I broke up with my DA. I didn’t even know I was in a relationship anymore. 🤣 It was just a matter of speaking up about it. They went from love bombing me to texting me twice a week. The texts were on the surface and never asked how I was doing. The love bombing and fade away was very painful. It’s been one of the most traumatic experiences ever.
You are describing my marriage.. accept everything is my fault. I get the odd text when he feels like it. If I complain that it's not enough he starts blaming me for bombarding him, expecting too much and being toxic.
Avoidants are Fn crazy but if you haven't gone through the extreme whiplash before, you'll think YOU'RE crazy because who acts like that?? Never again. They should come with a health hazard label like on cigarettes.
@brennam954 lol. My estranged husband walks past me in the street, ignores me, has nothing to do with me and then messages me out of nowhere to tell me I treat him like shit and male his life difficult.... I'm not even in his life- he walked out and abandoned me nearly 2 years ago.
Mine started out saying he had walls up. That i would have to break them down. He said he had to go super slow. He did think that there should be zero conflicts. He always thought i was too sensitive. Was a nightmare. The push pull was painful.
A DA here. The DA behaviors described here exist in a spectrum and gradations. The traits are context and situation-sensitive. I felt a lack of emotional fulfillment, leading me to improve my relationships and learn from my mistakes well before I was aware of attachment styles. What I do is more typical of a DA person. The speaker is Coach Ryan ruclips.net/video/ouOB-S41kBw/видео.htmlsi=N077D6AIo3VgnWbP. Note that Ryan prefaces with saying *severely* dismissive-avoidant.
Im a dismissive avoidant, and I disagree with this creators ideas. I dont avoid disagreement. My caretakers never abused or neglected me, and I dont fear abandonment or feel unlovable. I simply get annoyed with overdramatic expression of emotion. I also see the world in shades of gray. I enjoy conflict because it allows space to grow. Im highly independent, need personal space, and have the ability to be autonomous. I dont bury my feelings so much as I prioritize logic and rationality/reality. I do avoid what I consider smothering and / or controlling/adversarial/competitive behaviors and expressions of emotions. I actually crave emotional attachment and often give more of myself to others than what is reciprocated. I know that I'm good enough for some other avoidant who's also looking for affection without the stress of constant need for validation and comfort.
Look up avoidant deactivation strategies and ask yourself if you do those things. If you are, there's a pretty good chance that you are doing them to yourself as much as you are to the other people in your life. Spend some time in self-reflection. It will probably hurt and be confusing at first, but your future self 20 years from now will thank you.
All of this!!!! 🙌🏻 This is spot on to my feelings exactly! I love that when a person can’t emotionally manipulate you they claim that you are the toxic one….🙄 I’m all for someone communicating with me about their needs and seeing if we can find a solution that works for everyone but please spare me the “gaslighting” that I’m in charge of someone else happiness (especially when half the people want to stay mad). Managing emotions is not something someone else should be doing for someone else! Emotions are subjective and happiness is a choice & personal responsibility. I love the entitlement of other people, claiming how selfish someone is because they cannot provide something for them that’s not begin produce for themselves. I’m an avoidant to drama and destructive people who try to control and manipulate! ✌🏻
You make DAs sound like Narcs. DAs do self reflect and are self aware though. They are like that because sometimes they had to hold all the responsibility in a dysfunctional family were emotions were chaotic. Yes you describe them but then how do you heal them is the question?
Not quite! There are some similarities but a narcissist has no remorse at all (not just hiding their shameful feelings like an avoidant), they purposely find out your vulnerabilities so they can control you later in the relationship by belittling you and then gaslighting you. I think the main difference is that a narcissist has no remorse and is trying to inflict pain to make themselves feel better (cos fundamentally they feel worthless) whereas an avoidant is trying to avoid their painful feelings to feel better, they aren’t trying to hurt anyone except protect themselves which actually just ends up hurting themselves more cos really they just want to be loved like the rest of us!
Narcs are users, they depend on others to get needs met like validation, attention, being assured that they are right and deserving. Narcs are entitled and don't care for boundaries of others, like your time and things are at their disposal. They dismiss others because they are better and other's anxiety and feelings don't count, only theirs. Covert think they've suffered more than you , therefore invalidate your feelings. Massive victim mentality. Dismissive avoidance is the opposite of this because they take care of their own needs and are independent. Narcissism and fearful avoidant style can exist simultaneously in the same individual though, that type that lovebombs you then acts all elusive, come and go, use and drop and hoover you back again.
@natali Narcs like conflict, they are also users. They are entitled (think they deserve more than others) and walk all over the boundaries of others. Narcs will dismiss and invalidate because they think they're better (grandiose) or that you couldn't possibly have suffered as much as them (covert). DA dismiss manipulation/perceived because they don't know if it's a narc they're dealing with or simply an anxious attached exaggerating.
People conflate them easily and it can be difficult to tell at the beginning, esp narc with FA attachment, because they can be very elusive and disappear (avoiding) but they'll soon be back to hoover you back in again (their emotional neediness).
I broke up with my DA. I didn’t even know I was in a relationship anymore. 🤣 It was just a matter of speaking up about it. They went from love bombing me to texting me twice a week. The texts were on the surface and never asked how I was doing. The love bombing and fade away was very painful. It’s been one of the most traumatic experiences ever.
You are describing my marriage.. accept everything is my fault.
I get the odd text when he feels like it.
If I complain that it's not enough he starts blaming me for bombarding him, expecting too much and being toxic.
Yes AWFUL! 5 years of push pull!
Avoidants are Fn crazy but if you haven't gone through the extreme whiplash before, you'll think YOU'RE crazy because who acts like that?? Never again. They should come with a health hazard label like on cigarettes.
@brennam954 lol. My estranged husband walks past me in the street, ignores me, has nothing to do with me and then messages me out of nowhere to tell me I treat him like shit and male his life difficult.... I'm not even in his life- he walked out and abandoned me nearly 2 years ago.
@@wizardofaus2985 Crazy. Just ignore.
Mine started out saying he had walls up. That i would have to break them down. He said he had to go super slow. He did think that there should be zero conflicts. He always thought i was too sensitive. Was a nightmare. The push pull was painful.
@ninajohnson8389 yes!!! My husband says a relationship should have no conflict
I can't belive i was putting with this crap. Great video.
You spot on! Exactly like my ex avoidant!
A DA here. The DA behaviors described here exist in a spectrum and gradations. The traits are context and situation-sensitive. I felt a lack of emotional fulfillment, leading me to improve my relationships and learn from my mistakes well before I was aware of attachment styles. What I do is more typical of a DA person. The speaker is Coach Ryan ruclips.net/video/ouOB-S41kBw/видео.htmlsi=N077D6AIo3VgnWbP. Note that Ryan prefaces with saying *severely* dismissive-avoidant.
Im a dismissive avoidant, and I disagree with this creators ideas. I dont avoid disagreement. My caretakers never abused or neglected me, and I dont fear abandonment or feel unlovable. I simply get annoyed with overdramatic expression of emotion. I also see the world in shades of gray. I enjoy conflict because it allows space to grow. Im highly independent, need personal space, and have the ability to be autonomous. I dont bury my feelings so much as I prioritize logic and rationality/reality. I do avoid what I consider smothering and / or controlling/adversarial/competitive behaviors and expressions of emotions. I actually crave emotional attachment and often give more of myself to others than what is reciprocated. I know that I'm good enough for some other avoidant who's also looking for affection without the stress of constant need for validation and comfort.
Toxic ..
@@naserdeen8210 Exactly! He just described everything that is wrong with avoidants in that response!
100%❤
Look up avoidant deactivation strategies and ask yourself if you do those things. If you are, there's a pretty good chance that you are doing them to yourself as much as you are to the other people in your life. Spend some time in self-reflection. It will probably hurt and be confusing at first, but your future self 20 years from now will thank you.
All of this!!!! 🙌🏻 This is spot on to my feelings exactly! I love that when a person can’t emotionally manipulate you they claim that you are the toxic one….🙄 I’m all for someone communicating with me about their needs and seeing if we can find a solution that works for everyone but please spare me the “gaslighting” that I’m in charge of someone else happiness (especially when half the people want to stay mad). Managing emotions is not something someone else should be doing for someone else! Emotions are subjective and happiness is a choice & personal responsibility. I love the entitlement of other people, claiming how selfish someone is because they cannot provide something for them that’s not begin produce for themselves. I’m an avoidant to drama and destructive people who try to control and manipulate! ✌🏻
You make DAs sound like Narcs. DAs do self reflect and are self aware though. They are like that because sometimes they had to hold all the responsibility in a dysfunctional family were emotions were chaotic. Yes you describe them but then how do you heal them is the question?
He described just an average woman.
Didn't you describe a narcissist?
Not quite! There are some similarities but a narcissist has no remorse at all (not just hiding their shameful feelings like an avoidant), they purposely find out your vulnerabilities so they can control you later in the relationship by belittling you and then gaslighting you. I think the main difference is that a narcissist has no remorse and is trying to inflict pain to make themselves feel better (cos fundamentally they feel worthless) whereas an avoidant is trying to avoid their painful feelings to feel better, they aren’t trying to hurt anyone except protect themselves which actually just ends up hurting themselves more cos really they just want to be loved like the rest of us!
No. A narcissist actively wants to manipulate and control others, and gets mad when they can't.
Narcs are users, they depend on others to get needs met like validation, attention, being assured that they are right and deserving. Narcs are entitled and don't care for boundaries of others, like your time and things are at their disposal. They dismiss others because they are better and other's anxiety and feelings don't count, only theirs. Covert think they've suffered more than you , therefore invalidate your feelings. Massive victim mentality. Dismissive avoidance is the opposite of this because they take care of their own needs and are independent. Narcissism and fearful avoidant style can exist simultaneously in the same individual though, that type that lovebombs you then acts all elusive, come and go, use and drop and hoover you back again.
@natali Narcs like conflict, they are also users. They are entitled (think they deserve more than others) and walk all over the boundaries of others. Narcs will dismiss and invalidate because they think they're better (grandiose) or that you couldn't possibly have suffered as much as them (covert). DA dismiss manipulation/perceived because they don't know if it's a narc they're dealing with or simply an anxious attached exaggerating.
People conflate them easily and it can be difficult to tell at the beginning, esp narc with FA attachment, because they can be very elusive and disappear (avoiding) but they'll soon be back to hoover you back in again (their emotional neediness).
Ok but ❤