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The thought of unmasking - it will never happen, not now. I'd be far too vulnerable and even more alone.

Totally relate to what you say about masking. Upbringing has a lot to do with it, learning bad habits from parents. I was diagnosed ND 2 years ago at the age of 51. This is why my home, just me & the dog n cats is my haven. In public ie: outside of my home, humour is my weapon, my defence and always has been. And no-one gets invited home! It's my Sanctuary.

‘Everything I do is not the right thing’ - really sums up how I feel. I try so hard and fail hard. 😢

Living with my husband and children makes me feel like there's no time or space to truly decompress. I can't go back to my authentic alone self without ruining their lives. Living overseas requires a whole new level of preparation for masking - thinking about what to say in a different language, comparing cultural expectations, etc. In the beginning I thought it would be easier because people expect you not to know the words and customs, but after a decade in Barcelona I feel like I've given up my voice and identity and can't even relax in my own home. I wish I'd understood that I was autistic before these life changes.

Had to remove all 3 of my kids from primary. 2 are autistic one has adhd and dyslexia. My eldest was sat on punched in face then dragged by his hair across playground in front of a teacher who did nothing. My ex wife had to pull child off him and speak to parent. His bully also made him lick a toilet seat Our middle son doing assessment for autism at mo to get official diagnosis he was held against wall by throat had 4 water bottles smashed deliberately coz of his autism and tge school totally denied it and blamed home life. So they was home schooled for almost a year 3 weeks ago they got a new school finally the middle and youngest will put uniform on but refuse to go in and tge schools head mistress at new school said they not coming in due to problems at home and said she will ring social services if they don't go in.

I’m 61 and think I’m autistic, how do I get a diagnosis on the NHS? I can’t afford a private assessment.

I would agrue that most people mask to some extent. What do you think putting on your Sunday best to go to the community church is........

What I've learned from 55 years ASD, no one wants the real me. Not even my mother wanted me as I am. The "fake" me is unsuccessful because I've never been motivated to try to make a life. Why should I, when it isn't the life I want to live?

Great discussion! The pain was really resonated. There’s a lot of pain that I don’t feel but I become really disregulated. The last time it happened the dentist left a nerve exposed for 2 weeks. I was a mess by the time I went back and it wasn’t until after they put the permanent crown on that I realized what was causing the dysregulation. Right now I’ve just come through a a hurricane; I’m safe but there’s a massive hole in my ceiling. And I feel like I can’t fully get back into my body, even though I know a ton of tools.

Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price is a good book of this topic. I'm looking forward to the sequel coming out in March 2025 - Unmasking for Life: The Autistic Person's Guide to Connection, Loving, and Living Authentically. I also recommend The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy by Steph Jones. Not all therapy is created equal and the professional mental health system hasn't been "designed" respectfully with neurodivergent folks in mind - broadly speaking, since there are exceptions coming online. But, thankfully, some methods can work well for us, while others can actually be harmful and I can attest to the hit or miss of different therapeutic approaches, along similar lines to the author's experiences but with some divergences.

Oh god. Is this how I sound when I talk?

I have to prepare to go into work. People don’t realize how debilitating it can be. The amount of energy I have to do in the mental gymnastics just to go into that environment.

Why are all the wonderful professionals on the issues that plague me in UK? I can't ever find anyone this informed or knowing what treatments I need here in America.

its been years since i started to suspect i was autist/adhd and im only starting to get better at not just constantly think i'm failng. it helps that my middle child who is 27 and has been in therapy over 10 years is constantly correcting me when i criticize myself, and pointing out when the things i'm frustrated with are adhd or autism

Thank you ❤

As an allistic person, I struggle to imagine what an interaction would be like with an unmasked autistic person, except for children who I have enjoyed knowing quite a bit. A well known autistic RUclipsr did a video explaining that masking and social skills/etiquette are two different things, because unmasking doesn’t mean just being hurtful towards others. When I see autistic children learning their way in life, they are learning to get along with others while still honoring their own authenticity needs and identities. For an adult who is unmasking, I am struggling to imagine what side of them might then be shown. Surely (on the positive side) it is so much more than being willing to stim in front of others, or being willing to advocate for breaks or saying no to invitations when it’s too much. And surely (on the negative side) it’s not about ignoring social cues such as talking about a special interest long past when a listener feels exhausted, as an example. I have cared a great deal for both autistic children and autistic adults, but maybe the adults I have known have never dropped the mask around me. But how would I know? I am genuinely curious to understand what unmasking could look like.

My unmasking was intense and was a 7 day journey of rewiring and electrical energy. The final result I'm autistic/ADHD also I am an empath. Prior to unmasking i suffered a life of anxiety/panic disorder with depression and was on Paxil for 25 years and weaned off it and no bad anxiety or panic attacks. I did however have my first bad meltdown and take Prozac to keep from fixating on unwanted worrying thoughts. I have also noticed my heart palpitations are not nearly as significant. It gets weird, I now have a new thought to speech along with my original thought to speech which was from my adhd. So when my autism is thinking and speaking it's coming from a place i don't recognize mentally and I stutter and stammer when it's my autism and when my adhd speaks it's from a different part of my thoughts and is fluid with speech and no stuttering. How I interpret how I feel is my autism is on my left side and my adhd is on my right and my thought to speech from my autism is from the right side of my brain and adhd is on the left side. I present as very autistic forward and i stim all day. The only time I'm not stimming is when I'm focused on thinking and typing. It's remarkably intriguing what the brain can do. Oh after the 7 days I did have repetitive tics for around 3 months. Now I have tics that are not as repetitive and vocal stims when i can't rock or bounce like at my job sweeping. The most important decisions i made was setting up therapy and yes before the change hit, i knew it was coming, so odd. Then i told every person in my life. A coworker helped me to let the entire staff know on my behalf. I work second shift in a school and I feel 100% comfortable being me at work with stimming so i can regulate properly. This made my journey to self acceptance and self worth, being introspective and getting to know who I really am and that's me, finally!! Remember to focus on your special abilities and special interests and share your special interests. I was thinking to myself you know it's almost like I'm my own psychologist so for fun I looked up self psychology and i was amazed i was practicing it pretty much to a tee. Now i don't know where i am other than 30 minutes writing and thinking the video ended a while ago so thanks for the video, I'm hyperfixated on exploring and learning on all levels. 👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️

Took me three weeks to recover from going to a persons wedding and I dont think they even noticed I went. Took about 2 months out of my life just for that event. It’s exhausting. It wasn’t that hard when I was younger as I stayed very drunk to survive but now I’m older, it’s too much. I don’t have energy anymore to play this societal expected role. I’ve broken too many times. Sometimes I think I have DID but some sort of mess that no one has developed a diagnosis for. Where masking has fractured my identity so much that I’m not just one but many. It’s a mess trying to sort through it after decades of masking. Knowing my every autistic experience has been demonised by family for 40+ years doesn’t help either.

Currently in therapy trying to find my self compassion. I lost it, not sure I ever learned it. I’m 45, adhd dx at 42, ASC at 43. Lots of learning to go. It’s harder when you’re older, but I didn’t understand it when I was younger.. diagnosis in childhood, and appropriate support would have changes my life. Zero doubt. We need to be *lightly* educating kids about this stuff in primary school.

50 years of masking, and no idea what I’m like without it.

bullshit, masking is easy. this is gaslighting. a propaganda to make neurodivergent people self-sabotage.

Chaneleons change colour to express mood, not camouflage

Thank you for this.This accurately describes what I have experienced thru my lifetime

🫂❣️💌❣️

<3

If here anyone who can help me please my son non diagnosed yet but i know he have something we waiting for his assessments !! He dont eat nothing only cookies or bakery or biscuits or cake or nuggets or burger but has to be empty no fruits no veggie’s nothing at all i have to put in his lunchbox every day sweets otherwise he would starve all day at school and when i literally begging for him to at least to bite the food he screaming and crying and telling me no 😢😢😢 He can speak and communicate but many things he dont understand and financially also cost me a lot to buy every single day different varieties of sweets and bakery because he doesnt eat anything else hardly sometimes i make him to eat rice and chicken but it cant be onion he checks the food before he puts in his mouth and even if he find just one microscopic small anything in the food like tomato which i cant even see he will Reject the food .. how can i make him to eat

I’m completely blind, autistic and have CPTSD. I don’t mask my autism that much. But I do mask certain traits of my blindness, I mask my CPTSD and I mask my emotions. I do feel like unmasking would help my mental health. But I’ve gotten so used to masking in order to protect myself as well as protecting others. People pleasing is the right term for what I do. I just feel like once I remove the mask and start showing my sensitivity, I’m going to be judged, rediculed and shamed. But the funny thing is I’m so used to shame and judgment and criticism that I expect it instead of expecting love and support and safety.

I'm 28 and female, late diagnosed ADHD, CPTSD, possibly OCD and/or Social Anxiety Disorder but honestly I'm thinking I could be autistic.. last year I had a breakdown lead to a short term disability stint. Now im in the process of going down to part time and applying for disability. I mask everyday and it is incredibly exhausting. I didn't realize how much of me i was losing and how untrue I really was to myself. No wonder going to work has always been one of the hardest parts of life for me. Hopefully this will lead to some peace and truly opening up to who I really am/fulfilling my actual desires in life. Thank you for this video ❤

I find it incredibly difficult to unmask… it feels very protective and also helps me integrate socially. I can’t remember the last time I was fully unmasked around other people, I can only manage to do it alone, in my own space. Thank you for your videos, they have been so wonderful ✨

I'd like a part 3, with autistic young men. I'm a mum and the flirtation of sex, the unwritten codes, the porn- how they impact of young men.

I HIGHLY recommend reading "Autistic Masking - Understanding identity management and the role of stigma", by Dr. Amy Pearson and Kieran Rose. It is an academic book, but fairly reader-friendly and gives a good understanding of autistic masking, as it is so so so much deeper than what it is usually presented as.

I have friends who have issues with their family members and I hope this advice will help.

After about ten years of gradual realisation, I finally got my diagnosis 4 days ago, 10 days after my 54th birthday. I didn't expect to feel so much grief and loss at this point. I already have a diagnosis of cPTSD and I've suffered from anxiety and depression since childhood. I saw a really poignant quote yesterday: "We've never seen autism without trauma as well."

I have known I'm autistic for about a month. I'm 64 years old. For the first time my life makes sense. But so much was lost or missed.

no way! an ADHD hyper-focus hobby swap site sounds like the best idea ever! because this is so a problem for me LOL Can offer: plastering, metal detectoring, carpet fitting, jewelry making, screen printing, vinyl cutting, wet felt hat making. Am after: airsoft, punk battle jacket making, electrical wiring and car servicing [edit] at the moment my method is to sell the first lot of stuff to buy the second lot of stuff, this works until I get bored of selling things

great video :) any chance of a similar video on gender identity and ADHD/Autism because our POV is often different, it would be good to see

Not my undiagnosed teenage self thinking "huh, well everyone else is having sex, guess i should too" then finding a guy who was a friend and then proceeding to have sex with him just to get it over with...ps I did mention this in my recent diagnosis assessment at 46 (confirmed and very late diagnosed AuDHD)

I feel like I need to say this, but this and part one have a lack of representation in regards to other genders as to how autism effects them in these videos except for woman. I know that Ella relates as nonbinary, but when the other two people are both women it becomes clear that this is about female autistics and sex, and while that is fine and perfectly understandable if that is what you want the videos to be about considering the lack of female representation on the subject (I say that as someone who was afab) This series is thus far been one sided. Please keep in mind that I am saying that as someone who associates as being genderfluid and would really like to hear the thoughts, feelings and experiences of other genders on the spectrum in regards to this subject.

Another great video, thank you so much!!!

I've had several men put their hands around my neck and say "I thought all women like that!" When I tell them to let go. I'm assuming that comes from porn?

Swap site! 💙💙💙

State of flow 💙💙💙

We had to put them on bananas. Also section 28 was still a thing when I was in school, and I don’t think the SH talks have been upgraded since 28 was undone.

Great information! Any advice on how to help them retain new information? I use repetition but not sure how long or often to review the same things.

What a great discussion!

Awh Molly, Purple Ella 💙💙💙

I feel any approach to sexual matters has to revolve around four principles that I first saw "The Puzzle of Sex" by Peter Vardy (1997): 1. Psychology has made clear the intimate link between sexuality, personality and human development as well as the need for human integration. Sexuality is an essential part of human nature and each person has to come to wholeness by being able to accept and balance the different aspects of their nature. Sexuality and spirituality may be seen to be connected. The ability to love and to accept love, to form relationships and to enter into mature, adult sexual bonds depend to a larger extent on the experiences one has a young child. Early experiences can distort the development process and can cause adults to be psychologically immature. The impact of parents and a warm, stable, loving home environment is important to psychological well-being. If this is absent, distortions are likely to result which may not be resolvable without help later in life. The negative view of human sexual nature deriving form the Christian tradition needs to be rejected and a positive approach taken to the wholeness of human experience in giving and receiving love. 2. Any approach to sexual ethics must consider the whole human person and an attempt be made to seek a truthful understanding of what it is to be fully human. Aristotle and Aquinas tried to do this and today the same attempt must be made, but taking account of our modern knowledge of physiology, psychology and the complexity of human relationships. If this is done, one can remain faithful to the past methodology whilst recognising the findings of psychology and of science must inform theological and philosophical debate 3. Sexual relationships must always recognise the role of the other person involved as a free, autonomous human being and no human being may use another as a means to the end of his or her sexual gratification. Sex should always be a free act, a gift of intimacy, commitment and trust by one person to another. It should never be coerced, whether mentally of physically and should always express the depth of the relationship rather than being a means to try to develop a relationship rather than being a means to develop a relationship. The pleasure involved should come as a by-product of the gift of love and tenderness, never as an end in itself 4. Lovemaking between two people is something ‘deep’ and mysterious - it, like birth and death, is one of the great mysteries of life and concentration on the mechanics of the act without an appreciation of its role in the wider relationship misses its true significance. No philosophic analysis will be adequate to capture the full mystery of love nor will any set of rules meet all of the complexities of human relationships.

This is right on every level

Thank you for sharing this. I think being open about having meltdowns with the people in your life and acknowledging it can go a long way in repairing relationships. I did a video on this during a particular rough time : ruclips.net/video/Zq-ogMvfJ0k/видео.htmlsi=SvikKUq_DBEl4KVC

I really agree with sometimes when you turn a special interest into a job it ruins it. I have a lot of problems with ADHD paralysis and sometimes autism interest can only do so much to fight it lol