Why is there never a support video for people who must live with a mentally ill person? It's always what we have to do to accommodate them or make them feel better. I'm suffering too! I need help and care too!
There is an immense psychological impact on the sufferer who lives with a hoarder and it's not being addressed. The only answer i have is praying and doing my prayers every morning day and night, it's making things better.
I would like to know which relatives of hoarders you've spoken to because not a word of this will work with my mother, nor, it is clear, the vast majority of the hoarders in other commenter's lives. I have bawled and cried and screamed, but I've also spoken calmly, listened and tried to understand. This advice is useless
We literally had a 7.2 earthquake in my town which is 40 mins away from my moms house. Somehow it rocked my house and broke half my sh*t, even tho we are pretty minimal with things it knocked over all my heavy furniture and tvs and things and broken glass from dishes and decor everywhere so we could hardly walk around (especially since it was still dark) but 40 miles away my moms house didn’t even knock a picture Frame off the wall… I finally told her in the nicest way I could muster “I’m really worried about all this stuff stacked up in your house, especially when my little daughter stays with you, if there were to be another earthquake closer to your house and you weren’t so lucky. All this stuff could literally kill you!!” Along with a very long text about the trauma I grew up with in part due to growing up in her hoarding. (I spent HOURS crafting the wording in a way that I hoped she will feel my compassion and longing to mend things and make a beautiful space for her to love living in, and make sure I wasn’t saying mean or overly selfish things) Well she basically guilt tripped me and blew it off as me being hurtful and selfish and stuck up. That was 3 years ago, I’ve never brought it up since. I want to add that I’ve also recognized early on that she feels like a very rejected woman, and holding on to things is her coping mechanism and gives her a strange sick sense of comfort- And I am very sensitive to that when I speak to her about it. (I never have the courage anymore) but it has also destroyed our relationship so much that I can’t even pretend to love her anymore. It has damaged me from such a young age and at times when I needed stability and understanding the most. I know I sound selfish but please understand I am trying my hardest to help her heal and have been dealing with this for over 15 years and I’m frustrated beyond belief, scared for her well-being, sad I cannot have a good relationship with my mother and sad that my children can’t spend too much time around her house either, angry that she refuses to seek help or allow us to help her, and terrified of what it’s going to mean when she passes away and we are burdened with heavy overflowing mountains of junk. I just want it to end. If I could fix it all myself, I’d have it done in a few weeks, I would not sleep until all of it was gone and then I’d paint and decorate her home to the most beautiful place just to her style with birds and flowers and plants I just know how much she would fall in love with it, And I would sleep easier knowing she would be safe and ready for life’s adventures and friendships that she treasures and we would finally be able to enjoy life as a family. I am also so tired of being the only one to host every single holiday and birthday because I am the only one who keeps my home clean and cooks. It just doesn’t seem fair.
I am sending you the biggest hug. I felt your post profoundly and more than I can express. I am Going through the same except my mother has nothing to do with me and my fiancé and she has never even seen my beautiful apartment. She has very little to do with me. She feels like a stranger. Except a stranger who insults me if I dare say anything remotely helpful. I am a only child and her devaluing has destroyed my life and I had no childhood. I am 49 and I am extremely angry because as a child every single weekend and night was spent ocd washing the walls and scrubbing shit with a toothbrush and now she’s beyond reproach and we are smack dab i the Thomas Fires hillside zone. I just want it to end. I feel like my mother is dead but alive. The lights are on but no one is home if you know what I mean. It wasn’t until I watched seasons of Hoarders and watched how all the grown ass children are being talked down to & made to feel stupid and worthless that it clicked. Now I feel like you. She valued her shit over being any part or my life or any life being lived in the beautiful home she has. I watched an amazing vid today by the channel Permission to Exist talking about Hoarders are Narcissists and the vid floored me. Big hugs. I wish things were better!
My mom was a hoarder, she eventually got dementia and her hoarding got way worse. I had to eventually pull her out of her home and get power of attorney and go through all of her stuff by myself. It was an absolute nightmare. I recommend spending more time at your mothers house and helping her get rid of stuff. That’s my biggest regret that I had to do it all alone without her. My mom can no longer speak now and it’s only been two years since I’ve pulled her from her home. Make sure you have power of attorney, and a living trust set up because you never know what could happen.
Kathleen, I don't think you have any idea how beautiful you are. - You have patiently and compassionately tried all the correct remedies - to the point of exhaustion. - Be assured that your logic, and displays of love and affection have been a sound approach to your mother's problem. - How do I know? Because I have been a hoarder as well. For me it has been a life of shame, anxiety and loneliness. Ironically, I believe my mother was partially the trigger for my behaviour. - She was a good mother, in her own way, who kept a clean, sterile house, however displayed no love, encouragement or affection. I grew to hate that clean, sterile, loveless, emotionless environment, and my hoarding and untidiness was partially a rebellion against that way of living. I'm sure you'll agree that a home is nothing without love. My mother - out of her own pain - destroyed my self esteem at an early age, and I have never married, or brought children into the world. - My hoarding was a reflection of my perceived self worth, and the clutter filled my rooms, and made me feel less alone. Hoarders do feel ashamed - underneath it all. - That's why they are so defensive. - I have summoned the will, and I'm currently de-cluttering the house I have just moved out of - on my own. It hasn't been easy. It feels - on a bad day - like a massive psychological barrier is standing between myself and the tasks I have to complete - but I'm winning, and can see evidence that I finally have it licked. Kathleen, I hope you know that you have indeed left no stone unturned in your efforts to help your mum. - She is very lucky to have a daughter like you. Bless you. Keith. ❤
You do not sound selfish at all you understand the situation and you are a rational person who cares for her. She has allowed Her own hurt And anger Addiction to stuff To now victimize those around her. . You are not She is she is
There’s no getting through to a hoarder. My mom is immunocompromised with a bad health history but she refuses to throw things away, even when they’re covered in rodent feces and from the 90s. Getting them to talk about it and trying to help makes you the enemy and ends in roundabout arguments that solve nothing.
Hi Bhody, I agree with you. Hope you are well & taking good care of yourself 💕 I'm a mom of a young child. I separated from his dad when my child was a baby because hoarding only got worse. My hubby didn't change when we got married, or when I was pregnant or now when we're on brink of divorce 😣 So sad. Hope you have a wonderful & clean place to enjoy life, even away from family. Take care 💗
You’re right. I’m trying to find some sort of resource of what to do about someone so deep into hoarding that they’re sure to just die in their home soon- as she lets in so many stray cats, the house is rancid with cat piss, feces, and surely some animal corpses. She can’t access her bathroom, stove or fridge. She showers outside with a hose and her hygiene is unbelievably bad. She has sores all over her skin and is obese on top of it all, yet she doesn’t seem to think she has much of a problem as she sees herself as a successful home owner since she inherited the home from her dad and hoarded it up as he died. She hasn’t worked in 20 years or more and there’s no way she could get a job. I just helped her get an old car fixed so she at least has transportation but I’m finding that there really isn’t much else I can do for her. It just becomes too taxing on myself and I’m half her age and her niece- no one else will help. I think I just have to give up and accept that she’s gonna live how she wants and die there probably sooner than later. I’m sure it’s the same hard pill to swallow with your mom, I’m sorry to hear that it’s your fucking mom though, that I can’t imagine.
Problem is; dealing with this disorder is exhausting, especially when you're stuck in the same house as the hoarder. Any confrontation and my mother usually ends up flipping it onto me and blaming me/expecting an apology... I'm REALLY close to walking. The second I'm able I'm out of here. We tried to sort through shit of hers and she threw out half a fucking bag and just rearranged the stacks of mess. I can't fucking deal with this shit, and tbh, like all other mental/physical illness the onus is on the sufferer to get help; you CANNOT help someone who refuses to see they have a problem or who refuses to do anything about it.
Same here. The thing about my mother is that she has always been a horrible, undesirable person. Personally, I am just hoping that she dies soon, so that I can throw away the garbage.
Very true. I tossed out some old empty boxes that were blocking a walkway and my mother called me a Democrat because it's always my way or not at all. When I asked her why she needed a 60 by 8 by 8 foot tall deck full of empty boxes she honestly said to me "for when I get time to sort things." She's had this stuff for 20 years and still hasn't found time, except to get more scrap that she swears one day will be useful so she won't have to sounds 20 cents to buy what she needs when she needs it
My dad is a hoarder. On a scale of 10, he's on level 7 I think. He brings home every garbage he sees . It's hell. He doesn't listen to anyone! Not even his family members. He says he will use them and he needs all that garbage. I don't know. I feel like these things are more important to him than his family.
I'm sure Gail Thinks she's Espousing good tips, but Hoarders Will Not Listen. Her Suggestions Are a Nice way to possibly get them to Listen to you but Nothing will help get the Hoard gone except being fined, put in Jail or Evicted and or forced to move. These tips Seem nice but Hoarders don't want to hear it.
@Andrea Murphy Hoarding is a compulsive disorder, it used to be considered a sub category of OCD, but is now considered its own mental illness. Just like telling an OCD person to not count steps, flick a light switch, or wash their hands, doesn’t work, telling a hoarder not to hoard won’t work. They need treatment and from there, it may or may not get better. Someone with schizophrenia could enter therapy, take medication, and may have varying results. No matter how much you tell someone having a schizophrenic episode not to do it, they “will not listen” because they aren’t capable of preventing psychosis. Hoarders can’t stop hoarding on their own. Jailing and fining the mentally ill for their disorder is counterproductive and doesn’t provide any form of long term solution. I find it strange that people pick and choose which mental health ailments to be sympathetic to and which should be handled criminally.
None of your suggestions will work. I've been married to my hording wife for 30 yrs and I'm a very loving, nonconfrontational type of person but every time I try to have this type of conversation with her she completely freaks and immediately puts up a wall of defense. Not trying to be mean or degrading to you but this particular advice (although good advice for Simple day to day issues) will not acheive anything with a person with hordering disorders. I think many people like myself need better answers to this question. I'm stuck and still looking for my solution. Leaving is not an option as I have made a life long commitment to God and the beautiful children I've been blessed with, to love and cherish until death. So now what.....
Gail and Randybare pioneers in the field, nobody knows more. Met Randy about 10 years ago, he did note that most research and interventions involve elderly, and that living with a hoarding spouse is different. There's funding available to improve health and safety of seniors, not middle-aged people with kids and spouse.
Trace we tend to be codependent and part of the problem. It's not your fault, but believe me it will be eye opening for you to list all the things you do to accommodate the stuff. Stop helping her, help yourself.
I'm in the same boat, I cant say anything without them becoming defensive and yelling at me that I'm attacking them and picking on them, I cant throw away a single peice of garbage without them saying "what did you throw away of mine now?!" I do a side business of wood working and it's just the two of us in the house, and its completely stuffed to the point I have no room for my projects with her stuff. I just don't know what to do.
You are so right! You sound like a saint. I left my husband with my young child because of hoarding issue. This is an extremely serious issue & this video does not help people who actually live with a real hoarder 😣 Hope you take care of your own wellbeing & your children 👼 God Bless 🙏
I think hoarding can't be solved before the EMOTION which leaded to hoard. So if someone wants to help, they may try to solve first the problem wich leaded to hoard. If the emotion it solved the hoarder can clean up by him / her self. But as long the emotion is there, and someone just clean up the house, they can break the hoarder heart. 💔 You, as a "specialist" must know that...
Nonsense. This may work with someone who is a bit messy. But I wonder if this woman has actually interacted with a true hoarder. They will go mental if you try to intervene. I had to go no contact with my hoarder father, he is beyond help and ruined my childhood.
Thanks you for this.... What if the hoarder won’t allow anyone inside, unless it’s an emergency? I have only been in my friend’s place a few times, but every time it gets worse and worse. She is violating multiple laws and putting her child and neighbour’s lives at risk. When I do go in, I don’t comment about the mess anymore, because I’ll be told a billion excuses. The baby doesn’t cry when she trips and falls on the stuff and thinks cleaning the cat litter is play. I understand addictions and mental illness better than most, but it doesn’t seem my friend understands the severity of her illness and tends to blame others instead of looking at her own behaviour. She may be evicted if she doesn’t clean up soon.
Imagine,if you would, that you have an unhealthy emotional attachment to random objects. There's a reason for that, somewhere inside you. Imagine it's how you cope with the inner pain and loneliness you feel. Now picture someone coming into your home and tearing apart the thing that keeps you at a comfortable distance from the pain. When you ask them to stop, there's a failure of communication and they proceed to get angry with you. "You've been like this your whole life! Your home is a mess! Nobody can live like this!" You retreat further into your coping mechanism, adding another layer to help with the new cuts you acquired. I'm frustrated with my family member too. Come from a place of compassion if you want to make headway. They have a deep wound in their soul, and the infection is shown by the hoarding.
It's hard for me to imagine I would care more about an object than a real life person, I just can't. This is why I am struggling with my parent's hoarding because all this STUFF matters more than ME. And THEN I have to clean all that up. I am so sick of it.
@@woodhullchick everyone has issues, some has a drinking problem others cut themselves in secret, others hoard. We all need help of some kind. Do not judge what you do not know? Your judgemental attitude is causing more harm than you know. The person and the illness are no5 one and the same. If you want to help, stop judging and rather ask a professional to help the hoarder. The hoarder is stuck and the are already hard on themselves, do not add to their burden?
Dealing with a father who does this leads no where. He gets angry and I end up just cleaning 24/7. He has never listened even if I am calm, angry, etc. He will never change and its more about what I want to do in future. I am scared to leave my home as it will be horrendous but I know eventually it will happen.
Why do none of these videos address the hoarder directly? It’s always “for friends or family of the hoarder” - but never anything for a hoarder looking for help/advice.
Theres no nice way to do it. The hoarder will be offended and upset at any attempt to fix it. I feel you cant worry about the hoarders feelings, and you just have to do what needs to be done. I'm in a weird spot because I live with the hoarder, so I'm constantly weighing what I can throw away versus what will upset the hoarder to the point they kick me out. Its total insanity. He has no concept of how much money is in his bank account, but if I throw away 1 ketchup packet he knows
is it ok to simply leave?. I know the situation will get worse for him if I leave he may drink to much and become depressed. I have the means to leave. I never hear a therapist say that if you can leave, just leave
Yes, it is okay to leave. It may be the hardest thing you'll ever do - and it's sometimes the only way to disentangle from someone else's untreated trauma and disorders. No hate just speaking realistically as a nearly 50 year old son of a hoarder mother dealing with increasing insanity since my Dad died 14 years ago (and on-going before then). Speaking with a qualfied therapist can help.
I would say just leave. Esp if no kids are involved. Many people want to leave but don't have the means to do it. Or don't want to subject the kids to a divorce. So neither of those issues are holding you back then I say go for it.
My mother in law is a hoarder, from my experience of 30 years of this bs, is that they are extreme narcissists and best left to drown in their paper and plastic.
My mom is not just a hoarder but filthy and messy beyound human comprehension , always argue and got a stupid excuse , she always think it’s right to have dishes piled up in her sink 10 feet high , she gave a lot of shit lying around in her room and I’m leaving the house cuz I can’t live with this anymore.
As a hoarder that is on the road to recovery, asking what we can do to help? Encourage them to come up with a plan or create lists and strategies.......... Go through the strategies etc with them........... be supportive and facilitating........... offer to order the skip........... arrange the donations etc Remember the hoarding is there for a reason, find the reason or reasons and help tackle them!........ “Let’s tackle your lack of love together!”
No offense but this lady started wrong. There’s no way she’s even experience this “confront the family member “ ?!?!?????!!!!! Nope. She’s passed the class but not the test. You can’t confront a hoarder. At least not by asking them why
omg my sister i live her is an extreme hoarder and even blocked the fridge recently with a table of items. the hallway in our house is blocked and her room has clothes almost up to the ceiling. my mom and i are so frustrated. nothing seems to work. and she keeps buying things whenever she goes out. when confronted, she usually lashes out if pushed to get rid of the items. 😭 our fridge is filled up with items and i cant even find food in there that i purchased
I tried this a hundred times. It did not help. My mother cares more about her stuff, than any of her family members. And she takes the accidents resulting in her home as faith. I find it's like talking to a drug addict about their addiction. They will nod that it's bad, get angry if confronted, and sell their family members for their next high. It's very sad.
Try having 2 narcissistic hoarders in the house.Any kind of converstation is too painful to bear.They don't care what you feel,not for them not for the house not for other people.
Please read these comments. The things these experts say to do don't work. They don't work. The experts don't have a clue how to cure hoarding or how to deal with it. Read these comments, family members of hoarders continue to suffer and the professionals are no help. Dr. Steketee, please realize and acknowledge that you can't really help. My life has long since been ruined.
My mother got very upset when I gently asked her about the clutter thru out 3 levels of her house and I asked her why all this and she said I don't know why. I said I love you your my mom. We can get counseling and she quickly turned it down and asked me to be quiet Then she began to explain why the clutter is happening. Trying to rationalize everything. I don't know what to do
You obviously don't know my cousin. Discussing! I moved here because were both older and our parents are gone. But what he's done to my aunt & uncles house sickens me. And try to bring it up, and I am confronted with harm.
I wish this worked. Not with my loved one. It quickly turns into a confrontation. I have basically learned to live with it but it sure stresses me out.
My daughter suffers from Hoarding Disorder. I try to remember that anorexics who are living skeletons look into a mirror and see themselves as fat. Where I see chaos and filth in my daughter's house, she very possibly does not. She has, as a hoarder, a mental illness after all. I try to remember that always. It's hard. .
The comments really help me more than the video, because it's true that hoarder hard to have conversation with If you try advise them, they agree and understand but when they put stuff, they cant change Always put in their usual way You tried cleanng with them will always ended up you working alone or if they be with you, they will get angry because everything is precious You throw it away to trash bin, and the next time you check again, it appear again because they pick it up Enough never enough When get confront they will hit you, throw stuff at you etc And they will cried afterward and make you the most horrible person in this world And you try ashaming them Hoarder is beyond help, especially one that dont find it necessary to change their way I dont know until when i must argue with hoarder, it's tiring, such a rollercoaster I tried show my mom with picture of hoarder and told her that she not alone and she can change, but she always angry that i show that kind of pictures to her, because its disgusting and she is not like that Maybe not so severe as some potrait but still she quite a hoarder So it all back to that person themselves, they can see filth in other but not in their stuff If they realize it, they just try cover it so they dont see it Probably like what they dont see, dont hurt them If someone point my mother hoarding she say that person evil, but if someone put fake smile and say its nothing, she will brag that what she have is no problem coz that kind person that fake their smile say it's okay I really want to know, do medicine in future can help with hoarding problem
I just cut a tree in my in laws house and he said leave the wood there in casa there’s war we use the wood for heating but he has tons of wood and just trash in his house.Makes it very difficult to be there trash and unsafe wires nails glass bricks paper metal rusty cans horrible!
He says use a chest of drawer. But he says quiet gets a cleaning lady or threatens to call the police. He gaslights, bullies, no affection, no love. He steamrolls. Its crime to him. Hes going nuts looking at it. Hit the road jack. Im suffering from depression. Severed relationship. Help me. I dont own much
I know social workers mean well But this just does not work. I have been living With this Many years with my spouse. I am a psychiatric professional. None of this works You have to treat them like you were living with an alcoholic who was actively drinking... Thinking get sober and stop Which is equivalent To getting rid of the junk and not bringing anymore in. They can go to counseling Or you can Get get out.... If you are young enough I would recommend that you get out I do not marry another 1. The only 1 that My spouse understands is firmniss
Seems mum treats me like that clutter in the corner under all that stuff that she cant remember. And she ignores all the abusive people in my life, same as all her clutter. All the people that abuse me arent trash and should stay in my life. Im covered in mouse feaces Such an ironic metaphore of her parenting
You can't help hoarders. I've resorted to not asking for their permission and throwing things out. What I don't get to I just ignore. They will never change, hoarders are borderline abusers to those who share their space
i’m so worried about being a bad person, i keep on reading these comments and i want help but i’m afraid that my need to keep everything will like, drive away those i love away from me. i want to get better but i feel like if i’ll like, die or whatever just bc i get rid of one thing, but i don’t want to feel like this anymore
but it’s like there’s something in my head telling me that if i get rid of something, then like i’ll be dumb and ungrateful and like i jusg get insanely bad thoughts. but again, i really want to get better, i truly do
@@archerrz24, I will never understand you hoarders....... THROW YOUR USELESS CRAP AWAY.... We all have to do it... You have to do it... I have to do it... The old lady down the street has to do it..... etc. It is not the end of the world! 🙄
@@archerrz24 I hope you are able to get help and talk with someone. I think some people in the comments don’t seem to understand it isn’t just as simple as get rid of it because everyone has to.
Nope this is not helpful, doesn’t work. My dad will skip right over anything regarding hoarding or just go completely silent. They don’t want to hear ANYTHING that sounds like dealing w/hoarding head on. Only a professional can help w/this.
You seem to oversimplify the problem. When you try to confront a hoarder, they get extremely mad. I grew up in the most crazy f ing scenario. I really have no compassion left for hoarders. They are selfish people that prioritize garbage over humans/family
Hoarders don’t listen, and will get angry when confronted.
True
1000 percent correct. They don’t listen or like being questioned.
The ones I know will quickly change topics of directly asked about their stuff
I’m dealing with it now
100
Why is there never a support video for people who must live with a mentally ill person? It's always what we have to do to accommodate them or make them feel better. I'm suffering too! I need help and care too!
There is an immense psychological impact on the sufferer who lives with a hoarder and it's not being addressed. The only answer i have is praying and doing my prayers every morning day and night, it's making things better.
This is so accurate
💯
Agreed. The people who live with the hoarder are the true sufferers of hoarding. It's rare to ever see that acknowledged.
Divorces and alcoholism happen from the sufferer losing his mind.
Then we try to pacify the hoarder. It’s a stroke waiting to happen for the victim.
I would like to know which relatives of hoarders you've spoken to because not a word of this will work with my mother, nor, it is clear, the vast majority of the hoarders in other commenter's lives.
I have bawled and cried and screamed, but I've also spoken calmly, listened and tried to understand. This advice is useless
We literally had a 7.2 earthquake in my town which is 40 mins away from my moms house. Somehow it rocked my house and broke half my sh*t, even tho we are pretty minimal with things it knocked over all my heavy furniture and tvs and things and broken glass from dishes and decor everywhere so we could hardly walk around (especially since it was still dark)
but 40 miles away my moms house didn’t even knock a picture Frame off the wall…
I finally told her in the nicest way I could muster
“I’m really worried about all this stuff stacked up in your house, especially when my little daughter stays with you, if there were to be another earthquake closer to your house and you weren’t so lucky. All this stuff could literally kill you!!”
Along with a very long text about the trauma I grew up with in part due to growing up in her hoarding.
(I spent HOURS crafting the wording in a way that I hoped she will feel my compassion and longing to mend things and make a beautiful space for her to love living in, and make sure I wasn’t saying mean or overly selfish things)
Well she basically guilt tripped me and blew it off as me being hurtful and selfish and stuck up.
That was 3 years ago,
I’ve never brought it up since.
I want to add that I’ve also recognized early on that she feels like a very rejected woman, and holding on to things is her coping mechanism and gives her a strange sick sense of comfort- And I am very sensitive to that when I speak to her about it. (I never have the courage anymore) but it has also destroyed our relationship so much that I can’t even pretend to love her anymore. It has damaged me from such a young age and at times when I needed stability and understanding the most.
I know I sound selfish but please understand I am trying my hardest to help her heal and have been dealing with this for over 15 years and I’m frustrated beyond belief, scared for her well-being, sad I cannot have a good relationship with my mother and sad that my children can’t spend too much time around her house either, angry that she refuses to seek help or allow us to help her, and terrified of what it’s going to mean when she passes away and we are burdened with heavy overflowing mountains of junk.
I just want it to end.
If I could fix it all myself, I’d have it done in a few weeks, I would not sleep until all of it was gone and then I’d paint and decorate her home to the most beautiful place just to her style with birds and flowers and plants I just know how much she would fall in love with it,
And I would sleep easier knowing she would be safe and ready for life’s adventures and friendships that she treasures and we would finally be able to enjoy life as a family.
I am also so tired of being the only one to host every single holiday and birthday because I am the only one who keeps my home clean and cooks.
It just doesn’t seem fair.
I am sending you the biggest hug. I felt your post profoundly and more than I can express. I am
Going through the same except my mother has nothing to do with me and my fiancé and she has never even seen my beautiful apartment. She has very little to do with me. She feels like a stranger. Except a stranger who insults me if I dare say anything remotely helpful. I am a only child and her devaluing has destroyed my life and I had no childhood. I am 49 and I am extremely angry because as a child every single weekend and night was spent ocd washing the walls and scrubbing shit with a toothbrush and now she’s beyond reproach and we are smack dab i the Thomas Fires hillside zone. I just want it to end. I feel like my mother is dead but alive. The lights are on but no one is home if you know what I mean. It wasn’t until I watched seasons of Hoarders and watched how all the grown ass children are being talked down to & made to feel stupid and worthless that it clicked. Now I feel like you. She valued her shit over being any part or my life or any life being lived in the beautiful home she has. I watched an amazing vid today by the channel Permission to Exist talking about Hoarders are Narcissists and the vid floored me. Big hugs. I wish things were better!
My mom was a hoarder, she eventually got dementia and her hoarding got way worse. I had to eventually pull her out of her home and get power of attorney and go through all of her stuff by myself. It was an absolute nightmare.
I recommend spending more time at your mothers house and helping her get rid of stuff. That’s my biggest regret that I had to do it all alone without her.
My mom can no longer speak now and it’s only been two years since I’ve pulled her from her home.
Make sure you have power of attorney, and a living trust set up because you never know what could happen.
Kathleen, I don't think you have any idea how beautiful you are. - You have patiently and compassionately tried all the correct remedies - to the point of exhaustion. - Be assured that your logic, and displays of love and affection have been a sound approach to your mother's problem. - How do I know? Because I have been a hoarder as well. For me it has been a life of shame, anxiety and loneliness. Ironically, I believe my mother was partially the trigger for my behaviour. - She was a good mother, in her own way, who kept a clean, sterile house, however displayed no love, encouragement or affection. I grew to hate that clean, sterile, loveless, emotionless environment, and my hoarding and untidiness was partially a rebellion against that way of living. I'm sure you'll agree that a home is nothing without love. My mother - out of her own pain - destroyed my self esteem at an early age, and I have never married, or brought children into the world. - My hoarding was a reflection of my perceived self worth, and the clutter filled my rooms, and made me feel less alone. Hoarders do feel ashamed - underneath it all. - That's why they are so defensive. - I have summoned the will, and I'm currently de-cluttering the house I have just moved out of - on my own. It hasn't been easy. It feels - on a bad day - like a massive psychological barrier is standing between myself and the tasks I have to complete - but I'm winning, and can see evidence that I finally have it licked. Kathleen, I hope you know that you have indeed left no stone unturned in your efforts to help your mum. - She is very lucky to have a daughter like you. Bless you. Keith. ❤
You do not sound selfish at all you understand the situation and you are a rational person who cares for her. She has allowed Her own hurt And anger Addiction to stuff To now victimize those around her. . You are not She is she is
There’s no getting through to a hoarder. My mom is immunocompromised with a bad health history but she refuses to throw things away, even when they’re covered in rodent feces and from the 90s. Getting them to talk about it and trying to help makes you the enemy and ends in roundabout arguments that solve nothing.
Hi Bhody,
I agree with you. Hope you are well & taking good care of yourself 💕 I'm a mom of a young child. I separated from his dad when my child was a baby because hoarding only got worse. My hubby didn't change when we got married, or when I was pregnant or now when we're on brink of divorce 😣 So sad. Hope you have a wonderful & clean place to enjoy life, even away from family. Take care 💗
Right, hell to the nawl, you better not do or say anything this woman recommended! Having a loved one who hordes is a sad scary thing!
Felt this :(
You’re right. I’m trying to find some sort of resource of what to do about someone so deep into hoarding that they’re sure to just die in their home soon- as she lets in so many stray cats, the house is rancid with cat piss, feces, and surely some animal corpses. She can’t access her bathroom, stove or fridge.
She showers outside with a hose and her hygiene is unbelievably bad. She has sores all over her skin and is obese on top of it all, yet she doesn’t seem to think she has much of a problem as she sees herself as a successful home owner since she inherited the home from her dad and hoarded it up as he died. She hasn’t worked in 20 years or more and there’s no way she could get a job.
I just helped her get an old car fixed so she at least has transportation but I’m finding that there really isn’t much else I can do for her. It just becomes too taxing on myself and I’m half her age and her niece- no one else will help. I think I just have to give up and accept that she’s gonna live how she wants and die there probably sooner than later. I’m sure it’s the same hard pill to swallow with your mom, I’m sorry to hear that it’s your fucking mom though, that I can’t imagine.
i know it's quite randomly asking but do anybody know a good website to watch new tv shows online?
Problem is; dealing with this disorder is exhausting, especially when you're stuck in the same house as the hoarder.
Any confrontation and my mother usually ends up flipping it onto me and blaming me/expecting an apology... I'm REALLY close to walking. The second I'm able I'm out of here.
We tried to sort through shit of hers and she threw out half a fucking bag and just rearranged the stacks of mess.
I can't fucking deal with this shit, and tbh, like all other mental/physical illness the onus is on the sufferer to get help; you CANNOT help someone who refuses to see they have a problem or who refuses to do anything about it.
Same here
Yeah its absolutely fucking horrible what my mom does
adressing a hoarder turns into a fight in 3 seconds
Same here. The thing about my mother is that she has always been a horrible, undesirable person. Personally, I am just hoping that she dies soon, so that I can throw away the garbage.
Very true. I tossed out some old empty boxes that were blocking a walkway and my mother called me a Democrat because it's always my way or not at all. When I asked her why she needed a 60 by 8 by 8 foot tall deck full of empty boxes she honestly said to me "for when I get time to sort things." She's had this stuff for 20 years and still hasn't found time, except to get more scrap that she swears one day will be useful so she won't have to sounds 20 cents to buy what she needs when she needs it
Thing is if we bring it up, the hoarder will feel offended and ready get confrontational with verbal lashing out.
It's true. They get verbally abusive real fast.
My dad is a hoarder. On a scale of 10, he's on level 7 I think. He brings home every garbage he sees . It's hell. He doesn't listen to anyone! Not even his family members. He says he will use them and he needs all that garbage. I don't know. I feel like these things are more important to him than his family.
Exactly! Hoarders do care about things more than people in their lives
Hoarders don't care that family members are concerned. They won't listen no matter what you do or say.
being patronizing and treating them like kids is only going to make matter worse
I was bullied, streamrolled cops threatened to call, no love you know someone like this?
I'm sure Gail Thinks she's Espousing good tips, but Hoarders Will Not Listen. Her Suggestions Are a Nice way to possibly get them to Listen to you but Nothing will help get the Hoard gone except being fined, put in Jail or Evicted and or forced to move.
These tips Seem nice but Hoarders don't want to hear it.
@Andrea Murphy
Hoarding is a compulsive disorder, it used to be considered a sub category of OCD, but is now considered its own mental illness. Just like telling an OCD person to not count steps, flick a light switch, or wash their hands, doesn’t work, telling a hoarder not to hoard won’t work. They need treatment and from there, it may or may not get better. Someone with schizophrenia could enter therapy, take medication, and may have varying results. No matter how much you tell someone having a schizophrenic episode not to do it, they “will not listen” because they aren’t capable of preventing psychosis. Hoarders can’t stop hoarding on their own. Jailing and fining the mentally ill for their disorder is counterproductive and doesn’t provide any form of long term solution. I find it strange that people pick and choose which mental health ailments to be sympathetic to and which should be handled criminally.
@@ABC-cy6ve I agree especially with that last part.
@@ms.anonymousinformer242 Thank you for reading and replying. I’m glad you agree!
None of your suggestions will work. I've been married to my hording wife for 30 yrs and I'm a very loving, nonconfrontational type of person but every time I try to have this type of conversation with her she completely freaks and immediately puts up a wall of defense. Not trying to be mean or degrading to you but this particular advice (although good advice for Simple day to day issues) will not acheive anything with a person with hordering disorders. I think many people like myself need better answers to this question. I'm stuck and still looking for my solution. Leaving is not an option as I have made a life long commitment to God and the beautiful children I've been blessed with, to love and cherish until death. So now what.....
Yeah this lady has obviously never tried to get something done with a hoarder, especially one suffering from multiple mental issues
Gail and Randybare pioneers in the field, nobody knows more. Met Randy about 10 years ago, he did note that most research and interventions involve elderly, and that living with a hoarding spouse is different. There's funding available to improve health and safety of seniors, not middle-aged people with kids and spouse.
Trace we tend to be codependent and part of the problem. It's not your fault, but believe me it will be eye opening for you to list all the things you do to accommodate the stuff. Stop helping her, help yourself.
I'm in the same boat, I cant say anything without them becoming defensive and yelling at me that I'm attacking them and picking on them, I cant throw away a single peice of garbage without them saying "what did you throw away of mine now?!" I do a side business of wood working and it's just the two of us in the house, and its completely stuffed to the point I have no room for my projects with her stuff. I just don't know what to do.
You are so right! You sound like a saint. I left my husband with my young child because of hoarding issue. This is an extremely serious issue & this video does not help people who actually live with a real hoarder 😣 Hope you take care of your own wellbeing & your children 👼 God Bless 🙏
I think hoarding can't be solved before the EMOTION which leaded to hoard.
So if someone wants to help, they may try to solve first the problem wich leaded to hoard.
If the emotion it solved the hoarder can clean up by him / her self.
But as long the emotion is there, and someone just clean up the house, they can break the hoarder heart.
💔
You, as a "specialist" must know that...
Nonsense. This may work with someone who is a bit messy. But I wonder if this woman has actually interacted with a true hoarder. They will go mental if you try to intervene. I had to go no contact with my hoarder father, he is beyond help and ruined my childhood.
Thanks you for this.... What if the hoarder won’t allow anyone inside, unless it’s an emergency?
I have only been in my friend’s place a few times, but every time it gets worse and worse. She is violating multiple laws and putting her child and neighbour’s lives at risk. When I do go in, I don’t comment about the mess anymore, because I’ll be told a billion excuses. The baby doesn’t cry when she trips and falls on the stuff and thinks cleaning the cat litter is play.
I understand addictions and mental illness better than most, but it doesn’t seem my friend understands the severity of her illness and tends to blame others instead of looking at her own behaviour. She may be evicted if she doesn’t clean up soon.
Call DHR RCPS and get a welfare check Done on her
Imagine,if you would, that you have an unhealthy emotional attachment to random objects. There's a reason for that, somewhere inside you. Imagine it's how you cope with the inner pain and loneliness you feel. Now picture someone coming into your home and tearing apart the thing that keeps you at a comfortable distance from the pain. When you ask them to stop, there's a failure of communication and they proceed to get angry with you. "You've been like this your whole life! Your home is a mess! Nobody can live like this!"
You retreat further into your coping mechanism, adding another layer to help with the new cuts you acquired.
I'm frustrated with my family member too. Come from a place of compassion if you want to make headway. They have a deep wound in their soul, and the infection is shown by the hoarding.
It's hard for me to imagine I would care more about an object than a real life person, I just can't. This is why I am struggling with my parent's hoarding because all this STUFF matters more than ME. And THEN I have to clean all that up. I am so sick of it.
The loneliness and coping mechanism makes a lot of sense for a hoarder. I gave my mother an ultimatum. Either she changes or she won't have a son.
No excuse. Everyone has their loss and trauma but to be toxic to those around you because of it is childish and selfish.
@@woodhullchick everyone has issues, some has a drinking problem others cut themselves in secret, others hoard. We all need help of some kind. Do not judge what you do not know? Your judgemental attitude is causing more harm than you know. The person and the illness are no5 one and the same. If you want to help, stop judging and rather ask a professional to help the hoarder. The hoarder is stuck and the are already hard on themselves, do not add to their burden?
@@okayman2057 did it work
I just told my wife it is the staff or me. she choose the staff, now I am watching this video while taking a break from shopping for room for rent.
Dealing with a father who does this leads no where. He gets angry and I end up just cleaning 24/7. He has never listened even if I am calm, angry, etc. He will never change and its more about what I want to do in future. I am scared to leave my home as it will be horrendous but I know eventually it will happen.
Why do none of these videos address the hoarder directly? It’s always “for friends or family of the hoarder” - but never anything for a hoarder looking for help/advice.
Been a year trying this method AND IT NEVER WORKED.
Theres no nice way to do it. The hoarder will be offended and upset at any attempt to fix it. I feel you cant worry about the hoarders feelings, and you just have to do what needs to be done. I'm in a weird spot because I live with the hoarder, so I'm constantly weighing what I can throw away versus what will upset the hoarder to the point they kick me out. Its total insanity. He has no concept of how much money is in his bank account, but if I throw away 1 ketchup packet he knows
You can't ask hoarders those questions as they know you are trying to make them get rid of things, and they simply want them exactly there.
is it ok to simply leave?. I know the situation will get worse for him if I leave he may drink to much and become depressed. I have the means to leave. I never hear a therapist say that if you can leave, just leave
Yes, it is okay to leave. It may be the hardest thing you'll ever do - and it's sometimes the only way to disentangle from someone else's untreated trauma and disorders. No hate just speaking realistically as a nearly 50 year old son of a hoarder mother dealing with increasing insanity since my Dad died 14 years ago (and on-going before then). Speaking with a qualfied therapist can help.
I would say just leave. Esp if no kids are involved. Many people want to leave but don't have the means to do it. Or don't want to subject the kids to a divorce. So neither of those issues are holding you back then I say go for it.
My mother in law is a hoarder, from my experience of 30 years of this bs, is that they are extreme narcissists and best left to drown in their paper and plastic.
My mom is not just a hoarder but filthy and messy beyound human comprehension , always argue and got a stupid excuse , she always think it’s right to have dishes piled up in her sink 10 feet high , she gave a lot of shit lying around in her room and I’m leaving the house cuz I can’t live with this anymore.
As a hoarder that is on the road to recovery, asking what we can do to help? Encourage them to come up with a plan or create lists and strategies..........
Go through the strategies etc with them........... be supportive and facilitating........... offer to order the skip........... arrange the donations etc
Remember the hoarding is there for a reason, find the reason or reasons and help tackle them!........ “Let’s tackle your lack of love together!”
But they’re avoidant and all talk and no action. When my mom dies it’s all going to trash
I can't. I just can't bring myself to ask them about the object because I just no longer care. I just can't deal with all this STUFF. I am SO OVER IT.
No offense but this lady started wrong. There’s no way she’s even experience this “confront the family member “ ?!?!?????!!!!!
Nope. She’s passed the class but not the test.
You can’t confront a hoarder. At least not by asking them why
This approach only works in the most ideal of situations. Most people are not this compromising, and will view you as condescending.
omg my sister i live her is an extreme hoarder and even blocked the fridge recently with a table of items. the hallway in our house is blocked and her room has clothes almost up to the ceiling. my mom and i are so frustrated. nothing seems to work. and she keeps buying things whenever she goes out. when confronted, she usually lashes out if pushed to get rid of the items. 😭 our fridge is filled up with items and i cant even find food in there that i purchased
I tried this a hundred times. It did not help. My mother cares more about her stuff, than any of her family members. And she takes the accidents resulting in her home as faith. I find it's like talking to a drug addict about their addiction. They will nod that it's bad, get angry if confronted, and sell their family members for their next high. It's very sad.
this will only be effective with someone with even a modicum of insight or self-awareness, won't work on my mom who has the insight of a rock
Talking to someone as if you are a therapist with scripted questions is probably the worst thing you can do. People see right through that.
Try having 2 narcissistic hoarders in the house.Any kind of converstation is too painful to bear.They don't care what you feel,not for them not for the house not for other people.
Please read these comments. The things these experts say to do don't work. They don't work. The experts don't have a clue how to cure hoarding or how to deal with it. Read these comments, family members of hoarders continue to suffer and the professionals are no help. Dr. Steketee, please realize and acknowledge that you can't really help.
My life has long since been ruined.
Why is the focus on helping the hoarder and not the family members living with a person who hoards ?
My mother got very upset when I gently asked her about the clutter thru out 3 levels of her house and I asked her why all this and she said I don't know why. I said I love you your my mom. We can get counseling and she quickly turned it down and asked me to be quiet
Then she began to explain why the clutter is happening. Trying to rationalize everything. I don't know what to do
You obviously don't know my cousin. Discussing! I moved here because were both older and our parents are gone. But what he's done to my aunt & uncles house sickens me. And try to bring it up, and I am confronted with harm.
I wish this worked. Not with my loved one. It quickly turns into a confrontation. I have basically learned to live with it but it sure stresses me out.
My daughter suffers from Hoarding Disorder. I try to remember that anorexics who are living skeletons look into a mirror and see themselves as fat. Where I see chaos and filth in my daughter's house, she very possibly does not. She has, as a hoarder, a mental illness after all. I try to remember that always. It's hard. .
The comments really help me more than the video, because it's true that hoarder hard to have conversation with
If you try advise them, they agree and understand but when they put stuff, they cant change
Always put in their usual way
You tried cleanng with them will always ended up you working alone or if they be with you, they will get angry because everything is precious
You throw it away to trash bin, and the next time you check again, it appear again because they pick it up
Enough never enough
When get confront they will hit you, throw stuff at you etc
And they will cried afterward and make you the most horrible person in this world
And you try ashaming them
Hoarder is beyond help, especially one that dont find it necessary to change their way
I dont know until when i must argue with hoarder, it's tiring, such a rollercoaster
I tried show my mom with picture of hoarder and told her that she not alone and she can change, but she always angry that i show that kind of pictures to her, because its disgusting and she is not like that
Maybe not so severe as some potrait but still she quite a hoarder
So it all back to that person themselves, they can see filth in other but not in their stuff
If they realize it, they just try cover it so they dont see it
Probably like what they dont see, dont hurt them
If someone point my mother hoarding she say that person evil, but if someone put fake smile and say its nothing, she will brag that what she have is no problem coz that kind person that fake their smile say it's okay
I really want to know, do medicine in future can help with hoarding problem
True 😢
I just cut a tree in my in laws house and he said leave the wood there in casa there’s war we use the wood for heating but he has tons of wood and just trash in his house.Makes it very difficult to be there trash and unsafe wires nails glass bricks paper metal rusty cans horrible!
Nothing helps
He says use a chest of drawer. But he says quiet gets a cleaning lady or threatens to call the police. He gaslights, bullies, no affection, no love. He steamrolls. Its crime to him. Hes going nuts looking at it. Hit the road jack. Im suffering from depression. Severed relationship. Help me. I dont own much
Say what??they get so aggressive when you ask them
sheeeiit. This isn't going to work.
I know social workers mean well But this just does not work. I have been living With this Many years with my spouse. I am a psychiatric professional. None of this works You have to treat them like you were living with an alcoholic who was actively drinking... Thinking get sober and stop Which is equivalent To getting rid of the junk and not bringing anymore in. They can go to counseling Or you can Get get out.... If you are young enough I would recommend that you get out I do not marry another 1. The only 1 that My spouse understands is firmniss
Seems mum treats me like that clutter in the corner under all that stuff that she cant remember. And she ignores all the abusive people in my life, same as all her clutter. All the people that abuse me arent trash and should stay in my life. Im covered in mouse feaces
Such an ironic metaphore of her parenting
This is awful. How old are you? You need to get some help you should not have to suffer abuse from anyone and on top of that the hoarding.
I know Exactly how you feel. I’m so sorry
All that falls on deaf ears. We should be able to lock them up, like we can with anorexia patients until they get better
Nothing
You can't help hoarders. I've resorted to not asking for their permission and throwing things out. What I don't get to I just ignore. They will never change, hoarders are borderline abusers to those who share their space
i’m so worried about being a bad person, i keep on reading these comments and i want help but i’m afraid that my need to keep everything will like, drive away those i love away from me. i want to get better but i feel like if i’ll like, die or whatever just bc i get rid of one thing, but i don’t want to feel like this anymore
but it’s like there’s something in my head telling me that if i get rid of something, then like i’ll be dumb and ungrateful and like i jusg get insanely bad thoughts. but again, i really want to get better, i truly do
@@archerrz24, I will never understand you hoarders....... THROW YOUR USELESS CRAP AWAY.... We all have to do it... You have to do it... I have to do it... The old lady down the street has to do it..... etc.
It is not the end of the world! 🙄
@@archerrz24 I hope you are able to get help and talk with someone. I think some people in the comments don’t seem to understand it isn’t just as simple as get rid of it because everyone has to.
I'm crying
Rusty old razors and rusty old bottle of shaving creme.
Why do you need this? Oh right that makes sense.
Shes kidding, right? She must have gotten he Phd from a Krakerjack box!!!!!!!!!!
Nope this is not helpful, doesn’t work. My dad will skip right over anything regarding hoarding or just go completely silent. They don’t want to hear ANYTHING that sounds like dealing w/hoarding head on. Only a professional can help w/this.
LOL this ivory tower crap does not work.
You seem to oversimplify the problem. When you try to confront a hoarder, they get extremely mad. I grew up in the most crazy f ing scenario. I really have no compassion left for hoarders. They are selfish people that prioritize garbage over humans/family
Yeah very mad…then straight to victim mode. “Look what you’re doing to me”…type thing.
No offense, but that was profoundly useless. He's destroying our marriage. He's destroying our life.
Useless advice! My mother will never gonna understand single word you said. If it would be that easy then many people will get rid of it .
my hiarder daughter just starts screaming and crying and goes on a day long hysterical rant about nothing.