The Ballad Of Typhoid Mary

The Ballad of Typhoid Mary || Lewis Papier
There was a banker with his bag of tricks
“I’ll bring the family way out in the sticks
Nothing is too big, nothing I can’t fix”
In this wonderful summer of nineteen aught-six!
They packed their bags one fine day
Even though the sky was gray
There were no warnings, no time to pray
Ominous clouds, all over Oyster Bay!
They sat down for dinner, all in the mix,
no one knew why they were picked
Half of ‘em soon were Typhoid sick
Hit ‘em hard like a ton of bricks
Landlord said “what’s this I hear?”
I’ll hire a sanitation engineer
His name is Soper and he soon appeared
No more worries, “I’ll allay all your fears”
Now they’ve asked me, are you sure?
What a question, straight from a whore
There are germs, you can’t ignore
All certified by Dr. Louie Pasteur
The one that’s affected, she’ll never repent
Soper was sure, said I’m heaven sent
These are the rules, they can never be bent
If you’re contagious, that’s no accident!
Chorus: No need at all to get a gun
I figured it out who’s ruined the fun
It’s the cook now on the run
Typhoid Mary she’s the one
Typhoid Mary I don’t care if you’re blue
Watch out now I’m coming after you
Too many sins you have accrued
Now back employed on Park Avenue!
No champagne for Mary
no one pulled the cork
when Soper tracked her down
she wouldn’t balk
He ran like hell, there was no talk
After Mary pulled out her trusty carving fork!
Soper finally caught her--the public they did cheer
Newspapers added to the jeers
Mary wouldn’t show it-any of her tears
Locked up on Brother’s Island, for three damn lonely years
Chorus: No need at all to get a gun
I figured it out who’s ruined the fun
It’s the cook she’s now on the run
Typhoid Mary she’s the one
Bridge: Come and see the peep show gallery
Bring the kids and please don’t tarry
If thrills are what you seek
Perhaps you’ll get a peek
Of all the germs that Mary carries!
Instrumental
Mary cried aloud, I’ve been surely
cursed
My heart is fast a-sinkin, just about to burst
We’ll find you a lawyer, can’t get any worse
Courtesy of Mr. William Randolph Hearst
Health Commissioner said: “now you’re off the hook
We’ll let you out, but you must play by the book
No money in a laundry, back hidden as a cook
“We found you out, you’re just a common crook.”
No longer could she fight, Mary was so weary
The people said, “we are just too leery”
We’ll lock you up, now how is that my dearie?
For the rest of your life, based all on our germ theory
The people turned against her, they didn’t give a lick
You see what she has done to us? Made us all damn sick
Now they’ve really done it, made the charges stick
A curse upon the Irish, just another Mick!
Mary’s cold accusers, they remained aloof
They said she was contagious, without any real proof
Could have been the diet, maybe tainted food
No one left with questions, looking for the truth
A healthy woman, but she was hexed
And maybe soon you’ll be perplexed
When they come for you, as you fit their specs
(Another) Typhoid Mary, maybe you’ll be next!
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