I adopted my daughter 6 years ago when she was 6, so that makes her 12 now. It has been a rough road, and she still is not attached, and it is sad for everyone. We pray someday she will let us in her heart.
You cannot forcefully separate an infant from its primal mother at any time without creating a traumatic memory in the child. That memory will create an anxiety response to attachment which is not a disorder. Its a normal survival response based on the childs life experience. Changing it requires knowledge and parenting skills not commonly known and must be taught. Without this knowledge parents unwittingly make the problem worse but responding inappropriately to the childs attempts at attachment. This leads to power struggles, acts of vengeance by the child, and family dysfunction. It doesnt have to be this way.
+Gabriela Stoner From this reply one can assume you havent been successful. First you must take responsibility as a parent that your relationship and responses are part of the problem. Your responses here are defensive and angry which reflects who you are and your parenting style. It follows that you are exacerbating the childs negative behaviors. A mature response would be a display of open mindedness and a willingness yo learn. Before your child can be helped you need to be helped.
i think this child was improperly placed. The people who matched this child with this family didn't take into consideration that the woman had several other children. The addition of a child who' has been severely neglected such that his head is mishaped would add a significant level of work that she would not be able to provide adequately. He should have been placed within a family who had perhaps one other child, or with a couple without children who would be able to dedicate the time to him exclusively without being overstretched.
Did this woman forget that this child was found by the side of a road? Did she forget his head was flat from obvious neglect (read-no holding/love/bonding)? Would she "give back" one of her biological children? This is an outrage. Obviously the poor child needed a good home as he was a true orphan, but do not take in a child only to turn around and give him back when the going gets tough:*( Of course he's not bonding...he's obviously been tremendously traumatized. Shame on her!
shame on her. Just because this child was adopted does NOT give her the right to give him away. You NEVER give up on your child. NEVER. I have 5 adopted children, and I can;t even imagine ever giving up on them...no matter how difficult times can get...
She doesn't deserve the sad song, I'm sorry but after seeing most of this cases about American parents giving up kids I will surely suspend adoption from this parents. They're not new knots they're human beings. Horrible people.
Very proud of this mom for her decision. I was adopted and my mother and I did not bond. I always felt it was my fault and did anything and everything to have a connection. I was finally able to heal from the feelings when I adopted and bonded with a child...and realized it wasn't my fault. I wish my adopted mom would have had the strength to do what this mom did.
I understand that parents have limits, but adopting a child is a big decision, and disassociation with a foster parent at such a young age is a given. There is really no soft transition, so of course the child will be hostile at any age! It is the adoptive parents duty to flood this child with love, patience and understanding beyond what a normal parent would do, and to expose them to a community as well who reinforces this. It may be difficult, but get a community to help!
geez, some children are just more difficult than others, whether they are adopted or not. some even have serious and expensive medical conditions while some have mental and emotional problems. she should have considered them and accept her responsibility as a parent. we do not just "give back" our kids because they are different, difficult and not normal... good riddance to you, the child deserves a better mother.
+carolyn vicencio - Shut the hell up and get off your high horse. This child had RAD. Unless you know anything about it I would move along. RAD is difficult my daughter has it. She tried to kill herself, teachers, her family because she cannot attach from her bio mom. This children have sever issues. The woman made the right choice to protect her other kids. You tell me if its ok to have a sociopath with your kids at night and also trying to kill and eat animals.
+Gabriela Stoner Your daughters behavior cant be separated from your style of parenting. If they way you respond here, with anger and insults, is any indication of youre skills as a parent its no surprise you have a child with serious problems.
I think her use of the word "love" was used rather loosely. I wouldn't have agreed that she loved the baby but rather she cared for him. She also didn't give the baby time to adjust and bond with her as well. I assume bonding is an emotional attachment and she just did not fall in love with the child. And a child who has been with many caretakers and abandoned by his parents will have a more difficult time bonding.
she obviously wasn't prepared for adoption. taking a baby who is slightly older there will be difficulties bonding. I was in two foster homes then adopted at 2. I did not feel bonded to my parents. it was something that grew over time. my mum struggled massively. only as an adult having my own children did that relationship completely turn about. I did love them of course but that close loving bond was missing so I always felt a bit lost. it's a very lonely feeling. thank god my parent's were so patient and loving. they did all they could to reassure me. I know now this was duets firstly being in a convent children's home then foster care. of course lifting a two year old child without preparation will traumatise them. thankfully the adoption process seems to have changed. I believe a child isn't just lifted from their home and put in another home within one day. at least I hope that's not done anymore.
I am the mother of three children . Two of which I adopted. I don't understand this at all. I feel no difference in the love for my children. It is my opinion that the agency did not do accurate evaluation of the adopted family before placement. I feel so sorry for that little boy. Shame on the adults involved.
Parental Attachment Disorder When an adopted child can’t attach or has problematic behaviors related to attachment, professionals are predisposed to label the child as Reactive Attachment Disorder or any other number of disorders that match a constellation of acting out behaviors. Psychology is not like medicine and a valid, evidence based, etiology often does not exist. Diagnosis is a theory or best guess based on the professional’s orientation, context, and education. Graduate schools in social work and psychology devote little or no time to adoption. They train students to think in terms of a medical context which means the subject is a patient with symptoms. In other words the patient is a sick, broken, mentally ill, person experiencing a disease process in need of treatment. An alternative perspective is positive or humanist psychology which defines the person as a client who is not experiencing optimal functioning or development. The client is not sick, broken, or in need of fixing. The client is in need of insight, awareness, and education. The client is seen, holistically, in the context of the family system. The client in need is no longer the attachment disordered child but the entire attachment compromised family system. Why don’t we have a diagnosis of Adoptive mother reactive attachment disorder or adoptive family reactive attachment disorder? As a therapist I can’t tell you how often parents husbands and spouses bring their loved ones into therapy demanding that I fix the other one. The mind of any good therapist silently says “but first I have to fix you.” If we did say those words that would be the first and last session. No one wants to hear they play a role in a family member’s problem. They believe they are the solution and such a concept would be a shock to their view of how they perceive themselves. The child is seen as unable to create a secure attachment to them. Placing the responsibility for creating a secure attachment on the parent may be emotionally painful even unbearable. After all it isn’t just the adopted child that comes to the family with concerns; the parents also bring their own anxiety into the family. Since the child has no say in the adoption and the parents are the adults, the moral responsibility to create a secure attachment lies in the parent’s domain. It is no different than the moral imperative to provide food clothing and a roof for the child. So then why do we label the child as disordered when the parents fail to create a secure attachment and problem behaviors overwhelm the family? Labeling the child with a disease removes the responsibility from the parents to create a successful bond and also from the adoption agency which failed to appropriately educate the parents before they adopted. The adoptee is the weakest member of the family having no power or even the comprehension to explain the anxiety that is being experienced. Attachment implies by its nature a multi-dimensional relationship. Simply put it takes at least 2 to tango.
Growing up as a child with this disorder, life was living hell for my parents and brothers. There were so many things I did and so much that happened simply because I did not understand that what I was doing was wrong. I am, so thankful to them that they never gave up on me and that they always stuck through with me. I'm not saying that what this woman did was right, but I can understand not wanting to have a child that simply doesn't care. And to the parents that have kids that are what I once was. Don't give up.
+Iveta Welborn You dont have RAD It doesnt exist. The disorder will soon be removed from the DSM5 in the next revision. Many so called disorders are removed all the time because we learn that they are erroneous. Adoptees experience a preverbal trauma which is a memory of the loss of the primal mother before the brain develops cognition. Infants only a few days old can record long term memories. “Infants do not think but they do process emotions and long term memories are stored as affective schemas” (Geansbauer, 2002). An infant separated from its first mother will record a memory of that event. Memories of this nature are called preverbal memory representations and they have a unique quality that must be understood by adoptive parents. “Infant memories are recalled in adulthood the same way they were recorded at the time they occurred. It is difficult possibly impossible for children to map newly acquired verbal skills on to existing preverbal memory representations” (Richardson, R., & Hayne, H. 2007). An older adoptee who recalls an emotional memory will experience it the same way it was felt as an infant. Adoptees can have troubling memories that they cannot identify in words. This means that they cannot understand what they are feeling and without a vocabulary they cannot even ask for help. This leads to a cognitive /emotional disconnection. “Children fail to translate their preverbal memories into language”(Simcock, Hayne, 2002). An adopted child will learn from his family that he is wanted, loved, belongs with them, and that they will never leave him. His emotional memories will trigger fears that are exactly the opposite. An adopted child can know he belongs but feel isolated. He can know that he will never be abandoned but feel that he will. He can know that he is whole but feel that a part of him is missing. He can know that he is loved but feel that he is not. This incongruence between thoughts and feelings becomes the foundation of poor attachment, problem behaviors, power struggles, poor academic performance, and behaviors parents can’t understand. The struggle to bring thoughts and feelings into coherence can be a lifelong task for adopted children. It doesn’t have to be this way.
this is a prime example of why adoption isn't for everyone and why the burden of adoption shouldn't be thrust onto women who arnt biologically able to have children of there own. someome women really do crave that connection that isn't always there with adopted children or children they don't carry in utero. this should be talked about more before adoption takes place.
do you have any idea how many lies these sw tell single moms to take that baby who is deeply loved by the real mom, only to have a buyer think it's up to the child to attach!!!!!!!. these moms soul die forever to find out how much those lies hurt the baby. they soul die forever over buyers and sellers insane greed
I don not believed she loved this little boy she had help and I am sure they told her this would take time. If she did love him she never would have given up and abandoned him again she did say that she also did not bond with him. I believe she did not like him much
I adopted a little girl with severe mental disorders and at the time of adoption did not know she had these disorders. It is know 11 years later and she self-inflicts and harms others so CPS took her away and blamed my innocent husband. We have been through everything with our little girl and we have bonded years ago. I truly believe she is proof that RAD can be cured with the right loving and nurturing parents. The behavioral issues stayed the same throughout her young life and she is continuously struggling to overcome the "devil" inside her head as she describes. She says she does not want to do bad things but this voice tells her to, and she acts upon it. All of this early age (evidenced at age 10) stizoaffective disorder that was undiagnosed until this summer at age 13 led to her removal by DHS. She still, to this day suffers from Stizoaffective Disorder~bipolar type, RAD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and a Learning Disability. DHS removed her in September of 2012 and we have continuously wanted her home and the Judge will not allow her to come home as the in-home treatment and services do not meet her needs. She needs additional safety components in order to raise her and she qualifies for these in-home treatment and services, however, DHS will not cover these expense. We have been pleading for her safety and for her to come home. The have moved her around the State of Michigan 5 times now, which has deepened her trauma We have run out of options as we have no money for an attorney to fight for our daughter's rights. Family reunification has been the goal since day one and its has been over 2 years of solid torture in a young girl's mind. Some parents give up on their adopted children as they know in their heart that is not going to work out to meet the child's needs. In our case, DHS expects us to give up on our daughter claiming we cannot meet her mental health needs whereas I believe the State of Michigan cannot meet her needs and had absolutely no business removing her from her loving family. If anybody knows of a excellent attorney willing to help fight for our violated civil rights and mental health rights of our child please get in touch with me. No child should ever have to live away from their parents and subjected to neglect and abuse in residential treatment facilities, where they place our children.
I understand what you mean before I started working at non public school I had no idea that children can be diagnosed with emotional disturbance most of the kids I work with ages 5-22 they live in group homes or placement programs and they have a number of mental diagnosis such as emotionally disturbed oppositional defiant schizophrenic conditions suicidal even at such a young age they can be self injurious and it takes a lot of patience determination and compassion to work with them I can't imagine how overwhelming it can be working with them 24/7.
I'm sorry this is happening to your family. Since CPS took her and placed her in care, do they charge you for her care? Do you pay child support for her?
I have come to realize that until you walk in someone else's shoes, I do not judge. This woman did the right thing for the child. i don't understand why after having 3 or 4 of her "own" children that she decided to adopt. I see nothing wrong with it but just wondered.
@MotherVoltaire Sometimes the child IS dangerous, and that doesn't mean they are bad, it means they have experienced such extreme trauma that they can go into fits of rage that they can't control. I get so frustrated by people spewing judgments about something they have no experience with. It's like you are burning witches!
Maybe she really shouldn't adopt. But would you really wanted her to force herself with stress and everything? If she has a lot of other children and a busy life outside the family, maybe the adoption was a genuine miscalculation.
Further complicating the adoptive family system is a memory process that is common among adoptees but little known by therapists, social workers, parents, and the adoptees themselves. There is a disconnection in adoptees between their emotions and their ability to identify them. This is the core issue in adoption and it is the foundation of most of the problems that occur in adoptive parenting. Infants only a few days old can record long term memories. “Infants do not think but they do process emotions and long term memories are stored as affective schemas” (Geansbauer, 2002). An infant separated from its first mother will record a memory of that event. Memories of this nature are called preverbal memory representations and they have a unique quality that must be understood by adoptive parents. “Infant memories are recalled in adulthood the same way they were recorded at the time they occurred. It is difficult possibly impossible for children to map newly acquired verbal skills on to existing preverbal memory representations” (Richardson, R., & Hayne, H. 2007). An older adoptee who recalls an emotional memory will experience it the same way it was felt as an infant. Adoptees can have troubling memories that they cannot identify in words. This means that they cannot understand what they are feeling and without a vocabulary they cannot even ask for help. This leads to a cognitive /emotional disconnection. “Children fail to translate their preverbal memories into language”(Simcock, Hayne, 2002). An adopted child will learn from his family that he is wanted, loved, belongs with them, and that they will never leave him. His emotional memories will trigger fears that are exactly the opposite. An adopted child can know he belongs but feel isolated. He can know that he will never be abandoned but feel that he will. He can know that he is whole but feel that a part of him is missing. He can know that he is loved but feel that he is not. This incongruence between thoughts and feelings becomes the foundation of poor attachment, problem behaviors, power struggles, poor academic performance, and behaviors parents can’t understand.
I'm so glad I was able to look you up and realize where your education came from rad is realize you just created a shit storm and your welcome. I have posted in on 1,000 rad communities. You explain your ignorance to this distraught families in pain and take you self righteous Christian education and go teach about kindness and stop making other the blame for these Childrens issue. I don't see you blaming biological parents just eating up adoptive and if that is wrong because you have no clue
+Gabriela Stoner Its hard to make sense out of your response other then to define it as defensive anger. Attachment is a two way relationship and you cant hold one responsible without the other as well. A family systems context is needed to understand the process. Family systems is the counseling perspective created by Murry Bowen and Salvadore Minuchen. Relationships are seen as emotional triangles and the entire family is treated as the patient. The attachment problem isnt in one person its in the family system. When we see attachment problems in adoption it always indicates dysfunction in the parents. Lack of parenting skills, emotional problems in the mother, regarding adoption as a cure for infertility or a problem marriage, or insecurity regarding the primal attachment. No infant can be forcefully separated from its primal mother without a trauma being created. That trauma becomes a hard wired memory triggered by attachment. Thats not a disorder thats a normal survival response that can be changed by educating the adoptive family how to respond. Regarding the child as disordered or blaming the child will lead to serious dysfunctions later in life. It also leads to over medication and poor interventions.
+Robert Hafetz I cannot agree with you. I will give you a handful that might have the problems you describe . My experience is totally different. Forty three yrs ago we adopted a four day old baby. He bonded immediately and he knew he was adopted. He has a genius IQ, perfect pitch and a photogenic mind. Later we adopted a daughter and immediately she bonded. She too has a high IQ. Our son's birth mother located us and call. She asked to speak our son refused. He asked me to tell her that he never wanted to see her or talk to her. We took our daughter to her birth Mother's funeral. She made the decision and she asked us to take her. So please do not lump all adopted children in one lump.......
Aww that's so sad that this happens. Sometimes even biological children just don't bond well with their parents. Surely though living in a good home is better than having none at all? Still, I suppose it's the type of thing that nobody can truly understand unless they're in it. Even she said that she previously criticized someone over the same situation, and she understands the outside criticism. Just a sad situation overall.
@xQueenLeenax Yep...I know adoption is hard especially with older kids who have behavioral issues, but it must be easier with a baby who has done nothing wrong but to be born to a bunch of idiots. She shouldn't ever be allow to adopt if she shows such lack of commitment especially to a baby. I can see if an adopted child is an endangerment to the family, but to say that the baby didn't bond with her and vise versa is wrong. What does she expect? For him to sprout wings and engulf her with love??
Its interesting how many people like to call names and comment about this mother. Clearly this little boy had Reactive Attachment Disorder. If I adopted a child and they were diagnosed with this I would save my biological children first.
+Gabriela Stoner There is no such thing as Reactive attachment disorder. The child is not feral. What we see here is parental attachment disorder. Truthfully there is no disorder here at all. This is another adoption like many where parents dont have the skills to parent an attachment compromised child and were not warned or prepared by the agency.
What the hell are you talking about. What do you do for all living because I know for a fact you aren't a doctor and if you are give me your information so I can forward this information about you denying reactive attachment disorder. Don't blame parents for children's attachment issues when they have rad. How dare you give false information. Take your bs somewhere else and yes I challenging you!!
+Gabriela Stoner= I have a unique perspective. I am one of these children, and I have published in peer reviewed journals, one book, and many articles explaining the effect of premature maternal separation. They can be read online for free. I have also published articles on how to create a secure attachment in foster and adoptive children. I am a masters level therapist working in private practice with adoptive and foster families. I consult and train therapists many have PHds but have little or no understanding of adoption related processes. All of my work is cited and based on research. When parents react with anger or show resistance to what is really happening its because they cant take responsibility and prefer to have a child labeled as mentally ill then admit their own lack of insight. Their self esteem is more important then the childs welfare. The proper mindset is an open mind willing to learn for the best interest of the child. Resistance shows a lack of maturity and self confidence. This isnt RAD its PAD parental attachment dysfunction.
Many adopted children have difficulty with attachment. And attachment is not just a positive thing for the adoptive parents, it's essential to having healthy relationships with people through the course of a lifetime. But the necessary stuff that encourages attachment is hard to define. Some adopted babies were cared for while waiting for parents--they were fed, changed, cuddled, and even played with. But the care-givers were not really there and present with these babies. This woman says she loved him. What do you mean, exactly? How could you tell that the baby knew you loved him? There is a story of a baby boy (not adopted) who was left with a sitter every day because his single mother had to work. Well, the sitter waited for her to leave and then left him to go read a book in a nearby park or use her time several other ways instead of being there for the child. One day, the mother comes home early to find her son in his crib crying, with a dirty diaper, and hungry. So clearly, the sitter would return just before her arrival home to clean him up, etc. Needless to say, this boy had attachment issues because he so often felt unsafe, hungry, ignored, scared, and uncomfortable. His mother tried to give him what he needed but the damage was done. By the time he was 20 he had murdered two people and had very little, if any, compassion for others. He is now incarcerated for life.
Best intrest of child is always the way to go ... Yet adoption is a toss of the coin . Just as birth children are. In my opinion you do not have the ability to return your child so when person adopts that is a commitment as if that child is same if not more obligated because that child was chosen . I can see how in theses kind of cases its best for all children involved. Bless all children that are in need of families. Bless all the families trying to save these children and guide them through the journey.
i hope so! if not while she is young, i'm sure she'll look back as an adult, esp if she becomes a mom, she'll know what it meant to be loved unconditionally even though that kind of bond did not exist as a child..i've known a woman for many years who had trouble bonding in general because she was abused up until about age 4 or 5..she left her youngest daughter when she was 19, w her adopted mom & she bonded w her 2nd two, but still has issues..she's a lovable yet interesting "case"
@iRSleepy But surely the Adoption Agency told her, that it could be possible that the child needs up to some years to bond with the adoptive parents. That´s what our agency told us. We are in the middle of process to adopt a child from czech republic. And when she loved him, why didn´t she gave him some more time to realize that he is in his foreverfamily now? I know a family, where the adoptive daughter needed 6 years till she bonded with her adoptive mother. Now they are a happy family.
It all comes down to this question lady IF THIS WAS YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD WOULD YOU GET RID OF IT??? Hell no you wouldn't. The child was making YOU feel bad because YOU weren't getting the appreciation that you felt YOU deserved for adopting him. A child is not a purchase that if you don't like it you can just take it back. Disgusting!!!!
@lesterclaypool1 No I was not suggesting anything to do with biology. The adoptive parent didn't want to do it and changed her mind. No bio involved. And disagree...there are plenty of bad parents..that even given tools..just are not meant to be parents.
@lesterclaypool1 I actually think it unselfish. My parents didn't do what they could have to find me other parents because they didn't want anyone to know. After all the hoopla of yeah we have a baby...hard to admit you can't do it. Your wife's parents could have done the same thing. Not sure about your wife...but I would rather have been passed to a few homes and found ones that would bond with me than grow up in that environment.
@iRSleepy Don´t get me wrong, all you said is right. I´m just a little confused, because what I understood was that SHE does´nt bond with the baby, but says that she really loved him. Perhaps I have a mistake in my translation because my english is not perfect. That´s what I´m wondering about: How can I say: I love you, but I feel no bond between us.......... Oh....ok, I think I got it. She had bonded, but felt that the Baby didn´t bond with her? Is that right?
she even has her own children and still wanted to take someone else's people wise up the need for sw to take children away for this "better life" is only the sw better life with the thousands made on the sale
Attachment therapy provided and attachment based parenting taught by therapists registered with ATTACh (and most legit Attachment therapists are) is not dangerous or harsh. Just because a group of professionals write an article filled with opinions and few facts does not make it the truth. You forgot to mention the article is mainly focused on a "subset of therapists and therapies" nor do you speak out about the dangers of the numerous medications these children are prescribed.
it will take time...the wounds must heal.... sometime the child is an adult before they heal enough to let u completely in. With understanding comes peace, with peace come the attachment. Right now she is confused and expecting you to fail her.... prove her wrong.... and continue to love her.
wow to adopt and give it away, how much really do you want to be a mother, or are you mother material, not all mothers bond with their biological kids, but they love them no matter what, and 18 months for a child who was found in a ditch with no idea who the parents are or how old he is, he has been through so much already and being a baby has no concept of what is next, found , placed with orphanage and now new people and hes not bonding she didnt give him enough time to accept that he was home, that makes him less than 3 before shipped to a 4th set of people or did he get stuck in a foster home first
@ItsHerTurn im sorry but what does that mean? so are you saying that those "people" who caused him to have a flattened skull from never picking him up that it was alright to do that to him? yo itsherturn I think you need to just stop spewing and start reading correctly bc you didnt understand anything I wrote. p.s. wow.
it sounds like he might have bonded with his next family, but it doesn't seem clear, other than he is doing well... does anyone know if there is a follow up story about the boy?... it must have been very difficult for the adopted mother... until you walk in someone elses shoes, it's not really fair to judge & it does not sound like she did this without much thought
Two issues here. A child who did not receive the attachment foundations and a carer who was unaware of what a lack of attachment means in terms of a childs behaviour. The below comments are one sided.
I have attachment disorder myself. I don't really know what to think about it. On the one hand it's better for the child to go to a GOOD family, but on the other hand it creates a new trauma on top of what this child already had. It's a very sad situation, that's for sure. I do think she loved "D", and that she thought this solution was best for her and the child. Especially because her husband is away from home for long periods, and she has to do all by herself then. Hope the child is happy now
Sounds like a pretty biased perspective. I'm not sure what to say in regards to this particular issue to someone from a family that routinely gives its children up to CPS. I guess if I were to communicate one thing, it would be that adoption from early childhood and adoption through CPS are vastly different. The types of people taken by CPS have been abused and are unhappy so of course it's difficult. And the types of people who adopt them vary GREATLY. But often it DOES work out.
Oo Sorry, I don´t understand. She says that she loved him, but couldn´t bond with the baby? How could someone NOT bond with the ones he/she love? Strange.....
The child doesnt have reactive attachment disorder because there is no such disorder.What we see is parental attachment disorder or the failure of a parent to create a secure attachment. Attachment involves more then just the child its a relationship and one cant look at the child alone. Adopted children are traumatized by premature maternal separation. The primal attachment ended in the child being abandoned. Naturally the child now expects all attachments to end the same way. An attachment schema is created which is a normal survival response to the childs reality. Love means youre going to be hurt and attachment in the adoptive family triggers anxiety. This is not a disorder this is a normal response to avoid being harmed. This is a case of a poor placement by the agency since they never trained the parent, and the parents failure to have the skills to parent an attachment compromised child. The child becomes the scapegoat because the child has no power. Adopted children are nothing like a child one has given birth to and cannot be parented the same way. Parents who think they can just love the child as any other and that infants have no memory of loss are asking for trouble. Agencies never inform them of the true nature of adoption out of fear no one will adopt. The truth is that secure attachments can be created only if the adoptive parents understand how to do it.
+Robert Hafetz -You seem to continue to point the finger at the parents. If they weren't trying they wouldn't have ever adopted. Don't use poor judgement.
This is a lot of psychobabble from someone who has never adopted a child with attachment disorder. Explain why someone could have 3 biological children who are all well attached, then adopt two children at birth who never lived outside the womb with the bio mother and one attaches just like the other children while one is a nightmare of evil behavior without remorse? Wouldn't they BOTH be "victims" of your kooky theory of premature maternal separation trauma? Yes. But they are not. Explain people who never knew they were adopted until they were 60 years old and are happy, well adjusted people who report strong loving bonds with their families? You can't. Explain a biological child who is brought up in a healthy home, never abused or neglected but cannot attach to others and are just mean? You can't with your theory. Some people cannot attach. When it's an adoption situation and there is another family who can better bond with the child, that's where the child should be, instead of being forced to stay with people they hate, causing emotional scars for the entire family and ending up booted from the home at 18 with no skills, no family and no education due to selfish acting out, stealing, terrorizing and abusing their adoptive family while social workers and therapists turn away and shove drugs at the situation. You're judging what you don't know, haven't experienced and have no understanding of.
Because adopted children respond differently then children one has given birth to. You cant parent them the same way. If you try youll fail and it appears thats what happened. As is often the case the failed parent blames the child. Its also common when parents claim an adopted child is attached they arent. The parent sees what they want to believe. Brodzinski refers to denial of differences parents often experience the most problems. Clearly your mind isnt open which is an indication of your parenting style. The truth is probably very different from what you believe. Maternal separation in infancy resulting in a trauma isnt a theory. Its a fact based on valid research. I have published in peer reviewed journals, counseled more adopted families then I can count, and I am one of these children. If you had an open mind and cared more about the welfare of adoptees then your own pride you would be asking questions instead of making defensive remarks. Your beliefs have no basis in fact but are simply created to make you feel good about yourself. At this point it really dosnt matter.
+Robert Hafetz - don't play the blame game with me because you're a fucked up rad yourself. Many parents struggle don't try and act like you know any of the parents who struggle with this. It's hard and for all you others if you think it's so easy you adopt a rad child and let Me know how it goes. It's a nightmare and we try very very very hard
I don't get it. He was an infant when they adopted him so the bonding issues weren't on his side it was on hers. He reacted based upon what he felt coming from his "mother". It wasn't his fault they didn't bond not even in half his fault that she gave up her kid it is hers and only hers.
Do you actually know anyone who's been adopted? There is no genetic or scientific evidence that kids have any harder of a time bonding with adoptive parents than they do birth parents, especially if they are adopted as infants. You can't just make things up and pretend they are somehow true. Kids aren't an "it," they are independent and some kids don't bond with some adults because people have different personalities. Unless you have a scientific study to cite that's case closed.
I adopted my daughter 6 years ago when she was 6, so that makes her 12 now. It has been a rough road, and she still is not attached, and it is sad for everyone. We pray someday she will let us in her heart.
You cannot forcefully separate an infant from its primal mother at any time without creating a traumatic memory in the child. That memory will create an anxiety response to attachment which is not a disorder. Its a normal survival response based on the childs life experience. Changing it requires knowledge and parenting skills not commonly known and must be taught. Without this knowledge parents unwittingly make the problem worse but responding inappropriately to the childs attempts at attachment. This leads to power struggles, acts of vengeance by the child, and family dysfunction. It doesnt have to be this way.
+Robert Hafetz - Responding inappropriately? thats snarky. Id like to see how you handle Violent children with RAD. You must have a magical cure.
+Gabriela Stoner From this reply one can assume you havent been successful. First you must take responsibility as a parent that your relationship and responses are part of the problem. Your responses here are defensive and angry which reflects who you are and your parenting style. It follows that you are exacerbating the childs negative behaviors. A mature response would be a display of open mindedness and a willingness yo learn. Before your child can be helped you need to be helped.
i think this child was improperly placed. The people who matched this child with this family didn't take into consideration that the woman had several other children. The addition of a child who' has been severely neglected such that his head is mishaped would add a significant level of work that she would not be able to provide adequately. He should have been placed within a family who had perhaps one other child, or with a couple without children who would be able to dedicate the time to him exclusively without being overstretched.
Did this woman forget that this child was found by the side of a road? Did she forget his head was flat from obvious neglect (read-no holding/love/bonding)? Would she "give back" one of her biological children? This is an outrage. Obviously the poor child needed a good home as he was a true orphan, but do not take in a child only to turn around and give him back when the going gets tough:*( Of course he's not bonding...he's obviously been tremendously traumatized. Shame on her!
The mother gave up, plain and simple. You never give up on your child.. EVER adopted or not.
shame on her. Just because this child was adopted does NOT give her the right to give him away. You NEVER give up on your child. NEVER. I have 5 adopted children, and I can;t even imagine ever giving up on them...no matter how difficult times can get...
She doesn't deserve the sad song, I'm sorry but after seeing most of this cases about American parents giving up kids I will surely suspend adoption from this parents. They're not new knots they're human beings. Horrible people.
Very proud of this mom for her decision. I was adopted and my mother and I did not bond. I always felt it was my fault and did anything and everything to have a connection. I was finally able to heal from the feelings when I adopted and bonded with a child...and realized it wasn't my fault. I wish my adopted mom would have had the strength to do what this mom did.
i think she could not attach to the child not the oppisite
I feel no attachment to my adoptive family
Wow this isn't a pet! This is a person!
I understand that parents have limits, but adopting a child is a big decision, and disassociation with a foster parent at such a young age is a given. There is really no soft transition, so of course the child will be hostile at any age! It is the adoptive parents duty to flood this child with love, patience and understanding beyond what a normal parent would do, and to expose them to a community as well who reinforces this. It may be difficult, but get a community to help!
geez, some children are just more difficult than others, whether they are adopted or not. some even have serious and expensive medical conditions while some have mental and emotional problems. she should have considered them and accept her responsibility as a parent. we do not just "give back" our kids because they are different, difficult and not normal... good riddance to you, the child deserves a better mother.
+carolyn vicencio - Shut the hell up and get off your high horse. This child had RAD. Unless you know anything about it I would move along. RAD is difficult my daughter has it. She tried to kill herself, teachers, her family because she cannot attach from her bio mom. This children have sever issues. The woman made the right choice to protect her other kids. You tell me if its ok to have a sociopath with your kids at night and also trying to kill and eat animals.
+Gabriela Stoner Your daughters behavior cant be separated from your style of parenting. If they way you respond here, with anger and insults, is any indication of youre skills as a parent its no surprise you have a child with serious problems.
I think her use of the word "love" was used rather loosely. I wouldn't have agreed that she loved the baby but rather she cared for him. She also didn't give the baby time to adjust and bond with her as well. I assume bonding is an emotional attachment and she just did not fall in love with the child. And a child who has been with many caretakers and abandoned by his parents will have a more difficult time bonding.
she obviously wasn't prepared for adoption. taking a baby who is slightly older there will be difficulties bonding. I was in two foster homes then adopted at 2. I did not feel bonded to my parents. it was something that grew over time. my mum struggled massively. only as an adult having my own children did that relationship completely turn about. I did love them of course but that close loving bond was missing so I always felt a bit lost. it's a very lonely feeling. thank god my parent's were so patient and loving. they did all they could to reassure me. I know now this was duets firstly being in a convent children's home then foster care. of course lifting a two year old child without preparation will traumatise them. thankfully the adoption process seems to have changed. I believe a child isn't just lifted from their home and put in another home within one day. at least I hope that's not done anymore.
I am the mother of three children . Two of which I adopted. I don't understand this at all. I feel no difference in the love for my children. It is my opinion that the agency did not do accurate evaluation of the adopted family before placement. I feel so sorry for that little boy. Shame on the adults involved.
Parental Attachment Disorder
When an adopted child can’t attach or has problematic behaviors related to attachment, professionals are predisposed to label the child as Reactive Attachment Disorder or any other number of disorders that match a constellation of acting out behaviors. Psychology is not like medicine and a valid, evidence based, etiology often does not exist. Diagnosis is a theory or best guess based on the professional’s orientation, context, and education. Graduate schools in social work and psychology devote little or no time to adoption. They train students to think in terms of a medical context which means the subject is a patient with symptoms. In other words the patient is a sick, broken, mentally ill, person experiencing a disease process in need of treatment. An alternative perspective is positive or humanist psychology which defines the person as a client who is not experiencing optimal functioning or development. The client is not sick, broken, or in need of fixing. The client is in need of insight, awareness, and education. The client is seen, holistically, in the context of the family system. The client in need is no longer the attachment disordered child but the entire attachment compromised family system.
Why don’t we have a diagnosis of Adoptive mother reactive attachment disorder or adoptive family reactive attachment disorder? As a therapist I can’t tell you how often parents husbands and spouses bring their loved ones into therapy demanding that I fix the other one. The mind of any good therapist silently says “but first I have to fix you.” If we did say those words that would be the first and last session. No one wants to hear they play a role in a family member’s problem. They believe they are the solution and such a concept would be a shock to their view of how they perceive themselves. The child is seen as unable to create a secure attachment to them. Placing the responsibility for creating a secure attachment on the parent may be emotionally painful even unbearable. After all it isn’t just the adopted child that comes to the family with concerns; the parents also bring their own anxiety into the family. Since the child has no say in the adoption and the parents are the adults, the moral responsibility to create a secure attachment lies in the parent’s domain. It is no different than the moral imperative to provide food clothing and a roof for the child. So then why do we label the child as disordered when the parents fail to create a secure attachment and problem behaviors overwhelm the family? Labeling the child with a disease removes the responsibility from the parents to create a successful bond and also from the adoption agency which failed to appropriately educate the parents before they adopted.
The adoptee is the weakest member of the family having no power or even the comprehension to explain the anxiety that is being experienced. Attachment implies by its nature a multi-dimensional relationship. Simply put it takes at least 2 to tango.
Why did she need sooooo many children?
She is selfish, she does not understand what that kid will go through for the rest of his life , even his fake mom gave up on him 👎bad mom
I feel it's the mother..I have met women like this..it's her
Growing up as a child with this disorder, life was living hell for my parents and brothers. There were so many things I did and so much that happened simply because I did not understand that what I was doing was wrong. I am, so thankful to them that they never gave up on me and that they always stuck through with me. I'm not saying that what this woman did was right, but I can understand not wanting to have a child that simply doesn't care. And to the parents that have kids that are what I once was. Don't give up.
+Iveta Welborn -It must have been hard not knowing what you were doing was wrong and for so many years.
+Iveta Welborn You dont have RAD It doesnt exist. The disorder will soon be removed from the DSM5 in the next revision. Many so called disorders are removed all the time because we learn that they are erroneous. Adoptees experience a preverbal trauma which is a memory of the loss of the primal mother before the brain develops cognition. Infants only a few days old can record long term memories. “Infants do not think but they do process emotions and long term memories are stored as affective schemas” (Geansbauer, 2002). An infant separated from its first mother will record a memory of that event. Memories of this nature are called preverbal memory representations and they have a unique quality that must be understood by adoptive parents. “Infant memories are recalled in adulthood the same way they were recorded at the time they occurred. It is difficult possibly impossible for children to map newly acquired verbal skills on to existing preverbal memory representations” (Richardson, R., & Hayne, H. 2007). An older adoptee who recalls an emotional memory will experience it the same way it was felt as an infant. Adoptees can have troubling memories that they cannot identify in words. This means that they cannot understand what they are feeling and without a vocabulary they cannot even ask for help. This leads to a cognitive /emotional disconnection. “Children fail to translate their preverbal memories into language”(Simcock, Hayne, 2002).
An adopted child will learn from his family that he is wanted, loved, belongs with them, and that they will never leave him. His emotional memories will trigger fears that are exactly the opposite. An adopted child can know he belongs but feel isolated. He can know that he will never be abandoned but feel that he will. He can know that he is whole but feel that a part of him is missing. He can know that he is loved but feel that he is not. This incongruence between thoughts and feelings becomes the foundation of poor attachment, problem behaviors, power struggles, poor academic performance, and behaviors parents can’t understand. The struggle to bring thoughts and feelings into coherence can be a lifelong task for adopted children. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Don't listen to Robert her suffers from mass manipulation and has years of experience
More like she wanted to quit than deal with this child.
this is a prime example of why adoption isn't for everyone and why the burden of adoption shouldn't be thrust onto women who arnt biologically able to have children of there own.
someome women really do crave that connection that isn't always there with adopted children or children they don't carry in utero. this should be talked about more before adoption takes place.
I'm pretty sure she knew the child was black when she adopted him...Why must everything be about race??
do you have any idea how many lies these sw tell single moms to take that baby who is deeply loved by the real mom, only to have a buyer think it's up to the child to attach!!!!!!!. these moms soul die forever to find out how much those lies hurt the baby. they soul die forever over buyers and sellers insane greed
I don not believed she loved this little boy she had help and I am sure they told her this would take time. If she did love him she never would have given up and abandoned him again she did say that she also did not bond with him. I believe she did not like him much
I adopted a little girl with severe mental disorders and at the time of adoption did not know she had these disorders. It is know 11 years later and she self-inflicts and harms others so CPS took her away and blamed my innocent husband. We have been through everything with our little girl and we have bonded years ago. I truly believe she is proof that RAD can be cured with the right loving and nurturing parents. The behavioral issues stayed the same throughout her young life and she is continuously struggling to overcome the "devil" inside her head as she describes. She says she does not want to do bad things but this voice tells her to, and she acts upon it. All of this early age (evidenced at age 10) stizoaffective disorder that was undiagnosed until this summer at age 13 led to her removal by DHS. She still, to this day suffers from Stizoaffective Disorder~bipolar type, RAD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and a Learning Disability. DHS removed her in September of 2012 and we have continuously wanted her home and the Judge will not allow her to come home as the in-home treatment and services do not meet her needs. She needs additional safety components in order to raise her and she qualifies for these in-home treatment and services, however, DHS will not cover these expense. We have been pleading for her safety and for her to come home. The have moved her around the State of Michigan 5 times now, which has deepened her trauma We have run out of options as we have no money for an attorney to fight for our daughter's rights. Family reunification has been the goal since day one and its has been over 2 years of solid torture in a young girl's mind.
Some parents give up on their adopted children as they know in their heart that is not going to work out to meet the child's needs. In our case, DHS expects us to give up on our daughter claiming we cannot meet her mental health needs whereas I believe the State of Michigan cannot meet her needs and had absolutely no business removing her from her loving family. If anybody knows of a excellent attorney willing to help fight for our violated civil rights and mental health rights of our child please get in touch with me. No child should ever have to live away from their parents and subjected to neglect and abuse in residential treatment facilities, where they place our children.
I understand what you mean before I started working at non public school I had no idea that children can be diagnosed with emotional disturbance most of the kids I work with ages 5-22 they live in group homes or placement programs and they have a number of mental diagnosis such as emotionally disturbed oppositional defiant schizophrenic conditions suicidal even at such a young age they can be self injurious and it takes a lot of patience determination and compassion to work with them I can't imagine how overwhelming it can be working with them 24/7.
I'm sorry this is happening to your family. Since CPS took her and placed her in care, do they charge you for her care? Do you pay child support for her?
oh ya she's sooo sad, I was worried she would never stop crying!
I have come to realize that until you walk in someone else's shoes, I do not judge. This woman did the right thing for the child. i don't understand why after having 3 or 4 of her "own" children that she decided to adopt. I see nothing wrong with it but just wondered.
@MotherVoltaire Sometimes the child IS dangerous, and that doesn't mean they are bad, it means they have experienced such extreme trauma that they can go into fits of rage that they can't control. I get so frustrated by people spewing judgments about something they have no experience with. It's like you are burning witches!
So brave. She did the best she could for the child, better to find a better match, than for the child to live with out what he needs, a connection.
Maybe she really shouldn't adopt. But would you really wanted her to force herself with stress and everything? If she has a lot of other children and a busy life outside the family, maybe the adoption was a genuine miscalculation.
That's very sad, I'm so sorry, hopefully she will feel a part of your family.
Further complicating the adoptive family system is a memory process that is common among adoptees but little known by therapists, social workers, parents, and the adoptees themselves. There is a disconnection in adoptees between their emotions and their ability to identify them. This is the core issue in adoption and it is the foundation of most of the problems that occur in adoptive parenting.
Infants only a few days old can record long term memories. “Infants do not think but they do process emotions and long term memories are stored as affective schemas” (Geansbauer, 2002). An infant separated from its first mother will record a memory of that event. Memories of this nature are called preverbal memory representations and they have a unique quality that must be understood by adoptive parents. “Infant memories are recalled in adulthood the same way they were recorded at the time they occurred. It is difficult possibly impossible for children to map newly acquired verbal skills on to existing preverbal memory representations” (Richardson, R., & Hayne, H. 2007). An older adoptee who recalls an emotional memory will experience it the same way it was felt as an infant. Adoptees can have troubling memories that they cannot identify in words. This means that they cannot understand what they are feeling and without a vocabulary they cannot even ask for help. This leads to a cognitive /emotional disconnection. “Children fail to translate their preverbal memories into language”(Simcock, Hayne, 2002).
An adopted child will learn from his family that he is wanted, loved, belongs with them, and that they will never leave him. His emotional memories will trigger fears that are exactly the opposite. An adopted child can know he belongs but feel isolated. He can know that he will never be abandoned but feel that he will. He can know that he is whole but feel that a part of him is missing. He can know that he is loved but feel that he is not. This incongruence between thoughts and feelings becomes the foundation of poor attachment, problem behaviors, power struggles, poor academic performance, and behaviors parents can’t understand.
I'm so glad I was able to look you up and realize where your education came from rad is realize you just created a shit storm and your welcome. I have posted in on 1,000 rad communities. You explain your ignorance to this distraught families in pain and take you self righteous Christian education and go teach about kindness and stop making other the blame for these Childrens issue. I don't see you blaming biological parents just eating up adoptive and if that is wrong because you have no clue
+Gabriela Stoner Its hard to make sense out of your response other then to define it as defensive anger. Attachment is a two way relationship and you cant hold one responsible without the other as well. A family systems context is needed to understand the process. Family systems is the counseling perspective created by Murry Bowen and Salvadore Minuchen. Relationships are seen as emotional triangles and the entire family is treated as the patient. The attachment problem isnt in one person its in the family system. When we see attachment problems in adoption it always indicates dysfunction in the parents. Lack of parenting skills, emotional problems in the mother, regarding adoption as a cure for infertility or a problem marriage, or insecurity regarding the primal attachment. No infant can be forcefully separated from its primal mother without a trauma being created. That trauma becomes a hard wired memory triggered by attachment. Thats not a disorder thats a normal survival response that can be changed by educating the adoptive family how to respond. Regarding the child as disordered or blaming the child will lead to serious dysfunctions later in life. It also leads to over medication and poor interventions.
+Robert Hafetz I cannot agree with you. I will give you a handful that might have the problems you describe . My experience is totally different. Forty three yrs ago we adopted a four day old baby. He bonded immediately and he knew he was adopted. He has a genius IQ, perfect pitch and a photogenic mind. Later we adopted a daughter and immediately she bonded. She too has a high IQ. Our son's birth mother located us and call. She asked to speak our son refused. He asked me to tell her that he never wanted to see her or talk to her. We took our daughter to her birth Mother's funeral. She made the decision and she asked us to take her. So please do not lump all adopted children in one lump.......
That is utter bullshit.
would you dump with own child. sounds like the child was a rental. if it's your own child you can't send them back . Horrible woman!
Aww that's so sad that this happens. Sometimes even biological children just don't bond well with their parents. Surely though living in a good home is better than having none at all? Still, I suppose it's the type of thing that nobody can truly understand unless they're in it. Even she said that she previously criticized someone over the same situation, and she understands the outside criticism. Just a sad situation overall.
absolutely!!!!!!!!!! I agree with you man!
@xQueenLeenax Yep...I know adoption is hard especially with older kids who have behavioral issues, but it must be easier with a baby who has done nothing wrong but to be born to a bunch of idiots. She shouldn't ever be allow to adopt if she shows such lack of commitment especially to a baby. I can see if an adopted child is an endangerment to the family, but to say that the baby didn't bond with her and vise versa is wrong. What does she expect? For him to sprout wings and engulf her with love??
Its interesting how many people like to call names and comment about this mother. Clearly this little boy had Reactive Attachment Disorder. If I adopted a child and they were diagnosed with this I would save my biological children first.
+Gabriela Stoner There is no such thing as Reactive attachment disorder. The child is not feral. What we see here is parental attachment disorder. Truthfully there is no disorder here at all. This is another adoption like many where parents dont have the skills to parent an attachment compromised child and were not warned or prepared by the agency.
What the hell are you talking about. What do you do for all living because I know for a fact you aren't a doctor and if you are give me your information so I can forward this information about you denying reactive attachment disorder. Don't blame parents for children's attachment issues when they have rad. How dare you give false information. Take your bs somewhere else and yes I challenging you!!
+Gabriela Stoner= I have a unique perspective. I am one of these children, and I have published in peer reviewed journals, one book, and many articles explaining the effect of premature maternal separation. They can be read online for free. I have also published articles on how to create a secure attachment in foster and adoptive children. I am a masters level therapist working in private practice with adoptive and foster families. I consult and train therapists many have PHds but have little or no understanding of adoption related processes. All of my work is cited and based on research. When parents react with anger or show resistance to what is really happening its because they cant take responsibility and prefer to have a child labeled as mentally ill then admit their own lack of insight. Their self esteem is more important then the childs welfare. The proper mindset is an open mind willing to learn for the best interest of the child. Resistance shows a lack of maturity and self confidence. This isnt RAD its PAD parental attachment dysfunction.
+Robert Hafetz - So you have RAD?, right. "Their lack of insight" so you have children of your own? with this disorder? Blaming the parents , comical.
+Gabriela Stoner Gabriela, I say this politely, but you are an angry scary person.
Many adopted children have difficulty with attachment. And attachment is not just a positive thing for the adoptive parents, it's essential to having healthy relationships with people through the course of a lifetime. But the necessary stuff that encourages attachment is hard to define. Some adopted babies were cared for while waiting for parents--they were fed, changed, cuddled, and even played with. But the care-givers were not really there and present with these babies. This woman says she loved him. What do you mean, exactly? How could you tell that the baby knew you loved him?
There is a story of a baby boy (not adopted) who was left with a sitter every day because his single mother had to work. Well, the sitter waited for her to leave and then left him to go read a book in a nearby park or use her time several other ways instead of being there for the child. One day, the mother comes home early to find her son in his crib crying, with a dirty diaper, and hungry. So clearly, the sitter would return just before her arrival home to clean him up, etc. Needless to say, this boy had attachment issues because he so often felt unsafe, hungry, ignored, scared, and uncomfortable. His mother tried to give him what he needed but the damage was done. By the time he was 20 he had murdered two people and had very little, if any, compassion for others. He is now incarcerated for life.
@burrochapadogrl Until you've walked in this person's shoes.......
absolutely.....
Best intrest of child is always the way to go ... Yet adoption is a toss of the coin . Just as birth children are. In my opinion you do not have the ability to return your child so when person adopts that is a commitment as if that child is same if not more obligated because that child was chosen . I can see how in theses kind of cases its best for all children involved.
Bless all children that are in need of families. Bless all the families trying to save these children and guide them through the journey.
i hope so! if not while she is young, i'm sure she'll look back as an adult, esp if she becomes a mom, she'll know what it meant to be loved unconditionally even though that kind of bond did not exist as a child..i've known a woman for many years who had trouble bonding in general because she was abused up until about age 4 or 5..she left her youngest daughter when she was 19, w her adopted mom & she bonded w her 2nd two, but still has issues..she's a lovable yet interesting "case"
@iRSleepy
But surely the Adoption Agency told her, that it could be possible that the child needs up to some years to bond with the adoptive parents. That´s what our agency told us. We are in the middle of process to adopt a child from czech republic. And when she loved him, why didn´t she gave him some more time to realize that he is in his foreverfamily now? I know a family, where the adoptive daughter needed 6 years till she bonded with her adoptive mother. Now they are a happy family.
It all comes down to this question lady IF THIS WAS YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD WOULD YOU GET RID OF IT??? Hell no you wouldn't. The child was making YOU feel bad because YOU weren't getting the appreciation that you felt YOU deserved for adopting him. A child is not a purchase that if you don't like it you can just take it back. Disgusting!!!!
@lesterclaypool1 No I was not suggesting anything to do with biology. The adoptive parent didn't want to do it and changed her mind. No bio involved. And disagree...there are plenty of bad parents..that even given tools..just are not meant to be parents.
@lesterclaypool1 I actually think it unselfish. My parents didn't do what they could have to find me other parents because they didn't want anyone to know. After all the hoopla of yeah we have a baby...hard to admit you can't do it. Your wife's parents could have done the same thing. Not sure about your wife...but I would rather have been passed to a few homes and found ones that would bond with me than grow up in that environment.
@lesterclaypool1
YES! YES! Someone got my point!!! That´s absolutely, what I´m thinking about it! Thank you so much!!!!!!
@iRSleepy
Don´t get me wrong, all you said is right. I´m just a little confused, because what I understood was that SHE does´nt bond with the baby, but says that she really loved him. Perhaps I have a mistake in my translation because my english is not perfect.
That´s what I´m wondering about: How can I say: I love you, but I feel no bond between us..........
Oh....ok, I think I got it. She had bonded, but felt that the Baby didn´t bond with her? Is that right?
she even has her own children and still wanted to take someone else's people wise up the need for sw to take children away for this "better life" is only the sw better life with the thousands made on the sale
Attachment therapy provided and attachment based parenting taught by therapists registered with ATTACh (and most legit Attachment therapists are) is not dangerous or harsh. Just because a group of professionals write an article filled with opinions and few facts does not make it the truth. You forgot to mention the article is mainly focused on a "subset of therapists and therapies" nor do you speak out about the dangers of the numerous medications these children are prescribed.
it will take time...the wounds must heal.... sometime the child is an adult before they heal enough to let u completely in. With understanding comes peace, with peace come the attachment. Right now she is confused and expecting you to fail her.... prove her wrong.... and continue to love her.
Way over the line.
I think she was unable to bond with him because he was black, so she just couldn't see him as her child.
Wow......
wow to adopt and give it away, how much really do you want to be a mother, or are you mother material, not all mothers bond with their biological kids, but they love them no matter what, and 18 months for a child who was found in a ditch with no idea who the parents are or how old he is, he has been through so much already and being a baby has no concept of what is next, found , placed with orphanage and now new people and hes not bonding she didnt give him enough time to accept that he was home, that makes him less than 3 before shipped to a 4th set of people or did he get stuck in a foster home first
@ItsHerTurn im sorry but what does that mean? so are you saying that those "people" who caused him to have a flattened skull from never picking him up that it was alright to do that to him? yo itsherturn I think you need to just stop spewing and start reading correctly bc you didnt understand anything I wrote. p.s. wow.
it sounds like he might have bonded with his next family, but it doesn't seem clear, other than he is doing well... does anyone know if there is a follow up story about the boy?... it must have been very difficult for the adopted mother... until you walk in someone elses shoes, it's not really fair to judge & it does not sound like she did this without much thought
Two issues here. A child who did not receive the attachment foundations and a carer who was unaware of what a lack of attachment means in terms of a childs behaviour. The below comments are one sided.
She reminds me of Octomom and Casey Anthony . She kinda resembles both.
I have attachment disorder myself. I don't really know what to think about it. On the one hand it's better for the child to go to a GOOD family, but on the other hand it creates a new trauma on top of what this child already had. It's a very sad situation, that's for sure. I do think she loved "D", and that she thought this solution was best for her and the child. Especially because her husband is away from home for long periods, and she has to do all by herself then. Hope the child is happy now
Sounds like a pretty biased perspective. I'm not sure what to say in regards to this particular issue to someone from a family that routinely gives its children up to CPS. I guess if I were to communicate one thing, it would be that adoption from early childhood and adoption through CPS are vastly different. The types of people taken by CPS have been abused and are unhappy so of course it's difficult. And the types of people who adopt them vary GREATLY. But often it DOES work out.
Oo Sorry, I don´t understand. She says that she loved him, but couldn´t bond with the baby? How could someone NOT bond with the ones he/she love? Strange.....
Don't be butthurt because I called you out for being a hypocrite.
me either...lolz watwith the rapes, beatings, starvation, and such....how the fuck could I?
@MotherVoltaire Bull
The child doesnt have reactive attachment disorder because there is no such disorder.What we see is parental attachment disorder or the failure of a parent to create a secure attachment. Attachment involves more then just the child its a relationship and one cant look at the child alone. Adopted children are traumatized by premature maternal separation. The primal attachment ended in the child being abandoned. Naturally the child now expects all attachments to end the same way. An attachment schema is created which is a normal survival response to the childs reality. Love means youre going to be hurt and attachment in the adoptive family triggers anxiety. This is not a disorder this is a normal response to avoid being harmed. This is a case of a poor placement by the agency since they never trained the parent, and the parents failure to have the skills to parent an attachment compromised child. The child becomes the scapegoat because the child has no power. Adopted children are nothing like a child one has given birth to and cannot be parented the same way. Parents who think they can just love the child as any other and that infants have no memory of loss are asking for trouble. Agencies never inform them of the true nature of adoption out of fear no one will adopt. The truth is that secure attachments can be created only if the adoptive parents understand how to do it.
+Robert Hafetz -You seem to continue to point the finger at the parents. If they weren't trying they wouldn't have ever adopted. Don't use poor judgement.
This is a lot of psychobabble from someone who has never adopted a child with attachment disorder. Explain why someone could have 3 biological children who are all well attached, then adopt two children at birth who never lived outside the womb with the bio mother and one attaches just like the other children while one is a nightmare of evil behavior without remorse? Wouldn't they BOTH be "victims" of your kooky theory of premature maternal separation trauma? Yes. But they are not. Explain people who never knew they were adopted until they were 60 years old and are happy, well adjusted people who report strong loving bonds with their families? You can't. Explain a biological child who is brought up in a healthy home, never abused or neglected but cannot attach to others and are just mean? You can't with your theory. Some people cannot attach. When it's an adoption situation and there is another family who can better bond with the child, that's where the child should be, instead of being forced to stay with people they hate, causing emotional scars for the entire family and ending up booted from the home at 18 with no skills, no family and no education due to selfish acting out, stealing, terrorizing and abusing their adoptive family while social workers and therapists turn away and shove drugs at the situation.
You're judging what you don't know, haven't experienced and have no understanding of.
Because adopted children respond differently then children one has given birth to. You cant parent them the same way. If you try youll fail and it appears thats what happened. As is often the case the failed parent blames the child. Its also common when parents claim an adopted child is attached they arent. The parent sees what they want to believe. Brodzinski refers to denial of differences parents often experience the most problems. Clearly your mind isnt open which is an indication of your parenting style. The truth is probably very different from what you believe. Maternal separation in infancy resulting in a trauma isnt a theory. Its a fact based on valid research. I have published in peer reviewed journals, counseled more adopted families then I can count, and I am one of these children. If you had an open mind and cared more about the welfare of adoptees then your own pride you would be asking questions instead of making defensive remarks. Your beliefs have no basis in fact but are simply created to make you feel good about yourself. At this point it really dosnt matter.
+Robert Hafetz - don't play the blame game with me because you're a fucked up rad yourself. Many parents struggle don't try and act like you know any of the parents who struggle with this. It's hard and for all you others if you think it's so easy you adopt a rad child and let
Me know how it goes. It's a nightmare and we try very very very hard
As a clinical psychologist who is also an adoption specialist. Please sell your '"magic formula" you will be a billionaire over night.
Why are you talking to yourself? LOL
I don't get it. He was an infant when they adopted him so the bonding issues weren't on his side it was on hers. He reacted based upon what he felt coming from his "mother". It wasn't his fault they didn't bond not even in half his fault that she gave up her kid it is hers and only hers.
She's wearing super low cut dress?
Do you actually know anyone who's been adopted? There is no genetic or scientific evidence that kids have any harder of a time bonding with adoptive parents than they do birth parents, especially if they are adopted as infants. You can't just make things up and pretend they are somehow true. Kids aren't an "it," they are independent and some kids don't bond with some adults because people have different personalities. Unless you have a scientific study to cite that's case closed.
absolutely.....