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What onlookers don't understand is that no contact is a devastating choice that is often a lifetime in the making. Not a trend, not an impulsive decision. It's our less-worse hell out of two options of hell. It's never clear cut, and full of second-guessing. After all, us adult children of neglectful and abusive families are Olympic-level self- second-guessers. What drove it home for me was my parents' and brother's reactions to me - at the time - asking for some space and saying I'll be out of contact for a while due to needing peace and privacy while my partner and I were going through IVF. They called me a narcissist, deranged, deluded, ungrateful, sub-human, the reason our family unit is divided (that last one was a real doozie! Spoken my my alcoholic brother who punched my two front teeth out in my teens). It was that reaction that made me upgrade "taking space for a while" to NC.
I know what this is like. To hurt you is there only means to get supply and it will never stop. If you are truly in a bind, save money to see a good lawyer who will have lots of ideas to keep you free from them. Some money is worth spending. I have been through hell with my abusive parents that many people refuse to believe. Don’t worry about them. In fact, tell NO ONE and save money and make detailed plans to get out and go no contact. I promise you that you are fighting for your very life. They want you to think you cannot live without them, but that’s but another lie. You can and you must. Ensure that you will have a beautiful life, *with the help of a therapist * I escaped parents who should’ve been in prison. Now I am a law student who will soon be married. If you are18 or 89 yrs old - you can and must do this. I send love & support from the bottom of my heart to all of you who feel you simply can’t do it. YOU CAN!!
I knew I had to go no contact from my family when I was pregnant. The stress of dealing with them was too hard on my body and I feared for my pregnancy. Your toxic family is slowly killing you inside and out so make the decision for your health.
This same thing happened with me. When I came back to the US pregnant in 2007 with our first son, I KNEW I had to not only get and stay away from my birth mother but I also knew I had to keep her away from my baby (and all future children). I told my husband this and he was not in agreement at the time so (he) continued to invest time in to getting her to be the grandma he wanted her to be but she only disappointed him. By the time our first son was 6 and we’d had our second son, I had decided I would not proceed further with her no matter what and so cut her off. That was in Feb. 2013. I only wish I’d done it sooner. For ME.
For your health, joy, sanity, peace, and everything. Sometimes you just have to choose you and don't apologize for it. I pray that all is well with you and yours IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
I knew a women who survived an long abusive marriage. Somehow, she got a modest home. When I was at her home, she showed me her back yard. It was incredible! She put her heart and her pain into growing beautiful plants and flowers. There was a huge pile of rocks in the back corner of her lawn. Every rock she pulled out of the yard, she piled on top of the others. She said” that is where I buried my ex husband, emotionally. She had a dog Lacy, who loved and guarded her. It took time, but she found a new life and things she loved. She was never abused again. God bless you Marge, Ive never forgotten your kindness and strength.
Remembering the bad was a huge key to lessening the pain I felt. It reminded me that I was distracting myself from abuse, not the random nice version that my inner 4 yr old missed.
Tough truth: When you leave a dysfunctional family you are leaving the Dysfunctional World. Family is our first measure of health & wealth. When you leave it; you are in no man’s land. You will feel real dna life blood loss the rest of your life and will have to forever struggle to fill the void, find a tribe. But you will be free.
You are so welcome! “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: • The Illusions of the Narcissist • The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists • Living in the War Zone • 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist • 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently • Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding • Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment • Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents • Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have • And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
7 mornings in a row as of today, I have woke up having good and pleasant dreams. I went NC August 13, 2019. So it's been almost 6 months. Healing is a beautiful thing. I don't miss the nightmares at all. Hope you all can heal.
Thank you for saying that because my NC has only been 10 days and I am having night mares and dreams of the narc being a good person - it will only ever be a dream because there is nothing good that will come out of that
I want to thank you for giving me permission to remember the bad. I realized that I have been culturally shamed among other things into accepting abuse and accepting being taken advantage of or being treated poorly.
What baffled me the most was finding out, as an adult, that friends and relatives of my mother saw the gas lighting and abuse and did nothing. Others have point blank asked me how I could dare turn my back on my mother. They saw the side of her that she put forth to the public. They saw Dr Jekyll. I got Mr. Hyde.
1) Resolve our internal relationship with the abuser. Work on attachment/enmeshment/trauma bonding to them. Accept the lost fantasies, illusions and dreams to face reality. 2) Resolve hurt, anger, fear, self-criticism of having to go no contact. 3) Remember the bad. 4) Practice kindness with yourself. Find a way to self-soothe when pining for attachment. Bond with ourselves. 5) Practice self power retention. 6) Find an anchor or support. 7) Work toward emotional neutrality. 8). No contact is not the same as running away. Running away is done because of wounding. No contact is done out of love and self-differentiation. 9) Benefits of going no contact: a) freedom, b) peace, c) everything is as it seems, d) getting yourself back, e) you get to have healthy relationships, f) no longer walking on eggshells, g) no more navigating emotional landmines and boobytraps, h) somatic symptoms abate, i) depression lifts, j) you are empowered for self-agency and self-advocacy.
I always remember the bad times to remind me to be strong. Although they gave me some good memories but I paid them with my life and time, so those good memories are not worth remembering.
Haven't seen my mother for over 15 years. Have mourned the loss of having a mother. I often say ' I miss having A mother, but NOT my mother ' Realising she could nor would ever give me what I needed, simply because she is not capable of changing. Unfortunately I'm still stressed and depressed and not coping very well at times. Slowly realising I'm going to he same thing with my in laws. Weird. That seems to be the thing that my husband and I - unknowlingly - bonded over all these years ago. My children (18 and 15) do not like how they are being treated by them and it seems the end of their relationship is near. My children know of my struggle. I hope I've been a 'good' mother to them and the cycle is effectively broken. My life won't get much better, but I hope they can find their way in life without this kind of burden. Fingers crossed
Oh my God, I understand. It's odd growing up an orphan, even though you have parents. And the ex and I bonded over crazy mothers; the problem was, his mother's crazy was genetic, and he turned out to be just like her. I left the day he threatened to kill me if I hit him back. I thank God daily we did not have children. I would not have allowed them to see either set of grandparents, and after the divorce, I would have taken those kids and moved to another country to get away from the domestic violence.
I needed this comment. I went no contact with my parents a few years ago, and never intended to go no contact with my sister but now have no other option. I’ve been so sad about it, but I can’t be the scapegoat any longer. I was feeling distressed and your comment reminded me that I am not alone and I am accepted and loved.
I'm in tears with relief. Thank you so much. I've gone no contact and I'm struggling through the issue of even MORE isolation. I needed this talk right now . Perfect timing. The universe made me watch you. THANK YOU. I don't feel alone anymore. Relief 😌
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this series. I have been low contact with my parents/extended family for about a year since I moved abroad, but went completely no contact just two days ago. I'm so glad I found this series so I could anticipate the feelings that would come up and keep note of everything that's going on before it gets bad. I loved the quote: "You walk in a different neighborhood now, one that does not have booby traps." So true; while I am grappling with the true loss of my fantasy family unit, my head feels so much clearer and I'm feeling less and less like I'm in "The Truman Show."
I am living out the benefits you described, just as you have explained, since I went no contact with my family of origin over a year ago. I never even realized all the ways I was a captive. Drama free living without second guessing or dread, or anxiety. This was a wonderful post of hope for those who believe they are trapped.
No contact with my father for two years in a few weeks. He was bad for my health. He manipulated, gaslighted my whole family, and had rages in which he was physically abusive. I decided I could not deal with him any more. It was hard at first especially because I had lost my mom the year before. Working on my self esteem, boundaries, and self care. I am the red truck I am focusing on! Best thing I have done!
Had to go NC again. Focusing on getting back emotional stability and calmness after cruel vicious treatment by family (sister, brother, mother). Emotional pain is gut-wrenching torment. Already 100% doing well. I need to continue to work on my self and my own triggers. I choose calmness!! 🙏 Indeed I forgive them but I can't be around the cruel unkind, gossip and selfish mean treatment. Best to you all. Keep learning and focus on calm. Work through your reactive emotional side.
This was helpful. I have experienced several of the benefits of going no contact that you discussed like having peace, no patience for bs from others, and that things are just what they are...no hidden agendas. I am very protective of my space and energy now. thank you for sharing.
The thing with Narcissist is that they only insist in THEIR FANTASIES being fulfilled / realized (regardless of how impractical or illegitimate they may be) while at the same time totally discounting and disregarding the dreams and aspirations others have (regardless of how legitimate or practical they may be). Narcs always achieve their ‘success’ at others’ cost (be it physical, emotional or financial). It’s an unmistakeable pattern. I think successful relationships are those where the two people VALUE each other enough to want to MUTUALLY SUPPORT each others’ aspirations. Any imbalance there and that train is destined to derail sooner or later.
So wonderful and true. I know the best thing I ever did for myself was to go no contact. I remember when I was finally learning and trying to change and setting boundaries; they started calling me crazy ... they wanted me to be the old voiceless doormat and put me back in my dysfunctional role... I could no longer so I disappeared, what else is there to do when no one wants to hear you. Thanks for your videos. God bless!
Thank you for your wise and kind words. Immensely helpful and validating. Was taught to stay for way too long in narc relationships in the name of religion, love and forgiveness until I was entirely depleted. I had no choice but to cut ties. God does not approve of the abuse of power and evil behavior.
You forgive for you so you can heal and move on. It may take a long time to do this. That doesn't mean you have to let them back in your life. You did the right thing. I am no contact with my father.
Even though I am on the other side and 90% free from my narcissist family, I still need to listen to all this. When I was in therapy 15 years ago, the common thought was to learn how to deal with them in my life. Fortunately, I listened to my gut and as part of my healing process I began to emotionally distanced myself from them even though I still went to Thanksgiving or got together for a day or two. I am so glad to see that today we know these people never change and the more you give them your time and energy the more they will take and leave you drained and even worse keep you distracted from living your best life. Thank you for making this videos! They reassure me that I have made the right choice to get away and to keep my boundaries high when I do interact with them.
Thank you so much, Jerry! I am now in the phase (post separation from family) of fixing my narc radar/response system. I can self advocate very well, except when it comes to toxic people who are subtle with their public insults and put downs. i love your concept of internal boundaries, so i’m working on getting mine built. Wish me luck!
How did RUclips know that this was just what I needed to hear? I’m taking care of my 90-year-old mom, so I can’t go no-contact now. I am learning from my siblings that standing up for myself is bad. “I do not exist.” I need to go alone to get along. (Yes, alone) A few years ago, when I found my voice, a tiny one, and I started to express myself, I was told that I was becoming very stubborn and that all my siblings felt this way. Yet, I was just setting a few boundaries, not wanting to continue being a doormat not included in decisions, discussions, and other things. Yes, I upset the equilibrium. I have gradually pulled away; I lessen my exposure, but when I do see them, they completely ignore me. I do not exist. It hurts so badly. They “love up” my adult children, who don’t understand/see the bad treatment that is directed my way. When I talk to siblings/my children about specific things that were done or said, they deny or ignore it. When I tell my 'closest' sister that this is happening, she dismisses what I am saying and tries to find alternative explanations. I have told my sisters that once mom passes away, I will go no contact with the family. I don't want to do this while mom is around because it would be so hurtful to her (and I'm her primary caretaker). (I feel bad that I’m waiting for this to happen.) I was accused of breaking up the family. But the exclusion continues.... This is all confusing and embarrassing to me; I guess that’s where my fantasy of having a family that actually cares about me fits in. Ironically, perhaps they are going no contact with me - in my presence by completely ignoring me. Why do I go to family events? For mom. Today, I told my sister that I found out accidentally from mom that my niece had a wedding shower yesterday and everyone was invited but me. And I’m the officiant at the wedding. No response yet. My conclusion is that, for my own mental health, I need to see them less and less often without upsetting mom. Eventually, I plan to move away and not leave a forwarding address. I need to self-soothe and become my own red truck and find a supportive red truck. Although I’m worthless to them, I’m not worthless.
Well I am very thankful to have come across this channel. This video is very helpful but I think I have done it all wrong. Now I just beat myself up and I feel worse. It’s too much for me to be around my family, I feel everything, all the feelings of everyone probably even the dog. I don’t want it o hurt anyone I just want peace so badly.. ☹️
Excellent clarification! Shifting focus to the red truck is not denial. For years, I thought I wasn't dealing with my emotions when I struggled with this. If I wanted to shift my focus, drop the thoughts, stop analyzing how I felt, etc., I couldn't let go of thinking that I was in denial. After so many years of this struggle, I appreciate the confirmation that it is self care and not denial. I have also seen that the constant wanting to be extra sure if I made the right decision was about the self doubt that results from a narcissistic family of origin, especially the narc mother.
You are absolutely right shifting to a red truck is not denial focusing on yourself and doing self care does not mean you are not in acknowlegement of the Realities of your family of origin
@@jerrywise help can't go no contact parents .. won't let go ..both NPD am in therapy trying hard accept things processing letting go . Pain hurt fear fear talking fear letting go nothing works omg ! Always when making some progress they call n back to freeze
This is a great video. I was always confused about when you talked about "cutting off" and now I understand the difference between "cutting off or running away", which leads to years of agony because you're stuck in that Disney fantasy of a happy home that you never had, and "no contact" which was the easiest thing I ever did. No contact truly is easy because it brings with it every benefit you spoke of. instant peace, freedom, not having to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop, you just live your life without bullshit and with confidence. It's easy because that's exactly how life is supposed to be: peaceful, easy, safe and actually predictable and boring, not a hostage situation in a battle zone because you used the wrong brand of olive oil.
Omg Rachel! thank you for sharing! I can’t believe someone else lived through the same « using the wrong olive oil “ flip accusation of inadequacy & rant… Just wow.
It is what it is. Thank God it isn’t what it was. ☺️ The cycle of worship, condemnation, and the declarations of what is and is not appropriate(hint: I am not!) Add to that the verbal threat of humiliating me. Please God make it stop. Today, I stayed home alone. I did some work. Getting acquainted with a stranger. Me.
The hardest part of no contact for me is having small children...and they are surrounded by friends who have grandparents, aunts etc and your child does not. As much as chosen family is great, they are often busy on holidays etc. Does anyone else out there who is a parent struggle with this one?
Yes. It is hard. My children are young adults now though. I wish I would have had my Catholic faith back when they where small, I would have had another support that helped us all. My faith is what has helped me to take do the work of going no contact. I honestly had such a tough time after my divorce (our children were only 1,5 and 3), so I have struggled since but God is omnipotent and now I finally understood to follow His words. I wish I would have taught my children to pray at early age. So powerful for their souls and such a protection. They learn resilience and so much more. Pray and follow the Holy Ghosts instructions, and you will see that you will find more peace and to not be afraid. Just trust.
I struggled with it until after a phone call with my mother, my 13-yr-old son said to me, "Mom, can't you see Grandma is manipulating you?" Oh.... boy. That was the epiphany. My abusive narcissistic mother was interfering, competing with my relationship with not only my husband but also my KIDS. It was my oldest child who made it plain to me, and it was then I realized.... my mother would never be the type of grandmother that I had -- a loving, wise woman who taught me how to bake cookies, and how to tat lace, and how to make a wild onion kazoo. My mother was a selfish, manipulative woman who never even took care of her own mother -- my grandmother -- yet demanded that I give her control over MY bank account, when my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She will never change. She used my father up until he was a dried husk. And when he was dying, she turned to me to become her new narcissistic supply. I said, "NO." And as a result of that narcissistic injury.... she did not let me talk to my dad the night before he died........ After my father's death, I realized there was no way to have a healthy relationship with this woman. And neither would she have a healthy relationship with MY KIDS. It was re-inforced by my knowledge that my husband's parents were NORMAL. I was lucky enough to know them before they passed away, and they are my role model now for parenting -- NOT my mother. I am no-contact with her since my father's death. And slowly life is improving for ALL OF US. My kids are happier, my husband is happier, my finances are finally stabilizing. :( She was always trying to insert herself into my financial affairs all my life. Luckily my husband is an attorney, and he warned me against getting my mother involved in my kids' affairs..... no more manipulation. She has no empathy. She made a terrible parent, and she will not be missed as a grandparent.
Benefits of NO CONTACT Freedom Peace / drama free Done w/ living in the house of pain No more agendas You get YOU back Value your intuition (no more ignoring red flags) No more navigating emotional landmines Empowerment self-agency self-advocacy’s (you are now versed in setting boundaries) Disentangled yourself from possible booby traps No more: Migraines Depression Time for healthy relationships no more walking on egg shells Mr. Wise…you are a God send!
This definitely gets a 2 thumbs up instead of 1. It amazes me when you narcissist abuse recovery coaches hit all the experiences and feelings that I've went through but you don't know me. So much of what you said resonated with my life with my narc mother and now also my narc brother. I went No Contact over a year ago, and you gave me confirmation that I'm doing it right. I wanted guidance on what should I be doing to heal now that I've excluded these people in my life All these videos have helped me get to where I need to be. Thank you.
Thank you Jerry! I grew up in a toxic family with abuse. My father was abused and in turn abused us, but to a much less degree. He is a different man now. He is one of my best friends. However one of my siblings is a lying, cheating, abandoning narcissist. I have loathed our relationship for 10 + years. He currently is cheating on his wife, got caught, kicked out of his house, and is now living with my parents again. He's been trying to reach out to me for his narcissistic supply but I no longer can do that. So I called him out on his lies and went no contact as of yesterday. Oh man did I open up pandoras box. My mom is a codependent so she has been drinking with him every night letting him waste hours of her life with his word salad. My dad just avoids them. My middle brother is Switzerland. He has already tried hoovering me today with text. I learned from your last video to keep my explanations to people short and sweet. I feel kinda out of it and lost today on day two but I know these feelings are temporary. I'm excited to do the inner healing like this video suggest. Thats where the real issue is, for me anyways. Thank you again for great free resources to help with the topic of narcissism. Bless you:)
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I took SOOOO many deep sighs of relief while listening to this. Much of it was concepts I already knew from deductive reasoning and a bit of research, but a lot of benefits just were never said or written.out. Gave me something to look forward to. And I'm so proud of myself cause many realities like holding on to my dislike were things I rationalized on my own cause I would, otherwise, soften and be open to forgiveness or open myself to be a target again. The hatred will keep me from being anyone's punching bag. I'm smarter and more sensible than anyone will ever consider, and I can stand tall, now that my insecurity and anxiety are off my back. Thank you.
THIS! This is what I’m working on, accepting the trauma bond and embracing it before I let it go. No contact for two years and it was only yesterday I faced the terror that I still felt. Finally I saw it and it was such a relief because it was familiar and I knew I could let it go. Thank you for this video, it has helped. 🙏🏼
Thank you so much for watching “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I can't relate to anyone who goes no contact and all of a sudden, life is a bed of roses. I went no contact with the narcissistic family cult, my two adult daughters became part of the cult. My mother is the leader. I have complex PTSD. Without professional trauma counselling, i would have no hope of any recovery. Every cell in my body is on high alert. When it's your family of origin, it destroys your life. Only a mentally strong person will survive it and make a new life. Narcissist is just another word for evil or demon posessed.
It’s a extremely hard to grow up in such an environment and it takes lots of healing and inner work to grow out of it. Self differentiation work isn’t about getting ourselves out of the family but about getting the family out of us. Sending love and strength, keep up the growth and recovery ❤️
One of the most important , validating ,reassuring ,helpful, informative videos I have found to date in my experience in the last year . Thank you so very much Jerry.
Thank you so much Jerry ! So much knowledge. Especially helpful to realize why boundaries are so hard with certain people, they don't accept them. It's so true. That alone makes people want to avoid them.
This is one of the best videos I have ever listened to! I am working with a counselor and have a great support system but I am now starting no contact for at least the third time with my very toxic and elderly mother. I hope I can stick with it but this will help. Thank you so much Dr. @JerryWise!! I’m hoping to find even more materials from you about the guilt of going no contact from an elderly parent. In my case my mother is in a retirement community and they are wonderful. I can no longer tolerate trying to do everything for her and make her happy only to be criticized, told that what I’m doing is not enough, have her push and push to come live with us which can never happened largely due to her toxicity and self-centeredness over many years, and her telling me when things don’t go exactly her way (I don’t jump fast and high enough) that “you don’t give a damn about me and never have!“ thank you also for addressing the fact that physical symptoms of this kind of constant emotional abuse are a real thing! I’ve certainly felt that as well.
The goal is to refrain from the mind games, reset my peace, enjoy getting back use to being responsible for my own experience from now own, and prepare for whatever comes next.
Thankyou. This has been helpful. I was recently discarded for a new supply after a 26 year relationship with three beautiful daughters. The last 24 of those years were filled with physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse. I went no contact 5 minutes of him walking out the door. It's been almost 5 weeks This video has really helped me think differently. So again thankyou.
Called the spaghetti technique. They cannot possibly understand how you would have a great life without them! That cannot be possible. Oh my dear it is!
I subconsciously went no (little) contact without knowing the root cause of why I was doing it.... And every time the guilt of not seeing my family members caught up with me, I regretted contacting them again, as the old, dysfunctional dynamics would fall back in place in no time flat. However, I've since learned the reason(s) for my internal apprehension.....And I'm working on not making those same mistakes over-and-over again.....In the meantime, the idea of complete "No Contact" is sounding better and better.
I find the 2nd guessing is of myself the worst part. I’m 2 years no contact with my mother and 1 year with my father and siblings because they were triangulated and just playing the flying monkey role.
There is so much that I want to say. I will to keep is short and simple for myself. If I am honest with myself my family always pushed me away. I really just needed to stay away. The "run and chase" applies to me. It seams like I keep repeating the "chaser" role. I think all I need to do is to Let Them Go.
I like how Jerry addressed the "fantasy" of what you would want a relationship or family to be is more traumatizing than just accepting that it's not going to happen. Many of us get into trouble with those "fantasies" and it's what keeps us going running into the wall over and over.
We often learn these fantasies from our family of origin- if we "ask" our family to let go of their fantasies about us (who I should be / who they want me to be), why shouldn't we let go of our fantasies about them? For real healing, we don't even need them to let go of their Fantasies about us, healing is about letting go of our own fantasies about ourselves - and our fantasies about them - ❤️
@@birdiebirdie7187 Lovely. Based on your likes, the majority of us didn’t. It’s a matter of context, profanity isn’t of itself a bad thing. Posting religious doctrine on a video aimed toward people struggling with self, and life in general is just exploitation. It’s disgusting, and you shouldn’t be so shameless.
@@Abraham-gf1oi At least nine persons are meaningful enough. Jesus does not compete or compel but stands patiently at every heart's door. It is a privilege to know Him and to give Him the reigns of my life as the days become more bazaar. But that you would presume to dictate what should and should not be posted in the comments sections of a video - about things narcissism - that you did not produce . . . !
@@birdiebirdie7187 Even my dad who was Buddhist understood the story of Jesus. He sent me a Bible and recommended I read "Job" which he said was a very good story of a man surrounded by narcissists. I read this story as I was dealing with my narcissistic mother who created a smear campaign against me, when my dad was dying and I refused to become her new narcissistic supply. Both Job's story and Jesus' story are stories of two people persecuted by narcissists. :( Job survived. Jesus did not, but then God made him rise again. Jesus' story can still be comforting to someone who is not Christian. He was a good man who tried to help people, and jealous people wanted him dead. Yet his memory lives on, whereas the jealous priests who brought him to Pontius Pilate.... no one remembers them.
Thank you so much. It's worth noting too that sometimes you cause the abuser to wake up to the reality of their abusive behaviour and for them to be in such shock and pain that they seek help
Thank you 🙏 Jerry . Your advice and observations have helped me a lot. I totally agree that going no contact with a toxic person is actually the most love generating and hurt and pain and evil reducing thing we can do. God bless you❤
This guy is one of the people I respect the most in the world. His work and insight is exemplary. His videos are among the best things on the internet. He puts out information that is extremely helpful to everyone, but gets very little views, because he is extremely boring and people only want to be entertained.
@@smoozerish Also, no background music, video editing, humorous wordplay or "hooks" for our sustained attention and excitement. Just a straightforward guy speaking sense to us like we're intelligent.
I am very thankful for what he offers and am hanging on every word of his wisdom. Thank you so much Jerry for all that you are doing to help people heal!
I could Cry for Joy, Jerry! I was up most the night last night harangued (yet again!) by how to tell my family some things I wanted to say and realizing that No Contact really is what the grown-up in me HAS to do. A few days ago I Screamed at my sister's spouse (who seems to be her enabler) and the anger that has built up and UP over feeling INSIGNIFICANT for so many years to my family. I did it! I messaged 2 family members on fb..I set a boundary and messaged my identical twin (we are in our 40s) that I WOULD NOT be responding to any attempts to reach me over the next year and a half. Woo Hoo! I ended w To everything turn, turn turn...
Hey Jerry! Update is that I realized that my 2 sisters are who they are...there are good qualities and bad in them as welll as in me. What I did was went back to what I essentially already WAS doing (if it ain't broke, don't fix it!) which was minimal contact. I still find it sad that we are not close, but need to let go of the fantasy that my sisters are going to be "oh so helpful" in my life or as Aunts to my 3 year old son.
@@slowroastedmarshmallow9226 hey there. So you have a narcissist twin also? I'm in a similar situation possibly with babies and my sister being childless and needing to go NC after she attacked me on my mother's day. It will take a while to detach and not hate her for it
Tremendously helpful video. Thank you so much! I was stuck for seven years of no contact but still ruminating over all the trauma left in me. Looking for my little red truck!
Many thanks I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
❤ great info as always, Jerry- your my mentor! I watched this three years ago and this is very relevant for my husband who has been no contact with his mother who is very manipulative and narcissistic. We just had a conversation before I found this video and spoke about the very things you are speaking of in this video. I grew up with an abusive, narcissistic mother too. I worked on better self differentiation after her death in 2016. My gosh the improvements I’ve made! I’m studying psychology and putting the final touches on my book about growing up in a narcissistic home…. ❤ thanks Jerry for all the help over the years! You are a Godsend!!!! 😉
Thank you for this video - and this set of videos on this topic. I found it so helpful and comprehensive. I liken the choice to go No Contact to the passage Mathew 7:6 about not casting pearls before swine. Could this be one interpretation?
Thank you for this. So many good tips and mind sets. I'm 26 and have been extremely LC for 4 years with NC on and off knowing that I was going to enter NC at some point. I have officially initiated full NC this month with an actual statement to the targets. Despite the fact that I've been working to this for 4 years, I have a lot to work through.
My kids grew up watching their Dad Narc emotionally destroy me, or do physical things....he refused to stop. He would say "She's insane....everybody hates you rmother"....and then say "I'm a positive person"....he was calling my family or origin and friends to make them dislike me or doubt me....I had no idea he was doing this. All of his very sick abuse to ISOLATE me from the neighbors, my family....and isolate me from my children. My kids are 36 and 39....They are Trained to be his Flying Monkeys. I divorced him....and he got worse. He would make threats "Now, I have to destroy your life"....he always was destroying my life....and the damages he would do to me....he w ould blame on me. Now we have an Adult Son...29, whom is extremely hateful Overtly Abusive. A Daughter that is extremely Covert...a long, long pattern all they way back to junior high.....where she would be Fake Nice to my face, and behind my back she was doing what her Dad did....trying to make people hate me. I found it, after she left for college....she wrote it and stuck it under her bed. She still does that. Even when I do really good things for her....Now I see I am only Enabling her to abuse my life again. She's never sorry.....they wait and decide "Mom will forget that episode"....then she starts it again. Fake nice nice turns in to Evil hate hate . She returns evil for the good I did for her life.
If we define ourselves by who likes us, who and what we can manifest in our lives, ego ambition fulfilment, external achievements, etc we will be constantly disappointed in life and in ourselves. Our society, as a whole, expects us to make our dreams come true, check-off our Bucket Lists, and end strong, creating a final picture that makes our lives 'make sense'. If we have a dream we have to let go, that can add to our own harsh judgements of ourselves as being unfit to drive our lives. We are quick to label each other losers. The narc society casts the net of weakness over those who are ever defeated because the narc stops at nothing to achieve their goals. I remember the one thing I had to say to the person my narc-ex "let steal him away': " Being a go-getter is great, but how about tempering that with a bit of the Golden Rule? " She looked at him, he looked at me, she looked at me. Not a word was spoken, but the message was clear " Why would you do That? How would you always Win that way?? " See...
Very helpful thank you. I forgot to enjoy my no contact it was done with my family of origin out of necessity for my well-being and it’s been a few years now and you reminded me to enjoy what I no longer have to tolerate. It’s never an easy thing to do and there’s so much stigma and guilt enjoying it didn’t occur to me. I mean really consciously looking at the benefits.
"You can use your illusion, let it take you where it may We live and learn, and then, sometimes, it's best to walk away Me, I'm just here hanging on, it's my only place to stay At least for now, anyway I've worked too hard for my illusions just to throw them all away" -Guns N' Roses, "Locomotive (Complicity)"
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Just because they can do one nice thing does not mean I should be around them.
Absolutely 💯
What onlookers don't understand is that no contact is a devastating choice that is often a lifetime in the making. Not a trend, not an impulsive decision. It's our less-worse hell out of two options of hell. It's never clear cut, and full of second-guessing. After all, us adult children of neglectful and abusive families are Olympic-level self- second-guessers. What drove it home for me was my parents' and brother's reactions to me - at the time - asking for some space and saying I'll be out of contact for a while due to needing peace and privacy while my partner and I were going through IVF. They called me a narcissist, deranged, deluded, ungrateful, sub-human, the reason our family unit is divided (that last one was a real doozie! Spoken my my alcoholic brother who punched my two front teeth out in my teens). It was that reaction that made me upgrade "taking space for a while" to NC.
I know what this is like. To hurt you is there only means to get supply and it will never stop. If you are truly in a bind, save money to see a good lawyer who will have lots of ideas to keep you free from them. Some money is worth spending. I have been through hell with my abusive parents that many people refuse to believe. Don’t worry about them. In fact, tell NO ONE and save money and make detailed plans to get out and go no contact. I promise you that you are fighting for your very life. They want you to think you cannot live without them, but that’s but another lie. You can and you must. Ensure that you will have a beautiful life, *with the help of a therapist * I escaped parents who should’ve been in prison. Now I am a law student who will soon be married. If you are18 or 89 yrs old - you can and must do this. I send love & support from the bottom of my heart to all of you who feel you simply can’t do it. YOU CAN!!
I knew I had to go no contact from my family when I was pregnant. The stress of dealing with them was too hard on my body and I feared for my pregnancy. Your toxic family is slowly killing you inside and out so make the decision for your health.
Exactly
Going through the same thing thought/feels like I’m the only one dealing with this it’s so lonely I isolate a lot!! It’s so painful 😢
@@missbcritiques9209 Believe it or not, there are more and more of us turning up more than you would think. Your the loneliness will not last forever
This same thing happened with me. When I came back to the US pregnant in 2007 with our first son, I KNEW I had to not only get and stay away from my birth mother but I also knew I had to keep her away from my baby (and all future children). I told my husband this and he was not in agreement at the time so (he) continued to invest time in to getting her to be the grandma he wanted her to be but she only disappointed him. By the time our first son was 6 and we’d had our second son, I had decided I would not proceed further with her no matter what and so cut her off. That was in Feb. 2013. I only wish I’d done it sooner. For ME.
For your health, joy, sanity, peace, and everything. Sometimes you just have to choose you and don't apologize for it. I pray that all is well with you and yours IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
I knew a women who survived an long abusive marriage. Somehow, she got a modest home.
When I was at her home, she showed me her back yard. It was incredible! She put her heart and her pain into growing beautiful plants and flowers. There was a huge pile of rocks in the back corner of her lawn. Every rock she pulled out of the yard, she piled on top of the others. She said” that is where I buried my ex husband, emotionally. She had a dog Lacy, who loved and guarded her. It took time, but she found a new life and things she loved. She was never abused again. God bless you Marge, Ive never forgotten your kindness and strength.
Wow....beautiful story
Im.glad you found.a.niche.it is my 15th christmas.with.saddness.in my heart.merry christmas.2021.be well
Wow! Beautiful! thanks for sharing.
I love the Rock idea....thanks for sharing it !!
it is sad though that this woman did not try to leave that abusive marriage, and have an alternative happy life without her abuser.
Remembering the bad was a huge key to lessening the pain I felt. It reminded me that I was distracting myself from abuse, not the random nice version that my inner 4 yr old missed.
Best decision I made in my whole life was going no contact with my whole family. Love my healing path. I've found my peace since going no contact.
I wish you continue finding new levels of inner peace ❤️
That's awesome. I'm so happy for you! Was it scary? I'm terrified!
Tough truth: When you leave a dysfunctional family you are leaving the Dysfunctional World. Family is our first measure of health & wealth. When you leave it; you are in no man’s land. You will feel real dna life blood loss the rest of your life and will have to forever struggle to fill the void, find a tribe. But you will be free.
I’m 56 years old, and want to thank you for saving my life with your videos!
You are so welcome!
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
• The Illusions of the Narcissist
• The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
• Living in the War Zone
• 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
• 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
• Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
• Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
• Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
• Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
• And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
7 mornings in a row as of today, I have woke up having good and pleasant dreams. I went NC August 13, 2019. So it's been almost 6 months. Healing is a beautiful thing. I don't miss the nightmares at all. Hope you all can heal.
Thanks. Working on it!
How’s the nc going ? It’s been a year since I’m curious 🤔
Thank you for saying that because my NC has only been 10 days and I am having night mares and dreams of the narc being a good person - it will only ever be a dream because there is nothing good that will come out of that
@@tanyamiller6275Dear Tanya M, How are you now a days? I went No Contact with family of origin in April this year 2023. I'm slowly slowly recovering.
@@elizabethdarley8646 💗
I want to thank you for giving me permission to remember the bad.
I realized that I have been culturally shamed among other things into accepting abuse and accepting being taken advantage of or being treated poorly.
“Facing reality, though hard, is less hard on you than not facing reality” 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
wow, so true.
What baffled me the most was finding out, as an adult, that friends and relatives of my mother saw the gas lighting and abuse and did nothing. Others have point blank asked me how I could dare turn my back on my mother. They saw the side of her that she put forth to the public. They saw Dr Jekyll. I got Mr. Hyde.
Bystanders are cowards.
1) Resolve our internal relationship with the abuser. Work on attachment/enmeshment/trauma bonding to them. Accept the lost fantasies, illusions and dreams to face reality. 2) Resolve hurt, anger, fear, self-criticism of having to go no contact. 3) Remember the bad. 4) Practice kindness with yourself. Find a way to self-soothe when pining for attachment. Bond with ourselves. 5) Practice self power retention. 6) Find an anchor or support. 7) Work toward emotional neutrality. 8). No contact is not the same as running away. Running away is done because of wounding. No contact is done out of love and self-differentiation. 9) Benefits of going no contact: a) freedom, b) peace, c) everything is as it seems, d) getting yourself back, e) you get to have healthy relationships, f) no longer walking on eggshells, g) no more navigating emotional landmines and boobytraps, h) somatic symptoms abate, i) depression lifts, j) you are empowered for self-agency and self-advocacy.
Thank you for doing that! You are appreciated.
💜💜
Perfect notes. You are an A+ student with this video. ❤️😁😎. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You are greatly appreciated.
Thanks. This is very helpful note taking!
Thank you so much for this!
I always remember the bad times to remind me to be strong. Although they gave me some good memories but I paid them with my life and time, so those good memories are not worth remembering.
Haven't seen my mother for over 15 years. Have mourned the loss of having a mother. I often say ' I miss having A mother, but NOT my mother ' Realising she could nor would ever give me what I needed, simply because she is not capable of changing. Unfortunately I'm still stressed and depressed and not coping very well at times. Slowly realising I'm going to he same thing with my in laws. Weird. That seems to be the thing that my husband and I - unknowlingly - bonded over all these years ago. My children (18 and 15) do not like how they are being treated by them and it seems the end of their relationship is near. My children know of my struggle. I hope I've been a 'good' mother to them and the cycle is effectively broken. My life won't get much better, but I hope they can find their way in life without this kind of burden. Fingers crossed
Oh my God, I understand. It's odd growing up an orphan, even though you have parents. And the ex and I bonded over crazy mothers; the problem was, his mother's crazy was genetic, and he turned out to be just like her. I left the day he threatened to kill me if I hit him back. I thank God daily we did not have children. I would not have allowed them to see either set of grandparents, and after the divorce, I would have taken those kids and moved to another country to get away from the domestic violence.
I went no contact and I have the Holy Spirit who is with me 24 hours a day praise God.
Amen!
🙏🏼🌴🐈🐈🐈🌴🏴☠️
Very great post.
I needed this comment. I went no contact with my parents a few years ago, and never intended to go no contact with my sister but now have no other option. I’ve been so sad about it, but I can’t be the scapegoat any longer.
I was feeling distressed and your comment reminded me that I am not alone and I am accepted and loved.
I wasn't detached but i had to go no contact. The toxic system was making my chronic illness worse and it was hell. Time for disentangling now 💜
🙏💜 ditto for me ✌️💜
It's bad enough to be treated badly by the narcissist and the enablers/flying monkeys, but I won't do it to myself!
I'm in tears with relief. Thank you so much. I've gone no contact and I'm struggling through the issue of even MORE isolation. I needed this talk right now . Perfect timing. The universe made me watch you. THANK YOU. I don't feel alone anymore. Relief 😌
I feel led as well. thank you Universe 😊
its hard abut you wont be lonely now even if you are alone
We are not running we are choosing 🙏 Thnxyou ❤
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this series. I have been low contact with my parents/extended family for about a year since I moved abroad, but went completely no contact just two days ago. I'm so glad I found this series so I could anticipate the feelings that would come up and keep note of everything that's going on before it gets bad. I loved the quote: "You walk in a different neighborhood now, one that does not have booby traps." So true; while I am grappling with the true loss of my fantasy family unit, my head feels so much clearer and I'm feeling less and less like I'm in "The Truman Show."
I’m glad you find my videos helpful, thank you for your support!
I am living out the benefits you described, just as you have explained, since I went no contact with my family of origin over a year ago. I never even realized all the ways I was a captive. Drama free living without second guessing or dread, or anxiety. This was a wonderful post of hope for those who believe they are trapped.
No contact with my father for two years in a few weeks. He was bad for my health. He manipulated, gaslighted my whole family, and had rages in which he was physically abusive. I decided I could not deal with him any more. It was hard at first especially because I had lost my mom the year before. Working on my self esteem, boundaries, and self care. I am the red truck I am focusing on! Best thing I have done!
Had to go NC again. Focusing on getting back emotional stability and calmness after cruel vicious treatment by family (sister, brother, mother). Emotional pain is gut-wrenching torment.
Already 100% doing well. I need to continue to work on my self and my own triggers. I choose calmness!! 🙏 Indeed I forgive them but I can't be around the cruel unkind, gossip and selfish mean treatment. Best to you all. Keep learning and focus on calm. Work through your reactive emotional side.
This was helpful. I have experienced several of the benefits of going no contact that you discussed like having peace, no patience for bs from others, and that things are just what they are...no hidden agendas. I am very protective of my space and energy now. thank you for sharing.
God bless the Internet
The thing with Narcissist is that they only insist in THEIR FANTASIES being fulfilled / realized (regardless of how impractical or illegitimate they may be) while at the same time totally discounting and disregarding the dreams and aspirations others have (regardless of how legitimate or practical they may be). Narcs always achieve their ‘success’ at others’ cost (be it physical, emotional or financial). It’s an unmistakeable pattern. I think successful relationships are those where the two people VALUE each other enough to want to MUTUALLY SUPPORT each others’ aspirations. Any imbalance there and that train is destined to derail sooner or later.
Wise words
So wonderful and true. I know the best thing I ever did for myself was to go no contact. I remember when I was finally learning and trying to change and setting boundaries; they started calling me crazy ... they wanted me to be the old voiceless doormat and put me back in my dysfunctional role... I could no longer so I disappeared, what else is there to do when no one wants to hear you. Thanks for your videos. God bless!
Wow, I could have written this.
"I disappeared, what else is there to do when no one wants to hear you"
Simple, but profound. Thank you!
@@jmvwegnerpriest Stay safe and strong. God bless you!
25:23 I cried like a baby....thank you Sir, God Bless You xox
Thank you for your wise and kind words. Immensely helpful and validating. Was taught to stay for way too long in narc relationships in the name of religion, love and forgiveness until I was entirely depleted. I had no choice but to cut ties. God does not approve of the abuse of power and evil behavior.
You forgive for you so you can heal and move on. It may take a long time to do this. That doesn't mean you have to let them back in your life. You did the right thing. I am no contact with my father.
@@preciousgem9343 ❤🩹
Even though I am on the other side and 90% free from my narcissist family, I still need to listen to all this. When I was in therapy 15 years ago, the common thought was to learn how to deal with them in my life. Fortunately, I listened to my gut and as part of my healing process I began to emotionally distanced myself from them even though I still went to Thanksgiving or got together for a day or two. I am so glad to see that today we know these people never change and the more you give them your time and energy the more they will take and leave you drained and even worse keep you distracted from living your best life.
Thank you for making this videos! They reassure me that I have made the right choice to get away and to keep my boundaries high when I do interact with them.
Thank you so much, Jerry! I am now in the phase (post separation from family) of fixing my narc radar/response system. I can self advocate very well, except when it comes to toxic people who are subtle with their public insults and put downs. i love your concept of internal boundaries, so i’m working on getting mine built. Wish me luck!
How did RUclips know that this was just what I needed to hear? I’m taking care of my 90-year-old mom, so I can’t go no-contact now. I am learning from my siblings that standing up for myself is bad. “I do not exist.” I need to go alone to get along. (Yes, alone) A few years ago, when I found my voice, a tiny one, and I started to express myself, I was told that I was becoming very stubborn and that all my siblings felt this way. Yet, I was just setting a few boundaries, not wanting to continue being a doormat not included in decisions, discussions, and other things. Yes, I upset the equilibrium. I have gradually pulled away; I lessen my exposure, but when I do see them, they completely ignore me. I do not exist. It hurts so badly. They “love up” my adult children, who don’t understand/see the bad treatment that is directed my way. When I talk to siblings/my children about specific things that were done or said, they deny or ignore it. When I tell my 'closest' sister that this is happening, she dismisses what I am saying and tries to find alternative explanations. I have told my sisters that once mom passes away, I will go no contact with the family. I don't want to do this while mom is around because it would be so hurtful to her (and I'm her primary caretaker). (I feel bad that I’m waiting for this to happen.) I was accused of breaking up the family. But the exclusion continues.... This is all confusing and embarrassing to me; I guess that’s where my fantasy of having a family that actually cares about me fits in. Ironically, perhaps they are going no contact with me - in my presence by completely ignoring me. Why do I go to family events? For mom. Today, I told my sister that I found out accidentally from mom that my niece had a wedding shower yesterday and everyone was invited but me. And I’m the officiant at the wedding. No response yet. My conclusion is that, for my own mental health, I need to see them less and less often without upsetting mom. Eventually, I plan to move away and not leave a forwarding address. I need to self-soothe and become my own red truck and find a supportive red truck. Although I’m worthless to them, I’m not worthless.
Well I am very thankful to have come across this channel.
This video is very helpful but I think I have done it all wrong. Now I just beat myself up and I feel worse.
It’s too much for me to be around my family, I feel everything, all the feelings of everyone probably even the dog. I don’t want it o hurt anyone I just want peace so badly.. ☹️
Control has a big issue in family
Excellent clarification! Shifting focus to the red truck is not denial. For years, I thought I wasn't dealing with my emotions when I struggled with this. If I wanted to shift my focus, drop the thoughts, stop analyzing how I felt, etc., I couldn't let go of thinking that I was in denial. After so many years of this struggle, I appreciate the confirmation that it is self care and not denial. I have also seen that the constant wanting to be extra sure if I made the right decision was about the self doubt that results from a narcissistic family of origin, especially the narc mother.
You are absolutely right shifting to a red truck is not denial focusing on yourself and doing self care does not mean you are not in acknowlegement of the Realities of your family of origin
Hi grace I hope you will go to my new website at Jerry wise relationship systems.com and sign up to become a member on my website
@@jerrywise help can't go no contact parents .. won't let go ..both NPD am in therapy trying hard accept things processing letting go . Pain hurt fear fear talking fear letting go nothing works omg ! Always when making some progress they call n back to freeze
This is a great video. I was always confused about when you talked about "cutting off" and now I understand the difference between "cutting off or running away", which leads to years of agony because you're stuck in that Disney fantasy of a happy home that you never had, and "no contact" which was the easiest thing I ever did. No contact truly is easy because it brings with it every benefit you spoke of. instant peace, freedom, not having to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop, you just live your life without bullshit and with confidence. It's easy because that's exactly how life is supposed to be: peaceful, easy, safe and actually predictable and boring, not a hostage situation in a battle zone because you used the wrong brand of olive oil.
thx for sharing. this is my goal.
Great comment. 23 years since my wife and I bailed out and it’s been so nice.
Heaven knows what kind of chaos we’ve avoided. Best thing we ever did
Omg Rachel! thank you for sharing! I can’t believe someone else lived through the same « using the wrong olive oil “ flip accusation of inadequacy & rant… Just wow.
"Navigating emotional landmines" --Jerry Wise
It is what it is.
Thank God it isn’t what it was. ☺️
The cycle of worship, condemnation, and the declarations of what is and is not appropriate(hint: I am not!)
Add to that the verbal threat of humiliating me. Please God make it stop.
Today, I stayed home alone. I did some work. Getting acquainted with a stranger. Me.
Amen freedom at once
You are truly a gift, Jerry.
Thank you for the kind words
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
they will never change
They might, but it isn’t our responsibility to change them or to make them change
I have gone grey hard rock with them all
The hardest part of no contact for me is having small children...and they are surrounded by friends who have grandparents, aunts etc and your child does not. As much as chosen family is great, they are often busy on holidays etc. Does anyone else out there who is a parent struggle with this one?
Yes. It is hard. My children are young adults now though. I wish I would have had my Catholic faith back when they where small, I would have had another support that helped us all. My faith is what has helped me to take do the work of going no contact. I honestly had such a tough time after my divorce (our children were only 1,5 and 3), so I have struggled since but God is omnipotent and now I finally understood to follow His words. I wish I would have taught my children to pray at early age. So powerful for their souls and such a protection. They learn resilience and so much more. Pray and follow the Holy Ghosts instructions, and you will see that you will find more peace and to not be afraid. Just trust.
Yep‼️‼️‼️💔😥
I struggled with it until after a phone call with my mother, my 13-yr-old son said to me, "Mom, can't you see Grandma is manipulating you?" Oh.... boy. That was the epiphany. My abusive narcissistic mother was interfering, competing with my relationship with not only my husband but also my KIDS. It was my oldest child who made it plain to me, and it was then I realized.... my mother would never be the type of grandmother that I had -- a loving, wise woman who taught me how to bake cookies, and how to tat lace, and how to make a wild onion kazoo. My mother was a selfish, manipulative woman who never even took care of her own mother -- my grandmother -- yet demanded that I give her control over MY bank account, when my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She will never change. She used my father up until he was a dried husk. And when he was dying, she turned to me to become her new narcissistic supply. I said, "NO." And as a result of that narcissistic injury.... she did not let me talk to my dad the night before he died........ After my father's death, I realized there was no way to have a healthy relationship with this woman. And neither would she have a healthy relationship with MY KIDS. It was re-inforced by my knowledge that my husband's parents were NORMAL. I was lucky enough to know them before they passed away, and they are my role model now for parenting -- NOT my mother. I am no-contact with her since my father's death. And slowly life is improving for ALL OF US. My kids are happier, my husband is happier, my finances are finally stabilizing. :( She was always trying to insert herself into my financial affairs all my life. Luckily my husband is an attorney, and he warned me against getting my mother involved in my kids' affairs..... no more manipulation. She has no empathy. She made a terrible parent, and she will not be missed as a grandparent.
Benefits of NO CONTACT Freedom
Peace / drama free
Done w/ living in the house of pain
No more agendas
You get YOU back
Value your intuition (no more ignoring red flags)
No more navigating emotional landmines
Empowerment self-agency self-advocacy’s (you are now versed in setting boundaries)
Disentangled yourself from possible booby traps
No more: Migraines
Depression
Time for healthy relationships
no more walking on egg shells
Mr. Wise…you are a God send!
This definitely gets a 2 thumbs up instead of 1. It amazes me when you narcissist abuse recovery coaches hit all the experiences and feelings that I've went through but you don't know me. So much of what you said resonated with my life with my narc mother and now also my narc brother. I went No Contact over a year ago, and you gave me confirmation that I'm doing it right. I wanted guidance on what should I be doing to heal now that I've excluded these people in my life All these videos have helped me get to where I need to be. Thank you.
Thank you Jerry! I grew up in a toxic family with abuse. My father was abused and in turn abused us, but to a much less degree. He is a different man now. He is one of my best friends. However one of my siblings is a lying, cheating, abandoning narcissist. I have loathed our relationship for 10 + years. He currently is cheating on his wife, got caught, kicked out of his house, and is now living with my parents again. He's been trying to reach out to me for his narcissistic supply but I no longer can do that. So I called him out on his lies and went no contact as of yesterday. Oh man did I open up pandoras box. My mom is a codependent so she has been drinking with him every night letting him waste hours of her life with his word salad. My dad just avoids them. My middle brother is Switzerland. He has already tried hoovering me today with text. I learned from your last video to keep my explanations to people short and sweet. I feel kinda out of it and lost today on day two but I know these feelings are temporary. I'm excited to do the inner healing like this video suggest. Thats where the real issue is, for me anyways. Thank you again for great free resources to help with the topic of narcissism. Bless you:)
Yep have a problem when you set boundaries while they whisper about everyone 😂😂😂
Patience is not waiting for someone else to change but waiting to see someone’s flaws and red flags and decide to be excluded from that society.
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Thanks so much 😊❤️ Jerry terrible 😭 way to live.I have gotten so much further in my journey.
This is an eye opener.
So glad! ❤️
I took SOOOO many deep sighs of relief while listening to this. Much of it was concepts I already knew from deductive reasoning and a bit of research, but a lot of benefits just were never said or written.out. Gave me something to look forward to. And I'm so proud of myself cause many realities like holding on to my dislike were things I rationalized on my own cause I would, otherwise, soften and be open to forgiveness or open myself to be a target again. The hatred will keep me from being anyone's punching bag. I'm smarter and more sensible than anyone will ever consider, and I can stand tall, now that my insecurity and anxiety are off my back. Thank you.
This is pure gold....thank you so much. Now I need a red truck :)
THIS! This is what I’m working on, accepting the trauma bond and embracing it before I let it go. No contact for two years and it was only yesterday I faced the terror that I still felt. Finally I saw it and it was such a relief because it was familiar and I knew I could let it go. Thank you for this video, it has helped. 🙏🏼
Thank you so much for watching
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I can't relate to anyone who goes no contact and all of a sudden, life is a bed of roses. I went no contact with the narcissistic family cult, my two adult daughters became part of the cult. My mother is the leader. I have complex PTSD. Without professional trauma counselling, i would have no hope of any recovery. Every cell in my body is on high alert. When it's your family of origin, it destroys your life. Only a mentally strong person will survive it and make a new life. Narcissist is just another word for evil or demon posessed.
It’s a extremely hard to grow up in such an environment and it takes lots of healing and inner work to grow out of it. Self differentiation work isn’t about getting ourselves out of the family but about getting the family out of us. Sending love and strength, keep up the growth and recovery ❤️
me too, Totally same, and too late to know the basic
at least you know how Demonic they are!! I almost killed, but didn't know until recently
You are absolutely right @musiccreator3559!!
true
One of the most important , validating ,reassuring ,helpful, informative videos I have found to date in my experience in the last year . Thank you so very much Jerry.
Very good video for the unfortunate population who live this experience. Thank you
Thank you so much Jerry ! So much knowledge. Especially helpful to realize why boundaries are so hard with certain people, they don't accept them. It's so true. That alone makes people want to avoid them.
This is one of the best videos I have ever listened to! I am working with a counselor and have a great support system but I am now starting no contact for at least the third time with my very toxic and elderly mother. I hope I can stick with it but this will help. Thank you so much Dr. @JerryWise!! I’m hoping to find even more materials from you about the guilt of going no contact from an elderly parent. In my case my mother is in a retirement community and they are wonderful. I can no longer tolerate trying to do everything for her and make her happy only to be criticized, told that what I’m doing is not enough, have her push and push to come live with us which can never happened largely due to her toxicity and self-centeredness over many years, and her telling me when things don’t go exactly her way (I don’t jump fast and high enough) that “you don’t give a damn about me and never have!“ thank you also for addressing the fact that physical symptoms of this kind of constant emotional abuse are a real thing! I’ve certainly felt that as well.
Hi Katie, Im sorry you went through this, I hope my videos will help you on your self differentiation and healing journey.
The goal is to refrain from the mind games, reset my peace, enjoy getting back use to being responsible for my own experience from now own, and prepare for whatever comes next.
It’s about focusing on improving our own emotional immune system so we will be able to deal better with emotional ‘viruses’. Keep it up
Thankyou. This has been helpful.
I was recently discarded for a new supply after a 26 year relationship with three beautiful daughters.
The last 24 of those years were filled with physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse. I went no contact 5 minutes of him walking out the door. It's been almost 5 weeks
This video has really helped me think differently. So again thankyou.
I’m happy the video is helpful ❤️
When I want to let go of fantasies and dreams about my family, they march in with their charms and pull me back in.
Called the spaghetti technique. They cannot possibly understand how you would have a great life without them! That cannot be possible. Oh my dear it is!
this was exactly what I needed right now. thank you for your wisdom
Good information an thank you
Sending you love from India. Your videos are priceless.
I subconsciously went no (little) contact without knowing the root cause of why I was doing it....
And every time the guilt of not seeing my family members caught up with me, I regretted contacting them again, as the old, dysfunctional dynamics would fall back in place in no time flat.
However, I've since learned the reason(s) for my internal apprehension.....And I'm working on not making those same mistakes over-and-over again.....In the meantime, the idea of complete "No Contact" is sounding better and better.
I find the 2nd guessing is of myself the worst part. I’m 2 years no contact with my mother and 1 year with my father and siblings because they were triangulated and just playing the flying monkey role.
There is so much that I want to say. I will to keep is short and simple for myself. If I am honest with myself my family always pushed me away. I really just needed to stay away. The "run and chase" applies to me. It seams like I keep repeating the "chaser" role. I think all I need to do is to Let Them Go.
Only you can decide what is right for you, I hope my work can give you clarity & strength to apply whatever you feel is right for you ❤️
This three part video series has been very helpful for me. Thank you.
Great video/message. Thanks for sharing. God bless.
So easy to listen to and very helpful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for the kind words and for being part of the community❤️
I like how Jerry addressed the "fantasy" of what you would want a relationship or family to be is more traumatizing than just accepting that it's not going to happen. Many of us get into trouble with those "fantasies" and it's what keeps us going running into the wall over and over.
We often learn these fantasies from our family of origin- if we "ask" our family to let go of their fantasies about us (who I should be / who they want me to be), why shouldn't we let go of our fantasies about them?
For real healing, we don't even need them to let go of their Fantasies about us, healing is about letting go of our own fantasies about ourselves - and our fantasies about them -
❤️
@@jerrywise Hi Jerry. Very wise. I appreciate your feedback.
Jesus wants to be our red truck. He bore on the cross all our hurts, especially the ones we don't realize are there because of subconscious numbing.
Not all of us find peace in religion. This channel is not one where you should promote such
@@Abraham-gf1oi Many will be comforted that's what is important. I suspect you would have been mum if my comment was laced with profanity.
@@birdiebirdie7187 Lovely. Based on your likes, the majority of us didn’t. It’s a matter of context, profanity isn’t of itself a bad thing. Posting religious doctrine on a video aimed toward people struggling with self, and life in general is just exploitation. It’s disgusting, and you shouldn’t be so shameless.
@@Abraham-gf1oi At least nine persons are meaningful enough. Jesus does not compete or compel but stands patiently at every heart's door. It is a privilege to know Him and to give Him the reigns of my life as the days become more bazaar. But that you would presume to dictate what should and should not be posted in the comments sections of a video - about things narcissism - that you did not produce . . . !
@@birdiebirdie7187 Even my dad who was Buddhist understood the story of Jesus. He sent me a Bible and recommended I read "Job" which he said was a very good story of a man surrounded by narcissists. I read this story as I was dealing with my narcissistic mother who created a smear campaign against me, when my dad was dying and I refused to become her new narcissistic supply. Both Job's story and Jesus' story are stories of two people persecuted by narcissists. :( Job survived. Jesus did not, but then God made him rise again. Jesus' story can still be comforting to someone who is not Christian. He was a good man who tried to help people, and jealous people wanted him dead. Yet his memory lives on, whereas the jealous priests who brought him to Pontius Pilate.... no one remembers them.
Thank you so much. It's worth noting too that sometimes you cause the abuser to wake up to the reality of their abusive behaviour and for them to be in such shock and pain that they seek help
Wow. How though ? My abuser is chilling on a playstation.
@@Zoya194 dont wait for that. Only occurs 1in 1million!!
@@munix9351 Thank you Queen. Will try and remember.
@@Zoya194 Agree with hello queen that it is rare..but it does happen. First and foremost though get free for your own wellbeing..
Still struggling to not be in it emotionally and mentally although separate physically.
Thank you 🙏 Jerry . Your advice and observations have helped me a lot. I totally agree that going no contact with a toxic person is actually the most love generating and hurt and pain and evil reducing thing we can do. God bless you❤
Thanking you Jerry 💖
This guy is one of the people I respect the most in the world. His work and insight is exemplary. His videos are among the best things on the internet. He puts out information that is extremely helpful to everyone, but gets very little views, because he is extremely boring and people only want to be entertained.
I don’t find him boring. But I get what you are saying, he presents the information with any frills. Which I like but others may not.
@@smoozerish Also, no background music, video editing, humorous wordplay or "hooks" for our sustained attention and excitement. Just a straightforward guy speaking sense to us like we're intelligent.
He does not need to entertain to be informative.😁
I am very thankful for what he offers and am hanging on every word of his wisdom. Thank you so much Jerry for all that you are doing to help people heal!
I could Cry for Joy, Jerry! I was up most the night last night harangued (yet again!) by how to tell my family some things I wanted to say and realizing that No Contact really is what the grown-up in me HAS to do. A few days ago I Screamed at my sister's spouse (who seems to be her enabler) and the anger that has built up and UP over feeling INSIGNIFICANT for so many years to my family. I did it! I messaged 2 family members on fb..I set a boundary and messaged my identical twin (we are in our 40s) that I WOULD NOT be responding to any attempts to reach me over the next year and a half. Woo Hoo! I ended w To everything turn, turn turn...
Hey Jerry! Update is that I realized that my 2 sisters are who they are...there are good qualities and bad in them as welll as in me. What I did was went back to what I essentially already WAS doing (if it ain't broke, don't fix it!) which was minimal contact. I still find it sad that we are not close, but need to let go of the fantasy that my sisters are going to be "oh so helpful" in my life or as Aunts to my 3 year old son.
@@slowroastedmarshmallow9226 hey there. So you have a narcissist twin also? I'm in a similar situation possibly with babies and my sister being childless and needing to go NC after she attacked me on my mother's day. It will take a while to detach and not hate her for it
That was so helpful and validating ,thank you Jerry.
Tremendously helpful video. Thank you so much! I was stuck for seven years of no contact but still ruminating over all the trauma left in me. Looking for my little red truck!
I can’t thank you enough Jerry. Your videos have saved my life. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
You are so welcome
A superb talk about the challenges of going no contact. Thanks for making these available.
if we lost them, we need to bond with yourself..
I appreciate you and your work. thank you 😊
I appreciate you too, thanks for being part of the community 🤍
Pure gold!!! Glad I came across this within weeks of starting my healing journey and addressing my mother wound!! Thank you
Many thanks
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
❤ great info as always, Jerry- your my mentor! I watched this three years ago and this is very relevant for my husband who has been no contact with his mother who is very manipulative and narcissistic. We just had a conversation before I found this video and spoke about the very things you are speaking of in this video. I grew up with an abusive, narcissistic mother too. I worked on better self differentiation after her death in 2016. My gosh the improvements I’ve made! I’m studying psychology and putting the final touches on my book about growing up in a narcissistic home…. ❤ thanks Jerry for all the help over the years! You are a Godsend!!!! 😉
Thank you for this video - and this set of videos on this topic. I found it so helpful and comprehensive. I liken the choice to go No Contact to the passage Mathew 7:6 about not casting pearls before swine. Could this be one interpretation?
Thank you for this. So many good tips and mind sets. I'm 26 and have been extremely LC for 4 years with NC on and off knowing that I was going to enter NC at some point. I have officially initiated full NC this month with an actual statement to the targets. Despite the fact that I've been working to this for 4 years, I have a lot to work through.
My kids grew up watching their Dad Narc emotionally destroy me, or do physical things....he refused to stop. He would say "She's insane....everybody hates you rmother"....and then say "I'm a positive person"....he was calling my family or origin and friends to make them dislike me or doubt me....I had no idea he was doing this. All of his very sick abuse to ISOLATE me from the neighbors, my family....and isolate me from my children. My kids are 36 and 39....They are Trained to be his Flying Monkeys. I divorced him....and he got worse. He would make threats "Now, I have to destroy your life"....he always was destroying my life....and the damages he would do to me....he w ould blame on me. Now we have an Adult Son...29, whom is extremely hateful Overtly Abusive. A Daughter that is extremely Covert...a long, long pattern all they way back to junior high.....where she would be Fake Nice to my face, and behind my back she was doing what her Dad did....trying to make people hate me. I found it, after she left for college....she wrote it and stuck it under her bed. She still does that. Even when I do really good things for her....Now I see I am only Enabling her to abuse my life again. She's never sorry.....they wait and decide "Mom will forget that episode"....then she starts it again. Fake nice nice turns in to Evil hate hate . She returns evil for the good I did for her life.
Jerry, your assistance and advice is priceless
I can't thank you enough 🙏
You are very welcome
28:56 no contact depression lifts
Thank you for helping me discover myself.❤
Self protection. Therapy. Lots, and lots of Therapy.
If we define ourselves by who likes us, who and what we can manifest in our lives, ego ambition fulfilment, external achievements, etc we will be constantly disappointed in life and in ourselves.
Our society, as a whole, expects us to make our dreams come true, check-off our Bucket Lists, and end strong, creating a final picture that makes our lives 'make sense'. If we have a dream we have to let go, that can add to our own harsh judgements of ourselves as being unfit to drive our lives. We are quick to label each other losers. The narc society casts the net of weakness over those who are ever defeated because the narc stops at nothing to achieve their goals.
I remember the one thing I had to say to the person my narc-ex "let steal him away': " Being a go-getter is great, but how about tempering that with a bit of the Golden Rule? " She looked at him, he looked at me, she looked at me. Not a word was spoken, but the message was clear " Why would you do That? How would you always Win that way?? "
See...
Very helpful thank you. I forgot to enjoy my no contact it was done with my family of origin out of necessity for my well-being and it’s been a few years now and you reminded me to enjoy what I no longer have to tolerate. It’s never an easy thing to do and there’s so much stigma and guilt enjoying it didn’t occur to me. I mean really consciously looking at the benefits.
Thank you Mr. Wise.
Amazingly SPOT ON! Very helpful… invaluable really. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
"You can use your illusion, let it take you where it may
We live and learn, and then, sometimes, it's best to walk away
Me, I'm just here hanging on, it's my only place to stay
At least for now, anyway
I've worked too hard for my illusions just to throw them all away"
-Guns N' Roses, "Locomotive (Complicity)"