Early signs of attachment healing for anxious attachment style… 1. You start to recognise that you are responsible for the types of relationship you engage in. 2. You’re able to see limerance for what it is. Limerance means believing the dreams and fantasies we have about someone over the reality we see about someone. 3. You’re able to recognise the value of self-regulation and you’re starting to create strategies for reminding yourself that you’re ok. You can both co-regulate and self-regulate as appropriate.
2 you accept who they are and even tho if it hurts it’s fine because they are allowed to be who they are and not act like your fantasy version that you have created of them. It’s hurting but you learn to let go of controlling them or using there imagine to soothe yourself. 3 you learn to regulate on your own. It’s not there responsibility to heal you and make you happy. You let go of expectations and learn to fully communicate what you need! You don’t expect people to read your mind.
Lots of good points in this video. However, in the defense of the anxiously attached person falling for an avoidant, oftentimes the avoidance it isn't apparent in the beginning. When commitment expectations are low, like in the beginning of a relationship, avoidants can definitely be warm and loving. Sometimes, you don't know a person's attachment patterns until you're rather deeply in.
Everyone faces as secure in the honeymoon phase. I had no idea my ex was avoidant, we were lucky enough to share a good, healthy love bond and our honeymoon period went for 2 years… until it all came undone in 4 short months, we both engaged our attachment wounds and the relationship died.
100% 2nd this. It can take weeks months, or even years for attachment styles to become apparent. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, these styles might even change slightly over time. E.g.even if one person is securely attached, if the other person is hot and cold, and avoids confrontation to the point where they might even ignore the secure person, that secure person can become very anxious about any engagement in the relationship. It depends on the 2 people involved and if they can work on the things they need to work on with themselves, and then with the other person. Also, an avoidance partner might appear totally fine up until such boundaries are encountered, like physical intimacy, then all of a sudden freak out a little.
Imo, your comment is even more true if you remove it from the framework of being a "defense": Oftentimes avoidance isn't apparent. It's just the way of things, no more a defense of one thing than an offense against another. People can be warm and loving when they're not trying to avoid things. It's true that that's true for people with a lot of avoidant habits. It's a greater truth that it's true for everyone else too. /to be clear on where I'm coming from; secure attachment, with some anxious habits, married to someone with avoidant habits for 20 years. And while I have every right to say it's been *work* - I could also tell you the same story, but about what a struggle it is for them to be married to someone with secure habits. :)
This is exactly the truth. Avoidants imo subconsciously seek out anxious types (maybe in bad faith) and don't show their avoidant nature at the start - quite the opposite -they often show vulnerability early on (admitting some childhood or family trauma). By the time you as the anxious start to find out it's too late. Because most anxious types don't end things until too late.
This is amazing... I've been doing all of these things.. I deserve to give myself a clap on the back because I am recognising I have begun to break long formed unconscious habits
Same here :) I just left a hot & cold dynamic I was being hooked for one month. I did see red flags from the very beginning, but the person confused me with promises...
I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I'm really happy for you. I think us anxious attachers struggle with feeling proud as a general rule, and I have actually felt proud of myself for recognising all of the things mentioned in the video by myself and worked on them. It's so liberating on so many levels. I'm so happy for us.
You trying to tell me that the movie that plays in my head, the one that stretches far into the future, the one that stars a person I just met, IS FANTASY???? 😂 Why the hell do we do this??? Why did it take so long to realize I do this??? You are amazing, please continue making this content. I believe you have found your purpose! (Not trying to confine you, just saying that it must feel wonderful to have something so meaningful to share)
I'd been doing this since elementary schooland well into my forties.One of my limerences actually drove me so crazy that I finally started doing therapy. Turns out we do that because we haven't healed, which causes us to avoid vulnerability by entering these "imaginary" romances, long-distance relationships, some people also romance married partners-whatever guarantees that we cannot actually thoroughly expose ourselves or set healthy boundaries.
Honestly I am feeling so proud of myself right now. If i look at myself a year ago… i really have come a far way and worked so so much on myself and learned also so much. I had ‘aha’ moments by everything you said. If I keep this up, I’ll be unstoppable ❤
Yes me too! I have learned so much about learning to love myself through RUclips videos. Thank you so much for all the information you give us. I have come a long way. I used to have panic attacks when the man I was with didn't give me quality time. But I'm still working on myself. Affirmations and processing my emotions have helped me a lot.
Man. I never realized how much of my feelings about my relationship was not based in reality. I always identified as a “romantic” so limerence was such a natural and important part of my identity and way of thinking. but that’s why I was stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant for five years. I finally was able to break up with him. And focusing on the reality of the relationship and the reality of my feelings when I was with him has really helped with the break up pain. I keep thinking about the good memories and falling back into this romantic version of those moments and of who my partner was. Living in reality feels so much more…..boring? but I’m understanding how important it is to healing so it’s an uncomfortable thing to let go of my limerence tendencies.
Yes I feel you. The reality is so boring lol but it’s the truth! If the reality was so good we wouldn’t fantasize. We fantasize because the reality sucks.
Same just started in a new relationship and it looks like it’s heading in this exact direction. I know I need to change but I keep hoping they will too and it don’t work like that
This limerace is exhausting. I want to enjoy life without him in my thoughts. He was awfull to me but the breadcrumbs made me feel he was serious. Torn between ' i pushed this good guy away ' and ' he was never there' I feel drained.
I always love very quickly. I love everyone and every living thing on this planet. So it’s hard to know that I’m getting into a relationship that someone isn’t going to reciprocate with emotional intimacy. The people I start dating always seem so blown away to be loved for seemingly no reason that they just accept it and I don’t really ask for anything in return at first. It’s only when the relationship gets serious that I start looking to them to help through bad days and stuff. That’s when I find out they were just in it for what they were getting and not wanting to give any back.
Just got out of a relationship with a narcassist while dealing with this. I did really well at controlling my emotions when around her and hid alot of what i was feeling but damn i felt so empty inside. I dealt with it alone and in silence and got the courage to walk away. Walking away was 1000x harder for me than the relationship was. Was quite the emotional rollercoaster and some days still is but ive turned a huge corner recently in my healing and thinking as im learning so much about myself now.
i'm currently going through a really difficult time, and that last point really resonated with me - this week i was really not doing well and i could feel myself yearning for a parent figure, or just someone, to help me regulate, but unfortunately my friends have not been available for some time. i am estranged from my parents and they could not really offer emotional support to me in the past either, so i could just feel this pain of noone really being there for me hurting so much! in the end i did end up meeting a friend and playing games with some people i'm not super close with and it really helped, but this video was a nice reminder that i do want to be more supportive of myself. i don't think at this moment i'm properly equipped to be there for me in the way i need it. really appreciate your videos as i try and make sense of things.
It sounds like you're doing a good job in a really complex situation. If you're putting in the work to build better emotional habits... that's what it is. :)
Whats crazy is that you say this video isnt about how to heal from an anxious attachment style, but signs in which are showing youre healing, is that I feel learning the signs is a help in itself. Im in very early stages of healing from an anxious attachment style and this video has been very helful and enlightening to me.
Oh my goodness just watching this and thinking 'YES' to myself was such a breath of fresh air. I feel so good knowing I'm making good pogress in my anxious attachment healing. 👏
@@fjtay Well, everyone's life story is different, their psychology is also different. And that's why you can't get the exact solution from others. They can give you their experience and how they heal themselves. But you can't take their advice fully, you can just take their advice to see if your state matches with theirs. And then you need to use their experiences to heal yourself in your own way. But it takes time, I commented this 11 months ago, now I am more conscious and have more power to my mind and it helps me keep a healthy state. If you are worrying about how its gonna happen then don't worry. A person who believes in their own ability no matter what reality gives to them never fails.
I'm doing all of this. Thanks to you Heidi, all of this is possible with your help. I recently had a breakup with an avoidant. So I find the third point of not mixing limerance with reality most difficult to follow. People seem much more valuable when they are not in our life anymore
Limerence ('Head Over Heals in Love') is a made up word remember, as well as being the most wonderful experience in a lifetime - I'd say why deny it? Just be aware it's happening, manage it & enjoy the heck out of it 👍
I don't know what the last month looked like for you, or what these coming ones will, but I know that building healthier emotional habits for yourself and looking out for ways to improve is how you find yourself secure, and in that light, I'm proud of you. :)
I’m not going to add any personal insights into this subject matter, because Heidi says it all and says it clearly. Rather than comment, I’ll listen a second time.There are so many reasons why I should not be drawn to Heidi (eh I find certain female, American voices really irksome). Heidi is crystal clear. Brilliant.
I've never heard of something called limerence, but experienced it a lot.. And I even recognized a link between being single and having a crush - as I thought but can't puzzle it together as you did! Thx for your Videos, they're so helpful 🤗
Hollywood has messed with all of us, especially when it comes to romance. It’s NEVER about reality. It’s always about the “what if’s.” This life living is hard, reality, emotional work.
All three were "ah ha" moments for me. I recently came out of a 9-month relationship with an avoidant, and I realized before watching this video some of the things I was doing unconsciously with her (a bit of limerence for example). However, I am glad that this video affirmed some of what I already had begun to discover in my own reflection on this recent relationship. Now I'm off to watch your video on "learning self-regulation" Thank you so much for your content Heidi, much love...
Another great video, as always. I needed this today as I feel like I’m struggling and I have some difficult situations to deal with in the near future that are an anxiously attached persons worst nightmare. But watching this, I do recognize some of these things moving in the right direction for me and it gives me more hope and courage!
Hearing this is great for me, it's like you are spotlighting signposts on the long road ahead of me. I'll definitely be bringing your videos up with my new therapist and grabbing some literature on limerance. I'm actually kind of surprised some of these videos don't have more views.
Oh, Heidi, thank you so much for this one I just stumbled upon. I've been on this healing journey consciously for months now after a very nasty friendship break-up, and at times I still wonder if I'm making any advances, but after listening to you I recognise myself into all three steps (I voice them frequently with my best friend, too, because we support each other in our therapeutic endeavours.) It makes me feel so happy knowing I'm on the right path. Lots of love.
1) makes perfect sense and I'm starting to integrate it. I also think what goes hand in hand is "if someone tells you what they are, believe them." I think these things are difficult to do when you've had an early honeymoon where it was open/warm and then there's withdrawal and emotional stonewalling. 2) Limerence has been SUCH a blind spot for me. It sucks because the earlier time in my life that I had limerence about someone, we ended up in a very meaningful and long term relationship, so I had always associated those fantasies to 'good' relationships. But I now know that if I am fantasizing about someone early, its if anything to be -extra- vigilant and careful and slow things down. 3) This one is so hard and I think I'm finally coming around to it and it has a lot to do with injecting self love and removing the self shit-talk and just having compassion. Eg - by virtue of being a human being, youre enough, worthy, valued.
This is amazing content Heidi. As an FA who has healed a lot of my anxious traits and is now dating an AP who is in total limerance and can struggle to self-regulate it was so helpful to have someone articulate why I'm finding their unhealed patterns challenging. Thank you.
Just to go on record ever watch all those sitcoms such as Two and a Half Men and How I met your mother? The relationship between Barney and Charlie and all those women angry at them for not willing to commit, is an Avoidance Attachment style (Charlie and Barney) and women that are Anxiety Attachment style (all those girls angry and upset because Charlie and Barney won't commit) Technically speaking, Charlie and Barney never did anything wrong. They never misled any girl to think it is a serious relationship. It is like when girls wanting a casual relationship with an athletic. The girl never misled the athletic to think it is a serious relationship. (and most single athletic take advantage of it and slept with a lot of girls. But, if one athletic is hoping to be more serious with a girl and the girl felt not the same way, that girl isn't doing anything wrong, she never misled him to think it is a serious relationship.) PS: Just to go on record as an Avoidance style myself, I've been in that same position Barney is in many times with very clingy girls. And the irony is that, it never went as far as the bed room. It is usually just a girl you just met and you meet for a cup of coffee and you never agreed to be in a relationship, and she totally flip out when she saw you still texting other girls, despite you never told her it is a relationship, just knowing each other as just friends. Most real life AV know that girls are not that interest in one night stand. Therefore, unless you are extremely sexy and having girls wanting one night stand with you 24/7, most guys just befriend hot girls and stay as just friends, because we don't want a commitment and girls usually won't sleep with you, until you are at least on boyfriend/girlfriend term. But Anxiety type girl, they flip out because you won't commit and still talking to other girls. Even if it didn't get to the bedroom. You won't want talking to her again, after this. PPS: Also, that scene where Barney hire actors to pretend to be his family, I know one AV guy that did just that. Funny thing is that he intentionally hired a girl that is gay. Because, there are so many stories of guys doing something like this, get a girl to pretend to be his girlfriend to get his mom off his back and the girl ended up falling in love with him. So, he intentionally found a girl that is a lesbian.
seems like I finally start healing after another bad break up. But I feel I could have needed that way earlier in my life. Loosing people this way by chasing them and the withdraw is wearing on the self worth
My Fiancé is Fearful Avoidant and I’m Anxious attachement style soooo yes I’m trying to heal, soul search & have a relationship with my self and SHOW UP FOR MY Self as of a month now. I have felt very alone, unheard & Un loved w/my partner for the last year &30% of the time Un Safe. Mannnn all along I thought it was him being “cold and not affectionate” in reality is our attachment styles that are not aligned to our wants and needs.😮 😢
Very well explained. Thank you so much for the awesome presentation skill. I am being able to detect the times I feel the need for validation from outside, I try to regulate my feelings, detect the exaggeration, and approach others in calmer state. I used to think whatever I feel is fact and I need to instantly share it.
I have a long history of meeting someone at work (because I'm kind of an introvert and mostly socialize at work where there's little choice). I find out early on she is off the table because she is married, in a serious relationship, half my age, or all of these; but i find her attractive, and just an awesome person for whatever reason. I decide we can be "friends." Gradually we start to talk, laugh, joke around. Other people may start to wonder what's up, and i like that. I talk to other co-workers less and less, and when i do, it's about her. I can't wait to go to work because it's now to see HER. I think fate has dealt me a cruel blow because we can't be more than friends. Then what i liked about her outgoing friendly personality turns to jealousy that she is a flirt. She starts to talk less and it's not fun anymore. So i panic and start asking why. It ends badly and we are no longer friends. I know all this, yet it happens again and again. Why? This great video gives me some understanding of the Why. But now How do i start being different?
Self regulation is so hard, I've always had trouble with it, the super intense limerent emotions I felt for potential partners has stopped me getting in a relationship my whole life, when I eventually did, I fell into the anxious/avoidant trap, which turned abusive. Now, 20 years later I'm divorced and just about feeling ready to date, but I STILL get hit with this limerence, it's so, so overwhelming!! I can thankfully report after watching this video that I'm slowly starting to heal. But even with this latest woman, I couldn't even work up the courage to ask her out for coffee, or for her social media details for fear of what would happen. I eventually did and of course she's married, so that's that then, but managing the resulting emotional tidal wave is really tough. I've booked some sessions with my therapist to solve this. I've got a lot to work on.
Part of me somehow can't believe that I'm actually healing and becoming more secure. It feels strange, but I'm excited to see where this healing process leads me to.
I💜 this vid & am so glad I've gotten em down Still more work on regulation & funny that I said to self today more work is next step more practice. Awesome! And I actually think this lady said it all so well. There was no remblkng on. Very well said a& easy to get. I think I've seen a vid or 2 of hers in the past.. I'm def subscribing now after watching this vid. I swear this vid spoke to me saying YOU HAVE BEEN TOTALLY ON THE RIGHT TRACK! 🤣 Thank you🌻
not me figuring out ur an enfp 8..... no wonder ur channel is one of my safe spaces (enfp 8w9)... im looking at the bootcamp rn and putting it in my budget! so so so excited! and thank you so much for putting ur voice and words out into the ether?void? world?
She wanted to be with me, she showed up and was committed until I got deeply rooted in that relationship. Than she pulled away and left me bleed out. So much for recognizing and being able to keep boundaries. With some people it's just BS, you get rolled and can't do anything about it.
I am an anxiously attached person. I've already figured out that this probably comes from my childhood. I just don't know where to begin my healing process and how to avoid this. 🙁
I know this is old, but I discovered the Personal Development School a little over a year ago and have found the videos to be immensely helpful. They also offer courses for all attachment styles that are very reasonably priced.
i know i have a lot of work to do to heal myself from anxious attachment but i have no idea where to start besides recognizing my patterns and hopefully catching myself when i'm falling into the old traits. how should i start the healing process?
Does anyone have any tips for when you are finally healing from anxious attachment, you look back and feel so much regret about a lot of your behaviours/ actions in previous relationships? Now that I'm becoming more secure, it's almost embarrassing at times to look back on the ways I acted when I was triggered
Idk...I'm getting kind of annoyed at the portrayal of Anxious people going around like drug-seeking maniacs (the "drug" being a person to help regulate them). I identify as Anxious and am fully aware I need to learn how to self-soothe. But I am NOT running around trying to hunt someone to "make me better" on a daily basis. And Heidi has said just that in several videos. Good grief. Idk - maybe I'm not highly Anxious on the spectrum? Do I end up in relationships with Avoidants? Sure. I'm sure there's that deep, deep unconscious core wound around unlovable-ness buried in there. And an Avoidant reinforces my [unhealthy] comfort zone. Which, duh, isn't good. But, at the same time, (I'll only speak for myself here), I'm not some clingy, desperate, craving blob of emotional neediness looking for a human wubbie every damn day. Do I like reassurance in relationships because I have a robust fear of abandonment? Absolutely. Not because of some "percieved" abandonment. I *HAVE* been actually abandoned! Many times over! I know DAs get vilified but I'm not down with "evening that score" by blanket-ly saying ALL Anxious people are, on a daily basis, looking - needing - someone to help regulate them. Ok. Rant over.
I agree. I love your videos, Heidi and want to take full responsibility for my own unhealthy dynamics, but it’s clear to me too that it’s not that black and white and there is not just one model for it. I definitely have an anxious attachment style, but my last relationship was with a guy who chased after me when I wasn’t initially attracted and pulled me in with a script about themselves being the emotionally available male I had always been seeking. Then proceeded to back up that fantasy for six months, making himself completely available to me at all times (thereby eliciting an addictive reliance in me), until he got tired of the role and began the pulling away and drawing back in in a way that almost drove me insane. So the fantasy was actively presented for a good amount of time on his part and of course, being starved for that, I fully believed it and participated in it to my detriment. . Just saying this to show that it could a lot more nuanced and subtle, but I really do appreciate your videos, Heidi, and would love to learn more about healing and finding that core stability within myself.
I feel the same. i like the videos but sometimes I do feel like it has to be acknowledged that the whole avoidant/anxious relationship dynamic arises partly because the anxious person is actually sensing things in the avoidant person's shadow or just receiving mixed signals outright and even in secure relationships everything isn't necessarily as straightforward as people openly stating whatever their needs and desires are. Like we all view the world in our own way but it's important people don't basically gaslight themselves into thinking they cant sense reality anymore. Unless someone is completely and totally off the deep end of the spectrum there's usually a "there" there. It's the same with trying to win people over. Sure it can be described in manipulative, but that's in the same way doing a good job at work is "manipulating" your boss into liking you, or being a caring parent is "manipulating" your kids. We all try to put our best foot forward when we really want things to work out. It's just being human. I find the videos overall very helpful, but I think the line between people's authentic selves and what's described as trauma wounds is blurry and that can sometimes result in "work" that is really just trying to forcefully overwrite your authentic self again.
@@TheEnriqueSpeed I just saw your comment. This, in part what you said: "I do feel like it has to be acknowledged that the whole avoidant/anxious relationship dynamic arises partly because the anxious person is actually sensing things in the avoidant person's shadow or just receiving mixed signals outright" is so spot on. Can you tell me more about this part: "I think the line between people's authentic selves and what's described as trauma wounds is blurry and that can sometimes result in "work" that is really just trying to forcefully overwrite your authentic self again."" I I understand what you're trying to say but would really appreciate if you would provide more clarity. Thanks!
Yep. This makes sense. My anxious attachment mostly presents as ruminating usually about confusing situations with other insecure attachments. I don't think I have a fear of being alone. I'm actually very introverted and love being by myself because then there's no compulsive need to caretake anyone which is super draining for me. I've got a pretty healthy sense of self esteem and consider myself pretty awesome outside romantic relationships.
I'm healing from Anxious Attachment, and am learning that I've never known how to self-regulate, and that this is something I would like to learn. You talk often about how co-regulation and self-regulation are both good skills that a securely attached person can do. But if someone can successfully self-regulate, why would they ever co-regulate? What would be the purpose or utility of processing with someone else if you can process your own stuff by yourself?
I've noticed all three of these. My problem now is trying to figure out if she's all avoidant, or narcissistic. Simply because she knows she is disorganized, avoidant . Yet 100% all of our triggers are always my fault. Yet she has another guy friend thatcomes to her like she is a sex counselor for his faling sexless marriage. So half of our back and forths always follow her spending time with him. Like she has guilt or shame that she brings into our relationship. Technically, now friendship. Doesn't matter. I've lied to myself about her so many times . Once I woke up to that, i crashed my own dream.... but I wasn't tearing myself down in the process. Like she does. The biggest problem when we talk, i want to understand. This comes across to her as manipulative. Maybe it's her disorganized part of the avoidant thing. Or it's a narc thing....what l know for sure is. This went far beyond mental this time. It went into digestive issues. I no longer abor nutrients, food. I am also working on overthinking. Which is daily conscious streaming, daily mindful walks, daily graitude, making a routine, holding myself to that schedule.
Early signs of attachment healing for anxious attachment style…
1. You start to recognise that you are responsible for the types of relationship you engage in.
2. You’re able to see limerance for what it is. Limerance means believing the dreams and fantasies we have about someone over the reality we see about someone.
3. You’re able to recognise the value of self-regulation and you’re starting to create strategies for reminding yourself that you’re ok. You can both co-regulate and self-regulate as appropriate.
Thank you I needed summary
2 you accept who they are and even tho if it hurts it’s fine because they are allowed to be who they are and not act like your fantasy version that you have created of them. It’s hurting but you learn to let go of controlling them or using there imagine to soothe yourself.
3 you learn to regulate on your own. It’s not there responsibility to heal you and make you happy. You let go of expectations and learn to fully communicate what you need! You don’t expect people to read your mind.
Lots of good points in this video. However, in the defense of the anxiously attached person falling for an avoidant, oftentimes the avoidance it isn't apparent in the beginning. When commitment expectations are low, like in the beginning of a relationship, avoidants can definitely be warm and loving. Sometimes, you don't know a person's attachment patterns until you're rather deeply in.
Everyone faces as secure in the honeymoon phase. I had no idea my ex was avoidant, we were lucky enough to share a good, healthy love bond and our honeymoon period went for 2 years… until it all came undone in 4 short months, we both engaged our attachment wounds and the relationship died.
💯
100% 2nd this. It can take weeks months, or even years for attachment styles to become apparent. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, these styles might even change slightly over time. E.g.even if one person is securely attached, if the other person is hot and cold, and avoids confrontation to the point where they might even ignore the secure person, that secure person can become very anxious about any engagement in the relationship. It depends on the 2 people involved and if they can work on the things they need to work on with themselves, and then with the other person.
Also, an avoidance partner might appear totally fine up until such boundaries are encountered, like physical intimacy, then all of a sudden freak out a little.
Imo, your comment is even more true if you remove it from the framework of being a "defense": Oftentimes avoidance isn't apparent.
It's just the way of things, no more a defense of one thing than an offense against another.
People can be warm and loving when they're not trying to avoid things. It's true that that's true for people with a lot of avoidant habits. It's a greater truth that it's true for everyone else too.
/to be clear on where I'm coming from; secure attachment, with some anxious habits, married to someone with avoidant habits for 20 years. And while I have every right to say it's been *work* - I could also tell you the same story, but about what a struggle it is for them to be married to someone with secure habits. :)
This is exactly the truth. Avoidants imo subconsciously seek out anxious types (maybe in bad faith) and don't show their avoidant nature at the start - quite the opposite -they often show vulnerability early on (admitting some childhood or family trauma). By the time you as the anxious start to find out it's too late. Because most anxious types don't end things until too late.
This is amazing... I've been doing all of these things.. I deserve to give myself a clap on the back because I am recognising I have begun to break long formed unconscious habits
Same here :) I just left a hot & cold dynamic I was being hooked for one month. I did see red flags from the very beginning, but the person confused me with promises...
Great job! Hope you are still on the healing journey.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I'm really happy for you. I think us anxious attachers struggle with feeling proud as a general rule, and I have actually felt proud of myself for recognising all of the things mentioned in the video by myself and worked on them. It's so liberating on so many levels. I'm so happy for us.
Hey, how are you doing right now? Did you heal and break the pattern completely or do you still feel a bit trapped?
How did you started healing? I am trying my best to heal, so can you give me some advice?
You trying to tell me that the movie that plays in my head, the one that stretches far into the future, the one that stars a person I just met, IS FANTASY???? 😂 Why the hell do we do this??? Why did it take so long to realize I do this??? You are amazing, please continue making this content. I believe you have found your purpose! (Not trying to confine you, just saying that it must feel wonderful to have something so meaningful to share)
I'd been doing this since elementary schooland well into my forties.One of my limerences actually drove me so crazy that I finally started doing therapy. Turns out we do that because we haven't healed, which causes us to avoid vulnerability by entering these "imaginary" romances, long-distance relationships, some people also romance married partners-whatever guarantees that we cannot actually thoroughly expose ourselves or set healthy boundaries.
“Limerence”
I didn’t think someone could wrap most of my dating problems up in one fucking word
Definitely subbed
Honestly I am feeling so proud of myself right now. If i look at myself a year ago… i really have come a far way and worked so so much on myself and learned also so much. I had ‘aha’ moments by everything you said. If I keep this up, I’ll be unstoppable ❤
Yes me too! I have learned so much about learning to love myself through RUclips videos. Thank you so much for all the information you give us. I have come a long way. I used to have panic attacks when the man I was with didn't give me quality time. But I'm still working on myself. Affirmations and processing my emotions have helped me a lot.
Periodt 👏👏👏
Man. I never realized how much of my feelings about my relationship was not based in reality. I always identified as a “romantic” so limerence was such a natural and important part of my identity and way of thinking. but that’s why I was stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant for five years. I finally was able to break up with him. And focusing on the reality of the relationship and the reality of my feelings when I was with him has really helped with the break up pain. I keep thinking about the good memories and falling back into this romantic version of those moments and of who my partner was. Living in reality feels so much more…..boring? but I’m understanding how important it is to healing so it’s an uncomfortable thing to let go of my limerence tendencies.
Yes I feel you. The reality is so boring lol but it’s the truth! If the reality was so good we wouldn’t fantasize. We fantasize because the reality sucks.
Same just started in a new relationship and it looks like it’s heading in this exact direction. I know I need to change but I keep hoping they will too and it don’t work like that
For the Love of Life, please don't stop being a 'Romantic' and falling for all this 'Limerence' stuff - balance is key
Have you read The Untethered Soul?
This limerace is exhausting. I want to enjoy life without him in my thoughts. He was awfull to me but the breadcrumbs made me feel he was serious. Torn between ' i pushed this good guy away ' and ' he was never there' I feel drained.
Really captures how I feel, omg
I always love very quickly. I love everyone and every living thing on this planet. So it’s hard to know that I’m getting into a relationship that someone isn’t going to reciprocate with emotional intimacy. The people I start dating always seem so blown away to be loved for seemingly no reason that they just accept it and I don’t really ask for anything in return at first. It’s only when the relationship gets serious that I start looking to them to help through bad days and stuff. That’s when I find out they were just in it for what they were getting and not wanting to give any back.
Just got out of a relationship with a narcassist while dealing with this. I did really well at controlling my emotions when around her and hid alot of what i was feeling but damn i felt so empty inside. I dealt with it alone and in silence and got the courage to walk away.
Walking away was 1000x harder for me than the relationship was. Was quite the emotional rollercoaster and some days still is but ive turned a huge corner recently in my healing and thinking as im learning so much about myself now.
So proud of you, keep healing and moving forward, even if it's a little, it still counts. 🙏🏻
@@rubyshoes1032 got a new girlfriend who is amazing. Couldn't be happier. I've completey moved on :)
i'm currently going through a really difficult time, and that last point really resonated with me - this week i was really not doing well and i could feel myself yearning for a parent figure, or just someone, to help me regulate, but unfortunately my friends have not been available for some time. i am estranged from my parents and they could not really offer emotional support to me in the past either, so i could just feel this pain of noone really being there for me hurting so much! in the end i did end up meeting a friend and playing games with some people i'm not super close with and it really helped, but this video was a nice reminder that i do want to be more supportive of myself. i don't think at this moment i'm properly equipped to be there for me in the way i need it. really appreciate your videos as i try and make sense of things.
I hope you are doing better now❤️
It sounds like you're doing a good job in a really complex situation. If you're putting in the work to build better emotional habits... that's what it is. :)
Whats crazy is that you say this video isnt about how to heal from an anxious attachment style, but signs in which are showing youre healing, is that I feel learning the signs is a help in itself. Im in very early stages of healing from an anxious attachment style and this video has been very helful and enlightening to me.
Oh my goodness just watching this and thinking 'YES' to myself was such a breath of fresh air. I feel so good knowing I'm making good pogress in my anxious attachment healing. 👏
The three signs matched! I am so happy for myself!! My four years of struggle didn’t waste.
How did you start healing? I am starting on my journey to heal, so please give some advise.
@@fjtay Well, everyone's life story is different, their psychology is also different. And that's why you can't get the exact solution from others. They can give you their experience and how they heal themselves. But you can't take their advice fully, you can just take their advice to see if your state matches with theirs. And then you need to use their experiences to heal yourself in your own way. But it takes time, I commented this 11 months ago, now I am more conscious and have more power to my mind and it helps me keep a healthy state. If you are worrying about how its gonna happen then don't worry. A person who believes in their own ability no matter what reality gives to them never fails.
I'm doing all of this. Thanks to you Heidi, all of this is possible with your help.
I recently had a breakup with an avoidant. So I find the third point of not mixing limerance with reality most difficult to follow. People seem much more valuable when they are not in our life anymore
Limerence ('Head Over Heals in Love') is a made up word remember, as well as being the most wonderful experience in a lifetime - I'd say why deny it? Just be aware it's happening, manage it & enjoy the heck out of it 👍
This is so spot on, never thought I was projecting my needs for a parent figure onto others-jaw dropping!
Stop holding me accountable for my actions!!! 😂. Daaaang. Crazy how our minds, fears, childhood trauma drive our behavior.
I am on the right part. I'll be back in 6 months.
This is my accountability step
I don't know what the last month looked like for you, or what these coming ones will, but I know that building healthier emotional habits for yourself and looking out for ways to improve is how you find yourself secure, and in that light, I'm proud of you. :)
@mfern45 thank you!
Thank God I’m actually healing 🥺 This assured me that the work I’m putting in is worth it. Subscribed!
I’m not going to add any personal insights into this subject matter, because Heidi says it all and says it clearly. Rather than comment, I’ll listen a second time.There are so many reasons why I should not be drawn to Heidi (eh I find certain female, American voices really irksome). Heidi is crystal clear. Brilliant.
Genuinely wish I stumbled upon this information many years ago but still so thankful for this now!
Amen. Same. I could have saved years off my misery.
I've never heard of something called limerence, but experienced it a lot.. And I even recognized a link between being single and having a crush - as I thought but can't puzzle it together as you did! Thx for your Videos, they're so helpful 🤗
Thanks
Thank God I'm healed ❤😊
Hollywood has messed with all of us, especially when it comes to romance. It’s NEVER about reality. It’s always about the “what if’s.” This life living is hard, reality, emotional work.
All three were "ah ha" moments for me. I recently came out of a 9-month relationship with an avoidant, and I realized before watching this video some of the things I was doing unconsciously with her (a bit of limerence for example). However, I am glad that this video affirmed some of what I already had begun to discover in my own reflection on this recent relationship. Now I'm off to watch your video on "learning self-regulation" Thank you so much for your content Heidi, much love...
Awesome, thanks for talking about limerence! I think it's such an insightful concept more people should know about.
I appreciate your neutral disposition and very fine, effective detailed manner in describing attachment styles.
You have a wonderful way of explaining these complex things that I struggle with.
Your words are so on point! Hard to swallow, but so true! I’m so glad I found your channel
I feel so much better now! I know I am healing and on the right track. Thank you!.
Another great video, as always. I needed this today as I feel like I’m struggling and I have some difficult situations to deal with in the near future that are an anxiously attached persons worst nightmare. But watching this, I do recognize some of these things moving in the right direction for me and it gives me more hope and courage!
Hearing this is great for me, it's like you are spotlighting signposts on the long road ahead of me. I'll definitely be bringing your videos up with my new therapist and grabbing some literature on limerance. I'm actually kind of surprised some of these videos don't have more views.
Wow, this is so eye opening. Thank you!
omo u had uploaded the avoidant one in the morning and i was waiting for the anxious one and it's already here! wohoo
Oh, Heidi, thank you so much for this one I just stumbled upon.
I've been on this healing journey consciously for months now after a very nasty friendship break-up, and at times I still wonder if I'm making any advances, but after listening to you I recognise myself into all three steps (I voice them frequently with my best friend, too, because we support each other in our therapeutic endeavours.) It makes me feel so happy knowing I'm on the right path.
Lots of love.
Waiting for the perfect partner could also leave you lonely. Look for someone who is good enough and that you can grow with.
You read my soul with every Video I watch .... I'm anxious, and you have blessed my life with understanding. Thank You! 💜💛
You explained this so brilliantly. Thank you so much, Heidi!
1) makes perfect sense and I'm starting to integrate it. I also think what goes hand in hand is "if someone tells you what they are, believe them." I think these things are difficult to do when you've had an early honeymoon where it was open/warm and then there's withdrawal and emotional stonewalling.
2) Limerence has been SUCH a blind spot for me. It sucks because the earlier time in my life that I had limerence about someone, we ended up in a very meaningful and long term relationship, so I had always associated those fantasies to 'good' relationships. But I now know that if I am fantasizing about someone early, its if anything to be -extra- vigilant and careful and slow things down.
3) This one is so hard and I think I'm finally coming around to it and it has a lot to do with injecting self love and removing the self shit-talk and just having compassion. Eg - by virtue of being a human being, youre enough, worthy, valued.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this…hit home, but also helped me understand that I am on the right track!
This is amazing content Heidi. As an FA who has healed a lot of my anxious traits and is now dating an AP who is in total limerance and can struggle to self-regulate it was so helpful to have someone articulate why I'm finding their unhealed patterns challenging. Thank you.
Just to go on record ever watch all those sitcoms such as Two and a Half Men and How I met your mother? The relationship between Barney and Charlie and all those women angry at them for not willing to commit, is an Avoidance Attachment style (Charlie and Barney) and women that are Anxiety Attachment style (all those girls angry and upset because Charlie and Barney won't commit) Technically speaking, Charlie and Barney never did anything wrong. They never misled any girl to think it is a serious relationship. It is like when girls wanting a casual relationship with an athletic. The girl never misled the athletic to think it is a serious relationship. (and most single athletic take advantage of it and slept with a lot of girls. But, if one athletic is hoping to be more serious with a girl and the girl felt not the same way, that girl isn't doing anything wrong, she never misled him to think it is a serious relationship.)
PS: Just to go on record as an Avoidance style myself, I've been in that same position Barney is in many times with very clingy girls. And the irony is that, it never went as far as the bed room. It is usually just a girl you just met and you meet for a cup of coffee and you never agreed to be in a relationship, and she totally flip out when she saw you still texting other girls, despite you never told her it is a relationship, just knowing each other as just friends. Most real life AV know that girls are not that interest in one night stand. Therefore, unless you are extremely sexy and having girls wanting one night stand with you 24/7, most guys just befriend hot girls and stay as just friends, because we don't want a commitment and girls usually won't sleep with you, until you are at least on boyfriend/girlfriend term. But Anxiety type girl, they flip out because you won't commit and still talking to other girls. Even if it didn't get to the bedroom. You won't want talking to her again, after this.
PPS: Also, that scene where Barney hire actors to pretend to be his family, I know one AV guy that did just that. Funny thing is that he intentionally hired a girl that is gay. Because, there are so many stories of guys doing something like this, get a girl to pretend to be his girlfriend to get his mom off his back and the girl ended up falling in love with him. So, he intentionally found a girl that is a lesbian.
Ohhh, I wondered why I stopped having crushes all those years ago. This ia really encouraging, thank you for making this video 🥰
Thank you Heidi! This is so on point, and I found myself already on the journey of healing!
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
seems like I finally start healing after another bad break up. But I feel I could have needed that way earlier in my life. Loosing people this way by chasing them and the withdraw is wearing on the self worth
My Fiancé is Fearful Avoidant and I’m Anxious attachement style soooo yes I’m trying to heal, soul search & have a relationship with my self and SHOW UP FOR MY Self as of a month now.
I have felt very alone, unheard & Un loved w/my partner for the last year &30% of the time Un Safe.
Mannnn all along I thought it was him being “cold and not affectionate” in reality is our attachment styles that are not aligned to our wants and needs.😮
😢
Very well explained. Thank you so much for the awesome presentation skill. I am being able to detect the times I feel the need for validation from outside, I try to regulate my feelings, detect the exaggeration, and approach others in calmer state. I used to think whatever I feel is fact and I need to instantly share it.
I have a long history of meeting someone at work (because I'm kind of an introvert and mostly socialize at work where there's little choice). I find out early on she is off the table because she is married, in a serious relationship, half my age, or all of these; but i find her attractive, and just an awesome person for whatever reason. I decide we can be "friends." Gradually we start to talk, laugh, joke around. Other people may start to wonder what's up, and i like that. I talk to other co-workers less and less, and when i do, it's about her. I can't wait to go to work because it's now to see HER. I think fate has dealt me a cruel blow because we can't be more than friends. Then what i liked about her outgoing friendly personality turns to jealousy that she is a flirt. She starts to talk less and it's not fun anymore. So i panic and start asking why. It ends badly and we are no longer friends.
I know all this, yet it happens again and again. Why?
This great video gives me some understanding of the Why. But now How do i start being different?
I am thankful to you from the bottom of my heart....u hv transformed me..with just one lecture
Anxiously attached to Heidi😄
Hahaha
Self regulation is so hard, I've always had trouble with it, the super intense limerent emotions I felt for potential partners has stopped me getting in a relationship my whole life, when I eventually did, I fell into the anxious/avoidant trap, which turned abusive. Now, 20 years later I'm divorced and just about feeling ready to date, but I STILL get hit with this limerence, it's so, so overwhelming!! I can thankfully report after watching this video that I'm slowly starting to heal. But even with this latest woman, I couldn't even work up the courage to ask her out for coffee, or for her social media details for fear of what would happen. I eventually did and of course she's married, so that's that then, but managing the resulting emotional tidal wave is really tough. I've booked some sessions with my therapist to solve this. I've got a lot to work on.
You are amazing. Thank you, this was very helpful.❤
Part of me somehow can't believe that I'm actually healing and becoming more secure. It feels strange, but I'm excited to see where this healing process leads me to.
I💜 this vid & am so glad I've gotten em down
Still more work on regulation & funny that I said to self today more work is next step more practice. Awesome!
And I actually think this lady said it all so well. There was no remblkng on. Very well said a& easy to get. I think I've seen a vid or 2 of hers in the past.. I'm def subscribing now after watching this vid.
I swear this vid spoke to me
saying YOU HAVE BEEN TOTALLY ON THE RIGHT TRACK! 🤣
Thank you🌻
An other great video, thank-you very much
I'd never hurt a hair on the head of a certain person that triggers me watching these but it feels good to feel emotions
These vids explain things really well. IFS is the best system for healing
You are simple the best! ❤
I' m so relieved to notice i'm actually not going as out of the way as I thought I was!
not me figuring out ur an enfp 8..... no wonder ur channel is one of my safe spaces (enfp 8w9)... im looking at the bootcamp rn and putting it in my budget! so so so excited! and thank you so much for putting ur voice and words out into the ether?void? world?
She wanted to be with me, she showed up and was committed until I got deeply rooted in that relationship. Than she pulled away and left me bleed out. So much for recognizing and being able to keep boundaries. With some people it's just BS, you get rolled and can't do anything about it.
Amazing work! Thank you so much for your clear and concise explanations.
You spoke my reality 😢
Thankyou so much! ❤❤
your videos helped a lot. thank you
So helpful. Thanks Heidi.
You are awesome!!! Thanks, I am healing!!!
Thank you for this video! I needed to hear that!😊
Had i watched this video 3 months ago but alas I cant change the way i express myself just to fit others philosophy not who i am
I can see the first one also i have started seeing the second sign. Maybe I will heal completely someday
Wow, just watched this video and was so helped, thank you! Everything resonated. Encouraging and equipping.
Yay! I am proud of muself :)
It looks i am healing, thank you for your insights. 😊
I am an anxiously attached person. I've already figured out that this probably comes from my childhood. I just don't know where to begin my healing process and how to avoid this. 🙁
I know this is old, but I discovered the Personal Development School a little over a year ago and have found the videos to be immensely helpful. They also offer courses for all attachment styles that are very reasonably priced.
I like this video for the hope it's spreading
Thank you
Amazing information and sooo helpful👌🏼☕️
I put a sticky on my work laptop which says DO NOTHING. Highly recommended!
Oh nice ❤
Yes my biggest problems in life would not have occurred if I had just done nothing at the time. There is such a thing as active patience.
Hit me like a brick wall 💯
i know i have a lot of work to do to heal myself from anxious attachment but i have no idea where to start besides recognizing my patterns and hopefully catching myself when i'm falling into the old traits. how should i start the healing process?
hmph, lol. thank you. yay I am starting to heal! your videos are very helpful!
Can you be a mix of both anxious and avoidant?
Can you make a video on how to heal anxious attachment style?
Thank you for this
Does anyone have any tips for when you are finally healing from anxious attachment, you look back and feel so much regret about a lot of your behaviours/ actions in previous relationships? Now that I'm becoming more secure, it's almost embarrassing at times to look back on the ways I acted when I was triggered
Idk...I'm getting kind of annoyed at the portrayal of Anxious people going around like drug-seeking maniacs (the "drug" being a person to help regulate them).
I identify as Anxious and am fully aware I need to learn how to self-soothe. But I am NOT running around trying to hunt someone to "make me better" on a daily basis. And Heidi has said just that in several videos.
Good grief.
Idk - maybe I'm not highly Anxious on the spectrum?
Do I end up in relationships with Avoidants? Sure. I'm sure there's that deep, deep unconscious core wound around unlovable-ness buried in there. And an Avoidant reinforces my [unhealthy] comfort zone. Which, duh, isn't good.
But, at the same time, (I'll only speak for myself here), I'm not some clingy, desperate, craving blob of emotional neediness looking for a human wubbie every damn day.
Do I like reassurance in relationships because I have a robust fear of abandonment? Absolutely. Not because of some "percieved" abandonment. I *HAVE* been actually abandoned! Many times over!
I know DAs get vilified but I'm not down with "evening that score" by blanket-ly saying ALL Anxious people are, on a daily basis, looking - needing - someone to help regulate them.
Ok. Rant over.
I agree. I love your videos, Heidi and want to take full responsibility for my own unhealthy dynamics, but it’s clear to me too that it’s not that black and white and there is not just one model for it. I definitely have an anxious attachment style, but my last relationship was with a guy who chased after me when I wasn’t initially attracted and pulled me in with a script about themselves being the emotionally available male I had always been seeking. Then proceeded to back up that fantasy for six months, making himself completely available to me at all times (thereby eliciting an addictive reliance in me), until he got tired of the role and began the pulling away and drawing back in in a way that almost drove me insane. So the fantasy was actively presented for a good amount of time on his part and of course, being starved for that, I fully believed it and participated in it to my detriment.
.
Just saying this to show that it could a lot more nuanced and subtle, but I really do appreciate your videos, Heidi, and would love to learn more about healing and finding that core stability within myself.
I feel the same. i like the videos but sometimes I do feel like it has to be acknowledged that the whole avoidant/anxious relationship dynamic arises partly because the anxious person is actually sensing things in the avoidant person's shadow or just receiving mixed signals outright and even in secure relationships everything isn't necessarily as straightforward as people openly stating whatever their needs and desires are. Like we all view the world in our own way but it's important people don't basically gaslight themselves into thinking they cant sense reality anymore. Unless someone is completely and totally off the deep end of the spectrum there's usually a "there" there.
It's the same with trying to win people over. Sure it can be described in manipulative, but that's in the same way doing a good job at work is "manipulating" your boss into liking you, or being a caring parent is "manipulating" your kids. We all try to put our best foot forward when we really want things to work out. It's just being human. I find the videos overall very helpful, but I think the line between people's authentic selves and what's described as trauma wounds is blurry and that can sometimes result in "work" that is really just trying to forcefully overwrite your authentic self again.
@@TheEnriqueSpeed I just saw your comment. This, in part what you said: "I do feel like it has to be acknowledged that the whole avoidant/anxious relationship dynamic arises partly because the anxious person is actually sensing things in the avoidant person's shadow or just receiving mixed signals outright" is so spot on.
Can you tell me more about this part: "I think the line between people's authentic selves and what's described as trauma wounds is blurry and that can sometimes result in "work" that is really just trying to forcefully overwrite your authentic self again."" I I understand what you're trying to say but would really appreciate if you would provide more clarity.
Thanks!
Yep. This makes sense. My anxious attachment mostly presents as ruminating usually about confusing situations with other insecure attachments. I don't think I have a fear of being alone. I'm actually very introverted and love being by myself because then there's no compulsive need to caretake anyone which is super draining for me. I've got a pretty healthy sense of self esteem and consider myself pretty awesome outside romantic relationships.
I'm healing from Anxious Attachment, and am learning that I've never known how to self-regulate, and that this is something I would like to learn.
You talk often about how co-regulation and self-regulation are both good skills that a securely attached person can do. But if someone can successfully self-regulate, why would they ever co-regulate? What would be the purpose or utility of processing with someone else if you can process your own stuff by yourself?
Thanks. Pretty great!
Thank you so much, your videos are so enlightening! You just describe the process i ve been going through♥️
As usual all I can say is thank Heidy
It’s like she’s in my head..beginning recovery for anxious attachment
Holy shit!!!! This video was like being smacked in the face with a wet cat! Thank you!
The thing about limerence and crushes caught me good
Does Heidi offer individual therapy right now?
commenting to help with the algorithm
Can you heal your anxious attachment when you are not dating or in a relationship?
I feel so seen and read by this. 😂
I've noticed all three of these.
My problem now is trying to figure out if she's all avoidant, or narcissistic. Simply because she knows she is disorganized, avoidant . Yet 100% all of our triggers are always my fault. Yet she has another guy friend thatcomes to her like she is a sex counselor for his faling sexless marriage. So half of our back and forths always follow her spending time with him. Like she has guilt or shame that she brings into our relationship. Technically, now friendship.
Doesn't matter. I've lied to myself about her so many times . Once I woke up to that, i crashed my own dream.... but I wasn't tearing myself down in the process. Like she does.
The biggest problem when we talk, i want to understand. This comes across to her as manipulative. Maybe it's her disorganized part of the avoidant thing. Or it's a narc thing....what l know for sure is. This went far beyond mental this time. It went into digestive issues. I no longer abor nutrients, food.
I am also working on overthinking. Which is daily conscious streaming, daily mindful walks, daily graitude, making a routine, holding myself to that schedule.
Is there any way to work with you directly
The endless battle for humans to adapt to a societal structure foreign to their evolutionary emotional toolkit marches on...