I can’t stop the rumination. I’ve watched so many hours of content and books on this stuff. Logically I understand what happened but emotionally I am still trying to figure out how someone could fake love to that level and intentionally hurt you.
Yes it's hard to wrap your head around because you don't have a brain like a Narcissist. I find Sam Vaknin's channel is great for getting some perspective straight from the horse's mouth. You've probably come across him already.
Ah yes me too it’s been 7 months and I find myself ruminating over him. I loved and he knew it but still chose to discard me because I put my foot down. Crazy stuff !!
@@Beth00009 what I'm going through,but so many people are on too him ,even in different counties and states,I'm so ready for him to get his self caught and me and my kids and grandkids will be free ,I've nv wanted to see anyone locked up for the rest of their life but I do him 🙌
@sherriekimberly6122 YOU know what hes like and that's the main thing, get away from him, I've walked away from all the ones I've know, Ive walked away from my entire family, he's put himself first for long enough, time you prioritised yourself now too 🩷
Yes. I notice the rumination. I want to put it to a full stop. Thank you for caring enough to make these videos to help the masses of people negatively impacted by these barely human zombies and shells of people who are stuck in lifeless loops of selfishness. I’m done!!!
@@debbievoss3496This echoes my story more or less. I constantly challenged things, was puzzled by others, put my foot down at times, and eventually this led to a speedier move through the stages because I was not playing ball and treating narcy like God. Throw in some push-pull and narcy devaluing attempts and shoddy behaviour and I was done, discarding the narcissist around 3 months in. NC since but seen the narc out and about. Always swerved it.
It’s been almost 33 months, and I’ve finally stop ruminating. I almost lost everything, including myself. When you hit rock bottom, you will start re capturing what little dignity you have left. Self love and self care will kick in. It will get better.
Its been 14 months for me since discard and no contact. I have hit that rock bottom you spoke about and its still hard for me post recovery. I ruminate about how a person who says they love you and choose to hurt you. My mind understands or atleast knows she is a narc and i still got to deal with her as we have kids. Even in that, my mind cant get over it. The future faking and the lies, knowing all of that its freaking hard to let it go, its so odd
I realize I am ruminating because I still believed in the fantasy, illusion, lies and dreams that I took over me during the relationship. Waking up from a nightmare, the lingering smoke still follow me. You are right, I thought we were there to save each other, but I saw how I was being bled to death.
I'm part there. I'm trying to see behind the fantasy and I can see her broken relationships with her children and family..still, crazy as I am, she's the Lady of my fantasy. Nightmare..
As a clinician I believe that the rumination comes from the confusion the victim is left with. Rumination is a battle that no one can see so when you do speak about it you get the unsupportive remarks like " the past is the past, move on and just stop thinking about it". Rumination actually retraumatizes the victim and keeps them stuck. It creates neural pathways in the brain that are very difficult to change. I use various techniques with clients but the client must also do the work to set themselves free. It is not a one-and-done relief treatment. It takes time
I found EMDR really helpful, although not so much for rumination but as a trauma therapy. It got me from a very bad place to a much more bearable one where I can get a decent night's sleep. It took 3 months of preparation work before I actually had the therapy, which was quite gruelling but had noticeable positive effects within days.
@@ladyvirgo013 - we did a timeline of traumatic events which had happened through my life and we worked on a "safe place" which you conjure up in your mind and go to mentally when you experience C-PTSD symptoms. They make sure you're fully prepared before they do the actual EMDR.
I was only in a 3 months relationship with a covert narcissist, but the effect on my psyche and mental health were disastrous. I feel it will take me years to get over it 😢. Thank you for your content Paula. Really helpful
"THE ANGER OF INJUSTICE WILL KEEP YOU RUMINATING ABOUT THE NARCISSIST."- You just totally nailed it! I think the question remains- how do you rectify injustice- specifically when its 1000% personal (or at least it feels like it is). Whoa I guess I just answered my own question.
It goes in waves for me - I can go months not thinking of them and blocked and then something will remind me of them or I’ll try to be with someone else again, and regress and reach out to them… it’s awful, I left over four years ago, it took three years to get totally untangled, and I still haven’t been able to recover my confidence or be with anyone else.. and am still negativity impacted. I developed a health condition and rapid aging around 40 and word on the street is they just married a young 25 year old and are “happily married” after knowing this person less than six months. I never… I find myself ruminating after learning this when I hadn’t been before so thank you for these last few and your channel.. your strong and authentic and like a caring mother influence I never had- learning about narcissistic abuse the past seven years since I met this demon has been baffling. I literally was just wondering if he was Truly a demonic force sent to destroy me before finding your channel.
As I stated on another channel: There was always the presence of things that should have not been there, and there was always the absence of what should have been there.🙏That’s a start…
We see the meat suit. And not knowing about what these creatures are we take them for real. We don’t know that this person is only acting. We don’t know we fall in love with a reflection of ourselves. There is no true self in the Narcissist. There’s no soul mate.
@@astrialindah2773 we fall in love with our own spirit. Not just the body. Narcissus was focused on the physical part only. That’s the difference. True self IS love. When the Narcissist fools us and then leaves we wake up. We realize who we are.
Rumination is a bad mental habit. I struggle with this for my whole Life coming from a narcissistic family. I really want to be healthy and have a truly nurturing and loving partner. 😢
What changed me concerning this , is my health was effected from being in a fight or flight environment for so long by choosing to stay with the narcissist for as Long as I did , there is a level of denial in these relationships . No one is worth that ..
4 years out , no contact intact but here I am watching another great video by Paula ! My rumination has lessened but it is still around , normal after over 30 years spent with the covert narc and still dealing with the divorce , he is holding on . But I am continually amazed and delighted how easy my life has become , no more rollercoaster ride ! Hang in there , it will all be ok and so, so much better without the narc .
Not quite 3 yrs out of a 30 yr relationship. I find myself still doing this damn ruminating. It's definitely not as bad as it was but it's still there. I wish it would go away.
33 for me and about 18 months out. I can't believe it, we lost a child and have 2 adult children. Absolutely brutal, my children don't talk to me because of her lies.
Im in the rumination phase right now. Love how you clearly described all the whys of the rumination and that there is a path forward. I am so thankful I found your channel Paula.
Daily writing. 3-10 handwritten pages/day, early on, was a place I could lay it out, and importantly, safely tell the whole story from the heart. Daily length reflected the intensity of my state. We know, unless a person has been through it, they don't get it, plus 99.9% of people that have not been through it have zero interest in The Story, and it just makes us sound crazy the more we try to explain it to the uninitiated. I had to work it out, somewhere, somehow, for myself. I seized upon the heavy rumination phase and gave it voice in writing. Therein I could work out what happened until I'd completely exhausted the topic, gradually arriving in the place where I understood what happened and I had to admit to myself that there was less and less to say or do about any of it. There was only Now, and I only have Now to work with. I finally arrived at: Nothing; The Nothing that came from nothing, the nothing of the mirage, the con, and see it all as a summation from the high peak. In that writing process, I also came around to remembering myself, my life, my internal voice of guidance, my passions, also coupled to this Now. I've guessed the helpfulness of the writing process amounted to thousands in free talk therapy.
Another terrific insightful video , Paula ❤ The fact is before I met my narc I had a pretty good vibe about myself and who I was . They burst into my life with their charm and intense FAKE charisma and I fell for it all , hook line and sinker . Within no time at all I was spellbound , bedazzled and hooked ! They introduced me to MANY new things and ideas , and over time I morphed into their obedient shadow , hanging onto their every word as the ONLY truth . Everything I did soon became about winning their approval and affirmation, something I know now they were never going to give , because my happiness was never their intension. , and neither was their respect ! When you FINALLY wake up and accept the fact that your doubts were actually correct and that you really were flogging a dead horse , you have no choice to leave , just for the sake of your own sanity . The problem lies in the TRAUMA BOND ! They programmed you over time to become completely dependent on them for your own truth and reality You end up running your thoughts and viewing the world through THEIR own eyes and viewpoint , to the point where you have completely lost yourself . As you continue on the long and often lonely road to recovery you will find yourself clinging to this as you slowly start to rebuild yourself back , brink by emotional brick ! Ironically for me there has been a twist in all of this . In a constant bid to try to impress and intimidated me over the years my narc had introduced me to a few things that have served to actually ENHANCE the new me ! They always claimed ownership or originality over certain things , and whenever we adopted any of these things we were accused of copying them . The inference is that WE were not worthy of such things . However now I know that nothing is truly unique or original and they had borrowed these things for themselves too ! You realise that DESPITE being told otherwise , you were always completely free to be , do and have whatever you like ! Now I seek NO-ONE'S permission or approval ! LONG LIVE MY NARCDAR !!! 😂❤X
Thank You So Very Much For Sharing this You Are Absolutely Right I Find Myself. Ruminating Everyday Over The Narcissits Brutal Emotional Abuse. I Find Myself Crying For No Reason. The Narcissits Decarded Me Cruely In April And I Haven't Recovered This Was The Worst Discard I Ever Experienced. I’m Severly Depressed. What Really Hurts Paula Is How This Person Used Me And Discarded Me Like Trash Treating Me Like I Never Existed. I Just Want To Feel Normal Again I Feel Like Im In Prison Narcisstic abuse is Brutal
I relate to you so much, I was brutally discarded by my fake husband of 12 years in May.....this is very painful 💔 realizing he never loved me, and always betrayed me is heart smashing
It’s been only three weeks, yet it feels like three years. He is already on three dating sites and I feel gutted. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I feel I’ve come undone and I truly don’t see how I’m going to get through this darkness.
I was in a 9 year relationship and the discard happened over a month ago. I want to forget her but I think about her even when I'm busy. Knowing that I did everything right gives me peace though. I can't imagine Ruminating about a fictional person for years
It is so many years after I discarded the narcissist and went no-contact. I am doing the work - self love, education, healing time (at its own pace), therapy, yoga, improved diet, etc. Even though I understand what I experienced and how I got there, because I had no clue about narcissism, I still find it unbelievable what happened to me. It is no longer about the narcissist. I am forever changed.
After 40 years of marriage , not knowing anything about narcissists and now I’m in shock and also relieved to know it wasn’t just me! It’s been 2 years separated and lots of painful ruminating, I’m still NEW to all this and my insides feel all messed up! It’s hard to Stop talking to him so hard.. he wants me back and keeps trying! But I’m in shock, I’m hurt, I’m confused, I’m lost 😞 and most of all I know I can’t go back and that’s another form of pain! All of it is so painful emotionally, physically all just torture! Constantly feeling bad for him on top of it all … I’m walking in shock.. I don’t cry, I don’t get angry I’m just here.. like a bad dream I’m stuck in!
I can validate you and feel exactly the same in a 30 year abusive and adulterous marriage on his part separated for 3 years and still going through high conflict divorce unable to stop the rumination and seeing him with new supply the pain is excruciating but I’ve had to choose which pain the pain of leaving or the pain of staying Thankyou for sharing wishing us all strength and peace 🙏💕
When someone has had such a big impact on your life it's going to be natural to mull over things . It's kind of like clearing up the long-term fallout from a meteorite strike 😂❤x
19 months after my narcissistic husband committed suicide, no one believes me. 38 yrs of marriage, looking back, he showed narcissist behavior, while we were teenagers! 18 months of extreme anxiety, the medical community, has labelled me a drug addict for wanting anxiety meds to help me, while I am process the nightmare has put me thru. He lived a double life the whole time I had known him. It is truly mind blowing! On top of that, people think i am lying! Like i could make all the things he did to me! My sons think I am crazy! Won't be happy until I am in a padded cell? I can't believe a person could be so evil! In his suicide letter, he said " He can't live with what he has done to me" no family support! I try day to day, but it is difficult! Very difficult!
Wow, that is tragic. I hope you can just believe in yourself and stop trying to get others to change their thinking. My mother was ground down by my narc dad to the point she was in bed and taking valium when I was about 10 yrs old. She divorced him after 36 years of marriage when he hooked up with a younger woman and stopped coming home at night. He abused her emotionally and verbally but usually in private so we children didn't know what was happening.. we were all afraid of him and his rage. She never recovered. And she lived to be 84! So I wish you the best and may you move ahead in life and find your true purpose .
Mine is finally moving her furniture and belongs out of my house . I've been looking at her items for the last four months,which hasn't done me any good. Because she pleaded domestic abuse she's now intiled to free housing and to top things off,she gets the removal company bill payed by the local council where she is now living 🙄. It just makes my blood boil that I'm made to look the bad one after everythink I did for her and her daughter. I do pity the poor man in her life next who gets fooled by her stories and lies. Yes I still love this woman but I now know that she was a blanet lier. It does hurt it really does.
My problem is that she is still doing things to affect me even from very far away. She’s using the children now to hurt me, not caring that the children are the ones suffering. Is been awful, nonetheless I am still alive and I can do things right for myself. Thank you Ma’am for your words and the knowledge on the subject. Is been very helpful for me.
Thank you Paula. Your content is on the money! Just hearing the rumination is normal has big impact. I may want this whole thing to be over and done, but the abuse is much more complex and intricate than I realize. It’s just gonna take time and I need to be patient. I recently became aware I was border line depressed and that was associated with the complexity of the grieving process. There was the death of the relationship, the death of the intended future of the relationship from my perspective, there is the death of part of me that completely loved the mask, and now I learn there is also the death of the illusion as well. Bless you Paula and thank you so much.
You are 💯on the money. The ex narc “borrowed” money kept moving the payback dates after I dumped him and then never paid back. I figured out he wanted me to chase, beg and plead for him to pay me back. I was so over him and the situation that I just blocked and deleted his number. That teamed with the fact that he got some young girl pregnant during our “relationship” now he’s turning up accompanied by this young lady all the places he knows I will be, my work place etc. can’t seem to escape his idiot.
I never got narc to sign a note and never set up payback dates so 20 years later I know I'll never get that money back. I get angry at myself for not requiring a note. At least I don't have to worry about ever seeing him again.
Oxytocin: Often called the “love hormone,” oxytocin is essential for childbirth, breastfeeding, and strong parent-child bonding. It can also help promote trust, empathy, and bonding in relationships. Levels generally increase with physical affection. Loving your videos Paula
@@thecrapartistxmy cats love me, and the vet tech who gives me a hug after a stressful visit to vet. But new vet is great--gabapentin for stressed out kitty!
Paula, you are helping me so much! This is where I'm stuck. It's been 5years out of the relationship of a 10year marriage. My head has all the information, I've stayed no contact, but still thoughts keep coming up in little waves. It makes no sense to me, it's so evil. I can't make sense of it. My mind won't just let it go. The destruction to my health was beyond imagination. I live each day trying to embrace the good things I have left in my life, my children and grandchildren and a few good friends. But the sadness and loneliness this caused seems insurmountable. I rely on God daily, he gets me through. Your videos really help to explain the trauma I've suffered. Thank you again Paula , you are a blessing to all of us who have gone through this.
Was married 20 years! The only way I could handle this abuse was to drink and started smoking. I thought when the children grew up that things would get better. I finally decided to divorce him. It’s been 6 years. He has had several relationships that haven’t lasted.He now wants to talk and get things off his chest. I said NO! Hardest thing I ever did! I do still love him but in listening to you Paula I did the right thing! I’ve longed for a marriage that with him would never have flourished. He was my ball & chain.
I wish I could stop ruminating, oscillating between guilt and knowing I did the right thing for my own mental health. Narcissist is sister, my Mother was one (I suspect - she passed when we were in our teens) We are now in our late 40's / early 50's. My sister was chosen as the golden child and I the discarded - I actually don't see this as the more hurtful position anymore. I see the damage to both categories equally. I think as the older sister she adopted my mother's negative traits and behaviours towards me. It took me years to see it and went from 'limitied contact' to 'grey rock' and now 'no contact' completely after a bad bout of being used and abused again. It's 2 years no contact. I'm hoping it gets easier. Toxic hope was that I wanted a reconcilation and healing. I see that as too 'Disneyfied' now. Thanks for your insights and reassurances. You are doing a great service for helping people to move on and not accept abuse again in personal relationships. We are not alone. 💚☘
I liken a narcissistic relationship as two people who get in a car crash. One was drunk, and the other was sober. Which one walked away? The drunk, because the impact of the crash didn’t affect him because his body was relaxed. (Drunk). The sober person was impacted because they were sober, therefore taking the brunt of the impact of the crash. NOT FAIR. Certainly inequitable.❤
I'm about 18 months into rumination after a 33 year situationship. I think it's getting better but how someone can do that to another human being is beyond me.
I'm glad you did this video Paula, Although I've been out of a female narcassist relationship over year nw, I still ruminate constantly about the situation, I feel alot better and realise that I was dealing with a female narcassist..but I am obsessing still quite alot about, "why I've not been hoovered" , which everyone says will happen, I ruminate alot about her being a 100% narcassitic, But her pattern of abuse ,shows she was one! I suppose its validation that I was right, I'd find seeing her with new supply alot easier to accept ! I've heard people say to me it can take years to get them completely out of your head,I hope not I do get light bulb moments all the time about things I missed out on when I was in the relationship. Look forward to part two Paula,I really enjoy these as I nw that I'm not the only one who's going through it👍
I've had constant ruminations and flashbacks for 12 years and have been no contact for almost just as long. I haven't figured out a way to make it stop.
When you get the chance, look up Narcissism & Cognitive Dissonance Michelle Dickey on RUclips. She will help you overcome this as this was a real demon you're dealing with. She's helped me tremendously. You are not alone, and you will come out victorious 🥲🫂.
I’m in 6 months no contact. He tried to Hoover me about a month ago. I’m holding strong but the ruminating is horrible. Thank wish I could take a pill to make it disappear. It’s pure hell. It helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle 😢
We were together for 12 years.. we've been separated for 2 years but continued our relationship even though we didn't live together she spent a lot of time with me. We have an 8-year-old daughter. She went to rehab and met a guy and left after 2 weeks. It's been one hell of a ride. It's over for good, though. I'm now fighting in court for my daughter's soul. Paula and a few others have kept me standing and have been my strength. The Lord has granted me strength and vision through others in this community. It's been very spiritual. I will get better, and I will heal.
It takes time. It is time well spent. I wrote, and sang (in my head sometimes) to encourage myself. (One that helped was back to life, back to reality.) There is increased healing once the no contact rumination period plods by. Everyones condition is unique. It took me almost two years to keep my mind from pulling back to the influence of their voices. There was the idea of why I was so caught up in this being my fault to heal from. I can, in my head or out loud, enjoy song lyrics of more depth now. (One is, have to believe we are magic, keeping our dreams alive, for you. Kinda dark and triggery.) Be you, and know you are Loved. 🌻🎵🌼💛🌿🍍🦉
With all these videos on narcissism, I am remembering a bunch of feelings of being pointedly left out of family matters for some scapegoat reasons. So much pain. I'm trying to welcome the memories , feel the feelings, accept that this happened, & ask God to help me be able to let go. It is getting easier, going on about 3 weeks of recovery about "this".
Excellent video as always Paula. Your channel is one of my favorites. This rumination is one of the difficult aspects of recovery. I went no contact 4 years ago and my ex narc is still like a little cartoon, dark cloud off to the side in my daily consciousness. I have even given it a frown. It’s not that I care anymore, I certainly don’t want him anymore and I hope I never see him again. My happiness and contentment have returned and I have moved on and I feel pretty good. Actually, I feel like I’m a new and improved version of myself now that I understand this disorder. However , the little dark, cartoon cloud with the little frown is always off to the side. Not sure if this is exactly rumination. Does anyone else experience this even though you are healed ?
Yes I'm 15 years out, still single,happily, and healed, yet , there is still a dark spot lurking in the shadows, not enough to cause anxiety, just enough to pop up now and then. Evidence that I'm still working on erasing those cartoons is that I'm here trying to learn and finally put it all to rest
Shocking is the biggest understatement ever regarding the discard. The confusion he created for me went on for ten months before I finally figured out what happened. He was masterful at using his flying monkeys
It took a year...I'm finally out of it. No more ruminating over a disgusting individual. I was lucky to have a good friend who understood and helped me navigate through the pain. I'm thankful for her.
It’s complex grief but after around 2-3 months the ability to go many hours without feeling pain or tears will eventually present. You’ll realize you’ve been engulfed in grief during this time and begin to look around and find positive things to smile about. You sometimes get real relief when you mentally imagine yourself closing your heart if you feel them pulling on your energy by thinking of you a lot.
Really dislike the codependency label. I feel like it’s victim blaming. We’ve been sucked into doing everything we can for someone because we love them.
Hey .Paula, can't wait for second part. By the way, I think it's oxytocin, which is an interesting hormone as I'm sure you know. Over thirty years with a narc and everything you mention has been present in one way or another. I suppose it's simplistic but the longer the 'relationship' the more difficult to avoid the rumination and self recriminations, especially where there are children involved who are still under the influence, so to speak. At the moment it feels as though I have to wear one of those lab suits that protect you from infection whenever I am contacted or have to make contact (usually for family reasons only) and that can be extremely uncomfortable metaphorically speaking. As always - work in progress Thanks again
Paula, I believe there is another very significant reason for our rumination. I have experienced what you have identified as "evil" in two malignant/sociopathic men: one was my father and the other was an intimate partner. The process of becoming aware that there is evil in the world and that no amount of love can heal the wounds caused to these individuals, forces a dramatic shift in our worldview. Becoming aware that there individuals in the world who are not only capable and motivated to cause harm, but whose life mission it is in to target, deceive, manipulate, exploit, and destroy others, is a devastating realization. For those of us who have been the targets of these twisted souls, our life is changed forever. We have suffered a personal holocaust. While others stand back in disbelief and denial that human beings are capable of such atrocities, the victims are abandoned. Any woman who has been the victim of intimate partner violence knows the deafening silence around the abuses inflicted by men against women and children. If we are not ruminating about the horrors of sexualized and gendered violence) inflicted against women and children by men, then who is? If we are truly the empathic and compassion human beings that have been conned and deceived by these twisted souls, do we not all have a duty to speak out and call out the evilness when we are the witness? For once we have see, we can never unsee. I wanted to share these beautiful quotes by Elie Wiesel, author of Night, to inspire others to stand up against evil when it is in front of us. “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.” ― Elie Wiesel “Human suffering anywhere concerns men and women everywhere.” ― Elie Wiesel, Night “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel “Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, which has turned my life into one long night, seven times cursed and seven times sealed....Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust. Never shall I forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never.” ― Elie Wiesel, Night “One person of integrity can make a difference.” ― Elie Wiesel
I broke up with my narc 3 years ago. I saw him the other day. He waves goodbye and smiled at me. I was a mess afterwards..I even dreamt about him... No it is not easy. I am single ever since having trust issues. I loved him so much but he took me for a fool..cheating.. lying. and still..i still think about him...I was hoping i would not.
I walked away from him at Christmas 2022 after my mum passed away. I felt like losing her gave me the strength to walk away from this cruel person. I then received a message from him on an unknown number after just over five months of no contact and he’s been in my head since which I am really struggling with so I’m looking forward to hearing about ways to get through this. This person does not deserve space in my head…..the trauma bond is awful! Thank you for your videos, they are really helpful x
Hello Paula. After all these years, i hardly ever think about him anymore. The only time i do think of him is if i hear one of our songs, and sometimes a figure of speech that i would hear will remind me of something that we used to say. Other than that, TIME really helped me. Also, my new friends who were terrific in helping me heal, were life savers. This is the best I've felt in years!
Our entire church congregation is suffering the abuse of a narcissistic pastor. There was no love bomb stage. It was begun by pure Power, Authority and threat of legal action. Her tools of control and manipulation are well known by everyone but many feel helpless and overwhelmed; also unwilling to take on the punishment we know will come when we resist. We are bound by a six month contract. There is no clause to end the 'relationship'. Unity is essential and constantly undermined. We are all in shock. I have shared your channel with many as we see how important it is that we educate ourselves to dispel confusion and empower/unite us. This is a scheme that is being implemented in many churches, not just ours. Thank you! Blessings! You are part of my daily bread.
Paula, you hit it on the nail with the "anger about injustice"--and, I would add, the callousness of leaving you in a desperate situation (against all their declarations and promises), they manipulated one into.
I cried for months and I beat myself up for not knowing he was someone who was not in my best interests. I put up with things that I would never have put up with before. I just couldn't believe I was so stupid. All my friends were shocked when they knew what I had allowed to happen to me. I couldn't understand how anyone could lie about their feelings for me. It took a while to find my peace again. My head was so messed up. I had never met a narcissist before so I was totally blindsided.
Paula's Narc Con University. Hey Paula, as the Dean of the University, you should give diplomas to the graduates! Lol ❤ When I listen to you, the Holy Spirit activates within me in confirmation of what you're saying. Rumination is a continual loop, just like a computer. That loop needs to be broken or redirected. The demon 😈 inside the host (narcissist) has isolated you from your healthy connections to others, so most of the energy is going to feed the demonic entity /energy vampire. That's why they isolate you. You've been traumatized and want to be alone, thus accentuating this connection so the negative energy demon within the host (posesed) can keep you locked in. Thus keeping you locked into them via a spiritual bond. That bond needs to be broken so the energy can be redirected. Basically, we need to be like a rebuilt computer, from the ground up! Lol The issue is that they can sense spiritually when you're starting to heal, and that's when the demon can sense it, and tries to get you to break no contact! Theyre looking to reconnect Lol The biggest thing is to get someone out into healthy activities that will help. Things like a bridge club, soccer, basically anything, including picking up a new hobby, like playing an instrument, etc. if at all possible. Especially anywhere where there are other people, too. I remember feeling alone in a crowd of a "1000" people because my brain was still in that loop. Anyways, if we had had unconditional love growing up, we would have had healthy boundaries, and we wouldn't have fallen into Satan, and his minion (Genral H.G. Tudor's) trap! Lol, I suppose I'd like to call Him a goofball, but actually, he's quite an intelligent chap, and we should have a healthy respect for staying away from evil. Even Michael, the Archangel didn't rebuke him, he left that job to the Creator! We have to break the spiritual bonds called soul ties too, that yes, affect the serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin and a host of other chemicals. Remember, these entities operate on the spirit of lust. They are void of love ❤️, but they bond us to them with the chemical activation of our organic computers! Lol In rebuilding our computers, we must apply the unconditional self-love and care that we should have gotten when we were children, and would have been downloaded properly. This is the real key to recovery. 😊❤😊❤😊 Self love, and care, thus building self esteem, and healthy boundaries!
It does stop.... I went back and married when I found out it was Trauma Bond. The ruminating took time to stop. Oh by the way I left him. It's hard work but you do wake up it does stop. Love and light
It's been 11 months and the ruminating has increased recently due to the fact that her newest supply she is now bringing into our young children's lives with days out and lots of time spent with him. Which my children talk alot about .
@NarcCon he was having an affair with my ex . Now It seems likely he has left his wife for her . He will regret his decision in due course . Knowing of all the lies and cheating she did to me in our 12 year relationship
I am still ruminating after one year being out of a 7year relationship … And I feel crazy that I still want him back even though I know sooo much about narcissism now… My brain doesn’t want to believe it even though it is like you sayd Paula and he is throwing his new relationship into my face . But he never makes it clear if it is his his new relationship or a friend … Never gone through pain like this before
I Thank Godthat the rest of my life is MINE. If i do ruminate i think of the good my children who are grown and who turned out great and i am grateful part of my marriage of 40 years .I finally have peace! God saved me
The loneliest thing is hearing words that should be amazing to hear but feeling nothing. knowing from the past that the words are strictly a manipulation tactic, shutting down is the only way
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone when I ruminate. After leaving my narcissist partner, I've had flashbacks for over 35 years. No counsellor understood, believing I was merely clinging onto the past. Yes, I was brainwashed and his contempt of me as a woman is reinforced by the media which doesn't really say much about women's lives, so the daily media triggers me to this day, although the media is these days a bit more woman-friendly.
Still ruminating 13 months on . He displays his new supply in-front of me who still has no idea as he’s in the love bombing phase !! He moved me in to a flat where I can see everything he does . I’m moving out in 3 months but I’ve had to witness everything. Seeing her car in my parking spot etc etc …. He made me give up my home , my animals, my job !! I’m angry and still can’t forget !! Yes mirrored my Father leaving overnight !!!
I'm 18 months out and have found the rumination waxes and wanes. It returns when I get triggered - the Narcdar is finely tuned and I find toxic behaviour from work colleagues, aquaintances or people in the street or in the news aggravates me to the point I wish I could go and live on a small island and tend a veg patch for the rest of my life. I think about other Narcs from the past who bullied and harassed me, not realising that they were Narcissists at the time. The veil has lifted, which I can see is a powerful experience and I'm grateful for it, but it also feels like a burden at the moment. I don't want the ex Narc to succeed in isolating me, but I'm mentally exhausted, tired of the bs of social media and office politics, it all seems petty and childish when you've been through a hellish mind**** that very few people seem to understand or even be aware of. I used to be sociable pre Narc, but now my own company seems safer. The solution hopefully is to keep on doing what I've been doing, try to be a kind person with strong boundaries and to practice self love and positive behaviours, and to pray when it feels difficult. Your videos are so appreciated Paula. Thank you.
Thank you. I do also appreciate the good souls. It's good to remember that's there's love and kindness out their still, this community is proof of it. Looking forward to your part 2 video. All the best 😊👍
I just want to say thank you so much for your channel. I was in an on/off relationship with a malignant covert narcissist for 2 years. I'm an empath and I didn't know anything about narcissism until about a year and a half into the relationship. I then went through a long phase of feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him even though I knew and all advice pointed towards you can't. I have managed to get away from him and got through my trauma bond (mostly). Since then I have been going through spiritual enlightenment and started to fully realize just how evil he is and I had a clear premonition (which I get quite often) and I truly believe narcissism is more than just a personality disorder. I believe it's a spiritual defect and that they are all controlled by the same evil spirit. I have found a few channels that also see it like this but your view of it exactly correlates with mine after really opening my eyes and fully understanding what I went through. You have a very, very clear view of what is going on out there and I just want to thank you so much for talking about it and send you some good energy as you are a beacon of light and clarity in a world that seems very ignorant of the reality of it all. Thank you so much ♥
Day 2 of Big D. Miss her terribly. I'd decided that, in spite of ALL the manipulation, I still loved her and could forgive everything. Well. I wasnt strong enough. Ii have to respect her wishes for no contact and that everything is my fault and she now hates me. 4 days ago, she loved me. Thank you Paula!
I have literally been like this for weeks, over thinking, why I allowed it to go on so long…. I believed everything she said, she said I wasn’t funny, I was boring, I’m a narcissist etc etc….. horrible things but constantly on my mind
It is still difficult for me because I am a person that doesn’t give up on a marriage and vows we took before God, and take that very seriously, always willing to learn and work on things. It really breaks my heart that someone is evil enough to do that to a person they spent eight years with, and hard to wrap your head around everything that happened and a divorce.
Co-parenting with one makes it seem like it's never going to stop as the only way to truly move on is to walk away from my son and I'll ruminate till the end of time before i'll do that. On the brighter side he's 15 so I don't have that long left of my sentence.
new to the channel. i have wanted revenge so badly. but ive been watching videos and really listening to you guys. i finally blocked him. im not leaving the door open for anything. theres nothing he could ever say that would be worth hearing. i feel so good.
In a nutshell, I come from a dysfunctional and psychologically abusive relationship with my father who was a covert narcissist and had robbed me of my self-worth, I was homeless with him for a very long time during my upbringing and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape that and had to go great lengths to get away from him. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological and emotional wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am and only if I meet certain criteria, and had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved. It’s just really unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. Yet, some online stranger on discord said to me “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and even a former friend laughs at me and invalidates me and minimizes my feelings saying “well they raised your brother and not you so he’s their kid and not you why do you think you deserve everything what he always gotten.” and that put more salt in the wound…it’s just really unfair, my aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and was like “why not come stay here?”. It has put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life, the most basic thing in the world… except for me I guess…
After listening to this very insightful message, i had an instinctive feeling overcome me that my inner child was wanting me to know that i AM a loveable sweet woman and i AM worth it and that THIS was a direct message from ME and NOT my narcissist. Paula is right in that with enough practice, you CAN and WILL be able to overcome the controlling grip that toxic person had over your life. Have faith and persist. You CAN free yourself with enough self awareness and self love ❤. Give yourself what that narcissist could NEVER give you, authenticity.
“Because you’re in a situation that you’re having to rebuild from.” THANK YOU PAULA!!!!!!! OMG! ❤ I have been trying to figure out WHY. It’s been a little while now and how it’s felt for me is like I’ve been trying to solve some sort of weird puzzle. I could see him for what he was and I could see the growth I’ve gone through as a result. But I could not figure out WHY I was experiencing some sort of rumination. Until today! Until this video! ❤ Before I met the narc, to be succinct, I had strategically positioned myself and my life in such a way that I could chase after my dreams. Then, as a result of the relationship, and all the subsequent, clean up/growth/etc I now find myself resuming to chase my dreams but no where NEAR the stability I had PRIOR to all the time, money, and resources I had BEFORE having gone through all that. Anyway, I don’t want to go in too long as I’m certain there are people out there who will understand the depths of these types of things. I appreciate you so much for shining the light. I’m going to focus on forgiving myself and the enormous personal growth I went through as a result. Keep shining the light Paula!
Feeling good stopped for me a long time ago, I'm not remembering feeling good for a very long time, only remembering all the conflict,no peace, kaos, lies. I keep remembering the last conversations with the narc, I just kept thinking and saying I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth, even when he was in hospital telling me he had 3 litres of blood, I said well I want to hear that directly from the staff or doctor, he finished with telling the nurse that was close by, to not tell me anything, I'm not to have any information, then telling me to get out. He faked an 8 day visit to the hospital to play the victim, I can't stand lies. He had the drip delivering 3 litres of hydration fluid. I stole the discharge paper's when it returned home. It's amazing to me he could fake 8 days in hospital , 6 years ago after a breast cancer diagnosis, I had a mastectomy. I spent 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. I keep thinking he so must have been thinking I was going to die, and the narc gets my house. That time is when a lot of things changed not for the better, now he is out of my house, and I am working with a solicitor towards a binding financial agreement, I'm 60. And I am having peace in my life after 25 years. I am not going to spend these last years. however long I live for fighting him daily just to have peace in my home and in my life.
Journaling is very important. I journaled all the hurt as it happened, because I tend to forget situations that happened, especially negative. Also Lao journal how you feel when ruminating
Your videos have been helpful. The key to a narc is that he/she does thing on purpose to watch you squirm. Like a cat playing with the mouse. Many of the examples in this video could be of narcissists or just of relationships that were unsuccessful without any malice.
YES PAULA!!! GREAT JOB!! I WISH THAT I COULD SHARE EVERYTHING! BUT I WILL SAY THAT ONE RUMINATING SYMPTOM WAS DURING MY AEROBICS CLASS I WOULD REMEMBER EXOTIC PLACES IVE BEEN IN THE PAST! IT TOOK OVER A YEAR FOR IT TO MOSTLY STOP. IT STILL HAPPENS SOMETIMES BUT MUCH LESS FREQUENTLY. SHALOM!🕊️
It really does get easier with time and definitely as little contact as possible. Keep your guard up dont fall for any bs no matter how convincing it may appear.
Thank you Paula! Watched this 4 times already as it summs up everything what i feel, but couldnt put into words. Thought iam going crazy and shamed of myself not being able to move on after only 6 month contact with Narc. The love bombing still echoing in my mind.
My ex discarded me the night my best friend died 2 weeks ago. He claimed to have listened to a phone call recording between his best friend and I while he was hospitalized. He claimed I said all kinds of horrible things and I am toxic along with many other negative things. I have never spoken to his best friend on the phone. I t9ld him I was going to ask his friend for a copy of the recording. He went insane threatening to smear my name and post every personal secret I ever shared with him. 2 weeks later I cant stop thinking about all he said.
The way i ruminate is thinking of MORE to say to him. I injured him badly by the end. I wasn't taking any more of his garbage and old narc traits in myself reared their ugly head. I was BRUTAL. "She" was back. I didn't like "her" in me. It took a NDE in 2018 to exorcise her. Thats why i can NEVER return to him.
I just started ruminating over the deceit and cheating that happened over 20 years ago. Went no contact 20 yr ago. I think i just lost my current goals and am 74 now. Self blame for giving him money and trust . I understand it now and must forgive myself ,i was a sort of enabler at that time.
Hardest part for me im a introvert my Livestock and fur babies keep me busy my daughter is someone I have never wanted to be a burden on I have wonderful life friends/family but growing up with brothers I miss my men friends I don't like women drama gossip and after almost 30 yrs and not young makes it difficult but I definitely do not want him anymore!!! Thank you for helping me on this journey of healing..hoping divorced soon but he is still playing games and trying to keep me a puppet on a string but that string is broken finally. You couldn't have said ME and HE better I always say I live in a fantasy world raised on the happy ever after movies and as we all know life in reality is not that way...and you livibing this life in the past and being a survivor makes all the difference knowing you speak from walking the walk you are not just saying what you think we want to hear.
Texted me all day every day for a year, except for three discards that only lasted a few days. At exactly a year, said it was over, only a few days after a romantic dinner-date. After I did something he didn't like, said sorry. He's been giving me the silent treatment for a month and 7 days. I feel like I fell off a cliff.
For me, it's hard to get over the intentional betrayal. I trusted an illusion.
Completely resonate ! I feel the same a complete illusion. Keep telling myself it will get easier with time and inner work . 🙏
We have all been there. And Still are That's why we are all Here.
Exactly.
Same 😢
For me, it's the intentional avoidance of me. Never spending time with me & daughter. Not out as a family. Hardly in the house either.
I can’t stop the rumination. I’ve watched so many hours of content and books on this stuff. Logically I understand what happened but emotionally I am still trying to figure out how someone could fake love to that level and intentionally hurt you.
Yes it's hard to wrap your head around because you don't have a brain like a Narcissist. I find Sam Vaknin's channel is great for getting some perspective straight from the horse's mouth. You've probably come across him already.
Same here…
so right. trust yourself. you always knew. this is what i have to remind myself of.
It all comes to you in God's timing, the shock does wear off, they're truly losers, and they know it!
Ah yes me too it’s been 7 months and I find myself ruminating over him. I loved and he knew it but still chose to discard me because I put my foot down. Crazy stuff !!
A narc is an undercover Bully ‼️
A narc's a bully full stop, when they wanna humiliate or embarass they'll do in front of other people
@@Beth00009 what I'm going through,but so many people are on too him ,even in different counties and states,I'm so ready for him to get his self caught and me and my kids and grandkids will be free ,I've nv wanted to see anyone locked up for the rest of their life but I do him 🙌
@sherriekimberly6122 YOU know what hes like and that's the main thing, get away from him, I've walked away from all the ones I've know, Ive walked away from my entire family, he's put himself first for long enough, time you prioritised yourself now too 🩷
Yes they are 100%. You are right about it.
Yes you are right, we do lose a sense of ourselves. Great point!
Yes. I notice the rumination. I want to put it to a full stop. Thank you for caring enough to make these videos to help the masses of people negatively impacted by these barely human zombies and shells of people who are stuck in lifeless loops of selfishness. I’m done!!!
"Stuck in lifeless loops of selfishness" indeed
Thank You Paula !!! 🌿🙏🌿🌺🌿😊🌿🎉
at was so well-put that I screen-shotted it to save. ❤
Two years for me after I took my ring off. Back and forth. By the grace of God I finally went NO CONTACT on 7-7-19.
I never totally bought into his bizarre reality. He just pissed me off with his narc attitude of ignoring me & not being with me.
@@debbievoss3496This echoes my story more or less. I constantly challenged things, was puzzled by others, put my foot down at times, and eventually this led to a speedier move through the stages because I was not playing ball and treating narcy like God. Throw in some push-pull and narcy devaluing attempts and shoddy behaviour and I was done, discarding the narcissist around 3 months in. NC since but seen the narc out and about. Always swerved it.
It’s been almost 33 months, and I’ve finally stop ruminating. I almost lost everything, including myself. When you hit rock bottom, you will start re capturing what little dignity you have left. Self love and self care will kick in. It will get better.
Its been 14 months for me since discard and no contact. I have hit that rock bottom you spoke about and its still hard for me post recovery. I ruminate about how a person who says they love you and choose to hurt you. My mind understands or atleast knows she is a narc and i still got to deal with her as we have kids. Even in that, my mind cant get over it. The future faking and the lies, knowing all of that its freaking hard to let it go, its so odd
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I realize I am ruminating because I still believed in the fantasy, illusion, lies and dreams that I took over me during the relationship. Waking up from a nightmare, the lingering smoke still follow me. You are right, I thought we were there to save each other, but I saw how I was being bled to death.
Well written!
Perfectly said!👍
I'm part there. I'm trying to see behind the fantasy and I can see her broken relationships with her children and family..still, crazy as I am, she's the Lady of my fantasy. Nightmare..
They are so talented at the game. She lost her mask a couple of times, took all my energy. Then she tricked me in again.
As a clinician I believe that the rumination comes from the confusion the victim is left with. Rumination is a battle that no one can see so when you do speak about it you get the unsupportive remarks like " the past is the past, move on and just stop thinking about it". Rumination actually retraumatizes the victim and keeps them stuck. It creates neural pathways in the brain that are very difficult to change. I use various techniques with clients but the client must also do the work to set themselves free. It is not a one-and-done relief treatment. It takes time
Will EMDR help with this? I was brutally discarded in May after 12 years of a marriage. Im struggling deeply
Yes..totally agree..great method to reset 🌹
I found EMDR really helpful, although not so much for rumination but as a trauma therapy. It got me from a very bad place to a much more bearable one where I can get a decent night's sleep. It took 3 months of preparation work before I actually had the therapy, which was quite gruelling but had noticeable positive effects within days.
@JH-td4mn thanks for Sharing. What did they have you do prior to the EMDR
@@ladyvirgo013 - we did a timeline of traumatic events which had happened through my life and we worked on a "safe place" which you conjure up in your mind and go to mentally when you experience C-PTSD symptoms. They make sure you're fully prepared before they do the actual EMDR.
I was only in a 3 months relationship with a covert narcissist, but the effect on my psyche and mental health were disastrous. I feel it will take me years to get over it 😢. Thank you for your content Paula. Really helpful
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Same exact time I was with my covert. It completely destroyed me. I understand 😢
So sorry. Mine was 3 years, long distance and I just about died I swear. Quick healing ❤️🩹
I know right? They get their claws deep into you within a matter of months.
Was with covert narcissist for 1 and a half year. Trying to leave what is now a toxic friendship. Its a nightmare!
"THE ANGER OF INJUSTICE WILL KEEP YOU RUMINATING ABOUT THE NARCISSIST."- You just totally nailed it! I think the question remains- how do you rectify injustice- specifically when its 1000% personal (or at least it feels like it is). Whoa I guess I just answered my own question.
❤
It goes in waves for me - I can go months not thinking of them and blocked and then something will remind me of them or I’ll try to be with someone else again, and regress and reach out to them… it’s awful, I left over four years ago, it took three years to get totally untangled, and I still haven’t been able to recover my confidence or be with anyone else.. and am still negativity impacted. I developed a health condition and rapid aging around 40 and word on the street is they just married a young 25 year old and are “happily married” after knowing this person less than six months. I never…
I find myself ruminating after learning this when I hadn’t been before so thank you for these last few and your channel.. your strong and authentic and like a caring mother influence I never had- learning about narcissistic abuse the past seven years since I met this demon has been baffling.
I literally was just wondering if he was Truly a demonic force sent to destroy me before finding your channel.
As I stated on another channel:
There was always the presence of things that should have not been there, and there was always the absence of what should have been there.🙏That’s a start…
We see the meat suit. And not knowing about what these creatures are we take them for real. We don’t know that this person is only acting. We don’t know we fall in love with a reflection of ourselves. There is no true self in the Narcissist. There’s no soul mate.
Falling in love with a reflection of yourself..... You know that's the story of narcissus right......??
Well said! Thank you.
@@astrialindah2773 we fall in love with our own spirit. Not just the body. Narcissus was focused on the physical part only. That’s the difference. True self IS love. When the Narcissist fools us and then leaves we wake up. We realize who we are.
Rumination is a bad mental habit. I struggle with this for my whole Life coming from a narcissistic family. I really want to be healthy and have a truly nurturing and loving partner. 😢
You be the loving partner for yourself first and foremost work from there
What changed me concerning this , is my health was effected from being in a fight or flight environment for so long by choosing to stay with the narcissist for as Long as I did , there is a level of denial in these relationships . No one is worth that ..
Same
Yes… I was having panic attacks daily. Daily! I thought I was dying and did not realize the anxiety was from him
4 years out , no contact intact but here I am watching another great video by Paula ! My rumination has lessened but it is still around , normal after over 30 years spent with the covert narc and still dealing with the divorce , he is holding on . But I am continually amazed and delighted how easy my life has become , no more rollercoaster ride ! Hang in there , it will all be ok and so, so much better without the narc .
Not quite 3 yrs out of a 30 yr relationship. I find myself still doing this damn ruminating. It's definitely not as bad as it was but it's still there. I wish it would go away.
33 for me and about 18 months out. I can't believe it, we lost a child and have 2 adult children. Absolutely brutal, my children don't talk to me because of her lies.
Im in the rumination phase right now. Love how you clearly described all the whys of the rumination and that there is a path forward. I am so thankful I found your channel Paula.
❤
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Me too!!!
Daily writing. 3-10 handwritten pages/day, early on, was a place I could lay it out, and importantly, safely tell the whole story from the heart. Daily length reflected the intensity of my state. We know, unless a person has been through it, they don't get it, plus 99.9% of people that have not been through it have zero interest in The Story, and it just makes us sound crazy the more we try to explain it to the uninitiated. I had to work it out, somewhere, somehow, for myself. I seized upon the heavy rumination phase and gave it voice in writing. Therein I could work out what happened until I'd completely exhausted the topic, gradually arriving in the place where I understood what happened and I had to admit to myself that there was less and less to say or do about any of it. There was only Now, and I only have Now to work with. I finally arrived at: Nothing; The Nothing that came from nothing, the nothing of the mirage, the con, and see it all as a summation from the high peak. In that writing process, I also came around to remembering myself, my life, my internal voice of guidance, my passions, also coupled to this Now. I've guessed the helpfulness of the writing process amounted to thousands in free talk therapy.
You have got it in a nutshell 😂❤
Self-Reflecting is so important and beneficial. The narcissist don’t self-reflect because they are full of themselves. This is a great video.
Another terrific insightful video , Paula ❤ The fact is before I met my narc I had a pretty good vibe about myself and who I was . They burst into my life with their charm and intense FAKE charisma and I fell for it all , hook line and sinker . Within no time at all I was spellbound , bedazzled and hooked ! They introduced me to MANY new things and ideas , and over time I morphed into their obedient shadow , hanging onto their every word as the ONLY truth . Everything I did soon became about winning their approval and affirmation, something I know now they were never going to give , because my happiness was never their intension. , and neither was their respect ! When you FINALLY wake up and accept the fact that your doubts were actually correct and that you really were flogging a dead horse , you have no choice to leave , just for the sake of your own sanity . The problem lies in the TRAUMA BOND ! They programmed you over time to become completely dependent on them for your own truth and reality You end up running your thoughts and viewing the world through THEIR own eyes and viewpoint , to the point where you have completely lost yourself . As you continue on the long and often lonely road to recovery you will find yourself clinging to this as you slowly start to rebuild yourself back , brink by emotional brick ! Ironically for me there has been a twist in all of this . In a constant bid to try to impress and intimidated me over the years my narc had introduced me to a few things that have served to actually ENHANCE the new me ! They always claimed ownership or originality over certain things , and whenever we adopted any of these things we were accused of copying them . The inference is that WE were not worthy of such things . However now I know that nothing is truly unique or original and they had borrowed these things for themselves too ! You realise that DESPITE being told otherwise , you were always completely free to be , do and have whatever you like ! Now I seek NO-ONE'S permission or approval ! LONG LIVE MY NARCDAR !!! 😂❤X
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Spot on, uncanny similarities which really help to validate my own experiences.
Thank You So Very Much For Sharing this You Are Absolutely Right I Find Myself. Ruminating Everyday Over The Narcissits Brutal Emotional Abuse. I Find Myself Crying For No Reason. The Narcissits Decarded Me Cruely In April And I Haven't Recovered This Was The Worst Discard I Ever Experienced. I’m Severly Depressed. What Really Hurts Paula Is How This Person Used Me And Discarded Me Like Trash Treating Me Like I Never Existed. I Just Want To Feel Normal Again I Feel Like Im In Prison
Narcisstic abuse is Brutal
The best of your life is ahead of you - you can recover, keep listening and learning and you’ll get there 🌻
@@jackiek3407
Thank you So Much🙏
A Narcissist only thrashes people they perceive as superior to them..🌹
I relate to you so much, I was brutally discarded by my fake husband of 12 years in May.....this is very painful 💔 realizing he never loved me, and always betrayed me is heart smashing
You are going to be alright.
It’s been only three weeks, yet it feels like three years. He is already on three dating sites and I feel gutted. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I feel I’ve come undone and I truly don’t see how I’m going to get through this darkness.
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I'm going what you're going through. Can't eat, can't sleep, neglected taking care of my personal hygiene. It feels like hell on earth .
Yes I know
Drop them like a hot potato and walk away. ❤ your message Paula
I was in a 9 year relationship and the discard happened over a month ago. I want to forget her but I think about her even when I'm busy. Knowing that I did everything right gives me peace though. I can't imagine Ruminating about a fictional person for years
Same here it’s so difficult and painful. It’s like a very unhealthy obsession. It has to get easier with time and inner work 💜🙏
It is so many years after I discarded the narcissist and went no-contact. I am doing the work - self love, education, healing time (at its own pace), therapy, yoga, improved diet, etc. Even though I understand what I experienced and how I got there, because I had no clue about narcissism, I still find it unbelievable what happened to me. It is no longer about the narcissist. I am forever changed.
After 40 years of marriage , not knowing anything about narcissists and now I’m in shock and also relieved to know it wasn’t just me! It’s been 2 years separated and lots of painful ruminating, I’m still NEW to all this and my insides feel all messed up! It’s hard to Stop talking to him so hard.. he wants me back and keeps trying! But I’m in shock, I’m hurt, I’m confused, I’m lost 😞 and most of all I know I can’t go back and that’s another form of pain! All of it is so painful emotionally, physically all just torture! Constantly feeling bad for him on top of it all … I’m walking in shock.. I don’t cry, I don’t get angry I’m just here.. like a bad dream I’m stuck in!
Just here is good for now 🌹🌹
❤️😊
I can validate you and feel exactly the same in a 30 year abusive and adulterous marriage on his part separated for 3 years and still going through high conflict divorce unable to stop the rumination and seeing him with new supply the pain is excruciating but I’ve had to choose which pain the pain of leaving or the pain of staying
Thankyou for sharing wishing us all strength and peace 🙏💕
@@kathpercy7941 thank you Kathy for your encouraging words! 🙏🙏❤️
@@NarcCon yes it’s helping 🙏❤️
I choose to shed toxic hope and believe in my innate value. Thank you Paula!!!❤
When someone has had such a big impact on your life it's going to be natural to mull over things . It's kind of like clearing up the long-term fallout from a meteorite strike 😂❤x
19 months after my narcissistic husband committed suicide, no one believes me. 38 yrs of marriage, looking back, he showed narcissist behavior, while we were teenagers! 18 months of extreme anxiety, the medical community, has labelled me a drug addict for wanting anxiety meds to help me, while I am process the nightmare has put me thru. He lived a double life the whole time I had known him. It is truly mind blowing! On top of that, people think i am lying! Like i could make all the things he did to me! My sons think I am crazy! Won't be happy until I am in a padded cell? I can't believe a person could be so evil! In his suicide letter, he said " He can't live with what he has done to me"
no family support! I try day to day, but it is difficult! Very difficult!
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Wow, that is tragic. I hope you can just believe in yourself and stop trying to get others to change their thinking.
My mother was ground down by my narc dad to the point she was in bed and taking valium when I was about 10 yrs old. She divorced him after 36 years of marriage when he hooked up with a younger woman and stopped coming home at night. He abused her emotionally and verbally but usually in private so we children didn't know what was happening.. we were all afraid of him and his rage. She never recovered. And she lived to be 84! So I wish you the best and may you move ahead in life and find your true purpose .
Mine is finally moving her furniture and belongs out of my house . I've been looking at her items for the last four months,which hasn't done me any good. Because she pleaded domestic abuse she's now intiled to free housing and to top things off,she gets the removal company bill payed by the local council where she is now living 🙄. It just makes my blood boil that I'm made to look the bad one after everythink I did for her and her daughter. I do pity the poor man in her life next who gets fooled by her stories and lies. Yes I still love this woman but I now know that she was a blanet lier. It does hurt it really does.
My problem is that she is still doing things to affect me even from very far away. She’s using the children now to hurt me, not caring that the children are the ones suffering. Is been awful, nonetheless I am still alive and I can do things right for myself.
Thank you Ma’am for your words and the knowledge on the subject. Is been very helpful for me.
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Thank you Paula. Your content is on the money! Just hearing the rumination is normal has big impact. I may want this whole thing to be over and done, but the abuse is much more complex and intricate than I realize. It’s just gonna take time and I need to be patient. I recently became aware I was border line depressed and that was associated with the complexity of the grieving process. There was the death of the relationship, the death of the intended future of the relationship from my perspective, there is the death of part of me that completely loved the mask, and now I learn there is also the death of the illusion as well. Bless you Paula and thank you so much.
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The hard part is that I can't see my granddaughters, if it weren't for them, I'm sure I wouldn't care nearly as much
You are 💯on the money. The ex narc “borrowed” money kept moving the payback dates after I dumped him and then never paid back. I figured out he wanted me to chase, beg and plead for him to pay me back. I was so over him and the situation that I just blocked and deleted his number. That teamed with the fact that he got some young girl pregnant during our “relationship” now he’s turning up accompanied by this young lady all the places he knows I will be, my work place etc. can’t seem to escape his idiot.
I never got narc to sign a note and never set up payback dates so 20 years later I know I'll never get that money back. I get angry at myself for not requiring a note. At least I don't have to worry about ever seeing him again.
Oxytocin: Often called the “love hormone,” oxytocin is essential for childbirth, breastfeeding, and strong parent-child bonding. It can also help promote trust, empathy, and bonding in relationships. Levels generally increase with physical affection.
Loving your videos Paula
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I only get oxytocin from cats.. people just make my cortisol levels rise.
@@thecrapartistxmy cats love me, and the vet tech who gives me a hug after a stressful visit to vet. But new vet is great--gabapentin for stressed out kitty!
Paula, you are helping me so much! This is where I'm stuck. It's been 5years out of the relationship of a 10year marriage. My head has all the information, I've stayed no contact, but still thoughts keep coming up in little waves. It makes no sense to me, it's so evil. I can't make sense of it. My mind won't just let it go. The destruction to my health was beyond imagination. I live each day trying to embrace the good things I have left in my life, my children and grandchildren and a few good friends. But the sadness and loneliness this caused seems insurmountable. I rely on God daily, he gets me through. Your videos really help to explain the trauma I've suffered. Thank you again Paula , you are a blessing to all of us who have gone through this.
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Was married 20 years! The only way I could handle this abuse was to drink and started smoking. I thought when the children grew up that things would get better. I finally decided to divorce him. It’s been 6 years. He has had several relationships that haven’t lasted.He now wants to talk and get things off his chest. I said NO! Hardest thing I ever did! I do still love him but in listening to you Paula I did the right thing! I’ve longed for a marriage that with him would never have flourished. He was my ball & chain.
I wish I could stop ruminating, oscillating between guilt and knowing I did the right thing for my own mental health. Narcissist is sister, my Mother was one (I suspect - she passed when we were in our teens) We are now in our late 40's / early 50's. My sister was chosen as the golden child and I the discarded - I actually don't see this as the more hurtful position anymore. I see the damage to both categories equally. I think as the older sister she adopted my mother's negative traits and behaviours towards me. It took me years to see it and went from 'limitied contact' to 'grey rock' and now 'no contact' completely after a bad bout of being used and abused again. It's 2 years no contact. I'm hoping it gets easier. Toxic hope was that I wanted a reconcilation and healing. I see that as too 'Disneyfied' now. Thanks for your insights and reassurances. You are doing a great service for helping people to move on and not accept abuse again in personal relationships. We are not alone. 💚☘
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I liken a narcissistic relationship as two people who get in a car crash. One was drunk, and the other was sober. Which one walked away? The drunk, because the impact of the crash didn’t affect him because his body was relaxed. (Drunk). The sober person was impacted because they were sober, therefore taking the brunt of the impact of the crash. NOT FAIR. Certainly inequitable.❤
It has been 4 years and I mostly don't think about it. But there are other days.................................................................
I'm about 18 months into rumination after a 33 year situationship. I think it's getting better but how someone can do that to another human being is beyond me.
I'm glad you did this video Paula,
Although I've been out of a female narcassist relationship over year nw,
I still ruminate constantly about the situation,
I feel alot better and realise that I was dealing with a female narcassist..but
I am obsessing still quite alot about, "why I've not been hoovered"
, which everyone says will happen,
I ruminate alot about her being a 100% narcassitic,
But her pattern of abuse ,shows she was one!
I suppose its validation that I was right,
I'd find seeing her with new supply alot easier to accept !
I've heard people say to me it can take years to get them completely out of your head,I hope not
I do get light bulb moments all the time about things I missed out on when I was in the relationship.
Look forward to part two Paula,I really enjoy these as I nw that I'm not the only one who's going through it👍
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I've had constant ruminations and flashbacks for 12 years and have been no contact for almost just as long. I haven't figured out a way to make it stop.
When you get the chance, look up Narcissism & Cognitive Dissonance Michelle Dickey on RUclips. She will help you overcome this as this was a real demon you're dealing with. She's helped me tremendously. You are not alone, and you will come out victorious 🥲🫂.
I’m in 6 months no contact. He tried to Hoover me about a month ago. I’m holding strong but the ruminating is horrible. Thank wish I could take a pill to make it disappear. It’s pure hell. It helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle 😢
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We were together for 12 years.. we've been separated for 2 years but continued our relationship even though we didn't live together she spent a lot of time with me. We have an 8-year-old daughter. She went to rehab and met a guy and left after 2 weeks. It's been one hell of a ride. It's over for good, though. I'm now fighting in court for my daughter's soul. Paula and a few others have kept me standing and have been my strength. The Lord has granted me strength and vision through others in this community. It's been very spiritual. I will get better, and I will heal.
It takes time. It is time well spent. I wrote, and sang (in my head sometimes) to encourage myself. (One that helped was back to life, back to reality.) There is increased healing once the no contact rumination period plods by. Everyones condition is unique. It took me almost two years to keep my mind from pulling back to the influence of their voices. There was the idea of why I was so caught up in this being my fault to heal from. I can, in my head or out loud, enjoy song lyrics of more depth now. (One is, have to believe we are magic, keeping our dreams alive, for you. Kinda dark and triggery.) Be you, and know you are Loved. 🌻🎵🌼💛🌿🍍🦉
With all these videos on narcissism, I am remembering a bunch of feelings of being pointedly left out of family matters for some scapegoat reasons.
So much pain. I'm trying to welcome the memories , feel the feelings, accept that this happened, & ask God to help me be able to let go. It is getting easier, going on about 3 weeks of recovery about "this".
Excellent video as always Paula. Your channel is one of my favorites. This rumination is one of the difficult aspects of recovery. I went no contact 4 years ago and my ex narc is still like a little cartoon, dark cloud off to the side in my daily consciousness. I have even given it a frown. It’s not that I care anymore, I certainly don’t want him anymore and I hope I never see him again. My happiness and contentment have returned and I have moved on and I feel pretty good. Actually, I feel like I’m a new and improved version of myself now that I understand this disorder. However , the little dark, cartoon cloud with the little frown is always off to the side. Not sure if this is exactly rumination. Does anyone else experience this even though you are healed ?
Yes I'm 15 years out, still single,happily, and healed, yet , there is still a dark spot lurking in the shadows, not enough to cause anxiety, just enough to pop up now and then. Evidence that I'm still working on erasing those cartoons is that I'm here trying to learn and finally put it all to rest
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@@Mcc1956 Mine doesn’t cause any anxiety either. It’s just kind of there.
Shocking is the biggest understatement ever regarding the discard. The confusion he created for me went on for ten months before I finally figured out what happened. He was masterful at using his flying monkeys
It took a year...I'm finally out of it. No more ruminating over a disgusting individual. I was lucky to have a good friend who understood and helped me navigate through the pain. I'm thankful for her.
It’s complex grief but after around 2-3 months the ability to go many hours without feeling pain or tears will eventually present. You’ll realize you’ve been engulfed in grief during this time and begin to look around and find positive things to smile about. You sometimes get real relief when you mentally imagine yourself closing your heart if you feel them pulling on your energy by thinking of you a lot.
Really dislike the codependency label. I feel like it’s victim blaming. We’ve been sucked into doing everything we can for someone because we love them.
Hey .Paula, can't wait for second part. By the way, I think it's oxytocin, which is an interesting hormone as I'm sure you know. Over thirty years with a narc and everything you mention has been present in one way or another. I suppose it's simplistic but the longer the 'relationship' the more difficult to avoid the rumination and self recriminations, especially where there are children involved who are still under the influence, so to speak. At the moment it feels as though I have to wear one of those lab suits that protect you from infection whenever I am contacted or have to make contact (usually for family reasons only) and that can be extremely uncomfortable metaphorically speaking.
As always - work in progress
Thanks again
Paula, I believe there is another very significant reason for our rumination.
I have experienced what you have identified as "evil" in two malignant/sociopathic men: one was my father and the other was an intimate partner.
The process of becoming aware that there is evil in the world and that no amount of love can heal the wounds caused to these individuals, forces a dramatic shift in our worldview.
Becoming aware that there individuals in the world who are not only capable and motivated to cause harm, but whose life mission it is in to target, deceive, manipulate, exploit, and destroy others, is a devastating realization.
For those of us who have been the targets of these twisted souls, our life is changed forever. We have suffered a personal holocaust. While others stand back in disbelief and denial that human beings are capable of such atrocities, the victims are abandoned.
Any woman who has been the victim of intimate partner violence knows the deafening silence around the abuses inflicted by men against women and children.
If we are not ruminating about the horrors of sexualized and gendered violence) inflicted against women and children by men, then who is?
If we are truly the empathic and compassion human beings that have been conned and deceived by these twisted souls, do we not all have a duty to speak out and call out the evilness when we are the witness? For once we have see, we can never unsee.
I wanted to share these beautiful quotes by Elie Wiesel, author of Night, to inspire others to stand up against evil when it is in front of us.
“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”
― Elie Wiesel
“Human suffering anywhere concerns men and women everywhere.”
― Elie Wiesel, Night
“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
― Elie Wiesel
“Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, which has turned my life into one long night, seven times cursed and seven times sealed....Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust. Never shall I forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never.”
― Elie Wiesel, Night
“One person of integrity can make a difference.”
― Elie Wiesel
I broke up with my narc 3 years ago.
I saw him the other day.
He waves goodbye and smiled at me.
I was a mess afterwards..I even dreamt about him...
No it is not easy. I am single ever since
having trust issues.
I loved him so much but he took me for a fool..cheating.. lying. and still..i still think about him...I was hoping i would not.
I walked away from him at Christmas 2022 after my mum passed away. I felt like losing her gave me the strength to walk away from this cruel person. I then received a message from him on an unknown number after just over five months of no contact and he’s been in my head since which I am really struggling with so I’m looking forward to hearing about ways to get through this. This person does not deserve space in my head…..the trauma bond is awful! Thank you for your videos, they are really helpful x
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The chemical aspects are so key - must address the biochemical addiction to the narc. Thank-you!
Absolutely!
Hello Paula. After all these years, i hardly ever think about him anymore. The only time i do think of him is if i hear one of our songs, and sometimes a figure of speech that i would hear will remind me of something that we used to say. Other than that, TIME really helped me. Also, my new friends who were terrific in helping me heal, were life savers. This is the best I've felt in years!
Our entire church congregation is suffering the abuse of a narcissistic pastor. There was no love bomb stage. It was begun by pure Power, Authority and threat of legal action. Her tools of control and manipulation are well known by everyone but many feel helpless and overwhelmed; also unwilling to take on the punishment we know will come when we resist. We are bound by a six month contract. There is no clause to end the 'relationship'. Unity is essential and constantly undermined. We are all in shock. I have shared your channel with many as we see how important it is that we educate ourselves to dispel confusion and empower/unite us. This is a scheme that is being implemented in many churches, not just ours.
Thank you! Blessings!
You are part of my daily bread.
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Paula, you hit it on the nail with the "anger about injustice"--and, I would add, the callousness of leaving you in a desperate situation (against all their declarations and promises), they manipulated one into.
I cried for months and I beat myself up for not knowing he was someone who was not in my best interests. I put up with things that I would never have put up with before. I just couldn't believe I was so stupid. All my friends were shocked when they knew what I had allowed to happen to me. I couldn't understand how anyone could lie about their feelings for me. It took a while to find my peace again. My head was so messed up. I had never met a narcissist before so I was totally blindsided.
Paula's Narc Con University. Hey Paula, as the Dean of the University, you should give diplomas to the graduates! Lol ❤
When I listen to you, the Holy Spirit activates within me in confirmation of what you're saying.
Rumination is a continual loop, just like a computer. That loop needs to be broken or redirected. The demon 😈 inside the host (narcissist) has isolated you from your healthy connections to others, so most of the energy is going to feed the demonic entity /energy vampire. That's why they isolate you. You've been traumatized and want to be alone, thus accentuating this connection so the negative energy demon within the host (posesed) can keep you locked in. Thus keeping you locked into them via a spiritual bond.
That bond needs to be broken so the energy can be redirected.
Basically, we need to be like a rebuilt computer, from the ground up! Lol
The issue is that they can sense spiritually when you're starting to heal, and that's when the demon can sense it, and tries to get you to break no contact! Theyre looking to reconnect Lol
The biggest thing is to get someone out into healthy activities that will help. Things like a bridge club, soccer, basically anything, including picking up a new hobby, like playing an instrument, etc. if at all possible. Especially anywhere where there are other people, too.
I remember feeling alone in a crowd of a "1000" people because my brain was still in that loop.
Anyways, if we had had unconditional love growing up, we would have had healthy boundaries, and we wouldn't have fallen into Satan, and his minion (Genral H.G. Tudor's) trap! Lol, I suppose I'd like to call Him a goofball, but actually, he's quite an intelligent chap, and we should have a healthy respect for staying away from evil. Even Michael, the Archangel didn't rebuke him, he left that job to the Creator!
We have to break the spiritual bonds called soul ties too, that yes, affect the serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin and a host of other chemicals.
Remember, these entities operate on the spirit of lust. They are void of love ❤️, but they bond us to them with the chemical activation of our organic computers! Lol
In rebuilding our computers, we must apply the unconditional self-love and care that we should have gotten when we were children, and would have been downloaded properly.
This is the real key to recovery. 😊❤😊❤😊 Self love, and care, thus building self esteem, and healthy boundaries!
I believe you may have earned your Masters 🌸🥳
@@NarcCon Working on a Doctorate! Lol 😆 🤣 😂
Thank you! I’ve watched/read hundreds of videos and articles on narcissism and none of it has covered rumination like this. Looking forward to part 2.
You are so welcome
It does stop.... I went back and married when I found out it was Trauma Bond. The ruminating took time to stop. Oh by the way I left him.
It's hard work but you do wake up it does stop.
Love and light
It's been 11 months and the ruminating has increased recently due to the fact that her newest supply she is now bringing into our young children's lives with days out and lots of time spent with him. Which my children talk alot about .
That really does make it harder.
He’s going to go through her cycle they do the same to everyone 🌹
@NarcCon he was having an affair with my ex . Now It seems likely he has left his wife for her . He will regret his decision in due course . Knowing of all the lies and cheating she did to me in our 12 year relationship
Yup, mind-blowing..don't grieve what never existed...they were a hologram... Wow!
I am still ruminating after one year being out of a 7year relationship …
And I feel crazy that I still want him back even though I know sooo much about narcissism now…
My brain doesn’t want to believe it even though it is like you sayd Paula and he is throwing his new relationship into my face .
But he never makes it clear if it is his his new relationship or a friend …
Never gone through pain like this before
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I Thank Godthat the rest of my life is MINE. If i do ruminate i think of the good my children who are grown and who turned out great and i am grateful part of my marriage of 40 years .I finally have peace! God saved me
The loneliest thing is hearing words that should be amazing to hear but feeling nothing.
knowing from the past that the words are strictly a manipulation tactic, shutting down is the only way
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone when I ruminate. After leaving my narcissist partner, I've had flashbacks for over 35 years. No counsellor understood, believing I was merely clinging onto the past. Yes, I was brainwashed and his contempt of me as a woman is reinforced by the media which doesn't really say much about women's lives, so the daily media triggers me to this day, although the media is these days a bit more woman-friendly.
Still ruminating 13 months on . He displays his new supply in-front of me who still has no idea as he’s in the love bombing phase !!
He moved me in to a flat where I can see everything he does . I’m moving out in 3 months but I’ve had to witness everything. Seeing her car in my parking spot etc etc ….
He made me give up my home , my animals, my job !!
I’m angry and still can’t forget !!
Yes mirrored my Father leaving overnight !!!
I'm 18 months out and have found the rumination waxes and wanes. It returns when I get triggered - the Narcdar is finely tuned and I find toxic behaviour from work colleagues, aquaintances or people in the street or in the news aggravates me to the point I wish I could go and live on a small island and tend a veg patch for the rest of my life. I think about other Narcs from the past who bullied and harassed me, not realising that they were Narcissists at the time. The veil has lifted, which I can see is a powerful experience and I'm grateful for it, but it also feels like a burden at the moment. I don't want the ex Narc to succeed in isolating me, but I'm mentally exhausted, tired of the bs of social media and office politics, it all seems petty and childish when you've been through a hellish mind**** that very few people seem to understand or even be aware of. I used to be sociable pre Narc, but now my own company seems safer. The solution hopefully is to keep on doing what I've been doing, try to be a kind person with strong boundaries and to practice self love and positive behaviours, and to pray when it feels difficult. Your videos are so appreciated Paula. Thank you.
I found this happened also, it’s a stage in process, focus on the good people you meet and think hard on those experiences 🌹🌹
Thank you. I do also appreciate the good souls. It's good to remember that's there's love and kindness out their still, this community is proof of it. Looking forward to your part 2 video. All the best 😊👍
I just want to say thank you so much for your channel. I was in an on/off relationship with a malignant covert narcissist for 2 years. I'm an empath and I didn't know anything about narcissism until about a year and a half into the relationship. I then went through a long phase of feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him even though I knew and all advice pointed towards you can't.
I have managed to get away from him and got through my trauma bond (mostly). Since then I have been going through spiritual enlightenment and started to fully realize just how evil he is and I had a clear premonition (which I get quite often) and I truly believe narcissism is more than just a personality disorder. I believe it's a spiritual defect and that they are all controlled by the same evil spirit. I have found a few channels that also see it like this but your view of it exactly correlates with mine after really opening my eyes and fully understanding what I went through.
You have a very, very clear view of what is going on out there and I just want to thank you so much for talking about it and send you some good energy as you are a beacon of light and clarity in a world that seems very ignorant of the reality of it all.
Thank you so much ♥
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Day 2 of Big D.
Miss her terribly. I'd decided that, in spite of ALL the manipulation, I still loved her and could forgive everything.
Well. I wasnt strong enough.
Ii have to respect her wishes for no contact and that everything is my fault and she now hates me. 4 days ago, she loved me.
Thank you Paula!
Remember she wants you to go through this..🌹
I have literally been like this for weeks, over thinking, why I allowed it to go on so long…. I believed everything she said, she said I wasn’t funny, I was boring, I’m a narcissist etc etc….. horrible things but constantly on my mind
It is still difficult for me because I am a person that doesn’t give up on a marriage and vows we took before God, and take that very seriously, always willing to learn and work on things. It really breaks my heart that someone is evil enough to do that to a person they spent eight years with, and hard to wrap your head around everything that happened and a divorce.
Even after years of no contact it still hunts me. Rethinking all the things I ignored and being angry with myself for allowing all that 😢
I also ruminate about my mother and family, sometimes lost in a fantasy of how it could all be so easy.
But it’s not and never ever will be.
Co-parenting with one makes it seem like it's never going to stop as the only way to truly move on is to walk away from my son and I'll ruminate till the end of time before i'll do that. On the brighter side he's 15 so I don't have that long left of my sentence.
new to the channel. i have wanted revenge so badly. but ive been watching videos and really listening to you guys. i finally blocked him. im not leaving the door open for anything. theres nothing he could ever say that would be worth hearing. i feel so good.
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In a nutshell, I come from a dysfunctional and psychologically abusive relationship with my father who was a covert narcissist and had robbed me of my self-worth, I was homeless with him for a very long time during my upbringing and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape that and had to go great lengths to get away from him. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological and emotional wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am and only if I meet certain criteria, and had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved. It’s just really unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. Yet, some online stranger on discord said to me “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and even a former friend laughs at me and invalidates me and minimizes my feelings saying “well they raised your brother and not you so he’s their kid and not you why do you think you deserve everything what he always gotten.” and that put more salt in the wound…it’s just really unfair, my aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and was like “why not come stay here?”. It has put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life, the most basic thing in the world… except for me I guess…
After listening to this very insightful message, i had an instinctive feeling overcome me that my inner child was wanting me to know that i AM a loveable sweet woman and i AM worth it and that THIS was a direct message from ME and NOT my narcissist. Paula is right in that with enough practice, you CAN and WILL be able to overcome the controlling grip that toxic person had over your life. Have faith and persist. You CAN free yourself with enough self awareness and self love ❤. Give yourself what that narcissist could NEVER give you, authenticity.
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I was furious about my mom. You hit this video spot on
Thanks this will be an interesting one, as I just want to attain PHD level knowledge of NPD to never get hurt again by anyone I get close to - Nathan
“Because you’re in a situation that you’re having to rebuild from.” THANK YOU PAULA!!!!!!! OMG! ❤ I have been trying to figure out WHY. It’s been a little while now and how it’s felt for me is like I’ve been trying to solve some sort of weird puzzle. I could see him for what he was and I could see the growth I’ve gone through as a result. But I could not figure out WHY I was experiencing some sort of rumination. Until today! Until this video! ❤ Before I met the narc, to be succinct, I had strategically positioned myself and my life in such a way that I could chase after my dreams. Then, as a result of the relationship, and all the subsequent, clean up/growth/etc I now find myself resuming to chase my dreams but no where NEAR the stability I had PRIOR to all the time, money, and resources I had BEFORE having gone through all that. Anyway, I don’t want to go in too long as I’m certain there are people out there who will understand the depths of these types of things. I appreciate you so much for shining the light. I’m going to focus on forgiving myself and the enormous personal growth I went through as a result. Keep shining the light Paula!
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I M 10 years divorced and still doing it,I cannot stop and don't know how too.
@@godscommandmentsaretruthis2837 If it was so easy I would have done it years ago.
@@godscommandmentsaretruthis2837 👍👍👍
Feeling good stopped for me a long time ago, I'm not remembering feeling good for a very long time, only remembering all the conflict,no peace, kaos, lies. I keep remembering the last conversations with the narc, I just kept thinking and saying I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth, even when he was in hospital telling me he had 3 litres of blood, I said well I want to hear that directly from the staff or doctor, he finished with telling the nurse that was close by, to not tell me anything, I'm not to have any information, then telling me to get out. He faked an 8 day visit to the hospital to play the victim, I can't stand lies. He had the drip delivering 3 litres of hydration fluid. I stole the discharge paper's when it returned home. It's amazing to me he could fake 8 days in hospital , 6 years ago after a breast cancer diagnosis, I had a mastectomy. I spent 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. I keep thinking he so must have been thinking I was going to die, and the narc gets my house. That time is when a lot of things changed not for the better, now he is out of my house, and I am working with a solicitor towards a binding financial agreement, I'm 60. And I am having peace in my life after 25 years. I am not going to spend these last years. however long I live for fighting him daily just to have peace in my home and in my life.
When he cut me off, he grinned and said: Hope never dies😢😢😢. like a curse! I've been suffering ever since.
Keep hope alive for a life of peace and joy without him..return the curse where it belongs 🌹
Journaling is very important. I journaled all the hurt as it happened, because I tend to forget situations that happened, especially negative.
Also Lao journal how you feel when ruminating
Your videos have been helpful. The key to a narc is that he/she does thing on purpose to watch you squirm. Like a cat playing with the mouse. Many of the examples in this video could be of narcissists or just of relationships that were unsuccessful without any malice.
YES PAULA!!!
GREAT JOB!!
I WISH THAT I COULD SHARE EVERYTHING!
BUT I WILL SAY THAT ONE RUMINATING SYMPTOM WAS DURING MY AEROBICS CLASS I WOULD REMEMBER EXOTIC PLACES IVE BEEN IN THE PAST! IT TOOK OVER A YEAR FOR IT TO MOSTLY STOP. IT STILL HAPPENS SOMETIMES BUT MUCH LESS FREQUENTLY. SHALOM!🕊️
It really does get easier with time and definitely as little contact as possible. Keep your guard up dont fall for any bs no matter how convincing it may appear.
Yes it is apart of the narcissist abuse. Great content.
🙏🌹
Thank you Paula! Watched this 4 times already as it summs up everything what i feel, but couldnt put into words. Thought iam going crazy and shamed of myself not being able to move on after only 6 month contact with Narc. The love bombing still echoing in my mind.
My ex discarded me the night my best friend died 2 weeks ago. He claimed to have listened to a phone call recording between his best friend and I while he was hospitalized. He claimed I said all kinds of horrible things and I am toxic along with many other negative things. I have never spoken to his best friend on the phone. I t9ld him I was going to ask his friend for a copy of the recording. He went insane threatening to smear my name and post every personal secret I ever shared with him. 2 weeks later I cant stop thinking about all he said.
This is a wonderful video! ♥️✝️☮️
Thank you so much!
The way i ruminate is thinking of MORE to say to him.
I injured him badly by the end.
I wasn't taking any more of his garbage and old narc traits in myself reared their ugly head.
I was BRUTAL.
"She" was back.
I didn't like "her" in me.
It took a NDE in 2018 to exorcise her.
Thats why i can NEVER return to him.
I just started ruminating over the deceit and cheating that happened over 20 years ago. Went no contact 20 yr ago. I think i just lost my current goals and am 74 now. Self blame for giving him money and trust . I understand it now and must forgive myself ,i was a sort of enabler at that time.
Hardest part for me im a introvert my Livestock and fur babies keep me busy my daughter is someone I have never wanted to be a burden on I have wonderful life friends/family but growing up with brothers I miss my men friends I don't like women drama gossip and after almost 30 yrs and not young makes it difficult but I definitely do not want him anymore!!! Thank you for helping me on this journey of healing..hoping divorced soon but he is still playing games and trying to keep me a puppet on a string but that string is broken finally. You couldn't have said ME and HE better I always say I live in a fantasy world raised on the happy ever after movies and as we all know life in reality is not that way...and you livibing this life in the past and being a survivor makes all the difference knowing you speak from walking the walk you are not just saying what you think we want to hear.
I’m at the rumination stage - can’t stop thinking about him
Texted me all day every day for a year, except for three discards that only lasted a few days. At exactly a year, said it was over, only a few days after a romantic dinner-date. After I did something he didn't like, said sorry. He's been giving me the silent treatment for a month and 7 days. I feel like I fell off a cliff.