More often at the beginning these are not factors. But loneliness is. Just like with addictions and all maladaptive life strategies, things often begin for one reason and continue for another
Yeah, it was the case for my aunt. He said that if she left him, he would kill their kids. She liked him because he was intelligent and spoke other languages, so she thought that meant he was a man of culture. After she got pregnant, he turned into someone else, always threatening her and the kids. Oh, and after she did, he stabbed her, in the middle of the street. He was not just threatening.
this exactly, i can't just go no contact with my family who financially supports me and are generally ok on paper most of the time. plus i couldn't stand the pain and loneliness of leaving my dog and younger sibling who is literally the most important person in the world to me. it's complicated. you stay because of the other strings attached
This one gave me flashbacks. This happened to me in emotional ways and I told myself “I have no one else, I have to try to make this work!” The bitter truth is that you may feel like you have no one else but that abusive person never actually cared about you either, just wanted to use you.
I've faced a similar situation and I can totally relate to you. Abusing someone emotionally is the worstvthing anyone can do. I am glad, I was able to get out of it and move on pretty quickly.
Also they often isolate you and are the reason you have no one else. Either because they push others away or because you feel so miserable that you just dont have it in you to be close to other people. Its a spiral
Even tho having people that support you is very important, never forget that if you dont have anyone else, you yourself is still someone you have, i talk to myself for a reson, hope you are better now tho
I remained living into adulthood with my abusive parents because they were my parents and i needed a home, food, money to live, and i wanted a family. I was scared of being alone and i was made to believe i couldn't survive without them
The most I've felt loved and seemingly taken cared of was years ago in an abusive relationship. Thank you for putting such confusing feelings into words so concisely
Another reason why people stay in abusive relationships is because their nervous system responds to the familiarity of the abuse they had experienced in the past. And when the abuse is a combination of reward and punishment (intermittent reinforcement), it's highly addictive because of the invariable cycle of dopamine and cortisol.
Do you have any info about how to heal this aspect in all of it? I’m the eldest of four kids. Had a very neglectful and slightly abusive childhood. Extremely shelled but with zero guidance, except taught that I was only good if I was being helpful or quiet. That others emotions were always more important than mine. Since I was kept away from my peers, I pretty much went into the world with a blindfold. I was so innocent and without knowledge on how to protect myself. I was sexually abused on my late teens, and that just put me from one abusive situation to the next. I’m trying to heal this, and would really love to learn more from anyone who can point me in the right direction on how to heal these deeply rooted things that keep me in these situations.
@@Quebonitoeslobonito123 I am sorry to hear you were neglected and emotionally and sexually abused 🥺Working with a therapist trained in somatic experiencing therapy and trauma maybe helpful.
That's what you call trauma bonding. It's when you bond with the people/person who's putting you through trauma and abuse. It's a toxic form of a way of bonding in a relationship of any kind that causes the abused person to become addicted to the mistreatment in the cycle of abuse by the abuser(s), which will make your self-esteem plummet even lower through it all causing you to doubt yourself and question yourself as well as reality on a constant basis from all the trauma and manipulation they have placed on you. It's a slippery slope and you do eventually end up getting stuck.
That's actually not the main way of trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is when people bond and fall in love due to shared trauma (for example when they both try to quite drugs)
@@MitthradataI’ve seen people say this, but according to several searches: ”Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse.” ”Contrary to the widely popularized use of the term, trauma bonding does not mean the two people are bonding over shared trauma.”
That's not trauma bonding. Please don't try to get others to confuse abuse and the reduction of one's agency to trauma bonding which is feeling comfort in a shared similar negative experience or feeling either a want to care for, or understanding by someone who has had or accepts that experience. What you're saying devalues and attempts to invalidate those who suffer actual real abuse.
@@tjsr Trauma bonding isn't a shared negative experience. I have already clearly explained what it was word by word. I have no clue where you got that mixed up on purpose or confused, but I have already explained it clearly in specific detail. It's when you're with someone who has abused you (mental, emotional, and/or physical) abuse comes in many different forms from manipulation and etc. it's often something that you can't see in which is something you end up bonding with the abuser within the relationship thinking you are the problem or that there's nothing better outside the relationship because of how the abuser has knocked you down so much through their tactics from abuse in order to try to make you believe that there's nothing else better outside of the relationship. With that bonding you become attached to that abuser finding yourself stuck within it. And, often times when you do end up getting out of that relationship you're still stuck with damage they have put you through mentally and emotionally, sometimes they could often do things to scar you physically, socially, or financially (abuse comes in many different forms) on purpose by their own choice. You're left struggling to pick up all the pieces of your life that they so happily broken on purpose with no remorse. With the trauma bonding you also find yourself stuck in an endless abusive cycle loop. Constantly finding yourself attracted to abusers in a repeated pattern in your life. You also end up getting struggles in finding help and support because the abuser isolated you or damaged you emotionally and/or mentally enough through the way you think and through your self esteem to believe that there's something wrong with you and that there's no way out of it, and no one will ever help you. They'll also smear campaign against you in order to make others believe that there's something wrong with you, which will drive people away or come against you. Again, I don't know where you had that confused or what I said wrong that's related according to this video and it's message, so my suggestion is for you to not get it mixed up.
I think it’s also largely due to being on an intermittent reinforcement schedule. Some times the partner is kind and some times they are mean. This type of schedule prevents extinction.
This is true for many situations. Other reasons can be if theyre being threatened, or the if they're being manipulated so they don't realize they're being abused. That last one happened to me. I was being emotionally abused, manipulated, and also cheated on but the person I was with convinced me it was ok
Very true, and I'm sure this is probably discussed in a longer format. But the abuser also makes sure to play on their insecurities, pushes them to cut people out of their lives, and makes them belive they are 100% reliant on their abuser. Yes, in the beginning, they stay because they believe this is the kind of relationship they deserve. But at a certain point, it's because their abuser conditions them to never leave. Because they have no other options.
This literally made me think of all the things that happened with me. I was in love with my classmate when we were in college, but for some reason nothing happened between us during college time but after our college ended; we somehow got connected and started talking and I confessed my feelings for her. At first, she cut me off from all my friends, then she started manipulating me against my parents and relatives. She even tried to make me take up a menial job and give up my law pratice but my eyes were opened by then and I understood all her game. She wasn't even reliant as such. Would only chat or talk to me when she was lonely or feeling sad. Always made me feel that I wasn't good enough for her and she was with a big heart and soul who was ready to accept me. I don't hate her or have any grudges because I believe that karma will get back to her or maybe my past life karma made me pay back in this lifetime to her. But I do feel sorry for her such behaviour and for the future guy who'd come in her life. We sometimes get so lost and blinded by the love that we forget to see past those things and feel that everything they're doing is either out of love or care but it's not the case always. I am happy that I can identify such person in my present time.
Indeed, abusive persons will attack the relationships of the other person, for example trying to bring old fights to the present. I guess it's due to their commodity with grief and their absolute ignorance about compassion and forgiveness: they think being angry with everybody is "the price to pay for being honest/brave".
This is even true in platonic friendships. I stayed in an over 10-year long friendship with a best buddy of mine from high school all the way to adulthood because we got so much in common, even though he was a toxic friend that made me lose my self-worth over time. I became dependent on him for attention during school when others could no longer connect with me on how nerdy my interests were because everybody else were into dating and adult stuff, except my best buddy. When the time came that I was old enough to naturally build back up my self-worth and identity unique from him, he was proud at first because he too grew out of his toxic traits. But the problem was that he grew up in a high-control religious group, and I was not. I wanted to become a better, more intellectually nuanced person that was beyond what he can tolerate. So, his toxicity surfaced back up like how he used to be years ago, until he did something that enraged me. Like a toxic person that he was, he kept shoving the problem under the rug and never wanted to be vulnerable with me, and I could never tolerate that kind of sheepish behavior anymore. He never said sorry. So, I finally left this relationship that no longer served me. Other interests and social circles had been eating my attention away anyways. So, to simply put, even though he kept reaching out through texts so we could reconnect again, I could never make him my priority anymore. +10-year memories of him flushed down the drain. At least he made my school days super fun and filled with creativity, which later served the kind of job that I have today. I'm way happier now without him. 😊
I accepted my marriage was abusive 4 years into it, and it took 4 more to leave, mostly from fear of things being even worse during the stretch after I told her I wanted out. I was ready to delete myself near the end, but finally realized I at least could just keep that option in my back pocket in case the divorce really got that ugly. Sometimes people aren't getting anything good from the abusive relationship. Sometimes they're just afraid of how much worse trying to leave will be.
YES!! I see it at all the jobs I’ve worked and people always limit themselves because of their emotions. I try to help people and tell them that I used to be that way but I started meditating and now I’m becoming very successful in my life and getting the things I want! It is possible to overcome the pain!!!!
Oh this is sooooo true, I was in an emotional and verbal abusive relationship, but never physical. Everything Dr K said hits all my reasoning back then. It was only when i moved away, and talked to my ex less due to him letting his guard down, did I finally come out of it. Being called out like that gives me chills lol
This is so accurate. I stayed in a toxic relationship because of my fear of abandonment; I needed the "reward" of not being alone, so I stayed even when I felt like I was being treated like I was nothing. Once I healed my fear of abandonment, the relationship held no value to me (since I felt used, not loved) and I could be by myself in peace.
It is actually usually more dangerous to leave an abusive relationship than to stay. Most of the lethality is during the breakup or after the breakup. I am not sure that it is because someone is getting something in return, I think it is because abusers are great manipulators. How are you going to leave if your partner controls all of your finances? Or threatens to hurt you, your family, themselves, or your kids? A lot of times theres also fears of losing custody of their kids. It's not really about what they have to gain, it's about what they have to lose. Being in such a toxic environment for so long can also make it feel normal. Trauma bonding with your abuser is also a big one. Sometimes people feel closer to their abuser after abuse has occured because they feel like they've both overcomed something together.
Post-separation abuse is often much worse than during the time survivors were in abusive relationships. When the abuser loses control over the victim, s/he stalks, harasses, extorts, blackmails, uses coercive control over the victim to assert dominance and psychological power. In worst cases, they murder the victim.
This is important to include- that many relationships are kept through fear and control; lots of people arent staying bc they find 'worth' like he's referring to but bc they feel/are trapped by circumstance
Post-separation abuse is often more dangerous to the victim than the abuse they were subjected to during the relationship. If the abuser is a narcissist, s/he would stalk, harass, use coercive control, (s)extortion, blackmail, deliberately prolong court battles in order to assert dominance and power over the victim in a desperate attempt to control them.
This is not always the case. Many abusers make it extremely hard to leave. They slowly take total control of money and isolate you before you realuze whats up cuz of constant gaslightibg. The more trapped you are the more abusive they get.
It's important to have in mind that abusive relationships aren't abusive from the start. The person starts with lovebombing and acting like they're the nicest person in the world. Then, when the trust is gained, they'll start criticizing things about you that aren't their business, then they'll make you distance yourself from your friends, family and everyone who might belive you, then they'll start hitting you. They always have charisma and a good reputation, so you can just tell people about his behavior. Also, the abuse can be cyclical, with the abusive episode being interspersed by apologies and/or a honeymoon phase. A few reasons people choose to stay: 1) They think they deserve the bad treatment, since their abuser supposedly wants whats good for them. 2) They live for what the relationship was at the beginning and the honeymoon moments, and they believe they can change their partner to what they were back then. 3) Nowhere to go, because the victim distanced themselves from everyone else, and gets worse if they don't have money (women who are victims of abuse of often convinced to drop their jobs) and if the couple has kids. 4) Their religion view divorce as something bad.
As a teen I stayed in the relationship with a guy who abused me sexually from time to time and who was emotionally and mentally distant, after several months I decided to quit. I stayed so long because staying at his house meant being away from home which was worse at that time.
I always stayed longer in relationships than I should have, as it felt like family - and I didn't have a real family to turn to. I accepted a lot of bad stuff in return.
My girlfriend and I have only dated each other and we’ve been together for 9 1/2 years. Over the years she has become abusive and I don’t even know why.
My ex and his mom love bombed me at first, and then they used the things they had “given me” as a way to control me and make sure I couldnt leave. I was homeless when I was with my ex, he was 27 I was 20, he was well off and allowed my family to rent a condo his mom owned. My housing was dependent on him and his moms good graces, even thought we paid rent and signed a contract, she could kick us out whenever she wanted. When he started to control everything I did, isolated me from my friends and family, and eventually laid his hands on me, my family and friends had an intervention but it was incredibly difficult to leave him. The night I broke up with him, he destroyed thousands of dollars worth of me and my family’s stuff I had left in the condo. Thankfully I have amazing friends that let me stay with them and moved my family out asap. I don’t take handouts from people anymore, I can’t trust it comes from the heart and it doesn’t have strings attached.
When you have set up yourself so that your emotional needs are dependent on a person, you have basically made yourself vulnerable to abuse. The best thing about learning to live by yourself is that you learn how to meet your emotional needs without depending on someone.
Very true. In my younger days, I was being severely abused mentally and emotionally by my family. At the same time, I was being severely abused in the same way (sometimes more) by my ex-girlfriend as well. I didn't break things off with my ex at the time simply because on the good days, she could "see me" and be nice. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, as cliché as that sounds.
Not true in some cases, not in mine at least. You might stay because of the hope it's going to get better/as good as before, or because of trauma bonding, or because you are scared of what will happen if you leave (threats of suicide, diffamation,...). The fear of never finding someone again might indeed play a role as well.
For me, it was the roof over my head, it was a sense normalcy and routine, it was not having any accountability for my actions according to my religion, it was fulfillment of my obligations in my religion. Bur, it was also fear of the unknown. At least there I could predict what might happen day to day. If I left, who knows what would happen, but it was probably going to be worse. At least there, I had something that logically resembled love and care. If I left, I'd have nothing. Where would I go? What would I actually end up doing with my life? That's the normalcy, the predictability of a life with no responsibility. And this wasn't even my fault. He convinced me of all of this over a long period of time, little by little. So subtle, I couldn't grasp what was happening. Other parts of my social world convinced me I wasn't worth more than these thoughts. So I stayed with my (outwardly) "nice guy" until it nearly killed me. I survived learned difference between "nice guy" and good person. Thank you for laying this out for those who just want to judge without understanding.
Over time, the victim becomes toxic too and in that form a perpetrator of sh1tty behavior in their own way. The Echo in a relationship with an abusive Narcissist becomes a copy hence the name (not all narcissists are abusive, which sounds counter intuitive, some are not, even if by far most are) A difficult to understand phenomenon is repetition compulsion, when the victims finally leaves the abuser after 6 failed attempts, succeeding at attempt 7. Only to have preselected a copy of the same abuser a few weeks later, to get into a relationship. At it's most infuriating, when an abuser dies of natural causes say a heart attack, giving the victim a perfectly safe exit and opportunity to start anew. Only to see them reject good and kind people multiple times to then eventually preselect for a copy of the abuser who died of the heart attack. Ending up in the same dance and drama, with a new abuser same as the dead abuser. That is why as a bystander, it's highly dangerous to try to help a victim, because too often the victim wants to be there, exactly in the horror show they live in, so they will fight against anyone who wants to try to improve their situation, along side with the abuser. That is why domestic abuse calls are highly dangerous for police, but also for social workers to intervene in. I hope HealthyGamerGG makes a video about repetition compulsions "perma victims" and how to handle that better, without endangering oneself.
Initially I thought to myself, “Wait but Dr K. what if they’re just fearful to leave the relationship?”. However, after a bit of thinking, I think what he’s saying makes sense. Sure, not everyone who stays in an abusive relationship is there for the benefit of acceptance/love but they are there for the benefit of safety from their abuser. I think what Dr K. was doing was simply honing in on a specific example and - I’m not sure of this - but that distinction of this being an example rather than the entire point is probably clearer in the source video.
It *can* be that but there are other reasons too, coercion and fear of harm are two others that aren't necessaryily "Well it's better than being alone"
Honestly, I have had this suspicion for quite a while now. I used to think something is wrong with me for not having someone and people out there are doing something right and / or decent people. But I've come to realize most people out here are just slapping a relationship bandage over the wounds of loneliness and ignoring the person underneath is even worth all that trouble
My ex and I dated for 5 years. We were not happy. Our life goals changed over time. We both became abusive toward each other. She became physically abusive and I became verbally abusive. The 5 years we were together were while we were in college and the sex was *mind blowing* I don't just mean regular sex. Like you'd be staring at the ceiling shuddering and feeling like you were in a different dimension. The deepest parts of you sated in ways you never knew were possible. It relieved so much stress that it was still a net positive. We broke up for a semester and we both almost lost our scholarships. We were fighting and stressing a week after we got together but it was the lesser evil by far. After graduation we admitted that we stayed together just for the sex. We helped each other graduate. It sucked and I wish I could have found someone better... But I'll always be both grateful and hateful towards her but one thing I won't be is indifferent.
And often the toxic one just has issues of their own. And you can ser that. Yea its not that you have to fix them...but someone will need to be there for them. And two people going through a war together can come out stronger and closer even if the battless were hard You just have to be sure youre strong enough to survive the battles and win that war
Having been both the person staying in a bad relationship, and a shit job, he’s right. The hardest part was being honest with myself why I stayed in them. It was pretty awful after ending the relationship, but, now I’m free. Not too long after I left that shit job, and found more freedom. Sure there’s things I miss, and I hold onto to the fond memories. But, I’m free. No one else gets to make a decision for me.
The "things getting out of it", real (cough) isolated housewife/househusband in a suburb with no income and no bank account and no cash, the spouse/wife being the sole breadwinner(cough) and perceived (made to believe that no one else lives and cares, when in fact the abuser kept friends at bay and also brainwashed the victim into self-isolation themselves pushing friends away). It can also be "safety" in a racketeering/kidnapper hostage taking/criminal shark loan kind of "staying safe" way: as long as you stay and tolerate the violence including seggsual assault, at least the abuser will not hunt, stalk, t_rt're, k_ll you and your loved ones and then h_ck your remains to pieces and throw them in a river. This too, is "getting something out of it". Being held hostage by domestic t'rror'sts, never called that way. In a racket "a beautiful restaurant you have, such a shame if it would set fire, but for a small fee for a cleaning company, fires can be prevented". The "discomfort" mentioned here is an euphemism for marital grape. Which can be all gender combinations doing this and it's all longterm damaging for the psyche and body. Even if some cults normalize this.
A difficult to understand phenomenon is repetition compulsion, when the victims finally leaves the abuser after 6 failed attempts, succeeding at attempt 7. Only to have preselected a copy of the same abuser a few weeks later, to get into a relationship. At it's most infuriating, when an abuser dies of natural causes say a heart attack, giving the victim a perfectly safe exit and opportunity to start anew. Only to see them reject good and kind people multiple times to then eventually preselect for a copy of the abuser who died of the heart attack. Ending up in the same dance and drama, with a new abuser same as the dead abuser. That is why as a bystander, it's highly dangerous to try to help a victim, because too often the victim wants to be there, exactly in the horror show they live in, so they will fight against anyone who wants to try to improve their situation, along side with the abuser. That is why domestic abuse calls are highly dangerous for police, but also for social workers to intervene in. I hope HealthyGamerGG makes a video about repetition compulsions "perma victims" and how to handle that better, without endangering oneself.
I don't think it's accurate. A reason people might stay is because they **BELIEVE** the benefits outweigh the damage. After enough contemplation, most people would leave, because there's a better cost/benefit equation not far from their reach
My autism, among other things, has led to my trauma bonding with myself. When there isn't someone judging me, I feel the need to become my own critic, due to the fact that when someone critiques me, or when it seems like what I've done turned out poorly due to my awkwardness, there's no way for me to be convinced that it isn't my fault for having not masked/overcome my autistic tendencies/instincts well enough. In other words, there have always been things that make me feel like I'm awkward, and I feel like I ought to defend against my own awkwardness, in a similar way to how Amber Craven feels in her unhappy moments in CBS competition show The Amazing Race (season 36). Through my recreational psychology reading/video watching/going to church, I've come to the conclusion that I'll have to find & convince myself to start in on & stick with a hobby or occupation that allows me to challenge my psyche, be rewarded for my consistent efforts, and have new experiences the more I commit myself/stick with the program.
A lot of times what they are getting is “freedom from the unknown”. The abuse may be horrific, but if it is predictable, and gives some sort of plan or structure, that can often be enough. Very sad.
This is what my first relationship was like. I would spend most of my evenings after school with my abusive boyfriend, getting home to my abusive parents when they had already gone to sleep. Along with the abusive treatment he would give me at least some sort of warmth and validation, which I almost never got from family since I’d started school Since then I thankfully gained independence and learned self-respect. Weirdly, I’m grateful to him - he allowed me to act out my trauma and never come back to it again
There was a big "better the devil you know". When youre constantly told noone else will care about you like [abuser], noone else will ever love you, you'll never survive without them, and however much you wish to get away, you feel unlovable, worthless, and it must be true. Noone else cares about you. What will happen to you if you leave. You'll come across someone worse, or die in the gutter.youre terrified, there are no good options, you can't cope.
I thought this stuff was common sense in my teen years until I made more friends and realized people really don't think about this stuff and it hurts them later on. I feel for a lot of struggling people:/
I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade. And yes, the victim does feel like the abuse is "better" than the potential whatever they're afraid of about leaving. Or instead of "better" you could say "less awful ". In my case I was afraid of him trying his best to make my life a living hell, lying about me to my family, taking all the money and trying to get custody of the kids. And he did try all of that and more. And I am still fighting to get my freedom, long after I left him. It is horrible, but I totally understand people who have to stay. It is often safer.
This is what makes abusers particularly vicious. They fully understand they are the only thing you can depend on-- in fact, they make it their mission. They prey on people who are lonely, naive and have low self esteem. Then they isolate you even further and keep you in the cycle to remain dependent on them. People get addicted to abusive relationships just like they do with drugs. The pain goes away when i make them happy, so i make them happy and then everything is right again. It's really treacherous
Huge difference in bad relationship and abusive relationship. You are talking about a toxic relationship or unhealthy relationship. When its to the point of abuse there are more complex dynamics
It is trauma The reason you stay is because you are made or Because someone hold power over you Or because you are incredibly lonely and in a lot of pain and need someone to support and love you because you have never experienced elsewhere It holds you captive.
Receiving something transactional can be a reason why people stay in abusive relationships. However I believe people stay in abusive relationships because they accept the love they think they deserve. That could also apply to anything else in ones life. People often stay in a situation with less than favorable circumstances because their self worth is willing to tolerate the abuse they receive. Whatever you allow will continue, and people will allow just about anything when they have never been taught to love themselves.
Me and my ex, we both were too afraid to be alone and due to that carried for a long time the corpse of our relationship. Once neither she or I wanted to have sex but we needed to, it was the worst experience I ever had sexually the bodies complaining and the feelings hurting due to the spitting it was on our history.
I was trapped financially as a woman. I also had narcissistic parents. So the abusive relationship honestly I was done after a year, but I was financially trapped so my mind did hoops to accept the behavior lest I be homeless. Again.
There's also threats and plain old coercion. Even though this is institutional rather than interpersonal, there's the example of religious abuse. Someone may take a while longer to eventually leave the Church because they need time to overcome the ingrained, conditioned fear of going to hell for turning away from the faith.
The correct answer is: Because they are addicted to abuse from childhood trauma in most cases. In other cases, like you say because they have no other choice, unfortunately..
most of all, because we don't have a guaranteed universal livable income yet. but also because the world thinks ALL parents should be trusted. because no one checked up on me at school, teaching me what safety at home is. because everyone blamed me, the child, for my mood/behaviour/thinking i dont know enough. but back to point one...
I don’t know if I’d call it abuse but this person causes me lots of pain. I’m starting to think it’s good pain, growth pain. It hurts to only know a victim mindset and then discover someone who won’t feed that victim mindset. I used to think they hated me because if they liked me they would save me, the victim right? It is worth, The pain, It is worth the pain to know them. I will never stop. It’s a happy pain! They can yell at me all they want!! 😊 I shall change and grow! I must no longer be a victim! My favourite phrase to call someone who has a victim mindset…. You ready? Learned helplessness. Become someone who never needs help (meekness) , once you do l, make friends, build a strong family and accept unneeded help they give you. This is the way! Don’t be a victim! 😊
It’s why our antisocial world is so immoral. Any roadblock to connecting to people can lead to more violence if someone becomes too dependent on another for social connection
Yeah this ain't it Dr. K. Abusers are great manipulators, great blackmailers, or both. They'll make you *think* what you're getting is worth staying and tolerating the abuse, or they hold something over your head (money, future opportunity, children, court, family trust, etc) to make you stay. From the perspective of the person in the relationship, they may truly believe the manipulation, but objectively they're being manipulated and it serves no one but the abuser to believe otherwise.
It just feel bad at start after sometimes it feels natural. I'm 21 yrs old and never been in a relationship, I never had the time to invest in a relationship or another way to say is nobody cared to look at me. Sometimes it used to feel such a disgrace and empty but after watching people and as time pass I feel like it's really peaceful. Nobody can disturb my mental peace, nobody can bind me etc etc
S. E. X and I’m super picky who I’m sleeping with and trusting! It’s not that simple! Many times people don’t know they are in them! It’s like the rabbit that was put in water and you start putting the temperature up ever so slowly overtime that they adjust to it and they don’t realize that they’re close to their expiration if they don’t get out soon!! End up with auto immune diseases and everything else from it because of the stress and the high cortisol levels!! I wish it was this simple but it’s not still a hit of dopamine and some other abusive partner mixed him with the abuse. Look at conditioning and how slot machines work on the human brain and how the high jacket and Pavlo’s work it’s just so much more difficult than whatever everybody wants to make make it seem.
...i mean, i get it...but... ...what're we gonna do about it...? How can we get the health that's needed to the correct places, absolutely "free of all cost"? LET'S TAKE TO THE FORUMS!
This is why you shouldn't say video game addiction is bad. This and the fact that it hasn't been proven that we don't live in a simulation and since playing video games is playing a simulation is true it's bad to say it's bad because if it is then everything we experience is bad if we find out it's all a simulation with that opinion/fact! OMG don't say it's a fact :P at least!
What i cant understand is how someone can be with a man and been abused sexually with things their uncomfortable with like when you start dating the man how do you not ask him what his fantasies/ fettishes are before you even find yourself by his place...that way you know if the BDSM stuff with that person is for you or not
Physical safety is sometimes at risk. Sometimes financial safety or safety of their loved ones.
More often at the beginning these are not factors. But loneliness is. Just like with addictions and all maladaptive life strategies, things often begin for one reason and continue for another
Yeah, it was the case for my aunt. He said that if she left him, he would kill their kids. She liked him because he was intelligent and spoke other languages, so she thought that meant he was a man of culture. After she got pregnant, he turned into someone else, always threatening her and the kids. Oh, and after she did, he stabbed her, in the middle of the street. He was not just threatening.
@@carrie.m That's femizide... every day.. 😢
this exactly, i can't just go no contact with my family who financially supports me and are generally ok on paper most of the time. plus i couldn't stand the pain and loneliness of leaving my dog and younger sibling who is literally the most important person in the world to me. it's complicated. you stay because of the other strings attached
Not financial safety, it's financial comfort. If you aren't disabled then you don't really need to rely on anyone to be financially stable
This one gave me flashbacks. This happened to me in emotional ways and I told myself “I have no one else, I have to try to make this work!” The bitter truth is that you may feel like you have no one else but that abusive person never actually cared about you either, just wanted to use you.
I've faced a similar situation and I can totally relate to you. Abusing someone emotionally is the worstvthing anyone can do. I am glad, I was able to get out of it and move on pretty quickly.
Also they often isolate you and are the reason you have no one else. Either because they push others away or because you feel so miserable that you just dont have it in you to be close to other people. Its a spiral
Even tho having people that support you is very important, never forget that if you dont have anyone else, you yourself is still someone you have, i talk to myself for a reson, hope you are better now tho
Just got out of that exact situation. Now she's falling apart. Don't really feel bad for her, just wish she'd leave me alone lol.
I remained living into adulthood with my abusive parents because they were my parents and i needed a home, food, money to live, and i wanted a family. I was scared of being alone and i was made to believe i couldn't survive without them
How are you doing now? 🤍
The most I've felt loved and seemingly taken cared of was years ago in an abusive relationship. Thank you for putting such confusing feelings into words so concisely
Yes
Another reason why people stay in abusive relationships is because their nervous system responds to the familiarity of the abuse they had experienced in the past. And when the abuse is a combination of reward and punishment (intermittent reinforcement), it's highly addictive because of the invariable cycle of dopamine and cortisol.
Thank you 😌
Do you have any info about how to heal this aspect in all of it?
I’m the eldest of four kids. Had a very neglectful and slightly abusive childhood. Extremely shelled but with zero guidance, except taught that I was only good if I was being helpful or quiet. That others emotions were always more important than mine. Since I was kept away from my peers, I pretty much went into the world with a blindfold. I was so innocent and without knowledge on how to protect myself. I was sexually abused on my late teens, and that just put me from one abusive situation to the next.
I’m trying to heal this, and would really love to learn more from anyone who can point me in the right direction on how to heal these deeply rooted things that keep me in these situations.
@@Quebonitoeslobonito123 I am sorry to hear you were neglected and emotionally and sexually abused 🥺Working with a therapist trained in somatic experiencing therapy and trauma maybe helpful.
@@v9b23j Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I will look into that as I look for a therapist. I hope you’re having a beautiful day
@@Quebonitoeslobonito123 I'm 21 and you just described me in a nut shell
That's what you call trauma bonding. It's when you bond with the people/person who's putting you through trauma and abuse. It's a toxic form of a way of bonding in a relationship of any kind that causes the abused person to become addicted to the mistreatment in the cycle of abuse by the abuser(s), which will make your self-esteem plummet even lower through it all causing you to doubt yourself and question yourself as well as reality on a constant basis from all the trauma and manipulation they have placed on you. It's a slippery slope and you do eventually end up getting stuck.
That's actually not the main way of trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is when people bond and fall in love due to shared trauma (for example when they both try to quite drugs)
@@MitthradataI’ve seen people say this, but according to several searches:
”Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse.”
”Contrary to the widely popularized use of the term, trauma bonding does not mean the two people are bonding over shared trauma.”
That's not trauma bonding. Please don't try to get others to confuse abuse and the reduction of one's agency to trauma bonding which is feeling comfort in a shared similar negative experience or feeling either a want to care for, or understanding by someone who has had or accepts that experience.
What you're saying devalues and attempts to invalidate those who suffer actual real abuse.
@@tjsr Trauma bonding isn't a shared negative experience. I have already clearly explained what it was word by word. I have no clue where you got that mixed up on purpose or confused, but I have already explained it clearly in specific detail. It's when you're with someone who has abused you (mental, emotional, and/or physical) abuse comes in many different forms from manipulation and etc. it's often something that you can't see in which is something you end up bonding with the abuser within the relationship thinking you are the problem or that there's nothing better outside the relationship because of how the abuser has knocked you down so much through their tactics from abuse in order to try to make you believe that there's nothing else better outside of the relationship. With that bonding you become attached to that abuser finding yourself stuck within it. And, often times when you do end up getting out of that relationship you're still stuck with damage they have put you through mentally and emotionally, sometimes they could often do things to scar you physically, socially, or financially (abuse comes in many different forms) on purpose by their own choice. You're left struggling to pick up all the pieces of your life that they so happily broken on purpose with no remorse. With the trauma bonding you also find yourself stuck in an endless abusive cycle loop. Constantly finding yourself attracted to abusers in a repeated pattern in your life. You also end up getting struggles in finding help and support because the abuser isolated you or damaged you emotionally and/or mentally enough through the way you think and through your self esteem to believe that there's something wrong with you and that there's no way out of it, and no one will ever help you. They'll also smear campaign against you in order to make others believe that there's something wrong with you, which will drive people away or come against you. Again, I don't know where you had that confused or what I said wrong that's related according to this video and it's message, so my suggestion is for you to not get it mixed up.
I think it’s also largely due to being on an intermittent reinforcement schedule. Some times the partner is kind and some times they are mean. This type of schedule prevents extinction.
This is true for many situations. Other reasons can be if theyre being threatened, or the if they're being manipulated so they don't realize they're being abused. That last one happened to me. I was being emotionally abused, manipulated, and also cheated on but the person I was with convinced me it was ok
This, the dopamine, and the feeling of being wanted was it for me.
does it grip ?
@@moaheed300bruh 💀
Very true, and I'm sure this is probably discussed in a longer format. But the abuser also makes sure to play on their insecurities, pushes them to cut people out of their lives, and makes them belive they are 100% reliant on their abuser.
Yes, in the beginning, they stay because they believe this is the kind of relationship they deserve. But at a certain point, it's because their abuser conditions them to never leave. Because they have no other options.
This literally made me think of all the things that happened with me. I was in love with my classmate when we were in college, but for some reason nothing happened between us during college time but after our college ended; we somehow got connected and started talking and I confessed my feelings for her.
At first, she cut me off from all my friends, then she started manipulating me against my parents and relatives.
She even tried to make me take up a menial job and give up my law pratice but my eyes were opened by then and I understood all her game.
She wasn't even reliant as such. Would only chat or talk to me when she was lonely or feeling sad.
Always made me feel that I wasn't good enough for her and she was with a big heart and soul who was ready to accept me.
I don't hate her or have any grudges because I believe that karma will get back to her or maybe my past life karma made me pay back in this lifetime to her.
But I do feel sorry for her such behaviour and for the future guy who'd come in her life.
We sometimes get so lost and blinded by the love that we forget to see past those things and feel that everything they're doing is either out of love or care but it's not the case always.
I am happy that I can identify such person in my present time.
Indeed, abusive persons will attack the relationships of the other person, for example trying to bring old fights to the present. I guess it's due to their commodity with grief and their absolute ignorance about compassion and forgiveness: they think being angry with everybody is "the price to pay for being honest/brave".
This is even true in platonic friendships. I stayed in an over 10-year long friendship with a best buddy of mine from high school all the way to adulthood because we got so much in common, even though he was a toxic friend that made me lose my self-worth over time. I became dependent on him for attention during school when others could no longer connect with me on how nerdy my interests were because everybody else were into dating and adult stuff, except my best buddy.
When the time came that I was old enough to naturally build back up my self-worth and identity unique from him, he was proud at first because he too grew out of his toxic traits. But the problem was that he grew up in a high-control religious group, and I was not. I wanted to become a better, more intellectually nuanced person that was beyond what he can tolerate. So, his toxicity surfaced back up like how he used to be years ago, until he did something that enraged me.
Like a toxic person that he was, he kept shoving the problem under the rug and never wanted to be vulnerable with me, and I could never tolerate that kind of sheepish behavior anymore. He never said sorry. So, I finally left this relationship that no longer served me. Other interests and social circles had been eating my attention away anyways. So, to simply put, even though he kept reaching out through texts so we could reconnect again, I could never make him my priority anymore.
+10-year memories of him flushed down the drain. At least he made my school days super fun and filled with creativity, which later served the kind of job that I have today. I'm way happier now without him. 😊
I accepted my marriage was abusive 4 years into it, and it took 4 more to leave, mostly from fear of things being even worse during the stretch after I told her I wanted out. I was ready to delete myself near the end, but finally realized I at least could just keep that option in my back pocket in case the divorce really got that ugly. Sometimes people aren't getting anything good from the abusive relationship. Sometimes they're just afraid of how much worse trying to leave will be.
YES!! I see it at all the jobs I’ve worked and people always limit themselves because of their emotions. I try to help people and tell them that I used to be that way but I started meditating and now I’m becoming very successful in my life and getting the things I want! It is possible to overcome the pain!!!!
Oh this is sooooo true, I was in an emotional and verbal abusive relationship, but never physical. Everything Dr K said hits all my reasoning back then. It was only when i moved away, and talked to my ex less due to him letting his guard down, did I finally come out of it.
Being called out like that gives me chills lol
This is so accurate. I stayed in a toxic relationship because of my fear of abandonment; I needed the "reward" of not being alone, so I stayed even when I felt like I was being treated like I was nothing. Once I healed my fear of abandonment, the relationship held no value to me (since I felt used, not loved) and I could be by myself in peace.
It's also the very real fear of being killed if you leave.
It is actually usually more dangerous to leave an abusive relationship than to stay. Most of the lethality is during the breakup or after the breakup.
I am not sure that it is because someone is getting something in return, I think it is because abusers are great manipulators. How are you going to leave if your partner controls all of your finances? Or threatens to hurt you, your family, themselves, or your kids? A lot of times theres also fears of losing custody of their kids. It's not really about what they have to gain, it's about what they have to lose.
Being in such a toxic environment for so long can also make it feel normal. Trauma bonding with your abuser is also a big one. Sometimes people feel closer to their abuser after abuse has occured because they feel like they've both overcomed something together.
Post-separation abuse is often much worse than during the time survivors were in abusive relationships. When the abuser loses control over the victim, s/he stalks, harasses, extorts, blackmails, uses coercive control over the victim to assert dominance and psychological power. In worst cases, they murder the victim.
This is important to include- that many relationships are kept through fear and control; lots of people arent staying bc they find 'worth' like he's referring to but bc they feel/are trapped by circumstance
Post-separation abuse is often more dangerous to the victim than the abuse they were subjected to during the relationship. If the abuser is a narcissist, s/he would stalk, harass, use coercive control, (s)extortion, blackmail, deliberately prolong court battles in order to assert dominance and power over the victim in a desperate attempt to control them.
This is not always the case. Many abusers make it extremely hard to leave. They slowly take total control of money and isolate you before you realuze whats up cuz of constant gaslightibg. The more trapped you are the more abusive they get.
I would love to see a Dr. K and Dr. Ramani podcast....
A victim or a witness of abuse would never ask such a question 😢
It's important to have in mind that abusive relationships aren't abusive from the start. The person starts with lovebombing and acting like they're the nicest person in the world. Then, when the trust is gained, they'll start criticizing things about you that aren't their business, then they'll make you distance yourself from your friends, family and everyone who might belive you, then they'll start hitting you. They always have charisma and a good reputation, so you can just tell people about his behavior. Also, the abuse can be cyclical, with the abusive episode being interspersed by apologies and/or a honeymoon phase. A few reasons people choose to stay:
1) They think they deserve the bad treatment, since their abuser supposedly wants whats good for them.
2) They live for what the relationship was at the beginning and the honeymoon moments, and they believe they can change their partner to what they were back then.
3) Nowhere to go, because the victim distanced themselves from everyone else, and gets worse if they don't have money (women who are victims of abuse of often convinced to drop their jobs) and if the couple has kids.
4) Their religion view divorce as something bad.
As a teen I stayed in the relationship with a guy who abused me sexually from time to time and who was emotionally and mentally distant, after several months I decided to quit. I stayed so long because staying at his house meant being away from home which was worse at that time.
I always stayed longer in relationships than I should have, as it felt like family - and I didn't have a real family to turn to. I accepted a lot of bad stuff in return.
My girlfriend and I have only dated each other and we’ve been together for 9 1/2 years. Over the years she has become abusive and I don’t even know why.
My ex and his mom love bombed me at first, and then they used the things they had “given me” as a way to control me and make sure I couldnt leave. I was homeless when I was with my ex, he was 27 I was 20, he was well off and allowed my family to rent a condo his mom owned. My housing was dependent on him and his moms good graces, even thought we paid rent and signed a contract, she could kick us out whenever she wanted. When he started to control everything I did, isolated me from my friends and family, and eventually laid his hands on me, my family and friends had an intervention but it was incredibly difficult to leave him. The night I broke up with him, he destroyed thousands of dollars worth of me and my family’s stuff I had left in the condo. Thankfully I have amazing friends that let me stay with them and moved my family out asap. I don’t take handouts from people anymore, I can’t trust it comes from the heart and it doesn’t have strings attached.
When you have set up yourself so that your emotional needs are dependent on a person, you have basically made yourself vulnerable to abuse. The best thing about learning to live by yourself is that you learn how to meet your emotional needs without depending on someone.
If I leave they’ll tell people my secrets and share my intimate pictures. They said they’d change.
Ppl stay because they are scared of the person hurting them or their loved ones if they leave....fear
Damn. Thank you so much for saying this. Those who get it will get it. Those who don't, need to hear it.
Very true. In my younger days, I was being severely abused mentally and emotionally by my family. At the same time, I was being severely abused in the same way (sometimes more) by my ex-girlfriend as well. I didn't break things off with my ex at the time simply because on the good days, she could "see me" and be nice. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, as cliché as that sounds.
Ppl can stay in abusive relationships because of betrayal blindness, too.And that can be implicitly learned through a traumatic childhood..
Not true in some cases, not in mine at least. You might stay because of the hope it's going to get better/as good as before, or because of trauma bonding, or because you are scared of what will happen if you leave (threats of suicide, diffamation,...).
The fear of never finding someone again might indeed play a role as well.
For me, it was the roof over my head, it was a sense normalcy and routine, it was not having any accountability for my actions according to my religion, it was fulfillment of my obligations in my religion. Bur, it was also fear of the unknown. At least there I could predict what might happen day to day. If I left, who knows what would happen, but it was probably going to be worse. At least there, I had something that logically resembled love and care. If I left, I'd have nothing. Where would I go? What would I actually end up doing with my life? That's the normalcy, the predictability of a life with no responsibility. And this wasn't even my fault. He convinced me of all of this over a long period of time, little by little. So subtle, I couldn't grasp what was happening. Other parts of my social world convinced me I wasn't worth more than these thoughts. So I stayed with my (outwardly) "nice guy" until it nearly killed me. I survived learned difference between "nice guy" and good person.
Thank you for laying this out for those who just want to judge without understanding.
Over time, the victim becomes toxic too and in that form a perpetrator of sh1tty behavior in their own way. The Echo in a relationship with an abusive Narcissist becomes a copy hence the name (not all narcissists are abusive, which sounds counter intuitive, some are not, even if by far most are)
A difficult to understand phenomenon is repetition compulsion, when the victims finally leaves the abuser after 6 failed attempts, succeeding at attempt 7.
Only to have preselected a copy of the same abuser a few weeks later, to get into a relationship.
At it's most infuriating, when an abuser dies of natural causes say a heart attack, giving the victim a perfectly safe exit and opportunity to start anew.
Only to see them reject good and kind people multiple times to then eventually preselect for a copy of the abuser who died of the heart attack.
Ending up in the same dance and drama, with a new abuser same as the dead abuser.
That is why as a bystander, it's highly dangerous to try to help a victim, because too often the victim wants to be there, exactly in the horror show they live in, so they will fight against anyone who wants to try to improve their situation, along side with the abuser.
That is why domestic abuse calls are highly dangerous for police, but also for social workers to intervene in.
I hope HealthyGamerGG makes a video about repetition compulsions "perma victims" and how to handle that better, without endangering oneself.
Initially I thought to myself, “Wait but Dr K. what if they’re just fearful to leave the relationship?”. However, after a bit of thinking, I think what he’s saying makes sense. Sure, not everyone who stays in an abusive relationship is there for the benefit of acceptance/love but they are there for the benefit of safety from their abuser. I think what Dr K. was doing was simply honing in on a specific example and - I’m not sure of this - but that distinction of this being an example rather than the entire point is probably clearer in the source video.
It *can* be that but there are other reasons too, coercion and fear of harm are two others that aren't necessaryily "Well it's better than being alone"
Honestly, I have had this suspicion for quite a while now. I used to think something is wrong with me for not having someone and people out there are doing something right and / or decent people. But I've come to realize most people out here are just slapping a relationship bandage over the wounds of loneliness and ignoring the person underneath is even worth all that trouble
I'm "strong and independent" now, but sometimes I'd give anything for someone to smile at me.
My ex and I dated for 5 years. We were not happy. Our life goals changed over time.
We both became abusive toward each other. She became physically abusive and I became verbally abusive.
The 5 years we were together were while we were in college and the sex was *mind blowing* I don't just mean regular sex. Like you'd be staring at the ceiling shuddering and feeling like you were in a different dimension. The deepest parts of you sated in ways you never knew were possible.
It relieved so much stress that it was still a net positive. We broke up for a semester and we both almost lost our scholarships. We were fighting and stressing a week after we got together but it was the lesser evil by far. After graduation we admitted that we stayed together just for the sex.
We helped each other graduate. It sucked and I wish I could have found someone better... But I'll always be both grateful and hateful towards her but one thing I won't be is indifferent.
And often the toxic one just has issues of their own. And you can ser that.
Yea its not that you have to fix them...but someone will need to be there for them.
And two people going through a war together can come out stronger and closer even if the battless were hard
You just have to be sure youre strong enough to survive the battles and win that war
Having been both the person staying in a bad relationship, and a shit job, he’s right. The hardest part was being honest with myself why I stayed in them. It was pretty awful after ending the relationship, but, now I’m free. Not too long after I left that shit job, and found more freedom. Sure there’s things I miss, and I hold onto to the fond memories. But, I’m free. No one else gets to make a decision for me.
I've got an abusive friend, but it's quite subtle, I dislike them but the feelings of loneliness and boredom do go away when I'm with them
The "things getting out of it", real (cough) isolated housewife/househusband in a suburb with no income and no bank account and no cash, the spouse/wife being the sole breadwinner(cough) and perceived (made to believe that no one else lives and cares, when in fact the abuser kept friends at bay and also brainwashed the victim into self-isolation themselves pushing friends away).
It can also be "safety" in a racketeering/kidnapper hostage taking/criminal shark loan kind of "staying safe" way: as long as you stay and tolerate the violence including seggsual assault, at least the abuser will not hunt, stalk, t_rt're, k_ll you and your loved ones and then h_ck your remains to pieces and throw them in a river.
This too, is "getting something out of it". Being held hostage by domestic t'rror'sts, never called that way.
In a racket "a beautiful restaurant you have, such a shame if it would set fire, but for a small fee for a cleaning company, fires can be prevented".
The "discomfort" mentioned here is an euphemism for marital grape.
Which can be all gender combinations doing this and it's all longterm damaging for the psyche and body.
Even if some cults normalize this.
A difficult to understand phenomenon is repetition compulsion, when the victims finally leaves the abuser after 6 failed attempts, succeeding at attempt 7.
Only to have preselected a copy of the same abuser a few weeks later, to get into a relationship.
At it's most infuriating, when an abuser dies of natural causes say a heart attack, giving the victim a perfectly safe exit and opportunity to start anew.
Only to see them reject good and kind people multiple times to then eventually preselect for a copy of the abuser who died of the heart attack.
Ending up in the same dance and drama, with a new abuser same as the dead abuser.
That is why as a bystander, it's highly dangerous to try to help a victim, because too often the victim wants to be there, exactly in the horror show they live in, so they will fight against anyone who wants to try to improve their situation, along side with the abuser.
That is why domestic abuse calls are highly dangerous for police, but also for social workers to intervene in.
I hope HealthyGamerGG makes a video about repetition compulsions "perma victims" and how to handle that better, without endangering oneself.
I don't think it's accurate. A reason people might stay is because they **BELIEVE** the benefits outweigh the damage. After enough contemplation, most people would leave, because there's a better cost/benefit equation not far from their reach
My autism, among other things, has led to my trauma bonding with myself. When there isn't someone judging me, I feel the need to become my own critic, due to the fact that when someone critiques me, or when it seems like what I've done turned out poorly due to my awkwardness, there's no way for me to be convinced that it isn't my fault for having not masked/overcome my autistic tendencies/instincts well enough. In other words, there have always been things that make me feel like I'm awkward, and I feel like I ought to defend against my own awkwardness, in a similar way to how Amber Craven feels in her unhappy moments in CBS competition show The Amazing Race (season 36). Through my recreational psychology reading/video watching/going to church, I've come to the conclusion that I'll have to find & convince myself to start in on & stick with a hobby or occupation that allows me to challenge my psyche, be rewarded for my consistent efforts, and have new experiences the more I commit myself/stick with the program.
A lot of times what they are getting is “freedom from the unknown”. The abuse may be horrific, but if it is predictable, and gives some sort of plan or structure, that can often be enough. Very sad.
This is what my first relationship was like. I would spend most of my evenings after school with my abusive boyfriend, getting home to my abusive parents when they had already gone to sleep. Along with the abusive treatment he would give me at least some sort of warmth and validation, which I almost never got from family since I’d started school
Since then I thankfully gained independence and learned self-respect. Weirdly, I’m grateful to him - he allowed me to act out my trauma and never come back to it again
There was a big "better the devil you know". When youre constantly told noone else will care about you like [abuser], noone else will ever love you, you'll never survive without them, and however much you wish to get away, you feel unlovable, worthless, and it must be true. Noone else cares about you. What will happen to you if you leave. You'll come across someone worse, or die in the gutter.youre terrified, there are no good options, you can't cope.
I thought this stuff was common sense in my teen years until I made more friends and realized people really don't think about this stuff and it hurts them later on. I feel for a lot of struggling people:/
Profound💯👏
I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade. And yes, the victim does feel like the abuse is "better" than the potential whatever they're afraid of about leaving. Or instead of "better" you could say "less awful ". In my case I was afraid of him trying his best to make my life a living hell, lying about me to my family, taking all the money and trying to get custody of the kids.
And he did try all of that and more. And I am still fighting to get my freedom, long after I left him.
It is horrible, but I totally understand people who have to stay. It is often safer.
This is what makes abusers particularly vicious. They fully understand they are the only thing you can depend on-- in fact, they make it their mission. They prey on people who are lonely, naive and have low self esteem. Then they isolate you even further and keep you in the cycle to remain dependent on them.
People get addicted to abusive relationships just like they do with drugs. The pain goes away when i make them happy, so i make them happy and then everything is right again. It's really treacherous
Aww that’s so sad bro 😭
Huge difference in bad relationship and abusive relationship. You are talking about a toxic relationship or unhealthy relationship. When its to the point of abuse there are more complex dynamics
This is 100% true
The amount of people who would rather stay in a bad relationship for 5 years instead of being single for 5 days is way too high.
It is trauma
The reason you stay is because you are made or
Because someone hold power over you
Or because you are incredibly lonely and in a lot of pain and need someone to support and love you because you have never experienced elsewhere
It holds you captive.
Receiving something transactional can be a reason why people stay in abusive relationships. However I believe people stay in abusive relationships because they accept the love they think they deserve. That could also apply to anything else in ones life. People often stay in a situation with less than favorable circumstances because their self worth is willing to tolerate the abuse they receive. Whatever you allow will continue, and people will allow just about anything when they have never been taught to love themselves.
There is also it seems normal. You grow up in an abusive home so it’s what you expect. You just think that’s how everyone lives.
I too would rather stay in a toxic/absusive relationship than beeing alone forever
Please listen to people who were abused if you aee going to speak on it as an authority. They can tell you. You dont need to hypothesize. ❤
it's incomprehensible to me now but in the future i might be like that too because i am just too lonely.
Me and my ex, we both were too afraid to be alone and due to that carried for a long time the corpse of our relationship. Once neither she or I wanted to have sex but we needed to, it was the worst experience I ever had sexually the bodies complaining and the feelings hurting due to the spitting it was on our history.
Familiarity can be a huge factor as well if you want to call that a “win”
Either that or because they would be in danger if they tried to leave.
I was trapped financially as a woman. I also had narcissistic parents. So the abusive relationship honestly I was done after a year, but I was financially trapped so my mind did hoops to accept the behavior lest I be homeless. Again.
That’s one perspective.
There's also threats and plain old coercion.
Even though this is institutional rather than interpersonal, there's the example of religious abuse. Someone may take a while longer to eventually leave the Church because they need time to overcome the ingrained, conditioned fear of going to hell for turning away from the faith.
Well, he's right this time
Financial security, housing, food, etc (all things parents are expected to do for their kids) are the only reason I’m still living with my parents fr
I was friends with my bullies in the german equivalent of middle school because i had no one else, broke the contact 2 years after we finished school
I never thought about it like that and I was even in one. That makes sense though.
The correct answer is: Because they are addicted to abuse from childhood trauma in most cases. In other cases, like you say because they have no other choice, unfortunately..
For me it was financial, and that is so often the case. Capitalism is the cause.
This was exactly me....
most of all, because we don't have a guaranteed universal livable income yet.
but also because the world thinks ALL parents should be trusted. because no one checked up on me at school, teaching me what safety at home is. because everyone blamed me, the child, for my mood/behaviour/thinking i dont know enough. but back to point one...
I don’t know if I’d call it abuse but this person causes me lots of pain. I’m starting to think it’s good pain, growth pain. It hurts to only know a victim mindset and then discover someone who won’t feed that victim mindset. I used to think they hated me because if they liked me they would save me, the victim right?
It is worth,
The pain,
It is worth the pain to know them. I will never stop. It’s a happy pain! They can yell at me all they want!! 😊
I shall change and grow! I must no longer be a victim!
My favourite phrase to call someone who has a victim mindset….
You ready?
Learned helplessness. Become someone who never needs help (meekness) , once you do l, make friends, build a strong family and accept unneeded help they give you. This is the way! Don’t be a victim! 😊
God that hurts
It’s why our antisocial world is so immoral. Any roadblock to connecting to people can lead to more violence if someone becomes too dependent on another for social connection
true...
Yeah this ain't it Dr. K. Abusers are great manipulators, great blackmailers, or both. They'll make you *think* what you're getting is worth staying and tolerating the abuse, or they hold something over your head (money, future opportunity, children, court, family trust, etc) to make you stay. From the perspective of the person in the relationship, they may truly believe the manipulation, but objectively they're being manipulated and it serves no one but the abuser to believe otherwise.
Some people also "like the drama" no? Regular healthy relationships are seen as uneventful and boring
We all have had to do something were not proud of at one point
brilliant
It just feel bad at start after sometimes it feels natural. I'm 21 yrs old and never been in a relationship, I never had the time to invest in a relationship or another way to say is nobody cared to look at me. Sometimes it used to feel such a disgrace and empty but after watching people and as time pass I feel like it's really peaceful. Nobody can disturb my mental peace, nobody can bind me etc etc
So I feel called out 😅
S. E. X and I’m super picky who I’m sleeping with and trusting! It’s not that simple! Many times people don’t know they are in them! It’s like the rabbit that was put in water and you start putting the temperature up ever so slowly overtime that they adjust to it and they don’t realize that they’re close to their expiration if they don’t get out soon!! End up with auto immune diseases and everything else from it because of the stress and the high cortisol levels!! I wish it was this simple but it’s not still a hit of dopamine and some other abusive partner mixed him with the abuse. Look at conditioning and how slot machines work on the human brain and how the high jacket and Pavlo’s work it’s just so much more difficult than whatever everybody wants to make make it seem.
Shit man, he just explained _Cherry Wine_ by Hozier but somehow more painfully
Man I'm startin to feel like Louis from l4d
Makes sense
Learn to be alone
Damn, maybe i should have stayed in that relationship...
...i mean, i get it...but...
...what're we gonna do about it...?
How can we get the health that's needed to the correct places, absolutely "free of all cost"?
LET'S TAKE TO THE FORUMS!
Im kinda into it but I dont want to say that infront of people who broach the conversation
This is why you shouldn't say video game addiction is bad. This and the fact that it hasn't been proven that we don't live in a simulation and since playing video games is playing a simulation is true it's bad to say it's bad because if it is then everything we experience is bad if we find out it's all a simulation with that opinion/fact! OMG don't say it's a fact :P at least!
No. Because you are more afraid of what will happen if you leave than if you stay.
"abuse" involves power dynamics and psychological warfare. It's not as simple as "oh I'm lonely" Don't we all wish.
oof... that hit hard...
My mother … free housing.
Jokes on you, I have the loneliness and suicidality but noone even wants to go on a first date with me so I can't fall for a toxic relationship 🙃
What i cant understand is how someone can be with a man and been abused sexually with things their uncomfortable with like when you start dating the man how do you not ask him what his fantasies/ fettishes are before you even find yourself by his place...that way you know if the BDSM stuff with that person is for you or not
Orrrrrrr we don't want to DIE