i am SO MOVED by how many young people feel safe with the words i say. i wish i had had them to share with more people i knew growing up. this is a hard topic. it's very hard to discuss. i thank you all for your bravery!!
Mayim you should pin this tweet to the top. i think those children need to see your response. it breaks my heart to see how many of them are replying to your video.
yes you did a great job in this video. i was raised mostly by mom and sister 10 years older then me. and and both were the same. most of it was like you said play nice with your toys or i will take them a way kind of discipline. i bet your a good mom. write back if you want to.
It seems that people are lumping together spanking a child and full-on beating the absolute shit out of them. There's a difference. Spanking a child shouldn't be a go-to for discipline, but it shouldn't be excluded entirely. Kids should know that there's consequences for their actions. For example, if someone who refuses to spank their kid instead puts him (let's assume it's a boy) in time-out for punching them, what do you think the kid is going to relate to punching someone? If they think it's worth it and they punch another kid, they aren't going to get time-out. They're gonna get a black eye. A kid needs to experience pain. It may seem harsh, but it's good to know. Life is full of pain. A kid needs to know that they can't just get off with a time-out for everything.
Definitely Not A Sociopath this response is so on point. I started posting months ago with this same mentality but could not get past that wall of spanking and beating being very different. After someone chimed in with a comment simply that i am "scum" and some nonsense about how my kids will beco.e robbers... i gave up and deleted my comments. The thing I love about this post is that Mayim got people fired up about something that affects most people. I love a good debate where info is shared.
Strict parenting just made me a good liar. My desire to avoid punishment and dissappointment by my parents made me very skilled at constructing stories to explain behaviors, habits and actions. This might be me being overly conflict averse, or my parents had a way of dealing with problems that seemed too much like unneccessary conflict.
I think that kind of goes into what she says about avoiding pain. The parents may think by hitting their kids when they do something wrong they're conditioning them not to do the thing that was wrong, when actually they just might be conditioning the kid to avoid getting caught. All the kids know is that if their parents see them doing a thing, something bad will happen. So they hide it and "all is well". When parents actually communicate with their kids, the kids know why they can't do something. And their conscience will inform them that that thing is wrong even the parents aren't around.
My brother always lies. He denies everything even when it's clearly his fault, and he really gets worked up and starts shouting. I believe it's my dad's fault. He used to be really strict and he regularly hit my brother. I believe that if my parents had used a different parenting method, my brother would have been different now. He would have been more brilliant than me, he would have addressed his curiosity and his hyperactivity to something more productive. He was always treated as the "black sheep", but he was just misunderstood. People always thought that I was the smartest in our family, but I was just more disciplined. My brother was clearly smarter, I've always known that. I wish he will understand one day, that everything I tell him is to encourage him to do better. However, he never listens to me, and he thinks that I despise him or have a very low opinion on him. Wish things were different...
Yes, maybe your parenting was too strict. I knew a girl who got grounded without much reason (including eating a flower once) and she began running away at night. Constantly getting punished is bad I think. I think it's good when parents only say what they mean and then keep it, threat or promise. I think there should be consequences, but they have to be consistent and make sense. Parents that make empty threats or promises don't get taken seriously. I'm also against violence.
One day I was babysitting this 4-year-old child. He and his sister adore me, they love coming to our house, but I know why: their family is quite dysfunctional, I won't tell the whole story. I just realised how bad the situation was when, while me and (let's call him Z.) were playing, he threw a heavy toy and hit my toe. He didn't mean to hurt me of course! So I stopped playing and, as I was going to tell him very calmly not to do that again, I saw him crouching on the sofa and covering his head with his tiny arms. It was truly heartbreaking, he was terrified! So I still told him not to do that again, then I hugged him and told him "I won't hurt you, but you hurt me, you understand?" I wish I could adopt him and his sister, and save them from all this suffering.
I was hit growing as a child. As a result, I never had a good relationship with my parents. I feared my dad and hated my mum. I never fixed the relationship with my mum before she died. I would never, ever want my children to feel about me the way I felt about my parents. Hitting is the lazy way to discipline.
I can relate to what you said so much bc I have anger issues and more issues that I can’t control and I always get hit and yelled at sometimes or even stuff thrown at me or slapped in my face and my brother said to my parents “I don’t like getting hit in my face please don’t do that” but I get hit in the face he doesn’t. and it scares me and traumatizes me so much and the sadness I feel is unbearable I get blamed too
I wish my parents had heard this and let me tell you why. As a child I loved to draw. One afternoon after school I came home, did my homework, and sat down at the kitchen table to draw an image i saw in a book and wanted to see if I could replicate it. After I was done I was impressed with my accomplishment (which meant the world to me at the time) and wanted to show my mother. The next 20 minutes was probably one of the most horrifying as she slapped me across the face and continued to beat me with a studded leather belt that I tried to hide under my fathers desk in order for her to stop beating me across the back....only my legs were exposed and she continued to beat my legs for what seemed an eternity...crying and begging her to stop and promising I wouldn't draw again. She was upset because she thought I was drawing and never did my homework.......she never asked....she just assumed I didn't. Parental discipline at its best. I held back every artistic desire I had until I turned 50 and by a freak encounter became an actor. Once again, I wish your insight was available back then for her to hear.
I hope she felt like shit when she realized you'd done your homework. But probably not. Anyone who'd savagely beat their child for supposedly not doing their homework (even if you really hadn't done it before drawing, you obviously still wouldn't have deserved that) is obviously some sort of psychopath.
I was beaten as a child, bruises and all, and I still haven't forgotten about it and feel angry about it!! You don't forget these beatings when you are older and they do affect you mentally. I have a child and we are not disciplining him with violence..!
David Henderson being spanked Bd being beat are two different things. Sorry that happened to you. I was beat also, I had to literally fight my mother off of me. She only hit me because I was the only one that fought back. I can't hug my mother like my sisters can. Her hands to me are the hands of the devil. I spanked my daughter once only once. After I took things away from her as a form of discipline.
Same. My dad was a psychotic ex marine and a sociopath. He just got in moods and would throw me across the room, even when I was close to 300 lbs. Because of him, I can't argue with anyone, or even think about arguing with someone, without picturing the person taking a swing at me. Because of that, my reaction is to come in hot, to gain the upper hand, rather than being able to communicate.
I remember being slapped as a child and I never felt remorseful or sorry; I felt resentment. It wasn’t a hatred for what I did wrong it was for my mother. I get losing patience is easy, particularly for young parents but it’s pretty screwed up that someone’s first thought is hitting someone much smaller than them that can’t fight back because it’s all they know. I think it is a generational thing, typically people who were hit as a child still hold the same distaste for and and don’t do it with their own kids. I know that will be the case for me.
It made me even more defiant, I didn’t care for the beating. As the years went by I completely lost respect for my father. It made me see him as a piece of shit. I mean, who would hit a kid? I look at kids now and I can’t imagine ever hurting them, there’s no reason to do so, and no excuse. They’re so tiny and they don’t think like adults, as grown ups we should protect them.
If your child is old enough to understand why what they did was wrong, then there's no need to hit them. If your child is not old enough to understand what they did was wrong, then they won't understand why you're hitting them.
I will, my kids won't think violence solves problems. They'll know that communication and understanding do. You can punish children in ways that don't involve violence or pain.
*I got spankings, switchings, and beltings.* I was the perfect little kid in school. I was -respectful- fearful of authority. I listened, I never hurt anyone, I smiled. I also had issues with low self esteem, social anxiety, and self harmed in high school. _But, hey, I turned out fine._ Spanking taught me to bottle up anger and violent thoughts and turn them inward. I never, ever, respected my parents more after they hit me. It always hurt and I would hate them for those brief minutes of pain and then feel guilty for feeling that intense hatred afterward. It was learned helplessness. I hated myself for causing my pain and my parents for hurting me. And I was smaller than them, so I was helpless when they took my own bodily autonomy away from me. Their own lack of emotional maturity, especially my mother, was the reason for 95% of my spankings. She was quick to anger and often petty. She never learned to communicate. Never learned patience. *They were just doing what was done to them, without empathy or the desire to learn differently.* I still love them. Always will. But I will never trust or respect them as fully as I wish I could.
me mo Same. I wish I could trust and respect my parents like before. But after they hit with me a spoon/chord/belt, all those precious thoughts I had of them crippled and died. Never to return again.
I am a well-educated, driven and polite person. I feel this has masked the fact that my dad hitting me created problems with anxiety and depression since I was about 12, and impacted my college performance as well. He says all the stereotypical things about hitting kids - "I was hit I turned out fine", etc, which by the way is not true in his evident explosive temper. Growing up I never knew what was right or wrong, I just had fear that anything might upset dad, which led to anxiety -- not a good way to structure or discipline me at all. Just caused life long mental illness.
Sarah Pajek I definitely got a problem with explosive anger. Cause everytime dad hit me I just wanted to hit back, and I feel like a monster is hiding under my skin waiting to erupt and cause harm. I was never hit hard, a slap or two, but I was terrified of it. I just didn't think it was fair. I could wrap my tiny baby mind around it. What am I being hit for? And then I learned to take it and to live with it but I guess there goes my repressed anger
Ugh, “I was hit and I turned out fine” people. Well. I wasn’t hit and I turned out fine too. With the added bonus of turning out fine completely pain-free!
Sarah Pajek I experienced the same, I would advise you to get some talk therapy and look into Cptsd. Please take an hour and do some research it will make sense and change your life.
When beating me up, my dad would continue hitting me for crying and screaming of pain, because he didn't want neighbours to be disturbed and he would hit me harder, telling me to shut up and I would cry more, so it was a cycle. I'm a girl and that was until 16 years. Trust me it influenced me really badly and I wouldn't wish it to anyone.
I grew up with 4 siblings; three older brothers and one little sister. If one of us did something wrong or if we didn't listen to mom or dad; they would sit us down at the kitchen table, talk to us in a strong/powerful voice, tell us what we did wrong and give us a warning. EVERY TIME we didn't 'behave', they did this and it WORKED. They did this in the car, at the mall or at a restaurant (more hidden). No hitting/spanking, no yelling. I had a friend who grew up with three sisters, two older and one younger. I remember when I was outside playing hide and seek with my friend one day, I noticed a huge bruise on her shoulder. I simple asked her about it and she said "my dad got mad because I didn't do my homework". I thought back to the one time I didn't do my homework and my punishment was to not watch any cartoon that evening with my brothers and for a little kid who loved cartoon, THAT made me sad. I don't think I realised that her dad had actually hit her since I was too young, until later that week when I knocked on her door and her dad opened. He yelled "She's NOT coming outside to play!". She was behind him and said that she had done her homework and asked please. He left the door open as he ran to her, grabbed her by her arms and threw her down to the floor and I will NEVER forget the panic in her eyes. Today, she's in no contact with her parents. She said a few years ago that "they abused me and I didn't understand why they hurt me". She needed years of therapy. As I feel for her, I am so thankful that my parents did the right thing even though they had a handful with 5 kids with 1-2 years apart.
Similarly to my case, I was sleeping outside of house for 2 whole night like a homeless person when I was 4, got beaten everyday that it leave scar on my body (until I was 10), being insulted (fagot, useless) infront of public when was a kid, now to me both my parents are just biological parents, nothing more nothing less. 😢 Each story that end sadly have a sad beginning. A reason why most of elders end up alone without even a child on their side. Emotional attach between a parent and child are important especially when they still developing, emotionally and physically.
When I was little (4 ish) my mom recorded me with a tape recorder when I would whine or throw a tantrum. She played it back to me so I could hear what it sounded like. She asked me if I wanted to sound like that, realized I didn’t and never did it again.
I remember this woman that I knew she had kids that were much younger than me and they threw a fit in a grocery store and she said she literally flopped herself on the floor on her back and kicked and screamed and threw a temper tantrum and the kids were so embarrassed she said that they never did it again. sometimes it takes stuff like that to make the kids realize that they're being Stupid.
oh my...so many people are going to have VERY strong opinions about this one!!!! we are going to post a list of countries that have banned hitting children; you might be surprised! more later!!!
I will check later, but is Canada included there? In Canada spanking is allowed, but with restrictions. And no one talks about the specifics. People assume that spanking is, or isn't allowed. Also, you'd never know because, when I was growing up, the common question in a power-struggle with a parent and child, was a parent asking "do you want a spanking?" and then it's done not long after; even in public. Now no one does, though people still have the same opinions both ways. Though, I've also never heard a parent of a 1.5 year old counting down the days to their 2nd birthday when they can legally spank them. Nor do I hear 12.5 year olds planning to smash cake in parents' faces on their 13th birthdays to rub in their faces "haha you can't spank me no more!". Or those in the Judeo-Christian circles who mis-interpret "the rod", as spanking can only be done with an open hand; no objects. Personally, I think if you must spank, it should be VERY limited; even more than Canadian laws; by the time they start school, they should have the ability to reason and learn from things, and be told more reasons of "why" they can't do things besides "because I said so, I'm the mom/dad and God told you to obey me". Thanks for the video.
I was smacked, as was my brother, and seeing him smacked was more distressing to me than being smacked myself. It also didn't affect our long-term behaviour in a positive way. We just became secretive because we didn't want to be smacked. Our parents weren't even unkind people, they just were raised to believe that's what discipline looked like. I agree with everything you said here. There are far better ways to teach kids. Hitting them just shows them there is a positive context for hitting.
I had never heard of rearing children without hitting/spanking/etc. until my first husband brought it up. He asked me if I would be willing to consider rearing our 5- and 2-year-old without corporal punishment. I laughed at the thought but thought it wouldn't hurt to try, so I told him I would think about it. Two to five weeks later, he was killed in a plane crash, and as I stood over his grave, I promised him there would be no such punishment in our house. I had no idea how to do that, but that's the way it was. The only books on rearing children that I knew about then were Dr. Spock's and Dr. Dobson's. Hah! Think about it.
As a child, my parents would smack my sisters and I for literally everything. The abhorrence of our behaviour however, is what determined what we got smacked with. If we yelled - we got a hand. Took something that wasn't ours - a wooden spoon. Something worse - a belt. The thing I got disciplined most for as a child was "retaliation". By this, my parents meant that if my sister hit me and I hit her back, I had retaliated and was therefore worse than her. My sister would not be punished as I had "already punished her". As I got older (8ish) if my sister did something wrong I would hit her, thinking I was doing the right thing by disciplining her. Then as punishment for hitting her, my parents would hit me. THIS IS SO CONFUSING to a child. By the time I was 12 I was able to articulate the absurdity of what was happening. I told my parents they were hypocritical. That their "discipline" was reactionary not disciplinary. I had explained how they had instilled in me that if someone does something I don't like, my first response should be to hit them. Their response? "Clearly you haven't been smacked hard enough to know that's not acceptable". Smacking teaches kids that violence is the answer. It teaches them to be impatient. My parents would tell me "I got smacked as a child and I turned out fine". Sure, some people might think that, but if you think it's okay to hit a small, developing human who idolises you and depends on you, did you really turn out "fine"? ~end rant~
Emily so sorry to hear that. My mom has said a similar thing about her upbringing by her grandparents. While I was hit for a short period as a child my parents decided not to hit my brother which I totally supported growing up 10 years apart. Whenever my mom kind of used that "I turned out fine even though I was hit," or something like that I always say yeah but you don't talk fondly about your grandparents. Even today when she discusses them it's always with a kind of distaste in her mouth. Just because you respect someone doesn't mean you like them. I much rather be love and respected by somebody and hated and disrespected in memory.
Emily I'm 18 and a male I say this because I notice a lot of people who identify as wemon are commenting on this video I wasn't affected to greatly by being hit but I learned at an early age not to do bad things I won't get hit. My theory is boys are not as emotionally attached therefore if you hit them when they grow up they wont complain about it or that could just be me. You may now be triggered.
Aaron Gilleylen Hey. You might gather that from the comments on this video however that observation is due in large to the demographics of the viewers. Do you have a source to back up that claim?
Another thing someone pointed out to me was that kids have developing minds, they usually struggle to communicate/handle what they need or what’s bothering them. So when they lash out it can be for a more simple reason, and they just need to be handled with compassion and patience. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firm, but it put parenting into perspective for me.
I took care of my neighbor's kid who used to hit her. Her mum said she's a fucking nightmare and "I should just kill myself so that you (her 5 year old child) feel guilty and understand why you should just do what I say". Clearly this mum was not well and so I took the kid off her for a while and took care of her (mum still visited and was fine with it) it turned out all the child's behaviour was caused by trouble communicating, made worse by a stressful environment. I over the space of a year taught her how to communicate and made her feel safe. When her mother was better they reunited and got on fantastically well.
Stephy Dippolito all inappropriate behaviors can be misinterpreted as bratty, spolied, misbehaved, disobedient children. These labels are so false. A behavior usually indicates an unmet need. Every. Single. Time.
My Ma was taking my brother and me to Disney, we were about seven and eight and being complete brats smacking each other in the back of the car. My Ma gave us a warning that if we didn't stop, we weren't going to Disney anymore. My brother started smacking me again about a half hour later. We didn't go to Disney that year. When I was older I found out my Ma couldn't get refunds for any portion of the trip, so she spent hundreds of dollars (as a single mom working as a hairdresser ) making sure that we knew she would follow through on anything she said.
Uh, sometimes you get things through a travel agency or broker as part of a package and they are not refundable. Uh, sometimes companies change their refund policy over the years and you don't know how long ago this was.
When my youngest was 3 she got mad because I told her no about something and slammed her bedroom door. When she came back I told her she didn't slam it hard enough and she should try again. She shrieked and slammed it again as she stomped off. I did the same thing the next two times she came out. My mom said it wasn't nice to antagonize her like that. But the last time she didn't slam the door, but she was so mad she fell asleep. That was 15 years ago and she hasn't slammed a door in anger since then. Sometimes not giving them the reaction they're looking for (in that case, anger) curbs the behavior.
In Sweden, hitting/spanking/physical discipline/whatever is *illegal* and seen as morally abhorrent, which is why reading comments defending it gives me culture shock in a major way... great video, empathy is so important when discussing such a sensitive topic as parenting!
Its the same here in Norway. I work with children and even though they drive me crazy sometimes I would never EVER strike them. The thought never crosses my mind. And I honestly can't believe some people chose to do this to their own child.
You can't hit your kids which I agree with but you can have mass immigration of a religion that allows abuse of women and kids. Do these laws apply to Muslim immigrants? I feel a strong sense of cognitive dissonance from the Nordic countries that will soon be called the New Middle East.
I used to be on the “I was spanked and turned out fine” bandwagon. But then I realized I had bad anxiety and resentment and fear of my childhood. How does that make me fine. None the less, because of my parents’ actions, I’m statistically more likely to hit my own kids in the future. What good is that.
Mandy Schmidt Just make up your mind that you won't hit your children and don't do it. Statistics are one thing, but will power is another. Practice relaxation techniques (like 1st step away and take deep breaths) and that will help. If you hit them, it'll likely be reaction without thinking bc you get angry and frustrated. So just learn to walk away if you feel that coming on. You'll do fine if it's important to you.
Same! My anxiety is terrible. I want to do better for my kids. For me, I was hit a lot with the belt or spatula. It might not cause anxiety for EVERYONE but I do believe that my parents did not give me what I needed while growing up. I do believe it's also to do with mental discipline, diet, environment, and many other factors but I had a very typical childhood... But it was rough. And I wish to give my kids a better life and relationship with me and each other
We are all different. My parents spanked me and yes I have spanked my kids but I have done it so few times I can count on 1 hand how many for each of them. I also didn't spank my kids when I was angry, this teaches your kids that this is how you respond when you are angry. I would make them go to their room to think about why it had come to this point and I would sit and calm myself down so that I eas not angry anymore. They would get 3 swats on the backside and that is all. 3 of my kids are grown and my youngest is 11. I have spanked her once and my older ones, I think the boys got spanked 3x each and my oldest daughter twice. Once was for stealing from Walmart. It was a behavior that had been getting out of control. She was stealing from my husband and I and from her friends homes. She stole one of her friends Christmas presents wrapped and all out from under their tree. That was humiliating to take back. We made her return the items to Walmart and they told her that she puts herself in danger of being arrested and the whole time the mgr was talking to her she was waving at a friend in line so we took her to speak with a police officer about what happens if she gets arrested and she could have cared less so we spanked her. That actually did the trick. She was just never really given punishments for anything, she always was given a pass by everyone and a "she didn't mean to" or "she didn't understand that was wrong"....she was 11 and a smart 11yo at that. She is a good kid now, very involved at church. The spanking didn't cause any long term issues with my kids I suppose because it wasn't used often. I think that when parents use spanking every time their kid does something wrong it loses the effect. It teaches kids that this is how you respond when you get angry because many parents spank when they are angry. It should be a very rare occurrence if ever used at all.
Thank you. I was the one that got traumatized and it continues. At 62 I still have PTSD from childhood abuse. I didn't hit, but I wasn't a great parent. My twisted worldview made it pretty impossible for me to understand how. I was still searching for the love I didn't experience as a child, I wanted my child to be my friend. It didn't turn out well. I didn't learn to have healthy boundaries for myself until well into my forties. Sigh. There are so many ways that hitting children can damage them for life. You're the best.
Hitting partner that is probably your height and can leave any time: Illegal Hitting child that is half your size and depends on you/ can't leave so they can be "good": Legal ???
My grandfather used to tell my parents that my siblings and I needed "a good whack" but my mother wouldn't have it. She always said it was an unfair fight and that if you resort to hitting a child, YOU were the one who was out of control, not them.
My Grandfather never hit Me he taught Me how to track, hunt,fish and if something is worth doing it's means giving it your best and he taught Me how to Box My Grandmother taught Me to be polite help other's who needed it and how to bake bread and the U.S. Marine Corps Taught a few things too
Honestly one of the most articulate and compelling arguments against smacking/hitting. I am fiercely opposed to hitting children but have never been able to say it in such a logical way. Beautifully said.
I think the video is propaganda. Smacking/hitting are not the same thing. I too am fiercely against hitting children. But I am fiercely for the right of parents to use smacking as a form of discipline if they so choose.
Alex harvard, a hit can mean many things, from punching, to launching a rocket at a target (direct hit) to being a success (ie the phrase "you are a hit". A smack is a specific type of hit, ie open palm normally on the buttocks. Hitting has a broader range of definitions in terms of contact. A smack is literally what it means, describing the action. Growing up for me hitting was only described generally as punching, which is worse than a smack. thus implying in many peoples minds its something worse than it is. How the child would tell the difference is simple, especially if you have siblings or social interactions with kids, fighting and so forth. I was a kid once, not the smartest, but I knew the difference between receiving a hit from my siblings and smack from my mum. And you know what, I have turned out alright all things considered, and thank my mum for doing what was necessary.
Especially when parents hit their children and then scold and punish their children for hitting them back or hitting another child at school. Children mimic behavior, and doing things like this will give them mixed signals and the child will begin to feel like it's okay for people to hit them, but not for them to hit back and defend themselves. I grew up in a strict household, where my parents would yell at me for the tiniest things because they always felt that they needed to "keep their kids in check" to prove to other family and friends that they were "good parents", I guess. Because of this, I grew up very closed off and I kept my emotions to myself because when I tried to voice my opinions, they would dismiss me by saying "it's not a child's place" or "be quiet". When I grew older (around 12) I began to get bullied in school and I wouldn't defend myself because I was scared...I would just let the bullies say whatever they wanted to me and internalize my pain and keep it to myself. I would go home crying to my parents and telling them that I was being bullied, yet my parents were the same ones to tell me off for not defending myself. Some parents don't seem to understand that how you treat your kids and the subliminal messages you present to them while they're younger, will eventually rear its head throughout their lives, in the form of how they treat their future children, their future relationships, future friendships etc... looking at me on the outside, my parents would say the same thing "I hit my kids and they turned out just fine"...little do they know.
Hello brothers and sisters. I would just like to recommend that everyone read the book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’. Reading that book was the best desicion I ever made.
Are you equating raising your voice and verbal abuse are even in the same vicinity? Because coming from a childhood home of actual abuse where I was verbally mentally emotionally and physically abused raising your voice is nothing. I would have rather had my parents raise their voice to me then what they did.
@@RexTheDinosaur1 I have also come from a house where I was abused in many ways, physically, mentally and verbally. Despite having my parents shout at me wasn't the worst thing, I'd still get anxiety and panic, not be able to breathe etc. This was because I was afraid of what they'd do next. A parent raising their voice is the reason that when I'm in a place with loud noises (music at parties etc) I get panic attacks. It may not be the worst thing but it still has an affect on people.
@@mycuppatea6108 yes but that's coupled with being physically abused. Just like me. But if you were just only yelled at the more likely wouldn't be having panic attacks. You only have panic attacks more likely cuz you were physically abused because like you said you were free what they were going to do next. Of all your parents did was just yell at you and never hit you ever I doubt you'd be having panic attacks. And yeah I've got them too but only when someone's being very aggressive with me. Or if I'm in a situation where it feels like I have no control and there's a lot of aggression then I will have one like I've had one in the doctor's office before. But that comes with being physically abused. See we both would know what it would be like to just be only yelled at because we had physical abuse thrown into the mix.
Yeah! And the long term negative results from pillow fights and being forced to stay at the noisy house of your auntie because you want to play Nintendo but it’s a family reunion so your parents won’t leave. Old people are kissing you ... with hairy upper lips... and their husbands are too. Everyone calls you “baby”, but YOU’RE NOT A BABY! You turned 7 and 4 whole months yesterday! ... what’s worse? You JUST got Pitfall for your Atari 2600 2 weeks ago, because mommy accidentally fussed at you for shaving your sisters head so she had to make up for that somehow, and you want to go play it.... NOOOOWWW!
@@mycuppatea6108 my parents hit me and i dont ever feel like i learned anything i just become more angry and resentful and now i have anger management issues
My mother refused to ever hit me and as a result we had an amazing relationship. I was very well behaved and while I did stupid stuff sometimes and made mistakes she never hit me. She once found out a babysitter hit me and she freaked out and never let her babysit me again. My mother was only highschool educated with a minimum wage job and we lived paycheck to paycheck. Extremely low income. Because you are under constant stress and you're kids make mistakes and can be annoying, etc. doesn't mean you can hit them. On the other hand my older sister has two kids. She has disciplined them both by spanking. My neice has turned out fine. Her brain could handle it. My nephew? Not so much. He's angry and mean and he hits and bites and screams and cries in public and he's impossible. But guess who he listens to when he's being bad? Me. When I'm around and he's upset instead of spanking him I take a gentler approach. I talk to him, communicate with him to find out what's wrong. I don't yell and tell him he's bad. I try to find out what's wrong and work with him to help him stop the behavoir. And guess what? It works. He listens to me when I visit he doesn't tell me he hates me like he does to my sister. Now, he isn't a perfect angel around me. Not trying to say that, he definitely still acts out a ton. But I'm able to calm him down without brutal force or screaming and trust me when I saw it's so much less stressful, talking instead of screaming, holding instead of hitting. So think twice before you hit your kid. As Mayim said, you wouldn't hit your spouse like that, or your pet, or a complete stranger. So why on earth would you hit a defenseless child who isn't allowed to hit back? That makes NO sense. And if you are the kind if person who would hit your spouse, pet, or complete stranger then YOU are the one with the problem. Not your child.
@@blakes9771 Also you should totally be friends with your kids having a relationship where they can talk to you about anything is important. So long as you set boundaries and firmly establish what is and isn't acceptable
@@blakes9771 the thing that scares me is that you have a baby in your pp Just so you know my mother slaped me all the time, i leaved from the age of 28 and never looked back
100% with you Mayim, so many laws protect strangers, spouses and animals from abuse, but non protect the kids from abuse from their own guardians. Its insane and I would like you rather take away toys or leave the fun place, if the kids act up. I'm still 24y and without kids, but as a swede I've been taught not to abuse, so I see it as a natural thing to never be okay with it, in order to discipline someone. Violence never solves things, only as self-defense, never otherwise.
Marielle Swanson Luckily there are laws protecting children from spanking in most developed countries! It's an area that the United States is woefully outdated on.
If laws protected animals from abuse we wouldn't have zoo's, aquariums, circuses, swimming with dolphins, and riding elephants. Animals are a lot less protected than humans and have almost zero legal rights.
N.S. Well it's illegal to hit an animal, but not illegal to hit a human child. In fact, the first law protecting animals from abuse was passed BEFORE any law protecting children from abuse was passed. The lawyer fighting for child abuse protection made the case that the girl he was defending is technically an animal and should therefore be protected under the animal abuse laws. As a result the first child abuse laws were created, only after animals were protected.
There is a huge difference using physical discipline (slapping ,hitting) as ways to combat evil/psychopathic behaviors in young children abuse. Don't equate them to the same thing.
Hitting doesnt work. I was beaten as a kid and I dont repsect my parents more for it. If anything I respect them less. They arent fine and my siblings werent okay because of it. I became depressed and still deal with PTSD. If you dont have the patience and love it takes to raise a child DONT have them! I have an autistic toddler and 99% of the time I parent alone (dad is out a lot) but I will not hit my child. I was beaten and no it didnt work so I wont hurt my son.
I'm sorry, that's awful! No one deserves beatings as a child. In my family, my parents spanked us, but we weren't beaten. No broken bones or skin, no bruises. Just a swat that brought a stinging pain for like ten seconds. There were also other forms of punishment and discipline, time out, no tv/computer, no reading (that was my joy so if I acted out it was taken away) etc. The disciplinary act changed based on the age and personality of the child. My brothers got more spankings than I because that is what they responded to better. We weren't beaten though, such a shame others can't say the same. I'm glad you are not following in the abusive manner that you were raised. I wish you all the best with your chidlren.
same they should teach us not too do things cause it's wrong not because were scared of being hit its like you have as much right to hit me for not doing what you want as i do too you
Nope for me it's different if you hit a kid they should be able to learn that way for example if a kid yells out something extremely disrespectful or curses out loud in they house that's when you can hit them because if you do that it will show the kids that what they did was wrong and regretful my mom hit me yesterday she pulled my hair and dragged me into my room because disrespected my older sister and mom tells my sister to hit me if I don't respect her like an elder and she's right so when I get hit a couple minutes later I think about it and I understand and tell my self I deserved that hit deep down I really did but my mom obviously comes and hugs me after and tells me "I'm sorry for hitting you but what you did was wrong and if you do it again I will hit you. I hurt myself when I hit you but I know that you learn like that. Don't ever say or do that again, I only want the best for you" and then she hugs me again and if you're saying oh if she hurts herself by hitting me then why does your mom hit you? Well like she says it's only the best for me and yes I do learn like that I learn not to disrespect or talk back to my momespecially that I grew up with Spanish speaking parents my parents are both Mexicans and they think it's fine to hit your child. They think simple talk discipline will help a child to learn no they will only cry or throw a tantrum they will just keep doing what they're doing which is not good. Hitting children already happens a lot in Mexico so it's most likely that this is never gonna stop but I think it's ok we know better. We have to respect our elders.
I have been beaten a lot, wether I "needed" or not. Sometimes I don't speak or react to things as I should do because I'm afraid of peoples' phisical violent reaction. So, people mocks me a lot. And I am always wanting to be the nice woman, pleasing others, when nobody cares to please me. It's changing, but I don't want to be a cold hearted woman, you know? Shit is difficult to deal. Kisses from Brazil.
Standing your ground and boundaries doesn't make you cold, it makes you warm toward yourself. You don't owe anyone anything, no matter what they've done to you in the past, good or bad. I know it's so hard to deal with though. One day at a time
This is what drives me crazy the most. OMG HOW CAN THEY TAKE SUCH A STUPID EXAMPLE??? I mean just because "it didn't have an effect on them" it DOES NOT MEAN it didn't have on us.
ColdDragons Bc ur spoiled kids should get beating when misbehaving I did and I’m a kid not an adult it teaches discipline Idk if it’s Bc this is America but in Trinidad it’s good and it teaches discipline
Hitting kids is wrong, yes. But what isn't talked about so much is the other side to it where parents also use emotional abuse to punish their children. They both can be equally as damaging to a child and it doesn't get talked about enough or brought attention to.
I totally agree with this. There are a lot of ways that guilt and other forms of manipulation are used for "discipline," and it can absolutely be to the detriment of a child's psyche. Parents who mean well often don't realize how damaging it can be to blame a child for an entire event/day/week/year being "ruined;" to tell a child they aren't a part of the family because they don't act a certain way; to keep a child from spending time with other people just because the parent wants to spend time with them. There are of course also parents who go to extremes with emotional abuse, but in my experience the signs of childhood emotional abuse show up most frequently in the children of parents who really do care but haven't evaluated what they're saying to their children. (I don't have empirical evidence for my current statements, but I do have experience from my own childhood and through talking to other people about how they were raised.)
I dealt with both types of discipline, it doesn't help help that I always try to understand why things happen. When I was a kid if my mom didn't want to take me some place she would give me an impossibly hard task then when I couldn't do it she would say that it was my fault. So as a kid I started to understand that if I wanted to do it, it wouldn't happen. My mom loves me but I know I'm only seen as an accessory to her life. I'm 21 and she still pulls this stuff, for example I wanted a ferret but I needed a vet recommendation, but she can't handle me making my own decisions so she avoided getting our cats updated on our shots so that I couldn't get the letter. And she blames me for being too busy with work to help her take them.
Well said. Theres the whole "sticks and stones break my bones but words can never hurt me" thing. That does not apply to children. Words have hurt me far more than any physical discipline that I have endured.
I agree with you totally. Looking back now, I would have rather taken a beating than to be constantly told I wasn't smart enough or was not "cut out" to be in any field I was interested in by my father. No doubt he was repeating the same words that had been said to him when he was young but that's no excuse.
Both verbal and physical abuse as well as sexual abuse growing up since I was...3, and from different "family" members and several others throughout life. My biological left prior to my birth, making me a green card consequence, I suppose. I wouldn't find out that I was on the autism spectrum until age 41. I never ever understood why I was being "punished" and I believed that words yelled at me. I had zero friends. I had zero autonomy. My life was, as Mayim says, avoiding, hiding but also anticipating because there was no escape. The result: starting at about 7 or 8, I decided that there were ALWAYS children in worse situations than I. I don't know what drew me to set my issues aside, maybe because I couldn't fix them...but I could love others. So I grew through life as a bleeding empath. The strongest energy I had and have ever felt in my existence was and is love. And so I poured it onto all the "broken" people which, as an adult, all my partners and both my husbands, turned out to be every type of narcissist. I had children and have always used gentle parenting. Being autistic helps a bit with that as it makes sense to me to discipline in sense making ways and I would be damned if my children ever, ever went through anything like I did. I truly figured that I had enough love and I had enough intelligence, I loved science, especially neuro and psych and I figured out really lovely ways of parenting...and so I brought them forth, one by one. Turns out, I am intelligent but I didn't understand all the abuse, even through years of therapy and a love of psychology. I even figured it would just happen to me and surely not to my children. On top of that, our community saw the outside of our lives, the outside of our abusers and they sided with them. After all, they brought money home and I just raised my children...I didn't know what gaslighting was and I believed that l was the problem. I still to this day hyper focus on how I can be a better person all around. -Fast forward to today, my children have all been affected by verbal, emotional, psychological, some physical and, to kill our spirits all the more, one known incident of sexual abuse. We're as far away as we've ever been from our abusers with a bit more to go and quite a bit of therapy left to gain. -The point I think I was trying to make here is that...hitting ended up being the least of my issues. Even though my body was whipped, punched, slapped, dropped and thrown. The Psychological and emotional abuses are now EVERYTHING to myself and to my children. They're the absolute worst to live with because they become your narrative. They ARE your subconscious and it's our subconscious that runs our lives, creates and manifests within them, attracts people and situations to them. To reverse that, to reprogram the subconscious you have to get to the subconscious and affect it. We're barely figuring out how to do that, barely scratching the surface. -I die a thousand deaths silently every single day because the abuse bled to my children. It's not always that the abused abuse...it can often be that the abused know no other thing, don't understand abuse and therefore bring other abusers who do abuse the children. -There's a psychological emotional death that I and THEY have to resurrect because abusers don't turn around and make things better. And, as it turns out, it really is true, down to the science of the thing, that the individual has to heal themselves. Fingers crossed those harmed have the education necessary to do so, which is a rarity in our times. -I just cannot stress enough how damaging it is, how damaging it can be and how it can attract more and become a giantly cyclical, deeply penetrating, life altering and destroying thing. -If you've got love, give it to yourself and then please give it to others. If you've got the education, please pass that along as well. So very many need healing and don't know where or how to get it and wow do they deserve it. 🌸
If he was a good father, then that means he did that to teach you that if you don't show decency and kindness to strangers, even ones you don't like, painful consequences can follow because life is cruel and not a candy land
So. My dad used to hit me although if I had a fight and was defending myself. He didn't he would just talk to me. My parents only disciplined me in the extreme cases such as talking back to tea hers
Matthew Medeiros I lost brain cells reading this a good father has a fucking heart to heart with their child the fuck you mean ‘good father’ resolve violence with violence? not mature.
Some of the stupid reasons me or my brother got hit are; dropping the salt shaker, having an asthma attack, having a sore throat, telling the truth, answering the question they asked (seen as answering back), not answering the question that they asked (seen as sulking), using the bathroom to bathe, not finishing dinner as of illness, and the biggest reason parents had a bad day.
The "Answering the question they asked (seen as answering back)" is mostly the reason why my older sister gets hit by my mom. If my mom asked her a question and my sister answered, my mom would see that as "talking back" and that pissed her off which led to hitting my sister. It's stupid, but true :(
Mayim thank you so much for this, I wish more people will see this especially in Asian societies. Hitting a defenceless child only creates fear and resentment towards the parent, and this can leave a scar long into adulthood. Nobody ever says they love their parents more for hitting them.
Spanking just made me avoid being caught, not so much discontinue the behavior. It also made me lose respect for my parents and I resented them for it. Even as a child I felt like spanking was the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum. Like if they can't keep themselves in check why should I?
@Aurora If you already had a discussion with them then what the hell is the point of spanking them also? It doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt. It embarrasses children and they will remember what you did to them. Learn some fucking discipline.
Alex B. "adult temper tantrum" is super accurate. now because im an adult and my mom cant hit me, she resorts to stomping her feet and yelling in one place. much like a young child.
I'm a girl and I'm 15 years old(from Spain),since I was 6 or 7 years old my father start to hit me with a belt or a broom(he didn't stop until the broom was broken).When he finished he hugs me and he says that he only want,what is good for me.And I really hate him so much he beated for little things and that made me so traumatic,when someone try to touch me without telling me I always try to dodge it. But I learned that,if my father punish me with hitting me,does not mean that I became like him. I really appreciate that you read this,it means alot!I've never told it to anyone and sorry for my English
Nona Velasre I’m so sorry to read this. Your English is just fine and you need to know your worth and feel that despite your father’s poor treatment, he thinks he is doing what is right. I wonder if, I’m a moment of calm and kindness, you could sit your father down and tell him what it makes you feel like and how much you want to love him but that when he does these things it erodes/breaks your trust and ability to care for him. It’s a very mature move but one that just might work. Given his treatment of you it doesn’t sound like you have anything to lose. Again, I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this kind of treatment. Know that it is NOT a reflection of your value or your character, it is HIS flaw.
I'm sorry you've had to live like this. No one should be hitting another, especially their own child, with a broomstick or belt. I'm hoping things change, and maybe by now you've had chance to try out talking to your Dad like April suggested. Best wishes to you.
Su ingles esta bien-mejor que mi espanol. Su padre tu golpea porque el fue golpeado. Usted puede cambiarlo para sus hijos. Usted puede terminar la cadena de violencia . Hice esto. Salud.
My parents hit me a lot when I was a kid, however, when I grew up, they stopped and use another tactic instead, it is guilt. I always try to be a good kid, do well in school but I am very stubborn and always want my points of views to be listened by them. But my parents have a mentality that parents are always right and no matter what u said, they will say what u said is disrespectful to them and that I am a bad kid to question their authority. Whenever we fight, they would bring up some of the stupid things I did when i was young just to back up their arguments and hurt me( cuz they know I deeply regret these mistakes ). I love my parents but sometimes I just need to be heard and be treated like an adult
the fact they bring up thing you did when you were young is because they have no ground to stand on in terms of treating you the way they do... I promise you are good, you’re good now, you were good then, it was never your fault and never will be, some people were not meant to be parents
o c all of those mind games they do is phsychological abuse. It’s effed up. My mom would do that to me. It would make me all nervous and stumble over my words, switch up what I need to say just to avoid upsetting her. Ridiculous.
They sound like possible covert narcissists. Look it up and educate yourself but never let them know or they will make your life worse for it until you can go no contact.
Well I got hit by my parents many times when I was young, sometimes I still got hit. They did it because that’s the way their parents teach them, and now what got out of me? I disrespect them, I always wanted to go study in America far away from Germany so my parents can’t take control take over me
Wow.. I can relate to this so much, especially about you wanting to move to America to be away from them. I relate because that is my story.. I'm from India and fucked off from there 3 years ago and I live in America now.. far far away from my abusive parents.
I spent my whole teenage years thinking about the day I would be old enough to leave and never come back. I also wanted to move to another country to be as far away from them as I possibly could. Only the thought of they living close enough to visit often would make me feel caged and suffocated.
So kids have to get hurt for being new to the world and not being educated on something and get pain because they dont know that what there doing is wrong? What a sin
In Norway, it is extreeemely looked down on to hit your children. Almost nobody does it, and it's seen as abuse. And we have much lower crime rates than the US. I am not saying this alone is the reason for the low crime rates, but I am merely saying that clearly children who are NOT hit turn out good :)! I agree with this video so much, Mayim. Consistency and following through is the most important, I believe.
Yes, because your child trafficking Barnevernet would take your children away, forever separate them from any family members and even themselves if you even dare to look at a child in a wrong way. That is called fucked up to the core...
Warrior Lovato Something isn't stereotypical if it's true. Norway DOES have a much smaller population than American meaning of course the crime rates will be lower. And most of Norways population *is* white. Don't confuse facts with stereotypes.
Wow Norway is heaven. Everyone traumatizes their children in Poland. I have mental health issues and I feel like I shouldn't be alive. I was scared of my parents and bullied by classmates. Would be nice if at least my parents had been ok. I'm 28 and I could never had any relationship or friendship with anyone, I'm sooo lonely. Because I was hit as a child, I grew up believing I was hated.
My mother defends hitting me by saying "oh when I was a child, my father kicked me in the back of my head. This is nothing compared to what I sent through" 🙄
Mayim (anti-hitting kids): Neuroscientist, 150-163 IQ Billy-bob-joe (pro-hitting-kids): Works at Walmart, 90 IQ Hmm I wonder who has a better argument..?
a bit of a shortsighted comments to suggest somehow a high IQ automatically makes anyone an expert on every topic. It doesn't and contrary to your comment working at Walmart doesn't mean someone isn't intelligent. A silly and somewhat elitist argument
Totally agree! I'm proof. Probably not the only source (childhood bullying is another culprit), but still a distinct hindrance in my relationship with my parents and with conflict in general.
Having grown up with frequent spankings in my own childhood, I grew up resenting my parents rather than respecting them and when I became a teenager and that respect wasn't there and they could no longer spank, I turned into a teenage terror. I do not want to see that happen with my own and try very hard not to swat or spank. It is hard to break that cycle but I push on and try my best to do better next time and I have. Thanks for the great video Mayim.
Van Allen some kids time out just fuels the fire like adding gasoline to a open flame and in some cases it’s best to leave the penal system as last resort
Sarah IntheLIGHT I got hit frequently as a child if I did anything wrong. I was bloody terrified of my father and now I just don’t talk to him. It just made me have a harder life in the long run. I have anxiety and I stammer on every other word. So I wouldn’t recommend it as a method if you want to have happy healthy kids.
I believe that once you start hitting children as a means of discipline, you have lost the plot. When I did something wrong (when I was a child) my mother simply sat me down and explained how my behaviour has consequences..... I generally understood and did not repeat the bad behaviour. I know this is only my experience but I will be doing the same with my children.
my mom gave me "the look" and I knew that if I didn't behave SHIT WAS GOING DOOOOOWWWNNN. but verbally, she would just go on and on talking about the think that I was doing wrong so... she bored me to death and that shit still haunts me... "the look"
LOL YES the look definitely worked on me as well but there was never any threat of violence behind the look just real consequences (removal of play-station or TV i.e Life ending consequences for a teen lol)
This is why I found your channel in the first place. This level of parenting. I've recently discussed hitting with my grandma and she defended it saying, "Sometimes it just takes a little swat on the bottom," as if that justifies causing harm. I tried to explain that hitting only causes fear and retraction, not respect. She refused to see my side of it, even though it's backed by research and I was simply relaying information. On the plus side, I finally talked with my mom and got an apology and explanations for how I was 'raised' and how poorly she treated me. Thank you, Mayim, for the great advice. I look forward to using this with my toddler!
HA wish my parents would listen to you. but they wouldn't they're in too deep in their mental problems and too self centered to care enough about how we feel- yet demand a good relationship after years of fear discipline. Surely you'd think them mad, but honestly they're just imitating their own parents. I'll stop this cycle. I'll heed your words, and so to never ever let this happened again in *my* family I will never hit, I will work my absolute damn best to never let myself lose to impatience. I never want my kids to ever feel as helpless and useless and alone as I did.
MonCherryHead My father was raised with a belt and I'm sure he would have done the same to me if my mom hadn't been opposed to hitting children, he still hit me a few times and yelled quite a lot though. I was a very sensitive child so I took being yelled at very hard, it scared me and made me cry, and to my dad crying warranted even more yelling apparently, which is probably why I have a hard time expressing myself emotionally (according to phycologists yelling at kids for crying teaches them not to express themselves and that their feelings don't matter). To this day I completely shut down when people start yelling and then my dad starts yelling at me even more for "ignoring" him. Though if a person can't say something without screaming then I don't see why I should listen even if I could.
I totally get what you mean, especially about demanding a good relationship after years of discipline. I'm 19 and sometimes I wonder what horrible land my dad came from. I understand that he's been in a compromised position for about a decade now and I know that it's taken a toll on him. But he's been reduced to something painful, and it's only his failing strength that's made him stop beating his children so much. I wasn't as rebellious as most of my siblings, but had a fear people and great insecurity because he was verbally abusive for the most part to my brother and me, to compensate. He could be so cruel and insensitive sometimes, always demanding respect, and he always refused to try something new. And I've just recently been able to admit to myself that I had been storing my anger at him for years, and taking it out on myself on top of everything. Sigh
I did spank my kids occasionally when I thought it was necessary. My kids are grown now. If I had it to do over I would not spank. I don't think it worked or accomplished anything.
I realize this response is eight moths late but I too appreciate the honesty. In all fairness you specified "when I thought it necessary." so I think you weren't a bad parent. I was hit a bit (too often not deserved) when I was younger but when I was hit for doing something wrong I didn't repeat that behavior again. I avoided it like the plague so in hindsight it worked for me. Now that I'm grown and on my own I appreciate the discipline my parents tried to install - most of it stuck - however, I use my brain more than my parents used the hand w/ my own children. After reading a few of these comments by others I see how rare resilience is.
My younger half-brother and I were raised by our mother -- she and more than one of her boyfriends physically abused us with belts, wooden spoons and paddles, and their hands. I learned to avoid punishment by behaving as well as I could. My brother did not; he rebelled against their rules and prohibitions by doing whatever it was *more*. I [already dealing with Asperger's, ADD, & other mental illnesses], ended up being painfully shy, and my brother [also dealing with ADD, and a learning disability] ended up being suspended from school, then sent to a special school for "problem" kids, sent to live with other relatives, expelled from school, and finally sent to jail after he and a similarly-treated cousin broke into a business and my brother was shot in the foot by the owner. Since then I've been soberly dealing with PTSD from the physical and sexual abuse I suffered, and he has been in and out of jail for various crimes and at intervals addicted to drugs and alcohol. We had virtually the same treatment as young children -- spanking did not "cure" his bad behavior, and all it did for me is make me scared of everyone. He now spanks his own children, and I feel bad for even raising my voice at them.
Oh wow I'm very sorry for you and your brother :( my younger sister and I were spanked too. I too became shy and afraid of people, having to deal with anxiety issues a lot (I'm now 20 years old and slowly getting better since I moved out) and she rebels in any way possible, never following rules. I went through depression in my teenage years and she now is in treatment for depression too. It was not as extreme as in your case, especially because neither of us has ADD or Asperger's etc, but I still can relate very well to your situation. I wish you and your family all the best!
@@msmith1418 Kinda proved my point because I've been spanked and beat and dont have self esteem issues. Idc what others think and I know what I'm worth, you are putting personal affairs into the argument. Unless you are truly abused physically it's a you problem and alot of America can relate because mental health is a issue rn.
@@msmith1418 Never put over the edge myself my guy, and I was a sensitive boy 🤷♂️. Idk what to say just dont blame a form of punishment for a bad childhood, because honestly it's normal to get physically punished and is much better than what it was way before we were born. I mean why do you think you'll sometimes see on the internet or in person a spoiled kid who screams because he never got what they wanted? It's due to a lack of punishment therefore lack of understanding. Not all children have to be hit some are inherently good I was alright so i deserved whatever i got and dont look back and cry about it. Idk what you personally experienced but alot of the snowflakes in the comments simply got spanked like two times. I've grown to almost becoming what I'd say is a real man, not rock hard (pause), not a snowflake, but a fair balance with some perspective. I only talk about my experiences to say not all fragile children are broken from it, because I was one although I was punished fairly.
Vulgar/ threatening words and uncontrolled/continuously-physical punishment have similar/same effect on a child's psychological health. The only way is to continue to seek knowledge of correct parenting. Being a parent doesn't make you all-knowing in parenting. Seek professional advice if you're unable to understand the behavior of your child. 😊
Reading all these comments brought back a lot of bad memories… But yeah I completely agree with you, why would you hurt someone you love? I think you’re doing it right. 👍🏻
This is why parents should be forced to take courses in educational science and social work before becoming parents. Edit: Before any of you wannabe Kindergarten teachers tries to educate anyone here, read some stuff about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Rogers' concept of personality or Freuds psychoanalysis. One does not need to have children in order to work with or understand/analyze them.
snowwhitewitch yea because those of us who are able to parent should be forced to sit through and pay for shit like that 🙄 those classes would probably be taught by people who haven’t raised kids. Classes won’t stop stupid people or assholes from breeding. They’ll just take the class and do what they want to do anyways.
abuse and discipline are too different things. My father was a menace as a child and he would laugh if other children said that they got shouted at, only ass whoopings worked and it made him a golden child who respected his mother. He would break car windows with his friends, you don't talk to your child about, that's ass whooping time.
@@CristanioPeweyyy they still better ways but if you beat children when you start using tools like hangers and leave scars on them or marks then you are going to far if You could make
Not all. I have a friend who was physically abused that eventually became a boxer. Maybe he figure that if he was going to get beaten up, might as well make money out of it.
My dad used to hit me as a child. I was terrified. My mum would often step in between me and my dad to shield me, and that would usually stop him. It wasn't, like, horrible, I mean he never once went further than a slap or two. Anyway, once I got a little older, the slaps never stopped me once. I got sassy. I used to tell my dad "What are you gonna do? Hit me? That's not gonna stop me" and it didn't. Dad still slapped me but I took the slap and I kept doing my thing. Since he couldn't talk me into not behaving badly, he was rendered powerless. If a 7yr old kid can render a grown man powerless by getting used to a slap or two, then that's the sign that hitting a kid is not the proper way to discipline him or her.
I used to do the exact same when my mother hit me. It hurt a lot when she did, but all it was was a hit and I'd taken them before. I'd taunt her and such, and she might grab me by my hair or something, but it never stopped me.
I DID THE SAME. It's so sad how so many of us used the same coping mechanisms. I can't tell you how many times I said "I don't care" as a young child lol. We see that they hit because their emotions are out of control. If we then control ours, they look like the child in the situation. It's taking the only control you have.
+SaarahBev Yes!! I used to ALWAYS say "I don't care" and it would cause endless lectures from family members on why I shouldn't say that and be so dismissive. And that is exactly what would happen!
Same.. I couldn't care less about getting hit. I was an awful child because I was hit. It hurt but you get used to it because it will happen again and so you might as well have the upper hand about it. I would actually wear them out by kicking and screaming in my room when they would spank me and put me in my room. i kicked the wall and screamed for hours while they would periodically come in and spank me lol. It didn't stop until they would pretty much let me watch TV or let me do stuff. It also made them think twice before embarking on that kind of a commitment to make me scream and kick the walls for hours on end. :D
I believe that when you hit a child you're teaching them to avoid being hit, not that the behavior in itself is wrong. They'll only understand that doing it in front of you is dangerous. I was never caught sneaking out of the house at night, because I never sneaked out of the house at night, because although I didn't tell my mom everything about my life, I never felt need to deceive her. I didn't and don't perceive her a as source of danger but of protection. She never had to scare me into being obedient and not do bad things, If it was clear that I understood they were bad, then I on my own would avoid them. If I am on my own choosing not to smoke, there is no need to monitor me, there is no risk or paranoia that as soon as am at a friends house or out at school I'll do it, because she can trust that her daughter knows the dangers of cigarettes, believes it's wrong to smoke, and more likely than not will not do it. And if her daughter does smoke, she won't deceive her. She can be confident that she has raised a daughter that can make smart decisions rather than one that is good at hiding bad ones.
Yeah. I was disciplined, but not for like everything. If I hit my mom I would be disciplined, if I broke something I would be disciplined. If I had to stay in my room and I got out I would be disciplined after two warnings. I'm not scared of my mom and I will probably never be. Just because she disciplined me doesn't mean she doesn't like me. She always shows that she cares about me and now I don't make stupid decisions, not for fear of being spanked, but because after you get spanked for a time, you start understanding why, and figuring out why you should care.
When I was growing up my father would corner me and when I couldn't walk (or run) more he would slap me. So (btw I'm a teenager) my father tries to be loving or kind to me and I understand why, but when he comes near me I fastly move away without thinking, when he tries to hug me or anything I move away instinctly.
I also remember that one my parents took me to the doctor and my mom said that I didn’t want to take my medicines and the doctor told her “well, maybe you should try the belt” THE DOCTOR, I mean, it’s crazy how normal it is to abuse your kids in latinos culture, that’s one of the things that I hate the most about my culture. One of my cousins it’s just 2 years old and her dad already hits her with a belt SHE’S FREAKING JUST TWO YEAR OLD
Your cousin belts his two year old??? That is illegal and you need to report this to the police immediately. Do not be someone who witnesses horrific abuse and does nothing about it. Please fucking do something. I feel sick just hearing that. That is not normal or okay whatsoever. Im sorry but your cousin is a monster.
@@sophiagrace6361 Sadly this too normalized in my country and I won’t be able to do anything. Police would laugh at me if I even try to report this. Basically if you are against this you’re consider a bad parent who spoiled their child. In a hispanic household is very normal to be beaten as a child, physical abuse from parents to their children is not taken seriously at all. I mean, when I tell my parents that when I have kids I will never hit them to educate them they laugh and make fun of me.
@@jazminbecker1467 For real??? I find that so hard to believe that the police wouldn’t do anything because it is still illegal isn’t it? I’m shocked to hear that. Is is a cultural thing or is it just corrupt police? I’m sorry to come off strong it’s just I feel sick hearing that your cousin beats his 2 year old. Where I’m from your cousin would be locked in jail and it would be on the news...
@@sophiagrace6361 It’s both a cultural thing and corrupt police (but definitely more a cultural thing) It’s super normal go to school with bruises, hearing things like “Oh my mom/dad just hit me with a cord/belt/shoe/spoon” and they just laugh about it, like even the victims don’t realize that that’s abuse and actually are grateful that they were raised like that, it’s so fucked up.
So many feelings about this as I am Jamaican and our souciety firmly believes in whooping kids when they misbehave. I am sensitive and I yes I got my ass whooped even for stuff I didnt do; it thought me to be afraid and contributed to a lot of the issues I have today. I am going to address the race context of this practice, we as Black people use hitting as discipline, is it an inheritance of enslavement? In some context I believe so, but it also highlights a level of impatience and ignorance among our people. It is only in recent decades that hitting kids has become an issue but that is restricted to the school environment. With all that being said, I am not a Mom yet, I only have 2 dogs who are helping me to understand that hitting and aggression only increases anxiety and decreases trust so I am learning to let go off the hitting method with which I was raised and practive love and patience and it made a lot of difference. Thank you Mayim, your vid just opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. #lifelessons
My parents are Italian immigrants. Hitting was also common in that culture. It was also common for a man to smack his wife if she upset him. I don't know the origin of that type of thing in Italian culture but I think it has a lot to do with it being a male-dominated patriarchal society that valued the "strong" man who kept everyone in line with force. Noisy kids and talkative wives were a sign that a man couldn't control his family. Thankfully this has been changing with my generation and the one after mine. I don't think hitting accomplishes anything at all.
I'm jamiroquai too...my mom beat me with a bobsled...it was not cool runnings in our home..I had a sister too but my pops hit her with a hoe once...she called in jeopardy line too much and it cost 4$ a call...before she could say ding...what is Tuti fruiti? She got hit in the neck with a hoe...which was kind considering he had this bladed garden tool thing he wore on his shoe....ire.....
KamisKisses I'm from Romania and I'm fucking 19 years old and a girl and my dad smacked me across the face like, hmm, five-six months ago (I was 18 back then). I can't say I was beaten as a child, though. Maybe got smacked across the face 5-10 times in my life (only by my father). But yeah, here it's pretty normal to get whooped by your parents even if you're basically an adult, let alone a child.
Important reminder: Many times parents will tell a child to do something they haven't been taught how to accomplish. Think about it. How many times did your parents tell you , "focus on your ..."; "Concentrate on what's ..."; "Stop whining..."; "Go clean your..."; ... Probably a lot. But, how many times did they teach you how to concentrate? Or, teach you how not to do something when you were already upset? Did they ever make a list on what chores they expected when asked to clean your room? Did they ever show you how to do those chores? Often times parents tell their children to do things that they've never been taught to do, then, become upset with them for not knowing. It is not only our job to regulate childrens behavior, but, is equally our responsibility to teach them how to do the things we ask them. Lastly, As our society continues to encourage the importance of independence and, becomes less dependent on the family unit or, when we choose (which I am so not knocking) to be "strong and independent" many times we have not learned how to become comfortable asking for help when it very well might be needed. In my personal experience, asking for help seems to be a challenge for quite a few of my close friends - - it's almost as if it has become equated with ego or, weakness in some cases. Which, made me think, "I wonder if anyone's ever taught them how to ask for help?"... So anywho, that's just my two cents. Cha ching' I really enjoyed the delivery on your message. Awesome job woman! Thank you for your care and, your time. Please take good care.
They didn't have books in Old Testament times. They had scrolls. Those scrolls were called sticks or rods. "Spare the rod, spoil the child, " means spare the teaching, spoil the child. In other words, educate your kids, don't hit 'em! Also, some things referred to adult offspring, not very young children.
This is the video I have been looking for. God bless you. This is one of the best videos I have ever seen. Thank you. I am against hitting children or anyone. I am glad I found someone who could explain how I felt in rational and proven points.
Please just teach everybody everything. Your videos are so lovely, and you are such an incredibly generous person with your time, energy, and intellect.
I don't believe in hitting kids. My coworker is ignorant enough to believe that hitting is the only way a child becomes "good". So stupid. 😒 I remember two times in my life when I was young that my mother slapped me right across the face. To this day, the memory stings. It is so demeaning, and doesn't make you love your parents even more. Fear produces hatred, not love. Good for you, Mayim, for disciplining your children from a place of compassion. xx
I was spanked as a child. It put the fear in me not to do those things again. So no I dont think anything is wrong w a spanking. Sometimes it went alil to faras to s beating w a cord or wire hanger stick. But all in all I never needed a hospital for them.
my man hates his parents for a fucking slap. Pussy, i used to get beaten with the belt daily and here i am, love my parents and they treat me well because i have grown up and become a man and realise whats good and whats bad.
I've been hit by my mom so bad when I was a child till High school so I promised to myself that would never hit my child ever. Ps. I don't have a good relationship with my mom and don't even trust her with my son.
Good for you. I made the same promise to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I fell short a few times in raising my son, but those few times when I was not able to control my temper, I always apologized and explained that it was my failing, not his, that he had done nothing to deserve my anger.
Right? Ever since I was a teen I knew that I wouldn’t be able able to forgive myself if I ever hit my own children. Because there’s honestly no excuse to do so. I don’t even want my dad to be a part of my life bc of how he made me feel when I was growing up.
It’s so amazing to see how my son listen and learn if I just stop and talk to him. Hitting doesn’t work and the look in his eyes when I even treat to do it was the worst one. Yes, my parents did hit me and I thought it was fine. Not anymore! Love, talk and respect his time and mine os working so much better. GREAT VIDEO!
when i was little my mom used to hit me whenever i was complaining about something or when i cry. When i was in 4th grade my English teacher thought that i was cheating an exam. I explained to her that i wasn't. My books were under the table and they were about to fall so i fixed them quickly and this reflex made my teacher belive i was cheating. After that, my teacher came to me and search all over the books and things underneath, i was confident because i knew there were no books relative to the English exam. She found a paper in which i wrote the meanings of English words which she made us write to memory the previous lesson.1 class before.She called the principle and my mother.I couldn't say anything about it to my mother even if i tried so many times.She hit me and i can still remember the tears rolling down my face.She believed my teacher.She made me say i cheated and made me apologized to my teacher and class next day .İ did. İ still have trust issues and low self-love because of that day. The idea that nobody -even my mother- believe in me is harsh. Now I'm 22 studying in collage.İ have decent relations with my mom and she still believes i cheated. Sad.
I went through this shit my whole childhood from both parents, the beatings, feeling like no one believed or listened to me, the insults and psychological, abuse the extreme obsession with school. I’m 23 and don’t talk to either of them. I’m still struggling with severe anxiety, issues when it comes to my personal relationships. Parents are often just dumb people who feel more mature and therefore entitled to behave like gods when they pop out a child.
@@natasha850 im so sorry to hear that story, im sure you are strong enough to get over all of your stress and became a beautiful person. Show the world you are worth it, it feels very good :) take good care of yourself .My instagram is busedmrl1212 , you can text me whenever you feel stuck, we can be instagram pen friends 😂
My mother physically and emotionally abused my siblings and I until I was 15, when I made social services put me into foster care. What she did to us has already had a massive effect on my life, both emotional and physical. Social services, neighbours my school all failed us, and now we are the ones living with the consequences. I have anxiety, ptsd, depression, insomnia and a possible mood disorder from my treatment as a child, and although I know the level of what I went through as a kid I know that others could be effected the same was as I am. Thank you so, so much for speaking about this
Adults, stop hitting children and calling it discipline. When you hit your children you are punishing them and expecting them to obey you after you've punished them. Discipline is the consistent practice of actions or behaviour. Being a bodybuilder is a discipline, learning to play guitar is a discipline, being an actor is a discipline, being a doctor is a discipline. Discipline doesn't come from the outside, only from the inside.
Mabusha Masekela With self discipline yes. But children don’t have that and so parents are there to discipline them. Training and teaching them the rules and codes of conduct for the situations they will experience in life. Teachers also do this when they reach an age to go to school. Discipline from an outside spice doesn’t have to be negative. IMO
@Hamza Raza firstly you are a twat. secondly i am from England and plenty of backward parents, who are too stupid to know basic psychology hit their children here. As for your Einstein comment only ignorant (as in dumb) people hit children. people who have common sense know that hitting a child does not make them obedient it makes them scared of you and what kind of person WANTS their child to be scared of them. Also how does hitting children teach them to not commit crimes like assault, you are showing them assault is except-able. i am the only one in my family who did not get hit as a child and i am the most well adjusted of all my siblings, i do not commit crimes or discriminate and i respect authority why because i know that rules make a better society not because i am scared of authority.
@Chelsea Aldc I'll pray for you, please try and surround yourself with as many friends that might be able prevent you from the cold wrath of your mother, (if possible). You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers dear one
@Chelsea Aldc I'd also encourage you to pray for your mother, as I'll be praying for her also, for we're truly not in a battle with flesh and blood, it's far deeper than that, I'd say your mother is facing a spiritual battle herself and just needs help. Prayers work, I'm like a living testimony of how prayers truly do work.
I think it's terrifying that people even think abuse is an opion. I am swedish, i work in socialservice and often meet children that have been hit by a patent. Here in sweden its against the law to use violence and it sickens me when i here people in america (the so-called "greatest country") talk about child-abuse as an opion in raising children (Sorry for the bad english)
Susanna, if you read through comments on other videos of native English speakers, you would be shocked. You're English was very good! You must be very intelligent to be able to speak two languages!
@Hamza Raza oh wow....bastard children...you are obviously some looser troll, sorry i wasted my time writing that other message to you i thought you were an abusive parent but you are obviously a troll trying to get attention so...ignore my other message and just grow up.
As a 19 year old who was spanked, let me just say that it made me lose all respect for my parents. Well, my father mostly. I don't think it's normal to think your parents are idiots from the age of 8. That's usually early teen behaviour, haha! But in all seriousness, I knew they hit me because they didn't know what else to do. But I was still a young child, and my behaviour was largely based on mental health issues that were out of my control. But in hindsight, instead of trying to understand why I was on the floor crying about a minor change in plans, they just hit me. Never mind the mental anguish (does it count as abuse?) from my father about it all. MOCKING me crying. But, he was spanked as a child and felt neglected by his own father. My mother was not hit, but her siblings were. That's what they knew. Myself, I'm trying to be better. I don't have kids yet, I won't probably for a while (becoming a midwife first is most important) I want to have all the tools and resources I can before having children. I know nothing beats real life experience, but if I know of other things to try I believe I'll have way better chances to not abuse my children.
It sounds like you were 'disciplined' by immature parents who used physical discipline incorrectly; not that physical discipline is bad. If physical was their 'go to' form of discipline then they had no idea what they were doing. Plus the mocking, etc. Not using physical discipline ever(it should be extremely rare anyway) can also be a form of abuse if they are a type of child that does require it and grow up spoiled due to lack of correctly applied disciplinary tactics.. Some kids don't need it, but most do once or twice.
I actually got nauseated at reading these answers. Some children "needs it" and some don't? This is disturbing af. If physical abuse was necessary to raise a child, every child who wouldn't have been abused would be turning bad. That's not the case. I've never heard of an teen or adult saying he has mental issues because he never got spank as a child. I did though the other way around. What kind of parent is ready to put his child's mental health at stake because he doesn't know better than loosing it and spanking?
@@AwesomeYena Nigga I've never had a dog of mine bite me. Ur telling me that if I treat my dog right and she does something very bad, (like chew some shoes idk) I dont have the right to pop her on the butt and send her to the cage for a while? Bro it's only when abused do they do that, must hit your dog too hard lol.
I wasn't hit as a child, but the way I was disciplined wasn't the greatest either, I have intense trust issues and seek constant validation from others because I didn't get it growing up, I was terrified of my dad, he didn't hit me, but I sometimes wish he would have, because mental abuse sucks. I'm not saying it's worse, but I suffer with severe depression and anxiety, I hate everything about myself and I can't trust anybody. I still live with my parents, and even to this day, hurtful things are said to me, but if I get upset... I'm told to grow up, or get a grip. I think there should be a clearer line between discipline and emotional abuse
I'm very sorry to hear this and I know exactly what you're talking about. Emotional abuse is terrible and I've been through serious depression and anxiety issues as a result as well as very low self-esteem and constant underachievement. The work is still not done but I've healed a lot. If you don't know non-violent communication I very much recommend you look it up. Search for Marshall Rosenberg. It helps tremendously to develop our relationship to ourselves and to others. (The two are interrelated anyway.) You might also benefit a lot from therapy, if you're not already visiting a professional. I wish you all the best and remember that it can be and will be better, even if at the moment it seems overwhelming and hopeless. You are resilient and capable. If it's getting too much, reach out. X
Kittsreview xo check out resources like Tony Robbins and other personal development leaders. Don't let your father's mistreatment of you determine your destiny. YOU decide ultimately.
Your story sucks, it makes me think from this video what is really worse for kids, having the train taken away for 3 days and non stop crying, prolonging and exacerbating the situation, or would it be kinder to smack the child, let them know in uncertain terms they have behaved badly, punishment over and done with quicker, child now knows where it stands, and they can then move on. Which is the more humane?
Couldn't agree more. Hitting kids traumatises them enormously. Also hitting kids can be a front for abuse, it was for me. I was told I was being 'disciplined' or 'punished', it was only years later as an adult I realised I was being abused.
I think I’m a bit late to the party here but I agree. When I was younger I’d have slap marks on my bum on my face I have scars on my face and hands where my mum caught me with her ring (really really hurt that) now me and my mum have no relationship I have mental health issues because of her hitting me. Hitting kids can really be damaging and some parents can take it “too far” like my mum did. She strangled me until I couldn’t breathe. I was only 12 but since then I’ve been messed up mentally. I’ve developed BPD and I have a hard time knowing who I am and who I can definitively trust. So I’m glad you made this video makes me restore faith in other parents. Knowing they won’t do what happened to me to their kids. Subscribed.
I agree with you. I was hit and spanked by parents. Now have difficult relationship with parents and family. Why should I love people who hurt and discourage me all the time? Do I know what love is or what it isn't ?
Melody Mcewen Yeah I agree. The same happened with me as well. After my parents spanked me, told me what I did wrong and hugged me, I had this WTF feeling like “Is this what love is?” Later on I began to evade my parents a bit more and lie to them sometimes when I’m in tough situations with them because I’m scared if I say the wrong thing, even if its the truth, I might be spanked again. At least someone out there sees what I see. :’)
1918 - 3202 I’m not sure about Melody but I was the type of child who wanted to make both my parents happy, but I did not know that making mistakes that didn’t seem serious to me at that time would allow the people I care about to hurt me. I threw tantrums sometimes because they hit me. I still remember to this day why they didn’t just skip the spankings and just tell me what I did wrong so I could learn from my mistakes in a positive way.
I'm a teenager and i've never really considered this kind of parenting. I mean, i always thought i would spank my children , not hard and not for just anything but i figured that was a part of raising a child as i was spanked as a child and like to think i turned out pretty well. This video was actually really eye opening. I hope i remember this when i become a mother. Btw you are realllly inspiring ty!
I love this! Instead of clinging to your preconceptions, you listened to the video with an open mind and had the courage to question yourself once you had new information. Most people don't have the ability to do this, because they're too invested in being "right". Many of the older adults here could take a lesson from you. :)
I agree with Jen Kara Stone. It is wonderful to see such a good example of a human being tbh. It is so rare for people to have such an open mind and question themselves based on new information they are given. There are indeed many people who could take a lesson from you.
My mother had the habit of lining all of us in up in the same room. Then we heard "If the person that did this didn't admit to it, I'm going to beat you all". Being the "baby" of the family and "a mistake that she didn't want"(as she told me) I only had a relationship with my 2nd sister(also unwanted). So as time passed without the guilty party fessing up(and mom getting angrier), my sister would begin to get upset. So in an effort to protect the only family member I cared about, I would take the beating. And mom's beating were to exhaustion. This led to the realization of how stupid I was as a kid. Not only did the guilty party pretty much know what was going to happen if he kept quiet, but I think the others actually believed I had done the deed. I did finally end them...I took it all until mom finally stopped, waited silently a bit, then started laughing at her. She got a very strange look on her face, then never beat me again... oh, and yes, I will admit to not going to her viewing, funeral, or grave.
This is really true when I was a kid my parent would beat the crap out of me for the smallest things. Once I smashed a cup after my parents told me to hold it would 2 hands and they made me stand on the smashed cup for 3 minutes. I have been terrified when it comes to cups and always hold them carefully. My dad was also a bodybuilder so it was impossible to fight back because that would just result in me getting more hurt. He also broke 3 sturdy wooden spoons over my back. My dad is black and my mom is asian and in these 2 cultures its okay to hit you children and there is nothing to protect your children. The only benefit is that I have an extremely high pain tolerance from all the things I went through and I am a good liar because I never wanted to get into trouble but I would never think of doing anything like that to my children.
I really hope you'd consider talking to a psychology professional. This could have unimaginable effects on you. So sorry you had to went through all that.
I can't believe how many parents are on here talking about how they need to physically discipline their kids and on the flip side how many kids are expressing trauma because of it. It makes me feel sick.
I wish my sister would listen to this. I’ve been telling her for years that spanking her son is not right. She began doing it when he was only a little over a year old. A child that age can’t even comprehend what they did wrong half of the time.
Sierra tell her "hey son don't hit other kids now I'm gonna hit u to show discipline cuz it's wrong to hit" flawless logic the child won't be confused at all (sarcasm)
This is a horrifying prospect but sometimes when a family member is that out of control you have to resort to threats. I don't know your sister but I was surprised how well that went for me in order to protect some kids in my family. You could threaten to call CPS for instance.
My dad was from a family of alcoholism,cigarette addicts, and physical assault. He's been brainwashed to the point into thinking that beating the shit outta me should work. At first when I was 7 to 11, it worked. I was scared beyond life of him. But now, it kinda depresses me and I don't really care about my life anymore. My mom always says it's my fault and that I shouldn't have provoked him, but HE PROVOKED ME. And if I get provoked (raising my voice or telling him to stop touching me), that must give him the right to beat me up. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 14, and have to live 4 more grueling years in this shithole with them. I can't anymore... please.
My Parents hit me. My Dad twice with a belt before I stopped doing or saying anything around him. In public my Mom would say: "No!" If I continued to make an issue out of something...she'd bend over, glare into my face and warn me "Wait until we get home." which meant I would be grounded, told I couldn't watch t.v., my bike would be out in the basement for a week, I couldn't play with friends...All hitting did was make me fear my Dad and never express myself around my Mom. Things changed in my teens. My Mom didn't hit. She threw things or would grab a broom to hit. She told me it hurt her hand to hit me. Later, as an adult she tried to hit but I would grab her hand and warn her..."You're not hitting me anymore. I'm not a kid! I'll hit you back now!" and although I never did that...I could have and it would have hurt me if I did. All hitting does to good kids is make us afraid of our parents who are suppose to love us. I never felt loved by my parents. I felt owned!
"Let's not use the Bible as our parenting guide for the 21st century" - Although I'm athiest, I agree so much with this for religious families. Hitting a child can impact their life hugely. Well said :)
+Laborer Strong you can't figure out that typo? Why do people think a typo means someone can't spell or create an accurate sentence? It happens. Get over it.
Oh, Hon. As a Bible believer, this makes me so sad. All these years, many church leaders have taught the people badly because they have not understood. I am so sorry.
@@rainaproske709 I was hit harshly as a child due to church teaching my parents received. It's really messed me up in a lot of ways. I don't think I ever will fully recover.
i am SO MOVED by how many young people feel safe with the words i say. i wish i had had them to share with more people i knew growing up. this is a hard topic. it's very hard to discuss. i thank you all for your bravery!!
Mayim you should pin this tweet to the top. i think those children need to see your response. it breaks my heart to see how many of them are replying to your video.
yes you did a great job in this video. i was raised mostly by mom and sister 10 years older then me. and and both were the same. most of it was like you said play nice with your toys or i will take them a way kind of discipline. i bet your a good mom. write back if you want to.
It seems that people are lumping together spanking a child and full-on beating the absolute shit out of them. There's a difference. Spanking a child shouldn't be a go-to for discipline, but it shouldn't be excluded entirely. Kids should know that there's consequences for their actions. For example, if someone who refuses to spank their kid instead puts him (let's assume it's a boy) in time-out for punching them, what do you think the kid is going to relate to punching someone? If they think it's worth it and they punch another kid, they aren't going to get time-out. They're gonna get a black eye. A kid needs to experience pain. It may seem harsh, but it's good to know. Life is full of pain. A kid needs to know that they can't just get off with a time-out for everything.
Definitely Not A Sociopath this response is so on point. I started posting months ago with this same mentality but could not get past that wall of spanking and beating being very different. After someone chimed in with a comment simply that i am "scum" and some nonsense about how my kids will beco.e robbers... i gave up and deleted my comments. The thing I love about this post is that Mayim got people fired up about something that affects most people. I love a good debate where info is shared.
Mayim Bialik when I WAS a kid I used to live with my granmum....she hit lots...thats not the way...I tell you,well my rear tells you.; )..josh.
Strict parenting just made me a good liar. My desire to avoid punishment and dissappointment by my parents made me very skilled at constructing stories to explain behaviors, habits and actions.
This might be me being overly conflict averse, or my parents had a way of dealing with problems that seemed too much like unneccessary conflict.
I think that kind of goes into what she says about avoiding pain. The parents may think by hitting their kids when they do something wrong they're conditioning them not to do the thing that was wrong, when actually they just might be conditioning the kid to avoid getting caught. All the kids know is that if their parents see them doing a thing, something bad will happen. So they hide it and "all is well".
When parents actually communicate with their kids, the kids know why they can't do something. And their conscience will inform them that that thing is wrong even the parents aren't around.
Haha makes the two of us. I cannot tell truth to my parents even if it's a good thing. I am eternally thinking that they may hate it.
My brother always lies. He denies everything even when it's clearly his fault, and he really gets worked up and starts shouting. I believe it's my dad's fault. He used to be really strict and he regularly hit my brother. I believe that if my parents had used a different parenting method, my brother would have been different now. He would have been more brilliant than me, he would have addressed his curiosity and his hyperactivity to something more productive.
He was always treated as the "black sheep", but he was just misunderstood. People always thought that I was the smartest in our family, but I was just more disciplined. My brother was clearly smarter, I've always known that. I wish he will understand one day, that everything I tell him is to encourage him to do better. However, he never listens to me, and he thinks that I despise him or have a very low opinion on him.
Wish things were different...
Yes, maybe your parenting was too strict.
I knew a girl who got grounded without much reason (including eating a flower once) and she began running away at night. Constantly getting punished is bad I think. I think it's good when parents only say what they mean and then keep it, threat or promise. I think there should be consequences, but they have to be consistent and make sense. Parents that make empty threats or promises don't get taken seriously.
I'm also against violence.
Glad its not just me
One day I was babysitting this 4-year-old child. He and his sister adore me, they love coming to our house, but I know why: their family is quite dysfunctional, I won't tell the whole story. I just realised how bad the situation was when, while me and (let's call him Z.) were playing, he threw a heavy toy and hit my toe. He didn't mean to hurt me of course! So I stopped playing and, as I was going to tell him very calmly not to do that again, I saw him crouching on the sofa and covering his head with his tiny arms.
It was truly heartbreaking, he was terrified! So I still told him not to do that again, then I hugged him and told him "I won't hurt you, but you hurt me, you understand?"
I wish I could adopt him and his sister, and save them from all this suffering.
Aww
Call CPS
This is heartbreaking :( did you contact authorities?
And you didn't call the police?
Same
I was hit growing as a child. As a result, I never had a good relationship with my parents. I feared my dad and hated my mum. I never fixed the relationship with my mum before she died. I would never, ever want my children to feel about me the way I felt about my parents. Hitting is the lazy way to discipline.
💯
Brother
Take Me To The Sea I had the same experience hitting is never good, I feel bad for what happened with you and your mom, love doesn’t come with pain.
I can relate to what you said so much bc I have anger issues and more issues that I can’t control and I always get hit and yelled at sometimes or even stuff thrown at me or slapped in my face and my brother said to my parents “I don’t like getting hit in my face please don’t do that” but I get hit in the face he doesn’t. and it scares me and traumatizes me so much and the sadness I feel is unbearable I get blamed too
Exactly
I wish my parents had heard this and let me tell you why. As a child I loved to draw. One afternoon after school I came home, did my homework, and sat down at the kitchen table to draw an image i saw in a book and wanted to see if I could replicate it. After I was done I was impressed with my accomplishment (which meant the world to me at the time) and wanted to show my mother. The next 20 minutes was probably one of the most horrifying as she slapped me across the face and continued to beat me with a studded leather belt that I tried to hide under my fathers desk in order for her to stop beating me across the back....only my legs were exposed and she continued to beat my legs for what seemed an eternity...crying and begging her to stop and promising I wouldn't draw again. She was upset because she thought I was drawing and never did my homework.......she never asked....she just assumed I didn't. Parental discipline at its best. I held back every artistic desire I had until I turned 50 and by a freak encounter became an actor. Once again, I wish your insight was available back then for her to hear.
I am really sorry this thing happened to you😢
I hope she felt like shit when she realized you'd done your homework. But probably not. Anyone who'd savagely beat their child for supposedly not doing their homework (even if you really hadn't done it before drawing, you obviously still wouldn't have deserved that) is obviously some sort of psychopath.
Omg, that is absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry your mom did that to you.
@@Faz527 so I guess you must think not every man who beats his wife is a psycho either?
🥺😢
Every time I see her talk, I am blown more and more away by her eloquence and intelligence. She always makes me think.
I was beaten as a child, bruises and all, and I still haven't forgotten about it and feel angry about it!! You don't forget these beatings when you are older and they do affect you mentally. I have a child and we are not disciplining him with violence..!
David Henderson thank you
David Henderson being spanked Bd being beat are two different things. Sorry that happened to you. I was beat also, I had to literally fight my mother off of me. She only hit me because I was the only one that fought back. I can't hug my mother like my sisters can. Her hands to me are the hands of the devil. I spanked my daughter once only once. After I took things away from her as a form of discipline.
Same. My dad was a psychotic ex marine and a sociopath. He just got in moods and would throw me across the room, even when I was close to 300 lbs. Because of him, I can't argue with anyone, or even think about arguing with someone, without picturing the person taking a swing at me. Because of that, my reaction is to come in hot, to gain the upper hand, rather than being able to communicate.
Yep....sometimes the damage is mental therefore invisible.! Sorry to hear your story...;o))
Your situation sounds more like abuse. There's a difference between discipline and beating the crap out of your kid.
I remember being slapped as a child and I never felt remorseful or sorry; I felt resentment. It wasn’t a hatred for what I did wrong it was for my mother. I get losing patience is easy, particularly for young parents but it’s pretty screwed up that someone’s first thought is hitting someone much smaller than them that can’t fight back because it’s all they know.
I think it is a generational thing, typically people who were hit as a child still hold the same distaste for and and don’t do it with their own kids. I know that will be the case for me.
Same they beat me.I yust become angry
DuckyDae X pussy
DuckyDae X
Same I am not to fond of my mom
It made me even more defiant, I didn’t care for the beating. As the years went by I completely lost respect for my father. It made me see him as a piece of shit. I mean, who would hit a kid? I look at kids now and I can’t imagine ever hurting them, there’s no reason to do so, and no excuse. They’re so tiny and they don’t think like adults, as grown ups we should protect them.
@@bluemagic3533 Since when being angry by getting hit is a pussy? Besides, that's human nature.
If your child is old enough to understand why what they did was wrong, then there's no need to hit them. If your child is not old enough to understand what they did was wrong, then they won't understand why you're hitting them.
Kitsune1414 this is the best, simplest explanation I have read!
Bet you're gonna have wonderful kids.
I will, my kids won't think violence solves problems. They'll know that communication and understanding do. You can punish children in ways that don't involve violence or pain.
then you have a sociopath and should find help
Not necessarily right. Not necessarily wrong.
*I got spankings, switchings, and beltings.*
I was the perfect little kid in school. I was -respectful- fearful of authority.
I listened, I never hurt anyone, I smiled.
I also had issues with low self esteem, social anxiety, and self harmed in high school.
_But, hey, I turned out fine._
Spanking taught me to bottle up anger and violent thoughts and turn them inward. I never, ever, respected my parents more after they hit me. It always hurt and I would hate them for those brief minutes of pain and then feel guilty for feeling that intense hatred afterward.
It was learned helplessness. I hated myself for causing my pain and my parents for hurting me. And I was smaller than them, so I was helpless when they took my own bodily autonomy away from me.
Their own lack of emotional maturity, especially my mother, was the reason for 95% of my spankings. She was quick to anger and often petty. She never learned to communicate. Never learned patience. *They were just doing what was done to them, without empathy or the desire to learn differently.*
I still love them. Always will. But I will never trust or respect them as fully as I wish I could.
Cosmic Rogue wow, your mother sounds exactly like mine
me mo Same. I wish I could trust and respect my parents like before.
But after they hit with me a spoon/chord/belt, all those precious thoughts I had of them crippled and died.
Never to return again.
Cosmic Rogue same tho
Cosmic Rogue same here.
Same
I am a well-educated, driven and polite person. I feel this has masked the fact that my dad hitting me created problems with anxiety and depression since I was about 12, and impacted my college performance as well. He says all the stereotypical things about hitting kids - "I was hit I turned out fine", etc, which by the way is not true in his evident explosive temper. Growing up I never knew what was right or wrong, I just had fear that anything might upset dad, which led to anxiety -- not a good way to structure or discipline me at all. Just caused life long mental illness.
Sarah Pajek I definitely got a problem with explosive anger. Cause everytime dad hit me I just wanted to hit back, and I feel like a monster is hiding under my skin waiting to erupt and cause harm. I was never hit hard, a slap or two, but I was terrified of it. I just didn't think it was fair. I could wrap my tiny baby mind around it. What am I being hit for? And then I learned to take it and to live with it but I guess there goes my repressed anger
What is your relationship with your father like now?
It's hard to teach someone right from wrong with violence. You are absolutely right on that.
Ugh, “I was hit and I turned out fine” people. Well. I wasn’t hit and I turned out fine too. With the added bonus of turning out fine completely pain-free!
Sarah Pajek I experienced the same, I would advise you to get some talk therapy and look into Cptsd. Please take an hour and do some research it will make sense and change your life.
When beating me up, my dad would continue hitting me for crying and screaming of pain, because he didn't want neighbours to be disturbed and he would hit me harder, telling me to shut up and I would cry more, so it was a cycle. I'm a girl and that was until 16 years. Trust me it influenced me really badly and I wouldn't wish it to anyone.
I’m so sorry
Yep same story they will tell insults and if I cry give you something to cry about
I live on a farm ☠️☠️☠️
You got your ass beat 🤣🤣
I went through this exact same thing. I'm a dysfunctional adult and can't maintain relationships.
I grew up with 4 siblings; three older brothers and one little sister. If one of us did something wrong or if we didn't listen to mom or dad; they would sit us down at the kitchen table, talk to us in a strong/powerful voice, tell us what we did wrong and give us a warning. EVERY TIME we didn't 'behave', they did this and it WORKED. They did this in the car, at the mall or at a restaurant (more hidden). No hitting/spanking, no yelling.
I had a friend who grew up with three sisters, two older and one younger. I remember when I was outside playing hide and seek with my friend one day, I noticed a huge bruise on her shoulder. I simple asked her about it and she said "my dad got mad because I didn't do my homework". I thought back to the one time I didn't do my homework and my punishment was to not watch any cartoon that evening with my brothers and for a little kid who loved cartoon, THAT made me sad. I don't think I realised that her dad had actually hit her since I was too young, until later that week when I knocked on her door and her dad opened. He yelled "She's NOT coming outside to play!". She was behind him and said that she had done her homework and asked please. He left the door open as he ran to her, grabbed her by her arms and threw her down to the floor and I will NEVER forget the panic in her eyes. Today, she's in no contact with her parents. She said a few years ago that "they abused me and I didn't understand why they hurt me". She needed years of therapy. As I feel for her, I am so thankful that my parents did the right thing even though they had a handful with 5 kids with 1-2 years apart.
Wow. This is sad
Hamza Raza Dude, really? You don’t need to be an asshole to her just because she said something that offended you.
@@spyroapplesauce English is not my first language, can you maybe explain what he meant with that comment?
JMelliee J Hamza was being a butt because he didn’t like what you said, so I called him out.
Similarly to my case, I was sleeping outside of house for 2 whole night like a homeless person when I was 4, got beaten everyday that it leave scar on my body (until I was 10), being insulted (fagot, useless) infront of public when was a kid, now to me both my parents are just biological parents, nothing more nothing less. 😢 Each story that end sadly have a sad beginning. A reason why most of elders end up alone without even a child on their side. Emotional attach between a parent and child are important especially when they still developing, emotionally and physically.
When I was little (4 ish) my mom recorded me with a tape recorder when I would whine or throw a tantrum. She played it back to me so I could hear what it sounded like. She asked me if I wanted to sound like that, realized I didn’t and never did it again.
That was actualy really clever.And a good way to discipline kids.
Not all kids but some of them
Lol
My mother had to do that with my sister
I remember this woman that I knew she had kids that were much younger than me and they threw a fit in a grocery store and she said she literally flopped herself on the floor on her back and kicked and screamed and threw a temper tantrum and the kids were so embarrassed she said that they never did it again. sometimes it takes stuff like that to make the kids realize that they're being Stupid.
@@RexTheDinosaur1 omg i'm just picturing that situation playing out😂😂
oh my...so many people are going to have VERY strong opinions about this one!!!! we are going to post a list of countries that have banned hitting children; you might be surprised! more later!!!
I will check later, but is Canada included there? In Canada spanking is allowed, but with restrictions. And no one talks about the specifics. People assume that spanking is, or isn't allowed. Also, you'd never know because, when I was growing up, the common question in a power-struggle with a parent and child, was a parent asking "do you want a spanking?" and then it's done not long after; even in public. Now no one does, though people still have the same opinions both ways. Though, I've also never heard a parent of a 1.5 year old counting down the days to their 2nd birthday when they can legally spank them. Nor do I hear 12.5 year olds planning to smash cake in parents' faces on their 13th birthdays to rub in their faces "haha you can't spank me no more!". Or those in the Judeo-Christian circles who mis-interpret "the rod", as spanking can only be done with an open hand; no objects. Personally, I think if you must spank, it should be VERY limited; even more than Canadian laws; by the time they start school, they should have the ability to reason and learn from things, and be told more reasons of "why" they can't do things besides "because I said so, I'm the mom/dad and God told you to obey me". Thanks for the video.
I was smacked, as was my brother, and seeing him smacked was more distressing to me than being smacked myself. It also didn't affect our long-term behaviour in a positive way. We just became secretive because we didn't want to be smacked. Our parents weren't even unkind people, they just were raised to believe that's what discipline looked like. I agree with everything you said here. There are far better ways to teach kids. Hitting them just shows them there is a positive context for hitting.
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I had never heard of rearing children without hitting/spanking/etc. until my first husband brought it up. He asked me if I would be willing to consider rearing our 5- and 2-year-old without corporal punishment. I laughed at the thought but thought it wouldn't hurt to try, so I told him I would think about it. Two to five weeks later, he was killed in a plane crash, and as I stood over his grave, I promised him there would be no such punishment in our house. I had no idea how to do that, but that's the way it was. The only books on rearing children that I knew about then were Dr. Spock's and Dr. Dobson's. Hah! Think about it.
@@rainaproske709 sorry for your loss, it sounds like he was a good man
@@rainaproske709 thank god you don’t abuse them anymore
As a child, my parents would smack my sisters and I for literally everything. The abhorrence of our behaviour however, is what determined what we got smacked with. If we yelled - we got a hand. Took something that wasn't ours - a wooden spoon. Something worse - a belt.
The thing I got disciplined most for as a child was "retaliation". By this, my parents meant that if my sister hit me and I hit her back, I had retaliated and was therefore worse than her. My sister would not be punished as I had "already punished her". As I got older (8ish) if my sister did something wrong I would hit her, thinking I was doing the right thing by disciplining her. Then as punishment for hitting her, my parents would hit me. THIS IS SO CONFUSING to a child.
By the time I was 12 I was able to articulate the absurdity of what was happening. I told my parents they were hypocritical. That their "discipline" was reactionary not disciplinary. I had explained how they had instilled in me that if someone does something I don't like, my first response should be to hit them. Their response? "Clearly you haven't been smacked hard enough to know that's not acceptable".
Smacking teaches kids that violence is the answer. It teaches them to be impatient. My parents would tell me "I got smacked as a child and I turned out fine". Sure, some people might think that, but if you think it's okay to hit a small, developing human who idolises you and depends on you, did you really turn out "fine"?
~end rant~
Emily so sorry to hear that. My mom has said a similar thing about her upbringing by her grandparents. While I was hit for a short period as a child my parents decided not to hit my brother which I totally supported growing up 10 years apart. Whenever my mom kind of used that "I turned out fine even though I was hit," or something like that I always say yeah but you don't talk fondly about your grandparents. Even today when she discusses them it's always with a kind of distaste in her mouth. Just because you respect someone doesn't mean you like them. I much rather be love and respected by somebody and hated and disrespected in memory.
Emily Im sorry you had to go through this as a child. You parents certainly didnt turn out "fine"
Emily I'm 18 and a male I say this because I notice a lot of people who identify as wemon are commenting on this video I wasn't affected to greatly by being hit but I learned at an early age not to do bad things I won't get hit. My theory is boys are not as emotionally attached therefore if you hit them when they grow up they wont complain about it or that could just be me. You may now be triggered.
Aaron Gilleylen
Hey. You might gather that from the comments on this video however that observation is due in large to the demographics of the viewers. Do you have a source to back up that claim?
Emily nope the only evidence I have to go by is that I haven't seen one guy complain and it could be a pride thing so we will never know
Another thing someone pointed out to me was that kids have developing minds, they usually struggle to communicate/handle what they need or what’s bothering them. So when they lash out it can be for a more simple reason, and they just need to be handled with compassion and patience. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firm, but it put parenting into perspective for me.
I took care of my neighbor's kid who used to hit her. Her mum said she's a fucking nightmare and "I should just kill myself so that you (her 5 year old child) feel guilty and understand why you should just do what I say". Clearly this mum was not well and so I took the kid off her for a while and took care of her (mum still visited and was fine with it) it turned out all the child's behaviour was caused by trouble communicating, made worse by a stressful environment. I over the space of a year taught her how to communicate and made her feel safe. When her mother was better they reunited and got on fantastically well.
Stephy Dippolito all inappropriate behaviors can be misinterpreted as bratty, spolied, misbehaved, disobedient children. These labels are so false. A behavior usually indicates an unmet need. Every. Single. Time.
My Ma was taking my brother and me to Disney, we were about seven and eight and being complete brats smacking each other in the back of the car. My Ma gave us a warning that if we didn't stop, we weren't going to Disney anymore. My brother started smacking me again about a half hour later. We didn't go to Disney that year. When I was older I found out my Ma couldn't get refunds for any portion of the trip, so she spent hundreds of dollars (as a single mom working as a hairdresser ) making sure that we knew she would follow through on anything she said.
Give that woman some flowers! my mom never even took me to the park down the street.
Uh... Disney has a long track record of giving refunds. I think she's bullshitting you.
Candorsmayhem ok really! Really. You don’t have to be like that.
Abigail Hickle Apparently to you, lying is better than telling the truth. Congrats on having shitty morals.
Uh, sometimes you get things through a travel agency or broker as part of a package and they are not refundable. Uh, sometimes companies change their refund policy over the years and you don't know how long ago this was.
When my youngest was 3 she got mad because I told her no about something and slammed her bedroom door.
When she came back I told her she didn't slam it hard enough and she should try again. She shrieked and slammed it again as she stomped off.
I did the same thing the next two times she came out. My mom said it wasn't nice to antagonize her like that. But the last time she didn't slam the door, but she was so mad she fell asleep.
That was 15 years ago and she hasn't slammed a door in anger since then.
Sometimes not giving them the reaction they're looking for (in that case, anger) curbs the behavior.
In Sweden, hitting/spanking/physical discipline/whatever is *illegal* and seen as morally abhorrent, which is why reading comments defending it gives me culture shock in a major way... great video, empathy is so important when discussing such a sensitive topic as parenting!
I feel the same way, same here in Germany and I think most of Europe, I never imagined it'd be that different across the pond.
I’m moving to Sweden
Its the same here in Norway. I work with children and even though they drive me crazy sometimes I would never EVER strike them. The thought never crosses my mind. And I honestly can't believe some people chose to do this to their own child.
Me too, i'm from Germany, i didnt know hitting children was legal in the USA
You can't hit your kids which I agree with but you can have mass immigration of a religion that allows abuse of women and kids. Do these laws apply to Muslim immigrants? I feel a strong sense of cognitive dissonance from the Nordic countries that will soon be called the New Middle East.
I used to be on the “I was spanked and turned out fine” bandwagon. But then I realized I had bad anxiety and resentment and fear of my childhood. How does that make me fine. None the less, because of my parents’ actions, I’m statistically more likely to hit my own kids in the future. What good is that.
Mandy Schmidt Just make up your mind that you won't hit your children and don't do it. Statistics are one thing, but will power is another. Practice relaxation techniques (like 1st step away and take deep breaths) and that will help. If you hit them, it'll likely be reaction without thinking bc you get angry and frustrated. So just learn to walk away if you feel that coming on. You'll do fine if it's important to you.
If you listen to this channel then you should know she doesn't believe anxiety comes from "hitting" because she has anxiety.
Anxiety can be traced back to many things, not sure why you think that's related to spankings.
Same! My anxiety is terrible. I want to do better for my kids. For me, I was hit a lot with the belt or spatula. It might not cause anxiety for EVERYONE but I do believe that my parents did not give me what I needed while growing up. I do believe it's also to do with mental discipline, diet, environment, and many other factors but I had a very typical childhood... But it was rough. And I wish to give my kids a better life and relationship with me and each other
We are all different. My parents spanked me and yes I have spanked my kids but I have done it so few times I can count on 1 hand how many for each of them. I also didn't spank my kids when I was angry, this teaches your kids that this is how you respond when you are angry. I would make them go to their room to think about why it had come to this point and I would sit and calm myself down so that I eas not angry anymore. They would get 3 swats on the backside and that is all. 3 of my kids are grown and my youngest is 11. I have spanked her once and my older ones, I think the boys got spanked 3x each and my oldest daughter twice. Once was for stealing from Walmart. It was a behavior that had been getting out of control. She was stealing from my husband and I and from her friends homes. She stole one of her friends Christmas presents wrapped and all out from under their tree. That was humiliating to take back. We made her return the items to Walmart and they told her that she puts herself in danger of being arrested and the whole time the mgr was talking to her she was waving at a friend in line so we took her to speak with a police officer about what happens if she gets arrested and she could have cared less so we spanked her. That actually did the trick. She was just never really given punishments for anything, she always was given a pass by everyone and a "she didn't mean to" or "she didn't understand that was wrong"....she was 11 and a smart 11yo at that. She is a good kid now, very involved at church. The spanking didn't cause any long term issues with my kids I suppose because it wasn't used often. I think that when parents use spanking every time their kid does something wrong it loses the effect. It teaches kids that this is how you respond when you get angry because many parents spank when they are angry. It should be a very rare occurrence if ever used at all.
Thank you. I was the one that got traumatized and it continues. At 62 I still have PTSD from childhood abuse. I didn't hit, but I wasn't a great parent. My twisted worldview made it pretty impossible for me to understand how. I was still searching for the love I didn't experience as a child, I wanted my child to be my friend. It didn't turn out well. I didn't learn to have healthy boundaries for myself until well into my forties. Sigh. There are so many ways that hitting children can damage them for life. You're the best.
Hitting partner that is probably your height and can leave any time: Illegal
Hitting child that is half your size and depends on you/ can't leave so they can be "good": Legal
???
This.
It's illegal where I'm from btw, and it's baffling to me that it isn't in the USA
kids never should be hitted
Why do you always say half height I’m 10 years old and 5’1 what are my parents 10’2 ?
Gustavo Gamer usually kids get spanked before the age of seven when people are like 3ft. That’s probably what they mean, but I could be wrong.
My grandfather used to tell my parents that my siblings and I needed "a good whack" but my mother wouldn't have it. She always said it was an unfair fight and that if you resort to hitting a child, YOU were the one who was out of control, not them.
finally a comment from someone whose parent had a shred of basic human decency
Nikki Jaymes it depends on the situation
My Grandfather never hit Me he taught Me how to track, hunt,fish and if something is worth doing it's means giving it your best and he taught Me how to Box My Grandmother taught Me to be polite help other's who needed it and how to bake bread and the
U.S. Marine Corps
Taught a few things too
j 8 no it doesnt. you should never under any circumstance, hit a child
Marc, it sounds like you had a well-rounded education and great foundation for life
Honestly one of the most articulate and compelling arguments against smacking/hitting. I am fiercely opposed to hitting children but have never been able to say it in such a logical way. Beautifully said.
I think the video is propaganda. Smacking/hitting are not the same thing. I too am fiercely against hitting children. But I am fiercely for the right of parents to use smacking as a form of discipline if they so choose.
And if you can't understand why that attitude makes absolutely no sense there is really nothing any intelligent person can say to you.
Of course they can, but from your comment I guess maybe someone more intelligent than you perhaps?
Please explain the difference between a smack and a hit, and how the child would tell the difference.
Alex harvard, a hit can mean many things, from punching, to launching a rocket at a target (direct hit) to being a success (ie the phrase "you are a hit". A smack is a specific type of hit, ie open palm normally on the buttocks. Hitting has a broader range of definitions in terms of contact. A smack is literally what it means, describing the action. Growing up for me hitting was only described generally as punching, which is worse than a smack. thus implying in many peoples minds its something worse than it is. How the child would tell the difference is simple, especially if you have siblings or social interactions with kids, fighting and so forth. I was a kid once, not the smartest, but I knew the difference between receiving a hit from my siblings and smack from my mum. And you know what, I have turned out alright all things considered, and thank my mum for doing what was necessary.
"my parents hit me and I turned out fine"
Said every parent who hits their kids ever
Mona Vanderwaal if you abuse children as an adult, you didn't turn out fine lmao
Especially when parents hit their children and then scold and punish their children for hitting them back or hitting another child at school. Children mimic behavior, and doing things like this will give them mixed signals and the child will begin to feel like it's okay for people to hit them, but not for them to hit back and defend themselves. I grew up in a strict household, where my parents would yell at me for the tiniest things because they always felt that they needed to "keep their kids in check" to prove to other family and friends that they were "good parents", I guess. Because of this, I grew up very closed off and I kept my emotions to myself because when I tried to voice my opinions, they would dismiss me by saying "it's not a child's place" or "be quiet". When I grew older (around 12) I began to get bullied in school and I wouldn't defend myself because I was scared...I would just let the bullies say whatever they wanted to me and internalize my pain and keep it to myself. I would go home crying to my parents and telling them that I was being bullied, yet my parents were the same ones to tell me off for not defending myself. Some parents don't seem to understand that how you treat your kids and the subliminal messages you present to them while they're younger, will eventually rear its head throughout their lives, in the form of how they treat their future children, their future relationships, future friendships etc...
looking at me on the outside, my parents would say the same thing "I hit my kids and they turned out just fine"...little do they know.
Makeup 987654321 When you get hit by your parents because you hit another kid.....
Mona Vanderwaal preached!
That actually is her point.
Hello brothers and sisters. I would just like to recommend that everyone read the book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’. Reading that book was the best desicion I ever made.
You should do a video on raising your voice or verbal abuse, what the long term results are for children and adults
Are you equating raising your voice and verbal abuse are even in the same vicinity? Because coming from a childhood home of actual abuse where I was verbally mentally emotionally and physically abused raising your voice is nothing. I would have rather had my parents raise their voice to me then what they did.
@@RexTheDinosaur1 I have also come from a house where I was abused in many ways, physically, mentally and verbally. Despite having my parents shout at me wasn't the worst thing, I'd still get anxiety and panic, not be able to breathe etc. This was because I was afraid of what they'd do next. A parent raising their voice is the reason that when I'm in a place with loud noises (music at parties etc) I get panic attacks. It may not be the worst thing but it still has an affect on people.
@@mycuppatea6108 yes but that's coupled with being physically abused. Just like me. But if you were just only yelled at the more likely wouldn't be having panic attacks. You only have panic attacks more likely cuz you were physically abused because like you said you were free what they were going to do next. Of all your parents did was just yell at you and never hit you ever I doubt you'd be having panic attacks. And yeah I've got them too but only when someone's being very aggressive with me. Or if I'm in a situation where it feels like I have no control and there's a lot of aggression then I will have one like I've had one in the doctor's office before. But that comes with being physically abused. See we both would know what it would be like to just be only yelled at because we had physical abuse thrown into the mix.
Yeah! And the long term negative results from pillow fights and being forced to stay at the noisy house of your auntie because you want to play Nintendo but it’s a family reunion so your parents won’t leave. Old people are kissing you ... with hairy upper lips... and their husbands are too. Everyone calls you “baby”, but YOU’RE NOT A BABY! You turned 7 and 4 whole months yesterday!
... what’s worse? You JUST got Pitfall for your Atari 2600 2 weeks ago, because mommy accidentally fussed at you for shaving your sisters head so she had to make up for that somehow, and you want to go play it.... NOOOOWWW!
@@mycuppatea6108 my parents hit me and i dont ever feel like i learned anything i just become more angry and resentful and now i have anger management issues
My mother refused to ever hit me and as a result we had an amazing relationship. I was very well behaved and while I did stupid stuff sometimes and made mistakes she never hit me. She once found out a babysitter hit me and she freaked out and never let her babysit me again. My mother was only highschool educated with a minimum wage job and we lived paycheck to paycheck. Extremely low income. Because you are under constant stress and you're kids make mistakes and can be annoying, etc. doesn't mean you can hit them.
On the other hand my older sister has two kids. She has disciplined them both by spanking. My neice has turned out fine. Her brain could handle it. My nephew? Not so much. He's angry and mean and he hits and bites and screams and cries in public and he's impossible. But guess who he listens to when he's being bad? Me. When I'm around and he's upset instead of spanking him I take a gentler approach. I talk to him, communicate with him to find out what's wrong. I don't yell and tell him he's bad. I try to find out what's wrong and work with him to help him stop the behavoir. And guess what? It works. He listens to me when I visit he doesn't tell me he hates me like he does to my sister. Now, he isn't a perfect angel around me. Not trying to say that, he definitely still acts out a ton. But I'm able to calm him down without brutal force or screaming and trust me when I saw it's so much less stressful, talking instead of screaming, holding instead of hitting.
So think twice before you hit your kid. As Mayim said, you wouldn't hit your spouse like that, or your pet, or a complete stranger. So why on earth would you hit a defenseless child who isn't allowed to hit back? That makes NO sense. And if you are the kind if person who would hit your spouse, pet, or complete stranger then YOU are the one with the problem. Not your child.
She refused...but she thought about it...
I was once told; if you won't hit your best friend, why hit your kids who are far more important to you.
@@blakes9771 Yeah, but you don't have to hit them to teach them a lesson.
@@blakes9771 Also you should totally be friends with your kids having a relationship where they can talk to you about anything is important. So long as you set boundaries and firmly establish what is and isn't acceptable
because we are just kids du!
@@blakes9771 the thing that scares me is that you have a baby in your pp
Just so you know my mother slaped me all the time, i leaved from the age of 28 and never looked back
@@blakes9771 You can just lock them in a room and tell them to evaluate what they did. It's easy
I'm 44 yrs old, I still think about the way my mom used to hit me and it still makes me cry.
Me too...I'm 40years old now and I stil think about that makes me angry and cry ..I will never forgive my mother.
100% with you Mayim, so many laws protect strangers, spouses and animals from abuse, but non protect the kids from abuse from their own guardians. Its insane and I would like you rather take away toys or leave the fun place, if the kids act up.
I'm still 24y and without kids, but as a swede I've been taught not to abuse, so I see it as a natural thing to never be okay with it, in order to discipline someone.
Violence never solves things, only as self-defense, never otherwise.
Marielle Swanson Luckily there are laws protecting children from spanking in most developed countries! It's an area that the United States is woefully outdated on.
They don't have cash...beatem until they can pay you off...
If laws protected animals from abuse we wouldn't have zoo's, aquariums, circuses, swimming with dolphins, and riding elephants. Animals are a lot less protected than humans and have almost zero legal rights.
N.S. Well it's illegal to hit an animal, but not illegal to hit a human child. In fact, the first law protecting animals from abuse was passed BEFORE any law protecting children from abuse was passed. The lawyer fighting for child abuse protection made the case that the girl he was defending is technically an animal and should therefore be protected under the animal abuse laws. As a result the first child abuse laws were created, only after animals were protected.
There is a huge difference using physical discipline (slapping ,hitting) as ways to combat evil/psychopathic behaviors in young children abuse. Don't equate them to the same thing.
Hitting doesnt work. I was beaten as a kid and I dont repsect my parents more for it. If anything I respect them less. They arent fine and my siblings werent okay because of it. I became depressed and still deal with PTSD. If you dont have the patience and love it takes to raise a child DONT have them!
I have an autistic toddler and 99% of the time I parent alone (dad is out a lot) but I will not hit my child. I was beaten and no it didnt work so I wont hurt my son.
Be strong! 💞 I'm rooting for you 😊
witchu on that
I'm sorry, that's awful! No one deserves beatings as a child. In my family, my parents spanked us, but we weren't beaten. No broken bones or skin, no bruises. Just a swat that brought a stinging pain for like ten seconds. There were also other forms of punishment and discipline, time out, no tv/computer, no reading (that was my joy so if I acted out it was taken away) etc. The disciplinary act changed based on the age and personality of the child. My brothers got more spankings than I because that is what they responded to better. We weren't beaten though, such a shame others can't say the same. I'm glad you are not following in the abusive manner that you were raised. I wish you all the best with your chidlren.
same they should teach us not too do things cause it's wrong not because were scared of being hit its like you have as much right to hit me for not doing what you want as i do too you
Nope for me it's different if you hit a kid they should be able to learn that way for example if a kid yells out something extremely disrespectful or curses out loud in they house that's when you can hit them because if you do that it will show the kids that what they did was wrong and regretful my mom hit me yesterday she pulled my hair and dragged me into my room because disrespected my older sister and mom tells my sister to hit me if I don't respect her like an elder and she's right so when I get hit a couple minutes later I think about it and I understand and tell my self I deserved that hit deep down I really did but my mom obviously comes and hugs me after and tells me "I'm sorry for hitting you but what you did was wrong and if you do it again I will hit you. I hurt myself when I hit you but I know that you learn like that. Don't ever say or do that again, I only want the best for you" and then she hugs me again and if you're saying oh if she hurts herself by hitting me then why does your mom hit you? Well like she says it's only the best for me and yes I do learn like that I learn not to disrespect or talk back to my momespecially that I grew up with Spanish speaking parents my parents are both Mexicans and they think it's fine to hit your child. They think simple talk discipline will help a child to learn no they will only cry or throw a tantrum they will just keep doing what they're doing which is not good. Hitting children already happens a lot in Mexico so it's most likely that this is never gonna stop but I think it's ok we know better. We have to respect our elders.
I have been beaten a lot, wether I "needed" or not. Sometimes I don't speak or react to things as I should do because I'm afraid of peoples' phisical violent reaction. So, people mocks me a lot. And I am always wanting to be the nice woman, pleasing others, when nobody cares to please me. It's changing, but I don't want to be a cold hearted woman, you know? Shit is difficult to deal. Kisses from Brazil.
Carolina Campos i know how you feel
Maybe they thought you were a cake.
Standing your ground and boundaries doesn't make you cold, it makes you warm toward yourself. You don't owe anyone anything, no matter what they've done to you in the past, good or bad. I know it's so hard to deal with though. One day at a time
you are like me
Its a good lesson. learn to keep your mouth shut in real life because when someone else hits you it wont be nice.
_"wEll mY pArEnTS HiT mE aND I TuRnED oUT fiNe"_
Says parents that also hit their kids.
This is what drives me crazy the most. OMG HOW CAN THEY TAKE SUCH A STUPID EXAMPLE??? I mean just because "it didn't have an effect on them" it DOES NOT MEAN it didn't have on us.
Me to parents: are you sure about that🧐
ColdDragons Bc ur spoiled kids should get beating when misbehaving I did and I’m a kid not an adult it teaches discipline Idk if it’s Bc this is America but in Trinidad it’s good and it teaches discipline
@@skylathomasmithchell2804 wth
@@skylathomasmithchell2804 That's not how discipline is taught
Hitting kids is wrong, yes. But what isn't talked about so much is the other side to it where parents also use emotional abuse to punish their children. They both can be equally as damaging to a child and it doesn't get talked about enough or brought attention to.
I totally agree with this. There are a lot of ways that guilt and other forms of manipulation are used for "discipline," and it can absolutely be to the detriment of a child's psyche. Parents who mean well often don't realize how damaging it can be to blame a child for an entire event/day/week/year being "ruined;" to tell a child they aren't a part of the family because they don't act a certain way; to keep a child from spending time with other people just because the parent wants to spend time with them. There are of course also parents who go to extremes with emotional abuse, but in my experience the signs of childhood emotional abuse show up most frequently in the children of parents who really do care but haven't evaluated what they're saying to their children. (I don't have empirical evidence for my current statements, but I do have experience from my own childhood and through talking to other people about how they were raised.)
I dealt with both types of discipline, it doesn't help help that I always try to understand why things happen. When I was a kid if my mom didn't want to take me some place she would give me an impossibly hard task then when I couldn't do it she would say that it was my fault. So as a kid I started to understand that if I wanted to do it, it wouldn't happen. My mom loves me but I know I'm only seen as an accessory to her life. I'm 21 and she still pulls this stuff, for example I wanted a ferret but I needed a vet recommendation, but she can't handle me making my own decisions so she avoided getting our cats updated on our shots so that I couldn't get the letter. And she blames me for being too busy with work to help her take them.
Well said. Theres the whole "sticks and stones break my bones but words can never hurt me" thing. That does not apply to children. Words have hurt me far more than any physical discipline that I have endured.
I agree with you totally. Looking back now, I would have rather taken a beating than to be constantly told I wasn't smart enough or was not "cut out" to be in any field I was interested in by my father. No doubt he was repeating the same words that had been said to him when he was young but that's no excuse.
Both verbal and physical abuse as well as sexual abuse growing up since I was...3, and from different "family" members and several others throughout life. My biological left prior to my birth, making me a green card consequence, I suppose. I wouldn't find out that I was on the autism spectrum until age 41. I never ever understood why I was being "punished" and I believed that words yelled at me. I had zero friends. I had zero autonomy. My life was, as Mayim says, avoiding, hiding but also anticipating because there was no escape. The result: starting at about 7 or 8, I decided that there were ALWAYS children in worse situations than I. I don't know what drew me to set my issues aside, maybe because I couldn't fix them...but I could love others. So I grew through life as a bleeding empath. The strongest energy I had and have ever felt in my existence was and is love. And so I poured it onto all the "broken" people which, as an adult, all my partners and both my husbands, turned out to be every type of narcissist. I had children and have always used gentle parenting. Being autistic helps a bit with that as it makes sense to me to discipline in sense making ways and I would be damned if my children ever, ever went through anything like I did. I truly figured that I had enough love and I had enough intelligence, I loved science, especially neuro and psych and I figured out really lovely ways of parenting...and so I brought them forth, one by one. Turns out, I am intelligent but I didn't understand all the abuse, even through years of therapy and a love of psychology. I even figured it would just happen to me and surely not to my children. On top of that, our community saw the outside of our lives, the outside of our abusers and they sided with them. After all, they brought money home and I just raised my children...I didn't know what gaslighting was and I believed that l was the problem. I still to this day hyper focus on how I can be a better person all around. -Fast forward to today, my children have all been affected by verbal, emotional, psychological, some physical and, to kill our spirits all the more, one known incident of sexual abuse. We're as far away as we've ever been from our abusers with a bit more to go and quite a bit of therapy left to gain. -The point I think I was trying to make here is that...hitting ended up being the least of my issues. Even though my body was whipped, punched, slapped, dropped and thrown. The Psychological and emotional abuses are now EVERYTHING to myself and to my children. They're the absolute worst to live with because they become your narrative. They ARE your subconscious and it's our subconscious that runs our lives, creates and manifests within them, attracts people and situations to them. To reverse that, to reprogram the subconscious you have to get to the subconscious and affect it. We're barely figuring out how to do that, barely scratching the surface. -I die a thousand deaths silently every single day because the abuse bled to my children. It's not always that the abused abuse...it can often be that the abused know no other thing, don't understand abuse and therefore bring other abusers who do abuse the children. -There's a psychological emotional death that I and THEY have to resurrect because abusers don't turn around and make things better. And, as it turns out, it really is true, down to the science of the thing, that the individual has to heal themselves. Fingers crossed those harmed have the education necessary to do so, which is a rarity in our times. -I just cannot stress enough how damaging it is, how damaging it can be and how it can attract more and become a giantly cyclical, deeply penetrating, life altering and destroying thing. -If you've got love, give it to yourself and then please give it to others. If you've got the education, please pass that along as well. So very many need healing and don't know where or how to get it and wow do they deserve it. 🌸
When i got in fights at school my dad would hit me. Flawless logic.
Kosm 😂😂😂 EXACTLY 🗣
If he was a good father, then that means he did that to teach you that if you don't show decency and kindness to strangers, even ones you don't like, painful consequences can follow because life is cruel and not a candy land
😂😂😂😂
So. My dad used to hit me although if I had a fight and was defending myself. He didn't he would just talk to me. My parents only disciplined me in the extreme cases such as talking back to tea hers
Matthew Medeiros I lost brain cells reading this a good father has a fucking heart to heart with their child the fuck you mean ‘good father’ resolve violence with violence? not mature.
Some of the stupid reasons me or my brother got hit are; dropping the salt shaker, having an asthma attack, having a sore throat, telling the truth, answering the question they asked (seen as answering back), not answering the question that they asked (seen as sulking), using the bathroom to bathe, not finishing dinner as of illness, and the biggest reason parents had a bad day.
Vicky Mc so your parents were abusive. That doesn't count as regular spanking
Danny D. Shut up Danny
The "Answering the question they asked (seen as answering back)" is mostly the reason why my older sister gets hit by my mom. If my mom asked her a question and my sister answered, my mom would see that as "talking back" and that pissed her off which led to hitting my sister. It's stupid, but true :(
Danny D. Wow telling someone to kill themselves? Are you in middle school?🤣🤣
Warrior Lovato you can follow the same advice.
Mayim thank you so much for this, I wish more people will see this especially in Asian societies. Hitting a defenceless child only creates fear and resentment towards the parent, and this can leave a scar long into adulthood. Nobody ever says they love their parents more for hitting them.
Spanking just made me avoid being caught, not so much discontinue the behavior. It also made me lose respect for my parents and I resented them for it. Even as a child I felt like spanking was the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum. Like if they can't keep themselves in check why should I?
I felt the exact same way as a child.
@Aurora If you already had a discussion with them then what the hell is the point of spanking them also? It doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt. It embarrasses children and they will remember what you did to them. Learn some fucking discipline.
EXACTLY!
Alex B. "adult temper tantrum" is super accurate. now because im an adult and my mom cant hit me, she resorts to stomping her feet and yelling in one place. much like a young child.
Adults are just older childreb
I'm a girl and I'm 15 years old(from Spain),since I was 6 or 7 years old my father start to hit me with a belt or a broom(he didn't stop until the broom was broken).When he finished he hugs me and he says that he only want,what is good for me.And I really hate him so much he beated for little things and
that made me so traumatic,when someone try to touch me without telling me I always try to dodge it.
But I learned that,if my father punish me with hitting me,does not mean that I became like him.
I really appreciate that you read this,it means alot!I've never told it to anyone and sorry for my English
Nona Velasre I’m so sorry to read this. Your English is just fine and you need to know your worth and feel that despite your father’s poor treatment, he thinks he is doing what is right. I wonder if, I’m a moment of calm and kindness, you could sit your father down and tell him what it makes you feel like and how much you want to love him but that when he does these things it erodes/breaks your trust and ability to care for him. It’s a very mature move but one that just might work. Given his treatment of you it doesn’t sound like you have anything to lose. Again, I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this kind of treatment. Know that it is NOT a reflection of your value or your character, it is HIS flaw.
I'm sorry you've had to live like this. No one should be hitting another, especially their own child, with a broomstick or belt. I'm hoping things change, and maybe by now you've had chance to try out talking to your Dad like April suggested. Best wishes to you.
Su ingles esta bien-mejor que mi espanol. Su padre tu golpea porque el fue golpeado. Usted puede cambiarlo para sus hijos. Usted puede terminar la cadena de violencia . Hice esto. Salud.
i just wanna say keep on fighting and we love you sooooo much
I hope you're okay and the pain eases❤️
My parents hit me a lot when I was a kid, however, when I grew up, they stopped and use another tactic instead, it is guilt. I always try to be a good kid, do well in school but I am very stubborn and always want my points of views to be listened by them. But my parents have a mentality that parents are always right and no matter what u said, they will say what u said is disrespectful to them and that I am a bad kid to question their authority.
Whenever we fight, they would bring up some of the stupid things I did when i was young just to back up their arguments and hurt me( cuz they know I deeply regret these mistakes ).
I love my parents but sometimes I just need to be heard and be treated like an adult
the fact they bring up thing you did when you were young is because they have no ground to stand on in terms of treating you the way they do... I promise you are good, you’re good now, you were good then, it was never your fault and never will be, some people were not meant to be parents
@@mossyteef true fuck parents if you guys parents touch u physically walk away from them
Sounds too familiar
o c all of those mind games they do is phsychological abuse. It’s effed up. My mom would do that to me. It would make me all nervous and stumble over my words, switch up what I need to say just to avoid upsetting her. Ridiculous.
They sound like possible covert narcissists. Look it up and educate yourself but never let them know or they will make your life worse for it until you can go no contact.
Well I got hit by my parents many times when I was young, sometimes I still got hit. They did it because that’s the way their parents teach them, and now what got out of me? I disrespect them, I always wanted to go study in America far away from Germany so my parents can’t take control take over me
Wow.. I can relate to this so much, especially about you wanting to move to America to be away from them. I relate because that is my story.. I'm from India and fucked off from there 3 years ago and I live in America now.. far far away from my abusive parents.
I spent my whole teenage years thinking about the day I would be old enough to leave and never come back. I also wanted to move to another country to be as far away from them as I possibly could. Only the thought of they living close enough to visit often would make me feel caged and suffocated.
So kids have to get hurt for being new to the world and not being educated on something and get pain because they dont know that what there doing is wrong? What a sin
In Norway, it is extreeemely looked down on to hit your children. Almost nobody does it, and it's seen as abuse. And we have much lower crime rates than the US. I am not saying this alone is the reason for the low crime rates, but I am merely saying that clearly children who are NOT hit turn out good :)! I agree with this video so much, Mayim. Consistency and following through is the most important, I believe.
Mike Pence that's a very stereotypical statement
Yes, because your child trafficking Barnevernet would take your children away, forever separate them from any family members and even themselves if you even dare to look at a child in a wrong way. That is called fucked up to the core...
Warrior Lovato Something isn't stereotypical if it's true. Norway DOES have a much smaller population than American meaning of course the crime rates will be lower. And most of Norways population *is* white.
Don't confuse facts with stereotypes.
Mike Pence, that is an utterly racist thing to say.
Wow Norway is heaven. Everyone traumatizes their children in Poland. I have mental health issues and I feel like I shouldn't be alive. I was scared of my parents and bullied by classmates. Would be nice if at least my parents had been ok. I'm 28 and I could never had any relationship or friendship with anyone, I'm sooo lonely. Because I was hit as a child, I grew up believing I was hated.
My mother defends hitting me by saying "oh when I was a child, my father kicked me in the back of my head. This is nothing compared to what I sent through" 🙄
So dumb. This isn't the Abuse Olympics
Hobostarr180 no it’s discipline america needs to understand that hitting and abuse r different
@@skylathomasmithchell2804 chile.... was this recommended to u???
Sorry that happened to you. People shouldn’t hit people and adults definitely should not hit children. 😕
Should've said "Cool, want a cookie? It's still abuse."
Mayim (anti-hitting kids): Neuroscientist, 150-163 IQ
Billy-bob-joe (pro-hitting-kids): Works at Walmart, 90 IQ
Hmm I wonder who has a better argument..?
a bit of a shortsighted comments to suggest somehow a high IQ automatically makes anyone an expert on every topic. It doesn't and contrary to your comment working at Walmart doesn't mean someone isn't intelligent. A silly and somewhat elitist argument
@@gemelwalters2942💀
@@gemelwalters2942 🤓👆
u can be against hitting kids without being classist
Idk why Parents spanking is way for a child is good. They didn't know they're actually scaring them not disciplining them.
One of the results of hitting children is that children develop anxiety for life.
Karen Nast YEP
Karen Nast
Yeppers
SarahBev Agree!
Totally agree! I'm proof. Probably not the only source (childhood bullying is another culprit), but still a distinct hindrance in my relationship with my parents and with conflict in general.
Lee Phelps Me too. Childhood bullying + being hit by parents as a kid led to anxiety.
Having grown up with frequent spankings in my own childhood, I grew up resenting my parents rather than respecting them and when I became a teenager and that respect wasn't there and they could no longer spank, I turned into a teenage terror. I do not want to see that happen with my own and try very hard not to swat or spank. It is hard to break that cycle but I push on and try my best to do better next time and I have. Thanks for the great video Mayim.
Mayim is a rebellious child!
Van Allen some kids time out just fuels the fire like adding gasoline to a open flame and in some cases it’s best to leave the penal system as last resort
yea
Sarah IntheLIGHT I got hit frequently as a child if I did anything wrong. I was bloody terrified of my father and now I just don’t talk to him. It just made me have a harder life in the long run. I have anxiety and I stammer on every other word. So I wouldn’t recommend it as a method if you want to have happy healthy kids.
I believe that once you start hitting children as a means of discipline, you have lost the plot. When I did something wrong (when I was a child) my mother simply sat me down and explained how my behaviour has consequences..... I generally understood and did not repeat the bad behaviour. I know this is only my experience but I will be doing the same with my children.
Let's Do Better Now thank you for sharing! That's the way it should be :)
Let's Do Better Now could not agree with you more!
Same worked for me. Being hit resulted into nothing but fear and anxiety.
my mom gave me "the look" and I knew that if I didn't behave SHIT WAS GOING DOOOOOWWWNNN. but verbally, she would just go on and on talking about the think that I was doing wrong so... she bored me to death and that shit still haunts me... "the look"
LOL YES the look definitely worked on me as well but there was never any threat of violence behind the look just real consequences (removal of play-station or TV i.e Life ending consequences for a teen lol)
This is why I found your channel in the first place. This level of parenting. I've recently discussed hitting with my grandma and she defended it saying, "Sometimes it just takes a little swat on the bottom," as if that justifies causing harm. I tried to explain that hitting only causes fear and retraction, not respect. She refused to see my side of it, even though it's backed by research and I was simply relaying information. On the plus side, I finally talked with my mom and got an apology and explanations for how I was 'raised' and how poorly she treated me. Thank you, Mayim, for the great advice. I look forward to using this with my toddler!
HA
wish my parents would listen to you.
but they wouldn't
they're in too deep in their mental problems and too self centered to care enough about how we feel- yet demand a good relationship after years of fear discipline.
Surely you'd think them mad, but honestly they're just imitating their own parents.
I'll stop this cycle.
I'll heed your words, and so to never ever let this happened again in *my* family
I will never hit, I will work my absolute damn best to never let myself lose to impatience.
I never want my kids to ever feel as helpless and useless and alone as I did.
MonCherryHead so sorry for you..
U and me both. Some people are not eligible to have kids
MonCherryHead My father was raised with a belt and I'm sure he would have done the same to me if my mom hadn't been opposed to hitting children, he still hit me a few times and yelled quite a lot though. I was a very sensitive child so I took being yelled at very hard, it scared me and made me cry, and to my dad crying warranted even more yelling apparently, which is probably why I have a hard time expressing myself emotionally (according to phycologists yelling at kids for crying teaches them not to express themselves and that their feelings don't matter). To this day I completely shut down when people start yelling and then my dad starts yelling at me even more for "ignoring" him. Though if a person can't say something without screaming then I don't see why I should listen even if I could.
I totally get what you mean, especially about demanding a good relationship after years of discipline. I'm 19 and sometimes I wonder what horrible land my dad came from. I understand that he's been in a compromised position for about a decade now and I know that it's taken a toll on him. But he's been reduced to something painful, and it's only his failing strength that's made him stop beating his children so much. I wasn't as rebellious as most of my siblings, but had a fear people and great insecurity because he was verbally abusive for the most part to my brother and me, to compensate. He could be so cruel and insensitive sometimes, always demanding respect, and he always refused to try something new. And I've just recently been able to admit to myself that I had been storing my anger at him for years, and taking it out on myself on top of everything. Sigh
we want more of you in this world :)
I did spank my kids occasionally when I thought it was necessary. My kids are grown now. If I had it to do over I would not spank. I don't think it worked or accomplished anything.
Welcome To Jelena World thank you for being honest
I realize this response is eight moths late but I too appreciate the honesty. In all fairness you specified "when I thought it necessary." so I think you weren't a bad parent. I was hit a bit (too often not deserved) when I was younger but when I was hit for doing something wrong I didn't repeat that behavior again. I avoided it like the plague so in hindsight it worked for me. Now that I'm grown and on my own I appreciate the discipline my parents tried to install - most of it stuck - however, I use my brain more than my parents used the hand w/ my own children. After reading a few of these comments by others I see how rare resilience is.
My younger half-brother and I were raised by our mother -- she and more than one of her boyfriends physically abused us with belts, wooden spoons and paddles, and their hands. I learned to avoid punishment by behaving as well as I could. My brother did not; he rebelled against their rules and prohibitions by doing whatever it was *more*. I [already dealing with Asperger's, ADD, & other mental illnesses], ended up being painfully shy, and my brother [also dealing with ADD, and a learning disability] ended up being suspended from school, then sent to a special school for "problem" kids, sent to live with other relatives, expelled from school, and finally sent to jail after he and a similarly-treated cousin broke into a business and my brother was shot in the foot by the owner. Since then I've been soberly dealing with PTSD from the physical and sexual abuse I suffered, and he has been in and out of jail for various crimes and at intervals addicted to drugs and alcohol. We had virtually the same treatment as young children -- spanking did not "cure" his bad behavior, and all it did for me is make me scared of everyone. He now spanks his own children, and I feel bad for even raising my voice at them.
Oh wow I'm very sorry for you and your brother :( my younger sister and I were spanked too. I too became shy and afraid of people, having to deal with anxiety issues a lot (I'm now 20 years old and slowly getting better since I moved out) and she rebels in any way possible, never following rules. I went through depression in my teenage years and she now is in treatment for depression too. It was not as extreme as in your case, especially because neither of us has ADD or Asperger's etc, but I still can relate very well to your situation. I wish you and your family all the best!
+rebelfor love_ Thank you.
When people *constantly hit* children, it *affects* the kids self esteem.
How doe? That varies from person and is a mental thing. Unless you're literally abused (physically) it's a you problem.
@@king_kappa5263 I *know* from experience the long term effects of constantly hitting children. It is *child ABUSE.*
@@msmith1418 Kinda proved my point because I've been spanked and beat and dont have self esteem issues. Idc what others think and I know what I'm worth, you are putting personal affairs into the argument. Unless you are truly abused physically it's a you problem and alot of America can relate because mental health is a issue rn.
@@king_kappa5263 Some people are strong minded. But if you have a child who is fragile, this would put them over the edge.
@@msmith1418 Never put over the edge myself my guy, and I was a sensitive boy 🤷♂️. Idk what to say just dont blame a form of punishment for a bad childhood, because honestly it's normal to get physically punished and is much better than what it was way before we were born. I mean why do you think you'll sometimes see on the internet or in person a spoiled kid who screams because he never got what they wanted? It's due to a lack of punishment therefore lack of understanding. Not all children have to be hit some are inherently good I was alright so i deserved whatever i got and dont look back and cry about it. Idk what you personally experienced but alot of the snowflakes in the comments simply got spanked like two times. I've grown to almost becoming what I'd say is a real man, not rock hard (pause), not a snowflake, but a fair balance with some perspective.
I only talk about my experiences to say not all fragile children are broken from it, because I was one although I was punished fairly.
Words can be just as damaging as physical punishment.
But the topic here is physical punishment.
Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can break my heart.
NoNee #facts especially if you have a commanding tone.
they cant,if the kid doesnt listen.
Vulgar/ threatening words and uncontrolled/continuously-physical punishment have similar/same effect on a child's psychological health. The only way is to continue to seek knowledge of correct parenting. Being a parent doesn't make you all-knowing in parenting. Seek professional advice if you're unable to understand the behavior of your child. 😊
Reading all these comments brought back a lot of bad memories…
But yeah I completely agree with you, why would you hurt someone you love?
I think you’re doing it right. 👍🏻
This is why parents should be forced to take courses in educational science and social work before becoming parents.
Edit: Before any of you wannabe Kindergarten teachers tries to educate anyone here, read some stuff about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Rogers' concept of personality or Freuds psychoanalysis. One does not need to have children in order to work with or understand/analyze them.
Lol. Because science knows exactly how to raise perfect children.lol.
snowwhitewitch yea because those of us who are able to parent should be forced to sit through and pay for shit like that 🙄 those classes would probably be taught by people who haven’t raised kids. Classes won’t stop stupid people or assholes from breeding. They’ll just take the class and do what they want to do anyways.
Snowww You're being facetious, aren't you?
What if it isn't a planned pregnancy?
They should be required to pass a test before reproducing
"I was beaten as a kid and i turned out fine"
same person: Flinches when someone raises their hands
abuse and discipline are too different things.
My father was a menace as a child and he would laugh if other children said that they got shouted at, only ass whoopings worked and it made him a golden child who respected his mother.
He would break car windows with his friends, you don't talk to your child about, that's ass whooping time.
@@CristanioPeweyyy they still better ways but if you beat children when you start using tools like hangers and leave scars on them or marks then you are going to far if
You could make
Not all. I have a friend who was physically abused that eventually became a boxer. Maybe he figure that if he was going to get beaten up, might as well make money out of it.
@@ef8725 yeah, abuse
@@blizzard1198 it’s always abuse
My dad used to hit me as a child. I was terrified. My mum would often step in between me and my dad to shield me, and that would usually stop him. It wasn't, like, horrible, I mean he never once went further than a slap or two. Anyway, once I got a little older, the slaps never stopped me once. I got sassy. I used to tell my dad "What are you gonna do? Hit me? That's not gonna stop me" and it didn't. Dad still slapped me but I took the slap and I kept doing my thing. Since he couldn't talk me into not behaving badly, he was rendered powerless. If a 7yr old kid can render a grown man powerless by getting used to a slap or two, then that's the sign that hitting a kid is not the proper way to discipline him or her.
I used to do the exact same when my mother hit me. It hurt a lot when she did, but all it was was a hit and I'd taken them before. I'd taunt her and such, and she might grab me by my hair or something, but it never stopped me.
I DID THE SAME. It's so sad how so many of us used the same coping mechanisms. I can't tell you how many times I said "I don't care" as a young child lol. We see that they hit because their emotions are out of control. If we then control ours, they look like the child in the situation. It's taking the only control you have.
+SaarahBev Yes!! I used to ALWAYS say "I don't care" and it would cause endless lectures from family members on why I shouldn't say that and be so dismissive. And that is exactly what would happen!
You're lucky that your mother even did anything. Good for her, some of us weren't so lucky.
Same.. I couldn't care less about getting hit. I was an awful child because I was hit. It hurt but you get used to it because it will happen again and so you might as well have the upper hand about it. I would actually wear them out by kicking and screaming in my room when they would spank me and put me in my room. i kicked the wall and screamed for hours while they would periodically come in and spank me lol. It didn't stop until they would pretty much let me watch TV or let me do stuff. It also made them think twice before embarking on that kind of a commitment to make me scream and kick the walls for hours on end. :D
I believe that when you hit a child you're teaching them to avoid being hit, not that the behavior in itself is wrong. They'll only understand that doing it in front of you is dangerous.
I was never caught sneaking out of the house at night, because I never sneaked out of the house at night, because although I didn't tell my mom everything about my life, I never felt need to deceive her. I didn't and don't perceive her a as source of danger but of protection. She never had to scare me into being obedient and not do bad things, If it was clear that I understood they were bad, then I on my own would avoid them. If I am on my own choosing not to smoke, there is no need to monitor me, there is no risk or paranoia that as soon as am at a friends house or out at school I'll do it, because she can trust that her daughter knows the dangers of cigarettes, believes it's wrong to smoke, and more likely than not will not do it. And if her daughter does smoke, she won't deceive her. She can be confident that she has raised a daughter that can make smart decisions rather than one that is good at hiding bad ones.
Like wise, for the most part I never skipped class except for a few times on my last year, and she knew each time.
I like this, it makes a lot of sense. My kids are like you, because they are not scared of me.
Bobglob I
Yeah. I was disciplined, but not for like everything. If I hit my mom I would be disciplined, if I broke something I would be disciplined. If I had to stay in my room and I got out I would be disciplined after two warnings. I'm not scared of my mom and I will probably never be. Just because she disciplined me doesn't mean she doesn't like me. She always shows that she cares about me and now I don't make stupid decisions, not for fear of being spanked, but because after you get spanked for a time, you start understanding why, and figuring out why you should care.
Bobglob I'm speechless. You read my mind. I can't believe we are a minority.
When I was growing up my father would corner me and when I couldn't walk (or run) more he would slap me. So (btw I'm a teenager) my father tries to be loving or kind to me and I understand why, but when he comes near me I fastly move away without thinking, when he tries to hug me or anything I move away instinctly.
My parents didn't hit me in fear of the law, so instead they mentally abused me. To this day I still hyperventilate when someone yells at me.
you got a bad prents
I also remember that one my parents took me to the doctor and my mom said that I didn’t want to take my medicines and the doctor told her “well, maybe you should try the belt” THE DOCTOR, I mean, it’s crazy how normal it is to abuse your kids in latinos culture, that’s one of the things that I hate the most about my culture.
One of my cousins it’s just 2 years old and her dad already hits her with a belt SHE’S FREAKING JUST TWO YEAR OLD
Your cousin belts his two year old??? That is illegal and you need to report this to the police immediately. Do not be someone who witnesses horrific abuse and does nothing about it. Please fucking do something. I feel sick just hearing that. That is not normal or okay whatsoever. Im sorry but your cousin is a monster.
@@sophiagrace6361 Sadly this too normalized in my country and I won’t be able to do anything. Police would laugh at me if I even try to report this. Basically if you are against this you’re consider a bad parent who spoiled their child. In a hispanic household is very normal to be beaten as a child, physical abuse from parents to their children is not taken seriously at all. I mean, when I tell my parents that when I have kids I will never hit them to educate them they laugh and make fun of me.
@@sophiagrace6361 When I’m around her I defend her and stop her parents to hit her but it’s so frustrating, I wish I could do more.
@@jazminbecker1467 For real??? I find that so hard to believe that the police wouldn’t do anything because it is still illegal isn’t it? I’m shocked to hear that. Is is a cultural thing or is it just corrupt police? I’m sorry to come off strong it’s just I feel sick hearing that your cousin beats his 2 year old. Where I’m from your cousin would be locked in jail and it would be on the news...
@@sophiagrace6361 It’s both a cultural thing and corrupt police (but definitely more a cultural thing) It’s super normal go to school with bruises, hearing things like “Oh my mom/dad just hit me with a cord/belt/shoe/spoon” and they just laugh about it, like even the victims don’t realize that that’s abuse and actually are grateful that they were raised like that, it’s so fucked up.
I was spanked as a child. It taught me I needed to learn to be good at knowing how to lie.
Same lol
well hitting is abusing even slapped
you mean knowing how to not lie
No, you weren't 'spanked' you were physically abused
@@titusgbongon8838 no, they mean knowing how to lie.
So many feelings about this as I am Jamaican and our souciety firmly believes in whooping kids when they misbehave. I am sensitive and I yes I got my ass whooped even for stuff I didnt do; it thought me to be afraid and contributed to a lot of the issues I have today. I am going to address the race context of this practice, we as Black people use hitting as discipline, is it an inheritance of enslavement? In some context I believe so, but it also highlights a level of impatience and ignorance among our people. It is only in recent decades that hitting kids has become an issue but that is restricted to the school environment. With all that being said, I am not a Mom yet, I only have 2 dogs who are helping me to understand that hitting and aggression only increases anxiety and decreases trust so I am learning to let go off the hitting method with which I was raised and practive love and patience and it made a lot of difference. Thank you Mayim, your vid just opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. #lifelessons
Lots of people would learn about raising a child by taking a good class in positive dog training. It's humane and it's backed by science!
My parents are Italian immigrants. Hitting was also common in that culture. It was also common for a man to smack his wife if she upset him. I don't know the origin of that type of thing in Italian culture but I think it has a lot to do with it being a male-dominated patriarchal society that valued the "strong" man who kept everyone in line with force. Noisy kids and talkative wives were a sign that a man couldn't control his family. Thankfully this has been changing with my generation and the one after mine. I don't think hitting accomplishes anything at all.
I'm jamiroquai too...my mom beat me with a bobsled...it was not cool runnings in our home..I had a sister too but my pops hit her with a hoe once...she called in jeopardy line too much and it cost 4$ a call...before she could say ding...what is Tuti fruiti? She got hit in the neck with a hoe...which was kind considering he had this bladed garden tool thing he wore on his shoe....ire.....
KamisKisses I'm from Romania and I'm fucking 19 years old and a girl and my dad smacked me across the face like, hmm, five-six months ago (I was 18 back then). I can't say I was beaten as a child, though. Maybe got smacked across the face 5-10 times in my life (only by my father). But yeah, here it's pretty normal to get whooped by your parents even if you're basically an adult, let alone a child.
I'm black and NEVER believed in hitting children. It's sick.
Important reminder:
Many times parents will tell a child to do something they haven't been taught how to accomplish.
Think about it.
How many times did your parents tell you , "focus on your ..."; "Concentrate on what's ..."; "Stop whining..."; "Go clean your..."; ...
Probably a lot.
But, how many times did they teach you how to concentrate? Or, teach you how not to do something when you were already upset? Did they ever make a list on what chores they expected when asked to clean your room? Did they ever show you how to do those chores?
Often times parents tell their children to do things that they've never been taught to do, then, become upset with them for not knowing. It is not only our job to regulate childrens behavior, but, is equally our responsibility to teach them how to do the things we ask them.
Lastly, As our society continues to encourage the importance of independence and, becomes less dependent on the family unit or, when we choose (which I am so not knocking) to be "strong and independent" many times we have not learned how to become comfortable asking for help when it very well might be needed. In my personal experience, asking for help seems to be a challenge for quite a few of my close friends - - it's almost as if it has become equated with ego or, weakness in some cases. Which, made me think, "I wonder if anyone's ever taught them how to ask for help?"... So anywho, that's just my two cents. Cha ching'
I really enjoyed the delivery on your message. Awesome job woman! Thank you for your care and, your time.
Please take good care.
They didn't have books in Old Testament times. They had scrolls. Those scrolls were called sticks or rods. "Spare the rod, spoil the child, " means spare the teaching, spoil the child. In other words, educate your kids, don't hit 'em! Also, some things referred to adult offspring, not very young children.
Excellent point you make. I have never thought of this. Made me think and rethink. Thank you.
A rod was also a measuring device. But some kids won't listen to you unless they are swatted on their backsides.
Moontrucker did you even watch the video or did you just miss the point entirely?
This is the video I have been looking for. God bless you. This is one of the best videos I have ever seen. Thank you. I am against hitting children or anyone. I am glad I found someone who could explain how I felt in rational and proven points.
My father would hit me as a child and having autism I had a different reaction. It actually had the opposite effect where I missed behaved even more.
Please just teach everybody everything. Your videos are so lovely, and you are such an incredibly generous person with your time, energy, and intellect.
Thank you so much, I wish more people understood why hitting kids is bad.
Eireann tyler-paris where i live it is illegal but kids need more laws to protect them their abusive parents.
You’d think more people would know that since society is so against adults hitting adults I mean men hitting women....
I love this woman, she is so right and I can relate so much. 😢
I don't believe in hitting kids. My coworker is ignorant enough to believe that hitting is the only way a child becomes "good". So stupid. 😒 I remember two times in my life when I was young that my mother slapped me right across the face. To this day, the memory stings. It is so demeaning, and doesn't make you love your parents even more. Fear produces hatred, not love.
Good for you, Mayim, for disciplining your children from a place of compassion. xx
I was spanked as a child. It put the fear in me not to do those things again. So no I dont think anything is wrong w a spanking. Sometimes it went alil to faras to s beating w a cord or wire hanger stick. But all in all I never needed a hospital for them.
32000timt you fear your parents. You shouldn’t fear the people your suppose to love
32000timt living in fear is not living.
32000timt you got it easy i get hit with a belt
my man hates his parents for a fucking slap.
Pussy, i used to get beaten with the belt daily and here i am, love my parents and they treat me well because i have grown up and become a man and realise whats good and whats bad.
I've been hit by my mom so bad when I was a child till High school so I promised to myself that would never hit my child ever.
Ps. I don't have a good relationship with my mom and don't even trust her with my son.
Good for you. I made the same promise to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I fell short a few times in raising my son, but those few times when I was not able to control my temper, I always apologized and explained that it was my failing, not his, that he had done nothing to deserve my anger.
Right? Ever since I was a teen I knew that I wouldn’t be able able to forgive myself if I ever hit my own children. Because there’s honestly no excuse to do so. I don’t even want my dad to be a part of my life bc of how he made me feel when I was growing up.
Son: Do I have a grandma?
Mom: Let me tell you a story when mommy was little
same I never liked my parents, they would threaten me and my sister who has a brain disability
W
It’s so amazing to see how my son listen and learn if I just stop and talk to him. Hitting doesn’t work and the look in his eyes when I even treat to do it was the worst one. Yes, my parents did hit me and I thought it was fine. Not anymore! Love, talk and respect his time and mine os working so much better. GREAT VIDEO!
when i was little my mom used to hit me whenever i was complaining about something or when i cry. When i was in 4th grade my English teacher thought that i was cheating an exam. I explained to her that i wasn't. My books were under the table and they were about to fall so i fixed them quickly and this reflex made my teacher belive i was cheating. After that, my teacher came to me and search all over the books and things underneath, i was confident because i knew there were no books relative to the English exam. She found a paper in which i wrote the meanings of English words which she made us write to memory the previous lesson.1 class before.She called the principle and my mother.I couldn't say anything about it to my mother even if i tried so many times.She hit me and i can still remember the tears rolling down my face.She believed my teacher.She made me say i cheated and made me apologized to my teacher and class next day .İ did. İ still have trust issues and low self-love because of that day. The idea that nobody -even my mother- believe in me is harsh. Now I'm 22 studying in collage.İ have decent relations with my mom and she still believes i cheated. Sad.
I went through this shit my whole childhood from both parents, the beatings, feeling like no one believed or listened to me, the insults and psychological, abuse the extreme obsession with school. I’m 23 and don’t talk to either of them. I’m still struggling with severe anxiety, issues when it comes to my personal relationships. Parents are often just dumb people who feel more mature and therefore entitled to behave like gods when they pop out a child.
she still believes you cheated on a test in elementary school after all these years? damn
Fuck that teachet
@@natasha850 im so sorry to hear that story, im sure you are strong enough to get over all of your stress and became a beautiful person. Show the world you are worth it, it feels very good :) take good care of yourself .My instagram is busedmrl1212 , you can text me whenever you feel stuck, we can be instagram pen friends 😂
@@doubleAAbatteries689 yes, we never talk about it.
My mother physically and emotionally abused my siblings and I until I was 15, when I made social services put me into foster care. What she did to us has already had a massive effect on my life, both emotional and physical. Social services, neighbours my school all failed us, and now we are the ones living with the consequences. I have anxiety, ptsd, depression, insomnia and a possible mood disorder from my treatment as a child, and although I know the level of what I went through as a kid I know that others could be effected the same was as I am. Thank you so, so much for speaking about this
I am 24 and was hit as a child and I definitely WILL NOT be doing the same with my kids.
Adults, stop hitting children and calling it discipline. When you hit your children you are punishing them and expecting them to obey you after you've punished them. Discipline is the consistent practice of actions or behaviour. Being a bodybuilder is a discipline, learning to play guitar is a discipline, being an actor is a discipline, being a doctor is a discipline. Discipline doesn't come from the outside, only from the inside.
Mabusha Masekela With self discipline yes. But children don’t have that and so parents are there to discipline them. Training and teaching them the rules and codes of conduct for the situations they will experience in life. Teachers also do this when they reach an age to go to school. Discipline from an outside spice doesn’t have to be negative. IMO
@Hamza Raza firstly you are a twat. secondly i am from England and plenty of backward parents, who are too stupid to know basic psychology hit their children here. As for your Einstein comment only ignorant (as in dumb) people hit children. people who have common sense know that hitting a child does not make them obedient it makes them scared of you and what kind of person WANTS their child to be scared of them. Also how does hitting children teach them to not commit crimes like assault, you are showing them assault is except-able. i am the only one in my family who did not get hit as a child and i am the most well adjusted of all my siblings, i do not commit crimes or discriminate and i respect authority why because i know that rules make a better society not because i am scared of authority.
@Chelsea Aldc if its that bad you should talk to someone, maybe a teacher, if they don't help tell someone else, no-one has a right to do that to you.
@Chelsea Aldc I'll pray for you, please try and surround yourself with as many friends that might be able prevent you from the cold wrath of your mother, (if possible). You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers dear one
@Chelsea Aldc I'd also encourage you to pray for your mother, as I'll be praying for her also, for we're truly not in a battle with flesh and blood, it's far deeper than that, I'd say your mother is facing a spiritual battle herself and just needs help. Prayers work, I'm like a living testimony of how prayers truly do work.
I think it's terrifying that people even think abuse is an opion. I am swedish, i work in socialservice and often meet children that have been hit by a patent. Here in sweden its against the law to use violence and it sickens me when i here people in america (the so-called "greatest country") talk about child-abuse as an opion in raising children
(Sorry for the bad english)
Susanna, if you read through comments on other videos of native English speakers, you would be shocked. You're English was very good! You must be very intelligent to be able to speak two languages!
stop using the sweden idea to brainwash anyone. don't be like america, people have rights to choose or to research.
@Hamza Raza oh wow....bastard children...you are obviously some looser troll, sorry i wasted my time writing that other message to you i thought you were an abusive parent but you are obviously a troll trying to get attention so...ignore my other message and just grow up.
Sweetie we do spank kids in Mexico as well and guess what kids grow up fine!!!
@@ruthrodriguez5173 as you should
As a 19 year old who was spanked, let me just say that it made me lose all respect for my parents. Well, my father mostly. I don't think it's normal to think your parents are idiots from the age of 8. That's usually early teen behaviour, haha! But in all seriousness, I knew they hit me because they didn't know what else to do. But I was still a young child, and my behaviour was largely based on mental health issues that were out of my control. But in hindsight, instead of trying to understand why I was on the floor crying about a minor change in plans, they just hit me. Never mind the mental anguish (does it count as abuse?) from my father about it all. MOCKING me crying. But, he was spanked as a child and felt neglected by his own father. My mother was not hit, but her siblings were. That's what they knew. Myself, I'm trying to be better. I don't have kids yet, I won't probably for a while (becoming a midwife first is most important) I want to have all the tools and resources I can before having children. I know nothing beats real life experience, but if I know of other things to try I believe I'll have way better chances to not abuse my children.
so powerful. sending you a huge hug. thank you for this.
It sounds like you were 'disciplined' by immature parents who used physical discipline incorrectly; not that physical discipline is bad. If physical was their 'go to' form of discipline then they had no idea what they were doing. Plus the mocking, etc. Not using physical discipline ever(it should be extremely rare anyway) can also be a form of abuse if they are a type of child that does require it and grow up spoiled due to lack of correctly applied disciplinary tactics.. Some kids don't need it, but most do once or twice.
mocking a child when they're crying isn't doing any harm, it stops my baby brother from whining about nothing.
Depends, but I generally agree. Dad's seem to be very good at this and pulling kids out of crying.
I actually got nauseated at reading these answers. Some children "needs it" and some don't? This is disturbing af. If physical abuse was necessary to raise a child, every child who wouldn't have been abused would be turning bad. That's not the case. I've never heard of an teen or adult saying he has mental issues because he never got spank as a child. I did though the other way around. What kind of parent is ready to put his child's mental health at stake because he doesn't know better than loosing it and spanking?
Can't even hit your dog. That's a good thing! There's no need to hit dogs either!
When they are bad enough yes it's neccessary
@@bandit4693 no point in preaching to softies
@@king_kappa5263 good point
What so your dog can fear you and hate you? Fear can turn into aggression and then one day your dog will one day bite you?
@@AwesomeYena Nigga I've never had a dog of mine bite me. Ur telling me that if I treat my dog right and she does something very bad, (like chew some shoes idk) I dont have the right to pop her on the butt and send her to the cage for a while? Bro it's only when abused do they do that, must hit your dog too hard lol.
I wasn't hit as a child, but the way I was disciplined wasn't the greatest either, I have intense trust issues and seek constant validation from others because I didn't get it growing up, I was terrified of my dad, he didn't hit me, but I sometimes wish he would have, because mental abuse sucks.
I'm not saying it's worse, but I suffer with severe depression and anxiety, I hate everything about myself and I can't trust anybody.
I still live with my parents, and even to this day, hurtful things are said to me, but if I get upset... I'm told to grow up, or get a grip.
I think there should be a clearer line between discipline and emotional abuse
Kittsreview xo same...
I'm very sorry to hear this and I know exactly what you're talking about. Emotional abuse is terrible and I've been through serious depression and anxiety issues as a result as well as very low self-esteem and constant underachievement. The work is still not done but I've healed a lot. If you don't know non-violent communication I very much recommend you look it up. Search for Marshall Rosenberg. It helps tremendously to develop our relationship to ourselves and to others. (The two are interrelated anyway.) You might also benefit a lot from therapy, if you're not already visiting a professional. I wish you all the best and remember that it can be and will be better, even if at the moment it seems overwhelming and hopeless. You are resilient and capable. If it's getting too much, reach out. X
Kittsreview xo check out resources like Tony Robbins and other personal development leaders. Don't let your father's mistreatment of you determine your destiny. YOU decide ultimately.
Your story sucks, it makes me think from this video what is really worse for kids, having the train taken away for 3 days and non stop crying, prolonging and exacerbating the situation, or would it be kinder to smack the child, let them know in uncertain terms they have behaved badly, punishment over and done with quicker, child now knows where it stands, and they can then move on. Which is the more humane?
Kittsreview xo
Excellent video! Hitting children is traumatizing and parents has to STOP it now!
Couldn't agree more. Hitting kids traumatises them enormously. Also hitting kids can be a front for abuse, it was for me. I was told I was being 'disciplined' or 'punished', it was only years later as an adult I realised I was being abused.
Ps really great to be hearing your voice again!
I hope natural selection takes care of your pathetic self
I think I’m a bit late to the party here but I agree. When I was younger I’d have slap marks on my bum on my face I have scars on my face and hands where my mum caught me with her ring (really really hurt that) now me and my mum have no relationship I have mental health issues because of her hitting me. Hitting kids can really be damaging and some parents can take it “too far” like my mum did. She strangled me until I couldn’t breathe. I was only 12 but since then I’ve been messed up mentally. I’ve developed BPD and I have a hard time knowing who I am and who I can definitively trust. So I’m glad you made this video makes me restore faith in other parents. Knowing they won’t do what happened to me to their kids. Subscribed.
What's BPD?
Brenda's Vlogs 2.0 borderline personality disorder
@@ultimatekunochi6577 thanks
I agree with you. I was hit and spanked by parents. Now have difficult relationship with parents and family.
Why should I love people who hurt and discourage me all the time?
Do I know what love is or what it isn't ?
Melody Mcewen Yeah I agree. The same happened with me as well. After my parents spanked me, told me what I did wrong and hugged me, I had this WTF feeling like “Is this what love is?”
Later on I began to evade my parents a bit more and lie to them sometimes when I’m in tough situations with them because I’m scared if I say the wrong thing, even if its the truth, I might be spanked again. At least someone out there sees what I see. :’)
Melody Mcewen maybe if they had hit you more and harder you wouldn't be a useless whiny whale.
1918 - 3202 I’m not sure about Melody but I was the type of child who wanted to make both my parents happy, but I did not know that making mistakes that didn’t seem serious to me at that time would allow the people I care about to hurt me. I threw tantrums sometimes because they hit me. I still remember to this day why they didn’t just skip the spankings and just tell me what I did wrong so I could learn from my mistakes in a positive way.
Danny D. Shut up you satanic demon
I'm a teenager and i've never really considered this kind of parenting. I mean, i always thought i would spank my children , not hard and not for just anything but i figured that was a part of raising a child as i was spanked as a child and like to think i turned out pretty well. This video was actually really eye opening. I hope i remember this when i become a mother. Btw you are realllly inspiring ty!
I love this! Instead of clinging to your preconceptions, you listened to the video with an open mind and had the courage to question yourself once you had new information. Most people don't have the ability to do this, because they're too invested in being "right". Many of the older adults here could take a lesson from you. :)
Jen Kara Stone Thank you, i try to stay as open as possible especially on a subject like parenting, something i have no experience of.
I agree with Jen Kara Stone.
It is wonderful to see such a good example of a human being tbh. It is so rare for people to have such an open mind and question themselves based on new information they are given.
There are indeed many people who could take a lesson from you.
SmilyLily1996 That is so sweet, thank you!
My mother had the habit of lining all of us in up in the same room. Then we heard "If the person that did this didn't admit to it, I'm going to beat you all". Being the "baby" of the family and "a mistake that she didn't want"(as she told me) I only had a relationship with my 2nd sister(also unwanted). So as time passed without the guilty party fessing up(and mom getting angrier), my sister would begin to get upset. So in an effort to protect the only family member I cared about, I would take the beating. And mom's beating were to exhaustion. This led to the realization of how stupid I was as a kid. Not only did the guilty party pretty much know what was going to happen if he kept quiet, but I think the others actually believed I had done the deed. I did finally end them...I took it all until mom finally stopped, waited silently a bit, then started laughing at her. She got a very strange look on her face, then never beat me again... oh, and yes, I will admit to not going to her viewing, funeral, or grave.
This is really true when I was a kid my parent would beat the crap out of me for the smallest things. Once I smashed a cup after my parents told me to hold it would 2 hands and they made me stand on the smashed cup for 3 minutes. I have been terrified when it comes to cups and always hold them carefully. My dad was also a bodybuilder so it was impossible to fight back because that would just result in me getting more hurt. He also broke 3 sturdy wooden spoons over my back. My dad is black and my mom is asian and in these 2 cultures its okay to hit you children and there is nothing to protect your children. The only benefit is that I have an extremely high pain tolerance from all the things I went through and I am a good liar because I never wanted to get into trouble but I would never think of doing anything like that to my children.
That’s abuse not discipline so spanking is not abuse
@@skylathomasmithchell2804 spanking is abuse lmao, did you even watch the video?
Oof
I really hope you'd consider talking to a psychology professional. This could have unimaginable effects on you. So sorry you had to went through all that.
It's abuse call police
As someone who was abused, thank you for this
The comments section could be a book
I can't believe how many parents are on here talking about how they need to physically discipline their kids and on the flip side how many kids are expressing trauma because of it. It makes me feel sick.
I wish my sister would listen to this. I’ve been telling her for years that spanking her son is not right. She began doing it when he was only a little over a year old. A child that age can’t even comprehend what they did wrong half of the time.
Sierra tell her "hey son don't hit other kids now I'm gonna hit u to show discipline cuz it's wrong to hit" flawless logic the child won't be confused at all (sarcasm)
This is a horrifying prospect but sometimes when a family member is that out of control you have to resort to threats. I don't know your sister but I was surprised how well that went for me in order to protect some kids in my family. You could threaten to call CPS for instance.
Lmao that is dumb to beat a one year old because he won't barely understand what is going on.
My dad was from a family of alcoholism,cigarette addicts, and physical assault. He's been brainwashed to the point into thinking that beating the shit outta me should work. At first when I was 7 to 11, it worked. I was scared beyond life of him. But now, it kinda depresses me and I don't really care about my life anymore. My mom always says it's my fault and that I shouldn't have provoked him, but HE PROVOKED ME. And if I get provoked (raising my voice or telling him to stop touching me), that must give him the right to beat me up. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 14, and have to live 4 more grueling years in this shithole with them. I can't anymore... please.
My Parents hit me. My Dad twice with a belt before I stopped doing or saying anything around him. In public my Mom would say: "No!" If I continued to make an issue out of something...she'd bend over, glare into my face and warn me "Wait until we get home." which meant I would be grounded, told I couldn't watch t.v., my bike would be out in the basement for a week, I couldn't play with friends...All hitting did was make me fear my Dad and never express myself around my Mom. Things changed in my teens. My Mom didn't hit. She threw things or would grab a broom to hit. She told me it hurt her hand to hit me. Later, as an adult she tried to hit but I would grab her hand and warn her..."You're not hitting me anymore. I'm not a kid! I'll hit you back now!" and although I never did that...I could have and it would have hurt me if I did. All hitting does to good kids is make us afraid of our parents who are suppose to love us. I never felt loved by my parents. I felt owned!
"Let's not use the Bible as our parenting guide for the 21st century" - Although I'm athiest, I agree so much with this for religious families. Hitting a child can impact their life hugely. Well said :)
The only person how never raised a hand to me is my personal idol. My grandfather.
anafilipamar I'm sorry
How???? Or who??? Im confused?!🤔
+Laborer Strong you can't figure out that typo? Why do people think a typo means someone can't spell or create an accurate sentence? It happens. Get over it.
I wish I could show my mom this and she would stop hitting and threatening me and she uses her religion and her being a mom as an excuse to do so
Oh, Hon. As a Bible believer, this makes me so sad. All these years, many church leaders have taught the people badly because they have not understood. I am so sorry.
Same I so sorry I can’t take it
Don't misbehave lol, you didn't learn from the first ass whooping??
@@rainaproske709 I was hit harshly as a child due to church teaching my parents received. It's really messed me up in a lot of ways. I don't think I ever will fully recover.