The Dismissive Avoidant and Anxious Preoccupied Relationship Dynamic: 3 Necessary Steps to Success
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- Опубликовано: 28 июл 2024
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In this video I discuss what the relationship dynamic is like for the Anxious Preoccupied and Dismissive Avoidant attachment types.
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.personaldevelopmen...
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Thank you for watching!
As an AP, I’ve learned to validate myself and give my partner space when he becomes distant or pulls back, he will come to me when he’s ready. I also have learned to not chase him, and let him do most of the chasing. That’s the only way this relationship has worked. I do tell him what I want and what I need but also don’t have high expectations. I keep it real and logic. That’s worked for me so far. We’re in a good place. 👌🏽
@Joanna Martinez If you don't mind, how long have you been an item?
I have the same dynamic and have been doing the same as well but sometimes it’s sooo hard! 😬
I'm doing the same thing with my husband, I'm anxious my husband is avoidant, I hope things get better and our relation gets better.
Glad you're able to make it work 😄
I've intuitively thought to do this, but yeah I never realised how deeply insecure I was. So I will be working on this for sure! Thanks for the advice! ... And hope!
So the AP needs to learn to self-soothe and the DA needs to learn how to be vulnerable!
For the AP to learn to self soothe is hard but not impossible but for DA to learn to be vulnerable seems impossible 😭
FA has to learn both, fun 😂
@@yveqeshy haha!! So true! 😂🙄
100%
More like the AP has to learn how to walk on eggshells and understand that they'll never be fully satisfied with the relationship, and the DA just does whatever they want because it's their way or the highway.
After reading through all these comments, I really feel that the bottom line, regardless of what attachment style you are, is that it's unwise to engage in any kind of romantic relationship until you are sufficiently healed and in love with yourself first and foremost.
No, because you can heal in a vaccum.
My bf is anxious attachment and I'm avoidant and it's been so hard at first. But we are now healing together and both learned so much about ourselves through eachother. Even if it wasn't to last (God forbid) I'd still think that I'm happy with everything I've learnt.
The beauty of being trigger is locating the wounds you know 🫀
Intro ends at 2:02
It must be great to be a DA, you just show up however you want, and the rest of us, especially AA, Like me, will cowtow to your needs
It's only great for them if you stick around. Analogy: they're kind of like a kid who misbehaves as much as their parents allow them to. By sticking around and kowtowing to them, you're essentially allowing them to 'misbehave' and they have no real incentive to change their behavior. The interactions are a net gain for them and since they're self-serving, that's something they take delight in.
My experience is that they only grow once you decide you deserve better and leave them. Date someone more secure and who's actually trying to bring joy to your life and help meet your needs.
Lmfao yeah never feeling comfortable enough to emotionally open up is amazing, you're right
@@ycart3285 you're right. I wish I understood what that feels like, probably just as bad as constantly feeling unloved and abandoned
@@kozy15x As long as we can all agree that attachment problems due to trauma suck to experience no matter what form they take, and sucks even more when people feel comfortable talking about you like you're a monster🙃
@@ycart3285 I never meant that da's are monsters. I've loved several DAs in my life. I apologize for coming off so cold. My AA/DA trap just has me so frustrated
You have literally saved my relationship with this video! My DA bf and I (AP) kept running into this needs incompatibility and you’ve given us a new perspective on it, thank you!!
The problem is that if you voice your needs or even feelings to the avoidant, they'll run or even lose attraction completely... There's really no communication possible unless they want it and start it...
1000%
Sooo true!! Unless they want to talk otherwise they aren’t interested and shut down 😫
Thais did a really good video in the last 2 weeks about this. Wish I could remember what it was called it was about boundaries and when to leave.
I don't think for a second that DA's who respond well to this are rare!
Stating needs should not be done based on whether they run/lose attraction. Whether they stay should be viewed as a byproduct of you showing up authentically, FOR YOURSELF, first and foremost!
Us DA's tend to have preconceived ideas about having to deal with a relentless, draining preoccupation.... It's mostly as simple as eliminating that. If you state your needs to the point that the DA is 100% clear, and then drop the topic completely, you might be surprised how quickly they respond.
If you really have been doing this consistently for a month or two (or whatever time seems reasonable for your situation), and you're not getting results, just move on!
@@emotophobiccdd8006 Agree 100% Unfortunately, I think that by the time a need is expressed to a DA, the AA individual is already so emotionally charged that it's near impossible for a DA (or anyone with wounds around not being good enough or defective) to react positively. AA friends - emotionally regulate, love YOURSELF to the point when you are not desperate for the other person's affections and THEN they will respond well. Seems counterintuitive but it's truth. As an FA with both sides, I understand the AA feeling of urgency, but the DA side of me can sniff out desperation from a million miles away lol, so I understand that as well
This is absolutely true, me as a DA crave time to be and I always tell my AP partner, give me that space and I’ll come to you but he doesn’t believe me therefore never gives me the space. Honestly, if he did this I genuinely become more present and connected. I understand him yet I feel very misunderstood by him. I just want 50/50. He feels like my attachment requires him to be 90/10 which isn’t true.
so as an ap i should just let it be?
Kigen M it’s the hardest situation because as you can feel you’re sacrificing and the other one the DA is getting what they want. I think it is that until the point the DA gets help and can be aware of their expectations. As a DA myself I’m not there. I find my AP partner so triggering, I experience it as neediness, I’m sure to him it’s the importance of being understood
@@cocomac3546 I feel drowned at times by my AP neediness. He takes it personally when I say I need some time (like even Just go to the park to read a book)
@@carly582 100%
@Coco Mac, I'm an AP married to a DA. There were times earlier in our marriage where I would let her alone and wait for her to spend time with me. After a month went by and I never saw her I started to wonder why I was even having a relationship with this person. I think you might need to re-evaluate how much self-soothing time you actually need, versus how much of it you want or think you need.
I'm AP and my hubs is DA. This is sooooo helpful for us to better understand how to maintain balance in meeting our emotional needs.
Thanks, Thais. You're work is helping so many people. Those willing to do the work greatly improve their lives, and the lives of their families.
Would a DA date or be in a relationship with another DA? I think they would be more suitable for each other since they would love their autonomy and space. They would both fear intimacy and be on a more equal level. Why is it that DA’s waste time with AP’s, stick around just long enough for the AP’s to get emotionally attached. Then the DA’s abruptly leave and the AP’s are left heartbroken and devastated while the DA goes on their merry life as if they never knew you? It’s so messed up how easily they can discard you like trash when you didn’t even do anything other than love them.
It is not like that at all... they hurt and miss people just like everyone else. But unlike an AP, they expect to be rejected so they suppress their emotions. A relationship with another DA won't work either. Please take a course on Personal Development school. You will be surprised how easy it is to transform your relationship. You will enjoy the ease feeling in other areas of your life too. And no, i am just a student too.
That's the million dollar question! In my opinion, it wouldn't work out. But I wish DA's would just be finding each other to save the other's from pain and misery... No offense meant... I know some DA's are working hard to become secure and I commend them for that.
Two DAs together can't happen. They don't have enough glue. Two APs are unlikely to work also, but more possible than 2 DAs.
I forgot about this post. Update is that I later found out that the guy wasn’t actually just a DA, he had high functioning autism and alexithymia which is why it was so traumatizing for me. That was the worst I’ve ever been treated in my life. He found his perfect match right after and they’re living happily ever after a year later. I have yet to date because I can’t handle getting hurt like that again.
@@tinybrit3225 Are you sure they are happy? I do know a couple of typical personal (AP) + high functional autist (long-term marriage 10 years). The "typical" one is my friend and he suffers a lot because of his partner's behavior but is too afraid of letting him go. People that are not close to him have no idea of this mess.
Great video! I most definitely find myself during the deactivating times sort of “rediscovering” myself and taking care of my own needs. There are times I don’t want to go work out or even go hang out with my friends, but afterwards, I’m always thankful I do. And during those times, she’s able to go inward and do her thing.
I do find myself getting anxious about rushing her process. We live together and and have been together for almost 4 years. So after a few days of her deactivating, I’ve done a lot of work on myself. But I find when I start feeling the best about myself, I want to start sharing it with her and it seems she’s not ready. If I share things too soon, she invalidates my feelings or thoughts. She usually deactivates because we’ve had a really good week together and she starts to feel “smothered” or “overwhelmed”. And I get why her core wounds lead her down that path. Is there a typical time frame when they start feeling comfortable again? Cause I’m still not that great at recognizing when she starts reaching out to me again.
Advice?
These videos are awesome! Me and bf just ur quiz and figured out I’m AP and he’s DA... ur tips are great and evaluations spot on... we were already doing these things and that’s how we have stayed together thus far but it’s great to see this content and more ways we can help our relationship grow ❤️
Such a helpful video for us in a DA/AA relationship, thank you! Please do more on this topic 🙏🏼
Such an important video Thais. Thank you!!!
Every time I watch your videos, I just can't believe your accuracy in the facts about the attachment styles. Thankyou for your videos, they literally heal.
Great video! Much better audio btw!
I love the last 2-3 min. She talks about the balance between the polarized styles. Self soothing vs hyper self soothing. Love her
We just kinda figured this out and we talked about attachment styles and since it’s labeled I feel better. I thought for the longest time she was a narcissist and I shouldn’t be vulnerable or tell her any of my feelings. She told me she really didn’t know what I meant if she had to fill in the blanks or interrupt it. That helped a lot.
I begin can’t thank you enough for putting this content out there and sharing all the information you do outside of the courses. Not only has the shed light on my past relationships, giving me a deeper understanding of myself, but you have also given any understanding of my current relationship and saved me from pitfalls that could have led to deeper hurt. These videos are truly a gift and an active loving service to those of us struggling in relationships with attachment issues. So, so much gratitude to you 🙏 Words cannot begin to cover it. Thank you, thank you, thank you 💗🙏💗
This is one of the most valuable channels I’ve stumbled across.
I’m an AP and my partner is a DA, watching these videos puts so much into perspective, thank you so much for these videos. Having both our needs met is super important in building and maintaining a healthy relationship, my only struggle is that I have a constant fear of him dismissing my needs when I tell him what I want more like words of affirmation. It really is painful when you try and explain triggers and wounds without coming across as weak and needy.
Insecure yes!!! But I’m really trying to work on that.
You are extremely helpful thank you so much for putting out this content for us ♥️
This was a great one. Thanks Thais! P.S. You totally had your firm therapist voice on. Luv it! Made me listen. ☺
This is sooo on point I've never even been able to voice my needs
Thank you for this! I'm going to bring this up with my DA
I just want to thank you for all the work you do. You’re truly a God sent! I have been following you for several months. Probably about 6 months. I started studying attachment styles for my career. I read Attached, and was somewhat hooked on attachment styles at the same time felt very defeated and sad. I’m an anxious preoccupied, in love with a Dismissive avoidant who will not commit. Yet we have some type of relationship that is special, but for sure we have the push pull dynamic. I started understanding him so much better and see where he’s coming from which is made me have this strong desire to understand people more in general. I’m definitely more secure than I was, and have been just because I am about self improvement and have been for years. Just didn’t know anything about attaching styles! This is really changing my life. I’m trying to do the work Still have a long way to go. Yet it’s like I see everything with new eyes. That’s because of you! The way you explain everything, your true Empathy towards people comes through! Again thank you! I own so much to you, and all the work you do!
Has he committed yet? I am AP and dating a DA who also has commitment issues.
You, are a life..saver.
Thank you, so much.
These videos are beautiful. I’m an anxious pre occ while my wife is a fearful dismissive because of past relationships abuse. She has CPTSD. I’ve had to become really strong for her and I’m becoming more secure. I love long form content.
Thais, Would you do a video on how to understand if you're in love with the idea of someone vs. the person? And how to clearly see that is what you're doing. I think by realizing this fact it is the first steps to changing. Thank you!
Melissa Mullin yes! I don’t know if she has or not but I would love this
@@tulip5210 same here! I just realized that is something I have done a lot in relationships and that is partly why leaving is so hard. Even though I had wanted to.
I want to know this so bad
She did a video called "Love vs Limerance" that talks about this for AA types.
This one really hits home. SO helpful to understand my style and his combined. I find that when I give him plenty of space he comes back so appreciative and much more willing to give me quality time!
How much time does he normally need? If I may ask. Sometimes mine can be away for a month or even longer than that..
@@marcd2743 Oh I did, faaaar away. Turns out I misjudged it for being avoidant, he was in the end a narcissist.
In case they do the push and pull, it might be just to control you, give you free time and then pull away again. Be aware of the red flags. Breaking up with someone and taking them back over and over again is not normal.
I'm a DA. I've been in this situation. I don't lose feelings after blocking someone. I just do it to protect myself from getting attached anymore than I already am. I know inside I'll hurt them later on so I just do it in the initial stages. But it's hard to get over them. I always knew I had to be single and fix myself and then look for someone.
Deedee 123 thank you for posting that. I always wonder why do DÀ have to pull away if they know they hurt us by doing so?
And what do you do when you really like a person?
@@underdawgtv4300 I'm scared, restless, anxious around them and i just assume they're out of my league.( Low self esteem) and do nothing about it.
Tbh this is how I was before.
I read a book called 'The power of now' and it changed my perspective on life.Now I think of people as just people. Same as me. So I don't fantasize about them or hate them even. I don't have that fear of loving that I used to have before. It's feels amazing that I'm not scared to love someone anymore.
@@deedee-es4vg wow! So if I'm trying to make it work. (Because I know he likes me) what do you suggest? If I say what I need he will try to meet me 1/2 way
@@underdawgtv4300 With a DA, you'll have to understand whenever he doesn't let you in. It's not personal. You have to protect your own self esteem with an armor if you're going into this. And this shit takes time. You cannot change him.You cannot tell him that you're a DA so now you have to change. That will make things worse. That's one thing that he has to do himself. You can only and only be KIND and PATIENT. Whenever you feel like you cannot do this and it's affecting you instead. You should consider leaving them. I know that's hard but always keep that option open for yourself because you can only do so much.
❤️ You're a blessing 😊
I used to both live and work with my wife for 5 years. I absolutely loved it. Because of job changes we list working together but I won’t lie, I loved every single minute
@10:54 balance is the 🔑! Talking things over, meeting eachother halfway, and tapping into different aspects of our personalities! Hmmm. 😍
I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch.
I need your understand, I need your love- so much.
You tell me that you love so
You tell me that you care
But when I need you Baby....
You're never there
`-Cake-
You got a new microphone!!!!! :):):)
This gave me some hope for my relationship 😊
Time vs space can be a difficult concept, especially when DA has been disloyal within the relationship. How would AP go about navigating a relationship with disloyalty.
thank you for the note on the exertingrg control of environment. that explains what i did wrong perfectly and i will not make mistake that again.
Another great video! You've really helped me out a lot in my relationship with a DA which is getting easier bit by bit. I figured I am anxious/secure as I've done a lot of work over the years to deal with my past. I've been in relationships like my current one that made me extremely anxious but I've also been in relationships with guys more anxious than myself that I found myself building walls between us and becoming dismissive. So I decided to take your attachment style quiz. It's got me at 33% secure, 28% anxious attached, 28% fearful avoidant, and 11% dismissive avoidant. I guess that just means I've got more to learn and more growth ahead.
Where can I find the quiz?
Nate Sandall, I got 30% Secure, 30% anxious, 20% fearful, 20% dismissiv....so we got similar results. Did your Partner take the quiz as well?
My partner about 20% secure, mainly dismissiv and fearful.
Would love to exchange ideas. 😊
Thank you trauma!
FAs we have it rough but it also allows us to see both perspectives I can understand APs needing time for reconne tion to feel safe and DAs needing space to feel grounded
My avoidant partner has put me into an awkward position. By refusing to speak unless we are infront of a professional but avoiding choosing one, saying the ones I chose were too expensive, then when he chose one he kept me out of the process for 5 months..now the phycologist is his therapist and If we are to move forward together with a therapist it's on me to find another one for us! I've been waiting over 8 months without any conversations below surface level banter. I've been avoided for so long every aspect of our lives hasn't been addressed properly for years now. We have children together and with other people so this disconnect has blown our family apart. We nolonger have an emotional connection and are all but finished. I've gone from feeling secure and happy to feeling insecure and disheartened about the future.
Great info
my mom is avoidant and my pops is a narc. i usually used to gravitate towards avoidant female that are so unhealed they dont see narc people and there abuse. As a person that may have resonated more with an anxious style in the beginning of my recovery from cptsd and childhood trauma, who is almost 3 years into healing my childhood trauma. Im starting to understand a bit the needs of the dismissive avoidants, or i mean, understand that even if I wasn't parented and attuned to by my mother enough emotionally, or even that she allowed on some level abuse happen to me growing up by being so unhealed herself, im starting to see how avoidants well, maybe avoidants that have done some work, and how i can gravitate unconsciously towards being heard and seen by people that at times have more difficulty with that, or that can find my very valid needs , like the emotional vulnerability , content as a lot for them bc they have another attachment style, and that i also feel attracted to a lot of things these more avoidant women can have such as independence or other things. ....... I feel narc people understand how avoidants need space, and since they give them that at times, even if they are abusive fucks, avoidants can feel on some level heard by that. I guess being an hsp and a former scapegoat i see through narcs abusive manipulative stuff quicker and detect it , also after having suffered it in childhood abuse by it and a smear campaign last year
why does life have to be so damn complicated?! Your videos are very interesting however life on this planet is so challenging...
This cycle is me with my parents. I'm anxious preoccupied. They don't actively listen even after I've taught myself to articulate properly
I have learnt, as an AP its way easier for us to learn to self-sooth rather than for a DA to learn to trust. Being with a DA can be a nightmare, they give nothing for us to work with because of their trust issues.
This was so helpful..thank you!!
I need both autonomy space and connection. It's healthy.
I would like to see DA and FA combo explored.
Could you make a video about how to tell a friend is dismissive?
Can we get more in this topic 😅 thank you in advance 😊
I'm an anxious and my partner is dismissive. I know my needs and express this. He doesn't know his needs. I feel its hard to understand him when he doesnt understand himself. What should I do?
As a DA, I can say that it is really really hard to understand myself, when I have never let me (cause that involves emotions and this is a big no-no). Therefore, if your partner says that he doesn't know, he actually really doesn't. That is what makes it really sad, and I think, really infuriating for you. He has to start naming emotions - there was a video about this as well. I have tried, and it is starting to work little by little - everything is not either nothing or pain - but has started to gain a bit of substance and colour. It is very difficult and takes time, but support your DA, and you will see that he will come around to support you as well. Also I think maybe giving him a chance to chase you, despite it being against your grain may help a little to communicate your needs as well. I am in a relationship with an anxious for 4 years now and I think we have slowly been able to get to common ground a bit more - I have opened up tiny bit by tiny bit and he has learned how to trust me and himself a bit more. We are able to communicate a bit better. We still do the cycle, but in my opinion it is going a bit smoother. Although right now we're in the apart bit of the cycle, that is why I have come here to watch these videos, to get better and to be able to appreciate him as the wonderful person that he is and to show him how much it hurts in a good way to see him and be with him (normal people call it love, I think). Best of luck to you and I really do hope that you both can make your relationship better.
Wish I had found this video 6 months ago 😢 Fkn DAs will blow you up.
Do not ever date a DA, not worth it.
Great, thanks! Do I understand correctly: the AA needs to make the first step?
Can you make more videos about this topic please
I love your channel I just started listening a day or two ago and I've learned so much already. I've had such a hard time connecting with the person I was seeing but now it all makes sense. I'm anxious preoccupied style and he is dismissive avoidant style. I couldn't understand why anytime I showed too much emotion or would contact him consistently he would shut down. We had this happen about three weeks ago and I realize what I did to make him shut down. I'm working on myself and I know I need to discipline myself because my emotions change so much in one day. I really want to speak with him but he has me blocked and I'm trying my best to give him space but it's hard Im always trying to hurry up and resolve things. Any advice please I can really use it. I want to respect his space like I have before. He also is a workaholic and as a law enforcement officer his job is very stressful. I'm not even sure if I should try to resolve things I don't think he's aware of why he does these things.
It sounds like you are more focused on understanding him than loving yourself .when we feel anxious (which I can sense in your post) is unkind to you - whatever you had to learn by making him step away and block you - is that equal to you feeling rejected ? Or shunned? You sound senstive and caring and aware and that’s wonderful . You didn’t deserve to be blocked - he could have communicated his discomfort . Blocking is extreme and hurtful . Please focus on your own energy and ground that in and BE comfortable but also be mature. If you have learnt what you did then allow time to change you and the energy between you.
To say you learnt means change. Anxiety and worry at such an early point is not healthy nor uplifting . Whether you overreacted or not - take the lesson and mature with it. If he did it didn’t overreact becoming a more authentic level person is the ultimate signal and vibration to attract consistency . Speak your truth always calmly and own your presence - that will always emanate a vibe that’s attractive and safe for any person / being / soul. When we know who WE ARE - then others cAn become their selves in our company . This is a moment for you to heal and remaster your own signal and expression .
E H So true indeed. Update on what has happened I began focusing more on myself (my needs, my triggers and healing I allowed time to pass and in the process I began to learn Im more of the fearful avoidant I also seem to shut down not in a drastic way but I do. Also, it's amazing how I realize how much of a hard time I have with voicing my needs this was a huge part on why I start to resent whomever I'm in relationship with then wait till I'm really angry to express it, so I'm slowly trying to voice my needs no matter how uncomfortable I feel. About the person I was seeing we began speaking about a week ago all was good an I was applying a few strategies I learned and yesterday we had the smallest I mean smallest disagreement and what happened he shut down again after stating he would try to work on communicating. With that being said I'm going to go ahead and move forward I can't change anyone nor would I want to I'm just going to focus on me. Thank you for the feedback. Be Blessed
Did he unblock you? Are you speaking?
@@katkatkat5 Hi, I just realized this was 4 months ago and to be honest so much has happened since then. We are speaking and yes he did unblock me and hasn't block me again since then. However, he still has a fear of commitment and it's been a back and forth kind of thing with him. Although, I do like him a lot and care about him so much I don't think this is going to workout for me. I'm an FA and tend to stop making my needs important and focus on his needs which is totally not fair to me. It's just hard to completely let go of him. I recently reconnected with an old friend who has always had a crush on me lol... he took the attachment style quiz and is Secure it's so different and he is attentive yet gives me space when I need it. I just don't get why I still can't let go of the DA
@@verosaenz75 that’s good to hear. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and we have to do what’s best for us. The not letting go part I would guess has several reasons. First you’ve invested in him and tried to make it work, put some emotional energy into it. Maybe you feel like all this work shouldn’t be for nothing and now find it hard to “just give up” because of it. And second his DA style triggers some core wounds of abandonment, if that happens we try so hard to “convince” the other person to make it right. It’s not our fault these things were triggered but I think it’s our responsibility to acknowledge if something isn’t working for US and be able to let go of the situation if they are not making us happy and putting in the work.
#2's validation is not clear. Example would help.
😑 Great definition of what/why it went sour soo quickly between me and my AP french speaker ex... 2 days too late probably, he'll surely feel attacked if I link this video with my response to his last 'goodbye' text...
Begins 2:07. 🙂
Very, very helpful. Question: as an AP, sometimes when I share my needs/feelings my DA wife hears it as she’s doing something wrong, feels shame, then blames me or pulls away. How can I share in such a way that this cycle doesn’t happen?
I'm also an AP and my girlfriend is a DA that also pulls away and feels shame when being criticised. Thais touches on this in some of her DA videos but she likely feels this shame because DAs never feel good enough or broken in a fundamental way so blames herself for not being good enough to meet your needs. If bringing up criticism personally I would use the "when you do...I feel..." but preface it with things like: "I'm not going anywhere and love the relationship that we have together". It's all around making the DA feel safe, supported and that you're not going to leave.
@@jasonburden7999 Hey do you mind sharing how long have you guys been together? I am AP and dating a DA guy. He keeps on saying that he’s broken and I don’t really understand what he means. And how to respond when he says that.
@@hb7967 Hi sure no problem, we were together for about 10 months but broke up three months ago as we just kept triggering and upsetting each other. I later realised she was more FA than DA. How long have you two been dating? What does he say when you ask what he means about being broken? When would he usually say he's broken, is it all the time?
Points are not clearly stated ito 3 steps and everyone doesn't always ubderstand academic language. Simplify more please
Can you do a video on being an AA adult child and having a DA mom? I resent that if I want her to *be* a mom to me that I have to teach her how to be, she wont take the initiative to help our relationship ever at all. She just wont talk about anything on her own initiative and if I bring up emotions or our relationship issues she says the bare minimum, might make a promise to change and then the next day acts like we never had the conversation. Its like she pretends to forget she promised to make changes. As a result, I resent once again, caretaking her feelings and being parentified while trying to soothe myself, stay rational, stay mature. Im so tired of being the bigger person when it comes to my own mother. Im just exhausted trying to get any basic affection from my mom. For the most part Ive given up on hopingfor any basic human deceny from her. Begging for basic affection or recognition from her has really made me feel pathetic and undignified.
Ironically when I give up on needing her to be a mom and resign to barely having any contact with her, thats when shes happiest and thinks we're doing great....while Im depressed and miserable and grieving not having a mom, and totally emotionally shut down. Ive grown to resent her happiness because shes only happy when I give up on wanting her to show me love by touching or talking to me about anything genuine. She never even hugged me when I cried or was scared as a kid. She would get angry at me for being anything other than happy. She's straight up told me she doesnt understand why I would ever need to be hugged if I was sad or scared, even as a kid. I ...cant fathom that level of unavailability and lack of empathy. I could understand her being timid about showing affection but to not even understand that a sad or scared kid would ever need a hug seems inhuman to me.
My heart breaks for you reading this. I'm so sorry
Wish I knew this a few weeks ago. My dismissive avoidant ex said he thought he was holding me back as I asked for more attention
May l ask what can DP do now to make sure that they don't have emotions
@Thais Gibson so what is a DA that was deceptive in the beginning aka pretended perfectly that he was sociable and loved/loves to connect but then started saying my best guy cousins know me. I love my alone time. I love to be with just me! I can live in this world all by myself! 🤔
Hello. Im an FA dealing with DA. Exact same scenario 10 months in, we went through a period of no dates nothing for 5 months and him not even calling. Eventually I wrote to him. Expressing that just as he has need for space, i have need for quality time. I also asked what are 3 things he hated about our time together? He replied you dont do anything i like with me, you even interrupt when im listening to a song with you. You talk too much in movies and you make me stay up way too late egen though ive to be up at 6. So i listened. And asked tell me more. And i readjusted myself. And he made space in his day for me.
Communication and willingness to make things work is key
My question is, after the demise of a 16yr marriage, how to avoid this happening again. I now understand that I have a textbook anxious attachment style. She is textbook avoidant. Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back it all makes sense. Assuming there’s the possibility of me finding love again how does one determine someone else’s attachment style early on to address any issues before making another blind mistake?
My partner really believes he is not to reassure me we will be ok, or we are ok in a fight. What do I do?
What if you don't know what you need or what it looks like to ensure quality time is fulfilling what you need to make it effective. I'm great when we're together but once we're apart things dont feel right but I knownhe needs his space and want to give him that.
I could have written this damn...
Check out her video "how to identify your core needs"
I have question, if you are a DA do you never feel pain at all or do you just get that numbness when something really bad like a breakup etc. happens or do you get that numbness also when things are just a little bad?
I only tend to feel the genuine version of each particular type of emotional pain once. There's always a degree.... The more unexpected it is, the more I feel. Not much catches me by surprise nowadays. At 44yo, I have learned to predict/expect the worst, dissociate, and run with the bs stories of the mind. But I am trying to unlearn it!
how do u get over being the center of all of the relationship problems as a DA? I get offended that we only ever argue about things I do wrong, I never ask my partner to change but they require so much change from me. i feel like they don't love me, they love what i could be and it falls into that insecure place.
It's not that AAs do not require change, rather I think it's that when a DA is in a relationship with an AA a natural pattern arises where the DA triggers the AA first. DA is elusive, AA endures because they ignore red flag behavior to preserve the relationship, then when they can endure no longer they are triggered and the conflict that occurs triggers the DA to shut down making matters worse. There's problems going on with both people, but the way it manifests creates a situation where the DA is mostly stoking the flames.
I'm so weird. I'm both, stuck in between. I swing between the two types like a pendulum. 🥴
I’ve been in nocontact for 2 months: I’m AP but leaned FA in the relationship with the DA (I feel is also a little FA) she’s also in a rebound.
I’m guessing I have to wait for her to reach out if she ever decided to?
Move on with your life man, that's called ghosting.
What if he can’t commit, actions were showing words were saying he isn’t ready to be bf/gf after great 10 months of dating...
In my opinion, If he can’t commit find someone who will. Don’t forget your the Prize !
Talk to them. Let them know what you need and give them a reasonable amount of time to work on it. Be prepared to gently remind them so they get in a habit. If they don't try leave. There's a difference between DA tendencies and lack of interest.
@@viviancardenas5032 this somewhat opened my eyes 😅 im an AA but on the road to self improvement, i know its not that healthy closeness we AA always look forward but will a DA actually take in everything you express without any pressure? Or we are waiting for eternity to be approved of that need 😅
If the DA wants to improve their relationship yes. Thais says that typically DAs just need to be spoken to more frankly. Not criticized, just redirected a bit and they will oblige. She gives examples in past videos on how to speak or start those types of conversations without triggering those deactivating programs.
@@viviancardenas5032 this is correct. My DA LOVES me. He doesn't say it. But he shows it. And he tries more when I Express myself to him. He will try more. The thing is I'm AA and when I fall back. He comes running. So I guess maybe it depends on how much they are interested in you.
How do I figure out my ex intentions of reaching out during no contact? To be friends? For ego stroke? Or she had thoughts of trying things agn? Or to check if theres this possibility?
Coach says that I have to figure out but idk how. And obviously, esp for DA, you dont want to explicitly bring in the topic of the rs until much later or a few dates later. Is there a way for me to figure out her intentions, be it from our casual texting (after she indirectly reached out), or asking her out?
+1
@Kaixuan Great question, but I would suppose you could never know someone else's intent, unless they explicitly tell you.
Sounds like your question is more about how much meaning can you read into the DA's actions (Personally interested in this). And what would be the appropriate responses.
Why should you adhere to the need if they are based on false understanding and sub-conscious insecurities? Surely meeting their insecurely perceived needs reinforces that they are fine they way they are. ..they are dysfunctional and have a disorder, I don't agree playing into that dynamic. Commit to the healing journey first -"the cure" instead of treating the symptoms.
I agree there needs to be a healthy balance, both the need to disassociate and run away and the need for extreme constant validation are because of the unhealed attachment issues.
So do DA exes come back to their anxious dumpee? After NO CONTACT? Any details or tips much appreciated!
I'm going through the same he's DA and I'm AP he recently shut down and I'm stuck here waiting wanting to do something to fix this. After listening to these videos it all makes sense now. How long has it been since you broke up if you don't mind me asking?
I am in this Game for the last 6 years. Tremendous emotional pain. It ruined my finances, since I spent 50.000 € in psychic readings over the years. It also caused a toll to my health.
Finally I could process my feelings and learnt a lot about myself.
Yes, they always come back, but this doesnt mean commitment. It is more like staying in the orbit. In my case she moved 1000 km away from me and back after 4 months.
The last breakup was almost two years ago and she totally forgot to move out of my apartment...so she is here, just across the hallwall but heartwise there is an ocean in between.
She walks the dog and does the lawn...and I appreciate this.
When I get the flu, she goes visits friends and tells me I deserve to be ill. There is a lot wrong in her thinking and feeling....It bothers me, but I dont show it anymore. We tried to sit down and talk in the past, but one of us only speeks chinese 😉 words wouldnt connect us...
The closest we ever got was when her dog died. It was a heartbreaking experience, but at this moment she was vulnerable enough to connect with me emotionally. We could talk like normal people for one evening! She realized it, too, but in the long run, nothing changed.
With friends she can act quite normal and is very supportive towards them. She makes a wonderful friend but a lousy lover.
I cannot kick her out, because I still want to be with her...I also believe, there is an expirationdate on this situationship somewhere. Before this experience I could handle breakups normally...I suffered some time and then moved on. This is different.
But, yes, they come back after they feel free again and get bored with whatever they did in the meantime...but, be aware, this has nothing to do with commitment as you long for it.
She has a video on that. Check her channel.
@@verosaenz75
My situation:
After 3 1/2 months of NC Radio silence towards my Dissmissive Avoidnt ex (he broke up with me)...i reached out due to a natural disaster in our town. He responded immediately and we went back n forth that day and the day after...then everything went silent. Sooooo I'm goin back to No Contact/Radio Silence for the next 3 1/2 months. This will buy me time to get back to my treadmill and workout and lose 30lbs. Come Oct 1st, I will triumphantly return to my IG acct and post a really great selfie that will show me looking slimmed and great. Thats my stragedy. Then pix to follow after that...and my usual funny memes...see what happens...also post videos of me showcasing my new musical talent of playing guitar... 👍
UPDATE: well.....almost a week later and he went silent......what gives?
I didnt say anything wrong (i.e...bring up breakup, argue etc) kept conversation light n interesting (to which he was clearly engaging in).....and responded to his texts only after he wrote (like tennis stragedy)
They say youre suppose to try to meet up with them asap....but in our delicate case, we live in a town (and county) where covid is so outrageously high, we were put back into lockdown and stay at home....which means other than goin out for "essentials", people are staying home or not being social. Its very bad where we live. So to follow the blueprint of breakup recovery, our case is simply unique in that a meetup cant happn right now. Sigh..
I WISH it was that easy....but here i am baffled by the hot n coldness of my dissmissive avoidant ex......again, i did nothing wrong when broke NC.
So these 5 days and counting, i went back into NC because I dont know what else to do. And yes im working on my self (exercising and reading books about attachment theory) but god I miss him and i feel saddened that i got suckered into false hope ... i mean, his interaction with me showed he clearly missed me and he even wrote lengthy and brought up something we both loved n shared....
Any advise? As to why he went silent now? Is this normal? What to expect?
(Btw we were together almost 3 yrs)
My ex and I have been back together after we broke up. He is a DA and I am AA. They do come back but how I got mine was I gave him space and focused on bettering my attachment style. Now that we got back together..that's the Hard part. He has gotten better but still is very very much avoidant. I think your ex can come back..they dont know what they miss until later than normal
Just my pov.
Start Button: 2:04
So basically leave the DA alone for a while and they'll give the AP what they want?
For a while....
Communication with a DA is always a one way conversation. Always a one way relationship. Trust me. They are so hard to love. I think that if they date or have a relationship, it's based on sex and physical attraction. Its so strong they'll bypass all their anxieties for that. Then other partner will get tired of their crap. When you make changes... Big Changes, they just don't care.
Can a relationship between a DA and AP actually work?
I actually believe it can. I’m the AP in the relationship and I’m with the stereotypical DA (she doesn’t know she is a DA) and I’ve learned a lot about myself and better self soothing. I still struggle every time she deactivates, but I have to remember it’s not personal and remember there are wounds deeper that she’s not ready to recognize yet.
The more understanding I’m able to show her, the easier it is for her to feel more comfortable about where she is.
I’ve been with her for almost 4 years and sometimes she deactivates REAL HARD! Lol But I just have to keep my cool and “do me”. It’s my chance to recenter myself too. So as much as I struggle, I will day they can work if you’re willing to put in work.
Ok, but why is it always on the AP to be the one to step out of their insecurities for the DA to be able to do their part?
Sometimes less in more. Shorten the videos and get to the steps. Too winded
And no one likes 3 minutes of lead-in advertising..save it for the end
You are speaking fast.It is very difficult to comprehend. If you slow down a little bit it is of course going to work better.
RUclips has a setting to change the playback speed, you can use that to make it slower:)
You talk far to fast !! it's difficult to follow and I disconnected .
Step 1: Find someone that isn't a DA. It's not worth it. No amount of beneficial outcome is worth the amount of dismissiveness you have to suffer to get there.
The avoidants are actually really really stupid people for real. You literally explain exactly what you need and their like ( uh Rocky road ice cream ).... idiots dude... don't waste your time with them... calling them avoidants is a nice way of identifying them as narcissist