Thank you for your humility & wisdom on this topic. More of teaching is needed nowadays as many wives & women don't understand this simple, effective tool to fulfill the marriage.
Great question! It's a protective mechanism and also cultural conditioning. Many women have never experienced true safety (from their fathers/families growing up or society in general), so they feel extremely anxious (often without realising it). Through controlling and criticising they try to control their environment and people around them. While this works to some degree it also prevents them from experiencing true connection and intimacy with men because this behaviour pushes men away and makes them close off. That again feels unsafe for women, so this behaviour creates a vicious cycle. Additionally, controlling and criticising gets modelled everywhere - from friends and family, on TV shows and movies, podcasts and RUclips videos. It's considered a "normal" female behaviour, so many women do not think about it at all. This is why I talk about it again and again because changing this caused the BIGGEST positive shift in my marriage but many women have no idea that this normalised behaviour causes so much damage! :)
@@veronikaamaya ……..Great question!........ Thanks. It was an honest inquiry. I really appreciate your response. = = = = = ….……..It's a protective mechanism and also cultural conditioning. Many women have never experienced true safety (from their fathers/families growing up or society in general), so they feel extremely anxious (often without realising it)………. If I recall the cases where a vvoman was known to have had a relatively distant relationship with their father, I see more clinginess (apparently, that is a word), than a need to control or hold superior ground over one’s partner. Something I see as a trend with more controlling individuals is where there is some dissatisfaction with their social status while growing up. So, not so much a feeling of not being protected (as in feeling safe), but more along not feeling socially admired (or missing out on things). The anxiety, yes. That seems to be a product of some sort of childhood trauma. But, less of a fear of abandonment or lack of protection. Being controlling seems to be compensation for the unsatisfactory experience of “missing out” on what peers had. = = = = = ………Through controlling and criticising they try to control their environment and people around them. While this works to some degree……… The critical eye, and over-guidance of one’s partner: Is that not more of projected disappointment in one’s social status? It’s a “we are not keeping up with the Jones”, or, “Why can’t you be cool, like that guy?” … more than … I need to have things “this way”. So… more a mitigation for feeling less appreciated by one’s peers, than, say, less protected. = = = = = ………….it also prevents them from experiencing true connection and intimacy with men because this behaviour pushes men away and makes them close off………… The behavior that makes men close off is probably more the “vvomen can never be wrong” belief, rather, than just being critical. Men generally do not mind being questioned on motives or actions, but will be completely avoidant of those who cannot have an honest discussion about the matter. Holding one’s tongue if one sees issues with one’s partner’s actions (or inactions) isn’t healthy. Constructive criticism helps the plaintiff as well as the party under scrutiny. The problem arises when the criticism is questioned resulting in all sorts of punitive responses (aka the defensive “SIGN” language of shaming, insults, guilt, and need-to-be-right). Most men don’t mind criticism, but it has to be a dialogue. Controlling: Men also do not mind relinquishing control… as long as she who assumes authority also accepts accountability. Of course, micro-managing is a whole level above being controlling. Chances are NO ONE likes to be micro-managed. = = = = = .………..That again feels unsafe for women, so this behaviour creates a vicious cycle……….. A vvoman will feel safe if she knows she has an adequate share of loyalty of her man (and that such a man has the ability to financially and physicaly protect her). I say, “adequate share” because many vvomen are happy to share a strong provider (yes, they share Alphas and Sigmas). VVomen are also generally good with letting that man be in control of things. *So, the critical and over-bearing control has to be driven more by a feeling of inadequacy of social status more than inadequacy of comfortable security. (We are not being viewed as high-status enough because of what you are doing or not doing).* = = = = = ……………Additionally, controlling and criticising gets modelled everywhere - from friends and family, on TV shows and movies, podcasts and RUclips videos. It's considered a "normal" female behaviour, so many women do not think about it at all. This is why I talk about it again and again because changing this caused the BIGGEST positive shift in my marriage but many women have no idea that this normalised behaviour causes so much damage!............. Yes, disrespectful behavior by vvomen (and in particular contempt towards men) is not only normalized, it is often applauded by the media. It allows those who have a penchant to not take personal responsibility for one’s station in life to rationalize that perceived deficiency as “the man’s fault”. Yes, a vvoman’s biggest ally, most fanatic fearless guard dog, and greatest fan, is that man who is by your side. Driving him away by a constant flow of unquestionable criticism is about as counter-productive as it gets. Yet, we should have a critical eye, and be allowed to voice grievances. We should also have a say in what things need to be achieved as well as the constraints (aka how to do it so, constraints are not violated). So, from a guy’s point of view, be critical, and voice your concerns on strategy and tactics. BUT (and this is a huge caveat), be prepared to have an open dialogue about the issues. Avoid getting personal. Avoid “SIGN” language. Not only will you get what you want, you will have the best boyfriend or husband anyone could ever want. …because really, a man’s greatest pleasure is to have his partner and family well provided for … it is in our nature. = = = = = ……. :) ……… Right back at you, my friend.😁 Feel free to disagree. Your input is appreciated. = = = = =
🦚Get my free E-Book: “The Secret Guide To Satisfying Relationships” - linktr.ee/Veronika_Amaya
I don't critasize or try to control my wife. But she constantly does it to me.
Thank you for your humility & wisdom on this topic. More of teaching is needed nowadays as many wives & women don't understand this simple, effective tool to fulfill the marriage.
So... why do some vvomen like to criticize and control? That is something we all need to understand.
Great question! It's a protective mechanism and also cultural conditioning. Many women have never experienced true safety (from their fathers/families growing up or society in general), so they feel extremely anxious (often without realising it). Through controlling and criticising they try to control their environment and people around them. While this works to some degree it also prevents them from experiencing true connection and intimacy with men because this behaviour pushes men away and makes them close off. That again feels unsafe for women, so this behaviour creates a vicious cycle. Additionally, controlling and criticising gets modelled everywhere - from friends and family, on TV shows and movies, podcasts and RUclips videos. It's considered a "normal" female behaviour, so many women do not think about it at all. This is why I talk about it again and again because changing this caused the BIGGEST positive shift in my marriage but many women have no idea that this normalised behaviour causes so much damage! :)
@@veronikaamaya ……..Great question!........
Thanks. It was an honest inquiry. I really appreciate your response.
= = = = =
….……..It's a protective mechanism and also cultural conditioning. Many women have never experienced true safety (from their fathers/families growing up or society in general), so they feel extremely anxious (often without realising it)……….
If I recall the cases where a vvoman was known to have had a relatively distant relationship with their father, I see more clinginess (apparently, that is a word), than a need to control or hold superior ground over one’s partner.
Something I see as a trend with more controlling individuals is where there is some dissatisfaction with their social status while growing up. So, not so much a feeling of not being protected (as in feeling safe), but more along not feeling socially admired (or missing out on things).
The anxiety, yes. That seems to be a product of some sort of childhood trauma. But, less of a fear of abandonment or lack of protection. Being controlling seems to be compensation for the unsatisfactory experience of “missing out” on what peers had.
= = = = =
………Through controlling and criticising they try to control their environment and people around them. While this works to some degree………
The critical eye, and over-guidance of one’s partner: Is that not more of projected disappointment in one’s social status? It’s a “we are not keeping up with the Jones”, or, “Why can’t you be cool, like that guy?” … more than … I need to have things “this way”. So… more a mitigation for feeling less appreciated by one’s peers, than, say, less protected.
= = = = =
………….it also prevents them from experiencing true connection and intimacy with men because this behaviour pushes men away and makes them close off…………
The behavior that makes men close off is probably more the “vvomen can never be wrong” belief, rather, than just being critical. Men generally do not mind being questioned on motives or actions, but will be completely avoidant of those who cannot have an honest discussion about the matter.
Holding one’s tongue if one sees issues with one’s partner’s actions (or inactions) isn’t healthy. Constructive criticism helps the plaintiff as well as the party under scrutiny. The problem arises when the criticism is questioned resulting in all sorts of punitive responses (aka the defensive “SIGN” language of shaming, insults, guilt, and need-to-be-right). Most men don’t mind criticism, but it has to be a dialogue.
Controlling: Men also do not mind relinquishing control… as long as she who assumes authority also accepts accountability. Of course, micro-managing is a whole level above being controlling. Chances are NO ONE likes to be micro-managed.
= = = = =
.………..That again feels unsafe for women, so this behaviour creates a vicious cycle………..
A vvoman will feel safe if she knows she has an adequate share of loyalty of her man (and that such a man has the ability to financially and physicaly protect her). I say, “adequate share” because many vvomen are happy to share a strong provider (yes, they share Alphas and Sigmas). VVomen are also generally good with letting that man be in control of things. *So, the critical and over-bearing control has to be driven more by a feeling of inadequacy of social status more than inadequacy of comfortable security. (We are not being viewed as high-status enough because of what you are doing or not doing).*
= = = = =
……………Additionally, controlling and criticising gets modelled everywhere - from friends and family, on TV shows and movies, podcasts and RUclips videos. It's considered a "normal" female behaviour, so many women do not think about it at all. This is why I talk about it again and again because changing this caused the BIGGEST positive shift in my marriage but many women have no idea that this normalised behaviour causes so much damage!.............
Yes, disrespectful behavior by vvomen (and in particular contempt towards men) is not only normalized, it is often applauded by the media. It allows those who have a penchant to not take personal responsibility for one’s station in life to rationalize that perceived deficiency as “the man’s fault”.
Yes, a vvoman’s biggest ally, most fanatic fearless guard dog, and greatest fan, is that man who is by your side. Driving him away by a constant flow of unquestionable criticism is about as counter-productive as it gets.
Yet, we should have a critical eye, and be allowed to voice grievances. We should also have a say in what things need to be achieved as well as the constraints (aka how to do it so, constraints are not violated).
So, from a guy’s point of view, be critical, and voice your concerns on strategy and tactics. BUT (and this is a huge caveat), be prepared to have an open dialogue about the issues. Avoid getting personal. Avoid “SIGN” language. Not only will you get what you want, you will have the best boyfriend or husband anyone could ever want. …because really, a man’s greatest pleasure is to have his partner and family well provided for … it is in our nature.
= = = = =
……. :) ………
Right back at you, my friend.😁 Feel free to disagree. Your input is appreciated.
= = = = =
Is that really possible for a woman to do?
Hi Leslie, How do you mean? :)