Dr. Conte I love your videos. You are a contradiction! You look like a badass but are a super nice guy willing to teach peace! LOL That is so awesome. I'm so glad I subscribed. Anger is definitely trying to ruin my life but I am trying to stop it before it gets out of hand. Thanks for all you do!
I guess im randomly asking but does anyone know of a tool to get back into an instagram account? I somehow lost my login password. I appreciate any help you can give me
I work security and a tip I will give is do not take it personally, 90 % of the time the anger is directed at the situation or the rules you are trying to enforce not you personally.
So, as I understand... 1: Acknowledge how somebody feels and help them feel heard to the point of a release where they feel listened to. 2: Go over the options and consequences of, starting with what they were going to do. 3: Let them really, actually decide what they will do, legitimately and truly.
also stories of kill your son to prove you believe in me, oh just kidding, call someone a baldy so have a bear maul a bunch of kids, or marry your sister because of the apocalypse, or stone others because they have multi color cloth. This "word of god" was written by men over hundreds of years translated by many and its historical context loses meaning, its a guide with good examples, but it is not a literal instruction book.
I’m a security officer at a hospital training to be a police officer and this video helps me so much with deescalation and crisis prevention. Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom!!!!!
I'm so grateful to hear that. And I will be posting a new updated de-escalation video soon, so I would love if you could stay tuned to the channel. And thank you tremendously for the work you are doing to keep others safe. Sending you all my best and tons of peace!
Good luck with the PD!! I work Armed Security for a private contractor and wish I knew this info when I started. A lot of people on drugs where I work so they are very unpredictable. This advice is better than what I got from my company.
Thank you so much. Yes, 100% we all need to be mindful of the energy we bring to every interaction. The more we can bring peaceful energy to other people's anger and chaos, the better chance we have to truly help the situation. Sending you all the best and much peace! And thanks for the great work you do!
Nk Bushoven in other words, it works for YOU in the moment. but, it puts a bandaid on your clients real issue. and so does the endless professionals that client sees. congrats! you did your JOB. ENJOY your paycheck.
Nk Bushoven I was a nurse..I worked to validate afraid, apprehensive patients..now I have a different job where ppl.treat us like crap ..we're easy targets..I won't validate bad behaviour
@@danab172 I hear you, and yet it is better than being abused and traumatized by psých staff, is it not? At least a good intervention breaks the bad cycle and hopefully helps one turn to the light, activate resources and see what constructive one can do. Many have been more helped by a 12-step program...! for free
My family always escalates situation and I sadly learned it from them too throughout my whole life thinking it’s normal to freak out in a high pressure situation. I am sick of seeing every issue in my house turn into mountains when they are just mole hills.
I feel this hella hard. My family is the same way, emotions control them, and outcomes are usually bad. Anger especially creates flash decisions - escalations for them. On another note, I took psychology in college and stuck on that path. I can whole heartedly say, everything can be changed and improved.
While this could in theory work when I apply to my situation. I find it very difficult to de-escalate once someone is in a blind rage and get verbally abusive.
1. validate until signs ogf releief show. 2. Point out relevant options . 3. Provide total acceptance and have the attitude of yes to their free choice. I think that therapist Barbara de Angelis' emotional scale (from "The secrets of Love") is relevant here too: 1.) Anger, hatred, aggression, resentment, accusation. 2.) Hurt, sadness, 3.) Fear, uncertainty, insecurity, 4.)regret, one's own part and responsibility, 5.)Intentions, Needs, goals, wishes for the future, 6.) acceptance, understanding and forgiveness, 7.) appreciation, well wishes, love. Valuating/confirming (was that the right word of empowering the person?) feelings in that order is probably helpful . adjust to the relevant relationship and situation, of course.
This is awesome. I've worked in the New Zealand Corrections system for over 25 years and when I hear this and look around me to see who's still in the job, it's the people who done these techniques naturally. Done with compassion and authenticity. Keeping your stance almost always led to force or violence being used. Violence is easy, I boxed and done martial arts all my life so getting physical was an easy option but I guess martial arts taught me to look at other options and boxing gave me confidence. I always look at it as if that was one of my children in distress and than work it out from there. Thank you again, brilliant advice.
Thank you so much. Wow, I love what you are saying. In Pennsylvania, we now train all our corrections officers in my Yield Theory, and we strive to emulate the incredible system you have over there. You and your colleagues are an inspiration to the world. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
This is awesome! Thank you for this! I am a female who lives in a neighborhood where the homeless population has quadrupled in the past year, the police response times are 3+ h and its VERY difficult to get people the mental health help they need. I was sexually assaulted 4 times when I was younger, and have learned to de-escalate from experience. These are basically the techniques I've learned. Every time I go out by myself, I am approached, but have learned how to talk to people (who are suffering homelessness/mental illness/substance abuse, etc..) in a helpful and empathetic way and as a result a lot of the staples in our homeless community have gotten to know me and are very kind and protective of me when I go out. I've met some wonderful people in the process and, more importantly, I feel SAFE going going out by myself- because I always have friends around/looking out for me! There is no better feeling than encountering someone who is upset/scared/angry, being able to talk them down and knowing that no one will get hurt. It's a win-win.
How I view de-escalation : it just means to be nice to a person, to send a positive energy to a person for example, if one day my neighbor asks me to help him carry heavy bags if he is smiling to me, and speaking to me in a nice way, I will help him because he sent me a positive energy if he isn't smiling to me, and speaking in an obnoxious way, I won't help him because he sent me a negative energy. If you are nice to a person (aka sending a positive energy), the person will comply If you are not nice to a person (aka sending a negative energy), the person won't comply when you watch american police videos, cops are doing it wrong, there is a person that is holding a knife, and you have police officers yelling loudly and obnoxiously "DROP THE KNIFE !!" they say that 50 times and the person never complies, cops are not being nice to the person, therefore, the person never complies, but now, if the cops talk nicely and quietly with a smile and say "we understand you have problems in your life, tell us your problems, you and us can make something together" here, they are being nice to the person, the person is going to comply
@@Zo-hc2fn Not that simple. When the knife wielder is on drugs and or mentally ill, anything could happen, QUICK ! I agree on training is outdated and has to change.
Number one is the most important. Keeping your cool and not running your mouth off rip is the best piece of advice I know. When dealing with people who are emotionally charged and unreasonable even then it can be very different so if you cannot de escalate the situation even when you've respectfully listened and spoken your minds sometimes you have to leave the situation before it escalates. Some people cannot be reasoned with especially in the heat of their anger.
I’m also an armed security guard and just found this video. Kinda late to the party, but this is wonderful information. Here in Tennessee we’re about to be required to have certification in de escalation techniques and CPR as of January 2023, so this is very helpful. Thanks brother!
Could you please create a video about how to deal or deescalate a hostile person that are intoxicated. I think a lot of people find themselves in difficult situations like this.
Dr. Conte-- This is a must see video for everyone! We never know when the skill of de-escalating will be required. Thank you for your clear, concise, and practical message. You are a difference maker.
Great video, but how can you validate while maintaining your position of opposition... Let say you don't agree with their actions and don't want to take the role of a "pushover" by always being the one to give validation?
Great question! We can validate others without agreeing with their ideas or condoning their actions. All validation is doing is genuinely acknowledging how that person feels. It's really powerful for all of us to feel heard, and when others take the time to validate us, it goes a long way toward calming down. I hope this helps! Thanks for watching and for your kind words! Sending you all the best and much peace!
This was my first exposure to your work, Dr. C., and I am thoroughly impressed and inspired. What I found most appealing was that you are encouraging behaviors that create an environment hospitable to personal growth. It's a solutions-based approach that will most likely benefit everyone involved, including the de-escalator. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge!!
Dr. Conte, thank you so much for your great advices! But, don't you feel consumed after de-escalating someone? When my boyfriend gets angry on me I feel drained, cold, nervous and I can hardly move
Dr. Conte, I love your explanation. Quite logical. I suppose it would be great if you could get some really good actors and enact two sequences to show de-escalation in a practical manner. (Do like this - NOT like this) Or Simply take some movie scenes where you believe the concepts had been shown correctly and the scenes were the concepts had been negated.
As a youth counselor we were taught in mindset training to ask the person "what's three things you could do differently?". This is supposed to allow the person to come up with their own ideas vs us coming up with ideas for them. Thoughts?
I have found that when a person is a patterned perspective, fresh thinking is often not available. Offering examples, (not solutions) can help open that up again.
If i've learned anything from being the manager that people ask for whenever they're mad at one of our frontline call center workers *I work for apple*. These are literally all of the things we teach for every single one of our agents. We perform what's called Triple A's, Acknowledge their situation restating it back to them in a way that demonstrates that it makes sense in your head., align with their feelings providing empathy and validation, and then Assure them that you're going to do everything possible to make sure you can help them with that. Called a commitment to assist. One really helpful tip when you feel like things are going off the rails is to ask for permission to ask them questions about their situation to understand better. By agreeing they're essencially agreeing to allow you to control the conversation and the direction that helps your resolution to their issue feel like a logical and obvious decision. Like if somes order was canceled, the first thing i'll ask them is "do you have a store near you? oh you do thats awesome. Then when you circle back to it you can even reference back to having said it earlier. " you mentioned that you had a store near you, i was checking while we were talking and it looks like they have the item you're looking for in stock".
@@DrChristianConte thank you as well! I work in Portland Oregon doing outreach work on our transit system, I need all the informational power I can get.
Worked at a juvenile detention center and we had to do training like this. It was called motivational interviewing. If it's done well it does work. I went almost 2 years without getting punched which is the most amount of time anyone went without getting assaulted out of everyone who worked there
Got it. I have a list that I keep compiling from ideas people are sending me, and this is definitely going on it. Thank you so much for watching brother. Sending you much peace!
I used to deescalate my parents and my schizophrenic brother. A lot of validating, & providing other options. I am tired of deescalating people. Why do I always have to be the one deescalating? Can you make a video about how to escalate people into conflicts & then getting them to hit me & then I call the cops & laugh at them when they get arrested?
What should you do when the person is angry with someone else, and that someone else is firing up, too? Problem is, when both parties are unwilling to accept their own mistakes or shortcomings, trying to help them cope with each other and talking to them after they calmed down is pretty fruitless...
Great question! I will actually talk about this on my radio show tonight. Would love for you to call in if you can to talk more! Sending you all my best and tons of peace!
What about when their angry says wicked , nasty things this is an emotional hit on you ,, How can you validate this? ....Everybody I know says wicked and cruel things , is this another level to anger not discussed here? .. Personally I don`t see why people have to say wicked things , I don`t but everybody else does.... It feels like a punch in the gut every wicked word they say , only you never forget and it drives a wedge between you , in fact these wicked words can be remembered more than a punch in the gut ...
You are validating their feelings not the behavior. Everyone has the right to be emotional but do not have the right to behave in a way that imposes on others rights or insults others. People who have difficulty dealing with their emotions effectively... behave in ineffective ways.
Will be using these tips at work. I'm a lunchtime supervisor for Year R - Year 2's. i see part of my job as helping the children to deal with conflicts and that things that aren't fair.
Idk how many others can relate but I'm here after the police were called to my home and ESCALATED the situation TWICE so I felt I had to be the change I wanted to see in the world
If possible, we would need to see this in action; but I guess that might be complicated to set up. I went to a non violent direct action workshop which explores the choice of conducting peaceful protest whilst at the same time breaking the Law. it was a self discovery day: when role playing the cop, I wanted the kick the girl playing the protester in the ribs, pretty shocking, but then you get insight into the pressures cops are under when dealing ith protest.
Taylor... just came across your comment. I'm an old guy, married 49 years, with kids, grand-kids, and now 5 great grand-kids. Been an Elder in our Church and done a lot of counseling, blah,blah, etc. I tell you all this so I can hopefully gain some credibility in your eyes because I'd like to offer something to you. You sound like you're having to be the grownup in a type of relationship that MANY well meaning young women find themselves. If things don't/haven't made a remarkable and convincing change of direction, please consider "searching for a new boyfriend" instead of trying to fix a messed up one. If his mom & dad couldn't do it... ? Sadly, us guys TEND to grow up slower then girls but we also have some pretty low numbers when it comes to growing up at all. Seen LOTS of young women who wasted their best years trying to salvage a dysfunctional and one sided relationship. Go shopping for someone who deserves you... he's out there. JUST BE SURE YOU'RE SHOPPING IN THE RIGHT PLACES. Ya won't find a gem at the Dollar Store. If I've trespassed, please forgive me and best wishes.
The world NEEDS more of you. Great content and very relevant in today's angry world of crazies and violent outbursts. Hopefully this will reach the mind of everyone.❤
Thanks for your video. I'm new to your channel and I like what I see so far. I'm curious about descalating passive-aggressive behavior. That is one thing I have a hard time with. It's nearly impossible to communicate with some who shuts down and withdraws. At least the angry person is talking. I never had a lot of official training but because most of my working career was customer service/health care related. I saw a lot of people when they were sick and having a bad day. I can calm some people down because I listen. Then come the passive aggressive behavior and the silent treatment and it hard to listen to someone who's angry but not talking.
The advice is definitely true, and I am pretty good with de-escalating situations. However, there is a situation I find myself struggling with and that is parking enforcement, specifically the towing aspect of it. When Towing a vehicle for illegal parking, How do you de-escalate an angry individual while taking his/her car from him/her? What if the only options are an expensive drop fee or the vehicle being impounded? You're giving them options but none that they wanna hear, the way they see it is im here now, and your not taking my car. Any advice Dr. Christian or others?
This literally actually works use it almost every shift at work I’ve personally sat through 24 hours of one of his classes it is my go to tool on my belt at work best thing I have ever learned
I shall thank you for this knowledge, and I shall use it whenever needed. (I looked up how to deal with an angry person since I live with someone who is seemingly always angry at every little thing in this world.. and they blame everyone for it when in reality its their own actions and behaviour (or lack of) that make their own lives a living hell.. I'm mainly doing this so I can stand being in this household until I move out.. there's been one too many times where I let their awful words and cruel actions get the better of me.. even if I knew it wasn't my fault.)
Will be using these tips at work. I'm a lunchtime supervisor for Year R - Year 2's. i see part of my job as helping the children to deal with conflicts and that things that aren't fair.
INFP-A and I am really digging your videos! Recharging my brain, and taking in the best info/advise I've had in some time. Totally subscribing to your awesome channel! I wish I could give you 2 thumbs up.
Me: " hey sir/mam how can I help you, you seem suuuuper mad" Individual on meth, fentynal, and drunk: hsudhbdf njsishrgrii bsksouffb naludgr bleh Me: "I understand you, I know exactly what you mean." Same individual: duaifbdvsi akoshrvvfu flippity floopity floop (smears shit on thier chin, and urinates on themselves) Me: I hear you, that is a strong arguement. Just know I HEAR you. That's de-escaliation training in san francisco.🤷♂️
Anger is contagious. Depending if it’s aimed at you or someone else. If it’s aimed at you and it’s chronic, I’ve always walked out. I know myself, so walking out is always a good choice. If it’s aimed at someone else, for me, even if it’s as dangerous, it’s been easier to confront and de-escalate.
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. (Isaiah 55:7) Therefore also now, saith the LORD, turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning: And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil. (Joel 2:12-13)
What if they grew up in an abusive home and are playing out their parent's roles? (PTSD) Their anger isn't about what set them off TODAY. Do they still have a "right" to spew their sickness on their family? When do the victims of such an abuser get their feelings validated? Are narcissists ever able to GET that they don't have a RIGHT to feel they can abuse ppl?
How do you de-escalate someone who’s in control? Let’s say it’s a calculated armed robbery. They’re totally focussed, they have a plan, they’re calm. I’m guessing that’s a totally different ballgame. Not a good word for that scenario but yeah....
Great in theory. But in practice just this morning on the underground I watched an angry person hitting and stabbing a passerby. How was I supposed to deescalate that person ? I don't want to be stabbed too.... All I did was call police andvthan reinforcement forvthe two officers who where overwhelmed themselves
Very good accept the current climate of people putting their feelings over everyone else rights and feelings. "no one is right or wrong for how they feel" This is wrong on so many levels. Right now there is so much hate on the political front that this type of "validation" is making things much worse. For example right now many people are feeling hatred towards "white" people for being white. That is not acceptable or right and should never be validated. Keep in mind I did not make everything political, the SJW's did. I am being forced to see everyone for their skin color, not the content of their character. My point is, this may be for certain situations but not all situations.
And what if validating them comes at my own expense, like if I'm being wrongly accused of something and validating their angry accusation means admitting to something I had no part in? It's a trend for them already, I don't want them to think it's OK to keep blaming me.
I am always de escalating people, almost professionally, since seeing your video. I almost enjoy it though reconciling warring parties is hard. But it's possible and Godly
Validate? Yes. Options? What if they don't want options other than their bad behavior or continued rule breaking? Sticking point here. Choice? Once again if they don't want a good choice... another sticking point.
Dr. Conte, is a very wonderful video I am giving you thumbs up. Your very body does have anger problems. We to as people see that they how to use are anger in the right manner. Instead of using anger in a bad way. I could think why I am, so anger. I would have slow down; like you said take a step back. I know I'm anger and upset. Which very body has a right to feel that way. Know a way I know is bad is to project feel of anger on of the members that I am living with. I have an option is take my anger out on that person or walk away. Go find a way to use that the feel that I have and put it go use. I could wash dishes or clean apart of the house where no one is around. Clean the bathroom. My wife does not like clean it and she will not go in to a dirty bathroom. Go do yard work if their is day light. I could go draw. Any time would take mind off what I am feel like, anger, or even frustration. You do a lot good for others in the people you work with on internet, RUclips and probably in your own family. I know your not perfect, but you have a good outlook on dealing with anger, stress and other feels.
Thank you so much for your kind words my man. I know I'm not perfect, in fact, I've spent my life knowing that we are all equal - so I just honestly feel grateful that I was able to come across some information in my life that I can share with others. This life is tough enough as it is, and I really believe that we all need each other. I definitely appreciate you taking time out of your day to share some kind words. Your words are a part of the reason why I will continue to make videos. Sending you all the best and much peace.
Very well said man 💯 You can't tell someone what to do or they'll go the other way, but you can influence their decision making. To make them feel like they did it , it's called the art of coercion . Some people are masters at it ! Donald Trump cough cough
I was talking to a big time Trump supporter and Qanon follower who was a long time friend of mine. When I pointed out some obvious fallacies about Trump and conspiracy theories he became extremely violent. He smashed his wrist against a wall and broke bones in his hand. Threw beer bottles on the concrete. Tried to damage my vehicle. I never saw him again after that.
People need to feel validated before they get angry and then there no need for deescalation. Or rather, People get angry when they dont feel validated and heard. Ive often felt invalidated until I get really pissed off and then I get heard...Well this is exactly classically conditioning the anger and rage , the reward is being heard... Men get mad at women, often, when they feel invalidated, disrespected etc... Anger and rage can be prevented
Dr. Conte I love your videos. You are a contradiction! You look like a badass but are a super nice guy willing to teach peace! LOL That is so awesome.
I'm so glad I subscribed. Anger is definitely trying to ruin my life but I am trying to stop it before it gets out of hand. Thanks for all you do!
King ofHeat it's great that you own it and are trying to change for the better.
I feel the same . 👏😀
If you get through the anger, I guess you can change your name to "The king of cool"
Hehehe Ok goodbye I suck.
I guess im randomly asking but does anyone know of a tool to get back into an instagram account?
I somehow lost my login password. I appreciate any help you can give me
@Johnny Aydin Instablaster =)
I work security and a tip I will give is do not take it personally, 90 % of the time the anger is directed at the situation or the rules you are trying to enforce not you personally.
Absolutely, and this gets taken home from work as well. Seen it at the gym, a real crashout trying to lose it all over his sister 😂 0:52
So, as I understand...
1: Acknowledge how somebody feels and help them feel heard to the point of a release where they feel listened to.
2: Go over the options and consequences of, starting with what they were going to do.
3: Let them really, actually decide what they will do, legitimately and truly.
Validate
Find options
Respect their choice
Thanks!
But what if they are choosing to not comply? Your supposed to just respect there choice and let them continue?
If their choice is violent, we are supposed to respect that?
Thank you this is all I wanted
@@Alittlebitsour6 respect it, but you don’t have to accept it “ I see you’re choosing violence, I present to you consequences”
Well the Bible teaches “a smooth tongue turns away wrath...” I’ve done it and it works.
King James Version: a soft answer turneth away wrath. It’s more about speaking the truth in love than being conniving.
also stories of kill your son to prove you believe in me, oh just kidding, call someone a baldy so have a bear maul a bunch of kids, or marry your sister because of the apocalypse, or stone others because they have multi color cloth. This "word of god" was written by men over hundreds of years translated by many and its historical context loses meaning, its a guide with good examples, but it is not a literal instruction book.
@@komradkyle woah there bud. It's ok, we validate your feelings. We all respect your choice here. No need to get aggressive 👍
If you quote the Bible to try and calm me down, your gonna get hurt lol
@@komradkyle and you never undertook the context on anything
I’m a security officer at a hospital training to be a police officer and this video helps me so much with deescalation and crisis prevention. Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom!!!!!
I'm so grateful to hear that. And I will be posting a new updated de-escalation video soon, so I would love if you could stay tuned to the channel. And thank you tremendously for the work you are doing to keep others safe. Sending you all my best and tons of peace!
Wishing you every success. We need more police like you. 🌹
I’m a security guard a a college campus great info
Good luck with the PD!! I work Armed Security for a private contractor and wish I knew this info when I started. A lot of people on drugs where I work so they are very unpredictable. This advice is better than what I got from my company.
Stay alert, aware, conscious and take great self-care. ❤
As an armed security officer this video should be standard for all Security and Police training. This video is good. Good stuff man.
Any advice or tips
Thank you so much. I wish I would have seen this comment sooner. I hope you still see this. That means a lot to me. Sending you much peace!
This is really great...I am a psych nurse...these things really work if you keep yourself calm.
Thank you so much. Yes, 100% we all need to be mindful of the energy we bring to every interaction. The more we can bring peaceful energy to other people's anger and chaos, the better chance we have to truly help the situation. Sending you all the best and much peace! And thanks for the great work you do!
Thank you
Nk Bushoven in other words, it works for YOU in the moment. but, it puts a bandaid on your clients real issue. and so does the endless professionals that client sees. congrats! you did your JOB. ENJOY your paycheck.
Nk Bushoven I was a nurse..I worked to validate afraid, apprehensive patients..now I have a different job where ppl.treat us like crap ..we're easy targets..I won't validate bad behaviour
@@danab172 I hear you, and yet it is better than being abused and traumatized by psých staff, is it not? At least a good intervention breaks the bad cycle and hopefully helps one turn to the light, activate resources and see what constructive one can do. Many have been more helped by a 12-step program...! for free
These things can be used on yourself with a creative mindset.
It's BEYOND BEING HEARD ITS ABOUT BEING RESOLVED AND VINDICATED PERIOD
My family always escalates situation and I sadly learned it from them too throughout my whole life thinking it’s normal to freak out in a high pressure situation. I am sick of seeing every issue in my house turn into mountains when they are just mole hills.
That sucks, I hope you're in a better place now.
I feel this hella hard. My family is the same way, emotions control them, and outcomes are usually bad. Anger especially creates flash decisions - escalations for them.
On another note, I took psychology in college and stuck on that path. I can whole heartedly say, everything can be changed and improved.
That's wisdom right there
While this could in theory work when I apply to my situation. I find it very difficult to de-escalate once someone is in a blind rage and get verbally abusive.
It works best when you're emotionally uninvolved... Depending on your involvement level, you may not really be able to de-escalate as easily.
1. validate until signs ogf releief show.
2. Point out relevant options .
3. Provide total acceptance and have the attitude of yes to their free choice.
I think that therapist Barbara de Angelis' emotional scale (from "The secrets of Love") is relevant here too:
1.) Anger, hatred, aggression, resentment, accusation.
2.) Hurt, sadness,
3.) Fear, uncertainty, insecurity,
4.)regret, one's own part and responsibility,
5.)Intentions, Needs, goals, wishes for the future,
6.) acceptance, understanding and forgiveness,
7.) appreciation, well wishes, love.
Valuating/confirming (was that the right word of empowering the person?) feelings in that order is probably helpful . adjust to the relevant relationship and situation, of course.
This is awesome. I've worked in the New Zealand Corrections system for over 25 years and when I hear this and look around me to see who's still in the job, it's the people who done these techniques naturally. Done with compassion and authenticity. Keeping your stance almost always led to force or violence being used. Violence is easy, I boxed and done martial arts all my life so getting physical was an easy option but I guess martial arts taught me to look at other options and boxing gave me confidence. I always look at it as if that was one of my children in distress and than work it out from there. Thank you again, brilliant advice.
Thank you so much. Wow, I love what you are saying. In Pennsylvania, we now train all our corrections officers in my Yield Theory, and we strive to emulate the incredible system you have over there. You and your colleagues are an inspiration to the world. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
This is awesome! Thank you for this! I am a female who lives in a neighborhood where the homeless population has quadrupled in the past year, the police response times are 3+ h and its VERY difficult to get people the mental health help they need. I was sexually assaulted 4 times when I was younger, and have learned to de-escalate from experience. These are basically the techniques I've learned. Every time I go out by myself, I am approached, but have learned how to talk to people (who are suffering homelessness/mental illness/substance abuse, etc..) in a helpful and empathetic way and as a result a lot of the staples in our homeless community have gotten to know me and are very kind and protective of me when I go out. I've met some wonderful people in the process and, more importantly, I feel SAFE going going out by myself- because I always have friends around/looking out for me! There is no better feeling than encountering someone who is upset/scared/angry, being able to talk them down and knowing that no one will get hurt. It's a win-win.
Show me your ways!
How I view de-escalation :
it just means to be nice to a person, to send a positive energy to a person
for example, if one day my neighbor asks me to help him carry heavy bags
if he is smiling to me, and speaking to me in a nice way, I will help him
because he sent me a positive energy
if he isn't smiling to me, and speaking in an obnoxious way, I won't help him
because he sent me a negative energy.
If you are nice to a person (aka sending a positive energy), the person will comply
If you are not nice to a person (aka sending a negative energy), the person won't comply
when you watch american police videos, cops are doing it wrong,
there is a person that is holding a knife,
and you have police officers yelling loudly and obnoxiously "DROP THE KNIFE !!"
they say that 50 times and the person never complies,
cops are not being nice to the person, therefore, the person never complies,
but now, if the cops talk nicely and quietly with a smile and say "we understand you have problems in your life, tell us your problems, you and us can make something together"
here, they are being nice to the person,
the person is going to comply
@@Zo-hc2fn Not that simple. When the knife wielder is on drugs and or mentally ill, anything could happen, QUICK ! I agree on training is outdated and has to change.
Number one is the most important. Keeping your cool and not running your mouth off rip is the best piece of advice I know. When dealing with people who are emotionally charged and unreasonable even then it can be very different so if you cannot de escalate the situation even when you've respectfully listened and spoken your minds sometimes you have to leave the situation before it escalates. Some people cannot be reasoned with especially in the heat of their anger.
This is true...even with drunks...the most emotional.
I’m also an armed security guard and just found this video. Kinda late to the party, but this is wonderful information. Here in Tennessee we’re about to be required to have certification in de escalation techniques and CPR as of January 2023, so this is very helpful. Thanks brother!
Wow, I really needed this after an incident earlier today. Thank you!
Awesome! Thanks for your comments! Sending you all my best and tons of peace!
Excellent advice, especially if you are raising a toddler
are you talking about a kid or a husband? bwhahahaha
I’ve taught de-escalation for years. This video is good stuff 👍
Can you teach me ?
What are a few tips or books i can read
Could you please create a video about how to deal or deescalate a hostile person that are intoxicated. I think a lot of people find themselves in difficult situations like this.
I am a middle school teacher and I teach quite a few students who have anger issues. I hope that I can use these principles when working with them.
Dr. Conte-- This is a must see video for everyone! We never know when the skill of de-escalating will be required. Thank you for your clear, concise, and practical message. You are a difference maker.
Thanks brother! I appreciate you!
It's probably easy for you to de-escalate being built like a tank lol.
Validate = paraphrase what they have said... If they have said anything
Thanks.Much Appreciated 👍😁❤️
This was super helpful! I’m currently discussing aggression in my nursing class and I found this video very useful! Thanks for sharing your advice :)
Great video, but how can you validate while maintaining your position of opposition... Let say you don't agree with their actions and don't want to take the role of a "pushover" by always being the one to give validation?
Great question! We can validate others without agreeing with their ideas or condoning their actions. All validation is doing is genuinely acknowledging how that person feels. It's really powerful for all of us to feel heard, and when others take the time to validate us, it goes a long way toward calming down. I hope this helps! Thanks for watching and for your kind words! Sending you all the best and much peace!
Dr. Christian Conte thank you very much for your response. It makes sense. Thanks for all you do.
May be a more concise answer is 'you validate his or her feeling, NOT his or her ideas or actions'. Right?
This was my first exposure to your work, Dr. C., and I am thoroughly impressed and inspired. What I found most appealing was that you are encouraging behaviors that create an environment hospitable to personal growth. It's a solutions-based approach that will most likely benefit everyone involved, including the de-escalator. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge!!
Hello ! Dr Conte, i m not good at how to validate . Please, i need to understaind this part better, with more examples. Love and peace. thank you
This is awesome!! Where have you been all my life...
Lol. Sending you all my best and tons of peace!
Dr. Conte, thank you so much for your great advices! But, don't you feel consumed after de-escalating someone? When my boyfriend gets angry on me I feel drained, cold, nervous and I can hardly move
Dr. Conte, I love your explanation. Quite logical.
I suppose it would be great if you could get some really good actors and enact two sequences to show de-escalation in a practical manner. (Do like this - NOT like this) Or
Simply take some movie scenes where you believe the concepts had been shown correctly and the scenes were the concepts had been negated.
As a youth counselor we were taught in mindset training to ask the person "what's three things you could do differently?". This is supposed to allow the person to come up with their own ideas vs us coming up with ideas for them. Thoughts?
I have found that when a person is a patterned perspective, fresh thinking is often not available. Offering examples, (not solutions) can help open that up again.
@@hughparker3971 can you please give some examples of examples vs solutions?
Thank you, I tried this today and it did work! (Had to go back at step 1 once, guess I had rushed it the first time)
If i've learned anything from being the manager that people ask for whenever they're mad at one of our frontline call center workers *I work for apple*. These are literally all of the things we teach for every single one of our agents. We perform what's called Triple A's, Acknowledge their situation restating it back to them in a way that demonstrates that it makes sense in your head., align with their feelings providing empathy and validation, and then Assure them that you're going to do everything possible to make sure you can help them with that. Called a commitment to assist. One really helpful tip when you feel like things are going off the rails is to ask for permission to ask them questions about their situation to understand better. By agreeing they're essencially agreeing to allow you to control the conversation and the direction that helps your resolution to their issue feel like a logical and obvious decision. Like if somes order was canceled, the first thing i'll ask them is "do you have a store near you? oh you do thats awesome. Then when you circle back to it you can even reference back to having said it earlier. " you mentioned that you had a store near you, i was checking while we were talking and it looks like they have the item you're looking for in stock".
Best way to de-escalate someone is to give them a good ol' fashion beat down.
This is so helpful!
xoxo,
Iya
Thank you!
Well said. New sub ❤️
I watch this over and over to keep it fresh in my mind for when the real thing occurs! Thanks for this invaluable tool for my arsenal.
Thank you so much for your kind words! Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
@@DrChristianConte thank you as well! I work in Portland Oregon doing outreach work on our transit system, I need all the informational power I can get.
Worked at a juvenile detention center and we had to do training like this. It was called motivational interviewing. If it's done well it does work. I went almost 2 years without getting punched which is the most amount of time anyone went without getting assaulted out of everyone who worked there
Dr. Conte, you should put out a video that has anger, relationship, depression, and desolation tie in to one.
Got it. I have a list that I keep compiling from ideas people are sending me, and this is definitely going on it. Thank you so much for watching brother. Sending you much peace!
Christian love the videos, can i suggest we change the sound for the transition? Piercing my ears in the office! Much appreciation for the posts
Ha! Thanks! I'm learning about editing as I go for sure! Sending you all the best and much peace brother!
I used to deescalate my parents and my schizophrenic brother. A lot of validating, & providing other options.
I am tired of deescalating people. Why do I always have to be the one deescalating? Can you make a video about how to escalate people into conflicts & then getting them to hit me & then I call the cops & laugh at them when they get arrested?
What's going on in your life man?
You are correct but you not giving specifics. Chris Voss is the only one I heard and read give concrete specifics and techniques.
What I was taught in sales when handling escalations
Acknowledge
Empathize
Reassure
This seems super useful this summer in particular. Just shared via FB!
Where should my eyes be directed at when de-escalating an angry person? And what else about my eyes in that situation?
I need help 😭😭 i cant talk my 15 years daughter she offended me
What should you do when the person is angry with someone else, and that someone else is firing up, too? Problem is, when both parties are unwilling to accept their own mistakes or shortcomings, trying to help them cope with each other and talking to them after they calmed down is pretty fruitless...
Great question! I will actually talk about this on my radio show tonight. Would love for you to call in if you can to talk more! Sending you all my best and tons of peace!
What about when their angry says wicked , nasty things this is an emotional hit on you ,, How can you validate this? ....Everybody I know says wicked and cruel things , is this another level to anger not discussed here? .. Personally I don`t see why people have to say wicked things , I don`t but everybody else does.... It feels like a punch in the gut every wicked word they say , only you never forget and it drives a wedge between you , in fact these wicked words can be remembered more than a punch in the gut ...
You are validating their feelings not the behavior. Everyone has the right to be emotional but do not have the right to behave in a way that imposes on others rights or insults others. People who have difficulty dealing with their emotions effectively... behave in ineffective ways.
You are a great teacher, thank you for this verbiage extremely useful!
Here to de-escalate myself! Thank you.
can you explain how to de - escalate a police Officer ?
Will be using these tips at work. I'm a lunchtime supervisor for Year R - Year 2's. i see part of my job as helping the children to deal with conflicts and that things that aren't fair.
Idk how many others can relate but I'm here after the police were called to my home and ESCALATED the situation TWICE so I felt I had to be the change I wanted to see in the world
If possible, we would need to see this in action; but I guess that might be complicated to set up.
I went to a non violent direct action workshop which explores the choice of conducting peaceful protest whilst at the same time breaking the Law.
it was a self discovery day: when role playing the cop, I wanted the kick the girl playing the protester in the ribs, pretty shocking, but then you get insight into the pressures cops are under when dealing ith protest.
imagine having to search this on youtube because of your boyfriend... sigh...
Taylor... just came across your comment. I'm an old guy, married 49 years, with kids, grand-kids, and now 5 great grand-kids. Been an Elder in our Church and done a lot of counseling, blah,blah, etc. I tell you all this so I can hopefully gain some credibility in your eyes because I'd like to offer something to you. You sound like you're having to be the grownup in a type of relationship that MANY well meaning young women find themselves. If things don't/haven't made a remarkable and convincing change of direction, please consider "searching for a new boyfriend" instead of trying to fix a messed up one. If his mom & dad couldn't do it... ? Sadly, us guys TEND to grow up slower then girls but we also have some pretty low numbers when it comes to growing up at all. Seen LOTS of young women who wasted their best years trying to salvage a dysfunctional and one sided relationship. Go shopping for someone who deserves you... he's out there. JUST BE SURE YOU'RE SHOPPING IN THE RIGHT PLACES. Ya won't find a gem at the Dollar Store. If I've trespassed, please forgive me and best wishes.
Thanks brother, great tips 👍🏻 I'll put this on practice! Regards my man! Keep giving us wisdom and Thank you!
The world NEEDS more of you. Great content and very relevant in today's angry world of crazies and violent outbursts. Hopefully this will reach the mind of everyone.❤
Thanks for your video. I'm new to your channel and I like what I see so far.
I'm curious about descalating passive-aggressive behavior. That is one thing I have a hard time with. It's nearly impossible to communicate with some who shuts down and withdraws.
At least the angry person is talking. I never had a lot of official training but because most of my working career was customer service/health care related. I saw a lot of people when they were sick and having a bad day. I can calm some people down because I listen.
Then come the passive aggressive behavior and the silent treatment and it hard to listen to someone who's angry but not talking.
The advice is definitely true, and I am pretty good with de-escalating situations. However, there is a situation I find myself struggling with and that is parking enforcement, specifically the towing aspect of it. When Towing a vehicle for illegal parking, How do you de-escalate an angry individual while taking his/her car from him/her? What if the only options are an expensive drop fee or the vehicle being impounded? You're giving them options but none that they wanna hear, the way they see it is im here now, and your not taking my car. Any advice Dr. Christian or others?
This literally actually works use it almost every shift at work I’ve personally sat through 24 hours of one of his classes it is my go to tool on my belt at work best thing I have ever learned
I shall thank you for this knowledge, and I shall use it whenever needed.
(I looked up how to deal with an angry person since I live with someone who is seemingly always angry at every little thing in this world.. and they blame everyone for it when in reality its their own actions and behaviour (or lack of) that make their own lives a living hell.. I'm mainly doing this so I can stand being in this household until I move out.. there's been one too many times where I let their awful words and cruel actions get the better of me.. even if I knew it wasn't my fault.)
An invaluable skill to have.
What should you do if the person decides they want to hurt you anyway? Even after following the steps?
Dude first video I’ve seen of yours. Ty for posting this man. I listened to every word and know your speaking truth. Thanks for taking the time.
Will be using these tips at work. I'm a lunchtime supervisor for Year R - Year 2's. i see part of my job as helping the children to deal with conflicts and that things that aren't fair.
Nice. Thank you! And thanks for the work you do with young people!
I like this video its clear and easy to follow and understand . I agree with doing the first two steps then # three will be a good outcome .
Question: How long does this process takes? Does it take minutes? hours? days?
Also, thank you for this useful and very well made video.
Great work! Your videos and your book on parenting have helped me so much. Thank you.
Colleen Ann Thank you so much!
You are truly a master of your trade
Thank God for this video !
Thank you for watching it! Sending you much peace!
This helped me see how to deal with a narcissistic sibling. Thank you.
I'm grateful to hear that it helped, but I'm sorry to hear that you have that experience. Definitely sending you much peace.
INFP-A and I am really digging your videos! Recharging my brain, and taking in the best info/advise I've had in some time. Totally subscribing to your awesome channel! I wish I could give you 2 thumbs up.
Is there anything different that should be done if the individual is intoxicated ?
I know I should listen, but by looking at you, all I can think of is my need to go to the gym
Thank you for helping all of us, much joy love and strength your way brother!!
This is really good! Thank you!
Please remove the loud sounds effects from future videos
Wow, so helpful at my work! Actually in life too😊thank you so much 💝
Me: " hey sir/mam how can I help you, you seem suuuuper mad"
Individual on meth, fentynal, and drunk: hsudhbdf njsishrgrii bsksouffb naludgr bleh
Me: "I understand you, I know exactly what you mean."
Same individual: duaifbdvsi akoshrvvfu flippity floopity floop (smears shit on thier chin, and urinates on themselves)
Me: I hear you, that is a strong arguement. Just know I HEAR you.
That's de-escaliation training in san francisco.🤷♂️
Anger is contagious. Depending if it’s aimed at you or someone else. If it’s aimed at you and it’s chronic, I’ve always walked out. I know myself, so walking out is always a good choice. If it’s aimed at someone else, for me, even if it’s as dangerous, it’s been easier to confront and de-escalate.
SO basically be like Goku or understand the situation quick enouhg to address it the proper way.. YEAH thats not reallistic thats by chance lol.
This works for 9-year-old girls too. JS
No it will work. U have to keep cool first. Bcoz in crowd control its important to keep self cool
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. (Isaiah 55:7)
Therefore also now, saith the LORD, turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning: And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil. (Joel 2:12-13)
yes! keep making more videos!
Azure Mind Thank you so much!
I appreciate this video so much!
Lu Thank you!
What if they grew up in an abusive home and are playing out their parent's roles? (PTSD)
Their anger isn't about what set them off TODAY. Do they still have a "right" to spew their sickness on their family? When do the victims of such an abuser get their feelings validated?
Are narcissists ever able to GET that they don't have a RIGHT to feel they can abuse ppl?
How do you de-escalate someone who’s in control?
Let’s say it’s a calculated armed robbery. They’re totally focussed, they have a plan, they’re calm.
I’m guessing that’s a totally different ballgame. Not a good word for that scenario but yeah....
Great in theory. But in practice just this morning on the underground I watched an angry person hitting and stabbing a passerby. How was I supposed to deescalate that person ? I don't want to be stabbed too.... All I did was call police andvthan reinforcement forvthe two officers who where overwhelmed themselves
Very good accept the current climate of people putting their feelings over everyone else rights and feelings. "no one is right or wrong for how they feel" This is wrong on so many levels. Right now there is so much hate on the political front that this type of "validation" is making things much worse. For example right now many people are feeling hatred towards "white" people for being white. That is not acceptable or right and should never be validated. Keep in mind I did not make everything political, the SJW's did. I am being forced to see everyone for their skin color, not the content of their character. My point is, this may be for certain situations but not all situations.
And what if validating them comes at my own expense, like if I'm being wrongly accused of something and validating their angry accusation means admitting to something I had no part in? It's a trend for them already, I don't want them to think it's OK to keep blaming me.
I am always de escalating people, almost professionally, since seeing your video.
I almost enjoy it though reconciling warring parties is hard. But it's possible and Godly
Validate? Yes. Options? What if they don't want options other than their bad behavior or continued rule breaking? Sticking point here. Choice? Once again if they don't want a good choice... another sticking point.
Warrior of Compassion...oH KAY
Dr. Conte, is a very wonderful video
I am giving you thumbs up. Your very body does have anger problems. We to as people see that they how to use are anger in the right manner. Instead of using anger in a bad way. I could think why I am, so anger. I would have slow down; like you said take a step back. I know I'm anger and upset. Which very body has a right to feel that way. Know a way I know is bad is to project feel of anger on of the members that I am living with. I have an option is take my anger out on that person or walk away. Go find a way to use that the feel that I have and put it go use. I could wash dishes or clean apart of the house where no one is around. Clean the bathroom. My wife does not like clean it and she will not go in to a dirty bathroom. Go do yard work if their is day light. I could go draw. Any time would take mind off what I am feel like, anger, or even frustration. You do a lot good for others in the people you work with on internet, RUclips and probably in your own family. I know your not perfect, but you have a good outlook on dealing with anger, stress and other feels.
Thank you so much for your kind words my man. I know I'm not perfect, in fact, I've spent my life knowing that we are all equal - so I just honestly feel grateful that I was able to come across some information in my life that I can share with others. This life is tough enough as it is, and I really believe that we all need each other. I definitely appreciate you taking time out of your day to share some kind words. Your words are a part of the reason why I will continue to make videos. Sending you all the best and much peace.
Very well said man 💯 You can't tell someone what to do or they'll go the other way, but you can influence their decision making. To make them feel like they did it , it's called the art of coercion . Some people are masters at it ! Donald Trump cough cough
I was talking to a big time Trump supporter and Qanon follower who was a long time friend of mine.
When I pointed out some obvious fallacies about Trump and conspiracy theories he became extremely violent. He smashed his wrist against a wall and broke bones in his hand. Threw beer bottles on the concrete. Tried to damage my vehicle.
I never saw him again after that.
People need to feel validated before they get angry and then there no need for deescalation.
Or rather, People get angry when they dont feel validated and heard.
Ive often felt invalidated until I get really pissed off and then I get heard...Well this is exactly classically conditioning the anger and rage , the reward is being heard...
Men get mad at women, often, when they feel invalidated, disrespected etc...
Anger and rage can be prevented