Is 'where are you from' a problematic question?
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- Опубликовано: 26 авг 2023
- Before moving to France, the only time I’d ever hear the “Where are you from” question directed at me would be on vacation. I was surrounded by people from out of the area, usually other Americans. It was lighthearted small talk that didn’t count for much.
But after moving to France, the same question comes up regularly and it feels different. People notice my accent and then the inevitable question follows. It can feel loaded and definitely isn’t always friendly or lighthearted. On our worst days, maybe we bristle at the question and feel defensive because it’s just another reminder that we’re different and don’t belong. Let's talk.
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Salut! I'm Diane, an American who has lived in France since 2012 and the creator of the blog/RUclips channel Oui In France. My channel's focus is "Everyday French life and beyond." I make videos on French culture topics, France vs. US culture comparisons, food, travel, language, and give you my thoughts about what it's like living in France as an American in the Loire Valley. Thanks for being here and if you enjoy this sort of thing, please share with friends and subscribe!
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A few months ago a member of staff at a museum in Bordeaux asked me where I was from. When I replied the U.S., she expressed genuine shock and said she’d never heard an American speak French so well. That compliment made my day! Sorry your experience wasn’t always so positive.
I would have been tempted to ask the child, "Tu? Do you mean vous?"
Great topic, Diane! Thank you for sharing☺️
There's a scene in an older comedic movie where a character, who is clearly of South Asian descent and speaks with an accent, is asked where he is from. He responds with the American city where he was born. So they then ask where his parents are from, and he responds "Oh, you mean my parents...they're from Cincinnati". It was perfect.
All the grandfather had to say was "Your French is very good"....it still makes me feel good years later when I think about a Paris taxi driver saying that to me.
Bonjour Diane, thank you so much for making this video and putting my feeling of not belonging into words ! As a French born and raised in France, it's nearly impossible to say "I'm from Southern France" without getting questioned about my parents/grandparents, reminding me that "I'm not white enough to be French". You're totally right in saying that the question in itself is not wrong, what's actually wrong is the intention. And yes, there are rude people, they won't even say "Bonjour" and ask "Hey, you Chinese ?"... When I do ask the question, I usually try my best to be friendly by pointing out how endearing their accent sounds to me :)
That’s a perfect way to respond! Love it!
Oops- I misread your comment. I see how you put others at ease when you ask the question.
I love when people ask me those types of questions as long as they have good intent. I've made a lot of friends due to the same curiosities that you find offensive, and I have a background of several minorities. I think in the states, we as a nation have become so sensitive to how others perceive us and act that we forget that it's normal and human to be curious of others and there is absolutely nothing rude about that. If you feel negative about a question, it does not necessarily mean that the other person is in the wrong for asking or that there's something offensive about the question. For most people this question isn't personal, a lot of people enjoy talking about where they are from, what their culture is, etc.
Being curious is OK and this question has led to a lot of great convos. I agree! But as I said in the video, context is really important and I think there are better questions to ask. One's intent doesn't always match up with the impact.
You are correct Diane. Bad manners are inexcusable and children need to be educated at an early age. I travel alone and have a distinct accent. I’m not fluent in French but generally can communicate well enough. Sadly, in the states we have yet another identity that divides us, politics and our political choices. I go out of my way to avoid the conversation but I’m becoming increasingly isolated. Sometimes cab drivers or other I meet in Paris will ask my opinion about these things and I generally share my views except when I know that person is from the US.
Thank you for your great work. Josef.
So well put, thank you. "Othering". What a great word! I'm from Australia and when in France, the resonse is very positive. When we go to the UK, the response is very negative. Go figure??!! Many thanks, its nice to hear others go thru the same things .
I get that. I'm Chinese and was born and raised in the US. I don't think I've ever taken it badly and I've asked other Asians where they're from. I've also asked people what they think i am. Lol I've gotten some fun answers. Lol I've gotten: Eskimo, Filipino, Korean, Hawaiian, and native American🤣 I don't look like a typical Chinese woman😁
I'm reading "The Bonjour Effect" (I'd recommend for any Americans travelling to FR), and they have a pretty good section in there about this specific question. It's interesting in the context of the entire book - cultural norms, what different questions mean to the French vs. Americans, things that are considered "normal" small talk in the U.S., but considered too personal to discuss with strangers, etc. It's a great book for those looking to put these kinds of interactions in context. That said, you're perspective on this question is the other side of this coin. Interesting stuff - this stuff isn't always easy, and reminds me never to assume.
You are right !! And it's even worse when they make the question that follows: when are you going back home? That happened to me when two teenagers in a bus asked me "where was I from". I'm brazilian and they smiled and asked "Quand tu rentres chez toi?". I was 63 at that time, so it's even more rude to address someone older by "tu". I smiled, because that's something that a friend of mine, who lives in France for 30 years said she listens all the time....
I am fascinated and quite frankly a bit jealous of people who speak more than one language. Growing up in a tiny, rural town in upstate NY, I never saw anyone who did not look like me, and never, ever (until I was 13 years old) heard a language other than English spoken. It was Julia Child on PBS, speaking to a French baker in Paris. You could have knocked me over with a feather! I was instantly smitten! After that, I freely asked people about their accents and their home countries out of true interest (it was the 1960's and 1970s.) I've studied French since I was 13 and still don't speak the language! Things have changed though and now I am very careful about who I speak to about language skills and their culture and heritage. What was once a genuine interest is now a loaded question and I am mindful of that...and a bit sad. It was enriching to hear other people's stories and I always felt that they left our conversations feeling proud of their heritage, which I had found so interesting and valuable. I learned so much from those interactions too. Things have changed, and not in a good way. That little kid would have made me angry too. He was clearly out of line. Could you have said something like "Please use the appropriate vous title when speaking to me young man," or would that have been considered rude?
Thank you so much Diane. I think you have expressed and perfectly analyzed what we expats experience and how we react. I, an American, have lived in Germany most of my adult life and speak the language virtually like a native - but for those with a keen ear, there's an accent. Like you I'm sometimes asked where I'm from and most of the time it's friendly. I also play the guessing game and they never even get close (I also get Holland, sometimes Denmark???). But there are some who insist on drilling down deeper: where were my parents from? America. And their parents? At this point it can't be ignored that they want a racial category so they can know who I really am. I've yet to find the perfect answer that will shut them up.
In Germany, and I think it''s not that different in France, saying you are American is not always received well. I'm fortunate that I can honestly answer the question where I'm from with "New York". For some reason European prejudices about Americans don't apply to New Yorkers. So I'm forgiven my country of origin.
Well said Diane. I totally ID with you.I was born in the states, but I grew up in a foreign country, came back to the US when I was in my 20s, I attended bilingual schools abroad, worked for the federal government for 30 years. Whenever I meet someone new, i'm asked if I'm french Canadian, the latest if I'm British..oh you have a slight accent ..I find this oh so boring at this stage in my life . To be treated as if I'm not an american.
How about feeling othered when you return to your native home? I often get asked where I'm from when I return home. Somehow, my accent has changed after 20 years, and folks don't believe I'm from my native home?
I rarely comment but you did a really great job with addressing this issue and it has helped me a lot. I appreciate you validating the negative feelings these questions ( depending on context ) can evoke and how to work through them and eventually come to a point where you can embrace your unique identity in a positive way. Not that you will ever be perfect and never be offended when someone means to offend you in this way again but I feel with time and growth it stings less and less and you yourself can become more emotionally intelligent as well as conscious of the questions and comments we say to others that and how we might offend them as well. Thanks again.
I appreciate the comment, Jenna, and that you understood the perspective I was bringing to the topic. It's nuanced for sure. Glad the video spoke to you! xx
I've had a couple of funny interactions where people should have just asked where I was from but instead:
"Vous êtes anglaise?"
"Non..."
"Americaine?"
"Non..."
*Goes through a list of anglo countries before eventually getting to NZ*
Or my personal favourite:
"Vous êtes anglaise?"
"Non.."
"Du coup vous aimez juste mettre l'accent?"
😂
Hi Diane, fellow foreigner here. I am French living in the UK. I agree with you about people’s intentions. Most of the time it is just curiosity and breaking the ice. If we don’t take it well, it is our problem to deal with. People aren’t responsible for our own internal emotional state. When it is hostile, then it is a them problem. Your reaction with boy was spot on. Maybe the old man didn’t want to scold the boy in front of you and chose to do it away from you. He could have certainly handled it better. We are not going to stop racism, we can only change ourselves and our perception of the world
You are very brave Diane and definitely a voice for so many of us. Thank you. It touched a nerve and I am glad you made this excellent video. It always boggles me that some people cannot respect the experience of others'. Merci infiniment xxx
I've had a few incidents - one in Paris and a few in my town of Montmorillon. In Paris (a couple of years before buying a second home), a man stopped me on the street as I was returning from the market. He asked where to get coffee. I wasn't super familiar with shops, but mentioned Starbucks and the market. He suddenly became very offended asking where I was from. He somehow felt duped that I seemed like a local but wasn't. I answered that I'm American. He was rather rude - so I very loudly in French said that he asked me a question and I was attempting to help him. A crowd started to gather. He looked around, was embarrassed and apologized. He also hopped into a car very quickly and drove away. In Montmorillon, I feel the question is curiosity as in many smallish towns, most Non French are expat Brits (at least in my region). People are pretty kind and understanding with my faux pas.
You are so right. I get so sick of this question that every time I reply a different country going from Iceland to Somalia. That tends to shut them up without upsetting anyone.
I have lived here in France for over 17 years. I speak on a C1-C2 level. I'm not native, but am considered highly fluent. I watch French TV shows and have a decent amount of French friends. It used to bother me when folks asked me where I come from. However, I've come up with a great answer that really diffuses the whole "othering" thing. I simply say with a smile that « Je viens des Yvelines (78) ». And it's true, I've lived here longer than anywhere else I've ever lived. It's such a disarming and unexpected response, one that kinda underhandedly, says "What does it Matter". It always draws a smile and the other Frenchmen/women usually just move off of the question.
Love this reply… thank you, I am going to borrow/use it too.
Point well taken never thought of it like that but very true. I had a Frenchmen once talking trash about America I smiled and said you would be talking German right now if not for America and walk on down the hall!
It sounds like that boy may have been autistic. Often they don't have a filter and have a hard time gauging others' emotions. It could be why the grandfather scooted him away quickly. Hopefully he tried to talk to him about it later. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and take things positively. Assuming they are asking with good intentions helps me to not take things too personally. I saw a lot more of that type of bluntness and rudeness in Portugal than in France. Sorry you had that experience!
Someone else in the comments had the same thought but I don't believe he was on the spectrum. Just a playground bully.
Excellent video, thank you so very much for sharing this topic. I appreciate your content.
Looking forward to seeing your next video
Based on your telling of the encounter with the boy - flat inflection, not responding to being asked a question, just hyper-focused on your accent....I'm wondering if he was autistic? That sounds like something my daughter would have done at that age. Grandpa being only an occasional caregiver may not be used to handling (or heading off) those situations like the child's parents are and that is why he got flummoxed. Maybe not, but that was just my gut response hearing the story.
I grew up with kids on the spectrum, and while it's certainly possible, that's not the sense I got. He had a taunting tone, looked me right in the eye, and had no issues socializing with and bullying other kids on the playground. I think it was a lack of "éducation" in this case.
One of my favorites so far. Great takes through and through, keep it up Diane! 🧡
In Canada you're mot allowed to ask this now unless it seems logical for a converstion. It one is too forward about the question of ancestry, it is considered racist.
Oh wow, I didn't know that!
I disagree, I'm a Canadian and I ask people this all the time, they can tell it's in a very friendly way so I have never had a problem with it. I don't think it is rude at all. In many of the businesses that I worked at I met many many people from all over the world. I'm not in the "Tourist Business", which would be different. It's just smalltalk as far as I am concerned and not racist by any means. I use it as a way to get the conversation going. @@OuiInFrance
I used to love asking people where they were from for no other reason other than I'm just curios, even if they're local to that area because I love hearing stories about what makes people sentimental. Over time, I began to realise how uncomfortable some people would get if I raised this question, which has prompted me to ask it less. If I do ask someone this, I try to do so in a way that flows into the conversation. I work in hospitality, so when people tell me they're heading home, I'll ask where that is, for example.
Really good/important topic. I can probably count on one hand the number of times ive asked people where they're from and i love meeting people from other countries so it was fun curiosity. I hope i know by the way the conversation after went that all was well. Hope I'm right on that. 🤔 it's a shame the adult didn't explain to the young person how great it is that other people's 'differences' can enrich our lives. French in practice, viva la difference. 😃
I personally love when people ask me where am I from and I love to ask too. A great opportunity to start a conversation. We have so much to share.
I’m from Ocean Grove, NJ but native of Massachusetts (Springfield)
Thank you Diane. I love your channel !
Bonjour Diane!! In no way do I want to minimize what you are feeling, or criticize you in ANY way. I lived 4 years in Germany & can appreciate your experiences. I’m sure you handle them, negative experiences, with grace in the moment. Yes there is a responsibility on the part of the question asker to frame things politely & not be nosy, but people are people. That is to say, flawed for the most part. You are a highly developed human being, more than most, so you have a responsibility to have a thicker skin, knowing that they aren’t where you are in their journey.
This will take some psychological, gymnastics and discipline on your part, because you are sensitive by nature, but you will benefit from it. You make excellent videos. I enjoy them very much.
Sincerely Yours, Russell Aldrich
Great video! I really like your response to the rude French boy.
Thanks!
Thanks so much!
Thanks for such interesting video and topic.
Italian here. (Lived in Spain, USA, and currently in the UK for over 10yrs).
I have always liked the question “Where are you from!?”, as I have always been proud to share my background and culture. Just as I have always enjoyed meeting foreigners in Italy welcoming them into my country.
For me the problem often arises with the variety of responses I get after I say “Italy”.
It’s true that the vast majority of people have a positive image of my country, but over the years I have encountered all sorts of offensive responses and jokes.
Years ago it was “Berlusconi! How can you Italians vote for that man?!”, with the usual condescending tone. That has stopped since Trump and Brexit, by the way! ;)
Some people also start to make fun of the Italian accent, or worse, love to mention the mob: “Mafia mafia!”
Out of all the things you can mention about my country (fashion, art, history, cuisine, Ferraris, Lamborghinis) why do you CHOOSE to insult me with the word mafia?!
As if I decided to mention Al Qaeda with an Arab person! Who does that?! How offensive would that be considered?
So this is my issue.
Each time they ask me and I say “Italy” I dread their response but I don’t find the question problematic in itself.
I used to ask that then when I met my husband who is from England I started to say, “where were you born?” Or “we’re you born here.”. Most people don’t get offended. Try it, the conversation takes off!
They might not sound offended to you. Some people are good at covering it up.
Thanks, Diane. You make some really good points..
I have been to many different countries, so have been asked where I am from many hundreds of time. I tell them I’m from the UK, and we end up having a short conversation about it. I am brown, but I have never been asked, but where are your parents from, not even in America.
From what you say, any question can “trigger” someone, so we should never interact with anyone.
Hello. My parents were portuguese living in France. People were asking them this all the time. I was portuguese born in France and spoke French with no accent. No problem for me. Great! We moved to Portugal. Now I am a portuguese, born in France with a French accent. People started asking me where I was from. Blah! A few years ago, I went to France hor some days. Now I'm a Portuguese born in France that speak French with some portuguese feelings. They ask me where I'm from. I just answer: "Don't ask me difficult questions".
But anyway, I never had the feeling of "exclusion". For me it was a proof of uniqueness. Don't make a drama out of it.
Oh! And kids are jerks (I know: I have a 10 years old daughter. She speaks portuguese with a Brazilian feeling because of the stupid internet. But she's also American because my wife is from the USA... althoug she doesn't speak english... for now...).
Thank you Diane. As a 3rd generation Asian-American I’ve been asked this question a lot as well. I agree, it’s usually meant in the nicest way so I am not so much offended as I am saddened…especially when the questioning continues because they’re not satisfied with « I’m from California. ». I don’t find this as troublesome in France since I don’t expect most French people to understand how diverse the US is.
Until around 25 or so years ago whenever I came upon a person with Asian features in the US I just assumed that they were Asian-American, because most probably were, many with roots in the US dating back well over a century. But the massive influx of Asian immigrants over the past few decades has made such an assumption erroneous, and now if anything I tend to assume that they're an immigrant, just as American as an Nth generation Asian-American but originally from somewhere else.
I live in NYC which has one of the biggest Asian populations in the US so it's really anyone's guess based purely on appearance, especially since many immigrants tend to blend in fairly quickly in terms of attire and mannerisms. But I only ask where someone's originally from if they have an accent that clearly indicates that they aren't from here originally.
Where I live it’s frown upon to ask this question because we have a lot refugees for political reasons (disaster,conflict,fleeing genocide) who’s been living in here and are we are meant to make them feel welcome accepted so we avoid asking the question 😅
fantastic video. and i truly value your perspective.
If "where are you from?" is a question that could bother a person in any way, that person really needs to toughen up and deal with the question. If they can't deal with it, how in God's name are they going to deal with genuinely tough situations in life?
This is an interesting topic. I've lived in France for 35 years now, and in the beginning I didn't have a problem with this question, but finally I got really fed up with it and I started saying I was from the planet earth. Now I don't much care, especially since the accent has toned down over the years, but I tend to answer somewhat coldly that I'm " d'origine américaine". I would never ask anyone this question. I guess it depends on how introverted or extroverted a person is.
My husband and I are very lucky to have good friends in Paris who invite us to visit them often. We have been 4 times in past 5 years. Just recently we had a very different experience in that, being more familiar with the culture, being polite, saying things as respectfully as we can, even in our pidgeon French, people were suddenly very warm and friendly towards us. Starting conversations with us, etc. We had wonderful moments just waiting for a bus, making an effort to communicate in French--and the French people could not have been nicer. It was a noticeable difference from previous trips and I felt very touched by it almost. Not sure what it was exactly, was it just good luck or some kind of subtle thing they picked up on? That we were trying to make an effort, however small?
Thank you so much for posting this video. It is very helpful to think about how this question affects people in a variety of contexts. I just discovered your channel and am loving your tone, your insights and your confidence. I am moving to France as a single woman, a sixty year old, retired school teacher. All your videos are helping me prepare for the big transition. I won’t be moving until next September (2024) so I have lots of time to disassemble my life here, apply for a Visa and continue learning French. I’ve been studying for two years already.
I am half Indian and have fielded this question all my life. It never bothered me until 911. Since 911, people often think I am from the Middle East and their inquiries are often laden with prejudice. Where I used to be mildly exotic now I am often perceived as a potential threat. The Islamophobia that our media and foreign policy has engendered in the U.S. over the last two decades has made our society more fearful.
When I move to France, I am sure I will cross paths with anti-Islamic folks from time to time. I don’t wear a hijab and I speak like an American but I would love to learn a phrase or two that puts people in their place when they are obviously being rude.
Have you come up with ways of responding to rude tones to let people know that they are being rude?
Welcome and glad you enjoy my content! To answer your question at the end, I play it by ear but always take the high road instead of replying rudely. Sometimes it's best to just walk away.
Best of luck on your upcoming move! :-)
Thanks! Applaud your approach on discussing noteworthy topics and reminding us to be better people. We will be moving to France at the end of 2024
Thanks so much, Jim. I appreciate you and thank you for understanding where I'm coming from.
It all depends upon the context... While studying abroad, I used to ask that to almost everyone I met at the university's campus but never to a kebab delivery guy or a waiter at a restaurant...
Great video to engage such a nuanced topic. As a person of colour, I have grown tried of this question, then asked, "where are your parents from" of even "grandparents" Its quite insulting, and sadly I have gotten used to it. It would be interesting to host a discussion of other Americans of colour who live in France, and their experiences. Merci.
Hmm. Sometimes, I counter with a question of my own. 'WHY do you need to know? Or, why are you asking that?'.
I really love the culture issues you raise on a regular basis. An off-shoot of "Where are you from" can be to determine ethnicity, which can be innocent or hurtful, depending upon the context. However, as an American, this is a difficult question to answer. All four of my grandparents were born in the US, so where did I come from? So then you have to look at great-grandparents. But the places they came from no longer exist the way they did when they lived there. They came from the Austrio-Hungarian empire, but they didn't come from either Austria or Hungary. The name of the country (Poland) wasn't a country when they lived there. Even more complicated, would be the ethnicity of my children, because my wife's grandparents also were all born in the US, but her great-grandparents were from many varied countries, none of which matches my ancestors. So many of these questions cannot even be answered, at least cannot be answered easily or quickly. If one is first generation American, then that also makes it difficult to answer. I think it all boils down to WHY there person is asking.
So glad you enjoy this type of content! Yes, the why is important as well, for sure.
Easy answer : you're from the USA.
Yes, but the question is by Americans, who are really asking about your ethnicity.
Diane, You nailed that topic! I loved the story about the unknowingly really rude child. Well, I like how you told the story, didn't like the kid. Thank you for this great presentation.
Glad you enjoyed the video and understood where I was coming from with it!
Hi Diane. You are too nice. If a boy had said the same thing to me I would have replied "Yes I am an American and you are an impolite (or rude) boy that should learn some manners".
When I am asked that in France, I sometimes say: "Je ne suis pas Tunisien, mais Etats-Unisien." It always gets a smile if not a laugh.
Clever.
Merci. I (humbly) thought so too. @@mariarohmer2374
Good day.
You are sooo right and on point.
100 per cent I agree with your intelligent dissertation.
Btw I trully enjoy your life lessons.
Bottom line, ignorance and rudeness are the culprits ….
Keep creating content 👏
Very well done for such an emotionally charged topic…
In response to the situation with the young child who was so deliberately rude to you, I’ve encountered that myself in various forms in France, North Africa and Latin America.
As for the youngster you encountered, I would wonder where he was from or where his family was from originally; I would guess if not originally from France, he ironically may have experienced the same sort of “otherness” himself. Your accent cued him to the fact you were not French and gave him the opportunity to be hurtful to you in the same way others may have been hurtful to him. It’s clearly passive aggressive which is generally driven frequently by insecurity. That said, oddly he was probably intimidated by you in fact…
Finally, when I moved to France in the ‘80s I also had “bad French days” when nothing went well and I no one understood me. And then self-talked myself into wondering if moving to France was a bad idea; it wasn’t!!! The question to ask is…how would they fair in, say, NYC or LA?
At the end of the day, you’re still there and thriving!!! That speaks volumes about you and who you are…
I think you’re right. That kid may have experienced the same thing himself. That kind of behavior is not instinct, it’s learned. And I think the adult with the kid just made an excuse to leave quickly so as to not bother Diane with a lecture about respect.
Good points!
When I first started coming on holiday to France from England in the early 2000s, a lot of times I would get an obviously not enthusiastic reception. When French people learned I was actually born in Australia, and not England, there was always a positive change in attitude. It's hard to forget hundreds of years of history! 😂 Now I have lived in France since 2015, and people are, 99% of the time, just lovely, but I still don't feel as if I belong 100%. Maybe this is how it is for a lot of people who emigrate? I had a choice, but imagine if you don't, and you never feel 100% at home, ever again? 😞
I really enjoyed this video, thank you Diane. You make a number of very valid points and I could relate to many of them, both as someone who has been asked "Where are you from??" in my hometown and "What is wrong with you??" (but that is a whole other topic).
I study languages so I ask in order to practice and share information here in the states.
I experience several variations on this regularly and it can be quite frustrating even if it's usually not meant to be rude or bigoted. I grew up and have lived in the US since I was little, but was born in and immigrated here from another country where English is widely spoken but not the primary language.
I speak both languages fluently, each with a native accent, and am white and light-skinend, but my name is not a typical American name and immediately stands out whenever it comes up when I am in the US, leading many people to ask what kind of name it is, which always feels to me, even if it's not intended as such, like they're questioning whether I'm actually, fully or truly American.
And when I visit my birth country, where locals are all skin colors from very white to dark black and everything in-between, I always speak the local language with locals, with a local accent, and seem to blend in, until my lack of a perfect vocabulary, or mistakes I make in matching the gender of nouns and adjectives, or not being very familiar with various local customs and conventions, all of which are perfectly understandable for someone who didn't grow up and hasn't lived there for decades, makes things a bit awkward and embarrassing, and people look at me like I'm an idiot or something, sort of how one might look at someone who speaks perfect English with an American accent but who knows nothing about baseball or imperial units. I don't experience it as a put-down, but it is annoying.
I can see, though, how this question might insult some people, because of what it might imply.
One of your best.
I appreciate that. Thank you!
This kid behavior was strange indeed… moreover the grandad’s.
This kind of boldness is not the usual conduct children are taught to use with foreigners in France…
If I could guess I would say the kid was autistic or some other type of OCD given his posture. Plus it’s exactly the kind of situation where a grandparent “à l’ancienne” doesn’t acknowledge the child behavior.
This is so relatable! I’m Irish and have lived in Canada for 34 years. Just yesterday I was swimming in our condo complex pool when a young man in his twenties asked me one question “have you had a good summer?” and based on my response, announced “YOU HAVE AN ACCENT!”. As I swam away, I said “Everyone has an accent. Even you”. He persisted with his questions about where I was from, asked if I was Scottish, and eventually I said “I was born in Ireland”. He continued being nosy so I just kept swimming. As I left, he followed me to my building and asked if I was coming in. I deflected and waited for him to be out of range before detouring and returning to my home via the parkade. What a rude, inconsiderate person! Just the type of person I avoid whenever possible.
I think it’s easy to ask the “where are you from” question in the wrong tone, and indeed I am guilty of having done it myself, so now I avoid it unless I have already established a connection with the person, when they will often volunteer it themselves.
If a kid told me I had an accent, I’d reply “well so do you”. Everyone has an accent from somewhere. There is no such thing as “speaking without an accent”. What the person is really saying is that your accent is different from theirs”.
My Uber driver in France told me I had an American accent, but it lead to a great conversation. I hired him again to drive me around. Now I just text him when I want a ride, forget the Uber app. He ended up inviting me to his home to have lunch with his wife and children and now I’m considered part of the family! A accent can be a very good thing.
Quand on voyage à travers le pays, même quand on est Français, les gens nous demandent assez souvent de quelle région (de la France) nous sommes. Je suppose que cela leur permet de mettre dans des cases : les Parisiens, les Bretons, etc. C'est essentiellement un exercice de séparer l"outgroup de l'ingroup. Et je suis toujours embarrassé de répondre à cette question, car beaucoup de gens ne "viennent" pas d'une région en particulier, mais ont voyagé, ont des influences ou des lignées ancestrales variées, etc. C'est l'exemple type d'un raisonnement qui a du sens pour la personne qui pose la question, car elle a toujours vécu au même endroit, comme ses ancêtres, mais qui n'a pas de sens pour les autres.
Justement, ça dépend des circonstances. Parfois, je dis que je suis parisien (où je suis né et où j'ai grandi) et parfois que je suis angevin (où je vis actuellement) selon comment ça m'arrange...
And even worse when followed by “why did you moved here?” Not my idea of small to talk to get into private details of my life with a random stranger
Thank you for always sharing of yourself and your feelings. Love the video in the garden and you look great!
I have asked this question and it has been asked of me. I think most people ask because they are generally interested in the world and people. I may say "you have a beautiful accent, where are your originally from?". Since I have traveled extensively. I can respond that either I visited there or someplace that I would like to visit one day. Most people are open to that. Regarding accents, we ALL have them. I'm from rural Virginia and have what is considered an "old Virginia" accent. While traveling within the US, the UK, and Europe, I have been asked if I'm from England. It is strange when a British person asks me if I'm from England (never, Scotland or Wales, always England). Like you mentioned, it's easier for me as a white man when I'm asked since it may feel like an outsider, I generally feel that I'm welcomed.
You should have told the little boy "Yes, I have an accent. So do you".
I'm French and I visited your country thrice. I do have an accent when I speak in English, despite all my efforts. It means the locals can easily guess I'm a foreigner. There are 2 stories I want to tell. One day I was participating in a seminar in Bethesda, MD, near Washington DC (as a listener). The entrance price included a tee shirt, so naturally, the cashier asked for my size. I answered "2XL". No other words, just those ones. Then, the cashier asked me "Where are you from?". It wasn't meant to be rude, and anyway, I didn't feel like that at the moment nor later. I was just surprised they could just spot my accent from the few words I said! I pronounced the T of "two" according to the English pronunciation (which is different from the French T), and I pronounced the X and the L according to the sound of the English alphabet. Nevertheless, this person was able to guess I was a foreigner. It was more that than the WAYF question that surprised me. In a way, it showed me that I do have to improve my accent.
Second story, I was at the cash register after I bought a book at a bookshop in New York City. The cashier asked me if I had the shop card. I answered I didn't because I'm not a local nor a regular customer but a foreigner. So the cashier asked me: "Where are you from?". I said "France". He answered: "We do ship to France". There again, it wasn't meant as a rude question. I think he asked WAYF for commercial reasons, in order to add me to his regular customers list. I didn't take it bad.
I think there are good and bad people everywhere in every country. The two people I mentioned were well-intentioned. Sure, it's not exactly the same case as you, who permanently live in France while I was just a tourist in America. So I didn't experience the sempiternal same and potentially rude WAYF question as often as you did.
I get this question all the time and am stumped how to answer. I've moved around a lot and have lived or worked in 40 countries. I used to say "nowhere" or "everywhere" but that just leaves other people confused. Then I tried saying "I'm of Russian descent." even though I've never been to Russia and don't speak the language. So that didn't work out so well either.
No one owes anyone an answer! Too many people seem focused on making others more comfortable with the "right" answer but we don't even need to respond. I was raised to always respond politely and it took years to realize that I can do what feels right to me.
We know how someone means something. I know from their energy and tone. Kids who are never corrected end up being monsters as adults. I love all your videos! Thank you Diane!
My wife is a bit over the top about asking where people are from. The dynamics of the question may be a bit different on account of there being a distinct clue to my wife potentially being from somewhere else. (We are in the UK.)
In la Corrèze the local residents have had close to zero contact with Americans. So when they don't bother to ask, they just assume that I'm English. Generally speaking, people are friendly and not too concerned. There are those who eel invaded and are also usually jealous of foreigners wh buy up the real estate at prices the local people cannot afford. When it comes to the English, the people seem to collectively resent them. To a lesser degree this applies to the Dutch. So, when they don't ask the question at all, it is usually because they have already consulted a third party. There are a few, very few, who really are genuine in their questioning and are not offensive at all. Rarely, but it has happened that someone wants to practice speaking English. All in all, it is not a nice question. I have come to feel resentful when it's asked.
Great video! When traveling (usually in a car service) if I detect an accent I dont recognize, I may ask "how long have you lived in *blank city* ?" I never ask where someone is from, but most of the time they will volunteer where their origins are. I feel like this is a nice way for me to be curious (which I am), but hopefully never offensive. ❤️
That's a much better question!
Interesting! I find the question a bit difficult to answer. I always feel a bit torn - do I say where I live now or where I am originally from? I have the same confusion when people ask about my nationality since it has changed. It‘s odd - I have known naturalized American citizens who have absolutely no qualms about stating that they are American with no further explanations. I seem to have this compulsion to explain that I am now German, but was formerly American. Very odd of me.
Diane you look great 😃
I have an Asian friend who has had the same experience and seems so weird, since her accent is obviously an American one. She finds it really insulting too.
I've always treated that as a way to try and humanize people in call centres. Being able to say something about working in the middle of the night, or rarely, asking if everyone is coping as we see monsoons in that country, or sometimes, something to the effect of usually when I call in people are from X and you don't sound like them, is this centre in a different place? With all the work from home going on one time I got to ask if she had a helper purring next to her.
Never worried about this too much because I’m usually the one initiating it! I also felt victorious when I lived in France for a bit when folks would ask me if I was the Netherlands or Belgium - I figured if I wasn’t automatically taken for American, my accent must be coming along okay…😂😂
Growing up in France being white, in the circles I gravitate in, the whites are scared of asking this question. The people asking you what your origins are, are the non-whites, especially the north-africans. They are obsessed with it.
Now I grew up in a French speaking family all my uncle, aunts, cousins, only problem we are French Canadians
I'm French living in England since 2006 and very often I am asked that same exact question "where are you from because you have an accent". Sometimes I hear "you picked up on the accent, your English is improving". I usually reply "well.... I've been here 17 years so hopefully my English is good"
So yes I relate completely to your topic.
Thanks
We are in a world that now finds it is ok to say what was not said before. It should never be ok to be rude, and or condescending. I am not sure how we got here, but it is not too late to stop and think before we speak. thank you stay safe ALL
I hate that question too. I usually say “I’ve lived most of my life abroad but my passport country is the United States.”
Welcome to my world. I am from Nigeria and lives in California but looks like a white guy. I get that question a lot especially when i speak in the midst of people who otherwise wouldn't know what nationality i am. Sometimes I get embarrassed when it is asked in the midst of people and i have to make a long explanation how i am not from here.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Also, totally off topic, but I had the privilege of visiting Nigeria for work a few years back and had a great time. Do you get back there often?
Pour l'anecdote : pour les Corses, les autres Français sont "du continent". Pour les Alsaciens, ils sont "de l'intérieur". Pour les Provençaux, ils sont "du nord". Pour les Bretons, ils sont "les Français". Bref, on est toujours l'étranger de quelqu'un.
I love being a tourist in my own city and going into a very touristy shop and they ask where I'm visiting from. I kind of chuckle and say my town, just north of the city, but that was BORN in the city. And then I ask where they are from. 😂 More times than not, THEY are the transplant. I even had one store clerk ask MY recommendation for some local places to visit outside the city. I enjoy giving useful information to tourists and newbies to the area. My SIL immigrated here when she was two. Shes the only one in her family without an accent, but she didnt American-ify her name. It confuses people, and she understands that, but she enjoys sharing about her family's story of leaving Laos with new aquaintances - not necessarily people in passing, but those who are curious and want to learn.
The kid in the park, probably picked up that issue from a family member.
More questionable is, "What are you?", especially when they don't like your reply?
When I first moved to L.A from the Midwest, I had SO many people ask me "What are you?" and it really threw me. I get it, I've moved to a place that is quite multi-cultural, so it's quite common to encounter many different backgrounds, but the phrasing of that question was quite annoying. WHAT am I? I dunno, a human being?
I am a native New Yorker and well-spoken. Even I've been asked the dreaded question "Where are you from?" It confused me, at first. Now, if the topic comes up, I'll say "The boogie-down Bronx"--which confuses THEM and happens to be true!
I'm not sure too many foreigners would know where "the boogie-down Bronx" is! 😂
But you do, surely? Les Americanes get it! LOL. @@OuiInFrance
It's generational. Not everyone listens to rap.
A lot of people who meet me find my father’s Up State NY twang.
I'm an Australian and when I'm overseas sometimes I get people asking if I'm from New Zealand, I just say I'm from Earth.
When I was the French assistant at the grammar-school of South-Shields, Co. Durham, England, U.K., in the 1960s, I lived in a boarding house with merchant marine cadets from other places. One day, the cadets told me they were visiting a classmate in his home; he had been sick for a couple of days, and they wanted to help him with their courses. They invited me to accompany them. Our party was warmly welcome by the mother. At the end of the visit, she addressed me in particular saying: "you can't be a cadet; you must be an officer; you look much older and prosperous". I told her I taught French at the grammar-school. One of the cadets added: "He is French." Immediately the British anti-French iron curtain shut down. She anwered my good-bye with tight-lips. I wasn't surprised. I couldn't care less; I had experienced worse in London; I was vaccinated. 😂
I can relate well to that. In spite of having mostly lived in French speaking countries for about 60 years (Belgium and France), I find that I get asked variants of that question more often here in Normandy than I can recall in previous years. I think that it is nearly always good natured curiosity, although Mme Le Pen is the favourite presidential candidate in our small rural commune. Nevertheless I still find it an irritating indicator that, audibly, I don't quite fit in but try hard to ignore it like water off a duck's back.
Living in 2 countries off and on for most of my life; USA and Germany, I always ask which year? It usually throws them off and they then ask where we’re you raised? I answer again which year. After that, if the interrogation continues, I usually dismiss them and walk off. Remember you do not have to explain yourself and if you do emotions are optional. I actually celebrate my differences. As for the rude kid I would have told him I’m from someplace where we have better manners and that goes for the grandpa too. Hang in there there are idiots everywhere. Enjoy everyday and don’t sweat the little stuff from rude people. Living well is the best revenge. 🌈☮️🥂
Well said. 👍
People from the north of France make fun of their compatriots' accents! Many years ago I was sitting in a restaurant (in Paris) with a friend, (daughter of the haute société) who could not control her laughter at the southern accent of a nearby diner.
I wonder what she thought of a Quebec accent then?
OMG
Great video, Diane. As a Canadian, I'm always suprising people in the (western) states on motorcycle trips. But one thing that I found Americans do is, when they tell you where they're from, they'll say the town AND the state; not just the state. (Luckily I taugh WORLD geography and actually know where most of the US states are), but if an American said that, town-state thing to someone in northersn B.C., they'd just think, WTF? No one does that in Canada, or really other countries. Most other countries, aren't as big as Canada and the US, but, say a Dutchman will say, Holland, or the town. In Canada, as it's so big, people will say the province, then if you know it bit or have been there, they'll tell you the town. The where are you really from, is long lost thing here, as there's been so many new imigrants in the last couple of decades, that no one gives a....hoot. I'ts been normalized. My French is so bad, I watch your channel to keep me motivated, to keep learming; thanks to you.
Cheers from the Pacific West Coast of Canada.
As an American, I tell people which state I'm from (or the state I live in now) and if they express interest mention the a smaller area. For example, New York, Long Island, South Shore, Nassau County. If they STILL know what I'm talking about, THEN I will tell them the name of the town. Or just say "18 miles east of New York City." If I tell them where I live now (Minnesota), I don't even assume they know where that is until they indicate otherwise. This is for Americans. When I'm traveling, I assume they know "United States" but don't assume any other geographical knowledge.
There are more American states than Canadian provinces and far more Americans than Canadians (like, ten times as many of the former), which translates to more toponyms, so specificity about the city and the state may be more of a natural reaction. I live in a city whose name is utilized in at least four other states. Almost half of the states have a county with the same name as my own county's as well. There are two Portlands (Maine and Oregon). There are three Glendales (Arizona, California, Colorado). There are at least four Springfields (Illinois, Massachusetts, Missouri, Oregon), etc.
@@renshiwu305 Thanks for teaching me a new English word, toponym. This is a new word for me. Thanks! It makes perfect sense.
I live in Australia.
We are a multicultural society. I love meeting folk from other countries. I often ask where are from?
I ask because I'm interested in others. If you find the question offensive -
so sad to bad.
Alter your mental attitude!