Nothing is more frustrating than feeling angry, displaying anger symptoms then being asked, _"What are you so mad about?"_ .. and literally have no answer, so you fabricate a reason because you think the fabricated reason sounds more normal than saying, _"I have no idea why I'm angry."_
For the non-borderlines or mental health professionals here: that intensity and length of time the anger hangs around for is how borderlines experience emotions in general, it's just that you can actually see the intensity of the anger. But, chances are, our sadness and loneliness and happiness are just as intense. And for the most part, it hurts. If you've had shitty experiences with a borderline, I am genuinely sorry you went through that. But please don't forget to look at more than the anger. And remember every person with BPD is different.
It would feel like I was getting whipped with a lightning bolt when my ex would rage on me. It was awful, he wouldn’t stop, didn’t care if my family or friends or employers were around, weddings or a funeral wouldn’t stop him, my dad in the house only provoked his anger more! He would get SET off any time I wasn’t giving him my undivided attention, & torture/humiliate me with sadistic glee. He WANTED to hurt me. He finally got physical. Threatened suicide. Seemed genuinely remorseful. Got sober & therapy. AGAIN, he lost it. Truly painful & terrifying to be at the receiving end of his psychotic tantrums!!!
My mother's BPD rage was so scary. As a child I never even knew where it was coming from but she would explode from zero to 1000000 in a nano second and it was pure terror. I have ptsd from her and the rest of my crazy family and exes. Your videos are so helpful in my healing and understanding of what I was dealing with. There are none in my life now and it's peaceful and blissful.
I have only blown up outwardly a few times. All when I was being “abandoned” by people. But the anger is indescribable. I broke a door, ran out of the house and got into my car and started speeding and crying hysterically. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. I was really scared of hurting myself or someone else.
yes, very true! i have bpd and i get super angry perhaps when someone has abandoned or ignored me. so then i take it our on others, inanimate objects, or myself.
Yeah but when their rage/unprocessed grief has caused you a lifetime of pain, and grief it’s really, really, hard to care and hard to not leave them behind for better things and better people.
The rage is the main issue really: I think it'd be easier to support someone who fears abandonment and displays other traits (especially if you truly loved them), but the screaming, primal rages - later denied, or blamed on the other party - is the thing that sends the rollercoaster tumbling off the rails in the end IMO.
BPD mother flew into a rage last week in reaction to my display of empathy for her difficult life! Somehow the whole evening was about her difficult life and how I contributed to it when we were supposed to be celebrating a huge event in my life! It's like she feels deep emotional and physical pain when good things happen in my life. There is absolutely no way to deal with her. Hates compassion but complains nobody understands her. Hates other people's success or happiness. Fighting/arguing just fuels her rage. And to top it off...she began to describe how she never knows why I fight with her and I'm so cruel. She makes no sense. Her internal landscape is a disaster and I feel for her because that has to be painful, however, I am not available for her rage and instability. Not my job.
I am separated from my husband who seems to have BPD traits because after 2 years of being exposed to his varied types of anger I had developed a trauma bond with him. His displays of anger toward me included, silent treatment, insults disguised as jokes,passive agressive, and rage. Often he would give me gifts after the rage attacks but never admitted the behavior nor apologized, mostly just acted as though they didn't happen. At times he would call me his princess other times said I was evil. Sometimes during rage he would accuse me of infidelity, throw and break objects. He would call me names saying that I looked mad. Other times he was very sweet. I became a nervous wreck so I left. He still blames me for leaving after 6 months.
This video and Dr. Grande's analysis hits the nail on the head. A friend who wants more has been slowly driving me crazy over the years with his Jekyll and Hyde moods, his irrational seeming anger bouts, with intense mood swings and love bombing alternating with devaluation, on and on and on. Somehow everything is always my fault or the fault of everybody else in his present or past who slighted him and brought him down to the place he now is. He can seem reasonable and understanding one day and then switches back to rage and insults the next day. I ran out of sympathy and patience. It is a relief to hear his symptoms being described and explained here.
My mother denied every out of control rage she ever had. It never happened. I'm finding this a common trait with other people who had a borderline parent.
I don't. I'm often relaxed as I'm getting mad. Because it's slowly making me feel better. What DOES make me more angry....is being ignored by the person my anger is directed at. That's the EXACT moment shit gets ugly. Because I want nothing more....than for THEM TO HURT. And look at me or not.....THEY WILL HURT.
Because within seconds....seconds..... That's all my whole being is comprised of doing. MAKING THEM HURT. AND RECOGNIZING MY hurt. And I won't stop until they notice.
I grew up with a family of borderlines, I think I have mild BPD myself. I'll shed some light on the rage issue. BPD feels emotions to the extreme. What would normally roll off someones back as innocuous or a non issue tends to brood as a significant thing. Whether that is a slight, or perceived slight it stands out and becomes a big deal to that person. One word that can describe a BPDs mindset is justice. If someone is perceived to have done something to you, it's not just and that nags at you very intensely. A BPD tends to have very high expectations of people, government, social groups etc. They are routinely disappointed because thier expectations always fall short. Its extremely hard for a BPD to recognize that this is a product of thier own perceptions and not a realistic assessment of reality. Have patience with people with BPD. They can be the most caring people out there if they focus thier energies on love instead of revenge and anger. Always give them a fair deal and dont lie to them. It usually amounts to walking on egg shells, for better or worse.
I'll walk on your eggshells if you'll walk on my Legos. I've been on the receiving end of the predictably unpredictable rages of various BPD's over my lifetime due to circumstances beyond my control. I refuse to be held hostage by such behavior or the constant threat of it ever again. It's not anyone's job to keep you happy. If you are out of control, get professional help, no excuses, you're destroying those who dare to love you, if that matters.
I was diagnosed last year after a lifetime of not understanding what was wrong with me.... your videos are the first I've seen that really dig deep into the causes of things and the commonalities with this... and I just wanted to say thanks for that.
Thanks for making this video, and all the other videos you put out. My soon to be ex roommate has borderline personality disorder. He can be the nicest guy, but ever since the owner of our home got a girlfriend and is out of the house 4 nights a week, it's like open season for raging and belittling me. I will disengage and walk upstairs to my room, and he'll stand on the stairs continuing to yell about how little I care about HIM AND HIS FEELINGS. To be honest, I don't care much. He's just a dude that lives in the basement, but I wish the best for him. It's a little hard to do when he's said the most cruel things in his rages. But ultimately, he can be a really kind and caring individual
I got tired of trying to figure her out. Walking on eggshells never worked, she would just pull something out of nowhere and just be hurtful. Get out! Get out. Get out! Sooner, the better. Just leave, and love yourself. No one, deserves to be treated like that.
This deeply resonated with me. Thank you! My mother was what I refer to as a dry-drunk and her drug of choice was rage. She had an almost nonexistent threshold and once mad she would hang on to her anger for days - weeks sometimes - until it became rage. She would makeup things to be mad about! It was horrific to experience. So confusing and upsetting.
This is a very helpful and concise description of what's going on with BPD. With my mother, it usually started with her mumbling to herself, becoming more and more angry and louder, starting to smash cupboards shut and clatter loudly with the dishes with increasing intensity, until she finally exploded and vented her rage at other family members, who often had done nothing to provoke her. When you started to hear her self-talk, it was time to put on your shoes quietly and sneak out the door without her noticing it. If she noticed, she would explode immediately and you had to run as fast as you could.
Blossoming Have you ever just had to laugh at the ridiculousness of those temper tantrums? If I didnt my rage at the goofyness of how nothing will set these people off would make they're episodes look like a whimper. I cannot believe it's real.
Blossoming, OMGawd, your description of your mother's build up to her rage outs are EXACTLY the same as my mother's! It's been a long time since I witnessed her acting out so it brings back a lot of memories of my childhood. Geezus I got out of there as soon as I was old enough and try to have as little to do with her as possible. Did you find if you didn't manage to get away without her seeing you she would trap you and follow you round verbally abusing you. Aw gawd just awful awful. Once my mum exploded she would just rant and rant yelling and screaming abuse at everybody and everything for what seemed like hours. This was a regular weekly?/fortnightly occurance all throughout growing up. She really frightened us kids when we were little
Yeah... Revenge was definitely something I had to stop and analyze. My rage can be all consuming and it can make me explosive or dissociate from my own body and the world around me. I'm angry over alienating others with my anger and madness, but I know it's my fault and I hate myself after doing this.
I have seen that anger manifest automatically many, many times and watched the narrative written right in front of my eyes! The self-fulling prophecy is absolutely real. The anger has manifested and I was bombarded with questions until this person found something to be anger about. If she couldn't find anything, she'd make it up. It was insane. The premise was: "I'm angry. You're the cause! And I'll find a reason to justify my anger, even if it means being angry because I can't find a justification."
I'm trying to control the animal within me.. Everything in my life has been an emotional and financial struggle. I've been in survive mode for almost 30 years. It came from never having stability because I was a military kid with an abusive brother that sadly was old enough to remember what was done to him. Given my age and the economy, combined with parents that have a follow the rules first attitude and your wrong no matter what, and you get a guy like me. Now, I'm 38 and after almost 20 years of trying to make it in life I'm at a point of no fucks to give. I hate society, broke, cant get a house, cant get a full time job, cant keep a girlfriend and have lost all desire to get ahead. The only reason I'm alive is a promise that I made to my mom that I would bury her before I die.
This man described the rage and characteristics of BPD perfectly. Thank you . It was absolutely perfect. You don’t understand how perfect this video actually is
@ayyy lmao Thank you so much for explaining this so accurately! What's worse is after the "rage" you know that you've done damage and instantly feel an enormous amount of guilt, shame, remorse, and hurt for the wife or loved one you've affected, then instantly fall into a deep yet temporary depression, where you don't feel worthy of being loved, wanted or cared for by anyone, let alone your spouse. Then the fear of abandonment goes to level 10... so you isolate yourself to prepare for the worst. It's debilitating :(
I’ve learned and studied a lot about BPD. I was also in a relationship with a girl who had it. Plus she had depression and addiction. I learned a really scary thing that neither her or I was aware of. The disorder was always running and when things were good, it was piece by piece working in her head that bashed me. So it was always active and working on her mind of devaluing anything and everything I’ve done but it was insidious and she could handle it for a little because all the small shit didn’t add up yet. So when things were good or just got better after a fight, it was still in mode right away but it was ok because it didn’t work up to full capacity yet and could shrug it off until it added up. What I’m saying is it’s always on, working up to the next time for a blow up. For an example, if we just got through a fight and everything’s ok but right away it would tell me you don’t help out much, but you realize I’m human it’s not personal. But then I feel it a little harder when the thought comes, I’m a little frustrated but it’s ok. But then after that it tells me my significant lover thinks I’m a fool for putting up with that and then I lash out. It just works up little things piece by piece and manipulates the mind into thinking your with an asshole and your being used. Which none of this is true. We’re human and not perfect. That’s not personal, nor is that being a bad lover. BPD takes away the appreciation you would have and should have and it makes you entitled to exactly how you want it and anything less then your no good to them and deserve better. It talks shit on you no matter how well your treating the person with BPD. And they believe it over you, no matter how irrational it’s being. She had a therapist for awhile but she still snuck her using and relapsed and had therapy and would share with her therapist about her lapse. But nothing stuck and it was just an endless dance. She was aware of what it did. But her awareness didn’t stop the behavior. She couldn’t apply it and when bad things happened she blamed me. Which doesn’t make sense she knows the BPD bad it’s ways, so why wouldn’t she blame that instead of me? My answer is she listed to her BPD and thought it was her rational mind. And at the same time she probably couldn’t believe how bad it was so she assumed I did something wrong and that her BPD can’t be that bad. Plus the fact she was the problem didn’t sit well with her. And it wouldn’t for anyone but don’t put that shit on me.
I was diagnosed in 2015 but there wasn’t any content mainly because psychologist were known to not want to deal with BPD. Thank you Dr. Grande for putting out this content. This will sure help anyone!
I just came across this video and its so informative and helpful. My mother passed away a little over a year ago from cancer. She was diagnosed with bipolar but based on my experience of her sounds like a psychiatrist misdiagnosed her and she had BPD. I never understood my mother's rage and unpredictable behavior. I have CPTSD from being on edge my whole life. I was terrified of her some days growing up. I spent all my life trying to figure out how to care for her.
I’m in my mid twenties; I received my diagnosis at age 18 after 7 or so years of on-and-off CBT therapy. I’ve done a year of intensive DBT and continue to practice DBT with my mental health team. I find it really helps to watch videos like these; to remember that this anger isn’t “just a me problem.” I went searching for this video after experiencing a road rage episode wherein I was being tailgated. It’s been a full day since the incident happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it, and I still end up essentially re-triggering myself thanks to good ol’ mood dependant memory. I’m sure other borderlines with agree with me that it’s easier to be sad than it is to be angry, because anger demands action. It’s really, really hard to sit with that feeling (but not impossible, friends.) BPD anger is often really hard for other people to validate, so cheers for the informative clip. Information kills the stigma machine.
Dr. Grande, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type II & Borderline Personality Disorder. I just wanted to say I really enjoy your videos. I find them educational as well as interesting. Alot of the questions I have about my disorders, have been answered from watching your videos. Thank you.
Wow so many varied opinions here in the comments - "be kind" "run away" "ignore behaviour" etc etc May I suggest that every case and human is different, I have a pd, was brought up by a pd and have had to navigate many a relationship that is effected by pd from both sides and, all situations, although shades of the same colour require different approaches based on many factors. Cheers to everyone here who is working hard on themselves and the challenges pd's bring into our lives. Reading the comments, particularly from other pd diagnosed people ready and willing to work on thier symptoms has been so helpful for me, particularly the perspective that I am not alone and breaking through stigma to alleviate shame helps the process of moving on! 💜
My best friend of 30 years cut me off cold turkey for 'no reason'. In hindsight she has a history of unstable behavior , rages, promiscuity, intense interpersonal relationships for short periods of time and gets easily obsessed then bored. It's a scary thing to deal with. Thank you for the video.
It helps to know what anger looks like for an individual diagnosed with BPD. The anger is constant, intense, at a lower threshold, longer duration, automatic and triggered, internal & external. I see how the automatic anger may look like rage.
So impressed you are tackling aspects outside of the DSM. The DSM is so outdated and takes ages to update in a very fast evolving society. There are so many factors within this that needs to be addressed. You are seeing outside the box. I think you have an avenue in exploring sociology too. Sociology examines the pace of changes within a given culture.
And what about the parents that have to clean up the Fallout having a child with BPD? We don't get to run either. We are all here. Just doing our best. I wish that we had help around here. , unfortunately, my doctor tells me there is nobody to refer me to. #Canadaproblems
The self fullfilling profesy thing really resonates with my experience. My ex openly told me she had abandonment issues" but would precipitate the abandonment by treating me horribly. The profess that she was right all along and I was no different than,all her past boyfriends after all, who had all abandoned her or did something else horrible. She still not seeing this pattern repeat itself in her life
Dear Dr. Grande. Thank you so much for your video! My husband is three days after a rage episode and hasn't really spoken to me since. He seems to be coming out of it. Needless to say, it is very hard for the partner to be exposed to the rage, blame, and silence. Your video helped me understand him better and now I know to avoid saying or doing anything that will make him feel abandoned. Luckily we are both in therapy with wonderful, caring therapists.
The rage is hard to deal with. My sister has BPD and she is unreasonable during and after she accepts no responsibility. You can’t reason with someone like that. I refuse to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life.
Sometimes when I have an episode I get so overwhelmed with all the emotions that I just get even more angry. It seems like a petty temper tantrum but it feels so much more intense. I get so overwhelmed with emotions that I can’t think and I don’t know how to make sense of it. I typically end up self harming. I just want it to stop.
Thank you so much for this. I have BPD, recently diagnosed. Now I understand and can get help for myself. This was exactly what I did with my fiance, which in turn made things horrible. I'm currently looking for a therapist for DBT but am also doing research on my diagnosis to better understand and to prevent these things from happening. I appreciate your post very much. Thank you again.
I believe my husband has this. He disassociate and rage has been years. He takes on ideals of people he meets liking stuff he didn’t use to changing his self. His rage is horrible
Several illuminating descriptions here, which clearly explain the distinctive characteristics of the anger types, the causes, and how the processes work. This helps me to understand some recurring behavior that I am observing.
My exact words, what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Is something wrong with me? Am I doing somethings wrong? Am I crazy? Lack of insight of bpd bothered me daily. Thank you Dr grande. All this insights are very helpful.
At least you show some maturity by recognizing your problem and can avoid letting things get out of control. You can deactivate your "triggers" over time with some professional help.
How does one control their anger when seeing the rage? I see someone beating on someone, themselves or destroy things causing me to rage and scream. Automatic!! Especially if I hear of abuse towards babies and children.
For anybody who is affected by BPD, if you have a friend or loved one who is diagnosed. Have patience, be calm, and don't confront them on they're behaviour at the time of the outburst, that will only cause them to implode more, wait until they've calmed down, and talk it over when they can think straight. Also please try your best not to take anything they say out of anger to heart, they don't mean it, underneath all that rage, there's a person with extreme emotions they can't control, they don't choose to be this way, I understand that when it's good they can be one of the most caring, loyal people, but when it's bad it's like something out of a horror movie, and that must be just as exhausting for loved ones as it is for the person suffering with this, but it will get better, there is help out there, there's therapy that helps to manage symptoms, such as helping them to understand their emotions, and giving them coping strategies to deal with difficult emotions appropriately. There is hope, don't give up.
I've been trying to get my husband to understand that. "Dont try to tell me how to act or react when I'm like this, please, your words dont help me at all when I'm like this" Sarcastic response : "Well then when's a good time for you then"
Nobody has ever made me angry without becoming the object of my homicidal ideation. I'm sure there's an alternate dimension littered with the corpses of everyone who's ever offended me.
Those suffering from the angry sub type of BPD must not get into relationships until they have genuinely resolved their issues. Otherwise they will only be doing mental and possibly physical harm upon others as well as themselves. I really hope you all resolve your issues, so that you can live a fulfilling life. Remember that this is a test & you can overcome it, but you must be proactive, get help and keep educating yourself & trying different things & ways to control & overcome this condition.
Yes it can which what makes me so angry my mother abused me and caused bpd for me. That's what angers me and make me more angry. Then she wont stop ive blocked her but she finds way of getting to me.
I only understand this rage always as the rage traumatized ppl have. Those, that is more from instinct, and different from the emotion of anger. Impulsive, uncontrolled, damaging. As if someone fights in a situation, that could lead to death. And that rage doesn't fit to most of the situations, in which it occurs. It's a problem, if it's not expressed in a healthy way. Like sitting on a vulcano, that is highly active.
I get this really bad! Then my mind starts going really fast pacing the house... and it’s takes ages to get out of that zone which is frustrating! Feels like I’m in a weird bubble! Like there is no sense of time , like life is just one lonnnng day! Great video! 👌🏻
Way more primal...my doc gives me Clonazepam as a 'emergency break' but often I take it too late. It takes a while to build and it's not triggered w/o other background issues going on beforehand. I turn it on myself and will damage myself but NOT others. I have hatred of myself...The anger goes UP and then it's gone with in 24 hours leaving me utterly exhausted mentally and physically.
Hi Doctor Thank you. I have known 2 people in my life, who both said they had BPD. The thing I knew about both of them, was I did not think their anger was normal. The male, one time was in a WAWA, and another man, who knew him, saw him. They both liked each other. Well, the one man bought the guy with BPDs beverage. He got so angry that my friend paid for his drink, he was flipping out The average person would be grateful and say thank you, I would think. The woman, who said she had this, wow, she was like no other woman I have known, She may have had more then this, but she said she had BPD She got angry at every thing. And she was seriously, scarey to me, when she would make statements to me on her thoughts. She said things like, doesn't everyone have days when they wake up and just feel like breaking everything in the house? But scarier then that, was she could not get along with people, One day she told me, "I just feel like going into work with a Ozie and shooting them all. To me I thought that sounded insane. Thank God, she is no longer in my life. The man passed away. He did not speak of such violence's , like she did, but he would get angry for no reason. The woman, would think horrible thoughts like i told you , and she used the word hate alot She seemed to hate every one. I thank God, I do not have a problem like this.
Thank you for doing these videos!!! I have BPD and man do I struggle. I haven't had it explained in depth like this before. I have a hard time even finding someone to work with me who has plenty experience with BPD now that I have moved to a smaller city. Its frustrating and I know my loved ones surely try with me.
Borderline rage - the end result of trying to please an antisocial narcissistic family and having to start life with no preparation or education or support whatsoever. You can have all the insight in the world... Don't get close to anyone. Society loves a scapegoat just the way your family did. And your family has NAMI. You have no one.
This is true. However, to move on and not become like your narcissistic family members, you must let go of your victimhood at some point, otherwise the cycle continues with you. You can heal, it's not easy, but you can if you commit to it.
Imagine you are perfectly normal and you get accused of having borderline personality disorder and this makes you angry and defensive because you know that you don't have this, and then they Point their finger and say see look how angry you are getting proof that you have this
JB Weld made a comment below: "One word that can describe a BPDs mindset is justice." I recently was accused of something for which I was innocent--the person making the accusation did not have any of the facts and spoke from an assumption. Well, I have learned not to explode, so I simply listened. But when I got off the phone I went ballistic. I gave myself a week to calm down, wrote my accuser a very polite email detailing the facts, sat on the email for a day, plus had a friend--whom I trust--read the email, then I finally sent it. My accuser apologized. During the week I knew my anger was out of proportion to the offense. But I didn't know how not to be angry. I pray all the time: "God, deliver me from this anger." It's controlled anger in that it's private and people don't see it. But it is, nonetheless, overwhelmingly troublesome. Because I struggle with sleeping, that makes me more vulnerable to the anger. On the plus side, however, I make sure I get plenty of exercise (avid cycling), eat healthful food, read, knit, spend time with friends, work, church, etc. I almost have a perfect life except for the anger and also impulsiveness.
This video is excellent. I agree that borderline clients often don't know the source of the rage they feel. But I also think they sometimes recognize that their incessant brooding anger over early childhood events is inappropriate, so they attribute their angry outbursts to a more proximal cause (perhaps a family member who happens to be present).
I had a BPD diagonsis as a teen, though I don't qualify now. Still after all the mindfulness all the therapy I still get so angry that, even after I think about what I'm about to say, I feel as if it's the right thing to say and do it anyway. Then just after, I regret it. I don't understand why I'm like this
Im in something like a rage panic mode right now. I feel uncontrollable anger for an hour now. Instead of cutting myself I was searching for some healing words. It was a good idea
Even though this disorder is categorized under Cluster B of PD, I see it also fitting the criteria in the DSM-5 for Disruptive, impulsive and conduct disorders.
BPD sucks especially when you have bipolar, major anxiety, major depression and PTSD. I have all of them and all my relationships are falling apart because of the severity of my anger
No more pushing people away. no more distrust. no more anger explosions. no more switching personalities. no more blaming. no more high expectations. no more fear of abandonment. peace and love.
Hi ... i've given thumbs up for this video. I found many useful informations here for this "little" issue. sometimes anger gets you and manipolate your inner spirit... Thanks for your help.
One time I was making cookies with my boyfriend with BPD and he FREAKED out that I was eating the cookie dough. There was more with it, of course, but at the same time I didn't want his anger controling me so I ate more cookie dough and he just ran off to his room as if I had done something horrific. It turned out he randomly quit taking his medication (which causes him to not be stable), and this was before he was diagnosed. But it's been more than a year, and now the anger is different? We are still trying to work through it, he seems less angry with me and more with work and random people, but he's getting better with raging which is awesome. But he is more so irritable now, especially after work. I'm starting to get very tired of it, but I'm struggling with being able to communicate that he's acting irrationally without getting sucked up into his irrationality. Like I want to fight back. Fighting back works with some things, but this so far is just creating animosity between us. I don't really know what to do. We are going to be working on communication with our therapist, but our therapist is just a student therapist so I am always slightly concerned because my boyfriend is his first BPD paitent. It's an awesome therapist, don't get me wrong, I'm just a little worried is all. It's weird. Because he knows he's irratable about how he responds some of the time, but other times he's completely oblivious. then he doesn't understand why I'm upset and goes straight to name calling, we eventually talk it out, and then he apologizes. But I am tired of my emotions being minimized to "pouty" or "immature" whenever I stand up for myself. It's hard. Thankfully I'm not a push over otherwise this could be a hundred times worse. I just feel like at times I can't even TALK to him whenever he's watching something or doing anything. It gets a "what do you want!?" And I'm fed up.
My fiance is 63 yrs old....had a great childhood, great family. He has a great job and absolutely NO REASON to rage the way he does over minor things. It is so difficult and stressful to be in a relationship with someone like this because it comes out of nowhere. It used to be about twice a year (the really bad ones....the regular rage was there all the time). Now, it seems as though these rages (throwing things out the door, screaming, voice changes) are happening twice a month...every couple of weeks. Also, he is an alcoholic.
I've been praying to be released from this horrible feeling. It seems I am suddenly stimulating too much. Every day. I'm alone. My cat bugs me if she starts to eat. Come on.
The older i get the worse the anger gets. I am so bitter right now and i am so angry towards people. After a mental breakdown in 2021, i have not found a balance. I am just always angry. It is ridiculous. I try daily affirmations to help bring my mood up but nope. Someone always seems to piss me off and my whole attitude will change.
Oh god, I feel like I’m going down the road of self-diagnosing again... well if therapists weren’t so expensive and my mom would trust them then I would know for sure!
My boyfriend frequently has these silent physical temper tantrums at the most inappropriate times and for no reason at all. For instance, last night we were at my grand daughters dance recital and out of nowhere he started having this fit in his seat that drew a lot of unwanted attention and embarrassment to himself. When he has these episodes he also appears to be talking to himself. This time I confronted him and asked him if he hears voices in his head and he admitted he does but not random voices. It's his mothers voice. He hears her voice repeating all the negative things that she often says about me and he said he was getting angry at her because she triggered the outburst. Note: His mother hates me yet she's never met me. EVER. He admitted to struggling with this since his teen years. Has never talked to a doctor about it and he has only been diagnosed with ADHD as a child. He also admitted to beating his cats in adulthood. He has never been violent towards me but my gut feeling says run and don't look back but at the same time I want to get him the help he needs. What kind of disorder does this sound like? Very desperate here! Thanks.
I feel like my dad has borderline pd. The fits of rage he gets into are terrifying. While he's never been phsyically abusive, he's been extremely verbally abusive to those around him (me, my sister, and my mother). When he's in this verbally abusive mode, he becomes almost sadistic and predatory. He'll make us cry and feel scared with this satisfied (although still furious) look on his face. I feel like I may have it too, but I always keep my rage under control around others, and I don't directly affect my loved ones.
Men have BPD too. My ex is a text book case . Flew off the handle and screamed and raged for hours just because a male friend of mine innocently spoke to me in passing..Then flipped out because I said I was tired and didn't want to watch sport with him. More screaming rage. .. and on it would go. Then when I ended the relationship he went around to all my friends and told them I was a hooker. Even though I'm definitely not. Then he said " Well I had to get revenge on you some how for leaving me " ,when I confronted him about his lies.
I left the relationship 9 years ago. He is still so angry at me. Because we share a child, I am exposed to his rage at me every week. I tried to be overly compliant for years, hoping to appease him. Then two years ago I went gray rock. I knew he would escalate until he forced me to respond, and he did-I had to spend my life’s savings on attorneys fees, because he has taken me to court-for the fourth time. I just want peace for myself, and my child. I don’t want my entire life to revolve around his anger, and what he might do today. I guess now I have to fight. Because his declaration to the court is a word salad, rant style diatribe on what a terrible person I am, and because his demands are so unreasonable, my attorney tells me not to worry-this will go so badly for him he will never do this again, but I have known his for 11 years, and I know he will never give up, he will escalate.
My mother explodes whenever she doesn’t get her way. Sometimes, it is a seething silent rage. Other times, it is an outward explosion of rage. She takes a break to catch her breath before resuming an outburst. This cycle can go on for hours. Then, she will wake up in the middle of the night and resume the cycle.
Unfortunately I just had an outburst in front of strangers (test proctors) on webcam and mic, rising stress, exploded, self harmed, then cried. It was a lot of shame and guilt during the whole thing and the emotions really fueled one another. Trying to be more honest and objective with myself. It's just embarassing and shameful.
Nothing is more frustrating than feeling angry, displaying anger symptoms then being asked, _"What are you so mad about?"_ .. and literally have no answer, so you fabricate a reason because you think the fabricated reason sounds more normal than saying, _"I have no idea why I'm angry."_
Yes, quiet borderlines are only quiet until they're not. Even quiet borderlines rage.
For the non-borderlines or mental health professionals here: that intensity and length of time the anger hangs around for is how borderlines experience emotions in general, it's just that you can actually see the intensity of the anger. But, chances are, our sadness and loneliness and happiness are just as intense. And for the most part, it hurts.
If you've had shitty experiences with a borderline, I am genuinely sorry you went through that. But please don't forget to look at more than the anger. And remember every person with BPD is different.
It would feel like I was getting whipped with a lightning bolt when my ex would rage on me. It was awful, he wouldn’t stop, didn’t care if my family or friends or employers were around, weddings or a funeral wouldn’t stop him, my dad in the house only provoked his anger more! He would get SET off any time I wasn’t giving him my undivided attention, & torture/humiliate me with sadistic glee. He WANTED to hurt me. He finally got physical. Threatened suicide. Seemed genuinely remorseful. Got sober & therapy. AGAIN, he lost it. Truly painful & terrifying to be at the receiving end of his psychotic tantrums!!!
My mother's BPD rage was so scary. As a child I never even knew where it was coming from but she would explode from zero to 1000000 in a nano second and it was pure terror. I have ptsd from her and the rest of my crazy family and exes. Your videos are so helpful in my healing and understanding of what I was dealing with. There are none in my life now and it's peaceful and blissful.
I have only blown up outwardly a few times. All when I was being “abandoned” by people. But the anger is indescribable. I broke a door, ran out of the house and got into my car and started speeding and crying hysterically. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. I was really scared of hurting myself or someone else.
The rage is the unprocessed grief. It is misdirected anger and rage in interpersonal relationships.
Grief?
@Snow Flake Yea let's paint all people that have BPD with a paint brush of shit! You're an idiot,nice troll account snow flake :)
yes, very true! i have bpd and i get super angry perhaps when someone has abandoned or ignored me. so then i take it our on others, inanimate objects, or myself.
Yeah but when their rage/unprocessed grief has caused you a lifetime of pain, and grief it’s really, really, hard to care and hard to not leave them behind for better things and better people.
The rage is the main issue really: I think it'd be easier to support someone who fears abandonment and displays other traits (especially if you truly loved them), but the screaming, primal rages - later denied, or blamed on the other party - is the thing that sends the rollercoaster tumbling off the rails in the end IMO.
simon larson denied rages sounds more like narcissistic personality disorder.
BPD mother flew into a rage last week in reaction to my display of empathy for her difficult life! Somehow the whole evening was about her difficult life and how I contributed to it when we were supposed to be celebrating a huge event in my life! It's like she feels deep emotional and physical pain when good things happen in my life. There is absolutely no way to deal with her. Hates compassion but complains nobody understands her. Hates other people's success or happiness. Fighting/arguing just fuels her rage. And to top it off...she began to describe how she never knows why I fight with her and I'm so cruel. She makes no sense. Her internal landscape is a disaster and I feel for her because that has to be painful, however, I am not available for her rage and instability. Not my job.
I wish i had a good doc/therapist like you that i could trust. I don't feel safe reaching out for help. I don't trust anyone. Great video .
I am separated from my husband who seems to have BPD traits because after 2 years of being exposed to his varied types of anger I had developed a trauma bond with him. His displays of anger toward me included, silent treatment, insults disguised as jokes,passive agressive, and rage. Often he would give me gifts after the rage attacks but never admitted the behavior nor apologized, mostly just acted as though they didn't happen. At times he would call me his princess other times said I was evil. Sometimes during rage he would accuse me of infidelity, throw and break objects. He would call me names saying that I looked mad. Other times he was very sweet. I became a nervous wreck so I left. He still blames me for leaving after 6 months.
This video and Dr. Grande's analysis hits the nail on the head. A friend who wants more has been slowly driving me crazy over the years with his Jekyll and Hyde moods, his irrational seeming anger bouts, with intense mood swings and love bombing alternating with devaluation, on and on and on. Somehow everything is always my fault or the fault of everybody else in his present or past who slighted him and brought him down to the place he now is. He can seem reasonable and understanding one day and then switches back to rage and insults the next day. I ran out of sympathy and patience. It is a relief to hear his symptoms being described and explained here.
My mother denied every out of control rage she ever had. It never happened. I'm finding this a common trait with other people who had a borderline parent.
When I get mad ., I get mad that I’m mad.
LovelyMayhem SAME!! I recognize that I am angry before I used to just recognize it and not do anything about it,
ya i have problems with my problems too
I don't. I'm often relaxed as I'm getting mad. Because it's slowly making me feel better. What DOES make me more angry....is being ignored by the person my anger is directed at. That's the EXACT moment shit gets ugly. Because I want nothing more....than for THEM TO HURT. And look at me or not.....THEY WILL HURT.
Because within seconds....seconds..... That's all my whole being is comprised of doing. MAKING THEM HURT. AND RECOGNIZING MY hurt. And I won't stop until they notice.
wow same!
I grew up with a family of borderlines, I think I have mild BPD myself. I'll shed some light on the rage issue. BPD feels emotions to the extreme. What would normally roll off someones back as innocuous or a non issue tends to brood as a significant thing. Whether that is a slight, or perceived slight it stands out and becomes a big deal to that person. One word that can describe a BPDs mindset is justice. If someone is perceived to have done something to you, it's not just and that nags at you very intensely. A BPD tends to have very high expectations of people, government, social groups etc. They are routinely disappointed because thier expectations always fall short. Its extremely hard for a BPD to recognize that this is a product of thier own perceptions and not a realistic assessment of reality. Have patience with people with BPD. They can be the most caring people out there if they focus thier energies on love instead of revenge and anger. Always give them a fair deal and dont lie to them. It usually amounts to walking on egg shells, for better or worse.
I've never once heard about anyone having "high expectations" but maybe that's because I don't have it myself? I've got low standards
excellent worthwhile insight
rebecca finn how us this a good thing ?
Soooo true JB Weld. That is accurate
I'll walk on your eggshells if you'll walk on my Legos. I've been on the receiving end of the predictably unpredictable rages of various BPD's over my lifetime due to circumstances beyond my control. I refuse to be held hostage by such behavior or the constant threat of it ever again. It's not anyone's job to keep you happy. If you are out of control, get professional help, no excuses, you're destroying those who dare to love you, if that matters.
I was diagnosed last year after a lifetime of not understanding what was wrong with me.... your videos are the first I've seen that really dig deep into the causes of things and the commonalities with this... and I just wanted to say thanks for that.
Thanks for making this video, and all the other videos you put out.
My soon to be ex roommate has borderline personality disorder. He can be the nicest guy, but ever since the owner of our home got a girlfriend and is out of the house 4 nights a week, it's like open season for raging and belittling me. I will disengage and walk upstairs to my room, and he'll stand on the stairs continuing to yell about how little I care about HIM AND HIS FEELINGS. To be honest, I don't care much. He's just a dude that lives in the basement, but I wish the best for him. It's a little hard to do when he's said the most cruel things in his rages. But ultimately, he can be a really kind and caring individual
I got tired of trying to figure her out. Walking on eggshells never worked, she would just pull something out of nowhere and just be hurtful. Get out! Get out. Get out! Sooner, the better. Just leave, and love yourself. No one, deserves to be treated like that.
This deeply resonated with me. Thank you! My mother was what I refer to as a dry-drunk and her drug of choice was rage. She had an almost nonexistent threshold and once mad she would hang on to her anger for days - weeks sometimes - until it became rage. She would makeup things to be mad about! It was horrific to experience. So confusing and upsetting.
This is a very helpful and concise description of what's going on with BPD. With my mother, it usually started with her mumbling to herself, becoming more and more angry and louder, starting to smash cupboards shut and clatter loudly with the dishes with increasing intensity, until she finally exploded and vented her rage at other family members, who often had done nothing to provoke her.
When you started to hear her self-talk, it was time to put on your shoes quietly and sneak out the door without her noticing it. If she noticed, she would explode immediately and you had to run as fast as you could.
Blossoming Have you ever just had to laugh at the ridiculousness of those temper tantrums? If I didnt my rage at the goofyness of how nothing will set these people off would make they're episodes look like a whimper. I cannot believe it's real.
What is self-talk?
Blossoming, OMGawd, your description of your mother's build up to her rage outs are EXACTLY the same as my mother's! It's been a long time since I witnessed her acting out so it brings back a lot of memories of my childhood. Geezus I got out of there as soon as I was old enough and try to have as little to do with her as possible. Did you find if you didn't manage to get away without her seeing you she would trap you and follow you round verbally abusing you. Aw gawd just awful awful. Once my mum exploded she would just rant and rant yelling and screaming abuse at everybody and everything for what seemed like hours. This was a regular weekly?/fortnightly occurance all throughout growing up. She really frightened us kids when we were little
@@amandam1137 Talking or Ranting to yourself.......
I dont believe in hell but if i did, I'd think that abusive parents are burning in it
Yeah... Revenge was definitely something I had to stop and analyze. My rage can be all consuming and it can make me explosive or dissociate from my own body and the world around me.
I'm angry over alienating others with my anger and madness, but I know it's my fault and I hate myself after doing this.
I have seen that anger manifest automatically many, many times and watched the narrative written right in front of my eyes! The self-fulling prophecy is absolutely real. The anger has manifested and I was bombarded with questions until this person found something to be anger about. If she couldn't find anything, she'd make it up. It was insane.
The premise was: "I'm angry. You're the cause! And I'll find a reason to justify my anger, even if it means being angry because I can't find a justification."
I'm trying to control the animal within me..
Everything in my life has been an emotional and financial struggle.
I've been in survive mode for almost 30 years. It came from never having stability because I was a military kid with an abusive brother that sadly was old enough to remember what was done to him.
Given my age and the economy, combined with parents that have a follow the rules first attitude and your wrong no matter what, and you get a guy like me.
Now, I'm 38 and after almost 20 years of trying to make it in life I'm at a point of no fucks to give.
I hate society, broke, cant get a house, cant get a full time job, cant keep a girlfriend and have lost all desire to get ahead. The only reason I'm alive is a promise that I made to my mom that I would bury her before I die.
This man described the rage and characteristics of BPD perfectly. Thank you . It was absolutely perfect. You don’t understand how perfect this video actually is
@ayyy lmao Thank you so much for explaining this so accurately! What's worse is after the "rage" you know that you've done damage and instantly feel an enormous amount of guilt, shame, remorse, and hurt for the wife or loved one you've affected, then instantly fall into a deep yet temporary depression, where you don't feel worthy of being loved, wanted or cared for by anyone, let alone your spouse. Then the fear of abandonment goes to level 10... so you isolate yourself to prepare for the worst. It's debilitating :(
I’ve learned and studied a lot about BPD. I was also in a relationship with a girl who had it. Plus she had depression and addiction. I learned a really scary thing that neither her or I was aware of. The disorder was always running and when things were good, it was piece by piece working in her head that bashed me. So it was always active and working on her mind of devaluing anything and everything I’ve done but it was insidious and she could handle it for a little because all the small shit didn’t add up yet. So when things were good or just got better after a fight, it was still in mode right away but it was ok because it didn’t work up to full capacity yet and could shrug it off until it added up. What I’m saying is it’s always on, working up to the next time for a blow up. For an example, if we just got through a fight and everything’s ok but right away it would tell me you don’t help out much, but you realize I’m human it’s not personal. But then I feel it a little harder when the thought comes, I’m a little frustrated but it’s ok. But then after that it tells me my significant lover thinks I’m a fool for putting up with that and then I lash out. It just works up little things piece by piece and manipulates the mind into thinking your with an asshole and your being used. Which none of this is true. We’re human and not perfect. That’s not personal, nor is that being a bad lover. BPD takes away the appreciation you would have and should have and it makes you entitled to exactly how you want it and anything less then your no good to them and deserve better. It talks shit on you no matter how well your treating the person with BPD. And they believe it over you, no matter how irrational it’s being. She had a therapist for awhile but she still snuck her using and relapsed and had therapy and would share with her therapist about her lapse. But nothing stuck and it was just an endless dance. She was aware of what it did. But her awareness didn’t stop the behavior. She couldn’t apply it and when bad things happened she blamed me. Which doesn’t make sense she knows the BPD bad it’s ways, so why wouldn’t she blame that instead of me? My answer is she listed to her BPD and thought it was her rational mind. And at the same time she probably couldn’t believe how bad it was so she assumed I did something wrong and that her BPD can’t be that bad. Plus the fact she was the problem didn’t sit well with her. And it wouldn’t for anyone but don’t put that shit on me.
I was diagnosed in 2015 but there wasn’t any content mainly because psychologist were known to not want to deal with BPD. Thank you Dr. Grande for putting out this content. This will sure help anyone!
I just came across this video and its so informative and helpful. My mother passed away a little over a year ago from cancer. She was diagnosed with bipolar but based on my experience of her sounds like a psychiatrist misdiagnosed her and she had BPD. I never understood my mother's rage and unpredictable behavior. I have CPTSD from being on edge my whole life. I was terrified of her some days growing up. I spent all my life trying to figure out how to care for her.
I’m in my mid twenties; I received my diagnosis at age 18 after 7 or so years of on-and-off CBT therapy. I’ve done a year of intensive DBT and continue to practice DBT with my mental health team. I find it really helps to watch videos like these; to remember that this anger isn’t “just a me problem.” I went searching for this video after experiencing a road rage episode wherein I was being tailgated. It’s been a full day since the incident happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it, and I still end up essentially re-triggering myself thanks to good ol’ mood dependant memory. I’m sure other borderlines with agree with me that it’s easier to be sad than it is to be angry, because anger demands action. It’s really, really hard to sit with that feeling (but not impossible, friends.) BPD anger is often really hard for other people to validate, so cheers for the informative clip. Information kills the stigma machine.
Dr. Grande, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type II & Borderline Personality Disorder. I just wanted to say I really enjoy your videos. I find them educational as well as interesting. Alot of the questions I have about my disorders, have been answered from watching your videos. Thank you.
This explains everything!! None of the therapists I ever worked with explained my mother's rages like this. Thank you, Dr. Grande!
Wow so many varied opinions here in the comments - "be kind" "run away" "ignore behaviour" etc etc
May I suggest that every case and human is different, I have a pd, was brought up by a pd and have had to navigate many a relationship that is effected by pd from both sides and, all situations, although shades of the same colour require different approaches based on many factors.
Cheers to everyone here who is working hard on themselves and the challenges pd's bring into our lives.
Reading the comments, particularly from other pd diagnosed people ready and willing to work on thier symptoms has been so helpful for me, particularly the perspective that I am not alone and breaking through stigma to alleviate shame helps the process of moving on!
💜
He created a narrative to fit his rage. Yes! Ty for explaining it
My best friend of 30 years cut me off cold turkey for 'no reason'. In hindsight she has a history of unstable behavior , rages, promiscuity, intense interpersonal relationships for short periods of time and gets easily obsessed then bored. It's a scary thing to deal with. Thank you for the video.
It helps to know what anger looks like for an individual diagnosed with BPD. The anger is constant, intense, at a lower threshold, longer duration, automatic and triggered, internal & external. I see how the automatic anger may look like rage.
So impressed you are tackling aspects outside of the DSM. The DSM is so outdated and takes ages to update in a very fast evolving society. There are so many factors within this that needs to be addressed. You are seeing outside the box. I think you have an avenue in exploring sociology too. Sociology examines the pace of changes within a given culture.
God I feel so sorry for all the helpless kids who have one or more BPD parent and can't get away or defend themselves from it.
We are not all trying to be horrible parents :(
And what about the parents that have to clean up the Fallout having a child with BPD? We don't get to run either. We are all here. Just doing our best. I wish that we had help around here. , unfortunately, my doctor tells me there is nobody to refer me to. #Canadaproblems
Thank-you for this video, it helped me immensely. Whoever has you as a therapist is very fortunate.
The self fullfilling profesy thing really resonates with my experience. My ex openly told me she had abandonment issues" but would precipitate the abandonment by treating me horribly. The profess that she was right all along and I was no different than,all her past boyfriends after all, who had all abandoned her or did something else horrible. She still not seeing this pattern repeat itself in her life
Sound like you where not managing your symptoms.
Dear Dr. Grande. Thank you so much for your video! My husband is three days after a rage episode and hasn't really spoken to me since. He seems to be coming out of it. Needless to say, it is very hard for the partner to be exposed to the rage, blame, and silence. Your video helped me understand him better and now I know to avoid saying or doing anything that will make him feel abandoned. Luckily we are both in therapy with wonderful, caring therapists.
The rage is hard to deal with. My sister has BPD and she is unreasonable during and after she accepts no responsibility. You can’t reason with someone like that. I refuse to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life.
They have no accountability what so ever. The are extremely hard to deal with. The rage they have is just pure evil.
@@dwatson3995 They are filled with the power of RrRAaGGeeEEe!!
Spot on, doc. I feel like you just described what I feel and go through better than I am capable of.
Sometimes when I have an episode I get so overwhelmed with all the emotions that I just get even more angry. It seems like a petty temper tantrum but it feels so much more intense. I get so overwhelmed with emotions that I can’t think and I don’t know how to make sense of it. I typically end up self harming. I just want it to stop.
Thank you so much for this. I have BPD, recently diagnosed. Now I understand and can get help for myself. This was exactly what I did with my fiance, which in turn made things horrible. I'm currently looking for a therapist for DBT but am also doing research on my diagnosis to better understand and to prevent these things from happening. I appreciate your post very much. Thank you again.
I believe my husband has this. He disassociate and rage has been years. He takes on ideals of people he meets liking stuff he didn’t use to changing his self. His rage is horrible
Several illuminating descriptions here, which clearly explain the distinctive characteristics of the anger types, the causes, and how the processes work. This helps me to understand some recurring behavior that I am observing.
My exact words, what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Is something wrong with me? Am I doing somethings wrong? Am I crazy? Lack of insight of bpd bothered me daily. Thank you Dr grande. All this insights are very helpful.
I have BPD rage however, before I get to that point I try to remove myself because it gets very ugly and I don't lash out until I'm provoked .
Relatable
At least you show some maturity by recognizing your problem and can avoid letting things get out of control. You can deactivate your "triggers" over time with some professional help.
Yeah, the problem is the lashing out and ugly exceeding the provocation. Your comment sounded a little like justification.
when I rage I wanna torture and kill someone with no remorse
How does one control their anger when seeing the rage? I see someone beating on someone, themselves or destroy things causing me to rage and scream. Automatic!! Especially if I hear of abuse towards babies and children.
For anybody who is affected by BPD, if you have a friend or loved one who is diagnosed.
Have patience, be calm, and don't confront them on they're behaviour at the time of the outburst, that will only cause them to implode more, wait until they've calmed down, and talk it over when they can think straight.
Also please try your best not to take anything they say out of anger to heart, they don't mean it, underneath all that rage, there's a person with extreme emotions they can't control, they don't choose to be this way, I understand that when it's good they can be one of the most caring, loyal people, but when it's bad it's like something out of a horror movie, and that must be just as exhausting for loved ones as it is for the person suffering with this, but it will get better, there is help out there, there's therapy that helps to manage symptoms, such as helping them to understand their emotions, and giving them coping strategies to deal with difficult emotions appropriately.
There is hope, don't give up.
Thankyou so much for writing this compassionate and hope-filled response to this video. It really is so heart-warming to see
Thank you for your kind words. You explain it perfectly.
You have explained this so well. Thank you. I think being on the receiving end of this, it is difficult for people to properly understand.
Understanding needs to go both ways we don't need to be abused by BPD outburts and they need to take responsibility for their actions thanks
I've been trying to get my husband to understand that. "Dont try to tell me how to act or react when I'm like this, please, your words dont help me at all when I'm like this"
Sarcastic response : "Well then when's a good time for you then"
Nobody has ever made me angry without becoming the object of my homicidal ideation. I'm sure there's an alternate dimension littered with the corpses of everyone who's ever offended me.
Those suffering from the angry sub type of BPD must not get into relationships until they have genuinely resolved their issues. Otherwise they will only be doing mental and possibly physical harm upon others as well as themselves. I really hope you all resolve your issues, so that you can live a fulfilling life. Remember that this is a test & you can overcome it, but you must be proactive, get help and keep educating yourself & trying different things & ways to control & overcome this condition.
Borderline rage can adversely impact families and children deeply.
Yes it can which what makes me so angry my mother abused me and caused bpd for me. That's what angers me and make me more angry. Then she wont stop ive blocked her but she finds way of getting to me.
It a two way street neurotypicals do not get a free pass when it comes to handling symptoms.
I only understand this rage always as the rage traumatized ppl have. Those, that is more from instinct, and different from the emotion of anger. Impulsive, uncontrolled, damaging. As if someone fights in a situation, that could lead to death. And that rage doesn't fit to most of the situations, in which it occurs.
It's a problem, if it's not expressed in a healthy way. Like sitting on a vulcano, that is highly active.
I get this really bad! Then my mind starts going really fast pacing the house... and it’s takes ages to get out of that zone which is frustrating! Feels like I’m in a weird bubble! Like there is no sense of time , like life is just one lonnnng day! Great video! 👌🏻
Thank you so much. My girlfriend and I are having a really bad time cause of this.
Way more primal...my doc gives me Clonazepam as a 'emergency break' but often I take it too late. It takes a while to build and it's not triggered w/o other background issues going on beforehand. I turn it on myself and will damage myself but NOT others. I have hatred of myself...The anger goes UP and then it's gone with in 24 hours leaving me utterly exhausted mentally and physically.
..it's almost a 'reset' button!!!
Hi Doctor Thank you. I have known 2 people in my life, who both said they had BPD. The thing I knew about both of them, was I did not think their anger was normal. The male, one time was in a WAWA, and another man, who knew him, saw him. They both liked each other. Well, the one man bought the guy with BPDs beverage. He got so angry that my friend paid for his drink, he was flipping out The average person would be grateful and say thank you, I would think. The woman, who said she had this, wow, she was like no other woman I have known, She may have had more then this, but she said she had BPD She got angry at every thing. And she was seriously, scarey to me, when she would make statements to me on her thoughts. She said things like, doesn't everyone have days when they wake up and just feel like breaking everything in the house? But scarier then that, was she could not get along with people, One day she told me, "I just feel like going into work with a Ozie and shooting them all. To me I thought that sounded insane. Thank God, she is no longer in my life. The man passed away. He did not speak of such violence's , like she did, but he would get angry for no reason. The woman, would think horrible thoughts like i told you , and she used the word hate alot She seemed to hate every one. I thank God, I do not have a problem like this.
Thank you for doing these videos!!! I have BPD and man do I struggle. I haven't had it explained in depth like this before. I have a hard time even finding someone to work with me who has plenty experience with BPD now that I have moved to a smaller city. Its frustrating and I know my loved ones surely try with me.
Psychopaths rage, BPD just have intense outbursts of anger then after deep feelings or sadness, shame and anxiety.
Great video on Borderline Personality Disorder in relation to anger, this was a great refresher for me.
So glad you’re doing these videos.
Borderline rage - the end result of trying to please an antisocial narcissistic family and having to
start life with no preparation or education or support whatsoever. You can have all the insight in the world...
Don't get close to anyone. Society loves a scapegoat just the way your family did. And your family has NAMI. You have no one.
That is so true........🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥👊👊👊👊👊👍👍👍👍👍💯!!!!!!!!
wow. Yes.
We have other bpd friends!:)
This is so true. Wow.
This is true. However, to move on and not become like your narcissistic family members, you must let go of your victimhood at some point, otherwise the cycle continues with you. You can heal, it's not easy, but you can if you commit to it.
Wow! Best video! Wife is borderline. So difficult always made me feel I was bad until I got therapy.
Thank you
Imagine you are perfectly normal and you get accused of having borderline personality disorder and this makes you angry and defensive because you know that you don't have this, and then they Point their finger and say see look how angry you are getting proof that you have this
These people can explode in a split second and attack before you know whats going on. And after its over they will blame you!
Sound like many neurotypicals I know.
JB Weld made a comment below: "One word that can describe a BPDs mindset is justice." I recently was accused of something for which I was innocent--the person making the accusation did not have any of the facts and spoke from an assumption. Well, I have learned not to explode, so I simply listened. But when I got off the phone I went ballistic. I gave myself a week to calm down, wrote my accuser a very polite email detailing the facts, sat on the email for a day, plus had a friend--whom I trust--read the email, then I finally sent it. My accuser apologized. During the week I knew my anger was out of proportion to the offense. But I didn't know how not to be angry. I pray all the time: "God, deliver me from this anger." It's controlled anger in that it's private and people don't see it. But it is, nonetheless, overwhelmingly troublesome. Because I struggle with sleeping, that makes me more vulnerable to the anger. On the plus side, however, I make sure I get plenty of exercise (avid cycling), eat healthful food, read, knit, spend time with friends, work, church, etc. I almost have a perfect life except for the anger and also impulsiveness.
I’m sure I have this. Anger is my first emotion and I can’t control it. It’s destroying my relationships and my life
Steffers 71914 same
You are good enough.
This video is excellent. I agree that borderline clients often don't know the source of the rage they feel. But I also think they sometimes recognize that their incessant brooding anger over early childhood events is inappropriate, so they attribute their angry outbursts to a more proximal cause (perhaps a family member who happens to be present).
yo, so well put.
Both me and my father have borderline personality disorder so it’s a rather unhealthy environment around here
I had a BPD diagonsis as a teen, though I don't qualify now. Still after all the mindfulness all the therapy I still get so angry that, even after I think about what I'm about to say, I feel as if it's the right thing to say and do it anyway. Then just after, I regret it. I don't understand why I'm like this
Im in something like a rage panic mode right now. I feel uncontrollable anger for an hour now. Instead of cutting myself I was searching for some healing words. It was a good idea
Even though this disorder is categorized under Cluster B of PD, I see it also fitting the criteria in the DSM-5 for Disruptive, impulsive and conduct disorders.
This decribes my sister. It's so sad and frustrating.
BPD sucks especially when you have bipolar, major anxiety, major depression and PTSD. I have all of them and all my relationships are falling apart because of the severity of my anger
No more pushing people away. no more distrust. no more anger explosions. no more switching personalities. no more blaming. no more high expectations. no more fear of abandonment. peace and love.
Borderline rage = demonic spirit of anger imo
Hi ... i've given thumbs up for this video. I found many useful informations here for this "little" issue. sometimes anger gets you and manipolate your inner spirit... Thanks for your help.
One time I was making cookies with my boyfriend with BPD and he FREAKED out that I was eating the cookie dough. There was more with it, of course, but at the same time I didn't want his anger controling me so I ate more cookie dough and he just ran off to his room as if I had done something horrific.
It turned out he randomly quit taking his medication (which causes him to not be stable), and this was before he was diagnosed. But it's been more than a year, and now the anger is different? We are still trying to work through it, he seems less angry with me and more with work and random people, but he's getting better with raging which is awesome. But he is more so irritable now, especially after work. I'm starting to get very tired of it, but I'm struggling with being able to communicate that he's acting irrationally without getting sucked up into his irrationality. Like I want to fight back. Fighting back works with some things, but this so far is just creating animosity between us.
I don't really know what to do. We are going to be working on communication with our therapist, but our therapist is just a student therapist so I am always slightly concerned because my boyfriend is his first BPD paitent. It's an awesome therapist, don't get me wrong, I'm just a little worried is all. It's weird. Because he knows he's irratable about how he responds some of the time, but other times he's completely oblivious. then he doesn't understand why I'm upset and goes straight to name calling, we eventually talk it out, and then he apologizes. But I am tired of my emotions being minimized to "pouty" or "immature" whenever I stand up for myself.
It's hard. Thankfully I'm not a push over otherwise this could be a hundred times worse. I just feel like at times I can't even TALK to him whenever he's watching something or doing anything. It gets a "what do you want!?" And I'm fed up.
My fiance is 63 yrs old....had a great childhood, great family. He has a great job and absolutely NO REASON to rage the way he does over minor things.
It is so difficult and stressful to be in a relationship with someone like this because it comes out of nowhere. It used to be about twice a year (the really bad ones....the regular rage was there all the time). Now, it seems as though these rages (throwing things out the door, screaming, voice changes) are happening twice a month...every couple of weeks. Also, he is an alcoholic.
Dr. Grande.....you are excellent. I love your videos. Extremely helpful to my situation. Your clarifying aspects of each subject is perfection.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I've been praying to be released from this horrible feeling. It seems I am suddenly stimulating too much. Every day. I'm alone. My cat bugs me if she starts to eat. Come on.
A concise and clear presentation - very well done.
Thank you!
Ty, I've struggled with this and still do.
Dbt therapy is very good
Thank you for you have clarified so well what happened between me and my sister above me. She squashed my personality 😢
There was a lot of information in this video. I’ll have to give it another watch.
Thank you for explaining about what was evidently going on in my 63 year old BPD sister's head.
Our, (late), mother had BPD, too.
The best revenge is living your best life and not thinking about revenge and replacing it with grace towards others. ✨️
The older i get the worse the anger gets. I am so bitter right now and i am so angry towards people. After a mental breakdown in 2021, i have not found a balance. I am just always angry. It is ridiculous. I try daily affirmations to help bring my mood up but nope. Someone always seems to piss me off and my whole attitude will change.
Oh god, I feel like I’m going down the road of self-diagnosing again... well if therapists weren’t so expensive and my mom would trust them then I would know for sure!
My boyfriend frequently has these silent physical temper tantrums at the most inappropriate times and for no reason at all. For instance, last night we were at my grand daughters dance recital and out of nowhere he started having this fit in his seat that drew a lot of unwanted attention and embarrassment to himself. When he has these episodes he also appears to be talking to himself. This time I confronted him and asked him if he hears voices in his head and he admitted he does but not random voices. It's his mothers voice. He hears her voice repeating all the negative things that she often says about me and he said he was getting angry at her because she triggered the outburst. Note: His mother hates me yet she's never met me. EVER. He admitted to struggling with this since his teen years. Has never talked to a doctor about it and he has only been diagnosed with ADHD as a child. He also admitted to beating his cats in adulthood. He has never been violent towards me but my gut feeling says run and don't look back but at the same time I want to get him the help he needs. What kind of disorder does this sound like? Very desperate here! Thanks.
I just find it best to avoid these people. Unfortunately many of them are close relatives.
I feel like my dad has borderline pd. The fits of rage he gets into are terrifying. While he's never been phsyically abusive, he's been extremely verbally abusive to those around him (me, my sister, and my mother). When he's in this verbally abusive mode, he becomes almost sadistic and predatory. He'll make us cry and feel scared with this satisfied (although still furious) look on his face. I feel like I may have it too, but I always keep my rage under control around others, and I don't directly affect my loved ones.
Concise and right on target.
Thank you for explaining so well.
Men have BPD too. My ex is a text book case . Flew off the handle and screamed and raged for hours just because a male friend of mine innocently spoke to me in passing..Then flipped out because I said I was tired and didn't want to watch sport with him. More screaming rage. .. and on it would go. Then when I ended the relationship he went around to all my friends and told them I was a hooker. Even though I'm definitely not.
Then he said " Well I had to get revenge on you some how for leaving me " ,when I confronted him about his lies.
I left the relationship 9 years ago. He is still so angry at me. Because we share a child, I am exposed to his rage at me every week.
I tried to be overly compliant for years, hoping to appease him. Then two years ago I went gray rock. I knew he would escalate until he forced me to respond, and he did-I had to spend my life’s savings on attorneys fees, because he has taken me to court-for the fourth time.
I just want peace for myself, and my child.
I don’t want my entire life to revolve around his anger, and what he might do today.
I guess now I have to fight.
Because his declaration to the court is a word salad, rant style diatribe on what a terrible person I am, and because his demands are so unreasonable, my attorney tells me not to worry-this will go so badly for him he will never do this again, but I have known his for 11 years, and I know he will never give up, he will escalate.
My mother explodes whenever she doesn’t get her way. Sometimes, it is a seething silent rage. Other times, it is an outward explosion of rage. She takes a break to catch her breath before resuming an outburst. This cycle can go on for hours. Then, she will wake up in the middle of the night and resume the cycle.
Very interesting and completely new information. I can't wait to watch all of your other videos
Unfortunately I just had an outburst in front of strangers (test proctors) on webcam and mic, rising stress, exploded, self harmed, then cried. It was a lot of shame and guilt during the whole thing and the emotions really fueled one another. Trying to be more honest and objective with myself.
It's just embarassing and shameful.
Wonderful descriptions of borderline rage I see myself in everything you saying here
Gerard-Way yea me too