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Tips for Children Helping a Family Member with Hoarding Disorder
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- Опубликовано: 2 дек 2018
- Randy O. Frost, PhD talks about what children can do to help a family member with hoarding disorder (HD).
For more information about hoarding disorder, visit hoarding.iocdf....
As a child of a hoarder.
I can say it brings me so much shame.
Like literally to my core.
It runs so f**king deep.
I just wish she could see what this has done to me over the years. I don’t even have time to unravel the hell I went thru in part because of it.
I finally mustered all my courage one day and told her after she came to my garage sale to add some things.
What were these things? Boxes and bags and bags of junk including
my clothes from the early 2000s that she thinks someone will pay money for. Wtf??
Needless to say, we sold nothing, she packed all the sh** up and brought it back home. And left crying because I told her I didn’t think she needed to add our old Starbucks mugs to her “collection” which is a toppling overflowing pile of mugs for every damn day of the year that all want to fall out at once the second u open the cupboard.
I can’t believe I grew up thinking this was in any way normal.
It EFFED my self esteem and now it just keeps me up at night watching BS videos like this.
I’m grateful just to read the comments and know I’m not alone.
Sad for everyone else who has to deal with this absolute nonsense as well.
There's a lot I want to say but I can't put it into words. My mom not only hoards but she takes the functional items and replaces them with hoarded things that don't work. For example, I'm sitting in a room with a ceiling fan that doesn't work. She ripped out a functional vanity and put one in that doesn't work so you have to wash your hands/ brush teeth in the bathtub. I feel so out of control right now. I feel hopeless. I'm old enough to leave so why am I so stuck?
@@user-ip5fm3ck4p i left when I was just 16 years old. It was the only way to save me and my sanity. She was never there for me then and im not there for her now, not anymore.
You are not alone. It sucks and it’s not your fault.
You could have had all the garage sale stuff given to goodwill or tossed and handed her $50 and said “wow! Give me more things and I’ll sell them for you!” Reward the good behavior. It’s true that hoarders are narcissists and their entrenched behavior is incredibly selfish however they also aren’t capable of making changes the way a normal person is. Any sign of change (like donating to a garage sale) is in fact a huge step. Your exasperation is perfectly understandable and it’s important that your parents effort, even if feeble and broken, be encouraged.
I know how you feel. I have accepted that my own mother will never be able to let go of her stuff and that I cannot help her. Lost so much energy trying to all my life. We cannot force them to accept help if they don’t want it. Also, all the crazy behaviour when it comes to cleaning up/throwing stuff away - we have to look at it as what it is: A serious mental illness. Once I realized that, it makes it a bit easier to come to term with. I also establish strong boundaries with her for my own sakes. I cannot do anything for her than to wait until she dies and then have all her stuff thrown away.
My parents' house has been a hoarder pig sty since I was born. You get to the point where you realize it will never be clean until your parents die. Heartbreaking but it's reality.
I agree! All that crap that they sacrificed their family for can't go with them when they enter the gates of heaven. It will stay here for us to have to deal with.
Tbh this disorder pisses me off... I do some cleaning and my mom yells at me for throwing stuff away. And when guests come over I take the blame for having a messy home. Idk what to do cause I’m still too young to be able to live on my own smh
My dad gets mad when we throw away his stuff too but he definitely has a problem
Same for me i love to clean but after cleaning the house my father gets mad cuz i keep throwing unnecessary stuff that he doesn't even need like it's literally a trash. But idc if he gets mad cuz i still throw it away. Then weeks or months later you'll see him having a bag full of broken stuffs again and make them as his display or just put it in the corner 🤦♀️ I feel so dizzy, my head hurts when i see him with that trash i can't explain how i feel but dang why hoarder even exist 😭 he's not a lazy person but i know that he can control it if he only cares to ppl around him.
And that part when someone visit the house i feel guilty for having a messy dirty house and they will tell me that i should have clean the house. I wanna tell them don't point at me if you just know the truth -_-
@@lnwkajwkwmb82y2g I heard somewhere that hoarding is a type of coping mechanism, but it sucks so bad lol... I tried to think of strategies to remove the stuff my mom doesn’t need and I tried convincing her, but they failed. Tbh I think it’s best to just let them be and hopefully they learn their lesson; we don’t really have no control over people’s choices or habits so it’s kinda pointless to make them change... Imma just wait till i’m ready to move out and I would just work on myself for now, if I focus too much on my parents and their problems I would probably go insane and start to hate them...
same bro. The arguments get to me and ik now that this house is the source of my depression.
@@yarelixm Tbh I don’t have much advice on how to deal with this problem, but the only thing you can do is to focus on yourself for now, and maybe wait till you can move out... Focusing on it might make you even more depressed, and there really isn’t much we can do about it
my mom is disgusting, for her 55th birthday (I was 16) I cleaned the entire downstairs. I was so proud of my self, and I had thrown out garbage but kept stuff I was uncertain of and all she did was scream, cry, and ground me for it. She refuses help, and I am beyond angry with her. I hate having people over, I hate that she thinks everything is okay the way it is, and I am beginning to wonder if I hate her.
Hey if you need someone maybe we can chat. I am in a very very similar situation. It really helps to talk to people who understand.
@@nellybutton is the chat offer still available? I could really use it :/
@@biancanicola7475 Hi, my mum is a hoarder and it's been that way for a long time. I know it's related to her Childhood trauma, and then plenty more trauma ... but now I feel so dispirited as she is probably going to be kicked out of her flat and won't face reality. So I hear you. It's so sad.
@Coen Kaden Yup, I've been watching on Kaldrostream for months myself :D
Hey it’s okay my moms the same way she basically left her home to me and my brothers and moved in with her boyfriend. And if we get rid of anything she does not care about the room being clean the first thing she does is freak out like WHERE ARE MY THINGS
You know, when there's a million things in the house, no one has time to process the on the spot emotional attachment meaning of each object. I've listened to my mom change the story repeatedly, on every saved rubber band, pen, ice cream container, old notebook, clothes that don't fit, boxes, art supplies, unopened mail, receipt, plastic lid, old battery, yogurt cup, you name it, that garbage has meaning. A new meaning until the resistance stops resisting.
My mom destroyed her entire home. Dealing with this in her for over 40 years, asking family to let them process the meaning of every object is completely unattainable.
You get it. It's exhausting.
@@beastly.warner I do. So called authorities keep treating hoarding as a "disorder" when it is an unresolved trauma response. They aren't dealing with the trauma causing the clutter.
Yes! Tired of seeing these recommendations that family members just compassionately help clean up once the hoarder is ready. I'm not saying people aren't deserving of help. But who on Earth has the time?
These comments are all very upsetting. I hope everyone here gets through it.
I want to say something that not everyone might agree with but it might help some people. At the end of the day, you have to make sure you are okay. Dont sacrifice your own life.
Do everything you can to work your ass off, save as much money as you can, be disciplined and get the hell out. It is liberating. When you are financially stable it will save you.
Yes! I moved miles away from that horrific situation.
Been helping a hoarder. This is all well and good until you realise that you have thrown away literally, not figuratively 27 cubic metres of stuff and you're only half way done. And, next time you see them they are carrying as many bags as they can from the mall of shopping with new useless crap. And, the person Who adked for help, most of the time doesn't even feel like there's a problem with the situation.
I have seen this. It helps when they agree to call their bank and spend a weekly spending limit on their accounts. Otherwise, the net flow will always be more stuff coming in than what is going out.
@@mechkitten Good suggestion, I will try that.
It scares me when I think about how rich this person would have been if not for the piles of useless things given their low living costs and good salary.
@@MrNeutross In a way, the scarcity mindset is having them keep worthless multiples when they could afford a single version of the best quality.
Shopping? Did you even watch the video?
My mother was a hoarder, albeit a fairly organised one. There weren't piles of unsanitary trash, but the house was still filled with her collections. She refused to get rid of any of it. When she passed away last year, our family was left to deal with all that clutter, most of which none of us wanted, so it ended up having to be sold or donated. The moral is: deal with all your stuff and cut it down to the minimum while you're physically and mentally able to, because you can't take it with you, and the last thing your family needs is to have to deal with your hoard when they're grieving.
My mom just cried because she didn't want to get rid of popsicle sticks. I can't. This is so ridiculous 🙄
ugh, that's hard. Sending you white light!
That's literally my mom. She bought a toaster oven yesterday...she already has two. I really don't understand her mind
@@eliettydevesa my mother in law literally... Has multiples of everything. I didn't care until she started "gifting" us her shit. Craziness.
Mine keeps moldy food
Yup, but this man thinks we should have sooooo much empathy for THEM and it’s the adult children’s responsibility to help their parents. WTH. If this is how all doctors that study HD are, we are in big trouble.
To suggest that an adult who was raised in a hoarding environment return to the location of the trauma - when the hoarder is still alive and living among the hoard - is irresponsible. You wouldn't suggest that an adult victim of childhood incest return to the pedophile's home to help the abuser recover. We need to start calling what being raised in a hoarding environment actually is - it is abuse. A survivor of ANY abuse bears absolutely no responsibility for rehabilitating the abuser.
Exactly!
Yup! These so called HD specialists are nuts. Hoarders just manipulate psychiatrists/therapists/etc. but then they act like they are an authority even though self-report data is always flawed. Smdh.
Well because at the end of the day it's all about the hoarder. It's all about tip toeing on their feelings and you don't want that volcano to erupt at all. Keep it quiet, don't make her cry or lash out. No, They are a bunch of narcissistic parents that used us kids as a crutch and a verbal punching bag when you opened your mouth with any concern. How about we talk about how to live a normal life after living with an abusive hoarder Mother?
My mom is a hoarder, not only with her stuff but my stuff included. I still have trash and just random things from my school days that I don’t care for but she just claims it’s all her stuff and forces me to keep it stored in my room. I stopped buying myself anything for my room now, even if I bought it with my own money, she won’t allow me to throw it away or at least take it out of my room.
That is so horrible! I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any family members who you could go live with instead?
This psychologist needs to understand that people don’t have to visit hoarder houses, it gives distress and anxiety which is not fair for those who are not hoarders.
I believe truly in connection to solve a problem as Big as this, yes they are fucked up, But it's like a Demon thats pulling up their strings, theyre victims of a bigger issue, hoarding it's just the medium, now as an adult children of a hoarder, You have a keen insight into what, how and why this disorder happens. Theyve never received help, as i said before, theyre fucked up. Offer them the help that You once needed, they Will eventually see it peeking through. And they Will adjust accordingly, they'll acept You as their Ally.
Bro my mom literally JUST yelled, screamed and cursed at me as if I did something wrong for throwing away expired seasonings in 2019. She mentioned it in 2022…3 YEARS LATER. She said “I don’t have a budget to replace seasonings” but the next day she went out to by nail polish she already had, but couldn’t find, directly on her nightstand covered in junk. 💔 bro this shit is LAME AF
It’s bc it is a serious mental health illness. You have to look at it that way. I know exactly what you are talking about bc I have been through the same. Been yelled at for trying to clean up and secretly throwing trash away when I was a child. She even talks to me about it 20years later as if I committed a crime. It hurt me so much until I just accepted the fact that it is a real illness she suffers from. And she doesn’t want to accept help. So I cannot do anything for her condition. I can and do, however, set strong boundaries now and deal with healing the trauma that comes from a childhood living in a hoarder environment. We are not responsible for another adults decisions. I will have her apppartment cleaned and stuff thrown away when she dies. But until that day, there is no sense in any attempt to help. Yes, sad. But it is what it is
Omg i already did this to my father and every item to him has a meaning even it doesn't make sense. Trash is important to him and he doesn't care about the ppl around him.
There must be an element of selfishness, how can you not be selfish if merely your 'stuff' is more valuable than your loved ones emotional and physical well being? Its depressing looking at a box or bag, part of a hoard. It fills me with anxiety whenever she brings stuff home. Its a cruel thing to do to someone you've chosen to bring into this world.
@@skullsaintdead it's like i was just born just to suffer since he only care about his own happiness.
@@lnwkajwkwmb82y2g I know exactly where your coming from (I feel much the same way myself; I think I was born to fill a void of happiness within my mother, but obviously, as her hoarding has grown, so too has the depression). The happy baby/happy mother didn't/doesn't work and now the daughter is depressed too (though I don't horde at all, more of a minimalist).
I'm so sorry you have to endure this. If you can, remember his lack of self worth does not define you. You have worth. Your feelings are valid. You have been burdened with sadness, not of your making, you didn't ask to be born to a hoarder. No parent should ever allow their children to suffer needlessly, especially when its in their power to stop and seek treatment. I hope you can break free out of such a toxic environment.
@@skullsaintdead you're so nice thank you for your kind words i really appreciate it. I also watch some videos about minimalist/minimalism, if i can survive this miserable life im hoping to be and have a minimalist place.
@@lnwkajwkwmb82y2g You're most welcome, I do the same! Though I'm into videos of tiny houses atm, you kind of have to be a minimalist for them. I too, dream of a minimalist place (for context: a 'minimalist' home is normal for most families, your father should never kid you into believing his house/behaviours are normal and contort your idea of what is/isn't normal, being angry at your children isn't normal, hoarding things you'll never use isn't normal). I really hope you're able to escape one day soon, it would be utterly exhausting and depressing living in such an environment (my mothers hoard, whilst problematic, isn't the worst and I've still got my room to escape into, which isn't interfered with).
This guy needs to talk to my mother because at this point, I want to hire a swat team just to help my mother. Tired of this shit. I can’t afford to move us into a 10 million dollar mansion so she can keep all of her keepsakes.
I get his points, but at the same time I don’t. It’s clear to me that he hasn’t lived in it or experienced it. The irony of saying that they hold onto trash because they’re afraid to forget memories of people they love, meanwhile we had thousands of very literal photographs - photos of her and my dad, our ancestors, all of my baby and childhood photos - that were all at high risk of being destroyed in the hoard. I had to rescue them all, or they were about to get chewed or peed on by rats. The entire point of photos is to preserve memories, but she’ll take better care of the trash in my old bedroom than actual photos of me. So much for wanting to “hold onto memories”.
Have the same, and i lost few important picture from my mother hoarding
I end up take photo of each pciture so make sure i have digital version, so i kind of give up if she want to throw it away in the end
They problem with judging what really important
Unless we can approach our family members without judgment, they will never stop being argumentative. If someone came in criticizing you for your house, your job, the way you live your life, is the first thing you would do to cave in and agree? or to fight them? It's a natural human response to want to fight off this threat to identity. So I think we must have patience and curiosity with compassion, rather than an agenda we're fighting for. Asking questions is great advice, I will try this.
How you get the result? Mine always crying and blame me that i' the evil child for throw her stuff away
Talk with advise when she agree and understand, she unable to change, she keep repeating herself with hoarding stuff
Why are they so mean/dismissive though? Does it take some degree of selfishness to see that 'your' stuff is more valuable than someone else's space, peace and mental health? I feel depressed just looking at my mothers hoarding boxes and bags, when I have to turn to get to a light switch, twist my back, when I have to ask to throw away bits of plastic because 'oh, no, its not environmentally friendly so just keep it in the house'. I get anxious when she goes op shopping or gets stuff for free. Its depressing not living in a tidy, normal home.
So sad youre going through that.
The bit about the hoarder seeming mean and dismissive struck a chord with me, I can totally relate.
Maybe it helps to know your not alone in feeling these ways.
@@missread5932 Thank you, I agree, knowing others living with hoarders feel similarly is comforting. It helps to validate your feelings. Thanks for sharing.
It's a power struggle they have to "win." That's why they are mean about it.
@@michellefarris3961 Yeah, I've noticed its even just moving stuff too, there must be a possession/loss of power element. We have so much stuff in the kitchen that we barely use on shelves that should be kept clear for our frequently-used items, but me simply moving that unused, unopened foods set her into a defensive spin.
"I won't be able to find my stuff!", I responded "Well, just have a look in the cupboard a little further from the kitchen, where our lesser used items are", she retorts, "But I won't be able to find it! It'll take me 15 minutes to find my stuff!", I respond, "No, it will take probably 1-2 minutes". All I'm thinking is 'if we had less stuff, it wouldn't be so hard to find what you need!'. Sigh. Its exhausting.
Why would she get stressed at me just moving food? I didn't even ask to throw anything out! And she never finds things either, she will glance at where I've suggested an item would be, tell me its not there and then get into a huff. It will usually take me 5-10 seconds to find the item. Why? Do they get stressed just looking at their hoard, or interacting with it? Its very frustrating to be blamed for losing stuff, when its not even lost but she just won't look for it.
@@skullsaintdead The blaming the partner seems to be common with hoarders. Very little of it makes sense. They can't seem to wrap their minds around very basic concepts and end up alienating those close to them. It's a very strange disorder and not as curable as these videos make it sound.
I just discovered this series of vids and it has already changed my perspective of my mom. From being angry and annoyed with her behaviour, now I feel a little sorry for her and a little better about the fact that all my attempts to make her see reason failed. I thought she was just being an egoistic biscuit 😠 but i see now that this is typical hoarder behaviour.
I really don’t think understanding them helps, this is something else. Something in their brain is seriously wrong or off somehow and we have yet to find a way to heal or fix it. My mom has a huge storage unit full of stuff and stuff currently in the house. Me and my husband own the home and I finally told her it needs to be gone. She never uses anything in that unit EVER.
I think some most therapists don’t do or don’t know how to is make someone with this mindset of hoarding understand how they are hurting their family. My mom does not get it she says things like “it’s my stuff what’s the big deal, don’t worry it’s not your sh*t, it’s my stuff I’ll throw it away or go through when I want.”
This is very selfish and show a lack of empathy to loved ones who are only trying to help. This mindset is in every hoarder they get mean and nasty unlike themselves and I wonder why? Why can she understand something but not this? Makes absolutely no sense. Being understanding does nothing except allow it continue and worsen. Truly feel like my mom will never get better. But I did find comfort knowing I’m not the only person in the world to experience this because I feel the shame of a messy house all growing up and now as an adult when I allowed her to live with us, I regret a lot looking back and that makes me sad yet I don’t think my mom will ever understand this. But I got comfort knowing someone does understand me
I have improved over the years.Sometimes you could slide back if you dont watch, read,ect on keeping with it. Thats why a dose of hoarders or shows like Cass the Clutter Bug are good to watch to remember your goals,new standards ect. I say, oooh, dont want to be like that! Pertaining to a hoarder. I let my 17 yr. old convince me the other day,not to keep some nice pieces of packaging.Could be good for something! I am glad I listened to him and put it in recycle.Back in the day with young ones I kept this sort of stuff for them to be creative, have fun. Dont need that now. Hard to let go of those concepts.Always helps to talk to others about this.Has to be with ones who have been there,they understand better, moreempathy. Their empathy helps,share the burden. I could talk for hours on this. I wish their was a club on this subject.
Almost like HA ~ Hoarders Anonymous. Many hoarders have shopping addictions or irrational thought patterns as to why they should keep X Y Z (even things like animal poop and hair). It would be good to hold eachother accountable.
I grew up like this and it always ended with me upsetting my parent. It was frustrating but I understand now as a adult that they have a condition and I want them to live in a place I would be comfortable picturing them in not necessarily what they want or feel comfortable in. Something about organizing endlessly and moving the same stuff around for decades seems to give them purpose and comfort. I honestly don’t know what they would do if the job was ever truly finished. I am sad about it because I like to imagine if they didn’t constantly need to worry about totes and storage facilities, shredding mail, organizing that they would have a relaxing, happy life and have time to do things more rewarding and fulfilling but again, I think that’s just what I want, not them. It’s tough.
I used to live in a hoarding home for 20 years. My aunt kept bringing broken chairs, old clothes, even leaves into our home. My mom didn't even say anything and just tole me to clean up. I couldn't invite people to my house. Despite my effot of cleaning the house, my aunt messed it up. One day, my friend visited me, and the next day, she told everyone in the class that my house looked like a junk yard 😢 Finally, I live in a nice house now, and i don't have to live with my aunt, but the past is still haunting me
My mom doesn't even throw away sponges
This whole thing blows. Why can't life be normal.
I can understand the need to process each item and reflect on why the hoarder is attached to it, but when we're dealing with potentially 100s of thousands of items in the form of various documents, photographs, trinkets, etc. (not to mention things that are still coming into the home) it's hard to imagine making any progress.
Exactly. It’s difficult enough for most adults to manage their own family, lives, bills, etc. How are people supposed to be able to help a mentally ill person sort through thousands of pieces of garbage that they don’t want to part with? Who on earth has the time for something like this?
I understand the terrible frustration, but remember to try being a bit empathetic towards people with this disorder. It is usually form trauma or some deep-rooted form of indecisiveness, usually with some element of it they can't control. They don't hate you, are not selfish, they just simply don't see the need to throw those things away. They need to be worked into a healthy mindset, which can be difficult for both the parties involved but still, try to understand them ❤
Yes, there’s a lot of focus on the pain the disorder causes family members, which is legitimate and also has to be dealt with, but it would help everyone involved to understand that this is a cognitive disorder and just as with any illness, when the root causes can be healed, the symptoms- (in this case, gathering and holding onto excessive things) can be resolved. It’s hard to see a loved one ill, but adapting with compassion and education helps more than festering in resentment and anger.
And who will help the family member that suffer?
Get compassion to them, but at what limit? It's not easy to do especially no one as support for the family member
Compassion itself if not combine with their willingness to change will result to burnout
Some of them probably know they have problem but dont want to change or do whatever they could to stop
What do you do if your suddenly sharing a home? My elderly parents moved in with my husband and I, with our 3 young children. They do have their own room and kitchen. My husband and I are trying to compromise and be understanding. We do feel like they are trying to take over our whole house though. For example, when a piece of furniture that is old, and broken down doesn't fit into their space, they try to put it in ours. Then when we say, "no thank you." They just cramm it back into theirs. I honestly don't know what to do. We knew this would be a difficult transition, but I don't feel them compromising at all.
Hoarders don't compromise at all. Theres no logic in their behaviour and theres no reasoning with them. My sister would rather live in isolation and have me move out than get rid of her crap. She reacts like I'm the insane one when I try to clean but relies on me heavily to keep the house running - something she can't do on her own although she'll never admit it. She has no friends, I can't have friends, family or technicians come over to fix things in the house because it's too much for me to clean everything to hide the fact that my sister has a problem and its affected my life badly. If your parents can be reasoned with then you'll have to make it very clear that their living there is dependent on them not compromising your family's quality of life. Rather take some action while it's mild hoarding. My family thought I was just being unreasonable because when it started a few years ago, no one really noticed. Now that the filth is becoming unbearable no one wants to get involved because of her volatile reactions. The sad thing is hoarders lose empathy with their family when it comes to hoarding. If you watch videos on hoarding on youtube, you'll see that family and friends start distancing themselves from hoarders because they hoarder would rather keep all of their stuff and have no one around. Experts and psychologists ask family to be sympathetic but hoarders are narcissistic and very selfish and eventually you'll have to choose your own sanity over their need to hoard.
Learn about boundaries. The book, Boundaries, by Dr.s Cloud and Townsend gave me the most useful tools to deal with my hoarding loved ones. You're on the right track by not allowing them to bring things into your space, but you really need to be clear about what is allowed, and what isn't, and what the consequences will be for their choices. You have to make hard decisions and hold your ground on a daily basis with hoarders. They always want to be in control and will often have a tantrum to distract and deflect to get you to back down. Adult children of hoarders are expected to be understanding, gracious, and empathetic despite our trauma from growing up with a mentally ill parent.
They most definitely follow a logic, they often have a very good rational for why they have the thing, what you need to point out is what they will gain from the absence of that object and how the value they will gain from its absence outweighs the value they gain from its presence. You have to remember that each small decision is logical in its own way but collectively the collection of objects is irrational. I have dealt with multiple hoarding family members and let me tell you it will test everything in you to help them because they can cause a lot of pain but ultimately you should realize that you are there to help them not to impose your personal desires on them so you can't count it as a personal failing if you fail to get something specific accomplished, the really important thing in my opinion is being there for the person and slowly moving them to action.
@@jn8922 I think Rjee has a point in that there is a logic, it completly chaotic and perhaps it is has Randy Frost is saying that it is a visual cue for either nostalgia or a reminder of daily issues. It's almost like a sort of trophies of accomplishment. The thing Jenny needs to realize is that hoarders are often indespensible elements of communities, and I'm not saying that it is the hoarding that makes them so - the hoarding is just a detail - they are indispensible and because you will notice how hard it is to isolate them. If their behavior can't be punished by being isolated by others then you are stuck with them. You need them. Dispite every ill they do, they still serve some societal role that give them an edge over those under their grasp. You have to realize that they are black holes, and if you fall past the event horizon you'll be stuck for ever with them. So get out while you can.
@@LadyBeatrixMcCormick And other people see being premptively defensive as being a mean person. What they don't see is that we know where he path leads. These people (hoarders) are really cancerous. They have to suck your marrow to feed their success.
I'm at the point where I can't visit my mum anymore. Despite me having cleared the house for her before my mum has let it get to the point of vermin infestations, black mould and so muc dust. I'm asthmatic, immunocompromised and pregnant and just being in her house means I'm having asthma attacks for days. She's in her 70s and has fallen in her home badly enough to require hospital three times in 2 years and has said if I put her in an aged care facility she will un-alive herself. I know she means it, too. She has made me feel so trapped and helpless even after getting a psychology degree. One day she will din in that mess, because of that mess and that is how she wants it.
I feel your pain, my mom is 70 to and my dad. Its like they have lost all motivation and don't want to get rid of things that are taking over their house. I haven't been let in for several years, I have to find my way in to check on them. The hardest part will be biting my tongue because I tried to talk some sense to her. And she shut me out until she had breast cancer, I took her to appointments and she doesn't want to let me in her home. My only hope is my dad who didn't know she was keeping me out. I get to deal with all of this sooner or later. its very depressing to see the place that used to be so organized. I know I need a support system to deal with this and work with disabled individuals that have more motivation than them. Mental illness doesn't help the situation either. God knows I will keep trying and praying to help them, I love them so much! The sad fact is they have to want to help them selves too.
The problem with hoarding is the utter selfishness of the disorder. It creates such overwhelming toxicity in the home, in the physical space, in the human relationships, and there's no beating it. It never ends. Loved ones are forced to live in chaos until it impedes on safety and sanity.
My mom is the sweetest lady she’s late 40s but ever since my dad left about 13 years ago my mom just got addicted to the internet and let her house go to shambles sure enough we were actually able to sell that home and move and sure enough even though my father bough her her own home she just would come home day after day with sometimes 10 goodwill bags filled with clothes for sizes we had already grown out of. I’d do anything to help my mom it’s almost like she needs help but wants a clean house and i feel like it’s impossible. Idk how to explain how pointless all these things are but at the end of the day I’m still her son and my opinion just doesn’t carry any value she thinks we’re just *picking* on her. The worst part is it’s just my two little brothers there now and I just hope maybe once the youngest graduates something will change
Op shop and goodwill shops have alot to answer for!!!!!!
My dad is a hoarder. 😢😭
So is my mum
My Dad is an extreme hoarder
@@cv5686 My dad has so much stuff in his room it completely covered his bed, he has to sleep on the couch in the living room and he's the only one that goes outside during this pandemic and I'm scared he's going to get the rest of my family sick and my grandpa is 98 years old and it's so stressful
My dad also :(
Imagine, ever since around 5 yrs. old until 2nd.child born, I was quite the minimalist.Something changed after that. I think I can answer that. Hard to beleive how that goes. Getting back to my former self now. Slow process, but getting there! We sure do have a hard time letting things in our lives go. Ideas, concepts, beliefs!
Thank you! My siblings and I are trying to help our parents. Our dad has advancing Alzheimer's and thus not keeping mom's behavior in constant check. We are trying to help make the house safe and get in home health worker assistance for our dads condition. I know alot of mom's stuff is kept for the need to recycle and waste nothing. We joke that she would recycle tp if she could, her "recycle absolutely everything" is the hardest part to deal with.
Sometimes it comes to adult protective services. If she can't keep it safe enough for him to get the care he needs, he may be forced out of the house.
Often it takes the person realizing they have to choose between their things and important relationships to instigate that change. You can always pick them up & take them for donation & recycling for her. Explain to her that they will get repurposed when they're recycled. For eg) she doesn't have to keep a bunch of scrap paper bc they turn it into new books, TP, cardboard, etc.
My father abandoned us when I was 8. My single mother is a covert narcissist. My aunt who stays with us, is a compulsive hoarder. My sister says she hates me because in our narcissistic family dynamic, she was the scapegoat and I was the golden child. While in reality I paid heavily for being the golden child. I've grown up to be a mere extension of my mother with no mind of my own. The guy I fell in love with, won't commit. He's going to marry someone else soon.
Wow! God really loves me!
And yet I bet you are a good friend, and I bet you are a kind person. Boundaries is where it's at. I didn't even know what a boundary really was until I was in my 40's. I don't believe in God in a 'guy in the sky' way, but there is a higher power that will assist you. Don't stop asking.
As a daughter of hoarders who also suffers from it, and is also disabled, how can we begin?
One item at a time. And stop the influx of things. It is too easy to acquire.
My mom is a hoarder and I am becoming a hoarder in an effort not to have her “mad at me” for getting rid of things...I’m aware so I’m not going to good will to see if I can “find a good deal”...all I can say is one day at a time...celebrate the small victories.
Ideas: 1) What is something you love that isn't a material item? For example, being in nature, or sitting and meditating, listening to music. Make that a focus each day for a period of time. 2) Find a spiritual practice that helps to keep you present to what really is. It doesn't have to be religious, it could be as simple as closing your eyes and saying 'I am the light, you are the light, we are the light'. 3) Find out about the vagus nerve. Hoarders often suffer from trauma and there are some simple movements that you could do daily to help you. 4) Look into EMDR therapy 5) Know you are not alone. xxxx
Try to focus on being proud of yourself for surviving the traumatic things that have happened in your life. Realize that you tried to fight back against something you felt helpless against, but what you need, you have inside you. And it is waiting out in the world for you. The peace you get from not being weighed down by too much is something you can have and something you deserve. The stuff is not helping you, so appreciate who you were, and what you thought this would do, and know that it’s time to say thank you and let it go. You will get there, little by little.
I have it, but never realize it until i lived alone and saw i cant clenaing my stuff. And at that time i took organizing and cleaing stuff seriously
I think the children still have change to changing more than the parents as long as they conscious what they do is not normal
But if they stay at the same space with their parents they will never realize it, because it's norm
Feel ashamed is def will exist when they lived with their hoarding parent
This is futile.
What most of these videos don’t address, and I think what a lot of us are looking for, is empathy towards the ones who have to deal with family hoarders. Where is our empathy? Being in the hoard causes mental distress by association. Cluttered room, cluttered mind. Their unhealthy mental state (reflected in the physical hoarding) then jumps into your mental state. It’s very exhausting, not to mention we have to put our lives on hold to deal with it. I’m at the point of wanting to curse them for what they’re putting me through, but that likely won’t help anything. And in my situation I can’t simply “walk out.” Eventually, it is inevitable that I will be the one tasked with cleaning out the house. It is my fate.
My dad suffers from hoarding disorder.
He sensitive to hear the word "trash" or "junk" or "messy".
Easy to get into a fight with my dad if we bring it up. Even with the processing part... We bring it up, my dad gets offended and can even get verbally abusive too...
It's sad to see my dad this way and I feel powerless to help him see the way...
Okay, so after you ask them what each item means to them and why those items are important to them and you quietly listen to that, where do you go from there? How does that help them reduce the amount of stuff they have so their not living in a fire trap? This information isn’t help. It’s only good for keeping things status quo. Hopefully the suggestion about visiting them more often might make a little difference, but as far as I can see, it’s still a hopeless, devastating situation for all involved.
I agree. It's all very well to keep the peace, but my mum is now facing eviction for her place being a fire hazard. She will not face reality.
Psycho babble.
Same as saying. Do nothing and hope it goes away. Great thanx.
I have been nice. Visit. Accepting ignoring.
Yay just accept they have terminal hording that cant be fixed yay thanx
It is virtually impossible to get inside the hoarders head.. HOW?
My dad likes to keep alot of jackets to the point he needs 2 more closets for the jackets while my brother and i share only one, what should i do
Unless he has a house full of jackets it's probably ok
Borrow a jacket of his and tell him he has great taste in jackets!😉☘If you bug him too much,you may overwhelm him and ha may feel you are getting rid of a part of him! Though I was joking a bit in the beginning,I am serious.I hoard and my Brother threw lots of my things out,and even after 13 years,it pisses me off.Still.I get along w/ him,but i can't trust him w/ stuff! Maybe ( I know we are annoying) you can convince him to donate at least a few to a homeless shelter? Something like that? I am still working on my stuff,and it is getting better.Good luck.I miss my Dad,I still have some of his clothes and wear them.🕊💖☘
I hate this, cause my mother tries to be a victim when when I point the fact that the city can inspect her place if they think it's a fire hazard. She'll pull weeds yard but won't get rid of the car that hasn't worked for 8 years in the driveway. She goes to the local church for free food and has closets full of canned & boxed food. I can't get rid of the food as fast as she gets it.
Firstly Hoarding ISN'T a DISORDER!! It is a coping mechanism that is the result of deep neediness often from childhood that is then triggered by an intense emotional event such as the loss of a loved one. The collecting is an internal attempt to heal the unfillable void of neediness that they carry, THAT is why they find it so difficult to part with things, it's like trying to remove a child's security blanket. The only true solution is to help the sufferer to resolve their neediness and loss, then the desire to hoard quite naturally diminishes. It is cruel to remove a hoarders "Stuff" without helping them to resolve these deeply painful issues FIRST. This is quite a different issue from the situation where people have just collected too much stuff over the years.
Do you know anyone who’s tried this?
@@Mikaelebl I have been helping people with this and many other issues for over thirty years and have clients and students all over the world.
@@magicalumbrella7151 how to reolve their neediness especially they dont want to hear or maybe just half listenin their children advise?
In case where they also have no freind
your channel may really help me out! Thank you!
What if the family member doesn't want to share why the hoarder trash is important to them? What about a coffee ground jar filled with egg shells and vegetable peels sitting on a pile of newspapers that are 10 years old, and they aren't a gardener? Or a rotting fat in a bag that they decided to leave on the side of a porch railing?
Exactly. When my husband tries to (the operative word being “tries”, I’m sure you understand why) get his dad to clean out ANYTHING, his hoarding father will go on and on about where he got this, when he got that, it’s important because of x,y, and z, and so on and so forth. They do this because they know their adult child will tire of it, and they will win out on keeping their stuff because their adult child will never want to come back and help. Not to mention he has a 2,500 sq ft home hoarded, along with his car and truck, two trailers, a shipping container, and two storage lockers. What this so-called professional is suggesting is so incredibly unrealistic, it’s almost laughable, but those of us who have a hoarder ruining our lives can’t laugh about it, cause it’s not funny. These people studying HD really need to be honest with themselves about the limitations of their “research” as well as the fact that they have been manipulated into believing the hoarder.
You can't make this stuff up.
i wanna watch this video again with my nephew , but i don't wanna traumatize him and making him believe that he has to stay with his mother forever :( , im more worried about him honestly
My mom said I can only throw things out when she’s dead
Ironically. How can we tell what is actual heirloom stuff. What actually has meaning . And what is simply empty trash. When they die. IDk Theres so much stuff.
I lived with my grandmother, she says the same thing. I live with my mom now, she's hoarding too...
I’m not sure what to do. My twin and my mother all live together and are all disabled. It’s been a really incredibly difficult, stressful and frustrating journey through the past few years and rn we have no way to move away. But in reality; we don’t want to leave we just want things to change. My mom isn’t like an extreme hoarder but I feel that if we were to leave it would only get worse. It’s straining our relationships and mixing in other factors it’s so hard to not blow up. It makes me hurt so horribly that this is where we are now. Im not sure that hoarding would be the word but it’s what seems to fit best. How do you help a loved one who you are actively living with with something like this?? I’m doing as much research as possible and I feel the best thing would be for a mediator or therapist to help us get through this but even getting therapy for myself is something that’s been almost impossible. I want to enjoy a nice Christmas but I can’t help but feel embarrassed, exhausted and overwhelmed. Our father is coming to be with us and instead of enjoying the holiday we’re freaking out and tensions are high trying to just clear out enough room for a fucking Christmas tree. I wish things weren’t like this.
My mothers been a hoarder for as long as I can remember. I had to recently move back home due to my partner and I separating and oh my god let me tell you it gets worse every time I’m here. And the older I get the less understanding of it I become, it went from “oh that’s just how mommy is” when I was younger to “dear god how do you let it to continue to get so bad” it’s incredibly depressing and frustrating, I love my mom to death but as an only adopted child it makes it incredibly hard to “cut her off” as I feel I owe her. Even though I know this abusive behavior has had a devastatingly negative impact on my whole life. I’m writing this sitting in my car in the driveway with a fresh mop and pine sol at 2:03 am dreading going back inside. Knowing that I can keep my area clean is not enough anymore. Theirs no kitchen, living room or even a downstairs bedroom anymore, it’s all been taken over by stuff and things. Don’t even get me started on the exterior.
I know it’s hard because she gave you an opportunity but you also need to understand that you need to care for yourself and remind yourself that shes just sick, u dont necessarily need to cut her off or be there all the time, just check in. Again my mom is a hoarder so i know how stressful it is
@@Remygarcia1717 thank you! I really appreciate your comment and kind words. Just an update tho, my mom has actually started to move shit out and get rid of unnecessary things, it’s still not good but she’s making progress and therapy has helped me a lot with moving back in. Hope all goes well for you!! :)
@@ComradeReigns thats good im happy to hear that, and im working with her and make her understand is wrong
Our neighbours have 3 children and a hoarding disorder - they are lazy, always late and mean. For example we had to pay for a builder to work on a sharded roof. They agreed to pay their share (about $60), they agreed the day and they agreed to have the cash come the day. Come the time, they said they didn't get to the bank yet. Oldly enough they responded really well to violence. As soon as my guy went ape on them both, I mean properly "I will beat sense into you" they started to sort out their problems there and then. I mean he went Army Drill Sergeant, all out face in the mud mad on them both! It worked a treat! They came up with the money in minutes, and started to clean up their yard... The truth is these people have either been brought up wrong or are just lazy and spoilt. Now I get it, we can't just take matters into our own hands (though it's tempting), and I get this is aa mental problem but these people are causing problems for others that show lack of consideration and empathy. How long are we going to keep this snowflake approach up? I mean what's the success rate for curing this so called disorder? I say gloves off for a month and no more hoarders. Just a thought.
Before the visit is always comments about one’s clutter not seen . Family wants the messy person throw everything away latterly everything . In the conversation is people they know that say if you don’t use it in 6 months throw it away . Who throws away their seasonable clothes ? What about emergency supplies ?
His best tip is for the family member to "hold an item in your hand, consider each item individually and discuss the reasons why it's important to the hoarder"?? It would take a lifetime to make it through even one small room at that rate! Useless.
Thank you, I needed that
Gems from Randy O.Frost! Very good tips!
What if the child comes and there is no place to sit??? I use a cane because I hurt my back and I am 58 years old. My Mom can't even give up a coffee cup. Or mouse covered items. I'm sorry but to visit is almost impossible and when I do it takes a toll on me. I get sick because my stress of her only talking about her stuff and totally ignoring my presence is overwhelming. I've tried to help when she asks, but she blames me for her stuff being disorganized then. I didn't do anything to cause her situation.
I know. This situation never gets better. The conversation just goes round and round.
Clearly, you don’t matter, only your HM does. *sarcasm*
These medical professionals enabling hoarders have got me so angry right now, I’m truly sorry for what you have to go through with your mother, she’s the problem and not you, no matter what these “professionals” say.
My mother refuses to get rid of anything. She continues to buy more and more. She piles it higher and higher. Rooms are no longer serving their function.
She accumulates so much stuff and then will give me bags and bags of it, just to make "some room" for more. I do not want it and cannot handle it. I am left having to deal with these excessive amount of items which cause me extreme stress and anxiety.
But how long can you discuss the meaning of keeping empty nut shells for instance? I dont know, I tried the non-threatening, supportive, let's talk about these things approach, but it didn't really lead anywhere.
Where is the support for those living in the home. Oh don’t touch that or say this your not being supportive of the horder. I’m 24 I’ve lived with this since 5 years old. At this point I want to say f*uck it and call the city to condemn the house. Because I didn’t get the help I need living through this. All the coddling and supporting ends up with no result empty promises and delays. The only advice I have for others is be your own person. We learned how not to be as parents that’s about the best I can make out of this shitty situation.
I do NOT agree with him at ALL! I have visited her and took her to the store, dinner etc. she NEVER cleaned in preparation for anyone, yet she thinks she can have her children and grandchildren come over with nowhere to even sit or be clean!
I’ve been dealing with my mom being a hoarder for years and it’s getting so out of hand. I’m the last adult child out of all her children that hasn’t turned their back on her. Why not do what I do? And come down strict and tell her this has to stop today, and make her post stuff online to sell little by little? Especially the big bulky stuff that can make room in her house? It’s so annoying but you have to stay on it. Any thoughts?
I’m really sorry, and it’s sweet of you to show enduring love towards your mother. It’s a difficult problem, or we wouldn’t have doctors and videos and people asking for help or straight up abandoning loved ones because it seems like an absurd problem to have.
When you think back, she might not have been like this all your life. Something happened little by little and things became worse. Perhaps you can communicate with her how holding onto all this stuff makes her feel, and how it seems like she wants security, but the people who matter in her life who are the part of life that does last, they’re getting overwhelmed by the immense volume of excess and being pushed away from her. Being able to shift her view of stuff as “safety, security, and plenty” towards all the moments she has in her future that are being blocked from becoming her right because of “stuff” might help adjust her beliefs in what hoarding is protecting her from. And as with any behavior, little by little, I hope she heal back to the self she deserves to be and the mom you love and deserve.
The problem is I’m living in a house where they aren’t there and they won’t move their stuff
No, it is not a good idea for family members of hoarders to retraumatize themselves and re-enter an abusive situation.
No. doesn't work. Been doing it at least for 20 years.
So if hoarders has millions of rubbish items how many years would you need to get the horder to tell you about what value it holds ? I know a hoarder who is training his mother to think like him. I actually would like to just take the hoader out for a day and get his room cleaned out with not a single item in it. I think it's people who say we neeed to be understanding actually enable this behaviour.
Bruh, it's so hard to convince my mom to get rid of shit, tbh it's not that bad and she's gotten rid of lots but still not enough bc I dont want it to get bad. I'm 17 so she won't listen to me, only my older sisters :[
That point of being able to have a visitor just "be" in their home without any overt or covert expectations. It has taken quite a lot of those to help me get used to the experience (since I hadn't been for so many years)
We dont own one laptop , we own three ( two have just gotten damaged over the period of time) but still in the house. We dont own one PC we own 3 of them too.. three printers.. one scanner... a coffee making machine ... nearly 7 almirahs.. a scooter from 1990s ... we have notes.. from 1980s ... one rooms two rooms three.rooms full of that ... we own papers.. not a set of papers..
100 copies of each paper.
And every day we get a few more..(basically we are building an eiffle tower of papers i believe) 😂and then i am shamed to being a stupid person for not reading these papers before i keep them. I dont hve 5 books .. i have nearly 100 books from academics to read while my anxiety just doesnt allow me to read even one book. I feel paralyzed to core with shame.. incapability and challlenges
I dislike the expression "their loved one" at t=2:09. ☹️
Try living in a house with 50 shitzu pups....she has 2 jobs and sees nothing wrong....she mops the floor once in the morning....I mop up piss and shit all day...I've called dog control numerous time I've called 911 numerous times....this affects our neighbors...it affects everyone around us....I've talked to everyone I can....I can't even have a job or a life..
It’s horrifying and these medical “professionals” are just enabling them.
This a huge mess my spouse is he stopped showering shaving caring my poor cute apt is turning into a storage I address it he says get away from me I'm at the point it's us Or his junk to go he has always filled out garage with junk now it's my little apt he can go lol I do not care I'm.not to baby him it's a dark spirit by evil holding on to junk things saying I'm going to sell it I can sell this nothing gets done he has my daughters garage a mess in a corner they will push you as long u can be pushed I'm standing my ground I'm sick of it my sister can't even over cause of this ugly dark issue idols idols it is he goes off on me yelling he is going into a dark world where the light of Jesus is no longer present I'm done with his junk
Hoarders are abusers. This guy is an abuser apologist and it's truly shameful.
My mother's a Class-4 hoarder (one level below your "animal-collecting" Class 5s, which are the absolute worst of the lot) who's nearing the end of her unnatural life. Still married, though no longer living in the same house as my completely useless excuse for a father going on about 7 years now (ended up moving back into her own house that used to be home to her folks for a long time, all deceased). Me and my two brothers have pretty much given up on pursuing healthy productive lives because it just wasn't going to happen as long as our mother's ongoing mental disorder remains in play. I'm currently living with her as an "unofficial" caretaker because even she realized, at least on a subconscious level, that she could never truly manage on her own and basically wouldn't have 'no' for an answer otherwise. Good news is that her hoarding actually subsided a bit since then, but you know what they say about old habits and all that. Saddest part is the fact that when her time finally comes, she will leave a big-time mess to deal with not only at the house we're both living in right now, but at the other one as well. Take into account the amount of debt she racked up over the years as a result of her horrid spending practices directly linked to her severe hoarding disorder and it's a wonder I haven't taken my own life yet. Oh California, why have you NOT put hoarding laws in place already!?!?!? Could've solved a good chunk of our state's economic issues in the process, too (lol)...
😅😂😭😔
You still survie and alive? Keep strong, i dont have other word to say than that