Our system has different attachment styles, my little EP parts are very much anxiously attached and ANPs are avoidant in most cases. I’ve noticed that a lot of the internal conflict was disagreements over the level to which we let people in. Our system resolved some of the attachment cry’s from littles being triggering to the ANPs by encouraging the littles to attach to us. That way we can be attentive to needs and give them what they seek, if others in the world don’t meet our attachment needs they still have everyone inside to help 😊
Yes, that has been exactly our experience as well. We comfort them ourselves so they don't latch onto someone on the outside in an unhealthy way or act out in other ways. We need to feel safe within ourselves too.
@@georgesurrage2315 It takes time, but learning about attachment styles and spotting patterns of behaviours is helpful. It's best done in therapy because it can create internal conflicts and it's important to have support while you work through it.
Gosh, this makes a lot of sense. I am in a new city, which means being invited to events with friends, like the other night to an exhibition at a gallery. While being introduced to people, I could sense lots of switching was happening. Later, outside, when introduced to a person, I heard my Others talk about him. I then heard someone realise he was potentially an unsafe person, so someone got quite snappy with him. The internal dialogue was about keeping us safe and setting boundaries right from the start with new people, we had met people like them in the past, and problems had happened. It felt like we were all working together to figure out how to be aware of new people in our world (we are all strongly in arts communities wherever we are). What was amazing was how different Parts responded differently to different people that we met. Because we where there with an old school friend, we new it was important that these are her friends/acquaintances, therefore it was complicated by that, but observing how we all responded to all the new people was fascinating, the internal dialog happening was and felt like it did indeed come from different attachment styles. This is quite hard to describe while watching, hearing a new idea and still processing the event at the gallery the other night. But my gosh this adds to what we were trying to understand about the other night at the gallery. Thank you so much and to the person who posed the question.
It is definitely true for us. Some have a very avoidant attachment style while others are anxious. This leads to inner conflicts... We try to help eachother and find a way in-between. So both sides have to compromise.
Such an interesting topic! This makes friendships harder for me. I'm avoidant, but I have parts that are very needy. I feel shame because of them. They're still stuck in the trauma. I try to have compassion for them 😔 but I push people away when the traumatised parts takes over. I can't control them like i could before. They won't be silenced anymore 😬 they will make me feel it if i try. It's scary! This is pretty new for me. I used to doubt myself no problems. Shrug it all off, just thinking I'm crazy. It's like having a child and now I have to be careful what I think because I might upset them. I didn't even know they were there for so long. I've been ignoring them 😢 and making them feel worse. Dismissing their pain just like the ones who hurt us. I try not to need anyone. It's conflicting. Needing and wanting different things at the same time. Constant battle in my mind.
Yes! this is so true, My marriage collapsed, I have no "best" friends, or really any friends at all...I know that because of my DID, my alters interfere with me "moving forward", I, the host, wants to move forward and grow as a whole person, but my alters interfere with this forward momentum...I have a partner now, that understands my abuse and trauma and my DID, yet because of my acute insecurities and erratic emotional lack of control, I feel it is only a matter of time, before he "throws up his hands and says I can't take this anymore"...just like my family did and my husband....this is the true consequence of acute trauma and DID. For me, it is just better that I isolate myself and distance myself from relationships. 7 alters with different agendas, and attachments makes living a "true and meaningful" life, nothing but a sham pipe dream.
@@mksparrow5398 I’m so sorry for you, I can empathise. Almost the same story as mine and definitely with where I am now. Internal sabotage leads to me isolating. Try making plans to move forward but then just don’t achieve them. The older I get the move confusing it gets, make the most of what’s left or avoid the fear and accept the safety behind my front door. I wish you the very best you can xx
This seems to be the case for me, too... It was the first thing I noticed, though now I'm recognizing there's a lot more under the hood that I thought was just normal changes in behaviour or emotional memory or internal dialogue, lol. But the unprompted shifts in my feelings about my partner & friends are what was truly unsettling... It feels very disjointed from "my" baseline.
Based on our experience it certainly sounds like you're onto something. If you find more research on this topic, we hope you'll share in a future video. Thanks Mike! 💜
A great question and an excellent answer. The fact that we have different attachment styles has prompted some deep discussion and work with our therapist over the last 3 years.
This will be incredibly (wow, really!) helpful in y next therapy sessions. We will try to create a map of our different attachment styles to various people. Thank you so much! My therapist will be delighted! Thanks a lot! ♥️🙏☺️
Yes!!! This is soooo validating, we all have different attachment styles and it’s so reassuring hearing information like this coming from a reliable professional/clinic when there are so few resources out there about DID. Your channel is invaluable, thank you!!
I can definitely say yes! Never really thought of this, but it does explain a lot for me. I’m going to pass this on to my therapists. Your videos are so helpful!! Thank you for the work you do. I have always struggled with a push/pull (disorganized attachment) style.
I'm kind of still in a very early phase, as far as recognizing & treating some manner of internal fermentation [to where I'm still back & forth on whether I'm being dramatic or faking, lol], but... This issue is a large part of why I started IFS & began to recognize my parts as more literal & complex than my therapist or I were really prepared for. There is an internal sense of whiplash with my feelings about my partner, despite a generally rooted feeling of safety, & it's incredibly troubling. I don't act out those shifts but they pop up at random, setting me off kilter. And I recognized that I go through phases of being sociable with my friends & totally disappearing because it's as though only part of me knows who they are & feels a connection to them? It's very confusing still... Thank you so much for your content! Even before my therapist or I started to suspect there was something going on, I started watching your channel because I wanted to educate myself... There are a lot of misconceptions about dissociation & I didn't think it was real. But you're such a wonderful speaker & set me straight. 💕
Curious question. Have you dealt with patients with a dissociative disorder, say OSDD/DID, as well as being stuck in abusive relationships? Like Stockholm level of things and the correlation of attachment between some parts and the abuser causing it to be difficult to separate?
Yes, thanks! It’s absolutely so hard, and hard on partners. Aloof, dependent, adult and engaged, dismissive, fearful. And the ability to actually hold all these at once, and try to intellectually control which can express itself. Argh.
Yeah, I imagine it's been jarring for my partner... My general behaviour has been that of comfortable attachment [maybe a bit dependent at times], but then there will be points at which I veer unexpectedly in one direction or another. It's especially hard when I feel very aloof [good word you chose!] when we happened to have plans... While I try to engage regardless, I'm sure he can see the obligation in my behaviour/tone, & that must hurt.
I definitely relate. I've had a hard time figuring out my attachment style or if I even like being social or prefer isolation, but it's because different parts feel differently about these things. I've ended up with very few friends and I keep isolating myself from them because parts of me don't want to hang out with them for whatever reason - mostly they are scared or just very paranoid. Some parts are very extraverted and love big get togethers and other parts want to never talk to another person ever again. Some parts crave close relationships and others avoid them like the plague. It's making me just avoid people because I'm honestly a bad friend for being so distant out of nowhere and ending up ghosting people, because my DID is making it hard to communicate or be involved in other people's lives It's super confusing living like this, but your videos help a little while I'm struggling to find a place that can treat my mental health 🙏
Agreed!! When I wasn't sure what was going on in my brain, I explained it to my therapist like I'm a pomegranate instead of being an apple, lmao. There are discrete bits that have different motivations/feelings/preferences underneath, rather than a unified whole.
Do you think it could also be related to action systems? With some parts that seek comfort and help and others who are more protective and avoid other people? In my own reading the specialists seem pretty sure that the vast majority of people with DID have disorganized attachment. Some even call it dissociative attachment instead. And some consider it the constant shift between these parts who have different styles... My system is very covert and the 2 hosts both have an avoidant attachment style and do their very best to hide uncontrolled expressions from younger parts and it makes the whole system look avoidant, which seems to be pretty much unknown to literature. It has always been a bit confusing to me. We know that the others are different, it is just not visible enough to be recognized. So we end up not qualifying for disorganized attachment at all although we absolutely have different things happening inside...
This would explain a lot. Very interesting working theory. I’ve never been able to figure out my attachment style, it always seems to change……I wonder if this is why
Dr. Lloyd, please could you do a video about how to work with parts that are stuck in an attachment cry? The parts that feel so lonely and sad and desperately want to connect to the therapist and just want to be loved by them, but who live in a fantasy where the therapist's love could make everything better. They often turn into rage and shame when their needs aren't met. If someone recognises this cycle but is still trapped in the pain, what can they do to help themselves move forward and what can their therapists do to help them please?
One way to help parts stuck in attachment cry may be to try to develop secure attachment within the system. An older part can become an attachment figure for younger parts. My experience is that this can work, but that it is a difficult process because it is very complex and will be different for each system. Compassion and curiosity are likely to be key pre-requisites, but full co-consciousness is not necessarily required if emotion can be felt throughout the system. Therapuetic parenting methods may help the older part to respond to the younger parts. This is only my experience, so I do not know if this is helpful for others. If it sounds unhelpful, then please disregard. There may be other methods. There are always diverse solutions.
I was always confused when I took quizzes about my attachment style, because the results differed. Now that makes more sense. 😅 Some of my parts are even secure though which is cool.
Well that was a surprising revelation ! It all came tumbling into place phew. Thank you x I’m sure you’ve covered this before but when traumatic events continue as you grow into adulthood can that create new adult alters? 🤔 Thank you so much for today’s video I am now relating it to a meeting with someone this morning. Now wonder it’s so draining.
I feel like the answer was an obvious and immediate yes. I can say from personal experience as a system that my parts do indeed have different attachment styles. Some of my parts are notably anxious and some are notably avoidant. I suppose on the whole I am disorganized in my attachment style. However, I also think some parts might be securely attached. It's interesting that you didn't mention that possibility. Obviously that's much less likely, since attachment trauma inevitably leads to insecure attachment. There was attachment trauma in my childhood that led to my fragmentation and resulted in insecure attachment. But after the fragmentation occurred, there were periods of my life with positive and protective relationships that led to parts of me having significantly improved emotional and relational well-being. Even though I have several parts with insecure attachment, like trauma holders and protectors and such, I also have ANP type parts that seem to be fairly capable and well-regulated, with healthy relational attitudes. At least some of those ANP parts appear to have a secure attachment style. Or at least, they behave as if they do. I'm not entirely sure if it counts, though. The structural dissociation makes it hard to figure out. Are you really securely attached if it's only coming from one part (or a subset of parts) within the system? I've definitely had attachments that felt secure at the time. Yet I still mostly avoid forming attachments. And when initially attaching, I tend to be insecure and anxious. But if enough trust is built up with the person, then that anxious attachment can become a secure attachment. But it's not a secure attachment across the board, so it makes me wonder if I can truly say it's secure, if other parts are simultaneously anxious or avoidant.
I think what we see is an overall disorganised system due to the childhood experience. There may always be aspects of security on the surface, but if you dig beneath, it seems less anchored in an actual secure system.
@@thectadclinic That sounds accurate. I think my most functional/secure ANP has very little connection to our inner feelings and memories. They hold no trauma, but also few preferences, feelings, sense of self, etc. They're like a blank slate that can adapt to just about anything. Nothing really bothers them, and they're overall emotionally regulated. They are the most socially adept of anyone in our system. I'm pretty sure they're an unconscious fawn response. They don't *feel* like they're fawning when they're in front, but by being disconnected from the sense of self and inner state, it's very easy to inadvertently self-abandon. They fronted last when I'm pretty sure the rest of the system was in distress. But they felt totally fine.
Thank you again for your videos!!!! Do you think you might make some videos about fusion - like how do you know when a fusion is happening? do you have any advice on adjusting to changes in a system due to fusion?
Very different attachments styles in our system and we almost see this as one of the key elements that shapes roles in our system along with ‘action’ system ‘roles’ as you have explained in a video a long time ago. We have a very different type of attachment based question maybe for another video topic 😊 That is - could you cover the pros and cons / considerations for ‘littles’ having relationships with similarly aged ‘outside children’. These could be someone’s own children, grandchildren, friends and so on. My main question is in what circumstances would you see this as being ok and when not? For example, if a non DID toddler were to interact with a DID ‘little’ then inherently do we feel that could confuse / damage their own sense of safety / self in any way. Would how they experience it and process it depend very much on there being another secure attachment adult figure close by? I don’t mean seeing the DID adult in a distressed state as of course ideally this wouldn’t happen (but some may not be able to avoid it) We often mask and suppress around other young children as we worry we may confuse them but we also know that kids are so accepting. We don’t see much content around this and doubt there will have been any research. We can imagine a worse case scenario and we can imagine best case scenarios but we’d just like to here your view.
Im osdd, but yes my parts have different styles. My gun man part is protector who is very avoidant dismissive. This part developed from a persecutor, when I'm depersonalised or in robot mode- I have no ability what so ever to connect- or even communicate sometimes- just numbness. I also have mothering part and cry baby and little parts that are extremely destressed when triggered, fearfully anxious most of the time.
I wonder if a similar concept also applies for parts in secondary dissociation. Like with slightly less severe forms of developmental CPTSD. The parts may not be outright dissociated, but they still see the world, and the body inhabiting it, in very different ways. It feels like such a huge waste of energy. Instead of dedicating that energy to activities that help humans thrive, our energy is instead drained by an internal experience that has far too much in common with fight nights at the local Walmart. Meh.
Just wondering how this works for people with OSDD where parts aren't fully obvious/ defined, and identities of parts aren't clear. I.e the person is impacted and influenced by changing/ conflicting inside thoughts, feelings and perspectives about themselves and others but doesn't experience their parts as separated identities. How does it work then?
One thought on this. If one has a very needy and anxious style of attachment and is ashamed of this, that there isn’t the switch cause the other one is more needed but it is needed so the other one is getting hidden. I know this might be a bit nitpicky. But thinking about my own attachment style I can be very very needy and anxious which leads to a lot of shame…. That usually when I show a partner/friends this side which happens very unintentionally I build up this front where I am very detached after… IDK if this makes alot of sense it is not something I choose tho it just happens.
Hi Mike. I highly, highly recommend you read "attachment disturbances in adults: treatment for comprehensive repair" by Dr. Dan Brown and David Elliott. It is a behemoth of a book. It has so, so much information in there specifically dedicated to dissociation. I think you will find it a most valuable resource. 😊
I guess integration would largely depend on healing in the different alters. Really looking inwards understanding their attachment style, where it stems from and doing the work to heal. Only then can change be made to form healthier attachment styles. Maybe once you have a system actively working towards that some integration just happens naturally?
Our system has different attachment styles, my little EP parts are very much anxiously attached and ANPs are avoidant in most cases. I’ve noticed that a lot of the internal conflict was disagreements over the level to which we let people in. Our system resolved some of the attachment cry’s from littles being triggering to the ANPs by encouraging the littles to attach to us. That way we can be attentive to needs and give them what they seek, if others in the world don’t meet our attachment needs they still have everyone inside to help 😊
Yes, that has been exactly our experience as well. We comfort them ourselves so they don't latch onto someone on the outside in an unhealthy way or act out in other ways. We need to feel safe within ourselves too.
Same here!!! It’s so reassuring hearing that other people/systems experience this too
I’ve only very recently discovered my system! Do you have any tips for how you achieved this??
@@georgesurrage2315 It takes time, but learning about attachment styles and spotting patterns of behaviours is helpful. It's best done in therapy because it can create internal conflicts and it's important to have support while you work through it.
Gosh, this makes a lot of sense. I am in a new city, which means being invited to events with friends, like the other night to an exhibition at a gallery. While being introduced to people, I could sense lots of switching was happening. Later, outside, when introduced to a person, I heard my Others talk about him. I then heard someone realise he was potentially an unsafe person, so someone got quite snappy with him. The internal dialogue was about keeping us safe and setting boundaries right from the start with new people, we had met people like them in the past, and problems had happened. It felt like we were all working together to figure out how to be aware of new people in our world (we are all strongly in arts communities wherever we are). What was amazing was how different Parts responded differently to different people that we met. Because we where there with an old school friend, we new it was important that these are her friends/acquaintances, therefore it was complicated by that, but observing how we all responded to all the new people was fascinating, the internal dialog happening was and felt like it did indeed come from different attachment styles. This is quite hard to describe while watching, hearing a new idea and still processing the event at the gallery the other night. But my gosh this adds to what we were trying to understand about the other night at the gallery. Thank you so much and to the person who posed the question.
You described this experience so eloquently. It resonates with me, thank you for sharing 💙
It is definitely true for us. Some have a very avoidant attachment style while others are anxious. This leads to inner conflicts... We try to help eachother and find a way in-between. So both sides have to compromise.
Such an interesting topic! This makes friendships harder for me. I'm avoidant, but I have parts that are very needy. I feel shame because of them. They're still stuck in the trauma. I try to have compassion for them 😔 but I push people away when the traumatised parts takes over. I can't control them like i could before. They won't be silenced anymore 😬 they will make me feel it if i try. It's scary! This is pretty new for me. I used to doubt myself no problems. Shrug it all off, just thinking I'm crazy. It's like having a child and now I have to be careful what I think because I might upset them. I didn't even know they were there for so long. I've been ignoring them 😢 and making them feel worse. Dismissing their pain just like the ones who hurt us.
I try not to need anyone. It's conflicting. Needing and wanting different things at the same time. Constant battle in my mind.
Yes! this is so true, My marriage collapsed, I have no "best" friends, or really any friends at all...I know that because of my DID, my alters interfere with me "moving forward", I, the host, wants to move forward and grow as a whole person, but my alters interfere with this forward momentum...I have a partner now, that understands my abuse and trauma and my DID, yet because of my acute insecurities and erratic emotional lack of control, I feel it is only a matter of time, before he "throws up his hands and says I can't take this anymore"...just like my family did and my husband....this is the true consequence of acute trauma and DID. For me, it is just better that I isolate myself and distance myself from relationships. 7 alters with different agendas, and attachments makes living a "true and meaningful" life, nothing but a sham pipe dream.
I am so sorry to hear how hard everything is for you.
@@mksparrow5398 I’m so sorry for you, I can empathise. Almost the same story as mine and definitely with where I am now. Internal sabotage leads to me isolating. Try making plans to move forward but then just don’t achieve them. The older I get the move confusing it gets, make the most of what’s left or avoid the fear and accept the safety behind my front door. I wish you the very best you can xx
this sounds very very similar to me as well. i dont even know my alters yet but my life is a disaster and my relationship just imploded.
We experience this. Actually it's often a way for us to notice a switch occurred or is about to happen.
Thanks for putting all this into sound words.
My pleasure!
This seems to be the case for me, too... It was the first thing I noticed, though now I'm recognizing there's a lot more under the hood that I thought was just normal changes in behaviour or emotional memory or internal dialogue, lol. But the unprompted shifts in my feelings about my partner & friends are what was truly unsettling... It feels very disjointed from "my" baseline.
Based on our experience it certainly sounds like you're onto something.
If you find more research on this topic, we hope you'll share in a future video.
Thanks Mike! 💜
Interesting!
This has been our experience. Very validating. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
A great question and an excellent answer. The fact that we have different attachment styles has prompted some deep discussion and work with our therapist over the last 3 years.
I actually noticed this within my partner systems alters, and mine before even watching this video! I think you’re completely correct!!
This will be incredibly (wow, really!) helpful in y next therapy sessions. We will try to create a map of our different attachment styles to various people. Thank you so much! My therapist will be delighted! Thanks a lot! ♥️🙏☺️
I hope it works out, could be very helpful if right.
@@thectadclinic yeah, I'm really looking forward! Good work, thanks a lot!
Yes!!! This is soooo validating, we all have different attachment styles and it’s so reassuring hearing information like this coming from a reliable professional/clinic when there are so few resources out there about DID. Your channel is invaluable, thank you!!
You are so welcome, that is really kind of you to say!
Very interested in hearing about your further research...this exact issue came up in a recent therapy session!
I long ago wondered about this! Great post. So appreciated working with you years back. Progress with awareness so helps. Thank you! … Juliana
This is my observation! Great to hear this from someone else. Thank you.
I can definitely say yes! Never really thought of this, but it does explain a lot for me. I’m going to pass this on to my therapists. Your videos are so helpful!! Thank you for the work you do. I have always struggled with a push/pull (disorganized attachment) style.
Again I say your videos are awesome 👍 If I lived in the UK, your Clinic would have another client
I'm kind of still in a very early phase, as far as recognizing & treating some manner of internal fermentation [to where I'm still back & forth on whether I'm being dramatic or faking, lol], but... This issue is a large part of why I started IFS & began to recognize my parts as more literal & complex than my therapist or I were really prepared for. There is an internal sense of whiplash with my feelings about my partner, despite a generally rooted feeling of safety, & it's incredibly troubling. I don't act out those shifts but they pop up at random, setting me off kilter. And I recognized that I go through phases of being sociable with my friends & totally disappearing because it's as though only part of me knows who they are & feels a connection to them? It's very confusing still...
Thank you so much for your content! Even before my therapist or I started to suspect there was something going on, I started watching your channel because I wanted to educate myself... There are a lot of misconceptions about dissociation & I didn't think it was real. But you're such a wonderful speaker & set me straight. 💕
Glad to see you well. Thank you for sharing! 😊
Curious question. Have you dealt with patients with a dissociative disorder, say OSDD/DID, as well as being stuck in abusive relationships? Like Stockholm level of things and the correlation of attachment between some parts and the abuser causing it to be difficult to separate?
Yes, thanks! It’s absolutely so hard, and hard on partners. Aloof, dependent, adult and engaged, dismissive, fearful. And the ability to actually hold all these at once, and try to intellectually control which can express itself. Argh.
Yeah, I imagine it's been jarring for my partner... My general behaviour has been that of comfortable attachment [maybe a bit dependent at times], but then there will be points at which I veer unexpectedly in one direction or another. It's especially hard when I feel very aloof [good word you chose!] when we happened to have plans... While I try to engage regardless, I'm sure he can see the obligation in my behaviour/tone, & that must hurt.
I definitely relate. I've had a hard time figuring out my attachment style or if I even like being social or prefer isolation, but it's because different parts feel differently about these things. I've ended up with very few friends and I keep isolating myself from them because parts of me don't want to hang out with them for whatever reason - mostly they are scared or just very paranoid. Some parts are very extraverted and love big get togethers and other parts want to never talk to another person ever again. Some parts crave close relationships and others avoid them like the plague. It's making me just avoid people because I'm honestly a bad friend for being so distant out of nowhere and ending up ghosting people, because my DID is making it hard to communicate or be involved in other people's lives
It's super confusing living like this, but your videos help a little while I'm struggling to find a place that can treat my mental health 🙏
Very important topic! Thanks, doctor
I love the flat worm comparison! I remember cutting those apart in zoology
Agreed!! When I wasn't sure what was going on in my brain, I explained it to my therapist like I'm a pomegranate instead of being an apple, lmao. There are discrete bits that have different motivations/feelings/preferences underneath, rather than a unified whole.
Do you think it could also be related to action systems? With some parts that seek comfort and help and others who are more protective and avoid other people? In my own reading the specialists seem pretty sure that the vast majority of people with DID have disorganized attachment. Some even call it dissociative attachment instead. And some consider it the constant shift between these parts who have different styles... My system is very covert and the 2 hosts both have an avoidant attachment style and do their very best to hide uncontrolled expressions from younger parts and it makes the whole system look avoidant, which seems to be pretty much unknown to literature. It has always been a bit confusing to me. We know that the others are different, it is just not visible enough to be recognized. So we end up not qualifying for disorganized attachment at all although we absolutely have different things happening inside...
I think so, as an action system could be there simply to enact the attachment necessary.
This is an interesting take!
This has answered a lot for me this morning, thank you 🙏🏻
You are welcome!
This would explain a lot. Very interesting working theory. I’ve never been able to figure out my attachment style, it always seems to change……I wonder if this is why
Dr. Lloyd, please could you do a video about how to work with parts that are stuck in an attachment cry? The parts that feel so lonely and sad and desperately want to connect to the therapist and just want to be loved by them, but who live in a fantasy where the therapist's love could make everything better. They often turn into rage and shame when their needs aren't met. If someone recognises this cycle but is still trapped in the pain, what can they do to help themselves move forward and what can their therapists do to help them please?
One way to help parts stuck in attachment cry may be to try to develop secure attachment within the system. An older part can become an attachment figure for younger parts. My experience is that this can work, but that it is a difficult process because it is very complex and will be different for each system. Compassion and curiosity are likely to be key pre-requisites, but full co-consciousness is not necessarily required if emotion can be felt throughout the system. Therapuetic parenting methods may help the older part to respond to the younger parts. This is only my experience, so I do not know if this is helpful for others. If it sounds unhelpful, then please disregard. There may be other methods. There are always diverse solutions.
I was always confused when I took quizzes about my attachment style, because the results differed. Now that makes more sense. 😅 Some of my parts are even secure though which is cool.
😋😘 ... das würde hier so einiges erklären, herzlichen Dank!
Gerne geschehen!
Well that was a surprising revelation ! It all came tumbling into place phew. Thank you x
I’m sure you’ve covered this before but when traumatic events continue as you grow into adulthood can that create new adult alters? 🤔
Thank you so much for today’s video I am now relating it to a meeting with someone this morning. Now wonder it’s so draining.
I feel like the answer was an obvious and immediate yes. I can say from personal experience as a system that my parts do indeed have different attachment styles. Some of my parts are notably anxious and some are notably avoidant. I suppose on the whole I am disorganized in my attachment style.
However, I also think some parts might be securely attached. It's interesting that you didn't mention that possibility. Obviously that's much less likely, since attachment trauma inevitably leads to insecure attachment. There was attachment trauma in my childhood that led to my fragmentation and resulted in insecure attachment. But after the fragmentation occurred, there were periods of my life with positive and protective relationships that led to parts of me having significantly improved emotional and relational well-being. Even though I have several parts with insecure attachment, like trauma holders and protectors and such, I also have ANP type parts that seem to be fairly capable and well-regulated, with healthy relational attitudes. At least some of those ANP parts appear to have a secure attachment style. Or at least, they behave as if they do.
I'm not entirely sure if it counts, though. The structural dissociation makes it hard to figure out. Are you really securely attached if it's only coming from one part (or a subset of parts) within the system? I've definitely had attachments that felt secure at the time. Yet I still mostly avoid forming attachments. And when initially attaching, I tend to be insecure and anxious. But if enough trust is built up with the person, then that anxious attachment can become a secure attachment. But it's not a secure attachment across the board, so it makes me wonder if I can truly say it's secure, if other parts are simultaneously anxious or avoidant.
I think what we see is an overall disorganised system due to the childhood experience. There may always be aspects of security on the surface, but if you dig beneath, it seems less anchored in an actual secure system.
@@thectadclinic That sounds accurate. I think my most functional/secure ANP has very little connection to our inner feelings and memories. They hold no trauma, but also few preferences, feelings, sense of self, etc. They're like a blank slate that can adapt to just about anything. Nothing really bothers them, and they're overall emotionally regulated. They are the most socially adept of anyone in our system. I'm pretty sure they're an unconscious fawn response. They don't *feel* like they're fawning when they're in front, but by being disconnected from the sense of self and inner state, it's very easy to inadvertently self-abandon. They fronted last when I'm pretty sure the rest of the system was in distress. But they felt totally fine.
Thank you again for your videos!!!! Do you think you might make some videos about fusion - like how do you know when a fusion is happening? do you have any advice on adjusting to changes in a system due to fusion?
Very different attachments styles in our system and we almost see this as one of the key elements that shapes roles in our system along with ‘action’ system ‘roles’ as you have explained in a video a long time ago.
We have a very different type of attachment based question maybe for another video topic 😊
That is - could you cover the pros and cons / considerations for ‘littles’ having relationships with similarly aged ‘outside children’. These could be someone’s own children, grandchildren, friends and so on. My main question is in what circumstances would you see this as being ok and when not? For example, if a non DID toddler were to interact with a DID ‘little’ then inherently do we feel that could confuse / damage their own sense of safety / self in any way. Would how they experience it and process it depend very much on there being another secure attachment adult figure close by? I don’t mean seeing the DID adult in a distressed state as of course ideally this wouldn’t happen (but some may not be able to avoid it)
We often mask and suppress around other young children as we worry we may confuse them but we also know that kids are so accepting. We don’t see much content around this and doubt there will have been any research.
We can imagine a worse case scenario and we can imagine best case scenarios but we’d just like to here your view.
Im osdd, but yes my parts have different styles. My gun man part is protector who is very avoidant dismissive. This part developed from a persecutor, when I'm depersonalised or in robot mode- I have no ability what so ever to connect- or even communicate sometimes- just numbness. I also have mothering part and cry baby and little parts that are extremely destressed when triggered, fearfully anxious most of the time.
I wonder if a similar concept also applies for parts in secondary dissociation. Like with slightly less severe forms of developmental CPTSD. The parts may not be outright dissociated, but they still see the world, and the body inhabiting it, in very different ways.
It feels like such a huge waste of energy. Instead of dedicating that energy to activities that help humans thrive, our energy is instead drained by an internal experience that has far too much in common with fight nights at the local Walmart. Meh.
Just wondering how this works for people with OSDD where parts aren't fully obvious/ defined, and identities of parts aren't clear. I.e the person is impacted and influenced by changing/ conflicting inside thoughts, feelings and perspectives about themselves and others but doesn't experience their parts as separated identities.
How does it work then?
One thought on this. If one has a very needy and anxious style of attachment and is ashamed of this, that there isn’t the switch cause the other one is more needed but it is needed so the other one is getting hidden. I know this might be a bit nitpicky. But thinking about my own attachment style I can be very very needy and anxious which leads to a lot of shame…. That usually when I show a partner/friends this side which happens very unintentionally I build up this front where I am very detached after… IDK if this makes alot of sense it is not something I choose tho it just happens.
Hi Mike. I highly, highly recommend you read "attachment disturbances in adults: treatment for comprehensive repair" by Dr. Dan Brown and David Elliott. It is a behemoth of a book. It has so, so much information in there specifically dedicated to dissociation. I think you will find it a most valuable resource. 😊
I guess integration would largely depend on healing in the different alters. Really looking inwards understanding their attachment style, where it stems from and doing the work to heal. Only then can change be made to form healthier attachment styles. Maybe once you have a system actively working towards that some integration just happens naturally?
💖💖💖
Now, if you could just let us know how to heal our younger parts who are always feeling abandoned…