You may also find this video helpful, it describes how we take turns when working on a group activity in our classroom. This simple strategy works with siblings as well! ruclips.net/video/dd76y2z9tac/видео.html
This is AMAZING. I really appreciate your sharing this wisdom. Cultivating sharing as it is ACTUALLY DONE as adults (mostly). I have a three year old and a barely one year old. Life is exciting!
Hi thanks for stopping by I am glad you found this video! Please share your comments, questions and any tips you have for encouraging your toddler to share.
Thank you for this video. any tips for this kind of scenario? We went outside to the playground, my son who just became 2 rides his toddler car and then goes for the swings. After a few minutes swinging, there comes a mom and a toddler, the toddler grabs the car and mom doesn’t even ask for permission. My son starts crying, well obviously! Its a stranger that just grabs his car. So we tell them he doesn’t want to share and the mom struggles with her screaming toddler. How can we make this a learning experience for all parties? For me as an adult, I wouldn’t want to share with a stranger either and don’t expect my son to share at that moment either. Should sharing be “taught” only with familiar/ friends at playdates? Thanks!
How do I start a 2 year old with sharing? My 1yr old cousin had toys trucks in front of him, when my 2yr old nephew came home and decided that he wanted all the toy trucks for him self. The 2yr old didn't want to play with the 1yr old, kept away from the 1yr old. I wanted the 2yr old to play with the 1yr old. How could I have helped achieve this??
In that case the adult of the two year old really needs to set the expectations for sharing toys ahead of time. "When our friends (including cousins!) come over we let them use our toys." This is a family expectation. A two year old should not be expected to give up a toy they are actively using but rather let the one year old use any toys they are not. If there are very special items the two year old should be allowed to put them up high if there is fear that they could actually be broken by a younger child. When the two year old becomes upset they need to be reminded that "Our family lets guests use our toys." Depending on the exact age of the two year old the cousins might more be playing next to each other than playing "with" each other. Hope that helps!
Love the way you break this down. I couldn't agree more. I don't want myself or other parents intervening when children are playing. However, what is the best approach when one kid keeps taking away toys from other kids? I believe the kids will work it out on their own and the snatching kid will eventually learn when he realizes none of the other kids want to play with him, but what if that kid is 3 and the other kids are 2? Is there a point where parents need to intevine, and if so, how? Thank you!
"Snatching" is pretty common among toddlers and young preschoolers. The two common reasons are A. the child simply really wants the item and is learning impulse control or B. they want to interact with the other child and "snatching" is a way to get interaction. When a child takes a toy from another and the child is looking to the adult to help I ask "would you like help talking to______"? If they say yes then I give the child words such as "I'm using that" and show how to put their open hand out to receive the item. I also point out the child's facial expression so the other child can see it is not a fun game to snatch things. If the child doesn't listen I say "would you like to give it back to ___or should I". About 95% of the time the child chooses to give it back on their own. I do wait until a child looks to the adult for help and ask if they want help because often a child giving a firm strong response without adult intervention is more memorable for the child who is snatching. We also want to teach children how to speak up for themselves. Sorry for the late reply! Thanks for watching.
I have just discovered miss Julie and i love love the subtle humor in this video and it's filled with good info. I still have reservations that I'm trying to navigate through. What about teaching the toddler that it's not a big deal if someone takes their toy? That they can still play with that toy indirectly, if they grab another toy? I've noticed when kids play well together, that is what they do. Is this already determined by their temperment? Turn taking seems to lead into possessiveness, entitlement, and frustration for the toddler. Expecting a toddler to be patient, with another toddler learning to be patient, seems unrealistic. Idk I'm still doing research on how to approach this dilemma what do you think?
I would say that depends on the age of the toddler. Children over 18 months can definitely learn to wait until someone is done doing an activity, for example wait until the child is done doing a puzzle or slicing a banana before they do that activity. With loose toys boundaries are not so clear so taking a block away from another child in a play situation might not be such a big deal as there are plenty more blocks. Possessiveness does not develop, rather it disappears, with my students because they learn that everything is ours and we all get a chance to use it. And toddlers can be very patient, especially when there are other activity options for them.
I have a student who steals things that other kids have put down momentarily and refuses to give it back. For example, a kid is using scissors and puts it down to get some tape or something, then the kid will steal the pair of scissors. Every single time I explain to give it back because the original kid hadn't finished, they give it back and it ends in tears until she's ready to steal someone else's thing. But sometimes she will flat out refuse to give it back and start using it, by that time the victim kid will be really upset and I feel I need to forcefully take it back. Do you have any idea how I can approach the situation better? I don't like using force but it's my last resort and surely there has to be something better.
Thanks for watching and for the question. Firstly, make sure all the children understand what constitutes "in use". It is an abstract thing when the other child is not holding an object but is indeed still "using it". This is especially true with young children who have not yet developed theory of mind. If it is a group setting/learning experience where children are all at a table at once, designate a spot children put the tools when they are finished, such as a tray or other container. Then it will be clearer what is still being used when a child has to leave a table to get something else. Expect new habits like this to take time to learn. When a child takes something that is being used by another and the children are unable to resolve it peacefully I ask, "Do you want help talking to Rose about that?" Then I say "Rose, Luca is still using that. Would you like to give it back or shall I. " 97% of the time the child will give it back themselves. If not then I put out my open hand to receive the item and say "Okay then I will give it back." If the child will not release it (which is very rare) then I gently take it from the child. At this point the child has been given two acceptable choices and needs support making one, indeed their behavior is making the choice. When these situations are consistently handled this way then the children will come to expect this outcome and be very likely to just give the item back. If we spend a lot of time trying to convince/cajole a child into just giving it back themselves, without those choices, then things are more likely to escalate and result in the tears and hurt feelings. The key is to remain calm. This behavior should be expected when children are learning how to share and we must answer the question their behavior is asking in a firm yet loving way. Also, coach the children in resolving conflicts themselves, empower them to stand up and speak for themselves and ask for things back with an open hand rather than grabbing at people to retrieve the item, which can activate that reptile brain and make things worse. Hope that helps! You didn't mention the age you teach but I have found this approach effective with toddlers and preschoolers.
Hello! I'd appreciate your advice. We have a moms and babies group with babies from 8-12 months of age. If one baby is playing with a toy and another takes it from them, how should we respond? Is it age appropriate to follow the same principles as are in your video? Thanks so much! 🙏
Great question! My response would depend on how the child initially holding the toy responded. If the child trying to hang onto the toy and making unhappy noises while looking around for help, I would say something like "Oh would you like help getting your toy back?" and then say to the other child, very gently "Oh you like that toy, ____ is still playing with that, I will help you find another toy." Next retrieve the toy as gently as possible, return to first child and help other child find a different toy to play with. Often times babies will just move on or even enjoy the interaction and then no intervention is necessary. We only intervene to help a child solve the problem if the child behaves as if they have a problem! More important than what happens with the toy is to remember that the children are absorbing how we the adults deal with unpleasant situations! Thanks for watching, hope that helps!
Really informative video, so glad i found the channel :) What w'eve been having problems with recently is my daughter becoming pretty 'territorial' over any and everything; it doesn't even have to be a toy that she's playing with. For example we were at the library and one of her play mates picked up a random book off the shelf and my daughter got very upset saying "No mine!" and ran over to the other kid to try to take it. She did that with two other things throughout the day with objects that she wasn't using and weren't even hers. We hadn't experienced anything like this before so that's what prompted us to look for answers (glad we found you 😅) but do you have any advice on how to maybe handle situations like this in the future??
Thanks for watching and asking! Glad you found this video. My advice is when this happens, take a deep breath. Parenting in public is so hard sometimes! Then, calmly and in an even tone say something like "Oh you really like that book" (or whatever it is). That book is the library's, (everyone's, ours, theirs, etc) and this child is using it right now. When they are done we can have a turn. If your child grabs an item say "would you like to give it back or should I" and if you child doesn't choose then you say "okay I'll choose" and return the item. Remember it takes children a while to learn everything and all behavior is communication! Your child is asking "I like that, can I just take it?" Answer the question clearly and consistently and neural pathways will form in your child's brain and your child will learn about the concept of "public property" or property that belongs to someone else, etc. Sorry for the delayed response, please let me know if this helps!
@@MissJuliesMontessoriMinutes Thanks so much for the reponse. I can appreciate the importance of word choice! "choosing" to give the item back but giving them the oppurtunity first. I've found a lot of the times that after a brief explanation she really will choose to give the item back on her own 😅 Man i feel like as much as my little one is learning about the world; i'm still learning myself lol. Thank you so much again for your detailed response and all your great work on the channel!
Apparently my daughter is "Connie" in the first story. How do we get her to be more patient and take turns without any siblings to share with. She shares with us just not so much with other kids
Oh that can be tricky. It depends on her age. You can give "grace and courtesy" lessons and practice what it looks like to share toys, etc. As her world expands and she matures, most likely the skills she has sharing with you will be applied to future friendships too. Especially if the expectations of sharing are the type described in the video. Thanks for watching and commenting!
Narcissists can act exactly like that “friend” or “spouse” in the earring example. And guess what, making kids share will normalize narcissistic behavior (hence create victims and support personality disorders)
Exactly. Forcing children to give away something they aren't ready to be done with and calling it "sharing" does neither party involved any good. Thanks for sharing your insight.
You may also find this video helpful, it describes how we take turns when working on a group activity in our classroom. This simple strategy works with siblings as well! ruclips.net/video/dd76y2z9tac/видео.html
This is AMAZING. I really appreciate your sharing this wisdom. Cultivating sharing as it is ACTUALLY DONE as adults (mostly). I have a three year old and a barely one year old. Life is exciting!
Yes, it works so well this way, the challenge is getting other adults onboard sometimes!
Hi thanks for stopping by I am glad you found this video! Please share your comments, questions and any tips you have for encouraging your toddler to share.
Thank you for this video. any tips for this kind of scenario? We went outside to the playground, my son who just became 2 rides his toddler car and then goes for the swings. After a few minutes swinging, there comes a mom and a toddler, the toddler grabs the car and mom doesn’t even ask for permission. My son starts crying, well obviously! Its a stranger that just grabs his car. So we tell them he doesn’t want to share and the mom struggles with her screaming toddler. How can we make this a learning experience for all parties? For me as an adult, I wouldn’t want to share with a stranger either and don’t expect my son to share at that moment either.
Should sharing be “taught” only with familiar/ friends at playdates? Thanks!
Currently living through an economic recession... Thank you for your video.
Thank you for taking the time to make this video. 🙏
Thank you for taking the time to watch and comment!
Great 👍
Thank you! Cheers!
I really enjoyed watching this and your scenarios really made me laugh. Thank you!
Oh good! Glad you enjoy my humor :)
How do I start a 2 year old with sharing? My 1yr old cousin had toys trucks in front of him, when my 2yr old nephew came home and decided that he wanted all the toy trucks for him self. The 2yr old didn't want to play with the 1yr old, kept away from the 1yr old. I wanted the 2yr old to play with the 1yr old. How could I have helped achieve this??
In that case the adult of the two year old really needs to set the expectations for sharing toys ahead of time. "When our friends (including cousins!) come over we let them use our toys." This is a family expectation. A two year old should not be expected to give up a toy they are actively using but rather let the one year old use any toys they are not. If there are very special items the two year old should be allowed to put them up high if there is fear that they could actually be broken by a younger child.
When the two year old becomes upset they need to be reminded that "Our family lets guests use our toys." Depending on the exact age of the two year old the cousins might more be playing next to each other than playing "with" each other. Hope that helps!
Love the way you break this down. I couldn't agree more. I don't want myself or other parents intervening when children are playing. However, what is the best approach when one kid keeps taking away toys from other kids? I believe the kids will work it out on their own and the snatching kid will eventually learn when he realizes none of the other kids want to play with him, but what if that kid is 3 and the other kids are 2? Is there a point where parents need to intevine, and if so, how? Thank you!
"Snatching" is pretty common among toddlers and young preschoolers. The two common reasons are A. the child simply really wants the item and is learning impulse control or B. they want to interact with the other child and "snatching" is a way to get interaction. When a child takes a toy from another and the child is looking to the adult to help I ask "would you like help talking to______"? If they say yes then I give the child words such as "I'm using that" and show how to put their open hand out to receive the item. I also point out the child's facial expression so the other child can see it is not a fun game to snatch things. If the child doesn't listen I say "would you like to give it back to ___or should I". About 95% of the time the child chooses to give it back on their own. I do wait until a child looks to the adult for help and ask if they want help because often a child giving a firm strong response without adult intervention is more memorable for the child who is snatching. We also want to teach children how to speak up for themselves.
Sorry for the late reply! Thanks for watching.
I have just discovered miss Julie and i love love the subtle humor in this video and it's filled with good info.
I still have reservations that I'm trying to navigate through.
What about teaching the toddler that it's not a big deal if someone takes their toy? That they can still play with that toy indirectly, if they grab another toy? I've noticed when kids play well together, that is what they do. Is this already determined by their temperment? Turn taking seems to lead into possessiveness, entitlement, and frustration for the toddler. Expecting a toddler to be patient, with another toddler learning to be patient, seems unrealistic. Idk I'm still doing research on how to approach this dilemma what do you think?
I would say that depends on the age of the toddler. Children over 18 months can definitely learn to wait until someone is done doing an activity, for example wait until the child is done doing a puzzle or slicing a banana before they do that activity. With loose toys boundaries are not so clear so taking a block away from another child in a play situation might not be such a big deal as there are plenty more blocks. Possessiveness does not develop, rather it disappears, with my students because they learn that everything is ours and we all get a chance to use it. And toddlers can be very patient, especially when there are other activity options for them.
Hey this is really good
Thanks for saying so and thanks for taking the time to comment!
I have a student who steals things that other kids have put down momentarily and refuses to give it back. For example, a kid is using scissors and puts it down to get some tape or something, then the kid will steal the pair of scissors. Every single time I explain to give it back because the original kid hadn't finished, they give it back and it ends in tears until she's ready to steal someone else's thing. But sometimes she will flat out refuse to give it back and start using it, by that time the victim kid will be really upset and I feel I need to forcefully take it back.
Do you have any idea how I can approach the situation better? I don't like using force but it's my last resort and surely there has to be something better.
Thanks for watching and for the question. Firstly, make sure all the children understand what constitutes "in use". It is an abstract thing when the other child is not holding an object but is indeed still "using it". This is especially true with young children who have not yet developed theory of mind. If it is a group setting/learning experience where children are all at a table at once, designate a spot children put the tools when they are finished, such as a tray or other container. Then it will be clearer what is still being used when a child has to leave a table to get something else. Expect new habits like this to take time to learn.
When a child takes something that is being used by another and the children are unable to resolve it peacefully I ask, "Do you want help talking to Rose about that?" Then I say "Rose, Luca is still using that. Would you like to give it back or shall I. " 97% of the time the child will give it back themselves. If not then I put out my open hand to receive the item and say "Okay then I will give it back." If the child will not release it (which is very rare) then I gently take it from the child. At this point the child has been given two acceptable choices and needs support making one, indeed their behavior is making the choice. When these situations are consistently handled this way then the children will come to expect this outcome and be very likely to just give the item back. If we spend a lot of time trying to convince/cajole a child into just giving it back themselves, without those choices, then things are more likely to escalate and result in the tears and hurt feelings.
The key is to remain calm. This behavior should be expected when children are learning how to share and we must answer the question their behavior is asking in a firm yet loving way. Also, coach the children in resolving conflicts themselves, empower them to stand up and speak for themselves and ask for things back with an open hand rather than grabbing at people to retrieve the item, which can activate that reptile brain and make things worse.
Hope that helps! You didn't mention the age you teach but I have found this approach effective with toddlers and preschoolers.
❤
Thank you!
Hello! I'd appreciate your advice. We have a moms and babies group with babies from 8-12 months of age. If one baby is playing with a toy and another takes it from them, how should we respond? Is it age appropriate to follow the same principles as are in your video? Thanks so much! 🙏
Great question! My response would depend on how the child initially holding the toy responded. If the child trying to hang onto the toy and making unhappy noises while looking around for help, I would say something like "Oh would you like help getting your toy back?" and then say to the other child, very gently "Oh you like that toy, ____ is still playing with that, I will help you find another toy." Next retrieve the toy as gently as possible, return to first child and help other child find a different toy to play with. Often times babies will just move on or even enjoy the interaction and then no intervention is necessary.
We only intervene to help a child solve the problem if the child behaves as if they have a problem! More important than what happens with the toy is to remember that the children are absorbing how we the adults deal with unpleasant situations! Thanks for watching, hope that helps!
Really informative video, so glad i found the channel :)
What w'eve been having problems with recently is my daughter becoming pretty 'territorial' over any and everything; it doesn't even have to be a toy that she's playing with. For example we were at the library and one of her play mates picked up a random book off the shelf and my daughter got very upset saying "No mine!" and ran over to the other kid to try to take it. She did that with two other things throughout the day with objects that she wasn't using and weren't even hers.
We hadn't experienced anything like this before so that's what prompted us to look for answers (glad we found you 😅) but do you have any advice on how to maybe handle situations like this in the future??
Thanks for watching and asking! Glad you found this video.
My advice is when this happens, take a deep breath. Parenting in public is so hard sometimes! Then, calmly and in an even tone say something like "Oh you really like that book" (or whatever it is). That book is the library's, (everyone's, ours, theirs, etc) and this child is using it right now. When they are done we can have a turn. If your child grabs an item say "would you like to give it back or should I" and if you child doesn't choose then you say "okay I'll choose" and return the item.
Remember it takes children a while to learn everything and all behavior is communication! Your child is asking "I like that, can I just take it?" Answer the question clearly and consistently and neural pathways will form in your child's brain and your child will learn about the concept of "public property" or property that belongs to someone else, etc.
Sorry for the delayed response, please let me know if this helps!
@@MissJuliesMontessoriMinutes Thanks so much for the reponse. I can appreciate the importance of word choice! "choosing" to give the item back but giving them the oppurtunity first.
I've found a lot of the times that after a brief explanation she really will choose to give the item back on her own 😅
Man i feel like as much as my little one is learning about the world; i'm still learning myself lol. Thank you so much again for your detailed response and all your great work on the channel!
@@ThePinnacleSFA Cheers! Yes for educators and parents (the most important educators) learning/growing ourself is the most important step!
Apparently my daughter is "Connie" in the first story. How do we get her to be more patient and take turns without any siblings to share with. She shares with us just not so much with other kids
Oh that can be tricky. It depends on her age. You can give "grace and courtesy" lessons and practice what it looks like to share toys, etc. As her world expands and she matures, most likely the skills she has sharing with you will be applied to future friendships too. Especially if the expectations of sharing are the type described in the video. Thanks for watching and commenting!
Love the Raul example, I see it all the time. This is not a good lesson to teach children at all. Thank you for addressing that.
Thanks Latoya and thanks for watching. And you're welcome -super important!
Dam this video made me feel horrible for even googling this video😂😂😂😢😢😢😢
Oh dear, I hope not really horrible - but I think I know what you mean! Hope it was helpful!
Narcissists can act exactly like that “friend” or “spouse” in the earring example. And guess what, making kids share will normalize narcissistic behavior (hence create victims and support personality disorders)
Exactly. Forcing children to give away something they aren't ready to be done with and calling it "sharing" does neither party involved any good. Thanks for sharing your insight.
Solution is 6 mintues
Thanks for watching!
But you miss the humor before that