The Anxious-Avoidant Trap - How to Stop Fighting
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- Опубликовано: 3 июн 2023
- Do you chase your partner when they take distance?
Or are you on the other end, running away when your partner comes too close?
If so, you might be part of the infamous anxious-avoidant trap. This is an unhealthy relationship dynamic where both partners trigger each other’s deepest fears.
The good news is that it can be healed with the right tools and knowledge!
Watch the video if you recognize being on either end of this.
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#fearfulavoidant #dismissiveavoidant #anxiousattachmentstyle #personaldevelopmentschool #anxiousavoidanttrap
Anxious: "Hey I don't feel loved enough"
Avoidant: "Ok well if you don't feel loved then why are we together"
Anxious: "I'd like you to take some responsibility please and show me how much you love me"
Avoidant: "I'm not capable of that, you're asking too much of me"
Lol spot on 😂
😢dealing with this right now
LMAO
It was exactly what happened to me, too much to deal with, or better saying "too little" and then they wonder why people leave them, their behavior makes people leave them, it's a self fulfilling prophecy and they don't realize it...
sadly exactly that
Avoid the avoidant... Run as fast as you can...
I'm dating one right now and I'm tired do you have advice from your experience on what should I do?
@@serene1486 it's too much work for you to put on, I understand some DA's are really hurt due to trauma, but they need to realize they are hurting others too, if the effort is one-sided, just walk away.
Unfortunately sometimes it doesnt show up for a while
@@user-dn3dm1kb8y it's true
Avoidants are parallel to narcs and sociopaths. Avoid AT ALL COSTS
As an Anxious Avoidant married to a Dismissive Avoidant, I can attest to the fact that it’s a shit show. 21 years later, and I still feel he doesn’t love me. He says it but doesn’t express it & doesn’t support me or express compassion or empathy, it all exasperates my trust issues and it’s overwhelming. We are on the verge of a divorce & I have no idea if anything can help at this point. I’m so sad but more exhausted than anything!
Oh God 21 years. I've been in the relationship 4 years. Prayers. Its not easy. I sometimes think it may be due to alexithmia. Low oxytocin low understanding unable to empathize. It sucks cause I feel way too much and intensely.
Try love languages
@aishab2902 yes he's acts of service but I'm quality time so that makes it difficult because he's a stubborn Taurus. He does have limited time and energy but I wish he'd reserve some of that for me. He values his alone time too much.
@@motherearth888horoscopes and astrology have nothing to do with anything. It’s not someone’s identity. The reality lies in unhealed wounds, namely from childhood or a distant past. Committed counseling and self work is a must
In my old situations, I'd begin to feel disconnected and lonely, then I'd say that I felt those things. Then the person would invalidate me and stonewall. Next, I'd try to get through to be heard and understood. Then he'd push me further away, and then I'd give up trying in resentment.
I'd try to repair the pain point later, and it would start all over. I eventually avoid bringing things up for a while, and it'll start all over. 😑
That is the cycling I experienced with the only DA I was with.
It's wasn't a securely attached relationship. He just wanted to be on the surface or disconnected.
There’s an important point to clarify and it’s that one attachment style can bring out the other in their partner. If someone is secure, a DA can (unintentionally) start the secure partner to lean anxious. Same goes for an AP they can nudge a secure individual towards avoidant. One shouldn’t work to move their attachment all the way to the other side - both should meet in the middle at secure.
As a female DA, this is absolutely true. Clingy-ness (?) Is super triggering and I definitely start to avoid those interactions.
Exactly!! Feel smothered.. its like once in a relationship you have to be joined at the hip!
I don't even understand how a DA could be in a relationship with and AP.......I'm DA leaning secure and I wouldn't even contemplate attempting this.
So stay single and dont hurt people
@@1224polo sounds like you've got your own work to do. Don't confuse self knowledge and acceptance of my own boundaries with lack of healing.
@@sumbabwes I'm a healed DA myself and I will tell you not to do it. I've dated all attachment styles and with APs, I can't even talk to them without them becoming obsessed. It's too much, too soon, which I don't necessarily mind because I understand why they do what they do, but there's no room for me. And if I express my thoughts or boundaries, they ignore them, which is then diametrically opposed to my own healing.
💜 Be brave, AP's 💪
He’s very avoidant. It’s interesting how clingy and afraid he was in the beginning. He doesn’t switch from fearful to avoidant- now he’s just avoidant and hangs on- but doesn’t progress our relationship but keeps me at arms length. He acted fearful avoidant 50/50 in the beginning- no security at all- and now he acts secure/avoidant. Getting nowhere so I left. He gives breadcrumbs. Wont let go. Very frustrating.
I understand completely. My love and prayers to you, and all who are struggling to get through. Never give up! There is Hope! The Almighty has power over all things!!!❤❤❤
I'm fearful avoidant and the dismissive avoidants bring out my anxious/clingy side. I hate it.
@thais i feel like there should be FA and DA dance videos
Basically, if you give the avoidant all the opportunity in the world and they still are the same 'asshole' (I know it is far, far more complicated, but asshole is a good catch all term for avoidants that won't recognize that they can't see naturally where they need to do work, especially compounded by them not having faith in others), there is nothing you can do.
You can go to hell to save someone if you've been there before and you know the way out, but if they WANT to be there, you might never leave.
@definitely Avoidants don't decide about this like hey I think I'll just be an ass' today! lol. Most are survivors of some form of abuse and it's their subconscious still giving the same orders, to keep them safe. True you can't save someone else; and it's possible for any avoidant to become secure attached. Self awareness is all it takes to start changing the pattern.
Yup. That was my marriage dynamic. Wish I knew this I could have saved it maybe. Then I did it again in my last long term relationship. Finally I can stop this cycle!! I wasted so many good relationships on this FA/DA ugh
So what is the solution. I’m not hearing a solution here.
It's a short, there are courses to help us, which explain more details
There's no answer usually it's AP are children but are the main ones pushing for the relationship. Avoidants are adults but mostly cause they show no emotion, is that really being an adult.
Run like hell
I really dislike that the DA is the wounded one here. Why do we always have to be the one who takes the high road and have to settle down an AA whenever they want? Yet, the AA is not always willing to give us distance when we need it because they feel triggered by us needing space.
SUCKS so bad 😢
Sometimes it can be as simple as asking for/ letting us (AA) know you need that space before you just go for it. And assuring us that it doesn't mean anything personal.
Which of course after time, we'll understand the pattern and this won't need to be communicated (you gotta understand that generally it's a very alien concept to us so it's hard not to take it personally when it just happens out of nowhere).
Very rarely in our experiences does that happen (because that's often too much to ask) and so the anxiety builds 🤷🏽♂️ it's a hard thing but it doesn't have to be 😅.
(both sides just need to heal themselves, and not take personally what the other partners need from them. Meeting someone else's needs will likely lead to yours being met too)
It's really easy to solve by simply communicating. The anxious person is upset by sudden out of nowhere or invisible actions rhich leave them hanging.
Need space?
Option A) disappear, say nothing
Option B) explain you are there for them and will be back, it's just a part of who you are (not you expressing contempt)
@@DarkFoxVExactly. Because it is always done with contempt!
You needing space might not have and end time , you take longer than require giving the anxious too much time to overthink because you don’t communicate bfr deactivate
Why am I like this 🤣🥲😭. All the above