I wonder if they (Nate and Sutton, Paul and Morgan, Classically Abby, Girl Defined... the list goes on) realise how miserable they make marriage sound?
Well when youre depressed all the time, you dont notice - Reverend Putty I could easily get any of those you mentioned confused as members of that one Christian sect that believes life is meant to be miserable and the more you suffer the more heavenly rewards you'll accrue (i swear this is a real sect of Christianity that genuinely believes this, the name just escapes me atm)
@elleofhearts8471 There's quite a few more than one. It's an idea that's boiled into a lot of religion in general, not just Christianity. But, I know for a fact that all the polygamous offshoots or Mormonism believe it for the women, as well as JWs.
Right? Classically Abby's latest videos indicate real marriage trouble. She said in one of them that "marriage isn't about love, it's about duty." Like, girl, what kinda marriage are you in?
As a survivor of intimate partner abuse, I recognize many of these questions as things my ex would use to collect emotional ammo or to manipulate. Anyone interrogating me like this would be blocked. Red flag city.
That's what I was thinking, too. Telling someone your deepest secret unprovoked only to ask for theirs is so manipulative, especially since a porn confession isn't even that big of a deal.
exactly my first thought!! asking someone for their deepest secret sure seems like you would use that later to manipulate them. terrible advice but what else did we expect from nate and sutton
I think in one of Brene Brown’s books, she refers to this type of vulnerability as “hot wiring connection” and does not have good things to say about it
@@MsBirga very that. it would also make me wildly uncomfortable as someone who's "deepest secrets" are really just deep seated trauma crap, you know? nope, don't give me the space to build trust or time to actually feel comfortable being vulnerable, just yank that shit right outta me with no regard for my comfort level. that's not sus and crappy at all!
same... its definitely an interrogation. To collect more information about them than you're giving them.. step 1; manufacture vulnerability.. 2. angle the discussion around their pinch points - you will need these for later... 3. suggest you're now accountabilibuddies to foster dependence and reduce your targets guard. The only part of this whole thing that lightened the mood was when he interrupted her to say "or confession"; and the tone she took when she said "yea..." like, she was so irritated. AND THEN she said perhaps you could confess to your secret porn addiction. It felt really pointed... I don't know if ill ever use these tactics to win friends and influence people into a position of submission, but i do feel like i left this video knowing a bit more about Nate than he knows about me :)
“Forced and coerced vulnerability”… literally this is how it felt when we would break into small groups at church and talk. It just felt so forced, uncomfortable, and fake.
Imagine being at the beach or getting a coffee, trying to have a normal day and these two idiots approach you and go "Hey, I'm gonna tell you my deepest darkest secret: I can't stop watching porn... Now tit for tat, you tell me your deepest darkest secret" No consent, no boundries...
Oh my god, what the fuck. Like jfc I don't want to know that shit you and no, you don't get to know something I don't want you to know about me, what a weird and invasive thing to ask people
Yeah that’s so creepy 😂 that’s what I was saying to someone in the comments above about self injury it’s just so weird normal people don’t go around harassing others to 😂 and the religious people do it a lot. Just went to planned parenthood to get a dr note and they harassed me and my boyfriend about 40 people out there 😂
If I was talking to a person and they asked me "what is one thing you wouldn't want me to know about you?" that would be the last conversation I'd ever have with that person.
As someone with ocd, watching these people talk about things like "consuming thoughts" and "confessions" like they're easy breezy conversation topics is so frustrating. Confessions as a way to build intimacy hits particularly close to home, and i hate the idea of people building compulsions like that after watching content like N&S.
@LouisaWatt It’s not just risky, it’s downright toxic. You’re shamed for being neurodivergent and you’re “letting the devil win” mentality, is the way they treat us. You’re told to “fix yourself” with prayer. I can confirm it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, I have a ton of religious abuse to work through because of what these Bible thumpers believe and push onto us.
This kind of mindset leads to artificial intimacy. I had many conversations like this in Bible college with people I literally haven't talked to since graduation. I do have friends I still talk to but our relationships evolved naturally because we vibed. But so many times in evangelical communities I've found that the "intimacy" and "connection" was totally fleeting and I was out of sight out of mind as soon as I moved away. Real connection and intimacy involves caring enough to stay in touch. You can't create that by over disclosure and prying.
I totally get that I have generalized anxiety and it’s not always simple to talk about especially because sometimes things things I’m thinking about may feel irrational to others so I’m nervous they’re going to judge me even though if they’re in my life they shouldn’t be it’s just my anxiety telling me .
Oh my gosh YES. Exactly. And if you try to explain your intrusive thoughts aren’t going away, they’ll just tell you to pray harder or more or better or something
I have spent so long trying to unlearn trauma dumping on people, to find where boundaries are so i don't accidentally make people feel uncomfortable/overwhelmed/upset with my attempts to share/bond. And the advice from Nate and Sutton seems to be "No, do it MORE!" Just awful.
Oh my god same. I feel so embarrassed about stuff I’ve told ppl in the past!! I finally understand how to keep myself & other ppl “safe” during convos. These 2 idiots are actively trying to behave the unhealthy way. Really wreaks of abuse yknow.
@@angiep2229 totally get it. one thing i found that helped was if i shared something intense, i'd pause a moment to just ask if that's okay, cuz i don't wanna make the person uncomfortable. and then based on their reaction, i can kinda know whether it's okay to proceed and keep talking about it or whether i'm in oversharing territory and need to zip it. cuz you can usually tell whether it's an uncomfortable and insincere "oh no, that's fine" or if it's real and they're like, "no, it's okay, you're not making me uncomfortable, don't worry"
@@indigoigloo This is really hard to learn if you are on the spectrum, like me. I have looked up to this face 😮 once or twice. Mask slip😂. I had no idea why either because I did not find out about the autism until just recently. Wreak=causing harm btw-which also fits with this but not your sentence-reek=smells strongly, which is the word that fits. Common error, but my English major part is yelling at me to tell you!✌️♥️
@@justkiddin84 I appreciate your deep English knowledge thank you lol. I hear you that it can be hard to know when you’re oversharing - but it’s worth learning so that you can protect yourself from nasty people. Don’t wait to learn the hard way!
I came here to say this! It makes me really uncomfy. The poor woman either needs to get away from her husband, or she needs some botox to relax the corners of her mouth. Yeesh...
So manipulative. “I’m going to win at asking more questions and learning more about them and not letting them know more about me. I’m so caring. I win at caring.” Also, both of them lock their eyes with a camera in a very disturbing way. Are they being held hostage?
They are being held hostage by an unhealthy upbringing in basically a cult. And that cult taught them to think like your first sentence, so that they have ammo to pull the person into their messed up belief system! It’s nasty.✌️♥️ (IMO)
Lol 😂 omg I just realized my ex Christian friend would do that she’s still a Christian abut she would never share anything personal with me and she is a counselor. Very strange person it goes both ways even my boyfriend tells me stuff no one else really knows. Just seems fake when someone is always the listener and doesn’t share things about them
I’m a devout Christian and it’s a real thing. I’m super wary of other Christians who do not divulge anything personal ever. It should be equal, not one sided. It becomes a way to assert superiority and it’s definitely manufactured religiosity. It can be hard to pick up on but it always feels wrong and bad.
Literally one of my favorite things to do with a friend is to listen to them talk about fighting games, French films, or whatever they’re in atm and then tell them all about supernatural creatures
I get the impression that he doesn't like her very much but chose her because she is submissive. It feels like he is much more of a dictator in this relationship than Paul is with Morgan.
@@morgianasartre6709when he saw sutton on tinder he wondered if she was still a virgin because he would only accept a virgin 🤮 like imagine the trauma you would get from this man expecting you to be so submissive
@@Lja77613 I mean, they are both involved christians so wanting to marry a virgin is not exactly new or surprising. Do we know if he at least was a virgin himself?
He probably asked the other girl he was dating simultaneously, these questions first. So when he got to his date with Sutton he was too tired to ask her. 😂😂
Nate and Sutton framed it in a weird and uncomfortable way, but I do like a similar question to their "Is there anything that's been on your mind lately?" The version I like is "Is there anything that you have been really interested in lately?" It usually leads to us talking about their favorite hobby, something they're learning, etc. 🤔 The way they took the question was way more invasive... 😧
I love hearing about people’s niche interests. I’m in grad school and my cohort has weekly “research chats” where we meet up for coffee and just talk about what we’re researching at the moment, what topics we’re curious about, etc. It’s a lot of fun.
I’m in my 30s and I’ve had the same BFF since I was 5 and I would NEVER ask them “what is something you don’t want me to know about you?” Because you know what, if they want me to know, they will TELL ME. We’ve been best friends for over two decades and I respect that that doesn’t mean I have the right to know everything, and I’m not always the right person to know some things, that’s for my friend to decide.
Them: "I noticed you cuss a lot and that is damaging your relationship with god." Me: "Fuck, really? Well shit. I never fucking realized that. Oh damn, how fucking embarrassing. I'm gonna try super fucking hard not to cuss anymore. I swear to fucking god!"
Considering how often these people are the type to walk up to random people to talk about Jesus and they'll say "God told me to talk to you", I'd just say "nah, it's good. I asked and the Lord told me it's gucci" and just keep going about my day.
This weirdly mechanical and systematic line of questioning and approach to "relationship building" is the kind of thing someone whose chasing the end result of a close relationship rather than someone whose interested in nurturing a relationship by appreciating an individual as they are, honoring their boundaries, and building a sense of comfort by letting barriers unfold naturally.
very that. gives the same vibe as people who post on socials about how AMAZING their relationship is. They like the IMAGE of the relationship and the idea of it, but don't actually give a damn about the person or the relationship itself, only the optics of it. i wish to build a sense of intimacy with you, not by doing the things to achieve real intimacy like building trust or caring about your partner, where intimacy is the natural end result, but by fast tracking it and gaming the system. shit is just a means to an end with them, and honestly, doing things that way gives off very manipulative, controlling tiptoeing into abusive vibes
The thing to remember is that, in Christian dating, the idea is to objectively find out whether the other person is a good marriage match, BEFORE you develop any sort of actual romantic feelings for them...like literally, you aren't supposed to fall in love until you're engaged in some circles. I've seen Christian dating advice variously say a couple should date for 3-6 months before getting engaged, or that there should never be more than 18 months between first date and wedding...the idea is to absolutely minimize any chance of premarital sex. But as an approach to dating, it is really unnatural. Maybe this is why despite being a Christian, I always end up with the deconstructed agnostic guys...idk. Hope that offers some insight into this. I am an Autistic psychology nerd who has spent a lot of time in evangelical circles, I live for this kind of hyperanalysis lol
“Chasing the end result of a close relationship” sums up exactly what I was thinking. As a former fundie myself, I can see how this really applies to dating because you’re “dating with the intent of marriage” instead of dating to learn what you want in partnership or if you even desire partnership at all
@@recklessmermaid yeah, i feel like there's a reason all these fundie couples seem so unhappy in their marriages, and it's exactly that. cuz they're dating with the intent of marriage, instead of dating to see whether or not they're compatible long term, or whether or not they truly even like each other as people
The thing about "confessing your sins" to someone to deepen your relationship... I would never do with someone I have a casual relationship with. That kind of confidence is reserved for only a few people in life. You need to know the person you're confiding in is responsible enough to handle your sensitive information with care.
I can't stop looking at Suttin's facial expressions throughout this video. She looks so disengaged, almost like she doesn't believe the advice she and Nate are trying to preach. I doubt that she and Nate have even asked these questions to each other.
They really said "we don't know why people love to tell us personal things" and then their advice was "start off by confessing your sins and then ask them invasive personal questions". Like what.
My dad used to refuse to go to church group meetings because he was always worried someone was going to ask him to share 'the worst thing he's ever done'. Didn't realize at the time how spot on he was.
This advice sounds exactly like what I experienced in a small Southern Baptist church with a small group. We were encouraged to tell the group things we were struggling with and get really vulnerable with the pastor and his wife. This super mechanical way of getting too close and vulnerable too fast was looked at as righteous and God-honoring. And our every word was examined with a microscope and often corrected or twisted out of context. When I didn't feel safe getting vulnerable anymore, I was looked at with suspicion and disappointment. It was suuuuper unhealthy.
Woah. The part about interview style questions and being neurodivergent--what a great way to get a very earnest person reveal all their vulnerabilities to a control freak/manipulator.
OH YES. I am Autistic and I have had this done to me, both in Christian circles and just out there in the secular world, A LOT. Sadly, has kind of made me distrust church folks...and, well, just about everyone :(
As someone who is autistic and like rarely makes eye contact with even my own family, I really hate when people talk about eye contact like it's the most important thing in the world. I literally get soooo uncomfortable making eye contact and I just can't do it 😭. And I'm always worried people think I'm a jerk because of this type of sentiment! But like I just can't do it 😅... So I appreciate whenever anyone pushes back on that because it shouldn't be that big of a deal! Imo at least lol😂
Same here. On top of that, i had a relative that forced eye contect with them as an abusive tactic. Basically, me not being able to make eye contact meant that I was lying and "deserved" to be hit
@@mediathenetrunner1674 same. my mother would scream at me to "look at her." like lady, i'm not staring at the floor because i'm not paying attention. i'm staring at the spot on the tile in a desperate attempt to maintain my composure, cuz you'll only punish me worse for "turning on the waterworks" i hate when people force eye contact to know you're "really paying attention". like you know that my ears still work even if my eyeballs aren't painted at you right? \ and further, if you actually give a damn about my comfort level, the LAST thing you're gonna make me do is look you in the eye
Honestly I can truely attest to that!! When I was in elementary and middle school I remember by social skills group leader would be upset when I don’t make eye contact with her or other people in the group. Not only that but my mom and 6th teacher would often harass me when I don’t make eye contact with them or when my mom observed that I didn’t eye contact with other people that I make conversation with. Even now when I’m interviewing for jobs post college that is something I’m still struggling with and idk why people expect that out of us. Like I understand it represents politeness but I don’t think people should take it as someone being rude
As someone who is autistic and ADHD, I felt uncomfortable from the beginning of Nate and Sutton's video. I literally felt my guard go up immediately, and I hate forced intimacy. Also, I have recently realized that my high masking has caused me to struggle with setting boundaries, but, in this case, my brain was like, "boundary...boundary...boundary...BOUNDARY!!!!"
idk if it's a cultural difference or a neurodivergence thing, but their demeanor is really offputting to me. just waaay too much direct eye contact and teeth or something, it feels almost aggressive lol. so i can only imagine getting an interrogation from them
It's always strange to me when people brag about how empathetic they are and people tell them everything and then proceed to make fun of those people. I'm sure some people don't have the best boundaries, but just the juxtaposition of that is so strange. And I just feel bad for anyone who did talk to them and felt some kind of connection and see this in a video and wonder if they turned around and made fun of them right after. Hopefully they find someone better to follow though ❤
I don't even believe random people find them so approachable that they're willing to divulge deep dark, intimate information about themsleves to either in this pair. They have an uncanny vibe about them. A mannequin thats been left in the microwave for too long is more approachable than these two combined.
It's a classic trading other people's info/drama to hot wire a false sense of connection instead of being authentic. It can feel pretty addictive to share drama and it's sometimes the only way some people know how to feel connection with others. I didn't realize this was not a healthy and normal way to connect until 2012 when learned about Brene Brown's BRAVING framework, and that it's considered a vault violation. As a person who has had this (people telling me their "secrets" when I first meet them) happen to them a lot, and as an autistic person where honesty and trust are naturally approached differently.... Usually the folks who share deep quick are either autistic or have porous/very few boundaries and/or do not know how to protect/respect/enforce their own boundaries. From my experience with autistic people, it's not shitty boundaries - it's that we have a tendency to value honesty, authenticity, directness, autonomy, and courage over social status or expectation or power. Small talk and superficial talk usually serves the function of navigating hierarchy, power, and signaling solidarity via indirect communication (word choice, vocal prosody, body language, etc). Since that process is pretty useless and downright exhausting and/or impossible for a lot of us, a lot of us would rather skip it and risk rejection pretty immediately, in part, because it's unsustainable for us to do things the allistic way.
It's pretty gross, I agree. I've said to all my friends and family at some point, "I'm the graveyard where your secrets go to die." I've heard a LOT of shit from a LOT of people over the decades, and all that stuff is locked away with those secrets being the only things I take with me when I shuffle this mortal coil. What's funny, though, is that I don't trust a single one of those MF'ers with my dark secrets. So while I absorb all their junk, my stuff is put on the shelf right next to them. My therapist is the only person I trust; probably because a subconscious part of me knows they've got training in how to properly deal with what I say and won't throw me under the bus the second they get the chance. I, uh, have pretty serious trust issues. Clearly. I'm working on them but...well, I bet a lot of people here know exactly how I feel.
@@Lja77613It's not that it's bitter that's the issue. It's that you are low key saying that someone who looks like they could be in an abusive relationship (whether they realize it or not) that they asked for that treatment and so you have no pity for them. Which is a type of victim blaming. It's that your comments show a nasty attitude that should never be your reaction. Look, I may not agree with their opinions, but never do I look at someone who is showing signs of genuine dysfunction and possible abuse in their relationship and go "you married that so you knew what you were getting. I don't feel bad for you because you must have wanted that." I can separate my distaste for their opinions from their possible status as a victim. If they were to come out tomorrow saying their partners were abusive, I would not go "well you married that so tough cookies. I don't have pity to spare for you because you married him and you spread nasty beliefs." I'd still go "you do not deserve that treatment. I am sorry that your partner is that way. Let's get you out." To be quite blunt: you are doing the same toxic bs they are but targeting Christianity instead. That's no better. It's equally hypocritical from you as from them.
I have a coworker who is great at asking questions. He will ask questions like “what’s your favorite sea creature?” Or “have you ever eaten spaghetti?” Or “what do you think would be the currency in an end-of-the-world scenario” It’s truly chaotic and fun and I approve.
B/C in Evangelical circles, watching porn is one of the worst things you can do. Like, it is considered as bad as adultery (and for some reason, called out a lot more than actual adultery, which is quite frankly beyond me). In Christian circles, friends are supposed to be people who hold you accountable to doing the right moral thing, NOT people who will accept you unconditionally no matter what. That is the big difference between Christian friendship and secular friendship...so, yes, you are expected to confess your dirty laundry to your friends, because that's how you get held accountable and stop watching porn. Sounds really unhealthy...but I mean, on the positive side, confession is a big (and good in most cases) part of Christian doctrine, the idea that we can be forgiven by sharing with others and find that support, and I think it checks out with secular common sense in some cases...but yeah, the Evangelical Christian world sometimes does take it to an extreme that can be kinda unhealthy. I'm an Autistic psychology nerd who spent a lot of my young adulthood in the conservative evangelical world, I live for this kind of hyperanalysis. Hope it helps you to understand.
As a Christian I would just like to say thank you so much for pointing out that we’re not all like this ❤ I can’t stand when these fundies give us all a bad rep
@@dreamchaser7603 it's not about liking or disliking somone. If you ask me an invasive question and try to feing closeness with me, I will give you an answer. Usually one that reviews around a heavy topic people don't want to tall about without the anominity of the internet. I don't insult anyone by their appearance or their behavior or religion. I simply make them consider asking these kinds of questions again.
@@skelley4081completely reasonable imo! Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer too.. there was one time someone asked something like "what's your most painful memory?" and I just went "probably when I was brutally r*ped at 15" the silence was.. tangible
Re: the phone thing. She literally says I hate when you look at your phone when I’m talking to you. And he deflects the crap out of it! “Well you know sometimes there’s a phone call or a text you have to reply to” is there? Is he incapable of saying “ babe hang on a second I have to take this asap” or does he just go “ uhuh I’m listening” * stares at phone *. Me thinks it’s the second
When you said that even people who struggle socially shouldn’t constantly feel like they are pining for affection from their friends /partners that really resonated with me. As a recovering people pleaser, I think for a long time I thought that dynamic was normal, I thought that I simply wasn’t being a good friend. I have since been cutting out toxic people from my life and have been amazed not only how peaceful my life has become, but like you said I can actually talk to people and form connections without it having to be this weird chasing dynamic and it actually does come naturally without me having to force things. I think that’s really important for people who never had a solid understanding of healthy friendships to hear that. 🙌🏻
This feels like a test for their friends. I felt like they were secretly trying to tell the people in their own lives how they would like them to act or what they would like to be asked.
25:07 YES absolutely I agree with you about eye contact. I’m neurodivergent and able to have the most open, honest, vulnerable, *safe* conversations with my husband when I’m *not* making eye contact. My husband understands this too and is absolutely ok with it. And there’s a huge difference between not paying attention while on your phone vs active listening while also looking at something other than the person speaking.
OMG, Mickey. I grew up going to youth groups where this type of "coercive intimacy" was the norm, and I've continued to act like it's normal in places like yoga and other types of workshops while feeling increasingly invaded and like I'm some kind of circus animal performing for treats or pats on the head.
you don't owe anyone anything. you're not obligated to share, not ever. and if you're not comfortable, DONT. you're ALWAYS allowed to say "hey, i don't wanna talk about that cuz it's making me uncomfortable"
@@bottomofastairwell It's just wild to me how normalized this is in some of the spaces I frequent, and how long I've taken it as a GOOD thing, despite my sometime discomfort. I'm not a young person...we're talking decades upon decades here.
@@presentfuture7563 and sadly, yoga is a place that has been used by unscrupulous jerks since it was introduced into the US. You are relaxed and open, if it’s done right, and that is a good, but slightly vulnerable place. If they are trying to get in your business? Find another class. They should be telling you to drink water and walk around before you drive. That’s it. ✌️♥️ Don’t quit yoga, tho! It’s great exercise and good for mobility and balance!
Nate and Sutton wonder why fans come up to them and tell them their life stories when the first question they want to ask a friend to get to know them is what they don't want people to know about themselves. WTF? 🤨
If a friend of mine asked me if they were doing anything that bothered me, and #1 up til now, there wasn’t anything, and #2 I had some time on my hands, I’d tell them “asking goofy questions out of nowhere.”
That manufactured closeness absolutely destroyed me in college! On top of coming to terms with the fact that my home life was abusive and neglectful I was sharing way too much of my trauma with people I shouldn't have been forced to trust under the guise of "discipleship" and I got burned pretty badly as a result of it.
Do these people actually have friends? Or are they just going around interviewing random people with these questions? Like seriously you've never had someone be happy for you when you share good news??? That's like baseline human behavior
The "obsess/worry about things of the past" gets to me as someone with PTSD (multiple traumatic things but only diagnosed PTSD). I cant help but do stuff like that as I am still working on it. We cant help but have issues with our pasts. And this forced intimacy is so prevalent in the church. Great video as always Mickey :) Edit: also thank you so much for mentioning autistic people - many of us get sucked in by people like this and I cannot thank you enough for mentioning that!
There's a really grumpy pony at my job who cannot share a pasture with other horses because she can't handly company. I'm pretty sure she has a lot better relationship advice to give than these poor, fake smiling people who clearly don't enjoy each other's company.
The question really should always be "is it causing you problems in your life?" Yes? Then maybe you should seek some help to curb that. No? Go about your questionable web browsing, my friend. You do you.
"If you want to he interestING, be interestED." THANK YOU for pointing this out. Few things are more off-putting than someone who clearly thinks only about themselves and does not listen. Like, yes, I want to know your thoughts and opinions and help experiences, but I also want to share mine. That's how a conversation works.
“What has been the most consuming thought on your mind recently ?” Oh fck yeah, okay so You are given two glass balls in a 100 story building. You have to find out by minimal drops which is the lowest floor at which they would break. How do I prove it mathematically, and then make an algorithm that scales up and down with differently sized buildings ?
The immediate answer would be start ascending from floor 0 and skipping a floor, so by the time the first ball breaks you know immediately what floor is the cut off, but the worst case behavior here would mean 1/2 of whatever tall the building is drops. Let’s call it 1/2n , my best working model so far is using the square root of n or even the cubed root depending on what n is, and then once the first ball breaks, step back sqrt n and start climbing one by one so then the worst case is basically the just sqrt of n, but again we cant prove that that is the best algorithm via standard math proofs. I’ve heard some people try to use tetrahedonic numbers or something but I don’t really get that approach tbh.
I didn't check the name, so at first I thought your continuation was someone else responding to you and now I'm kinda sad that wasn't the case, lol. Would have been pretty cool, 😅🤷♀️
"What's your darkest secret?" "...what, like a murder?" "What's your most consuming thought?" ".........what, like murder?" Literally my first thought is like "are you trying to find out if I've committed some sort of crime?" when I hear those questions lol
25:34 I’m neurodivergent and THANK YOU!!!!!! I often don’t want to be disrespectful or regarded as not listening to someone so I have to actively go over “how to look engage and show I’m listening” in my head and it’s so overwhelming and distracting trying to listen to what someone is saying when I look at their eyes when talking. If I have my head or eyes down, then I can actually focus on listening to them instead of focusing on being perceived to be listening.
I cannot imagine asking a friend "What is your most consuming thought?" Like you said, I'm much more likely to just ask what has been going on in their life. Which is a focus on the present, even though Nate claims people don't talk about the present. And if there is something bothering my friend, I've gotten into the practice of telling them that they are invited to talk to me if they're comfortable, but that I am also happy to help take their mind off of whatever is stressful to them. Because I feel like being supportive means to be someone people CAN talk to, without making them feel obligated. Because sometimes talking about something really difficult is like reliving it, and a person might be in a mindset that prefers distraction. And I think that's fine! Why would god care about cussing? Does Sutton know that language is made up and that swear words are kind of arbitrary and it can even be a little bit classist to be judgy about cussing. (Not slurs. Slurs are different. I'm not talking about language that is intended to hurt someone.)
These are the same people who get all up in arms that "A SiNgLe pErsOn caN'T uSe ThEy bEcASuE iT's nOt GraMmaTiCallY CorReCt!!" Clearly, these people do not understand language.
Gee, instead of interrogating someone I’m close with to tell me their deepest darkest secrets, I’d rather cultivate a relationship where they feel comfortable coming to me if they need help or support
Their videos are always so dead quiet and awkward and the discomfort from both of them just radiates from the screen and I can't handle it I must rebuke it 😂
I don't know what it is, but I just get serious uncanny valley/unsettling vibes listening to them talk... This is the first video of yours that I truly don't feel like I can watch it... I am curious if I'm the only one who feels this way, but there is something that just deeply unsettled me about the way they were talking... Literally sent a chill down my spine...
I’ve struggled with other videos when the vibes are off in a way that nudges my trauma in bad ways. I’m neurospicy and while I can cope with the video with Mickey’s help, the vibes are hellaciously off and I totally get it if they’re activating you negatively!
@@marzanna_ yeah that was my assumption (also traumatized+neurospicy lol) - annoying that I can't even articulate/identify what it is that is setting me off, but yeah it's definitely that little hind brain "run! danger!" alarm...
Maybe it's the mixture of wildly different topics in the same tone, i.e. they give really basic advice like "be in the moment, put your phone away" and then "ask them their deepest darkest secrets" in the same bland tone like there's no difference in those statements?
"You should always leave a conversation knowing more about them than they know about you." My initial response to that was different than yours, because it felt like a weird manipulation and like they were mining for information that they could use later. Then when you started talking about the depth of conversation and knowing others deeply while others don't know you the same way, i had another thought... Maybe grandpa came up with different way of saying "kids should be seen and not heard" or "you have two ears and one mouth for a reason, your supposed to listen twice as much as you speak" or "children shouldn't speak until spoken too" or any of of the other cliché ways adults essentially tell children to shut up. I think its interesting how people can hear the same thing and interpret it entirely differently, and how hearing a different perspective makes you think about things in new ways. I can say from personal experience I've been going through it lately, and I definitely tend to self-isolate when I'm struggling. My brother has noticed and took the time to ask if there's anything I wanted to talk and to make sure I had his # in my phone (i do, but i just got a new phone and he was double checking) and to let me know I could call whenever to talk about anything which in itself was super comforting. If he had asked me what my most consuming thought was lately, i probably would have told him to f off, that's a weird and intrusive question. Also they were like "maybe you can help them through it" like they have the answerers to all of things we all need to follow their advice? I don't even know how to respond to that, how self righteous and condescending.. gross. sorry for the novel in the comments, but this stuff drives me nuts.
I thought about mining information too. It's like they are are protecting themselves by having dirt over someone else... Especially given the examples they used like porn use which is generally considered a shameful act in their circles. I'm pretty curious why deeper information can't include the general well being of someone like their health or something. It's also pretty weird that you would ask someone to tell you things that they don't want you to know
This thought crossed my mind as well, but I have a different take on the "why" for the info mining. Sutton mentioned "accountability buddy" early on in the video in a discrete reference to disclosure about watching porn, but IMO, they could be collecting this info on their friends' (and prospective friends') vulnerabilities to use/exploit later if said friends start down the path of deconstructing from their cultish fundamentalism. Like, "hey, I'm sensing that you're starting to doubt your faith in the Lord. Could it be due to your feelings around (X vulnerability disclosed during an info mining session, ermm, friendly bonding moment)? Fundies generally seem to view deconstructing with a healthy dose of animosity. "Oh noes! Brother Dave will need to be RESAVED!"
Why do they hate their spouses and hate being married? They make marriage sound like a "challenge" from God and its sad. I love just BEING with my husband. Let questions come naturally as they come up.
Paul and Morgan have said things like "Satan hates godly marriages, and he's trying to wreck our marriage" when they're having issues. They DO seem to see marriage as a challenge, and if they're godly enough they will "win" against Satan.
Usually because they quickly realize that marriage isn’t some sort of magical process that will fix their inability to communicate effectively with one another 🤡 they both grow up learning to expect and prioritize different things out of married life, not realizing that just because they both believe in god and are attracted to eachother, doesn’t mean they’re gonna always be on the same page.
I mean this with absolute sincerity: I truly hope Morgan NEVER truly confides in these people about marriage doubts or something similar, because Nate and Sutton ABSOLUTELY are the type of people to go running to Paul and spill the beans, making Morgan’s situation even more unsafe.
I’ve always felt awful for this couple. They always seem so sad and miserable, like they’d rather be anywhere else. I mean, at least with Paul and Morgan, Paul seems to enjoy lecturing people in their videos, but these two, yikes.
That's true. Paul does seem to really love lecturing in his vids, especially when he can talk about how condemned others are for not thinking and living like him. But the level of contempt that shows with him and Morgan can be pretty hard to watch, and no amount of fake smiles and calls for prayer is ever gonna hide that
i don't thin paul even really likes, loves or respects morgan all that much (gotta view woman as actual people who are worthy of love and respect for that, you know?) but he definitely does enjoy himself and getting on his soapbox, hearing himself talk and living in his self righteousness
It took me a while after leaving the church 13 years ago to work out what felt different about my new friendships. It was that they had happened naturally as a result of a mutual sincere liking of each other for who we were. That's it. In the church, ppl were effectively given ppl to be friends with as a result of what home group or prayer group they were in, which church set up rota, or worship band, and I didn't realise it at the time, but they were friendships based on the calibre of your Christianity. So of course they were awkward, and 95% of them didn't last me leaving the church, because they weren't friendships based on who we were, they were sham friendships based on how we related to God. A friendship based on 'accountability' isn't about you, the person, at all, they're about your behaviour. I so enjoy my friendships now that are based in sincerity.
This. I never ever made one real lasting friendship in the church. My true friendships have always come from other circumstances. I wonder if it's a uniquely protestant thing that "we share Christianity in common so we need to be friends" My parents were heavily involved in their church for 30 years and when the shit hit the fan with health battles etc... It was family and my parent's childhood friends who helped. As soon as my parents left a church for another church those friendships ended.
Just wanted to say thank you for being so inclusive! As someone with autism myself, I very much appreciate the inclusivity and you, for example, mentioning that not having eye contact etc is ok. Also, I just watched another one of your videos and you mentioned not being a huge fan of CBT and that you might do a video on it at some point. Would love to watch a video like that. CBT has been utterly useless for me, which is frustrating when it's like the number one treatment being offered (over and over). Maybe you've already made such a video already, I don't know. I'm new to your content so there's a lot I haven't watched yet. Either way, would love to hear your thoughts on CBT!
I’m autistic and I have SUCH a hard time knowing what I should or shouldn’t share about myself, but people outright asking for that info makes me feel so… violated? Idk, I will rarely share information if I’m directly asked for it, and these questions are terrifying to me
I don't think they understand just how telling it is that when they FISRT MET, Nate had zero interest in asking Sutton anything about herself. Even the 'how about you?', means that she was asking ALL the questions, and he was only doing follow-up. That's not the mark of a good listener, or even a good communicator. Assuming you have all the answers, or just not being interested in the answers...I mean, wow. Why would you get married to, or even date, someone you have NO INTEREST IN? Because they're a Christian? That sounds miserable, and I'm not surprised there's so much resentment between them - they've been tied to someone they don't care about/someone who doesn't care about them. It's honestly really sad.
I do like asking some "manufactured" questions but usually ones that I feel like are fun conversation starters; and only with people I'm already friends with. For example: whats your most controversial/wild non-political opinion? Whats your favorite smell? What would be your convenient power? (Like a super power but totally useless at fighting crime but occasionally convenient)
My cousin is GREAT at this. One of my favorites was “if you were opening a restaurant what would you serve?” These lighter questions are great because they get people talking but let people answer on the level they’re comfortable with. “Tacos because I like them” or “allergy friendly because mine make it hard to dine out” or “soup because I have this really vivid childhood memory…”
This is brilliant. I feel like having these types of questions kind of make the conversation a type of game, like playing make-believe, and having them be kind of silly and low-risk questions avoids the weird boundary crossing we see in this video.
I am a conservative Christian and a psychologist and I agree with what you say. This is such thin ice advice. You build up to asking these questions in any relationship, and only if your friend opens the door. To force things in any relationship is the fastest way to get the other to run away from your friendship. The intimacy develops as the relationship grows and it will happen organically. And in some friendships you will never reach this level of intimacy, that’s just the nature of different kinds of friendships. And then some of these questions are just downright awkward.
Asking someone how their walk with God is going feels very invasive and judgy to me. Especially from this couple. I think if I asked a friend about their religious journey, I could do so without them worrying about being judged, and it could be open. This is because I don't care what religious choices they make for themselves. But in many Christian circles like these two are in, there is only one right answer, but admitting you're doing well could be seen as prideful, so you have to sound like you're having the socially acceptable amount of struggles, while not lying. Heaven help you if you have serious questions about whether this version of Christianity is true! They might start pushing really hard to get you to accept their version.
thank you! I genuinely cringed when they brought up that question. I was taught that your relationship with God is your own, it's one on one. So asking a friend for info on YOUR relationship with God feels so incredibly invasive. (Like, talk to a pastor I am begging)
This is cult-minded, control-oriented questioning. I recognize it from growing up in religious fundamentalism myself and this feeling that you’re always being watched with a microscope, if not by God, than by your friends and family. Even the question, “how has your relationship with God been?” Is one with an objective of control and judgement behind it, rather than genuine interest.
These methods of asking your partner 136 questions to determine if he’s right for you feels like those insane Coronet instructional films from the 1950s on how to live your life.
"you should always leave a conversation knowing more about the other person than they knkw about you" what even IS that?! thats the weirdest thing ive ever heard. is this a thing!? wtf?
My friend can't stand or sit still while talking so she paces and at first I thought she was feeling rushed out then I realized she just needs to move so now i give her space to do that.
7:00 ... yes, it kinda is?... like... "hi, let's make our first date into a competition of who tells the other less about themselves"? this is such a strange advice. like, what if both of you take this advice? I really wouldn't wanna be on that kind of date, it sounds boring and awkward af.
I wouldn't want Nate to know one single thing about me. He has cold eyes and too many teeth. Nate's most consuming thought is probably sex. What is wrong with saying "Something like that happened to me"? I thought that was a way to affirm the other person's experience and show you relate to it.
There’s nothing wrong with his Shirts, muscles or teeth… You’re just trashing him 😂 However, I agree that he seems inauthentic and that’s why is completely unappealing…
I feel like a guy I know from my university has taken their advice (similar advice at least) Every talk with him gets weirdly emotionally invasive very quickly, full of #deep questions or statements. It absolutely makes me avoid him.
As someone who was born and raised in this evangelical world, I think these weird forced questions is an attempt to make up for extreme emotional illiteracy and lack of empathy in these adults that were raised with toxic shame and a belief that everyone is born evil on the inside. That’s exactly how I used to feel. When you don’t accept your own self you don’t know how to naturally interact with people so you feel like you need a plan to force intimacy.
I wonder if they (Nate and Sutton, Paul and Morgan, Classically Abby, Girl Defined... the list goes on) realise how miserable they make marriage sound?
Considering that they make a lot of the things they talk about sound miserable, I’m going to guess that they don’t realize at all
Well when youre depressed all the time, you dont notice
- Reverend Putty
I could easily get any of those you mentioned confused as members of that one Christian sect that believes life is meant to be miserable and the more you suffer the more heavenly rewards you'll accrue (i swear this is a real sect of Christianity that genuinely believes this, the name just escapes me atm)
@elleofhearts8471 There's quite a few more than one. It's an idea that's boiled into a lot of religion in general, not just Christianity. But, I know for a fact that all the polygamous offshoots or Mormonism believe it for the women, as well as JWs.
It's like they don't realize they're telling on themselves.
Right? Classically Abby's latest videos indicate real marriage trouble. She said in one of them that "marriage isn't about love, it's about duty." Like, girl, what kinda marriage are you in?
As a survivor of intimate partner abuse, I recognize many of these questions as things my ex would use to collect emotional ammo or to manipulate. Anyone interrogating me like this would be blocked. Red flag city.
That's what I was thinking, too. Telling someone your deepest secret unprovoked only to ask for theirs is so manipulative, especially since a porn confession isn't even that big of a deal.
exactly my first thought!! asking someone for their deepest secret sure seems like you would use that later to manipulate them. terrible advice but what else did we expect from nate and sutton
I think in one of Brene Brown’s books, she refers to this type of vulnerability as “hot wiring connection” and does not have good things to say about it
@@MsBirga very that. it would also make me wildly uncomfortable as someone who's "deepest secrets" are really just deep seated trauma crap, you know? nope, don't give me the space to build trust or time to actually feel comfortable being vulnerable, just yank that shit right outta me with no regard for my comfort level. that's not sus and crappy at all!
same... its definitely an interrogation. To collect more information about them than you're giving them.. step 1; manufacture vulnerability.. 2. angle the discussion around their pinch points - you will need these for later... 3. suggest you're now accountabilibuddies to foster dependence and reduce your targets guard.
The only part of this whole thing that lightened the mood was when he interrupted her to say "or confession"; and the tone she took when she said "yea..." like, she was so irritated. AND THEN she said perhaps you could confess to your secret porn addiction. It felt really pointed...
I don't know if ill ever use these tactics to win friends and influence people into a position of submission, but i do feel like i left this video knowing a bit more about Nate than he knows about me :)
“Forced and coerced vulnerability”… literally this is how it felt when we would break into small groups at church and talk. It just felt so forced, uncomfortable, and fake.
ooo i felt that way too, there’s some big truth there
Yeah. Like, if I don't already talk to you about that, why would I tell you now?
god this is so real. church flashbacks lol
Imagine being at the beach or getting a coffee, trying to have a normal day and these two idiots approach you and go "Hey, I'm gonna tell you my deepest darkest secret: I can't stop watching porn... Now tit for tat, you tell me your deepest darkest secret"
No consent, no boundries...
Oh my god, what the fuck. Like jfc I don't want to know that shit you and no, you don't get to know something I don't want you to know about me, what a weird and invasive thing to ask people
Lmao, just tell them about all the porn you watch and make them uncomfortable in return :D
Love how they think they're these smooth listeners with deep questions. I bet most people think they're weird and creepy.
Yeah that’s so creepy 😂 that’s what I was saying to someone in the comments above about self injury it’s just so weird normal people don’t go around harassing others to 😂 and the religious people do it a lot. Just went to planned parenthood to get a dr note and they harassed me and my boyfriend about 40 people out there 😂
@@Kick0a0catI do this naturally without being prompted :D
If I was talking to a person and they asked me "what is one thing you wouldn't want me to know about you?" that would be the last conversation I'd ever have with that person.
Something like, "Well, I really hate sudden and invasive personal questions. Also, I'm leaving the country, so goodbye forever."
People ask everything about you but never say anything about themselves.
Sutton's dad's advice would explain why she didn't run from the very red flag that was Nate not asking any questions about her on their first date.
As someone with ocd, watching these people talk about things like "consuming thoughts" and "confessions" like they're easy breezy conversation topics is so frustrating. Confessions as a way to build intimacy hits particularly close to home, and i hate the idea of people building compulsions like that after watching content like N&S.
Religion can be risky for OCD when it encourages compulsions in response to intrusive thoughts.
@LouisaWatt It’s not just risky, it’s downright toxic. You’re shamed for being neurodivergent and you’re “letting the devil win” mentality, is the way they treat us. You’re told to “fix yourself” with prayer. I can confirm it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, I have a ton of religious abuse to work through because of what these Bible thumpers believe and push onto us.
This kind of mindset leads to artificial intimacy. I had many conversations like this in Bible college with people I literally haven't talked to since graduation. I do have friends I still talk to but our relationships evolved naturally because we vibed.
But so many times in evangelical communities I've found that the "intimacy" and "connection" was totally fleeting and I was out of sight out of mind as soon as I moved away.
Real connection and intimacy involves caring enough to stay in touch. You can't create that by over disclosure and prying.
I totally get that I have generalized anxiety and it’s not always simple to talk about especially because sometimes things things I’m thinking about may feel irrational to others so I’m nervous they’re going to judge me even though if they’re in my life they shouldn’t be it’s just my anxiety telling me .
Oh my gosh YES. Exactly. And if you try to explain your intrusive thoughts aren’t going away, they’ll just tell you to pray harder or more or better or something
I have spent so long trying to unlearn trauma dumping on people, to find where boundaries are so i don't accidentally make people feel uncomfortable/overwhelmed/upset with my attempts to share/bond. And the advice from Nate and Sutton seems to be "No, do it MORE!" Just awful.
Oh my god same. I feel so embarrassed about stuff I’ve told ppl in the past!! I finally understand how to keep myself & other ppl “safe” during convos. These 2 idiots are actively trying to behave the unhealthy way. Really wreaks of abuse yknow.
I'm a big oversharer, so I really feel this one!
@@angiep2229 totally get it. one thing i found that helped was if i shared something intense, i'd pause a moment to just ask if that's okay, cuz i don't wanna make the person uncomfortable. and then based on their reaction, i can kinda know whether it's okay to proceed and keep talking about it or whether i'm in oversharing territory and need to zip it.
cuz you can usually tell whether it's an uncomfortable and insincere "oh no, that's fine" or if it's real and they're like, "no, it's okay, you're not making me uncomfortable, don't worry"
@@indigoigloo This is really hard to learn if you are on the spectrum, like me. I have looked up to this face 😮 once or twice. Mask slip😂. I had no idea why either because I did not find out about the autism until just recently.
Wreak=causing harm btw-which also fits with this but not your sentence-reek=smells strongly, which is the word that fits. Common error, but my English major part is yelling at me to tell you!✌️♥️
@@justkiddin84 I appreciate your deep English knowledge thank you lol. I hear you that it can be hard to know when you’re oversharing - but it’s worth learning so that you can protect yourself from nasty people. Don’t wait to learn the hard way!
Why does she perpetually look like she is *just* about to cry? Is she ok??
No, she is not.
right??? she reminds me of morgan, always looking so sad. What a shame
I came here to say this! It makes me really uncomfy. The poor woman either needs to get away from her husband, or she needs some botox to relax the corners of her mouth. Yeesh...
I think a lot of it is the way her eyebrows tilt upwards slightly at the inside corners; it creates a permanently worried expression.
I’m hoping she just has allergies like me and is holding up those tears
So manipulative. “I’m going to win at asking more questions and learning more about them and not letting them know more about me. I’m so caring. I win at caring.”
Also, both of them lock their eyes with a camera in a very disturbing way. Are they being held hostage?
They are being held hostage by an unhealthy upbringing in basically a cult. And that cult taught them to think like your first sentence, so that they have ammo to pull the person into their messed up belief system! It’s nasty.✌️♥️ (IMO)
Lol 😂 omg I just realized my ex Christian friend would do that she’s still a Christian abut she would never share anything personal with me and she is a counselor. Very strange person it goes both ways even my boyfriend tells me stuff no one else really knows. Just seems fake when someone is always the listener and doesn’t share things about them
I’m a devout Christian and it’s a real thing. I’m super wary of other Christians who do not divulge anything personal ever. It should be equal, not one sided. It becomes a way to assert superiority and it’s definitely manufactured religiosity. It can be hard to pick up on but it always feels wrong and bad.
Oooh, the *child abusers* have relationship advice? This I must hear!
I can’t bring myself to watch that one
Every time I go out for food and I see kids, I think of this asshole punishing his children for being children
what happened?! i do not remember this
@@mabelfrench00 Mickey did a video addressing it
Sutton looks like she is about to cry😢
'People never talk about their obsessions in the present' ah I see they've never had a mutual infodumping session with a friend, that's a shame
Too bad for them! 😆 Mutual info dumping about our favorite things is one of my favorite ways to get to know someone
Literally one of my favorite things to do with a friend is to listen to them talk about fighting games, French films, or whatever they’re in atm and then tell them all about supernatural creatures
Just like their Internet besties, Porgan, I really get the impression that this married couple can't stand each other.
It's always so uncomfortable 😫
I get the impression that he doesn't like her very much but chose her because she is submissive. It feels like he is much more of a dictator in this relationship than Paul is with Morgan.
@@morgianasartre6709oh yes he choose Sutton because she's rail thin, a virgin and she does what he says. 100%
@@morgianasartre6709when he saw sutton on tinder he wondered if she was still a virgin because he would only accept a virgin 🤮 like imagine the trauma you would get from this man expecting you to be so submissive
@@Lja77613 I mean, they are both involved christians so wanting to marry a virgin is not exactly new or surprising. Do we know if he at least was a virgin himself?
I'm simply stunned to learn that Nate was the type of person to not ask questions on a first date.
😂
Was looking for this! 😂
He didn’t need to the church makes it very clear , he is the man the only interesting one
He probably asked the other girl he was dating simultaneously, these questions first. So when he got to his date with Sutton he was too tired to ask her. 😂😂
Really, that seems to be standard ops for a lot of men
I trust the advice of my recently deceased cat over these two 🤦♂️
Lmaoooo 😂😂😂😂💀💀💀
Hah that's a new one
😂😂😂😂
Me, too!
Without a doubt!
Nate and Sutton framed it in a weird and uncomfortable way, but I do like a similar question to their "Is there anything that's been on your mind lately?" The version I like is "Is there anything that you have been really interested in lately?" It usually leads to us talking about their favorite hobby, something they're learning, etc. 🤔 The way they took the question was way more invasive... 😧
I love hearing about people’s niche interests. I’m in grad school and my cohort has weekly “research chats” where we meet up for coffee and just talk about what we’re researching at the moment, what topics we’re curious about, etc. It’s a lot of fun.
I’m in my 30s and I’ve had the same BFF since I was 5 and I would NEVER ask them “what is something you don’t want me to know about you?” Because you know what, if they want me to know, they will TELL ME. We’ve been best friends for over two decades and I respect that that doesn’t mean I have the right to know everything, and I’m not always the right person to know some things, that’s for my friend to decide.
This is such a wonderful comment! Couldn't agree more 👏
Them: "I noticed you cuss a lot and that is damaging your relationship with god." Me: "Fuck, really? Well shit. I never fucking realized that. Oh damn, how fucking embarrassing. I'm gonna try super fucking hard not to cuss anymore. I swear to fucking god!"
😂😂😂😂
😂😂
Add a "fucking Jesus' balls in Hell" just for shits and giggles
fuck, same though.
Considering how often these people are the type to walk up to random people to talk about Jesus and they'll say "God told me to talk to you", I'd just say "nah, it's good. I asked and the Lord told me it's gucci" and just keep going about my day.
This weirdly mechanical and systematic line of questioning and approach to "relationship building" is the kind of thing someone whose chasing the end result of a close relationship rather than someone whose interested in nurturing a relationship by appreciating an individual as they are, honoring their boundaries, and building a sense of comfort by letting barriers unfold naturally.
Someone who is going through the motions of life instead of actually living it.
very that. gives the same vibe as people who post on socials about how AMAZING their relationship is. They like the IMAGE of the relationship and the idea of it, but don't actually give a damn about the person or the relationship itself, only the optics of it.
i wish to build a sense of intimacy with you, not by doing the things to achieve real intimacy like building trust or caring about your partner, where intimacy is the natural end result, but by fast tracking it and gaming the system. shit is just a means to an end with them, and honestly, doing things that way gives off very manipulative, controlling tiptoeing into abusive vibes
The thing to remember is that, in Christian dating, the idea is to objectively find out whether the other person is a good marriage match, BEFORE you develop any sort of actual romantic feelings for them...like literally, you aren't supposed to fall in love until you're engaged in some circles. I've seen Christian dating advice variously say a couple should date for 3-6 months before getting engaged, or that there should never be more than 18 months between first date and wedding...the idea is to absolutely minimize any chance of premarital sex. But as an approach to dating, it is really unnatural. Maybe this is why despite being a Christian, I always end up with the deconstructed agnostic guys...idk. Hope that offers some insight into this. I am an Autistic psychology nerd who has spent a lot of time in evangelical circles, I live for this kind of hyperanalysis lol
“Chasing the end result of a close relationship” sums up exactly what I was thinking. As a former fundie myself, I can see how this really applies to dating because you’re “dating with the intent of marriage” instead of dating to learn what you want in partnership or if you even desire partnership at all
@@recklessmermaid yeah, i feel like there's a reason all these fundie couples seem so unhappy in their marriages, and it's exactly that. cuz they're dating with the intent of marriage, instead of dating to see whether or not they're compatible long term, or whether or not they truly even like each other as people
The thing about "confessing your sins" to someone to deepen your relationship... I would never do with someone I have a casual relationship with. That kind of confidence is reserved for only a few people in life. You need to know the person you're confiding in is responsible enough to handle your sensitive information with care.
Even priests have you both hide in separate cupboards.
I can't stop looking at Suttin's facial expressions throughout this video. She looks so disengaged, almost like she doesn't believe the advice she and Nate are trying to preach. I doubt that she and Nate have even asked these questions to each other.
And Nate is talking like if his teeth ever stop showing someone will hit him with a cricket bat.
Sutton has the aura of a dog that is kicked regularly. Wonder why that might be....
I thought she was crying in the first frame
She looks at him with such distrust. I am just waiting for their dirty laundry to get aired.
Same Suttin looked like she was so uncomfortable during this whole video
They really said "we don't know why people love to tell us personal things" and then their advice was "start off by confessing your sins and then ask them invasive personal questions". Like what.
My dad used to refuse to go to church group meetings because he was always worried someone was going to ask him to share 'the worst thing he's ever done'. Didn't realize at the time how spot on he was.
This advice sounds exactly like what I experienced in a small Southern Baptist church with a small group. We were encouraged to tell the group things we were struggling with and get really vulnerable with the pastor and his wife. This super mechanical way of getting too close and vulnerable too fast was looked at as righteous and God-honoring. And our every word was examined with a microscope and often corrected or twisted out of context. When I didn't feel safe getting vulnerable anymore, I was looked at with suspicion and disappointment. It was suuuuper unhealthy.
Woah. The part about interview style questions and being neurodivergent--what a great way to get a very earnest person reveal all their vulnerabilities to a control freak/manipulator.
It's me, I'm the earnest person! Hearing this behavior called out is super validating for me
it feels SO manipulative, like you're just collecting data to use as ammunition later
OH YES. I am Autistic and I have had this done to me, both in Christian circles and just out there in the secular world, A LOT. Sadly, has kind of made me distrust church folks...and, well, just about everyone :(
@@maryannvalerio9869relatable
As someone who is autistic and like rarely makes eye contact with even my own family, I really hate when people talk about eye contact like it's the most important thing in the world. I literally get soooo uncomfortable making eye contact and I just can't do it 😭. And I'm always worried people think I'm a jerk because of this type of sentiment! But like I just can't do it 😅... So I appreciate whenever anyone pushes back on that because it shouldn't be that big of a deal! Imo at least lol😂
Same here. On top of that, i had a relative that forced eye contect with them as an abusive tactic. Basically, me not being able to make eye contact meant that I was lying and "deserved" to be hit
@@mediathenetrunner1674 omg, that's awful! I'm so sorry that happened to you...😥
@@mediathenetrunner1674 same. my mother would scream at me to "look at her." like lady, i'm not staring at the floor because i'm not paying attention. i'm staring at the spot on the tile in a desperate attempt to maintain my composure, cuz you'll only punish me worse for "turning on the waterworks"
i hate when people force eye contact to know you're "really paying attention". like you know that my ears still work even if my eyeballs aren't painted at you right?
\
and further, if you actually give a damn about my comfort level, the LAST thing you're gonna make me do is look you in the eye
Honestly I can truely attest to that!! When I was in elementary and middle school I remember by social skills group leader would be upset when I don’t make eye contact with her or other people in the group. Not only that but my mom and 6th teacher would often harass me when I don’t make eye contact with them or when my mom observed that I didn’t eye contact with other people that I make conversation with. Even now when I’m interviewing for jobs post college that is something I’m still struggling with and idk why people expect that out of us. Like I understand it represents politeness but I don’t think people should take it as someone being rude
@@jt03336 yes absolutely! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, it's awful! I completely agree with you as well!
As someone who is autistic and ADHD, I felt uncomfortable from the beginning of Nate and Sutton's video. I literally felt my guard go up immediately, and I hate forced intimacy. Also, I have recently realized that my high masking has caused me to struggle with setting boundaries, but, in this case, my brain was like, "boundary...boundary...boundary...BOUNDARY!!!!"
idk if it's a cultural difference or a neurodivergence thing, but their demeanor is really offputting to me. just waaay too much direct eye contact and teeth or something, it feels almost aggressive lol. so i can only imagine getting an interrogation from them
@@2121bassplayer I'm not willing to consent to that. 😀
Same. They've got a vibe that makes all my alarms go off.
It's always strange to me when people brag about how empathetic they are and people tell them everything and then proceed to make fun of those people.
I'm sure some people don't have the best boundaries, but just the juxtaposition of that is so strange. And I just feel bad for anyone who did talk to them and felt some kind of connection and see this in a video and wonder if they turned around and made fun of them right after. Hopefully they find someone better to follow though ❤
This is such a good point.
I don't even believe random people find them so approachable that they're willing to divulge deep dark, intimate information about themsleves to either in this pair. They have an uncanny vibe about them. A mannequin thats been left in the microwave for too long is more approachable than these two combined.
It's a classic trading other people's info/drama to hot wire a false sense of connection instead of being authentic. It can feel pretty addictive to share drama and it's sometimes the only way some people know how to feel connection with others. I didn't realize this was not a healthy and normal way to connect until 2012 when learned about Brene Brown's BRAVING framework, and that it's considered a vault violation.
As a person who has had this (people telling me their "secrets" when I first meet them) happen to them a lot, and as an autistic person where honesty and trust are naturally approached differently.... Usually the folks who share deep quick are either autistic or have porous/very few boundaries and/or do not know how to protect/respect/enforce their own boundaries.
From my experience with autistic people, it's not shitty boundaries - it's that we have a tendency to value honesty, authenticity, directness, autonomy, and courage over social status or expectation or power. Small talk and superficial talk usually serves the function of navigating hierarchy, power, and signaling solidarity via indirect communication (word choice, vocal prosody, body language, etc). Since that process is pretty useless and downright exhausting and/or impossible for a lot of us, a lot of us would rather skip it and risk rejection pretty immediately, in part, because it's unsustainable for us to do things the allistic way.
It's pretty gross, I agree. I've said to all my friends and family at some point, "I'm the graveyard where your secrets go to die." I've heard a LOT of shit from a LOT of people over the decades, and all that stuff is locked away with those secrets being the only things I take with me when I shuffle this mortal coil. What's funny, though, is that I don't trust a single one of those MF'ers with my dark secrets. So while I absorb all their junk, my stuff is put on the shelf right next to them. My therapist is the only person I trust; probably because a subconscious part of me knows they've got training in how to properly deal with what I say and won't throw me under the bus the second they get the chance. I, uh, have pretty serious trust issues. Clearly. I'm working on them but...well, I bet a lot of people here know exactly how I feel.
Yep. Shane Dawson goes around saying he is an empath. He is a self confessed predator.
The way they are staring into my soul the entire video also feels like weirdly forcing intimacy on me and it triggers my fight or flight oh my god
It feels like weaponized positivity, like "look how well we're getting along isn't this wonderful???"
Sutton always looks like she's on the verge of tears
I always think she looks like she’s so unhappy, the longer I’ve seen their content the more scared I am for her.
@@Lja77613and why do you think your bitter opinion is interesting here?
@@katrinam6795 Oh, I didn’t realize we were only sharing sweet opinions. Next time I’ll bring the sugar 🙌
@@Lja77613It's not that it's bitter that's the issue. It's that you are low key saying that someone who looks like they could be in an abusive relationship (whether they realize it or not) that they asked for that treatment and so you have no pity for them. Which is a type of victim blaming. It's that your comments show a nasty attitude that should never be your reaction. Look, I may not agree with their opinions, but never do I look at someone who is showing signs of genuine dysfunction and possible abuse in their relationship and go "you married that so you knew what you were getting. I don't feel bad for you because you must have wanted that." I can separate my distaste for their opinions from their possible status as a victim. If they were to come out tomorrow saying their partners were abusive, I would not go "well you married that so tough cookies. I don't have pity to spare for you because you married him and you spread nasty beliefs." I'd still go "you do not deserve that treatment. I am sorry that your partner is that way. Let's get you out."
To be quite blunt: you are doing the same toxic bs they are but targeting Christianity instead. That's no better. It's equally hypocritical from you as from them.
@@AppleStrawberryLove yeah you are right
It's giving the fuckboy that immediately crosses all your boundaries and thinks he really understands you
Yup...it's giving disrespect
I’m sewing drawstring bags for christmas gifts this morning and I’m happy to have your company! I hope recovery from surgery is going well :)
🥰🥰🥰 how sweet 🥰🥰🥰
What a kind comment!
I have a coworker who is great at asking questions. He will ask questions like “what’s your favorite sea creature?” Or “have you ever eaten spaghetti?” Or “what do you think would be the currency in an end-of-the-world scenario”
It’s truly chaotic and fun and I approve.
I snorted when they suggested telling your friend about watching porn. Wtf!? What a wild thing to even consider. Why was that their first example?
All these fundie couples speak quite a lot about porn and porn addiction for some reason.
But why did I guess that that was the example they'd give 😂
@@morgianasartre6709 Forbidding a fruit makes it taste SO much sweeter
I think it was an accidentally-real confessions from Sutton. She looks like a porn-dog.
B/C in Evangelical circles, watching porn is one of the worst things you can do. Like, it is considered as bad as adultery (and for some reason, called out a lot more than actual adultery, which is quite frankly beyond me). In Christian circles, friends are supposed to be people who hold you accountable to doing the right moral thing, NOT people who will accept you unconditionally no matter what. That is the big difference between Christian friendship and secular friendship...so, yes, you are expected to confess your dirty laundry to your friends, because that's how you get held accountable and stop watching porn. Sounds really unhealthy...but I mean, on the positive side, confession is a big (and good in most cases) part of Christian doctrine, the idea that we can be forgiven by sharing with others and find that support, and I think it checks out with secular common sense in some cases...but yeah, the Evangelical Christian world sometimes does take it to an extreme that can be kinda unhealthy. I'm an Autistic psychology nerd who spent a lot of my young adulthood in the conservative evangelical world, I live for this kind of hyperanalysis. Hope it helps you to understand.
As a Christian I would just like to say thank you so much for pointing out that we’re not all like this ❤ I can’t stand when these fundies give us all a bad rep
Same. It hurts my heart how much harm fundies have done when my belief in Christ is all about love
My favorite thing to do with people like this is say stuff that makes them really uncomfortable.
😅
That’s messed up though… not liking someone is normal but trying to purposefully make them feel bad themselves isn’t ok at all…
@@dreamchaser7603 it's not about liking or disliking somone. If you ask me an invasive question and try to feing closeness with me, I will give you an answer. Usually one that reviews around a heavy topic people don't want to tall about without the anominity of the internet. I don't insult anyone by their appearance or their behavior or religion. I simply make them consider asking these kinds of questions again.
@@skelley4081completely reasonable imo! Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer too.. there was one time someone asked something like "what's your most painful memory?" and I just went "probably when I was brutally r*ped at 15" the silence was.. tangible
“What’s consuming your thoughts” I feel like that’s just a more invasive way to ask “what’s your Roman Empire”
Re: the phone thing. She literally says I hate when you look at your phone when I’m talking to you. And he deflects the crap out of it! “Well you know sometimes there’s a phone call or a text you have to reply to” is there? Is he incapable of saying “ babe hang on a second I have to take this asap” or does he just go “ uhuh I’m listening” * stares at phone *. Me thinks it’s the second
I hate when my husband looks at his phone while I'm talking to him.
When you said that even people who struggle socially shouldn’t constantly feel like they are pining for affection from their friends /partners that really resonated with me. As a recovering people pleaser, I think for a long time I thought that dynamic was normal, I thought that I simply wasn’t being a good friend. I have since been cutting out toxic people from my life and have been amazed not only how peaceful my life has become, but like you said I can actually talk to people and form connections without it having to be this weird chasing dynamic and it actually does come naturally without me having to force things. I think that’s really important for people who never had a solid understanding of healthy friendships to hear that. 🙌🏻
This feels like a test for their friends. I felt like they were secretly trying to tell the people in their own lives how they would like them to act or what they would like to be asked.
25:07 YES absolutely I agree with you about eye contact. I’m neurodivergent and able to have the most open, honest, vulnerable, *safe* conversations with my husband when I’m *not* making eye contact. My husband understands this too and is absolutely ok with it. And there’s a huge difference between not paying attention while on your phone vs active listening while also looking at something other than the person speaking.
OMG, Mickey. I grew up going to youth groups where this type of "coercive intimacy" was the norm, and I've continued to act like it's normal in places like yoga and other types of workshops while feeling increasingly invaded and like I'm some kind of circus animal performing for treats or pats on the head.
you don't owe anyone anything. you're not obligated to share, not ever. and if you're not comfortable, DONT. you're ALWAYS allowed to say "hey, i don't wanna talk about that cuz it's making me uncomfortable"
@@bottomofastairwell It's just wild to me how normalized this is in some of the spaces I frequent, and how long I've taken it as a GOOD thing, despite my sometime discomfort. I'm not a young person...we're talking decades upon decades here.
@@presentfuture7563 and sadly, yoga is a place that has been used by unscrupulous jerks since it was introduced into the US. You are relaxed and open, if it’s done right, and that is a good, but slightly vulnerable place. If they are trying to get in your business? Find another class. They should be telling you to drink water and walk around before you drive. That’s it. ✌️♥️ Don’t quit yoga, tho! It’s great exercise and good for mobility and balance!
@@presentfuture7563 jeez. that's a long ass time. but hey, it's never too late to learn new things and find healing
Nate and Sutton wonder why fans come up to them and tell them their life stories when the first question they want to ask a friend to get to know them is what they don't want people to know about themselves. WTF? 🤨
If my friend asked me how my walk with God was going, I'd do that F.A.S.T. test on her to see if she was having a stroke 😂
😂😂😂
That used to be all my friends wanted to talk about. Then I got out of the fundie bubble and found actual friends. 🎉
If a friend of mine asked me if they were doing anything that bothered me, and #1 up til now, there wasn’t anything, and #2 I had some time on my hands, I’d tell them “asking goofy questions out of nowhere.”
That manufactured closeness absolutely destroyed me in college! On top of coming to terms with the fact that my home life was abusive and neglectful I was sharing way too much of my trauma with people I shouldn't have been forced to trust under the guise of "discipleship" and I got burned pretty badly as a result of it.
Do these people actually have friends? Or are they just going around interviewing random people with these questions? Like seriously you've never had someone be happy for you when you share good news??? That's like baseline human behavior
😂
The "obsess/worry about things of the past" gets to me as someone with PTSD (multiple traumatic things but only diagnosed PTSD). I cant help but do stuff like that as I am still working on it. We cant help but have issues with our pasts. And this forced intimacy is so prevalent in the church. Great video as always Mickey :)
Edit: also thank you so much for mentioning autistic people - many of us get sucked in by people like this and I cannot thank you enough for mentioning that!
Sutton looks like she’s terrified 99.9% of the time. Her eyes don’t match her smile and it’s hard to watch for some reason.
There's a really grumpy pony at my job who cannot share a pasture with other horses because she can't handly company. I'm pretty sure she has a lot better relationship advice to give than these poor, fake smiling people who clearly don't enjoy each other's company.
If I said to one of my friends, “I can’t stop watching porn,” they’d be like, “Oh, do you feel like that’s a problem? No? Cool, what kind?”
Seems like a normal reply to me! 😂
The question really should always be "is it causing you problems in your life?"
Yes? Then maybe you should seek some help to curb that.
No? Go about your questionable web browsing, my friend. You do you.
i just love how their examples of "bad friends" are those who cuss or drink a little too much.
"If you want to he interestING, be interestED." THANK YOU for pointing this out. Few things are more off-putting than someone who clearly thinks only about themselves and does not listen. Like, yes, I want to know your thoughts and opinions and help experiences, but I also want to share mine. That's how a conversation works.
“Idk why people tell us such personal things” but also “what is your deepest darkest secret?”
“What has been the most consuming thought on your mind recently ?”
Oh fck yeah, okay so You are given two glass balls in a 100 story building. You have to find out by minimal drops which is the lowest floor at which they would break. How do I prove it mathematically, and then make an algorithm that scales up and down with differently sized buildings ?
The immediate answer would be start ascending from floor 0 and skipping a floor, so by the time the first ball breaks you know immediately what floor is the cut off, but the worst case behavior here would mean 1/2 of whatever tall the building is drops. Let’s call it 1/2n , my best working model so far is using the square root of n or even the cubed root depending on what n is, and then once the first ball breaks, step back sqrt n and start climbing one by one so then the worst case is basically the just sqrt of n, but again we cant prove that that is the best algorithm via standard math proofs. I’ve heard some people try to use tetrahedonic numbers or something but I don’t really get that approach tbh.
Wait where are you two going ?
I didn't check the name, so at first I thought your continuation was someone else responding to you and now I'm kinda sad that wasn't the case, lol. Would have been pretty cool, 😅🤷♀️
@@liabowden8526 I have a lot of practice doing both parts of the hyper niche nerd conversation 🥲🤣
"What's your darkest secret?"
"...what, like a murder?"
"What's your most consuming thought?"
".........what, like murder?"
Literally my first thought is like "are you trying to find out if I've committed some sort of crime?" when I hear those questions lol
25:34 I’m neurodivergent and THANK YOU!!!!!! I often don’t want to be disrespectful or regarded as not listening to someone so I have to actively go over “how to look engage and show I’m listening” in my head and it’s so overwhelming and distracting trying to listen to what someone is saying when I look at their eyes when talking. If I have my head or eyes down, then I can actually focus on listening to them instead of focusing on being perceived to be listening.
I cannot imagine asking a friend "What is your most consuming thought?" Like you said, I'm much more likely to just ask what has been going on in their life. Which is a focus on the present, even though Nate claims people don't talk about the present. And if there is something bothering my friend, I've gotten into the practice of telling them that they are invited to talk to me if they're comfortable, but that I am also happy to help take their mind off of whatever is stressful to them. Because I feel like being supportive means to be someone people CAN talk to, without making them feel obligated. Because sometimes talking about something really difficult is like reliving it, and a person might be in a mindset that prefers distraction. And I think that's fine!
Why would god care about cussing? Does Sutton know that language is made up and that swear words are kind of arbitrary and it can even be a little bit classist to be judgy about cussing. (Not slurs. Slurs are different. I'm not talking about language that is intended to hurt someone.)
These are the same people who get all up in arms that "A SiNgLe pErsOn caN'T uSe ThEy bEcASuE iT's nOt GraMmaTiCallY CorReCt!!"
Clearly, these people do not understand language.
Sending good recovery vibes! We appreciate you and want you to take care of yourself first💙💙
Wait, how does swearing hurt someone's relationship with God? And why would your friend know your relationship to the divine better than you?
Gee, instead of interrogating someone I’m close with to tell me their deepest darkest secrets, I’d rather cultivate a relationship where they feel comfortable coming to me if they need help or support
Their videos are always so dead quiet and awkward and the discomfort from both of them just radiates from the screen and I can't handle it I must rebuke it 😂
13:29 Made me think of emotionally immature parent-child relationships. Read Lindsay Gibson's book after Mickey talked about it. Recommend!
This book helped me so much too
I don't know what it is, but I just get serious uncanny valley/unsettling vibes listening to them talk... This is the first video of yours that I truly don't feel like I can watch it... I am curious if I'm the only one who feels this way, but there is something that just deeply unsettled me about the way they were talking... Literally sent a chill down my spine...
I’ve struggled with other videos when the vibes are off in a way that nudges my trauma in bad ways. I’m neurospicy and while I can cope with the video with Mickey’s help, the vibes are hellaciously off and I totally get it if they’re activating you negatively!
@@marzanna_ yeah that was my assumption (also traumatized+neurospicy lol) - annoying that I can't even articulate/identify what it is that is setting me off, but yeah it's definitely that little hind brain "run! danger!" alarm...
Maybe it's the mixture of wildly different topics in the same tone, i.e. they give really basic advice like "be in the moment, put your phone away" and then "ask them their deepest darkest secrets" in the same bland tone like there's no difference in those statements?
Sutton always looks like she's about to terror cry. Like dear gods, get out!
"You should always leave a conversation knowing more about them than they know about you." My initial response to that was different than yours, because it felt like a weird manipulation and like they were mining for information that they could use later. Then when you started talking about the depth of conversation and knowing others deeply while others don't know you the same way, i had another thought... Maybe grandpa came up with different way of saying "kids should be seen and not heard" or "you have two ears and one mouth for a reason, your supposed to listen twice as much as you speak" or "children shouldn't speak until spoken too" or any of of the other cliché ways adults essentially tell children to shut up. I think its interesting how people can hear the same thing and interpret it entirely differently, and how hearing a different perspective makes you think about things in new ways.
I can say from personal experience I've been going through it lately, and I definitely tend to self-isolate when I'm struggling. My brother has noticed and took the time to ask if there's anything I wanted to talk and to make sure I had his # in my phone (i do, but i just got a new phone and he was double checking) and to let me know I could call whenever to talk about anything which in itself was super comforting. If he had asked me what my most consuming thought was lately, i probably would have told him to f off, that's a weird and intrusive question. Also they were like "maybe you can help them through it" like they have the answerers to all of things we all need to follow their advice? I don't even know how to respond to that, how self righteous and condescending.. gross.
sorry for the novel in the comments, but this stuff drives me nuts.
I thought about mining information too. It's like they are are protecting themselves by having dirt over someone else... Especially given the examples they used like porn use which is generally considered a shameful act in their circles. I'm pretty curious why deeper information can't include the general well being of someone like their health or something. It's also pretty weird that you would ask someone to tell you things that they don't want you to know
This thought crossed my mind as well, but I have a different take on the "why" for the info mining. Sutton mentioned "accountability buddy" early on in the video in a discrete reference to disclosure about watching porn, but IMO, they could be collecting this info on their friends' (and prospective friends') vulnerabilities to use/exploit later if said friends start down the path of deconstructing from their cultish fundamentalism. Like, "hey, I'm sensing that you're starting to doubt your faith in the Lord. Could it be due to your feelings around (X vulnerability disclosed during an info mining session, ermm, friendly bonding moment)? Fundies generally seem to view deconstructing with a healthy dose of animosity. "Oh noes! Brother Dave will need to be RESAVED!"
Why do they hate their spouses and hate being married? They make marriage sound like a "challenge" from God and its sad. I love just BEING with my husband. Let questions come naturally as they come up.
Paul and Morgan have said things like "Satan hates godly marriages, and he's trying to wreck our marriage" when they're having issues. They DO seem to see marriage as a challenge, and if they're godly enough they will "win" against Satan.
Usually because they quickly realize that marriage isn’t some sort of magical process that will fix their inability to communicate effectively with one another 🤡 they both grow up learning to expect and prioritize different things out of married life, not realizing that just because they both believe in god and are attracted to eachother, doesn’t mean they’re gonna always be on the same page.
I mean this with absolute sincerity: I truly hope Morgan NEVER truly confides in these people about marriage doubts or something similar, because Nate and Sutton ABSOLUTELY are the type of people to go running to Paul and spill the beans, making Morgan’s situation even more unsafe.
I’ve always felt awful for this couple. They always seem so sad and miserable, like they’d rather be anywhere else. I mean, at least with Paul and Morgan, Paul seems to enjoy lecturing people in their videos, but these two, yikes.
That's true. Paul does seem to really love lecturing in his vids, especially when he can talk about how condemned others are for not thinking and living like him. But the level of contempt that shows with him and Morgan can be pretty hard to watch, and no amount of fake smiles and calls for prayer is ever gonna hide that
i don't thin paul even really likes, loves or respects morgan all that much (gotta view woman as actual people who are worthy of love and respect for that, you know?)
but he definitely does enjoy himself and getting on his soapbox, hearing himself talk and living in his self righteousness
It took me a while after leaving the church 13 years ago to work out what felt different about my new friendships. It was that they had happened naturally as a result of a mutual sincere liking of each other for who we were. That's it. In the church, ppl were effectively given ppl to be friends with as a result of what home group or prayer group they were in, which church set up rota, or worship band, and I didn't realise it at the time, but they were friendships based on the calibre of your Christianity. So of course they were awkward, and 95% of them didn't last me leaving the church, because they weren't friendships based on who we were, they were sham friendships based on how we related to God. A friendship based on 'accountability' isn't about you, the person, at all, they're about your behaviour. I so enjoy my friendships now that are based in sincerity.
This. I never ever made one real lasting friendship in the church. My true friendships have always come from other circumstances.
I wonder if it's a uniquely protestant thing that "we share Christianity in common so we need to be friends"
My parents were heavily involved in their church for 30 years and when the shit hit the fan with health battles etc...
It was family and my parent's childhood friends who helped. As soon as my parents left a church for another church those friendships ended.
They fully weird me out....like all of it....everything is OFF.
Just wanted to say thank you for being so inclusive! As someone with autism myself, I very much appreciate the inclusivity and you, for example, mentioning that not having eye contact etc is ok. Also, I just watched another one of your videos and you mentioned not being a huge fan of CBT and that you might do a video on it at some point. Would love to watch a video like that. CBT has been utterly useless for me, which is frustrating when it's like the number one treatment being offered (over and over). Maybe you've already made such a video already, I don't know. I'm new to your content so there's a lot I haven't watched yet. Either way, would love to hear your thoughts on CBT!
I’m autistic and I have SUCH a hard time knowing what I should or shouldn’t share about myself, but people outright asking for that info makes me feel so… violated? Idk, I will rarely share information if I’m directly asked for it, and these questions are terrifying to me
I don't think they understand just how telling it is that when they FISRT MET, Nate had zero interest in asking Sutton anything about herself. Even the 'how about you?', means that she was asking ALL the questions, and he was only doing follow-up. That's not the mark of a good listener, or even a good communicator. Assuming you have all the answers, or just not being interested in the answers...I mean, wow. Why would you get married to, or even date, someone you have NO INTEREST IN? Because they're a Christian? That sounds miserable, and I'm not surprised there's so much resentment between them - they've been tied to someone they don't care about/someone who doesn't care about them. It's honestly really sad.
Right off the bat: CRAZY EYES.
Damn.
Definitely got that "I'm in a cult" smile
@@llynxfyremusicor the "plz join us in our cult" eyes
Boy the start of their video she did not look happy, almost look like they just had a fight or something 😳
I do like asking some "manufactured" questions but usually ones that I feel like are fun conversation starters; and only with people I'm already friends with. For example: whats your most controversial/wild non-political opinion? Whats your favorite smell? What would be your convenient power? (Like a super power but totally useless at fighting crime but occasionally convenient)
My cousin is GREAT at this. One of my favorites was “if you were opening a restaurant what would you serve?” These lighter questions are great because they get people talking but let people answer on the level they’re comfortable with. “Tacos because I like them” or “allergy friendly because mine make it hard to dine out” or “soup because I have this really vivid childhood memory…”
This is brilliant. I feel like having these types of questions kind of make the conversation a type of game, like playing make-believe, and having them be kind of silly and low-risk questions avoids the weird boundary crossing we see in this video.
I LOVE YOUR SHIRT orange looks SO good on you 😍😭
I promise you, no one wants to know what thoughts are consuming me!!!
I wish I didn't even know my consuming thoughts lol
I am a conservative Christian and a psychologist and I agree with what you say. This is such thin ice advice. You build up to asking these questions in any relationship, and only if your friend opens the door. To force things in any relationship is the fastest way to get the other to run away from your friendship. The intimacy develops as the relationship grows and it will happen organically. And in some friendships you will never reach this level of intimacy, that’s just the nature of different kinds of friendships. And then some of these questions are just downright awkward.
Asking someone how their walk with God is going feels very invasive and judgy to me. Especially from this couple.
I think if I asked a friend about their religious journey, I could do so without them worrying about being judged, and it could be open. This is because I don't care what religious choices they make for themselves.
But in many Christian circles like these two are in, there is only one right answer, but admitting you're doing well could be seen as prideful, so you have to sound like you're having the socially acceptable amount of struggles, while not lying. Heaven help you if you have serious questions about whether this version of Christianity is true! They might start pushing really hard to get you to accept their version.
thank you! I genuinely cringed when they brought up that question. I was taught that your relationship with God is your own, it's one on one. So asking a friend for info on YOUR relationship with God feels so incredibly invasive. (Like, talk to a pastor I am begging)
I can't imagine telling those weirdos anything.
This is cult-minded, control-oriented questioning. I recognize it from growing up in religious fundamentalism myself and this feeling that you’re always being watched with a microscope, if not by God, than by your friends and family. Even the question, “how has your relationship with God been?” Is one with an objective of control and judgement behind it, rather than genuine interest.
WOOOO new mickey post
These methods of asking your partner 136 questions to determine if he’s right for you feels like those insane Coronet instructional films from the 1950s on how to live your life.
"you should always leave a conversation knowing more about the other person than they knkw about you"
what even IS that?! thats the weirdest thing ive ever heard. is this a thing!? wtf?
My friend can't stand or sit still while talking so she paces and at first I thought she was feeling rushed out then I realized she just needs to move so now i give her space to do that.
That's so beautiful 😍
I do that too 😂 especially, talking on the phone
Same here. I have some of the best/most engaging conversations while I'm walking around/pacing, cooking, or doing chores/hobbies.
7:00
... yes, it kinda is?...
like... "hi, let's make our first date into a competition of who tells the other less about themselves"?
this is such a strange advice. like, what if both of you take this advice? I really wouldn't wanna be on that kind of date, it sounds boring and awkward af.
I wouldn't want Nate to know one single thing about me. He has cold eyes and too many teeth.
Nate's most consuming thought is probably sex.
What is wrong with saying "Something like that happened to me"? I thought that was a way to affirm the other person's experience and show you relate to it.
He does have too many teeth and tight shirts to show off his muscles that he's convinced the ladies love...( eventhough they don't)
There’s nothing wrong with his Shirts, muscles or teeth… You’re just trashing him 😂 However, I agree that he seems inauthentic and that’s why is completely unappealing…
Love ya, Mickey. Your vibe is fine. Heal well. Those two, however, give me the creep vibes. Excellent deconstruction on your part.
They hate each other.
This was wild to watch. On an mostly unrelated note - loveeee that shirt. Hope the healing is going well!
there needs to be a media literacy course taught in school, especially because of the internet its super important to not blindly listen to whomever
So happy to hear that you're out of surgery and everything went well! Wishing you a smooth and speedy recovery
I feel like a guy I know from my university has taken their advice (similar advice at least) Every talk with him gets weirdly emotionally invasive very quickly, full of #deep questions or statements. It absolutely makes me avoid him.
Your hair looks so nice! It’s like all the colors of autumn and layered beautifully!
These people remind me of people who ignore boundaries.
As someone who was born and raised in this evangelical world, I think these weird forced questions is an attempt to make up for extreme emotional illiteracy and lack of empathy in these adults that were raised with toxic shame and a belief that everyone is born evil on the inside. That’s exactly how I used to feel. When you don’t accept your own self you don’t know how to naturally interact with people so you feel like you need a plan to force intimacy.
That's a huge red flag: Why go on a date if you don't wanna ask questions and get to know the other person? Nate should have stayed home.
Mickey? Your side eye is consistently award winning. Thank you. 🙆💫👀