I'm enjoying your amazing content from America, near the coast! Honestly, I'm so glad I watched this video, because I think I've been misusing the term "Selective Mutism".. Oops.... Well, thanks so much, the video was very informative, looking forward to more amazing content, keep up the great work!😊❤️
I’m watching from the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. I have many friends and family members with ASD. My best friend was diagnosed as an Aspie under the DSM-4. I also have a child and a nephew with varying degrees of Autistic traits.
I'm pretty sure I have selective mutism. I almost never talk socially. A problem I often have is that I'll be with a group of people and I'll have something to say but there never seems to be spot between other people talking when I can talk, and the conversation changes topic before I get to say anything. Also, I once told someone that I was selective mute and he told me I needed to just unmute, as if that were a thing I could actually do.
Wow I relate to this so much. Like everyone will be talking and I can't find the right time to speak up and then all of a sudden the conversation has switched over to something totally different.
@@LuckyGirlsTown and for the new topic I have nothing to say, so I don't get to talk at all. I often feel like I'm not included or valued as much because I can't always participate verbally.
@Carolyn Baumgras I relate to this a lot. I often find myself trying to find the right time to talk especially when I'm in a big group. Then there's always the one person who says "why are you so quiet" and then you feel even more awkward.
@@Ctrees904 Ouch. I do have selective mutism and I feel this so much. I spent a lot of time in my life feeling like I was always on the outside of the group unable to really break the barriers for very similar reasons to what you described. I'm about to turn 31 and my best advice to you is to share this intimate piece of yourself with the people who matter the most to you. If they really love and care for you they will be happy to make communication accommodations for you such as allowing you a moment to type what you'd like to say out on your phone or writing it down on paper, or simply paying closer attention to physical cues and eye contact with you that would let them know that you want to participate in the conversation and you have something to say, you just need an extra moment or two to get it out. My most recent ex and I even learned some sign language together for situations where writing something down is just not practical. (things like help, please! If I'm in the kitchen and need an extra pair of hands, or "i'm overwhelmed" so they would know to take charge of verbal interactions while were in public.) I find this also makes me feel more confident because people probably just assume i'm deaf (I actually am almost totally deaf in one ear, but thats aside from the point) which leads me to another recommendation of considering learning some sign language and participating in deaf communities. I wish you well. Mutism is a really frustrating thing to deal with, but it is certainly something that with some patience from your loved ones and some creativity on everyone's parts, can be worked around.
I have selective mutism. I NEVER raised my hand in class because I was always afraid I would sound not neurotypical. I thought I was just overly shy all the time, and so did my parents, and their idea was to put me into MORE social situations as practices. Like forcing me to make their business phone calls to practice talking without writing it down.
Saffyrix My mom thinks that I don’t talk in certain social situations because either I don’t like the person we’re in a social situation with, I’m just being non-polite, or I just don’t like talking. She always yells at me because of that and acts like it’s my fault. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to tell her I’m probably in the spectrum and I need a psychologist
@@uch_a4483 Same here! I understand where you're coming from. I know this comment is 5 months old, but how I convinced my mother to finally go see one was by telling my family doctor. They usually will recommend your guardian for someone to see, and if your guardians are non-believers of that stuff, (like mine) they will usually listen to the family doctor since they "believe" and have "more trust" in them.
@@uch_a4483 same with me, but I don't know if I'm on the spectrum, have selective mutism, or just have bad social anxiety. Like when I try talking to most people I freeze up and I completely forget what to say. I'm too scared to tell my parents though since they don't take too kindly to mental illnesses.
Saffyrix i don’t have trouble like this in class because of my nature (i just blurt things out in class) but i really have selective mutism in situations like being unable to join in a conversation in a group and being unable to say it when i need help..
A conversation often looks like a flow you just cannot enter. You make an effort - and stumble, and there's a rock under your foot, you slip, then just make a step aside and just watch the water flowing.
.....yeah I definitely have selective mutism, like a lot of things have made me think I just might, between hearing others experiences with it, and hearing what it can look like in a person, but this hit the nail in the head for me, because the amount of times I have tricked entering a conversation feels like trying to swim in treacherous waters, I just can't keep up, or when it goes from being me and one other person talking, to someone else joining, it's like the flow has made it impossible for me to re-enter talking with that conversation, and so I just stop, unable to find a good place to put my voice back into the conversation- I have been in tears from just how badly I wanted to be able to speak, and still being physically unable to, like I'm Sisyphus, pushing the invisible force up a hill just so I can speak again, but I keep slipping and can't make it untill the force disappears.... Thanks for this comment I needed it lol
I feel a physical blockage in my throught when I can't talk. I had just been saying that I become non verbal. I had NEVER considerd a muteism. This is hellpfull. :) thank you :)
I can’t physically get the words out and I freeze up. I have to write down what I want to say sometimes. I literally write people pages and pages of letters sometimes.
+Bruh … I have always had selective mutism, but never knew what it was until I was late diagnosed with Autism/AS/PTSD/ADHD in 2015. It was 'mistaken' by my family, friends, workpeople as my being thick/ignorant/rude etc. and was persecuted because of it. I empathise with your situation. Like you, I prefer to write (sometimes pages and pages) and text than speak on the telephone/mobile. There is a stress and anxiety factor to this with me, too. I get tired, frustrated etc. because of it. You are not alone. Peace and All Good.
I write sometimes. If I'm really stressed, my brain spews out words in no particular order, or hides them from me, whichever, and I'm like, for instance, trying really hard to just...say the word...avocado, but it comes out armadillo, and then my brain's like, nope. That word's not in here, and I end up saying, "that oily thing. It's green." Because everybody can relate to that.... But if I'm writing it, it comes out fine.
I did this too, at school i got notes with hello, goodbye and a few basic questions that i could give my teacher. My parents reacted as soon as they noticed the change when they put me in day care at the age of 3, because i stopped talking to my grandparents too, so we were prepared way before school started.. can't imagine getting/having this when you're not a child, i grew mine off even though i still struggle with a lot of anxiety. I can experience the freeze-reaction in arguments with my boyfriend when my brain cant handle more arguing..
What if it is not fear based when you dont talk. I mean sometimes when I am quiet it is fear based, but sometimes its not and I just cant talk. I dont really react to much either. I just observe everything. I can say a few things but I dont really interact with the world around me. Its like I have been social for too many days so my brain is just like "ok, you need a break"
@@starletd6819 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion it's quite different! :) (sorry, I kinda get triggered by how isunderstood this concept is) Have a wonderful, blessed day!
I believe I have selective mutism. I often feel a blockage in my throat when my anxiety kicks in. I just can’t talk, I force myself and my voice comes out a whisper. I’ve always forced myself to speak, thus making my voice a whisper. My family have always been upset with me when I don’t talk but they also become upset when I speak and it comes out a whisper since they can’t hear me. I didn’t really realize this was a thing until now. I’m 22 and in college.
@@vex3445 it’s improving but it still happens when I become anxious or when I’m speaking to someone new. I’ve become accustomed to just carrying a whiteboard with me.
@@theservicerose5949how have you been working on it and getting through it because I definitely have it I barley talk to my own family and friends it’s very depressing
@@Zkgod24 I have been improving it by starting with a person I felt the most comfortable with and has a history of not making me feel upset for my struggle to speak. From there I have gradually moved to one word answers/short phrases with the family I live with. They have a history of judgement and frustration when they can’t understand me. I’ve gotten to the point where I can have conversations with them without using my whiteboard but it’s taken a few years of slow buildup and raising my confidence
I've been wondering if I have selective mutism. There are definitely times in social situations where I withdraw and don't talk even if I feel I have something to say. In therapy, there were times I couldn't respond to a question. So I came up with the idea of taking my laptop with me and pulling up Word. From there I can type my answer out and type the commands to have the text read aloud by the computer. This has helped me to communicate to my therapist at times when I would otherwise go silent.
I relate to some of the symptoms of selective mutism but sometimes it's just outright refusal to talk because I don't see the point of doing so. But in any case, I still don't bother with communicating with strangers unless I'm finally desperate for information/help. I've once managed to ask for help while taking the subway in Japan, and my family was a little too impressed by it. The only time I'm capable of communicating to strangers is when I desperately need something. Otherwise, I stay quiet and try to figure things out on my own because not everyone has the right answers or information.
This is 100 percent accurate. The more people in a group conversation multipliesthe difficulty to keep up and keep interest. 1 on 1 or 2 on 1 is tolerable but I tune out in large groups and try to keep up and make a comment once in awhile. Like our brain cant keep up with all the different voices and I literally feel like I'm falling asleep from the noise. Probably why people think we can be rude when in reality our brains aren't wired to keep up with group conversation unless its something we're really informed on and interested in.
Kara A, unless your doctor has Aspergers, how can he/she know as much as Dan, he lives with it daily and no doctor can know more than someone born with it?
I can relate to the points of selective mutism. I can communicate with people I'm comfortable with one on one but really any more people than that I find a quiet corner to keep to myself in until I can leave that situation. Even if it's a group of all people I am comfortable with I find myself shutting down.
I was diagnosed with selective mutism at age 12. Freaking sucks. Barely anybody understands what I go through. If anybody else is going through just know that I’m here! My SM has given me serious depression since I was always lonely. I couldn’t talk to anyone not even my own family about my feelings. Life sucks, but if you have one friend it can make everything better. I’m here for anyone that’s also going through a tough time!
I don’t talk in school or anywhere related to medical things. No doctors no dentists nothing. I talk at home in English and malls if nobody I know is there. If I see someone I know, I run away and don’t talk. I cannot PHYSICALLY talk. I want to talk and have a dream that one day I will. But i never will. I know for a fact that I’ll never be able to talk. My parents don’t believe in medicine so I will never get the help I need. Even if my depression is extremely bad they won’t care. I’m 14 and I’m messed up. If anybody needs someone to talk to, talk to me. I’m available 24/7. If I see someone I know and they heard me talk I’ll go into the worst panic attacks ever. And it’s even worse if someone had a video of me speaking. That’s why teachers hate me. They always offer to let me videotape my presentations but I can’t. That’s why I have really bad grades. I cannot let anyone have videotapes of me talking. I’ll literally die.
I can’t make any type of noise. No text to speech apps, nothing. I cannot function because of this. I’ve been like this since I’ve been 8-9. I don’t go to sleepover or parties. I don’t talk to friends and barely have any. And it sucks.
I used to go to therapy but it made things worse. I got nervous and would shake uncontrollably. I only felt comfortable with my close close friends, but not close enough to talk. I only comfortably talk to my family. I’ve had therapy but either it doesn’t work or my mom decides she doesn’t want to pay for it anymore. And yeah. This was nice to get out. I barely tell anyone this stuff. I feel better after getting this out of my chest.
Whenever I’m in a group, I always want to talk about random things that I love like conspiracies but no matter what I always feel like I’ll be judged for what I say so I just stay silent. It’s difficult.
I'm actually teaching my service dog in training sign(sign language) for when I can't speak. It's been a really big plus and I appreciate you making a video on this 💛💛💛
I was always called shy as a child, but never diagnosed or helped. In later years I would fail presentations and socratic seminars at school because I couldn’t get myself to talk and participate. It was agonizing and I used to SH to cope with the shame. Thank you for making this video. 🖤
I think it is important to note the difference between a “Verbal Shutdown” VS “Selective Mutism” before self-diagnosis: Selective Mutism usually is an anxiety disorder that starts before the age of 5 where the primary emotions are fear & anxiety & can be treated by CBT or behavioral therapy. Where as a Verbal Shutdown is a symptom during shutdown, meltdown, or moment of emotional distress. The primary emotions of a verbal shutdown are exhaustion and overwhelm. And it’s usually that talking is too effortful. With that being said, it’s always good to talk to your doctor to get to the root cause before diagnosing yourself one way of the other
This was so helpful. I liked how he mentioned that it feels like it takes a lot of energy to talk when the muting is activated. I’m glad he identified this for me because It is so draining to talk when you are being questioned especially if you don’t want to be in the conversation. The invisible verbal barrier. I’ve experienced this for a long time and I remembered when I was a kid I did not speak at all outside of the house. I grew out of it, but it is definitely still prevalent. I DO NOT like group conversations. I hardly contribute. I feel much more comfortable one on one. That’s the best way to get to know me. An article I just read, which is how I came upon this term explained that even being in public and not wanting others to hear what you have to say is another example of selective muting. I experience that. I do this because I’m very conscientious about word choices. It feels similar to disassociation and being present at the same time. Reverting inward. It feels like self preservation sometimes. Other times it feels like being misunderstood in that shut down mode. If I am in this state for long periods of time I definitely start to feel like my identity is slipping away from not feeling comfortable enough to share.
Wow I didn't realise I had this, the larger the group of people the more I just listen and say nothing. If I do say something I feel like no one heard me. I didn't go to a friend's wedding cos she was the only person I knew. Bingley, Yorkshire
I never thought I had this but looking back it makes a lot of sense. I never ordered my own food going out to eat and refused to do so. The closest I've come is telling my family (or who I'm with) what I want in front of the waiter because I can't tell them directly. I never talked to my teachers,classmate, never talked to strangers. I've met all of my friends because they always talked to me first and kept talking to me. I never talk in group settings even if I have several friends in the group and know a lot about what they are talking about. And when my friends introduce me to people I just kinda stand there not being able to say anything. I discribed it once like being trapped underwater and unable to speak. You want to say something but you just cannot get it out. Funny enough I knew my best friend was selectively mute cause he did the same things I did and never put two and two together
Thank you for covering this important topic! I was abused as a child and could not tell anyone because I would find myself unable to speak. I have an autistic friend that was raped in college and could not speak for herself. These are extreme examples but show just how critical it is to raise awareness so that we can spot the symptoms in ourselves and others, particularly in children.
Could not knowing what to say or talk about in a scary group situation be selective mutism? Like, it's not that I can't communicate at all, but my mind goes blank and I have no ideas for what to say... I also feel withdrawn and like I don't wanna talk, although I feel like I should for social reasons.
Its definitely a possibility yes.. Selective mutism can come in several levels, some worse than others. I had it very bad at first, only talked to my mum, dad and my sister. Not even grandparents. However now, 17 years later, i only struggle in group situations. I have a very big problems knowing what to say and when to interrupt the conversation, feeling like i never get my chance to say anything. However, normally you really WANT to talk.
@@kristinejensen5701 what makes things worse for me is when I do have something to say, I try to force myself to say it in a timely manner but its like they don't hear you and others just keep talking over you so you end up feeling ignored.
@@vice2versa yeah, thats a big problem for me too. Often I am about so say something but its as if im too slow, and everyone else just continue the conversation. And also it feels bad to just interrupt everyone else, so you're kinda stuck..
I still have to wait for 1.5 looooong weeks until I get my diagnosis (suspected ADHD with lots of authistic traits), but this is só me! I want to talk about stuff, but never find the right moment or just don't know what to talk about. Or others are talking about stuff and I'm in my mind like: "why is this interesting?" Or I'm just plainly sidetracked.
I've always had a problem with this! Whenever I find myself in an anxiety situation I go completely mute and I'm unable to talk even if I wanted to Depending on how much anxiety the situation causes it can go from a few minutes to a couple of hours I never considered having selective mutism I just thought I'm extremely shy This makes so much more sense!
There are times when I am in a stressful situation where I will just shut down and not want to talk to anyone. After some time, I will come out of it and can talk again.
Thanks for this video, I’m watching from South Wales :D Ive always been labelled as ‘shy’ but growing up I had a real fear and lack of understanding on how to communicate. I’ve found I’m much more capable of conversing with 1 person but multiple people I just get a sense of being lost and unable to contribute, and this is where I’ll find any excuse to get away haha.
This is exactly the same as me, although with multiple people it has improved a little, although I won't be leading the conversation apart from if it's about something I'm interested in
I have Selective Mutism! It’ll never go away, but I came here to encourage people. I used to never speak, to ANYONE. Only the people who live in my house. I never raised my hand in class, and I actually still don’t. I’m still trying to get through it but I’ve come a long way! 😁 My parents put me in therapy, and a nice woman named Megan worked with me. I started in 3rd grade, and stopped in 6th. She helped me so much, but she couldn’t unless I had the drive in me to speak. I really did, I wanted to tell my friends about my pets, about ME. But they only knew me as the shy girl who actually had a good heart if you had a lot of patience, and took the time to get to know me. But I wanted to be more than that. I set goals for myself, and the drive in me was so strong that I reached them! I used to talk in what my parents the “church mouse voice”. I didn’t want to whisper, but I was too afraid to speak normally, so it sorta came out as a squeak. Now I can speak normally to ANYONE! I love meeting new people now, and my secret is perseverance, friends who won’t give up on you, and a bit of a push. I’m in 8th grade now, and my friends never gave up on me, and always stuck by my side. Never give up and I know you can do it! Anyone can!
Hey thank yo so much for the words of advice and help to the community!! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Selective mutism is a big issue for me. Silence seems to be a sucker punch for any kind of friendship or relationship. It can be very isolating. I have very few friends. Autism is at times mentally exhausting. Sometimes it's the situation sometimes it's just the person.
I live and I'm watching from Greece 🇬🇷 but I'm from the UK originally🇬🇧. Watching your videos helps me understand more what is going on inside the wonderful mind of my 3 year old. Thank you so much 😊
I hate having selective mutism as a hispanic dude because I struggle to reply back and people then talk to me in spanish thinking I probably struggle to speak english
i had no idea this was an actual diagnosis. it always happens to me thats why i barley have any friends because sometimes i legit just cant talk even if i want to.
I have never heard of this, but I really feel I have it. I can talk to family members with no issues, but if I am out, I find it hard to initiate a conversation and often feel more comfortable if someone talks to me first. I always thought of it as a block, as I would sometimes know what to say, but wasn't able to say it and at times it would make my mind go blank and I wouldn't know what to say at all. I don't really get nervous when I am in that situation that much, I used to, but I find it makes social situations for me a little difficult. Sometimes I don't have a lot of issues, but other times I feel its really an issue and it can leave me with an uncomfortable feeling for a while. I love photography and I live in Northern Ireland and people here are normally friendly and would say hello to you when you pass them walking somewhere, even if they don't know you to just be friendly. I can do that fine and have no real issues with it. However, I love photography and any chances I get, I like to take my camera and tripod out with me to take photos somewhere. This often leads to people coming up to me, asking about my camera or commenting about the area we are in, either that or someone's dog would come up to me and the dogs owner would talk to me. Not that I have a problem with people doing that, but I often can't get the words out or know what to say to them and it ends up feeling kind of awkward.
I was in a social situation once where i was silent for most of the gathering. When i finally said something brief.......everyone burst out laughing. I have no idea what was so funny. Needless to say........i avoid simular situations now. Social gatherings are not mandatory. If you don't like them, avoid them.
Before I learned I was autistic I just thought I was stupid, literally dumb because I could talk to Almost anybody 1 on 1 about all sorts of my interests as long as there is no emotional connect or personal conflict. As soon as my brain decides this is important I can Not Speak. Relationships are the hardest. And my mother... Cheers !
watching from the netherlands (: i so can relate to this. when i'm with people i don't really know well i tend to just shut down. 2 years ago (when i wasn't diagnosed yet) i did a journalism study and every week we would have a debate with our class, people always told me to give my opinion and speak up, but i just couldn't. it was really hard. new people, people i don't know that well yet, groups of people, i just can't properly communicate with them. thank you for making these videos, it helps a lot!!
@@xxgkmc5979 I was diagnosed at 2. I had psychologists throughout my school years to cope with stress. It's like automatically when I don't feel like talking, but have to talk.
Telaya Jackson 2.0 I can definitely relate. I haven't been diagnosed yet but it's literally so scary talking with people especially in social situations where everyone is blabing away
I'm still struggling with whether I have autistic traits or dealing with CPTSD. There were times in my youth where I went completely non-verbal in social settings, or when feeling certain emotions. While a lot of practice and therapy have helped this immensely, there are still times when an anxiety builds up in me, and it's a literal struggle just to form coherent words in my mind, much less force them out, one at a time.
i never knew what selective mutism was until someone said michael myers has it and i started researching it more and the way you’re describing your experience is exactly the same with mine and i always figured i was just really quiet and uncomfortable and i thought it stemmed from this person who i won’t go into detail about but he always told me “don’t speak unless your spoken to.” i could not speak in groups at school and it really affected my grades and i can’t even talk to my family anymore, i also have trouble with jobs because i’m “too quiet” and people terrify me 🤣 this has been going on for years and i was trying to find a therapist for other issues but i was thinking like would i even be able to talk to them? i don’t really have access to one rn but i just wanna know wtf is going on with me lmao
I get severe social anxiety and go mute at times, but usually push through it to avoid conflict. First I’ll not reply and just make vague hand gestures or smile or something, but if they try to confront me I’ll completely shut down. Sometimes, I don’t want people to think im rude so I force myself to say something, but it comes out jumbled and impossible to follow which is pretty humiliating. It’s like trying to talk when you’re half asleep or something? But also you’re in high alert, like my brain is on fire just totally overwhelmed
I am watching from the middle of Germany :) And yeah this is SO relatable! I was invited to a birthday party in January. So I knew the girl 'cause she's my friend. My best friend was also with me. But there were some people I didn't know, so the whole evening went by without me saying any word because I simply couldn't... My best friend also told me afterwards that I was rocking a lot. This kind of thing where I am simply not able to talk also happens a lot when I am at work or when I wanna ask someone something. I simply can't and it's really frustrating from time to time because I just end up not saying or asking anything. Glad it didn't happen while talking on your discord server though. I really do enjoy writing and talking on there (even though I was super nervous the first time). So thank you for making this server it's super helpful! :)
[This comment ended up being far longer than intended! Congrats to any poor soul who makes it to the end 😅] It's so refreshing to see somebody talking about this without it all being based around children! I've had severe SM for 18 years (stopped speaking at 3, apparently), went through so many awful experiences of therapies which just caused more damage, leading me to being mute in all situations other than at home with immediate family members. To my relief, my parents eventually gave up along with all the therapists/CAMHS etc and I went into deep denial for almost 10 years... I had lost hope by 12 and things got really bad between 17-20, particularly as I realised there just didn't seem to be any other adults who experienced the same as I did, much less other guys too - I felt humiliated by the label because everything I saw would say the same old 'childhood disorder, will grow out of it'. About 3 months ago I finally realised I couldn't keep living like this, started counselling (with no intention of tackling the SM - I went for other reasons) and gradually realised this was something I really wanted to work on, and thankfully I have had the most fantastic counsellor figuring out all of this with me. It's been one of the most difficult processes I've ever been though but today I let my counsellor hear my voice. I'm still struggling to process it and there's a long way to go yet but hell I have never felt such hope before. I guess the most important thing I want to say is if you have a kid who has SM, let them lead the way. Don't force therapy on a kid who clearly doesn't want it. That's how I lost trust in absolutely everybody, especially my parents, and that's why I went into denial and said I was happy not talking even though I wasn't - I just wanted these awful people to leave me alone (granted I don't know how treatment is these days, hopefully it's improved!). We figure this stuff out when we're ready and when we have the determination and support to stick with it ☺️
I’m just learning this a thing. I’ve tried so many times to explain to those close to me what is happening. I literally feel trapped inside my body, my mind is there and having the conversation and absolutely can not for the life of me open my mouth and join in. For me I desperately want to join in and physically can’t, I am scheduled for an assessment for ADHD and I also believe I may be on the autism spectrum as well. Social anxiety is so prevelant for me, but also many ADHD symptoms. Such an inner battle, so thankful to have found your channel.
Thanks for this, it's just confirmed that I really did have selective mutism all the way through to my teens. My family were brutal about it like I was being obstinate or rude. I remember my mum being so angry our GP asked if I had learning issues at 15 because I couldn't speak to him. The worst was 20mins of being yelled at by a drunk relative at 18 because I wouldn't (couldn't) respond to them in a room full of now awkward silent friends of theirs 😬 I just had to physically leave the room in the end. I don't know about growing out of it but I think you get to avoid or manipulate your life to a greater extent to put yourself in less stressful situations. That said I do often not want to talk or find the sound of my voice off putting in social situations but it's very distinct from the very physical NOPE I had as a kid. My son was the same and we both made animal noises at times to get around it... my family used to tell me I'm not a Guinea pig! I'd be really interested if the animal noise thing is common???
My 7 yr old daughters has aspergers and I have social anxiety, this totally explains her and I when We are out in public! I’ve really struggled with this big time lately. My anxiety is horrible and taking over. My daughter freezes up as well, this has helped me understand her a bit more and realize we both have that trait. I don’t have autism but my hubby is undiagnosed aspergers as well as his father who is a musical genius. It’s definitely in the family so your videos telling it from an adult perspective helps me understand it more. Thank you!
Regarding a shift in communication ability as we age, I think its related to the 'familiar' factor. In my tech career I've had to communicate different topics with hundreds of customers. Once I'm familiar with a topic and have chances to practice it, the selective mutism does get better. One on one conversations, especially a phone call works best for me. I know for my own self being in groups larger than 10 is particularly overwhelming. I recently attended a local business event, not realizing there would be a couple hundred other attendees. I managed to stick around during the near 2 hour event but felt suffocated, anxious, barely able to contol the muscle jitters, unable to speak and in a mental fog. It took several days of isolation and down time to climb back out of that mental tar pit. Years ago when these things happened I had no idea, no correlation to why I preferred to be by myself and why I would freeze up. It limited my life in so many ways in those days, some still to this day. However, as we age it really DOES get better with knowledge and understanding (and practice!). Many thanks to the ASP community and their efforts to spread awareness. Keep up the good works! 👯♀️🤗
My 12 year old has selective mutism. It's been a struggle. I never realized that I had it too until recently. I thought I was just painfully shy. I could not talk to people that I didn't already know. When I moved out of the house to a completely different city at age 18, I thought to myself "This "shyness" is getting me nowhere. Nobody knows me here. No preconceived notions of my shyness. I have to change this." It was tough. I would force myself to speak and just blurt out whatever words came to mind. At first it almost felt like an out of body experience. It felt like I was just listening to someone else speak when I blurted out words. It was awkward, but I kept it up. Now I can talk to anyone, anywhere at anytime, and I do it in line at the grocery store or just walking down the street to any random stranger. (My husband who has known me since I was 16 says that I'm making up for lost time. 😄) However, if I get into a social situation where I feel like I'm expected to mingle, I clam up and can't talk! I just want to go home.
I was well into my 50s before I understood I had Asperger's. Many of my issues are very deeply entrenched. Selective Mutism has been a part of my reality for so long it's hard to imagine any real treatment. Now I have learned along the way to mask and rehearse and perform my way through most situations without incident. I have also learned to avoid situations that trigger issues such as Selective Mutism. It will still catch me in certain situations because the root cause is anxiety and anxiety is not something I cannot easily 'logic' my way out of in real time. For the majority of my life I thought I was defective or insane. I spent a great deal of energy covering up for my deficits and fitting in as best I could. I thought maybe if I learned enough that I might eventually grow out of it. I at least have a better understanding now of what is behind my difficulties. Where the patterns of my deficits made no sense to me for the majority of my life, I see now others with virtually the same issues. That's a comfort but not a cure. I am grateful to a number RUclips channels from people that experience these issues first hand and can talk about them in ways that I understand. That has been immensely helpful.
Hi Dan! Today is July 19, 2023. I live in south central Texas. This subject brought up a distant memory from my childhood. I’m in my 70s and not diagnosed with autism or ADHD but have children and grandchildren with one or the other. My parents told me that I stopped talking around 2 yrs while my father was deployed during the Korean War. I was told that I slowly started talking after his return. Thank you for exploring this topic.
I'm selectively mute, and in 7-8th grade, the "popular" kids decided it would be fun to try and talk to me so I would freeze up and act like a "freak" so they could laugh at me
From Canada, I learned I had autism at age 40, less than a year ago, and I struggle in social situation (but I work in public, go figure) and with isolation. It helps me while I try to understand myself better to watch people like you sharing their experiences, thank you.
I don’t know why but I feel this “blockage” to talk in most social situations I never knew about selective mutism. I have got a social anxiety and Dan you really do help me out by doing these videos (Asperger videos, selective mutism) THANK YOU so much for doing your videos.KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK😆😁✌️
I have selective mutism due to my anxiety and oh my gosh people have been so rude about it, in secondary school (no idea what the American equivalent is but it’s for age 11-16) my entire maths class started laughing and asking me why I couldn’t speak as soon as the teacher left the room, I had a couple friends who stood up for me (context- I was having a bad anxiety day and my SM was really acting up and usually I could force myself to say answers to questions despite it being rlly hard to but it was just too bad so my friend told the teacher but the entire class heard) and me and one of my friends in the class actually learnt sign language so I could communicate to her. That memory from the maths class has stuck with me all my life and made me try my best to not tell people about my SM in case they laugh. The moral of this for me is basically that kids are evil little so and sos who have no empathy!
Victoria, Australia, mate. My mutism is also to do with inability to talk to people I feel unsafe around, or I do not trust. Other times, my brain works a zillion times faster than my mouth, so sometimes, I just clam up.
I appreciate that you made a video on selective mutism, which I think is something often invisible or overlooked. I had selective mutism that developed when I was 17 and went off to college (USA), and it lasted until I was about 21 years old. I could only talk to a handful of people. And it was humiliating in this four year series of classes I had to take with a small cohort, where I was expected to speak, but my brain was totally blank when it came it speech, like a lizard brain is how I think of it. Sometimes I would go an entire month without speaking one word to anyone. I did benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy, including group therapy, an SSRI and a lot of hard work. I am 31 and sometimes have this come up again in specific situations, but now I’m more likely to tell people I can’t think of words, and people are more understanding. Nobody told me it was selective mutism, and nobody ever guessed that I was autistic, instead I was treated for social phobia. But for anyone that has selective mutism and thinks the situation is hopeless, I would say at least give therapy a try if you can access that, because it could change your life if it works. I frequently do public speaking now as part of my job, something I was incapable of 10 years ago.
I have struggled with this for so long... I have been diagnosed with autism and anxiety recently. It's funny that the word "selective mutism" never came up when it just SO ACCURATELY describes my life. Sometimes, when someone asks a quite important or 'personal' question, my heart just pounces and I get almost physically unable to say the words I want. I'll just mumble a low dry "i don't know" while I start getting a headache from all the thoughts that fuse through my head. I sometimes spend a few dozen of minutes standing awkwardly on entrance doors because I can't get myself to confrount someone. I never ever asked to pee in class or getting water or sick-bay, anything that would attract some attention. Just swallow it up and suffer on your littl butt till the end of class, girl. Funnily enough though, I never feared participating in class (oh i still was quiet), because it's just about giving answers that are EXPECTED of you, you know. Today, I am too scared of handling administrative business, my parents need to help me with that. I once lost my purse with my train tickets and my money (no actually twice! yeah because OF COURSE i have to be a dumb awkward lost distracted poop all the time, I lose items so often i suspect i could have some ADD). With no phone. Well what did I do? I waited for two hours outside in the fcking winter cold, trying to make plans to go home by foot (2h walking) because I could not go to TALK to a controller TO ASK FOR HELP. I always thought I was "shy" and "introverted" and "quiet" I have developped a very very low self-esteem because of all of this... Because of the ceasless self-critique that's been going on in my mind for all those years. I get these feelings that everyone is secretly hating on me and judging me, that I am profoundly inferior to everyone, it gets a bit paranoid sometimes. Eh. It's a properly annoying and painful thing to live.
I have the same problems with social situations. I will avoid at all costs so I don’t have to experience all these emotions. What has helped you, deal with this disorder? I’m worried about paranoia after so much negative self talk
I feel the same way as you, you said you feel like everyone is judging you and secretly hating on you and for me i'm the same way. Especially at work. I work in a restaurant but its such a small space and there are so many people crowded around me especially on the busy days and sometimes I feel like people are talking about me right in front of me, i know it's just me being paranoid but sometimes i can't help feeling that way. And I feel like I am supposed to speak up and be a part of conversations so when I'm unable to do so I get really down on myself. I think I also have a low self-esteem from all of the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I want to change but it's hard.
You hit the sweet spot again with this issue, Dan! Another great vid! I have selective mutism in spades! I was always called 'over-quiet' at school and - at school, at work, social situations, at church - I hated/hate situations where people say: 'split up into groups' for a discussion or a group activity! What made/makes it worse for me was/is when people think it is smart to turn round to me and remark 'You're awful quiet, there - - - - -!' and, in an accusatory manner, 'You're distant! What's up with you? What's the face for?' Even when people come to visit, I wanted to go upstairs into my room and out of the way. The reasons for the past/present tense is that I still suffer. My brain either freezes or the words/expressions become constipated/in a logjam … then I get so stressed and anxious, I give up and go into my shell. I had worked out some coping mechanisms over the years before I was diagnosed but, when I had a pretty awful autism burn out a few years ago, those coping mechanisms were effectively 'wiped' like a malfunctioning computer. I wish you and those you hold dear Peace and All Good!
Was wondering your opinion, noticed you said you can grow out of select mutism... Can you grow into it as well? Like not have issues with it as a kid but having it as an adult. I was a shy kid, but didnt experience muteism issues til i was an adult
I am watching from the Arcadia area of Phoenix, Arizona in the middle of the Sonoran Desert of the American southwest. My daughter was diagnosed with Selective Mutism 19 years ago when she was almost three years old, and went to a top Autism Research Doctor in Scottsdale, Arizona. She still has all of the problems that you spoke of in this video. Great Channel!
I grew out of selective mutism. I'm 31, and I struggled through my first 7 years at school. In kindergarden They just thought I was a bit late, but at school it felt like a big physical barrier in my mouth and head. Not quite sure why I started talking more, maybe people started to not care if I talked or not. I work today where I need to verbally communicate, and I struggle. I'm actually just one month before a new job, cuz I cannot work were I work now. I really struggle to talk, and not understand the social codes is wearing me out...
I totally understand how you feel about freezing up around gatherings involving heated discussion or multi-person banter. The more people there are in my vicinity, the harder it is for me to sift through the bombardment of stimulus and locate my own voice. Thank you again Dan for another helpful video!
I've tried to survive it for 8 years 😥. Get depressed really often and makes me sad n angry everyday 😭😩 But, actually I am a good student in class. Top at science and math, which make me feel a little bit happy. I don't care if someone talking shit about me, there will be time when I'm going to step on their pride :)
Thank you for this video, nothing else explained selective mutism this well! I’m Autistic and semi-nonverbal, but you’re the first person to properly explain the difference between selective mutism and being semi-nonverbal! Thank you so much!!!
Before the video: I recently went to a friend's going-away party and spent most of the time just thinking to myself. Granted, I hadn't talked to the majority of the people there in over two years (I saw the friend once--the first time in two years--a couple of weeks prior), and couldn't follow their conversations (given that they required context I didn't have). I talked to four people with some regulatiry (primarily those I talked with most before the two year gap). Otherwise, "mute" is an apt description of my behaviour (I think). Edit: Note that I tried to enter the conversation "rings" whenever possible (I wanted to test my limits at this party), but I didn't talk. After the video: I guess I should bring it up when I go to get my referrral & diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with it when I was 3 after my parents were concerned of my social skills.The following year I started school at 4. I wouldn't talk to anyone directly. But that year I made a friend (who is very chatty) I would only whisper to in people's ears to communicate even to my friend and she would shout out what I said so everyone could hear properly. Until the second year (Year 1) I would start screaming at break and lunch time and everyone would be amazed as they hadn't heard my actual voice before and that is the closest I got. Then halfway through the year I eventually began talking properly but I didn't like putting my hand up. But at home I was fine. Even though Me and my parents are the only ones living in this country and I have no siblings. My parents stopped living together shortly before or after I was diagnosed. I went to go live with my mum and went to my dad's every weekend or so and made friends with my neighbours who also went to the same school as me.Everytime someone rang the doorbell unless I knew them I would run and hide and not come out until they left. But on my own I found out that I loved art, Architecture and stories and to this day I want to be an architect when I grow up since I like to do interior design of houses and write stories, draw and listen to music and eventually started playing the violin. Since then I have really come out of my shell a lot more but I am still shy. At school I only talk when necessary but with my friends a lot more. I still don't put up my hand to share something personal or my opinion. Only when I know the answer. Or if I have a question. I've grown into an Introvert but since I'm used to being alone I learnt to like it so I didn't develope loneliness or depression. School really did help me like my violin lessons, choir, clubs etc. And now the internet as well. Even though still have much anxiety to certain things like when speaking out Infront of people like on stage. I'm now will be 14 in May and I hope that I get a lot more confident and I know that it will take time. And this comment is the first time I shared something this personal. I only was told about that I had this a few months ago and all these years I thought I was so shy.
I can definitely relate to this when I think back to my teenage years and early adulthood: the weird thing is, it changed by itself, to the point where I can work as a teacher and even have to stop myself from talking too much instead of encouraging my students to do most of the talking. There are still some social situations that make me anxious to the point where it gets hard to talk, but they've dwindled to a minimum, and I no longer feel compelled to communicate most of my more complex feelings via elaborate letters.
Heyy!! You are so welcome! Reach out with any questions :). Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
I have selective mutism as a result of ASD, PTSD, and dissociative and psychotic disorders. Few situations I love socializing in, but there are some where being expected to talk can send me straight into a meltdown or episode. I have to be excessively careful about what social situations I involve myself in as a result
I really love your videos~ You make them really interesting and helpful by explaining everything very simply Watching you from Russia:) Love your accent btw:)
I'm in Western Washington State, USA. I'm just finding out there's a name for what I have! There are some people I can't talk to. I don't know why, I just can't speak. I've known I was different from birth, I'm only now getting some real help from video's like yours. I'm a female with autism that masks fairly successfully. I'm in my seventh decade. I do not talk any pharma drugs, they always end up hurting me. Thanks you so much for your video series. I wish the "Professionals" in the US were up on this. Sadly I've been to more professionals than you can shake a stick at, and no one caught on to the masking! THANK YOU!!!
Watching from Northern Colorado! I have always been this way. If I'm in company with anybody else, I always allow them to speak for me if I can, and keep silent. Sometimes if I'm called upon to speak, I literally can't get the words out, as though they were stuck in the back of my mouth. Once, I even had to hand a phone to another person at work, because I couldn't even get "How can I help you?" out. When my mother started making me order my own food at restaurants, that was REALLY traumatic!
Selective Mutism is hard. For me it goes like this. You can't explain what is going on because you are experiencing it. You find yourself in a cage where you can't ask for help because, well, you have selective mutism and you don't want to seek therapy because of the anxiety of sitting in a therapy session dead silent and unable to interact. You then find ways to try and seem ok, which usually results in lots of smiling, nodding and learnt phrases to try and take focus off yourself and then trying to just get out of situation as soon as I can. The weird thing is, give me a pen or keyboard and I can respond perfectly. Add the physical see, hear, speak and I get stuck.
When I was in my early adulthood I experienced this in a very profound way. It caused me to not be able to respond at all when I really would have liked to. I have trouble with small talk and other talking at times. I can feel drained trying to figure out responses online also. I believe I can improve just as I have overcame not being able to respond at all over time and with therapy I did on myself to be more assertive.
I'm watching from my couch in Fremont Nebraska USA. (small town in the Midwest). But I do have selective mutism. I appreciate your videos so so much. Especially because it can be hard for me to explain my autism to others, but I pull up your videos and show them, which helps them understand what I'm actually trying to say or express what I am and do struggle with. Your videos definitely have helped and continue to help me with my partner who is still trying to learn and understand how best to help me or understand what I might be dealing with now or have been struggling with but can't fully explain in a way he can actually understand. So, thank you so much, you're videos are extremely helpful to me and also reassure me that I'm not alone.
Stress and anxiety causes mine, I don’t know what to do. I feel so out of place, I nearly end up in the corner of the room. The last time it happened was when we were at a family get together. I ended up leaving and sitting in the car till the rest of the family were ready to go home.
I have aspergers and adhd, but I've never been diagnosed with selective mutism, so I'm not too sure of what it is happening, but here's my experience: In a group, the biggest the worse it is, also it's worse with new people or if there's a lot of stimuli. Like the part of my brain that I need to access in order to use my social skills is no longer available, it's like trying to access the right memory, but staring into really deep fog instead. But I can still participate physically, like enjoying the food. If someone talks to me, I can talk back, as they usually carry the conversation for me. The second instance is if I try to push through a conversation that feels too hard (like I'm trying to talk about my grandmother dying to my therapist). Then I just plain freeze, in addition of going mute, I can't even make eye contact or acknowledge their presence, trying to snap out of it feels like I'm trying to to pull a car on neutral. Anyway, unpleasant.
I’m watching from Mexico! I’ve learned a lot from you, thank you. Also, I want to say something that is going to come across as annoying, but it comes from a place of positive criticism and being a fan of this channel. Thing is calls to action are becoming a little bit distracting and overwhelming, maybe tone them down a bit.
Thiis is ME!! I stumbled upon Your channel as I was researching for my eight year old sons possible Asperger’s diagnoses. The more I listen the more I realize that I probably have it as well, and MA master masker, at 44 years old… have lost my identity… as for explaining my experience of “selective mutism”..I always explain as almost a paralysis that takes over my body and I cannot sync or speak properly
I’ve been fortunate enough to be quite a sociable person. However I have found throughout my life that sometimes I go to speak and I physically can’t get the word out. It’s not like a stutter it’s almost like a physical barrier stopping me from talking. This mostly happens in new environments or job interviews. I find what helps is either talking a pause to take a deep breath or having a safe word that you say that then allows you to start talking again.
I was called stuck up and weird for this most my life. I am not diagnosed but Im starting to look into it more cause I relate so much with these videos. I go mute when Im too overwhelmed emotionally. When Im in a group of friend or with his family I still get times when I barley get a word in eventough I have known them for years and I dont know why, this could be it. When people are too talkative and do alot of small talk it draines me out just to be in their presence. Also what is confusing is that I may be talking to someone for hour today and tomorrow I cant even say hi or goodmorning, thats why people find me weird.
Thank you for this. I’m learning something new everyday about my husbands autism. We recently went on a cruise. We don’t sit with other people. Mainly because I’m mostly deaf but I hear out of one ear with the help of a digital aid and my husband never talks. So I’m afraid I’ll miss what people say and he just doesn’t talk. So it can be quite lonely. We met up with my dad and his wife before boarding the ship and my husband got up to go to the bathroom ( at the restaurant) and my dad asked,” How do I get him to talk?” I honestly didn’t think it was going to be an issue since my dad talks a lot! Lol I suddenly felt very defensive and sorry my husband. I says dad he can’t help it. Just talk to him, he’s a good listener and when he has something to say - he’ll say it. But ohhhh how I would love to have a long conversation with my husband. It feels hopeless.
What I experience is excitement to talk in certain situations and the inability to get my word in. I will try to jump in at pauses or when I can (often involves a short interruption of the end of a sentence), but I find other people in the Zoom call overpower me and talk over my attempt to talk. A bunch of people get to talk by overpowering me and I end up just shutting up. This contributes to an intense imposter syndrome where I feel like my opinion isn't wanted or important. I wonder what's the best way to handle Zoom based meetings where there are often a lot of stronger personalities to take over the conversation?
I had this from elementary all the way up until high school. I really wish my mom would have taken me to therapy but she's one of those people that doesn't believe in mental illness.
I have this and when I'm only having to deal with talking to one person I tried this once when I met my phyciatrist for my evaluation is that I told him I was having a hard time to speak because I was nervous and then I took a deep breath and gave myself permission to gather my thoughts and say what I wanted to. I know it's not always as easy but that time it worked.
I once saw a film called The Piano. I don't recall all the details, but it was about a woman who, as a child, suddenly chose not to speak anymore at all. She recounts her own story of how she lost the motivation to speak, even though there was no discernable cause. However, she loved the piano and expressed herself incredibly beautifully through her music. She learned sign language and raised her daughter (who spoke normally) with it as her first language. As she grew up, the daughter would often interpret for her mother. At the end of the film, the mother decides to slowly start speaking again. I'm not sure it was clearly explained why she had stopped speaking in the first place, and what made her want to start again after so long. Is this sort of thing common in selective mutism? Can sign language be a bridge to facilitate communication? What alternative ways, such as art, do selectively mute people choose to express themselves?
I think I have selective mutism. But my doctor said I just have severe social anxiety and shyness. And that I don’t have a “mutism”. I don’t think he knows what selective mutism is, because isn’t it a form of social anxiety? It’s very frustrating, because I don’t think I’m just “shy”.
Watching from Los Angeles.i have a 20 year old severe, on the spectrum. My 5 year old was recently diagnosed high functioning. When my 5 year old was diagnosed ...I realized my 16 year old is not shy, she's autistic. she's an aspie. Her Dx was confirmed last month. ...So I finally realized, I'm an aspie. Thank you for all the videos you have helped my family a lot.🥰
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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA
I'm enjoying your amazing content from America, near the coast! Honestly, I'm so glad I watched this video, because I think I've been misusing the term "Selective Mutism".. Oops....
Well, thanks so much, the video was very informative, looking forward to more amazing content, keep up the great work!😊❤️
I’m watching from the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. I have many friends and family members with ASD. My best friend was diagnosed as an Aspie under the DSM-4. I also have a child and a nephew with varying degrees of Autistic traits.
How do I follow you on Instagram and what exactly does that mean?
Southern Illinois USA here.
I'm pretty sure I have selective mutism. I almost never talk socially. A problem I often have is that I'll be with a group of people and I'll have something to say but there never seems to be spot between other people talking when I can talk, and the conversation changes topic before I get to say anything. Also, I once told someone that I was selective mute and he told me I needed to just unmute, as if that were a thing I could actually do.
Wow I relate to this so much. Like everyone will be talking and I can't find the right time to speak up and then all of a sudden the conversation has switched over to something totally different.
@@LuckyGirlsTown and for the new topic I have nothing to say, so I don't get to talk at all. I often feel like I'm not included or valued as much because I can't always participate verbally.
I can relate to much T-T
@Carolyn Baumgras I relate to this a lot. I often find myself trying to find the right time to talk especially when I'm in a big group. Then there's always the one person who says "why are you so quiet" and then you feel even more awkward.
@@Ctrees904 Ouch. I do have selective mutism and I feel this so much. I spent a lot of time in my life feeling like I was always on the outside of the group unable to really break the barriers for very similar reasons to what you described. I'm about to turn 31 and my best advice to you is to share this intimate piece of yourself with the people who matter the most to you. If they really love and care for you they will be happy to make communication accommodations for you such as allowing you a moment to type what you'd like to say out on your phone or writing it down on paper, or simply paying closer attention to physical cues and eye contact with you that would let them know that you want to participate in the conversation and you have something to say, you just need an extra moment or two to get it out. My most recent ex and I even learned some sign language together for situations where writing something down is just not practical. (things like help, please! If I'm in the kitchen and need an extra pair of hands, or "i'm overwhelmed" so they would know to take charge of verbal interactions while were in public.) I find this also makes me feel more confident because people probably just assume i'm deaf (I actually am almost totally deaf in one ear, but thats aside from the point) which leads me to another recommendation of considering learning some sign language and participating in deaf communities. I wish you well. Mutism is a really frustrating thing to deal with, but it is certainly something that with some patience from your loved ones and some creativity on everyone's parts, can be worked around.
I have selective mutism. I NEVER raised my hand in class because I was always afraid I would sound not neurotypical. I thought I was just overly shy all the time, and so did my parents, and their idea was to put me into MORE social situations as practices. Like forcing me to make their business phone calls to practice talking without writing it down.
Saffyrix My mom thinks that I don’t talk in certain social situations because either I don’t like the person we’re in a social situation with, I’m just being non-polite, or I just don’t like talking. She always yells at me because of that and acts like it’s my fault. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to tell her I’m probably in the spectrum and I need a psychologist
@@uch_a4483 Same here! I understand where you're coming from. I know this comment is 5 months old, but how I convinced my mother to finally go see one was by telling my family doctor. They usually will recommend your guardian for someone to see, and if your guardians are non-believers of that stuff, (like mine) they will usually listen to the family doctor since they "believe" and have "more trust" in them.
@@uch_a4483 same with me, but I don't know if I'm on the spectrum, have selective mutism, or just have bad social anxiety. Like when I try talking to most people I freeze up and I completely forget what to say. I'm too scared to tell my parents though since they don't take too kindly to mental illnesses.
Saffyrix i don’t have trouble like this in class because of my nature (i just blurt things out in class) but i really have selective mutism in situations like being unable to join in a conversation in a group and being unable to say it when i need help..
@@litchtheshinigami8936 Those are some of the hardest for me too! Stay strong.
A conversation often looks like a flow you just cannot enter. You make an effort - and stumble, and there's a rock under your foot, you slip, then just make a step aside and just watch the water flowing.
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I feel this
That is so accurate
.....yeah I definitely have selective mutism, like a lot of things have made me think I just might, between hearing others experiences with it, and hearing what it can look like in a person, but this hit the nail in the head for me, because the amount of times I have tricked entering a conversation feels like trying to swim in treacherous waters, I just can't keep up, or when it goes from being me and one other person talking, to someone else joining, it's like the flow has made it impossible for me to re-enter talking with that conversation, and so I just stop, unable to find a good place to put my voice back into the conversation-
I have been in tears from just how badly I wanted to be able to speak, and still being physically unable to, like I'm Sisyphus, pushing the invisible force up a hill just so I can speak again, but I keep slipping and can't make it untill the force disappears....
Thanks for this comment I needed it lol
I feel a physical blockage in my throught when I can't talk. I had just been saying that I become non verbal. I had NEVER considerd a muteism. This is hellpfull. :) thank you :)
ASD and Me watching from Ontario Canada, love your blog!
ASD and Me you are welcome!! Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
ASD and Me I call it semi verbal. Sometimes I can talk, but other times I can't.
ASD and Me BUT mutism and semi verbalism are technically different
Is it like a tight feeling????
I can’t physically get the words out and I freeze up. I have to write down what I want to say sometimes.
I literally write people pages and pages of letters sometimes.
Bruh i feel like I can relate to you 😪
+Bruh … I have always had selective mutism, but never knew what it was until I was late diagnosed with Autism/AS/PTSD/ADHD in 2015. It was 'mistaken' by my family, friends, workpeople as my being thick/ignorant/rude etc. and was persecuted because of it. I empathise with your situation. Like you, I prefer to write (sometimes pages and pages) and text than speak on the telephone/mobile. There is a stress and anxiety factor to this with me, too. I get tired, frustrated etc. because of it. You are not alone. Peace and All Good.
I write sometimes. If I'm really stressed, my brain spews out words in no particular order, or hides them from me, whichever, and I'm like, for instance, trying really hard to just...say the word...avocado, but it comes out armadillo, and then my brain's like, nope. That word's not in here, and I end up saying, "that oily thing. It's green." Because everybody can relate to that....
But if I'm writing it, it comes out fine.
I did this too, at school i got notes with hello, goodbye and a few basic questions that i could give my teacher. My parents reacted as soon as they noticed the change when they put me in day care at the age of 3, because i stopped talking to my grandparents too, so we were prepared way before school started.. can't imagine getting/having this when you're not a child, i grew mine off even though i still struggle with a lot of anxiety. I can experience the freeze-reaction in arguments with my boyfriend when my brain cant handle more arguing..
i feel awkward and getting too much attention when i write something
What if it is not fear based when you dont talk. I mean sometimes when I am quiet it is fear based, but sometimes its not and I just cant talk. I dont really react to much either. I just observe everything. I can say a few things but I dont really interact with the world around me. Its like I have been social for too many days so my brain is just like "ok, you need a break"
I can relate to that but I call it a shutdown because it's from too much social interaction
Honestly, I thought I was the only one..
Maybe just introverted?
EXACTLYYYY im always just watching from outside. I see everything happening and time passing me by but im never in it
@@starletd6819 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion it's quite different! :)
(sorry, I kinda get triggered by how isunderstood this concept is)
Have a wonderful, blessed day!
My friends "Why don't you talk to us? We didn't know you needed help!"
This explains so much for me. Sometimes I just can't.
Yeah for sure!! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I believe I have selective mutism. I often feel a blockage in my throat when my anxiety kicks in. I just can’t talk, I force myself and my voice comes out a whisper. I’ve always forced myself to speak, thus making my voice a whisper. My family have always been upset with me when I don’t talk but they also become upset when I speak and it comes out a whisper since they can’t hear me. I didn’t really realize this was a thing until now. I’m 22 and in college.
bro the same fucking shi is happening to me rn did it ever go away
@@vex3445 it’s improving but it still happens when I become anxious or when I’m speaking to someone new. I’ve become accustomed to just carrying a whiteboard with me.
@@theservicerose5949how have you been working on it and getting through it because I definitely have it I barley talk to my own family and friends it’s very depressing
Same it's horrible and people cant understand you 😢
@@Zkgod24 I have been improving it by starting with a person I felt the most comfortable with and has a history of not making me feel upset for my struggle to speak. From there I have gradually moved to one word answers/short phrases with the family I live with. They have a history of judgement and frustration when they can’t understand me. I’ve gotten to the point where I can have conversations with them without using my whiteboard but it’s taken a few years of slow buildup and raising my confidence
I've been wondering if I have selective mutism. There are definitely times in social situations where I withdraw and don't talk even if I feel I have something to say. In therapy, there were times I couldn't respond to a question. So I came up with the idea of taking my laptop with me and pulling up Word. From there I can type my answer out and type the commands to have the text read aloud by the computer. This has helped me to communicate to my therapist at times when I would otherwise go silent.
What a great/creative solution for your problem.
Yes! What a great idea. Writing helps a lot when I cannot speak
I have this problem still now
I relate to some of the symptoms of selective mutism but sometimes it's just outright refusal to talk because I don't see the point of doing so. But in any case, I still don't bother with communicating with strangers unless I'm finally desperate for information/help. I've once managed to ask for help while taking the subway in Japan, and my family was a little too impressed by it. The only time I'm capable of communicating to strangers is when I desperately need something. Otherwise, I stay quiet and try to figure things out on my own because not everyone has the right answers or information.
Had the same kind of situation ha ha
Same and it's a pain ordering stuff.
Good job.
This also sounds like me. I'd rather try to find my way by using a GPS.
What you are describing is not selective mutism.
This is 100 percent accurate. The more people in a group conversation multipliesthe difficulty to keep up and keep interest. 1 on 1 or 2 on 1 is tolerable but I tune out in large groups and try to keep up and make a comment once in awhile. Like our brain cant keep up with all the different voices and I literally feel like I'm falling asleep from the noise. Probably why people think we can be rude when in reality our brains aren't wired to keep up with group conversation unless its something we're really informed on and interested in.
Yeah!! Thank you! Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
I have the same difficulty. I think I'm overstimulated by the energies of the group. It's overwhelming.
@@TheAspieWorld i suferd thank you from iraq
Falling asleep from the noise....that. yes.
I learn more about myself from you than my Doctor lol. Watching from a suburb near Chicago.
Oh haha awesome!! Hey!! Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
I am watching from the southern part of Murfreesboro, Tennessee. I learn a lot of interesting things from you.
Kara A, unless your doctor has Aspergers, how can he/she know as much as Dan, he lives with it daily and no doctor can know more than someone born with it?
Kara A your not alone, I also learn more about myself from Dan than any professional
Have you ever gotten shot, Chicago people kill each other
I can relate to the points of selective mutism. I can communicate with people I'm comfortable with one on one but really any more people than that I find a quiet corner to keep to myself in until I can leave that situation. Even if it's a group of all people I am comfortable with I find myself shutting down.
I was diagnosed with selective mutism at age 12. Freaking sucks. Barely anybody understands what I go through. If anybody else is going through just know that I’m here! My SM has given me serious depression since I was always lonely. I couldn’t talk to anyone not even my own family about my feelings. Life sucks, but if you have one friend it can make everything better. I’m here for anyone that’s also going through a tough time!
I don’t talk in school or anywhere related to medical things. No doctors no dentists nothing. I talk at home in English and malls if nobody I know is there. If I see someone I know, I run away and don’t talk. I cannot PHYSICALLY talk. I want to talk and have a dream that one day I will. But i never will. I know for a fact that I’ll never be able to talk. My parents don’t believe in medicine so I will never get the help I need. Even if my depression is extremely bad they won’t care. I’m 14 and I’m messed up. If anybody needs someone to talk to, talk to me. I’m available 24/7. If I see someone I know and they heard me talk I’ll go into the worst panic attacks ever. And it’s even worse if someone had a video of me speaking. That’s why teachers hate me. They always offer to let me videotape my presentations but I can’t. That’s why I have really bad grades. I cannot let anyone have videotapes of me talking. I’ll literally die.
I can’t make any type of noise. No text to speech apps, nothing. I cannot function because of this. I’ve been like this since I’ve been 8-9. I don’t go to sleepover or parties. I don’t talk to friends and barely have any. And it sucks.
I used to go to therapy but it made things worse. I got nervous and would shake uncontrollably. I only felt comfortable with my close close friends, but not close enough to talk. I only comfortably talk to my family. I’ve had therapy but either it doesn’t work or my mom decides she doesn’t want to pay for it anymore. And yeah. This was nice to get out. I barely tell anyone this stuff. I feel better after getting this out of my chest.
Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
This is exactly the same as me
Whenever I’m in a group, I always want to talk about random things that I love like conspiracies but no matter what I always feel like I’ll be judged for what I say so I just stay silent. It’s difficult.
I'm actually teaching my service dog in training sign(sign language) for when I can't speak. It's been a really big plus and I appreciate you making a video on this 💛💛💛
I was always called shy as a child, but never diagnosed or helped. In later years I would fail presentations and socratic seminars at school because I couldn’t get myself to talk and participate. It was agonizing and I used to SH to cope with the shame. Thank you for making this video. 🖤
I think it is important to note the difference between a “Verbal Shutdown” VS “Selective Mutism” before self-diagnosis: Selective Mutism usually is an anxiety disorder that starts before the age of 5 where the primary emotions are fear & anxiety & can be treated by CBT or behavioral therapy. Where as a Verbal Shutdown is a symptom during shutdown, meltdown, or moment of emotional distress. The primary emotions of a verbal shutdown are exhaustion and overwhelm. And it’s usually that talking is too effortful.
With that being said, it’s always good to talk to your doctor to get to the root cause before diagnosing yourself one way of the other
This was so helpful. I liked how he mentioned that it feels like it takes a lot of energy to talk when the muting is activated. I’m glad he identified this for me because It is so draining to talk when you are being questioned especially if you don’t want to be in the conversation. The invisible verbal barrier. I’ve experienced this for a long time and I remembered when I was a kid I did not speak at all outside of the house. I grew out of it, but it is definitely still prevalent. I DO NOT like group conversations. I hardly contribute. I feel much more comfortable one on one. That’s the best way to get to know me. An article I just read, which is how I came upon this term explained that even being in public and not wanting others to hear what you have to say is another example of selective muting. I experience that. I do this because I’m very conscientious about word choices. It feels similar to disassociation and being present at the same time. Reverting inward. It feels like self preservation sometimes. Other times it feels like being misunderstood in that shut down mode. If I am in this state for long periods of time I definitely start to feel like my identity is slipping away from not feeling comfortable enough to share.
Wow I didn't realise I had this, the larger the group of people the more I just listen and say nothing. If I do say something I feel like no one heard me. I didn't go to a friend's wedding cos she was the only person I knew.
Bingley, Yorkshire
Rob Jackson hey up Rob lm just down the A1 in Doncaster
I never thought I had this but looking back it makes a lot of sense. I never ordered my own food going out to eat and refused to do so. The closest I've come is telling my family (or who I'm with) what I want in front of the waiter because I can't tell them directly. I never talked to my teachers,classmate, never talked to strangers. I've met all of my friends because they always talked to me first and kept talking to me. I never talk in group settings even if I have several friends in the group and know a lot about what they are talking about. And when my friends introduce me to people I just kinda stand there not being able to say anything. I discribed it once like being trapped underwater and unable to speak. You want to say something but you just cannot get it out. Funny enough I knew my best friend was selectively mute cause he did the same things I did and never put two and two together
Thank you for covering this important topic! I was abused as a child and could not tell anyone because I would find myself unable to speak. I have an autistic friend that was raped in college and could not speak for herself. These are extreme examples but show just how critical it is to raise awareness so that we can spot the symptoms in ourselves and others, particularly in children.
I was diagnosed with selective mutism as a kid. I've improved with it a lot over the years, but I still struggle with it sometimes. >.
Could not knowing what to say or talk about in a scary group situation be selective mutism? Like, it's not that I can't communicate at all, but my mind goes blank and I have no ideas for what to say... I also feel withdrawn and like I don't wanna talk, although I feel like I should for social reasons.
Its a possibility
Its definitely a possibility yes.. Selective mutism can come in several levels, some worse than others. I had it very bad at first, only talked to my mum, dad and my sister. Not even grandparents. However now, 17 years later, i only struggle in group situations. I have a very big problems knowing what to say and when to interrupt the conversation, feeling like i never get my chance to say anything. However, normally you really WANT to talk.
@@kristinejensen5701 what makes things worse for me is when I do have something to say, I try to force myself to say it in a timely manner but its like they don't hear you and others just keep talking over you so you end up feeling ignored.
@@vice2versa yeah, thats a big problem for me too. Often I am about so say something but its as if im too slow, and everyone else just continue the conversation. And also it feels bad to just interrupt everyone else, so you're kinda stuck..
I still have to wait for 1.5 looooong weeks until I get my diagnosis (suspected ADHD with lots of authistic traits), but this is só me! I want to talk about stuff, but never find the right moment or just don't know what to talk about. Or others are talking about stuff and I'm in my mind like: "why is this interesting?" Or I'm just plainly sidetracked.
I've always had a problem with this!
Whenever I find myself in an anxiety situation I go completely mute and I'm unable to talk even if I wanted to
Depending on how much anxiety the situation causes it can go from a few minutes to a couple of hours
I never considered having selective mutism I just thought I'm extremely shy
This makes so much more sense!
There are times when I am in a stressful situation where I will just shut down and not want to talk to anyone. After some time, I will come out of it and can talk again.
Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Yeah.
Same here
of course the world revolves around you
@@1181darkfire huh
Thanks for this video, I’m watching from South Wales :D Ive always been labelled as ‘shy’ but growing up I had a real fear and lack of understanding on how to communicate. I’ve found I’m much more capable of conversing with 1 person but multiple people I just get a sense of being lost and unable to contribute, and this is where I’ll find any excuse to get away haha.
This is exactly the same as me, although with multiple people it has improved a little, although I won't be leading the conversation apart from if it's about something I'm interested in
I have Selective Mutism! It’ll never go away, but I came here to encourage people.
I used to never speak, to ANYONE. Only the people who live in my house. I never raised my hand in class, and I actually still don’t. I’m still trying to get through it but I’ve come a long way! 😁 My parents put me in therapy, and a nice woman named Megan worked with me. I started in 3rd grade, and stopped in 6th. She helped me so much, but she couldn’t unless I had the drive in me to speak. I really did, I wanted to tell my friends about my pets, about ME. But they only knew me as the shy girl who actually had a good heart if you had a lot of patience, and took the time to get to know me. But I wanted to be more than that. I set goals for myself, and the drive in me was so strong that I reached them! I used to talk in what my parents the “church mouse voice”. I didn’t want to whisper, but I was too afraid to speak normally, so it sorta came out as a squeak. Now I can speak normally to ANYONE! I love meeting new people now, and my secret is perseverance, friends who won’t give up on you, and a bit of a push. I’m in 8th grade now, and my friends never gave up on me, and always stuck by my side. Never give up and I know you can do it! Anyone can!
Hey thank yo so much for the words of advice and help to the community!! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Selective mutism is a big issue for me. Silence seems to be a sucker punch for any kind of friendship or relationship. It can be very isolating. I have very few friends. Autism is at times mentally exhausting. Sometimes it's the situation sometimes it's just the person.
Watching from Japan. Had a student who had selective mutism and want to know more. Keep up the good work!!!
“The energy is just zapped out of me”
That is such an excellent description of what it feels like (for me too at least)!
you should make a video on the positives of having autism spectrum disorder or ADHD
I live and I'm watching from Greece 🇬🇷 but I'm from the UK originally🇬🇧.
Watching your videos helps me understand more what is going on inside the wonderful mind of my 3 year old. Thank you so much 😊
I hate having selective mutism as a hispanic dude because I struggle to reply back and people then talk to me in spanish thinking I probably struggle to speak english
i had no idea this was an actual diagnosis. it always happens to me thats why i barley have any friends because sometimes i legit just cant talk even if i want to.
Aw man that’s tough!! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
X i get the same way. I just accept that I'm a loner. I enjoy alone time way too much, though.
@@SeveringArtfully same :/
I have never heard of this, but I really feel I have it. I can talk to family members with no issues, but if I am out, I find it hard to initiate a conversation and often feel more comfortable if someone talks to me first. I always thought of it as a block, as I would sometimes know what to say, but wasn't able to say it and at times it would make my mind go blank and I wouldn't know what to say at all. I don't really get nervous when I am in that situation that much, I used to, but I find it makes social situations for me a little difficult. Sometimes I don't have a lot of issues, but other times I feel its really an issue and it can leave me with an uncomfortable feeling for a while.
I love photography and I live in Northern Ireland and people here are normally friendly and would say hello to you when you pass them walking somewhere, even if they don't know you to just be friendly. I can do that fine and have no real issues with it. However, I love photography and any chances I get, I like to take my camera and tripod out with me to take photos somewhere. This often leads to people coming up to me, asking about my camera or commenting about the area we are in, either that or someone's dog would come up to me and the dogs owner would talk to me. Not that I have a problem with people doing that, but I often can't get the words out or know what to say to them and it ends up feeling kind of awkward.
I was in a social situation once where i was silent for most of the gathering. When i finally said something brief.......everyone burst out laughing. I have no idea what was so funny. Needless to say........i avoid simular situations now. Social gatherings are not mandatory. If you don't like them, avoid them.
Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Before I learned I was autistic I just thought I was stupid, literally dumb because I could talk to Almost anybody 1 on 1 about all sorts of my interests as long as there is no emotional connect or personal conflict. As soon as my brain decides this is important I can Not Speak. Relationships are the hardest.
And my mother...
Cheers !
watching from the netherlands (:
i so can relate to this. when i'm with people i don't really know well i tend to just shut down. 2 years ago (when i wasn't diagnosed yet) i did a journalism study and every week we would have a debate with our class, people always told me to give my opinion and speak up, but i just couldn't. it was really hard. new people, people i don't know that well yet, groups of people, i just can't properly communicate with them. thank you for making these videos, it helps a lot!!
I'm like this in every social gathering. I have to force myself to speak and I end up sounding like a little girl. I'm from MD, USA
Hey Telaya, I feel the same exact way. Have you gotten diagnosed? Or have you talked with a psychologist about this?
@@xxgkmc5979 I was diagnosed at 2. I had psychologists throughout my school years to cope with stress. It's like automatically when I don't feel like talking, but have to talk.
Telaya Jackson 2.0 I can definitely relate. I haven't been diagnosed yet but it's literally so scary talking with people especially in social situations where everyone is blabing away
Same.
I'm still struggling with whether I have autistic traits or dealing with CPTSD. There were times in my youth where I went completely non-verbal in social settings, or when feeling certain emotions. While a lot of practice and therapy have helped this immensely, there are still times when an anxiety builds up in me, and it's a literal struggle just to form coherent words in my mind, much less force them out, one at a time.
i never knew what selective mutism was until someone said michael myers has it and i started researching it more and the way you’re describing your experience is exactly the same with mine and i always figured i was just really quiet and uncomfortable and i thought it stemmed from this person who i won’t go into detail about but he always told me “don’t speak unless your spoken to.” i could not speak in groups at school and it really affected my grades and i can’t even talk to my family anymore, i also have trouble with jobs because i’m “too quiet” and people terrify me 🤣 this has been going on for years and i was trying to find a therapist for other issues but i was thinking like would i even be able to talk to them? i don’t really have access to one rn but i just wanna know wtf is going on with me lmao
I get severe social anxiety and go mute at times, but usually push through it to avoid conflict. First I’ll not reply and just make vague hand gestures or smile or something, but if they try to confront me I’ll completely shut down. Sometimes, I don’t want people to think im rude so I force myself to say something, but it comes out jumbled and impossible to follow which is pretty humiliating. It’s like trying to talk when you’re half asleep or something? But also you’re in high alert, like my brain is on fire just totally overwhelmed
I am watching from the middle of Germany :)
And yeah this is SO relatable!
I was invited to a birthday party in January. So I knew the girl 'cause she's my friend. My best friend was also with me. But there were some people I didn't know, so the whole evening went by without me saying any word because I simply couldn't... My best friend also told me afterwards that I was rocking a lot. This kind of thing where I am simply not able to talk also happens a lot when I am at work or when I wanna ask someone something. I simply can't and it's really frustrating from time to time because I just end up not saying or asking anything.
Glad it didn't happen while talking on your discord server though. I really do enjoy writing and talking on there (even though I was super nervous the first time). So thank you for making this server it's super helpful! :)
✌🏼Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :). ;)
There's a discord server? :o
@@e_i_e_i_bro yeah! The link to the server is in the description :)
Hey I'm in Germany too!
[This comment ended up being far longer than intended! Congrats to any poor soul who makes it to the end 😅] It's so refreshing to see somebody talking about this without it all being based around children! I've had severe SM for 18 years (stopped speaking at 3, apparently), went through so many awful experiences of therapies which just caused more damage, leading me to being mute in all situations other than at home with immediate family members. To my relief, my parents eventually gave up along with all the therapists/CAMHS etc and I went into deep denial for almost 10 years... I had lost hope by 12 and things got really bad between 17-20, particularly as I realised there just didn't seem to be any other adults who experienced the same as I did, much less other guys too - I felt humiliated by the label because everything I saw would say the same old 'childhood disorder, will grow out of it'. About 3 months ago I finally realised I couldn't keep living like this, started counselling (with no intention of tackling the SM - I went for other reasons) and gradually realised this was something I really wanted to work on, and thankfully I have had the most fantastic counsellor figuring out all of this with me. It's been one of the most difficult processes I've ever been though but today I let my counsellor hear my voice. I'm still struggling to process it and there's a long way to go yet but hell I have never felt such hope before. I guess the most important thing I want to say is if you have a kid who has SM, let them lead the way. Don't force therapy on a kid who clearly doesn't want it. That's how I lost trust in absolutely everybody, especially my parents, and that's why I went into denial and said I was happy not talking even though I wasn't - I just wanted these awful people to leave me alone (granted I don't know how treatment is these days, hopefully it's improved!). We figure this stuff out when we're ready and when we have the determination and support to stick with it ☺️
Thank you. I left a long comment and felt uncomfortable about it, but I will leave it.
I’m just learning this a thing. I’ve tried so many times to explain to those close to me what is happening. I literally feel trapped inside my body, my mind is there and having the conversation and absolutely can not for the life of me open my mouth and join in. For me I desperately want to join in and physically can’t, I am scheduled for an assessment for ADHD and I also believe I may be on the autism spectrum as well. Social anxiety is so prevelant for me, but also many ADHD symptoms. Such an inner battle, so thankful to have found your channel.
Thanks for this, it's just confirmed that I really did have selective mutism all the way through to my teens. My family were brutal about it like I was being obstinate or rude. I remember my mum being so angry our GP asked if I had learning issues at 15 because I couldn't speak to him. The worst was 20mins of being yelled at by a drunk relative at 18 because I wouldn't (couldn't) respond to them in a room full of now awkward silent friends of theirs 😬 I just had to physically leave the room in the end. I don't know about growing out of it but I think you get to avoid or manipulate your life to a greater extent to put yourself in less stressful situations. That said I do often not want to talk or find the sound of my voice off putting in social situations but it's very distinct from the very physical NOPE I had as a kid. My son was the same and we both made animal noises at times to get around it... my family used to tell me I'm not a Guinea pig! I'd be really interested if the animal noise thing is common???
My 7 yr old daughters has aspergers and I have social anxiety, this totally explains her and I when We are out in public! I’ve really struggled with this big time lately. My anxiety is horrible and taking over. My daughter freezes up as well, this has helped me understand her a bit more and realize we both have that trait. I don’t have autism but my hubby is undiagnosed aspergers as well as his father who is a musical genius. It’s definitely in the family so your videos telling it from an adult perspective helps me understand it more. Thank you!
Regarding a shift in communication ability as we age, I think its related to the 'familiar' factor. In my tech career I've had to communicate different topics with hundreds of customers. Once I'm familiar with a topic and have chances to practice it, the selective mutism does get better. One on one conversations, especially a phone call works best for me. I know for my own self being in groups larger than 10 is particularly overwhelming. I recently attended a local business event, not realizing there would be a couple hundred other attendees. I managed to stick around during the near 2 hour event but felt suffocated, anxious, barely able to contol the muscle jitters, unable to speak and in a mental fog. It took several days of isolation and down time to climb back out of that mental tar pit. Years ago when these things happened I had no idea, no correlation to why I preferred to be by myself and why I would freeze up. It limited my life in so many ways in those days, some still to this day. However, as we age it really DOES get better with knowledge and understanding (and practice!). Many thanks to the ASP community and their efforts to spread awareness. Keep up the good works! 👯♀️🤗
My 12 year old has selective mutism. It's been a struggle. I never realized that I had it too until recently. I thought I was just painfully shy. I could not talk to people that I didn't already know. When I moved out of the house to a completely different city at age 18, I thought to myself "This "shyness" is getting me nowhere. Nobody knows me here. No preconceived notions of my shyness. I have to change this."
It was tough. I would force myself to speak and just blurt out whatever words came to mind. At first it almost felt like an out of body experience. It felt like I was just listening to someone else speak when I blurted out words. It was awkward, but I kept it up. Now I can talk to anyone, anywhere at anytime, and I do it in line at the grocery store or just walking down the street to any random stranger. (My husband who has known me since I was 16 says that I'm making up for lost time. 😄) However, if I get into a social situation where I feel like I'm expected to mingle, I clam up and can't talk! I just want to go home.
I was well into my 50s before I understood I had Asperger's. Many of my issues are very deeply entrenched. Selective Mutism has been a part of my reality for so long it's hard to imagine any real treatment. Now I have learned along the way to mask and rehearse and perform my way through most situations without incident. I have also learned to avoid situations that trigger issues such as Selective Mutism. It will still catch me in certain situations because the root cause is anxiety and anxiety is not something I cannot easily 'logic' my way out of in real time. For the majority of my life I thought I was defective or insane. I spent a great deal of energy covering up for my deficits and fitting in as best I could. I thought maybe if I learned enough that I might eventually grow out of it. I at least have a better understanding now of what is behind my difficulties. Where the patterns of my deficits made no sense to me for the majority of my life, I see now others with virtually the same issues. That's a comfort but not a cure. I am grateful to a number RUclips channels from people that experience these issues first hand and can talk about them in ways that I understand. That has been immensely helpful.
Hi Dan! Today is July 19, 2023. I live in south central Texas.
This subject brought up a distant memory from my childhood. I’m in my 70s and not diagnosed with autism or ADHD but have children and grandchildren with one or the other.
My parents told me that I stopped talking around 2 yrs while my father was deployed during the Korean War. I was told that I slowly started talking after his return.
Thank you for exploring this topic.
I'm selectively mute, and in 7-8th grade, the "popular" kids decided it would be fun to try and talk to me so I would freeze up and act like a "freak" so they could laugh at me
From Canada, I learned I had autism at age 40, less than a year ago, and I struggle in social situation (but I work in public, go figure) and with isolation. It helps me while I try to understand myself better to watch people like you sharing their experiences, thank you.
Some who have it as a child can also go back to it like me
Yes yes indeed! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Thanks for making amazing videos! ❤
Much love from the northern parts of Sweden.
Jessica Bergström Im from Sweden too :)
“Present for more than one month”, so the default mode for most of my life qualifies me? 😆
I don’t know why but I feel this “blockage” to talk in most social situations I never knew about selective mutism. I have got a social anxiety and Dan you really do help me out by doing these videos (Asperger videos, selective mutism) THANK YOU so much for doing your videos.KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK😆😁✌️
I have selective mutism due to my anxiety and oh my gosh people have been so rude about it, in secondary school (no idea what the American equivalent is but it’s for age 11-16) my entire maths class started laughing and asking me why I couldn’t speak as soon as the teacher left the room, I had a couple friends who stood up for me (context- I was having a bad anxiety day and my SM was really acting up and usually I could force myself to say answers to questions despite it being rlly hard to but it was just too bad so my friend told the teacher but the entire class heard) and me and one of my friends in the class actually learnt sign language so I could communicate to her. That memory from the maths class has stuck with me all my life and made me try my best to not tell people about my SM in case they laugh. The moral of this for me is basically that kids are evil little so and sos who have no empathy!
Victoria, Australia, mate.
My mutism is also to do with inability to talk to people I feel unsafe around, or I do not trust.
Other times, my brain works a zillion times faster than my mouth, so sometimes, I just clam up.
Emotionally safe people make all the difference for me too.
I appreciate that you made a video on selective mutism, which I think is something often invisible or overlooked. I had selective mutism that developed when I was 17 and went off to college (USA), and it lasted until I was about 21 years old. I could only talk to a handful of people. And it was humiliating in this four year series of classes I had to take with a small cohort, where I was expected to speak, but my brain was totally blank when it came it speech, like a lizard brain is how I think of it. Sometimes I would go an entire month without speaking one word to anyone. I did benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy, including group therapy, an SSRI and a lot of hard work. I am 31 and sometimes have this come up again in specific situations, but now I’m more likely to tell people I can’t think of words, and people are more understanding. Nobody told me it was selective mutism, and nobody ever guessed that I was autistic, instead I was treated for social phobia. But for anyone that has selective mutism and thinks the situation is hopeless, I would say at least give therapy a try if you can access that, because it could change your life if it works. I frequently do public speaking now as part of my job, something I was incapable of 10 years ago.
I have struggled with this for so long... I have been diagnosed with autism and anxiety recently. It's funny that the word "selective mutism" never came up when it just SO ACCURATELY describes my life.
Sometimes, when someone asks a quite important or 'personal' question, my heart just pounces and I get almost physically unable to say the words I want. I'll just mumble a low dry "i don't know" while I start getting a headache from all the thoughts that fuse through my head.
I sometimes spend a few dozen of minutes standing awkwardly on entrance doors because I can't get myself to confrount someone. I never ever asked to pee in class or getting water or sick-bay, anything that would attract some attention. Just swallow it up and suffer on your littl butt till the end of class, girl. Funnily enough though, I never feared participating in class (oh i still was quiet), because it's just about giving answers that are EXPECTED of you, you know. Today, I am too scared of handling administrative business, my parents need to help me with that.
I once lost my purse with my train tickets and my money (no actually twice! yeah because OF COURSE i have to be a dumb awkward lost distracted poop all the time, I lose items so often i suspect i could have some ADD). With no phone. Well what did I do? I waited for two hours outside in the fcking winter cold, trying to make plans to go home by foot (2h walking) because I could not go to TALK to a controller TO ASK FOR HELP.
I always thought I was "shy" and "introverted" and "quiet"
I have developped a very very low self-esteem because of all of this... Because of the ceasless self-critique that's been going on in my mind for all those years. I get these feelings that everyone is secretly hating on me and judging me, that I am profoundly inferior to everyone, it gets a bit paranoid sometimes. Eh.
It's a properly annoying and painful thing to live.
I have the same problems with social situations. I will avoid at all costs so I don’t have to experience all these emotions.
What has helped you, deal with this disorder? I’m worried about paranoia after so much negative self talk
I feel the same way as you, you said you feel like everyone is judging you and secretly hating on you and for me i'm the same way. Especially at work. I work in a restaurant but its such a small space and there are so many people crowded around me especially on the busy days and sometimes I feel like people are talking about me right in front of me, i know it's just me being paranoid but sometimes i can't help feeling that way. And I feel like I am supposed to speak up and be a part of conversations so when I'm unable to do so I get really down on myself. I think I also have a low self-esteem from all of the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I want to change but it's hard.
You hit the sweet spot again with this issue, Dan! Another great vid! I have selective mutism in spades! I was always called 'over-quiet' at school and - at school, at work, social situations, at church - I hated/hate situations where people say: 'split up into groups' for a discussion or a group activity! What made/makes it worse for me was/is when people think it is smart to turn round to me and remark 'You're awful quiet, there - - - - -!' and, in an accusatory manner, 'You're distant! What's up with you? What's the face for?' Even when people come to visit, I wanted to go upstairs into my room and out of the way. The reasons for the past/present tense is that I still suffer. My brain either freezes or the words/expressions become constipated/in a logjam … then I get so stressed and anxious, I give up and go into my shell. I had worked out some coping mechanisms over the years before I was diagnosed but, when I had a pretty awful autism burn out a few years ago, those coping mechanisms were effectively 'wiped' like a malfunctioning computer. I wish you and those you hold dear Peace and All Good!
It feels good to know another person feels like how I feel.
Same here, friend. Sorry for the late reply. Peace and All Good. @@poyink5515
Was wondering your opinion, noticed you said you can grow out of select mutism... Can you grow into it as well? Like not have issues with it as a kid but having it as an adult. I was a shy kid, but didnt experience muteism issues til i was an adult
Yes indeed!! It can just develop as you get older to! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I am watching from the Arcadia area of Phoenix, Arizona in the middle of the Sonoran Desert of the American southwest. My daughter was diagnosed with Selective Mutism 19 years ago when she was almost three years old, and went to a top Autism Research Doctor in Scottsdale, Arizona. She still has all of the problems that you spoke of in this video. Great Channel!
I grew out of selective mutism. I'm 31, and I struggled through my first 7 years at school. In kindergarden They just thought I was a bit late, but at school it felt like a big physical barrier in my mouth and head. Not quite sure why I started talking more, maybe people started to not care if I talked or not.
I work today where I need to verbally communicate, and I struggle. I'm actually just one month before a new job, cuz I cannot work were I work now. I really struggle to talk, and not understand the social codes is wearing me out...
"...maybe people started not to care if I talked or not...."
I totally understand how you feel about freezing up around gatherings involving heated discussion or multi-person banter. The more people there are in my vicinity, the harder it is for me to sift through the bombardment of stimulus and locate my own voice. Thank you again Dan for another helpful video!
I've tried to survive it for 8 years 😥. Get depressed really often and makes me sad n angry everyday 😭😩
But, actually I am a good student in class. Top at science and math, which make me feel a little bit happy. I don't care if someone talking shit about me, there will be time when I'm going to step on their pride :)
Thank you for this video, nothing else explained selective mutism this well! I’m Autistic and semi-nonverbal, but you’re the first person to properly explain the difference between selective mutism and being semi-nonverbal! Thank you so much!!!
You are welcome!! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Before the video: I recently went to a friend's going-away party and spent most of the time just thinking to myself. Granted, I hadn't talked to the majority of the people there in over two years (I saw the friend once--the first time in two years--a couple of weeks prior), and couldn't follow their conversations (given that they required context I didn't have). I talked to four people with some regulatiry (primarily those I talked with most before the two year gap). Otherwise, "mute" is an apt description of my behaviour (I think).
Edit: Note that I tried to enter the conversation "rings" whenever possible (I wanted to test my limits at this party), but I didn't talk.
After the video: I guess I should bring it up when I go to get my referrral & diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with it when I was 3 after my parents were concerned of my social skills.The following year I started school at 4. I wouldn't talk to anyone directly. But that year I made a friend (who is very chatty) I would only whisper to in people's ears to communicate even to my friend and she would shout out what I said so everyone could hear properly. Until the second year (Year 1) I would start screaming at break and lunch time and everyone would be amazed as they hadn't heard my actual voice before and that is the closest I got. Then halfway through the year I eventually began talking properly but I didn't like putting my hand up. But at home I was fine. Even though Me and my parents are the only ones living in this country and I have no siblings. My parents stopped living together shortly before or after I was diagnosed. I went to go live with my mum and went to my dad's every weekend or so and made friends with my neighbours who also went to the same school as me.Everytime someone rang the doorbell unless I knew them I would run and hide and not come out until they left. But on my own I found out that I loved art, Architecture and stories and to this day I want to be an architect when I grow up since I like to do interior design of houses and write stories, draw and listen to music and eventually started playing the violin. Since then I have really come out of my shell a lot more but I am still shy. At school I only talk when necessary but with my friends a lot more. I still don't put up my hand to share something personal or my opinion. Only when I know the answer.
Or if I have a question. I've grown into an Introvert but since I'm used to being alone I learnt to like it so I didn't develope loneliness or depression. School really did help me like my violin lessons, choir, clubs etc. And now the internet as well. Even though still have much anxiety to certain things like when speaking out Infront of people like on stage. I'm now will be 14 in May and I hope that I get a lot more confident and I know that it will take time.
And this comment is the first time I shared something this personal. I only was told about that I had this a few months ago and all these years I thought I was so shy.
I can definitely relate to this when I think back to my teenage years and early adulthood: the weird thing is, it changed by itself, to the point where I can work as a teacher and even have to stop myself from talking too much instead of encouraging my students to do most of the talking. There are still some social situations that make me anxious to the point where it gets hard to talk, but they've dwindled to a minimum, and I no longer feel compelled to communicate most of my more complex feelings via elaborate letters.
Watching from Maine (USA)! Recently diagnosed with ASD at 23 years old thanks to videos like yours! Thanks for doing what you do!
Heyy!! You are so welcome! Reach out with any questions :). Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
@@TheAspieWorld You're awesome too! thank you!
I have selective mutism as a result of ASD, PTSD, and dissociative and psychotic disorders. Few situations I love socializing in, but there are some where being expected to talk can send me straight into a meltdown or episode. I have to be excessively careful about what social situations I involve myself in as a result
very timely, I find it really hard to speak up for myself, I rather bury my issues until I can solve it on my own.
I really love your videos~ You make them really interesting and helpful by explaining everything very simply
Watching you from Russia:)
Love your accent btw:)
Thank you so much!! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :). 🔥🔥
I'm in Western Washington State, USA. I'm just finding out there's a name for what I have!
There are some people I can't talk to. I don't know why, I just can't speak.
I've known I was different from birth, I'm only now getting some real help from video's like yours.
I'm a female with autism that masks fairly successfully.
I'm in my seventh decade. I do not talk any pharma drugs, they always end up hurting me.
Thanks you so much for your video series. I wish the "Professionals" in the US were up on this. Sadly I've been to more professionals than you can shake a stick at, and no one caught on to the masking!
THANK YOU!!!
Why would you expect professionals to see through your disguise? They are only there to help you with what you reveal yourself.
Watching from Northern Colorado! I have always been this way. If I'm in company with anybody else, I always allow them to speak for me if I can, and keep silent. Sometimes if I'm called upon to speak, I literally can't get the words out, as though they were stuck in the back of my mouth. Once, I even had to hand a phone to another person at work, because I couldn't even get "How can I help you?" out. When my mother started making me order my own food at restaurants, that was REALLY traumatic!
Heyy!! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I'm from Brazil, Rio, and glad you mentioned portuguese in the video!!
Hey!! Haha thanks! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
This happens to me a lot. The shitty thing about it is I hate awkward silence but most of the time I can't speak so what can you do....
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Yup
Selective Mutism is hard. For me it goes like this. You can't explain what is going on because you are experiencing it. You find yourself in a cage where you can't ask for help because, well, you have selective mutism and you don't want to seek therapy because of the anxiety of sitting in a therapy session dead silent and unable to interact. You then find ways to try and seem ok, which usually results in lots of smiling, nodding and learnt phrases to try and take focus off yourself and then trying to just get out of situation as soon as I can. The weird thing is, give me a pen or keyboard and I can respond perfectly. Add the physical see, hear, speak and I get stuck.
When I was in my early adulthood I experienced this in a very profound way. It caused me to not be able to respond at all when I really would have liked to. I have trouble with small talk and other talking at times. I can feel drained trying to figure out responses online also. I believe I can improve just as I have overcame not being able to respond at all over time and with therapy I did on myself to be more assertive.
Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I'm watching from my couch in Fremont Nebraska USA. (small town in the Midwest). But I do have selective mutism. I appreciate your videos so so much. Especially because it can be hard for me to explain my autism to others, but I pull up your videos and show them, which helps them understand what I'm actually trying to say or express what I am and do struggle with. Your videos definitely have helped and continue to help me with my partner who is still trying to learn and understand how best to help me or understand what I might be dealing with now or have been struggling with but can't fully explain in a way he can actually understand. So, thank you so much, you're videos are extremely helpful to me and also reassure me that I'm not alone.
Stress and anxiety causes mine, I don’t know what to do. I feel so out of place, I nearly end up in the corner of the room. The last time it happened was when we were at a family get together. I ended up leaving and sitting in the car till the rest of the family were ready to go home.
I have aspergers and adhd, but I've never been diagnosed with selective mutism, so I'm not too sure of what it is happening, but here's my experience: In a group, the biggest the worse it is, also it's worse with new people or if there's a lot of stimuli. Like the part of my brain that I need to access in order to use my social skills is no longer available, it's like trying to access the right memory, but staring into really deep fog instead. But I can still participate physically, like enjoying the food. If someone talks to me, I can talk back, as they usually carry the conversation for me.
The second instance is if I try to push through a conversation that feels too hard (like I'm trying to talk about my grandmother dying to my therapist). Then I just plain freeze, in addition of going mute, I can't even make eye contact or acknowledge their presence, trying to snap out of it feels like I'm trying to to pull a car on neutral.
Anyway, unpleasant.
I’m watching from Mexico! I’ve learned a lot from you, thank you.
Also, I want to say something that is going to come across as annoying, but it comes from a place of positive criticism and being a fan of this channel. Thing is calls to action are becoming a little bit distracting and overwhelming, maybe tone them down a bit.
Thiis is ME!! I stumbled upon Your channel as I was researching for my eight year old sons possible Asperger’s diagnoses. The more I listen the more I realize that I probably have it as well, and MA master masker, at 44 years old… have lost my identity… as for explaining my experience of “selective mutism”..I always explain as almost a paralysis that takes over my body and I cannot sync or speak properly
I never used to talk when my mum took me to the doctors I was given the opportunity to talk but never did so she did it for me
Yeah this is a classic of SM. Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I’ve been fortunate enough to be quite a sociable person. However I have found throughout my life that sometimes I go to speak and I physically can’t get the word out. It’s not like a stutter it’s almost like a physical barrier stopping me from talking. This mostly happens in new environments or job interviews. I find what helps is either talking a pause to take a deep breath or having a safe word that you say that then allows you to start talking again.
I was called stuck up and weird for this most my life. I am not diagnosed but Im starting to look into it more cause I relate so much with these videos. I go mute when Im too overwhelmed emotionally. When Im in a group of friend or with his family I still get times when I barley get a word in eventough I have known them for years and I dont know why, this could be it. When people are too talkative and do alot of small talk it draines me out just to be in their presence. Also what is confusing is that I may be talking to someone for hour today and tomorrow I cant even say hi or goodmorning, thats why people find me weird.
Thank you for this. I’m learning something new everyday about my husbands autism. We recently went on a cruise. We don’t sit with other people. Mainly because I’m mostly deaf but I hear out of one ear with the help of a digital aid and my husband never talks. So I’m afraid I’ll miss what people say and he just doesn’t talk. So it can be quite lonely. We met up with my dad and his wife before boarding the ship and my husband got up to go to the bathroom ( at the restaurant) and my dad asked,” How do I get him to talk?” I honestly didn’t think it was going to be an issue since my dad talks a lot! Lol I suddenly felt very defensive and sorry my husband. I says dad he can’t help it. Just talk to him, he’s a good listener and when he has something to say - he’ll say it. But ohhhh how I would love to have a long conversation with my husband. It feels hopeless.
What I experience is excitement to talk in certain situations and the inability to get my word in. I will try to jump in at pauses or when I can (often involves a short interruption of the end of a sentence), but I find other people in the Zoom call overpower me and talk over my attempt to talk. A bunch of people get to talk by overpowering me and I end up just shutting up. This contributes to an intense imposter syndrome where I feel like my opinion isn't wanted or important. I wonder what's the best way to handle Zoom based meetings where there are often a lot of stronger personalities to take over the conversation?
I am watching this from The Netherlands. 🇳🇱
Awesome video! I don't think I've ever heared about seletive mutism before. Learned something new today. 😃
I had this from elementary all the way up until high school. I really wish my mom would have taken me to therapy but she's one of those people that doesn't believe in mental illness.
Oh interring. Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
How have I just found out about this now.. validated what I considered to be practically my whole personality. Wow. Thank you
I have this and when I'm only having to deal with talking to one person I tried this once when I met my phyciatrist for my evaluation is that I told him I was having a hard time to speak because I was nervous and then I took a deep breath and gave myself permission to gather my thoughts and say what I wanted to. I know it's not always as easy but that time it worked.
I once saw a film called The Piano. I don't recall all the details, but it was about a woman who, as a child, suddenly chose not to speak anymore at all. She recounts her own story of how she lost the motivation to speak, even though there was no discernable cause.
However, she loved the piano and expressed herself incredibly beautifully through her music. She learned sign language and raised her daughter (who spoke normally) with it as her first language. As she grew up, the daughter would often interpret for her mother.
At the end of the film, the mother decides to slowly start speaking again. I'm not sure it was clearly explained why she had stopped speaking in the first place, and what made her want to start again after so long.
Is this sort of thing common in selective mutism? Can sign language be a bridge to facilitate communication? What alternative ways, such as art, do selectively mute people choose to express themselves?
I think I have selective mutism. But my doctor said I just have severe social anxiety and shyness. And that I don’t have a “mutism”. I don’t think he knows what selective mutism is, because isn’t it a form of social anxiety? It’s very frustrating, because I don’t think I’m just “shy”.
Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Watching from Los Angeles.i have a 20 year old severe, on the spectrum. My 5 year old was recently diagnosed high functioning. When my 5 year old was diagnosed ...I realized my 16 year old is not shy, she's autistic. she's an aspie. Her Dx was confirmed last month. ...So I finally realized, I'm an aspie. Thank you for all the videos you have helped my family a lot.🥰