Thank you, Jack! It seems so subtle but makes such a great difference if they want that (marriage, kids, commitment, etc) in general or with you. I have a question: how about guys that when you ask them, they come up with something like "I don't know what the future holds" when you ask about the future. I once asked my ex if he thought I was the love of his life and he said he couldnt say that coz we dont know the future and if sth happened he didnt want to lead me to believe he was lying. I don't know how should I approach the next guy to be sure he wants a commited relationship that leads to marriage with me and not keep doubting that if he wants that as a possibility in general or with me. This is such a new topic at least for me and I would like a deeper heads up on this, please. Greetings from Peru.
It is stringing someone along if intentions are not made clear. So a wishy washy confusing person can seriously mess up a person who is genuinely seeking a solid commitment and knows what they want. So selfish.
That’s why you need to listen to your intuition. It will usually tell you that the relationship isn’t going to where you want it to go. So many woman stay despite all the red flags 🚩 hoping things will change instead of just breaking up.
MAJORITY (not all) Of Men Choose To BE Avoidant, TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT, Avoidance in Dealing With Their Issues ( we all have em) Becuz Their Allowing FEAR to Control Them Instead of Being Courageous WHICH FROM EXPERIENCE in Counseling & Coaching ISNT EVEN HARD AS IMAGINED. Such a Waste Of TIME & LIFE.
Wondering, Jack, what you think of this thought- it seems to me that men need that traditional pull of wanting to making a family to jump to the other side. Divorced men of my generation (late 60's) especially if their children, grandchildren live close by, seem content with companionship vs partnership. I'm actually trying to be okay with this so I don't cut off my nose to spite my face and just be in the sobriety that this isn't my first choice, but it's a place where I can learn & grow...and enjoy for what it is. Difficult when time ticking sounds so loud at times!!
I love your videos, especially this one, because you get into the nuances and you don't vilify people. Sometimes things don't work out because people are not on the same page. It's not that either person is a bad person. People are in different places in their lives and they don't always make a good match. I like that you point that out. Thank you again for your nuanced discussions.
I did bring up this conversation finally on my part. But have not heard anything back, left it at that, nobody wants to invest into something that won't pay off. To all confused men, please leave women alone that know what they want.
YES!! I'm learning this after spending 4 years in that avoidance place with a male friend of mine, he's very much like you mention (not mentioning it so as to not hurt me). Denial is a place free of pain but not of truth.
I agree men and women go through this phase. As a woman in her late twenties, I have been emotionally available yet unwilling to commit for a long term relationship at an earlier point in my life, even though I take relationships seriously. At times like this, conversation is important to have with your partner about expectations & shared long term goals. Everyone has their own journey. Thank you for speaking on this topic @jackbutler for more clarity on this topic☘️
Also I have come across me who express very clearly that they want a committed relationship. Yet as I continue to investigate them I see they are not really emotionally available. Now that is an interesting situation. It is not my job to fix a man’s emotional availability with my awesomeness. So I just walk away from getting involved with that type of man too.
Yeah I don't know that we are always accurate in discerning what we are available for. I still encourage people to have those conversations because it's more data points and you may be able to learn to spot a guy who says he is available and actually is.
I think Jack mentioned it in another video, or if it was someone else (?). But if a person says they want something, we have to ask supplementary questions, like "You want a committed relationship, how does that look for you?" :)
Good guy F-boy. Get with woman That you know don’t want a relationship upfront. Selfish af. You want all the benefits without the commitment. Many woman don’t want a relationship just fun ,, but you wouldn’t want to share her huh 🤔. That’s why you hook her emotionally. Bunch of BS. I don’t believe anything a guy says and sadly now even actions. I continue to multi date and don’t put all my eggs in one basket because of men like you-Users.
Thank god for women like you who multi-date. I cannot commit and tend to be selfish af and "multi-date" too. I don't hook emotionally, or maybe I do, IDK. But on the contrary, I have never objected on her will to share herself. I mean we are all gonna die, lets not put our eggs in one basket as I feel it too much to invest in one person.
I have just experienced this- I was starting to feel deeply triggered- and even discussed this and started treatment straight away to deal with old wounds, as I couldn’t understand what was going on in reality. One night I spoke about what wan his thoughts on the future etc…. Moving forward- it was indirectional but in passing conversation. Two days later he phoned stating i deserved better, that he just wanted to take things slow etc, despite having gained girlfriend title in the early stages - the penny finally dropped! It’s just a shame I didn’t trust my internal compass and due to having an awful experience in a previous relationship I internalised that and went to seek therapy thinking it was my insecurities. (And yeah I have some) Anyway- it shows my level of awareness, ownership of self and commitment! Thank you 🙏🏻 It’s all learning x
I hear you - the both/and thing can be really hard - so, maybe it's true that insecurities are getting triggered and maybe it's true that someone isn't actually available. Great learning, keep at it
When you described "having one foot out" of the connection I realised that's been me in the past...so I was an emotionally available unavailable girl! 🤪 On reflection it was largely due to lack of communication and compatibility, as well as my own learnings about myself that needed to happen 🤗🙏💝
Ok, got it, Jack, you're not an angel!!! :D Thanks for sharing. At least I know it wasn't me. The "I would never talk about xyz, if I didn't mean it" part is quite precise.
So helpful, Jack. Your videos will definitely help me be more “sober” in the future. It seems one of my favorite pastimes is deluding myself. Thank you.
My boyfriend talked about HIS commitment, the future, trips, being all in and I was unsure of his authenticity. He assured me he'd show me over time how committed he was and then, he bailed at month four. Way to much, too fast. My fault too.
I always say the only therapist is one who has walked in others shoes. Someone who can relate to real situations. This message is so awesome because Jack is admitting his real life trials to help others. People like this are so humble and non judgemental. I love Jack. He's the best!
Yikes. The innate ability to drop into deep connection quickly with a fellow human is a gift and a curse. Makes for a great counselor / friend / hypnotist / spiritual guide. No wonder so many people fall in love with their therapeutic providers. I'll be processing this video for a few months as it relates to my own questionable behavior.
Wow! Thanks again for such amazing information. You and your videos absolutely helped me move from finding unavailable men over and over and finally finding the man I now call my amazing husband. Sometimes the available men are our good friends. Not always quite as charismatic and flashy. But once uncovered end of being the absolute KING that you spoke of. Thanks again!
jack you've done so much work and so self aware, most men are not like this. they dont even know who they are, let alone know women know where they stand....but thank god for women intuition. most women know when a guy is not very interested but our feelings can over-ride it and we chase. thats why so important to be self aware, use fem intuition and be high value
Jack, are you married? If yes, what was it about your wife that made you commit, over the other women that you broke their hearts and wasted their time? Maybe do a video on it. Throw us a bone here!
Not that this applies to Jack, but most of my male friends agree that, "Women settle down when they find the right man. Men find the right woman when they're ready to settle down."
@@Nicole-is-global This is absolutely true of my fiance when he proposed to me at 47 only after a few months of getting to know me deeply. And I agreed to marry him for the same reason. It really is not so much about the other person most of the time but where we are in our own timeline.
FANTASY vs. REALITY, even in the best-connected relationships there will always be the factor of compatibility & synchronicity at any level of co-existence.Thanks!
Exactly. I thought he was stringing me along and playing me. Its later on giving me hints he can drop me at any moment, yet we are spending so much time together, texting every day etc... but when I can see things are slowing down and actively see hes distant he wasnt communicating clearly... and nothing I did seem to uplift him fully
I appreciate how you truly express the real non-bias truth about men. Your videos have helped me a lot to get a better understanding on how to handle my current relationship. There are many relationship coaches on the Internet. But you are my go to when I need real answers. It is not easy to decipher (the best way to describe it) what men truly wants. As many times I have expressed myself...I don't care much anymore. I pour all my time and attention to myself and what's going to make me a productive better person. Thank you, Jack!
Daisy Stapleton Thanks for your reflection Daisy. Did you ever watch my video from Dec 2019 on getting over heartbreak. It distinguishes non attachment from detachment. When you said I don’t care much anymore i thought this video may help. 🙏
i dated a guy who always kept one foot out the door, he would shame me if i tried to have a talk about where we were, he liked to play relationship but “didn’t believe in labels” mister convenient, also he would disappear for days at a time saying it was his thing to stay emotionally healthy but if i would take a day to myself or not instantly answer a call or text he’d freak out then gas light me etc 🤦 never again also he would always dangle a carrot of a great future - just empty words and promises
Baneful Things yep, future faking to keep us hooked. Keeps the sex and companionship benefits coming their way. I hung in with a guy for 3 plus years and was fooled by the bread crumbing and future faking. I feel so ashamed about that but like jack says he wasn’t my guy. I learned a huge lesson and will quickly take a bow from someone who shows any glimmers of these selfish and using behaviors. I didn’t know then what I know now and for that I am grateful.
Thanks for being so open. Great vid again. Although it makes me kind of sad. You talked about men not realizing women's vulnerability... It really looks like men can go through life so easily without really committing and be happy. And we, the vulnerable women, who seem to have more need for real commitment are suffering. I hope I'm just writing rubbish in my tiredness...
M mmm I think men have real vulnerability, it may just be harder for them to contact? and maybe they look to relationship a little less? However, often intimate relationship is the and only place for men to be vulnerable which is why men often do worse emotionally in divorce
@@thejackbutler I never doubted their vulnerability. In fact I know this all too well, no news to me and that you confirm my view makes it actually a depressing outlook. But I'll be ok. Thanks for the answer!
Thank you Jack..this is what's going on w me and my lover in the first year of things.I understand men a bit more better and feel more comfortable about going a little slower w things now..❤️🙏
Thank you for this Jack. I'm in a FWB exclusive situation but more lovers and friends.. We both feel the connection between us. I'm more than happy without the tag and tbh I don't want the tag. If we spend time together we do, if we dont we don't. We both understand, we don't give each other a hard time. We are best friends and miss each other. For me this is perfect 😍 I love him as a friend, maybe more but would be more than happy if he found someone else to be happier with. His happiness and mine are key. Freedom is key. We live our lives, do what we want. Honestly the best non relationship I've ever had! Someone gets me!
What a mess ,at least don't call them friend ,lover would be more appropriate,presenting one as best friend and f...k with them a part time basics gives so wrong values of the friends meaning ....,so sad about it ,wish I never have friends like you....at least when someone present me one as friend I know they don't sleep with them
This triggered so much of my anger. I'm deep into processing. The last few all created more anxiety for me. I think I know all this, but I think your delivery seems heavy. I'll stop there. That's where I'm at.
Hi . I think the best policy of every guy is to be honest with himself and the other person .....and be more upfront with your intentions ... the better .....in my opinion this video shows how low some men can be regarding commitment.... witch some women still want 😀...
I think I could handle emotionally available unavailable, that would be fine with me. To me, even with best intentions, people are free to change their minds, and if they haven't closed the deal in four years, then maybe you should both ask if that's what either of you really want.
Damn Jack... you're a player! HAHA. But seriously, thank you for this share. Your explanation of "emotionally available, unavailable men" has steered me well as of late.
Thanks for being real! I think it's more frequent in younger years because you are not 100% aware of how much damage you cause other people, and that eventually you actually waste your time as well. You were "emotionally available" because that's basically your nature, that's what suit your character. And yes, I also take commitment seriously. But ideally, I would love to give it a try, give a chance to getting to know eachother for say 6-8 months minimum, perhaps a year. Until you're sure this is it, and also that you are sure who the other person is, and are we compatible (will this work). However, it never happened that way. Because I either fell in love in 2 weeks, or I never did. In the first case I was already "doomed" : if I had to find out this is not the guy, there would already be damage.
@@thejackbutler of course it's selfish. If you had put her needs first, the inevitable hurt might have been avoided, at least to some extent. Do you realize how much emotional baggage men put on women because of this kind of this behaviour?? Thank you for sharing. Nothing new in what you said, I have already deciphered on my own this is how most confused men behave. But this was the worst video....
I had to listen to this twice! This describes perfectly my last relationship. I didn’t have the discernment then. Thank you for offering that to me now so moving forward I will notice this.
Maybe the guy you were seeing should have just been up front and truthful......A guy saying "I don't know what I want" is more helpful than just being an emotionally available/unavailable asshole.
Your videos are so helpful!! They are clear and straight to the point...as I continue to discern my 3 year relationship knowing what I know I want in a relationship yet trying to understand clearly if my guy is ever really going to commit as a true partner... I’m patient and understanding but I truly value myself and my relationships, so I need to make sure I don’t stay in something that may never progress to a deeper more meaningful and fulfilling partnership.... I just want to move foward with clarity...
Jack Butler do u offer one on one consultation?? I listen to your videos and really love how you explain things and your perspective on relationships. I have a hard time trying to get a clear understanding from where my guy is coming from as I knows he deeply cares about me yet will he ever truly own this relationship?? If not, I don’t want to waste my time. I have tried to talk with him but he lives “in the moment “ and says what we have is wonderful, but he makes no movement to integrate on a deeper level or actually identify as “In a relationship” - we “have a relationship” ....uggh, I have a relationship with everyone in My life!!! He talks in circles to me- atleast that’s what I hear...
Only halfway through but find this topic very interesting! It's so true that some people (male or female) live more in the realm of ideas & possibilities, rather than concrete facts/goals, etc... What's really helped me is figuring out my OWN tendencies and beliefs about relationships, instead of focusing so much on what my partner might be thinking - turns out I have a lot of "commitment issues" that I project onto others... needs some sorting out for sure!
So Jack good conversation, and video, with you really being able to explain how you were feeling and showing up in a relationship you weren’t 100% invested into OR also not committed to. So my question’s are: Was it past experiences that made you like this? OR was it just something about the other person that was a off fit for you? And what changed your mind? As im assuming your in a committed relationship now?
I spent so much time with a guy who was emotionally available, unavailable guy who would frequently pull away (ghost) then come back romantically or for emotional/ physical intimacy. I would have episodes of grief every time he did this, until the situation ship became toxic for me. We could discuss anything but he wouldn’t discuss us without him getting dark. I had to stop being available to him permanently- once I realized I could never be at peace in this dynamic. I have healed and have changed a lot about how I approach life. But still scared to encounter this type of thing again.
Thank you Jack, for bringing this subject up. It is very reassuring you have these ideas. I think it makes the world a bit better. Thank you for speaking your truth.
Hi Jack, thanks for this. Got me thinking. I have met a widower who I connect with really well but he does still have grief to work through. It is difficult for me to give him the space he needs and not let myself feel neglected. I like the 'loving companion' which may give us both what we need at the moment. X
Rachel, I am on date 3 with a widower and I am ready to ask the question of where he's at. He started dating about 6 months after her accident and says he's strong and talked with female friends, the teenagers had therapy, one still goes and mother's day just passed.i am sure that was difficult. But it was the 2nd. Mother's day since. What questions did you ask? Today I'm ready to start a little game, he is excited for of getting through the 36 questions ( that are said to make one fall in love) so I guess through this I'll see his level of connection. He's really able to deliver long and repeated hugs. I'm guessing that's a good sign. I hope that isn't a way of love bombing. Besides the questions, what else have you observed about him in your process? If you don't mind sharing.....
Unfortunately and fortunately this resonated with me. I am going to have to make that hard decision within a few days. I could make it today. But I won’t. I hope that I have the strength to make it by Friday. I realize that the person I am with, although monogamous and participating in our relationship, always has 1 foot out. However in his own heart he really doesn’t want to admit this but his actions scream this. As such, I know that I too, now I have 1 foot out.
Chlarie Peace Admittedly, I have made the decision when I wrote to you(and the subscribers here) a wee bit ago . I think that I meant that I would put it off until Friday. But as you wisely point out, what’s the point of doing that? Just before I wrote back to you, I made an appointment with him for 3 PM to get the few things I still have left at his place. Please accept my sincere gratitude for your thoughtful, considered and wonderfully communicated response.
Jack Butler as you may remember, or as you may conclude, I know that I have the strength. Yet, it is in my experience that I have a difficult time swimming through the anxiety and second-guessing of my clearly correct decisions . So long as I continue to swim across the caldera of my own anxiety, I will reach a more peaceful place.
Chlarie Peace just an update: I went over to his house yesterday to pick up just a few things. We were really polite to each other. He did his usual “flipping the script “when I said, “ I don’t have the skills to handle how I perceive his personality change when he drinks so much”. I said it in a quite calm, plain and unenergized voice. He still turned it around where I was the person that needed to apologize. I gathered up the few things that I had left at his house.. All of this I did quietly whilst walking out. He came from the other side of the house , met me at the car to give me a hug and invite me to come back later yesterday afternoon. Most importantly, after I got in my car, before I even finished going down his driveway, I blocked his number so that I would no longer receive text messages or phone calls from him. Granted, I almost told him it would probably be best for him if he got on a dating site but I did not want him to use that sentence to bait me into an argument I should say. Thank you very much for all the inspiration to all of you who reply with compassion have sent my way. I know that I am only day one into swimming through my self created anxiety but I will swim to the other side and come out stronger.
This sounds much like my situation. It’s going to be very difficult to end the relationship, if I can even call it that. I have asked him several times if he wants to stop seeing me and texting daily, and he tells me no. I’m confused and anxious all the time.
Yes, I've experienced this alot with men...ecspecially recently. It sucks. But great advice...don't live in the fantasy, live in the reality of the situation! It can be very confusing...best to leave these guys alone!
Jack did you realise you were doing this at the time you were doing it ? Or was it years later that you realised you were that guy ? I’ve had this done twice now, and I’m wondering if they realise at the time how destructive it can be
I don't think they realize it,eventhou in my opinion everybody has this inner conscious that they are not doing good,but I think they don't care for the other person,is all about I",this world nowadays is crazy ....
I have no clue, some men are really straight forward. Others lie to get what they want, some change their minds after awhile. But all experiences are wonderful so here I am back at the start and I'm good🌷🥂
Amanda Barbolla I agree. Some men/people are also secretive not deceptive - which means they don’t necessarily volunteer how they feel but they will answer a direct question
This is so brilliant. I am the one on the possibility side. I need to talk about those, I call it “run them all up the flag pole, or spaghetti on the wall”, to find out if it’s worth pursuing
Thank you! I hear you - it can sometimes be really good practise to shift into realism and see how the world looks from there, more of 'show me something substantive' before I take a look mentality
Such a good post! I've been on both ends of this scenario. Thank you for sharing this information. I've some clarity now on how to discern the 'type' and/or level of commitment within myself and others. 🙏❤️
And this is okay. Like cudos to those ppl who meet ppl and know automatically, this is the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean, woot. Thts a scary decision to make. You talkin the rest of your life or a long term commitment. I ain’t even there. Thts not a place I get to easily because my mind is always thinkin there might someone better to come along. My thing is I jst want the experience to be fun while it last. No games, no hurtin ppl’s feelings. Jst honesty with yourself and the other person. Because at the end of day, I want to leave the situation with my sanity. Thts all
Good points and clearity into guys. How do we know if a harmonious guy is available/knows what he wants or if he is just lying because he is being nice while saying he wants marriage, kids and committed relationship?
Hi Jack, loved the advice in this video. I'm talking to a guy that was my best friend when we were teenagers and now is overseas for college graduation. He not always answers my messages and I get to start most of the conversations. He says that he likes me very much and would like to date me when he comes back.. but I dont really feel that he is being true always. Its been very hard.
Why even invest so much and show up so much when you don't really want to be there? I don't understand. I probably would have felt it. I am very connected.
This is exactly what I am dealing with right now. Hits every point dead on. Now if I could just get closure of what happens next. and move on. I don;t know where I stand with this person and he there aren't relationship ready then don't keep me hanging on but if they are then communication is so vitale and key to know where both parties stand.. It kinda stinks being grown up the growing pains don't stop there just extended in different way..:(
Soaps Inspirations By H J L One way to think about it - over time, his lack of clarity is your answer. Unless he’s really showing up and investing over time, he’s not your guy
@@thejackbutler I was afraid of that answer, why do they even message us and decide not too. If they're not ready for that. He found me on site now I'm thinking I should stopped it awhile ago if I new this was going to happen. It stinks. Signs were there but I was just seeing if maybe something would.
Oh Jack, say it ain't so! You'd never break a heart! Just kidding. We all have probably injured someone at some point in our lives. Good point on realizing that we may not be thinking on the same lines as our partner when it comes to where we stand in the relationship. I'm pretty open about asking upfront so there aren't surprises when I start feeling like they should be stepping up a little more. I'm an intuitive so I tend to be able to tell mostly when the person is not feeling me the way I want them to. The problem I see is that the culture, even the older guys just want to "hook up" and I'm not a hook up kinda girl. I'm more of a " I am for you James T Kirk" kinda woman. Not sure if you are familiar with the original Star Trek series or not. Haha. Great video! Thanks
notthatVashti Alas Star Trek is a fairly gaping hole in my awareness! Even if there is truth in the older guy phenomenon, you only need one guy who wants an actual relationship?
Yep interesting. I'm a woman. Some men do play the love game. Fake love for sex. Say what you want to hear very early. I'm old fashioned so I use the lets date for 3 to 5 years with 'no sex' see how long he stays around & interested. If he loves you, has honest, real feelings, he'll be there for you 24/7 & fully agreed to your views & wants. If he's keen then mentions sex, that's all he wants. Will buy you lots of gifts too 'buying your affections' then ask for sex. Saying but I love you. Don't fall for it ladies. Move on. Plenty of fish in the sea. Respect yourself. He'll adore you for it. No sex before marriage. Never be sad if he leaves. Good riddance!! It's God protecting you from people who aren't allowed to be in your life. Never give up your fiends either ladies. Women need a social life & male friends around. If your man can't cope. Tough! 👆👍
A person can also take commitment seriously without having to piddle around because they trust themselves and present with integrity rather than orienting to others with mere lust and selfishness.
I hear that word companion !!!used alot by men these days , I was confused by the meaning ,now I know "lover, companion without commitment " I feel that people can change their mind at anytime. Even if their commited. Relationships hmm
I think I could do that... I'm so used to men that are completely emotionally unavailable. I think I'm emotionally unavailable to an extent. I've been hurt a lot in the past and I'm afraid of commitment. I am honest with myself and men about that though.
Hey Jack. Long time. Thank you for the honesty in this video. Takes a lot of guts to be vunerable on these things. This was a very interesting subject but one question kept going through my head..... If a guy is in love with someone and he's showing up, is there still a chance that one foot is out the door. This has thrown me because I have always believed that if a guy is there with me in every aspect of the relationship, completely committed and in love then he is there for the very long haul and wants the same things. Am I presuming to much??
Thanks so much Jack for this content! I might be recognizing the guy I just broke up with in this video. What are some questions I can ask, to be sure, that it’s an emotional available unavailable man and not an emotional available available man, who needs some more time to get to know me and maybe mature himself?
This is very much like the situation I’m in currently. I don’t know what to do; I don’t want to give him up yet. He’s 72 and I’m 70. He’s been divorced 20 years and is confused about what he wants and is looking for in a relationship. We’ve been dating for 8 months.
Dear one, He is telling you that he is not your guy. Gracefully take a bow with your dignity and self love intact. There is someone who will be all in. Make yourself available for him.
Great video, something so simple yet so complicated. I just hope people would communicate more and longer to each other before making decisions, getting sexual and looking for commitments. From personal experience I could ad that When I thought I was ready I was the one who was not. Admitting it was harsh.
Thank you for your honesty Jack this video really helped me. I’m waiting until I’m married to have sex so I don’t have to worry about man only using me for that since when I tell him I’m waiting most guys leave 😂😂😂 which of course makes me happy since I know they are not Mr Right. I know how I need to date more man and not put my eggs all in one basket. Thank you!
Do they ever come back when they are at a better place emotionally? I had exactly the same kind of situation. We had been seeing each other from time to time, keeping in touch daily. The guy was consistent and had many great qualities. When it came to being intimate, that's when we had the "honest talk" as it was important for me to be on the same page (especially because I had been hurt in the past due to avoiding difficult conversations). He said he is very slow to get attached, so we decided to wait to be on the same page emotionally. But a week later he confessed he did not feel like he was over his past long-term relationship yet (which had ended a year ago). He told me he likes me and I told him I like him too. We did not figure out how to proceed and had to leave it at a "let's see". Now it's been a week and he never reached out to me again. I keep thinking maybe I wanted too much too soon, but part of me says there was nothing else I could have done about it. I am kind of sad that this is how it went. Is this really it?
kurkuleens wow that sucks. You are not alone. He said he is not ready so that means it is out id your control. You have a choice. Hold a torch waiting for him to come back, focus on yourself and heal, and get yourself back out there again.
What do you think is "gross"? I ask this without judgement. Maybe I misunderstood, but the man I left was monogamous, not looking for anyone else, easy to be with so long as he was not questioned or his actions called into question, affectionate and would talk through life's ups & downs so long as it could not be misconstrued that his actions caused any distress. I had to end it not because he/it was gross but because his actions consistently reminded me that a relatively equal and collaborative partnership was not his goal. He was emotional, available but differed in what he wanted the long term to look like. I would not call him or his actions gross though. Would you please clarify?
Jack, my boyfriend of close to 2 months recently admitted that he has doubts, not a definite yes and not a definite no. Exactly what you were saying. He didn't want to break up, when I asked him if he meant that. Is that a good sign that he was able to open up and be vulnerable and honest to me? I didn't over react, although it hurt to hear. He said he wanted to be fair to me and said he respects me. He is very family oriented.
J S I think that kind of honesty is generally a good thing. Over time, I would include asking him if he’s wanting to settle down, and if there’s anyone else in his heart?
What I'm afraid of is that I've been so used to crumbs, I'll end up falling for just bigger sized crumbs, as he could be filling spaces and adding value in area's ive never had met before in a relationship. I dont mean to make this hard... but im really struggling to know what is true investment although he may be "investing".
Jassmen Robinson I think over a long enough time a true investment is easier to discern - not that many guys will keep investing consistently over 9+ months of 2-3 times of real time a week
Let us know when Karma bites your butt. Thank you for sharing, tho. Very helpful. Watching these dating videos made me realize what a fantastic person I am, because I would never do it to someone else. These videos are excellent for me self-esteem. I am truly a person of integrity. I have so much respect for myself; I am truly a gem.
Thanks again..... your words mean gold to all of us but how do I deal with a guy that is different to all the guys u ever known ..... I think every human brain emotions feelings are different but similar to an extent...... why why whyyyyy its so complicated?! Why can a human just be honest to each other in terms of love or emotions?! Wtfudge.... I may be little too old for this game.... may as well just become a NUN! God always will be there for me!
I think there's a lot in this. Sometimes are feelings aren't stable - or we have a real connection with someone but we don't see them as our LT person. Sometimes we have a good romantic/sexual connection, but we don't connect on all levels. Culturally, we also aren't always rewarded just for being direct with one another.
What do you recommend I do when the guy I've been seeing has been answering "I don't know" in response to my asking what he wants with me, how he feels, if he wants to continue being boyfriend/girlfriend? We've been seeing each other for 4 months, but he's gone from calling me his girlfriend and treating me as such to only two texts a day (good morning/good night), not asking to spend time with me, but agreeing to spend time if I ask. He hasn't pulled the plug, but wants to think about it. The thinking about it has been a week and there's been no further conversation on the subject, just minimal contact, but not ghosting.
Move on, if guy is interested he would be on a top of it. Please forgive me if I am too critical. Hopefully in a future take longer to get to know person before getting in expectation of immediate commitment. If guy says he doesn't know, believe him he is actually doesn't know. He just want sex cuddles etc. without getting into seriousness. It is quite normal behaviour for man and woman. I dated guys longer and I was not sure if I wanted to be with them… it drown them crazy but I needed time to decide if this is what I truly want. You know what really helped is to slow down and get to now the person first.
Thanks, you guys. Very difficult to accept this reality. Lots of grief, lots of tears. But I need to have the dreaded conversation. This is like a slow, painful death.
So from your point of view, were you still looking for the one, and there was something missing that you wernt really sure what it was? Also is it that a man is career orientated and planning and providing for the future. And the relationships where you didnt commit to came at the wrong time in your life? (This is a question for me) my last relationship was lovely, for both of us, but he got scared as things moved closer to commitment, we are both in our 50’s. Plus some family pressures (ill parents) But he got scared and ran, we have kept in contact. And now hes showing interest in maybe getting back together, i want to but so scared of getting hurt again, and feel a reverse of roles, and that im in the position, he was in the first time round. So my question is do i “ask him what he wants from me and the relationship at this time? And what he see’s for us in the future? I think that sounds quite harsh and will be putting him on the spot. But if he’s done the internal work to heal his past relationship issues? Then i feel he should feel stronger to answer and question and not be intimidated by it. Appreciate your thought’s
Wow! So my question is how do I tell him that I want the commitment and I’m not settling for less without it sounding like an ultimatum or like I’m a door mat? I want to tell him I love him and if he ever changes his mind and is ready to make the commitment to me he can reach out to me and we’ll see where I am at that point. We’ve been together a year. And twice I let him go, gave him his space and he came back both times. (My friends jokingly call him the boomerang man). But we have come to a cross roads. I have never known a man quite like him so I’m in uncharted waters! I’m 49 and he is 54. Both divorced for more than 10 years and have had 1 or 2 serious relationships before ever meeting. Back to my original question: how do I convey this to him without it sounding like an ultimatum or that I’m a doormat. I know if I’m not willing to walk away we could keep going on like this for years.
Ask him question, lots of hem, get him thinking… the real answer would come out naturally. Questions like: How do you see your life years from now, where do you want to be in your carer, what would make you happy, what are you searching for in life…. Maybe after listening to him you would be the one who is not ready ;-)
Rachel T I think it’s about owning your desire - you can do that lovingly and clearly. If I invite someone to my home and say hey could you take your shoes off, am I making an ultimatum?
I also have the same questions. As I have been stuck in a situationship with an amazing man for way too long. I’ve been patient thinking he’s just not ready. I want something real and genuine, but don’t know how to state this without it sounding like an ultimatum. It’s so confusing.
Download my FREE guide to be at ease in dating and relating: bit.ly/realfreedomguideNEW
Thank you, Jack! It seems so subtle but makes such a great difference if they want that (marriage, kids, commitment, etc) in general or with you. I have a question: how about guys that when you ask them, they come up with something like "I don't know what the future holds" when you ask about the future. I once asked my ex if he thought I was the love of his life and he said he couldnt say that coz we dont know the future and if sth happened he didnt want to lead me to believe he was lying. I don't know how should I approach the next guy to be sure he wants a commited relationship that leads to marriage with me and not keep doubting that if he wants that as a possibility in general or with me. This is such a new topic at least for me and I would like a deeper heads up on this, please. Greetings from Peru.
It is stringing someone along if intentions are not made clear. So a wishy washy confusing person can seriously mess up a person who is genuinely seeking a solid commitment and knows what they want. So selfish.
Anon 33 Where do you see your own sobriety playing a role in this?
Jack Butler I make my intentions clear so as to avoid confusion.
That’s why you need to listen to your intuition. It will usually tell you that the relationship isn’t going to where you want it to go. So many woman stay despite all the red flags 🚩 hoping things will change instead of just breaking up.
MAJORITY (not all) Of Men Choose To BE Avoidant, TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT, Avoidance in Dealing With Their Issues ( we all have em) Becuz Their Allowing FEAR to Control Them Instead of Being Courageous WHICH FROM EXPERIENCE in Counseling & Coaching ISNT EVEN HARD AS IMAGINED. Such a Waste Of TIME & LIFE.
Wondering, Jack, what you think of this thought- it seems to me that men need that traditional pull of wanting to making a family to jump to the other side. Divorced men of my generation (late 60's) especially if their children, grandchildren live close by, seem content with companionship vs partnership. I'm actually trying to be okay with this so I don't cut off my nose to spite my face and just be in the sobriety that this isn't my first choice, but it's a place where I can learn & grow...and enjoy for what it is. Difficult when time ticking sounds so loud at times!!
I love your videos, especially this one, because you get into the nuances and you don't vilify people. Sometimes things don't work out because people are not on the same page. It's not that either person is a bad person. People are in different places in their lives and they don't always make a good match. I like that you point that out. Thank you again for your nuanced discussions.
I did bring up this conversation finally on my part. But have not heard anything back, left it at that, nobody wants to invest into something that won't pay off. To all confused men, please leave women alone that know what they want.
YES!! I'm learning this after spending 4 years in that avoidance place with a male friend of mine, he's very much like you mention (not mentioning it so as to not hurt me). Denial is a place free of pain but not of truth.
Yes, that's well said 🙏
I agree men and women go through this phase. As a woman in her late twenties, I have been emotionally available yet unwilling to commit for a long term relationship at an earlier point in my life, even though I take relationships seriously. At times like this, conversation is important to have with your partner about expectations & shared long term goals. Everyone has their own journey. Thank you for speaking on this topic @jackbutler for more clarity on this topic☘️
I appreciate the nuance in what you're sharing here. And you're welcome! :)
Also I have come across me who express very clearly that they want a committed relationship. Yet as I continue to investigate them I see they are not really emotionally available. Now that is an interesting situation. It is not my job to fix a man’s emotional availability with my awesomeness. So I just walk away from getting involved with that type of man too.
Come across men. Above.
Yeah I don't know that we are always accurate in discerning what we are available for. I still encourage people to have those conversations because it's more data points and you may be able to learn to spot a guy who says he is available and actually is.
I think Jack mentioned it in another video, or if it was someone else (?). But if a person says they want something, we have to ask supplementary questions, like "You want a committed relationship, how does that look for you?" :)
Multi date ALWAYSSSS
Good guy F-boy. Get with woman That you know don’t want a relationship upfront. Selfish af. You want all the benefits without the commitment. Many woman don’t want a relationship just fun ,, but you wouldn’t want to share her huh 🤔. That’s why you hook her emotionally. Bunch of BS. I don’t believe anything a guy says and sadly now even actions. I continue to multi date and don’t put all my eggs in one basket because of men like you-Users.
Facts @jojoangel1205. I’m done with “nice guys” that are fuck boys as well. Time to be a lot more savage
Thank god for women like you who multi-date. I cannot commit and tend to be selfish af and "multi-date" too. I don't hook emotionally, or maybe I do, IDK. But on the contrary, I have never objected on her will to share herself. I mean we are all gonna die, lets not put our eggs in one basket as I feel it too much to invest in one person.
I have just experienced this-
I was starting to feel deeply triggered- and even discussed this and started treatment straight away to deal with old wounds, as I couldn’t understand what was going on in reality.
One night I spoke about what wan his thoughts on the future etc…. Moving forward- it was indirectional but in passing conversation.
Two days later he phoned stating i deserved better, that he just wanted to take things slow etc, despite having gained girlfriend title in the early stages - the penny finally dropped!
It’s just a shame I didn’t trust my internal compass and due to having an awful experience in a previous relationship I internalised that and went to seek therapy thinking it was my insecurities. (And yeah I have some)
Anyway- it shows my level of awareness, ownership of self and commitment!
Thank you 🙏🏻
It’s all learning x
I hear you - the both/and thing can be really hard - so, maybe it's true that insecurities are getting triggered and maybe it's true that someone isn't actually available. Great learning, keep at it
When you described "having one foot out" of the connection I realised that's been me in the past...so I was an emotionally available unavailable girl! 🤪 On reflection it was largely due to lack of communication and compatibility, as well as my own learnings about myself that needed to happen 🤗🙏💝
Ha! Good share, yes I am sure this can apply in both directions!
Ok, got it, Jack, you're not an angel!!! :D Thanks for sharing. At least I know it wasn't me. The "I would never talk about xyz, if I didn't mean it" part is quite precise.
There is no one like Jack Butler; he is the real deal!! He has so much wisdom. Thank you for another great video.
So helpful, Jack. Your videos will definitely help me be more “sober” in the future. It seems one of my favorite pastimes is deluding myself. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful! I think deluding ourselves is all of our hobbies at times!
My boyfriend talked about HIS commitment, the future, trips, being all in and I was unsure of his authenticity. He assured me he'd show me over time how committed he was and then, he bailed at month four.
Way to much, too fast. My fault too.
Sorry, that sounds hard. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Some dynamics come thick and fast, and maybe slow isn’t really available
I always say the only therapist is one who has walked in others shoes. Someone who can relate to real situations. This message is so awesome because Jack is admitting his real life trials to help others. People like this are so humble and non judgemental. I love Jack. He's the best!
Mind blown!!! 🤯 King energy!
Yikes. The innate ability to drop into deep connection quickly with a fellow human is a gift and a curse. Makes for a great counselor / friend / hypnotist / spiritual guide. No wonder so many people fall in love with their therapeutic providers. I'll be processing this video for a few months as it relates to my own questionable behavior.
Glad it's providing food for reflection 🙏
Wow! Thanks again for such amazing information. You and your videos absolutely helped me move from finding unavailable men over and over and finally finding the man I now call my amazing husband. Sometimes the available men are our good friends. Not always quite as charismatic and flashy. But once uncovered end of being the absolute KING that you spoke of. Thanks again!
That's really great to hear. Thanks for sharing that. Enjoy that amazing husband!
LiveLoveLaugh ForGood73 my dream is to be as fortunate as you and have a true partner who is all in!! You give me hope 💜
jack you've done so much work and so self aware, most men are not like this. they dont even know who they are, let alone know women know where they stand....but thank god for women intuition. most women know when a guy is not very interested but our feelings can over-ride it and we chase. thats why so important to be self aware, use fem intuition and be high value
Jack, are you married? If yes, what was it about your wife that made you commit, over the other women that you broke their hearts and wasted their time? Maybe do a video on it. Throw us a bone here!
Yes! Good line of inquiry! I'll add it to my development list.
Not that this applies to Jack, but most of my male friends agree that, "Women settle down when they find the right man. Men find the right woman when they're ready to settle down."
@@Nicole-is-global This is absolutely true of my fiance when he proposed to me at 47 only after a few months of getting to know me deeply. And I agreed to marry him for the same reason. It really is not so much about the other person most of the time but where we are in our own timeline.
Nicole Lawrence Thanks for sharing that
He has to make sure he doesn’t reveal anything that might make his wife mad, first ..
FANTASY vs. REALITY, even in the best-connected relationships there will always be the factor of compatibility & synchronicity at any level of co-existence.Thanks!
Nτινα Δημοπουλου 🙏
Exactly. I thought he was stringing me along and playing me. Its later on giving me hints he can drop me at any moment, yet we are spending so much time together, texting every day etc... but when I can see things are slowing down and actively see hes distant he wasnt communicating clearly... and nothing I did seem to uplift him fully
I appreciate how you truly express the real non-bias truth about men. Your videos have helped me a lot to get a better understanding on how to handle my current relationship.
There are many relationship coaches on the Internet. But you are my go to when I need real answers. It is not easy to decipher (the best way to describe it) what men truly wants. As many times I have expressed myself...I don't care much anymore. I pour all my time and attention to myself and what's going to make me a productive better person.
Thank you, Jack!
Daisy Stapleton Thanks for your reflection Daisy. Did you ever watch my video from Dec 2019 on getting over heartbreak. It distinguishes non attachment from detachment. When you said I don’t care much anymore i thought this video may help. 🙏
@@thejackbutler I have not. Will do for sure. Thank you, Jack!
i dated a guy who always kept one foot out the door, he would shame me if i tried to have a talk about where we were, he liked to play relationship but “didn’t believe in labels” mister convenient, also he would disappear for days at a time saying it was his thing to stay emotionally healthy but if i would take a day to myself or not instantly answer a call or text he’d freak out then gas light me etc 🤦 never again also he would always dangle a carrot of a great future - just empty words and promises
Baneful Things yep, future faking to keep us hooked. Keeps the sex and companionship benefits coming their way. I hung in with a guy for 3 plus years and was fooled by the bread crumbing and future faking. I feel so ashamed about that but like jack says he wasn’t my guy. I learned a huge lesson and will quickly take a bow from someone who shows any glimmers of these selfish and using behaviors. I didn’t know then what I know now and for that I am grateful.
Thanks for being so open.
Great vid again.
Although it makes me kind of sad. You talked about men not realizing women's vulnerability... It really looks like men can go through life so easily without really committing and be happy. And we, the vulnerable women, who seem to have more need for real commitment are suffering.
I hope I'm just writing rubbish in my tiredness...
M mmm I think men have real vulnerability, it may just be harder for them to contact? and maybe they look to relationship a little less? However, often intimate relationship is the and only place for men to be vulnerable which is why men often do worse emotionally in divorce
@@thejackbutler I never doubted their vulnerability. In fact I know this all too well, no news to me and that you confirm my view makes it actually a depressing outlook.
But I'll be ok. Thanks for the answer!
Thank you Jack..this is what's going on w me and my lover in the first year of things.I understand men a bit more better and feel more comfortable about going a little slower w things now..❤️🙏
Thank you for this Jack. I'm in a FWB exclusive situation but more lovers and friends.. We both feel the connection between us. I'm more than happy without the tag and tbh I don't want the tag. If we spend time together we do, if we dont we don't. We both understand, we don't give each other a hard time. We are best friends and miss each other. For me this is perfect 😍 I love him as a friend, maybe more but would be more than happy if he found someone else to be happier with. His happiness and mine are key. Freedom is key. We live our lives, do what we want. Honestly the best non relationship I've ever had! Someone gets me!
Thanks for the share. Whatever works!
What a mess ,at least don't call them friend ,lover would be more appropriate,presenting one as best friend and f...k with them a part time basics gives so wrong values of the friends meaning ....,so sad about it ,wish I never have friends like you....at least when someone present me one as friend I know they don't sleep with them
This triggered so much of my anger. I'm deep into processing. The last few all created more anxiety for me. I think I know all this, but I think your delivery seems heavy. I'll stop there. That's where I'm at.
Thanks for your authentic share. I wish you well with your process - and happy if you need to take a break from this content for now.
Loved this !!!! Discerning the layers and differences on love or just companionship ❤️ . Yes I am “learning”
Lucy H Awesome! Thanks 🙏
Thank you Jack for your honesty. What you’ve shared has brought clarity to what I see is going on in this relationship I have been in.
Thanks Karen! Happy for increasing clarity 👍
First 3mins, great message Jack.
level of investment ✔
ongoing depth of communication ✔
Right on! 🙏
Hi . I think the best policy of every guy is to be honest with himself and the other person .....and be more upfront with your intentions ... the better .....in my opinion this video shows how low some men can be regarding commitment.... witch some women still want 😀...
I think I could handle emotionally available unavailable, that would be fine with me. To me, even with best intentions, people are free to change their minds, and if they haven't closed the deal in four years, then maybe you should both ask if that's what either of you really want.
Such great video. I’ve been on both sides. Could not have articulated this any better.
Fuk it! I'm exhausted from the video ! Keep the masculine energy (I guess that is what it is these days ) plz Lord have mercy.
Damn Jack... you're a player! HAHA. But seriously, thank you for this share. Your explanation of "emotionally available, unavailable men" has steered me well as of late.
Nicole Lawrence Glad that helped. Alas I don’t think I really was a player :)
Yes this is a player , I'm glad you have matured and realized the hurt and damage you caused .
Thanks for being real!
I think it's more frequent in younger years because you are not 100% aware of how much damage you cause other people, and that eventually you actually waste your time as well.
You were "emotionally available" because that's basically your nature, that's what suit your character.
And yes, I also take commitment seriously. But ideally, I would love to give it a try, give a chance to getting to know eachother for say 6-8 months minimum, perhaps a year. Until you're sure this is it, and also that you are sure who the other person is, and are we compatible (will this work). However, it never happened that way. Because I either fell in love in 2 weeks, or I never did. In the first case I was already "doomed" : if I had to find out this is not the guy, there would already be damage.
What you're describing
is SELFISH Entitlement;
it isn't integrity. 😕🤕☹️
Jessica Smith What’s the part you see as selfish?
Temet Nosce
@@thejackbutler of course it's selfish. If you had put her needs first, the inevitable hurt might have been avoided, at least to some extent. Do you realize how much emotional baggage men put on women because of this kind of this behaviour?? Thank you for sharing. Nothing new in what you said, I have already deciphered on my own this is how most confused men behave. But this was the worst video....
Women hurt men too
@@maragirl1658 But generally not to extent that men have fucked around with women's heads........
I had to listen to this twice! This describes perfectly my last relationship. I didn’t have the discernment then. Thank you for offering that to me now so moving forward I will notice this.
Kristin Davis Thanks for listening twice!
Maybe the guy you were seeing should have just been up front and truthful......A guy saying "I don't know what I want" is more helpful than just being an emotionally available/unavailable asshole.
Your videos are so helpful!! They are clear and straight to the point...as I continue to discern my 3 year relationship knowing what I know I want in a relationship yet trying to understand clearly if my guy is ever really going to commit as a true partner... I’m patient and understanding but I truly value myself and my relationships, so I need to make sure I don’t stay in something that may never progress to a deeper more meaningful and fulfilling partnership.... I just want to move foward with clarity...
Lisa Mullowney I hear you! 3 years is usually (more than) enough time for guys to know where they stand. Have you had a heart to heart?
Jack Butler do u offer one on one consultation?? I listen to your videos and really love how you explain things and your perspective on relationships. I have a hard time trying to get a clear understanding from where my guy is coming from as I knows he deeply cares about me yet will he ever truly own this relationship?? If not, I don’t want to waste my time. I have tried to talk with him but he lives “in the moment “ and says what we have is wonderful, but he makes no movement to integrate on a deeper level or actually identify as “In a relationship” - we “have a relationship” ....uggh, I have a relationship with everyone in My life!!! He talks in circles to me- atleast that’s what I hear...
Only halfway through but find this topic very interesting! It's so true that some people (male or female) live more in the realm of ideas & possibilities, rather than concrete facts/goals, etc... What's really helped me is figuring out my OWN tendencies and beliefs about relationships, instead of focusing so much on what my partner might be thinking - turns out I have a lot of "commitment issues" that I project onto others... needs some sorting out for sure!
Your honesty is appreciated
Thank you Jack, great vid ! Discernement is really important indeed.
Yes! It became one of my favorite words!
I love you for being so real about this.
So Jack good conversation, and video, with you really being able to explain how you were feeling and showing up in a relationship you weren’t 100% invested into OR also not committed to. So my question’s are:
Was it past experiences that made you like this?
OR was it just something about the other person that was a off fit for you?
And what changed your mind? As im assuming your in a committed relationship now?
I spent so much time with a guy who was emotionally available, unavailable guy who would frequently pull away (ghost) then come back romantically or for emotional/ physical intimacy. I would have episodes of grief every time he did this, until the situation ship became toxic for me. We could discuss anything but he wouldn’t discuss us without him getting dark. I had to stop being available to him permanently- once I realized I could never be at peace in this dynamic. I have healed and have changed a lot about how I approach life. But still scared to encounter this type of thing again.
I think it’s about trusting yourself. No need to fear the dynamic, you’ll notice it and be able to act decisively now
Thank you Jack, for bringing this subject up. It is very reassuring you have these ideas. I think it makes the world a bit better. Thank you for speaking your truth.
Hi Jack, thanks for this. Got me thinking. I have met a widower who I connect with really well but he does still have grief to work through. It is difficult for me to give him the space he needs and not let myself feel neglected. I like the 'loving companion' which may give us both what we need at the moment. X
Yeah, I hear you, it can be hard. Maybe you can use this time really to focus on self and other connections to fill your cup?
Rachel, I am on date 3 with a widower and I am ready to ask the question of where he's at. He started dating about 6 months after her accident and says he's strong and talked with female friends, the teenagers had therapy, one still goes and mother's day just passed.i am sure that was difficult. But it was the 2nd. Mother's day since. What questions did you ask?
Today I'm ready to start a little game, he is excited for of getting through the 36 questions ( that are said to make one fall in love) so I guess through this I'll see his level of connection. He's really able to deliver long and repeated hugs. I'm guessing that's a good sign. I hope that isn't a way of love bombing. Besides the questions, what else have you observed about him in your process? If you don't mind sharing.....
Unfortunately and fortunately this resonated with me. I am going to have to make that hard decision within a few days. I could make it today. But I won’t.
I hope that I have the strength to make it by Friday. I realize that the person I am with, although monogamous and participating in our relationship, always has 1 foot out. However in his own heart he really doesn’t want to admit this but his actions scream this. As such, I know that I too, now I have 1 foot out.
Chlarie Peace Admittedly, I have made the decision when I wrote to you(and the subscribers here) a wee bit ago . I think that I meant that I would put it off until Friday. But as you wisely point out, what’s the point of doing that? Just before I wrote back to you, I made an appointment with him for 3 PM to get the few things I still have left at his place. Please accept my sincere gratitude for your thoughtful, considered and wonderfully communicated response.
I appreciate the awareness you are bringing to this situation - and hope you find the strength to do what seems like right action 🙏
Jack Butler as you may remember, or as you may conclude, I know that I have the strength. Yet, it is in my experience that I have a difficult time swimming through the anxiety and second-guessing of my clearly correct decisions . So long as I continue to swim across the caldera of my own anxiety, I will reach a more peaceful place.
Chlarie Peace just an update:
I went over to his house yesterday to pick up just a few things. We were really polite to each other. He did his usual “flipping the script “when I said, “ I don’t have the skills to handle how I perceive his personality change when he drinks so much”. I said it in a quite calm, plain and unenergized voice. He still turned it around where I was the person that needed to apologize. I gathered up the few things that I had left at his house.. All of this I did quietly whilst walking out. He came from the other side of the house , met me at the car to give me a hug and invite me to come back later yesterday afternoon.
Most importantly, after I got in my car, before I even finished going down his driveway, I blocked his number so that I would no longer receive text messages or phone calls from him.
Granted, I almost told him it would probably be best for him if he got on a dating site but I did not want him to use that sentence to bait me into an argument
I should say. Thank you very much for all the inspiration to all of you who reply with compassion have sent my way. I know that I am only day one into swimming through my self created anxiety but I will swim to the other side and come out stronger.
This sounds much like my situation. It’s going to be very difficult to end the relationship, if I can even call it that. I have asked him several times if he wants to stop seeing me and texting daily, and he tells me no. I’m confused and anxious all the time.
Ok. Wow.
Thank You for speaking like this to us.
I appreciate having my mind opened like that.
Yes, I've experienced this alot with men...ecspecially recently. It sucks. But great advice...don't live in the fantasy, live in the reality of the situation! It can be very confusing...best to leave these guys alone!
Nikki Love Wishing you more of what you really want 🙏
Jack did you realise you were doing this at the time you were doing it ? Or was it years later that you realised you were that guy ?
I’ve had this done twice now, and I’m wondering if they realise at the time how destructive it can be
I don't think they realize it,eventhou in my opinion everybody has this inner conscious that they are not doing good,but I think they don't care for the other person,is all about I",this world nowadays is crazy ....
I have no clue, some men are really straight forward. Others lie to get what they want, some change their minds after awhile. But all experiences are wonderful so here I am back at the start and I'm good🌷🥂
Amanda Barbolla I agree. Some men/people are also secretive not deceptive - which means they don’t necessarily volunteer how they feel but they will answer a direct question
Brilliant advice again. Thanks Jack 😊
This is so brilliant. I am the one on the possibility side. I need to talk about those, I call it “run them all up the flag pole, or spaghetti on the wall”, to find out if it’s worth pursuing
Thank you! I hear you - it can sometimes be really good practise to shift into realism and see how the world looks from there, more of 'show me something substantive' before I take a look mentality
Such a good post! I've been on both ends of this scenario. Thank you for sharing this information. I've some clarity now on how to discern the 'type' and/or level of commitment within myself and others. 🙏❤️
And this is okay. Like cudos to those ppl who meet ppl and know automatically, this is the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean, woot. Thts a scary decision to make. You talkin the rest of your life or a long term commitment. I ain’t even there. Thts not a place I get to easily because my mind is always thinkin there might someone better to come along. My thing is I jst want the experience to be fun while it last. No games, no hurtin ppl’s feelings. Jst honesty with yourself and the other person. Because at the end of day, I want to leave the situation with my sanity. Thts all
Good points and clearity into guys. How do we know if a harmonious guy is available/knows what he wants or if he is just lying because he is being nice while saying he wants marriage, kids and committed relationship?
Hi Jack, loved the advice in this video. I'm talking to a guy that was my best friend when we were teenagers and now is overseas for college graduation. He not always answers my messages and I get to start most of the conversations. He says that he likes me very much and would like to date me when he comes back.. but I dont really feel that he is being true always. Its been very hard.
I hear you. You could downshift the connection and see if he actually does come back with a real view to dating?
Great idea, I'll try this. Thank you very much, Jack!
Why even invest so much and show up so much when you don't really want to be there?
I don't understand.
I probably would have felt it. I am very connected.
Wow! Full of great information! Thank you again Jack! :)
This is exactly what I am dealing with right now. Hits every point dead on. Now if I could just get closure of what happens next. and move on. I don;t know where I stand with this person and he there aren't relationship ready then don't keep me hanging on but if they are then communication is so vitale and key to know where both parties stand.. It kinda stinks being grown up the growing pains don't stop there just extended in different way..:(
Soaps Inspirations By H J L One way to think about it - over time, his lack of clarity is your answer. Unless he’s really showing up and investing over time, he’s not your guy
@@thejackbutler I was afraid of that answer, why do they even message us and decide not too. If they're not ready for that. He found me on site now I'm thinking I should stopped it awhile ago if I new this was going to happen. It stinks. Signs were there but I was just seeing if maybe something would.
Oh Jack, say it ain't so! You'd never break a heart! Just kidding. We all have probably injured someone at some point in our lives. Good point on realizing that we may not be thinking on the same lines as our partner when it comes to where we stand in the relationship. I'm pretty open about asking upfront so there aren't surprises when I start feeling like they should be stepping up a little more. I'm an intuitive so I tend to be able to tell mostly when the person is not feeling me the way I want them to. The problem I see is that the culture, even the older guys just want to "hook up" and I'm not a hook up kinda girl. I'm more of a " I am for you James T Kirk" kinda woman. Not sure if you are familiar with the original Star Trek series or not. Haha. Great video! Thanks
notthatVashti Alas Star Trek is a fairly gaping hole in my awareness! Even if there is truth in the older guy phenomenon, you only need one guy who wants an actual relationship?
Yep interesting. I'm a woman. Some men do play the love game. Fake love for sex. Say what you want to hear very early. I'm old fashioned so I use the lets date for 3 to 5 years with 'no sex' see how long he stays around & interested. If he loves you, has honest, real feelings, he'll be there for you 24/7 & fully agreed to your views & wants. If he's keen then mentions sex, that's all he wants. Will buy you lots of gifts too 'buying your affections' then ask for sex. Saying but I love you. Don't fall for it ladies. Move on. Plenty of fish in the sea. Respect yourself. He'll adore you for it. No sex before marriage. Never be sad if he leaves. Good riddance!! It's God protecting you from people who aren't allowed to be in your life. Never give up your fiends either ladies. Women need a social life & male friends around. If your man can't cope. Tough! 👆👍
I loved learning this perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Tara Elizabeth You’re welcome Tara!
A person can also take commitment seriously without having to piddle around because they trust themselves and present with integrity rather than orienting to others with mere lust and selfishness.
Wow, right on with what I am experiencing. Thank you.
Boom! Quality content! Free Gold folks!
Thank you! 🙏
So beautiful. Thank you for Sharing🌸🦋💮👍
Thank you! 🙏
I hear that word companion !!!used alot by men these days , I was confused by the meaning ,now I know "lover, companion without commitment " I feel that people can change their mind at anytime. Even if their commited. Relationships hmm
Companion aka dating but not serious aka fuckbuddy.
Great video! Thank you
Such an awesome video and fantastic advice. Thank you Jack!
thank you Jack for your amazing energy and wisdom
I think I could do that... I'm so used to men that are completely emotionally unavailable. I think I'm emotionally unavailable to an extent. I've been hurt a lot in the past and I'm afraid of commitment. I am honest with myself and men about that though.
Hey Jack. Long time. Thank you for the honesty in this video. Takes a lot of guts to be vunerable on these things. This was a very interesting subject but one question kept going through my head..... If a guy is in love with someone and he's showing up, is there still a chance that one foot is out the door. This has thrown me because I have always believed that if a guy is there with me in every aspect of the relationship, completely committed and in love then he is there for the very long haul and wants the same things. Am I presuming to much??
Annette Phillipsdelaney I think both men and women can have ways of having one foot out the door. So I wouldn’t presume. I would ask, get curious.
@@thejackbutler cheers, will do if I ever find him lol xx
Thanks so much Jack for this content! I might be recognizing the guy I just broke up with in this video. What are some questions I can ask, to be sure, that it’s an emotional available unavailable man and not an emotional available available man, who needs some more time to get to know me and maybe mature himself?
This is very much like the situation I’m in currently. I don’t know what to do; I don’t want to give him up yet. He’s 72 and I’m 70. He’s been divorced 20 years and is confused about what he wants and is looking for in a relationship. We’ve been dating for 8 months.
Dear one, He is telling you that he is not your guy. Gracefully take a bow with your dignity and self love intact. There is someone who will be all in. Make yourself available for him.
Hopefully, you dumped him. Any person who says they don't know what they want is telling you they don't want you.
Great video, something so simple yet so complicated. I just hope people would communicate more and longer to each other before making decisions, getting sexual and looking for commitments. From personal experience I could ad that When I thought I was ready I was the one who was not. Admitting it was harsh.
Yes to more and better communication, I think it's a quiet revolution that is happening but maybe slower than we would like.
Tapping into this message again Thanks😁
Thank you! This is so accurate.
I want that conversation, too....but knowing Our God is planning about it, we dont really know. Ty.😊
Hope you find right/divine timing 🙏
Stepping into "King Energy" Gee, what'd that like?
Soooo helpful to hear this! Thank you! 🙏
Thank you! You're welcome 🙏
This is excellent!
Thank you! Great channel name :)
Most men are afraid to feel all their feelings but if we give time and space and air and opportunity maybe someday.... Practice emotional intelligence
Thank you for your honesty Jack this video really helped me. I’m waiting until I’m married to have sex so I don’t have to worry about man only using me for that since when I tell him I’m waiting most guys leave 😂😂😂 which of course makes me happy since I know they are not Mr Right. I know how I need to date more man and not put my eggs all in one basket. Thank you!
Do they ever come back when they are at a better place emotionally?
I had exactly the same kind of situation. We had been seeing each other from time to time, keeping in touch daily. The guy was consistent and had many great qualities.
When it came to being intimate, that's when we had the "honest talk" as it was important for me to be on the same page (especially because I had been hurt in the past due to avoiding difficult conversations). He said he is very slow to get attached, so we decided to wait to be on the same page emotionally.
But a week later he confessed he did not feel like he was over his past long-term relationship yet (which had ended a year ago). He told me he likes me and I told him I like him too. We did not figure out how to proceed and had to leave it at a "let's see". Now it's been a week and he never reached out to me again. I keep thinking maybe I wanted too much too soon, but part of me says there was nothing else I could have done about it.
I am kind of sad that this is how it went. Is this really it?
kurkuleens wow that sucks. You are not alone. He said he is not ready so that means it is out id your control. You have a choice. Hold a torch waiting for him to come back, focus on yourself and heal, and get yourself back out there again.
This is GROSS and I want no parts of any of this.
What's your strategy for that?
What do you think is "gross"? I ask this without judgement. Maybe I misunderstood, but the man I left was monogamous, not looking for anyone else, easy to be with so long as he was not questioned or his actions called into question, affectionate and would talk through life's ups & downs so long as it could not be misconstrued that his actions caused any distress. I had to end it not because he/it was gross but because his actions consistently reminded me that a relatively equal and collaborative partnership was not his goal. He was emotional, available but differed in what he wanted the long term to look like. I would not call him or his actions gross though. Would you please clarify?
hi Jack, so true what you say, I have been there for too long
Glad it was vibing with you 🙏
A man takes action and does not talk. Most of the time when a man talks he sees it as a possible option not something he will do
Jack, my boyfriend of close to 2 months recently admitted that he has doubts, not a definite yes and not a definite no. Exactly what you were saying. He didn't want to break up, when I asked him if he meant that. Is that a good sign that he was able to open up and be vulnerable and honest to me? I didn't over react, although it hurt to hear. He said he wanted to be fair to me and said he respects me. He is very family oriented.
J S I think that kind of honesty is generally a good thing. Over time, I would include asking him if he’s wanting to settle down, and if there’s anyone else in his heart?
dump him and do it quick. he told you how he feels thank god he told you after two months and not 2 years and wasted your time.
What I'm afraid of is that I've been so used to crumbs, I'll end up falling for just bigger sized crumbs, as he could be filling spaces and adding value in area's ive never had met before in a relationship.
I dont mean to make this hard... but im really struggling to know what is true investment although he may be "investing".
Jassmen Robinson I think over a long enough time a true investment is easier to discern - not that many guys will keep investing consistently over 9+ months of 2-3 times of real time a week
@@thejackbutler thank you Jack
Let us know when Karma bites your butt.
Thank you for sharing, tho. Very helpful.
Watching these dating videos made me realize what a fantastic person I am, because I would never do it to someone else. These videos are excellent for me self-esteem. I am truly a person of integrity. I have so much respect for myself; I am truly a gem.
Thanks again..... your words mean gold to all of us but how do I deal with a guy that is different to all the guys u ever known ..... I think every human brain emotions feelings are different but similar to an extent...... why why whyyyyy its so complicated?! Why can a human just be honest to each other in terms of love or emotions?! Wtfudge.... I may be little too old for this game.... may as well just become a NUN! God always will be there for me!
I think there's a lot in this. Sometimes are feelings aren't stable - or we have a real connection with someone but we don't see them as our LT person. Sometimes we have a good romantic/sexual connection, but we don't connect on all levels. Culturally, we also aren't always rewarded just for being direct with one another.
What do you recommend I do when the guy I've been seeing has been answering "I don't know" in response to my asking what he wants with me, how he feels, if he wants to continue being boyfriend/girlfriend? We've been seeing each other for 4 months, but he's gone from calling me his girlfriend and treating me as such to only two texts a day (good morning/good night), not asking to spend time with me, but agreeing to spend time if I ask. He hasn't pulled the plug, but wants to think about it. The thinking about it has been a week and there's been no further conversation on the subject, just minimal contact, but not ghosting.
Move on, if guy is interested he would be on a top of it. Please forgive me if I am too critical. Hopefully in a future take longer to get to know person before getting in expectation of immediate commitment. If guy says he doesn't know, believe him he is actually doesn't know. He just want sex cuddles etc. without getting into seriousness. It is quite normal behaviour for man and woman. I dated guys longer and I was not sure if I wanted to be with them… it drown them crazy but I needed time to decide if this is what I truly want. You know what really helped is to slow down and get to now the person first.
don't be afraid to move on. also listen... listen with ears not your heart. if he's not asking to spend time with you... run.
Thanks, you guys. Very difficult to accept this reality. Lots of grief, lots of tears. But I need to have the dreaded conversation. This is like a slow, painful death.
so helpful!! thank you
You're welcome!
So from your point of view, were you still looking for the one, and there was something missing that you wernt really sure what it was? Also is it that a man is career orientated and planning and providing for the future. And the relationships where you didnt commit to came at the wrong time in your life? (This is a question for me) my last relationship was lovely, for both of us, but he got scared as things moved closer to commitment, we are both in our 50’s. Plus some family pressures (ill parents) But he got scared and ran, we have kept in contact. And now hes showing interest in maybe getting back together, i want to but so scared of getting hurt again, and feel a reverse of roles, and that im in the position, he was in the first time round. So my question is do i “ask him what he wants from me and the relationship at this time? And what he see’s for us in the future? I think that sounds quite harsh and will be putting him on the spot. But if he’s done the internal work to heal his past relationship issues? Then i feel he should feel stronger to answer and question and not be intimidated by it. Appreciate your thought’s
Well sh*t. I'm totally "that guy"...
Thank you , that's explained a lot how we experienced the uncertainty of any relationship and a great clear explanation ❤️
Marisam Lovendino Good to hear 🙏
Wow! So my question is how do I tell him that I want the commitment and I’m not settling for less without it sounding like an ultimatum or like I’m a door mat? I want to tell him I love him and if he ever changes his mind and is ready to make the commitment to me he can reach out to me and we’ll see where I am at that point. We’ve been together a year. And twice I let him go, gave him his space and he came back both times. (My friends jokingly call him the boomerang man). But we have come to a cross roads. I have never known a man quite like him so I’m in uncharted waters! I’m 49 and he is 54. Both divorced for more than 10 years and have had 1 or 2 serious relationships before ever meeting.
Back to my original question: how do I convey this to him without it sounding like an ultimatum or that I’m a doormat. I know if I’m not willing to walk away we could keep going on like this for years.
Ask him question, lots of hem, get him thinking… the real answer would come out naturally. Questions like: How do you see your life years from now, where do you want to be in your carer, what would make you happy, what are you searching for in life…. Maybe after listening to him you would be the one who is not ready ;-)
Thank you, I already know the answers to those questions. I just need to know now how to say what I stated in my post.
Rachel T I think it’s about owning your desire - you can do that lovingly and clearly. If I invite someone to my home and say hey could you take your shoes off, am I making an ultimatum?
I also have the same questions. As I have been stuck in a situationship with an amazing man for way too long. I’ve been patient thinking he’s just not ready. I want something real and genuine, but don’t know how to state this without it sounding like an ultimatum. It’s so confusing.