Complaints vs Criticisms in your Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 22 мар 2024
- • How to STOP Fighting i...
Criticism always hurts our connection and closeness together. Here's what to do if your partner is criticizing you.
#conflictresolution #marriageadvice #relationshipproblems
I always told my husband how things made me feel. He always dismissed me and told me my feelings were not reality. I never criticized him as an individual. I can't change him, but I can let go even if I love him. I don't need to stay in an abusive relationship.
Proud of you ❤️
You are absolutely right. It's hard, I know, but getting out is the best thing for you. I hope you can do so safely. Maybe have someone with you when you have to interact with him in the future if there is a chance things could escalate to violence. But I'm so, so happy for you that you can recognize what is happening and also recognize that you deserve better.
Have you brought up therapy? Would that wake him up? To take you seriously?
If that isn't going to work, you need to take care of yourself. You sound like you have a very healthy perspective. You deserve to be respected and not minimized. Just know, if he is clueless, and you let him know you are leaving, be careful. Make sure you have a plan where you are safe. That can be the most dangerous time if he freaks out. I advise you to talk to an abuse counselor and ask them about how to handle this and how to be safe.🙏♥️
...and you never toldhim any thing made you feel good. Everything was Bad. Everything.
Yes!!🎉🎉🥂💖 I wish you the best.
Pride often ruins relationships..there are people who are very hurt and even handling them gently like "bruised peaches" cannot save the relationship..they are too scared or stubborn to change, to listen, to communicate, and committ even to a genuine friendship.😢
So true: hurt people hurt people
Some people have bad character and some relationships need to end.
Everything I say that he doesn't like becomes an "accusation" of some sort. I end up backing down before it escalates. I end up going over and over in my head where I went wrong or what I should've said. It's so exhausting. We've been married so long, it feels like we're just waiting to see who dies first at this point.
same here.
Me too…idk how to fix it
Dear, maybe he is a ADHD? Is my case...😢 I love him so much, but is so so difficult life... ❤️🩹 (We need therapy...)
But he seriously is only nice if I'm mad and mean to him.
It took me YEARS to finally yell back. And I was shocked it worked because that's so not my nature. I would tell him behaviors that hurt me, but he wouldn't budge until I finally yelled back!
But as soon as I trust him again and am nice, he mistreats me again. That's the cycle.
It's seriously weird and I don't want to be in a marriage where I have to be mean to my spouse to get him to treat me with basic respect and decency.
It definitely wasn't this way when we were dating or engaged. The switch flipped right after marriage.
I feel the same. 🫤
So sorry this is happening, it sounds like your spouse is bringing out the worst in you, rather than you two helping each other learn and grow.
The first things that came to my mind were it sounds like the cycle of an abusive relationship (your spouse flipping the switch from good to bad immediately after marriage, not treating you well until you yell). Of course I don't know if you've yelled at people before in relationships before - aka a pattern that you have - or if you're literally at your wits end with him.
I'm wondering (but that's probably question more for yourself, not for me to want an answer), if you need to yell to be heard, how much is your spouse *really* listening to you?
I think everyone can change, just not everyone wants to do the work to change, so it may be worth to explore this as longterm what you're describing sounds pretty heartbreaking to me. Much love and strength!
Have you asked him why he changed from the nice guy he was when dating or in a relationship to someone who yells a lot? If there's something at work or outside of the relationship that's making him go off at you? That's probably a good discussion to have. I would just be like, "Hey, I have made observations that concern me when I look back at how our dynamics were at the beginning and before marriage vs after, I've noticed you tend to easily raise your voice more at me. Is there something that's happened to you that I don't know about?" And see what he's got to say. If he starts yelling automatically. Just say, "I wanted a discussion, not a yelling match. This is not a personal attack, just an observation. Think about it for a few days and figure out what has happened that sets you off and I will come back and ask again in a few days." And walk out of the room. Everytime he starts yelling, I would just be walking out, give it a few days and ask again. If he cannot talk reasonably, state that if he wants to stay married, it's time for couples counselling because it is clear you're not able to have the proper observational conversation without a third party present. If he refuses, that might be the end of your marriage because no one should have to constantly live like that.
Exactly what I experienced. My ex seemed so much better I’m once I got pissed off. I noticed it and knew that was odd. Except he didn’t yell much, he was just a jerk. He’d also seem like the nicest person ever at other times 🙄
If he grew up in an abusive household, it could be that he literally doesn't hear you unless you shout. Raised voices and aggression are what he thinks communication means. If you're serious enough you'll shout, so he zones out to anything else. Things won't get better until he acknowledges that and works on it.
Good distinction! This is such an important topic. Criticism is destructive. Constructive communication discusses the issue without alienating the other person. The goal should always be to bring you closer together after the discussion.
In my experience, constructive communication can *absolutely* alienate the other person. Because every complaint can be read as an implied criticism, and there are some people who can't take any feedback at all without feeling attacked. Unfortunately, these are people that it's not really possible to be close with in a healthy way.
@erinm9445 in the way you describe, the constructive communication seems to be misinterpreted/mistranslated as personal attacks. the communication can still be constructive, however, communication takes 2 (at minimum)
and sadly, youre right in that some people are in a stage where they simply refuse to engage in authentic communication. sometimes we are in a state of self-preservation that makes us listen less and look for threats more. in this way, communication is impossible. tho, it is not impossible for someone previously operating from this modality to change that and start to communicate for real
I just want you to know that my daughter was able to share your last video with her husband and I think he's been watching other videos because he actually told her today when they were talking that he was listening and that he heard her. So thank you for everything that you do!
Yes, it IS hard to be vulnerable and express how you feel, especially when your partner either goes into silence or gives an “apology” that’s really a “get out of jail free card” with no heart or behavior change. You can say it very well and still get bad results because how they respond is theirs, not yours.
The issue I keep encountering is that people take my statements of boundaries, needs, and preferences as criticism. As personal attacks.
I can never get them to explain what they want differently from me, and meanwhile they continue as before.
I've heard so many similar stories from other women, other neurodiverse people, other handicapped or ill people, and of course from people active in the Black Lives Matter movement.
Everyone who is different from some arbitrary "norm" and so has different needs and boundaries and preferences has to keep explaining over and over again, always differently than we are currently doing, and we keep getting dismissed for not doing it "right."
And then when we get frustrated or even angry over getting harmed and ignored, WE get blamed for not playing along nicely anymore.
I truly appreciate channels like yours trying to educate people on how there's a difference between wanting things to change, and condemning someone as a person.
It's okay if we do things in ways that accidentally hurt others. It's how we respond to learning about our unintended effects that shows our character.
Thank you. This makes me feel less alone and I wish more people had your wisdom 💕
There are many people who do not want to have a good relationship to you and who do not want to treat others well.
I would go away from people that do not want to treat me well and would search for people who want to respect me and my boundaries.
[Jesus himself went away from his people when they did not want to believe him or when they threw stones at him.
(He only went to die because he wanted to fulfill God's plan but when he walked and preached he went to the places where he wanted to be.)]
I like yr comment.
It gets so exhausting trying to explain to close family and friends that you can’t do certain things they expect from you. Then getting upset and tell you you can. Meanwhile already beating yrself up cuz u can’t do them. I was forced to shut my whole support group out of my life because I can’t be who they want me to be. I have maybe a handful of people I can be myself around.
I got so burnt out. No words left for people who don’t want to listen.
@@tymwillpass1592 Yep
My relationship started tanking when I got diagnosed with ADHD at age 32. I got medicated and started being able to communicate and set boundaries better instead of being in permanent "going along to get along" mode. I changed the status quo and it was like a nuclear bomb went off. Mind you my expectations for my spouse did not change one single bit, in fact I got less needy because I had more mental resources. The behavior that came from this revealed a lot about how our relationship has actually always been. If you always let a bully hip check you into the lockers on their way past and one day try to politely say "no thank you", you're going to get more than a little shove in response.
After 30+ years of 1-3 daily messages of criticism from my family/spouse/boss/whomever, that's **11,000 - 33,000+** messages that tell me *I'm not enough.*
This is so important for me to hear before I add another 30 years without doing something new on my part.
I am so sorry that you have had 30+ years of criticism. I know well the feelings as my mom criticized me until her death at 97. You are enough! I am enough! I wish you well as you make positive changes to your life;)
I am a broken human. I am not sure what I’m doing. Perhaps I’ll never know. I carry on, with a smile on my face, and hope in my heart, because I have two lovely daughters and 5 beautiful grandchildren that I love so much!
They do not know my sorrow. It’s too much of a burden to place on them.
@@RR-LMSL18 ❣️ Maybe you have ADHD? ...
So sorry❣️
Have you considered the possibility that you have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or perhaps personality on the artist spectrum? You would be surprised how many people suffer their entire lives without knowing what they are doing wrong or what is going wrong with life or others, but they do not know that they have a personality disorder or neurodivergence. Go to a neurologist or psychiatrist and get evaluated! ❤️ Knowing your personality trait and learning to manage it may end all that pain.
I wish I was taught this when I was 7 years old. So many relationships destroyed due to words.
You should treat your partner at least as well as you treat your coworkers. So don’t call names, keep saying please and thank you, and be kind to each other. If you do that, you’ll build up a bank of goodwill that will make resolving conflicts easier.
BUT. If you’re nice and they still aren’t, or they can’t take any of your concerns into account, you cannot change that person. The only way people change is if they decide to do it. If they’re not interested in changing and you are miserable, let it go. You don’t have to be miserable.
Neither of you has to be a bad person for you to be a bad couple.
After 35 years of not listening to a word I say, yeah, it comes out rude. That's what happens after 35 years of being ignored. You cannot keep up the kindness forever and ever. It just isn't sustainable
Nearing 1 year in and had this conversation with her just this week. Vowed to pay attention to not get defensive but rather curious and asked her to pay attention to rather give complaints in stead of criticisms. Wish us luck 😉
I think there is a difference between to critisize someone and critisizm. Never critisize someone is an impossible unrealistic advice.
As offenders a spouse may still criticize you but you have to man up and tell her she is right. Husbands tend to react badly to criticism. We need to listen, understand, be patient to speak and apologize for our behavior. I totally get my wife criticizing me and now I agree with her, I understand why she feels that way. If I acknowledge it it becomes less and less. As time goes on criticism goes away and complaints may come but if you recognize and acknowledge you are on right path. I know and don’t be surprised if a few fists come your way. Allow the anger but acknowledge her pain. When a woman is upset she may throw punches as husbands we slam doors and scream. Neither helps.
You're right! Both parties can adjust their conversation. However, if they're raising their voice & cursing, it's time to leave. 🙏🏽
Good topic. I find that criticism can be passive aggressive. Nasty comments made from another room or complaining to other people are just as damaging. When confronted the person denies saying anything when I heard clearly what they said. Leaving me to chase after them with questions to hold them accountable for their behavior.
yeah, try that with a man child or woman child, in any relationship. it is so hurtful when people do that. you are trying to be mature and responsive, to their criticism and all they try to do is trigger you. And the point comes, okay, you be in your own world and let me stay away from you for my own sanity. you can not keep your mental peace, you are not welcome at my zen!
Jimmy, you’re so insightful. I really appreciate your videos. They help me grow myself to be a better person. If only my partner would work with me. We could have a positive marriage, but at least I’m able to see my part through my divorce and hopefully my next relationship will be better.
I think the #1 most important thing to have before love in a relationship is respect for the other person. My mom says, when things get hard, to look at your spouse as a friend because the title "husband" or "wife" carries a lot of weight n responsibility. We love this person
thank you so much! I'm always looking forward to your new videos, they are life saving! my partner and I've been together for a couple years, and we worked through plenty of problems during the time, but the default criticism in arguments is something we're yet to resolve. I think I'm the more critical one: growing up in a family where invalidation and blaming was normal, and where any given conflict could only be resolved through shouting, name calling, etc. - oh it really messed me up. now I'm working my ass off to teach myself better ways. thankfully my partner is understanding of it, so I'm slowly and steadily making progress :)
❤ Oh this is good. Thank you very much for sharing with us. Blessings!
This is soo true because my tone did change overtime equaling to destructiveness
Thank you all your amazing advice, its been so very helpful
If you make a complaint and the other person refuses to listen, then what’s the next step? Depending on the complaint, I’d either reduce the effort I’m giving out, or completely remove myself if the issue’s non-negotiable.
If you find yourself continually trying and trying to make the same complaint in a healthy way, understanding and validating their feelings, giving them space or compromise while being sure the complaint you have is a reasonable one (his one is crucial as it requires really considering and evaluating what you are actually asking of them)
If you've done all that and your complaints still aren't being addressed, then yes pulling away or leaving altogether is fine and healthy.
@@ajregalia1334 so true. But it hurts so bad when it’s yr whole support group you’ve had yr entire life that won’t accept that you can’t keep living like they want you to live😞
@@tymwillpass1592 Yeah, that definitely is demoralizing when it happens. Hopefully they'll change their perspective with more understanding and be there for you
@@ajregalia1334 thank you. I hope so too. I love them so much. I always tried to be there for them but it doesn’t matter if I can’t be who they want me to be. Or do what they want me to do.
@@ajregalia1334 I think your suggestion is look like give, give, give and then leave your all investments and go. It will harm you. After the break up you will think I was always kind, I worked too much but now nothing I have.
This is a great idea and would work in theory, But MY husband says he IS his behavior so it hurts him doing it this way still.
He says that if he chooses to do something it’s because it’s who he is so I’m still attacking his character if I have any issues with anything he does. Or if something he does hurst me he just says we are incompatible. (Together 25 years)
🤷♀️
What he is saying is a cop out. Sounds like he is hiding behind irrational logic. My partner has done this too and it is so difficult to try to reason with someone who has decided they don't really want to engage with you. Hope you find a way forward...
I thought it was the other way around. And that criticism is raising an issue and providing feedback and potential solutions
Hey I love your videos and I am in very similar situation trying to heal our relationship, and my partner does criticizes me alot the best thing I found that works is like you said get curious, my goto question is what are you hearing me say? Most of the time it ends up being because of the broken trust they assume the worse, rather then I forgot or just a plain mistake. So in short thank you!!
Yikes, I had to listen to this twice - took that long for the new perspective this offers. THANK YOU!
Yes but when the only feeling they ever have is anger what do you do with that?
Go to therapy if you can afford it and seek anger management techniques, too much stress overt time can and will kill you
Leave
came here from twittwr posted by my favourite person yasmin mogahed and i subscribed instantly thanks jimmy 4 the right words used moments like these
So Great!!!!! Such great depth!!!!! This I needed to see more clearly what to do!!!! This is so valuable!!! Thank you!!!
Thank you Jimmy!
Great advice for every type of relationship. I'm learning and sharing this with others.
Point taken. Thank you so much ❤️✌🏾
Interesting distinction. I appreciate the input.
☯️✨🤷 Trying and Acknowledgment , Is Always A Start In The Right Direction #Amen ✨☯️
Great examples of respectful clear communication 😀
Can you talk about building back trust?
So helpful!!
I would really love if you would do a video more in depth in how to correctly express your feelings and react when you get triggered by something.
After trying to work out my relationship for a while I got in the habit of criticism and while now I’m out of the relationship, sometimes I’ll get triggered by other people and react how I would with my past boyfriend, even though the other person hasn’t done anything wrong and the strong reaction I get is from another relationship
😅 i was so close to disagreeing with you. The words are switched to me, criticism is constructive and open to compromise (the goal is a solution, not blame). Complaints are basically rants that just stir up stress (minimal, if any, temporary solutions).
You can be kind and express feelings but most people do not like the step two😊 For some reason thay call you mean when you state what is not tolerable to you. More often is "them" then their behavior because they do not want to acknowledge it in the first place. Those ppl are big NOno.
I appreciate your examples of healthy conversations in relationships.😊
I need help with other relationships. Neighbors, people who are getting into my business. How to handle people who have no boundaries. I have a neighbor who is getting in between me and another neighbor's business with our landlord. This could cause me to have to move immediately. I cannot do so, and I could lose everything! She won't stop. She is self righteous and intrusive. How do I handle this? How do I get this person out of our business?
You have THE BEST tee shirts, where do you get them?😊
Interesting perspective. What about constructive criticism?
Need a longer video on helping them see how they use criticism as a defense tactic and how it’s not acceptable. This video ended up blaming the victim of the criticism because they may have had a bad response to their character being attacked
Your RUclips broken? 😂 Go ahead make that video then.
It's less about blaming the victim, and more about recognizing that it's a cycle, with both partners triggering the other and reacting to the other; but also where both partners have the responsibility to move past their reactiveness to a respectful response and listening to the other.
So the criticized person can say, "you're victim blaming, yes I had a bad response, but that's because my character was attacked." But the criticizer can just as truthfully say, "you're the one victim blaming, yes I had a bad (critical) response, but that's because I was ignored and disrespected." The cycle only ends in the relationship when both people can start to recognize that the "yes but" is just excuses for hurtful behavior to the other person. Both partners have a tendency to justify their own bad responses, but blame the partner for the partner's bad responses, and that is destructive to the relationship.
Umm. Yes it is their fault for not being accountable - accepting responsibility for their behavior. Don't rationalize. Radical acceptance.
Patrick Sicard PsyD
Pero hay algún hombre así? es como encontrar un unicornio!
What if your partner is saying they need to control what you do or say to people in order for them to feel safe?
sounds like a ⛳
Run.
@@MaryDunford I ran,’it got worse
While I totally agree that name calling, shouting, and blame ate not helpful, I do disagree that criticism itself can't be helpful. Sorry, but someone's actions ARE their character. Who you are is how you act. It just is. And I can't have a productive conversation with someone who is continually trying to say some garbage that "Well yes, I invalidate you and criticise you a lot, but it doesn't make me a bad partner." Yes, actually. Yes, it does.
Sometimes, the only useful way to conduct a conversation is to discuss a character flaw that is evident by repeated behaviour. E.g. You don't give my feelings any weight in your decisions because everyone else's feelings are always more important than mine. You can't have a productive conversation about a repeated behaviour without criticism. Should it be destructive criticism? No. But without accepting constructive and specific criticism on specific character flaws how is anything going to change? The therapist's I find most useful are the ones who do criticise a character flaw in me, not the one who only take about a specific behaviour. Only talking about a specific behaviour instead of repeated patterns demonstrating a character flaw, doesn't give the issue the weight and severity it needs to moticate change.
I'm not going to be boxed into never talking about someone's character flaws or I'm being toxic and frankly, I'm downright sick of being with someone who won't acknowledge or point out my own character flaws. Either we can both accept influence in listening to the flaws that we see in each other, or it's not a relationship I'm interested in.
This is something I hate about the current mental health zeitgeist. Who you are as a person is not your mistakes, or your outbursts, or your unhealthy habits. Who you are TO YOURSELF that is. Who you are to other people absofrigginloutely includes those things.
If I hear, "well I didn't mean to" one more time as a reason why I can't be upset at someone's behavior I'll punch a raccoon. It doesn't matter if you meant to! I don't have any access to your true intent and I don't care anyways, it's irrelevant to me! If you do something once, say you didn't mean to, THEN PROVE IT BY NEVER DOING IT AGAIN, cool. In that case I wouldn't really even mind if you DID mean to, but regretted it so much afterwards you committed to never repeating it. I would rather be friends with someone who had intrusive thoughts to punch me in the face every day and never did than someone who punched me twice a year but "didn't mean to".
Who you are to yourself includes intent, who you are to others is exclusively what you do and say.
@aawillma Absolutely! But there is also a point where you have to accept within yourself that your intent actually doesn't matter. Your reasons for lying could be super noble or whatever, but if you keep lying over and over again, it still makes you a liar. If you don't accept that you have lied to the point of becoming a liar, you're never going to get to the root of the problem and stop lying. The first part of fixing a problem and accepting it, so that it can now actually be addressed and worked on. If you continually refuse to accept that your lying habit has gotten so bad that you've become a liar because you "didn't intend to" then I guarantee you'll continue lying.
... Your videos are really helping to restore my hope that other rational + reasonable human beings actually exist IRL 🙏🏻 No offense but are you an AI bot??? 🤔
You are theoretical! Try to give cases, then you’ll see and understand more yourself: you’re right but too far from “ordinary” people. A decabrist (if you know who they were). No cases - no trust in your words.
For example: I want to go to one place for the weekend, my partner - to another. But I don’t want to go to the place he suggests. And he doesn’t want to go to the place I want. And not for this only weekend. For all of them. Are we incompatible? Should we depart? How can we solve the problem? This is a typical but not the most difficult case.
Only theory:(((
Nope
OK
Nope what?
My problem is I can't find women who are willing to criticize me. They subject me to toxic positivity and emotional neglect and expect me to be grateful.
Also I'm sick of good vibes only women who can't handle criticism. Seriously if you don't want your man to criticize you then STOP ABUSING HIM.
And toxic positivity and emotional neglect are abuse.
Hey DR,
I would like to criticize you :D
Haha ^^
I wish you a good partner in the future!
If this is a consistent pattern in your relationships so much so that you're sick of it then you might want to reflect why and how this keeps happening. Are there perhaps things you could do differently in how/who you approach to build different kinds of relationships?
Maybe it’s what they learned in their past.
Ladies, stop wasting energy trying to change a man. Beauty and the Beast isn’t real. Appreciate the good things he does, if any. Keep the house nice, food ready, provide sex. Buy your own flowers, hold your own hand. Go to girlfriends or a therapist if you want to talk about feelings. You’ll both be happier.
No. If this is your view of what a partnership should be like, then you shouldn’t be in one. I agree trying to change your partner most of the time is pointless, but in that case they just should break up and find a person who is a good fit, an actual partner
Ladies, don't listen to this. There are SUCH better partners out there, you don't have to set your bar on the floor. You do need to figure out if you're with a man who wants a relationship with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. If you're not, and you want to preserve the relationship, then sure, do what evelyn suggests, minus the sexist stuff about being a good little housewife/bangmaid. But if what *you* want is a relationship with closeness, vulnerability, support, etc., there are lots of men who want that too, I recommend going out and finding one.
@@erinm9445 they act better, while dating, but once married, the dating behavior stops. Don’t rely on what he does while dating to be an indication of how he will treat you in an established relationship. Even if he says otherwise. He may believe he will keep being the romantic, but it takes a lot of work, once infatuation settles down.
Thats. Just. Gross.
@@raspberrykitten6676 better than waking up to it one day, after believing in fantasy land.
ty
Cool video