Chapter 30 My AuDHD Story Part 1: Childhood
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- Опубликовано: 4 ноя 2023
- Chapter 30 recapping my unexpected Autism and ADHD year: this week I'm looking back at my childhood and the two stories of it which are both true - the happy idealistic adventure story version, and the beginnings of the miserable, isolated locked-in version that both ended up being true.
I had a happy childhood but the foundations of a bit of an unhappy adulthood were definitely laid down in the childhood experiences I had.
Please do like and share this video and subscribe to my channel if you find any of it useful, or message me to get in touch and connect.
Contact email: amineurodivergent@gmail.com
Some useful links:
“Twice Exceptional Is a Cruel Double-Edged Sword”: www.additudemag.com/2e-adhd-a...
Twice exceptional adults with ADHD: What it means to be 2e: www.getinflow.io/post/twice-e...
AQ Autism Self-Test:
I'm going to keep posting the link to the AQ Self Test for autism every Sunday in case this is the first video in the series people come across. Take the self test (remember it's JUST a self-test) and see how you score. You may have been on the autism spectrum all along and just had no idea, like I was:
psychology-tools.com/test/aut...
Cat-Q Test (Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire):
embrace-autism.com/cat-q
ADHD Self-Test:
(with all the same caveats as above) an ADHD self-test. ADHD is even MORE common than autism (and many of us will have both); the vast majority of ADHDers just struggle through from childhood through adulthood having no idea that they even HAVE ADHD, let alone working out strategies to cope and deal with it all better to be happier and less frustrated with ourselves and others.
psychology-tools.com/test/adu...
"..and life becomes a series of could-have-beens." I'm 60, diagnosed ASD and ADHD at 45. This has been the story of my life, but Ive not given up. I started a new career last year. Its what I should have done all along.
This was fun to hear stories about young Struan and I related to a lot. I also struggled with the enormity of autism, ADHD, and my story when I first started my channel. Figuring out how to organize and deliver all of it is a Herculean task for sure but the more you address the easier it gets.
Here we go with Jennifer's typical info dump about all I relate to in your video:
I had to share the "autism plus environment equals outcome" thing you said with my husband. We've talked about that a lot because I too felt like I had lived a pretty charmed life. Don't get me wrong, My childhood had it's challenges... Grew up poor for the majority of my childhood, and my parents argued a lot (which I now suspect was a product of my father struggling with autism, anger, poor choices and bad executive functioning...) But despite that, I really did have a happy childhood. I lived in an intact two parent household, and I did feel love and safety. That is truly all a child needs growing up. I had a very happy childhood. Then, I got married to a loving and kind person and worked my way up to middle class. So, I went from good environment to good environment. I fully acknowledge autism plus environment equals outcome. Had I been in a different environment my outcome would have been very very different being on the spectrum. It's like keeping cancer at bay with chemo. It's still there, but being managed.
It was hard for me to say I struggled when I knew I had privileges many did not, same as you... But I DID struggle in a way I knew others didn't.
The neighborhood watch group was interesting. I was somewhat of a leader in my neighborhood group as well. I had started a neighborhood newsletter. I think a lot of autistic or AuDhD kids do this in part, because it is their way of controlling their environment.
Obviously had to comment on the fact that you were more obsessed with the toy catalogs than playing with the toys themselves because I did the same thing. Would stare at toy catalogs for hours more than I played with the toys. And holy shite I also hate things touching my neck! I can't wear turtlenecks or chokers because of that! I even have to cup my neck with my hands so that the pillow isn't touching my neck in a funny manner when I'm laying down. I'm able to wear my current necklace because for some reason it's light enough I can't feel it when I'm standing up but have to take it off to lay down because then it's touching my neck in a different way.
And yes neurodivergent people hate being perceived or watched. I recently watched an Instagram reel on this I'll have to see if I can find that and send it to you. I struggle with that so badly now I get irritated when my husband watches me doing stuff.
My son also stays up reading books and had a time where he was very stressed out about death and would talk about it late at night. We are having my son evaluated for the comorbidity of ADHD right now and in the intake session I mentioned this, and the counselor said that is actually pretty common for young children.
I think you might have been the first person I've heard mention the twice exceptional concept.. I will have to look into that.
But yes on the hiding away from people and honestly that being my happy safe space.
This was a great video, thank you for sharing it. And, now we know why your banner is of space!
Yeah, I kind of thought this is the only way to do it - I felt I couldn't really start specifically talking about AuDHD (specifically because there are still so very few templates out there on how to frame it) WITHOUT sequentially going back through my experiences and processing just how having both affected me and bringing myself back up to date with me through a double lens. The vast majority of my content to date has been JUST about the autistic aspects because there was so much more framing in existence to help me get to grips with that new singular aspect. AuDHD still feels a little like uncharted waters - though content like yours is really helping me (and I have to think many) make it all make a bit more sense.
Coming to this point has been very synchronistic with the timings of recapping my discovery year journey (which gives me a super-neat feeling of 'this is right!') because I was doing this exact thing in real life at the exact point I'm now recapping, but when i did it with the psychiatrist the first time it was ONLY through the lens of autism, at this stage the co-occurring ADHD was still only a possible. Knowing it's a definite now is like doing the whole recapitulation of my life from scratch with a NEW lens yet again, which has been a lot, but actually very cathartic, because the bits that didn't make sense the first time around, DO make sense now with knowing both conditions are simultaneously present.
The toy catalogue obsessions and neighbourhood newsletter overlaps are too funny - a lot of us really are running the same basic programme just in different environmental settings, aren't we?? 🤣
On 2e, look up Julie Skolnick at With Understanding Comes Calm - she runs a twice monthly adult 2e support group online called The Haystack which joined and dial into (when I have time, I've missed a few), having done one of Julie's 2e support groups previously. It's a nice space.
Your story is super interesting, relatable and important. Thank you for sharing and by that inspiring introspective and compassion ❤
Thanks for sharing your story! Looking forward the other chapters :)
(1:35mins in) - wow this guy's flow of conversation is rather relatable.
(Few more minutes in) - .... Holy *.. Is that why I feel the need to flee when being around 1person too many for 5minutes too long; and it's not simply being "anti social"? Feeling drained is due to subconscious information overload? What?
🤣 - glad to be of service[/disservice] - welcome!
@@amineurodivergent thank you. Thank you so much. Since childhood, I've felt out of place. Like a piece of a puzzle that simply doesn't quite fit. This requires research and I'm going to see a professional very soon
Welcome back, Struan, and hearing your personal story is very interesting and helpful to me, thanks so very much!! I can relate to a lot, like the categorizing, living in my own little world and social difficulties. My playtime was more ADHD while my autism made for being a great student, but school also was a place that was safer to me than home was, as that was a rather traumatizing context. As such, the double E feels very familiar, and still struggling with that; not a lot of (psychological) health professionals REALLY understand the cost of masking for 40+ years... I love listening to you, so a big thank you once more 🙏❣️
Thank you. Yeah, it's very disheartening how little grasp of masking and burnout there is out there, even amongst so-called professionals. Hopefully that will change and this kind of conversation just becomes completely normalised rather than a niche audience who get it because they've unfortunately been through it. We'll get there, I have faith!
Hi Struan , great to see you back, and back on track. Your personal narrative means much more . Just as educational but in a much more meaningful way. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for watching and sticking with me!
It all resonates.
Super interesting video - thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your story! I am finding a lot of parallels with my own life, more than I thought. The one outlier is that I did not have external aggression that you faced with your school buddy. And the 2E concept definitely rings true for me.
I enjoyed hearing you telling about yourself. I've been intentionally allowing my memories time and space. Journaling. Simply sharing with myself is exhausting. The effort is worth it though as processing rather than enduring has me feeling less stressed more often in the context of accepting past experience. Thank you. Glad you're back!
So good to see you back Struan. This is very interesting and useful for me, as I come to understand my own neurodivergence. I could see myself in so much of what you shared. It helps me to see myself more clearly. You are doing a great service for so many. Thank you so much. Take good care of yourself and feel better soon.
Hellooooo Struan! Glad to see you back on.
11:37 same here! I had been so confused for years that my generally loving and supportive upbringing has left me feeling so distressed. I couldn't reconcile the two. I had a single, disabled mom (social worker until she couldn't work anymore, almost certainly also autistic) so we weren't wealthy, but she was a great mother, and I felt somehow that being so anxious and depressed and fragile was letting her down. It turns out that it can both be true that I had a mostly positive childhood environment AND that it was hard for me because I'm AuDHD. I now feel this sense of peace because that love and support made it a lot better than it could have been, and I no longer feel this cognitive dissonance between the facts of my childhood and my feelings. She taught me a lot of coping skills, my schools were small, supportive environments, and I often was able to enjoy my passions.
I also hid in closets and shelves all the time. It was so much more peaceful
Hope you feel better soon, and get lots of rest!
40:19 I haven't heard of this; thank you for sharing and linking. Interesting that I haven't heard of it here in the US. 43:04 oof that sounds familiar...
Yes, it absolutely CAN be both things that are true and I think actually looking back at the kind of cocoon of my childhood now, despite all the things I found difficult, I'm grateful for the stability and environment it gave me to kind of know I can be just fine if left to my own devices in an environment that's just so. From thinking it was kind of idyllic in many ways, to looking at it askance and thinking it did me harm, I think I'm kind of back to seeing it as idyllic again. It's a complicated dance this re-framing, but I think I'm in a good place now when the music stops. Really glad to hear you're feeling a sense of peace as you look back. Both realities can be true, and one doesn't lessen the other, 100%.
@@idontwannapickanametho Julie Skolnick at With Understanding Comes Calm has a lot of interesting stuff about 2e - she has a twice monthly 2e support group called The Haystack which I sometimes join. Would recommend checking out her page and group: www.withunderstandingcomescalm.com
@@amineurodivergent thanks for the link! I'll definitely check it out
I could relate to so many things that you discussed today.
This one was SO interesting! Thanks for sharing. There were many things in the second part I recognise in myself.
Yay you're back!
Hi Struan, I related to so many things! Like all of them, but especially the going to bed thing. It has been a lifelong challenge for me.
Ive been fighting thru a burnout too, I think the autumn brings it on. Last year I had one but didn't know what it was. I'm so glad I found out ! And I really appreciate you and all who share because that massively helped me
We just set the clocks back 1 hour and I'm rearranging the furniture ! Seems to help change your perspective when you change your surroundings! Does everyone still have Daylight Savings Time? It's weird, but I kinda like the predictability of that change!!
I really liked this video Im going watch it again🙂
Thanks for watching! Yeah, I've always struggled with going to bed/ going to sleep. I can't work out whether it's an autistic inertia thing (difficulty changing states) or an ADHD motor thing (always more to do, difficulty switching off). I think I maybe need to stop worrying so much about cause and just trying to work out a way to aid the transition and then feel relaxed enough to WANT to go to sleep. The effect of feeling exhausted after not enough sleep doesn't seem to be enough even though every time I have an early start without enough sleep I think: "never again..." Never sticks though.
Talking about how being excessively focused on a task isn't good for you... in a video that you're shooting while ill. I guess that's on-brand. :-)
Don't, don't, don't, don't stop the beat / I c-can't, can't, c-can't control the feet ...
Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra...
Sokath, his eyes uncovered
@@amineurodivergent where the walls fell
I'm sorry. You're cool, but my misophonia is making this difficult.