Jordan Peterson - the overprotective mother or 'how not to raise a child'
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- Опубликовано: 29 авг 2024
- original source: • 2017/03/11: Strengthen...
Psychology Professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson explains the Freudian nightmare - the Oedipal mother and her old infant.
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"you cannot protect people, you can only make them strong" ... very very true.
More like - The best way to protect others is to make them strong and capable of protecting themselves.
Similar idea to - "Give someone a fish, feed them for a day. Teach someone to fish, feed them for a lifetime."
@stevenstrumpf7 You cannot protect them with money in most cases either. Say the economy collapses like during the great depression, say they get an illness that money cannot solve, say they are attacked physically by another human. Money does you no good there. Or even worse, say you give them money and they have no idea how to properly use it to make their lives better and they piss it all away on gambling or drugs. You can only make people wiser and stronger, that's it.
so much makes sense now.
“Adults aren’t infants.”
Dr. Peterson, would you please talk to my mother for me?
Watch a few more videos and then talk to her yourself.
Simon McDonald great Response! And helpful.
Simon McDonald No use. Trust me. I’ll wind up saying something I regret.
@@AnotherDebtSlave You cant talk to some at all. No matter what you say, it will be counted as personal insult of the highest order. Talking to some mothers puts you under emotional and physical stress like disarming a bomb under machinegun fire.. at least it is like that for me... cant talk like an adult to a person that has the emotional brain of a toddler throwing a tantrum
@@Adam-bq2vw Hi Adam, I am a mother of 3 sons I raised alone. Please tell her you love her so much BUT.... some mothers need to hear the but part. It is very hard to turn the mother button off.
I've experienced this and its really damaging. The best way i can describe it is like when people raise animals in captivity and then try and reintroduce them to the wild. Sometimes they die, many times at the hands of their own species. They were not given the tools to survive in the natural environment.These kinds of people live terrible lives. They have poor connections to others, they can't maintain relationships, they have enormous difficulty realising their ambitions. They end up isolated and strange unless by sheer force of will and counselling they change their lives.
I see a lot of people in the comments shaming others who have experienced this, telling them to "man up" or "stop whining". But its not so easy. People underestimate the influence parents have in the early childhood experience. You can be working from a completely different (and wrong) paradigm about how life is supposed to be and by the time you find out serious damage has already been done.
I think part of it as well is societies unwillingness to criticize women and mothers. We still think women are all angels. Let me tell you, overprotectiveness is not an act of love or compassion. It is a pathological behavior brought on by anxiety. Mothers are managing their anxiety by doing this to their children. They are leaving people unprepared for life and guess what, they are not going to live for ever. What happens to the big baby when the mother becomes too old to work or take care of the home? They better hope the baby can grow up real fast.
This scares the bejeezus out of me.
Yes if creates a self disgust to be attacked by these emotional vampires called mothers (that are messed up).
I had one. She will destroy your life so she can feed her emotional world, because she has never grown up into a woman.
great comment.
You wrote my entire biography in the first paragraph.
this is me. I realized that I have to set boundaries with her, because she doesn't know that she is a overprotective mother. And I feel so defenseless sometimes to the world. Counselling is the only way to get out of this hole.
Having an overbearing mother is saddening. I can't even get mad at her for being overbearing, she's a prisoner of her own mind. Seeing her genuinely, deeply moved, to tears, when I said I wouldn't go with her on vacation at 22 years old is something. It took months for her to get over it, almost a year. She would come in my room frightened and leave in tears because I just wouldn't change my mind, she would bargain and make deals about how I won't be able to get anything from her from that point on, lies to keep me afraid to have to deal with what she kept me away from for all this time, just to make me say "yes, I'll come with you once more". You get to see how dependent she has become and how crushing it is to her to have a child who resists this. I stopped falling asleep in her bed when I was 14 ! I never saw what was wrong with that because she kept me away from any form of criticism of her customs.
Talking about my future job is still nigh impossible, since I would likely need to move far away and that idea is her nightmare.
You witness one of the most important persons of your life growing sadder and sadder as time goes by, to a point where it becomes unbearable for both of you. You know your own mother feels excruciatingly lonely. You're her only hope, and yours is to leave, your escape is the last nail in her coffin.
That's why this is so insidious. On the surface it appears like they are giving you everything you want and need. And who wants to say no or be unkind to a loving mother? But its also manipulation and it will destroy you.
CreepyHandedMan But to stay in that prison with her would not be an act of love. It would be to enable her crippling instability. As cruel as it sounds, I hope your leaving home will cause her enough misery to get the help she needs. That is her only hope for emotional wellness.
CreepyHandedMan hey..m going through the same phase...u wanna talk
Ugh. 100% relatable.
I just escaped that prison.
As someone with an overprotective mother, absent father and social anxiety (with a history of depression), videos like these hit me hard, but it's good to hear more about it from someone with Mr. Petersons background.
Crazy thing is my circumstances were EXACTLY yours, and the outcome and issues I'm dealing with are EXACTLY the same as well. It's like overprotective mother + absent father is a formula that results in social anxiety & depression. Fucking amazing. I'm overcoming mine by training self discipline (cold showers, regular exercise), adding structure to my life, meditation and listening to Peterson!
Same here
Ramit Inyah I WAS the overprotective parent - imagine how this gets to me - glad I came across this nontheless.
Exact same situation with me as well. Absent father; overprotective/bearing mother (who rt now is on marriage #5); as a result of all the in-house fighting I've ever seen, I just want to be alone. But I have my guitar-31 years experience; am a regular gym attendee; and now just try to do the best I can do.
Same!
My mom was like this. So now I am raising my son early on to problem solve, stand up for himself, speak up and handle his problems, all while being by his side. It's very rewarding to see him grow up confidently.
relaxwithme i am going out with a woman who is doing this to her son. How do you think would be a good way to address this with her? She literally said she needs her son the other day and uses him for emotional support. It’s frustrating to see
Mello Mentoring as a woman I don’t know what to say. Too many single mothers turn their sons into heir boyfriends which is out of order. If she can’t see that you will have to fight for her attention because she is supposed to be coming to you for support. It’s like how some women go to their fathers before their husbands for financial assistance. It’s out of order. The best I can tell you to do is find adult testimonies of how this is damaging and show her videos saying it is out of love. Don’t argue with her if she gets emotional because it’s emotional manipulation. If she can’t see that her definition cog overbearing love is toxic she is selfish and won’t change but you tried sadly.
Servant Status Ministries those are some good suggestions
Mello Mentoring i hope it helps. Most people change when they visually see something. Otherwise some women may think you are dominating and controlling them with your opinions and they shut their ears. Maybe make it like both of you are sitting down together watching videos to learn about parenting, anything for childhood that can affect you today that you experienced as toxicedness....go to the channel psych2go it’s cute cartoons explaining many things like this.,.....in that way you may ‘come across’ a certain set of videos on accident (pertaining to how she treats her son) and it would be more of a discussion together and learning experience of growth rather than her assuming you are trying to “tell” her what to do. I really hope things work out for you!
You’re truly a good mother and woman. That’s hard to come by unfortunately
He is just the guy who should have taught you at University. Clever, understandable, true to himself and passionate about the topics he speaks about.
He teaches at Harvard. Not your university ofcourse!
@@kingmufasaa He used to. He is taking care of himself after being sick for a long time now.
it is weird. I couldn't find the his videos about psychology teaching in Harvard channel, anyone know why!!?
@@kingmufasaa00:40 protect from evil men
Wow. Incredible. My grandmother did this to all of her children, especially to her sons. They never married. They never left her side. They drank themselves to oblivion and died of liver failure before she died. That was her doing.
Was it _really_ her doing though?
@@MLGDuckk yes sure was
It was a conspiracy - everyone was involved in - just because you’re offered protection, doesn’t mean you have to take it
@@sunnya8018Yeah, you try telling that to a child.
It is the Mommy Martyr syndrome that has destroyed so many young lives. What it is not is 'love' of the child, rather love of self and the maternal role. Toxic and terrible to watch happen.
My life has been destroyed by it as I now suffer from an anxiety disorder
Well said!
Dipset1911 same here.
Mmmm...exactly. My child is "special" because I'm "special". My child is special because they are mine! Usually grandma has the same opinion of both her child and her grandchild.
Terrible to live with a spouse raised this way.
tltl: "Dont do anything for your kids what they can do themselves".
this
That's what you tell slaves.
@@unlimitededitionpepe5489 Their parents are slaves, and their children are slaves. Adults are slaves. Everyone is a slave. Your point is moot.
Montessori
With many of those parents its not even about protection, but about control and feeding their narcissism.
I think that true
Many women said in post of Simona Krainova here in Europe that they put the boys
into a boot camp to learn some skills, and she did it for her sons, to know skills. and many women said in comments they did it too.
So nme lady said whthera lso girls can go there she said yes...and some lad ysaid that her daughter is so hyperactive that she thinks she could owerpower her brother.
I guess I should be mad at my mother, but I find more resentment towards everyone else around who didn't tell her to loosen her grip and let me grow up. Now I know that if I see this happening and I don't speak up I am contributing to that child's future misery and self-hatred.
kardrasa they were more likely to help her tighten her grip on you, probably
kardrasa i struggle with the same thing. No one advocated for me and just let happen...my father was an asshole too. My mom's friends fed her parenting advice...i blame them. I think my parents were emotionally broken and used me as a crutch. Therapy for life !
D: yip
Mr Mukura curse
Lol I know this is late but perhaps I can give a personal opinion as to why you are resentful of others not question your mothers antics while raising you. When I was about 19, my father had married again and had a son, so pretty much my half brother was born. They expected me to help raise the kid, but I was like fuck that I got my own life to live and rather not get involved. Selfish I’m aware, but I’m happier not sacrificing my life for a child that isn’t really mine. So maybe this can give you some insight as to why nobody gave a shit. Not their child= don’t give a flying fuck about you.
A lot of these mothers are not truly "overprotective", they are just covert narcissists who are emotionally and physically needy so they would rather undermine the development of the children under the guise of being "overprotective" in order to keep them near her for as long as possible, potentially forever. They try to make their children as dependent as possible while also preventing them from making social connections with the outside world. I have lived it and seen it far too often.
This really resonates with me. I'm 21 and living away from home for University, growing in independence, but still lacking some confidence. My Mother did coddle me and my Dad wasn't around much. Of course, I don't hold it against them, life is life and all I can do now is try and improve myself. I certainly see how the dynamic works though and if I ever have kids I'll remember it. Luckily it was my Dad who encouraged me to go to University because he saw how self-conscious I was and knew I needed to get away from home to grow as an individual. I'm eternally grateful for that.
You are not alone.
@@avuyilecakwebe68801:30 what Frank Furedi was saying
perfectly normal for a 21 year old to be lacking in confidence. youll get there in your 30s or 40s
I love that Peterson referenced the awesome image of Mary protecting Christ from the serpents. It is a cool image. I do wish, however, he would also have given Mary her due by also mentioning The Pieta. That is, Mary -- who is the perfect mother -- protecting her child as an infant (as represented by the first image) but who then also in anguish lets him complete his mission in suffering as an adult (as represented by the Pieta). She stands alongside the cross to comfort him, yet allows him to accomplish his salvific mission even though it anguishes her almost unto death.
YOU ARE LIVING IN FANTASYLAND. MARY IS A MYTH. JESUS IS A MYTH. WAKE UP. DO THE RESEARCH.
Mhmmmm, perhaps Cheeto should have put in a trigger warning XD
mel obrien You don't even know what the word "myth" means.
Thank you Cheeto that was an amazing and perfect point! Ave Maria Madonna! LOL @ the dude who thinks Jesus is a Myth haha - check out "Cold Case Christianity" and "Case for Christ"
That is exactly what came to my mind when Peterson referenced Mary! Thank you for putting it so beautifully into words.
As a mother of four daughters, I consciously have to remind myself to back away. By age 12 kids should know how to do basic cooking, cleaning and have chores. By 14 they should know to properly speak with adults, navigate the world, use bus/subway. By college, they're adults. They've had jobs, saved money, learned to balance their budget. They've been exposed to the world and people and become somewhat street wise. The current social atmosphere pushes the "helicopter" parent approach.
There definitely IS a female essential nature. I breastfed all my kids and stayed home to raise them. Lots of hugs and kisses, going to parks, reading books and playing. But mama bird also knows that true love means pushing that baby out of the nest has to happen. Or the World will eat them up. They have to leave one day. I need to let them acquire as many skills to survive.
Cooking by Age 12?!?!?!
Are you *kidding me?!?!?*
m 26 and only now daring to experiment with cooking :(
My fucking mother never let me or encouraged me to try anything!!!
Dave Crupel By cooking I mean boiling pasta, frying an egg, making pancakes. Those are simple things my kids could do by age 10-12. They really wanted to make their own meals.
You sound like a fantastic mother. Well done to you!!
@@sandboxmom My mother wouldn't even let me do THAT!
Wow, best Mom. :/
I had both an overprotective mother and father. A father who thought that the only intelligent person in the world was him and the rest were complete idiots created by God to upset him. He never trusted anyone, let alone his own son. And a low self-esteem mother who always thought the world is a very scary place and who didnt really trust herself a lot, let alone her own child. "From school to home and from home to school. Forget going out with your friends."
Now im trying to find a way to fight off the dysnfunctionality that is my life without blaming them. But it is like when an animal is kept in a cage forever. When it manages to get out, its killed within 1 hour, because it never learned what the world is really like.
I'm reading a book called "The Tao of Feeling Fully" by Pete Walker. In the book it is said that blaming is necessary and the idea of just forgiving before you're ready to do so is very toxic. True forgiveness can only happen after you have properly blamed.
That is EXACTLY the world i grew up in.
And the "smarter than everyone else" person wasnt even my dad. It was my step-dad.
Im 26, and just now daring to try my own hand at cooking.
Im 5'5 245lbs and have a hard time pushing myself to lose that beef.
I don't have any friends to push or motivate me, nor do i want to at this point. Because i don't trust or count on anyone to help me with anything. Ever.
@cristiana ronaldina Well, what changed my life for the better was speaking the truth, no matter how ugly. If you're dissatisfied with your parents, let them know. If you have anxiety, or low self esteem, let the ones you trust know. Never hide, never sugarcoat and never apologize. Scary as hell at first, but only by speaking your truth will you begin to truly understand yourself and your options.
Also, I think it's a good idea to live your life as if your parents were dead. Not necessarily going no contact, but imagining how you would live your life if they were dead, and then doing just that.
yep. that was me.
not anymore. i turned it all around.
1.go out. every night. find free things to do: festivals, grand openings, bars....talk to every one. hit on all the girls you like. get shot down. who cares...you'll never see them again.
2.look at successful men. men good with girls. men with lots of friends. leaders.
3.and....copy them. copy EVERYTHING. clothes, vocabulary, hairstyle. dont try to "be yourself." Be them. Just for awhile. Then you'll understand what works and what doesnt. then you can "get your own style." and "be yourself."
you dont learn boxing from a book or TV. you COPY the great boxers until you can match them. THEN, you get your own style.
4.sure, you might get "killed in the wild," but likely not actually killed. just embarassed. just wrong. learn. copy and learn. you'll get better. but not before you get exhausted.
My dad was like this too omg. He's from Russia, and he refuses to assimilate because he thinks that Americans are stupid and that the youth are corrupt. When I tell him that people still read books he doesn't fully believe me lol
I had sort of known this on an unconscious level, but it only really hit me after I called my mother in a panicked/depressive state to talk about the struggles I was experiencing within the film world. She told me she thought I'd make a great teacher, and that I'd likely be much happier doing that..... I immediately hung up on her and called my father who promptly shut me up and told me to get my shit together. There's a time during which a father's advice is arguably less valuable than a mother's love, but if you find yourself valuing maternal comfort more than wisdom as an adult.... You are seriously fucked
Bingo. The straight up advice and @@# kicking talk from a man got my life together. My mother would just turn me into a weak basement creature listening to her weak advice from the Oprah show.
Todd Fundgren I don't think you should tell someone in a depressive state to 'shut up and get your shit together'...
@@fintanwatson8137 Maybe if you're a friend, but as a parent, it's different. And it was probably more substantive than just that. OP appreciated it, and he shut up and got his shit together, so I'm going to vouch for him, here.
Todd Fundgren quite possibly the best advice ever! Thanks I’ll be sharing this with my kids dad (old infant)
You shouldn’t be hanging up on your mother though
My mom was extremely overprotective. By the age of 12 I was a dead soul. But after I grew up I had a mentor that helped me out through life
I need a mentor where can I find one
I'm 29 living with my mum and it's sometimes difficult the constant needing for everything, the criticism, the overly concern and over protective of me, always trying to correct me...I'm so tired of this now. Then I also blame my father too for leaving me half way through my life. Parents aren't all what it's cracked out to be. It's like they never put themselves in the shoes of their kids and think how they would of felt when they were their kids age...very selfish.
Ill be 39 in a month and Ive been back living with my mom for 2yrs because she deliberately stiffled, debilitated and snuffed me out from a young age, but she does it even more now, with bribes and guilt trips, because shes old and lonely. Beyond selfish, its really one of the worst things you can do to a person. Clip their wings and sabatoge whatever they try to do and try to make them feel mean for persuing any of their own interests. This is practically as sad of a fate as being in prison.
I feel you, im in ur shoes and also a woman and family is muslim. They dont understand the constant critism chips away at you. My parent is constantly arranging my room, cleaning my stuff up., washing my clothes. Sounds nice right? Except I always have missing assignments, clothes that are shrunk or desyroyed thru improper washing, broken printer/head phones from her shifting my stuff around so im always running to fed ex office to do my work. And the constant critism of what I eat, telling everyone she knows my busibess, talking sht to others about me and saying shes just "telling the truth"
Daniel Bailey you aren’t the only one
Daniel Bailey GET. OUT!!!!
Daniel Bailey move out and build your own identity
Realizing my mother did this to me…. Makes me sick to my stomach
My mother is exactly like this. She divorced my dad when I was 5. Since, she’s been very overprotective and sheltered me all my life. I’m 27 and married and I just now came to this realization how damaging my mother really was in my development. This might be a component as to why I have social anxiety because I was and STILL am very afraid of people. I got extremely lucky when I met my husband because he is very introverted and understanding. I went to college and got my bachelor’s degree in psychology but I’m doing nothing with it right now because I am absolutely terrified of the real world. Right now I’m a house wife and I have become immensely depressed on some days more than others because I so badly want to be of use to this world and bring in more money for the both us. My husband and I plan on having a baby soon so I guess I’ll be in the home a little while longer (not that I’m not okay with that) but at the same time I want to help other people too. My mother always took the fall for me, always spoke for me and get this there were times where she was angry at me for not wanting to get involved with sports/clubs/jobs. Like this is a serious disease that mother’s have. Not doing these things for the best interest of their child that’s for sure :(
If the father is infantile he will marry a mothering-wife, who will then also overprotect the children. The children, especially males, don't have an exemplar (father) and are robbed of doing things for themselves (by mother).
yep. my brother and I are ruined
@@VengefulPolititron
haha. look at it as an injury that you have to heal from. like those who had to relearn to walk & speak. Takes effort, but better than living with it, that’s ‘free’. That’s where the triumph, the Phoenix waiting to rise is ‘buried’. Setbacks aren’t a death sentence. A little bit of change everyday...
You have yourself, good people helping like JP & the Higher Power. Takes energy, so rest well, eat well & hack at it everyday!:)
mine is worse.
I lost God. you won't understand or believe... I sorted my issues by becoming a narcissist.
God struck me down, then was lifting me up... and I rebelled. he left. now .. existential dread. and purposelessness.
I enjoy basically nothing.
lay in bed all day.
no drive no desire.
@@VengefulPolititron
Help yourself, God’s grace then will come. He doesn’t abandon you (his creation) so long as you don’t forget to call on Him.
@@xeropunt5749 it doesn't work like that.
"You cannot protect people; you can only make them strong."
I feel like some of the things he talks about are common sense, but you'd be surprised how many people don't actually know any of this or even want to believe. I try to tell my mom all the time to let my nieces and nephews do stuff for themselves when she watches them (ie. clean up after themselves or pick up their toys) but she's so impatient that she doesn't wanna wait for them to do it. It's really sad.
pamelam4 just like my sissy father. he has zero patience and never lets me do anything on my own. if i assert my independence, he will feel attacked and offended. this destructive behavior is a major factor to my impotence of productivity.
Im late to reply but my mom does this, I'm 18 now and it's frustrating cause shes so Impatient and anxious she makes me that way as well. I still don't know how to do many things and probably have some sort of anxiety. Try stopping them before it gets worse
I'm a 25 year old guy who grew up with his mother and grandmother but I still feel like I am 19 at best most days. Though I have only good things to say about them they are EXACTLY like Dr. Peterson describes. It's really really hard growing up without a father. My father and grandfather were both very masculine and cultured and I SORELY missed their presence. My father was a scenographist with an epic beard and a very cultured and bohemian personality but he had a stroke when I was in the fifth grade, before he could teach me useful stuff and teach me about life. I never even got to meet my grandfather but people always talk about how talented, confident and popular he was. Also, I look at Dr. Peterson and he is exactly the kind of person I've always missed in my life.
That "rough and tumble play" Dr. Peterson described? That is EXACTLY the kind of stuff I needed and a reason I think I am overly sensitive, have social anxiety and are piss poor with women (never been in a relationship). I NEVER had a positive masculine presence in my life. Even an abusive, drunken father would have been something.
I mean if you are a woman and missing a father it's not so bad because women don't have to prove themselves so much to men.
I am trying to get my life in line by going to the gym, reading, generally trying to better myself and becoming a more masculine version of myself but I keep wondering if it's not too late for me. I wish he made a follow-up video.
Cyberdemon1542
Dude you are 25. Most women older than you see you as a kid. Take it from me, you hit 30, a 20 year old will be in to you as well as a 35 year old woman.
Get your stuff together though. 30 will be great.
DeathlyHall0w
So if he starts moving now, 30 won't be great?
The point I was making is that his best days are ahead of him.
Cyberdemon1542 you should leave your mom's house and start living independently. My mom is exactly helicopter type Dr. Peterson describes. Run... for your own good. I ran from my mother at the age of 27. I left my country and moved to the US because I knew she would not leave me. Guess what.... I am 43 and she still tries to control me. But I am free and happy now. I do not give in when she tries to manipulate me. You have to be tough. It is hard sometimes to be tough with your mom but it is a right thing to do if you want to live your life.
My mom is not manipulative. She is a genuinely good person and I know this because she is good with everyone but she is extra good with me. Yes, I am trying to pick up my life and as soon as I finish my master's degree I plan to move to another town. I have also started going to the gym, which helps a lot. It seems that I have started to realize things which I should have known 5-6 years ago. It's really weird, It feels like I am 19 and I am about to enter college.
You don't know how lucky you are. All of you in your 20's and 30's. I am twice your age and have always wondered why I keeped dating the wrong women. When we are raised by good well meaning mothers and we want to please them. When we date disfunctional women, we bend over backwards to please them thinking we can fix them and wonder why it's not working. They don't realize within themselves their own upbringing is the problem. You now have a major tool in your tool box knowing this information.
The tool right in front of you. This video. Mimic Dr. P's attitude and demeanor. Live your life with the confidence in knowing this secret. You will never fall prey to being there savior. It will take time, unfortunately. You never know what you get with a woman in the first few months of a relationship. You have the tools now to weed out the bad apples much quicker.
Try this:
Within the first few dates casually ask her about her family. Was she abandoned, abused, broken home? If so, then ask if the parent who raised her supports her independence or is up her ass in her business constantly. I've got bad news for you. If her parent is hovering constantly, at first she will make you believe you are more important. Make one wrong comment and she will instantly defend the parent. No matter how correct you are. You will never win. She will tattle tale like a little girl and then you are fucked. The sooner you know her family dynamics the better. Or, you will be stuck in a terrible relationship wondering what you did wrong.
Watch the video 10, 20 times if you have to. Masculinity is just a mental state based on self confidence and knowledge. The knowledge in knowing you don't ever have to take shit from anyone ever again. "It's never to late to change your mind."
I hate having an overprotective mother. I'm thankful for the good she's done in my life, but I'm beyond tired of her refusing to show me the respect of a grown man and continuously treating me like I'm still 10.
You should love and respect your mother. She thinks she does the best for you. Mothers never accept their children grow. A baby is given to mothers for protection. Please stop hearing the words of scientists, especially that is a man who never feels mother's feelings.
@@learnenglish3382 She needs to respect me. Enslaving me and forcing me to be her one and only caregiving option is the opposite of love and respect.
@@finchborat I am very sorry to hear this. Then leave her and live in another apartment. Only this way you should protect your relations with your mother. Just never forget it is your parent. She was by you when there is no one around to take care of you. Show love and respect, gradually she will regret what she does. At least, never forget she gave a life to you.
@@learnenglish3382 it is the mother’s choice to bring child into the world. If she brought the children up unselfishly, chances are they will love her and they will want to care for her in her old age.
Yeah. My mom tries to be sneaky about it, but I can see the resentment whenever I act independently from her will.
My mom has done exactly this to me. Needless to say, at 22 y/o i'm the biggest looser. Only now i'm starting to develop the values that normal healthy people have. The way I see the world and the way I act is now messed up. Knowing this, I am now trying to get my life back on track, but there is permanent damage done. Only last year I've moved out, and now I am living an independent life, but the internal struggles I now experience are not something that a healthy person has to ever deal with. I love my mom to death, but her unconditional love and care have fucked me up beyond a point where I can fully recover and have a fulfilling, successful life.
Sure you can. You only need self discipline and stop telling yourself you are a loser. What is that which you don´t have or do which succesful people do, according to you? Then go do it, test it for yourself. Drop the axcuses.
you are not a loser bro.. you are using your magnificent brain.. well done .. keep your chin up .. even if you feel like this,, don't fold your body,,
I'm in a Sams car Yeah, you're a loser. But that isn't permanent. Give yourself 10 years to improve and you'd be a completely different person. You can be a completely different person in just 2 years if you give yourself the time and patience and work for it. You have to first believe that it's not permanent damage. The brain is plastic, especially at your young age. I've given myself time, and I've found that I've been peeling back the layers more rand more with time and rerouting the paths in my head because of this. It's possible to change. First there needs to be awareness of the problem, which you have. Then belief that you can change, which is the truth. And then you move until you get your goals and then you keep moving.
No, she hasn't fucked you up beyond a point where you can fully recover. The fact you identified the problem, the fact you try to get your life back on track and the fact that that you moved out show you can fully recover; just don't give up. I was in your situation when I was 23 years old: resentful as fuck. And then a friend introduced me to Return of Kings in 2013 and man, those articles opened my eyes completely about my own situation as well as that of the society we live in (and now that knowledge has been confirmed by Jordan Peterson). I could finally get my shit together - gradually - and last year I also moved out. It is hard indeed, but over a span of a year or 2 - 3 you will already see massive improvements in your mentality, the way you view yourself and the world and the way others perceive you. Just don't hold yourself back.
Adding to the previous comments, I believe the power of affirmations can change your subconscious thinking and inner values, concept of self, and attitude and can strengthen the confidence, masculinity, self esteem. So even deeply ingrained concepts can be changed when you believe and work hard for it
I was a 16 years old mom, who came from an extremely abusive household. My father was an abusive alcoholic, my sister is an abusive narcissist, my mother a codependent who never protected me……
I didn’t know how to be the parent I wanted to be, or the parent my son deserved…. I tried my very best and although I was far from perfect- I did way better than two full grown adults did with me.
However I was overly protective, because all I knew is I was never protected and that I would make sure my son was always protected no matter what. I now see the anxiety I caused him. I feel horrible for all the damage my son has to fix because I didn’t know better. I apologize to him constantly and try to explain to him why I did things the way I did. I hope this helps him heal and gives him a better understanding.
I wish I’d found Jordan Peterson 23 years ago!
My circumstances are exactly as Dr Peterson has described. Every point he made is so cringe-worthy because it is so true, and i guess thats why they are called truth-bombs becus they hit me hard. As a single child of an over-protective mother, I am ever so grateful for having stumbled upon Dr. Peterson's lectures. Now i really need a damn effective solution(s) to straighten out my own life, or else i see myself headed straight down to ruin.
This is my mom 😢 I struggle a lot now with life as an adult. Im so scared of the outside world. I have no confidence in my decisions or capabilities, I don't know what I want in life and my mom never even let me move out until she had to when I got married at 26. I'm almost 30 now Luckily my husband is understanding and patient with me as I am trying to learn things on my own and make decisions without his approval, even reminds me it's OK to make decisions without him oking it. I know she did the best she could with the knowledge she had and all the things she went through as a child but it just sucks for me.
basically you gotta accept you must go through all the trials and tribulations you never had... learn how to be a soldier a warrior... man or female you must overcome the lack of coaching you had in life, you must educate yourself on the things you never got a chance to figure out
prepare to fail, however i dont think your husband will want you fighting in war so
Your husband is so kind. My mother doesn't let me make big life changes without her okay
Oh no.
Oh god no.
This is one of the great curses of the parents raising children through the 80's and 90's.
Is there any way to recover as a child?
I'd like to get better.
deep down you know exactly what to do.
First thing is to move out of their reach location wise. Travel, go to another country and put yourself in a position where you have no choice but to develop indipendence
You will need to throw yourself out of a window. But in a way that won't mess you up permanently. Best thing you can do is find some way to get under someone's authority who will teach you, mentor you, but doesn't want to use you. A big mistake many make is thinking strong rebellion is the key to developing your own identity, that's the quick ticket to destruction. The way to develop identity is to make yourself useful, let your hands and feet do the talking for you. First step is to get away from anyone who would try to keep you STILL and USELESS.
shatteredsquare I did this and let me tell you, it was the hardest thing I ever did. My mom had such a hold on me I couldn't begin to imagine the pain I was causing her. I wouldn't leave for the longest time because I didn't want to hurt her.
Lampadas Horde how do u let go?? My mom is the same way and I can’t stop feeling guilty if I were to leave her
@@asiandoll4122 You do it even if you feel guilty. Your brain already knows your situation is not healthy for you, that's why you are having that inner battle between saving yourself or staying. You need to leave and you will feel guilty. You need courage to do it. Guilt is one of the last emotions you deal with. The guilt will mostly resolve itself the more healthy boundaries you put around you and you realize how enmeshed your relationship with your mother is.
Unfortunately this is my mother. Safety is always the priority but don't even think to question their authority.
took me forever to realize the danger of not only my mother but my entire family on the psychological damage they've done to me
ive always thought of myself as lazy and weak... but i look back at the many little things in my life that they prevented me from growing stronger... spoiling me, not teaching me the value of hard work, earning things for myself... encouraging a lazy lifestyle by not giving me any incentive to go out and hunt for my dinner
and jordan is right, it's done in a pathological type of way because they want control, they wanna control you so you can become useless and useless people need each other, jordan is right because now you get into a stage of anger of looking at them and blaming them for all your problems, i am nothing more than a by product of my environment... dont expect a dumb kid to know any better, enough of it i gotta become a strong independent monster ready to take on the world !
Same here I thought I was lazy too I didn’t do jack just to stay home and be In my room all day and do crap and waste time and that probably why I didn’t even go to college because I been homebound half of life it crazy
Mine didn't wanna teach me to do things like cooking or doing laundry. She preferred to do them for me, even if it made her unwell. Even after I told her about it, she still wasn't adamant about teaching me those skills. Eventually I got to a point where I no longer wanted to learn from her & just teach myself AWAY from her.
It's also the adult child's responsibility to recognize this behavior from the mother and slowly put a stop to it or at least dampen it, the mother will always see the her child as a baby.
The adult child HAS no responsibility, therefore recognizing behaviors is not in their mentality, i suppose.
It’s hard when the mother controls where I stay and how I get around
My mother is this.
No father around.
Just absolute chaos.
I was a single parent (one son) and he is doing his own thing (in a different city at a university and is a 3rd year honour student...) it was extremely difficult NOT to be a helicopter parent... I let him him go to Europe with a friend at 16... just about killed me lol... letting go and not micro managing and some positive encouragement is the best I think. its kinda like a plant... if you over water it and kick the dirt around and disturb it... it will not flourish.
@Shashank Kumar Fuck you too
@@isacgoncalves425 Fuck you all 👍
Fuck #metoo
You are good I couldn’t even go to nowhere at 16 not even a hotel party with a friend that knew from kindergarten I had to stay home man I always wanted to do this it hard for mee I hope I get out of it
I experienced a rather extreme form of this, which ruined me. My father is not at all masculine, he is far more timid than my mother, who had a tendency to complain or find fault with anything she could, mortifying me as a child. He was not able to provide me guidance or protect me from my mother. She was either blind or indifferent when I tried to relate how her infringements upon my privacy and my autonomy, and her complete disrespect of me as a individual was causing me great suffering. Today, we do not speak, largely because I am unable to let go of my resentment towards her unbelievably bad parenting style. At the same time, I cannot find fault with her, she was only acting out her own traumas on her children, and her intentions were very pure. I struggle to this day with understanding if I was abused, or if I was just very sensitive in my nature and the normal dysfuction I experienced I simply could not recover from. Either way, today I am a suicidal, alchoholic, unemployed 31 year old man-child, desperately wanting to be taken care of and unable to take care of myself. Suicide becomes more and more appealing to me as i continue to suffer this fate.
go to an eastern orthodox church please
My father is effeminate and absent, and my mother is overprotective. I am struggling in the world, but I will prevail. Many people in the world support people like us who are trying to escape
I have a baby boy and he gets into everything. Whenever he bumps himself and begins to cry, I remind him how adventurous he is and that he is bound to get bumped along the way. I care for him but try my best not to coddle him. It seems to really work for him and he picks himself up very quickly and moves on. Such a gift to be able to raise children to be strong.
_Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry_
_Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true_
_Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you_
_Mama's gonna keep you right here under her wing_
_She won't let you fly but she might let you sing_
_Mama's gonna keep baby cozy and warm_
_Of course Mama's gonna help build the wall_
_Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry_
_Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you_
_Mama won't let anyone dirty get through_
_Mama's gonna wait up till you get in_
_Mama will always find out where you've been_
_Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean_
_You'll always be a baby to me_
_Mother, did it need to be so high?_
Cristi Neagu Pink Floyd rules
Perfect reference. I remember watching Pink Floyd's The Wall film when I was younger and couldn't hold back the tears at how accurately the album described my life. Specially Mother and Comfortably Numb.
Can’t be more accurate!!!
Wow, this song always resonated with me when I was a teen but I never read the lyrics out like that. It makes sense now knowing the emotional trauma my mother brought to my life. It sticks with you.
Scary stuffs
My little brother commited suicide in part due to this overprotectiveness. Had no sense of identity and self-confidence. I myself was in a miserable state of trance for the same reason and did not see what was happening until it was too late.
I'm a victim of overprotective mom, father was gone most of my life due to business. Jordan is spot on, I definitely have felt undermined many, many times, I still do to this day. I do have a lovely family though & I'm thankful & am blessed for that alone.
I think that part of the problem is that most people in Western countries today are only having 1 or 2 children. It is much harder to not force your protection onto your children and let them risk their lives in the real world when all of your eggs are in 1 or 2 baskets. I think that a lack of siblings also robs children of vital social interaction.
Orangelo this is a very good point.
Well said. I come from a family of eight. None of us take ourselves to seriously. None of us came out entitled. Only one of us 1 out of 8 manifested a drinking problem and 7 out of 8 have happy family lives. We are also in constant if not near constant up to the minute news on each others critical family issues. Compared to my life in Los Angeles were I ran into selfish entitled...resentful men and women all over. The common denominator for me in all my worst female partners was that they all came from being single children homes or had too much money and no relationship with their fathers.
Actually no, you are just able to leave them with each other to have fun, grow and develop healthy relationships. You are always worried about them all, they are all precious but you don't have to helicopter them because you have siblings helping to watch and protect, guide and direct.
@@AOmega72 you have a screwed up way of thinking. To an extent. If you don't let a child fall or pick them up when they do. How are they going to figure out how to puck themselves up. 2 yrs and up. Coddling is a destructive and life long issue that child WILL struggle with thier entire life. I'm the only boy out of 5 kids and in the middle of the pecking order. Due to overproduction of my mom I struggled with independence until I was forced to be in the Army. If you have never fallen you live a life of lies. Or you're an only child.
I absolutely resent my parents for having only one child and not teaching me discipline. I will always and forever be behind in life and never achieve my true potential, because I had to realize everything on my own and “raise” myself while an adult. I missed out on a normal life, because my selfish baby boomer parents would rather buy my love and pay me to raise myself. Money can’t make you into a good parent.
I know of Mothers who destroy the relationship with their spouse just so they can still control and be loved by their child, who is well over the age of 30. It's utterly pathetic and hurts EVERYone involved.
I became father a year ago. Recently I found Jordan and I can say, it's nice to be given some tips and ideas about my role as father and what is expected of me. Thank you Mr. Peterson!
Epoxa83 The best thing to do is to learn from the best on life in general and on the topic of parenting. Because without true and comprehensive knowledge something as serious and sensitive as parenting can go wrong real quick. And the consequences of that are just too big to ignore.
This is why I’m learning about how people develop in a healthy manner and also more importantly, how do kids develop with problems, deficiencies and personality disorders in order to prevent that from happening.
Man. It never ceases to amaze me how this man can make complex truths, that we all know deep down inside, so easy to digest. And yet people call him the enemy or an oppressor. If I had half as much wisdom as this man I’d be happy
Living with an emotionally needy mother who tries to sabotage you is a lot like the story of the elephant and the twig:
In India they train obedience in young elephants (to stop them from escaping) by tying them to a huge, immovable object, like a tree, when they are still very young. The tree is so large that no matter how hard the baby elephant pulls and tugs it cannot break free. This develops what is known as ‘learned helplessness’ in the creature. After trying so hard and for so long to break the hold, only to be thwarted time and again, it eventually believes that, no matter what it does, it cannot escape. Ultimately, as a fully-grown adult weighing several tons, they can tie it to a twig and it won’t escape, in fact it won’t even try.
To all those ladies who say "He's a mommas boy!" some guys are fighting battles we cant win alone, be kind & help us if you may or be gone....
This is Bobby Boucher's mom from the Waterboy he's describing.
This describes my childhood perfectly. Of course, my mother (and my fathers lack of intervention), set me up to ruin my life, which i proceeded to do, and my anger actually came to the point of violence several times. I lunged at my mother with a knife, once pushed her, and had fantasies of murdering her at times. Today, because I am older, I realize that she was not aware of what she was doing or why, and she was enacting the trauma of her horrific childhood. And she loves me. But it ends with me. As much as I hate the thought of being the dead end on my family tree, the risk is simply too great. I am leaning heavily towards sterilizing myself.
@@Ijbfwqjibvdeyiv643 exactly!!! They may have been traumatized but it's not an excuse...their kids are property to them that they feed of and use for their own emptiness...it is selfish!!!....they are narcissists and their kids are supply! Any "apologies" are not sincere and only come when they fear they are losing their supply....no real genuine remorse! They never look at themselves or truly feel bad about the damage they've caused their children!....but yet expect our eternal gratitude.
I think the bigger problem is the absence of the father, because he is supposed to balance this out
There’s nothing that bothers me more than seeing an able bodied person that can’t live up to their potential.
This is me except I'm glad I have the intelligence to realise how I was brought up and how others coddle their children.
Even now, at the age of 23 if something is wrong with my mothers house or anything apart from computers and I offer to fix it, she'll say "no, you might break it".
Shes coddling me to this day, imagine how it was growing up after my father died of cancer when I was 9.
It will never end.
The only solution is to run far, far away.
@ayy lmao Even in my mid 20's she still says this to me.
Even though at 16 I decided with no knowledge, to buy parts and build a computer off youtube tutorials, even though I've been the one to fix all her hardware.
She still says "what if it breaks?" and it kills me every time. I still feel shock when she says shit like that because due to her negligence I've been independent since I was 16 years old.
She has emotionally fucked me up and I'm going for therapy sessions now.
I totally get it. For me, it gets even worse that my mother actually likes to fix things, is a maid by profession, and is rather depressed, so if I do anything in the house, I might remove the only thing that makes her feel "useful" and not wither away in bed, and she is better than me at fixing things, and I actually don't like do these "man jobs". I'm the type of guy whom would rather pay someone to fix my shower or clean my house while I work elsewhere in something I'm actually competent with. So the conspiracy is perfect, and I know it.
Sometimes, it's a struggle for me to not let her treat me like a kid, or like a husband, but like Dr. Peterson said, it's a conspiracy between mother and child. It's easy to victimize yourself and blame your mother over everything and even become resentful at her, but deep inside, you know you chose the path of least resistance. You know you feared raising your concerns and having to confront an angry mother whom think you are an ungrateful son, and it was your fault for choosing the more "comfortable" non-aggression. Being a victim is also an easy path instead of taking responsibility at least for your own consciousness and behavior.
At least I am blessed with something most people don't have: An absurd self-awareness of my own shadow. I refuse to lie or hide anything from my consciousness, so It's like I am in a constant confessionary, while I'm both the sinner and the preacher, and God bears witness to be, at least I hope so. I know even when I do some malevolent and I confess my reasons for doing so and my flaw of character. That's how I know it's a perfect conspiracy, created by my own sloth.
My husbands mother is like this and it truly breaks my heart. We're unable to have a great relationship. If it wasn't for this problem I think we could have a great relationship.
I’m five years late but I just needed somewhere to vent without it being completely irrelevant.
For as long as I’ve lived, my mom has been super overprotective. She thinks that girls are some prey that everyone is hunting for. Anything I’ve ever asked her to do something with my friends, she would yell at me and tell me I’m too young and I don’t know what’s good and bad. I’m fifteen years old. I may not be old enough for some things but I believe that I’m old enough to at least go somewhere with my friends without her. She tells me that girls are fragile and are victims and I need to be cautious. Like wtf.
Today, my friends and I decided ( 3 of my friends ) that we were going to the movies after school on Friday and one of my friends literally said her mom was gonna drive us there, so I was pretty sure my mom would let me. So I came home in a good mood excited for this Friday and tell my mom about it. I tell her that all my friends are some of my closest ones and that one of their moms will drive us. She went crazy over this. Told me I was too young and that school was enough time hanging out with my friends. She says if this is what they’re convincing me to do, they’re a bad influence and we have to change schools to one of those religious schools.
I love my mom but she makes me feel like a prisoner. She’s thinks I’m too young for anything. To get boba with my friends, to go to their house, to go to the movies, you name it. Pls I’m fucking fifteen. Im not asking her to go to the club.
She also said I couldn’t move out of the house until I get married. What if I don’t get married? Actually she’d murder me if I don’t because “ girls are weak without men “ . She doesn’t realize it’s 2022. She doesn’t even let me get a phone number because “ I’m too young “. But then she gets worried when I come home late or something, wouldn’t it be good for HER if I had a phone number?! I just really wish she would let me have a life, that’s all I fucking ask for.
Uhm anyways, probably no one will read this but I just needed somewhere to vent. Feels good to write it out my god.
Anyways I hope everyone has a great day and if anyone read this, thank you and I appreciate it.
In my opinion you need to communicate this to her and maybe even get loud with her because you feel very strongly about this. It will be a huge battle but the earlier you can hash this out the better. You don't want to turn 18 and still haven't confronted your mom. Confront her the sooner the better, hope it all ends peacefully
Fuck, I wish JP was my dad. He is in spirit.
I'm something like 1/16th Iroquois or whatever. Maybe he can be my guardian spirit animal if I want hard enough?
I guess he is, in a way, for many of us.
Thank God my mother used to send me out the house to play in the morning with a sandwich and pop and told me to come back ground 5pm. We ran free, learnt how to interact, cut and bruised ourselves, dealt with bullies.
I contrast that with a kid who started grammar school (11+) who's single mother brought him to school when everyone else was expected to make their own way and pampered him.
He was damaged and weak. Peterson's talk reminds me of him.
Eleven : Eleven sounds like you grew up in the 70s
He's described my mother. I'm glad I'm breaking away, gaining independence, and making some doe for myself.
Children need BOTH a mother and a father. The two parents balance it out.
I have a 3½ year old son. I exercise these things whenever I can, and I can already see him grow.
May God bless your family.
This made me realize one of the reasons why i hate my family so much. Because they stripped me from my ability to do things. They insist i make them be part of EVERYTHING, and they insist on doing everything for me, and im fucking sick of this
Same im a full as teenager about to be 19 next year and I HAVE to go everywhere with them, I feel like a child. The sad thing is my parents don't see anything wrong with this
@@boo-xn8gp Nope, they never do.
I'd be willing to overlook this, if atleast they were trying to fix it, but they arent even admitting that this is an issue! Thats the first step to fixing this!
@@nemtudom5074 yea hopefully they'll let me out of their grasp just a tiny bit more. I usually tell them that I dint have to go everywhere with them and that my mom is too controlling but they're stubborn. Like one of the few times I went to my friends house, she was pissed because I didnt answer right away when I had to share my location that shit was embarrassing
@@boo-xn8gp I've said this before, but I'll say it again. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Family *SHOULD* be chosen, *NOT* assigned!
We dont owe special treatment to our parents. If some stranger on the street, is an abusive ass, that person is getting ignored, or beaten. If parents pull the same crap, they dont deserve to be given extra forgiveness just because they are related to us.
Be nice, or be gone.
@@nemtudom5074 true I be believe this too especially since I'm mexican, we're supposed to be family oriented but it's really suffocating at times
i saw this happen to my ex boyfriend . his mother was always by his side even controlling our relationship and she was trying to control me and brainwash me into thinking she was doing the right thing for her 20 year old son by keeping tabs on his messages and all social media platforms and keeping a tracking device on his phone and to earwig into conversations me and him were having on the phone. Saying he was vulnerable because he has autism but he was capable of doing Duke of Edinburgh and he was capable of doing things for himself if only his mum let him. It got me and his mum into serious arguments and in the end i just couldn't change her or change my boyfriend perspective of what his mum was doing to him. It really upsets me to see him struggle and how i loved him but couldn't be with him because of his mother. Finding this clip of jordan peterson has really helped me
This helps to describe what happens to boys who have grown into men and their mothers are a nightmare for any girlfriends who enter their lives!! 😅
And a lesson too on how not to be a mother if you become a mother yourself.
"A good manager makes himself / herself superfluous!" - Jordan Peterson
“I’ll do everything for you and you’re always right and your needs take priority over everyone else’s and anyone that threatens you is terrible.” That sounds exactly like life in the service industry.
This is me, sometimes I feel like I'm too old to change.
A person is never too old to change. Always remember that. Do you know about Positive affirmations and what it does to your mindset, subconscious thinking, and your inner ideas and beliefs? It can change the strongest of inner beliefs. What you need to do is to learn good and healthy attitudes, mindsets, habits and actions and get disciplined and develop yourself, you’ll be amazed on how you’ll grow. Peace 😁
My 2nd oldest, 28, sent me here because of his younger brother....almost 21. I won't make excuses for why I parented him the way I did....it was not ever intentional to hurt him.
It never is. But you can help your kid if you wish now that you know.
My mom was overbearing. Once I got put on my own she started flipping out. One day I invited her to my home and was called by my boss for a coworker dinner with him and his cousin. So of course I went. My mom was calling me incessantly and said She’d call the cops if I didn’t get home. She ruined my dinner. I ended up going back earlier than planned because I was put in such a foul mood by her. Only recently has she mellowed out. I had to put my foot down and have had to resort to being a tad bit harsh at times but that’s the only way she leaves me alone/gets it. We’ve learned to make it work and it’s getting easier day after day.
There's one thing I want to point out at the beginning, is that my mother and my father were very exclusionary exclusive and domineering in their attitudes. My mother was very protective and I saw the same pattern with kids in school--that is bullies. There's an exclusivity in the attitude that is "you belong to me."
So if they see someone who is bullying you they will sometimes go after them. One example my mother actually pinned two kids against a supermarket parking lot wall put the car in neutral held the breakdown and then gunned the motor such that they thought that she was going to crush them. They kind of stayed away after that.
That however did not stop the extreme emotional cruelty and physical violence that I suffered from both my mother and my father.
Their protectiveness was extended to such a point that they had to know that it would make me less than fit for living in polite Society. And I would be crippled in many ways and just trying to live my life in the day today even at this age ( just this morning I was musing that if I lived 18 more years I could die at the same age as my father died a few years ago). Yet still I struggle.
What I see here is that a lot of the parents who were my parents generation either came up from very little and saw the affluence all about them and craved control over their lives, or were people whose parents were able to give them all manner of benefits luxuries and beautiful things and wanted to maintain that for their children forever.
and as you know forever does not last forever...people get old, children grow up, and things change.
hence "overprotection," which is actually a socially acceptable form of dominance and control. If you keep your house private and don't invite anyone's friends over you can control what goes on when you close the doors.
... and it's usually not very pretty for those people who are being controlled to be honest....
I really wonder, Dr Peterson,
--- do you ever read the comments section?
To condense everything I just said here:
Overprotection is not an act of love but an act of control so that a person may derive satisfaction from having that control.
the person being controlled is irrelevant but the closer the person is the more satisfaction can be derived as there is more control that may be exerted.
a child may be molded in a variety of directions. The "Protector" May actually mold the victim so as to be unable to cope without the guidance of the protector. I think a big payoff for the protector is the fact that when the protector dies they know Damned full well what the difficulties are that the victim will face upon the removal of the protector from the scene. You see if the protector was from the poor end of the scale as mine were then they know what they had to overcome to attain that scale of functionality that they are denying the overprotected victim.
Bullying, authoritarianism, dictatorship. That's all.
I'm starting to hate the idea of being a parent...I mean most of them are mean, controlling, overprotective and self righteous. It's hell sometimes...sometimes they make you feel like you can't breathe.
Daniel, Good news! you get to choose what kind of parent you become. If you're already watching JBP, you are self-aware and unlikely to make disastrous mistakes.
I sure as shit am not having children in a fucked up society like this.
Not when the woman can take them away along with all my hard life's work at divorce court any time she feels like it.
*absolutely not.*
You can't protect people. You can only make them strong. So important!!
My mom did this to me, as she was defending me from my dad.
Catch 22 situation...
Anyway. Time to cut the navel cord.
same.
and after some time of independence and growth, I want to reconnect with him.
yet fear doing so for his habitual abuse & attempted manipulation. Maybe I will, but wait till i'm completely independent.
It's tough love. All women should watch this.
When youre raised by a BPD/NPD its very difficult to break free and not repeat the pattern. It can be done. I did it. However, i am guilty of a thread of being the over-entangled mother. Its a daily challenge to never do for them what they can do for themselves. My goal has always been to cause effective, sucessful individuals. My wings were clipped to keep me home. I left anyway. It has to be a constant conscious choice to not repeat the pattern. For me, the parenting philosophy of Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo helped significantly! None are perfect, but there is no excuse great enough to make it sane to not try.
I feel so sorry for my little boy who is 14 months old who has had his mother stop all contact with me because of my ‘drink problem ‘ even when she knows I’d never harm my son or put him In any danger, I know it’s not about my son but about her feelings towards me which is so hard on my son as he probably doesn’t even know who I am anymore I just pray god works all of it out when he’s older and can judge me for himself without having his OVER protective mother trying to proctect him from someone who he doesn’t need protecting from. I love you son 💚
Sorry, you can have them back: . . . .
I always thought a mother protects her children while she teaches them to protect themselves... meaning - the older they get, the more responsibility they take on! My mother could be like this - she wouldn't let me do my own laundry when I was 13 because she was "afraid" I would ruin the clothing, etc - instead of showing me the RIGHT WAY and giving me the power to do it myself - so she would have less work to do... However, once my mom got sick and I started doing her laundry for her I would say - "See? I can now do laundry for YOU, now that you are sick and are struggling..."
My mother raised me like this and now I'm suffering from it badly. I'm 33 and I now have to learn how to grow up. Every day I'm scared in life and I want my wife to help me constantly. Now my wife and I are separated because I cheated on her (when I was 24) and I was emotionally immature.
My mother is 80. I’m 51. She still tries to tell me what I can and cannot do. LOL. I’m going to do what I want to do. Since I’m 51.
My mom is overprotective, and I still haven’t left the house. I have a student house, and my father has been absent in my life. I agree, you can’t protect a child, you can only make them strong
This was my mom. She had a pretty rough childhood herself though. I think she just wanted to do whatever she could to prevent the shitty life that happened to her from happening to me. It's kind of admirable in a way, but it's also damaging and I didn't realize it until much later on. That might be why this is so difficult for some parents. They genuinely have good intentions, but they don't realize that what they're doing is more harmful than good. Luckily for her, I turned into a drug addict, so it made kicking me out a little easier. Now that I think about it, having substance abuse issues may have been one of the better things to happen to me.
Jordan Casey Or you turned to drugs because of your mother.
The road to evil is paid with good intentions. Is that the quote?
Jordan Casey after being so fucked up by your parents, you’re still trying to find a perspective to defend them? no, that question was not a compliment. you are not morally superior than anyone, neither are you a fucking saint. so stop blaming yourself,man up,love yourself,and start trying to make a good living for yourself day by day, AND DON’t EVER FORGIVE THE BITCH OR LET HER BACK INTO YOUR LIFE, SHE’S TOXIC AND YOU GOTTA STOP BEING MORONIC!
Whatever her short comings were, it sounds like she did her best for you out of love. Sounds like you made a couple of wrong turns in life but there are worse things in life than a loving albeit misguided mother.
I had a wonderful beautiful loving mom.
As a boy we feared our father.
I hope we all could be as fortunate as i
Overprotected millenial only child here. The worst thing is all my life I wanted to be independent. I was never trusted to do things for myself or be left alone at home for a few hours (at age 16!) or have harmless fun with friends without constant supervision. I wanted to work and be useful but was never allowed to do anything except school activities and was discouraged from pursuing things my parents wanted me to be “too good for” (e.g. physical labor or joining the military). I was always very disciplined in school but never really learned anything, just pretended to understand and spent my whole life very withdrawn and paranoid and bullied because I was awkward and passive; even teachers bullied me.
I want to work but I’m so frustrated dealing with people and they get mad at me for being slow to understand, despite my first impressions of being polite and well-spoken. I am very disappointed that, overprotective and micro-managing as my parents were, they weren’t even attentive enough of the problems I always had, or were in denial, or just didn’t care. I’m still trying to find out if I have a learning disability (and might have failed in the military anyway) but after all these years of trying to be independent and working hard I am still a loser. Maybe if I had been allowed to find this out for myself as a teenager instead of being sheltered, if instead my parents helped me learn to be independent and find something I’m good at, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time and come to resent my life so much.
My grandmother did this to my mother, my mother tried her level best to do it to me. I rebelled hard and ended up in two terrible toxic relationships and I needed to move home when both of them ended. I've been destroyed by the freudian nightmare but I've made a decision today that I'm handing in my notice in my job and I'm putting myself in the desert and I'm going to figure out how to make money online. I'm done with the oedipal mother. I will not be an old infant. I will stand on my own two feet and pave my own way.
I am this. I am afraid of my future. I am afraid of being independent because i dont know how to become one. My parents split my dad didnt teach me anything useful about life my moms is always giving me the “i feed you everyday you should thank me im the one keeping you alive” i really wish i didnt exist
This has been on of the most fascinating comments sections I've ever read through. Eye opening. Its occured to me that I need to move out. I'm scared. Where do I go how do I start
I was in this situation a few years ago and am still kinda am. I'm about to break it and I can lay out the way I know how. If you haven't got a job get one. Then get in a votech in a hands on trade like HVAC or electrical. Not computers. Now once you have all that lined out get an apartment. Now If you don't like one of the fields you pick choose a different one. Complete both and get a better job. This is, or at least it was for me, a four year task. But you can do it.
Man.. when he said he tries not to do things for his kids that they can do themselves no matter how long it may take them, I thought of my own little brother and how poorly parented he was by my mom and crazy babysitter.
He's 12 and he still gets his shoes tied for him by another person.
He will live so its good
This hit me so hard. My parents really want to be "positive" and treat me like an infant so they aren't explaining the "taboo" properly (in my case, it is alcohol, cigarette, and sex) to me. Now in my 23, I always have the hesitation to make a choice, even though I already knew all about that "taboo" things by myself, and I have a really judgmental mindset toward the person who's doing that "taboo". This mindset is kind of subconsciously planted in my head so that if I want to make a decision I always need permission from them, even though I'm already an adult. This feeling is so uncomfortable, especially when seeing younger people are already made up of their choice by themselves, and I'm just here, sitting like an old infant with a lot of taboo in my head, and of course, judgment toward them which is sometimes unreasonable, but still there in my head. The worst thing is I can't get rid of those feelings easily since it was planted on my mind without my concerns.
Some judgements aren't bad because they keep you out of unsavory scenarios... Going to God or at least a good philosophy to back those values will help you alot more than going to your mother's religious taboos... It'll give you deeper meaning than what she could ever give you.
I know a woman like this. Has 2 sons, 22 and 19 and both live with her and neither work and she takes care of them like they are 5. One lived on his "own" for a bit (she payed for all expenses) but couldn't hack it (despite steady work-free income), so there is *some* drive hidden deep down, but the other is basically a lost cause, he will rely on her until the day she dies. It's a really sad sight to be honest, I feel bad since I have been there (mine was like only 10% the level of their's, but even still) and I know how frustrating it is, feeling like you are "betraying" her is you try to push her aside, feeling like a selfish prick if you try to turn down something does for you, yet feeling like a loser *because* she does everything, etc.
My daughter had dried blood on her knee that had dripped slightly down her leg, when we were at the park one day. A man came up to me and called me a "bad mother" for not cleaning it right away. First of all she didn't tell me she got hurt (she was 4ish) so the blood dried before I saw it and second, I've taught my kids to get over there bumps and bruises without me having to smother them with kisses and bandaids. My daughter grew up to be incredibly independent and I now feel like I succeeded by teaching how to be strong.
there is a fine line, in being protective, and being stiffing and controlling !
being supportive and helpful, nurturing , guiding, some what protective at times, yes is a good thing, but helicopter parenting, stiffing, controlling is not, that does a lot of damage on so many levels.
Why do so few people talk like this?? Even the church won't talk about the family. So much needed......
I had to become my own Father, and mother. I think I could be a great mom. I already knew this on an intuitive level.
Don't be a single one for the sake of God.
The length and depth of the knowledge and the ability to connect it to social scenarios in his talks is just exhilarating..
Krishna Gaurav yes!!! exhilarating is the perfect word
My mom wasnt holding me above the serpents she was the serpent
My Mother is sort of like this. Thankfully my Father is NOT, but he was a long distance truck driver for most of our lives, so he wasn't around much. I got the benefit of time with him as a child, and that instilled something of a stubborn, independent streak in me... that and having to help take care of my siblings, and my bi-polar Mother.
Sadly, my Mother was way to lacking in control and discipline with my siblings. Add in a tendency to give them what they wanted "because they needed it" and no ability to ever say no, and you have a total disaster on your hands. Even now, where the youngest is 36 as of this year, my Mother can't say no and is hopelessly connected to her children.
Ironically, I actually live with my Mom and my super amazing Step Dad, partially to help care for my Mom, and also because it seemed like a good choice at the time. I would have the basement, they the upstairs. However, my Mother moved north in the city to live by my Sister... who then moved. Now my Mother is thinking of moving AGAIN, even though she has no equity in her house! She also allowed my Brother to completely use her, storing all his junk in her garage creating a total fire hazard. Thankfully we managed to get my Brother out, but it took almost 3 years. If it wasn't for the fact that my Step Dad has installed modifications special for me because of my disability, I would leave so fast the door with flap on it's hinges!
Overprotective Mom's and Mom's that can't say no are terrible! They do their children no good at all.
I'm treated like a predator by people's body language almost everyday I go to college. I just look masculine I guess, my presence offends people greatly. It's fucking ridiculous.
Capricious Errors I never attacked anyone and I don't think many ever realized what you said
Dysekeru lol what do you mean? maybe they just find you intimidating, happens to me as well
Try showering.
Parthanon I have the opposite problem. Men walk through me like I'm not even standing there. Lolll.
You are a paranoid idiot. Get some psychiatric help.
If being bullying and isolated in school wasn't enough then my parents would finish the job. Arguing over everything, demanding I give them more attention for a sense of gratification, choosing my friends for me, lost close friends that I stuck by for years, mom stink-eyes everyone I come on contact while dad ditches out. Now an adult I still wonder if there's any humanity left in me.
It's priceless to watch this video and find out I've been doing just fine with my children education. I always felt I should make them independent, strong and able. And I always told them how hard and ugly the world is. And so far they're doing great.
It's really good to hear someone like JP saying things that show me I'm in the right direction.
Anna Guimarães my mother is the devouring mother to the highest extent. God Bless you for doing the best job a woman can with their kids. 🙏
@@JO3DIGGA it's a huge thing that you can identify what your mother does to you. So, you can always try to get away, and live your life to the fullest. For the good, of course. Good luck!!!❤️
Anna Guimarães if I couldn’t identify this shit then I’m fucked. You have no idea thou. It’s just inhumane, the things she’s done.
@@JO3DIGGA I'm very sorry about your situation. I can only imagine what you've been through. If you ever need to talk, I'll be more than happy to help, to listen to you. And you can also help me practice my English, because I'm a Brazilian learning your language by myself. So... I wish you the best!
Anna Guimarães I would’ve never guessed your first language was anything but English.