A really big benefit of being aromantic in my opinion is you don’t have to feel miserable about being single. The loneliness many people feel over not being able to find a romantic partner can be far worse than the loneliness you get from not being able to find a sexual partner. I’m sure some even feel suicidal over it! I could probably stay single throughout my whole life and not feel the tiniest bit of loneliness over it. Then again it depends on the person I suppose, but that’s how I feel at least.
Nasexsav Kifs BIG agree. Being single is lit af. I totally love my alone time! I dunno if thats the same for all or most aro’s but most the ones I know are very satisfied with being alone and dont feel that pang of loneliness that alloromantic folks seem to feel so I definitely agree 🙌🏽
I myself was relieved to learn about being aromantic. I never felt a ‘connection’ to anyone I dated, even my long term partner that I had a child with. I realized after that I was forcing myself to commit to something I was never actually emotionally invested in. I am now sooo happy enjoying my life with my child and not having to worry about a partner. I feel freer knowing my true self and look forward to enjoying my best life knowing i will be complete with myself. Thanks for all the great words!! 💜
Jessica Elder I tried forcing myself but it never worked for long. I could always tell within a few weeks that whatever was “supposed” to happen between me and a partner definitely was not happening and not only was it not happening but the OPPOSITE was happening as I was being repulsed. Definitely found life and dating so much more rewarding once I figured this stuff out about myself.
I just got out of a 3 year relationship. I just learned I'm Aromantic about 2 weeks ago. He broke up with me the next day. Which is his choice. I just cant give him what he needs. Every relationship Ive had Ive told them I loved them. But on the inside I felt disconnected. When I learned about Aromanticism it was like the world snapped into place. Boom. That's it. I'm not broken. Im not a Robot. We're just different.
Sarah Bell 1000% understand. I know what its like to not be able to offer what a partner needs. I tried SOOO hard to give it to them and knew I was coming up short. But as you said, learning I was aro totally just snapped everything into perfect perspective and having been able to reflect on myself and prospect I was able to come to this mentality and make videos like this. We aren’t broken just a little different and can still have whatever we want without sacrificing our mental health or doing things we’re uncomfortable with! Thanks so much for watching and sharing your story! Def give me a follow if you care to see more vids on the topic!
Hey. I've known theoretically that the arospec is a thing, but I've always seen it along with the acespec, which I know I'm not a part of; I've known I'm bisexual forever, and love reading sugary books, but being in romantic relationships always made me so, so uncomfortable. But, despite having my depression on full force in hose situations, I always added being friends + being attracted to someone = mandatory romance. I felt robotic, broken, for not really getting why people get upset when I break up with someone and truly want to be friends, or for never imagining romance in future plans. So, today I read a random internet post talking specifically about the aromantic spectrum, and started crying halfway through it, because apparently I'm not broken, and this is such a giant weight being taken off my chest. Hell, I was typing the comment and listening to you, and "you're not a robot" made me laugh in glee. I have no idea where the spectrum I'm at, and this is one of the big reasons for searching youtube on the topic. But the validation of someone actually saying out loud things I've felt without understanding kinda makes the whole thing feel real, and stops the tangent of arguments my brain is already starting to form against the idea that, well, apparently there is a word for the way I feel. Damn, but this comment is a giant mess. I write for a living, which makes the sheer idea of reading through an emotional and relieved ramble a nightmare, and I'm currently too happy to worry about grammar or structure. Sorry. But... Thanks. Really.
I totally know what it’s like to get these “ah hah” moments and feel validated so no worries on the big comments! Honestly I really love when people take time to write out their experience because it felt like for so long I’d never meet anyone who shared mine so it’s comforting and fun to find more people who are similarly unique. So happy you’re finding my videos helpful! Thanks so much for sharing your experience and some love ❤️
Romantic relationships have never been on my mind even before I found out I'm aro. The future I've always pictured for myself even before I figured this out is me adopting a kid when I'm financially stable and living with all my friends and spending our time just hanging out and cooking (aka, no romantic partner). I've accepted myself and my label, but there's always that tiny, little voice that's saying 'what if you're wrong?'. I'm still young, and I've never dated. I approach everything with an 'if you've never tried it, how do you know you don't like it' mentality, but the thought of pursuing a romantic relationship and actually trying it out sounds exhausting. i don't know what to think and it doesn't help that the resources for the aromantic are so few and in between. So thank you for putting out these videos, i really appreciate it.
Ivy Dignity its certainly worth while keeping an open mind but I definitely know what you mean that there’s just no real desire to even try. Don’t try it if it doesn’t make you happy but also dont shut down an opportunity simply because you think it wont work out. Just go with the flow and communicate openly and honestly and you’ll be fine
Hello Ivy, are you literally me? I think this may be the closest I’ve come to finding another person that completely understands the wanting to live with friends forever, and even coparenting a child platonically! We can just have the people we love all together. I feel like if someone asked me to join a cult that had a communal living space, I would definitely join 😂 Thanks for being so relatable!
I am really glad I found your channel! I have only used the label "aromantic" a few times, usually when people ask about whether I am in a relationship I just say that I'm single. Then they want to know why and my answer is "I just don't fall in love" (I really liked your video about this!). I agree that there are many pros on being aromantic: I hate seeing my friends in bad relationships, heartbroken about a breakup, or desperately trying to find a husband, just because they feel incomplete without a partner. I've never felt like that. I am glad that we live in an age and society where I can live - and live well! - on my own. I get annoyed when every piece of entertainment seems to need a romantic subplot, and when people who don't know me assume that I am unhappy on my own. And right now I am a bit disappointed because for the first time in years, my friend doesn't want to go on vacation with me - guess what, she's got a new boyfriend... No life is perfect, not for aromantics and not for "ideal couples", but I am grateful for my life, for my friends and family, for the time and energy that I can use to whatever purpose I choose. I try to make the world a better place in little ways, I do charity work and people around me know they can alway rely on me for help or an open ear. I think I am a good person, I know I am a happy person, I know I am not broken.
Barbara 165 I definitely get super tired with the forced romantic plots in everything. If its natural or helps the story I’m down but its so forced and unnecessary in so many stories. And I personally love using the term aromantic. I find when I used to just say “I dont fall in love” or “I dont do relationships” people think I’m choosing It or I havn’t met the right one etc. they have some frame of reference for what those words mean so they just come up with their own ideas what I’m experiencing which is usually not accurate. So by using the term “aromantic” its a new term they are entirely unfamiliar with so they’re more open to really creating a new idea of what a person can be and more able to understand me. As for friends getting into relationships and leaving us, yea that can happen but its cool cuz I like being alone haha. We can still be happy and whole. Thanks so much for watching and sharing
I was battling depression and almost committed suicide because of self-hatred, combined with intense loathing of being gay. I got a little better through therapy, and learning about being aromantic really took a lot of weight off my shoulders. I told the therapist I was starving myself only to fail in attaining the "ideal body" acceptable in the world of dating and sex (in which I was a loser of generally, in the grand scheme of things). But then the doctor asked, "for what?" That question will haunt me to the grave, I couldn't answer it. I replayed the possibility of wanting to have a partner, but no matter how hard I try *it just does not make sense*. It seems that heteronormativity and toxic masculinity in gay spaces have gone into my head severely that I almost killed myself. Thank you, Nik, for shining this light in my dark life. You made me feel something that those dating apps have never done for me ever: belong. Being on your own CAN be enough, or even better.
KSDT SubFil wow thank you so much for sharing. That sounds so difficult and I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this. I’m glad my videos helped. I definitely love being alone. I think being aro really does allow you to feel fulfilled on your own. It can definitely take some work to shake the heteronormative and toxic masculinity and even just the normal idea of people/love of “I need to have a partner”. Society often looks at people who go long periods of time without partners as if there’s something wrong with them but how many people do you know that are constantly miserable jumping from relationship to relationship with horrible ex stories and baby mommas and dead beat dads etc. its all so messy so honestly being aromantic has felt like a blessing. I’ve just felt so relieved to have never really dealt with any of that and found great comfort in just being on my own. If/when I do want someone in my life I call a friend and we spend time together and then when I’m ready to be alone again, I leave! Its all on my time and I just feel so grateful to be able to do that and I’m sure you can too! My life motto is always “do more of what I like and less of what I dont”. Stop doing things for other people or because you think thats what people expect of you and just do what feels right to you and keep doing that as much as possible until your feeling happy more often than sad
I recently told my mum that I was greyromantic. She said "maybe you ahvent met the right person yet." It kinda annoyed me because it felt like she wasn't listening. After that she thought I broke up with my boyfriend because of it, I hadn't, we are both really happy. But growing up I never really got relationship. Like I never saw the point, all that time and energy for years, and for what? It just seemed like a waste. I see the point in being romantic and putting on a dig date or whatever but it just feel like a wasted effort for a one night thing, you know. In secondary school people would ask me "oh, who do you like?" And at the time I woudl think "I dont like anyone." But I've said that before and people look at me weirdly, like I had to like someone. So if people asked me I'd just say "yes" and be done with it. I've had teacher say that "boys act silly because they like you." And I was always like "no thank you!" (They were never my type anyways lol) I'd wat h day one nd day out people get together and like weeks later break up, I was always like "why get together?" I didn't hate the idea of a relationship, I just didnt want be in one for a long time and have it come to nothing. And I do see why people go in these short term relationships but at the same I don't. Like why do people give themselves away like that to only be heartbroken? I don understand now. I mean, people will be people. I just want to remind whoever reading this that, you are the only you. You can decide your own decision. You can only control your life. Being you is all that anyone asks, even if they dont like it. Be accepted is all what anyone and everyone wants. This might mean something to you or not but whatever/whoever you are, I accept and I am proud of you. Your doing amazing! Keep it up! Don't be worried about anyone else or what anyone else thinks. keep going :)
fearless_OP _Player yes! So true! Everyone just needs to be true to themselves whatever that may be as long as they are respecting their partners. Labels can certainly help people but certainly shouldn’t be the focus of how one finds and defines themselves. Thank you for watching and sharing this love and positivity
im just 16 but everything u said about all ur aromantic videos i can definitely relate. ive always felt left out when my friends have boyfriends , date or talk to their crushes and i wonder why i never had that or to pursue that. i felt left out not because of peer pressure but the pressure i put on myself because supposedly thats the thing i should want. everyones always interested in my love life and if i liked this guy back or not but u never found it interesting. i tried to talk to multiple people of different genders but they ended up “falling in love” with me first and i just simply dont. i feel so uncomfortable in situations like that and i stop and tell myself “isnt this what u wanted? u wanted someone so bad and when ure in the situation u supposedly “wanted” to be in , you want nothing else but to get out of it. why? “ and its a reoccuring problem. i guess i just have too much faith in love and i should accept that its not for everyone but then again maybe im too young :)
s o p h i e a verrrry relatable problem for sure. I was definitely of the same mindset of like “oh this is what I want right?” And then I’d get it and be like “uuuhh... change my mind.” The idea of it seems far better than what it actually feels like. Took me years of dating to consider “wait... maybe when I like a person and want to spend time with them or get to know them or even want to have sex with them... thats all I want. Maybe I don’t actually want the relationship part. Maybe I just want friendship. Because THAT always feels good. I never have a problem with my friends. I never feel these repulsed feelings. That’s when I started thinkin outside the box and when I finally heard the term aromantic is was like “holy shit thats it!” So yea, maybe you are a little young and should keep the option open to maybe give it a try if things feel right but just keep communications open with any potential partners on how you are feeling and definitely don’t force anything.
Love the "love you guys... as friends" lol But really I gotta say I'm so glad I found this RUclips channel bc now I get to have a sense of community & I feel like some people actually don't just imagine how I feel but actually feel similar things. I've come to terms with being on the aro spectrum a few years ago but I've never really heard anyone talk about aro experiences, especially not as sth positive. Plus since it's a small community still we get to interact more personally. And now I get to refer people to the videos when I dont feel like explaining everything ✌ that's nice bc my friends are all really understanding & open but sometimes I just dont feel like explaining things over & over again.
nina P I 1000% know what you mean. This has been such a fun experience to get to tell my own story and experience and also encourage people to share theirs. I loooove when people share their own stories and reading how other people have experienced being aro. It’s fascinating and warms me to feel connected in a way that used to make me feel so alone. I definitely used to get tired of explaining it over and over again too which was why I made the first video and now we’re here! So thanks for watching! I got more videos comin so stay tuned!
I really appreciate these videos that you make! There is so little representation and (positive) information on aromanticism, especially not while being allosexual. I feel like almost everyone who talks about aromanticism is also asexual and for some reason they talk about their asexuality way more - which is obviously very valid, but I'm so glad to finally hear someone I can relate to. I was never really sure if this is the label that fits me but I really relate to a lot of the things you talk about, so thank you! I love the way you talk about being aro, it makes me see the beautiful and positive things about it and that there are still so many different paths I can choose, even if I don't end up in a hetero monogamous relationship.
Maika S. So glad my videos have been helpful! I agree most of the content I’ve seen have been mostly the ACE more than ARO stuff so I figured I’d make my own and I’m so stoked to see so many out here finding and responding to it!
I am aroace, but I've also wondered why so many aroace stuff focuses a lot more to asexuality than aromanticism. Personally aromanticism affects my life more than asexuality bc sexual life is often quite private thing and if I don't tell about it, nobody knows bc rarely anyone asks (atleast in my life). But me being single is much more visible and raises more questions which for some reason are considered acceptable to ask. I wish to see more aro content in the future, fortunately Nik's videos exist.
I'm so glad I found this channel. It is great to have this perspective since romantic attraction seems to get eclipsed and bundled into sexual attraction most of the time, even in the asexual community where it is more understood to be a different thing. While I am asexual as well, as a female living in a heavily Christian area I've found that a lot of the more blatant pressure that I've faced has been to be romantic rather than sexual, to the point that one of the responses I got from coming out was basically "No females want sex, they endure sex for their husband. How could you not want a husband?" I believe that those sorts of gendered expectations are why asexuality and aromanticism are so hard for people to understand; they border on stereotypes that are taken for granted. While this language isn't used media tends to portray "normal hetero" females as asexual heteroromantic and "normal hetero" males as heterosexual aromantic until "fixed" by finding his "soulmate" in the girl who challenges him and is able to "fix" him. It doesn't help that most coming of age stories do the same thing. A girl becomes a woman when she finds a boyfriend or gets married, and a boy becomes a man when he gets laid.
While I'm coming to terms with being on the aro/ace spectrum (I'm demisexual) I realized it was brought upon me to want marriage and kids. I still love the idea of a partner, but don't want kids, and not even necessarily a romantic partner, but someone I can he intimate with, not even sexually but like... Physical affection? If that makes sense. Though I think a part that may play into all of this for me is religious upbringing and such. It's so wacky cause I'm still trying to sort through what I've been conditioned to believe and what I really am. Slowly finding out more and more that I really go against a lot of things. It's scary, but I'm glad I'm starting to find myself, thanks to you.
Sterling crooked corner Self exploration is so important when figuring out what we actually want. We just kinda automatically assume we want the standard options but I think so many of us really want different things and its not until we can shake off the feeling like we’re quote,unquote “normal” we can stop and honestly ask ourselves “what do I actually like. What am I actually looking for?” So glad I could help
@@nikhampshire yeah, and thank you! I'm still confused but I don't want to think about putting a label on my sexuality because of how confusing it is, I'm just not focusing on it, bit it's helped so much that you're here to help guide me through this, to have some kind of community since there seems to not be a very big one
I was singing a song that goes "love, I'm in love agaaaaaaaain" because it was on the radio and my mom asked me "when will you sing that non ironicaly" and I was just laughing nervously in closeted aromantic
This made me think a lot on how I found out the moment where aro fit, it was when I was a kid and I told my mom I wanted to marry a best friend and I meant it as that, just a best friend. When I got older I found out what that meant, if anyone in my life needs to understand aromatic Iam ganna show them your channel!!!
Ayyy! Thats part of why I make this! As a resource for people to connect to and share with others to help explain what they might have an issue explaining for themselves. Let em know!
This meant so much to me, thank you!!! Just discovered that I a m pretty sure I'm aro today so the acceptance is needed. Friendships are definitely so important to me that I'm reminding myself that my life is full of love, just a different kind
My partner of 7 years just recently came out as aromantic, which was a huge relief!!! For so long I felt like I was playing tennis with a brick wall. We had always been poly, so every new relationship she developed resulted in a strange competition that tainted the compersion I simultaneously felt. Adding the label allowed me to realize that I'm not unlovable. And now I want to help people that are already in relationships with aromantic people navigate.
Wow that’s amazing! Never occured to me the relief a partner could feel in learning this about their partner but totally makes sense! Thanks for watching and sharing! ♥️
Nik your videos have been a light to me this weekend. I feel like I finally figured out what is “wrong” with me, but nothing is in fact wrong with me. I felt a great deal of relief, i want to learn more about the benefits and continue to live in my truth.
Can’t tell you how much I love seeing messages like these. As someone who felt broken or wrong for a while I know what it feels like to feel that relief and I love helping others find it. I have a video called “acceptance” that discusses some of the advantages to being aro In my opinion. Check it out and let me know what ya think! Have fun on you’re journey and thanks for leaving some luv on the page
So, I'm just figuring this out. I think I've heard about Aromanticism a long time ago, but never really looked into it, but I recently stopped pushing some thoughts away and finally allowed myself to be the non-binary person I am, and with that, a lot of blocked thoughts started to spill out of my brain and with this pandemic going on I had way too much time to think about myself and get to know me better. I'm 21, and for so long I just thought "is not that I'm not interested in people, they are not interested in me, so I'm just preserving myself from feeling things", and I truly believed this. I also never thought I was Aro because I had what looked like crushes before. 5 times. 3 during middle school and 2 during high school. (2 guys, 3 girls -I'm bi) But as soon as I started to actually getting to know them, that feeling would rapidly be lost. And tbh, I just liked one of them because she looked like Kristen Stewart and I was a kid that liked Twilight a lot. It's really interesting the thing you say about "what you really want", because I thought about that, what I want for life long term, and to me that is so interesting, because I've seen some lesbian representation of couples growing up and I thought "That's what I want. What they have is beautiful." and I would see most straight couple and be kinda grossed out, which made me think I was actually not Bi. I'm very grossed out by most romance representations in tv and in life too, but not when was 2 girls or two guys, so I though, "ok, maybe I'm just gay", but realistically, I still had attraction to males and masculine people. And I often feel attraction to people, regardless of their sexes or genders, but as soon as I talk to them, is like the attraction falls flat, and that's kinds horrible, because I feel like I want that connection and the touch, but at the same time I don't. And it's one of the reasons why I'm still a virgin. I had/have the opportunity to have sex whenever, and it's not like I think my virginity is something precious, but I don't just wanna have sex because. I want a little bit more, and feels like is lacking for me. I want a little more connection, and yet, I don't get connected/attached. I do a lot of Maladaptive Daydreaming, and I dream about so many fantastic things. I dream about superpowers, and being pirate, and love, and romance, and kids... and that romance part of my daydreams are so nice, and yet if you ask what I really want in life, I'll immediately tell you I want a country house, not too far from the city, but far enough I don't see cars or hear them, with a big space so I can grow crops, chickens and have a basically a cat shelter. Love and romance is not something I seem to want long term, and I definitely don't want kids. Right now I feel like I want someone, and i think "for what?", and is only for my own well being when I feel lonely, maybe make out a bit, maybe have sex, and that's it. Purely selfish and no romantic thoughts in sight. I used to think I was going crazy, for real, because I'm a loving caring person, so why couldn't I realistically think about caring and loving someone that wasn't family or friend? I'm still new at this aromantic thing, and honestly I'm not even sure about it, but your channel is really helping me understand a few things. ♡
I was honestly relieved. It was like the fog finally lifted. It felt so good. I'm not broken. I didn't understand how I couldn't figure out how to successfully have a romantic relationship. I think I felt something, go for it, and every time I'd get that strong NOPE feeling almost instantly. I couldn't do it. I felt so broken, like why can't I do this? What is wrong with me? By the time I was in my mid 20s I'd given up, just accepted that I was "broken". It felt so much better being single, and the thought of trying to start a relationship made me feel sick and give me anxiety. I'm 33 now and other people were my biggest problems. They would be so concerned or find it so weird that I was constantly single. When I was sitting here happy, like what's the problem? I'm sure a lot of people think I'm gay. I just couldn't really explain myself or have a word for it. I just discovered the term "Aromantic" like 2 weeks ago and it's been amazing. I feel so much better knowing others are like me. I have a sense of pride now. So I'm similar to you I knew what I was and accepted it, even without a term. So finding the term Aromantic was awesome. Great videos!
I just came to the conclusion that I’m Aromantic. I really appreciate your videos, especially as a heterosexual aromantic man. I’ve tried dating for 5 years after splitting up with my children’s mom because she cheated on me back then. And REALLY thinking about it, I didn’t even feel anything when I found out she did. I split up with her for other reasons mainly, but looking in the past, I thought really good friendship with someone I’m attracted to was romance. But I’ve never felt those butterflies and the “cute” shit always put me off. I’m tired of people saying I have commitment issues because I don’t whatsoever. I just really like being alone and I’d rather stay at home alone than go on a date. It’s so weird that all of my past feelings and how I’ve acted really ties up to this.
I hear ya man! It’s wild how understanding this really helps put things into perspective. Glad you found my video(s) helpful! Preciate you watching and sharing some of your story! ♥️
thank you so much for being here and talking about all these topics! as for myself, i very much relate to your experience - as soon as i found out what being aromantic is, it just clicked and i realized that THIS is who i am, this is why i never could understand what's the point of romantic relationships. but i have somehow never thought about the "perks" of being aromantic? i mean, i never really regretted not feeling romantic love, i have never been jealous of my alloromantic friends, but i also never felt like there were real advantages to being aro. when you mentioned it in your videos i was surprised how much sense it actually made! i am very happy knowing that there are so many people who experience similar things - and i am thankful to you for bringing us all together and for creating this channel, where people - even alloromantic and those who only begin realizing their aromanticism - can learn more about aromantics!
Поднебесный so glad you found my videos helpful! It’s been so fun to share and hear peoples experience and help them find some answers and community! Thanks for watching and sharing some luv
I just sat here and watched nearly all of your videos. As I’ve matured and grown, I am now unbecoming and redefining myself...within this new frame of self though I found myself 9 years into a relationship with 2 children so I have no idea how to express this to my partner nor how to move forward from this point on. On a spiritual note, the closer I get to divinity, the less I desire romance. I look back at my life and I literally was no good at it to the point I had to do research on “how to love”...this realization is liberating. I appreciate you for this 🤟🏾.
I recently discovered that I was aromantic last month while talking to a friend (who is aro/ace) and ended a two year relationship sadly. It was hard but finding out what aromantic was made me feel better. Also you saying I'm not broken or a robot honestly made me cry cause I have felt that way in every relationship I've ever had. Or get called an ice queen/ heartless during a break up. Your vids have helped me so much in the past month, thank you so much. much love of the platonic kind to you friend 💖
To be honest I just realized I am in the aromantic spectrum a week ago so it's still a bit new to me. I realized because I tried to date a guy who had a crush on me, and because I had a 'squish' on him I agreed. I figured the Friday and needed the weekend to think about it and even though I knew I wasn't in love, I still wanted to try. But it took me 2 days of dating to know that it wasn't my thing, and even the 'cute couple things' made me cringe and grossed me out, it was almost a physical reaction. I already know I am pansexual and I'm aware of the LGBTQ+ community, that's why when my mind made the hypothesis that I may be aromantic I had a whole identity crisis. Tbh I'm not surprised that I'm arospec because I never understood why people were so obsessed with romantic love and always thought it was overrated (+ my repulsion over romantic attraction already happened to me a couple of times). At fist I was relieved, because it explained so many things about myself and made me realize that I'm valid and normal, but now that I'm past that stage I can't say I'm not disappointed that I may never find 'Love', the one society keeps saying is amazing. I think I want to date, but not fall in love : just find a partner to do all the 'couple things' with but without the romance. For now I identify as greyromantic or lithromantic because if I say that I'm totally aromantic, I feel like I would close the door to romance forever. What's worse is that I like romance in novels, series, etc but I just don't like it when I'm involved. Anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk ! Have a wonderful day !
Damn, thanks for all the videos and insights in being aromantic! I actually have no idea if I'm aromantic or not, because I never had a real relationship before so I actually don't really know how I would behave or feel in one. I don't actually feel a need for it, but am not repulsed either, just like dating itself. I haven't really done it, wouldn't mind doing but also wouldn't mind not doing. I have never fallen in love (except with fictional characters lol), and can't really understand the difference between romantic love and platonic one, I always thought or felt about a partner as someone who is like your best friend who you have sex with (when you're not asexual). I very recently had my first romantic experience with someone I really like, and in this moment everything was fine, but shortly after that I felt such a strong repulsion against this person I didn't know what had happened. I still really liked this person but the thought or the actions of being in a relationship were just so unnerving that I just didn't want to see that person at all anymore, which was such a strange feeling. Fortunately this person was really considerate and sensitive and now we're just friends again which is so much more comfortable for me. I thought I was just afraid of intimacy or a relationship because I never had one before (and because all of my friends/family around me told me so), and that of course still could be true, but after watching your videos I'm quite relieved that there is another option at least. I guess I still have to try things out. But I'm really happy that I found your channel!
you are literally so amazing and helpful and I’ve been binge watching all of your videos🥺 I just recently realized that I’m aromantic and your videos are so comforting to watch so thank youuu💖
1:32 For me, I was in denial for a long time, because I didn't exactly want it to be true? Like it's like announcing that I'm shallow, and only want people for their bodies(I know it's not like that now), so I was coming to any conclusion BUT the correct one. Also, I love cuddling (with my friends), and kissing is fine under some circumstances (sexual ones), so I also assumed I wasn't really aromantic, and I was just trying to be special. But, as a joke, my friend told me to do a tarot reading about how gay I am, and the cards told me exactly this. I don't even know if i believe in tarot, the history is interesting, and i like the idea of energy, but anyways, it put it right in front of me so i had to at least acknowledge it, and all I'm trying to say, is don't beat yourself up because you won't want what society wants of you. Since I googled "aromantic but not asexual" and came across this channel, and accepted it, my head has been more peaceful. I can just enjoy life without trying to force warm fluttery feelings with various boyfriends and girlfriends.
Thanks so much for sharing. I def know how it can feel to face the expectations we had for ourselves and learn it may not look how we wanted. But I also know the relief of accepting who we are and the peace of mind that comes along with it. I appreciate you watching and commenting ♥️
Omg! I've been thinking of the effort idea you mentioned! It seems like a relief to hear it. People keep telling me I am too independent. But loneliness is something that washes over me, late in the night
Hey, I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm romance repulsed Aromantic, in about the last month or so (but deep down I'd known much much longer but hadn't admitted it to myself). Part of the reason for that is that it hurts so much seeing others around me be in love, it feels like a stab to the chest every time I think about it, and while I feel a lot less pressure to have to engage with that since taking the Aro label, the thought that I'm unable to love still hurts me on a very deep level. I'm not sure how to make that pain go away. That being said, watching these videos has been helping me a lot with coming to terms with who I am, so thanks for making them.
I've just rediscovered your channel and I'm so glad I did! I first watched one of your videos about a year and a half ago when I first realised that I was aro and I was lowkey devastated, and I remember your video helping me feel a bit better about it. I've definitely come to terms about being aro now and I feel so much happier about it, so it's nice to remember the progress I've made!
Hello! I recently discovered the term on accident more or less. I actually have been in more than 3 relationships in my life that lasted more than 6 months and by the end I wasn’t able to focus on anything else and it felt like someone was trying to drown me. I started working a lot on myself as I thought I just had some traumas from my childhood. My longest relationship was almost 2 years and I was devastated when it ended because I lost my best friend. I felt horrible for not being able to keep a monogamous relationship and thought I needed validation from others too much and that’s why the relationship felt like a trap. The thing is that I never realized that it was because of my wishes. I was picking the tiniest pieces I don’t like and kept pushing on this one thing actually in hope the other person ends the relationship because than it’s not my fault. Maybe I knew all along but I kept pushing it away because the idea of having someone seemed nice but for me close friends fill this part perfectly. I love being close with people! And I love so fast (maybe because friendly love is the highest love for me). There are so many aspects of Aromanticism that feel so familiar and right to me but I got to admit that at least once a day I’m not sure it’s the right term. While growing up I never dreamed of a family; more recently I developed the wish to have a family but I don’t see myself with a romantic partner There. I don’t want to share my bed every single night. Actually it’s not really about the bed it’s more about my room because there is someone else who turns the lights on and off. I’m still in the discovering process but I wanted to say thank you! Your videos are of huge help to me and I hope you keep making them. I’d love to hear from other people their experiences so maybe you could invite some other aros that you know and talk to them? Thank you again!
I’m starting to think I’m aromantic. I’ve known for a long time that I’m pansexual, but I never really felt romantic connections with people, and never really felt like I wanted it either. It’s something I struggle to accept, due to the purity culture of my upbringing. I’m glad I discovered this about myself, but I’m also struggling to accept it. I really appreciate this video.
I can understand it can be frustrating to accept but there’s alot if freedom and even joy to be had once you accept it if you are aro. Just to know oneself is so freeing. Hope you find some conform and guidance in my videos and wish you luck with your journey of self discovery ♥️ thanks for watching and sharing!
Its been pretty mixed for me once I realized that I'm aro. I was definitely relieved to put a name to the feelings I was having (or not having, I suppose) and to know I'm not alone has been... honestly the best part of this whole process. Then I thought I must be asexual too but that never sat right with me. You're videos really helped in the regard. A lot. And now, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what a long term relationship with someone else might look like for me. Because... I mean, the concept IS nice. But if the other person ever shows any romantic interest in me, I'm going to get really turned off. It's weird to think I want the relationship at the beginning of the friends with benefits movie, not the one at the end. I'm still trying to accept that, but I think I'm getting close. Keep up the good work, man. We need more people on this website talking about this kind of stuff. Because I dont know where I would be without it. 😊
I would think it would be infinitely easier to find a platonic friend that wants to travel to the same places as you than it would be to find a romantic partner that does. You can have many friends at one time. You can typically only have one (or few) at a time.
I had never considered aromanticism and umm.. is this me? But I have crushes on people? Big deep ones .. but like.. when you say that you could be friends like .. YES .. I want super awesome close friendships and maybe a smooch every now and then..
Kevin Marshall I was confused cuz you wrote “he’s got good points” instead of saying “you have good points” if you were addressing me. Anyways, thanks for watching! Hopefully if you watched this far you’re getting a better understanding of people that are aromantic and asexual. It isn’t mental illness nor intimacy issues nor becuase their bad at sex. We’re just a different. Everyone’s a little different man. No two people are exactly the same. Aromantic and asexual people are just on an extreme end of the spectrum than most people are.
I just have a question. Do you ever feel like you'll end up lonely? Like you'll grow up and have all your friends get into romantic relationships and you'll fade into the background and end up regretting not getting into a relationship? I feel like that alot. I have also been with someone and it was really intense but it died down pretty soon at least on my part it sorr of faded away. I sometimes miss what we shared and everytime that happens I keep asking myself if I'm really on the spectrum or I'm just kidding myself... Thanks for the channel and the information.
I hope you dont mind the comment/reply But I feel the same sometimes. Yes, I have a partner but I also sometimes feel "am I good enough for him?" "Why cant I love him like everyone loves?" I ask myself these daily and the only thing that reminds me that I am allowed to feel like this is because I know, not matter what, we will be there for each other. At the end of the day, it's your choice if you want to try again and be in a relationship. No one is gonna force you. You take time and figure out what you want. If you wanna date again, that fine. If you wanna date a friend platonically, great, you do what you want. Anything is possible when if your own life. No one is going to live it except for you. I wish you luck for the future and whatever it has planned for you. Or what you have planned for it :)
Judy Ngure I don’t ever see myself ever feeling regret over not having a relationship because I’d honestly probably feel even worse being in one. But I do sometimes think about some of the what ifs, like what if all of my close friends find partners and then suddenly I’m second best?
Judy Ngure tbh I’m relatively introverted and enjoy my alone time. I rarely if ever feel “lonely” and in the times that I REALLY feel lonely I can hit up friends and make friends. Even if its friends in relationships we can usually find time to make plans to hang. But I can understand everyone’s not like me and feeling the need for companionship even if its platonic so I guess I’d probably recommend you to just date and be specific about what you’re looking for. Find a friend that is ace and or aro too. Or maybe find a friend that might be down to build together and they can get whatever needs you cant fulfil for them from dating casually like an open relationship. Relationships can be whatever you make of them you just need to define what you want and find someone compatible! Best of luck! Thanks for watching and commenting
I have a hard time with this. It's all very new to me and after hearing some of the stories in the comments and the comparisons it's hard to deny. I am the 4th and must have a son named after me to get my inheritance. I think this expectation has had me assuming that there was no ather way on top of being raised a christian (I think it's a cult now though).
I'm still questioning, I've known for some time that I'm on the ace spectrum, but I definitely thought that I was romantic. I'm not so sure anymore, especially after finding your channel. I once dated a guy for a month or so, he lived in a different city, so we'd see each other only on the weekends. I broke up with him because I felt trapped and sick and like I was about to suffocate. I didn't have the courage to tell him that back then, so I was a bit of a jerk to him. I barely managed to break up with him after working towards that for a week.
O!ivenmann sounds very similar to my experience as an aromantic person. Definitely feel that trapped and sick feeling. Breaking up always was the wooorst and I get the inclination to be kind of a jerk because If your partner is mad at you and maybe even does something rude it make it easier to break up instead of just breaking up with them and hurtin them. You can absolutely still date as an aro and ace person, you just have to know what it is your looking for/capable of and make sure you’re upfront about that stuff with any potential partner! There’s so many people out here all with specific needs and wants so its really just about finding someone else with similar wants and needs! Very doable! Thanks so much for watching and sharing! Give me a follow if you care to see more videos on the topic!
I'm in a really complicated situation right now. I know that I don't experience as much romantic attraction as the average person, but I'm not sure to what extent. Demiromantic? Greyromantic?? Maybe fully aromantic??? I don't know. I came to the conclusion last year (my junior year) that I was going to be single for the rest of my life, and I was okay with that. In fact, I was much happier than I'd been in a while. Then about a month ago, a close friend of mine, who I used to think I had a crush on, confessed to me, and I accepted, thinking I still had the crush. But a few weeks in, I started questioning my sexuality again. I thought I liked them, but I realized I feel the same way about them as I do my other friends and my family. And so now I have conflicting feelings over whether I should stay with them or not. Part of me wants my single life back, but I don't want to hurt them. And I know I can still stay with them (especially since I want a family someday and not as a single parent), but I don't know... For so long I've wanted a romantic relationship, but every time I get the chance, and even now that I have a true chance, I want to back out. I hate it.
BlurryfaceKittykat your situation and feelings sound very familiar. I too wanted the whole relationship thing but every time I tried I realized it just wasn’t for me. I definitely always wanted the freedom of single life. More than just wanted, I literally needed it. I was just never remotely comfortable being some’s boyfriend needing to return the romantic affection. I physically mentally and emotionally couldn’t do it as much as In my head I “thought” thats what I wanted. But being single was way better for me and I found if it as honest and upfront about the things I did want (like casual dating and sex but staying friend) I could find other partners that were ok with that and my life was so much better. I could have my cake and eat it too. As far as having a family, I feel that for sure. My initial plan was to find another friend that was down to coparent with. We wouldn’t be together we just would raise a kid(s) together so I could still live as I wanted (needed) and still get what I wanted. As luck would have it I’ve recently met an aromantic woman and after months of maintaining casually hooking up and being friends we’ve found our wants and needs are well aligned so we recently decided to try a queer platonic relationship (meaning we’re together but its non traditional) we’re open so we can see other people, neither of us can do romantic feelings or want them from one another. Its really just a friends with benefits kinda thing but we’ve agreed to sort of build something together where we could maybe have kids and whatnot. This is really new for me and I’m excited to see how it goes! My main point in all this is what I said in one of these videos: relationships can be a la carte! You can figure out exactly which parts of a relationship you want and need and which parts hinder your happiness or require too much sacrifice from you and then communicate them clearly to potential partners. Sure, this will limit potential partners because many will require the romantic part or monogamy or whatever your limitations are but the ones you DO find will be far better partners for you in the long run! You can determine exactly what it is your comfortable with and just leave yourself open to finding them. For me (like yourself) I was 10000% fine being alone. I date casually and hook up with friends I have that sort of connection with and all my needs were met. I had no desire for a relationship and wasn’t not actively looking. But having met my current partner, our wants and needs are so perfectly aligned I dont have to sacrifice or compromise in ways that will weigh on me and I dont need to feel like I’m not enough or disappointing my partner. You can definitely do the same. I obviously dont know you or your partner but if your just staying with them because you dont want to hurt them and you want a family and you think thats your only option, it sounds like yall shouldn’t be together. Sounds like y’all will both be compromising and eventually will end up unhappy after a while. But this is based purely on the small glimpse you’ve given here so dont take my word as the end all be all. Just know you can find other people that won’t make you feel like you “want back out” cuz you’ll barley feel like youre “in” something to begin with. Or it just wont feel so restrictive. You can be yourself
A really big benefit of being aromantic in my opinion is you don’t have to feel miserable about being single. The loneliness many people feel over not being able to find a romantic partner can be far worse than the loneliness you get from not being able to find a sexual partner. I’m sure some even feel suicidal over it! I could probably stay single throughout my whole life and not feel the tiniest bit of loneliness over it. Then again it depends on the person I suppose, but that’s how I feel at least.
Nasexsav Kifs BIG agree. Being single is lit af. I totally love my alone time! I dunno if thats the same for all or most aro’s but most the ones I know are very satisfied with being alone and dont feel that pang of loneliness that alloromantic folks seem to feel so I definitely agree 🙌🏽
I myself was relieved to learn about being aromantic. I never felt a ‘connection’ to anyone I dated, even my long term partner that I had a child with. I realized after that I was forcing myself to commit to something I was never actually emotionally invested in. I am now sooo happy enjoying my life with my child and not having to worry about a partner. I feel freer knowing my true self and look forward to enjoying my best life knowing i will be complete with myself. Thanks for all the great words!! 💜
Jessica Elder I tried forcing myself but it never worked for long. I could always tell within a few weeks that whatever was “supposed” to happen between me and a partner definitely was not happening and not only was it not happening but the OPPOSITE was happening as I was being repulsed. Definitely found life and dating so much more rewarding once I figured this stuff out about myself.
I just got out of a 3 year relationship. I just learned I'm Aromantic about 2 weeks ago. He broke up with me the next day. Which is his choice. I just cant give him what he needs. Every relationship Ive had Ive told them I loved them. But on the inside I felt disconnected. When I learned about Aromanticism it was like the world snapped into place. Boom. That's it. I'm not broken. Im not a Robot. We're just different.
Sarah Bell 1000% understand. I know what its like to not be able to offer what a partner needs. I tried SOOO hard to give it to them and knew I was coming up short. But as you said, learning I was aro totally just snapped everything into perfect perspective and having been able to reflect on myself and prospect I was able to come to this mentality and make videos like this. We aren’t broken just a little different and can still have whatever we want without sacrificing our mental health or doing things we’re uncomfortable with! Thanks so much for watching and sharing your story! Def give me a follow if you care to see more vids on the topic!
I’m proud to be a aromantic gay man. It’s a part of me and I’m proud of that!
Yooo I'm an aromantic lesbian
Hey. I've known theoretically that the arospec is a thing, but I've always seen it along with the acespec, which I know I'm not a part of; I've known I'm bisexual forever, and love reading sugary books, but being in romantic relationships always made me so, so uncomfortable. But, despite having my depression on full force in hose situations, I always added being friends + being attracted to someone = mandatory romance. I felt robotic, broken, for not really getting why people get upset when I break up with someone and truly want to be friends, or for never imagining romance in future plans.
So, today I read a random internet post talking specifically about the aromantic spectrum, and started crying halfway through it, because apparently I'm not broken, and this is such a giant weight being taken off my chest. Hell, I was typing the comment and listening to you, and "you're not a robot" made me laugh in glee. I have no idea where the spectrum I'm at, and this is one of the big reasons for searching youtube on the topic. But the validation of someone actually saying out loud things I've felt without understanding kinda makes the whole thing feel real, and stops the tangent of arguments my brain is already starting to form against the idea that, well, apparently there is a word for the way I feel.
Damn, but this comment is a giant mess. I write for a living, which makes the sheer idea of reading through an emotional and relieved ramble a nightmare, and I'm currently too happy to worry about grammar or structure. Sorry. But... Thanks. Really.
I totally know what it’s like to get these “ah hah” moments and feel validated so no worries on the big comments! Honestly I really love when people take time to write out their experience because it felt like for so long I’d never meet anyone who shared mine so it’s comforting and fun to find more people who are similarly unique. So happy you’re finding my videos helpful! Thanks so much for sharing your experience and some love ❤️
Romantic relationships have never been on my mind even before I found out I'm aro. The future I've always pictured for myself even before I figured this out is me adopting a kid when I'm financially stable and living with all my friends and spending our time just hanging out and cooking (aka, no romantic partner). I've accepted myself and my label, but there's always that tiny, little voice that's saying 'what if you're wrong?'. I'm still young, and I've never dated. I approach everything with an 'if you've never tried it, how do you know you don't like it' mentality, but the thought of pursuing a romantic relationship and actually trying it out sounds exhausting.
i don't know what to think and it doesn't help that the resources for the aromantic are so few and in between. So thank you for putting out these videos, i really appreciate it.
Same I’ve never seen my future self with anyone just a group of good friends and good vibes
Ivy Dignity its certainly worth while keeping an open mind but I definitely know what you mean that there’s just no real desire to even try. Don’t try it if it doesn’t make you happy but also dont shut down an opportunity simply because you think it wont work out. Just go with the flow and communicate openly and honestly and you’ll be fine
Hello Ivy, are you literally me? I think this may be the closest I’ve come to finding another person that completely understands the wanting to live with friends forever, and even coparenting a child platonically! We can just have the people we love all together. I feel like if someone asked me to join a cult that had a communal living space, I would definitely join 😂 Thanks for being so relatable!
I am really glad I found your channel! I have only used the label "aromantic" a few times, usually when people ask about whether I am in a relationship I just say that I'm single. Then they want to know why and my answer is "I just don't fall in love" (I really liked your video about this!).
I agree that there are many pros on being aromantic: I hate seeing my friends in bad relationships, heartbroken about a breakup, or desperately trying to find a husband, just because they feel incomplete without a partner. I've never felt like that. I am glad that we live in an age and society where I can live - and live well! - on my own. I get annoyed when every piece of entertainment seems to need a romantic subplot, and when people who don't know me assume that I am unhappy on my own. And right now I am a bit disappointed because for the first time in years, my friend doesn't want to go on vacation with me - guess what, she's got a new boyfriend...
No life is perfect, not for aromantics and not for "ideal couples", but I am grateful for my life, for my friends and family, for the time and energy that I can use to whatever purpose I choose. I try to make the world a better place in little ways, I do charity work and people around me know they can alway rely on me for help or an open ear. I think I am a good person, I know I am a happy person, I know I am not broken.
Barbara 165 I definitely get super tired with the forced romantic plots in everything. If its natural or helps the story I’m down but its so forced and unnecessary in so many stories. And I personally love using the term aromantic. I find when I used to just say “I dont fall in love” or “I dont do relationships” people think I’m choosing It or I havn’t met the right one etc. they have some frame of reference for what those words mean so they just come up with their own ideas what I’m experiencing which is usually not accurate. So by using the term “aromantic” its a new term they are entirely unfamiliar with so they’re more open to really creating a new idea of what a person can be and more able to understand me. As for friends getting into relationships and leaving us, yea that can happen but its cool cuz I like being alone haha. We can still be happy and whole. Thanks so much for watching and sharing
I was battling depression and almost committed suicide because of self-hatred, combined with intense loathing of being gay. I got a little better through therapy, and learning about being aromantic really took a lot of weight off my shoulders. I told the therapist I was starving myself only to fail in attaining the "ideal body" acceptable in the world of dating and sex (in which I was a loser of generally, in the grand scheme of things). But then the doctor asked, "for what?" That question will haunt me to the grave, I couldn't answer it. I replayed the possibility of wanting to have a partner, but no matter how hard I try *it just does not make sense*. It seems that heteronormativity and toxic masculinity in gay spaces have gone into my head severely that I almost killed myself. Thank you, Nik, for shining this light in my dark life. You made me feel something that those dating apps have never done for me ever: belong. Being on your own CAN be enough, or even better.
KSDT SubFil wow thank you so much for sharing. That sounds so difficult and I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this. I’m glad my videos helped. I definitely love being alone. I think being aro really does allow you to feel fulfilled on your own. It can definitely take some work to shake the heteronormative and toxic masculinity and even just the normal idea of people/love of “I need to have a partner”. Society often looks at people who go long periods of time without partners as if there’s something wrong with them but how many people do you know that are constantly miserable jumping from relationship to relationship with horrible ex stories and baby mommas and dead beat dads etc. its all so messy so honestly being aromantic has felt like a blessing. I’ve just felt so relieved to have never really dealt with any of that and found great comfort in just being on my own. If/when I do want someone in my life I call a friend and we spend time together and then when I’m ready to be alone again, I leave! Its all on my time and I just feel so grateful to be able to do that and I’m sure you can too! My life motto is always “do more of what I like and less of what I dont”. Stop doing things for other people or because you think thats what people expect of you and just do what feels right to you and keep doing that as much as possible until your feeling happy more often than sad
I recently told my mum that I was greyromantic. She said "maybe you ahvent met the right person yet." It kinda annoyed me because it felt like she wasn't listening. After that she thought I broke up with my boyfriend because of it, I hadn't, we are both really happy. But growing up I never really got relationship. Like I never saw the point, all that time and energy for years, and for what? It just seemed like a waste. I see the point in being romantic and putting on a dig date or whatever but it just feel like a wasted effort for a one night thing, you know. In secondary school people would ask me "oh, who do you like?" And at the time I woudl think "I dont like anyone." But I've said that before and people look at me weirdly, like I had to like someone. So if people asked me I'd just say "yes" and be done with it. I've had teacher say that "boys act silly because they like you." And I was always like "no thank you!" (They were never my type anyways lol) I'd wat h day one nd day out people get together and like weeks later break up, I was always like "why get together?" I didn't hate the idea of a relationship, I just didnt want be in one for a long time and have it come to nothing. And I do see why people go in these short term relationships but at the same I don't. Like why do people give themselves away like that to only be heartbroken? I don understand now. I mean, people will be people. I just want to remind whoever reading this that, you are the only you. You can decide your own decision. You can only control your life. Being you is all that anyone asks, even if they dont like it. Be accepted is all what anyone and everyone wants. This might mean something to you or not but whatever/whoever you are, I accept and I am proud of you. Your doing amazing! Keep it up! Don't be worried about anyone else or what anyone else thinks. keep going :)
fearless_OP _Player yes! So true! Everyone just needs to be true to themselves whatever that may be as long as they are respecting their partners. Labels can certainly help people but certainly shouldn’t be the focus of how one finds and defines themselves. Thank you for watching and sharing this love and positivity
im just 16 but everything u said about all ur aromantic videos i can definitely relate. ive always felt left out when my friends have boyfriends , date or talk to their crushes and i wonder why i never had that or to pursue that. i felt left out not because of peer pressure but the pressure i put on myself because supposedly thats the thing i should want. everyones always interested in my love life and if i liked this guy back or not but u never found it interesting. i tried to talk to multiple people of different genders but they ended up “falling in love” with me first and i just simply dont. i feel so uncomfortable in situations like that and i stop and tell myself “isnt this what u wanted? u wanted someone so bad and when ure in the situation u supposedly “wanted” to be in , you want nothing else but to get out of it. why? “ and its a reoccuring problem. i guess i just have too much faith in love and i should accept that its not for everyone but then again maybe im too young :)
s o p h i e a verrrry relatable problem for sure. I was definitely of the same mindset of like “oh this is what I want right?” And then I’d get it and be like “uuuhh... change my mind.” The idea of it seems far better than what it actually feels like. Took me years of dating to consider “wait... maybe when I like a person and want to spend time with them or get to know them or even want to have sex with them... thats all I want. Maybe I don’t actually want the relationship part. Maybe I just want friendship. Because THAT always feels good. I never have a problem with my friends. I never feel these repulsed feelings. That’s when I started thinkin outside the box and when I finally heard the term aromantic is was like “holy shit thats it!” So yea, maybe you are a little young and should keep the option open to maybe give it a try if things feel right but just keep communications open with any potential partners on how you are feeling and definitely don’t force anything.
Love the "love you guys... as friends" lol
But really I gotta say I'm so glad I found this RUclips channel bc now I get to have a sense of community & I feel like some people actually don't just imagine how I feel but actually feel similar things. I've come to terms with being on the aro spectrum a few years ago but I've never really heard anyone talk about aro experiences, especially not as sth positive. Plus since it's a small community still we get to interact more personally.
And now I get to refer people to the videos when I dont feel like explaining everything ✌ that's nice bc my friends are all really understanding & open but sometimes I just dont feel like explaining things over & over again.
nina P I 1000% know what you mean. This has been such a fun experience to get to tell my own story and experience and also encourage people to share theirs. I loooove when people share their own stories and reading how other people have experienced being aro. It’s fascinating and warms me to feel connected in a way that used to make me feel so alone. I definitely used to get tired of explaining it over and over again too which was why I made the first video and now we’re here! So thanks for watching! I got more videos comin so stay tuned!
I really appreciate these videos that you make! There is so little representation and (positive) information on aromanticism, especially not while being allosexual. I feel like almost everyone who talks about aromanticism is also asexual and for some reason they talk about their asexuality way more - which is obviously very valid, but I'm so glad to finally hear someone I can relate to. I was never really sure if this is the label that fits me but I really relate to a lot of the things you talk about, so thank you! I love the way you talk about being aro, it makes me see the beautiful and positive things about it and that there are still so many different paths I can choose, even if I don't end up in a hetero monogamous relationship.
Maika S. So glad my videos have been helpful! I agree most of the content I’ve seen have been mostly the ACE more than ARO stuff so I figured I’d make my own and I’m so stoked to see so many out here finding and responding to it!
I am aroace, but I've also wondered why so many aroace stuff focuses a lot more to asexuality than aromanticism. Personally aromanticism affects my life more than asexuality bc sexual life is often quite private thing and if I don't tell about it, nobody knows bc rarely anyone asks (atleast in my life). But me being single is much more visible and raises more questions which for some reason are considered acceptable to ask. I wish to see more aro content in the future, fortunately Nik's videos exist.
I'm so glad I found this channel. It is great to have this perspective since romantic attraction seems to get eclipsed and bundled into sexual attraction most of the time, even in the asexual community where it is more understood to be a different thing. While I am asexual as well, as a female living in a heavily Christian area I've found that a lot of the more blatant pressure that I've faced has been to be romantic rather than sexual, to the point that one of the responses I got from coming out was basically "No females want sex, they endure sex for their husband. How could you not want a husband?" I believe that those sorts of gendered expectations are why asexuality and aromanticism are so hard for people to understand; they border on stereotypes that are taken for granted. While this language isn't used media tends to portray "normal hetero" females as asexual heteroromantic and "normal hetero" males as heterosexual aromantic until "fixed" by finding his "soulmate" in the girl who challenges him and is able to "fix" him. It doesn't help that most coming of age stories do the same thing. A girl becomes a woman when she finds a boyfriend or gets married, and a boy becomes a man when he gets laid.
While I'm coming to terms with being on the aro/ace spectrum (I'm demisexual) I realized it was brought upon me to want marriage and kids. I still love the idea of a partner, but don't want kids, and not even necessarily a romantic partner, but someone I can he intimate with, not even sexually but like... Physical affection? If that makes sense. Though I think a part that may play into all of this for me is religious upbringing and such. It's so wacky cause I'm still trying to sort through what I've been conditioned to believe and what I really am.
Slowly finding out more and more that I really go against a lot of things. It's scary, but I'm glad I'm starting to find myself, thanks to you.
Sterling crooked corner Self exploration is so important when figuring out what we actually want. We just kinda automatically assume we want the standard options but I think so many of us really want different things and its not until we can shake off the feeling like we’re quote,unquote “normal” we can stop and honestly ask ourselves “what do I actually like. What am I actually looking for?” So glad I could help
@@nikhampshire yeah, and thank you! I'm still confused but I don't want to think about putting a label on my sexuality because of how confusing it is, I'm just not focusing on it, bit it's helped so much that you're here to help guide me through this, to have some kind of community since there seems to not be a very big one
I was singing a song that goes "love, I'm in love agaaaaaaaain" because it was on the radio and my mom asked me "when will you sing that non ironicaly" and I was just laughing nervously in closeted aromantic
Hahaha how funny! 🤣
This made me think a lot on how I found out the moment where aro fit, it was when I was a kid and I told my mom I wanted to marry a best friend and I meant it as that, just a best friend. When I got older I found out what that meant, if anyone in my life needs to understand aromatic Iam ganna show them your channel!!!
Ayyy! Thats part of why I make this! As a resource for people to connect to and share with others to help explain what they might have an issue explaining for themselves. Let em know!
These videos are so validating and you're so good at articulating all of this. It's really comforting, thank you.
This meant so much to me, thank you!!! Just discovered that I a m pretty sure I'm aro today so the acceptance is needed. Friendships are definitely so important to me that I'm reminding myself that my life is full of love, just a different kind
as always great video! can highkey relate to this.
Rushda Shaikh thanks for watching and the love
My partner of 7 years just recently came out as aromantic, which was a huge relief!!! For so long I felt like I was playing tennis with a brick wall. We had always been poly, so every new relationship she developed resulted in a strange competition that tainted the compersion I simultaneously felt. Adding the label allowed me to realize that I'm not unlovable. And now I want to help people that are already in relationships with aromantic people navigate.
Wow that’s amazing! Never occured to me the relief a partner could feel in learning this about their partner but totally makes sense! Thanks for watching and sharing! ♥️
Absolutely! Thank you for these videos. A huge help! @@nikhampshire
Your vids have given me the biggest realizations. Thank you! 🙏🏻💕
“I love you guys. As friends” love that 😂 💕
Nik your videos have been a light to me this weekend. I feel like I finally figured out what is “wrong” with me, but nothing is in fact wrong with me. I felt a great deal of relief, i want to learn more about the benefits and continue to live in my truth.
Can’t tell you how much I love seeing messages like these. As someone who felt broken or wrong for a while I know what it feels like to feel that relief and I love helping others find it. I have a video called “acceptance” that discusses some of the advantages to being aro In my opinion. Check it out and let me know what ya think! Have fun on you’re journey and thanks for leaving some luv on the page
So, I'm just figuring this out. I think I've heard about Aromanticism a long time ago, but never really looked into it, but I recently stopped pushing some thoughts away and finally allowed myself to be the non-binary person I am, and with that, a lot of blocked thoughts started to spill out of my brain and with this pandemic going on I had way too much time to think about myself and get to know me better.
I'm 21, and for so long I just thought "is not that I'm not interested in people, they are not interested in me, so I'm just preserving myself from feeling things", and I truly believed this. I also never thought I was Aro because I had what looked like crushes before. 5 times. 3 during middle school and 2 during high school. (2 guys, 3 girls -I'm bi) But as soon as I started to actually getting to know them, that feeling would rapidly be lost. And tbh, I just liked one of them because she looked like Kristen Stewart and I was a kid that liked Twilight a lot.
It's really interesting the thing you say about "what you really want", because I thought about that, what I want for life long term, and to me that is so interesting, because I've seen some lesbian representation of couples growing up and I thought "That's what I want. What they have is beautiful." and I would see most straight couple and be kinda grossed out, which made me think I was actually not Bi. I'm very grossed out by most romance representations in tv and in life too, but not when was 2 girls or two guys, so I though, "ok, maybe I'm just gay", but realistically, I still had attraction to males and masculine people. And I often feel attraction to people, regardless of their sexes or genders, but as soon as I talk to them, is like the attraction falls flat, and that's kinds horrible, because I feel like I want that connection and the touch, but at the same time I don't. And it's one of the reasons why I'm still a virgin. I had/have the opportunity to have sex whenever, and it's not like I think my virginity is something precious, but I don't just wanna have sex because. I want a little bit more, and feels like is lacking for me. I want a little more connection, and yet, I don't get connected/attached.
I do a lot of Maladaptive Daydreaming, and I dream about so many fantastic things. I dream about superpowers, and being pirate, and love, and romance, and kids... and that romance part of my daydreams are so nice, and yet if you ask what I really want in life, I'll immediately tell you I want a country house, not too far from the city, but far enough I don't see cars or hear them, with a big space so I can grow crops, chickens and have a basically a cat shelter. Love and romance is not something I seem to want long term, and I definitely don't want kids. Right now I feel like I want someone, and i think "for what?", and is only for my own well being when I feel lonely, maybe make out a bit, maybe have sex, and that's it. Purely selfish and no romantic thoughts in sight. I used to think I was going crazy, for real, because I'm a loving caring person, so why couldn't I realistically think about caring and loving someone that wasn't family or friend?
I'm still new at this aromantic thing, and honestly I'm not even sure about it, but your channel is really helping me understand a few things. ♡
sorry for the long text
I was honestly relieved. It was like the fog finally lifted. It felt so good. I'm not broken. I didn't understand how I couldn't figure out how to successfully have a romantic relationship. I think I felt something, go for it, and every time I'd get that strong NOPE feeling almost instantly. I couldn't do it. I felt so broken, like why can't I do this? What is wrong with me? By the time I was in my mid 20s I'd given up, just accepted that I was "broken". It felt so much better being single, and the thought of trying to start a relationship made me feel sick and give me anxiety. I'm 33 now and other people were my biggest problems. They would be so concerned or find it so weird that I was constantly single. When I was sitting here happy, like what's the problem? I'm sure a lot of people think I'm gay. I just couldn't really explain myself or have a word for it. I just discovered the term "Aromantic" like 2 weeks ago and it's been amazing. I feel so much better knowing others are like me. I have a sense of pride now. So I'm similar to you I knew what I was and accepted it, even without a term. So finding the term Aromantic was awesome. Great videos!
I just came to the conclusion that I’m Aromantic. I really appreciate your videos, especially as a heterosexual aromantic man.
I’ve tried dating for 5 years after splitting up with my children’s mom because she cheated on me back then. And REALLY thinking about it, I didn’t even feel anything when I found out she did. I split up with her for other reasons mainly, but looking in the past, I thought really good friendship with someone I’m attracted to was romance. But I’ve never felt those butterflies and the “cute” shit always put me off.
I’m tired of people saying I have commitment issues because I don’t whatsoever. I just really like being alone and I’d rather stay at home alone than go on a date. It’s so weird that all of my past feelings and how I’ve acted really ties up to this.
I hear ya man! It’s wild how understanding this really helps put things into perspective. Glad you found my video(s) helpful! Preciate you watching and sharing some of your story! ♥️
thank you so much for being here and talking about all these topics! as for myself, i very much relate to your experience - as soon as i found out what being aromantic is, it just clicked and i realized that THIS is who i am, this is why i never could understand what's the point of romantic relationships. but i have somehow never thought about the "perks" of being aromantic? i mean, i never really regretted not feeling romantic love, i have never been jealous of my alloromantic friends, but i also never felt like there were real advantages to being aro. when you mentioned it in your videos i was surprised how much sense it actually made! i am very happy knowing that there are so many people who experience similar things - and i am thankful to you for bringing us all together and for creating this channel, where people - even alloromantic and those who only begin realizing their aromanticism - can learn more about aromantics!
Поднебесный so glad you found my videos helpful! It’s been so fun to share and hear peoples experience and help them find some answers and community! Thanks for watching and sharing some luv
I just sat here and watched nearly all of your videos. As I’ve matured and grown, I am now unbecoming and redefining myself...within this new frame of self though I found myself 9 years into a relationship with 2 children so I have no idea how to express this to my partner nor how to move forward from this point on. On a spiritual note, the closer I get to divinity, the less I desire romance. I look back at my life and I literally was no good at it to the point I had to do research on “how to love”...this realization is liberating. I appreciate you for this 🤟🏾.
I recently discovered that I was aromantic last month while talking to a friend (who is aro/ace) and ended a two year relationship sadly. It was hard but finding out what aromantic was made me feel better. Also you saying I'm not broken or a robot honestly made me cry cause I have felt that way in every relationship I've ever had. Or get called an ice queen/ heartless during a break up.
Your vids have helped me so much in the past month, thank you so much. much love of the platonic kind to you friend 💖
I love this! We need more aro positivity in this world :D we are strong and independent and cool and we should celebrate it more!
I feel you. this is a blessing
To be honest I just realized I am in the aromantic spectrum a week ago so it's still a bit new to me. I realized because I tried to date a guy who had a crush on me, and because I had a 'squish' on him I agreed. I figured the Friday and needed the weekend to think about it and even though I knew I wasn't in love, I still wanted to try. But it took me 2 days of dating to know that it wasn't my thing, and even the 'cute couple things' made me cringe and grossed me out, it was almost a physical reaction.
I already know I am pansexual and I'm aware of the LGBTQ+ community, that's why when my mind made the hypothesis that I may be aromantic I had a whole identity crisis. Tbh I'm not surprised that I'm arospec because I never understood why people were so obsessed with romantic love and always thought it was overrated (+ my repulsion over romantic attraction already happened to me a couple of times).
At fist I was relieved, because it explained so many things about myself and made me realize that I'm valid and normal, but now that I'm past that stage I can't say I'm not disappointed that I may never find 'Love', the one society keeps saying is amazing. I think I want to date, but not fall in love : just find a partner to do all the 'couple things' with but without the romance. For now I identify as greyromantic or lithromantic because if I say that I'm totally aromantic, I feel like I would close the door to romance forever.
What's worse is that I like romance in novels, series, etc but I just don't like it when I'm involved.
Anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk ! Have a wonderful day !
Damn, thanks for all the videos and insights in being aromantic! I actually have no idea if I'm aromantic or not, because I never had a real relationship before so I actually don't really know how I would behave or feel in one. I don't actually feel a need for it, but am not repulsed either, just like dating itself. I haven't really done it, wouldn't mind doing but also wouldn't mind not doing. I have never fallen in love (except with fictional characters lol), and can't really understand the difference between romantic love and platonic one, I always thought or felt about a partner as someone who is like your best friend who you have sex with (when you're not asexual). I very recently had my first romantic experience with someone I really like, and in this moment everything was fine, but shortly after that I felt such a strong repulsion against this person I didn't know what had happened. I still really liked this person but the thought or the actions of being in a relationship were just so unnerving that I just didn't want to see that person at all anymore, which was such a strange feeling. Fortunately this person was really considerate and sensitive and now we're just friends again which is so much more comfortable for me. I thought I was just afraid of intimacy or a relationship because I never had one before (and because all of my friends/family around me told me so), and that of course still could be true, but after watching your videos I'm quite relieved that there is another option at least. I guess I still have to try things out. But I'm really happy that I found your channel!
you are literally so amazing and helpful and I’ve been binge watching all of your videos🥺
I just recently realized that I’m aromantic and your videos are so comforting to watch so thank youuu💖
1:32 For me, I was in denial for a long time, because I didn't exactly want it to be true? Like it's like announcing that I'm shallow, and only want people for their bodies(I know it's not like that now), so I was coming to any conclusion BUT the correct one. Also, I love cuddling (with my friends), and kissing is fine under some circumstances (sexual ones), so I also assumed I wasn't really aromantic, and I was just trying to be special. But, as a joke, my friend told me to do a tarot reading about how gay I am, and the cards told me exactly this. I don't even know if i believe in tarot, the history is interesting, and i like the idea of energy, but anyways, it put it right in front of me so i had to at least acknowledge it, and all I'm trying to say, is don't beat yourself up because you won't want what society wants of you. Since I googled "aromantic but not asexual" and came across this channel, and accepted it, my head has been more peaceful. I can just enjoy life without trying to force warm fluttery feelings with various boyfriends and girlfriends.
Thanks so much for sharing. I def know how it can feel to face the expectations we had for ourselves and learn it may not look how we wanted. But I also know the relief of accepting who we are and the peace of mind that comes along with it. I appreciate you watching and commenting ♥️
My reaction was pretty much "ohhh makes sense now".
Omg! I've been thinking of the effort idea you mentioned! It seems like a relief to hear it. People keep telling me I am too independent. But loneliness is something that washes over me, late in the night
Love your videos. Always feel relief. And that yellow couch is just fantastic. 🤩
D Fine so glad you watch and they make you feel relief! That’s what I’m here for! I’m also a big fan of the couch 🤗 haha
@@nikhampshire 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
It was definitely a relief for me. I always thought I was just a bitch. Lol..
Nik, thank you you so much for making these videos and showing me that I have so much potential I can achieve.
I love you ❤️ #noromo
Hey, I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm romance repulsed Aromantic, in about the last month or so (but deep down I'd known much much longer but hadn't admitted it to myself). Part of the reason for that is that it hurts so much seeing others around me be in love, it feels like a stab to the chest every time I think about it, and while I feel a lot less pressure to have to engage with that since taking the Aro label, the thought that I'm unable to love still hurts me on a very deep level. I'm not sure how to make that pain go away. That being said, watching these videos has been helping me a lot with coming to terms with who I am, so thanks for making them.
I've just rediscovered your channel and I'm so glad I did! I first watched one of your videos about a year and a half ago when I first realised that I was aro and I was lowkey devastated, and I remember your video helping me feel a bit better about it. I've definitely come to terms about being aro now and I feel so much happier about it, so it's nice to remember the progress I've made!
thanks Nik
Hello!
I recently discovered the term on accident more or less. I actually have been in more than 3 relationships in my life that lasted more than 6 months and by the end I wasn’t able to focus on anything else and it felt like someone was trying to drown me.
I started working a lot on myself as I thought I just had some traumas from my childhood. My longest relationship was almost 2 years and I was devastated when it ended because I lost my best friend. I felt horrible for not being able to keep a monogamous relationship and thought I needed validation from others too much and that’s why the relationship felt like a trap. The thing is that I never realized that it was because of my wishes. I was picking the tiniest pieces I don’t like and kept pushing on this one thing actually in hope the other person ends the relationship because than it’s not my fault. Maybe I knew all along but I kept pushing it away because the idea of having someone seemed nice but for me close friends fill this part perfectly. I love being close with people! And I love so fast (maybe because friendly love is the highest love for me).
There are so many aspects of Aromanticism that feel so familiar and right to me but I got to admit that at least once a day I’m not sure it’s the right term.
While growing up I never dreamed of a family; more recently I developed the wish to have a family but I don’t see myself with a romantic partner There. I don’t want to share my bed every single night. Actually it’s not really about the bed it’s more about my room because there is someone else who turns the lights on and off. I’m still in the discovering process but I wanted to say thank you! Your videos are of huge help to me and I hope you keep making them. I’d love to hear from other people their experiences so maybe you could invite some other aros that you know and talk to them? Thank you again!
I’m starting to think I’m aromantic. I’ve known for a long time that I’m pansexual, but I never really felt romantic connections with people, and never really felt like I wanted it either. It’s something I struggle to accept, due to the purity culture of my upbringing. I’m glad I discovered this about myself, but I’m also struggling to accept it. I really appreciate this video.
I can understand it can be frustrating to accept but there’s alot if freedom and even joy to be had once you accept it if you are aro. Just to know oneself is so freeing. Hope you find some conform and guidance in my videos and wish you luck with your journey of self discovery ♥️ thanks for watching and sharing!
Watching this video made me feel good. Thanks.
Its been pretty mixed for me once I realized that I'm aro. I was definitely relieved to put a name to the feelings I was having (or not having, I suppose) and to know I'm not alone has been... honestly the best part of this whole process. Then I thought I must be asexual too but that never sat right with me. You're videos really helped in the regard. A lot. And now, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what a long term relationship with someone else might look like for me. Because... I mean, the concept IS nice. But if the other person ever shows any romantic interest in me, I'm going to get really turned off. It's weird to think I want the relationship at the beginning of the friends with benefits movie, not the one at the end. I'm still trying to accept that, but I think I'm getting close.
Keep up the good work, man. We need more people on this website talking about this kind of stuff. Because I dont know where I would be without it. 😊
For me, the really bad part of being aromantic is treveling alone (I've got no friends that wanna go to the same places I want)
I would think it would be infinitely easier to find a platonic friend that wants to travel to the same places as you than it would be to find a romantic partner that does. You can have many friends at one time. You can typically only have one (or few) at a time.
One (or a few) romantic partners* at a time.
I had never considered aromanticism and umm.. is this me? But I have crushes on people? Big deep ones .. but like.. when you say that you could be friends like .. YES .. I want super awesome close friendships and maybe a smooch every now and then..
thank you man
More videos please!!
I’ll try! Thanks for the interest! 🙌🏽☺️❤️
Hes got good points on this video about relationships for sure.
Kevin Marshall who are you addressing? This is me haha. And thank you! 🙏🏽
@@nikhampshire yes im addressing you. The stuff about relationships is spot on.
Kevin Marshall I was confused cuz you wrote “he’s got good points” instead of saying “you have good points” if you were addressing me.
Anyways, thanks for watching! Hopefully if you watched this far you’re getting a better understanding of people that are aromantic and asexual. It isn’t mental illness nor intimacy issues nor becuase their bad at sex. We’re just a different. Everyone’s a little different man. No two people are exactly the same. Aromantic and asexual people are just on an extreme end of the spectrum than most people are.
I so appreciate your videos. Much love from a fellow Los Angelian 🤙🏾🌈 (as a friend)
I just have a question. Do you ever feel like you'll end up lonely? Like you'll grow up and have all your friends get into romantic relationships and you'll fade into the background and end up regretting not getting into a relationship? I feel like that alot. I have also been with someone and it was really intense but it died down pretty soon at least on my part it sorr of faded away. I sometimes miss what we shared and everytime that happens I keep asking myself if I'm really on the spectrum or I'm just kidding myself...
Thanks for the channel and the information.
I hope you dont mind the comment/reply
But I feel the same sometimes. Yes, I have a partner but I also sometimes feel "am I good enough for him?" "Why cant I love him like everyone loves?" I ask myself these daily and the only thing that reminds me that I am allowed to feel like this is because I know, not matter what, we will be there for each other. At the end of the day, it's your choice if you want to try again and be in a relationship. No one is gonna force you. You take time and figure out what you want. If you wanna date again, that fine. If you wanna date a friend platonically, great, you do what you want. Anything is possible when if your own life. No one is going to live it except for you. I wish you luck for the future and whatever it has planned for you. Or what you have planned for it :)
Judy Ngure I don’t ever see myself ever feeling regret over not having a relationship because I’d honestly probably feel even worse being in one. But I do sometimes think about some of the what ifs, like what if all of my close friends find partners and then suddenly I’m second best?
Judy Ngure tbh I’m relatively introverted and enjoy my alone time. I rarely if ever feel “lonely” and in the times that I REALLY feel lonely I can hit up friends and make friends. Even if its friends in relationships we can usually find time to make plans to hang. But I can understand everyone’s not like me and feeling the need for companionship even if its platonic so I guess I’d probably recommend you to just date and be specific about what you’re looking for. Find a friend that is ace and or aro too. Or maybe find a friend that might be down to build together and they can get whatever needs you cant fulfil for them from dating casually like an open relationship. Relationships can be whatever you make of them you just need to define what you want and find someone compatible! Best of luck! Thanks for watching and commenting
I love you guy, as a friend too 😆
I have a hard time with this. It's all very new to me and after hearing some of the stories in the comments and the comparisons it's hard to deny. I am the 4th and must have a son named after me to get my inheritance. I think this expectation has had me assuming that there was no ather way on top of being raised a christian (I think it's a cult now though).
I'm still questioning, I've known for some time that I'm on the ace spectrum, but I definitely thought that I was romantic. I'm not so sure anymore, especially after finding your channel. I once dated a guy for a month or so, he lived in a different city, so we'd see each other only on the weekends. I broke up with him because I felt trapped and sick and like I was about to suffocate. I didn't have the courage to tell him that back then, so I was a bit of a jerk to him. I barely managed to break up with him after working towards that for a week.
O!ivenmann sounds very similar to my experience as an aromantic person. Definitely feel that trapped and sick feeling. Breaking up always was the wooorst and I get the inclination to be kind of a jerk because If your partner is mad at you and maybe even does something rude it make it easier to break up instead of just breaking up with them and hurtin them. You can absolutely still date as an aro and ace person, you just have to know what it is your looking for/capable of and make sure you’re upfront about that stuff with any potential partner! There’s so many people out here all with specific needs and wants so its really just about finding someone else with similar wants and needs! Very doable! Thanks so much for watching and sharing! Give me a follow if you care to see more videos on the topic!
I'm in a really complicated situation right now. I know that I don't experience as much romantic attraction as the average person, but I'm not sure to what extent. Demiromantic? Greyromantic?? Maybe fully aromantic??? I don't know.
I came to the conclusion last year (my junior year) that I was going to be single for the rest of my life, and I was okay with that. In fact, I was much happier than I'd been in a while. Then about a month ago, a close friend of mine, who I used to think I had a crush on, confessed to me, and I accepted, thinking I still had the crush. But a few weeks in, I started questioning my sexuality again. I thought I liked them, but I realized I feel the same way about them as I do my other friends and my family. And so now I have conflicting feelings over whether I should stay with them or not. Part of me wants my single life back, but I don't want to hurt them. And I know I can still stay with them (especially since I want a family someday and not as a single parent), but I don't know... For so long I've wanted a romantic relationship, but every time I get the chance, and even now that I have a true chance, I want to back out. I hate it.
BlurryfaceKittykat your situation and feelings sound very familiar. I too wanted the whole relationship thing but every time I tried I realized it just wasn’t for me. I definitely always wanted the freedom of single life. More than just wanted, I literally needed it. I was just never remotely comfortable being some’s boyfriend needing to return the romantic affection. I physically mentally and emotionally couldn’t do it as much as In my head I “thought” thats what I wanted. But being single was way better for me and I found if it as honest and upfront about the things I did want (like casual dating and sex but staying friend) I could find other partners that were ok with that and my life was so much better. I could have my cake and eat it too.
As far as having a family, I feel that for sure. My initial plan was to find another friend that was down to coparent with. We wouldn’t be together we just would raise a kid(s) together so I could still live as I wanted (needed) and still get what I wanted. As luck would have it I’ve recently met an aromantic woman and after months of maintaining casually hooking up and being friends we’ve found our wants and needs are well aligned so we recently decided to try a queer platonic relationship (meaning we’re together but its non traditional) we’re open so we can see other people, neither of us can do romantic feelings or want them from one another. Its really just a friends with benefits kinda thing but we’ve agreed to sort of build something together where we could maybe have kids and whatnot. This is really new for me and I’m excited to see how it goes!
My main point in all this is what I said in one of these videos: relationships can be a la carte! You can figure out exactly which parts of a relationship you want and need and which parts hinder your happiness or require too much sacrifice from you and then communicate them clearly to potential partners. Sure, this will limit potential partners because many will require the romantic part or monogamy or whatever your limitations are but the ones you DO find will be far better partners for you in the long run! You can determine exactly what it is your comfortable with and just leave yourself open to finding them. For me (like yourself) I was 10000% fine being alone. I date casually and hook up with friends I have that sort of connection with and all my needs were met. I had no desire for a relationship and wasn’t not actively looking. But having met my current partner, our wants and needs are so perfectly aligned I dont have to sacrifice or compromise in ways that will weigh on me and I dont need to feel like I’m not enough or disappointing my partner. You can definitely do the same.
I obviously dont know you or your partner but if your just staying with them because you dont want to hurt them and you want a family and you think thats your only option, it sounds like yall shouldn’t be together. Sounds like y’all will both be compromising and eventually will end up unhappy after a while. But this is based purely on the small glimpse you’ve given here so dont take my word as the end all be all. Just know you can find other people that won’t make you feel like you “want back out” cuz you’ll barley feel like youre “in” something to begin with. Or it just wont feel so restrictive. You can be yourself