How To Heal Family Enmeshment Trauma
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 15 сен 2024
- Today, I’m going to explain to you what #enmeshment is and also the common effects that it has on a person’s life.
I want you to imagine a child who is sitting at a high chair. This child is not hungry and pushes the spoon away from his mouth. His mother refuses to #acknowledge that “I’m not hungry” is the #truth for this child and so she gets angry and shoves the spoon in the child’s mouth anyway.
Full Article here ⟶ tealswan.com/r...
Video References
Personal Boundaries vs. Onesness: 3:10
• Personal Boundaries vs...
The Defective Doll (Dysfunctional Relationships): 5:09
• The Defective Doll (Dy...
Family: The Truth About Family: 13:25
• Family (The Truth Abou...
Get Support on your Journey with Teal's Spiritual Tools, Frequencies, Meditations and More:
╰ Official Shop click here: tealswan.vip/Shop
Dive Deeper and Access ALL of Teal's Exclusive Content, Daily Updates, Workshop Replays & More:
╰ Premium Content click here: tealswan.vip/P...
Five FREE Guided Meditations by Teal to Support Your Journey:
╰ Get Instant Access: www.tealswan.n...
#lawofattraction #spirituality #awakening
If you are in a crisis or if you or any other person may be feeling suicidal or in danger, the following
resources can provide you with immediate help: tealswan.vip/Help
Beginning Song:
Alchemy - Blake Dyer
www.sundyer.com
Ending Song
Our Game - Yaima
spoti.fi/35ZR6JY
Teal Swan is a personal transformation revolutionary. She was born with a range of extrasensory abilities and is a survivor of severe childhood abuse. Today she uses her gifts as well as her own harrowing life experience to inspire millions of people towards authenticity, freedom and joy and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.
The result when people are restored to wholeness is that the world will be restored to wholeness. Teal Swan's teachings invite people to step fully into their authenticity, knowing that this will bring about the positive change that we want to see in the world.
Follow Teal Swan:
╰ / tealswanofficial
╰ / tealswanofficial
╰ tealswan.com
It is really sad but most parents want the child to meet their needs only, they do not think about the child as an autonomous human being, but as the kind of toy they want.
Parents at people. And most parents are unconscious parents.
most parents just get married to REPRODUCE, because they Fear growing old alone! Most parents are just too Egotistical.
Or treat children like an extension of themselves
I truly believe that enmeshers are mostly completely unaware of what they are doing unfortunately…
Lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect
Wow, what a great comment! 💖
Truth.
@Sanningen if you can laugh along woth it and show you are ok with it (rather than just remaining quiet) then it is good and people will see that actually you have a lot of self respect and dont have an inflated ego.
If you can stand up for yourself in other ways then they will also see that you are capable and strong in yourself.
Question. Are you really okay with it, or do you subconsciously feel that you deserve it or dont deserve to have your own boundaries?
@Sanningen You do what your heart feels comfortable with.
@Sanningen so, set your boundaries.
I was raised in a immigrant Muslim household.. Worst cause of enmeshment trauma.. Not only does it screw up my relationships, my career/livelihood too. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work and release lately. Wish me luck ❤️
Have you tried Shadow Work?
Good luck!
Same even for non Muslim families from that region. Deep love but boundaries? What are boundaries? lol. the entire region may have enmeshment trauma by now :/
✨💜
I wish you strength!
High Schools should have Teal Swans classes 💠
They should have interpersonal relationships classes. And all it entails
Damn, that would be a quicker turnaround in society! Need to educate and heal the adults too for a faster turnaround
The awesome part about knowledge is that it's sharable. When I have children I will use what I've learned while I raise them. We need to teach our kids what school fails to teach them. We are their ultimate teachers anyways.
Why would you paywall TealSwan? How many people can afford High Schools!
@@walgekaaren1783 High Schools should be free. You are missing the whole point though
Perfectly explained my childhood. It's so challenging being an adult; having to make important life choices without a sense of self. It's the first time I heard the term enmeshment. Now I understand why I dislike being committed to groups. And needing a lot of time by myself. I'm afraid that I will lose myself again.
Well said. From my experience, your comment is very close to how I feel.
I dislike groups too.
Yess my first time I heared this term.. and I also tell my self I need my space
I feel you
OMG! This is me. Im 40 and hate commitment but always wanted a family
Hold yourself back, or heal yourself back together. You decide.
You don't have enmeshment if that's a reality for you. How do you even know when you're holding yourself back? What is even holding yourself back. Ugh
@@blue_sky_bright_sun7599 distance yourself for a while and you'll realize a lot
@@mandolaa distance from what you mean?
@@mandolaa How, please.
Exactly what I've explained to my parents... They didn't get it. But, that's ok, I do, and I understand my future children are my lessons in life. Not my extension. Thank you for the revision on that! 🖤🥂
beautiful! i love this - wish this type of mentality on many
some people just repeat the mistakes their parents made. great for you!
Most children today are seen as their Mothers legal hostage.
Father's have expectations of their kids too!
Oh yeah absolutely!
This concept is not new.
Hahha
Its getting better. Boomer parents were the worst ever.
Finally figured that out at the age of 38. What a great age to become a 6yrs old again. 😂😂😂
Thank you! 🌺
Me too. I don't know why they don't teach this is in schools
Better than doing it when you are 50, like me.
Figuring it out at 37 right now 🙋♀️
I'm 42 better late than never 😂🎉
Parents are not holy. Not all parents love their offspring, no matter how well-functioning and ”normal” they may seem to people outside the family. If children show signs of abuse, take it seriously. Children are loyal and do not willingly reveal abuse to others for the sake of spite. If they do show signs of dysfunction, it’s serious.
Mine r shitty i wish i was An orphan instead
you are not alone
i guess Im kinda randomly asking but does anybody know a good site to watch newly released tv shows online ?
@@ottodeacon303 ask your parents.
❤
this video came like divine timing
Same!!
For sure
Right?? :)
Same here
sameee
I am the only adopted daughter of a narssistic mother. I'm fifty-three years old and only now finding out who I'm supposed to be. I think it's only now, because my mom passed away from dementia last year. As I cared
Gaslighting is shaming a child for exploring their sense of self and independence - it is soul-sucking and why most people cannot parent in a healthy manner - how can a parent still suffering from their own developmental trauma - attempt to guide a soul into this life in emotionally grounded manner?
Good question. You will find the answers in the books/audiobooks of former psychologist Alice Miller.
That's not gaslighting. This word is so overused. Unless you are being lied to into thinking something false is true and the other person doing it is AWARE, it's not gaslighting. That's the key. The other person has to be aware they are wrong. If they're not, it's not gaslighting but something else entirely.
The saddest/funniest part is that I didn't even REALIZE I had emeshment trauma until I studied abroad in Japan and had no familial supervision. That ment I could make friends with who I want, say what I want, wear what I want, eat what I want,, be alone when I want, and see people wherever I freaking wanted to. And when corona happened and I was forced back home, there was IMMEDIATELY friction with my family and I! I would say and do things that made them feel unloved and less than. My mom has abandonment trauma, so she's terrified the child's will leave and never come back leaving her all alone. But the sad part is, if she let us have a sense of self when we are with her, we would be happy to come back. I told her I don't like animal print and I find it tacky. My sister likes Animal print, so she was down. And my mom said to me because she was offended "well animal print can be VERY classy." And I was said "you can enjoy animal print, big sister likes animal print regardless of my opinion." And I could tell she still was dissatisfied with that answer. In the past like I'm highschool, I would have lied and said I'm cool with animal print, took the gift, and just never use it an let dust collect because I couldn't tell her and "not happy accepting it would be ungrateful, even if its a waste in the end." or convince myself that since she thinks animal print is classy, and I want to be classy, I now must like animal print. This is a small example of how deep this runs. This doesn't even touch the idea of love and relationships, jobs, etc. It makes me wonder, how often I would abandon myself because I love my family so much, that I ignored my own desire. I would move out, but because of corona, I can't do anything but self isolate and try to agree and do everything that they want me to do that doesn't make me want to scratch my eyes out.
I understand how you feel. May I offer some help - since you can’t move out, maybe a shift in perspective might make things easier?
Reading your comment my first thought was - “Wow, life has presented this person with such intense contrast from having to move back home during the virus, that they cannot help but intensely know EXACTLY what happened when they were growing up. It’s not fun for them but they are gaining so much clarity about who they are, and in having the bravery to even confront their family sometimes they are become more and more certain that once they get out, they will never be that enmeshed with anyone again”.
I hope this helps. I think you are brave. And that you are being presented with a scenario where you cannot help but know exactly who you are, so that in years to come you will be much happier than those who haven’t faced their family’s dysfunctional dynamics.
I have been where you are right now; for over a decade due to physical illness and disability and having to live with the same family that wouldn’t let me have my own core, my life was worse than death living in fear of abuse. There were Massive consequences to any kind of words I said that angered my abusers as I was physically and emotionally disabled . I don’t know how I’m alive tbh. While I was bedridden and in constant physical pain from chronic health conditions.
So my comment here is not just a flippant observation - I have endured extremely painful contrast during those long years when I still fought to hold onto myself. It only cemented the drive in me to be my own person and find my own truth.
Interestingly I moved out alone just before the virus hit, so for me I’m now finally experiencing my own true self emerging. Corona has been a liberator after over a decade of abuse while the rest of the world was free and I was trapped. And isolated in an apartment and not having stepped out onto a road since March, I am more free than I have been in a long time.
The new people who come into my life now are not allowed in if they show any sign of those toxic ways of enmeshment. I just walk away. That’s the gift out of all I have survived. I am more myself than ever.
I think you are going to be even more strongly self defined once this pandemic is over. Good luck, I wish you well! 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
@@carriehobbes2448 thank you so much for such a heartfelt response. I really appreciate it! I'm glad you were able to get have your own space during the pandemic! I wish only the best for you too! 💖
Just being able to go to Japan is a huge step. Just imagine people who still live with their families,sometimes even at 50,having not been able to differentiate between whats healthy and whats not,thats tragic. I have been living on my own since 2013 but i had always had this co dependent attachment with my family...only through Corona virus i could finally see life for it was..that i had to depend on myself and then slowly other things like " what do you like, when do you wanna go to sleep, what kind of people do you wanna have around you, and of course the ultimate thing of being alone and having to stay alive and what to do for it and having to make own decisions...",happened. You are slowly beginning to reinvent yourself. With some patterns you can work,others you can throw away. But knowledge is they key. Once you see the truth, you can act differently.
がんばってよ！！！
@mochaxmatcha Reading your comment gave me so much hope! You are brave enough to share this with the internet. Thank you so much for sharing this. Finally, I have met someone I can relate too. What is happening to you happened to me this March through September. I moved back to states in March from living in Japan for 4 years. I realised so much of what you are experiencing. I worked through this and was able to return to Japan in September. It was really difficult because I had no one who understood what I was going through. (Actually, I did have one coworker who was my high school classmate experiencing the same thing during that period because she had to move back in with her parents but not exactly like your experience). I have a Mexican family so this decision was difficult for my family and myself. People right now do not understand how someone can leave their family during a "pandemic" and still consider them family. You are not alone! During that time I felt so alone because I had no one who could understand me. Please feel free to reach out to me!
Giving up things for another person that didn't even ask for it in the first place and then feeling resentful...
I'm in this picture and I don't like it.
This was a tough one to swallow
Hahahahhahahahha... same.
@@dattagrace I didn't know I was doing it until now.
Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.
💕
This was my problem. I had a mother like this, very possessive and overprotective at the same time. No individual self at all, every attempt at being different was seen as untrue of her expectations of me, and a threat. I had no desire neither for private relationships or family, but I always misunderstood why people get forced into these things before developing their own sense of identity. One needs to learn to truly accept themselves, and not just follow the crowd and do things just because everyone does the same thing, in this case in the state of unconsciousness start a relationship or a family.
They do it to been seen as adult and grown up
Never use your child as a crutch or mask for your own shortcomings.
We MUST honor their free will & journey as it IS. This is what they signed up for. Also when they come out as the exact opposite of you or what you thought they would be like, it should awaken you enough to realize they came here to teach you too.
We must never stop learning or evolving together. No matter what the age difference is, they will prove to be messengers if you listen hard enough.
with social media, now more than ever kids are props.
Isn’t that also a need being met by a child? They aren’t lessons in your life for you. I think taking lessons from experience as a life long practice is different than expecting your child to be your teacher/show you lessons or truths.
oh, this all are my family except both of my brother, all the female in my family really are adult child....
abuse, neglect, still on progress
This is beautiful. Thank you.
@@spiritualsandyagreed. It makes me think of a character on the show Manifest, named Angelina. She thought the baby's purpose was to be her guardian angel. Totally unreasonable expectations of a child who can't even talk yet 😅
It’s such an interesting feeling to heal from my own childhood traumas while being a parent to young kids. I catch myself doing the exact things that my parents would do to me, to my kids, most of the time things that aren’t healthy. I used to shame the hell out of myself. Now I’m developing compassion for myself. It’s like raising myself, by myself, all over again.
I could not agree more. Well stated. It's frustrating to see yourself doing and saying things that you KNOW are not true. But also being locked into this identity of Parent in our society.
your last sentence. Wow ♥️
My maternal line is enmeshed. I always thought this was REAL love. I ended up being physically and verbally abused when I went through what Jung would probably call an attempt at, "individuattion," as a teen. The abuse was really bad. I am now raising a boy. I had to come home and raise my child at home with my parents, due to illness and being on a small government pension. A lot of traumatic memories surfaced. I discovered my parents are narcissists. I was SO ANGRY from all the flashbacks. My son watched me being SO ANGRY with them and I began to vent to him the older he got. So, he sided with me. I know NOW this is WRONG. That this is, 'enmeshment." I now, consciously, am trying to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I'm juggling my parents feelings, my feelings and my child's. What destroys me is that my son has become a people pleaser. It breaks my heart. I hope now that I've healed a lot of my personal trauma that my 7yr old will have a chance of experiencing happiness. I am dedicating my life to being a proper, GOOD mother. Please, if you have any constructive advice, comment. Thankyou.
@queenofthebutterflies5212
Well done on your awareness and work. He is still young.. give him lots of choice and support him in figuring out his preferences. Give him private space, control over where he wants to place his attention, help him discover what makes him happy. Don’t involve him in anything he doesn’t ask about, just address and support his feelings.
I’m no expert but just wanted to help when I saw no replies.
When you said “you thought love means sacrificing yourself for someone else” is so correct. That’s what my family thinks and how I think even outside of my family. I sacrificed my LIFE…for nothing, now I realized. The sacrifices don’t make anything better. It just gives me immense pain and feeling like a living tomb for decades of my life. I have no self, and I just want to disappear every single day.
Same
I am binge watching Teal recently. So many interesting topics since many years ago. I wonder why I only found out about you after you existed on RUclips for so long?😊
Because you’re ready now:)
I wouldn't think of it in that way because everything happens for a reason and at a time. It seems this is your time for self discovering and love.
It wasn't time before. You weren't ready before
Hold tight! You're in for a ride ;)
When the student is ready the teacher will appear
Omg I have this trauma. Never heard of it before and turns out to be the key to healing
❤💝❤
Exactly what I've been going through with my mother. As a child I was considered as stubborn. And now... at the age of 50. I've been trying to develop a sense of self with many periods of depression and suffering. Unfortunately she's trying everything in her power to counter because she sees it as a loss of her own identity.
Wow! 🤯 Currently visiting my parents at their home for the first time in 5 years and have been feeling very claustrophobic - this explains so much. Thank you 🙏
I felt the same after I leave my country for 1 and a half month. When I came back in my family hoyse, I felt claustrophobic
You addressed something I was going through. Just had a conversation with them, and I just saw a bunch of patterns like defending themselves, not listening, and invalidating my perspective all the time. I've had too much of this. Added, I'm from an Indian background, and wow. Year after year after year, and if I bring them up they cannot see that. I wrote to two churches that I just want to get away from them.
Woah. I’m from India too, and reading your comment was like reading my own thoughts.
I’ve come to painfully realise- I need to release attachment to the deep desperate desire for ANYONE in my family to “get it” and validate my terrible childhood. It’s too much to expect from people who haven’t done any work on self awareness or healing their own wounds.
So I am starting to be my own family and learning to hold space for my own tough feelings.
I wish you well Sonia, and good luck on your own journey 🙏🏼 🌞 🌈
@@carriehobbes2448 wow thank you for sharing. It feels good to express yourself and be with people who understand :)
Yes absolutely, no awareness baffles me. On the way to recovery, living on my own and finding safety in my own roots is the goal.
Yup, this is my family. Putting my family's needs above my own and not even knowing my needs. Also, feeling "bad" if I do want to follow a desire and not wanting to lose the "connection". I don't have a strong sense of self.
So, what do we do now!!
Never too late to build that strong sense of self
I do, though, @ELMKTF. Have a sense of self and want to lose "connections" for connection.
For how I see it, usually, parents with enmeshment trauma "produce" abandonment trauma in a child (because they need that space and autonomy to not feel enmeshed). Than, when that child grows up and becomes a parent with abandonment trauma, it will usually "produce" enmeshment trauma in their own child.
Bingo! That's exactly what I see in my family dynamics. Thanks for putting that into words.
It's a vicious cycle. That's why someone have to break the chains of these dynamics
That's exactly what happened to me. No my daughter 21 n I'm constantly trying to get away from her. It's a mess. My anxiety is thru the roof.
@@reneeleighkaraoke Maybe you need to set stronger boundaries with her so that you avoid getting overwhelmed. I realized I feel that way even more when I don't communicate my yes and no firmly and clearly anythime.
@@m.935easier said than done…its a nightmare situation
As always, thank you for this video, Teal. I've known I have enmeshment trauma for years. The way it resurfaces the most is... every time I want to do something, even if it isn't life changing, I always think about what my parents will think. Worse than that, I always make a problem of every situation thinking that in fact, they're going to either suffer because of said thing, be worried about me, or disapprove but not tell me. I have lived in a state of constant incapacity to feel my own feelings literally since I was born. I've known this for about 2 years now. Sometimes it is really hard to know what it is that I feel because I always feel my parents' or other loved ones' feelings over mine. Because of that, if you asked me right now, it'd be really hard for me to tell you what it is that I want, think is good, or want to create in my life. This whole situation has created a sense of self-hate, self-distrust, and a neverending carousel of horrible relationships where I always gave myself up for the other person and ended up being tossed to the side when not needed anymore. I'm slowly working on creating a healthy sense of self and allowing myself to feel my own feelings, trust my intuition (which has coincidentally always been right) and make my own mistakes. I crave simply being able to make my own mistakes and face the consequences without my number 1 concern being "what are mom and dad going to think". I've already made the decision to move out to my own place, I'm going to start therapy, and I'm going to take my last failed relationship and make it my final breaking point, where I realize all the things I have to improve about myself to reach happiness. I'm confident in myself and I know I can do this. Hoorah for mental freedom after all these years!
i'm curious to know how the last year has been for year, as im now in much the place you were when you posted this. hope you are doing well!
I've been fortunate in that I felt I had no choice but to push back against my families desire to trounce my authentic self. My voice was and continues to be something that causes a visceral reaction, rolling eyes, cutting off, complete dismissal etc. I've always been highly inquisitive, agreeable, conscienscious, and introspective which is the polar opposite of all my family members. I was an "easy" child because good grades, I didn't cause trouble and I generally excelled if I tried whereas just one brother has had 3 stints in prison, fought any authority, and was a constant "problem." The lack of parental involvement (and stifling my authentic self when it was expressed), caused a profound sense of loneliness in me as a child with the added factor of growing up without anyone remotely close to my age. I've had to fight my childhood choices of substance addiction as a remedy, but I'm in it for the long haul. The trouble is now I'm torn between a sense of duty to family, which I still hold as a virtue (likely consequence of the enmeshment), and the sheer volumes of disrespect and disdain that continues if I dare let something like my interests enter a conversation. I realize the importance of disconnecting from this sort of thing but I have nieces and a nephew who are going through the same thing. I feel torn between the sense of personal need and the reality that they will experience the same types of psychological trauma without anyone to even speak to while the family holds the "keys" to them. I've played the game long enough that I'm likely to see it through until they can make their own decisions without reprisal but at that point I see little other option than to disconnect completely.
"Kids are not clay" will be added to my repertoire, thanks!
Teal, I'm so amazed everytime how crystal clear your psychological explanations are, wow! I've seen thousands of vids on psychology and yours are simply the best, top shelf gold, hands down. Thank you so much for your efforts helping humanity help themselves, I'm so grateful. Stay safe and healthy girl.
It’s basic psychology
@@Scottfraser250 and? The OP is saying that for her, Teal explains these bAsIc topics the best.
I’ve had difficulties grasping the term “boundary” but after this video, I’m like HEUREKA! It’s about defining that static, not about building walls. This was a big one for me. Thank you! 🙏🏻💛
Damn this hit close to me. I always felt suffocated, in fact i rebelled hard later on and chose far extremes in order to find myself. In fact it is so deep and i forgot who i am to the extent where i chose to change paths in spiritual practice towards the left hand path.
I have done the opposite of parenting I have received, and can see how many mistakes I’ve made just by this video. I tell her a lot about what’s going on so she doesn’t feel lied to and it ends up with me telling her too much and not letting her be a care free kid. It’s wild how you can think you can do everything right and because we’re so imperfect we still make mistakes. Thanks for helping keep me humble so I can parent better and not let my ego make things worse.
I'm always amazed at how clearly, simply and honestly Teal explains the human experience. Most have a vague and fuzzy idea of psychology, even PhDs. The power of connecting introspection, reflection and reason.
Exactly!!
I had to have a conversation about this with one of my teammates. He was speaking in a very disrespectful manner towards me and I asked him, who gave him permission to cross professional boundaries with me? He was stunned 😳 he did his own self reflection and regained his awareness of who it is that I am, and the only reason we are affiliated is due to work. Although, he may not like me, he will respect me throughout the duration of our project. Nothing more, nothing less. It takes a great deal of emotional intelligence and patience to deal with these types of energies and their resistance to working with other people. I just focus on the goal and apply my energy to getting the work done. If it’s not my cup of tea, it’s not my cup of tea. I do not spend my life proving how much I do not like people, I will take that moment to see how we can utilize each other’s strengths to get money together, slap five, and go on with our lives, agreeing that we can at least make the best of the moments we do come together and enjoy our individual worlds. That’s just how I think though🤔
Applauding you! Your very on point! I loved the way you handled yourself. It is important people get checked immediately otherwise they will continually think your the one to be played with. I dealt with that too much and see where your coming from and you are so intelligent. I loved the " we can utilize each other's strengths to get money together"
Hmmm, good call. Bowl of popcorn, box of tissues, play it on repeat and let this sink in...
better than medicine for the soul!
I was thinking about this recently actually.
I had a thought that my kids are not mine...they are souls that came here for a purpose, just like me and you.
That thought made me look at them as adults, who might have lived more lives than myself and I should therefore respect their perspective.
☯️
There's a beautiful poem that says something like...kids come through you but aren't yours...they belong to the future, tomorrow.....something like this.....if u type that in Google ull probably find it. 1 of my favorites. I read it 8 years ago. It was such a groundbreaking idea 4 me then..having a 2 year old...new to parenting. It resonated. But i felt sad almost too. To really realize she came through me but isn't mine. Now I celebrate this privaledge...and fight hard to help other parents recognize their child is their own self, and how damaging it can be for kids to not be seen and recognized for them-self... but rather who the parents want them to be. It's very damaging to children and ruptures the connection of the relationship and i have such passion to bring awareness to this problem (that I even see as emotional abuse.)
Its hard to have these conversations with parents and slow going to get through to the parent(as they always have good intentions and love for their kids...) but planting the seed is enough for me......as it feels so fulfilling to spread this knowledge around and hope just maybe a conversation I had with a parent could better the connection a child and parent has w each other!
Being raised in a conservative Italian family, this is exactly what happened to me.
I was able to make choices which reflect my inner truth, but I am still struggling with losing myself in other peoples feelings, thoughts and life's and completely giving up on my sense of self.
It's a process.
I've come a long way and there is a lot to learn.
Ti capisco fratello! Io figlia femmina di padre padrone e madre debole. Il bello è che si dichiarano pure progressisti
Yes! This is such a challenging aspect of parenting!! I’ve become so aware of it because I suffered a lack of autonomy as a child. So it takes great awareness to NOT perpetuate the trauma. 🤪🤪🤪 Thankfully, I’ve got strong willed children that check my intentions quite often. Bless them. Such gifts helping me grow beyond my own enmeshment.
This is exactly how I felt as a child, being gaslit, and learned that I had to give up part of me to be loved. I now see this pattern in my past relationships and am suffering in my current relationship as a codependent even though my partner has a strong personality and is doing his best. I crave a sense of self and independence.
Me too with you on that
Man is it painful to see myself in some of these talks...also the pendulum swing of healing
Like holy hell it's painful to hear but I am so so thankful to have ears to hear and a desire to find me way through ❤ thanks for the courage to speak the uncomfortable truth
Thank you Teal, this describes me exactly. I'd loose myself in friendships, love relationships, even business relationships. And would find myself trying to cling on for dear life and becoming very disillusioned with my path. Would go through stages then of avoidance and denial becoming introverted to just hang onto myself. I recognise when the pattern began in earlyg childhood maybe 3 or 4yrs old when my grandmother died and my mother was distraught , clinging to me and pleading with me what is she going to do now, I remember just being there like a rag doll but feeling I should just lie still and support her. When I look back now, that was the first imprint.
This just blew my whole illusion! This is what I was hoping to get therapy for cause I couldn't figure it out. This is crazy, Thank You 🙏🏽
Growing up as a scapegoat so this all too familiar. Having my own identity and mind despite all my good grades and achievements made me a “rebel” because I did not want to follow the script my parents created. Add that Eastern culture to it (I am African and Arab) which tells you that your parents can do no wrong and questioning them means you are a disrespectful demon.
My daughter and I just had a deep conversation and I had never even heard of the term. I was in shock when she revealed to me this. I want to heal our relationship. I’ve been doing research and I feel absolutely horrible. I had no idea the impact of this. I want answers and help. I’m in therapy already but I will tell my therapist but also seek family counseling. I love my daughter and her mental health and emotional health is all I care about. I had to accept it although it was so heart wrenching but I did it to heal my baby. I WANT HELP AND SOLUTIONS. A word of advice in my case is I DID NOT KNOW. Please don’t beat us up too harshly. If I would’ve known I would never in my life made some of the choices I did.
Brahs I can't unenmesh without emotional safety, but everyone appears UNSAFE. Deadlock.
This is what makes this time in history extra challenging. ❤
I think it calls for us to keep the vibration high even though we are faced with the insanity of these times - all the time ✨ and our own liberation (and inner darkness) at the same time, as well ❤
I totally get you 😔
Emotional safety is build on your comfort. If you take care of your comfort, the safety is made real and you can enhance it anytime by taking care of yourself. Try it, make your self comfortable, learn how you like things, do them for yourself 💚 Then enmeshment becomes evident because it only triggers you if you want to be taken care of in a different way. This is why if you know how to take care of your own self, you can safely give space to another human being when they act differently to your expectation 💚
A safe person is someone who will take your best interests as their own best interests, they’ll take you as a part of themselves so they can’t harm you without harming themselves. I believe that you will find safe people, I was enmeshed by my mother and i am now in a relationship with the first safe person I think I’ve ever met and I am healing so much.
Feel that
I love this. This is exactly what my hubby is doing to my children, trying to mould them to his needs instead of what my children needs and is breaking my heart that he won't just understand the damage he is doing to them, same damage he suffered as a child.
My dad did this to me and our relationship never healed. Even now as an adult he still tries to do the same and as a result I have never wanted to bother getting close to him because to me I am just something for him to control and he still doesn’t recognize me as a person separate from him. I decided for my own mental health to keep interactions with him to a minimum. I sincerely hope your husband tries to change before your child ends up feeling the way I do
@@LK-sy3kl I understand you completely....even my kids don't have a close relationship with their dad. They do things just to please him because they are scared of him. what can I do when he refused to see reasons or try others ways. His words are final. Am just looking and observing and loving and encouraging my children so they know their are other way to life...a beautiful side of life.....it helps balance them. He is not acting out of hate but programmed lifestyle....your dad is a victim. That is the truth there.
@@unendingripples4446 yes but it is parents responsibility to heal themselves for their children. He knows what he does affects me as I have even cried and been visibly upset from it but he doesn’t care and continued the same. So it is clear he doesn’t care and I feel no empathy for him
I understand you completely. Is well,
Thank you TEAL SWAN
I believe that in our times, to truly be able to live together as individuals, we can't do it on a psychological level! We need a third element which is missing from our families and our societies at the moment! We see a great polarization, between left and right and no middle line, no glue to bring people together into a unity where differences can be accepted, tolerated even. This is where our spiritual and conscious evolution comes into play. We need to discover this third element, which is really higher consciousness, unity consciousness, or God-consciousness. It's the ability to connect to another person above the ego and create a shared space where we are ONE, without negating or erasing each other. This space is BETWEEN us. It is neither of us. Just like the male and female come together to create a child, new life. They contribute their unique traits to form a new being that is neither of them but is shared by them. We need to learn how to connect above our differences, to give birth to higher consciousness, and a life of true love, peace, and inner fulfillment. This is what wants to be born right now!
In families, this means that we need to work above our ego as parents, to give our children their own unique expression and individuality, while also teaching them how to love others and connect with them above the ego.
Each person has a uniqueness we mustn't erase! It's in our unity that we can actually discover our uniqueness because that is where it can finally be discovered...where each of us can finally realize our unique abilities in contribution to the whole. Until we have connected, our true spiritual spark and abilities remain dormant, and may be expressed on the corporeal level in different ways- but not to their full potential and with full joy and clarity. Beautiful process we have ahead of us!
The no. 1 need you talk about. I never had it in 40 years. I am all alone: no family, friends, husband, child. And I still live. Because I practice gratitude.
Cool
Thank you. This is the best and complete video explain enmeshment trauma. All asian girl suffers from this, esp when they are not the ideal-woman type of the society (submissive, nurturing, people pleasing). I lost myself for 30 years, not until I emotional detach from them, Im able to feel strong and safe. Even at that time, doing my things (projects, goals) put me in fight/flight because I fear of being abandon.
I suffered being raised in this, my mother making me her "best friend" more than daughter. I took care of her, from a very young age. I remember doing this as young as six. Thinking one thing, then shifting my mindset to believe what she did. When the world and reality intruded I began living in two different realities, one with her, where we both believed the same thing - me taking up her causes wholeheartedly, and the one everyone else believed. She was very paranoid. Everyone was the enemy, especially men. I was six when she told me she'd been raped and molested as a child. She made me afraid of men, years before I was even an adult. Looking back, the abuse was so clear. I don't know why anyone never stopped it. I have a huge family, they all criticized her raising but none did anything, and they all are like that in a way. My mother was like that with her mother. In fact, my Nana had that relationship with all her children. It's just scary how bad the dynamic is. My little brother is in this now with her. And I see what she's doing, but nothing changes her. She just turns it on me or anyone around her. Enmeshing and becoming what they want to see, until she's alone. Then she forgets it all, and the is no healing, or progress or adult there. I've often likened her to a 14-year-old mentally. I grew up, she didn't, that was when I first saw something was wrong.
I escaped but it was hard-won. The disillusionment was painful. I realized she was a bad mother. I didn't talk to her for a year. I was 20. I wish I had never talked to her again because when I did I was sucked back in and had to "escape" again. And I mean escape mentally, reversing brainwashing is more difficult than escaping prison I'd imagine. I proceeded to then unconsciously find every relationship an echo of that one. Now each memory of a relationship ending - with friends or lovers or family - hurts to even think about. And I want relationships badly, but finding one hurts to think about. I've been in therapy and putting a concentrated effort into healing for 7 years now and I'm still at this stage. I've been slowly developing a sense of self. It's nice, wonderful even. I love finding myself the most. In fact, loving myself, finding me, has pulled me out of being suicidal. I was for years. Now I am not. But only parts of me are strong enough to weather someone's dissent. Like I've crafted a steel spine, but only on certain topics. I don't know how to stop the enmeshment feeling when I love someone. I'm either in or out. I either worship them, or I want to be alone and not have the responsibility of a relationship.
I wish there was more in between. It would be really nice to have family, friends, lovers. Teal called it. I am myself when alone. When around others it's tetchy, especially if I am fond of them in any way. I hate that person who does that, the public me, the polite one, the people pleaser. It's only in the past two years I've learned it's okay if I'm rude. That I'm not bad for being rude. lol. Imagine, learning that at my age. My dog really helped me learn that lesson. She helped me with the anger I didn't know I had. She still loves me after I yell at her (for going potty in the house or whatever bad behavior) she still wants to be around me and wants to show love. Others just disappear when I get mad. It happened so much growing up I must have blocked off all my anger. Now I have to learn how to be angry, allow myself to be angry, not just stamp on it.
The pain of enmeshment trauma colours every part of my life. I fear saying anything, even though I'm a Gemini and talk a lot. (See my longwinded comment. lol). I have 4 books written and I fear even trying to publish them. I can't trust others to find my opinions, inner mind workings and beliefs and thoughts, okay enough to want to read. I'm terrified of putting my inner mind out there. Just commenting on RUclips is a study in balance. Recently got into Reddit and I get days where I can't venture there, fearful of what the responses are. Stating political opinions, spiritual ones, anything just starts rigors of uncertainty. I still do it, but it's just... painful. If I do so in real life, to a person, I physically shake on the deeper topics. I've manifested as agoraphobic - probably just to maintain a barrier and safe space where I can be myself and it's not painful. My apartment is a sanctuary until too much noise intrudes. I'm often nocturnal just to capture a sense of aloneness. Living in a city, I can't leave my apartment without seeing 20 people in a run to the mailbox, easily 300 when walking the dog. I miss being in the country, seeing no one for 30 miles.
Obviously, that's the worst of it. I've healed a lot, with a lot of work. Therapy has been like 20% of the work I've done on myself and my healing. I can function, I just can't function all the time. I do think the advice in this video helps. Developing who I am was difficult. I often wonder if it's really me. I change so much, so often. And I'm afraid to be in any relationship because of that. My therapist thinks a healthy relationship will fix it but I can't get in one without triggering it again. So I just stay by myself. It sorta bothers me he thinks of me as a friend. I worry every relationship will just be enmeshment. I can't take another one like it. The last one, a romantic relationship, nearly killed me. I've spent 7 years recovering. I've barely had friends in the meantime. I stay away from family, partly by choice, partly because they don't approve of me being gay and not Christian. I never told them who I was when I was a kid, I hid it, so when it did come out they freaked. I acknowledge my part. I don't blame them. I just can't with them.
I think the whole world is like this these days. It's like a collective enmeshment trauma in society. I don't know who they were enmeshed with but the recoil is visible. I see the pain in how crazy everyone is, trying to control what everyone says and believes and thinks even. It looks like that pendulum swung too hard in overcorrect. It'd be nice to know the cure.
Luv the way you express yourself, unfiltered thoughts..... ❤️
Fellow gemini here- wow, i love how you express your thoughts..this was really satisfying for me to read as it was so relatable. It validated my reality and that im not so alone in it. I would love to read more of your writing. I think it would be great if you published your books:)
"Opposition so you can feel yourself" is an interesting concept. Never heard of it. I feel like a video on this is needed.
I know exactly what she means. It's sad. Intimacy becomes equated with opposition. I always thought that was because I grew up in a highly conflicted home. Maybe it's both.
@@TheTurulhawk I also grew up in a conflicted home and am sorting through all of it so to redirect my life better.
In absolute AWE of this woman!!! I clicked on here and started listening thinking she only had 20,000 subscribers and then thought to myself. Damn this woman is excellent at what she does and I looked up and saw that she had 2 million subs and it made total sense. Agree with others, I’ve watched hundreds of psych vids and this Teal Swan by far the clearest and best explanation to things.
Perfect timing. Having a mental crisis this week and if I know anything, it's that having a crisis means things aren't sustainable. One of those things has been how I erase myself in relationships for people who don't think my feelings or perception are real. A tough lesson to learn while you're down, but it needed to happen and you've been a real comfort for me in this time.
I can feel u. These past months I've experienced the same crisis. Now I'm redefining myself and my needs. There are times that it's really suffocating, cause I'm still living with them, but I'm about planning to leave soon
Agreed! I’ve purposely raised my daughters very differently than I was raised. They have a voice, and say, in any decision that concerns them, unless it’s about their safety. They are their own people and their voice matters. I still make mistakes with my own life, and they are allowed to do the same.
That’s awesome!
Born and raised in this fashion can take its toll on an individual, some has been smoothed out so far, with what’s been learned and practiced, over the last year and a half,however what I retain mostly from today’s flamboyant topic is that the biggest challenge that lays ahead once one breaks away from the shackles of those who have put them on in enmeshment, is learn to breath the way a functional family have successfully been able to recompose. My hint where to start looking forward for such blessings is whenever autonomy starts bearing its fruits always remember not to take the people responsable for such acquired ressource in life, ever for granted.
Interesting
I discovered Teal's videos during a dark night of the soul a couple years ago, and she's consistently shed light on patterns I didn't know I had. I so value her astute insight into our relational ills.
i really needed this at this phase of my life. teal you are a supernatural being!
Incase You'd Rather Read About It Instead: tealswan.com/resources/articles/what-is-enmeshment-trauma-r432/
I've never been able to fully articulate my childhood trauma despite speaking three languages. words are one of my gifts, yet I've never been able to find a way to describe what happened to me. Whenever I have questions, Teal just comes up that day or the next, like the Universe was listening. My mother came from a disgustingly abusive household and I'm her blind spot. She'll never acknowledge my upbringing. Thank you for articulating what I was never able to Teal, and thank you for helping me start down the path of healing.
"She'll never acknowledge my upbringing". Even if she won't you can still heal from your trauma. You don't need her acknowledgment. If you want to go further with your healing journey the books/audiobooks of Alice Miller are a great ressource.
@@lextor4712 appreciate the reply and recommendation :)
It is so crazy when you said the part that’s it’s more than likely in the parents best interest and not yours, I got that sinking feeling in my stomach, and before I even realized you called out that that might be triggering. I didn’t even realize
Probably the best explanation of enmeshment I've ever come across. Thank you for the work you do, you're helping others on their path to healing❤
Only someone who really cares about others a great deal would bother to make videos like this. Thank you Teal Swan.
Fantastic insight, thank you- From the family black sheep❤️
Have been rolling around in these connections between bullying, narcissism and codependency. So grateful to hear you map enmeshment as an extreme form of codependency, as I've been experiencing the position of being opposed. I recall that Robin Williams was afflicted with enmeshment patterning.
I found out in the past few years through very painful experiences that this is one of the main trauma’s I am dealing with. Thank you Teal for existing, being with me and making me understand myself better. Please keep on guiding me on the path until the endless end. 🧡💜💙🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
The videos that deal a lot with parenting are extremely helpful. Thank you for touching on these topics. I find them so helpful for healing my own wounds and developing my own parenting. Much love 💜
Kat, agreed. As a parent in today's society, I do my best to be a 'good' parent. But I also know that I have my own issues that are playing out in the parenting relationship. My hope is to help my kids develop a healthy sense of self, while maintaining my own sense of self. It's crazy knowing that my own unconscious stuff is finding its way to them, but I am doing my best.
I am healing (more consciously) from this now, wonderful timing
Dude... This video finally explained the dynamic that was present all throughout my life in my relationship with my mom. Basically relying on other people for a sense of self, yet can't handle other people's authenticity. This wreaked absolute havoc on my psychology as a child. Thank God I'm still young and have done a lot of work to heal my anxiety and become more authentic. Thank you Teal 🙏
This video is so true! I prefer when I am alone. Being alone makes me feel peaceful
Healthy autonomy is crucial to healthy development and ultimately life satisfaction.
Anyone watching this video is one of the few who are waking up from the big toxic sleep we've all been under.
Let's stay awake and make lots of noise so others wake up too ... And then, there may just be some hope for us, the animals & the planet ... All the things we've been slowly destroying to the point of extinction without even really caring about it
Please please do a video how to
deal with toxic family members on a daily basis, I still live with them because we don't have culture of moving out more over we don't have part time jobs. Please I find it hard to heal while the toxic cycle is still repeating it self, specially the fighting on a regular basis.
She be spitting factsss 9:00
what she is saying is literally describing my life, I came to the realization that I need to close off and find myself as an individual. And now she just comfirmed that💕
I am really struggling to set them boudaries, specially emotional ones
Still working through pieces of it. Not at the point of having the relationships I truly want show up yet. But getting closer. Isolation once fully grasping the damage done from enmeshment was the wisest thing I did as an adult.
Now comes the integration. It’s more challenging, but I think that is true for everyone who is learning how to have relationships.
Remembering compassion and forgiveness of self while walking down the path to healing has been more difficult than the original injury. Peace, blessings, and love to all who are facing this, too. ❤️🙏🏻🌎🙏🏻❤️
This is a wonderful presentation of a very common, very accepted, and VERY PAINFUL form of abuse. It clarified and validated a lot of my own experiences. My gratitude to Teal for presenting this topic. :)
Love from Kenya, you teachings are much appreciated
Thank you Teal, you are a blessing!!
Now I am able to understand what's going on within my family dynamics and other relationships in general.
I have decided to gain more clarity on my personal needs, wants & desires and take action on fulfilling them. Also I will encourage others to do the same.
Feeling more hopeful about my life than ever 🙂
Thank you for this one Teal!!! It's a scary and foreign process letting myself have/be my own individual self- and overcoming the fear of conflict along with that. P.S a parenting book from you would be a dream come true! If it needs to be an entire encyclopedia length book then so be it! As much info as possible would be HUGELY appreciated 💙🌈🦜 have a beautiful day everyone
I found enmeshment trauma in my life. I will take this video on to heal. Sorry I sound so robotic I'm really going through so tough childhood trauma but your videos really help. Peace and blessing
Thank you again Teal Swan! This is exactly what I experienced growing up. Forced to play football in junior high and high school and threatened if I even told anyone I didn't want to play... I obviously have a lot of work to do on myself, but this video is a huge help. You truly are a healer Teal Swan! I can't thank you enough
Thank you for this, Teal. "Sacrifice" yourself in order to "meet your goals". I have always hated that word...
And that’s actually their goals for you. Otherwise, it wouldn’t feel like sacrifice
I have never clicked on a video so fast in my life. Thank you : )
God bless us as it sucks to have to loose colleagues friends and partners while being blamed that you lied to them by showing not the real you! It adds to you pain more guilt and feel so isolated to have no one to support me on finding my self 😢 I’m an immigrant I Germany and my parents wont cooperate in helping me and my friends are all around the world but no single person I can meet to have any chance to heal… I ended up jobless as I have fear to interact with colleagues around me… pray for my healing to become possible ❤ all my support to everyone of and and many thanks for the painful truth that Teal Swan have shared with us
I have no idea what my authentic self even is or even how to find it.
Same with me.
My authentic self is direct and honest. I think most people would say the same about their authentic selves.
@@joshuaadamstithakayoutubel2490 I just dated a man who said he thought of himself as direct and honest..
He said he really liked and cared about me. We dated about 3 months, talked for 8 months.. he never once put on his facebook that he was in a relationship. Then once we broke up only 2 WEEKS later his facebook says "in a relationship" haha just because people say they are direct and honest doesnt mean they are. People who get over relationships super quick never really cared about the person much to begin with. He said he liked me and i felt the opposite and my feelings were correct.
@@melissawaggoner7509 He said he liked you, but he didn't, so he wasn't being his authentic self.
I don't think it makes sense to define someone's authentic self as indirect and not honest (inauthentic).
@@joshuaadamstithakayoutubel2490 I feel the same but I worry about my directness intimidating or hurting others. I just watched Teals video about authenticity vs being an asshole and it was helpful. I’m not saying directness is bad by any means. Just for me in particular I’ve found myself swing from one extreme to the other. I’ll feel no sense of self and share nothing, then be overly direct and honest to a destructive degree because it feels like being different, and then back to isolation and feeling a lack of confidence.
Please do a more detailed video on how to get over it and how to go about bringing changes in one's life. Thank you so much for making this video I can't thank you enough thank you so much thank you thank you thank you
OMG... The clay. I like that better than what my mother told me when I was like 8.... She said I was like some ground meat and that she needed to mold me into a loaf... She always had that knack for making me sick to my stomach when all she was trying to do was.. hahaha help. Enmeshment dynamics make me sick to my stomach and to this day hahahah no body in my family understands that I love them but I can't be around. They make me sick...
When you did your clip on IG with Blake, oh my resistance went right up, felt exposed, angry, ashamed full flare-up. But today I was ready to sit and listen, and hold space reflectively. Also listening to this made me connect something else I've been struggling with internally, like a 'pop' oh my heart feels better. Big love and hugs. Thank you for walking us home 💖🙏
Love you Teal!
83 views in 2 minutes. Wtf I wish
@@HeartSpaceMagic That’s not that much
One sentence to describe my childhood. You are the oldest. You should be the wisest. This was a painfully true video Teal. I learned boundaries the hard way. Namaste.
Divine timing. Gaining a lot of insight through Teals videos. Feeling blessed to be in this timeline.
So good! Ugh yeah trying to find myself in spite of my parents. Mom had me because she was lonely, and I was 100% expected to be a mini me, like the same things, have the same energy (she's probably undiagnosed ADHD, I'm self diagnosed autistic... mismatch!!!), and I was also self aware enough to know they were causing harm and I had "anger issues" because I didn't deal well with the emeshment
I’ll be praying for you ❤️🩹🧸
Sadly nobody teaches you how to be a parent I wish I had known this stuff back when when my son was little I see myself all over what till said I already kind of knew this about myself but teal always has a way putting things that brings it home as a result of my enmeshment with my son when he was younger we have been estranged since 2015 I wish I knew then what I know now.
Gosh I know this is one of my greatest problems in relationships. I've lost myself so much that I'm mostly completely unconscious of what I want and like and don't like. I'll just do whatever the other person wants because I have completely lost touch with myself and can't tell anymore.
I feel like relearning this is an agonizingly slow process and honestly I'm already panicking at the thought, because it feels too difficult.
But one small step at a time, I guess.
Everyone who is struggeling with this I send you all my love and empathy! ♥️
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families is a great 12 step program for this stuph
that group has helped me ALOT here in AlbQ, NM...but it's still closed & I refuse to do Zoom
Also the book - Healing the Child Within for ACOA by Charles L Whitfield. For anyone in a country or city/town etc. where there are no ACOA 12 step programs (for example, India, where I’m from).
Wonderful book, 8 years after buying it for myself I am smiling as a I realise how far I have come from when I first opened those pages. More healing to be done but it’s worth it 🙂
Good luck to everyone out there taking on the courageous journey of healing from any sort of trauma! 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
Carrie Hobbes teamup.com/ksa8874yvf1gd5xmnx
Its so crazy Teal, i feel like you know me personally by what you're producing. Im sure its so common to have dealt with all these issues due to how things are organized at the present moment but damn. Im over here coasting along, having so many relationship issues, the desire to isolate. I tend to think im on the spectrum because of my disassociation and repulsion from typical people but i bet you i have such a specific cluster of developmental issues/childhood trauma/head trauma/and drug use, that it would resemble the experience of being autistic. I tell you, not only is life an illusion. Its a prism of mirrors that are always telling you something about what you're searching for. Its definitely a hell of a ride and im so grateful to have RUclips and access to minds like yours.
LOL
I have pretty severe inmeshment trauma and the past 4 ish years i have been unraveling it. The largest lasting issue i have had has been not knowing what i want. Like literally no clue because i was so used to making other people's wants my own. So i have been going through this extremely awkward faze of just trying things to find out if they aline but i have yet to develop much forward vision. Maybe reliving my no faze will open something up. I might have to take that leap
her message at the end of the video is always powerful and full of gratefulness.
So beautiful! Thank you Teal! 💖