Letting go of a family that has no love was a mentally healthy move for me. It is time for me to surround myself with mentally healthy people. I get to choose who my family is.
That speaks volumes to me. much love real healing and Tamara, i love ur efforts to help us overcome this calamity called family. As dysfunctional as they are, we still get shame and guilt while on this process. It hurts but its better than nothing. Because what we have is nothing.
I walked away from my family they were just getting too toxic for me best thing I ever did come to find out I have a whole new family and they don't have to be flesh and blood
@@greendragon4058 What a lovely comment it really hits home green dragon. You have to come to a realisation that your family if you are the SG too much pain and toxicity. making new friends and friends around you are your new founded family and a stranger would treat you better. I tried to reconnect after my dad died and my brother contacted me and tried to break my back further. SO Regretted even going near them again Brother is a sociopath
A friend telling me “Would you rather be part of a family that loves you unconditionally? Or loves you only when it benefits them?” was the most enlightening thing I ever heard
@@craigsamuels07 I wish i had of kept to doing that staying away from my Npd family, as i stayed away and only visited now and then and seen the dysfunction and toxicity. Then my father died and i got vacuumed back into the web of hatred enviesm blaming and hassle. Got burned real bad by my narc brother wasnt happy i was doing well
You can have family and no love. It's better to be alone and work through it with counseling. I had to completely cut out all the unhealthy toxic relationships out of my life for good.
I have become estranged from my family. Contact is to a minimum, and when we do speak it's very surface. It always feels like the elephant in the room, issues that nobody ever speaks about but are clearly there. I'm the "rebel" and I'm perfectly ok with that!
I understand this perspective. When things get this way, something has to change and sometimes that's walking away completely. If walking away for your sanity is being "a rebel," then so be it!
I think my family left me when they decided to treat me with disrespect, keep me in some artificial role they created (for their own sake) decades ago. So yeah, if its their way or the highway, the highway looks like the better option!
Thank you for this! From now on I’m gonna tell anyone who asks that my entire family died in a car crash :) that way I don’t have to say “they’re toxic and after my parents died my siblings became even more toxic than they were before, so I had to disengage for my own mental health.” Because I’m tired of people looking at me sideways and assuming I must be the problem, silently judging me.
Yeah, I've been tempted to do something similar. I hate lying about stuff, but at the same time you don't want to over share. Even nice, empathatic people won't understand... they will find it hard to understand that some people want to destroy and dominate their family.
Leaving and going back to a toxic family or certain toxic family members is like any other toxic and abuse relationship, every time you leave and go back it will get worse every time. These people will never change. Save yourself, put God first and have faith. God is your source and provider and He will restore everything you think you lost. Losing yourself is much worse than leaving individuals that you did not choose anyway. We did not choose these people but we much choose ourselves. 🙏🏾❤️☮️ Great video and discussion.
I am 60 years old and just got the strength to walk a way. I got sick and tired of trying to show then that I am a great person. My sister(haven't spoken to in years), brothers(older brother and his surface conversation) and my mother have been giving me the silent treatment, and non-supportive. It is the most empowering thing that I have ever done. I have been trying to do this for years. I finally got the strength to do so. I would rather do it by myself and toot my own horn when I have success, because they never did. It is a journey to recovery, because I am going through it, but worth it to release this trauma I have stored in my body.
I appreciate this validating video. I love my family but am estranged, sadly, from all of them. My entire family has been broken and we have all been scattered, emotionally speaking. , for years, was the pursuer of my family members. I use to always send cards for everyone on every occasion, and always call and visit(I’ve lived in another state for 30 years). After a very long time, I noticed it was always a one-way-street. This crushed my spirit so I just stopped communicating in any way. I realized they just weren’t interested in a true relationship with me. I let go of pursuing them. I retain love in my heart for them but knew I deserved better treatment. Thanks for all you do.
Thank you! And you're welcome. Validation is sometimes the most important part of healing for some people. I can relate personally and professionally to the one-way-street communication. You did right to stop. When doing "normal" things for your family begins to feel taxing or like "work", that's a sign to move on.
I walked away from my entire family along with extended family simply because they will never understand why I chose to to so and quite frankly I didn't care seeing that what others think of me....does not define who I am. The problem is that most people DO CARE of what others think of them which is why they stay tethered to the these toxic people. If someone has your best interest at heart...they will lift you up and support any decision you make in your personal life because it's nobody's buisness..... Learn from toxic family ...how not to be instead of repeating these relationships based upon adjendas.... You are NOT here on this planet to be responsible for others happiness.....you are here to be in service to one another from a place of love...acceptance...homoring....respect and compassion for all souls that cross your path ❤
OMG thank you for bringing up toxic forgiveness because it’s so prevalent in our culture right now. Too often people think that forgiveness means we are opening the door for them to come back in and abuse us again. And one shouldn’t be pushed to forgive when one isn’t ready. Maybe some of us need to wait until we move through that anger.
@@juanitawatson596 I used to think that expression was tantamount to holding a grudge. But I realise it means releasing the hurt but from a safe distance.
I just had to learn how to walk away from my narcissistic mother. It's a hard pill to swallow but I have to do it for my mental health and so I can be the opposite of what she was to me, for my children.
I just was able to walk away from my family at 40 years old. I have been wanting to separate from them since age 15 trying to get emancipated. I always feel better and at peace when I am not in communication with my relatives.
I left my covert narcissist and adult children flying monkeys. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have 2 rare diseases and was dying around them. It was best for my health. I’m sending love and light for ALL of us! ❤️❤️❤️
I hope your health has improved since you have gotten away from them. Just speaking from my own experience, when my siblings all started coming around during my parents passings, I started having a lot of health problems. I even had to have a hysterectomy, going under anesthesia, a couple of months ago because I was having symptoms of uterine cancer. Once the results came back clear of cancer that’s when I really decided that the best thing for me to do was to completely separate myself from my extremely toxic siblings who were causing me constant stress, crying every day, sleepless nights, and anxiety. I realized that my health was beginning to be very negatively affected by just having extremely toxic people all around me. It’s amazing how much healthier I feel now that they’re no longer in my life. I’m not saying that they’re responsible for all of my potential health issues, but the stress of being constantly bombarded by toxic people can 100% exacerbate health issues. I hope you’re doing well or at least much better.
I understand. I have rare disabling chronic illnesses also. It’s been years of relentless traumatizing pain and loneliness. Now CPTSD and I’m literally dying from all of the emotional trauma. 😢💔☮️
For me, I believe that family serves a purpose. They are there to teach us as kids how to deal with or folks in the real world. Some we cling to, some we are guarded in our interactions, there are those we try to compromise with, and there are others that we have to walk away from. Some we observe boundaries and teach how we want to be treated, but we all have those that we run away from. Even if it means moving far away like another country
My wife and I are going through the process of walking away from my wife's mother and her siblings. Listening to you tackle this issue and reading the comments helped and gave me a better insight on how to deal with our situation. THANK YOU!
I think we should take forgiveness right out of the equation. It's not actually necessary and doesn't fit estrangement at all because three things are usually needed for forgiveness. 1)The person that wronged you acknowledges what they did. 2)The person that wronged you demonstrates they want to change so they wont hurt you again. 3) You forgive so you can continue the relationship. So for those of us estranged potentially none of the ingredients above are present, so it's like saying you need to make a cake without the ingredients. It just doesn't work. Also why should our forgiveness be so cheap that we would give it for no reason and without any of the ingredients above? 'The whole reason people say to forgive is to feel better ourselves but forgiveness isnt the right vehicle and the constant pressure to 'forgive 'can further shame and negate peoples experiences. I have no malice or anger towards my family because I have done loads of research and understand my family system. I have radically accepted what has happened and am moving on with my life. It never needed forgiveness....it just needed knowledge and acceptance.
I’ve been estranged from my parents since 1987. I’m 56yo now and had an entire 34 year military career. They missed that and they missed out on my wife and two children.
I'm sorry. It can feel like such a loss when families go down this road. But there is acceptance and healing in knowing that their absence doesn't mean your life has to stop.
@@TherapistTamaraHill absolutely! My life had to go on with or without them. I’ve experienced all the ups and downs life has to offer. I built a new family with my wife, daughters and son in laws, and even grand children. Along the way, my parents have been invited to participate, and they chose to remain silent. It was their loss for sure.
This is my life. I talk on the phone to the one brother with whom I feel safe in what I share. I have quietly distanced myself from those who don't offer healthy relating. It took time to let go of guilt. I do send gifts to nieces, nephews who I wish to have more communication- but, it's tricky as it feels all enmeshed and tied. I am reparenting myself, creating healthy bounderies and seeking Joy, new healthy connections sometimes, nature and sled-love.
I just disconnected from my mom and brother. It has been 9 days now. I needed peace of mind and this recent experience with them I got physically sick. I have been feeding my mind with these videos. Thankyou ❤
Just remember to stay true to yourself- someone has to. Stay true to your path of self love and respect- someone has to. Just because you’re related by dna and/ or grew up with them does not mean they are ‘family’. Loyalty’ to family becomes moot when abuse is a condition of that ‘loyalty’. It’s not easy but the alternative - losing your sense of worth, your sense of purpose, your senses all round- if far more difficult far more painful. I went no contact to 3 abusers I grew up with. They were ok, even good at times the last 35 years because I’ve always lived far away since I was 21(go figure!). Then as soon as Mum was ‘out of the house’ for good, ie died, just like growing up when Mum was out of the house they would start the verbal then physical violence. No physical violence this time probably because they know I would get police involved- but the verbal abuse and other acts this time around were far more cruel, vicious and perverse than what I remember. It has only stopped again because I’ve gone no contact. The most vicious one my sister, started on my own family- her nephew and 3 nieces. Yeah that alone has sickened me to my core. She is dead to me now. So going no contact is a no brainer. As time passes you will feel better for going no contact. I wish you all the best on your new safer journey 🙏.
If you come from a dysfunctional family Scapegoat Golden Child , lost child syndrome caused by the Narc parent and gave everyone a role. Dont think when the Narc parent passes that everyone will be out to help each other and all have their own sense of self...support each other moving forward like normal siblings To the GC the loyalty to the Narc parent is ingrained....that always dislike the chosen Scape goat I have learned a dear dear lesson thinking my GC brother and highly NPD personality would change and be glad to re kindle a loving the relationship to move forward with his younger brother. He tried to break my back....but let on to ask me for a simple hug..i trusted him...he has now left me with lumbar damaged nerves/nerve pain and damage. I have dis owned him now completely ....should of followed my gut instinct and stayed away as i hadnt seen him in 2 years prior. The kicker was he knew i suffered years with a spinal fracture and spent 10 years to get back on my feet/ expensive rehab and career change. was doing great career /health and well being. He has now put me back 10 years of spinal rehab. absolute sociopath Look out for yourself very dangerous ..lepoards dont change their spots...FACT
I feel that after My wife and I had kids my family simply gave up on us. We don’t receive news, have to to pull every info from them, no casual/natural quality communication at all. No visits on their side, just us. Everytime. When we visit they leave the room, leave to watch TV, or sit in their room whole day and just don’t connect. And my kids want to see them, want to se granny, grandpa, and uncle, and ask us to go…. Makes my stomach turn.
Many of these family behaviors have happened to my family. I've moved forward without mention of a toxic family dynamic for self-preservation and peace. I have two families; 1. blood-related, and 2. "Water", my water family is loving, caring, and nontoxic, and we flow with life together. "Bloof family is not what it's cracked up to be." Live a peace-filled life with people that flow with you!
I grew up loving the time spent with my father's extended family and thought it was fun to see the different colorful personalities. I was also a child. Now that I'm an adult, I realize that I have a strong distaste for the behaviors I've experienced from my family. Alcoholism, male promiscuity, immaturity, deep jealousy...I have grown disgusted by the toxicity. The only thing we have in common is blood. This is the first family reunion that I'm not attending. Part of me misses the old days, but I feel compelled to slowly close the door to spare myself the disappointment. Everyone feels too comfortable disrespecting me. I have to protect myself and cutting ties is the only way I know. It's sad but necessary.
That's a very good point. This is an example of growth. When you grow and learn better, you do better and you begin to see the immaturity around you. Doesn't mean they are un-redeemable. It just means they haven't matured to where you are and now you have to walk away.
TEXT IS BETTER. i only have one sibling who always praises mom, so i blocked him we had an argument. Now i dont speak to anyone in my family. THEYRE SUCH A HEADACHE
In my case they only invite us when they are having their events their birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. The reason I choose to walk away was years of them complaining that I don't go to their events when I had valid reasons and I was miss understood and pressured to just be there but at the same time they never cared to be receprical towards us and my nuclear family. I wasn't even asked if that day will work or if I had something going on and being respected, it felt that I was the third wheel and I just had to go along and if I didn't they were disappointed but they never tried to be receprical. Also there was a lot of triangulation about me behind the scenes and other family members blaming etc. When I noticed I brought it up to their awareness hoping they will change and we can work things out and understand. But sadly no matter how many years I tried, it was always me and I don't know what I am talking about, I am oversensetive, crazy, it didn't happen and they just acted like I was making it up which I wasn't. Their behavior and treatment was not nice to me or my kids. Each time I tried it got worse so after years of the same denial and no one understanding, I choose to estranged myself which of course I got blamed again. I had nothing to loose they always treat me awful could never please them even when I thought I was trying they always found something I did and I was back at the same position. Now I don't want to reconnect out of fear of same situation happening again because I don't see them trying and their actions are still the same. Of course they have their middle people trying to convince me to forgive and forget but it is not about forgiveness is about trust and they deny everything so how can you start healthy again when they still invalidating you and pretty much all they care for me to go back and be at their events. Maybe is me but I don't trust them so I am staying away. I am still struggling with trauma especially when flying monkeys come around and mention them again but I don't see the people that cause this coming on their own and have an honest communication. Is taught and sad never in my life wanted this but I am at dead end, I don't know how to fix it especially when everyone is gaslighting you and invalidates you and same patterns happen and there is always a flying monkey. People don't understand no one wants to estrange if things are well and there is mutual respect and reciprocity and understanding. To me who ever pushes you to go back they don't care about you all they care is about their selves and just because they were treated better they think they have the right to tell you to go back.
I relate to this on so many levels. I hate going to family functions because I know that most of the people there are not genuine towards me. I'm very sensitive and I can feel their energy. Why would I want to go somewhere where I am constantly being me to feel like I've done something wrong, or that I'm inferior.? So I stopped going to the family events and everyone has a chip on their shoulders because of it. When all they do is gossip about other people, point out your flaws, ask you personal questions that's none of their business, make you feel bad with indirect jabs... why even go??
Make sure before you walk away from family that you know for sure they are Toxic/disfunctional/narcissist, not willing to change. You don't want to be a sitting duck to be mistreated by a opportunists. That can further your mental health downward spiral.
In my fifties now. I have been waiting for many many decades for my siblings to finally get therapy so we can have a healthy relationship! I am having to accept that this day may never come. 😢
Wow! I came across your channel about toxic family and I’m definitely a witness to that. I have 2 sisters, 1 brother, and an adoptive younger sister. I get along with all my siblings, but the 3 older siblings don’t get along with each other. I have a different father from my 3 siblings. I been working with mom for 3 years. I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed cause my older sister is power attorney for my mom, and she makes sure that no one give my mom any stress. Me and my brother just started talking again. My other sister stopped talking to me because I work under my mom and my sister. Once I stop working with my mom, I’m going to distance myself from them, but continue to communicate with my mom. I just want some peace in my life with my son and fiancé. New subscriber!🔥🙏🏾💯
That's very stressful. I'm sorry you have experienced this. I too had an experience like this when my grandmother passed 3yrs ago and I served her on her estate. It was pure chaos with my extended family. It appears when power of attorney's, executors, etc. are involved the real bones of the family structure and relationship is finally clearly known. You are likely to experience stress in this dynamic. It's not impossible, however, to overcome. Welcome to the channel! Join me live Jan 5th after 6pm as I discuss the unstable family dynamic further. I love these lives because I get to communicate with all of you.
I have always felt that if texting is the only form of communication it is a way to keep distance, to avoid meaningful connection. It is like Facebook: calling people friends who you have not seen in many years or who you barely know . Real communication has to start in the family early. It is not easy if you only know people who react negatively if you try to talk about anything of significance. I tried to talk with some friends about concerns I had about what was going on in the world and was told to lighten up because we were just getting together to have fun. That has been my entire life experience. My dad told me early on I was too serious and needed to be like my brother: easy-going. I always felt something is wrong with me.
This video was waiting here for me when I needed it. Your topic timing is impeccable! Im in the ‘left-waited years-thought they’d mature out of it-tentatively went back-they hadn’t changed-got burned-back to cut off mode’ camp. Thanks for offering the idea that these situations and complex feelings about them are a somewhat ‘normal’ process across the board. It’s harder to do again after having re-established contact, but I had made the premise clear that it was contingent and conditional - that I wasn’t going to stick around if the same old toxic funk bubbled up and threatened my boundaries, independence, and dignity in any way. It’s like tapping the edge of a spider web - no matter who you contact or how benign their intentions seem at first, evil is awakened from the center of the family web. You have to run before they spin you in the sticky and feed on their supply from you - be it scapegoating, superiority, slander, dominance, control. They never got over that family dynamic to heal themselves, like i had been attempting to do for myself in my time away. Wanted to try to connect once more if there was a chance at all for redemption before it was too late. Now I have to grieve not because I waited too late, but because the chance never really existed. I’m encouraged by your idea of reinventing one’s life and breaking out of the family role I was stuck in. That brings some light and hope as reward for the pain of shutting down contact again, no matter how much I doubt myself or feel my heartstrings pull. The idea of love & safety from that source is a mirage. Taking care of myself is a better bet, albeit a harder lot. Thank you for your self-sacrificial passion to be there for those who need the understanding, validation, and ‘sense-making’ out of a difficult social-familial quagmire. Do make sure to take care of you! Sleep is health, and you deserve to live at your best. We’ll just wait while you recharge; we’re not going anywhere. We know where to tune in for healthful truth!
I'm so glad this was helpful to you. And I agree with your assessment of this topic and your own situation. It's hard but, as you point out, "taking care of myself is a better bet...." Agree. And thank you for this kind mothering! "Thank you for your self-sacrificial passion to be there for those who need the understanding, validation, and ‘sense-making’ out of a difficult social-familial quagmire. Do make sure to take care of you! Sleep is health, and you deserve to live at your best. We’ll just wait while you recharge; we’re not going anywhere. We know where to tune in for healthful truth!" 🤗 My mother just told me the same thing!🙈
I’m walking away from my mother and brothers. They are toxic to me. It’s always my mom against her daughters but loves her sons that DONT do anything for her. Except one of my brothers can burn her house down and their she is giving him birthday and Christmas cards but treats me crappy. So walking away
I just found your videos and I have stayed away from my relatives and family which includes my mother and brothers because they emotionally and mentally drain me out. I feel shame and guilt and wonder if God is punishing me because of my decision. My family expects financial support and I refused to do it when I got married and eventually lost my job after I got sick with a terminal illness. My only close brother decided that I should donate my property to him to help him support my elder sick mother knowing my health condition and the fact I also have young children. I wanted to live my remaining life in peace but family always calls when they have problems. I got so scared when the phone would ring . That was how traumatized I am with what they are doing to me. I have so much pain and anger and hate and sadness that I stop talking to them and stop responding to their text messages. How can I relieve this guilt and shame that I felt from leaving my toxic family and forgiving myself from years of emotional and mental abuse and manipulation?
You are doing some very good work on your channel. Congratulations! Just wanted to weigh in and let you know that I’ve been no contact with all blood family members for eight years. After that long time passing, there is no going back. I don’t miss them anymore. I don’t have good memories with them. All my memories with them or bad memories. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend last week with my wife and my dog and I’m making new memories every day. I have a very busy life. I have many important things to accomplish, and I have many goals that I would like to achieve. Reconciling with my estranged blood relatives is not on my to do list nor my goal list, nor will it ever be.
Today I have taken the decision to remove my 2; completely dysfunctional toxic sisters from my life..l can't take it anymore. It is impossible to set boundaries or even tell them that I don't want them in my life. My life has been incredibly difficult due to the fact I have a severe bone muscle disease. I have other problems which I won't mention too. They're both similar, but also very different. I just can't do one more day with the systematic abuse. Soon I will be moving to a new home, and I won't tell them where I am. This is going to be about me finally caring for myself
Right there with you. I'm only 2 months out from moving out of the house with my toxic narcissist sister and into my own apartment. Shes so angry with me for leaving she only texts me to start an argument about something. Even with your health conditions, you will feel so much better without them in your life!
Once our siblings and parents die off and terminate the dysfunctional family, then there are the nieces and nephews who have their children. Guess what? The dysfunction continues. Good Luck trying to share what you've learned. 🤣 They all will think you are CRAZY. 😒 Learn to be strong - it's very disheartening to realize that you will be of no help to them. This is life's REALITY, and it hurts.
Family Estrangement underpins my connection with my relatives. Years ago, I removed myself from my UNHEALTHY relatives. I received professional help. Fifteen years later, I returned, hoping most of them sought therapy too. Sadly it’s the same messes, just different toilets. I CUT TIES COMPLETELY! I must say, I saw a pattern. The TROUBLED relatives admitted while they were physically sick, their medical doctors suggested mental therapy to them. They went to professionals who told them they needed medications and CBT, but they declined. They said they were okay.🤷🏽♀️😢 One of my mantras: My relatives, I do not deal with; my family is who I hand-pick, PERIOD!
I have walked away from my dad, his wife, and kids. They have kept trying to contact me over the years. Most recently my step mom messaged me saying that I was a horrible person for not talking to my dad. Trying to make me feel guilty for severing the relationship. My dad has even gotten his sister and brother to contact me. I have to stay strong in protecting myself and I will not go back. I made that mistake a few different times tp try and have a relationship. They only want to keep me around so they can continue to put me down and because they are scared of what I know. They walk around pretending to be good people but have been so destructive to other people. They have done so many things to harm other people for their own satisfaction. I do not want to be around their toxicity.
Thank you so much for this video and all that you do, Tamara. These sorts of conversations need to be normalised. I feel so grateful hearing you say it's ok to walk away from family for my own peace of mind ❤
Thank you for addressing this important topic with us. It does come up in life with growing, seeing differences out there, self actualization, etc., that it’s best to be estranged.
With much hesitation and thought, I've had to let go of siblings, some, niece's, nephews and my eldest daughter. I love them, but too toxic can't continue to allow that into my life.
I hate phone calls. I actually am estranged from most people because I don't tell many how I actually feel or what I need or want. My family I can't really talk to them about anything because I am very passionate about activism with women's rights and racism and classism and I am atheist and queer and they are hyper religious and anti most things human rights. I have never felt safe or comfortable ever showing them my true real thoughts and who I truly am.
If you have migrated over from the previous LIVE chat that had technical difficulties, WELCOME! The LIVE chatbox will be available to you within 12-24hrs! That's where the REAL education comes from.😉
Blood isn't thicker than water ,especially if it's a dysfunctional family sadly it can set a trend of attracting narcissists in your relationships and eventually having to walk away from family's and children ..Some are estranged for decades even for ever
i’ve been disowned disinherited and new people in said family don’t even know my existence like i was erased on paper. its really hard to stand up for yourself your needs and wants when you are met with being denied demeaned and intentionally ignored by your original family unit. radical acceptance is also hard but not as dangerous as staying in the family system that doesn’t respect or acknowledge you. they even proudly took my last name they have much contempt for before completely erasing me.
The patterns of estrangement are complex in my family, its hard sometimes to see who estranged who. But a common thread going back to at least my grandparents generation is people dropping off the face of the Earth, everyone thinks they're dead, then they pop up. Lots of people getting offended, not talking about why and just not talking. A lot of people feeling arrogant and superior, with lots of attempts at dominating others. Funny enough, even though we all have problems, some family members have chosen one member to scapegoat as "sick" when that person isn't the only one- convienient, huh?
A few years ago I got divorced, had skin cancer, was bullied and ultimately set up and fired by a particulary vile manager, I had to sell my home as a result of all this at 50 yrs old. I was assaulted by a co worker and then fired again for a mistake someone else made. Im the scapegoat in my family and not one person offered help or was even supportive. As soon as you realize that you really are truly alone in the midst of a family leaving them is easy.
For me, no one reached out, or hardly ever. It goes both ways. When you are doing far better after cutting contact with most family members, you're better off living anywhere else. That's not support and it isn't really family.
Same thing went back because I'm a Christian woman and I thought that's what God want us to do be there for our family but each time I go it'll last about five or six months and then they'll turn on me again my dad would say evil things you know you can get up and get out you know so this time the good Lord just expose who they truly were and I've been gone for 3 years now
You are so welcome!🤗 I'm very glad to hear this channel has been helpful to you. Every time I hear these things I continue down the path of making more videos. I don't know if you know but I do live chats on Fridays after 5pm. If you have your notifications on you can join us! I answer and read comments live. I welcome you!
Hi www.youtube.com/@TherapistTamaraHill thank you for your videos. I watched about 6 hours in a row. They really helped. From what I learned, I was able to sit down with my family and have a discussion (it wasn't easy) but we have now accepted and found a way to work together without the pain and trauma to continue. It was from what I learned watching your videos. You brought us to a point where we can co-exist with healthy boundaries and understanding. Although healing takes a lot of time, I feel in my heart, it has lifted a burden sitting there for more than 30 years. Please continue the good work you do.
Oh my. This is such a wonderful and humbling comment. Thank you! I'm so glad that my videos offered some guidance to you. The real work is how you use what you learn here so I applaud you for moving forward and working on things with your family. That's beautiful! Praying for your continued growth and guidance.
Thank you so much for this. I am actually on the receiving end of estrangement from my son. And my thought through all this has been, when he chooses to come back, "what if i am not there." I don't mean this in a manipulative fear way of 'I might die'. but the I don't want to try to strive to have a healthy relationship with you, for you to just walk away again. Can you understand this?
You're welcome. And I'm glad you brought this question up. I think at that point he has to understand -- which may be when it's too late -- he has made this decision, not you. Whatever happens after his decision is his lot to deal with. If you don't feel you want to extend kindness and try to re-engage him, that really is his lot at this point. He may not fully "know" what he is doing. If you decide not to be there if he decides to "come back," that is his lot. It's sad. But perhaps true in some cases.
I'm estranged from my daughter but not by choice. She married, had a baby then all things fell apart. My siblings and I can no longer get along. I've tried. I've apologized. Everytime I think maybe this time things will go well SOMETHING gets said or done that makes my walls go right back up. I'm tired of hearing how horrible I was in our childhood. I'm tired of hearing" God told me you would abandon me and you have" I'm tired of having things said behind my back and when I get hurt by it it's twisted and it's MY fault. My family used to be close. But I've learned that if things are not their way things don't go well. I have changed my number, removed myself from social media and am trying to move on. The hardest part to swallow is that my daughter who saw what they did and turned against them is now close to them and calls me toxic and a narcissist. I just want peace And my daughter and her family
I really enjoy your topics. Can you do a video in regards to parents who initiate no contact with their adult children? There are alot information about adult children who intimate no contact with their parents but I rarely see a little information on the web about parents initiating no contact.
My sister has disrespected me and my family. I have disconnected from her, deleted her from my phone and social media. I told her to contact me through my other sister only if there is a emergency with my Mother. Just thinkgin of being with her makes me physically sick. I needed to do this for my health
Thank you for your video🎯 it's been a year since I walked away from my family Dynamic🎭🤡🤥 of malignant narcissists, realizing they were just trying to use me as a scapegoat🐐 because they do not want to deal with their trauma, from their past, the best thing for me to do is move out the way ,for them to heal 🙏on their own with the Lord Jesus Christ, I NOT ME AWAKEN 👁 HEYOKA Empath..
I have been through exactly what you’re talking about….. the going back-and-forth …..but the last time was definitely confirmation that I needed to be away from them. I have to love them at a distance. I only talk to my oldest brother, and may be a cousin, and even they have distanced themselves in ways away from them, I have been labeled the black sheep or the outsider of the family as a small child so I was already othered from the beginning. My Mother is extremely toxic and she used to pit. The older siblings against the younger ones and primarily use the older ones for child care. …… my older sisters, cousins and uncles, are very toxic people as well. ….I read about this and this is a form of scapegoating ….. and they said that this is the hallmark of a narcissistic family, and they all stay on code to protect the people that do harm and gaslight me. I’m always reminded of everything I’ve done wrong in my life even though I was a child without support and protection…. and they never see me as the adult that I am even though that I am achieving so many great things …..they look over that . They pour all of their negativity on me…… I’m glad I walked away ….but yes, it is hard on holidays and special occasions. It’s gotten to the point where I have disconnected from social media so I am not reminded of their family gatherings that I will never really be treated as others attending. I do speak with my oldest brothers ex-wife who lives in New Jersey, and has always been a source of comfort to me. She has replaced that mother figure, but I still feel a great sadness over it. I hope one day that it dissipates.
Ask whats influencing young adults to estrange from parents who never were abusive but very giving and loving. Maybe too much is expected from parents.
thank you for the guidance-- I called my sister out on this, as long as my communications are ignored she is good, as long as she can say or do anything to me she wants to do we are good. She tells me she loves me. BUT she is a liar!!
I had to recognize that there never was closeness. Constant using and betrayal. Couldn’t be anywhere around them. Tired of being told….but that happens in families. Nope, no more.
Yes. Glad i came across your page My mom i did not talk to for three years until a funeral. She act like everything was good . Sucked me in and boom same evil person. She text 1000 words per min when upset its unreal I finally had enough and cut off. What can i do to stay that way, not feel guilty.
Ms. Hill, Thank you for this session! Very informative! Many family members let me go years ago and I tried to stay connected in some way. Now I forgive and let go. I remain open to clinical intervention. Unfortunately, I feel most black individuals and families need therapy. Perhaps, this is due to the unconscious effects of slavery.
This channel is such a blessing - thank you for this wonderful discussion Tamara
You are so welcome!! And thank You. I always pray God blesses this channel and reaches all of you. So this is good to hear.
Agree ❤❤❤
Thank you Tamara! ❤
Letting go of a family that has no love was a mentally healthy move for me. It is time for me to surround myself with mentally healthy people. I get to choose who my family is.
💯❤️❤️❤️
That speaks volumes to me. much love real healing and Tamara, i love ur efforts to help us overcome this calamity called family. As dysfunctional as they are, we still get shame and guilt while on this process. It hurts but its better than nothing. Because what we have is nothing.
I walked away from my family they were just getting too toxic for me best thing I ever did come to find out I have a whole new family and they don't have to be flesh and blood
Exactly! We didn’t choose these people but we must choose ourselves!
@@greendragon4058 What a lovely comment it really hits home green dragon. You have to come to a realisation that your family if you are the SG too much pain and toxicity.
making new friends and friends around you are your new founded family and a stranger would treat you better.
I tried to reconnect after my dad died and my brother contacted me and tried to break my back further.
SO Regretted even going near them again
Brother is a sociopath
A friend telling me “Would you rather be part of a family that loves you unconditionally? Or loves you only when it benefits them?” was the most enlightening thing I ever heard
Yes! I can certainly see why.
@@TherapistTamaraHill It explained everything
Wow
I have family members that I have to stay away from for my mental health and peace of mind.
You are courageous to take care of you.
Same here. I have a 17 year gap between me and my so called "family." One of the best decisions I've ever made.
@@craigsamuels07 I wish i had of kept to doing that staying away from my Npd family, as i stayed away and only visited now and then and seen the dysfunction and toxicity.
Then my father died and i got vacuumed back into the web of hatred enviesm blaming and hassle. Got burned real bad by my narc brother wasnt happy i was doing well
me too
My family doesn't even acknowledge me. I'm completely alone. I'm done trying only to be devastated again and again! 😢
I'm so sorry😔
So sorry 😞❤️🩹. Same here 😢💔☮️
Sending love. You are strong enough. You’ll become your own family ❤
Ditto you are not alone.
I feel same way
You can have family and no love. It's better to be alone and work through it with counseling. I had to completely cut out all the unhealthy toxic relationships out of my life for good.
💯💯💯
I have become estranged from my family. Contact is to a minimum, and when we do speak it's very surface. It always feels like the elephant in the room, issues that nobody ever speaks about but are clearly there. I'm the "rebel" and I'm perfectly ok with that!
I understand this perspective. When things get this way, something has to change and sometimes that's walking away completely. If walking away for your sanity is being "a rebel," then so be it!
I think my family left me when they decided to treat me with disrespect, keep me in some artificial role they created (for their own sake) decades ago. So yeah, if its their way or the highway, the highway looks like the better option!
Thank you for this! From now on I’m gonna tell anyone who asks that my entire family died in a car crash :) that way I don’t have to say “they’re toxic and after my parents died my siblings became even more toxic than they were before, so I had to disengage for my own mental health.” Because I’m tired of people looking at me sideways and assuming I must be the problem, silently judging me.
Yeah, I've been tempted to do something similar. I hate lying about stuff, but at the same time you don't want to over share. Even nice, empathatic people won't understand... they will find it hard to understand that some people want to destroy and dominate their family.
That’s what I have decided to do as well. Tired of explaining I’m just going to say they’re dead so I get empathy instead of judgment.
Leaving and going back to a toxic family or certain toxic family members is like any other toxic and abuse relationship, every time you leave and go back it will get worse every time. These people will never change. Save yourself, put God first and have faith. God is your source and provider and He will restore everything you think you lost. Losing yourself is much worse than leaving individuals that you did not choose anyway. We did not choose these people but we much choose ourselves. 🙏🏾❤️☮️ Great video and discussion.
Thank you for saying this 😊 Agree!
@@TherapistTamaraHill You’re welcome!😊
Perfectly said
It's sad too how they'll play the we're family role to subject you to mistreatment emotionally smh
I am 60 years old and just got the strength to walk a way. I got sick and tired of trying to show then that I am a great person. My sister(haven't spoken to in years), brothers(older brother and his surface conversation) and my mother have been giving me the silent treatment, and non-supportive. It is the most empowering thing that I have ever done. I have been trying to do this for years. I finally got the strength to do so. I would rather do it by myself and toot my own horn when I have success, because they never did. It is a journey to recovery, because I am going through it, but worth it to release this trauma I have stored in my body.
I appreciate this validating video. I love my family but am estranged, sadly, from all of them. My entire family has been broken and we have all been scattered, emotionally speaking. , for years, was the pursuer of my family members. I use to always send cards for everyone on every occasion, and always call and visit(I’ve lived in another state for 30 years). After a very long time, I noticed it was always a one-way-street. This crushed my spirit so I just stopped communicating in any way. I realized they just weren’t interested in a true relationship with me. I let go of pursuing them. I retain love in my heart for them but knew I deserved better treatment.
Thanks for all you do.
Thank you! And you're welcome. Validation is sometimes the most important part of healing for some people. I can relate personally and professionally to the one-way-street communication. You did right to stop. When doing "normal" things for your family begins to feel taxing or like "work", that's a sign to move on.
This makes me want to cry. This is exactly how I have felt about my family.
Same here, with regard go my siblings, always reaching out...no reciprocation. It was easy to let go of people who dont care I didn't shed one tear.
My family NEVER went beyond shallow conversation. Not being in touch is actually fairly normal for us.
This is spot on, i estranged myself. But mainly because the issues are not talked about or handled.
I walked away from my entire family along with extended family simply because they will never understand why I chose to to so and quite frankly I didn't care seeing that what others think of me....does not define who I am. The problem is that most people DO CARE of what others think of them which is why they stay tethered to the these toxic people.
If someone has your best interest at heart...they will lift you up and support any decision you make in your personal life because it's nobody's buisness.....
Learn from toxic family ...how not to be instead of repeating these relationships based upon adjendas....
You are NOT here on this planet to be responsible for others happiness.....you are here to be in service to one another from a place of love...acceptance...homoring....respect and compassion for all souls that cross your path ❤
Beautifully said!
Walk away? More like "Run like hell"!
OMG thank you for bringing up toxic forgiveness because it’s so prevalent in our culture right now. Too often people think that forgiveness means we are opening the door for them to come back in and abuse us again. And one shouldn’t be pushed to forgive when one isn’t ready. Maybe some of us need to wait until we move through that anger.
Forgive but don't forget.
Forgiveness is different than allowing.
@@juanitawatson596 I used to think that expression was tantamount to holding a grudge. But I realise it means releasing the hurt but from a safe distance.
I just had to learn how to walk away from my narcissistic mother. It's a hard pill to swallow but I have to do it for my mental health and so I can be the opposite of what she was to me, for my children.
Facts!!!!!!
I just was able to walk away from my family at 40 years old. I have been wanting to separate from them since age 15 trying to get emancipated. I always feel better and at peace when I am not in communication with my relatives.
I left my covert narcissist and adult children flying monkeys. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have 2 rare diseases and was dying around them. It was best for my health. I’m sending love and light for ALL of us! ❤️❤️❤️
I hope your health has improved since you have gotten away from them.
Just speaking from my own experience, when my siblings all started coming around during my parents passings, I started having a lot of health problems. I even had to have a hysterectomy, going under anesthesia, a couple of months ago because I was having symptoms of uterine cancer. Once the results came back clear of cancer that’s when I really decided that the best thing for me to do was to completely separate myself from my extremely toxic siblings who were causing me constant stress, crying every day, sleepless nights, and anxiety. I realized that my health was beginning to be very negatively affected by just having extremely toxic people all around me. It’s amazing how much healthier I feel now that they’re no longer in my life. I’m not saying that they’re responsible for all of my potential health issues, but the stress of being constantly bombarded by toxic people can 100% exacerbate health issues.
I hope you’re doing well or at least much better.
I understand. I have rare disabling chronic illnesses also. It’s been years of relentless traumatizing pain and loneliness. Now CPTSD and I’m literally dying from all of the emotional trauma. 😢💔☮️
I'm okay with walking away from family enstrandgement and my boundaries is precious as diamonds
I like this! "My boundaries is precious as diamonds."
I didn't realize my family was a cult until I cut off 95% of them.
Wow. That can be traumatic indeed.
@TherapistTamaraHill it was!! I've been receiving therapy four years now.
For me, I believe that family serves a purpose. They are there to teach us as kids how to deal with or folks in the real world. Some we cling to, some we are guarded in our interactions, there are those we try to compromise with, and there are others that we have to walk away from. Some we observe boundaries and teach how we want to be treated, but we all have those that we run away from. Even if it means moving far away like another country
My wife and I are going through the process of walking away from my wife's mother and her siblings. Listening to you tackle this issue and reading the comments helped and gave me a better insight on how to deal with our situation. THANK YOU!
I think we should take forgiveness right out of the equation. It's not actually necessary and doesn't fit estrangement at all because three things are usually needed for forgiveness.
1)The person that wronged you acknowledges what they did.
2)The person that wronged you demonstrates they want to change so they wont hurt you again.
3) You forgive so you can continue the relationship.
So for those of us estranged potentially none of the ingredients above are present, so it's like saying you need to make a cake without the ingredients. It just doesn't work. Also why should our forgiveness be so cheap that we would give it for no reason and without any of the ingredients above? 'The whole reason people say to forgive is to feel better ourselves but forgiveness isnt the right vehicle and the constant pressure to 'forgive 'can further shame and negate peoples experiences. I have no malice or anger towards my family because I have done loads of research and understand my family system. I have radically accepted what has happened and am moving on with my life. It never needed forgiveness....it just needed knowledge and acceptance.
I’ve been estranged from my parents since 1987. I’m 56yo now and had an entire 34 year military career. They missed that and they missed out on my wife and two children.
I'm sorry. It can feel like such a loss when families go down this road. But there is acceptance and healing in knowing that their absence doesn't mean your life has to stop.
@@TherapistTamaraHill absolutely! My life had to go on with or without them. I’ve experienced all the ups and downs life has to offer. I built a new family with my wife, daughters and son in laws, and even grand children. Along the way, my parents have been invited to participate, and they chose to remain silent. It was their loss for sure.
This is my life. I talk on the phone to the one brother with whom I feel safe in what I share. I have quietly distanced myself from those who don't offer healthy relating. It took time to let go of guilt. I do send gifts to nieces, nephews who I wish to have more communication- but, it's tricky as it feels all enmeshed and tied. I am reparenting myself, creating healthy bounderies and seeking Joy, new healthy connections sometimes, nature and sled-love.
is tough indeed. But it sounds like you have done things the right way. I even love that you are "re-parenting" yourself. That's healthy!
I just disconnected from my mom and brother. It has been 9 days now. I needed peace of mind and this recent experience with them I got physically sick. I have been feeding my mind with these videos. Thankyou ❤
Just remember to stay true to yourself- someone has to. Stay true to your path of self love and respect- someone has to. Just because you’re related by dna and/ or grew up with them does not mean they are ‘family’. Loyalty’ to family becomes moot when abuse is a condition of that ‘loyalty’. It’s not easy but the alternative - losing your sense of worth, your sense of purpose, your senses all round- if far more difficult far more painful. I went no contact to 3 abusers I grew up with. They were ok, even good at times the last 35 years because I’ve always lived far away since I was 21(go figure!). Then as soon as Mum was ‘out of the house’ for good, ie died, just like growing up when Mum was out of the house they would start the verbal then physical violence. No physical violence this time probably because they know I would get police involved- but the verbal abuse and other acts this time around were far more cruel, vicious and perverse than what I remember. It has only stopped again because I’ve gone no contact. The most vicious one my sister, started on my own family- her nephew and 3 nieces. Yeah that alone has sickened me to my core. She is dead to me now. So going no contact is a no brainer. As time passes you will feel better for going no contact. I wish you all the best on your new safer journey 🙏.
If you come from a dysfunctional family Scapegoat Golden Child , lost child syndrome caused by the Narc parent and gave everyone a role. Dont think when the Narc parent passes that everyone will be out to help each other and all have their own sense of self...support each other moving forward like normal siblings
To the GC the loyalty to the Narc parent is ingrained....that always dislike the chosen Scape goat
I have learned a dear dear lesson thinking my GC brother and highly NPD personality would change and be glad to re kindle a loving the relationship to move forward with his younger brother.
He tried to break my back....but let on to ask me for a simple hug..i trusted him...he has now left me with lumbar damaged nerves/nerve pain and damage.
I have dis owned him now completely ....should of followed my gut instinct and stayed away as i hadnt seen him in 2 years prior. The kicker was he knew i suffered years with a spinal fracture and spent 10 years to get back on my feet/ expensive rehab and career change. was doing great career /health and well being. He has now put me back 10 years of spinal rehab. absolute sociopath
Look out for yourself very dangerous ..lepoards dont change their spots...FACT
I am glad I found you. Going through the breakup with most of my Mother’s side of the family. I am 9 months in.
Welcome to the channel! Glad to have you!
It's so hard trying to manage a family separation. I wish you well.
I blocked the numbers to most of my family members. Those who are blocked can't reach me. I've told those, I talk to, not to pass me any messages.
I don't blame you!
I feel that after My wife and I had kids my family simply gave up on us. We don’t receive news, have to to pull every info from them, no casual/natural quality communication at all. No visits on their side, just us. Everytime. When we visit they leave the room, leave to watch TV, or sit in their room whole day and just don’t connect. And my kids want to see them, want to se granny, grandpa, and uncle, and ask us to go…. Makes my stomach turn.
Many of these family behaviors have happened to my family. I've moved forward without mention of a toxic family dynamic for self-preservation and peace. I have two families; 1. blood-related, and 2. "Water", my water family is loving, caring, and nontoxic, and we flow with life together. "Bloof family is not what it's cracked up to be." Live a peace-filled life with people that flow with you!
I grew up loving the time spent with my father's extended family and thought it was fun to see the different colorful personalities. I was also a child. Now that I'm an adult, I realize that I have a strong distaste for the behaviors I've experienced from my family. Alcoholism, male promiscuity, immaturity, deep jealousy...I have grown disgusted by the toxicity. The only thing we have in common is blood. This is the first family reunion that I'm not attending. Part of me misses the old days, but I feel compelled to slowly close the door to spare myself the disappointment. Everyone feels too comfortable disrespecting me. I have to protect myself and cutting ties is the only way I know. It's sad but necessary.
That's a very good point. This is an example of growth. When you grow and learn better, you do better and you begin to see the immaturity around you. Doesn't mean they are un-redeemable. It just means they haven't matured to where you are and now you have to walk away.
Calling my mom can be a pain and a cause of my nervousness. I be like: What poison are u going to inject me now
TEXT IS BETTER. i only have one sibling who always praises mom, so i blocked him we had an argument. Now i dont speak to anyone in my family. THEYRE SUCH A HEADACHE
I totally understand that. You need space and peace of mind.
CHOSEN FAMILY REAL IS EVERYTHING AS SOMEONE IN THE LIVE CHAT SAID
They say it was my choice to get away from my family, I say ''not'' because I had to do it in order to be happy and free of criticisms
In my case they only invite us when they are having their events their birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. The reason I choose to walk away was years of them complaining that I don't go to their events when I had valid reasons and I was miss understood and pressured to just be there but at the same time they never cared to be receprical towards us and my nuclear family. I wasn't even asked if that day will work or if I had something going on and being respected, it felt that I was the third wheel and I just had to go along and if I didn't they were disappointed but they never tried to be receprical. Also there was a lot of triangulation about me behind the scenes and other family members blaming etc. When I noticed I brought it up to their awareness hoping they will change and we can work things out and understand. But sadly no matter how many years I tried, it was always me and I don't know what I am talking about, I am oversensetive, crazy, it didn't happen and they just acted like I was making it up which I wasn't. Their behavior and treatment was not nice to me or my kids. Each time I tried it got worse so after years of the same denial and no one understanding, I choose to estranged myself which of course I got blamed again. I had nothing to loose they always treat me awful could never please them even when I thought I was trying they always found something I did and I was back at the same position. Now I don't want to reconnect out of fear of same situation happening again because I don't see them trying and their actions are still the same. Of course they have their middle people trying to convince me to forgive and forget but it is not about forgiveness is about trust and they deny everything so how can you start healthy again when they still invalidating you and pretty much all they care for me to go back and be at their events. Maybe is me but I don't trust them so I am staying away. I am still struggling with trauma especially when flying monkeys come around and mention them again but I don't see the people that cause this coming on their own and have an honest communication. Is taught and sad never in my life wanted this but I am at dead end, I don't know how to fix it especially when everyone is gaslighting you and invalidates you and same patterns happen and there is always a flying monkey. People don't understand no one wants to estrange if things are well and there is mutual respect and reciprocity and understanding. To me who ever pushes you to go back they don't care about you all they care is about their selves and just because they were treated better they think they have the right to tell you to go back.
I relate to this on so many levels. I hate going to family functions because I know that most of the people there are not genuine towards me. I'm very sensitive and I can feel their energy.
Why would I want to go somewhere where I am constantly being me to feel like I've done something wrong, or that I'm inferior.? So I stopped going to the family events and everyone has a chip on their shoulders because of it. When all they do is gossip about other people, point out your flaws, ask you personal questions that's none of their business, make you feel bad with indirect jabs... why even go??
Make sure before you walk away from family that you know for sure they are Toxic/disfunctional/narcissist, not willing to change. You don't want to be a sitting duck to be mistreated by a opportunists. That can further your mental health downward spiral.
In my fifties now. I have been waiting for many many decades for my siblings to finally get therapy so we can have a healthy relationship! I am having to accept that this day may never come. 😢
The disappeared method is what I did. You have to tell 1 person you're gone but do not tell anyone where you are.
Wow! I came across your channel about toxic family and I’m definitely a witness to that. I have 2 sisters, 1 brother, and an adoptive younger sister. I get along with all my siblings, but the 3 older siblings don’t get along with each other. I have a different father from my 3 siblings. I been working with mom for 3 years. I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed cause my older sister is power attorney for my mom, and she makes sure that no one give my mom any stress. Me and my brother just started talking again. My other sister stopped talking to me because I work under my mom and my sister. Once I stop working with my mom, I’m going to distance myself from them, but continue to communicate with my mom. I just want some peace in my life with my son and fiancé. New subscriber!🔥🙏🏾💯
That's very stressful. I'm sorry you have experienced this. I too had an experience like this when my grandmother passed 3yrs ago and I served her on her estate. It was pure chaos with my extended family. It appears when power of attorney's, executors, etc. are involved the real bones of the family structure and relationship is finally clearly known. You are likely to experience stress in this dynamic. It's not impossible, however, to overcome.
Welcome to the channel! Join me live Jan 5th after 6pm as I discuss the unstable family dynamic further. I love these lives because I get to communicate with all of you.
your videos very very helpful, because you have the courage and integrity to tell the truth . Thank you, Thank God. 😘😘😘😘🙏🙏🙏💐💐💐💐
Oh my! 🤗😊 Thank you very much! Glad I can be of help in this world and to the families that need freedom.
Your channel is dope.
Loving the content.
Keep going.
Thanks so much! And welcome to the channel!
I have always felt that if texting is the only form of communication it is a way to keep distance, to avoid meaningful connection. It is like Facebook: calling people friends who you have not seen in many years or who you barely know . Real communication has to start in the family early. It is not easy if you only know people who react negatively if you try to talk about anything of significance. I tried to talk with some friends about concerns I had about what was going on in the world and was told to lighten up because we were just getting together to have fun. That has been my entire life experience. My dad told me early on I was too serious and needed to be like my brother: easy-going. I always felt something is wrong with me.
No, there is nothing wrong with you! They are just not serious enough!
Bet that hurt?
So many people just prefer living in a haze ..... I would definitely be having that discussion with you ...I really notice the disconnection.
You are on the right track. Have real relationships because it is worth it!
THATZ WHY PEOPLE DRINK MORE DOING THE HOLIDAYS... STRAIGHT UP FACTS....
Sad. But True.
💘 This is exactly where I am...where our family is. At least some of the dynamics.
This video was waiting here for me when I needed it. Your topic timing is impeccable! Im in the ‘left-waited years-thought they’d mature out of it-tentatively went back-they hadn’t changed-got burned-back to cut off mode’ camp. Thanks for offering the idea that these situations and complex feelings about them are a somewhat ‘normal’ process across the board. It’s harder to do again after having re-established contact, but I had made the premise clear that it was contingent and conditional - that I wasn’t going to stick around if the same old toxic funk bubbled up and threatened my boundaries, independence, and dignity in any way. It’s like tapping the edge of a spider web - no matter who you contact or how benign their intentions seem at first, evil is awakened from the center of the family web. You have to run before they spin you in the sticky and feed on their supply from you - be it scapegoating, superiority, slander, dominance, control. They never got over that family dynamic to heal themselves, like i had been attempting to do for myself in my time away. Wanted to try to connect once more if there was a chance at all for redemption before it was too late. Now I have to grieve not because I waited too late, but because the chance never really existed. I’m encouraged by your idea of reinventing one’s life and breaking out of the family role I was stuck in. That brings some light and hope as reward for the pain of shutting down contact again, no matter how much I doubt myself or feel my heartstrings pull. The idea of love & safety from that source is a mirage. Taking care of myself is a better bet, albeit a harder lot.
Thank you for your self-sacrificial passion to be there for those who need the understanding, validation, and ‘sense-making’ out of a difficult social-familial quagmire.
Do make sure to take care of you! Sleep is health, and you deserve to live at your best. We’ll just wait while you recharge; we’re not going anywhere. We know where to tune in for healthful truth!
I'm so glad this was helpful to you. And I agree with your assessment of this topic and your own situation. It's hard but, as you point out, "taking care of myself is a better bet...." Agree.
And thank you for this kind mothering!
"Thank you for your self-sacrificial passion to be there for those who need the understanding, validation, and ‘sense-making’ out of a difficult social-familial quagmire.
Do make sure to take care of you! Sleep is health, and you deserve to live at your best. We’ll just wait while you recharge; we’re not going anywhere. We know where to tune in for healthful truth!" 🤗
My mother just told me the same thing!🙈
I’m walking away from my mother and brothers. They are toxic to me. It’s always my mom against her daughters but loves her sons that DONT do anything for her. Except one of my brothers can burn her house down and their she is giving him birthday and Christmas cards but treats me crappy. So walking away
That's horrible. I'm sorry. Sometimes the best decision is walking away.
I find those shallow conversations as a way to manipulate and keep a toxic relationship going.
I just found your videos and I have stayed away from my relatives and family which includes my mother and brothers because they emotionally and mentally drain me out. I feel shame and guilt and wonder if God is punishing me because of my decision. My family expects financial support and I refused to do it when I got married and eventually lost my job after I got sick with a terminal illness. My only close brother decided that I should donate my property to him to help him support my elder sick mother knowing my health condition and the fact I also have young children. I wanted to live my remaining life in peace but family always calls when they have problems. I got so scared when the phone would ring . That was how traumatized I am with what they are doing to me. I have so much pain and anger and hate and sadness that I stop talking to them and stop responding to their text messages. How can I relieve this guilt and shame that I felt from leaving my toxic family and forgiving myself from years of emotional and mental abuse and manipulation?
You are doing some very good work on your channel. Congratulations! Just wanted to weigh in and let you know that I’ve been no contact with all blood family members for eight years. After that long time passing, there is no going back. I don’t miss them anymore. I don’t have good memories with them. All my memories with them or bad memories. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend last week with my wife and my dog and I’m making new memories every day. I have a very busy life. I have many important things to accomplish, and I have many goals that I would like to achieve. Reconciling with my estranged blood relatives is not on my to do list nor my goal list, nor will it ever be.
Today I have taken the decision to remove my 2; completely dysfunctional toxic sisters from my life..l can't take it anymore. It is impossible to set boundaries or even tell them that I don't want them in my life. My life has been incredibly difficult due to the fact I have a severe bone muscle disease. I have other problems which I won't mention too. They're both similar, but also very different. I just can't do one more day with the systematic abuse. Soon I will be moving to a new home, and I won't tell them where I am. This is going to be about me finally caring for myself
Right there with you. I'm only 2 months out from moving out of the house with my toxic narcissist sister and into my own apartment. Shes so angry with me for leaving she only texts me to start an argument about something. Even with your health conditions, you will feel so much better without them in your life!
@@ptlovelight2971 all the best to you... I hear you! I hope everything goes well for you and good luck
Once our siblings and parents die off and terminate the dysfunctional family, then there are the nieces and nephews who have their children. Guess what? The dysfunction continues. Good Luck trying to share what you've learned. 🤣 They all will think you are CRAZY. 😒
Learn to be strong - it's very disheartening to realize that you will be of no help to them. This is life's REALITY, and it hurts.
🙈🙉🙊 very true
Family Estrangement underpins my connection with my relatives. Years ago, I removed myself from my UNHEALTHY relatives. I received professional help. Fifteen years later, I returned, hoping most of them sought therapy too. Sadly it’s the same messes, just different toilets. I CUT TIES COMPLETELY!
I must say, I saw a pattern. The TROUBLED relatives admitted while they were physically sick, their medical doctors suggested mental therapy to them. They went to professionals who told them they needed medications and CBT, but they declined. They said they were okay.🤷🏽♀️😢
One of my mantras:
My relatives, I do not deal with; my family is who I hand-pick, PERIOD!
I have walked away from my dad, his wife, and kids. They have kept trying to contact me over the years. Most recently my step mom messaged me saying that I was a horrible person for not talking to my dad. Trying to make me feel guilty for severing the relationship. My dad has even gotten his sister and brother to contact me. I have to stay strong in protecting myself and I will not go back. I made that mistake a few different times tp try and have a relationship. They only want to keep me around so they can continue to put me down and because they are scared of what I know. They walk around pretending to be good people but have been so destructive to other people. They have done so many things to harm other people for their own satisfaction. I do not want to be around their toxicity.
Thank you so much for this video and all that you do, Tamara. These sorts of conversations need to be normalised. I feel so grateful hearing you say it's ok to walk away from family for my own peace of mind ❤
Tamara you are AWESOME!! I just discovered your videos! Your delivery and information is absolutely excellent! Very much Appreciate the PEARLS!
Thank you so much! You're welcome!! 🤗 Glad this was helpful.
Thank you for addressing this important topic with us.
It does come up in life with growing, seeing differences out there, self actualization, etc., that it’s best to be estranged.
You're welcome!! And thank you. Glad this is helpful.
Thank you so much, when I really know them, I have to leave them forever, otherwise I would be killed by then
You're welcome!
And I totally see that point.
With much hesitation and thought, I've had to let go of siblings, some, niece's, nephews and my eldest daughter. I love them, but too toxic can't continue to allow that into my life.
I hate phone calls. I actually am estranged from most people because I don't tell many how I actually feel or what I need or want. My family I can't really talk to them about anything because I am very passionate about activism with women's rights and racism and classism and I am atheist and queer and they are hyper religious and anti most things human rights. I have never felt safe or comfortable ever showing them my true real thoughts and who I truly am.
All of these components can create a lot of stress within the family. I'm sorry you are experiencing such intense isolation -- so it sounds.
If you have migrated over from the previous LIVE chat that had technical difficulties, WELCOME!
The LIVE chatbox will be available to you within 12-24hrs! That's where the REAL education comes from.😉
Im estranged from the family. Its amazing how 1 person can totally destroy the whole family...sad😢.
Yes, I agree. I'm sorry 😞
Blood isn't thicker than water ,especially if it's a dysfunctional family
sadly it can set a trend of attracting narcissists in your relationships and eventually having to walk away from family's and children ..Some are estranged for decades even for ever
i’ve been disowned disinherited and new people in said family don’t even know my existence like i was erased on paper. its really hard to stand up for yourself your needs and wants when you are met with being denied demeaned and intentionally ignored by your original family unit. radical acceptance is also hard but not as dangerous as staying in the family system that doesn’t respect or acknowledge you. they even proudly took my last name they have much contempt for before completely erasing me.
The patterns of estrangement are complex in my family, its hard sometimes to see who estranged who. But a common thread going back to at least my grandparents generation is people dropping off the face of the Earth, everyone thinks they're dead, then they pop up.
Lots of people getting offended, not talking about why and just not talking. A lot of people feeling arrogant and superior, with lots of attempts at dominating others.
Funny enough, even though we all have problems, some family members have chosen one member to scapegoat as "sick" when that person isn't the only one- convienient, huh?
A few years ago I got divorced, had skin cancer, was bullied and ultimately set up and fired by a particulary vile manager, I had to sell my home as a result of all this at 50 yrs old. I was assaulted by a co worker and then fired again for a mistake someone else made. Im the scapegoat in my family and not one person offered help or was even supportive. As soon as you realize that you really are truly alone in the midst of a family leaving them is easy.
Being ostracized, isolated, and purposely left out will make you walk away also!
For me, no one reached out, or hardly ever. It goes both ways.
When you are doing far better after cutting contact with most family members, you're better off living anywhere else. That's not support and it isn't really family.
Tamara thank you for always providing healthy tools for us to rebuild our lives and the demolition of family members.
🤗 You're welcome! And thank you for continuing support on this channel.
One Love Family. The Frankie Paradise Network. NYC
Right back at you! Thank you
Same thing went back because I'm a Christian woman and I thought that's what God want us to do be there for our family but each time I go it'll last about five or six months and then they'll turn on me again my dad would say evil things you know you can get up and get out you know so this time the good Lord just expose who they truly were and I've been gone for 3 years now
Thank you so much for helping me walk through these difficult times 😊
You are so welcome!🤗 I'm very glad to hear this channel has been helpful to you. Every time I hear these things I continue down the path of making more videos.
I don't know if you know but I do live chats on Fridays after 5pm. If you have your notifications on you can join us! I answer and read comments live.
I welcome you!
Hi www.youtube.com/@TherapistTamaraHill thank you for your videos. I watched about 6 hours in a row. They really helped. From what I learned, I was able to sit down with my family and have a discussion (it wasn't easy) but we have now accepted and found a way to work together without the pain and trauma to continue. It was from what I learned watching your videos. You brought us to a point where we can co-exist with healthy boundaries and understanding. Although healing takes a lot of time, I feel in my heart, it has lifted a burden sitting there for more than 30 years. Please continue the good work you do.
Oh my. This is such a wonderful and humbling comment. Thank you! I'm so glad that my videos offered some guidance to you. The real work is how you use what you learn here so I applaud you for moving forward and working on things with your family. That's beautiful! Praying for your continued growth and guidance.
Lots of love your way helping ❤️
Thank you!! And it's my pleasure to help.
Thank you so much for this. I am actually on the receiving end of estrangement from my son. And my thought through all this has been, when he chooses to come back, "what if i am not there." I don't mean this in a manipulative fear way of 'I might die'. but the I don't want to try to strive to have a healthy relationship with you, for you to just walk away again. Can you understand this?
You're welcome. And I'm glad you brought this question up. I think at that point he has to understand -- which may be when it's too late -- he has made this decision, not you. Whatever happens after his decision is his lot to deal with. If you don't feel you want to extend kindness and try to re-engage him, that really is his lot at this point. He may not fully "know" what he is doing. If you decide not to be there if he decides to "come back," that is his lot. It's sad. But perhaps true in some cases.
The problem is when people weaponize estrangement
FAMILY IS EVERYTHING....WHAT A MYTH!!!
I'm estranged from my daughter but not by choice. She married, had a baby then all things fell apart. My siblings and I can no longer get along. I've tried. I've apologized. Everytime I think maybe this time things will go well SOMETHING gets said or done that makes my walls go right back up. I'm tired of hearing how horrible I was in our childhood. I'm tired of hearing" God told me you would abandon me and you have" I'm tired of having things said behind my back and when I get hurt by it it's twisted and it's MY fault. My family used to be close. But I've learned that if things are not their way things don't go well. I have changed my number, removed myself from social media and am trying to move on. The hardest part to swallow is that my daughter who saw what they did and turned against them is now close to them and calls me toxic and a narcissist. I just want peace And my daughter and her family
sometimes ppl just drift apart. the world is ever expanding
Thank you so much for sharing, especially those reminders 🌌💖💫
You're welcome and thank you for watching!
I really enjoy your topics. Can you do a video in regards to parents who initiate no contact with their adult children? There are alot information about adult children who intimate no contact with their parents but I rarely see a little information on the web about parents initiating no contact.
Thank you!! I'm glad you do.
And yes, I will add this topic to the list so stay tuned for the alert!
Who was here since we had 1K. TAM-FAM, Now we soon hitting 40k
🥰 praying for that!
@@TherapistTamaraHill Ameen to that
Growing old solo. It is hard. Who will take care of me when I need help?
My sister has disrespected me and my family. I have disconnected from her, deleted her from my phone and social media. I told her to contact me through my other sister only if there is a emergency with my Mother. Just thinkgin of being with her makes me physically sick. I needed to do this for my health
Thank you for your video🎯 it's been a year since I walked away from my family Dynamic🎭🤡🤥 of malignant narcissists, realizing they were just trying to use me as a scapegoat🐐 because they do not want to deal with their trauma, from their past, the best thing for me to do is move out the way ,for them to heal 🙏on their own with the Lord Jesus Christ, I NOT ME AWAKEN 👁 HEYOKA Empath..
💯💯💯
I have been through exactly what you’re talking about….. the going back-and-forth …..but the last time was definitely confirmation that I needed to be away from them. I have to love them at a distance. I only talk to my oldest brother, and may be a cousin, and even they have distanced themselves in ways away from them, I have been labeled the black sheep or the outsider of the family as a small child so I was already othered from the beginning. My Mother is extremely toxic and she used to pit. The older siblings against the younger ones and primarily use the older ones for child care. …… my older sisters, cousins and uncles, are very toxic people as well. ….I read about this and this is a form of scapegoating ….. and they said that this is the hallmark of a narcissistic family, and they all stay on code to protect the people that do harm and gaslight me. I’m always reminded of everything I’ve done wrong in my life even though I was a child without support and protection…. and they never see me as the adult that I am even though that I am achieving so many great things …..they look over that . They pour all of their negativity on me…… I’m glad I walked away ….but yes, it is hard on holidays and special occasions. It’s gotten to the point where I have disconnected from social media so I am not reminded of their family gatherings that I will never really be treated as others attending.
I do speak with my oldest brothers ex-wife who lives in New Jersey, and has always been a source of comfort to me. She has replaced that mother figure, but I still feel a great sadness over it. I hope one day that it dissipates.
I hear U Lisabee, my story is so much the same. Yes scapegoat sounds right. We are so much stronger & can thrive WITHOUT these harmful creeps
It hurts a lot to know my mother doesn't like me and the rest of the family is behind her and all her crap 😢 it really hurts I feel so alone
Yes, yes, yes. Clarity at long last.
Once you break the yoke you can't go back. You will be treated worse!
I am SO excited I found you God speed 🙌🏻🙌🏻
Amen! Welcome!! Glad to have you here.
Ask whats influencing young adults to estrange from parents who never were abusive but very giving and loving. Maybe too much is expected from parents.
Thank you for this video. I have stepped away from my family. I talk with my sister only because of our mom.
You're welcome. Sounds like you made a wise decision.
Yup I had that quest of “what’s next” 19:14
thank you for the guidance-- I called my sister out on this, as long as my communications are ignored she is good, as long as she can say or do anything to me she wants to do we are good. She tells me she loves me. BUT she is a liar!!
I had to recognize that there never was closeness. Constant using and betrayal. Couldn’t be anywhere around them. Tired of being told….but that happens in families. Nope, no more.
Yes. Glad i came across your page
My mom i did not talk to for three years until a funeral. She act like everything was good . Sucked me in and boom same evil person. She text 1000 words per min when upset its unreal
I finally had enough and cut off. What can i do to stay that way, not feel guilty.
Wish I found this so much earlier.
Thank you, your advice has been helpful.
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome.
Ms. Hill,
Thank you for this session! Very informative! Many family members let me go years ago and I tried to stay connected in some way. Now I forgive and let go. I remain open to clinical intervention. Unfortunately, I feel most black individuals and families need therapy. Perhaps, this is due to the unconscious effects of slavery.