This was extremely helpful. Glad to know that I'm not crazy. For most of my life I felt like my family operated in a cult-like fashion. My parents where both super controlling and obsessive about presenting a certain perfect public image while in reality we lived in silent misery. Obedience and compliance was my coping mechanism. But I have stubbornness and strong aversion to injustice that often got me into trouble. We were often subjected to a lot of verbal abuse, physical abuse and public humiliation to keep us ' silent and compliant'. We could never do anything right in their eyes. I became an overachiever and anxious perfectionist. Going to college and leaving home was my saving grace. But the more independence I gained, the more my parents found new ways to try and control and stifle my progress and independence. When you speak of cognitive dissonance, dependence and false sense of safety I was literally screaming at my computer scene. I am 40 and finally it's all starting to make sense. I never had the words, knowledge and barely had the courage to express what I know was a super traumatic childhood. My relationship with my parents has totally broken down because I cannot live in denial or silence anymore.. My parents have resorted to using my siblings to do their bidding but fortunately that is starting to fail because they too are coming to terms with the truth.. I am truly grateful for your videos. They have helped me immensely..
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. There is nothing "free" about this way of living and thinking. What so many people fail to realize is that life is to be lived, with boundaries of course, and experienced in a way that allows for freedom of mind, finding of oneself, and exploring the life that God has given. It is not a life to be controlled and dominated by someone else. Even parents have a limited degree of power over their children -- to guide them, give them wisdom, give them insight, love them, etc. It doesn't sound like that was your experience. I'm so glad this was helpful to you. And I truly pray you continue to find the answers and will find the strength to stand in what you know to be true.
I was raised in a family cult. What made it even more confusing is that our family was also a part of a religious cult, and my parents were both respected leaders in that cult. I had to leave the religious cult first, before I could leave my family cult. The family cult was more abusive, more isolated, and had a stronger hold on me.
This was exactly my life.. Manipulation is a soft word for what their intentions are and how it effects our entire life. The relationship for them was nothing more than a strategic mind game designed to keep you as the family scapegoat
My father considered it to be an act of betrayal that I was not trying to model myself around him. Verbally, he was always attacking my expressed thoughts; ways, and values. Also, he was, almost constantly, making false accusations about my various different, supposed intents.
My mother is the cult leader of the family and I was the black sheep/scape goat I had to block them all 2 end toxicity in my life. The description of the charismatic so called upright and wholesome leader is so accurate to my former situation. Ty for this message🙏
You're welcome! I completely understand that. Sometimes that's the only answer you have until something shifts in your life and you can maybe see things different, set healthy boundaries, etc.
Thank you. You always have a clear way of describing this, so many people needs this right now, me included. I always wondered why some members in my family got upset when certain members started outshining other members. It was crazy. So much competition, so much jealousy and envy...it is just a really ugly environment when that happens. You can't even have outside friends without them getting mad, they need to control the narrative of everyone.
Thank you, Tamra, for speaking more about this topic tonight. My Mother-in-law uses Authoritative behaviors to keep the family in line. She’s the Matriarch. Also, she uses their money as a way for her children (adult children) to conform with the family. They don’t speak up about her toxic behaviors. It’s like she can do no wrong. Which is why she’s ostracized her sisters & me (in all fairness I decided no contact with her first). She had shouted on a phone-call “that’s my goal weight!!” when I was answering my in-law’s question about my Father’s failing health. I had said how much he weighed. He passed away in 2021. I don’t have to say anything more. The family including my husband did not punish her for her actions or behavior. Unbelievable🤯
You're welcome! I do believe we need more informatino about this in this world. It truly is a prison for so many. A matriarch can be so destructive to a family. I'm sorry you have experienced this. It's so helpful to learn about this topic, common behaviors, and ways to keep yourself balanced as you deal with a dynamic like this.
I believe my family took a “cultish turn”, based upon my mother wanting to keep my stepfather’s name and work alive, after he passed. I think, for my mother though, more than the work put in, it became about dying with that name intact. And, for her, it seemed like, if she and her daughters weren’t going to be able or willing (both being one and the same), then the plan was for us all to die, without her coming out and saying it. She would, however, tell me that the business was worth dying for and my thought was, “For whom?” As she would try to sabotage my livelihood, I think she began to feel, “How dare you put being fed and sheltered above what I’ve decided the family goal will be!?” That i, in particular, as the eldest and formerly closest child to her, was to fall in line, even if I chose to pair up with someone and I was about 50, when things became apparent and began getting dark. This also meant that, as we’re black and represented the family business, there was no option to “date out”, in her mind or she’d “mess that up for me”. As I’m no wilting flower, I told her she might not even know, if I married. So, the discard picked up steam. Bad, when you’re also being triangulated and your sibling has no idea what’s truly going on. Adding to this difficulty, is working for someone, who you feel comes from a cultural, cultish mindset, in their own family and tries to influence you to remain with yours, because they’re trying to convince you, that you have no escape. At least not one, that is respectful and loyal, to your abusive family. As many find out, perhaps. Scapegoating and discarding does not mean you’re free to go. So, I’ve waged a war against my former sister, since our mother passed, to affect a dynamic of, “Oh no, it’s not me who should be running…” And, to a point now, she is exactly on the run, from the authorities.
THANKS! Unwittingly sucked into religious cult. Demonic. Goal was to convert Christians from salvation by grace (free gift, not earned) to salvation by works - earned. Implication is even the smallest mistake or omission by you is severely punished. Kicked out of church and abandoned by God ideas. If you leave voluntarily can be stalked and guilt and shame used to intimidate you. These are religious zealots not Christians. Very mind warping.
You're welcome! Yes, I very much agree with this statement you make: "Implication is even the smallest mistake or omission by you is severely punished. Kicked out of church and abandoned by God ideas." They are indeed zealots. Lost and confused. Finding your way out of this is freedom.
Tamara. Just as you mention church- I’ve discovered a writer Dr Gerald May. He was a psychiatrist and also very religious in a healthy way. He wrote some very interesting books.
You're welcome!! And thank you so much because it's always a blessing to my soul when I hear this channel is helpfulp to healing. Thank you! So glad this has been helpful to you.
As it pertains to the family, is it possible for someone to have a personality so strong that they can go through all the back stabbing, the wrong doing, the gossip, the ostracizing and still have the ability to maintain their character their integrity accomplish their goals and show the family love through it all??? If so, in this case the victim is also the victor.
Yes, absolutely! 100% In families where there is a cult-like mindset about life, boundaries, values, etc. a person of this character would be considered a psychopath. The coldness, callousness, and warped mindset is destabilizing to the entire family.
This person would be called everything but a child of God. That's so unfortunate. Maximum Strength is required in a family setting such as this one. Critical thinking is required in a family setting such as this one. Being reactionary and emotionally driven will cause life long psychological damage. Like you said, these are all the characteristics they don't want you to have.
I think I see what you are hetting at. It's not connecting for me! 🤦♀️ I'm sorry. Re-read this 5 times lol Probably me! Posed a different way, I may understand it better then.
We're on the same page, trust me. I'm basically agreeing with you about what you said in your monologue. The strong character traits mentioned are character traits this type of family wouldn't want you to possess because they would lose their grip on you psychologically. The person with the strong character traits in this particular family will be called everything but a child of God.
I'll share something about my family that I think may help others. Back in the 90s, I was in therapy, always thinking there was something wrong with me. My therapist asked me to invite my family to come to one session. Interestingly, he only spent a few minutes with them and asked them virtually nothing. I think he was more looking at the body language between family members etc. He came back into the room and said "If I saw you without the context of your family, I may think there is something wrong with you. But in the context of your dysfunctional family, I see you as normal". Well that was the first time I ever really thought there was something wrong with my family. As the years went on, I came to realize that dysfunctional didn't even begin to describe how weird and twisted my family really is. The lies started to crumble and the whole edifice came crashing down in my eyes. The bizzare thing is, each person in the family has a person they blame for the ills of the whole family, but it's a different person for each family member! I used to be into this idea too, but it's not just one person at all! Also oddly, each family member has a different "golden person" and "scaoegoat", I'm both with various members, as are other siblings etc! Totally bizarre, if it weren't so tragic it would be almost amusing!
I was born into a cult-like family and married (and divorced) one. The mindset of such families is that extended family and the public are problematic, so the family must isolate and stick together. I hated it. Neither family were emotionally safe. I saw through the lies and was pretty much ostracized and eventually left.
I'm going experience this in a narcissistic racist neighbor that are in actuality a family community isolation but little do they know I have a TON of evidence but don't know how to prepresent it. Protecting my mother and self for 5 years now going through this. I hope you see this comment because any advice would be appreciated ❤
Yes. Sometimes they exist in rural areas. But here's what is most frightening about them, they can find their way into your life in some form. One of my current clients is going through this with her 75 year old father. He has become a member of a relgious cult, has shared his thoughts and beliefs with her family, and now treats everyone in the family as if he is a "called leader" of some kind. The entire dynamic is abusive.
When you look at religious cults there are alot of commonalities. Criminal crime spree cult behaviors have similar commonalities and it revolves around isolation and reality. And someone who thinks they are an authoritarian that thinks they can control or manupulate everyone. When you look at names of smaller crime rings its indication of a tight nit group.
To see my most recent video on "mistaken identity" click here: ruclips.net/video/8KPcC5U1K0g/видео.htmlsi=7-uwthKiHmPRGBoX
It is a big problem in here.
This was extremely helpful. Glad to know that I'm not crazy. For most of my life I felt like my family operated in a cult-like fashion. My parents where both super controlling and obsessive about presenting a certain perfect public image while in reality we lived in silent misery. Obedience and compliance was my coping mechanism. But I have stubbornness and strong aversion to injustice that often got me into trouble. We were often subjected to a lot of verbal abuse, physical abuse and public humiliation to keep us ' silent and compliant'. We could never do anything right in their eyes. I became an overachiever and anxious perfectionist. Going to college and leaving home was my saving grace. But the more independence I gained, the more my parents found new ways to try and control and stifle my progress and independence. When you speak of cognitive dissonance, dependence and false sense of safety I was literally screaming at my computer scene. I am 40 and finally it's all starting to make sense. I never had the words, knowledge and barely had the courage to express what I know was a super traumatic childhood. My relationship with my parents has totally broken down because I cannot live in denial or silence anymore.. My parents have resorted to using my siblings to do their bidding but fortunately that is starting to fail because they too are coming to terms with the truth..
I am truly grateful for your videos. They have helped me immensely..
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. There is nothing "free" about this way of living and thinking. What so many people fail to realize is that life is to be lived, with boundaries of course, and experienced in a way that allows for freedom of mind, finding of oneself, and exploring the life that God has given. It is not a life to be controlled and dominated by someone else. Even parents have a limited degree of power over their children -- to guide them, give them wisdom, give them insight, love them, etc. It doesn't sound like that was your experience.
I'm so glad this was helpful to you. And I truly pray you continue to find the answers and will find the strength to stand in what you know to be true.
@@naturalgirldiy same
Their karma isn’t fun or funny either
They feel like they own you. Must not give in to them. And that can be difficult
I agree. That's the power you have.
I was raised in a family cult. What made it even more confusing is that our family was also a part of a religious cult, and my parents were both respected leaders in that cult. I had to leave the religious cult first, before I could leave my family cult. The family cult was more abusive, more isolated, and had a stronger hold on me.
This was exactly my life.. Manipulation is a soft word for what their intentions are and how it effects our entire life. The relationship for them was nothing more than a strategic mind game designed to keep you as the family scapegoat
These types of families have unspoken rules - in mine they demanded loyalty.
Very good point. Yes they do. The unspoken rules dominate the family conversations, values, what's accepted, etc. It can feel very overwhelming.
My father considered it to be an act of betrayal that I was not trying to model myself around him. Verbally, he was always attacking my expressed thoughts; ways, and values. Also, he was, almost constantly, making false accusations about my various different, supposed intents.
@@dandoneral5405 Been there, it is hard living with them
Being taken wrong and purposely misunderstood.
Yes, this is so painful
To make others wrong is not right, right!?...
To control your image.
"They're committed to misunderstanding you!" - comment I read somewhere that I completely relate to
My mother is the cult leader of the family and I was the black sheep/scape goat I had to block them all 2 end toxicity in my life. The description of the charismatic so called upright and wholesome leader is so accurate to my former situation. Ty for this message🙏
You're welcome! I completely understand that. Sometimes that's the only answer you have until something shifts in your life and you can maybe see things different, set healthy boundaries, etc.
The truth is not toxic...the truth Sets you free!...but very often the truth is twisted from people...
@@david.s.5336 100%
Very good description- thoughts- feelings- behaviours. It shows the deliberateness if it all- my mother was a violent psychopath.
Yes, you are right! It does show the "deliberateness" of it. Agree.
Thank you. You always have a clear way of describing this, so many people needs this right now, me included. I always wondered why some members in my family got upset when certain members started outshining other members. It was crazy. So much competition, so much jealousy and envy...it is just a really ugly environment when that happens. You can't even have outside friends without them getting mad, they need to control the narrative of everyone.
You're welcome and thank you! Glad this was helpful. And I very much agree this is needed right now, feels like more now than any other time. 😫
Thank you, Tamra, for speaking more about this topic tonight. My Mother-in-law uses Authoritative behaviors to keep the family in line. She’s the Matriarch. Also, she uses their money as a way for her children (adult children) to conform with the family. They don’t speak up about her toxic behaviors. It’s like she can do no wrong. Which is why she’s ostracized her sisters & me (in all fairness I decided no contact with her first). She had shouted on a phone-call “that’s my goal weight!!” when I was answering my in-law’s question about my Father’s failing health. I had said how much he weighed. He passed away in 2021. I don’t have to say anything more. The family including my husband did not punish her for her actions or behavior. Unbelievable🤯
You're welcome! I do believe we need more informatino about this in this world. It truly is a prison for so many. A matriarch can be so destructive to a family. I'm sorry you have experienced this. It's so helpful to learn about this topic, common behaviors, and ways to keep yourself balanced as you deal with a dynamic like this.
I believe my family took a “cultish turn”, based upon my mother wanting to keep my stepfather’s name and work alive, after he passed. I think, for my mother though, more than the work put in, it became about dying with that name intact. And, for her, it seemed like, if she and her daughters weren’t going to be able or willing (both being one and the same), then the plan was for us all to die, without her coming out and saying it. She would, however, tell me that the business was worth dying for and my thought was, “For whom?” As she would try to sabotage my livelihood, I think she began to feel, “How dare you put being fed and sheltered above what I’ve decided the family goal will be!?” That i, in particular, as the eldest and formerly closest child to her, was to fall in line, even if I chose to pair up with someone and I was about 50, when things became apparent and began getting dark. This also meant that, as we’re black and represented the family business, there was no option to “date out”, in her mind or she’d “mess that up for me”. As I’m no wilting flower, I told her she might not even know, if I married. So, the discard picked up steam. Bad, when you’re also being triangulated and your sibling has no idea what’s truly going on. Adding to this difficulty, is working for someone, who you feel comes from a cultural, cultish mindset, in their own family and tries to influence you to remain with yours, because they’re trying to convince you, that you have no escape. At least not one, that is respectful and loyal, to your abusive family. As many find out, perhaps. Scapegoating and discarding does not mean you’re free to go. So, I’ve waged a war against my former sister, since our mother passed, to affect a dynamic of, “Oh no, it’s not me who should be running…” And, to a point now, she is exactly on the run, from the authorities.
THANKS! Unwittingly sucked into religious cult. Demonic. Goal was to convert Christians from salvation by grace (free gift, not earned) to salvation by works - earned. Implication is even the smallest mistake or omission by you is severely punished. Kicked out of church and abandoned by God ideas. If you leave voluntarily can be stalked and guilt and shame used to intimidate you. These are religious zealots not Christians. Very mind warping.
You're welcome!
Yes, I very much agree with this statement you make: "Implication is even the smallest mistake or omission by you is severely punished. Kicked out of church and abandoned by God ideas."
They are indeed zealots. Lost and confused. Finding your way out of this is freedom.
Yes…I left and now my life is in danger
Tamara. Just as you mention church- I’ve discovered a writer Dr Gerald May. He was a psychiatrist and also very religious in a healthy way. He wrote some very interesting books.
Wow! I might Google him and see what I can find. Thank you! You always offer good insights.
Excellent ✅
Thanks 🙂
Thank you for such important work and information! This is incredibly liberating to hear and I hope to deep dive into this for my own healing 🙏🏿✨
You're welcome!! And thank you so much because it's always a blessing to my soul when I hear this channel is helpfulp to healing. Thank you! So glad this has been helpful to you.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
You are so welcome!
Jim" Jones" the Guyana " tragedy" . Someone" once' told" me 'what' goes" on 'in 'the familie "stays "in the 'family" big facts".
As it pertains to the family, is it possible for someone to have a personality so strong that they can go through all the back stabbing, the wrong doing, the gossip, the ostracizing and still have the ability to maintain their character their integrity accomplish their goals and show the family love through it all??? If so, in this case the victim is also the victor.
Yes, absolutely! 100% In families where there is a cult-like mindset about life, boundaries, values, etc. a person of this character would be considered a psychopath. The coldness, callousness, and warped mindset is destabilizing to the entire family.
This person would be called everything but a child of God. That's so unfortunate. Maximum Strength is required in a family setting such as this one. Critical thinking is required in a family setting such as this one. Being reactionary and emotionally driven will cause life long psychological damage. Like you said, these are all the characteristics they don't want you to have.
I think I see what you are hetting at. It's not connecting for me! 🤦♀️ I'm sorry. Re-read this 5 times lol
Probably me! Posed a different way, I may understand it better then.
We're on the same page, trust me. I'm basically agreeing with you about what you said in your monologue. The strong character traits mentioned are character traits this type of family wouldn't want you to possess because they would lose their grip on you psychologically. The person with the strong character traits in this particular family will be called everything but a child of God.
Thank you for clarifying!! I see what you mean. Yes, this dynamic is common in these families and groups.
I'll share something about my family that I think may help others. Back in the 90s, I was in therapy, always thinking there was something wrong with me.
My therapist asked me to invite my family to come to one session. Interestingly, he only spent a few minutes with them and asked them virtually nothing. I think he was more looking at the body language between family members etc.
He came back into the room and said "If I saw you without the context of your family, I may think there is something wrong with you. But in the context of your dysfunctional family, I see you as normal".
Well that was the first time I ever really thought there was something wrong with my family.
As the years went on, I came to realize that dysfunctional didn't even begin to describe how weird and twisted my family really is. The lies started to crumble and the whole edifice came crashing down in my eyes.
The bizzare thing is, each person in the family has a person they blame for the ills of the whole family, but it's a different person for each family member! I used to be into this idea too, but it's not just one person at all!
Also oddly, each family member has a different "golden person" and "scaoegoat", I'm both with various members, as are other siblings etc! Totally bizarre, if it weren't so tragic it would be almost amusing!
No more siblings for me! They're EX-siblings now!!
The constant argument over ‘nothing’… Could be asking to be simply heard without a complete opposition, sigh, or dissing.
I was born into a cult-like family and married (and divorced) one. The mindset of such families is that extended family and the public are problematic, so the family must isolate and stick together. I hated it. Neither family were emotionally safe. I saw through the lies and was pretty much ostracized and eventually left.
I'm going experience this in a narcissistic racist neighbor that are in actuality a family community isolation but little do they know I have a TON of evidence but don't know how to prepresent it. Protecting my mother and self for 5 years now going through this. I hope you see this comment because any advice would be appreciated ❤
I've been seeing increasingly cult like behavior in some people...troubling to say the least
Thank you Tamera
Good evening!🥰
Hello 😊 Hope you are doing well! Thanks for tuning in.
Your amazing!
Thanks so much 😊
Happy Halloween-
Happy Halloween! Not a fan of the holiday but I ❤ the kids and their costumes. Always the best part.
I have seen small community groups that seemed a bit cultish.
Yes. Sometimes they exist in rural areas.
But here's what is most frightening about them, they can find their way into your life in some form. One of my current clients is going through this with her 75 year old father. He has become a member of a relgious cult, has shared his thoughts and beliefs with her family, and now treats everyone in the family as if he is a "called leader" of some kind. The entire dynamic is abusive.
@TherapistTamaraHill I really do worry about it getting into families like that. It seems unreal how fast people can be indoctrinated.
I agree. Yes.
When you look at religious cults there are alot of commonalities. Criminal crime spree cult behaviors have similar commonalities and it revolves around isolation and reality. And someone who thinks they are an authoritarian that thinks they can control or manupulate everyone. When you look at names of smaller crime rings its indication of a tight nit group.
I can't imagine being in one, I hate conforming to one person that is all be all In to free spirited to belong to one. Thats slavery 💩💩💩
That sounds also like what my husband was at.
I hope that wasn’t a person lost in the woods😮
I sent this to my older sister they’re scary lol
Yes, for sure.
Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween to you too! The only thing I like about it is all the cute little babies and their customes. 🙊
I hope i can make it. Kinda depends when my elder is having his live too lol.
Totally get that!!