"FAs want to act like they're in a relationship without saying they're in one". I can so relate to this. My FA ex said so many wonderful things about our relationship but wanted to retain the "freedom" to be with others (including a FWB). It was really frustrating as we were spending a heap of time together and I can't believe that we weren't each other's primary relationship there and then.
Im an FA and never believed in cheating or seriously dating multiple people. I think morals come into play as well because any attachment style can be cheaters, or players.
It is a noble method to state the direction of the relationship to an FA. Very kind and considerate. However, the drawbacks of Thais suggestion is that the FA would most likely have someone else ready, thus causing monkey branch or have a rebound ready. As for me, the best solution is to state your needs when the moment is right (and you’re being transparent and honest). If they reject (most likely they’re going to) then be gentle about, walk away and go no contact. During the weeks/months of no contact, FA will most likely return (because they will miss you). Also, going no contact will help both of you mature and grow emotionally/mentally. Also, it is not good to wait for someone to accept your needs. Time is ticking and remember, you're the catch! Tomorrow is never guarantee, so enjoy life!
FA's believe their person will just "feel right" not realizing they have fears/traumas from past surfacing in the relationship. Thus assuming the person they're dating is not "right" if they feel something is off. From personal experience, it was heart breaking 💔
How do I know if it doesn’t feel right because of my fears and trauma or if it doesn’t feel right bc it’s really not right for me? I’m seeing someone am I’m seeing their mood go down but it’s really difficult not to associate that with me. Some reactions he’s had to me sharing have felt cold or when I’ve asked about some things essential to the relationship but he didn’t reply straight forward.
@@xoxjelloxox Thais has some good course on pds that can help you get to know yourself more, when you've done the courses it allows you to understand whether your feeling are due to trauma/fears or this person is not a match because of other incompatibly reasons. Good luck
Have been through this with someone who leans very FA several times. My tears could fill a lake by now. I feel with you! I am also FA/DA but have been very aware from a young age that my family is very fucked up so I can't trust that my comfort zone and what I'm 'naturally' attrackted to is healthy and therefore have always had a healthy mistrust against that kind of wishful thinking. Whenever I get that Hollywood romance feeling I start waiting for the other shoe to drop. Haven't been wrong yet. It's tough as an FA with a usually quite deep trust wound to learn to trust one's gut about one's mistrust, to discern what is healthy mistrust and what isn't.
This is so spot on of a fa and commitment. My last situatioship struggled so much with commitment, she kept mentioning how I'll leave her in a few yrs, when she 1st said that I was very confused cause we weren't even dating how she thinking so far ahead, but I worked with her and soothed her stories. I was patient, worked with her, empathizing from her perspective, really tried to learn and grow with her, but what broke the camel's back was her constant intermittent reinforcement and lastly asking to just be friends (expecting the relationship treatment) because she said she's doesn't have abandonment/rejection wounds in a friendship, her fear took over. So I abruptly ended it, I was so emotionally and mentally drained from all the back and forth, indecisive commitment...upon self reflection I could of worked on the communication better and expressed more directly what I needed from her, my work to do. We all learning and growing, I wish every fa healing❤ Thank you for the share and love Thais.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Hope you had a beautiful and loving Christmas ❤❤❤
You are my Goddess, you helped me get secure from a anxious preoccupied, and date a fearful avoidant . I would be happy if you attend my wedding when I marry this fearful avoidant who I am dating at the moment.
Thais, this is so helpful! The line I've heard over and over from the FA in my situationship is, "This may be intimate, but it's not romantic." He totally will make no commitment. You've explained so much. But it's so hard to walk away.
He told you directly it is intimate but not romantic? I am in a situation where i can’t tell if there are romantic feelings or it is just physical intimacy
@@xoxjelloxox yes, that's been his caveat all along. As an AP, I figured I tried really hard to get myself on that same page, butt I couldn't. I'm now almost secure, and I realize, to most women, vulnerable and intimate are romantic.
@@Calicokitty2 at least he told you.. I’m in a situation where I can’t tell. How do you come to terms idk I heard men it’s physical.. but women it’s emotional so I’m worried about being really tied to him when it doesn’t bond him to me. How did you become more secure?
@@xoxjelloxox It's been a long road! Mainly, I did the 'needs' course a couple of times, worked hard on understanding the FA, because that's what he is, have done the codependency course and boundaries. And prayed for God's help alot. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm much less dependent on him now, and that's making a world of difference!
Wow this was so true to my most recent experience. Thais was spot on when she said that FAs can be comfortable with connection and intimacy right away but not with commitment. My ex- partner and I (I now realize we were both FAs) had instant connection and attraction. The first 2 months were some of the best 2 months of my life. I was convinced she was 100% a secure attachment style. Then as soon as we got to the commitment stage her avoidant tendencies suddenly came on strong.
Can we get more videos for FAs to learn how THEY can make changes to try to improve and not inadvertently hurt their partners? We love the comment for those dating FAs and adjusting to them, but accomodation is a two way street right! cheers
I appreciate your knowledge and effort, I use translate to understand your RUclips video. I hope there is translate to the courses in the "Personal Development School". But anyway thank you so much for your videos it's very helpful ❤
A bit tricky and sad around the holidays. I told the FA guy (met him in March) that I would love it if he helped out to plan a date or two. He did do this and it was so nice, but in December he also started being in his cute single female friend's home almost every evening. I live 45 minutes from him and have kids. I hope to live with him some day. She lives only one house away from him, 70 m maybe, neither have kids living with them. He calls me from her home almost every evening. I try to be nice and make the phonecalls deep and loving, but I don't really know how to deal with this situation. I'm afraid of sounding jealous and not as polite as her if I open my mouth and question the situation.
Hi Thais. Could you do a video about the different attachment styles in non monogamy and polyamory. Do they thrive or suffer? Is there a reason certain attachments would seek this relationship style out? Are there any benefits? I had an ex DA that wanted polyamory but had issues in our relationship when it was just us. I can’t imagine how he could have several successful relationships at once.
That would be so interesting! I expect all insecure attachment styles would run a high risk of highly toxic dynamics developing with polyamorous relationships since polyamory needs so much more emotional maturity balancing several romantic and/or sexual relationships at once with the avoidant leaning people using it as a way of avoiding intimacy and the anxious leaning people being at risk of only getting into polyamory because they want to keep someone around.
This is so spot on of a fa and commitment. My last situatioship struggled so much with commitment, she kept mentioning how I'll leave her in a few yrs, when she 1st said that I was very confused cause we weren't even dating how she thinking so far ahead, but I worked with her and soothed her stories. I was patient, worked with her, empathizing from her perspective, really tried to learn and grow with her, but what broke the camel's back was her constant intermittent reinforcement and lastly asking to just be friends (expecting the relationship treatment) because she said she's doesn't have abandonment/rejection wounds in a friendship, her fear took over. So I abruptly ended it, I was so emotionally and mentally drained from all the back and forth, indecisive commitment...upon self reflection I could of worked on the communication better and expressed more directly what I needed from her, my work to do. We all learning and growing, I wish every fa healing❤ Thank you for the share and love Thais.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Hope you had a beautiful and loving Christmas ❤❤❤
@@xoxjelloxox push and pull, hot and cold demeanor, the come here go away type. Leave people confused, since they struggle with commitment and consistency, they are usually inconsistent on how they will show up, because they grew up in chaotic environments that is their comfort level
Let us know what you think of today's video in the comments!
"FAs want to act like they're in a relationship without saying they're in one". I can so relate to this. My FA ex said so many wonderful things about our relationship but wanted to retain the "freedom" to be with others (including a FWB). It was really frustrating as we were spending a heap of time together and I can't believe that we weren't each other's primary relationship there and then.
Im an FA and never believed in cheating or seriously dating multiple people. I think morals come into play as well because any attachment style can be cheaters, or players.
@@suras8984I wondered at times if it was self-sabotage, as I don't think she was seriously playing the field (she only saw her FWB a few times a year)
As an FA, I can confirm this is exactly my instinctive thinking in a new relationship. I want connection but not to feel pinned down.
@@djenning90 I strongly suspect that would be one-sided though, as I'm fairly sure she would have been upset if I had done likewise.
That might not be FA. That might just be fckboi behaviour
It is a noble method to state the direction of the relationship to an FA. Very kind and considerate. However, the drawbacks of Thais suggestion is that the FA would most likely have someone else ready, thus causing monkey branch or have a rebound ready. As for me, the best solution is to state your needs when the moment is right (and you’re being transparent and honest). If they reject (most likely they’re going to) then be gentle about, walk away and go no contact.
During the weeks/months of no contact, FA will most likely return (because they will miss you). Also, going no contact will help both of you mature and grow emotionally/mentally. Also, it is not good to wait for someone to accept your needs. Time is ticking and remember, you're the catch! Tomorrow is never guarantee, so enjoy life!
"How do you mean whatever might be for you there?"
Loyalty, consistency, respect and reciprocity are standards for a healthy relationship.
FA's believe their person will just "feel right" not realizing they have fears/traumas from past surfacing in the relationship. Thus assuming the person they're dating is not "right" if they feel something is off. From personal experience, it was heart breaking 💔
Truth, I feel your pain both my past were fa/da. But they can heal if they work on their wounds and traumas ❤❤
How do I know if it doesn’t feel right because of my fears and trauma or if it doesn’t feel right bc it’s really not right for me? I’m seeing someone am I’m seeing their mood go down but it’s really difficult not to associate that with me. Some reactions he’s had to me sharing have felt cold or when I’ve asked about some things essential to the relationship but he didn’t reply straight forward.
@@xoxjelloxox Thais has some good course on pds that can help you get to know yourself more, when you've done the courses it allows you to understand whether your feeling are due to trauma/fears or this person is not a match because of other incompatibly reasons. Good luck
Have been through this with someone who leans very FA several times. My tears could fill a lake by now. I feel with you!
I am also FA/DA but have been very aware from a young age that my family is very fucked up so I can't trust that my comfort zone and what I'm 'naturally' attrackted to is healthy and therefore have always had a healthy mistrust against that kind of wishful thinking. Whenever I get that Hollywood romance feeling I start waiting for the other shoe to drop. Haven't been wrong yet. It's tough as an FA with a usually quite deep trust wound to learn to trust one's gut about one's mistrust, to discern what is healthy mistrust and what isn't.
I always tell men that I’m a slow burn when it comes to commitment. Trying to make me move too fast will make my antennas to go up and run.
It's good you communicate that to them :)
This is so spot on of a fa and commitment. My last situatioship struggled so much with commitment, she kept mentioning how I'll leave her in a few yrs, when she 1st said that I was very confused cause we weren't even dating how she thinking so far ahead, but I worked with her and soothed her stories. I was patient, worked with her, empathizing from her perspective, really tried to learn and grow with her, but what broke the camel's back was her constant intermittent reinforcement and lastly asking to just be friends (expecting the relationship treatment) because she said she's doesn't have abandonment/rejection wounds in a friendship, her fear took over. So I abruptly ended it, I was so emotionally and mentally drained from all the back and forth, indecisive commitment...upon self reflection I could of worked on the communication better and expressed more directly what I needed from her, my work to do. We all learning and growing, I wish every fa healing❤
Thank you for the share and love Thais.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Hope you had a beautiful and loving Christmas ❤❤❤
You are my Goddess, you helped me get secure from a anxious preoccupied, and date a fearful avoidant . I would be happy if you attend my wedding when I marry this fearful avoidant who I am dating at the moment.
Thais, this is so helpful! The line I've heard over and over from the FA in my situationship is, "This may be intimate, but it's not romantic." He totally will make no commitment. You've explained so much. But it's so hard to walk away.
He told you directly it is intimate but not romantic? I am in a situation where i can’t tell if there are romantic feelings or it is just physical intimacy
@@xoxjelloxox yes, that's been his caveat all along. As an AP, I figured I tried really hard to get myself on that same page, butt I couldn't. I'm now almost secure, and I realize, to most women, vulnerable and intimate are romantic.
@@Calicokitty2 at least he told you.. I’m in a situation where I can’t tell. How do you come to terms idk I heard men it’s physical.. but women it’s emotional so I’m worried about being really tied to him when it doesn’t bond him to me.
How did you become more secure?
@@xoxjelloxox It's been a long road! Mainly, I did the 'needs' course a couple of times, worked hard on understanding the FA, because that's what he is, have done the codependency course and boundaries. And prayed for God's help alot. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm much less dependent on him now, and that's making a world of difference!
@@Calicokitty2 amazinf!! IAM happy for you
Wow this was so true to my most recent experience. Thais was spot on when she said that FAs can be comfortable with connection and intimacy right away but not with commitment. My ex- partner and I (I now realize we were both FAs) had instant connection and attraction. The first 2 months were some of the best 2 months of my life. I was convinced she was 100% a secure attachment style. Then as soon as we got to the commitment stage her avoidant tendencies suddenly came on strong.
Can we get more videos for FAs to learn how THEY can make changes to try to improve and not inadvertently hurt their partners? We love the comment for those dating FAs and adjusting to them, but accomodation is a two way street right! cheers
Yes!!
I've just listened to this 3 times! There's so much that's helpful in this!
Great to hear!
Thais, it's amazing how you keep coming up with new content every single day. I always learn something new.
Wonderful to hear it! thanks for your comment
More FA videos please
Love the tips given here! They are very useful!
thanks San :)
Thais, I am considering online dating. Do you have any recommendations of those apps/sites that your clients reported as promising???
I appreciate your knowledge and effort, I use translate to understand your RUclips video. I hope there is translate to the courses in the "Personal Development School".
But anyway thank you so much for your videos it's very helpful ❤
What language do you speak? Maybe in the future we can translate!
I speak Arabic language.
Thank you so much 🙏🏻😊
Thais can you do Chinese too. It will make a huge difference in the community ❤
A bit tricky and sad around the holidays. I told the FA guy (met him in March) that I would love it if he helped out to plan a date or two. He did do this and it was so nice, but in December he also started being in his cute single female friend's home almost every evening. I live 45 minutes from him and have kids. I hope to live with him some day. She lives only one house away from him, 70 m maybe, neither have kids living with them.
He calls me from her home almost every evening. I try to be nice and make the phonecalls deep and loving, but I don't really know how to deal with this situation. I'm afraid of sounding jealous and not as polite as her if I open my mouth and question the situation.
Following
Hi Thais. Could you do a video about the different attachment styles in non monogamy and polyamory. Do they thrive or suffer? Is there a reason certain attachments would seek this relationship style out? Are there any benefits?
I had an ex DA that wanted polyamory but had issues in our relationship when it was just us. I can’t imagine how he could have several successful relationships at once.
That would be so interesting! I expect all insecure attachment styles would run a high risk of highly toxic dynamics developing with polyamorous relationships since polyamory needs so much more emotional maturity balancing several romantic and/or sexual relationships at once with the avoidant leaning people using it as a way of avoiding intimacy and the anxious leaning people being at risk of only getting into polyamory because they want to keep someone around.
What are your thoughts on the Oofy Doofy Theory? Does the empowered modern female increasingly prefer the more submissive male? Video response please.
No
This is so spot on of a fa and commitment. My last situatioship struggled so much with commitment, she kept mentioning how I'll leave her in a few yrs, when she 1st said that I was very confused cause we weren't even dating how she thinking so far ahead, but I worked with her and soothed her stories. I was patient, worked with her, empathizing from her perspective, really tried to learn and grow with her, but what broke the camel's back was her constant intermittent reinforcement and lastly asking to just be friends (expecting the relationship treatment) because she said she's doesn't have abandonment/rejection wounds in a friendship, her fear took over. So I abruptly ended it, I was so emotionally and mentally drained from all the back and forth, indecisive commitment...upon self reflection I could of worked on the communication better and expressed more directly what I needed from her, my work to do. We all learning and growing, I wish every fa healing❤
Thank you for the share and love Thais.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Hope you had a beautiful and loving Christmas ❤❤❤
Thank you! Happy holidays to you as well!! ❤
You are definitely secure my guy! Had an encounter with an FA recently and it left me so confused
What do you mean her constant intermittent reinforcement?
@@xoxjelloxoxLike gamblers addiction, enough wins to get you coming back.
@@xoxjelloxox push and pull, hot and cold demeanor, the come here go away type. Leave people confused, since they struggle with commitment and consistency, they are usually inconsistent on how they will show up, because they grew up in chaotic environments that is their comfort level