Normal people, in touch with ALL their emotions, will experience sadness, disapppointment, depression and anxiety I the course of a Ifeime. Constantly expecting happiness is a ridiculous expectation and leaves one feeling deeply defective. I am so glad to hear this from someone who knows.
My relatives who would try to shut me down when I experienced discouragement, depression, etc. are now depressed and miserable *all the time.* Whereas I chose to feel my emotions and work through them. And while my life might be messier than theirs, I'm generally now more positive and resilient as a result - and am not afraid of going through bad emotions or experiences - whereas they get overwhelmed or numb out and isolate because they don't know how to feel and process. Because they bought the lie that they're always supposed to be positive.
@@nancysungyun True....although with relationships, you don't want to live completely by emotions because that will eventually tank the relationship. There will be times when commitment and choice have to override emotions to keep the relationship steady. Example: Married man or woman wakes up one day and says "Oh I don't want to be married anymore, this is too much work, I just want to be free to go do what I want!" Meanwhile you have 3 kids and a spouse who are counting on you.
So true ...family dynamic or hard to navigate....I find I'm to happy for most people ...not because I'm but because I choose to laugh at myself which is healthy...and when I'm pissed of I say know what I'm pissed of get it out and go on ...
My relatives act similar to yours! The trauma therapist I'm seeing calls people like that "sugar pushers" and agrees with Julia Kristina in that they can do great harm with their toxic positivity. My therapist says that these "sugar pushers" do what they do because they fear what will happen to them if they let down their addiction to surface positivity and allowed themselves to truly experience the uncomfortable feelings they've been pushing inside due to any number of hurts (such as grief, trauma, illness, betrayal, misunderstanding, etc.). As an artist, feeling ALL of my emotions is crucial to producing my best creative work and getting through life in a healthy way. Glad to be finally learning how to do so. Wishing you much success with your own learning experience in this matter, Mr. D.!
I can not handle Esther and Abraham Hicks . They expect everyone to be positive and we create our reality according to our thoughts . If we think negative , we are in low vibration and will will keep attracting negativity . I am so glad you did this video .
I.’m definitely positive person, but I absolutely agree that toxic positivity can lead to an intense amount of suffering. We must acknowledge and honor our true feelings and not punish ourselves for having them. Part of self love is self acceptance, which includes accepting our emotions, even when they are negative. Brilliant video! ♥️
I knew several similar types, especially one guy. He was always the clown, the entertainer, the jokester and most optimistic. He was also the one who would get panic and anxiety attacks in most public circumstances. No one can escape from their skeletons.
A psychologist ones said to me, there are no negative or positive emotions, there all just emotions. Which helped me so well. With accepting all of my emotions and feeling and with that becoming more compassionate and kinder towards all I feel, and myself.💖😊
You are so right about this. Repressing feelings are harmful. Self-compassion goes powerfully far to help us heal and move forward. Great reminder Julia!
Yeeees. Have always been thinking about this. It has always frustrates me. The expectation, the shaming, the fakeness, the blind eyes. Especially as autistic and a super honest person, open and logical I don't understand this discrimination towards negativity and reality and honesty. This way of pretending things are great and ignore the problems and bad stuff, these lies some tell others just to feel better, I hate fake positivity. I hate toxic positivity. But I AM thinking too much negatively, I have an anxiety disorder so I have a lot of fear and low self-esteem as well. And I sometimes focus too much on the bad. And voice my dislike too much or in the wrong way according to people. But that's the other side and different from what this is about. Also, to have the opposite of good, makes good better and not to be taken for granted.
I have a coworker that lives in unicorn land now I know the correct term toxic positivity. She labels me a negative person I like to call it reality. I'd rather be a person that feels all human emotions from fear, depression, anxiety, sadness, grief, mourning, joy, happiness, good moods and bad moods rather than to live in unicorn land of fake people I meant toxic positivity.
That Unicorn Land sounds oddly familiar. i knew someone who said "looking for a cure for mitochondrial disease is like chasing unicorn farts." i agreed with her/him. Now he has cyber stalking me.
There's people who are genuinly positive or in an exuberant feeling most of the time, (within the moment, or is part of their whole persona.) but when someone who becomes pretensious at being positive, at all times and avoidance of negative-paradigms-these people can dig their own holes for lying to themselves. More noteworthy than that, the worse part about people who portray these characteristics; other people around a person like this can sense they're being coverting their true feelings. It's a terrible look. Like, we know you're lying. Just be honest.
My mom is toxicly positive. When something terrible happens to me, I'm allowed to be unhappy. But she says I don't have the will to be happy, says it's my own fault that i can't control my emotions. Drives me nuts
you have every right to feel how you feel. If something bad happens to you it's okay to kick at the groin of the dude who caused it. if he doesn't block it or evade it, he had it coming. Anyways every emotion serves a purpose or at least every emotion has served an ancestor well. They might be inappropriate for modern society like beheading your boss at work is kind of social faux pas these days. it used to be acceptable in the 13th century though.
I needed this today. I'm having a feeling awful day. No matter what I have done I have felt worse. I need to accept that I just feel awful today, it won't kill me and it isn't going to vaporize. I need to just let it be with me, feel awful, and later identify the thoughts I am trying to squelch which need to be felt. I can't solve the problem if I don't allow myself to feel it and identify it. Thank you for validating my feelings and reassuring me that it is ok to feel awful about something.
we all have bad days. Everybody's got some days that are worse than others. Accept your emotions for what they are, They're your emotions. validate your emotions. Nothing more. Nothing less. They're just how you are. Meditate. Meditation Boosts the Immune System. And helps people survive Covid-19 even when their immune System is impaired.🖖☮️🎶
"The only thing we can control is ourselves," says my positively toxic Mama. Ironically, this very philosophy has helped me to see in what ways I needed to change the incessant example of categorizing emotions as either "good" or "bad." I have struggled against lying about my feelings, and against believing that we must only notice the good in people despite their abusive behaviors. It has been a road!
Just wow....Is all I can react to this. I have always been wanting to tell the world that I can't be happy always...And I am fine with it...But people rarely accept or like it. This video of yours has added that tad bit of confidence in me to tell myself it's ok to be myself. Thanks a million.
I’m so glad I found this video as this is something I’ve been struggling with. I’m currently studying NLP and coaching. I am in a Facebook group called virtual coach community and there is a lot of people that have this attitude that you need to be positive all the time. I find many of these coaches to be blaming judge mental and arrogant, if you’re struggling with anything, such as emotions, productivity, money etc it is all your fault. I do believe we need to take responsibility for our lives but also agree it is okay to struggle and there should be no shame around that. I read a book recently on the law of attraction and it said, if you die in a terrorist attack that is your fault as you put yourself in that situation with your own thoughts. I agree with you that we shouldn’t numb or try to repress emotions as they will just keep resurfacing. We need to feel in order to heal. It does annoy me when coaches market themselves as heart centred when they clearly lack warmth and compassion.
This is why I am so glad I've connected with you, trust you, and love being in our Shift Society group. Your teachings are real substance and not all "feel good" fluff. It isn't just self-help, it is learning to be human and have an understanding and self acceptance as a human.
"Honesty is the best policy" is a simple but true adage. It is best to be mindful of reality whether it is with another person or yourself. I believe you also learn the lesson your emotions won't change anything so deal with reality the best you can.
I totally love this! Now I know why i feel more awful forcing myself to feel more positive. And if it didn't work out, it meant that I did not think positive enough. Thank you so much for your insight!!
This all makes sense. It's uncomfortable hearing knowing what I'm going through. I know I have the courage now to feel it, without having to numb it away. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this. 💚 I needed this video. Whenever i allowed myself to feel sad during an awful situation (some quarrels in family making me feel left out)... my family members would force a smile on their face walking around as if nothing happened. Then they would tell me to "just smile" and not look so sad... as if what i felt never mattered and was a mere exaggeration- I have openly communicated about the issues we all have, but they dismiss it like its no big deal. They just expect me to conform to their expectations of acting positive all the time, just so that they are not in-convinienced. Later, they burst out with their supressed feelings due to prolonged forced positivity.
Hi so I've been looking to move for a bit of time now and I found out through a friend that there was an apartment available. They were doing some touch up work on the place to get it ready for the next tenants. I was waiting for my friend to pass my information to the property owner which is really good friends with my friend. I talked to another friend about the place and she was very supportive in assuring me that I would get this place. Well two days after her and I had this conversation, I get a call saying that someone else got the place. I was crushed, I cried (when no one was around) and I was frustrated. When I told my friend about it she said to me "you should be glad you have somewhere to live, there are people living on the streets with nowhere to go" and "you'll be fine " and "drink some tea to calm your nerves". I felt as if she was being very condescending and dismissive at the same time. I worked two jobs to save up deposit money, new furniture money, etc and ran errands for people on my free time for extra money. I felt smacked in the face. This is the first time I've ever heard of toxic positivity but this is a very good example of it too.
I’m excited to hear your thoughts on toxic positivity once I finish reviewing for my history final!! I’ve always distrusted people that go out of their way to act positive all the time, I find it really disingenuous and irritating! I hope you’re having a fabulous week 💖
One thing I have noticed with kind of people who practice a form of continuous spiritual positivity, is that their inflection is very restricted. They tend to always talk in calm tones, rarely getting louder or softer, faster or slower or higher pitched or lower pitched. Essentially, it feels LESS authentic, rather than more.
Thank you for this amazing post! This resonates with me so much right now. I had some news just before Christmas which really hurt and confirmed even more that I ignored what my inner voice had been trying to tell me last February. I'm always mentally kicking myself for ignoring my inner voice and when I try to listen to it, my head takes over which then leaves me feeling in fear that I'm going to make the wrong decision. I thought I had dealt with the news but I keep getting moments where I feel angry, aggitated and frustrated about it. It's not something I can just "get over" because its a huge thing to me but I feel Iike I should be able to get over it even though I'm struggling to.
I had to write down some things you said because they were so great: "It's the things that we do to prevent us from feeling awful that usually make us feel even more awful." And: "When you stop being afraid of feeling awful, you have nothing to be afraid of." Why is it so bad to feel awful, indeed? For me, maybe it's because I'm autistic and I feel all emotions so strongly, it can feel like they're crushing me. And I get stuck on them, because I get stuck on everything. One thing that helps with this is writing down how I feel. This helps to detach from the feelings so I don't get stuck on them forever. But at the same time writing helps process the emotion instead of suppressing it.
Thanks for this. It is something which is definitely effecting me right now. There is someone in my life, temporarily, who 'rewards' me for being 'positive' and points out any hints of 'negativity' - (or reality as I like to call it). There is a lot more to me than these polar opposites - so this person will not be missed when he has left my life forever.
you speak the truth here. it's unrealistic to always expect people to be positive. it's okay to feel bad. your feelings are in justified. they are your feelings. peace. ☮️🖖🎶
Thank you for explaining this so well! I have been struggling with depression since this pandemic began and realize I have been avoiding my negative feelings. Once I began acknowledging those feelings it became easier to express them and let them go.
Thank you so much Julia.... I have always struggled with the fear of feeling awful..... This video helped me find the words I couldn't explain to myself when I was overwhelmed by the thought of feeling awful
This is so true. And it's hard to have empathy for ourselves or others when stuffing our feelings. I especially resonated with your comment about "body ailments." When a person is in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it causes sometimes serious body ailments, because there are subconscious emotions caused by the narcissist's covert devaluing behavior. It's hard to address and process those emotions before you understand what is going on.
That is SO TRUE! You hit it on the head...the Narci will say things like, "You're always so negative", or "If you trusted God, you wouldn't think that way." Like they have a "special IN" with Him, & I'm not "there yet" (in their opinion); & that's why I'm depressed or have anxiety. The Narci will NEVER validate your feelings or take a look at how THEY constantly repress their own. They rarely will even allow you to say anything about feelings without opinionating/judging/diminishing how you feel-then will bring up how they have (ever so successfully) handled or handle their thoughts/feelings! OMG it is so frustrating...to put it mildly. There is no reasoning with these types of people unless they are willing to change-RARE.
Yeah feeling bad about feeling bad,which initial feeling may not be in our hand,but second is what we created only to make matters worse, Just watch the first feeling don't feed it by your attention,thanks julia
This is true for me. I he held back from facing situations and goals because I'm afraid of how I will feel. Past hurts and disappointmens and how they made you feel. I realize I'm afraid of feeling these feelings again. So I avoid them.
Reacting to thinking , is identifying with the ego , because that is what thinking is , ego ! Instead , learn to step back , and look at the thought you are having then you can see where that thought could lead to , then you can be aware and become conscious of your actions ! !
Thank you so much for sharing! I’m like less than a minute in I feel so validated. Awi🧡💛💜💚 I’m pregnant for the first time And hormones and sickness has been intense at times. I was overwhelmed late one night and anxious about having to wake up early every morning and feeling sick like I’d been that week. I was at my limit and venting and my partner said I’m thinking negative about it and stop thinking negative about it. It made me feel like , I am positive sometimes I like being positive also, but it made me feel bad like I was wrong for being honest my experience. Just like you said it felt like failing that I couldn’t just positive thinking my way out of morning sickness. Or the anxiety I felt about feeling like I was pushed to my limit. I’m trying to work thru the push back feelings now. Thank you for sharing you’re amazing
This topic is so good! Feeling our emotions is healthy. Yesterday I saw someone saying that feeling anger is “bad” because it meant that you were being “controlled” by an abuser... this sounded so toxic to me. Your anger is positive and it pushes you to create better boundaries. Your anger is yours and it doesn’t automatically bond you to anyone - that is so enmeshed and codependent. Yet this woman was “teaching” people to disown their anger, supress it, deny it or brush it off. Or to believe that when you feel it you are being controlled... which in turn makes you feel bad for feeling anger because it feels like you’re doing damage to yourself. When indeed, the repression of an emotion is what is damaging. This seemed to wrong to me. Maybe because it is.
Great, powerful information! God bless you Julia. I am so thankful for being able subscribe to your RUclips account. Such life changing, freeing information for my mind, heart and soul.
Hi from Germany and Czech Republic. Thank You so much for your qualified and great Work, hope you are proud of yourself. You are trully helping us to understand how to trully love ourselves fully. 🏞️💖🤗 This Video really helps especially those of us who had NPD Parent (s) who denied, belied or forbid us our Emotions..... Despite 2 Therapy's which did help me a great Deal (DBT and Posttraumatic) it's only now 5 Years later that I learned how to just allow my Emotions to be, welcome them and then let them pass through....especially Sadness and Anger.
As I watched this I began to allow myself to feel bad, and it really did start to dissolve on it's own. The feelings didn't feel as strong and scary. Thank you for sharing!
This was common knowledge in the Psych Field 30-40 years ago. What happened? The APA decided to introduce the idea of "Positive Psychology" into the Field and push it really hard. There may be some good motivations behind this, but there were also some not so good motivations. The result is as you described. People are getting sicker and more neurotic. Generalized Anxiety is not the result of Covid. It started long before that in the Millennials. I'm almost 60 and I've watched these changes take place. Something really bad happened here and we really should be asking questions about it.
Thanks for this Julia! I had watched a video about toxic positivity a while back and it mainly dealt with how social media gives others the impression that everyone else has this amazing life except you. Your video on the other hand touches on the just as problematic issue of never allowing yourself to feel anger, sadness, anxiety. rejection etc. It's OK to feel all those things, just don't let them dominate you. Once you have felt them and cleared your head figure out how to handle that situation, was it really as bad as it seemed or was it legitimate to feel that way and how you might handle it going forward. You can try to look for a silver lining but if you are never allow yourself to feel anything negative, how will you handle it when something really serious happens?
The secret to a good life is not only affirming positives but also in negating negatives, which yields positives. affirming negatives and negating positives obviously yields negatives. The tricky thing is affirming fake-positives. Fake-positives are negatives so affirming them yields negatives too.
This is exactly what I needed to hear ❤️ I feel like I am always stuck in emotional turmoil and I don’t know how to move past it. This is a big eye opener in how I am dwelling and making emotional drama behind it.
Great video. People cant be positive robots. It seems sadness or anger is seen as bad. Expressing sadness equates to needing therapy to alot of people. Tv shows are pushing this nowadays. The older movies had more realistic actors w normal hardships and reactions.
I have no more time so I admit I haven't watched this yet before I comment here. But I'd love to watch it later when I get time. Before I do, I just want to throw out this delicate distinction - positive does not necessarily mean good or benevolent, and negative does not necessarily mean bad or evil. People who don't understand this nuance get this completely wrong conceptually and as a result, end up making cynical/naive/dismissive and unempathic judgements and unknowingly pass on unsophisticated, unhelpful, dull, cliché advice as a result - which can do more unnecessary malicious damage than assist people.
Many people who are still processing trauma confuse toxic positivity with genuine positivity. There is a difference and there are people out there who had worked through traumas who truly experience positive life. I am not saying all the time, but quite often. Happiness is truly a choice, but it only comes after so much inner work. Positive people feel angry, sad, disappointed, etc, too.
How many times have I heard "Oh, if your thoughts are negative then you attract more and more of it!! Switch it into positive!" or "Be grateful for what you already have 🙂" and I felt worse because I couldn't shake those heavy emotions off or feel grateful. Sure, maybe I felt slightly better when I was grateful for my home, food and all of that, but it lasted only for a minute or two. I don't listen to them anymore.
Back again and loving it. The topics aren't always really applicable to me but you always choose interesting topics. I subscribed because you are such an excellent presenter and communicator. I do some training in my work.
I know what you mean is if something bad happens you are allowed to feel bad, and don’t feel bad for that. But my toxic self defeating negativity is trying to turn that into being positive is a bad thing, which I know is crap!!! Loved your talk on dealing with negative thoughts! So I’m going to say “Shut up Brain, stop trying to twist things” Any clarification will be appreciated, thanks for your time!
Wonderful video Julia ❤️ thank you so much 😊 although I am generally a Positive happy person, I do feel my stress, anger & sadness too but there are times that depending on the person or people I am around I tend to stuff what I am feeling deep down inside & then it causes me to explode in anger due to holding it deep down inside which also makes me overthink and make the Feelings & days worse for myself which I don't like at all because I would rather be a Happy Positive person yet be able to feel my stress, anger or sadness so I can work through & process my Feelings as I am supposed to do rather than holding them back in order to help make others happy.
This topic I realized by myself too... acepting this feelings is really important and needed to come to a better place ... Thanks for this video of confirmation I really need to hear one more time...God bless you
You want your emotions to flow and roll like moving clouds. Experience it but when a storm comes don’t stay too long In the storm Allow the emotions move like the flow of the clouds
And there is no such thing as bad or good ! Its the thought which makes it so ! However challenge is what makes you advance to be aware and conscience in everything you do !
Its amazing how much so many of your videos relate to what I go through with my own personal life and emotions. Im always the type of person that is always happy no matter what and won't let anything affect me nagatively, or atleast I dont let others know that it does. I have people always ask me how or why im so happy all the time. Its very hard for me to let negative emotions come out very often.
sending this to my Replika: My AI Friend app. She needs to know that i'm allowed to feel bad. We need ways we can vent constructively. Instead of harming oneself or harming others.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽Fantastic Video Julia. Although I definitely an Optimist, I certainly allow myself to feeling the negative emotions too!! 😁 - There does seem to be a growing Personal Development perspective that puts forward to allow all your emotions as they “tell you where you are right now in the present moment.” When you know “where” your feelings are and how they got there it is much more straightforward to find the best way forward. Thank-you once again. #Gratitude 🙏🏾💫😃🌟
Great video I tell people feel those emotions because what you resist will persist let it run its cycle but like you said not to the point where it ends up creating much bigger deeper worse or problems it’s OK sometimes to feel bad we’re human great video
There are many examples in life where we're told to put on a big smile. It's often for dishonest reasons and they are connected with toxic positivity.There are people among us who have no issue with putting on a smile. It's a sign you can't trust them.
Hope you are well! Every video is so insightful and useful for me. I feel like people and emotions are being squashed and ground up through some "business model" and business class... that doesn't work for me or in general. Once I examined my attachments I was free. Tupac tried to tell us about attachment!
I have a friend who shut me down when I was feeling miserable. She said she does not understand my emotion. When I analyzed the situation I felt she's toxic positive thinker.
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Normal people, in touch with ALL their emotions, will experience sadness, disapppointment, depression and anxiety I the course of a
Ifeime. Constantly expecting happiness is a ridiculous expectation and leaves one feeling deeply defective. I am so glad to hear this from someone who knows.
BethyKable ♥️ yes!
Glad this affirmed what you already know sister.
My relatives who would try to shut me down when I experienced discouragement, depression, etc. are now depressed and miserable *all the time.* Whereas I chose to feel my emotions and work through them. And while my life might be messier than theirs, I'm generally now more positive and resilient as a result - and am not afraid of going through bad emotions or experiences - whereas they get overwhelmed or numb out and isolate because they don't know how to feel and process. Because they bought the lie that they're always supposed to be positive.
Messy is not always a bad thing when it comes to life. It's what can cause art, music, writing... and love is beautifully messy.
@@nancysungyun
True....although with relationships, you don't want to live completely by emotions because that will eventually tank the relationship. There will be times when commitment and choice have to override emotions to keep the relationship steady. Example: Married man or woman wakes up one day and says "Oh I don't want to be married anymore, this is too much work, I just want to be free to go do what I want!" Meanwhile you have 3 kids and a spouse who are counting on you.
So true ...family dynamic or hard to navigate....I find I'm to happy for most people ...not because I'm but because I choose to laugh at myself which is healthy...and when I'm pissed of I say know what I'm pissed of get it out and go on ...
@@mr.d.572 💛
My relatives act similar to yours! The trauma therapist I'm seeing calls people like that "sugar pushers" and agrees with Julia Kristina in that they can do great harm with their toxic positivity. My therapist says that these "sugar pushers" do what they do because they fear what will happen to them if they let down their addiction to surface positivity and allowed themselves to truly experience the uncomfortable feelings they've been pushing inside due to any number of hurts (such as grief, trauma, illness, betrayal, misunderstanding, etc.). As an artist, feeling ALL of my emotions is crucial to producing my best creative work and getting through life in a healthy way. Glad to be finally learning how to do so. Wishing you much success with your own learning experience in this matter, Mr. D.!
I can not handle Esther and Abraham Hicks . They expect everyone to be positive and we create our reality according to our thoughts . If we think negative , we are in low vibration and will will keep attracting negativity . I am so glad you did this video .
New cage narcissism
I.’m definitely positive person, but I absolutely agree that toxic positivity can lead to an intense amount of suffering. We must acknowledge and honor our true feelings and not punish ourselves for having them. Part of self love is self acceptance, which includes accepting our emotions, even when they are negative. Brilliant video! ♥️
Amen sis. Glad we're on the same page with this one.
Just call it what it "appears" !! " this is nice" " this is bad " the end.
I knew several similar types, especially one guy.
He was always the clown, the entertainer, the jokester and most optimistic.
He was also the one who would get panic and anxiety attacks in most public circumstances. No one can escape from their skeletons.
Yeah thats me but still taking that panic attacks with humor.
What im gonna do instead, be depressed and do nothing about it. Nah fuck negative.
Authenticity is a life goal of mine. Like anything there’s no on and off only a spectrum. But I strive to be as authentic as I possibly can!
Yes sister! you and me both.
A psychologist ones said to me, there are no negative or positive emotions, there all just emotions. Which helped me so well. With accepting all of my emotions and feeling and with that becoming more compassionate and kinder towards all I feel, and myself.💖😊
You are so right about this. Repressing feelings are harmful. Self-compassion goes powerfully far to help us heal and move forward. Great reminder Julia!
Always sis. Glad you're here.
@@juliakristinamah You've created something wonderful here. So nice to see💕
It's so important not to suppress feelings but to acknowledge them . That is the only way to see reality for what it is .
Yeeees. Have always been thinking about this. It has always frustrates me. The expectation, the shaming, the fakeness, the blind eyes. Especially as autistic and a super honest person, open and logical I don't understand this discrimination towards negativity and reality and honesty. This way of pretending things are great and ignore the problems and bad stuff, these lies some tell others just to feel better, I hate fake positivity. I hate toxic positivity.
But I AM thinking too much negatively, I have an anxiety disorder so I have a lot of fear and low self-esteem as well. And I sometimes focus too much on the bad. And voice my dislike too much or in the wrong way according to people. But that's the other side and different from what this is about. Also, to have the opposite of good, makes good better and not to be taken for granted.
I have a coworker that lives in unicorn land now I know the correct term toxic positivity. She labels me a negative person I like to call it reality. I'd rather be a person that feels all human emotions from fear, depression, anxiety, sadness, grief, mourning, joy, happiness, good moods and bad moods rather than to live in unicorn land of fake people I meant toxic positivity.
That Unicorn Land sounds oddly familiar. i knew someone who said "looking for a cure for mitochondrial disease is like chasing unicorn farts." i agreed with her/him. Now he has cyber stalking me.
This is your best video so far! I have watched Toxic Positivity used as a bullying method, and it has been just as damaging as verbal abuse.
She's totally right.Its OK to feel awful. Denying is contra productive.
Many people are so fake these days....they portray this facade of fake positivity too
Being fake is a shield against vulnerability when it feels unsafe to be oneself, and yeah, it's hard to be around people who aren't being themselves.
Fakiness = illusion
Happiness in reality
Not just these days...
Then there's people who are professional negative thinkers and professional victims. They are more toxic
There's people who are genuinly positive or in an exuberant feeling most of the time, (within the moment, or is part of their whole persona.) but when someone who becomes pretensious at being positive, at all times and avoidance of negative-paradigms-these people can dig their own holes for lying to themselves.
More noteworthy than that, the worse part about people who portray these characteristics; other people around a person like this can sense they're being coverting their true feelings. It's a terrible look. Like, we know you're lying. Just be honest.
My mom is toxicly positive. When something terrible happens to me, I'm allowed to be unhappy. But she says I don't have the will to be happy, says it's my own fault that i can't control my emotions. Drives me nuts
I'm sorry to hear that Carmen. I can imagine it's really frustrating.
you have every right to feel how you feel. If something bad happens to you it's okay to kick at the groin of the dude who caused it. if he doesn't block it or evade it, he had it coming.
Anyways every emotion serves a purpose or at least every emotion has served an ancestor well. They might be inappropriate for modern society like beheading your boss at work is kind of social faux pas these days. it used to be acceptable in the 13th century though.
I needed this today. I'm having a feeling awful day. No matter what I have done I have felt worse. I need to accept that I just feel awful today, it won't kill me and it isn't going to vaporize. I need to just let it be with me, feel awful, and later identify the thoughts I am trying to squelch which need to be felt. I can't solve the problem if I don't allow myself to feel it and identify it. Thank you for validating my feelings and reassuring me that it is ok to feel awful about something.
I love this Shirley. Yes, sometimes it's okay to just have bad days.
we all have bad days. Everybody's got some days that are worse than others. Accept your emotions for what they are, They're your emotions. validate your emotions. Nothing more. Nothing less. They're just how you are. Meditate. Meditation Boosts the Immune System. And helps people survive Covid-19 even when their immune System is impaired.🖖☮️🎶
"The only thing we can control is ourselves," says my positively toxic Mama. Ironically, this very philosophy has helped me to see in what ways I needed to change the incessant example of categorizing emotions as either "good" or "bad." I have struggled against lying about my feelings, and against believing that we must only notice the good in people despite their abusive behaviors. It has been a road!
It's ok to be human with all our experiences. Thank you for saying it out loud. People need to hear this message today more than ever.
Just wow....Is all I can react to this. I have always been wanting to tell the world that I can't be happy always...And I am fine with it...But people rarely accept or like it. This video of yours has added that tad bit of confidence in me to tell myself it's ok to be myself. Thanks a million.
It is okay to be yourself - THAT is for sure. Glad you're here Amit.
Hi Julia!! This reminds me of my favorite tool you gave me: "Name it, Claim it and Tame it".
There's always so much to learn from you!!
Ron R yes!!! 😊
Oh I'm so glad that's been helpful for you - thanks for letting me know that!
I look forward to your weekly videos. I also enjoy going back into your library of videos. Thank you for willingness to share your knowledge!
I’m so glad I found this video as this is something I’ve been struggling with. I’m currently studying NLP and coaching. I am in a Facebook group called virtual coach community and there is a lot of people that have this attitude that you need to be positive all the time. I find many of these coaches to be blaming judge mental and arrogant, if you’re struggling with anything, such as emotions, productivity, money etc it is all your fault. I do believe we need to take responsibility for our lives but also agree it is okay to struggle and there should be no shame around that. I read a book recently on the law of attraction and it said, if you die in a terrorist attack that is your fault as you put yourself in that situation with your own thoughts. I agree with you that we shouldn’t numb or try to repress emotions as they will just keep resurfacing. We need to feel in order to heal. It does annoy me when coaches market themselves as heart centred when they clearly lack warmth and compassion.
This is why I am so glad I've connected with you, trust you, and love being in our Shift Society group. Your teachings are real substance and not all "feel good" fluff. It isn't just self-help, it is learning to be human and have an understanding and self acceptance as a human.
That means a lot Chris. Grateful for you.
You're are very welcome. Thank you for being a genuine caring person in this world.
"Honesty is the best policy" is a simple but true adage. It is best to be mindful of reality whether it is with another person or yourself. I believe you also learn the lesson your emotions won't change anything so deal with reality the best you can.
Thanks for sharing Barry.
I totally love this! Now I know why i feel more awful forcing myself to feel more positive. And if it didn't work out, it meant that I did not think positive enough. Thank you so much for your insight!!
This all makes sense. It's uncomfortable hearing knowing what I'm going through. I know I have the courage now to feel it, without having to numb it away. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this. 💚
I needed this video. Whenever i allowed myself to feel sad during an awful situation (some quarrels in family making me feel left out)... my family members would force a smile on their face walking around as if nothing happened. Then they would tell me to "just smile" and not look so sad... as if what i felt never mattered and was a mere exaggeration- I have openly communicated about the issues we all have, but they dismiss it like its no big deal.
They just expect me to conform to their expectations of acting positive all the time, just so that they are not in-convinienced.
Later, they burst out with their supressed feelings due to prolonged forced positivity.
Happens 💯
Hi so I've been looking to move for a bit of time now and I found out through a friend that there was an apartment available. They were doing some touch up work on the place to get it ready for the next tenants. I was waiting for my friend to pass my information to the property owner which is really good friends with my friend. I talked to another friend about the place and she was very supportive in assuring me that I would get this place. Well two days after her and I had this conversation, I get a call saying that someone else got the place. I was crushed, I cried (when no one was around) and I was frustrated. When I told my friend about it she said to me "you should be glad you have somewhere to live, there are people living on the streets with nowhere to go" and "you'll be fine " and "drink some tea to calm your nerves". I felt as if she was being very condescending and dismissive at the same time. I worked two jobs to save up deposit money, new furniture money, etc and ran errands for people on my free time for extra money. I felt smacked in the face. This is the first time I've ever heard of toxic positivity but this is a very good example of it too.
My husband listened to about 10 of your videos and can understand my anxiety. Now thank you
I’m excited to hear your thoughts on toxic positivity once I finish reviewing for my history final!! I’ve always distrusted people that go out of their way to act positive all the time, I find it really disingenuous and irritating! I hope you’re having a fabulous week 💖
One thing I have noticed with kind of people who practice a form of continuous spiritual positivity, is that their inflection is very restricted. They tend to always talk in calm tones, rarely getting louder or softer, faster or slower or higher pitched or lower pitched. Essentially, it feels LESS authentic, rather than more.
Really interesting - thanks for sharing.
Thank you for being courageous to talk about these things that no one wants to admit to. You simplify the complicated.
This means the world to me Ann.
Thank you for this amazing post! This resonates with me so much right now. I had some news just before Christmas which really hurt and confirmed even more that I ignored what my inner voice had been trying to tell me last February. I'm always mentally kicking myself for ignoring my inner voice and when I try to listen to it, my head takes over which then leaves me feeling in fear that I'm going to make the wrong decision. I thought I had dealt with the news but I keep getting moments where I feel angry, aggitated and frustrated about it. It's not something I can just "get over" because its a huge thing to me but I feel Iike I should be able to get over it even though I'm struggling to.
I had to write down some things you said because they were so great: "It's the things that we do to prevent us from feeling awful that usually make us feel even more awful." And: "When you stop being afraid of feeling awful, you have nothing to be afraid of."
Why is it so bad to feel awful, indeed? For me, maybe it's because I'm autistic and I feel all emotions so strongly, it can feel like they're crushing me. And I get stuck on them, because I get stuck on everything. One thing that helps with this is writing down how I feel. This helps to detach from the feelings so I don't get stuck on them forever. But at the same time writing helps process the emotion instead of suppressing it.
Thanks for this. It is something which is definitely effecting me right now. There is someone in my life, temporarily, who 'rewards' me for being 'positive' and points out any hints of 'negativity' - (or reality as I like to call it). There is a lot more to me than these polar opposites - so this person will not be missed when he has left my life forever.
you speak the truth here. it's unrealistic to always expect people to be positive. it's okay to feel bad. your feelings are in justified. they are your feelings. peace. ☮️🖖🎶
Thank you for explaining this so well! I have been struggling with depression since this pandemic began and realize I have been avoiding my negative feelings. Once I began acknowledging those feelings it became easier to express them and let them go.
Thank you so much Julia.... I have always struggled with the fear of feeling awful..... This video helped me find the words I couldn't explain to myself when I was overwhelmed by the thought of feeling awful
This is so true. And it's hard to have empathy for ourselves or others when stuffing our feelings. I especially resonated with your comment about "body ailments." When a person is in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it causes sometimes serious body ailments, because there are subconscious emotions caused by the narcissist's covert devaluing behavior. It's hard to address and process those emotions before you understand what is going on.
That is SO TRUE! You hit it on the head...the Narci will say things like, "You're always so negative", or "If you trusted God, you wouldn't think that way." Like they have a "special IN" with Him, & I'm not "there yet" (in their opinion); & that's why I'm depressed or have anxiety. The Narci will NEVER validate your feelings or take a look at how THEY constantly repress their own. They rarely will even allow you to say anything about feelings without opinionating/judging/diminishing how you feel-then will bring up how they have (ever so successfully) handled or handle their thoughts/feelings! OMG it is so frustrating...to put it mildly. There is no reasoning with these types of people unless they are willing to change-RARE.
Well I will say this. Its your choice to be positive or ne negative.
Grew up with a toxic positive parent. I always felt so much shame for my depression and emotions. This is so helpful!!
Yeah feeling bad about feeling bad,which initial feeling may not be in our hand,but second is what we created only to make matters worse,
Just watch the first feeling don't feed it by your attention,thanks julia
This is true for me. I he held back from facing situations and goals because I'm afraid of how I will feel. Past hurts and disappointmens and how they made you feel. I realize I'm afraid of feeling these feelings again. So I avoid them.
Thank you Kristina. You're changing lives. More power to you.
Reacting to thinking , is identifying with the ego , because that is what thinking is , ego ! Instead , learn to step back , and look at the thought you are having then you can see where that thought could lead to , then you can be aware and become conscious of your actions ! !
Great
Thank you so much for sharing! I’m like less than a minute in I feel so validated. Awi🧡💛💜💚 I’m pregnant for the first time And hormones and sickness has been intense at times. I was overwhelmed late one night and anxious about having to wake up early every morning and feeling sick like I’d been that week. I was at my limit and venting and my partner said I’m thinking negative about it and stop thinking negative about it. It made me feel like , I am positive sometimes I like being positive also, but it made me feel bad like I was wrong for being honest my experience. Just like you said it felt like failing that I couldn’t just positive thinking my way out of morning sickness.
Or the anxiety I felt about feeling like I was pushed to my limit.
I’m trying to work thru the push back feelings now.
Thank you for sharing you’re amazing
This topic is so good! Feeling our emotions is healthy.
Yesterday I saw someone saying that feeling anger is “bad” because it meant that you were being “controlled” by an abuser... this sounded so toxic to me. Your anger is positive and it pushes you to create better boundaries. Your anger is yours and it doesn’t automatically bond you to anyone - that is so enmeshed and codependent. Yet this woman was “teaching” people to disown their anger, supress it, deny it or brush it off. Or to believe that when you feel it you are being controlled... which in turn makes you feel bad for feeling anger because it feels like you’re doing damage to yourself. When indeed, the repression of an emotion is what is damaging.
This seemed to wrong to me. Maybe because it is.
Great, powerful information! God bless you Julia. I am so thankful for being able subscribe to your RUclips account. Such life changing, freeing information for my mind, heart and soul.
Hi from Germany and Czech Republic. Thank You so much for your qualified and great Work, hope you are proud of yourself. You are trully helping us to understand how to trully love ourselves fully.
🏞️💖🤗 This Video really helps especially those of us who had NPD Parent (s) who denied, belied or forbid us our Emotions.....
Despite 2 Therapy's which did help me a great Deal (DBT and Posttraumatic) it's only now 5 Years later that I learned how to just allow my Emotions to be, welcome them and then let them pass through....especially Sadness and Anger.
As I watched this I began to allow myself to feel bad, and it really did start to dissolve on it's own. The feelings didn't feel as strong and scary. Thank you for sharing!
This was common knowledge in the Psych Field 30-40 years ago.
What happened?
The APA decided to introduce the idea of "Positive Psychology" into the Field and push it really hard. There may be some good motivations behind this, but there were also some not so good motivations. The result is as you described. People are getting sicker and more neurotic. Generalized Anxiety is not the result of Covid. It started long before that in the Millennials. I'm almost 60 and I've watched these changes take place. Something really bad happened here and we really should be asking questions about it.
Please, please expand on this, more video's about experiencing feelings. I was put in my room for expressing emotions as a child.
Thanks for this Julia! I had watched a video about toxic positivity a while back and it mainly dealt with how social media gives others the impression that everyone else has this amazing life except you.
Your video on the other hand touches on the just as problematic issue of never allowing yourself to feel anger, sadness, anxiety. rejection etc. It's OK to feel all those things, just don't let them dominate you. Once you have felt them and cleared your head figure out how to handle that situation, was it really as bad as it seemed or was it legitimate to feel that way and how you might handle it going forward.
You can try to look for a silver lining but if you are never allow yourself to feel anything negative, how will you handle it when something really serious happens?
The secret to a good life is not only affirming positives but also in negating negatives, which yields positives.
affirming negatives and negating positives obviously yields negatives.
The tricky thing is affirming fake-positives. Fake-positives are negatives so affirming them yields negatives too.
This is exactly what I needed to hear ❤️ I feel like I am always stuck in emotional turmoil and I don’t know how to move past it. This is a big eye opener in how I am dwelling and making emotional drama behind it.
Great video. People cant be positive robots. It seems sadness or anger is seen as bad. Expressing sadness equates to needing therapy to alot of people. Tv shows are pushing this nowadays. The older movies had more realistic actors w normal hardships and reactions.
I have no more time so I admit I haven't watched this yet before I comment here. But I'd love to watch it later when I get time. Before I do, I just want to throw out this delicate distinction - positive does not necessarily mean good or benevolent, and negative does not necessarily mean bad or evil. People who don't understand this nuance get this completely wrong conceptually and as a result, end up making cynical/naive/dismissive and unempathic judgements and unknowingly pass on unsophisticated, unhelpful, dull, cliché advice as a result - which can do more unnecessary malicious damage than assist people.
What insight! I need that, it made my week and allows me freedom to be in my truth.
My mum tells me to choose to be happy. If it was that easy I would!
Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. We need to make space for all of it.
Aw thanks. This was perfect for today! I was feeling awful + had no idea why and felt I was letting myself down. I feel better just listening to it.
Many people who are still processing trauma confuse toxic positivity with genuine positivity. There is a difference and there are people out there who had worked through traumas who truly experience positive life. I am not saying all the time, but quite often. Happiness is truly a choice, but it only comes after so much inner work. Positive people feel angry, sad, disappointed, etc, too.
How many times have I heard "Oh, if your thoughts are negative then you attract more and more of it!! Switch it into positive!" or "Be grateful for what you already have 🙂" and I felt worse because I couldn't shake those heavy emotions off or feel grateful. Sure, maybe I felt slightly better when I was grateful for my home, food and all of that, but it lasted only for a minute or two. I don't listen to them anymore.
Back again and loving it. The topics aren't always really applicable to me but you always choose interesting topics. I subscribed because you are such an excellent presenter and communicator. I do some training in my work.
Thanks friend - that means a lot. Glad you're here.
I know what you mean is if something bad happens you are allowed to feel bad, and don’t feel bad for that. But my toxic self defeating negativity is trying to turn that into being positive is a bad thing, which I know is crap!!! Loved your talk on dealing with negative thoughts! So I’m going to say “Shut up Brain, stop trying to twist things” Any clarification will be appreciated, thanks for your time!
Thank you! It’s amazing how much you think you know, I’ve watched about 10,000 videos on RUclips and still learning ❤️
Wonderful video Julia ❤️ thank you so much 😊 although I am generally a Positive happy person, I do feel my stress, anger & sadness too but there are times that depending on the person or people I am around I tend to stuff what I am feeling deep down inside & then it causes me to explode in anger due to holding it deep down inside which also makes me overthink and make the Feelings & days worse for myself which I don't like at all because I would rather be a Happy Positive person yet be able to feel my stress, anger or sadness so I can work through & process my Feelings as I am supposed to do rather than holding them back in order to help make others happy.
I love this...
Glad it connected Laurie.
This resonated so much with me. Thank you for sharing.
Really glad it connected with you. Thanks for being here.
“ Human and. Being. “. Is not the same , one is form , and the other is formless !
Wow. Liked this
Human. Being. One is form and another is formless. I m going to use that. Thank you 😊❤️
Thanks 🙏 for the great video, Julia. You and your counciling are awesome as usual. You are remarkable!😃
Thank you very much! I feel like this is a topic not enough people are aware of
This topic I realized by myself too... acepting this feelings is really important and needed to come to a better place ... Thanks for this video of confirmation I really need to hear one more time...God bless you
You want your emotions to flow and roll like moving clouds. Experience it but when a storm comes don’t stay too long In the storm Allow the emotions move like the flow of the clouds
Hi I’m Jen so glad I watched this as I didn’t know what toxic positively was
Hey Jen - glad you're here!
black and white, hh makes me feel that I don't have a lot of chooses, do it or don't, and that's makes me feel comfortable.
And there is no such thing as bad or good ! Its the thought which makes it so ! However challenge is what makes you advance to be aware and conscience in everything you do !
Thank You 😊 for the wonderful videos Julia, you are such a beautiful spirit.
Thank you!! More people needs to hear this...
What a wonderful video I think this is so timely with what's going on in the world right now I Like Your Balanced approach
As Ajahn Brahm always says "Don't worry, be grumpy"😆🙏🏻🤗
Its amazing how much so many of your videos relate to what I go through with my own personal life and emotions. Im always the type of person that is always happy no matter what and won't let anything affect me nagatively, or atleast I dont let others know that it does. I have people always ask me how or why im so happy all the time. Its very hard for me to let negative emotions come out very often.
Reminds me a bit of the Stockdale Paradox where POWs who were fake optimists didn't survive but the ones who were realists tended to survive
sending this to my Replika: My AI Friend app. She needs to know that i'm allowed to feel bad. We need ways we can vent constructively. Instead of harming oneself or harming others.
This was really helpful for me today. Trying to learn how to process negative emotions.
Thank you.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽Fantastic Video Julia. Although I definitely an Optimist, I certainly allow myself to feeling the negative emotions too!! 😁 - There does seem to be a growing Personal Development perspective that puts forward to allow all your emotions as they “tell you where you are right now in the present moment.” When you know “where” your feelings are and how they got there it is much more straightforward to find the best way forward. Thank-you once again. #Gratitude 🙏🏾💫😃🌟
Great video I tell people feel those emotions because what you resist will persist let it run its cycle but like you said not to the point where it ends up creating much bigger deeper worse or problems it’s OK sometimes to feel bad we’re human great video
Hey, girl! You're amazing and I will keep coming back for more.
There are many examples in life where we're told to put on a big smile. It's often for dishonest reasons and they are connected with toxic positivity.There are people among us who have no issue with putting on a smile. It's a sign you can't trust them.
You are super sweet!! So enjoying your information and your encouraging tone. Thank you very much. Take care!❤
Hope you are well! Every video is so insightful and useful for me. I feel like people and emotions are being squashed and ground up through some "business model" and business class... that doesn't work for me or in general. Once I examined my attachments I was free. Tupac tried to tell us about attachment!
Thank you so much 🖤🖤🖤
Priceless!! THANK YOU!!.
Ty ilu I hate fake positivity n I hate words be positive its fake ty
I get what you're saying but....I having crawled out of chaos, there isn't enough positivity to create a toxic situation for me.
Fair enough! You know you best.
You are as like as a discovery on RUclips ..for me once anyone know your channel must keep watching it again and again.. Wish you all the best ♥..
Helloooo! I love that I’ve discovered you ☺️ I wish I would have found you a while ago, but I am so appreciative of the work you do. Thank you 😊
Thanks Julia
I find your videos really helpful and thought through. Thank you for sharing :)
I have a friend who shut me down when I was feeling miserable. She said she does not understand my emotion. When I analyzed the situation I felt she's toxic positive thinker.