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The more I heal from past abuses discussed in this video, the more intolerable it is for me to be around toxic people and situations. Amazingly, the good people who care like I do stand out more and more. 😊
Yeah, “they just care so much”... when really, that’s not what’s going on. Its not the action that defines the behavior, but rather its the reason/motivation for the action that defines the behavior.
"Oh, that seemed drastic. There must have been a really good reason why they'd do that to their kids." Like, why do folks want to justify awful things like there's a place for that?
@@ingerjakobsen711, one thing that makes it hard to learn is the difference in intensity. Abnormal behavior causes strong feelings, and normal and healthy behavior does not feel like much in comparison.
It's even worse when a child is isolated on purpose so they have no one to compare their family and its members to. I was told on an ongoing basis throughout life that all families have problems they just don't bring it up in professional or social settings because its shameful and abnormal. I actually believed it because I had no normal interaction with anyone outside my immediate family circle, no friends, no extended family, no healthy role models. It's hard to wake up in adulthood and realise everyone around isn't like me, in fact they are the total opposite. Things that we endure in a lifetime because of toxic people is sometimes extraordinarily unbelievable when you tell people.
I'm stunned. You've pretty much described my childhood and you related it so eloquently. The isolation, no_one outside my immediate family,no extended family,no friends, no healthy role models and the realisation in adulthood how different I was to others. Social interactions, were a nightmare and a huge learning curve. I ,for one, believe you.
My niece is experiencing this right now and I don't know how to help her. Her mother has isolated her from the healthy people in the family (I walked away from it all a few months ago. They are my in-laws.) The only way I can contact her is through her RUclips channel in the comments. The channel is actually under her mother's name. She is now in College and is 18 years old.
Yes! I absolutely relate to this. My family was exactly like that. No extended family though they lived locally, no friends, everything hidden or swept under the rug. It is completely bizarre to me that families do stuff together, talk to each other, and can rely on each other during hardships. Not me and not mine. So much of our lives was wrecked by these immature people who had no business having children.
My mom died in labor with me and my family blamed me being born for her death. Yep. Constant criticism, being mocked for not knowing things, control, blame, tough and conditional love, was normal. I never heard the info you share, so thank you.
Your mom would have wanted it that way moms do that I'm so sorry they don't know where to go with their pain I hope you find someone to talk to because there's good people out there
So sorry, you never deserved this, love and prayers and blessings for you! You deserve the best life possible ❤🙏Move forward and put these people behind you for your own well-being.
My narcissistic father is 88 years-old. I went no contact with him when he was 80 years-old because I realized he wasn't going to ever change and I care about myself too much to let myself be abused. He knows where I live and he tries to hoover me be stopping by and knocking on my door. I never answer the door if it's him. I realized he's not stopping by my place because he wants to establish a loving relationship, he's stopping by because he wants to establish control over me. There's no point in me talking to him because I know he's not going to care about what I have to say and will just invalidate and gaslight me. Sadly, it has to be that way, but I'm not going to try and change him because I know that's pointless.
my parents are 81 and 82 and I BEGGED AND PLEADED for about five years that they just hear my perspective. But no. They accused me of demonising them, but the opposite was true. I thought ''they're good people, eventually they will understand that I just want to be heard''. But no, they doubled down on their right to be ''hurt'' that I asked them to stop labelling me sensitive, emotional, angry. Their perspective is REALITY and if I don't accept that, I'm booted to the curb. Literally the only way back in now at this point would be to agree, ''yes, you're perfect and I'm crazy''. How could any sane person do that to themself?
I celebrate your decision to walk away when he was 80! I did not and lived a very painful last 8 years. Ever let them destroy my career. My bad choice now growing up and cleaning up the mess.
@@SusanaXpeace2u I wasted years of my life when my parents were in their 80s also trying to educate them on reality! They are so set in their views went down the rabbit hole getting ridiculous responses - irrational and senile. But I was on a mission to break through to them. No more - o contact for over a year and this is permanent. If we don't argue about how stupid and incompetent I am (educated, ex consultant and a CPA) and me defending myself against horrific verbal and emotional abuse we have nothing else to talk about! As Jerry says, what is the downside of walking away? NOTHING! NOTHING THERE.
@@Donkey1668 I never got complements either. Now in adult life when someone gives me a complement, I’ll say thank you but it is still so foreign nice but uncomfortable
Would it make you feel any better to know that your mother does not like / love your brother or the sil either. She outplays you against each other. A Narcissist can not be fond of anyone, what she is desperately trying is loving herself through your brother. As long as he will be her the flying monkey. If he would stop adoring her, you will witness revenge, quite the smeercampaigne and an obligatory victimhood along with heavy drug abuse, usually alcohol. Please take care and understand your brother is not loved either, but you both are manipulated to believe so.
I came home from school one day and my father started abusing me and hit me saying I upset him that morning and is why he fell of the garage roof while cleaning the gutters. That was over 40 years ago but this stuff sticks. Everything you said was my childhood.
Same experience here. I was made to keep my family dysfunction a secret as a child so my mother would look like the perfect mother to outsiders. My brothers either joined her in her abusive behavior or they looked the other way and excused it. She is always the victim. Now at age 66, I am still treated as the family scapegoat, the crazy and unstable one by my mother and my brothers, and everyone seems to buy it. I hope that anger is a healthy response to this treatment, because that's how I feel about the injustice of it all.
@ Isn’t it fun to be the crazy one just because you don’t act like the family super self? I was mad as hell for years. Now I look at how crazy they all were and wonder how I let myself be so trapped in the trauma bond. Be mad as hell and let it out as much as you need to.
@@PamelaHawkins-nc4sk, thank you! Every single number described my family, and after watching this video, I finally got it......and then got angry. I plan to channel my anger in positive ways by setting personal goals, strengthening my boundaries, and living life on my own terms from now on. ❤
Excusing their actions as, "Well, if you had my childhood you'd have something to complain about!" So, never mind the emotional neglect you suffered. The fact that you weren't sexually abused ( like I was) means you'd know what a truly abusive childhood really is.
Whew!!! I never met anyone else who got this treatment! For 50-something years I've gotten this, and still would be if I hadn't drastically reduced my contact with my sibs after mom died. Sadly, I have two nieces who are the oldest children and they always got the "you're too bossy because you're the oldest" treatment as well. My one nephew who's the oldest didn't get this, only the girls.
@cherylmockotr Careful, it morphs into you being the scapegoat for everyones problems while the elderly parents expect you to take care of them. And if you are hoping they will appreciate you now, think again. You will not be able to do ANYTHING right, the parents will bad-mouth you to your siblings and you will end up lucky to not be discarded. The reality is the harder you try to meet expectations the worse the situation becomes. It is a no-win situation. This family dynamic only gets worse, not better. I wish it had been better understood-explained years ago. Thank God, there are wonderful and committed professionals taking this topic on. Giving it a name is just part of the battle.
My mum used the silent treatment, blaming me for making her seem like a bad parent and acting the victim to paint me as the evil one whenever I tried to express the truth as I saw it or differentiate myself. She would never explain what I had done wrong but she always seemed angry at me. I made myself ill trying to make her happy and only gradually realised that her treatment of me was unfair until about five years ago, when the full shock of my place as the scapegoat in the family, the extent of the gaslighting and cruel emotional manipulation became clear and I felt like I was trying to melt an iceberg with a hairdryer. Slowly, slowly, my nervous system is coming back online out of the freeze response but the journey is long and arduous. Thank you for your wonderful videos, Jerry. I feel better knowing there are people out there who fully understand the subtle and coercive nature of covert narcissistic parenting and help shine the light on it ☀️🙏🏼
I can very much relate to the incessant playing the victim. There was lots of thrashing around and howling about big very special precious foot-stomping victimhoods when I would openly delight in being silent-treated, after I was independent as a young adult.
I went through that too. I was given silent treatments since 6 years old. If I didn’t play a game with her I would get silent treatments , i got blamed for things all of the time that I never did. As I got older and moved out the silent treatments continued and she expected me to do everything for her from weekly grocery shopping , take her to all her Dr appointments, get her meds , put her mail in mailbox , and had called me to her house to hang her pictures and shower curtains , change bulbs. Ridiculous. She isn’t disabled. She has no health condition that prevents her from driving or hanging her shower curtain. She is very manipulative and controlling. For YEARS I did all that stuff for her for sake of argument. Not anymore. I stopped. I’m on very low contact with her and I feel so much better. She is just a terrible person. To make all of this even more strange … she left her entire family and went NC at age 19. She is now almost 70. When she found out her mother passed and both of her sisters she acted shocked and said “ I can’t believe nobody in my family contacted me to let me know they passed “! I said “ you are the one who moved out of state and went NC for over 40 years and didn’t give any of them your address or number “ she said “ oh they could have found me “ then I said “ why would they , they prob thought you didn’t care anyways “! She looked stunned I said that but I just got so tired of her blaming everyone else for her doings.
My mom belittles me soooo often. And basically every time she sais something like " who will tell you, that you are lazy, childish, egoistic, if not me. I love you and that is why I tell you that. It is a sign that I care. "
I hear you. I just had a friend verbally attack me via text and tell me he was doing it because he "loved" me. It didn't feel like love or any type of care & concern. It felt like he was trying to tear me down in order to make himself look superior.
Wow. It's amazing that she can say that and not hear how off it sounds! My mother gave me the same messages but was far more subtle about it. She would bring up each of these points but do it in context, e.g. if I was late getting up for school she would tell me I need to stop being lazy when really it was her job to wake me up because I wasn't yet old enough to take that responsibility.
I got that too. Now, in my sixties, I refuse to tolerate that and nip it in the bud when my Mom starts. She does not like that, she’s in her 90s with dementia but a lifetime of catty meanness is just too much. If she’s not insulting me, she’s having a go at one of my three sisters. The two boys are Demi Gods. She started on my sister the last time and I actually stopped her by cutting her off and reprimanding her. Then I left.
@@cherylmockotr The funny thing with my mom is that she understands the situation. She said a couple of times directly: "You are extension of my ego" " When I die then you can start to live", but somehow in her head it is not completely horrendous, but normal. There is a joke about a boy, who is playing outside. Then mom calls him to come in. And he asks mom: " mommy am I hungry or do I have to pee". So my mom doesn't see that as a joke. In her head it is normal and how it should be.
Umph... Aaand another video from You where I can effortlessly tick ~90% of the boxes, without digging too deep into my childhood memories - Thank You for what you do, all this is immensely eye-opening for me!
I saw this video and, yet again, skipped over it thinking my mother was narcissistic but not THAT bad... now I'm watching and ticking all but one of these.
Here's a unique one my mom was too sick to do anything when did involved me my school or anything. She had breast cancer when I was 1 year old and had to get her left breast removed and almost died from an infection. So that was her reason for everything including not attending my high school graduation. But as soon as it was something she wanted to do it had to happen right then
This video hit hard for me…the part about normalizing the abnormal. My dad stayed in a marriage for years when he should’ve left her and took me with him, instead, he normalized a woman who beat her child daily, and drank heavily on a regular basis, and was suicidal, bipolar, and very destructive, both to herself and everyone around her. Thank you, Jerry, for highlighting what should be the obvious, but many of us were blind to them for so many years because of the circumstances we grew up and raised in.
Sorry to hear that this was your experience. While the details are particular to each situation, these general patterns of domination, control and terrorism are not uncommon, so there's some comfort in knowing we're never really as alone in this as we tend to assume. Life can still be wonderful.
@darrynreid4500life is indeed great. I’m married to a wonderful woman and we have two kids who I’m so proud of and are my entire world. I’m oversimplifying when I say that when it comes to parenting, I often just do the opposite of what my parents did, and while it may sound like a joke, it really isn’t. I’m surprised how many times by doing the opposite of what I know to be “normal,” turned out to be the best option that yielded healthy results.
@@ianyeh75 I'm glad to hear it. My experience is broadly similar: I'm very happily married, with one son who is 20 now (we lost our first child), and I suppose successful in terms of what matters to me in professional terms. The only times when I was truly miserable was occasionally when I had contact with the lunatics, and I just put a complete stop to it in the end.
After all that I have gone through along my life, I developed being terrified of men in general.. but if I’d go with a male therapist again to talk, I think I could feel kind of safe with mr. Jerry Wise. I want to be free.
And that parents leaving young children with the older siblings can be irresponsible when they have failed to realize those older siblings may be anti social or mentally ill and the reality is just simply not acknowledged. Abuse of defenseless young children can happen in this setting.
Jerry I've been listening to you for 2 years now , I am 62 and finally feel empowered. Thank you, I have clarity! Looking forward to future videos. I have healed because of you!
Jerry..Thanks. This was a super good explanation of the so called "normal" family behaviors. IMHO this a gold standard video. And I've listened to oh so many. Tempted to share, but no discussion/explanation has ever worked thus far to enlighten those in the dark. Leads to more conflict. Issues minimized or denied thus never any real accountability. Radical acceptance and distance for self preservation seems to be the best practice and path for peace.
My family ticks every single box of toxic. Narc mom, enabling dad. every single brother was a flying monkey of the narc.They all used the scapegoat for relief of agression, yours sincerely. For many years. Fortunately I realised their story and avoided each as far as possible, for the rest of my life .
I am finding that the power of the enmeshment in keeping me trapped is so great that the idea of not being enmeshed, because anything else is unknown, is so terrifying I find myself clinging onto it whilst trying to recover from it. Is this normal? It certainly feels awful, too much.
oh, the silent treatment. I tried to ask my mother not to keep labelling me ''sensitive''. She does this thing where she sends out ONE warning shot that the conversation is not going to happen and that you've been shut down. If you persist you will only get martyred silent treatment. So not only was I not heard, punished with silent treatment, but my father used to reprimand me for hurting mum. My attempts to question why the bit where I was hurt was skipped over never got through. FIVE YEARS NOW of silent treatments. Which my mother denies. Even though she has drafted her sisters in to give me the silent treatment too, she denies that she is giving me the silent treatment. The level of dysfunction is just horrendous. Five years ago, I just wanted to be heard and I thought that eventually they would see that they hadn't heard me, and that when they saw that, they'd want to hear me. I have been shocked by the level of dysfunction. Shocked and disappointed.
I'm dealing with this right now. I'm on the brink of homelessness and they are using all of these tactics to blame me. They aren't offering me a room to stay at their place. That's ok, once I find a place to live they are all getting cut off
I needed this video today., Jerry ❤ I am totally trying to keep my mother and aunts out of my business. I will let them know after I succeed…i do not want to hear their “helpful” “feedback” while trying to accomplish something. They have a way of making me feel bad and diminish my self confidence by acting like they are looking out for me. It is sick…. They do not know what I can do. You are the best Jerry!
Thank you Jerry I share this with my children as I know that I wasn’t a good mother and I would like to take the time to thank you for your hard work that will help build a Bridge back between my children and I
I got tired of trying to defend myself to the ridiculous. Spot on on everything you said. Professionals in the family court system fails to understand psychological abuse and how this effects whole families. Or maybe it's that they don't care because they have similar to worse issues. Thank you for pointing this bs out. 🙏
All the things you mentioned in this video, were things my narcissistic stepmom would do to me. She had no patience or empathy when dealing with me and my blindness or autism. But she was also this way to my dad as well. She was always angry at the dogs. She even had 0 patience with her own kids. Everyone else was to blame for her problems, but herself. I’m proud to say, I’m now living with my real mom, who loves me unconditionally. She wants me to be my true self. I also have a husband, who is also blind and autistic like me. We both had some traumas growing up. I’m in music therapy and talk therapy. I’m working to know what is real self love versus conditional self love. I’ve got this! I’m a survivor!
Jerry, your videos has given me the validation of what I knew as a child was wrong. I experienced all of what you talked about here. I stood my ground and did what I needed to self-differentiate. Going on 10+ years. My stepsister tried to tell me my deadbeat father's abandonment and neglect and lack of protection was okay and he "had problems". Then tried to guilt me with "honor thy mother and father" Bible verse and I told her that applies to normal families with healthy functioning parents, NOT deadbeats who abandon, neglect and abuse their children
I definitely heard I don’t want you getting a big head…the actual statement was, “it’s my job to keep you humble. “ awesome and she sure did. More than humble. Self deprecating. Shame if I was ever tempted to like myself or be proud of something I did.
The abusive ex husband who tells the prodigal daughter, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't Daddy's fault. Everything that happened to you is all Mommy's fault. No accountability.
Expected to care for siblings: i was tasked to babysit for my brother (who was golden)..and any of his friends that came over after school . Not a paying job either. They were pretty self sufficient playing in the dirt..or hot wheels. So they didnt deserve this - but one day I told them I was taking a shower. Went and turned on the shower, closed the door and left. Idr what I was going to go do...I think it was supposed to be a quick trip...but i guess it took a little longer...😅 the boys were ok. Prob didnt even notice. I think I was 12 going on 13. But I got to regularly revisit this memory often. Way past adulthood. I was SO undependable and SOO much trouble. As I always was expected to have a job and buy my own clothes. And I did. Every year of high school. I left at 17. There was no peace, comfort or love there for me.
All true, disrespectful & exhausting to be a family scapegoat. Gossiping, manipulation & control is a lust to my sister and mom, as they are bored backstabbers. Draining guilttrips acting to be ill as I am a truthteller. Didn't realize that mom being overcritical was a way of showing her love.❤🩹
This is very good. I was the oldest but I was only a year and a half older. I had to do all the cleaning up after we played, while my sister would keep playing. I tried to tell my mom it wasn’t fair but she got mad at me! I always had to be perfect, I didn’t dare to ask for a dolly for Christmas or to laugh and be silly like a little kid. I’m sad about the childhood I lost. My sister was always the “bad girl” but it was expected so she got away with everything,
I was the youngest and I was parentified, not that I was given authority to tell my sister things, but I was talked to about marital issues and issues relating to parenting my sister
Thank you so much sir for this I ve always known that what I went through in my childhood and teen days was not love but abuse and I'm trying by all means to do it my way
This behavior was every day up to the day I left for college. Frankly, I didn't know what to do with myself after I left, but I quickly learned there were lots of problems at home, primarily due to our mother's pathological, full-blown narcissism enabled by our passive father (afraid of the alienation, gaslighting and blackmail Mom dished out). Our mother was a paper effigy of what she should have been, and a fire-breathing dragon of what no mother should ever be.
It is impossible to quantify how much hurt and pain Jerry is saving people from by educating them on devrloping a self and firm boubdaries in their 20s, 30s and 40s. and going no cobtact when neccessary to stay focused on their purpose and life journey. Definitely beleive jerrys expertise should be required freshman year education in univerdities and community colleges and an offering in community adult education programs. We woukd have much healthier communiities and orgsnizations and futures generations!
Fear and revenge are my narc moms go to. If I don't do as she says she'll call cps. Over the years she's called them on me and my kids seven times. Never took my kids but it's very painful. Especially when there's absolutely no recorse
Jerry you are such a blessing! You have helped me to break away from my family of origin and begin my journey of self differentiation. What's more, I've been able to send your videos to a friend of mine that's struggling with this too. 😚🤗 can't thank you enough
I Still think your self differentiation tips are 10/10, spot on. Coming from a family that takes dysfunctionality to whole new levels you wouldn't believe, your differentiation tips help you realise how much you have recovered & what other areas in which you still need recovery.
Amazing tips, all of them except the parentification - I have experienced. I would welcome anyone that has experienced this to take advantage of the free training Jerry offers, very insightful and helpful tool to overcome the issues from growing up in a dysfunctional family.
All happened to me, l am 49 still fighting for my freedom even l am living another country. I am so grateful for the support you gave us by your videos.🙏🙏🙏🙏
Jerry, you never cease to amaze. I am not alone, your guidance has helped tremendously. You have confirmed and reaffirmed thoughts and actions and created wonderful insights for a past life and how to lead a better life through counselling and getting to know one's self. Your guidance is outstanding...at least for me.
Thank you for this extremely supportive and validating video Jerry. I have experienced almost all of what you have described. And with narcissists as your parents you are always in a lose-lose situation. It’s heartbreaking. There’s nothing you can do to stop this madness, you can only detach delicately and distance yourself from them emotionally, psychologically and physically if you can.
- 00:18 🛑 Abuse normalized: Narcissistic families may normalize abusive behaviors as "normal," affecting relationships and self-worth. - 01:12 💔 Criticism as love: Judgment and belittling are framed as "tough love," but real love builds rather than diminishes. - 01:45 🎭 Control as protection: Decisions like career or personal choices are controlled under the guise of protection, harming autonomy. - 02:13 🧊 Emotional neglect: Affection is withheld as "tough love," which creates emotional distance rather than resilience. - 02:32 🤯 Gaslighting normalized: Families enforce their perspective as the only valid one, leading to self-doubt. - 02:50 🧡 Conditional love: Love and approval depend on meeting expectations, instilling the harmful belief that love must be earned. - 03:12 🔄 Blame-shifting: Family members blame others for their emotions, placing unfair responsibility. - 03:47 🚧 Toxic loyalty: Boundaries are discouraged under the pretense of loyalty, leading to emotional enmeshment. - 04:21 🔓 Privacy invasion: Personal space is disregarded in the name of care, which is actually controlling behavior. - 04:54 🌀 Minimizing abuse: Abuse is trivialized as "family problems," avoiding accountability. - 05:44 🎯 Scapegoating: One family member is blamed to deflect from systemic issues, causing emotional harm. - 06:16 💪 Emotional abuse disguised: Yelling and ridicule are justified as preparation for the real world, damaging self-confidence. - 06:37 🌟 Achievements misused: Successes are claimed by parents or diminished to avoid granting personal recognition. - 07:21 🥇 Their needs first: Narcissistic families prioritize their desires, neglecting others’ emotional needs. - 07:40 🍼 Parentification: Children are burdened with adult responsibilities, denying them a proper childhood. - 08:35 🤐 Silent treatment: Families use silence as punishment, framing it as a lesson or cooling-off period. - 09:12 🌈 Gaslighting emotions: Expressing emotions is dismissed as overreacting, creating self-doubt. - 09:44 🧨 Blame for family issues: Parents avoid accountability by making children feel responsible for family problems. - 10:31 🔓 Breaking free: Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to breaking free and achieving self-differentiation. - 11:00 🔄 Normal vs. abnormal: Don’t apply normal rules to abnormal family dynamics; recognize toxic behavior. - 12:22 ✂️ Emotional detachment: Work on removing ingrained family patterns and choosing healthier beliefs. - 12:43 🌟 Free resource: Jerry offers free training on building the true self you were denied.
My "family" consisted of my mother, and sister 7 years older than me. My father had abused both of them before my mother divorced him. When I was a toddlar they thought it was such sport to catch me, or cause me to be in the throughs of decision and to get me to make the wrong one without actually telling me to. It was their vindictive way of telling themselves that my father couldn't produce a thinking male. They considered me a product of rape, and therefore inferior. Seventy years later I can still tend to second guess myself and make a wrong decision-for no real reason at all. Finally one day they showed my grandmother what fun they were having. And my grandmother informed them that that was a form of child abuse, and they stopped doing it.
59 and 7 day a week gym enthusiast and swimmer - the Trama I experienced the last 10 years when I decided to connect with my dysfunctional family before they died (thought they would have grown up) was so severe I still hold the Trama in my body. Feels like I am in a straight jacket. Exploring resources to release body trama. Escape goat - no possibility I will connect with them, ever.
Dear Jerry, how horrible, it makes me .... since its ALL exactly the same as you say... it's horrible... and it does not stop (i went nc, it's so so harsh to do), my partner cannot 'see'-understand it tho, and keeps visiting, so he sees me as not good person 'more' as well, what insanity how they can manipulate... 😢, hugs from Belgium to everyone in comparable istuations
FEAR...that was the biggest one my mother used...always wondered why I grew up fearing everything...my grandmother used to call me her little "scardy cat"...
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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The more I heal from past abuses discussed in this video, the more intolerable it is for me to be around toxic people and situations. Amazingly, the good people who care like I do stand out more and more. 😊
Same!!!!
Agreed!
:) That's seems like a healthy instinct to me...
As it should be.
Completely agree
And people who witness the control think the parent is "just over protective" and end up siding with them.
Dangerous scary situation for kids 💔
Then they do a gang attack and make you the so-called bad guy for the problem they started in the first place
Yeah, “they just care so much”... when really, that’s not what’s going on.
Its not the action that defines the behavior, but rather its the reason/motivation for the action that defines the behavior.
If you need protection from their "protection" they are the problem.
"Oh, that seemed drastic. There must have been a really good reason why they'd do that to their kids." Like, why do folks want to justify awful things like there's a place for that?
"Don't use normal rules for abnormal relationships" -
✨Gold✨
Those who live in abnormal conditions do not know what normal conditions are, even as adults.
@ingerjakobsen711 There is much distortion, that's for sure!
@@ingerjakobsen711, one thing that makes it hard to learn is the difference in intensity. Abnormal behavior causes strong feelings, and normal and healthy behavior does not feel like much in comparison.
It's even worse when a child is isolated on purpose so they have no one to compare their family and its members to. I was told on an ongoing basis throughout life that all families have problems they just don't bring it up in professional or social settings because its shameful and abnormal. I actually believed it because I had no normal interaction with anyone outside my immediate family circle, no friends, no extended family, no healthy role models. It's hard to wake up in adulthood and realise everyone around isn't like me, in fact they are the total opposite. Things that we endure in a lifetime because of toxic people is sometimes extraordinarily unbelievable when you tell people.
I'm stunned. You've pretty much described my childhood and you related it so eloquently. The isolation, no_one outside my immediate family,no extended family,no friends, no healthy role models and the realisation in adulthood how different I was to others. Social interactions, were a nightmare and a huge learning curve.
I ,for one, believe you.
My niece is experiencing this right now and I don't know how to help her. Her mother has isolated her from the healthy people in the family (I walked away from it all a few months ago. They are my in-laws.) The only way I can contact her is through her RUclips channel in the comments. The channel is actually under her mother's name. She is now in College and is 18 years old.
I believe you. All of it.
Wish you the best.
What you're describing is textbook rationalization.
Yes, yes, yes... alcoholism and rampant domestic violence are the norm- how dare we complain!
Yes! I absolutely relate to this. My family was exactly like that. No extended family though they lived locally, no friends, everything hidden or swept under the rug.
It is completely bizarre to me that families do stuff together, talk to each other, and can rely on each other during hardships. Not me and not mine.
So much of our lives was wrecked by these immature people who had no business having children.
You can not Honor the dishonorable.
This will stay with me, so good.
Yes! Thank you for sharing
Jerry, you took all the shit that was delt to you and you turned it into help, healing, and hope for anyone in a similar situation. Thank you!
Jerry you are wise. Yes they clothe abuse as normal. The darn gaslighting.
My mom died in labor with me and my family blamed me being born for her death. Yep. Constant criticism, being mocked for not knowing things, control, blame, tough and conditional love, was normal. I never heard the info you share, so thank you.
Your mom would have wanted it that way moms do that I'm so sorry they don't know where to go with their pain I hope you find someone to talk to because there's good people out there
So sorry, you never deserved this, love and prayers and blessings for you! You deserve the best life possible ❤🙏Move forward and put these people behind you for your own well-being.
That's absolutely horrible I'm so sorry
They’ve got serious issues not you, you are the normal one
My narcissistic father is 88 years-old. I went no contact with him when he was 80 years-old because I realized he wasn't going to ever change and I care about myself too much to let myself be abused. He knows where I live and he tries to hoover me be stopping by and knocking on my door. I never answer the door if it's him. I realized he's not stopping by my place because he wants to establish a loving relationship, he's stopping by because he wants to establish control over me. There's no point in me talking to him because I know he's not going to care about what I have to say and will just invalidate and gaslight me. Sadly, it has to be that way, but I'm not going to try and change him because I know that's pointless.
Here. 🎉 For your self-preservation. I'm aware it isn't easy to come by. ❤
my parents are 81 and 82 and I BEGGED AND PLEADED for about five years that they just hear my perspective. But no. They accused me of demonising them, but the opposite was true. I thought ''they're good people, eventually they will understand that I just want to be heard''. But no, they doubled down on their right to be ''hurt'' that I asked them to stop labelling me sensitive, emotional, angry. Their perspective is REALITY and if I don't accept that, I'm booted to the curb. Literally the only way back in now at this point would be to agree, ''yes, you're perfect and I'm crazy''. How could any sane person do that to themself?
I celebrate your decision to walk away when he was 80! I did not and lived a very painful last 8 years. Ever let them destroy my career. My bad choice now growing up and cleaning up the mess.
@@SusanaXpeace2u I wasted years of my life when my parents were in their 80s also trying to educate them on reality! They are so set in their views went down the rabbit hole getting ridiculous responses - irrational and senile. But I was on a mission to break through to them. No more - o contact for over a year and this is permanent. If we don't argue about how stupid and incompetent I am (educated, ex consultant and a CPA) and me defending myself against horrific verbal and emotional abuse we have nothing else to talk about! As Jerry says, what is the downside of walking away? NOTHING! NOTHING THERE.
I applaud your making this difficult but important decision...live free as yourself, authentically.
"They did the best they could" ... NO they did what was easiest for them ..
Yes I’m do sick to the back teeth of that line that I stay away from people who use it
If this then at their best then lord knows what they like at they worst 😂
I’ve never gotten a compliment from my mom. My brother and sister-in-law were constantly told how smart they were.
That's so hurtful & so common with narcs. The scapegoat & triangulation meant to isolate & control their target
My brother had mentors that I was unaware of growing up. He's an electrical engineer. I was just stupid and have autism.
@@Donkey1668 I never got complements either. Now in adult life when someone gives me a complement, I’ll say thank you but it is still so foreign nice but uncomfortable
I never got compliments either only negative criticism and put-downs.
Would it make you feel any better to know that your mother does not like / love your brother or the sil either. She outplays you against each other. A Narcissist can not be fond of anyone, what she is desperately trying is loving herself through your brother. As long as he will be her the flying monkey. If he would stop adoring her, you will witness revenge, quite the smeercampaigne and an obligatory victimhood along with heavy drug abuse, usually alcohol. Please take care and understand your brother is not loved either, but you both are manipulated to believe so.
I came home from school one day and my father started abusing me and hit me saying I upset him that morning and is why he fell of the garage roof while cleaning the gutters. That was over 40 years ago but this stuff sticks. Everything you said was my childhood.
😢❤
Being made the scapegoat to keep the peace. 100% my experience. I was told it was my job to keep the peace. Shut up and take everything.
Same experience here. I was made to keep my family dysfunction a secret as a child so my mother would look like the perfect mother to outsiders. My brothers either joined her in her abusive behavior or they looked the other way and excused it. She is always the victim. Now at age 66, I am still treated as the family scapegoat, the crazy and unstable one by my mother and my brothers, and everyone seems to buy it. I hope that anger is a healthy response to this treatment, because that's how I feel about the injustice of it all.
@ Isn’t it fun to be the crazy one just because you don’t act like the family super self? I was mad as hell for years. Now I look at how crazy they all were and wonder how I let myself be so trapped in the trauma bond. Be mad as hell and let it out as much as you need to.
@@PamelaHawkins-nc4sk, thank you! Every single number described my family, and after watching this video, I finally got it......and then got angry. I plan to channel my anger in positive ways by setting personal goals, strengthening my boundaries, and living life on my own terms from now on. ❤
Taught that putting up with and looking after others were normal. However i was not looked after.
It’s sinister manipulation
Excusing their actions as, "Well, if you had my childhood you'd have something to complain about!" So, never mind the emotional neglect you suffered. The fact that you weren't sexually abused ( like I was) means you'd know what a truly abusive childhood really is.
"You're the oldest, so you have to set the example, take care of siblings, ....(followed by)....you're NOT the boss"!
Whew!!! I never met anyone else who got this treatment! For 50-something years I've gotten this, and still would be if I hadn't drastically reduced my contact with my sibs after mom died. Sadly, I have two nieces who are the oldest children and they always got the "you're too bossy because you're the oldest" treatment as well. My one nephew who's the oldest didn't get this, only the girls.
@cherylmockotr Careful, it morphs into you being the scapegoat for everyones problems while the elderly parents expect you to take care of them. And if you are hoping they will appreciate you now, think again. You will not be able to do ANYTHING right, the parents will bad-mouth you to your siblings and you will end up lucky to not be discarded. The reality is the harder you try to meet expectations the worse the situation becomes.
It is a no-win situation. This family dynamic only gets worse, not better.
I wish it had been better understood-explained years ago. Thank God, there are wonderful and committed professionals taking this topic on.
Giving it a name is just part of the battle.
They hate the oldest for being born.
My mum used the silent treatment, blaming me for making her seem like a bad parent and acting the victim to paint me as the evil one whenever I tried to express the truth as I saw it or differentiate myself. She would never explain what I had done wrong but she always seemed angry at me. I made myself ill trying to make her happy and only gradually realised that her treatment of me was unfair until about five years ago, when the full shock of my place as the scapegoat in the family, the extent of the gaslighting and cruel emotional manipulation became clear and I felt like I was trying to melt an iceberg with a hairdryer.
Slowly, slowly, my nervous system is coming back online out of the freeze response but the journey is long and arduous.
Thank you for your wonderful videos, Jerry. I feel better knowing there are people out there who fully understand the subtle and coercive nature of covert narcissistic parenting and help shine the light on it ☀️🙏🏼
I can very much relate to the incessant playing the victim. There was lots of thrashing around and howling about big very special precious foot-stomping victimhoods when I would openly delight in being silent-treated, after I was independent as a young adult.
I went through that too. I was given silent treatments since 6 years old. If I didn’t play a game with her I would get silent treatments , i got blamed for things all of the time that I never did. As I got older and moved out the silent treatments continued and she expected me to do everything for her from weekly grocery shopping , take her to all her Dr appointments, get her meds , put her mail in mailbox , and had called me to her house to hang her pictures and shower curtains , change bulbs. Ridiculous. She isn’t disabled. She has no health condition that prevents her from driving or hanging her shower curtain. She is very manipulative and controlling. For YEARS I did all that stuff for her for sake of argument. Not anymore. I stopped. I’m on very low contact with her and I feel so much better. She is just a terrible person. To make all of this even more strange … she left her entire family and went NC at age 19. She is now almost 70. When she found out her mother passed and both of her sisters she acted shocked and said “ I can’t believe nobody in my family contacted me to let me know they passed “! I said “ you are the one who moved out of state and went NC for over 40 years and didn’t give any of them your address or number “ she said “ oh they could have found me “ then I said “ why would they , they prob thought you didn’t care anyways “! She looked stunned I said that but I just got so tired of her blaming everyone else for her doings.
I too relate.
• Real Love: Builds you up❤
My mom belittles me soooo often. And basically every time she sais something like " who will tell you, that you are lazy, childish, egoistic, if not me. I love you and that is why I tell you that. It is a sign that I care. "
I hear you. I just had a friend verbally attack me via text and tell me he was doing it because he "loved" me. It didn't feel like love or any type of care & concern. It felt like he was trying to tear me down in order to make himself look superior.
Wow. It's amazing that she can say that and not hear how off it sounds! My mother gave me the same messages but was far more subtle about it. She would bring up each of these points but do it in context, e.g. if I was late getting up for school she would tell me I need to stop being lazy when really it was her job to wake me up because I wasn't yet old enough to take that responsibility.
I got that too. Now, in my sixties, I refuse to tolerate that and nip it in the bud when my Mom starts. She does not like that, she’s in her 90s with dementia but a lifetime of catty meanness is just too much. If she’s not insulting me, she’s having a go at one of my three sisters. The two boys are Demi Gods. She started on my sister the last time and I actually stopped her by cutting her off and reprimanding her. Then I left.
@@cherylmockotr The funny thing with my mom is that she understands the situation. She said a couple of times directly: "You are extension of my ego" " When I die then you can start to live", but somehow in her head it is not completely horrendous, but normal. There is a joke about a boy, who is playing outside. Then mom calls him to come in. And he asks mom: " mommy am I hungry or do I have to pee". So my mom doesn't see that as a joke. In her head it is normal and how it should be.
Thank you! You just nailed my life with impeccable precision in 13 minutes.
Umph... Aaand another video from You where I can effortlessly tick ~90% of the boxes, without digging too deep into my childhood memories - Thank You for what you do, all this is immensely eye-opening for me!
Same here...
@raaaaadja99 sending you lots of Love. Your presence is appreciated. You are important. Thank you for being here, inspite of it all. 🫂
I saw this video and, yet again, skipped over it thinking my mother was narcissistic but not THAT bad... now I'm watching and ticking all but one of these.
I suffered from all these abusive tactics in my narcissistic family of origin unfortunately.
Here's a unique one my mom was too sick to do anything when did involved me my school or anything. She had breast cancer when I was 1 year old and had to get her left breast removed and almost died from an infection. So that was her reason for everything including not attending my high school graduation. But as soon as it was something she wanted to do it had to happen right then
This video hit hard for me…the part about normalizing the abnormal. My dad stayed in a marriage for years when he should’ve left her and took me with him, instead, he normalized a woman who beat her child daily, and drank heavily on a regular basis, and was suicidal, bipolar, and very destructive, both to herself and everyone around her.
Thank you, Jerry, for highlighting what should be the obvious, but many of us were blind to them for so many years because of the circumstances we grew up and raised in.
Sorry to hear that this was your experience. While the details are particular to each situation, these general patterns of domination, control and terrorism are not uncommon, so there's some comfort in knowing we're never really as alone in this as we tend to assume. Life can still be wonderful.
@darrynreid4500life is indeed great. I’m married to a wonderful woman and we have two kids who I’m so proud of and are my entire world. I’m oversimplifying when I say that when it comes to parenting, I often just do the opposite of what my parents did, and while it may sound like a joke, it really isn’t. I’m surprised how many times by doing the opposite of what I know to be “normal,” turned out to be the best option that yielded healthy results.
@@ianyeh75 I'm glad to hear it. My experience is broadly similar: I'm very happily married, with one son who is 20 now (we lost our first child), and I suppose successful in terms of what matters to me in professional terms. The only times when I was truly miserable was occasionally when I had contact with the lunatics, and I just put a complete stop to it in the end.
@darrynreid4500
"... domination, control, and terrorism ..."
That's about the best description I've ever heard of my father's attitude towards me.
@@marelinem541 Thanks, and I'm glad it was useful. Mine too, with a kind of underhanded snivelling cowardice to the programme.
After all that I have gone through along my life, I developed being terrified of men in general.. but if I’d go with a male therapist again to talk, I think I could feel kind of safe with mr. Jerry Wise.
I want to be free.
And that parents leaving young children with the older siblings can be irresponsible when they have failed to realize those older siblings may be anti social or mentally ill and the reality is just simply not acknowledged. Abuse of defenseless young children can happen in this setting.
How true. Totally ignoring the abuse the older is perpetrating on younger siblings - giving the elder sibling free rein.
Jerry I've been listening to you for 2 years now , I am 62 and finally feel empowered. Thank you, I have clarity! Looking forward to future videos. I have healed because of you!
Your videos are invaluable. Thank you.
Spot on! ✔️
When I told my mother how I had been abused by narcissistic husband, she remarked, I bet you thought we were stupid.
WTF?
awful
Jerry..Thanks. This was a super good explanation of the so called "normal" family behaviors. IMHO this a gold standard video. And I've listened to oh so many. Tempted to share, but no discussion/explanation has ever worked thus far to enlighten those in the dark. Leads to more conflict. Issues minimized or denied thus never any real accountability. Radical acceptance and distance for self preservation seems to be the best practice and path for peace.
My family ticks every single box of toxic. Narc mom, enabling dad. every single brother was a flying monkey of the narc.They all used the scapegoat for relief of agression, yours sincerely. For many years. Fortunately I realised their story and avoided each as far as possible, for the rest of my life .
Its a work in progress. I'm mindful of the emotional abuse, physical abuse. Siblings fighting...
I am finding that the power of the enmeshment in keeping me trapped is so great that the idea of not being enmeshed, because anything else is unknown, is so terrifying I find myself clinging onto it whilst trying to recover from it. Is this normal? It certainly feels awful, too much.
That's what was done to me, denial of reality. It made no sense to ignore the obvious but that's what they did.
wow, once again right on point, we didn't know any better we trusted these adults knew what they were doing, great information, thanks
❤❤❤ Jerry you're a lighthouse for us all - thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏼
Well done as always
I just walked away from a job role when I realised a malignant narcissistic set up
Not giving them any more of my energy
Thank you Jerry. This is so good and so clear.
Dont use normal rules for abnormal relationships is super helpful.
oh, the silent treatment. I tried to ask my mother not to keep labelling me ''sensitive''. She does this thing where she sends out ONE warning shot that the conversation is not going to happen and that you've been shut down. If you persist you will only get martyred silent treatment. So not only was I not heard, punished with silent treatment, but my father used to reprimand me for hurting mum. My attempts to question why the bit where I was hurt was skipped over never got through. FIVE YEARS NOW of silent treatments. Which my mother denies. Even though she has drafted her sisters in to give me the silent treatment too, she denies that she is giving me the silent treatment. The level of dysfunction is just horrendous. Five years ago, I just wanted to be heard and I thought that eventually they would see that they hadn't heard me, and that when they saw that, they'd want to hear me. I have been shocked by the level of dysfunction. Shocked and disappointed.
I'm dealing with this right now. I'm on the brink of homelessness and they are using all of these tactics to blame me. They aren't offering me a room to stay at their place. That's ok, once I find a place to live they are all getting cut off
For me Jerry’s a reminder that I have to break the abusive cycle!
The more I watch the video the more I can relate to it!
I needed this video today., Jerry ❤ I am totally trying to keep my mother and aunts out of my business. I will let them know after I succeed…i do not want to hear their “helpful” “feedback” while trying to accomplish something. They have a way of making me feel bad and diminish my self confidence by acting like they are looking out for me. It is sick…. They do not know what I can do.
You are the best Jerry!
Thank you! I was struggling with the” love thy mother”clause in my situation.
Great as always, exactly 👍
Demanding loyalty of me when they wanna verbally and physically abuse me however they want. I don't need anyone family or not like that.
Thank you Jerry I share this with my children as I know that I wasn’t a good mother and I would like to take the time to thank you for your hard work that will help build a Bridge back between my children and I
Thank you so much I have never heard any one explain this in a way I can understand what really was happening. Now I know. Thanks
I got tired of trying to defend myself to the ridiculous. Spot on on everything you said. Professionals in the family court system fails to understand psychological abuse and how this effects whole families. Or maybe it's that they don't care because they have similar to worse issues. Thank you for pointing this bs out. 🙏
Wow! I can relate to this fully. All of it. Wow.
All the things you mentioned in this video, were things my narcissistic stepmom would do to me. She had no patience or empathy when dealing with me and my blindness or autism. But she was also this way to my dad as well. She was always angry at the dogs. She even had 0 patience with her own kids. Everyone else was to blame for her problems, but herself. I’m proud to say, I’m now living with my real mom, who loves me unconditionally. She wants me to be my true self. I also have a husband, who is also blind and autistic like me. We both had some traumas growing up. I’m in music therapy and talk therapy. I’m working to know what is real self love versus conditional self love. I’ve got this! I’m a survivor!
Yes, you are. Nice work. Sending you lots of Love.
Jerry, your videos has given me the validation of what I knew as a child was wrong. I experienced all of what you talked about here.
I stood my ground and did what I needed to self-differentiate. Going on 10+ years. My stepsister tried to tell me my deadbeat father's abandonment and neglect and lack of protection was okay and he "had problems". Then tried to guilt me with "honor thy mother and father" Bible verse and I told her that applies to normal families with healthy functioning parents, NOT deadbeats who abandon, neglect and abuse their children
I definitely heard I don’t want you getting a big head…the actual statement was, “it’s my job to keep you humble. “ awesome and she sure did. More than humble. Self deprecating. Shame if I was ever tempted to like myself or be proud of something I did.
Please address “Reactive Abuse” TY!
The abusive ex husband who tells the prodigal daughter, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't Daddy's fault. Everything that happened to you is all Mommy's fault. No accountability.
This is for your own good.
Expected to care for siblings: i was tasked to babysit for my brother (who was golden)..and any of his friends that came over after school . Not a paying job either. They were pretty self sufficient playing in the dirt..or hot wheels. So they didnt deserve this - but one day I told them I was taking a shower. Went and turned on the shower, closed the door and left. Idr what I was going to go do...I think it was supposed to be a quick trip...but i guess it took a little longer...😅 the boys were ok. Prob didnt even notice. I think I was 12 going on 13. But I got to regularly revisit this memory often. Way past adulthood. I was SO undependable and SOO much trouble. As I always was expected to have a job and buy my own clothes. And I did. Every year of high school. I left at 17. There was no peace, comfort or love there for me.
All true, disrespectful & exhausting to be a family scapegoat. Gossiping, manipulation & control is a lust to my sister and mom, as they are bored backstabbers. Draining guilttrips acting to be ill as I am a truthteller. Didn't realize that mom being overcritical was a way of showing her love.❤🩹
O.M.G. Keep ‘em coming, Mr. Wise. This video is just what I needed to hear right now. 🙏🏻
Mom would sing 🎶 "You always hurt the one you love!' 🎶, weird, yrs later I learn that that's because no one else cares (makes more sense).
This is very good. I was the oldest but I was only a year and a half older. I had to do all the cleaning up after we played, while my sister would keep playing. I tried to tell my mom it wasn’t fair but she got mad at me! I always had to be perfect, I didn’t dare to ask for a dolly for Christmas or to laugh and be silly like a little kid. I’m sad about the childhood I lost. My sister was always the “bad girl” but it was expected so she got away with everything,
This might be your best video and I have studied (not just watched) probably more than half of them. You are doing so much good in this world!
I was the scapegoat thanks to my mother and again by my ex. This is so enlightening. I am so healing from the narc ways.
I was the youngest and I was parentified, not that I was given authority to tell my sister things, but I was talked to about marital issues and issues relating to parenting my sister
Thank you so much sir for this I ve always known that what I went through in my childhood and teen days was not love but abuse and I'm trying by all means to do it my way
This was definitely therapy for me today. I am stunned. Wow. Holy cow 😮
This behavior was every day up to the day I left for college. Frankly, I didn't know what to do with myself after I left, but I quickly learned there were lots of problems at home, primarily due to our mother's pathological, full-blown narcissism enabled by our passive father (afraid of the alienation, gaslighting and blackmail Mom dished out). Our mother was a paper effigy of what she should have been, and a fire-breathing dragon of what no mother should ever be.
It is impossible to quantify how much hurt and pain Jerry is saving people from by educating them on devrloping a self and firm boubdaries in their 20s, 30s and 40s. and going no cobtact when neccessary to stay focused on their purpose and life journey. Definitely beleive jerrys expertise should be required freshman year education in univerdities and community colleges and an offering in community adult education programs. We woukd have much healthier communiities and orgsnizations and futures generations!
Fear and revenge are my narc moms go to. If I don't do as she says she'll call cps. Over the years she's called them on me and my kids seven times. Never took my kids but it's very painful. Especially when there's absolutely no recorse
Hopefully she doesn't enjoy any credibility with CPS now
So true💯
Jerry you are such a blessing! You have helped me to break away from my family of origin and begin my journey of self differentiation. What's more, I've been able to send your videos to a friend of mine that's struggling with this too. 😚🤗 can't thank you enough
My mother 100 %
I Still think your self differentiation tips are 10/10, spot on. Coming from a family that takes dysfunctionality to whole new levels you wouldn't believe, your differentiation tips help you realise how much you have recovered & what other areas in which you still need recovery.
Amazing tips, all of them except the parentification - I have experienced. I would welcome anyone that has experienced this to take advantage of the free training Jerry offers, very insightful and helpful tool to overcome the issues from growing up in a dysfunctional family.
All happened to me, l am 49 still fighting for my freedom even l am living another country. I am so grateful for the support you gave us by your videos.🙏🙏🙏🙏
Ty for this! 🙏🤗
I'm using it as a reminder I don't have brace myself for these behaviors, but practice setting boundaries against them.
Great video, once again. I save these videos Jerry so i can watch them over and over. My parents behaviors, precisely. So toxic. Thank you
Sing it, Jerry. So appreciate your videos.
Jerry, you never cease to amaze. I am not alone, your guidance has helped tremendously. You have confirmed and reaffirmed thoughts and actions and created wonderful insights for a past life and how to lead a better life through counselling and getting to know one's self. Your guidance is outstanding...at least for me.
This is so true. As they grow older they become more malignant and psychotic. Beware, their actions and intentions.
Thanks for your great job.🙏🙏💟
thankyou 🙏
Thank you for this extremely supportive and validating video Jerry. I have experienced almost all of what you have described. And with narcissists as your parents you are always in a lose-lose situation. It’s heartbreaking. There’s nothing you can do to stop this madness, you can only detach delicately and distance yourself from them emotionally, psychologically and physically if you can.
Thank you! 🙏
"Tame them"... the way I heard it was "pop your bubble". If I was ever hopeful or optimistic about anything or anything opportunity for myself.
Thank You for what you do.
- 00:18 🛑 Abuse normalized: Narcissistic families may normalize abusive behaviors as "normal," affecting relationships and self-worth.
- 01:12 💔 Criticism as love: Judgment and belittling are framed as "tough love," but real love builds rather than diminishes.
- 01:45 🎭 Control as protection: Decisions like career or personal choices are controlled under the guise of protection, harming autonomy.
- 02:13 🧊 Emotional neglect: Affection is withheld as "tough love," which creates emotional distance rather than resilience.
- 02:32 🤯 Gaslighting normalized: Families enforce their perspective as the only valid one, leading to self-doubt.
- 02:50 🧡 Conditional love: Love and approval depend on meeting expectations, instilling the harmful belief that love must be earned.
- 03:12 🔄 Blame-shifting: Family members blame others for their emotions, placing unfair responsibility.
- 03:47 🚧 Toxic loyalty: Boundaries are discouraged under the pretense of loyalty, leading to emotional enmeshment.
- 04:21 🔓 Privacy invasion: Personal space is disregarded in the name of care, which is actually controlling behavior.
- 04:54 🌀 Minimizing abuse: Abuse is trivialized as "family problems," avoiding accountability.
- 05:44 🎯 Scapegoating: One family member is blamed to deflect from systemic issues, causing emotional harm.
- 06:16 💪 Emotional abuse disguised: Yelling and ridicule are justified as preparation for the real world, damaging self-confidence.
- 06:37 🌟 Achievements misused: Successes are claimed by parents or diminished to avoid granting personal recognition.
- 07:21 🥇 Their needs first: Narcissistic families prioritize their desires, neglecting others’ emotional needs.
- 07:40 🍼 Parentification: Children are burdened with adult responsibilities, denying them a proper childhood.
- 08:35 🤐 Silent treatment: Families use silence as punishment, framing it as a lesson or cooling-off period.
- 09:12 🌈 Gaslighting emotions: Expressing emotions is dismissed as overreacting, creating self-doubt.
- 09:44 🧨 Blame for family issues: Parents avoid accountability by making children feel responsible for family problems.
- 10:31 🔓 Breaking free: Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to breaking free and achieving self-differentiation.
- 11:00 🔄 Normal vs. abnormal: Don’t apply normal rules to abnormal family dynamics; recognize toxic behavior.
- 12:22 ✂️ Emotional detachment: Work on removing ingrained family patterns and choosing healthier beliefs.
- 12:43 🌟 Free resource: Jerry offers free training on building the true self you were denied.
Appreciate it.
@@jerrywise Thank you. You have some of the most useful videos on RUclips.
My "family" consisted of my mother, and sister 7 years older than me. My father had abused both of them before my mother divorced him. When I was a toddlar they thought it was such sport to catch me, or cause me to be in the throughs of decision and to get me to make the wrong one without actually telling me to. It was their vindictive way of telling themselves that my father couldn't produce a thinking male. They considered me a product of rape, and therefore inferior. Seventy years later I can still tend to second guess myself and make a wrong decision-for no real reason at all. Finally one day they showed my grandmother what fun they were having. And my grandmother informed them that that was a form of child abuse, and they stopped doing it.
Yes it is not normal. This was horrible. Abuse is never okay
Absolutely true❤
59 and 7 day a week gym enthusiast and swimmer - the Trama I experienced the last 10 years when I decided to connect with my dysfunctional family before they died (thought they would have grown up) was so severe I still hold the Trama in my body. Feels like I am in a straight jacket. Exploring resources to release body trama. Escape goat - no possibility I will connect with them, ever.
Dear Jerry, how horrible, it makes me .... since its ALL exactly the same as you say... it's horrible... and it does not stop (i went nc, it's so so harsh to do), my partner cannot 'see'-understand it tho, and keeps visiting, so he sees me as not good person 'more' as well, what insanity how they can manipulate... 😢, hugs from Belgium to everyone in comparable istuations
Great video. Informative, deep and to the point. Thank you so much.
Your videos make so good and validated. It's exactly like that. Thanks Jerry 😊
My ex wife did all of these. And she was very very clingy to her family which only reinforced these behaviors.
FEAR...that was the biggest one my mother used...always wondered why I grew up fearing everything...my grandmother used to call me her little "scardy cat"...
Revolting individuals
Yes, I grew up in fear
Great work Jerry thank you 😊