Why You Still Miss The Narcissist / Borderline Abuser
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- Опубликовано: 11 окт 2024
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Narcissists and borderlines leave us how we found them, broken, hating ourselfs and traumatised. They literally take your heart and run.
We miss the illusion of what they were in the very beginning, because it was like nothing we ever felt before.
But how we left them in the end or how they left us in the end is how they really are. Never forget that.
thats a hard lesson. They are an empty shell. An illusion.
Here is an example of all the problems I had, when I went to a restaurant with her, and there was some guy sitting at the bar, she could sit and make eye contact with him all evening secretly. It was like that all the time, that she wanted attention from other men. I felt so worthless, thought it was so disrespectful too. It killed me. When I questioned her, she always said I was jealous and that she hadn't looked at him. I always thought it was hard when we would go out and do things. My self-esteem sank to rock bottom.
It’s been over a year of no contact and I still think about her every single day. I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I do miss her. Luckily my brain is stronger than my heart so I won’t break. She was so abusive and vile and cheated and I know she never really loved me. But I still miss her. I’m sure she’s moved on with 5 or 6 guys at this point…that being said, I’ll never date again. I wouldn’t be able to survive going through that again. I would literally end up dead. There are worse fates than living life alone.
Don't think like that bro. She was just an experience in your life. Whether good or bad it's something that should make you stronger and learn from this experience. Now, hopefully, you know the signs to look for in your next relationship. Don't think so much about your past with this person. It was always meant to end bad. The other person already knew it. Just be careful next time, don't ignore the red flags. Set boundaries from the start and if they don't respect them, drop them immediately. No more second chances. Be strong, love yourself and walk with confidence. Your next girl is out there and you will meet her someday. Take care.
I miss her the way she smiles the way she laughed the way she looked at me with her big eyes... when it looked like love was in there no one ever looked at me like that. I miss her goofiness her jokes. I miss her pushing me and reassuring me... validating my feelings when i told her what was going on with me and my family. I miss how she always wanted to be around me the way she grabbed me and held me... the way she kissed me... i missed how silly she was she used to dance when i gave her milkshakes... little very little little tiny things compiled i could go on forever... there was so much of her to love... there was so much good in her.... but when it got dark.... it got really dark... the splitting.... i cant believe how someone could love me so much for so long.... and then just turn around and do the most horrible things someone could do to another.... not even someone they love just.... how could anyone do those things to ANYONE? like even someone they hate... idk... but people think and tell me there was nothing good about her and like... thats definitely not true... i dont just fall in love with anyone.... its only happened twice in my life... i dont fall in love with MOST girls that like me... and like i know it was real... or she THOUGHT it was real she had herself convinced that she loved me... she just didnt know what love means.... or maybe.. it was fleeting... maybe its the lack of object constancy... she stops loving me if she cant see me? Or she thinks i dont love her because some perceived rejection so she talks herself out of loving me? But... her eyes didnt lie... like in those moments where she looked at me with love... like... that was definitely real... in the moment... it just... she shuts it off... idk how you can just shut love off like that. I mean obviously its not TRUE love... or not what my version of love is... maybe thats the only love... shes capable of... im actually scared to think of everything i miss about her because there actually is so much i miss about her.... like sooooo much... ive never loved anyone this much.... but she cant reciprocate.... the splitting is the scariest thing ive ever experienced... like she could kill me in my sleep type... ffs
You said what a lot of us have. Sad reality that we got attached to the good we experienced. We need to accept them as a whole, they're all those things. And the bad outweighs the good.
Exactly..mine committed suicide by alcohol..so there's nothing to go back to if I wanted to
.but all these memories are what I remember too.But I'm also living w the results of all the bad..identity theft..income lack now..reputation ruined..health issues..presently in the process of the long road to healing
Looks like she needs to do some self reflecting to work on the parts she’s lacking in. You made a good decision. Don’t second guess yourself! When the time is right you’ll find a healthy person to share intimate feelings with that will equally reciprocate back to you.
You answered your question.
"How can anyone treat another like this?"
"She hates herself."
It sounds like you have so much love to give, such passion. There are parts of her u love, but as you say, "how could anyone do those things to anyone", you have morals, she's does not.
I had been missing her, now so glad to not mis her, at all.
Mis someone who treats me horrible?
I understand, mis the fantasy, just let the fantasy die, not you.
You are worth what you saw in the other person.
All this is upside down.
We always live in the past and future because it was too scary and confusing to be in the present.
That's so true. Future is unknown, and the present is too buzzy to worry about, but the past holds the key to what we used to hold dear. And is often an idealistic version of what it really was. I will always be nostalgic about certain events, relationships, or people because I remember the good times. The crisis, lies, and screaming are all forgotten. In my case, the person doesn't exist anymore. We are out of reach of each other, and the story was left unfinished. That's what hurts the most.
It is an adiction..see it as such
Missing her a lot today after a month apart so it's no coincidence YT recommended this.
I think, despite the relationship was 20 years ago, I still miss her, she was a talented singer and drummer, she could hold a conversation about almost everything. She was the perfect physical type to me. And the fact that she's not here anymore left a big hole where my heart used to be. I thought it was only something she was saying to get me to stay, again, as she menaced to do it a few times before would I leave, I never thought she was serious, or that she would actually do something. I think I'll always feel guilty about it. I often have dreams that she's still around. I don't know what to say more than this. Despite it was more chaotic than great, the days that were great, were paradise, and sometimes, despite how toxic she was, I catch myself wishing she's still there, and that what she said, that I was the person destiny send her, might be, after all, the truth. I can't help but blame myself for what happened despite knowing that it was her decision.
The results of all this, is that don't feel anything. All my feelings are numb. I think it's the punishment she inflicted me. I had many other relationships after her. I always feel like I'm cheating.
fuck the bozos of this world and the world too ,48 years of the same , must b a curse,i aint got no traumas im
good , bt they still failed with me non stop,sick of it
Thank you Dave. You just made me cry. You got it. For many many years I was not allowed to have feelings. Through the worst things. I got to the point that I do not remember even as a child being able to cry. I had it drummed into my mind that I was the bad one since I was two. I do remember the most wonderful day at that age it was glorious…that was the last day I remembered ever feeling like that. Why.? Because many years later I realized that is when I started blocking things out. Most everything. Regardless…one year ago I started to cry. I cried for hours I am not exaggerating. I could not stop. It was like omitting out all of my feelings of total loss. I know I had just been grieving deeply for so long.
I hope it feels good to cry. Thanks for telling me, I think we either cry today or tomorrow but it won't go away until we do.
After reading your response I will tell you that yes I felt such a release in my very being when I was able to just cry really just sob. I had felt for many years that I could not cry or I would just fall apart and not be able to hold anything together. I am sure you know the deal. Thank you for understanding. Your videos were the first ones I came across addressing narcissism and abuse that was some time ago. I am glad that you are still out here doing these videos to help others. 🦋
We have to put these experiences behind us otherwise we haven't left.
from south africa
Remember when you are near them how your head hurts and it feels like your brain is turning in your head and you feel dizzy, I don't miss that. I don't miss that I had to act like nothing is wrong just for my parents to talk to me.
That resonates so much. Thank you. ❤
Fantastic advice.
Just taken so much energy out of me loving someone that almost didn’t exist she just didn’t feel anything for me
I don't miss my ex , possibly because after 20+ years he had killed all my feelings (for everything it seems).
I do miss my son, not sure why because when i split with his dad (when he was 18) he started to bully me. He turned 24 last month. He hasnt spoken to me in years.
Thank you for addressing ghosting as well ❤
Hello! Miss the innocent grandchildren
Im so sorry Sally.
The girl I know who has bpd parted but partially because I got fed up with her bullshit, now my body aches for her. I miss someone who gave me their full heart, mind, and soul and made me feel like I was actually worth something as a human being. That's what borderlines give you in an otherwise largely ignored world.
I am in individual therapy but I’ve found that group has been so rewarding and helpful. It’s such a safe place and no judgement. It’s comforting to know that you have shared experiences. Hearing what has helped others has greatly progressed my healing.
from south africa
Hi David
I really liked that you talked about how few people understand this, they usually just say If it happened to me then I would leave, It's not that simple.
David thank you. I just discovered this at the right time. And what you just said about open emotions from their past behavior is spot on. There is never time to reconcile the past issues because more keep building. And nothing gets resolved. And when the split and ghosting comes. Which I’m in the middle of again, all of those emotions come out all over again.
It’s definitely been a roller coaster for me , only dated my ex who has BPD for a month and a half (January- February) and I’m still traumatized. Still get hoovers once a month, first Hoover she apologized for ghosting me then I told her about stuff she post about me then disappears and reappears by sending me a meme. Last month we stayed in contact for like 2 weeks with positive vibes and nothing negative then I believe she splitted on me again.
Makes indirect posts about me saying I hurt her and I’m a pos and I loved bombed her (something she did) but still comes back being nice but I don’t see the person I once dated just see glimpses.
Currently in therapy, trying to work on my codependency. Feel like it triggers in relationships, bc single I’m able to go places and stuff on my own without hanging out with people/friends .
First relationship I dated a narcissist for a year and I’ve been noticing I’ve been attracting people with cluster b’s.
Realized I need to work on my own trauma, thank you for this vid. Your vids help me to get better understanding about a lot of things. - Jeff (Buffalo, NY)
I feel like you are talking directly to me and about me , like you have read my mind David, I’m gobsmacked
Hello David ! ❤❤❤❤
Hello!
The complete lack of any closure was probably one of the hardest parts for me. To hear you talk about what healthy closure looks like at the end of a relationship made me a bit sad. I wish more people had the decency to give people that kind of closure. Personality disorder or not. It seems as if people are becoming more and more selfish in relationships.
On a positive note, I am really starting to find that closure on my own finally. I’ve noticed a lot more healing and growth lately which is so encouraging.
Thanks David! Hope you are having a great week!
Hi David from Sacramento. I do not miss anyone that I have gone no contact with. I have internalized everyone that has been in my life and the cruel and mean shit they said to me and treated my dog and cats and there’s no way in hell I will ever miss them. When I went no contact that was my closure end of story. I’m in a new chapter in my life with just me and Foxxy the cat. I think it would be interesting to have an actual conversation with you and a few other life coaches. Maybe 🤔
Hi David, thanks for all your videos! I had a girlfriend for three years who had many symptoms of borderline but was never diagnosed. It was never her fault so why seek help? When I met her I was married and very dissatisfied with the last 5 years of my marriage. Before that, I had been very happy in my marriage for more than 20 years. I personally enjoy long relationships with the people around me. When I met my girlfriend I had never heard of borderline, unfortunately. If I had known, I would probably have clearly recognized the symptoms through her stories about her past and how she tried to enter into a relationship with me. After I left my wife and lived with my girlfriend, it seemed like I had ended up in paradise. If it even exists, I thought I had really met my twin flame. After 1.5 years, her fear of separation came on so hard that she started behaving very differently. I then ended the relationship after 2 weeks. After that it seemed like she turned into a different person. Never experienced anything so scary. I always thought I had very good people skills. Many of my friends and family have always said that to me. The shock could therefore not have been greater for me. The 2nd love of my life turned out not to be the person I thought she was. I am now almost 58 and can say that I am normally a strong person, but this experience really made me depressed for 1.5 years. Now, 2 years after I ended the relationship, things are finally getting better for me.
Most of the time I just feel empty
from south africa
When I was a child I would always ask my dad if he loved me and it felt like he didn't respond on purpose to use that to control me.
I needed closure why the therapist not only didn't believe me but tried to convince me to kill myself and that my parents abusing me was just in my head because they gave me everything I could ever want, a car ext.
I used to think it was love in the beginning. Luckily for me, I knew the game. I realized I met her at a strip club, and she is a stripper(2mnths a yr only). She has daddy issues and is a narc. I stayed in the relationship because it was the closes i will get to ever having sex with a porn star. She was attractive and had a great body. But that's it. No connection. No real love, on/off feelings from her. Lying, deception, jealousy.
Recently, she started making comments that would suggest I needed to give her money to help her financially. That's where I drew the line. We didn't even live together or in the same country. I would have to do everything in that relationship. Travel to see her, pay for the trips we took together. She basically just came along for the ride. So to sum it up, this relationship was just sex, lust. The love stopped a long time ago. And without love, I couldn't deal with her toxicity and lies and probably cheating. I discarded her 2 months ago. I miss her beauty and the sex. But now, when I see her face, my body shuts down, my anxiety goes up and I just know I couldn't be with someone like that ever again. Respect and love yourself first. You can't cure these ppl. Let them deal with their own demons.
from south africa
Why when you go to a therapist and tell them about it they get angry at you and act like you are the problem?
What happens when you tell the borderline gf that you cannot see her, or deal with her anymore?
In my case? She seemed fine perfectly fine with it because she had been pushing me in that direction for a while and she sure had no problem hooking up with her one ex a few days later.
But when she saw me a month after that, she was telling me how she hated me because I abandoned her when she needed me the most and that she was still in love with me.
You can't put any reliability in anything these head cases say, because they don't have the first clue as to what goes through their own minds.
Im wondering if there's a personality type some type of codependent disorder of people who gravitate towards BPD partners.
Ive noticed my partners seem the same. In moments WAY before the drama (when the relationship is starting and your being love bombed) I can mark a moment when I had more then enough time to run for my life.. And could tell in minutes.. This person has BPD.
What I don't understand is why I keep gravitating to these types. Im basically in isolation mode now because for me the thought of a relationship is like voluntarily accepting to be destroyed.
It's almost like.. If I find somebody attracted to me.. I assume they're BPD by default. How to get off the train with out living in a cave? And away from these types in general. I don't like isolation honestly... But at least Im safe.
My relationships feel like some shitty play Im forced to re-enact over and over. Im done trying to save the hurt child my mom was. All I want now is Peace. Right now.. Isolation and it's about survival. Im not going to get accused or destroyed by my dog.. You know what I mean?
I remember one night.. I was 5 years old.. I heard screaming.. I walked in there.. And my mom decided she was pist at my Dad. So.... She decided to smash her fists and face into the mirror breaking the glass. And severely cutting herself. I go in there.. Im 5... And I get to be the therapist of this bloody nuts lady whos supposed to be my mom. Or one of my moms "lovers" decides to show up at my house and beat the living shit out of my Dad who was taking care of me... My mom would triangulate very dangerous people into our lives and my child hood was one of hiding under tables hoping they don't remember Im there.
So now I seek this in partners. And guess how it ends up? You can't save these people..> Save yourself.
🤗❤️🕊
Hello.
Hi!
Today I encountered my ex borderline gf, when we first met she told me she was bipolar, I'm bipolar II so i thought we would understand each other on the lows "winter, depression" and on the good moments "spring and summer, hypomania", sleep problems etc, but as the relation advanced i started to see a person with very rapid changes in moods that where not related to sleep or weather, episodes that lasted less than 24hs but where very intense, despite the lithium and lamotrigine she still is violent, she is a wonderful, smart and nice person when she is not triggered and that is the reason why i held on for so long, she dumped me 3 times for stupid reasons "1st time she accused me of being mansplaining, 2 doing love bombing. 3 of being narcissistic " and then she always comes back weeks later and everything started over like a reset when the relation advanced and become more serious a fight always appeared randomly. I spent so much energy on her and got discarded for no reason, I went so far as to give he 45-minute massage in her bed so she would fall asleep and then I would leave her apartment silently so she wouldn't feel abandoned, I did that for days... I forgave her for producing content for onlyfans..- but nothing was enough!!! Today I crossed her while I was running, and she said hello I said hello.. and said hey come for chatting... I said no I have to keep running, she got on her bike and we ended up chatting, she asked me why I didn't replied a WhatsApp message and to make it short she told me that she regretted the year that we spent together and was her worst year ever, and that I had no empathy for no replying the message, but i had no obligation to reply because we had already ended the relationship, so she expected me to keep serving her. I asked her you are a borderline and why she didn't tell me in the beginning, and she started to cry.
I always expected some feedback from the break ups, like yes I treated you badly for no reason I'm sorry, I wanna change, I like to be with you, forgive me....
From my part I know that i'm not perfect I'm bipolar but always say apologies and feel responsible for my acts, but she never did and hid from me the fact that she is borderline and not bipolar, so i feel really depressed because i really like the nice side of her and some parts of the dark side too, but we would never function as a couple because when I'm on the lows she see abandonment and when I'm on the highs she fears that i would leave because I'm energetic and confident, she would try to bring me down from that state because inside his mind she thinks i would leave her. WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.