I engaged with a FA. It's been off and on, hot and cold for about 5 years now. I walked away 8 months ago,been no contact. What's hard for me to understand is how he claimed to care about me and how perfect we were for one another yet he can't talk about his feelings/emotions nor can he contact me to let me know what's on his mind.
I realize my ex may be a FA. He pulled a discard when things were going great and the relationship was healthy. I did everything they tell you to do. No contact, work on yourself, everything. In watching this though…I realize I’m not a mind reader. He knows I love him but at the end of the day he ended things and there is no way for me to know if he wants me to reach out yet or if he needs more time. If it’s too soon it gets worse, if it’s too late it gets worse. Unless he can take a step, since he was the dumper, I can’t do anything. I think if they are FA, no matter how much you love them, you have to just let them go. It’s a loose, loose if you make the wrong choice and you just end up hurting yourself more. It’s an impossible situation unless they can own up even in a small way to repair. The FA expects you to have some type of super powers that are not possible. I love him very much but I just have to accept his choice. It hurts. I don’t know that he realizes just how much it hurts and how much I wish we could repair things but the expectations of FA to read their minds with little to no help is not humanly possible.
It’s taken me 4 years to go no contact with my sweet FA (lol) but he treated me so indifferently last time that it just cut my heart into pieces. A switch flipped and I then couldn’t see beyond a selfish, cruel, indecisive man-child so I simply stopped responding to him. There was nothing left to say after how he behaved. He said he had issues but would never talk to me about them or attempt to fix them and he would promise to take me to places or do things that mostly never happened. It would be going really well occasionally but as soon as he sensed I was getting happy or we were getting closer he would pull away and hurt me more each time. Then obviously not quite want to be without me so throws breadcrumbs and I got stuck in the cycle. That last time was like a death though; I just had nothing left to give and no longer any respect for him. He can stay stuck if he wants but I’m working on moving on 😊❤
Last on and off relationship really messed me up emotionally. I did a lot of work and learning about attachments, traumas, communication, psychology. But at this point I'm not sure if I have grown or I'm just more traumatized by this. Lol
She was definitely more in an avoidant side when she initially reached out. I wanted to see her but it was too soon and I pushed her back again unintentionally. I let her know i care unconditonally and the best way to show that was to honor her space however long it takes. I love her very much and hope she allows my love one day but i want her to be happy so i went back to no contact. We had some really deep connection points and life got really scary for both of us in our own lives. I had to settle a lot of stuff in my own life so i could regain my secure lifestyle. She's an amazing woman and I love her for who she is.
I agree. I am healing from AA becoming more secure after 3 years of working on myself but most of the guys I dated have been DA and most recently FA so I am leaning FA now as a secondary style. I dated a couple more secure guys and it was definitely easier to navigate but yet I am still single😅
I still have to talk to mine because we had an apartment together ( he randomly broke up with me after a small disagreement ) so I think it’s so hard to figure it out. He still tries to text me causally but will shut down at anything emotional now .
I broke no contact after 3 weeks and after a couple days of warming her up and picking up where we left off, I decided it was time to ask to meet up to make amends. After 3 unsuccessful attempts to make plans (she was being dodgy with the actual meetup times, acting like she was interested but never could commit to anything), I figured it was best to give her space as I believe I overwhelmed her with wanting to meet up so soon. Thoughts?
as an FA I do know I'm a huge part of the problem but I don't see anything as repairable. if I try to break up, it's because I don't feel safe, and usually because I'm scared of being hurt. If you decide to go no contact with me, I'm gone. you've just proved me right.
It's MATURITY to communicate. Learning communication skills to be able to compromise and repair relationships is THE skill FAs don't have. So they are in a cycle of NEVER healing their trauma of their childhood of wanting to connect yet pushing people away. Its the choice to do work
Am FA and I have never gone back to any of my exes,once you hurt me that's it for me, if I walk away from someone it's because I don't feel safe with that person mostly because I overthink and could make assumptions based off that over using logic but then again,if I feel like this,am mostly right about that person times shows me that. If a person goes no contact with me if I care I will reach out once or twice,if I don't get a response you don't exist to me,and don't try to reach out later I will never respond or let you back in my life.
@@Karmaman777 I agree that communication is important,open and honest communication,but trust me you'd be surprised how many people claim to want that but can't handle it. I think me personally as an F.A I need to give people grace as they are human too,and I can't always view the world in the black and white lense. I am sure if I did that back then, I'd be married by now. I am working on myself and hopefully one day get to the onset end of the tunnel.
Broke up 6 months ago, wanted to level up the relationship by getting married. Her family didn’t approve. My ex went from saying I’ll fight for us to 3 months later saying move on and I feel like she used resent to get over me. She used such petty reasons to say why it wouldn’t work. It’s now almost been 3 months of NC since we last spoke and she told me to move on and respect her decision. Is it truly done now? I still feel like it’s blindsighted and I’m still falling
found out the person i was with for three years got a new girlfriend while we were taking a break. we still spoke almost everyday and would still say we love each other and talk about our future, but the other day i found about his new girlfriend when i called his phone and she answered. he didnt call me until the next day to say he had a girlfriend now but he still wanted to be friends. i blocked him on everything but im just confused and hurt and trying to find answers. we share cats and i have my belongings in a storage unit we share. he refused to let me get my things from the storage bc its in his name, but this was before i even knew about the girlfriend. Is there any explanation for his actions? I will say his mom passed 4 months ago, we took a break two months ago, now he has a girlfriend.
i should also mention one of the boundaries i set during our break was that we would specifically not see other people and we would eventually get back together.
My FA ghosted me while I was in the hospital having minor surgery. No argument. Nothing I can. that triggered it. No contact seems my best option. Comments?
I really screwed up with the videos that said go no contact for as long as they reach out first. I lasted 5 months till i had to reach out. It was way too late. She was totally checked out. Now i have no chance. Im very remorseful.
If you truly love her, show her,show her you are remoseful. Am F.A myself and doing the work,we will erase you from our existence once the contact is off for too long.
@aselyne5631 thank you. Believe me, I tried. I was not perfect and I genuinely expressed how I understand more. But her leaving so suddenly and wanting marriage, kids home together. She had an ex she really loved years ago. She never erased him, I'm hoping she doesn't with me.
@@droflivelife Hold on, so you were not good to her, but expected her to give you a warning sign that she's leaving you? Come on now, even you get serious?
@aselyne5631 when did I say I was not good to her? I treated her like a queen. If anything I was too good. I even ignored her texting guys behind my back, so called friends and inappropriate behaviour hoping one day she will stop. I gave her everything I could and I still blamed myself for a lot of things. So all I said was I'll try be even better in any way she wanted me. But nothing and noone is good enough if she runs away each time it gets serious.
@@droflivelife You said you were not perfect so I am trying to understand in what ways. Honestly if that how she behaves with you then she is definitely the problem is very disrespectful. Why do you even want her back?
I reached out to my FA after she Blindsided me. I reached out during the third week after the BU, but i felt her cold and distant. So i went again in NC. Now it's week 10 after BU. I think she leans more avoidant. She did not reached out once and i did not in those past weeks. Don't know what to do. Any advices?
@muneyjordanisapro Update: I bumped into her the other day. She texted me the day after "Hey". I responded "Hey, it was good to see you in person after all this time". She lashed out. Telling me to put our thing behind and to find someone that can reciprocate my feelings. She did not put the work in this 3 months like i did. She did not change. She is the same person that Blindsided me, not the person i was with. Going NC indefinitely and i will move on.
@@JupiterWaltz Never ever sweep any problem under the rug with an FA or anyone. It may be your reaction to her that made her feel unimportant(towards the problem) because FA feels the problem = their identity. If such compromises aren't made for each other, it's definitely better off seeking healthier connection and learn to heal from there.
@TamagoEgg couldn't agree more. If you don't resolve things with us we will feel like we aren't worth resolving things with to you. Therefore you don't care about us. At that point we will push you out of our lives because it hurts.
She left me, found a new guy in 2 days (they are in long distance relationship) and I still need to meet with her to pick my stuff. I really don’t know how to act and what to say…
What if i chased her for 2 after the breakup weeks and then stopped and went NC but told her that i care a lot about her and she can reach out if she wants to work through things together?
I haven't contacted my ex in over 2 weeks, and another 2 weeks before that. she is a FA, should I reach out to her and tell her that she is enough? she should know that I wouldn't leave her from how I talked to/about her and treated her, should I tell her that she mustn't be scared of me leaving her? because I know she misses me and really loved me at some point
No, do not contact her. She has to feel the loss, and worry about losing you if you want to expect something to last. I've learned my lesson doing this push/pull nonsense for over a year and a half. She's pushed me again, and for all I care she can move right along now as I honestly stopped caring.
And what to do if my ex told me to find someone else? And that he has to learn to love himself first before he can love anyone selflessly again(he is divorced). And now he is spending time with a woman he was seing before me. They know eachother for 4 years. She posted a pic of them kissing. And we know eachother for 30 years and were in relationship for 6 months. What should I do in this case?
I suspect this guy I was seeing is FA- very into me then saying he had been talking to someone else the whole time and wanted to start dating her too (even though she is a single mom and a “witch”- two things he said he wouldn’t date) - I left: no contact for three weeks and then I reached out. He was talking to me like we were back to normal than ghosted me and left me on read. He’s already seeing this woman he shouldn’t have any interest in- any advice? Why suddenly leave me on read?
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I engaged with a FA. It's been off and on, hot and cold for about 5 years now. I walked away 8 months ago,been no contact. What's hard for me to understand is how he claimed to care about me and how perfect we were for one another yet he can't talk about his feelings/emotions nor can he contact me to let me know what's on his mind.
I realize my ex may be a FA. He pulled a discard when things were going great and the relationship was healthy. I did everything they tell you to do. No contact, work on yourself, everything. In watching this though…I realize I’m not a mind reader. He knows I love him but at the end of the day he ended things and there is no way for me to know if he wants me to reach out yet or if he needs more time. If it’s too soon it gets worse, if it’s too late it gets worse. Unless he can take a step, since he was the dumper, I can’t do anything. I think if they are FA, no matter how much you love them, you have to just let them go. It’s a loose, loose if you make the wrong choice and you just end up hurting yourself more. It’s an impossible situation unless they can own up even in a small way to repair. The FA expects you to have some type of super powers that are not possible. I love him very much but I just have to accept his choice. It hurts. I don’t know that he realizes just how much it hurts and how much I wish we could repair things but the expectations of FA to read their minds with little to no help is not humanly possible.
Totally relate to this. We are not mind readers. Best to move on!
It’s taken me 4 years to go no contact with my sweet FA (lol) but he treated me so indifferently last time that it just cut my heart into pieces. A switch flipped and I then couldn’t see beyond a selfish, cruel, indecisive man-child so I simply stopped responding to him. There was nothing left to say after how he behaved. He said he had issues but would never talk to me about them or attempt to fix them and he would promise to take me to places or do things that mostly never happened. It would be going really well occasionally but as soon as he sensed I was getting happy or we were getting closer he would pull away and hurt me more each time. Then obviously not quite want to be without me so throws breadcrumbs and I got stuck in the cycle. That last time was like a death though; I just had nothing left to give and no longer any respect for him. He can stay stuck if he wants but I’m working on moving on 😊❤
This is accurate. I’m running from the hurt. I will block and cut off for as long as 2 weeks to a month then I start missing the person.
Last on and off relationship really messed me up emotionally. I did a lot of work and learning about attachments, traumas, communication, psychology. But at this point I'm not sure if I have grown or I'm just more traumatized by this. Lol
Same here
same. i'm clearing well far away from any FA. I don't care if they worked on it. NOT WORTH IT
Are you the FA or did you date the FA?
She was definitely more in an avoidant side when she initially reached out. I wanted to see her but it was too soon and I pushed her back again unintentionally. I let her know i care unconditonally and the best way to show that was to honor her space however long it takes. I love her very much and hope she allows my love one day but i want her to be happy so i went back to no contact. We had some really deep connection points and life got really scary for both of us in our own lives. I had to settle a lot of stuff in my own life so i could regain my secure lifestyle. She's an amazing woman and I love her for who she is.
Update?
FA here. Your comments and insights are all spot on accurate. I feel as if you know me pretty well.
Appreciate your feedback Mr. Jennings 🙏🏾
Thank you for the feedback because I'm wondering lol
I agree. I am healing from AA becoming more secure after 3 years of working on myself but most of the guys I dated have been DA and most recently FA so I am leaning FA now as a secondary style. I dated a couple more secure guys and it was definitely easier to navigate but yet I am still single😅
Why are we reaching out to the fearful avoidant when they break up with us? Isn't that their responsibility
Yes.
Amen
Definitely should be them reaching out, not us.
That is not how they are made.
I still have to talk to mine because we had an apartment together ( he randomly broke up with me after a small disagreement ) so I think it’s so hard to figure it out. He still tries to text me causally but will shut down at anything emotional now .
Why are you talking directly to me right now 😂
I broke no contact after 3 weeks and after a couple days of warming her up and picking up where we left off, I decided it was time to ask to meet up to make amends. After 3 unsuccessful attempts to make plans (she was being dodgy with the actual meetup times, acting like she was interested but never could commit to anything), I figured it was best to give her space as I believe I overwhelmed her with wanting to meet up so soon. Thoughts?
3 weeks no contact was too long to do on an FA she would have seen this as further abandonment and so not be able to trust you again.
@@helenrowley3979 What are you talking about? didn't this coach say 3 - 4 weeks or more?
@@helenrowley3979I was always told 45 days for an FA.
I thought so . Thank you
as an FA I do know I'm a huge part of the problem but I don't see anything as repairable. if I try to break up, it's because I don't feel safe, and usually because I'm scared of being hurt.
If you decide to go no contact with me, I'm gone. you've just proved me right.
Let’s start with repairing that mentality
It's MATURITY to communicate. Learning communication skills to be able to compromise and repair relationships is THE skill FAs don't have. So they are in a cycle of NEVER healing their trauma of their childhood of wanting to connect yet pushing people away. Its the choice to do work
You're not just a huge part lol, you are the problem. Let's be honest.
Am FA and I have never gone back to any of my exes,once you hurt me that's it for me, if I walk away from someone it's because I don't feel safe with that person mostly because I overthink and could make assumptions based off that over using logic but then again,if I feel like this,am mostly right about that person times shows me that. If a person goes no contact with me if I care I will reach out once or twice,if I don't get a response you don't exist to me,and don't try to reach out later I will never respond or let you back in my life.
@@Karmaman777 I agree that communication is important,open and honest communication,but trust me you'd be surprised how many people claim to want that but can't handle it. I think me personally as an F.A I need to give people grace as they are human too,and I can't always view the world in the black and white lense. I am sure if I did that back then, I'd be married by now. I am working on myself and hopefully one day get to the onset end of the tunnel.
Broke up 6 months ago, wanted to level up the relationship by getting married. Her family didn’t approve. My ex went from saying I’ll fight for us to 3 months later saying move on and I feel like she used resent to get over me. She used such petty reasons to say why it wouldn’t work.
It’s now almost been 3 months of NC since we last spoke and she told me to move on and respect her decision.
Is it truly done now? I still feel like it’s blindsighted and I’m still falling
Just assume the relationship is done you’ll be a lot happier that way
found out the person i was with for three years got a new girlfriend while we were taking a break. we still spoke almost everyday and would still say we love each other and talk about our future, but the other day i found about his new girlfriend when i called his phone and she answered. he didnt call me until the next day to say he had a girlfriend now but he still wanted to be friends. i blocked him on everything but im just confused and hurt and trying to find answers. we share cats and i have my belongings in a storage unit we share. he refused to let me get my things from the storage bc its in his name, but this was before i even knew about the girlfriend. Is there any explanation for his actions? I will say his mom passed 4 months ago, we took a break two months ago, now he has a girlfriend.
i should also mention one of the boundaries i set during our break was that we would specifically not see other people and we would eventually get back together.
That's a shady move on his part. 😮
Doesn't sound like a real dismissive avoidant in my opinion.
Any updates? I think he is just an ass...
The same thing happened to me. It's weird to read it in a youtube comment.
How do you know the difference of a FA and DA ?
My FA ghosted me while I was in the hospital having minor surgery. No argument. Nothing I can. that triggered it. No contact seems my best option. Comments?
Reach out maybe they thought you ghosted them .....
Sounds like a narcissist
I really screwed up with the videos that said go no contact for as long as they reach out first. I lasted 5 months till i had to reach out. It was way too late. She was totally checked out. Now i have no chance. Im very remorseful.
If you truly love her, show her,show her you are remoseful. Am F.A myself and doing the work,we will erase you from our existence once the contact is off for too long.
@aselyne5631 thank you. Believe me, I tried. I was not perfect and I genuinely expressed how I understand more. But her leaving so suddenly and wanting marriage, kids home together. She had an ex she really loved years ago. She never erased him, I'm hoping she doesn't with me.
@@droflivelife Hold on, so you were not good to her, but expected her to give you a warning sign that she's leaving you? Come on now, even you get serious?
@aselyne5631 when did I say I was not good to her? I treated her like a queen. If anything I was too good. I even ignored her texting guys behind my back, so called friends and inappropriate behaviour hoping one day she will stop. I gave her everything I could and I still blamed myself for a lot of things. So all I said was I'll try be even better in any way she wanted me. But nothing and noone is good enough if she runs away each time it gets serious.
@@droflivelife You said you were not perfect so I am trying to understand in what ways. Honestly if that how she behaves with you then she is definitely the problem is very disrespectful. Why do you even want her back?
Thank you!
No problem
I reached out to my FA after she Blindsided me. I reached out during the third week after the BU, but i felt her cold and distant. So i went again in NC. Now it's week 10 after BU. I think she leans more avoidant. She did not reached out once and i did not in those past weeks. Don't know what to do. Any advices?
Same except it's been over a year since I've heard from her. Stay NC and move on
@muneyjordanisapro Update: I bumped into her the other day. She texted me the day after "Hey". I responded "Hey, it was good to see you in person after all this time". She lashed out. Telling me to put our thing behind and to find someone that can reciprocate my feelings. She did not put the work in this 3 months like i did. She did not change. She is the same person that Blindsided me, not the person i was with. Going NC indefinitely and i will move on.
My ex is a FA and I’ve not heard a word since the breakup almost a year ago. She monkey branched and apparently they’re on and off.
@@JupiterWaltz Never ever sweep any problem under the rug with an FA or anyone. It may be your reaction to her that made her feel unimportant(towards the problem) because FA feels the problem = their identity. If such compromises aren't made for each other, it's definitely better off seeking healthier connection and learn to heal from there.
@TamagoEgg couldn't agree more. If you don't resolve things with us we will feel like we aren't worth resolving things with to you. Therefore you don't care about us. At that point we will push you out of our lives because it hurts.
My FA doesn't even reply after 5 weeks of NC.
She left me, found a new guy in 2 days (they are in long distance relationship) and I still need to meet with her to pick my stuff. I really don’t know how to act and what to say…
Not angry, not happy. Act indifferent. Even if you have to fake it
@@IamCoachCourt thank you ❤
@@IamCoachCourt I agree
What if i chased her for 2 after the breakup weeks and then stopped and went NC but told her that i care a lot about her and she can reach out if she wants to work through things together?
A dismissive avoidant should not- hurt kids, be compulsive lier, a cheater, a physical abuser, and more...just to claim to be a dismissive avoidant.
I haven't contacted my ex in over 2 weeks, and another 2 weeks before that. she is a FA, should I reach out to her and tell her that she is enough? she should know that I wouldn't leave her from how I talked to/about her and treated her, should I tell her that she mustn't be scared of me leaving her? because I know she misses me and really loved me at some point
No, do not contact her. She has to feel the loss, and worry about losing you if you want to expect something to last. I've learned my lesson doing this push/pull nonsense for over a year and a half. She's pushed me again, and for all I care she can move right along now as I honestly stopped caring.
And what to do if my ex told me to find someone else? And that he has to learn to love himself first before he can love anyone selflessly again(he is divorced). And now he is spending time with a woman he was seing before me. They know eachother for 4 years. She posted a pic of them kissing. And we know eachother for 30 years and were in relationship for 6 months.
What should I do in this case?
Find someone else and call his bluff. I’m kidding. It looks like he doesn’t want anything serious with anyone
He just not into you. And it's ok, accept it and move on
Is it considered a rebound 6-7 month post break up from a 2 year relationship?
They may have processed things and healed by then
I suspect this guy I was seeing is FA- very into me then saying he had been talking to someone else the whole time and wanted to start dating her too (even though she is a single mom and a “witch”- two things he said he wouldn’t date) - I left: no contact for three weeks and then I reached out. He was talking to me like we were back to normal than ghosted me and left me on read. He’s already seeing this woman he shouldn’t have any interest in- any advice? Why suddenly leave me on read?
Hmm, how long were you dating?