Wonderful video, I will definitely look into this book. I have 3 tweens and 2 teens and I’ve been thinking a lot and praying a lot about teaching my kids to be resilient and preparing them to be launched into adulthood. Thank you so much for sharing.
I enjoyed the book and agree with its message overall, but it throws the baby out with the bathwater regarding trauma. Childhood trauma is a real thing, and the body does keep the score. Repression is certainly NOT a useful psychological tool for getting on with life, unless we want to encourage zombie-walking instead of authentic living. It is odd that the author acknowledges that bad feelings are actually useful messengers that we should listen to, and in the same breath says that pushing them down is a good way to live. You can't have it both ways. What we should aim for is regulation and the ability to put things into perspective, not repression, and I wish the book made this distinction clearer. It's tempting to want to sweep trauma and its effects under the rug just so we can justify telling our kids to "suck it up," but there's a reason gentle parenting became as popular as it is; we evidently may not yet know how to do it right, but we know for sure our parents got this part very wrong. I do believe the book is completely on the mark though about the futility of giving therapy to children, which seems to be its main message. This is because a good parent-child relationship is what protects against adverse experiences from becoming traumatic in the first place. Independence can and should be encouraged precisely because (ideally) there is always this safety net for the child to return to. Ergo, kids need good parents who are confident in their authority, not a shrink. A good childhood trauma therapist would never accept a child as his client; he would ask the parents to come in instead.
I totally agree with you. Trauma is definitely real. Abigail Shrier did say that therapy had its definitely purpose in these cases as well. I think her main purpose was to point out that people in general have a tendency of calling unexceptional things “traumatic” and focus unnecessary attention on feelings about circumstances that should be brushed under the rug - or at least, maybe discussed then move on. Real trauma should be dealt with and not brushed under the rug… and the subject of another book.
I just wanted to add, that another way I personally choose to deal with negative emotions in our home, is address the feeling and ask, “is it true?”. For example, if my child has been called a hurtful name. We’ll talk about it (with some hugs) and rather than push it down or suck it up, we will throw it away. I think parents just need to be made aware that our own emotions, minute by minute, should not be our focus.
@@littlebitsofbliss Thanks for replying. :) The problem IMO is with how we define "real trauma." We tend to think only grave events like sexual abuse deserve this label, which is just as bad as assuming that every little event is automatically traumatic. I think the author leans much too heavily on an adult's perspective of events. If a child is rejected on a playground, as adults we know this is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, but a child has no way of realizing this unless the parent steps in, comforts him, and tells him it's normal. This is the kind of authority and guidance kids thrive on. I feel this should have been the main talking point in the chapter on trauma, rather than trying to discredit the potential scars that a child can bear from what adults deem as unexceptional events and not "real" trauma. If a child perceives an event as traumatic, then by all accounts, that event was traumatic, no matter how much we might want to dismiss and trivialize it. That is, the event "renders one diminished" and "more limited than before in a way that persists" (quote from Gabor Mate in the book). Literally any negative event has the potential to do this, and it is good that parents recognize that and take it seriously. A child that has a warm and loving family to retreat to will receive the necessary comfort and perspective to move on and become more resilient, but if he doesn't have this, he'll either be broken down and made weaker, or he'll become like many of the adults of the past who were indeed resilient but also repressed and stuck emotionally, aka traumatized! They then pass on that trauma to their children, who grow up to see gentle parenting as the answer, and the pendulum swings the other way... I think the way you deal with negative emotions in your home is perfect. :) Don't dismiss or minimize, but don't make it a catastrophe. Bring your adult perspective to the table. Children that don't receive this, for whatever reason (parents too stressed, not enough time together with child, rocky parent-child dynamic, etc.), grow up to be teenagers that can't talk to their parents about things that at that age and beyond are indeed now a very big deal. Gabor Mate talks about how he'd ask his sick patients, "When you were upset as a child, when you felt not understood, when you felt emotionally troubled, whom did you talk to about it?" and they'd answer "nobody" or "you kept it within yourself." Most of the people in his book are resilient to a fault, thinking they can handle anything and everything by themselves, leading to chronic stress and illness eventually. The people surrounding this resilient person don't see anything wrong with this strength because it does allow one to "get on with life," but they don't see the great cost it exacts on the individual until it's too late. This I believe is what gentle parenting set out to avoid...only to get the exact opposite result!! We don't want adults who can't handle anything, but we don't want adults who see stress as "good" and take on everything by themselves either -- interdependency should be the end goal. A nice balance. Sorry this is so long. It was lovely to gather and organize my thoughts on this topic, as it has been stewing in the back of my mind for a while. Thank you. :)
I've been meaning to read this, I'll definitely pick it up now. Abigail's discussion with Jordan Peterson was incredible, I've shared it with everyone I know!
That sounds like a fascinating book! I'm on board with most of what I've heard, except for a little when it comes to safety. I'm all for letting kids figure out their own solutions to problems, taking on responsibilities, etc. But, for example, I wouldn't let my daughter walk around the neighborhood on her own until she's at least a teenager. We're in a city and it's just not safe. We chose a dance school that's across town because they allow parents to stay and observe. I'm usually gabbing with the other moms, but i like being there and my daughter likes knowing I'm there. Otherwise, my husband and i don't tip toe around her. We shower her with love of course, but we expect correct behavior, and we make it clear that the world does not owe her anything.
@@littlebitsofbliss also, after watching your last video, I listened to episode 60 of the new mason jar podcast. Wow. It's not often I have a major revelation like that! I realized my approach to literature has been all wrong. I was driving myself crazy trying to make it all connect for my daughter and totally missing the point. This definitely made me take a step back to rethink what we're going to read this year, and it's a relief that I can choose great books just for the sake of reading great books. So thank you for being the catalyst for this :)
I wasn’t that impressed by the interviews she did for the book. I felt her interpretation of the data was swayed by her bias. I do understand her goal was to speak to very generalized cultural issues and not get into all the nuances. However, it also seems like her personal opinion is pretty black and white about it. I’ve read other books that got similar points across much better.
Anecdotally, my family and I happen to be a rare exception to some of her points. I get judged from the other direction because of a total anti helicopter parenting narrative.
I agree with you about her bias, however we are all biased. We like to use that word in reference to people who tend to not agree with us or take a hard line on something. In this case, I appreciate her tough stance. A soft approach may be indicative of the problem.
@@RachelDee I am also more of an anti-helicopter parent! Lol… I think the helicopter parenting is more of a common trend in a slightly younger generation of parents 😊
@@littlebitsofbliss I understand we all have a bias, and we should pursue truth to correct our biases as best we can. I overlap with a lot of anti helicopter mindsets and probably 80% of what you shared here because it is observably true. So in part I do agree with her and I’m actually not using it as a broad brush to dismiss her entire book. I’m observing where her bias might have gotten in the way of her interpretation of some specific data, and I’ve read books that handled the topic with (seemingly) less of a one sided interpretation of data. Hold Onto Your Kids as an example, or Hunt, Gather, Parent for instance.
I've made it to 38 without a driver's license. I didn't want to learn to drive in London (England) too crazy! Will definitely check out this book! 🙂
There are definitely some cities where a driver’s license isn’t necessary! 😁
Wonderful video, I will definitely look into this book. I have 3 tweens and 2 teens and I’ve been thinking a lot and praying a lot about teaching my kids to be resilient and preparing them to be launched into adulthood. Thank you so much for sharing.
It’s definitely a book I will keep as a reference on my book shelf!
I looooved the very end. Her synopsis and conclusion was so powerful and beautifully written.
Yes! I totally agree!
I enjoyed the book and agree with its message overall, but it throws the baby out with the bathwater regarding trauma. Childhood trauma is a real thing, and the body does keep the score. Repression is certainly NOT a useful psychological tool for getting on with life, unless we want to encourage zombie-walking instead of authentic living. It is odd that the author acknowledges that bad feelings are actually useful messengers that we should listen to, and in the same breath says that pushing them down is a good way to live. You can't have it both ways. What we should aim for is regulation and the ability to put things into perspective, not repression, and I wish the book made this distinction clearer. It's tempting to want to sweep trauma and its effects under the rug just so we can justify telling our kids to "suck it up," but there's a reason gentle parenting became as popular as it is; we evidently may not yet know how to do it right, but we know for sure our parents got this part very wrong.
I do believe the book is completely on the mark though about the futility of giving therapy to children, which seems to be its main message. This is because a good parent-child relationship is what protects against adverse experiences from becoming traumatic in the first place. Independence can and should be encouraged precisely because (ideally) there is always this safety net for the child to return to. Ergo, kids need good parents who are confident in their authority, not a shrink. A good childhood trauma therapist would never accept a child as his client; he would ask the parents to come in instead.
I totally agree with you. Trauma is definitely real. Abigail Shrier did say that therapy had its definitely purpose in these cases as well. I think her main purpose was to point out that people in general have a tendency of calling unexceptional things “traumatic” and focus unnecessary attention on feelings about circumstances that should be brushed under the rug - or at least, maybe discussed then move on.
Real trauma should be dealt with and not brushed under the rug… and the subject of another book.
I just wanted to add, that another way I personally choose to deal with negative emotions in our home, is address the feeling and ask, “is it true?”. For example, if my child has been called a hurtful name. We’ll talk about it (with some hugs) and rather than push it down or suck it up, we will throw it away. I think parents just need to be made aware that our own emotions, minute by minute, should not be our focus.
@@littlebitsofbliss
Thanks for replying. :) The problem IMO is with how we define "real trauma." We tend to think only grave events like sexual abuse deserve this label, which is just as bad as assuming that every little event is automatically traumatic. I think the author leans much too heavily on an adult's perspective of events. If a child is rejected on a playground, as adults we know this is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, but a child has no way of realizing this unless the parent steps in, comforts him, and tells him it's normal. This is the kind of authority and guidance kids thrive on. I feel this should have been the main talking point in the chapter on trauma, rather than trying to discredit the potential scars that a child can bear from what adults deem as unexceptional events and not "real" trauma. If a child perceives an event as traumatic, then by all accounts, that event was traumatic, no matter how much we might want to dismiss and trivialize it. That is, the event "renders one diminished" and "more limited than before in a way that persists" (quote from Gabor Mate in the book). Literally any negative event has the potential to do this, and it is good that parents recognize that and take it seriously.
A child that has a warm and loving family to retreat to will receive the necessary comfort and perspective to move on and become more resilient, but if he doesn't have this, he'll either be broken down and made weaker, or he'll become like many of the adults of the past who were indeed resilient but also repressed and stuck emotionally, aka traumatized! They then pass on that trauma to their children, who grow up to see gentle parenting as the answer, and the pendulum swings the other way...
I think the way you deal with negative emotions in your home is perfect. :) Don't dismiss or minimize, but don't make it a catastrophe. Bring your adult perspective to the table. Children that don't receive this, for whatever reason (parents too stressed, not enough time together with child, rocky parent-child dynamic, etc.), grow up to be teenagers that can't talk to their parents about things that at that age and beyond are indeed now a very big deal.
Gabor Mate talks about how he'd ask his sick patients, "When you were upset as a child, when you felt not understood, when you felt emotionally troubled, whom did you talk to about it?" and they'd answer "nobody" or "you kept it within yourself." Most of the people in his book are resilient to a fault, thinking they can handle anything and everything by themselves, leading to chronic stress and illness eventually. The people surrounding this resilient person don't see anything wrong with this strength because it does allow one to "get on with life," but they don't see the great cost it exacts on the individual until it's too late. This I believe is what gentle parenting set out to avoid...only to get the exact opposite result!! We don't want adults who can't handle anything, but we don't want adults who see stress as "good" and take on everything by themselves either -- interdependency should be the end goal. A nice balance.
Sorry this is so long. It was lovely to gather and organize my thoughts on this topic, as it has been stewing in the back of my mind for a while. Thank you. :)
@@Meowch3 all excellent points! I completely agree with you. Parents definitely need to guide their children in these kinds of circumstances.
I've been meaning to read this, I'll definitely pick it up now. Abigail's discussion with Jordan Peterson was incredible, I've shared it with everyone I know!
I’ll take a listen to that discussion as well! 😃
That sounds like a fascinating book! I'm on board with most of what I've heard, except for a little when it comes to safety. I'm all for letting kids figure out their own solutions to problems, taking on responsibilities, etc. But, for example, I wouldn't let my daughter walk around the neighborhood on her own until she's at least a teenager. We're in a city and it's just not safe. We chose a dance school that's across town because they allow parents to stay and observe. I'm usually gabbing with the other moms, but i like being there and my daughter likes knowing I'm there. Otherwise, my husband and i don't tip toe around her. We shower her with love of course, but we expect correct behavior, and we make it clear that the world does not owe her anything.
That sounds like great parenting to me! I think we have to use common sense and our own intuition for sure!
@@littlebitsofbliss also, after watching your last video, I listened to episode 60 of the new mason jar podcast. Wow. It's not often I have a major revelation like that! I realized my approach to literature has been all wrong. I was driving myself crazy trying to make it all connect for my daughter and totally missing the point. This definitely made me take a step back to rethink what we're going to read this year, and it's a relief that I can choose great books just for the sake of reading great books. So thank you for being the catalyst for this :)
@@christiejean2653 love this! ❤️
I also thought this book was excellent, thanks for sharing about it!
Thanks for watching! 😊
I wasn’t that impressed by the interviews she did for the book. I felt her interpretation of the data was swayed by her bias. I do understand her goal was to speak to very generalized cultural issues and not get into all the nuances. However, it also seems like her personal opinion is pretty black and white about it. I’ve read other books that got similar points across much better.
Anecdotally, my family and I happen to be a rare exception to some of her points. I get judged from the other direction because of a total anti helicopter parenting narrative.
I agree with you about her bias, however we are all biased. We like to use that word in reference to people who tend to not agree with us or take a hard line on something. In this case, I appreciate her tough stance. A soft approach may be indicative of the problem.
@@RachelDee I am also more of an anti-helicopter parent! Lol… I think the helicopter parenting is more of a common trend in a slightly younger generation of parents 😊
@@littlebitsofbliss I understand we all have a bias, and we should pursue truth to correct our biases as best we can. I overlap with a lot of anti helicopter mindsets and probably 80% of what you shared here because it is observably true. So in part I do agree with her and I’m actually not using it as a broad brush to dismiss her entire book. I’m observing where her bias might have gotten in the way of her interpretation of some specific data, and I’ve read books that handled the topic with (seemingly) less of a one sided interpretation of data. Hold Onto Your Kids as an example, or Hunt, Gather, Parent for instance.
@@RachelDee I have read Hunt Gather Parent! Excellent book!