I agree. The problem with managing expectations too much, however, is that you can become a doormat like I used to be, or slightly be here, and there or for awhile if it's for that situation. This is actually where managing expectations can be a lifesaver because you finally realized that you're in this hopeless situation and it's time to move on. HOWEVER...THERE IS FINE LINE between covert contract and reasonable expectations.. I got to a point where I lowered my expectations enough where I lowered the bar into the Center of the Earth's core.. I WON'T DO THAT TO MYSELF AGAIN. and I'm not even talking about romance really but a bad friendship and a bad family situation I got out of recently. The way out, she says halfway through the video, is to assertively confront. I agree! It's better than a trade off of silent treatments or whatever...I'm too old for that shit at 47!
"Anyone can be angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy." -Aristotle
Lovev's life true love Never die I know a great and powerful healer that can get back your ex or crua without delay Just forever within 48hours he helped me too immediately
The old phrase "once, shame on you.....twice shame on me" Depending on a friend to show up at an agreed-to time and place..... when they have stood you up 3 times before.... Check your expectations hits the nail on the head. Why do I keep expecting different/better behavior when this friend continues to drink to the point of not remembering commitments. This says more about ME trying to make someone be who they are not.......
I’ve been following you for a few weeks and all I’m hearing makes huge sense to me. I grew so much, you built that confidence in me, this understanding of people around me, that make my everyday much better and fulfilled. Thank you for teaching me to be the person that I am today. That makes my everyday more meaningful, complete and joyful. Thanks, Julia! Everyone needs a guiding light to bring the best of her/him! Thank you for being that North Star for me, for us!❤️⭐️
I think a big part of not being emotionally reactive to someone in conflict is about dropping what you think you're 'supposed' to feel. We're conditioned to think that someone being aggressive towards you justifies the same thing back, almost like it's a given and you have full permission to be angry. But if we drop that conditioning, we can choose to respond in the best way.
Renew your mind to overcome the anger. This causes the conditioning to fall away. You will start overcoming “your” emotions, which are controlling you , and start acting instead of reacting. Btw no such thing as emotional intelligence, emotional stupidity would be far more accurate
I think we always have permission to be angry, but how we deal with that anger is what makes the difference. By making anger "not okay" you are basically pressing it into the shadow because you reject that angry part of yourself.
I stand my ground: After 65 years of living, 2 things stand out: 1) In the end, despite all the "social norms" intense bantering claims exist, I was the sole rider in whatever "Calvary" came to my rescue... right down the line, to present day... 2) Over those 65 years, I've noticed more & more, a distinct underlying psychosis pervading almost every aspect of social interaction... The only difference now is it's almost "worn on their sleeve as a badge of honor" whereas 50+ years ago, it was much more hidden, still there, but more covertly expressed. No one talked about it then, almost like they were ashamed of the reality that it even existed... If you calmly & steadfastly assert your boundaries, but they constantly get pushed, tested, &/or blatantly stomped... at that juxtaposition, there is no choice but to quietly DOORSLAM: they, by their own actions, have made their intentions crystal clear, & I'm not having it!!! I have more self-respect, integrity, SELF-LOVE, & honor, to allow such balderdash to continue. I contend that ADDICTION TO APPROVAL....AT ANY COST, drives the vast majority of it, including gang tactics, bullying, racist superiorities, never mind all the psychosis allowed to perpetuate through "blind-eye tolerance" of the behaviour(s). In the end, you HAVE to stand for something...or you'll fall for anything. I've reached my "Popeye Moment" where I just don't care anymore... Gray hair is NOT a sign of weakness...its a WARNING.💜
Thanks for this video Julia. I had a conflict today and it was the first time I didn't react, I found a place of neutrality and I'm proud of myself for following what you said in another video on passive aggressive people "I'm sensing you're feeling this way, can we talk about it?" I let the other person cry their all or nothings at me. And it felt like I was watching a movie, I managed to see that they were saying these hurtful things not because of me, but because they have a lot of inner negativity to deal with. Do these openings ring a bell "You always dismiss me... You never listen...", "I listen to people even though I don't want to, so I expect that of you too"? I can't change how this person behaves, but I can try to control myself.
Great video. I got 4 of the 5 ways. I must have missed one. 1. Get curious 2. Managing your mind around what happened 3. Check your expectations 4. Ask questions first 5. ? Thank you for this valuable info! Always looking for ways to find effective communication skills!
Ahhh yes! SO many of my clients are conflict avoidant. It can feel so hard to deal with the discomfort that comes up here. I love the way you describe this!!
I really had forgotten who I am. I am realizing more everyday just how much was my own choices. You speak well when it has to do with such deep levels of .
This is a good beginning! Can you speak more to those of us who just lack skills so we fear conflict? Can you also speak to those of us who feel intimidated and act out in defense? How do I control the intense vulnerable reaction that goes with being intimidated?
I really appreciated the idea of: more closeness with someone = more friction with them Or how avoiding conflict = bringing up conflict in the future So it's best to try to "resolve in a more productive way"! Thank you for your videos!
I find either I don't say anything at all or I'm mad and let the person know that. I'm thinking about my work colleagues and how I don't want to feel awkward around them but I also need to stand up for myself as they are treating me with no respeact. I'm lucky to have a supportive team manager however, the same people keep repeating their bad behaviour. I would normal not waste my time on people like this but I enjoy my work and don't want to leave.
Hi. I am Dr. Michelle. I am totally on board with everything you say. It’s just amazing how people like you are so helpful to everyone!! In this time of the Pandemic, I as a health care worker have a lot of background stress and anxiety going on as anyone else whether or not a part of this fraternity. I request you to make a video on how to recognise and deal with the background stress and anxiety because we feel fine otherwise but our bodies show all the signs of anxiety like sleeplessness, GI symptoms, body aches, loss of appetite, etc.
Managing our own minds, emotions, and perceptions will help with dealing conflict better. It not about changing the other person, it's about changing how we respond
I absolutely love this video. Is so helpful I can't even start! Also I love how you frame and communicate your ideas. With clarity but also compassion. I love you Julia.thx a lot
I’m back. Hello. I survived off all your videos and insight last year. Now it’s time to continue to grow and learn more. Thanks for shining light on serious “issues”!
Wow....so I know I’m going to have to listen to this a few more times. 😲....I sure needed this right now..and it feels like I came across this video at the precise time I was meant to fully hear and internalize it. All I have to say is THANK YOU again Julia🌞. Your words and perspective have been so refreshing and reaching me on so many levels. You Rock!! ❤️♥️👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻
Julia thank you for your video and yesterday's mental wealth masterclass! I took away so many things to ponder on and reflect. I hope you have a blessed day ❤ 🤙☺
@@juliakristinamah Honestly I am struggling with positive things and I feel iam not engaging enough....I am planting the seeds of self-acceptance and compassion everyday. I feel a little spark beginning to grow the feel one day at a time. I know my inner fire has dampened over time 😞. Julia, I am so grateful for having found you. I ❤ being a SHIFTER and soo soo proud!! SINCERELY Blessed Be 🤙Doreen Iyvonne 😁
great thoughts on this... how to deal with people that cant deal with conflict at all.. or so defensive people that even this would seem like your words were a personal attack on them...
I tend to mirror people to much, its almost subconscious at times. It gets me into trouble i have this little devil on my shoulder that says if they judge you, judge them, if they disrespect you dont respect them. Thats done more consciously, but im a direct person, but tend to turn passive agressive when people are passively aggressive to me. It never ends well because people dont like to be mirrored ive realized. I even will do that when i see someone I care about being treated poorly, i tend to be overly protective instead of letting the person defend themselves, i jump in. Its probably me projecting idk or maybe assumption. Probably because i always wanted someone to defend me when i was young. I also have been manipulated and gaslighted so many times that im defensive against it.
🤗 Defining, Refining, and Taking Accountability for Yourself Builds Trust in Yourself, Others Can Trust who you Are, and adjacently trusting who they are with you! Building Kindness and Truly Authentic Love 💕 GRATEFUL
I try so hard to keep the peace.. Last year in November thanksgiving was one of the worst, I’m always on egg shells around my son. He’s 30 and has so much anger, anxiety, depression won’t sit down and talk about his feelings. I’ve asked him to please move forward be positive
Julia, around the 11 minute mark you talk about knowing that what you’re going to do is likely to hurt someone but you’re going to do it anyway, and how that is related to not caring. I think that it’s possible to care very much and realize that we can’t always please other people and we need to do what’s best for ourselves in some situations despite how it might impact somebody else, fill well knowing and caring thar it is like going to cause discomfort in the other person. I think our own discomfort is a great messenger and when we prevent other people from ever experiencing any discomfort then we are taking away opportunities for them to learn.
Hello Julia, This was a very timely debrief for my conflict of the day which didn't end as desired but did end as expected. This is one of those I'd like to avoid but I have to brave into for my own sanity and self respect. For the most part, I'm proud of the way I handled it but still needs improvement. The conflict reveals the truth I need to accept in order to stop myself from being deceived into supporting someone who in return willfully hurts me. Thanks for posting your videos they are very supportive and helpful.
Hi. This my third time watching one of your videos. Very critical information. I tend to be someone seeking resolution to conflict but not everyone is into it.
It's hard when it's someone very close to you, doing things for themselves, knowing how much it hurts me... but continues. Even though they said they wouldn't do it anymore. We have tried negotiating & that didn't work either. I've tried asking why they do this & they shut down and quit talking. I just found your site today. Hopefully you can help me more with my situation.
New here and interested in counselling and psychology (soon to become a professional counsellor)! I have a feeling I will learn lots of things in here! Loved today's topic, very relevant!
Stop... put yourself in the openets shoes ... How and what would you have done in reverse ... Conflict always seems more drastic initially ... First take a moment to analyse, assess, cool and then act ... you will be in a better situation then to deal with it without the smoke and heat you felt initially .. great vid Julia x
Asking someone "why did you do this" will be great with honest people, but when you are dealing with narcissists you only set yourself up to be gaslit and lied to unfortunately.
Hello. I’ve been following your channel for a few weeks now. However, this is the first time that I have commented. It all started with your video on codependency. However, I have found a lot of information that is very relevant to me! This video particularly caught my interest. In everyday casual situations I tend to be quick witted and have a fast mind. My issue is when I am confronted by anyone that is upset with me I freeze. My mind goes blank, I almost wouldn’t even be able to tell you my name in that moment. It’s like I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even think straight.
Don't give up on life and the universe I know of a great man who helped you me fix my broken hear beat relationship and everything was restored to pormal in days without delay
Same. It’s so hard. It makes it worse and drags on the conflict. I have to ask for space so I can get my mind back, figure out what was happening and what I want to say and even then it’s hard because I have so much guilt about making them wait and anxiety about getting back to them. I just get stuck. Usually for me this is only with people that are more high conflict and difficult though. I still freeze with all conflict, but manage somehow with the people that are not as emotional and stay calm.
Ms. Kristina, I think you make some really great points in this presentation. Boundaries are what keeps me safe physically, mentally and emotionally. While I think forgiveness is a great tool to have in your toolbox 🧰 of life, understanding the difference between forgiveness and forgetting are two different options. Forgiveness does not mean that someone did something intentionally, reckless or even unintentionally. I think it is a give of conflict management that you give yourself. Forgetting as to the same reasoning for forgiveness is similar and different at the same time. While I work on forgiveness as to a smear campaign that I did not deserve, the fall out is still there. My bleeding 🩸 ulcers and my heart say thank you. I am a work in process. I appreciate you and I am sending love ❤️ in humanity today to you. 🤔❤️🇺🇸
😊Hello I am New to these Videos and so glad to hear the Advice, I've been going through alot of situations with so called friends ,Relationships & my family over the pass 3 years where I've been hurt in the end , taken advantage of, intimidated, pursserd to the point where I have ackes & pains in my body, instead of being straight to the point with them I tried letting them down easy & explaining why & backing off slowly then feel guilty & worried if I've done wrong or hurt them which has been so tiring ,I need the change now to help me for me now ,so thank you 😊🙏
Great video about dealing with conflict! What if there is conflict between 2 people who have opposing ideas to go ahead with, and each of those people disagree with the idea of the other person?
I'm going through a Divorce,he is narcissistic and alcoholic,there was conflict all the time,and I was always the target of abuse,he got a felony for the last incident.My marriage was a living HELL.....
Thanks Julia for the great video! Is it possible to insert your tips somehow in the videos so that the viewers can utilize them better in their everyday life? It would be very helpful.🌱🌱 Thanks for that.💜 Greetings from Germany..
I wish I knew all this back in October. I was going through a family crisis and my bf at the time helped me get to a hotel room... Then he went home and apparently forgot all about what happened. I got triggered and had a meltdown. If I knew this stuff then, I likely would've handled myself differently.
Hey, I've taken the bait before. Don't beat yourself up. I'm literally in the same situation in the hotel room right now. Every time I've come to find that family can be the biggest set-up artists out there. It's called DARVO. Sadism includes blatantly scapegoating to look as if they're victims of you. Anyhow, 3 years ago I kind of went through exactly what you went through with the ex- lover on Christmas. Couchsurfing for 4 months (Till signed my next lease... I was on the waiting list for a pretty good place...well affordable and good). Look, I almost asked his side of the story because I tend to get skeptical when I hear something that extreme that someone is going through a family crisis of all things.. But our video presenter supporting you, is all but verifying that she has knowledge of your background with guy. (It sure as hell ain't because your looks lack, cute chick!) Family crisis with family from 3500 miles away...mainly ike the EX-sister from state nextdoor to my Phoenix! All suddenly they want to be bossy. Thankfully I went no contact. (After they put me in a lose/lose scenario. Virtually sabotaging me to a leasing office that was fortunately friendly.) I type from my hotel in Phoenix, and it's not a GF that let me down, but a scapegoating Mom from my native DC area In your case with your boyfriend and family it is tough to break the trauma Bond. I'm having to do it with. supposed former closefriend. ( my childhood pal would never choose this stuff to me!) Hang in there. But like myself, you'll get sick of getting their sloppy seconds Anfd I'm not talking about sex... talking about how you USED TO GET THEIR BEST... and now you get only the rest... And no I'm not talking about you being unrealistic and expecting a honeymoon phase again!
@@AZDC99 I'm sorry you're going through it. Try to be calm and follow the advice from this video. I still talk to the guy that did that, but he's permanently friendzoned.
How about when someone that you consider family gives their word about something work related that you planned and prepared for and then they choose and hire a stranger to do the job and intentionally lied to you because they realized they did you dirty? That feeling is a kick in the stomach . Yes. Out for what worked for them at the time. Yes. Very personal. " When people show you who they REALLY are.....believe them"
"Don't expect people to be any different than they have always been" is an incredibly true statement. It really is important to manage expectations.
This one is a true sanity saver.
I agree. The problem with managing expectations too much, however, is that you can become a doormat like I used to be, or slightly be here, and there or for awhile if it's for that situation. This is actually where managing expectations can be a lifesaver because you finally realized that you're in this hopeless situation and it's time to move on. HOWEVER...THERE IS FINE LINE between covert contract and reasonable expectations.. I got to a point where I lowered my expectations enough where I lowered the bar into the Center of the Earth's core.. I WON'T DO THAT TO MYSELF AGAIN. and I'm not even talking about romance really but a bad friendship and a bad family situation I got out of recently.
The way out, she says halfway through the video, is to assertively confront. I agree! It's better than a trade off of silent treatments or whatever...I'm too old for that shit at 47!
Wow your so right that's true
@@lisaarellano1512 but still hard to do!
Yes your right it is hard to do your so smart your right
"Anyone can be angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy." -Aristotle
Lovev's life true love Never die I know a great and powerful healer that can get back your ex or crua without delay Just forever within 48hours he helped me too immediately
+=2=3=4=8=0=7=0=7=6=8=9=9=2.
massage him on WhatsApp
Yes, well said, not sure what the other replies meant, nutters out there.
"It's not against you. It's for them."
The old phrase "once, shame on you.....twice shame on me" Depending on a friend to show up at an agreed-to time and place..... when they have stood you up 3 times before.... Check your expectations hits the nail on the head. Why do I keep expecting different/better behavior when this friend continues to drink to the point of not remembering commitments. This says more about ME trying to make someone be who they are not.......
I think it’s important to an extent to embrace conflict, it’s not always necessary a bad thing! Learning how to handle it is crucial ☺️
I’ve been following you for a few weeks and all I’m hearing makes huge sense to me. I grew so much, you built that confidence in me, this understanding of people around me, that make my everyday much better and fulfilled. Thank you for teaching me to be the person that I am today. That makes my everyday more meaningful, complete and joyful. Thanks, Julia! Everyone needs a guiding light to bring the best of her/him! Thank you for being that North Star for me, for us!❤️⭐️
that's a whole truth right there.
I think a big part of not being emotionally reactive to someone in conflict is about dropping what you think you're 'supposed' to feel. We're conditioned to think that someone being aggressive towards you justifies the same thing back, almost like it's a given and you have full permission to be angry. But if we drop that conditioning, we can choose to respond in the best way.
I agree - we get to decide what we want to think and how we want to react.
Renew your mind to overcome the anger. This causes the conditioning to fall away.
You will start overcoming “your” emotions, which are controlling you , and start acting instead of reacting.
Btw no such thing as emotional intelligence, emotional stupidity would be far more accurate
I think we always have permission to be angry, but how we deal with that anger is what makes the difference. By making anger "not okay" you are basically pressing it into the shadow because you reject that angry part of yourself.
It's called mirroring. We humans mirror emotions.
I stand my ground:
After 65 years of living, 2 things stand out:
1) In the end, despite all the "social norms" intense bantering claims exist, I was the sole rider in whatever "Calvary" came to my rescue... right down the line, to present day...
2) Over those 65 years, I've noticed more & more, a distinct underlying psychosis pervading almost every aspect of social interaction... The only difference now is it's almost "worn on their sleeve as a badge of honor" whereas 50+ years ago, it was much more hidden, still there, but more covertly expressed. No one talked about it then, almost like they were ashamed of the reality that it even existed...
If you calmly & steadfastly assert your boundaries, but they constantly get pushed, tested, &/or blatantly stomped... at that juxtaposition, there is no choice but to quietly DOORSLAM: they, by their own actions, have made their intentions crystal clear, & I'm not having it!!! I have more self-respect, integrity, SELF-LOVE, & honor, to allow such balderdash to continue.
I contend that ADDICTION TO APPROVAL....AT ANY COST, drives the vast majority of it, including gang tactics, bullying, racist superiorities, never mind all the psychosis allowed to perpetuate through "blind-eye tolerance" of the behaviour(s). In the end, you HAVE to stand for something...or you'll fall for anything. I've reached my "Popeye Moment" where I just don't care anymore... Gray hair is NOT a sign of weakness...its a WARNING.💜
Excellent! Understanding how to deal with conflict is an invaluable skill
absolutely. It's often uncomfortable, but we can learn how to work through it more smoothly.
Everything that you include on here is useful for me because I have been in the dark about so many things
Time to turn the lights on.
It's amazing how you seem to make videos on precisely those topics that I'm struggling with at the moment
Thank you!
I love that we're on the same page at the same time ;-)
So true, people are doing things for themselves not against us (majority of people at least) and our emotions get in the way - yes!
Thanks for this video Julia. I had a conflict today and it was the first time I didn't react, I found a place of neutrality and I'm proud of myself for following what you said in another video on passive aggressive people "I'm sensing you're feeling this way, can we talk about it?" I let the other person cry their all or nothings at me. And it felt like I was watching a movie, I managed to see that they were saying these hurtful things not because of me, but because they have a lot of inner negativity to deal with. Do these openings ring a bell "You always dismiss me... You never listen...", "I listen to people even though I don't want to, so I expect that of you too"? I can't change how this person behaves, but I can try to control myself.
Great video. I got 4 of the 5 ways. I must have missed one.
1. Get curious
2. Managing your mind around what happened
3. Check your expectations
4. Ask questions first
5. ?
Thank you for this valuable info! Always looking for ways to find effective communication skills!
Ahhh yes! SO many of my clients are conflict avoidant. It can feel so hard to deal with the discomfort that comes up here. I love the way you describe this!!
I really had forgotten who I am. I am realizing more everyday just how much was my own choices. You speak well when it has to do with such deep levels of .
This is a good beginning! Can you speak more to those of us who just lack skills so we fear conflict? Can you also speak to those of us who feel intimidated and act out in defense? How do I control the intense vulnerable reaction that goes with being intimidated?
I’m right with you!
I really appreciated the idea of:
more closeness with someone = more friction with them
Or
how avoiding conflict = bringing up conflict in the future
So it's best to try to "resolve in a more productive way"!
Thank you for your videos!
Thank you so much. You helped me understand my emotions and express my emotions in a much better way.
So glad you're here Fatima - keep doing that shifting!
Being assertive. And no assumption. Its bang on
I find either I don't say anything at all or I'm mad and let the person know that. I'm thinking about my work colleagues and how I don't want to feel awkward around them but I also need to stand up for myself as they are treating me with no respeact. I'm lucky to have a supportive team manager however, the same people keep repeating their bad behaviour.
I would normal not waste my time on people like this but I enjoy my work and don't want to leave.
Great. Wish I was taught this early,but am greatful to you Kristina. Where is the one on effective communication?
Hi. I am Dr. Michelle. I am totally on board with everything you say. It’s just amazing how people like you are so helpful to everyone!!
In this time of the Pandemic, I as a health care worker have a lot of background stress and anxiety going on as anyone else whether or not a part of this fraternity. I request you to make a video on how to recognise and deal with the background stress and anxiety because we feel fine otherwise but our bodies show all the signs of anxiety like sleeplessness, GI symptoms, body aches, loss of appetite, etc.
Managing our own minds, emotions, and perceptions will help with dealing conflict better. It not about changing the other person, it's about changing how we respond
Information so needed! This seems like a way to greatly improve my relationship with myself as well as with others.
Absolutely! Learning how to manage our minds helps us, helps our relationships and it makes the world a better place ;-)
You’re changing my life, Julia!! Bless your wonderful heart and talents 💛🙏🏼
You're changing your life - I'm just giving you the tools - you're the one picking them up and using them ❤️
I think I need to watch this video years ago. Thank you for sharing.
Great tips! I want to improve my communication skills when my expectations aren’t met from others.
I absolutely love this video. Is so helpful I can't even start! Also I love how you frame and communicate your ideas. With clarity but also compassion. I love you Julia.thx a lot
Beautifully stated! I love Julia too and feel the same way 😊🙏🏼
@@color2066 ^^ awesome
I so glad you found this helpful E DD - and thank you for your kind words - they mean a lot.
Wow, first timer... You are Awesome...Thank you for being here for all of us ❤️
This was soooo very helpful! Thank you for your easy to follow approach and reminding us all of our own empowerment! 🙏🏾
Really glad it connected Tish - I'm glad you're here working on these shifts with us.
I’m back. Hello.
I survived off all your videos and insight last year.
Now it’s time to continue to grow and learn more. Thanks for shining light on serious “issues”!
Thank you for this video Julia! Sometimes we forget these things and its nice to be reminded.
Brilliant Julia, such a great video once again! Love your good sense.
Not doing "something against us but for themselves ". That statement applys in so many different scenarios.
Good to keep in mind while driving.
@@Rob9mm that's funny, exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it!
I remind myself of this on a regular basis - it has saved me SO much unnecessary upset.
Wow....so I know I’m going to have to listen to this a few more
times. 😲....I sure needed this right now..and it feels like I came across this video at the precise time I was meant to fully hear and internalize it.
All I have to say is THANK YOU again
Julia🌞. Your words and perspective have been so refreshing and reaching me on so many levels.
You Rock!! ❤️♥️👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻
Ahhh Bekki! Such a powerful reminder about normalizing conflict and connection. Love that this found you at the right time!
Thank you for this as I struggle in how to manage conflict.
Great example about coming home to a disaster kitchen & assuming the worst without asking first...
Julia thank you for your video and yesterday's mental wealth masterclass! I took away so many things to ponder on and reflect. I hope you have a blessed day ❤ 🤙☺
Hey Shifter! So good to see you here. I hope your week is going well.
@@juliakristinamah Honestly I am struggling with positive things and I feel iam not engaging enough....I am planting the seeds of self-acceptance and compassion everyday. I feel a little spark beginning to grow the feel one day at a time. I know my inner fire has dampened over time 😞. Julia, I am so grateful for having found you. I ❤ being a SHIFTER and soo soo proud!! SINCERELY Blessed Be 🤙Doreen Iyvonne 😁
great thoughts on this... how to deal with people that cant deal with conflict at all.. or so defensive people that even this would seem like your words were a personal attack on them...
I tend to mirror people to much, its almost subconscious at times. It gets me into trouble i have this little devil on my shoulder that says if they judge you, judge them, if they disrespect you dont respect them. Thats done more consciously, but im a direct person, but tend to turn passive agressive when people are passively aggressive to me. It never ends well because people dont like to be mirrored ive realized. I even will do that when i see someone I care about being treated poorly, i tend to be overly protective instead of letting the person defend themselves, i jump in. Its probably me projecting idk or maybe assumption. Probably because i always wanted someone to defend me when i was young. I also have been manipulated and gaslighted so many times that im defensive against it.
I. Needed. To. See. This! Thank you Julia
Really glad it connected in an important way. Glad you're here for it.
Thanks 🙏 for the great video, Julia 😀. You are the BEST OF THE BEST.
🤗 Defining, Refining, and Taking Accountability for Yourself Builds Trust in Yourself, Others Can Trust who you Are, and adjacently trusting who they are with you!
Building Kindness and Truly Authentic Love 💕
GRATEFUL
I try so hard to keep the peace.. Last year in November thanksgiving was one of the worst, I’m always on egg shells around my son. He’s 30 and has so much anger, anxiety, depression won’t sit down and talk about his feelings.
I’ve asked him to please move forward be positive
Julia, around the 11 minute mark you talk about knowing that what you’re going to do is likely to hurt someone but you’re going to do it anyway, and how that is related to not caring. I think that it’s possible to care very much and realize that we can’t always please other people and we need to do what’s best for ourselves in some situations despite how it might impact somebody else, fill well knowing and caring thar it is like going to cause discomfort in the other person. I think our own discomfort is a great messenger and when we prevent other people from ever experiencing any discomfort then we are taking away opportunities for them to learn.
You chose the right profession 👌 Love your weekly advice!
Thank you so much for providing examples. It really helps to highlight how to apply these concepts.
I like to receive information on communication skills.Thank you for what you do.
Hello Julia,
This was a very timely debrief for my conflict of the day which didn't end as desired but did end as expected. This is one of those I'd like to avoid but I have to brave into for my own sanity and self respect. For the most part, I'm proud of the way I handled it but still needs improvement. The conflict reveals the truth I need to accept in order to stop myself from being deceived into supporting someone who in return willfully hurts me. Thanks for posting your videos they are very supportive and helpful.
Great
Content
Thank
You
Julia
Dun avoid
Mindset
Get curious
Most ppl r not against u
Check ur expectations. Dun be entitled.
Ask more q, talk more
Thank you! Very helpful and relatable explanations
Amazing information amazingly presented by an amazing woman!
Your videos indeed make that character shift for me in Great Mind Opening ways. With love from Kenya-Africa
I really appreciate your guidance. Thank you.
You're amazing. Thank you so much for doing this. 🙏
Hi. This my third time watching one of your videos. Very critical information. I tend to be someone seeking resolution to conflict but not everyone is into it.
So helpful Julia thank you!
Really glad it connected - thanks for your support Deena.
So needed this. Thank you.
I discovered you about a week ago. Serially listening and getting sooooooo much out of it:
It's hard when it's someone very close to you, doing things for themselves, knowing how much it hurts me... but continues. Even though they said they wouldn't do it anymore. We have tried negotiating & that didn't work either. I've tried asking why they do this & they shut down and quit talking. I just found your site today. Hopefully you can help me more with my situation.
Hi, I am Arun..it is really nice to listen to you...glad to have these videos..Thanks alot for that..
Great video. Loved the anecdote with your husband as an example.
New here and interested in counselling and psychology (soon to become a professional counsellor)! I have a feeling I will learn lots of things in here! Loved today's topic, very relevant!
Welcome my fellow Psyche lover ;-) Glad you're here - thanks for saying hello.
Hey... Here just to say hi to kristina, and thanks for your work 🥰🤗
Mama Bear and best friend here! Thank you again💞
always good to have you here.
Great story thank you for sharing ❤️
Excellent video.Thank you .
Sounds lovely, jeje ill think about it.. 😊 thanks for creating these vids
Thank you for all your help 👍Rickie
Thank You
Thank you for this video
Stop... put yourself in the openets shoes ... How and what would you have done in reverse ... Conflict always seems more drastic initially ... First take a moment to analyse, assess, cool and then act ... you will be in a better situation then to deal with it without the smoke and heat you felt initially .. great vid Julia x
BRILLIANT!!!
Love your channel.
I always appreciate your support Rick.
Julia can you record a video on how to become more assertive? I love your videos ❤️
Asking someone "why did you do this" will be great with honest people, but when you are dealing with narcissists you only set yourself up to be gaslit and lied to unfortunately.
Really need to hear this! ❤
Hello. I’ve been following your channel for a few weeks now. However, this is the first time that I have commented. It all started with your video on codependency. However, I have found a lot of information that is very relevant to me!
This video particularly caught my interest. In everyday casual situations I tend to be quick witted and have a fast mind. My issue is when I am confronted by anyone that is upset with me I freeze. My mind goes blank, I almost wouldn’t even be able to tell you my name in that moment. It’s like I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even think straight.
Don't give up on life and the universe I know of a great man who helped you me fix my broken hear beat relationship and everything was restored to pormal in days without delay
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Same. It’s so hard. It makes it worse and drags on the conflict. I have to ask for space so I can get my mind back, figure out what was happening and what I want to say and even then it’s hard because I have so much guilt about making them wait and anxiety about getting back to them. I just get stuck. Usually for me this is only with people that are more high conflict and difficult though. I still freeze with all conflict, but manage somehow with the people that are not as emotional and stay calm.
@@chooseaname1423 I get you!
I really love these !!
Ms. Kristina, I think you make some really great points in this presentation. Boundaries are what keeps me safe physically, mentally and emotionally. While I think forgiveness is a great tool to have in your toolbox 🧰 of life, understanding the difference between forgiveness and forgetting are two different options. Forgiveness does not mean that someone did something intentionally, reckless or even unintentionally. I think it is a give of conflict management that you give yourself. Forgetting as to the same reasoning for forgiveness is similar and different at the same time. While I work on forgiveness as to a smear campaign that I did not deserve, the fall out is still there. My bleeding 🩸 ulcers and my heart say thank you. I am a work in process. I appreciate you and I am sending love ❤️ in humanity today to you. 🤔❤️🇺🇸
😊Hello I am New to these Videos and so glad to hear the Advice, I've been going through alot of situations with so called friends ,Relationships & my family over the pass 3 years where I've been hurt in the end , taken advantage of, intimidated, pursserd to the point where I have ackes & pains in my body, instead of being straight to the point with them I tried letting them down easy & explaining why & backing off slowly then feel guilty & worried if I've done wrong or hurt them which has been so tiring ,I need the change now to help me for me now ,so thank you 😊🙏
Yes, I love you.
Thanks this helps a lot
I really like you. Thank you so much
Excellent
What about dealing with conflict with people you are not close to? A work colleague or perfect stranger.
is there a reason you think the same principles don't apply?
Well, pick your battle comes to mind. Should you fight if you're never gonna see them.
You're the best!
Appreciate the posting
Great video about dealing with conflict! What if there is conflict between 2 people who have opposing ideas to go ahead with, and each of those people disagree with the idea of the other person?
Great video ! Thank you !
I'm going through a Divorce,he is narcissistic and alcoholic,there was conflict all the time,and I was always the target of abuse,he got a felony for the last incident.My marriage was a living HELL.....
Thanks Julia for the great video!
Is it possible to insert your tips somehow in the videos so that the viewers can utilize them better in their everyday life?
It would be very helpful.🌱🌱
Thanks for that.💜
Greetings from Germany..
Very interesting stuff...
Hello. I love your videos.
So helpful!
I really appreciate this video. Could I have the link so I can practice this?
Wow you are great it's so nice to see your face I'm learning alot from you keep the videos coming ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hello again Julia.
Julia have you ever wrote a book? I'd love to read your work.
I wish I knew all this back in October.
I was going through a family crisis and my bf at the time helped me get to a hotel room... Then he went home and apparently forgot all about what happened. I got triggered and had a meltdown.
If I knew this stuff then, I likely would've handled myself differently.
Sending you love Khristi - I hope this helps for next time.
Hey, I've taken the bait before. Don't beat yourself up. I'm literally in the same situation in the hotel room right now.
Every time I've come to find that family can be the biggest set-up artists out there. It's called DARVO. Sadism includes blatantly scapegoating to look as if they're victims of you.
Anyhow, 3 years ago I kind of went through exactly what you went through with the ex- lover on Christmas. Couchsurfing for 4 months (Till signed my next lease... I was on the waiting list for a pretty good place...well affordable and good).
Look, I almost asked his side of the story because I tend to get skeptical when I hear something that extreme that someone is going through a family crisis of all things..
But our video presenter supporting you, is all but verifying that she has knowledge of your background with guy. (It sure as hell ain't because your looks lack, cute chick!)
Family crisis with family from 3500 miles away...mainly ike the EX-sister from state nextdoor to my Phoenix!
All suddenly they want to be bossy. Thankfully I went no contact. (After they put me in a lose/lose scenario. Virtually sabotaging me to a leasing office that was fortunately friendly.)
I type from my hotel in Phoenix, and it's not a GF that let me down, but a scapegoating Mom from my native DC area
In your case with your boyfriend and family it is tough to break the trauma Bond. I'm having to do it with. supposed former closefriend. ( my childhood pal would never choose this stuff to me!)
Hang in there. But like myself, you'll get sick of getting their sloppy seconds
Anfd I'm not talking about sex... talking about how you USED TO GET THEIR BEST... and now you get only the rest... And no I'm not talking about you being unrealistic and expecting a honeymoon phase again!
@@AZDC99 I'm sorry you're going through it. Try to be calm and follow the advice from this video. I still talk to the guy that did that, but he's permanently friendzoned.
How about when someone that you consider family gives their word about something work related that you planned and prepared for and then they choose and hire a stranger to do the job and intentionally lied to you because they realized they did you dirty? That feeling is a kick in the stomach . Yes. Out for what worked for them at the time. Yes. Very personal. " When people show you who they REALLY are.....believe them"
Hi.