A midlife crisis in my mid-30s
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 24 мар 2023
- Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis in your 30s? It turns out, from my research, the answer is yes (for women).
I think I'm having one.
When I was younger I was supremely confident about what my 30s would look like. And now I'm in my mid-30s I'm kind of worried I'm not where I'm meant to be. Did I make all the right choices up to now? Why does it look like other women my age have succeeded so much better?
Also: I'm terrified that I'm about to become an Invisible Woman. (I always coasted on my looks, but now weird things -- wrinkles, some fat -- are happening, and I didn't invite them. I'm now becoming known as 'Madame' instead of 'Mademoiselle' for god's sake!)
I'm now in full reassessment mode. And I'm bringing you along for the musings on it. But fear not: I'm having a cold, hard look at my aging angst in the cold, hard packed slopes of the French Alps. Skiing metaphors on aging!
** Shot on an iPhone, edited on an iPad with LumaFusion **
Music via Artlist.io
- "Little Things" by ANBR
- "Are You Ready" by Castle Heist
- "Baby I'm Stuck in a Cone" by Ge Filter Fish
- "When I Get There" by Maya Isacowitz
Bonjour Aida~ oh boy! This video is a doozy. (I’m an American with funny petite mots like”doozy”). I’m nearly 56 and I’m here to tell you that as gravity takes hold of the body more and more, the well of wisdom you’ve stored over the years starts to overflow. You realize all those things that were so important back in the day hold little meaning now. This is so great when you stop caring that you can no longer wear sleeveless outfits. Who cares?! Something happens in the mind that is so liberating, it’s hard to explain but this must be what wisdom is. 😅 As your physical warranty expires, your mind is open and more forgiving. Liberte 🎉George Bernard Shaw once wrote “ youth is wasted on the young.” No truer words were ever spoken (or written, as is the case). I say, whatever stage in life you’re in, make the most of everyday. If you’re unhappy with a decision you’ve made, undo it. Don’t expect anyone to undo those decisions for you. You are the master of your domain. 🤘🏻😎love your videos. Thank you 🙏
I'm not sure that gravity taking hold of me is such a good thing. I'm starting a struggle with it right now. I hear you that priorities will shift as I get older... but right now it's pretty hard to let go of what I thought I knew from the past couple of decades! But thank you for your words. Some stuff to think on (and look forward to) there!
Ahhh, at 56 i know those thoughts and questions well.. Ultimately I think the only thing we can measure ourselves by we can find in our own past... are we doing better than we were before, are we growing and doing pretty ok with our lives. As far as the future goes, the bar is always moving, always changing, as it should. We need this discomfort for growth and it keeps life from getting boring. And there is no right or wrong choice although i must add that the "right" choices feel REALLY good -but its a temporary "hit" of feel good- before the bar moves again. The "wrong" choices cause the greatest growth...
If the bar keeps moving as we advance on the future, how can we even get a decent drink?? (joke) I appereciate your words there, which give me some things to chew on. It is true that growing, evolving lets us explore new paths, new ways of being. I just wish that, while doing that, some of my past paths don't get closed off. Multiplicity. I want it all. I want to those "hits" of feeling good -- past, present and future.
I am loving your videos Aida and I think you will always be the cool kid!!!! I think your feelings about your 30’s are valid, but I have found as you get older you stop worrying about how others perceive you and focus more on the things that really matter to you. You can still be cool, dress well and do cool things, but you will only do them if they really matter to you. I also think society and « biological panic « lead people into having children when they shouldn’t. There are plenty of humans in the world and your life will be great either way.
That's a thoughtful response (and thanks for the cool compliment). It would be gratifying to think that the perceptions of others matter less as one ages, though that would be quite a shift to happen. Being more centred as one goes on - I can hope!
Hi Aida, since you asked for advice from an older person, let me give you some "sobering" thoughts from mid-50s. Perhaps let me express the gist in abstraction (I know French are great at it): life consists of symmetries.
You can either stay mildy anxious or become blissfully free, depending on the price you pay. For the former, you need no crisis slapping you. But for the latter, you need an abruptly adverse occasion of life thrashing you very hard, like full-scale IRS investigation lasting a year or two, your in-law being jailed and you do your absolute best to get him/her out. It must be of such magnitude as to make you say afterwards "what the hell, do your worst" to just about anything that happens to you. Then, congrats, you've just joined the rarefied club of "been there, done that." (I know, real life's adventure does not occur as in Indiana Jones or Mission Impossible movies but in prosecutions, betrayals, investment losses, tax audits, family troubles, mais c'est la vie.)
You'd rather live without the drama? Sorry, this is not your choosing. Then why am I telling you this? To suggest you a frame of mind in advance. In after years should troubles rise to cloud the blue of sunny skies (knock on woods), just remeber you've earned the right to join the club of complete freedom soon afterwards. Things will be hectic, but you will manage, get stronger by day and emerge unscathed, trust me. On the other hand, if nothing like that happens to you, voilà, that was the life you have wished for. So you are good either way.
Of course, there is a symmetry to the above: if a drama happens, that was not what you wanted, and if nothing happens, you keep living with anxiety. You are not good either way. But now that you know, you can pick the right side of symmetry in your mindset - i.e., half-full rather than half-empty, as your mindset is up to you.
Sorry for my long windedness - I am a Korean and English has never been easy for me. I very much enjoy your great channel and I think French "politeness" in fact has very much in common with Korea's #1 import from ancient China: Confucianism. Its 4 tenets are: compassion (pity), fairness (justice), respect (politeness) and wisdom (judgment). I am your channel's fan (on my first day!), Napoleon and Rousseau are still my heroes, and hope to understand the infinitely alluring French mind! Thank you.
Some valuable advice then that I'll take on board, reflect upon. Thank you for taking so much time to set out your thoughts and experience. I hope that you get through your own travails OK.
And I appreciate learning about the Confucianism approach to politeness - much to learn there.
I remember this feeling when I was in my mid- to late thirties, and someone told me that she once feared turning 40 but then discovered her 40s were the best years of her life, and then experienced the same thing in her 40-50s. I tried to hold on to that as I grew older, reminding myself that things might be really great. In many ways, they have been. I’m now 54 (! I am? !) and many younger people seem to see me as a “cooler” old lady 😅 Many are surprised when I tell them my age. I still love the things I’ve always loved, but I also appreciate much more who I am. That may be the secret to being okay with one’s aging - still feeling like yourself but having greater appreciation for all that it means. I imagine you as a “cool” old lady with a youthful energy and great sense of humor. You got this!
That raises the question: is the fear of turning 40 an irrational one, built up in one's mind, to find it's not such a big deal when you get there? You sound like you've cracked some sort of secret to be the cooler "old lady". I think I''ll always have my energy, which comes from my curiousity, no matter what the age. The elusive part, for me, is feeling that it's less important what people think of me. Probably a character flaw on my part -- but I can still blame that on youth, right?
I think the answer to your questions are right in front of you… in choosing to make these insightful and different videos to express yourself. The happiness you derive from asking all those questions is a kind of answer to your question I’d guess. I find it’s amusing to see how the French are burning Paris over the retirement age being lifted to 62. Here it’s like 70! Anyhow, I’ve never discovered any crystal clear answers - I think the answer is to just enjoy perfect moments in each day and be content with that. So good luck, and thanks for your videos! ❤
Enjoying daily perfect moments sounds like a good recipe, at least to stay anchored in the benefits of here and now and not constantly projecting into the future. And thanks for calling my videos insightful! Maybe, at least, that's one quality I've been able to develop as age and stop to consider the path traveled, the point I'm at, and where I'm going.
Staying in decent shape to have energy to do stuff is the hardest part, otherwise I think 30s-50s could be the best part of your life.
Does skiing (badly) count for staying in shape? Haha. You'll see that I sensibly counterbalanced that with a drink or three at the après bar. 30s-50s are the best part? It's a gamble. I hope you're right. In any case: no choice but to believe!
@@amusingaida Downhill skiing is pretty nice as gravity does most of the work, I guess cross country skiing is a better indicator 😅
That “snow angel is not working” bit is funny
I had a crisis in my 30s. It’s all an illusion. In summary, I embraced my own mediocrity and found that liberating. I just take each day as it comes. I also quit drinking and that helped. Yeah, and having kids has been good. I know it’s not for everybody. I am just so busy with them. Maybe before having kids I had time on my hands to ruminate, but now I just don’t have the time.
I'm getting a few comments suggesting that giving up drinking is key. Has it come to that?
@@amusingaida Definitely, Definitely give up drinking as early as possible. Always make time to exercise (I haven't but it is a difference maker when you get older). Since you have decided not to have children, don't try to be everything to everybody socially. Instead, really concentrate on people who have similar interests and that you have deeper connections with. They will be your rock/s in the future. Try to nurture and maintain these friendships as it is much harder to make meaningful relationships as the years go by. Many of the people that you might be tight with now that have children will become more insular and focus more on their kids, and grandkids and even their ageing parents.
I was born in 1965 and am actually pretty good at hitting it off with many young people but it can get frustrating because at times I take it for granted that they are able to relate to how life was back in "the good old days" even if i have to explain it to them. Forget it. It will become painfully obvious that they cant.
My best advice is don't take those deeper and more enjoyable connections for granted because as they disappear and diminish over time (and its seem to accelerate) they really don't get replaced and isolation and loneliness can creep in which starts to suck if you were used to being a social butterfly. You're really good at travelling so maybe just start doing more slow travel and even slower travel if necessary to keep regenerating social bonds.
It's cool you have this blog because you can also lean on this for about a million good reasons.
Glad to know I’m not the only one ❤
Some sage advice there, and you've obviously given a lot of thought to what you wrote. I appreciate the time and especially the insight you've generously shared. And I agree: there is an inordinate weight on women to rely on looks to navigate society. I'm no doubt guilty of pressing that too -- at least in the realm of RUclips and appearing before a camera. But as you rightly point out, our self-worth needs to be broader and more varied than that. I hope that I'm doing enough to expand those other horizons. I refuse to have superficiality reign over my life. But questions still persist about how well I'm doing at that, and indeed how I compare to peers. I wish for greater self-confidence, though I realize that is earned, not wished into existence. Where that fails, however, yes -- there is still humor!
i just found you and am literally binge watching all your videos. such an entertaining channel, hope you produce more!
Hi -- that's gratifying, and humbling, to hear. Thanks so much! I have plans for more videos, just need to find the time....
Very much enjoying your videos (just found tonight). Love Paris, always stay in 13th by 5th. Will try some of your suggestions when there in late Sept. About the life stuff: it's always will be like this. 20's , 30's 40's, etc. It's the comparing with expectations from yourself and from others. You seem to have a good sense of self so trust that. I did have kids after thinking i never wanted any (had at age 34, 38, 41) and it's been both joyful and painful. But what isn't? My friends with no kids feel the same. Just be open to everything, don't shut a door that may bring happiness whatever it is. You are doing great--and it's always good to reflect on your life every so often! Keep on going with your RUclipss.
Thank you -- for watching the videos and for taking the time to share a comment on them. (And that's a good spot: the 13th bordering the 5th, well done.) I'm hearing you on your experience having kids. And for pursuing happiness. I think in my case, I'm on a good path to happiness, and it happens to be sans enfants. So all good. But you can be sure there will be more reflections on life to come!
Don’t worry Aida You will be fine ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Firstly, I love your effervescent personality, and I don’t think that age will dampen that part of your spirit. I’m about to enter my 46th year, and let me tell you, the grey hairs bother me sometimes, but then other times I remember what a privilege it is to grow old enough to have grey hairs. I don’t like the aches and pains that I am experiencing, but I know I just have to get off my butt and get moving. I have three kids, aged 24, 16 and 13, so I understand your hesitancy to commit to having children, it’s the rest of your life, but it doesn’t define you. Some days, I feel like I’m still a teenager, other days I feel like I’m a thousand years old, but I’m a dreamer, and I love to laugh, and I’m sure there are people who think I’m immature, but, guess what? I don’t care what they think. I was read something that resonates with me still, ‘what other people think of you is none of your business!’ I repeat this to myself when I feel a bit insecure. Perhaps this could become a bit of a mantra for women as we age, or even when we are younger.
I hear you on so much you say there. And thank you for the nod to whatever my on camera personality is. And I think being a dreamer is the best aspiration there is.
Seems like you're doing alright from the outside, you've done and seen a lot as your younger self had hoped, but I definitely understand the feeling. Hard to know what's "enough."
It feels like we're all feeling our way along this path called Life... and the path itself keeps shifting and buckling as we move along it. Yeah, overall I feel like I'm doing OK, and have done a lot. But I also see how much more there is to do out there... and sometimes it feels like I missed a crossroads along the way!
A man approaching 50 and those stationary ledged (whatever they are called) .. feels like everything is standing and kind of so purposeless .. damn ... love your stories ... love from Barcelona and Delhi
Glad to hear you're enjoying my little vlogs, my musings on life and France....
As a 48 year old who decide not to have children, I can tell you it was the BEST decision I ever made. Pretty much every day I realize how lucky I was to have dodged that bullet. 😊
That's great! You worked out your path and it brought its rewards
This is what I think many of us love about you, Aida: your candor. But to me, your questions raise more questions. Where does family figure in your life? It seems to me from watching the vid about your parent's boat that family is central to who you are. Aren't kids our legacy in this world? Mind you, I, myself, don't have them, so what do I know. And of course, finding the right person to have them with is everything. So I hope you will keep meeting people and seeing the world and that the answers will come. We want only the best for you, Aida!
This video, and I guess all of them, are taking an inside-looking-out view of things. I'm not really going to bring family into it, because what I'm talking about is more universal than just what's happening in my world. Even if it is a vlog. I'm happy to hear that candor is being well received, and seeing the world really is an enlightening experience!
Speaking as a 62 year old, we make choices that put us on a path to have opportunities, both personal and professional. For me, the really significant ones - maybe six in my life were almost or entirely happenstance. The rest is just “learn as you go.”
I applaud you for choosing happiness over the career that wasn’t doing it for you. I just made that decision myself. I am a slow learner!
My wife and I love your videos and think you are delightful. Keep your eyes open - you never know what’s next. You’re just getting started.
Thanks for the insight. For me the balance between fate (´happenstance') and agency is key. I'm a lifelong learner, and enjoy adaptation a lot, but still want to believe I have an oar in the current and am able to steer, after a fashion, even if imperfectly. I'm so happy you and your wife are enjoying my humble videos!
Our to put it another way - we make our own luck. Bon Courage!
Haha, 30's sounds great to me. Over the years it rarely turns out the way we plan it. I made so many wrong choices. So, I learned to go with the flow. And, don't forget, it's about the journey. However, I feel it's good to set some goals and take steps towards them. ~ You seem great!💗
30s sounds great to me.... I'm now worried thet worrying about my 30s is robbing me of the pleasure of my 30s! (Only half-joking there.) I totally get that people further along this mortal coil see the 30s as a great, youthful time. From my perspective, though, it's to be compared with my wilder 20s. Maybe one fear is that all that frenzied energy of the 20s is proof of life, and my changing tastes and mode of living in my 30s still feels a bit too stately, less representative of my 'inner child'.
Bonjour Mademoiselle Aida :) One of my friends was going through a similar "crisis" recently and I offered her some advice. I told her to uncouple her physical appearance from her self-identity as much as possible. Society seems to tell us that our physical appearance is of paramount importance: we are bombarded with advertisements for beauty products and the latest fashions, attractive people get more attention on social media and dating apps and there is the old saying that "first impressions last." But we are never really in control of our physical appearance, sure we can fine tune it, but to a large degree it depends on genes and luck. And it will inevitably decline.
I have heard some older women complaining about being becoming "invisible" to men. In their younger days they relied heavily on their physical attractiveness to get the attention of men and it is no longer working for them. They sound sad, bitter and angry, but it doesn't have to be like that. I can tell from your videos that you are intelligent, thoughtful and have a quirky (and perhaps mischievous?) sense of humour, and I'm sure you have many other great attributes as well. Let them form the bulk of your self-identity, because unlike your beauty, they will never fade.
Bravo..Jaime bien ta philosophie. Ce n’est jamais trop tard quand même. Attends j’ai 74 ans et je trouve tous les jours de nouvelles expériences….bonnes et mauvaises bien sûr. La vie se déroule comme il faut et la pire des choses est de gaspiller son temps…ce que tu ne fais pas. Alors bravo et bonne continuation ! Michel
@@David-xh6cm tu as la bonne attitude, je pense - et l'expérience à l'épreuve !
Our Mid-30's Lets Us Know That We Are In Early Middle-Age. 💯
I'm working through it. And yes, you're right, I should follow up with an update. But right now I can say that I'm really happy with my life.
@@amusingaida Right On, Because I'm In My Mid-30's Too, And Time Reminds Me That 40 Is Right Around The Corner Too. So That's Why I Had To Wake Up Within Myself & Starting Putting My Life Into The Proper Perspective & Start Maturing. 💯
You mention that you are having an internal discussion about the possibility of having children. I would like to share a bit of my own personal journey here, in the hope that it might offer a different perspective for your consideration.
As a male, I cannot speak to your concerns directly, but only as an observer. We can never really know what others truly feel as opposed to what image of themselves they project, so I've never been entirely sure of where I sit on the 'weird scale', but my mother once told me that I was always an 'old man in a child's body', so I may be pretty far out there on the tail of that Bell curve...:)
After much thought, in my mid-teens I came to the conclusion that the battle of 'Self Interest vs Greater Good' was going to end in a stalemate and we would stumble into a climate crisis of some sort and so it appears. At that time I decided that I couldn't see a future world where my child might reasonably expect to have a better life and thus I didn't think children was a reasonable choice. When I turned 20, and was finally able to find a doctor who would agree to perform the procedure, I had a vasectomy.
There are a lot of very personal considerations in making the (active) choice to not have or not have children. I got a lot of push back on my choice from parents, family, & friends, but I have never regretted it.
Whatever you decide for your future, if you are at peace with your choice, it is the right choice for you.
warmest regards - rick bradner
Hi, and wow, that is one of the most heartfelt, open comments I've had. I can see you've thought hard and long about what you wrote, and it speaks to a great debate that went on in you. A lot of people might jump a little at the idea of making a momentous choice at age 20, but that probably discounts the lucidity many of us can dedicate to thinking through personal pathways, at whatever age. Also, for a man, that procedure is far from irreversible; it essentially brings the balance of choice more toward your own inclination, and less away from 'accidents'. So thank you for your courage in opening up like that. Myself, though on a different pathway, with a different mix of considerations, I too am happy with the choices I'm making, have made. Above all, I'm happy having agency in life, which I guess for me is the most defining characteristic.
Well as a 32 year old man ive started to feel that i wish i was traveling more. And also i do want a wife and kids but im single and have been for 4 years soon and i dont really date..
I just assumed you had a partner and that was the one filming? is that not the case? Either way if you are single or not or want a family or not just try to like you said live life and maybe spend some more time pondering over if you want to really live freely without kids or to have a warm and cosy family. You can still travel, have dinners, do alot of things it will just be different..
Anyway like the deep topic of this video.
Keep up the good work and greetings from Sweden.
Travel is a bug that should be given free rein. I think on kids my mind is made up. I love the direction my life has now. And yes, more videos of deep subjects on the horizon!
This channel is gonna blow up kid, great work😘🧔🏻.
Actually, no. I kind of know what I would have to do to blow up the channel, but not willing to do a Greatest Hits revival circuit. I'm more interested in doing RUclips on my iconoclastic terms, the algorithm be damned.
There is no such thing as getting old. The body ages of course, but the mind does not, it simply matures and becomes more powerful. How? If you think about any problem, your more mature mind can view a clearer path to your destination. We're all going to the same destination, that part is not optional, the difference is that a clear mind finds a smoother road to enjoy the ride, where as a confused one steers one onto a bumpy road. What is a smoother road? Live for today, enjoy the moment and appreciate every little detail of your path. Now, go on and live! En passant, superbes vidéos, j'aime bien ton sourire charmant et tes beaux yeux pleins de vie. Salut!
Maturity is a vintage out of reach for me. And that, at any age. But that aside, I love your comments about the vidéos, much appreciated!
I'm a 58, cisgender female. I've been where you are. Life will get better when you stop caring how others perceive you. While aging in Western culture is tough on women, I'd never be young and stupid again for all the money in the world. I've grown to like the person I've become. I bet you will like who you become too. 😏
It's reassuring to hear that it might get easier. If I'm honest, I can't say that the perception of others doesn't matter. But you pain a picture of a better future.
The wall is undefeated.
@@user-ug7ur5ou5e go back to your Incel channel
In my opinion women don’t fade faster; we are held to an impossible standard. Men have a very low bar by comparison.
You may have something there. The eye of the beholder, and differentiated social norms. I guess part of that is that women are more often held to a standard of beauty (even by other women), while men, who can be as well, are also held to a standard of economic status, which can also fade but on a longer timeline..... Bref, food for thought!
@@amusingaida That’s true. There are many different standards in life. I was thinking of your comment in the video referring to appearance. Just look at the male protagonists in movies compared with female. A male heartthrob can have almost no muscular tone, even a big belly, and wear baggy pants with a suit coat whereas the women would never hold a leading role looking like that unless it was the focus….how this poor hag turned her life around or some such nonsense. 🙄😄
I think times have changed, or at least are a-changing
I had my super peak from 30 to 35😁
So from now on it really is downhill?
You can make the best of it😁@@amusingaida
I'm 39 and I intend to lie and say that I'm 36 for another few years to feel better 😂
Lying is a most human trait, so there's no guilt there!
No kids, you are my hero. :) And have fun in Les Trois Vallées.
Well, having no kids is a choice, and a personal one. And in my case it's still a dilemma between not wanting that imposition on my life and knowing that the fork in the road in speeding down on top of me when the choice becomes definitive.
As for Les 3 Vallées : it was great. Less snow than last year (despite the snowfall seen in the video), but I am slowly improving on my skis.
An interesting vid and a departure from your usual fare but we all get 'Existential' from time to time. A couple of other people have commented that as you get older you give less of a F&%k which helps :) When I reached my early 50's I discovered meditation, yes I know the silly old fool with his special robes, prayer beads and essential oils, but it gives perspective because you discover that 90% of what your brain thinks is in fact complete garbage so it helped me to ignore a lot of the things you are listing here. Getting older is not easy to deal with psychologically but you are still a beautiful woman 'Madame'
For your next vid I am looking forward to a 10 hour discourse on the varied teachings of the great French philosophers while you smoke a pipe and look out of the window thoughtfully. :)
I do have "musing" in my channel name. Yeah, some breezy travel insights but also these reflections on the lighter (or darker) states of being are part of the fare here. I'm happy to hear that existentialism is not a French monopoly. And I sincerely am touched to see these theme getting to many thoughtful replies. I'm not alone in thinking/worrying/struggling with this! Meditation sounds like it worked as a solution for you. I've dabbled a bit, but also have other mental occupations that keep me on an even keel (cooking is one of them).
I could definitely do a video about French philosophers! But might skip the pipe bit....
@@amusingaida It could get complicated if you mention Monsieur Magritte :). I have watched all of your vids and they are very enjoyable, have you thought of doing an ASMR vid?
You do not need anybody's advice because there is only one of you in this world, you are unique and everybody else has different circumstances than you. You appear to be a well centered lady. Be thankful, and continue to search for the treasure at the end of the rainbow. Remember is not the destination, but the journey. Enjoy . . .
Thank you, and doubly thanks for understanding the individuality of experience and reflection. I appreciate the thoughts
You should have children you would be a great mother
Thanks for the vote of confidence. My own path though is leading to happy options (for me) that don't go in that direction