Death to "Black Love"(tm)
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- Опубликовано: 16 июн 2024
- The first 1,000 people to use this link will get a 1 month free trial of Skillshare: skl.sh/fdsignifier02221
"Black Love" as a concept has been around for decades as an aesthetic that black people aspire to when seeking out romantic partnerships. However, when you sit back and examine the concept of how we imagine black love, you realize the "black" part of it doesn't mean a whole lot. In fact, a lot of how we look at and define black love seems to be directly connected to an image of love that is completely pulled from frameworks that were never meant for black people.
In this video F.D examines the dangers and problems of accepting this framework uncritically and talks to various black couples about their experiences with love as well as shows like HBO's Love Live and Insecure as well and numerous pop culture happenings with intended goal of killing our concept of black love goals.
00:00 A word from A.J Signifier
03:50 Black Love really ain't it
11:10 Black Love and Gender Roles ain't it
33:26 Black Love and Growth ain't it
39:17 Black Love and Conflict ain't it
50:01 The Smith's might be on to something...(also ignore the typo)
55:48 Final Thoughts
Beat- Jobii, 404 Days of Christmas • Jobii - 404 Days of Ch...
Tee Noir- Polyamory, entanglements, and black love enterprise- • Polyamory, Entanglemen...
I know that if different people are not feeling this one for different reasons, then I've probably accomplished exactly what I was going for with this one.
Controversy is good for the algorithm
You can change video names and thumbnails btw
Great video bro. I'm glad I found your channel it's truly great.
This was a phenomenal video!
Great job on this one as always!
@@introprospector (looks at view metrics...)
Maybe in a week or two
"Love is not safe, in fact, it's the opposite of that. You share bills, a house, a bed... that person is a liability. They are uniquely positioned to hurt you, and you have to be okay with that"
This part really got me
The is nothing but the truth.
Some extremely necessary truth right there
Fuck that. All or none
"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to"
“While critics of black male-and-female relationships are correct when they call attention to intense levels of conflict, they tend to misunderstand the nature of that conflict. Most black women and men are not fighting because women want gender equality and men want male dominance. More often than not they are fighting because one party feels the other party has failed to fulfill the role they agreed to play.”
Excerpt From: Chapter 8, Doing the Work of Love. Bell Hooks. “We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity.” Apple Books.
Just wanted to drop this here for anyone that hasn't read this book. Felt relevant. RIP Bell Hooks.
This is literally so powerful.
Oof! I completely agree! that is exactly what my arguments with my spouse boil down to. also the fullfilment of expectations that we got from our own parents. “oh well my mom did it this way” it is hard to accept that you or your spouse cant be what you expected them to be
Yes!! Thank you for this quote, I actually came to the comment section to HIGHLY recommend "Salvation: Black People and Love", also by bell hooks. Everyone talks about All About Love but Black People and Love feels like it should be a required reading for all Black folks.
I like this quote but after reading more bell hooks idk if I can really look at any of her writing on black men the same anymore.
Some of the stuff she was writing about us was straight up KKK worthy.
@@kewoncrayton2309 like what? 🤨
I am very guilty of not actively loving my husband in our relationship. For years I made excuses, got defensive, even called him needy because to me being a good “wife” meant being a super mom, homemaker, & equal contributor to the marriage. Then one day he said something that opened my eyes and truly broke my heart. “Imagine every day walking into a beautiful home, sitting down to eat a delicious meal but feeling like you’re not wanted there?” I made a conscious effort to acknowledge and appreciate him, now it’s natural.
I mean if you don't love him maybe it's time to go
@@AC-ri2ph I mean... that's also an alternative. 😂
@@AC-ri2ph Or maybe it's not that she doesn't love him, sounds like they just have vastly different love languages.
Good for both of you, not everyone can make the sacrifices required to accomplish emotional changes through the production of time. What you have conditioned yourself to feel is easier said than done.
Well, I hope the two of you can find happiness even if it’s without one another, life is too short.
Black love for me is just black people being in love. Nothing more and nothing less. And like all love, it is nuanced, takes work, and comes in every form under the sun
One of the best comments I've seen for this video
thats what it is actually, but dumb people will think that its something else
I love this! Black love is also family, community, political action… Black love is free to be everything!! ❤️ Once we de-center romantic love we can see that Black love is so expansive!!
Its as simple as this
Absolutely! To me, a huge part of the struggle for black liberation is simply us finally being recognized as individual people of value, just like everyone else.
I've only ever seen "high value men" or "high value women" used in toxic, sexist spaces. Throw the whole concept away. People are valuable because they're people.
For real. I had a young man tell me he had no value when he was in his early 20s bc he had nothing to give financially and had no clout. Wtf
beautifully said. I wish more people accepted their human value as good enough and in many cases, exceeding our material concerns. We’ve been conned!
You should watch yugopniks video (a Yugoslavs leftist) on the commodification of love, it ties in very closely with this.
I’m asexual, and you calling out that romance isn’t the only way to have a happy fulfilling life, or even happy fulfilling relationships, is really absolutely massive. Amazing video, man. Absolutely nailed it.
I’m not asexual, even tho I thought I was for a time- but I honestly feel like it’s an %80 chance I won’t have a life partner due to my situation (disabled). so I’ve learned to really really appreciate and cultivate my relationship to my friends and family, and it’s extremely fulfilling. My sister said I’m like the glue keeping everyone together because instead of focusing on one partner, I’m spreading the love I have around to everyone I care about 🥰💕
@@leanmeanmenace1744 what do you get out of saying that? Nobody finna debate their sexuality or prove their sexuality to you😒🙄 weirdo.
@@junniebear49 everyone is either attracted to the opposite gender for the most part or sometimes the same sex.
@@leanmeanmenace1744 why do you think that
@@junniebear49 don't feed the troll lol. They know they're wrong. Or haven't lived in the real world yet.
Finally a video about Black relationships that isn't drenched in anti-blackness or misogynoir!! Also appreciated the fact that you had couples from different backgrounds and different relationships.
I agree 👍 💯
And no misandry
"misogynoir"? Is that misogyny of black women?
@@kalvarrik315 It's misogyny between black people. Noir means black in French.
@@sorafanchick no, it’s misogyny directed towards black women. It doesn’t matter who is doing it
I´m a white european teen who´s never been in a relationship, so I have no idea how this video reached me but I´m very grateful for it
same here 😭😭😭
@@samiheylol2293 one day you will
95% of this video is relevant to anybody who is interested in exploring long term relationships. The other 5% is a nice window into black culture but it’s not as important as the rest, IMO.
Sameeee
You searched interracial love, watched black music videos or said you would date a poc
I encourage everyone to actually WATCH & LISTEN before biting the clickbait. I've watched it on Nebula and without spoiling too much, I wanna commend how necessary it was for me aa a Black man engaged to a Black woman, to hear this. Without fueling the fire that is the ravishing the Black dating community, FD gave a charitable treatment to a very controversial concept. Big up ya self, Unc ✊🏿
Yeah sir...you need to go ahead and get them audible checks...I was very engaged during your dramatic reading 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
@@stephanie6676 he has an audio book?
@@stang9806 I don't think so, I'm saying he needs to read for audible
Yeah I really like the video and the different perspectives it comes from.
@@stephanie6676 yw
People tripping about the title forget how hard it is to have the algorithm bless you. FD is in the eyeballs game. Clickbait is part of the game...don't hate the player.
Right! Folks gotta pay bills. Make that algorithm work for YOU!!
The core video isn't impacted so FD needs to keep going 100% on that hustle
Agreed! Plus it's not false advertising, it relates to the subject matter in a real and substantive way. The title is a lil punchy and I can get down with that in 2022😊.
I immediately interpreted the title as meaning "let's deconstruct the concept of 'Black Love'" and NOT "Black love doesn't work" or "Black Love is bad."
Nuts to that. I think it wasn't clickbait at all. It's a very good title. Death to THE OLD version of black love. It's at the same time a love letter, an autopsy and a beacon of hope about black love. Artful titles are based.
As a lesbian, I applaud your efforts. I've sat back and watched "Black Love" enforce such toxic levels of gender roles and unrealistic aspirations of not just relationships, but socioeconomic status. As if the majority of Black people in America have access to these lifestyles required to live by these standards. Also the intense levels of misogyny embedded in Black love is wild.
I also feel like it comes from a very “evangelical Christian” lense of EVERYONE needing to be married and have babies when imo I feel like people forget how God uses various people in different ways… not everyone is born on the planet to be married or to bear children… Jesus and some of the apostles didn’t lmao so it’s weird that there’s so much emphasis towards younger people to find happiness in a career, marriage/family, material success alone when… that isn’t everyone’s calling and not everyone can have access to those things ESPECIALLY babies… some don’t want them and some cant even produce them lol just ignorance imo…
@@micahcook2408 are there like barely any non Christian black ppl in America? Not to be rude. I know most african Americans are Christian or atleast from a Christian family but do you guys not have Somali communities?
@@brrr7949 No, you’re not being rude! :) Most African American Slave ancestors were indoctrinated into Christianity. I’d have to do research and to see if any Sub-Saharan Africans (Non-North Africans) were practicing Christianity before that time, during and before the Slave trade. I want to say that there were Ethiopians who were/had been, even though Im pretty sure they were not a part of the Slave Trade.. but Id have to do my part in more research.
Regardless, there’s always been an admixture in African traditions (made during and before the Emancipation (for example, “Jumping the Broom”) and Christian ones.. But I’ve never seen any black christians, talk of the Old Yoruba Gods, etc. I’m guessing since also African Religions back before the Slave Trade were so diverse with the multitude of Gods and Goddesses and Worship in that vast Continent (iirc) that it’d probably be hard to know who and how to worship with people who may believe in something different than you? Idk but I’m also pretty sure that Trauma (from physical abuse, moral/mental verbal abuse, and fear), Rampant Displacement of their kin, and even perhaps religious disillusionment (like for example, “why are my prayers to Oshun not working?! Im so over believing!”) perhaps maybe led to Christian takeover of their own practices and beliefs... But that’s just my theory.
Now, this is broad but ever since then, in the late 20th century to now, there HAS been (and still is) an incoming re-emergence of African Religion worship, and even Kemetism (Egyptian Religion worship), here in the Americas (specifically North America) for a lot of black people. However, in places like Louisiana, there’s always been Africans (former slaves) to now African Americans, practicing Vodun/Voodoo.. some even mixing the witchcraft with Christianity. In South America, there’s always been a mix of Witchcraft and Catholicism/Christianity (Christo-witches/Santeria).
In terms of Islam/Somali Communities, to my knowledge, that started popping up in the 30s to 60s. Elijah Muhammad is who indoctrinated Malcom X (correct me if I’m wrong lol)! I want to say too that there were even Muslim (and Kemetic) Black Panthers in the 70s? But I’d have to recheck that; but to this day, there are Somali Communities/Islamic Churches everywhere in The U.S. (Idk about Canada or South America). There’s actually one (or two?) in my hometown!
@@brrr7949 However, I think Monogamy and Marriage has been heavily indoctrinated into most, if not all, religious practices (Occultic, Abrahamic, Pagan, etc.). Not to mention, you get financial benefits , on top of other benefits, within the Government for being a married individual… it’s the reason why the LGBT+ community advocated so hard for Gay Marriage. Before, if your partner died, you couldn’t hold a funeral, collect the body, see them in the hospital, buy a house together (I think you could but most could be discriminated against), nothing lmao…
@@micahcook2408 That’s interesting and I’ve definitely seen african american people on the internet spreading kemet and heavily identifying with Egypt, I’ve also been made aware of the voodoo stuff (idk how but yea I have some recollection of southern African Americans practicing voodoo and stuff). But I was just wondering because in London there’s a lot of black ppl but they’re not here cause they were brought has slaves. They’re here from either (and statistically most likely) their fam or themselves coming to the uk from sub Saharan african countries just to have better conditions (these are typically Ghanaians, Nigerians or Somalis they’re the most common ethnic groups of black ppl I know tend to be of) OR they’re Afro carribean and came here a few decades ago due to something called the wind rush generation (these ppl used to make up most of our black communities and have left a long lasting influence on not only black british ppl but also us asian and balkan and even ethnically English brits with their patois which is actually where most urban ‘british’ slang is originates). But yea what I see here is that since there are so many Somalis (and other muslim populations from outside sub Saharan Africa like morrocans, Pakistanis, turks etc) that even the non muslim background black ppl will commonly adopt Islam. I knew that obviously the african Americans of America (when i say african american I specifically mean those who were brought generations ago as slaves) are Christian (although I wasn’t as knowledgeable as to why this is until your comment so thanks) but I just wondered if non African american black ppl like Somalis had a substantial place in the US. This is also because I hear/see african Americans describe being black as going to church and dancing a certain way and eating certain foods which I understand (since most black ppl there are the aa’s who were brought as slaves and adopted modern aa culture) but I wondered about the amount of black people that don’t fit this and if they are accepted as a testament to the diversity of Africa or if they are denied as being black eg. ‘You’re not black enough’
I think as black person the older I get the more I realize that there ARE actually “black people like me” like dude, I genuinely gave up on dating black women soley because I thought and was constantly told by my own family and others that I wasn’t black enough. Now I’m like bro that’s a dumb ass mentality. I’m glad Black people are having open topics realizing that no we don’t have to just be black and die. We can be black and live.
I feel this comment so hard
There are so many black women who get told we are “not black enough”…the black community just pretend ps that kind of black woman doesn’t exist, for whatever reason
@@elegantempress1395 that’s sad because It sows seeds of a disgenuine nature in the relationship, like we don’t have to act “act hard” and pretend not to enjoy something because its considered “to white”. It should be two people getting to know eachother not two people tryin to impress eachother by how “black” or “hard” they are.
The whole thing of acting white is a form of sled hate that comes from anti blackness. Slavery really messed us up big time
This resonates with me a lot. As I'm looking for more serious relationships I talked to my father about struggling to find someone of my race to be with. He told me that when he was my age he struggled with the same things but ultimately did find my mother. So it doesn't matter to him who I end up with as long as they treat me right. It's easy to forget that "oreo" struggles can be intergenerational but they can be. It's never just you!
Thank you so much for showing the black gay couple because a lot of times I feel like we don't exist in the conversation of "black love." So it was refreshing to see a black gay couple that was married and has been together for a while. Thank you for that.
Yes ❤️
@Chloe That is true of the underlying ideas of black love. However, in recent years, proponents also often argue its merits on more "psychological" grounds (probably because it makes the whole "miscegenation-is-bad" aspect more covert and insidious): for example, that black love allows you to have a partner that understands your racial struggle better than a non-black one. In that regard, gay couples could have their say on the issue - except people standing for black love often have their own underlying issues about the nature of LGBT black folks, more often than not saying we're the byproduct of failures in Black households.
As a gay bottom because of these videos I use to believe that the best partner for me would be a white man because black men ain’t shit blah blah. Honestly, these people are so fucking antiblack. So fucking racist
@J P gonna be honest u make a piss poor troll
@Chloe so a black gay couple raising a black child are not a real family?? That sounds a bit dismissive of non biological families.
A lot of folks are toxic and mean af. And it’s all documented now. A lot of these relationship gurus come off like government plants to me. I am so thankful for my boyfriend.
Exactly! It gives Counter Intelligence Programming because I have never met black people who had these thoughts independently before the algorithm boosted these ideologies in timelines.
A lot of relationship guru’s have trauma and repressed feelings that they don’t want to tackle head on, so they masquerade it as “advice”.
@@Orianasama That’s a good point, times are changing fast
For real. Plants like a mothersucka. They don't even make sense. Just constantly taking out of the sides of their necks.
@@Orianasama
Facts. I was saying that exact thing the other day.
"This is how I'm proving my worth."
"You wanted me to be proud of you?"
"Yeah absolutely...And what I realized, is that I wasn't loving you in the way that you needed to be loved."
Damn, that hit hard.
EXCEPTIONAL!!!
I’m a fan of you both! The most in-depth and thought provoking content on YT! Your subscriber count just does NOT reflect the QUALITY of what you all offer… at all. Both are hidden gems
Tee gurl!!! I love your videos, when you coming back ? 😭❤️💔
Whats up Tee
Tee Mammy😍😍
All of the content in this video is why I HATE the entire Bachelor/Bachelorette series. Marriage, long term partnership is not a joke. It's some real shit that doesn't want a piece of you, it demands all of you. 10/10. This makes me want to go hug my wife.
Man, you are right.
Oh goodness me too. I'm so glad we out of all of this and have each other.
I'm a Black Psychiatrist and my Wife is a Black Clinical therapist and a college educatur. With all of our education and experiences, we have struggled though these type of issues for 3 years (and in couples therapy).
In this context I want to add that this video is magnificent and even essential viewing in opening up communication in relationships and accepting change, growth and one's own truth as well as the truth of your partner.
I was a fan of your work already, but this video and your treatment of any subject you put forward just blows my mind. Thank you, Brother.
Ugh you n ur wife r so needed !!! 🙏🏾
@@Once.A.Violet Thank you. I have so many patients and patient families proud to see an AA male professional but still face so much stigma to seeking counselling and support. I had to leave several churches because they put so much burden on people and their spiritual connection for uncontrollable life circumstances. I hope I and your family are well and blessed.
Have you not read Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving or To Have or to Be?
@@Dogen70 I have not read them, but I am aware of them and their philosophical and ideological basis. While my Residency program was (thankfully) psychotherapy heavy (half and half with empirical based practices and pharmacotherapy) we had a lot of psychoanalyst who had a Freudian base (which I don't support due to it's strict limitations, much like Fromm disapproved of Freud). U may not have cared to read all that, but you have opened up my interest to read these books. Thank you.
As a society we also put a huge amount of value on romantic relationships and often overlook the value in platonic ones. Being single does feel bad, that is, if you are constantly feeling inferior to those in romantic relationships.
I find my personal fulfillment and love through my close friends, which can be hard sometimes because when society doesn't validate you, you got to do it yourself.
And we put TOO MUCH value in “perfect” Disney fairytale love. Especially when it comes to Christian Black families.
I’ve come to realize that society seems to equate “being in a relationship” with “being successful”, and that’s such a low bar in my opinion. I’ve never felt like I NEEDED a significant other and I’ve always felt comfortable being single. I know the difference between wanting a relationship and needing it, and a lot of people tend to conflate the two, usually out of insecurity. I can’t romantically be with a person if I’m not in love with them, I can’t force chemistry when it’s not there. Being with someone I didn’t fully love would be more miserable for me than being alone. Although I’m currently in a long term relationship I know I’d be just as fine with my life if I was single. I just wish society would highlight the importance of feeling secure with oneself over having someone to hold hands with in public
@@C.U.N.Tahiti that's deep and perfectly makes sense, people mistake love and romantic relationship..but in fact most of the people are in a relationship for the wrong reasons..you should be able to live Alone..
@@fideletamo4292 thank u! I agree. I’ve known too many ppl, men and women, that acted like they could not exist without having a bf/gf. And as soon as one relationship ended they’d immediately hop into the next one. I noticed patterns like Most of them would stay in a toxic relationship until they found someone new to go to, which means they’d be actively cheating so that they didn’t have to go thru the scary transition of being single for ANY amount of time. They could just break up with flavor of the month #20 and go straight to #21. That’s not LOVE. It’s hardly a real relationship. It’s just emotionally using ppl and it’s kinda pathetic. And none of them seemed to have any kind of standards or “type” or even common ground, it was just whoever else was available to them. But how could u develop any kind of standards or particular interests when yr never single long enough to get to know yourself? I know exactly who I am and what I want, and what I won’t put up with. I enjoy having my own space and privacy. I’d never subject myself to misery just for the sake of having someone to tell me I’m pretty everyday. Sorry this is so long, I’m pretty passionate about this topic
@@C.U.N.Tahiti i don't Know why some people are so afraid of loneliness maybe because most of the people are extroverts? I don't blame people for wanting romantic relationship..but not AT every cost and romantic relationship are not equivalent to Real love..quality over quantity is what i believe in..unless you don't mind superficial relationships..
Watching this video just made me realize that as a woman who is making money while still able to not live within certain socio-racial-economic confines (I live outside of the U.S and currently earn a living that’s higher than the men/ folks around me) I’m able to experience love in a way I’ve never done before. When the need for someone to care for my needs financially is off the table, I’m actually able to receive love without compromising due to insecurity or lack. I don’t feel any type of way supporting those around me financially and at the same time Fully Respecting my partners, friends, community, etc. it has shown me such a genuine way of unconditional love that feels most fulfilling. I hope that makes sense…
It makes total sense. I think something to consider is men are taught to use money as a way to “make a woman act right”. I’ve noticed this idea where I live from a very young age, but when I questioned why we as women have to be ok with this, I was told that I would understand when I’m older. Long story short, the women who told me this are in miserable relationships to divorced because they couldn’t take this relationship dynamic anymore, and I still don’t understand nor do I want to. Imo, women should always have their own, so that they don’t fall into the trap of compromising their livelihood because the man is holding basic necessities over their head to get what he wants. Of course not all Lena we like this, I’m just speaking on what’s a norm in the ghetto af area I live in. Struggle love is so detrimental.
😊😊 pop😊
Abstaining has been a lifesaver. My 20s was filled with finding love in all the wrong ppl. Now I’m coasting and getting a greater understanding of me.
Sometimes it's simply good to be Alone..love is overrated as hell..
@@fideletamo4292 nah, it's still love. love is good. it's just internalized love.
@@Star-pl1xs self love is good but it's not romantic love..romantic love is still overrated tho...
@@fideletamo4292 facts
This is why as a 21 year old, I chose to avoid realtors hips until I'm ready. I don't like the idea of jumping from person to person. I prefer to work on myself before joining a relationship.
My foreign perspective is that a huge number of issues are economic. The US still has a servitude based economy. Lack of health care, childcare, maternity leave, paternity leave affect every facet of life. Then layer on that systemic racism and it's a miracle anyone can have a healthy relationship.
Same. As an African American, I feel that a lot of the extreme misogyny and grasping at gender roles is because of economic issues. These things are amorphous. But it’s easy to say if u were being a real man/real woman then everything would be ok
@@SailorSlay I do agree that many of our issues stem from our economic status but I don’t think you can blame economic status for misogyny considering it’s a system that has existed for hundreds of thousands of years all over the world, in many cultures and it’s a system where males thrive no matter their race or status. Rich men can oppress rich women, homeless men can oppress homeless women, white men can oppress white women, black men can oppress black women and you get the gist lol. I just think it’s weird to blame the economy for this as if it’s just a class thing and not an attack on women in general.
It also takes away all accountability from poor misogynists.
For the most part you are right.
When you were talking about the "agreed need to dismantle white supremacy, but our ringing endorsement of white patriarchal frameworks for how we form our partnerships," I, uh, had some flashbacks of my family in India. The adults in my life were all born right on the cusp--just before or just after--South Asia finally ejected the European colonizers, and from my vantage, their values are post-revolutionary cognitive dissonance to the max. While the plights of Black Americans and Indians in India are very different, the internalization of centuries of racialized violence in the service of dehumanizing capitalist exploitation does seem to rhyme. And yeah, like you said, they're REALLY, confidently, proudly into it, and they aren't seeing the irony or the flaws in treating their loved ones like that. My mom used to joke that she was an "equal opportunity" hater, but now I realize she was upholding white supremacy while also struggling against it. She was teaching me to both hate myself and to be independent at the same time.
Anyway, I could listen to those couples talk for HOURS... just so much wisdom. Thank you so much for including queer couples, trans/nonbinary folks, interracial & multiracial families, poly arrangements, different age ranges and relationship durations, etc.
This resonated with me. Thank you 🙏🏼
Cool to see some Indian fans like me.
As a queer person, as soon as you said " black love only shows cis-het couples and how toxic that can be"i instantly liked the video!! I felt head and validated. For me i've never praised "black love" because the narrative made no sense to me. So just cus we're black it;s gonna work? Thanks for such a good video.
That sounds strange. What's the point of a relationship? We can argue that other sexual pairings are normal but only one is essential. Black love is to accept and value the nuance of Blackness and having that love manifest in positive, affirming relationships. Maybe it should be Love Black.
I love black love but I don't want to idolize no black couple to have it.
based
Can we just generally stop holding up an ideal for ANY culture and just start letting people experiment and be themselves?
My culture has been so policed, growing up as black, bi, (and now trans).
It gives such fierce burnout to have to placate people all the time
@@nukiradio we really need to ditch having expectations in groups like this. Just let people live, yknow
@@Tsukiru exactly, be with who you want.
See this is the problem you just can not let people get up and do whatever they want, it leads to self-destruction. We live in a society we have obligations with one another. I don't know how on earth do you get to be born a male or a female and just one day you decide that you want to change gender. It is so silly.
As a black woman, thank you for making this video.
For me the idea of black love never sat well with me espcially as the image is so one sided and pushed far more on black women then black men (which makes no sense from cis het lens) so it is really good to see someone validate my feelings on black love.
Human beings are all different so I never understood the one dimensional and capatalist the idea of love speicifically black love is and how no one ever talks about how hard finding, fostering and maintaining love is. So again thank you.
Blsck love is about being with someone who totally understands your struggle as a blsck woman. Someone from another race may not be able to understand the small nuances that you experience as a blsck woman. You want someone to understand why your boss passed on you for a promotion without you even saying a word. A blsck man needs a woman to understand why he got pulled over and harassed by the cops without him saying a word.
It’s all about that being important to you or not
@BwStopBirthingYourKangz i see you have a deep problem. That sounds like deep hate. You don’t have to do all that …just date who you want to date.
You are a dark person
@BwStopBirthingYourKangz I’m glad i was always decent looking with a great personality…because if I was like you I would probably hate ppl too.
You need to get in touch with God or Allah or something…you sound like a tormented soul …
@@inspectah2342 you’re missing the intersectionality of being both black and woman. Personally, I’ve had some non black men understand me better than black men, largely due to their willingness to listen and learn me. I just say this to say, there’s a huge misconception that only BM understand prejudice in the way we receive it, especially considering they can be similarly oppressive due to their patriarchal advantages. In other words, being black is not synonymous with being compassionate and empathetic. I want BW to steer away from this idea that they can only be truly and deeply loved by BM because of shared lineage. This is what I believe continues the cycle of BW almost exclusively dating BM regardless of how bad it gets, never allowing themselves to experience love elsewhere.
@@inspectah2342 Agreed
I have felt this so deeply for so long and felt like I couldn't articulate it less I lose my black card or be viewed as someone who isn't in support of black love. Relationships are complex and I look at my grandparents and they are not in love, they just tolerate each other. I hear my younger cousin talking about Black love and wanting a fine black man. She's 23 and I never know how to quite explain to her that love isnt solely about achieving that "instagram-able" happy destination" and that outward things dont guarantee the formula of never having problems . I'm happy someone peeped this false construct and how our community is suffering because of it. I feel less crazy! Thank you!
Yes you are correct…i know a bunch of ppl that won’t even consider a partner that doesn’t take great pictures.
thank you! Its almost like romanticization
On one hand we come from older generations that were made to feel less than or as if they couldn’t be loved because of the color of their skin. We imposed this positive message of black love amongst ourselves at the time to empower ourselves. However, we still existed in a time where gender roles were heavy and prevalent, so those same ideals exists for generations afterwards leading to the toxicity we’ve seen then and now. The ideology of black love can be great and empowering, but it’s just and ideology. Seeing past that and truly being one with your partner is what’s most important regardless of who you’re dating.
If you really want to get through to her, and to anyone on any issue, Rather than explaing things to her, try asking her about what she believes and why. Not in a interrogating way, and not in a way that implies an argument will come, but in a way that comes from a place of love. Why do you want X? What if you fell in love with someone different, what would that mean? What kinds of relationships do you think work? Why do you believe that? Where did you learn it from? These are all with the goal of both parties understanding why someone believes what they believe, and the process that got them there.
People who feel respected and like their thoughts matter are more likely to think critically, and the act of asking someone questions in a non combative environment will often force them to think about their beliefs out of a desire to express what they think clearly. When both parties have this deeper understanding of what they believe and why, and a sense of respect, only then can a real conversation happen about being critical of the reasons someone believes something and why.
@@KD-ou2np Hey I actually appreciate these questions. I often don't say anything when she is articulating what she thinks. I'm just listening but these questions are great and I will implement them next time, it may come up.
F.D. I avoided this video because I thought it was going to be full of negativity and just clickbait. I am glad I watched this video. One, I love the spectrum of relationships i.e. polyamorous, mixed raced, LGBTQIA+, young love. Two, I have been with my partner (white man) for 7 years (no kids…2dogs) and we are getting married next year. My partner and I watched this video and talked all night. Dare I say, we grew closer last night. Thank you for truly the thought provoking content. 💕💕
Huh how does being an interracial couple factor into black love. Black people aren’t allowed a space for anything.
I just found his channel and so far he’s batting a thousand with me. Definitely donating
As a young black woman, this video was great for me to see. This video taught me what love is actually like, whether my future partner is black or not.
As long as your future partner treat you right
He said it this supposed model for love doesn't even work for the white couples. I don't think the color matters we need to change the
dynamics ... period.
This is an odd comparison maybe, but this had all the heartwarming yet unyielding honesty of a Ghibli film. Completely different media but has left me with that same happy weepyness of feeling that I have just learned something good for the soul. I'm definitely gonna make my husband watch it with me!
Talking about how your partner changes over time and you love and accept them regardless really hit me hard.
I came out as a transgender man right before my 10th wedding anniversary. I didn't plan it. My husband has been my biggest supporter and helped me through my transition. And he was able to come out as bisexual and that helped him a lot.
When your partner is your best friend you can get through some really dramatic episodes and come out better for it.
I'm so happy for you&your husband. Hope u guys have a great day everyday
Wow, that's beautiful! I'm glad that you can grow together as people.
I think this is sweet, but there are limits. On a talk show a husband came out as a transgender woman, but the wife who is a straight b woman revived hate for getting a divorce. The wife said she still has love for her ex, but she did not want to hold him back, so she got a divorce so he could get with his now boyfriend, and he has equal custody of the children, yet this wasn’t good enough for the LGBTQ+ people watching because according to them she was supposed to stand by her ex. I think in your case it works, and I think it’s really good it did, but in some cases this isn’t feasible because the change is too much, or so unexpected the relationship isn’t salvageable.
@Tiahna Rodriguez I agree that some things are dealbreakers. And gender is one of those things. If someone's partner comes out as trans and wants to start transitioning and it's a gender that they're not attracted to, they have every right to not stay in that relationship. People have every right to end any relationship; no one should be pressured to stay in relationship that they're not happy with. I hope that the break-up could be amicable and wish each other the best, but I hope that for every break-up.
I had to reckon with this idea of black love personally when I learned my dad cheated on my mom. After he did that it just made me see him differently and weirdly my mom for accepting him when he never explained why he did it. I had to wrestle with the idea of what black love is and what it means to me.
Molly's storyline.
@@NoBriarRose i was thinking this too!
@@NoBriarRose yes!
Rough
How your father cheating makes black love impossible? People from all races cheat right?
I've never known how to feel about "black love". It felt like a weird thing being put upon me. I look at my parents and I'm confused as to why people get married, or why they stay married. They're toxic, they don't seem happy. I want them to get divorced, but I've never been in a relationship--serious or otherwise--what do I know?
Idk, it's hard for me to be vulnerable and relationships are all about that. sometimes I wonder if romance is even for me, if I'm aromantic or just simply traumatized. Maybe it's because of my parents that I feel this need to become a "high value person" before even thinking about dating. because who'd love me in my imperfect and flawed state?
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thanks for your honesty. That last line hit hard
Love is processing and talking about your flaws and being vulnerable with another person. And it’s also something you don’t need to participate in. Maybe you’re on the Ace spectrum. Maybe your not, and it’s all okay.
Literally been reprogramming my brain, telling myself that I’m good and complete as I am now. Reading that last line makes me believe this is pinging in a lot of our heads.
It's a crock. Some of this was odd. He says black people, when BM should be said. They are the ones telling the world how much they date out.
This is so sooooooo vital. Where the Black Lesbian love stories at? All Black people deserve love and partnership without being scrutinized for not subscribing to a very limiting and often harmful depiction of what love is. I’m grateful to know what love can be as a Black woman❤️
Well, no. Nobody deserves love, sadly.
@@bigfellamike1913 some do, and some don’t. people choose and are obliged to be shitty, doesn’t mean everyone else has to go down with them ig
It’s because straight is normal
🎣
White supremacist frameworks aren't good for white folks either. Breaking ALL the shackles with this one! So appreciative of the validation here!
And Fiq has successfully killed Black Love right after Hip Hop. Anime next on his hitlist.
I draw the line at Anime 🤪
And then wrestling
No not anime please 🥺
I don’t think we’re lucky enough for him to take out anime
Hip hop definitely killed the blsck community as a whole. Gangster , drill, and trap should be banned
For those of us who aren’t actively prioritizing coupledom
BECAUSE of how much work it requires and our focus being more on self actualization and cultivation of ease (where realistic). Thanks for the shoutout, because When I vocalize being ambivalent towards relationship seeking, folks look at me as though I grew a third eye. 🤣🤣
Right they feel like it's a personal attack on them when it's just us being aware that we would not do good in those relationships.
Did not knew "coupledom" is an actually word tnx for that
I spent YEARS in this mindset, and it only made the relationship I eventually found that much BETTER. There is no rush, learn who YOU ARE first.
In a way you did grow a third eye. It's helping you see the truth lol.
I'm always telling my friends not to romanticize romantic relationships. Everyone that has a couple they consider "goals" would run at the first sight of a really serious argument/impass/challenge the "goals" couple faces.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I suppose what people don’t like is people who don’t want coupledom yet actively demand the perks attached to it like financial and emotional support, children and even to a certain extent respect. What we see is people refusing the labels, refusing the contract yet wanting the payout. It can’t work.
My parents were together for a couple months casually dating and broke up before I was born. When I was a kid growing up I had a lot of issues with my father, but my mom made sure he was in my life. But I never had a lack of a father figure though, as my step dad (the man who even delivered me during birth) was always there for me and was everything I could’ve ever wanted in a male role model. Even though I wished to be in a normal nuclear family growing up, I always understood that if my birth parents stayed together I would’ve been in a very toxic environment. My mom and step dad had and still have the healthiest relationship I have ever seen, and they didn’t marry until I was in 3rd grade and they had my brother together. Marriage is a beautiful thing if it’s healthy, but it is not necessary for a healthy relationship. People feel forced into marriage and it often is seen as a fix to a toxic relationship but it only makes it worse. I’ve never understood this perspective
This video has convinced me that your relationships are what you make them to be. No online personality can give you the keys, tips or tricks to what will work for you and your loved one. Thank you for providing a much needed realistic view of love and romantic relationships/partnerships.
Mhm!
Faccccccts!
Thought that would be common sense for most? Smh.
Black love to me is everything i witnessed in this video. Its battles, challenges, disagreements, separations, reconnections, forgiveness, strength, weakness, vulnerability. Its everything. Black love is just love, and we deserve to allow each other to feel the full range of that part of our humanity.
Love is Love it has no color.
When we mention black love; it isn't to state that there is no other love. It's more so in reference to the relationship between black women And black men(or any sexual variation of the two ), and outlooks and beliefs about love. It's a conversation piece for us by us.
True, love is the same everywhere under the Sun..it's about connexion, commitment, respect, compassion, happiness..it's not that deep..
@John T love is a Universal feeling and reality , it happens between persons from same and different races..there's no difference between 2 black people in love and 2 white people in love or interracial love, it's the same feeling, same reality..
Battles? This is very unhealthy
Real talk if you think the title is clickbait... did you get the video?
There are quotations around the phrase "black love." That punctuation makes the direction the video will take clear.
I didn't think it was clickbait but several people say that in the comments.
16:14 From experience as a cishet Latino, I can tell Marcus is beginning to develop feelings of apathy (and not just because Signifier said it out loud). I didn't experience this apathy in a romantic relationship, but that didn't stop me from feeling dumped and useless when I suffer failures to become "worth the sacrifice" that is common in immigrant families. Marcus thought, "Maybe I am a little boy;" while I thought, "Maybe I am a failure/lazy/stupid." I think it's scary how quickly immigrant families can adopt the aspirations and habits of American culture despite pretending or trying to criticize it. Ultimately, patriarchy can be more damaging to those who attempt to separate themselves from it than those who adhere and reinforce it, because those people are exactly what the patriarchy seeks to oppress.
Love doesn't die in only just romantic relationships.
I cried watching this. Thank you for taking the time to build this ode to genuine black relationships and not this Branded illusion that is "black love"
As a BW I was never interested in the idea of 'black love'. But I was always obesses with idea of 'love' in general and what it would look like... I'm only 26 but I learnt very very quickly that my idea of what love is doesn't translate very well to reality and it wasn't what I actually wanted. Alot of the point some of the couples made were realizations that I had around 4-5year ago.. yea at 22 but that's because I experimented alot with different types of relationships, different types of love, and dealt with people in different stages of their lives, in a very short period of time. Still not perfect but let's see what the future holds.
Love this comment. I was obsessed with the idea of what love is and am learning more nowadays
Ngl, this feels like something I'll experience in the future. 😂
It’s not a very high level philosophy, but the “5 love languages” really made a big impact on my relationships. Understanding how I love and how others love, and needing to give love in their language.
Nice content as usual.
As basic as it may seem, that book has been highly impactful in my marriage. It was all the more interesting to do the assessment 10 years later to learn that both of our love languages had changed over the years. Can't recommend this book enough!
Shoot, even just reading a SUMMARY of love languages changed my relationship so much. All of a sudden I understood why we weren't feeling the love we were giving eachother. All of a sudden I felt the love she'd been giving me all along, and she understood that my contributions were my attemp at expressing love.
Not to mention how it taught us to express love to eachother in the ways we'd been craving and missing. And how that then grew my ability to receive different kind of albums.
Also, discussing the concept helped us open up to eachother more in general, not just in terms of how we express and experience love. It was like an icebreaker but for emotions and love.
The podcast If Books Could Kill actually just released an episode on that book, where they deconstructed the original version of it (which was super misogynistic 😅). I do think that the framework of understanding that other people don't think the same way you do is a good one though
What I love is that this self made billionaire of a woman decided when she was ready to be a mother and a mate. Its beautiful to be free to control your life uniquely
What about the kid tho
@@isbalella The kid was planned, and actually wanted. Not the result of an accident, or because the parents were pushed to have children. The kid will be loved and know it. That's the best start anyone could have.
@@ElliciaDawn This! That's honestly more than can be said for most people regarding the circumstances under which they are born.
To a playboy rapper LOL
@blackpilledchad1927 Wait. So are women supposed to be with rich men and be called gold diggers or poorer men and still be dragged? Which is it???
This video felt like the first step of examining your own flaws and healing regarding black love. I went down the whole toxic expectations and anti black road of dating/femininity coaches. Once I came out the other side, I realized I didn't and still don't even really know what healthy black love looks like. That made me sad.
The first step to understanding Blsck love is understanding the blsck struggle
@@inspectah2342 so, struggle love?
@@preciouslizzie naw understanding slavery ended in 1864-65. That wasn’t too long ago
He did not just call his wife a Tsundere. Hahahah I cannot
Holy shit Senpai noticed my comment.
Man this was a really helpful video. I'm Puerto Rican and culturally there is so much pressure to exist as a provider to the family or be seen as a worthless bum. That pressure has led me down so many dark periods in my life, and I'm not even 25 yet. It kind of sheds to light what works in my current long term relationship while SIMULTANEOUSLY helping me fully realize that we are not ready for the type of partnership a marriage requires, even though we're fully in love with each other and our conflict resolution has improved considerably since the beginning. There is still so much I need to process in my own sense of masculinity before I am willing to love my partner in a way that is fair and empathetic to them, and that's okay! If it's going to happen, it's going to happen in its own time.
For my men out there, know that allowing yourself to feel scared and insecure and process your trauma IS your real source of strength. Love ya'll
That's great. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
My dad had very little education and retired as a blue collar worker who loved his wife and 10 kids. I as a BW felt so much love ❤️ and protection from my dad . I measure BM suitors by this . It’s never really been about the money you bring but the character and heart 💜 of the man . That is why I am single . The character is off . I also look for leadership qualities in a man . You don’t have to be a CEO to exude leadership qualities. My dad worked a full time job and when the company would lay off or they go on union strikes my dad was a barber and landscaper. He always was 2 steps ahead of the game to provide for his black family. I’m sure he was under a lot of pressure but he didn’t bail he didn’t get bitter and I want a man just like my father
"Instead of trauma bonding, we've tried to evolve together" 💯
I think once a man or woman finds "their person", one of the first things that can happen, is that they start unpacking buried trauma, perhaps having found that person they can trust implicitly, blindly, unconditionally. And it's often a two way street.
That having been said, that doesn't need to remain the relationship basis! As the young man said, evolving together is much healthier and productive than a trauma bond. That ability to trust, respect, and grow together bodes well for any love relationship.
Also. Hot take, maybe unpopular opinion, but, I disagree that relationships intrinsically "take a lot of hard work." When it's right, it feels almost seemless. Easy as falling. Not to say that issues won't arise; that's not realistic. But working together to get past speed bumps doesn't need to feel like "hard work." The only time I've seen this is when one person is much more highly invested in the partnership. If both people are All In, it comes naturally.
Watched this over on Nebula. That "Tsundere Confirmed" at the end killed me. What a man of culture. What a couple of culture. XD
The only part I disagree with is the part about Will & Jada promoting their marriage as a traditional. I'm old enough to remember when they first got engaged and they gave several interviews where they were VERY clear about having an open relationship and continuing to have one after they got married. It was never just a rumor. Most who are just now being shocked by it are either too young to remember, weren't paying attention, or didn't want to believe them when they said it.
They never very clear. Never. Those mature enough can read between the lines.
53:26 “Long-term partnership only works on the agreed condition that you stay committed to staying in that partnership. And that may mean changing the nature of what that partnership looks like. If you ask me, love is in the conditional agreement. Cus you have to love a person truly to love them in all the different ways in which they might exist over a long enough timeline.”
There are so many gems in this video. Overall, I think this is the best thesis statement. I know that Fiq is addressing a lot of Black culture, Black viewpoints and celebrities that are unique to his perspective. However, there are so many universal talking points from different straight/queer/polyamorous people in this conversation that I resonated with so much, I’ll probably timestamp the ones I found and will edit this comment.
Fantastic video, I think it’s your best one yet. Thank you for blessing us again F.D
EDIT:
17:35 “Equality is a thing. Regardless of what body part you got, equality is a thing. And, you know, I just try to make it as equal as possible while also not compromising my ideologies too.”
24:18 “If you’re making a choice about your own willingness to heal alongside someone or your willingness to heal alone, both of those have to be done in the context of self-compassion. And when you offer yourself compassion, then you’re better able to stop evaluating people out of this lens of perfection.”
46:02 “But both of these moments - the ones you see and the ones you don’t - are a part of our partnership and our love story. A.J said in the conversation that I didn’t catch on film that few of us have ever seen a couple walk through a valley together successfully. We only usually see the aftermath.”
48:23 “You have to keep constantly communicating about everything. About things that are bothering you, about things that are bringing you joy in your life, about things that you want to do, things or places that you want to go, careers, kids, family dynamics, all of that stuff. You always have to constantly talk about these things. But if you’re constantly communicating, you can identify those things earlier and you can either work with it, work around it, or be more involved in it so that’s it not somebody so much moving away or going in a different direction as the family is moving in a different direction. It kind of course-corrects itself.”
57:42 “There are so many ways to manifest fulfilling lives in relationships that don’t hinge on partnering in the tradition sense.”
58:14 “It is my personal belief that when you focus on personal development and pursuing passions and self-improvement, that that’s one of the best ways to align yourself with potential partners who’ll we value as, as oppose to drains your energy.”
Only negative thing I have, is the building anxiety from knowing I’m finally almost caught up with your content. I’ve been loving video essays lately, and coming across your channel was a major W. Thank you
Same 😭
Growing up my parents never really focused on my being with another Black person. They mostly focused on our faith and character. I think the idea of idealizing one kind of relationship can be really toxic and while some of the dating spaces can be fascinating to listen to, I find it very VERY harmful to demonize the "other side." Even if I don't marry a Black man... the way some diversters speak about Black men makes me nauseous. Like damn... you're speaking about my literal and figurative brother! We cannot pretend that there is no hardship for Black men. And while I think being open minded about love could be very helpful for Black women, to literally condemn Black men to an eternity in "Blackistan" where nothing good ever happens is harmful. My potential future son will at the very least be half Black I can't cosign rhetoric that will condemn him not matter how the odds are stacked against him.
Yeah it’s rough out there I just caution people to not engage with that side of RUclips, but the algorithm knows when a black person is searching on RUclips so if you’re searching for black content eventually you will run into the divester/manosphere content. Inevitable.
The divest community is just as anti-black as the manosphere, whether or not they’ll admit it. In the name of “changing the narrative” around Black women, they condemn any Black women who they view are damaging the perception of Black women as a whole (i.e. fat, trans, non-feminine, etc.) I’m so ready for the day RUclips stops pushing those types alongside positive/educational Black creators
The Black “Red Pill” and “Pink Pill” channels do nothing but regurgitate white supremacist talking points.
Divestors are white supremacist like the Black male red pill folks. Both are so disgusting and anti-BLK. I stopped taking both seriously.
@@NIKO-gr7vc They promote white feminity and white feminism as well. And demonize Black African cultures.
My main takeaway from this is that AJ Signifier is awesome.
Finding, editing, and sharing all these different viewpoints made this video feel really special. Amazing work and thank you to everyone who you got to appear.
I've rewritten this a bunch of time but basically my main gut feeling is that I'm super happy as a black queer man in these specific conversations because I feel like I was spared the weight of expectation of heteronormativity. Especially as black man with black (cishet) siblings who both married black women and both had marriages failed. Unfortunately they both hold some toxic ideas about women and relationships so IDK what the difference may be but again just feel like being gay is a bonus here.
Also I appreciate how both you and your partner interact , its familiar and humanizing and relatable (especiallllly when she walked away when you asked about Lawrence lolol) I also appreciate the range of black couples you featured. This was a great video.
I love that u included both monogomous and polyamorous couples in the interviews!
I appreciate you showing different perspectives. I saw a TikTok recently of a black woman saying a guy she had been seeing a couple of weeks was a red flag because when she pulled up to the gas station, he didn’t get out to pump her gas. And proceeded to encompass all black women as having Acts of Service as a love language. And all of these women were in the comments emphasizing that this is what fits all black women. And I just didn’t agree. Acts of Service isn’t my love language. I never think twice about pumping my own gas or picking up a pack of water to put in my grocery cart. Or paying to get my nails done. And it’s so weird that these specific actions are what so many feel is make or break to every black woman.
What is wrong with people acts of service means different things for differnt people also, do they want a servant or a partner wtf?
I also think people believe the love lang of giving gifts is the base line for hypergamy and black love when not everyone cares for it, which I why I dont f with levelling up videos anymore.
What is wrong with people acts of service means different things for differnt people also, do they want a servant or a partner wtf?
I also think people believe the love lang of giving gifts is the base line for hypergamy and black love when not everyone cares for it, which I why I dont f with levelling up videos anymore.
This notion that a woman in a relationship shouldn’t have to pump her own gas is held by many men and women of ALL races.
I’m typing this from Africa and even here men are the ones who get out to pump gas. It’s not about just acts of service, it’s the same reason men are one taking the trash out or fixing plumbing when it breaks. There is belief that men are the ones who deal with fixing things and dirty things. If I’m driving you somewhere, the least you can do is get the pump when we get gas.
@@rouskeycarpel1436 sure… but the video is specifically about black love. And her TikTok video was about black women. So I’m staying on topic,
This video is what men and women need to hear to help make better decisions in dating and better understanding on long-term relationships. I believe you and your videos like this can change our community and the way we look at each other.
I love how you hit on issues on both bm and bw, and the lack of understanding we have on both ends for the opposite. You really hit on the fact it's not just one sex thats causing the lack of marriages or the fails of a marriage. It's the lack of understanding long-term relationships in all of us.
I have watch so many manosphere videos and read so many comments and honestly started believing that bm just don't want us. In real life I have married couples all around me making it work, from my elders that's been married for 20,30, 4yrs to my friends that's been married for 1,5,8yrs. Alot of people think it's a 1size fits all but it's not.
I don't just want to marry a man so he can pay bills and protect me. I want to marry a man that truly makes me happy and I truly make him happy. Since I'm not married I don't know what that looks like right now but when I have it I'm more that willing to adjust to whatever situations that may occur with him.
This video is a milestone in the progression of thinking around fulfillment and love. It's a sobering repudiation of the false ideals of love, an affirmation of loving committed relationships, and a worthwhile glimpse into the work it takes to build them. Oh so needed in this space at this time!
This was so timely and necessary. It is disappointing that those who have not grown in their thinking and relationship with their partners are the ones leading this black love space online. These people are immature and so their understanding of relationship dynamics are similar to that of the young people who follow them. It is not a harmless space since they encourage transactional relationships over more meaningful and substantive relationships.
I know!!!! Racist self haters
And these are grown ass adults, which is even sadder. Everyone’s relationship is different. I personally don’t feel comfortable having a man pay for everything. You know how many ppl tell me my partner isn’t a real man because he splits the bills with me? It’s ridiculous. How is someone in their 20’s making less than 6 figures suppose to pay for everything? Being in a relationship is about growing together and building a life with someone. A lot of ppl don’t even want that anymore. Everyone wants to act like they’re a prize to be won, and their partner needs to cater to them for just being with them. All I see is a bunch of delusional singles, who are going to continue to be single if they don’t grow tf up.
@@bigbettybloom9107 being in a MARRIAGE is about BUILDING TOGETHER not BOYFRIEND GIRLFRIEND! He is using you to go 50/50 Yall shouldn't be playing house💔 That always only works in the mans favor will you waste away
@@submissiveproviderstboth9485 stop with your bullcrap lol, not every woman want to be useless and treated like a kid...
I’ve been watching your content for almost a year now and I really just wanna say how awesome it is to see a CAU grad putting out this kind of culture focused and curated content! As a humanities major at the same institution, I see all of the teachings of HBCU professors and intellectuals (and not just DuBois!!!) You are the embodiment of a tradition so powerful and unique. You inspire so many like you!! Thank you for your gifts and hard work. Have a wonderful black history month!
Sincerely,
A Soon To Be CAU Grad of ‘22
SAy WHAAA... I didn't know he was an AU kid
@@Dogen70 yeah! If you look at the cup in the backfield of previous videos you’ll see the CAU insignia on it. And at the beginning of this video, he and his partner are both wearing masks with the CAU logo on it. I assume she’s also CAU affiliated. We’re everywhere! :)
@@saleanac.6852 Heyyyyy fellow Panther! I didn’t know he went to Clark! Makes me appreciate @F. D Signifier even more! Yup I’m biased 😁 CAU C/O ‘95
@@LBoogie49 Panther Priiiiide ❤️
Your comment section is filled with bright and intelligent people and i love you and your content for bringing up these ideas and giving people a place to share these ideas.
Bruh man...I can't thank you enough for putting this together!! You put words to ideas and realities I've been trying to deconstruct within myself for awhile, before going into a relationship!! This was PHENOMENAL!!
"She's a completely different woman today at 37 than the one I met when she was 19. As am I"
Fiq's coming out story in 2022. So brave!
🤣🤣🤣
Bro how is Fiq so connected to all these people from different walks of life. Dude is like the Nick Fury of inclusivity.
I'm new to this channel, and I thoroughly enjoyed the integrity, compassion, and authenticity put into this video. I hate I started watching it before my husband, but now I'm waiting for him to finish so we can discuss. THIS is more of what's needed. I appreciate this 💕
You did it AGAIN man! I'm in a loving interracial-internationality relationship and I really loved the fact that you included people of different races and sexualities. Love is such a complicated and amazing mode, action, and thought process; you're the only content creator I trust to speak about holistically
Why are you loving that. We complain about ppl invading black spaces and give an open inversion for it. It’s disrespectful.
I really can't praise this enough! It was not only such sound commentary and wonderful representation (ty for including LGBTQIA+ couples AND a poly, interracial LGBTQIA+ relationship 😭), but your chemistry with your partner was also just so wholesome, relatable, and precious!
Thank you for also saying that being on your own has value as well. I’ve had so many negative experiences with dating that I’ve completely stepped away and I’m healing myself on my own terms. At 46, this is the happiest I’ve been since I started dating. It’s taken years of self reflection and appreciation for the woman that I am and learning what I truly need from work, friends, family, life and what I want for myself with and without a partner. It’s an incredible feeling of freedom from other peoples ideas of what I should want and what I should have at this stage in my life. When you’re single and you don’t have children at my age all you get are pity looks and it’s does hurt sometimes. But then I remember what I do have and it’s all mine, without compromise.
If you have the opportunity, take time to be alone, it’s beautiful and most likely won’t last, lol, but you will never regret feeling truly free.
There’s truth in that…but when you live a long life of freedom and self pleasure it’s hard to bond with one person in the future
This was a great video! It's so good to hear real people talk about relationships.
Loved this video. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. We've been through a lot together and changed so much but what hasn't changed is our commitment. We know each other like the back of our hand and the trust is very liberating.
Growing up in the 90s-00s, black love was already dead. Unlike the rage that runs rampant on RUclips, it seemed as alive as the tooth fairy. Present in words and movies but never seen.
@@blasphimus Does either side want to come together? Relationships are about trust, respect, communication, and common goals, not femininity and alpha status
@@Zikomo7 that’s literally how me and my girl do our relationship we really don’t care on what society has to say for a relationship. Society says men should be strong and not show their emotions but we have feelings too. Our relationship is based on everything you just listed. It’s not about how feminine you are nor how masculine you are. Just love each other. But nowadays having a healthy relationship is seen as a simp for dudes. And being toxic is the way. Idiots just spewing nonsense to people who want to learn.
Facts
@@Zikomo7 I just want BM to stop talking about submission all the time. They seem to want to not adhere to any other gender roles except for that one. Convenient
@@elegantempress1395 Right. Like I said, relationships are about respect. Dogs submit to their masters. Children submit to their parents. A man and wife should be equal. BM don’t want relationships, they want revenge. They want to do what’s been done to them. BM submit to WM so we have to submit to them. I want no parts
"Love is not safe" is definitely a familiar feeling after 6 years together and 1 year married. My husband came out as trans which is maybe a more literal version of "you're a different person than you once were", but that acknowledgement of growth and change is something that is vital to success together.
Appreciate it as always, you always make me think/rethink my preconceived notions of the world. I also really appreciate the diverse perspectives you get in your interviews for videos like this, it adds another layer that lends so much to the message. 💜
Love and best wishes ❤
@@janicemoriarty2578 💖
You are outdoing yourself with every video. The amount of perspectives included here, and yet the clarity of the message. Kudos to you.
Omg… I love this video.. such an HONEST, WELL THOUGHT OUT perspective on black relationships from every spectrum instead of the “blame game” we see online. I’ve abstained from dating for some years and I’ve been wanting to get back into it and this motivates me to give it a try. Thank you for this video.
Never a dull nor a non-learning video with FDS. That's another smash for the history books. Definitely will be watching during Valentine's week. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿
I can't express how deeply I appreciate your work. It means so much to have opportunities to hear from real people talking about the grit in their lives and experiences. Especially when all our online spaces seem designed to filter out genuine human experiences and complexities. With every video I feel like I grow at least a bit as a person - I cherish this so much.
Two of the biggest things missing from these conversations surrounding black love are: the reality of disabled partners(physically, mentally, and/or both). As well as, the necessity of long term stay at home moms (primarily) because the father doesn't make enough to pay for the cost of child care. Those two things actually go together, but can easily be separate. I have never seen a discussion, conversation, discourse, or dialogue that covers this and it's very sad and disheartening that people like me aren't even considered to be a worthy part of the conversation of love, let alone represented. An yet, we're the one race of people always fighting for and arguing about representation. An we still do such a poor and inadequate job of representing all of our own when we have the platforms to do so.
@@arianneess47 That's a horribly ableist and insulting thing to say, and just goes to show how disability is treated as a joke and disabled people are deemed not worth bothering about.
The Church of the Algorithm officially certifies this video in the ones and zeroes of The Recommending Holiness.
Your gimmick is fantastic.
Algorithmantra Nom Nom LOVE!
Praise be
Thank you for introducing us to Mrs. Signifier 🥺 AJ was lovely 💞
Also, as an aromantic person I felt REALLY REALLY seen during the little note at the end about how "if love doesn't appeal to you at this time, just leave it aside and work on yourself." Even if that's not ultimately the way you meant it, I feel like if society at large had this sort of mindset that romantic/sexual relationships aren't the end-all be-all of the human experience, it'd be a lot easier for people like me to live our voluntarily single lives.
Edit: and it'd also probably be healthier for alloromantics who feel incomplete without the validation of a partner, the perceived (and sometimes tangible) status and approval that comes with being in a relationship.
I don't necessarily know if I fully identify with being asexual/aromatic but I definitely know that, even with never having been in a relationship, it's just still not something I'm interested or feel ready to participate in just yet, and I definitely think more people would truly benefit from hearing something like this. I think of a few people I know who could have perhaps fared better from understanding this at certain times. Knowing what things hold one back from seeking partnership and what kind of growth they'll want to experience is something I feel more people should think about to do before trying to seek that in others because it it just not realistic or even healthy. There's also so much value in the other kinds of relationships we experience with people and it's wonderful what we can grow and develop in that respect. Appreciate both FD's comment and yours.
@@threatofjoy tbh yeah. This is sort of how I felt before I realized/fully accepted I was aroace. A lot of people's stereotype of always knowing you are a certain LGBTQ+ identity from extremely early an age was VERY wrong for me, especially with the aromantic part. Society holds up romantic relationships on such a pedestal-it seems as if they are destined, inevitable, and overall just *right* for everyone-that when I first heard what being aromantic was, I straight up didn't understand how it could be a thing. I was like, "How can you lack an entire *emotion*?" (conflating emotions with attraction) and I was neck deep in internalized amatonormativity. For a long time. But when things kept just routinely not working out for me and it always felt like it was *me* ending things, *me* not being a correct fit for anyone, and not usually because of some external pressure or rejection of the other person... I was like, oh, yeah, maybe I'm just *not made* for this whole thing. I don't even *want* this thing after all.
Also, some unsolicited advice (sorry if it seems preachy beforehand, I just rarely get to speak on this topic so I'm having the urge to share a lot of my thoughts): if you've been questioning your possibility of being on the aromantic/asexual spectrum(s), I would say you're taking the right approach. Removing the pressure off of yourself to seek partnership when you're not enthusiastically certain it's what you want is a good idea. A lot of people have this idea that figuring out your identity is always about ~exploring~ and ~experimenting~ but that's only what you should be doing if you feel drawn towards it and willing, and especially only with people you feel safe with and trust. I accepted myself as aroace when I stopped giving a shit about what side I come out on from the sexual identity crisis I had been going through since middle school. I stopped overthinking every possible instance of attraction I might have towards someone, or someone might have towards me, and what implications that might have for me socially, and when I just gave up on all the stress of trying to interpret that... ironically that's when things became clearer and I saw the bigger picture. I experimented with my sexuality by keeping it completely to myself! I'm coining the term here, folks: I was acurious! I didn't care anymore! And it turned out my hypothesis was right, not to care. It didn't have to involve me and I feel a lot better about my place in this world now. (But that's just my two cents. Obviously I can't dissect your personal experience or feelings for you and apply a label.)
I screamed when you brought up Malcolm and Marie because I love that movie everytime I watch it I feel like a new layer of conflict is revealed and my understanding grows. I would love to see you do a video essay breaking it down it's too many other videos that completely miss the mark critiquing such a beautifully captured film
im in some relationship struggle rn while im bingeing these essays, and this has been genuinely helpful
I live by the motto: Not my relationship, not my wallet. 🤔
Having come from a successful “black love” couple I always knew there is a ton of struggle behind the scenes but I feel people always think our family is perfect. And in partnering specifically with black men they are often confused when I look to do the very difficult work I know is necessary to make it work because often they haven’t seen behind the scenes of “success” and think those hard conversations mean we’re just not doing the “black love” thing right.
I enjoyed seeing the variety of relationship styles and backgrounds. This video was very well done. Thanks for showing real people speaking on love without the fluff and with care. Most romantic relationship content online related to the black community is so toxic. I can’t consume content like that all the time. This was awesome.
Thanks for making this. Its so great to hear real conversations about actual love, something to learn from.
I really appreciate how you let the other couples shine by not including any video of yourself while they were talking. I don't think many creators would do that, but it really helped empathize the points you were making.
With some of your content I feel like a sort of a peeping tom while watching, being personally so far removed (=white, scandinavian) from the matters discussed, but... I'm glad to just learn a variety of things, and in that sense this was a fascinating and powerful watch. I appreciate your work.
Same here. As an Indian from Singapore, I do feel like I'm taking a peek into a culture removed from my own in some ways, yet entangled in so many other ways.
As a white, gay&poly immigrant lady, I think about how adept I've become in seeing myself in other people's stories and experiences as a young romantic girl with no exposure to the little gay or poly media that existed at the time.
And while sometimes I too get a voyeuristic feeling watching FD's content, like, this isn't really FOR me, I remind myself, well -- there's a kind of beauty in being able to find connections to and empathy for stories that aren't really you own. I did it all the time with straight white romance stories.
But on the other hand, that's a skill marginalized folks really HAVE to develop when consuming media as a whole, because they're not often represented. Finding the connection and empathy in the the image of the other when YOU are the one that is seen as Other by society is I think probably a universal experience for marginalized folks?
And it's not reciprocal. Straight, white people don't really HAVE to interact with black or queer media in the same way. It feels more like a choice , and even voyeuristic
But I like to think this kind of reciprocity is ultimately a good thing. You dont know what you Don know, and learning and connecting to others very different from you is one of the true real beauties of the internet I think
@@shameershiraj3701 never heard of caste system?
@@janicemoriarty2578 wtf does that have to do with the topic being discussed??
@@CheeseLoversUnited thanks for sharing your perspective, I've always wondered why it seemed difficult for certain cultural groups to empathize with the "other" but it's like as you said, it's more of a choice rather than being forced to empathize with the predominant culture that's always represented.
57:37 Thank you so much for this bit of validation. Valentine's Day only exacerbates the usual pressure, and it's so wonderful to hear someone say the liberating idea that, if none of this makes you happy, you can live a completely fulfilling life aromantically. I can't thank you enough for that validation.
33:57 Ooooh Fiq!!! You touched on something right here that needs a whole video for/by itself.
We approach relationships as if we expect people to be who they are when we meet them forever (or at least 20+ years). Like the fact that you can like, tolerate and co-parent with someone/people for 15 +/- years and both/all choose to make the best interest of the child the common goal is borderline miraculous and monumental as well. Many of us dealt with proximity neglect. As long as you made it to 13-15 able to take care of facilitating your basic needs without acting out in a way that inconvenienced those who were responsible for you, you were considered “normal” or “well adjusted”… at this point I’m confused as to what the goal of relationship is or should be.
Appreciate giving the nuance of love in general and the dynamics of what we're sold and what's real and navigating between those spaces.
Wow. This was very informative and enjoyable to watch. I don’t often see nuanced conversations about love online. Great video !
I think my favorite part of the interviews is when one person glances or looks at their partner and have their love written all over their face.
Bro I love your videos so much you can't understand. Many times the women in my life who claim to love me have demonstrated that they are more interested in me, love me more, and compliment me more when I provide. I remember depression took me out of the workforce for a couple years. I strived to at least be emotionally there for my family. I think I did as well as you could expect. But tell me why once I got a job and was able to provide, that's when I was told "You feel more brotherly now." Or "I'm proud of you."
Black women have a hard time internalizing this when I tell it to them. This sort of mentality tells me that their emotional growth, maturity and what they can offer as an emotional being, is just extra fluff. All of that is worthless to them if you can't provide. What do I do!? This is my own family! If I'm not loved unless I can provide, there is a ceaseless anxiety that the moment I'm unable, I'm worthless. How scary is that?
Because of this and other things, I can't ever truly get close emotionally to anyone because I'm only loved when I'm able. I just want to be loved for the things I care about as they are closer to my personality. Me being able to provide money has nothing to do with who I am as a person.
This is a really refreshing and insightful conversation!
I'm really glad I clicked on this video.
great work as always F.D!