TikTok "Self-Care" Trends Are Making Gen Z's Loneliness Epidemic Worse
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- Опубликовано: 5 ноя 2024
- TikTok "Self-Care" Trends Are Making Gen Z's Loneliness Epidemic Worse. In today's video, we delve into the prevalent friendship recession affecting Gen Z, exacerbated by TikTok's portrayal of "self-care." The platform has redefined self-care as mean, unempathetic, and toxic, encouraging the hasty termination of friendships over perceived "red flags" that may not even be genuine issues. This trend intensifies the friendship drought and loneliness experienced by Gen Z. The shift towards hustle culture and an obsessive focus on self-care trends is replacing authentic human connections, ultimately hindering the pursuit of true happiness, social connection & friendship.
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tags: salem tovar, salem tovar youtube, youtube salem tovar, salem youtube, youtube salem, video essay, commentary, commentary video, commentary genre, self-care, self-help, Why TikTok "Self-Care" Trends Are Actually Making Us More Lonely.., thewizardliz, sprinkle sprinkle, self-centeredness is not self-care, chronically online, that girl, it girl, social media, social commentary, hustle culture, individualism, why is it hard to make friends, stop being nice, internet analysis
Friendship decline, relationship decline, family decline...its like we are being conditioned to merely depend on tech companies for any type of connection.
while the same companies make an effort to cut the humanity out of our connections by automating every single damn thing
This world sucks, I miss my live before the panini
thisssss
For real, I only have one friend in real life, I feel so lonely and it's making my depression worse.
I’ve notice that too, but people are obsessed with materials 💸💸💸
I'm tired of the lack of patience and grace we extend to each other. If someone doesn't perfectly slot into your aestheticized life, it's considered an act of self care to cut them out. They're "preventing you from being your best self." Why can we no longer grow into our best selves together and understand that no one is going to be their best at all times?
and that's on period, relationships are all about growth-but it seems like no one wants to grow together as people anymore!
It's WILD how ppl will try and try again to maintain an extremely toxic romantic relationship but dump a friend of 5 years over a misunderstanding.
My theory is that may be due to how common therapy speak has become. When you see influencers or even a podcast episode summarizing or storifying a clipped view of someone's mental health journey and they edited to have a conclusion, it makes people think mental health can be gamified.
There is no patience, grace, sense of nuance, or forgiveness.
@@AdvancedInternet9393
no one will ever be the "best" version of themselves because I doubt that even exists. But even if it did exist, It would never be something reacheable.
Friendship and relationships in general are also about allowing the people who compose it to grow as people to improve themselves. A relationship is something we want because it gives more good then bad to us, not because it only gives good. As long as someone gets more joy and less sufering from being in a relationship, they will, regardless of if the person is perfect or not.
So someone shouldn't wait to be "perfect" to form a relationship because not only is perfection never acheivable but being alone prevents our personal improvement and happyness.
The issue Is that people are now being thought that truly taking care of themselves is being independent and cutting ties with people they have a interdependent relationship with.
Also, most are scared of doing what is required to form a relationship. In both cases, they don't get the happyness of a relationship because the avoid forming them, despite a relationship being good and necesary for humans who are social creatures.
I also don’t like that self care is becoming synonymous with the beauty industry and consumerism.
Yes. People forget that the most focal part of self care is change, not just adding.
It feels that anytime we as a society invent a way to better and care for ourselves, corporations will figure out how to box it up and sell it to us.
Yessssss the way they look like an influencer for the video. I love all the themed looks for the videos.
@@Bunny-sw8ztcapitalism🎉
THIS! Literally consumerism is taking over self care it's not about the act of love anymore but the products you buy or the "maintenance" services you pay for. It's ridiculous. (alsooo 500th like and early bird!!)
My friends are always like “I look like a fan” whenever they wave to someone and they don’t notice. I feel like our generation has gotten so quick to be embarrassed over the littlest things because of how judgmental we’ve become. It’s honestly annoying
right like regular tiny everyday awkwardness turned into "social anxiety" because everything needs a label nowadays and nobody can just live their life
my friend said the same thing and said she gets 2nd hand embarrassment for me when it happens. I literally couldn’t care less, the people i wave to are my friends , and if they don’t notice , too bad? 🤷🏽♀️
NO LITERALLYYY, i hear people around me all the time being embarrassed of “looking like a fan” for following someone they want to be friends with & they don’t follow back. (exactly what salem is saying at 19:42) like.. if you wanna be friends with them, go ahead? 😭 who cares if you “look like a fan”
people don’t realize that it’s hard for them to make friends now because they’re so afraid of embarrassment
ikr!! ugh
It took having kids for me to realize how important community is. I didn’t want my kids to grow up seeing their mother be friendless and withdrawn. My own mother was and is that way and I think it affected my own social anxiety massively. I’m just now unlearning it and putting myself out there.
My parents were also that way. I never got to see friendships or how family relationships should play out from them and I feel it emphasized my anxiety. Luckily I fell into a wonderful friend group and had other non family members in my life who were able to guide me
I moved to a different country in Europe because I got married there. 1 year has passed and I have met 0 friends. Social life just doesn't exist and I feel like I forgot how to act with people. I feel more scared than ever to have kids. When I just moved here I felt ready and i could have kids immediately, but now I just feel like I'm just gonna pull them into the lonely antisocial hole with me and my husband. He's even more antisocial, but his point is that when we have kids we will naturally be forced to change, but I can't risk it. I want to be prepared first.
I grew up thinking that grownups didn't have real friends because my mom didn't have any stable friendships (I think from her own actions, she's quick to fight and slow to forgive).
My parents didn’t teach me much at all on how to
Make friends or maintain them and how to establish boundaries .. I had to learn it all on my own and it took me into my 30s to get it down .. ugh
Good for you, girl, for recognizing the issue and working on yourself to break generational behaviour. It is NOT easy. Good on you!
My neighbour is 84 years old. She invites her grandson and his partner to her place for tea every Saturday afternoon. They saw me in my yard one day and started inviting me. Then they invited our neighbours across the street. This started a few years ago and now it's an afternoon party every Saturday and it's just a lovely time! I don't have much in common with any of them on the surface but we've definitely had some fun conversations about random things.
I think many times, people want to curate their friends. Only wanting to associate with specific types of people and being dismissive of others. That is to their own detriment since they miss out on meeting a lot of great people.
The fun of life is letting people surprise you (in a good way).
That is so so lovely! This comment makes me so happy!
I agree with this so much bc not all my friends are my age. One of my friends is 30 another 22, 23, and I would even consider my friend’s little sister, who is 15, one of my close friends too! Even my friends moms are so fun to hang out with. When we get together we don’t feel the difference, we’re all just girls lol
such a beautiful statement, thank you!!
That's so sweet!
Totally agree. My best friend s are the most unexpected ones
Self care isn’t just bubble baths and face masks. Self care is calling your parents for help. Self care is making doctors appointments. Self care is reaching out to someone when all you’d rather do is self isolate. It’s not always comfy cozy, but doing things that need to be done to make things better for you down the road. Love your commentary as always
And making the effort to go hang out with a friend and maybe be there for them instead of just wallowing in your own self pity. The best way to beat a sense of uselessness and apathy and self loathing is to go help someone else.
Yessss!
100%
I get so frustrated by the idea of "you should always be there for your friends and check up on them". As an adult it's on me to reach out to my friends when I need help; they can't read my mind. :/
Love this
Actually I feel better now I don’t « self care » (cosmetics etc) and take care of my soule (through philosophy, fun sports…)
I think a lot of people are in survival mode and honestly, it's hard to trust many things these days (media, government, future, etc).
This ^
Agreed
@ville__I REBUKE YOU AND YOUR Cruel words IN THE NAME IN JESUS!!!
@ville__ nothings gonna happen lol
@hafsa._.m I have so much betrayal trauma, I’m still healing from my friendships in middle school, high school, college I’m 23 and can only trust God😭😂amen. I’m never sharing secrets, stories about my family or life, my fears, my pains, my exes, my crushes… Imma keep it surface level for a while. Lost too many “friends” embarrassing me behind my back for a laugh. Makes it hard to be vulnerable again…
I've seen a several people "boundary" their way out of friendships and (non-toxic) family relationships. Like yes boundaries are important but if you keep screaming no is a complete sentence at everyone, no one's gonna want to hang with you. I had a therapist try to convince me that i should set boundaries with boundary setters to take back my power in the relationship. Like the world has become a giant boundary setting black-hole nightmare where everyone must be perfect and also a mind reader
Damn you really summed it up.
Those people are conflict avoidant. They “set a boundary” and walk away.
@@BlakRainbow39 But that is perfectly allowed.
@@remiremsar5946 and yet not without consequences, like literally all other things, as this video points out
@@rathernot6509 allowed nontheless, mind your business
It's clear people don't care for each other anymore, I'm gen z and I cry every day because of how hard life is right now, and I'm still trying to find happiness and I've realized depending on people doesn't help anymore. I feel that everyone is competing with each other instead of helping. I also think with climate change, pollution, less animals and less color in the world now than ever before along with our ever growing human population is making it hard to stay happy especially with all the hate in the world.
yep. the world is a dumpster fire. there’s so much anger and hate now, it’s very sad
Don't worry, it gets better 😂
Inter-dependency is the only way.
People _DO_ need each other.
We need mutual, two-way needing built on a foundation of respect and reciprocation.
Not in this life baby. Good luck on finding those type of people nowadays... 😔
@@luna6691 as stated in the video, it is not a "nowadays" problem but more a specific problem for american Gen Z. Generally speaking, kindness and honest empathy always reciprocrates. So being the version of friend you want to have, helps guiding people into being that version. That being said, this is not always easy to follow and it hurts to see a complete generation hurting over there
i don't know if u know but asian people are interdependent people it can be good but it is worse for us people are so caught up in trying to impress each other that nowadays people can make u feel miserable just by saying one word we are also so lonely but we would prefer loneliness then people judging us to the point that we wanna k*ll ourselves
Thoreau
@@luna6691speak for yourself harpie
Low maintenance relationships for the win. With how busy our lives are nowadays, I think that "errand-hang" with your friends is the only way to stay in touch regularly. "I need new shoes, wanna come shopping with me?", "I don't feel like cooking alone, want to join me?", "I'm exhausted and about to get take-out. Would you like me to get you something too and come over?". "I need to clean my place. Do want want to come over this weekend, and we'll tackle your place next wee?" Those turned some to be of the best times with friends. Even just talking with people on the phone while you're sitting on the couch. You don't need to plan huge elaborate events every time you meet, but you do need to make an effort to stay connected.
YES! Totally. I have a friend like this and it’s so refreshing. It’s hard to find friends like this
This ! Very good point
I get so offended sometimes when I’m NOT invited to the errand hangs to certain stored 😂 idk what it is, but you wanted to go buy fabric for a project and didn’t bring me? I’m hurt
I live in the US and have not heard about "errand hangs" until this
this is great advice!
On one hand people say they are lonely but on the other they blatantly admit they will do nothing for their friends. Friendship take effort, like any relationship.
Thisssss
That's my issue, I literally just don't want to put effort into a friendship. It always ended up with me being taken advantage of in the past.
I did exactly that with 1 friend for 9 years. Guess what? Once I told her I could not do her a favor I’d been doing for her for at least 4 years, she stopped talking to me, and FYI she never did me any favors.I’m not the kind to get advantage of people and thought she was the same but turns out I was wrong so no more friends for me
@@1EatOreosfriends help each other! if she didn’t help you but you helped her all the time, she wasn’t a real friend. i’m sorry that you went through this and i hope you find someone that will reciprocate your attention on a friendship! friends are really important so never fully give up on finding them :)
Facts. They’re so uncompromising
Here are some easy tips as a 25 year old I have done to try and curb loneliness:
1). If you have a problem cancelling on people, invite them to you. It’s harder to cancel.
2). If someone has problems getting to you, offer them a ride. Offer to meet them for coffee.
3). It doesn’t have to be expensive. Plan a potluck night with friends. Plan a craft or paint night and people bring supplies. I hosted a cake decorating party for Valentine’s Day. Make a fire and make s’mores. Go for a walk. Go thrifting. Learn how to cook together at home.
4). I started a weekly watch party for the bachelor series. I cook some extra food, make a drink, and have it in my living room. It’s a low commitment thing for my friends (who didn’t know each other before hand). It helps me as I have been wanting to get better at cooking and bartending, and if my friends feel bad for missing one week, they can catch the next one. Sometimes only one person shows, sometimes I have 7. This helps me not just see my coworkers every day.
It doesn’t have to be a large effort, but I have had people tell me that they really appreciate the effort. And I have girls that told me that even though they don’t attend, they always appreciate the invite. And because you brought people to you, they are more likely to bring you to them too when they get an idea.
But how do you find the people to invite to your potluck? I used to have this kind of friend group and since moving and being in my later 20’s I DONT UNDERSTAAAND
I've invited friends but they're the one canceling on me 😅
this is a super cute idea ! my workplace does bi - weekly book clubs & i thought that was so cute & wanted to try it 📖 they read ch. 1-12 then two weeks into the month they meet up & discuss & then they read the rest & meet up two weeks later & discuss it again ☺️ so cute hehe
you sound like a great friend. 💕
I also feel like a lot of this also stems from a lot of anxiety and insecurities. We’ve also made ourselves too comfortable over the years by avoiding discomfort, avoiding boredom, avoiding difficult conversations and topics. Nobody knows how to be vulnerable or how to deal with their complicated feelings or difficult conversations and much all need to happen for any deep meaningful relationships.
I agree with that.
I've basically lost all my friends in the past 4 years. Mostly because I'm so beyond tired of putting in the effort and getting absolutely nothing in return. It's exhausting. And not worth it in the long run. 15-20 years of friendship really doesn't mean anything to people anymore.
I felt that, but also history means nothing if they’ve been treating you poorly consistently. Time to find new people that align with us.
I can relate. Although I still have 4 amazing friends today, I did lose a lot of friends from the past because of this exact reason. Honestly, it does get tiring after a while, especially when you're the one who is constantly reaching out to make sure they're ok and that's the only time the other recipient contacts you at all. So while I do still miss my past friends occasionally because of the good memories I had with them, I now have peace of mind knowing who my real friends are and knowing that they appreciate my friendship.
Totally agree. Why can't people who value relationships seem to find each other though?
My exact situation hope your doing well
Sometimes people do just not put in effort or don't care, sometimes you do naturally grow apart, sometimes they don't reach out because they don't want to burden or bother you, sometimes your friends have stuff going on that needs to take their primary focus, and sometimes friendship groups settle into habits and people don't realise. I have to explain this to my nan on a regular basis: YOUR FRIENDS ARE NOT MINDREADERS. THEY CANNOT KNOW HOW YOU FEEL OR WHAT YOU NEED FROM THEM UNLESS YOU TELL THEM. IF YOU WANT THEM TO REACH OUT MORE, THEN TELL THEM.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think the number ONE killer of friendships and proponent of loneliness is the disappearance of third spaces, specifically free third spaces. That's where people used to meet friends. It was a way to hang out and exist among other people.
There are literally no free third spaces now it’s insane, you can’t even park your car somewhere without having to pay
this is something i really came to appreciate when i lived in tokyo. a city infamous worldwide for being incredibly lonely and having antisocial, depressed citizens. and theres literally NO free third spaces! parks cost money to enter and there aren't even any benches in public! nowhere to sit and chat, to stop on the way from A-B... its even worse than it is in western countries, which made me take the 3rd spaces decline far more seriously. coming from a rural area, its also very isolating there. the only 3rd spaces are in nature and thus not suitable most of the year.
I completely agree. and this is especially detrimental to people who don't have a lot of money to spend, like young people. if meeting people/making friends requires funds then there are people who'll be priced out
I totally agree about the loss of 3rd spaces. I actually have random 3rd space hangouts with my friends. The last one I had was at IKEA. We didn’t buy anything but just to walk around, chatting and getting decor inspiro was fun and we’re going to do another random 3rd space hangout again😁
THIS !!!
no wonder we're lonely, we're busy trying to survive in this economy
Inshallah@ville__
We survive in community and together. Usa is a very individualistic society and it is very sad.
i can't say anything about the us, because I'm not American, but in my country, it's getting harder and harder trusting people around you
That's so true.. The effects of inflation in my country are crazy. It makes us prioritise to work & earn $ (capitalist mindset) rather than build a strong community. No one's really want to volunteer (out of genuine intentions) because we'd rather have jobs since it generates $.
Excuses. You always find time for important things.
I will say though- someone not being able to maintain friendships and everyone hating you doesn’t always mean that you’re the problem or that you’re toxic. There is such thing as bullying, scapegoating and singling someone out. I’ve been the victim of this and it’s effected my ability to make friends.
i completely agree and I was looking for a comment like this!
i’m autistic, and this comment made me feel seen. i’ve always been hated for simply existing. people who had never even spoken to me before would target me for bullying and harassment in school and workplaces. i could just be minding my own business and my classmates would come up to me and start harassing me about the way i was sitting or what i was wearing or anything else they could come up with. i hate being told that it’s my fault. i’ve spent so many night crying myself to sleep because i feel like im a mistake for simply being born
Agreed. I’ve kept one friend from high school and was made to feel like I was the problem, but in college I have a pretty large group of random friends who are always happy to hang out with me. It’s hard navigating a world where everyone is either toxic or angelic because it’s more complex than that.
Yes. This is a very real thing. Sometimes a perfectly likable, decent, formerly social person ends up isolated due to varied, “unfair” circumstances. In high school a group of girls dropped me bc the insecure ring leader randomly decided they should. Later in my life, a nasty rumor was spread about me in the town I lived in and I was basically ostracized. And I was the scapegoat of my family. And I’m not perfect- like most, I’ve made poor choices in friendships and learned better.
I can’t help but feel frustrated for those of us who’ve been dealt these hands. Sometimes it’s uncontrollable and being a good person can’t save you. And that’s tough but ya keep going and fighting for quality human connection.
@@joleedavis9933 This comment made me feel so seen
I'm a Millennial, and I haven't made any new friends in person in a good decade now, so long before the events of 2020. From what I've seen, everyone is set on their already established friend groups, are only interested if you're also a part of a couple, or hang out with their own family pretty much exclusively. If you're different then they are in pretty much any way, they want nothing to do with you. I know I've spiraled into some pretty deep depressions because of it. I'm actually a very nice and loyal person, but because a lot of people are so stuck on themselves, no one cares about those traits.
As Gen Z i relate. People have their own groups and hardly accept to let someone new in unless they are a certain way. I only found true friends online.
Don't try to chill with people that won't let you in. Find those that will. It doesn't have to be a group of people. Find one person. Spend your time on those that let you in.
My heart hurts for everyone hurting right now, including myself ❤
you're not alone
@@_salemtovar_ thank you sweetheart 🩷 I’m sending good vibes to whomever accepts. We definitely need them. Thank you for speaking about this. It’s so important!
Il hurting a lot and moving for this reason. My state is so lonely and antisocial :( pray for me
As someone that does not have social media, I can absolutely say I felt way more lonely when I had it than I do now. Social media can be great but we’re doing it wrong. I also feel like the lack of parenting these days is a huge contributor to this issue. iPads aren’t parents, followers don’t equal friends.
Amen amen amen !!!! I feel so much better without Instagram, Facebook, and snapchat. However, my best friend says she's bad at texting and it's better to reach her through Instagram. That's too bad, I guess we just can't communicate easily 🤷♀️ I'm not making Instagram just to be able to get in touch with 1 person.
I think parents try to hard to be cool friends to their kids. As the saying goes, kids used to want to impress their parents but since social media, parents are trying too hard to impress their kids.
So true! I highly suggest dropping social media. It really does wonders. It made me connect more with my irl friends and family.
As a gen z I agree, it's genuinely inane how much happier I felt after I deleted tik tok. And yeah when/if I have kids they're not getting their own personal device until high school lmao.
This! I recently got off of social media for two months straight and whenever I have to open it for work it feels like a gut punch. I feel so much more human without it
This video really hit close to home bc I’ve been having the hardest time making friends at my college (especially bc it’s a commuter college) and the times I try to connect with someone they either took 2 days to reply to my text, are very dry, or never talk to me again.
Why is it a problem if they take a while to reply? Maybe they were busy or not in the mood, it doesn't mean they don't want to be friends. Or maybe they don't like texting (I hate it, too - just call me or come over, but don't make me type on a small screen for an hour).
I admit, I’m an extremely lonely person, but I’ve been extremely lonely since I was five. I’ve never had any friends and was always labeled as weird growing up. I’m not getting those labels anymore as a 19 year old girl but I’ve noticed I just can’t make friends. I always attempt but I think most ppl aren’t looking for friendship, it’s getting to the point where I feel like if I want some type of human comfort I need to be in a romantic or physical relationship because it feels like that’s the only time I’m getting talked too.
So relatable!
I feel like the way society is structured right now, selfish, unempathetic, and agressive behavior is like rewarded and being a genuine or good person just makes you a target or a tool to be used and that's so frustrating you know? Because why does it have to be this way? Why can't we take care of each other and look out for each other? I catch myself acting hostile as a defense mechanism to people pleasing tendencies but why do I have to go fully in the other direction in order to not be a door mat?
Being a genuine or good person only isolates me more
Being genuine scares people who aren't used to authentic interaction. Being good to people who don't understand this act to be good, to people who are suspicious, doubtful, cynical et al., who don't care about goodness and might even use it against you, and last but not least, to people who are also good to others but now want to one-up you and win at being the goodest person won't...really help anyone feel better about being good or genuine.
The sad fact is, individualistic culture demands the individual alone be responsible for their acheivements. And even if this is rarely true, on paper it's the way the story needs to be presented. Characteristics associated with communion, emotions and the fluffy stuff like oh meaning and fulfillment and a sense of purpose...don't really jive with entrepeneurial goals, don't really benefit the 'bottom line' and are actually seen as hurting a businessperson's net profit. In short, the traits necessary to succeed in the world are elevated past acceptable behavior and into laudable behavior, and the traits necessary to succeed in your own understanding are devalued, have been depreciating, and actually help the bots and crooks manipulate and harm good people. My two cents
I'm gonna say it.. Patriarchal societies are fucked up. The more patriarchal and superficial ideals a society has, the worse it is for people. I've gone to countries where women are treated with more respect, as well as LGBT folks, and those people are just.. nicer? and way less judgemental, with less jealousy, less insecurities, and they are able to open up more and form genuine platonic relationships. We can't ignore the environment we grew up in, cause it effects our every thought about other people and ourselves.
Usually people who are good are mistreated. There is a whole book called “The Idiot” about a guy who is genuine and cares only about others. Everyone in the society he lives in calls him an idiot and takes advantage of him because they think being pure and caring for others is stupid. They think life is all about getting ahead. The selfishness of the society drives the pure man to insanity. Throughout history good people have always been put down. It’s only in retrospect that they are seen as good.
@@AlbertEinstein-gt8uu if you don't mind telling me, who is it by? I'm very curious to check the book out
yea the loneliness forced me into my “self care era” but then i was too depressed to even care
🤣
Relatable!
It doesn’t help that people will flake on you as soon as they feel like even the slightest bit inconvenienced with the plans they made with you. It’s exhausting trying to make plans and look forward to hanging out with people only to get flaked on day of. I don’t even try to hang out with people any more because of it. And those same people will wonder why they’re lonely.
Blaming others for your loneliness isn't gonna make you less lonely. You either search for those people who do not "flake on you" (cause yes, NOT everyone does that) or you stay alone for the rest of your time.
If people would make an effort instead of being flaky, then they wouldn't be lonely
@@eleriamirayse6859 It seriously deteriorates my mental health constantly being flaked on. I’m glad you don’t know what it feels like, but it makes you feel like crap to constantly have your time wasted by selfish people. I don’t close myself off to new relationships but I don’t actively pursue it either because I seriously cannot deal with the stress and heartache anymore. And yes I absolutely can blame other people because people no longer seem to know how to keep their word. If they did this wouldn’t be happening. Cause and Effect
@@eleriamirayse6859 This is a very insensitive comment that lacks any sort of empathy or trying to understand OP's pov. They seem to be someone who is unlucky and got constantly flaked by others, so ofc they're going to feel fed up and too tired to make an effort anymore. This isn't just "blaming lonliness on others". Learn to be more kind to others.
@@HusbandoCollectorThere are moments when empathy is an appropriate response and moments when it is not. If something bad happens to you & you need a little vent empathy can be a good thing but if you use victim mentality as a cope to not solve your problem in the long run, then empathy will do nothing but enable that mentality. "You poor thing, you really are the victim, it's okay if you do nothing about it cause it really ain't your fault...". OP sounds a bit too much like that IMO.
So true, as an introvert I hate how people make assumptions about introverts, but in real life we are the opposites, yes we always do not like people, but we also love hanging outs, parties, we arenot shy how they portray us. We are not complicated, we love family, friends. We just do not have too much friends or meet new people every sec time.
Honestly this is hitting a little too hard for me personally. Youre so right about this. For most of my life ive been very isolated and i had depression from a very young age. Alongside bullying it was probably because of a couple other underlying issues but its really made it difficult to make lasting connections with people. SInce i graduated high school in january ive been stuck alone at home. my whole existence is whatever is in my room. I got a bird as a graduation gift since my dad promised me and that helps sometimes but its hard to keep in contact with my friends, im always by myself during the day and the job market in my city is terrible, ive been looking for a year to get a job and ive got no luck. My social anxiety has always made life a little difficult but at this point its becoming hard to even take a walk around my neighborhood. I have to go out to the store sometimes which gets me out of the house, and i used to enjoy it but since ive been cooped up in my room its been so agonizing to go anywhere. And even though social interaction has been difficult and i almost feel like i dont want it i still think about it all night wishing i had someone to talk to. not text. not call. someone to hang out with in real life and talk to and hug.
😭
🦆 As someone that’s neurodivergent as well making friends is SO difficult. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone more and actually went to a game night at a coworker’s house and had a lot of fun! Immediately the day after I got a cold and now it feels like the universe is against me making more friends lol
Hey, you tried and you had fun, that's more than what some people can say. For what's worth coming from a stranger on the internet I'm proud of you
bro for about 6 parties in a row I would get sick the next day every single time! with the flu or something
* over 3 years oof I didn't go to many
Neurodivergent here too, and my biggest trait is a lack of understanding of nonverbal social cues/rules. I'm constantly afraid that I'm accidentally offending someone by unknowingly breaking unspoken social rules (ie: you can never say 'no' to someone, you have to soften the blow by saying "I'm busy with something else, I can't" or something like that)
24:04 “rejection is not rejection, rejection is just redirection towards where you truly belong”
Ty Salem!✨🦆🦆🦆
Parasocial?
Rejection is God's protection.
I had a “friend” that when I was going through rough times and asked for support , she’d say she couldn’t give me support and be there for me because she was too busy taking care of her mental health …. She’d say she couldn’t be there for me because i’d hurt her mental health ……but expected me to drop everything for hers when she couldn’t even hear me out ….. made me hate the self care obsession this person used it to justify narcissism
That happened to me too
I had a "friend" like that to and she tried encouraging me to isolate whenever I needed help safe to say she is not a friend anymore.
Yup, my last “bestie” was like this. Then dumped me when I was no longer willing to fully support her drama.
Similar thing happened to me. One of my closest friends basically ghosted me when I was navigating homelessness bc she was "busy" with her career. That's a rupture I'm not interested in mending, I'm good luv enjoy ✌🏻
@@hhaannnnaahh222 I’d never let my friend go homeless. I’d take her in
My best friend got rid of me after 15 (!) years of friendship. I was the one who did a lot for her and even bought her flowers, despite us being 4,000 km away from each other. One day, I simply invited her to my special day, and she started ignoring me for 2 weeks. When I asked what was going on, she basically just stupidly said, 'Oh no, you did nothing wrong, the problem is me,' and nothing more. After that, I don't want any friends anymore.
you deserve better :((
Commenting this mid video so maybe it’s touched on, buuuuut as an introvert who works in the service industry, I mostly get overwhelmed by feeling like I’m constantly reachable (texting, calling, social media). Sometimes that alone is so exhausting to me that I don’t want to go out and interact with more people. And I’ve found by expressing that to my friends, a lot of people get upset and think I just don’t want to talk to them ever. When in reality I’d much rather plan to meet up and chat about things.
I cringe every time someone makes a joke about "omg cancelling plans feels so good I didn't want to go anymore and see people." Bb thats not good to do again and again you have to make the effort.
10000% also it doesn't feel good when you're the person who is being canceled on! especially when you went all out to make a nice get together for everyone. I've been there, it doesn't feel good :(
There have been people in my life who have genuinely been like this and relieved to cancel plans. I later found out they were depressed or had a health issue (one friend had undiagnosed thyroid issues which made her tired all the time so genuinely had a tough time keeping plans).
I think so many people who are perfectly healthy see others do this and pretend to be happy to cancel because they think it gives them some sort of power in a friendship by canceling plans last minute. It hints at narcissistic and sociopathic behaviour which people seem to embrace because they mistake it for empowerment. Then they eventually wonder why they're lonely.
I wish people would understand how disrespectful and rude to consistently cancel on people who make the effort to make plans and invite you. I just dropped people who do this and only kept people who put in equal effort. People cancel and cancel, take people for granted then wonder why they don't have any friends
My friends, after 15-20 years of companionship, ditched me when i became a parent (i was the first in my "friend group" to have kid), and they ditched me for my sons babydaddy. I did not realize it until my kids were about 4/5 yrs old, when one of my childhood "friend" got married. After that, i changed my perspective on friends drastically. It's hard to find new ones. And it's been some ups and downs. Now i have one friend i keep in touch with(from 9th grade), and my family/partner is who I focus on.. Im not lonely, but I've felt alone for many years before i realized who my real people are. The ones that reach out for me and care as much as I care for them. I've given to mich in the past with nothing in return.
It feels good to finally let go of the ones that did not want me, it hurts at the beginning cause I felt alone, but after a while and focusing on the good people, it made me whole again.
Ive got a few friends over the internet who i play games with from time to time, but me and my partner rather try to meet then in person for a real connection, and not only stay online to keep in touch. ❤
@@_salemtovar_ literally me. There's a friend of mine since childhood but literally every single time we tried to make plans and do somethng in the past two years she always ended up cancelling with a different excuse each time. I've arrived at a point where I wonder if the problem was me and basically ended up ghosting her since then...
As a millennial in my early 30's, making friends is so hard. I'm in the stage of letting most of my long-term friendships from high school go due to many of them not having grown at all since our teens and being really stagnant. I'm trying to make friends with other women who are working on their goals, and it's hard. Despite a lot of ghosting, I've been going on a lot of Bumble bff friend dates and so far have met a few women I like hanging out with, but they're definitely younger than me.
Im in my mid 40s now. I think is harder to make friends the older we get, as we have more or less of a routine, and we tend to stay within the same circles. Unless you have new hobbies or join clubs (books, crafts, fitness… you name it) it gets harder and harder, Having said all of that, I also think is quite normal to be happier at home and to “slow down” (what ever that means to other people) for me is having a safe space to come back to, having peace and quiet I’ve work hard to have that so I enjoy it and Im grateful for.
I’m grateful for social media because I can stay connected with my family and friends back home (I live abroad) and also get to know people around my area I think the sense of community comes from within me and how I’m willing to help other people
@vanillabeanlady I'm also on bumble BFF! Doing like the same thing you are and in my early 30s!!! I feel bad sometimes that I've let go of old high school relationships because we've grown apart and making new friendships seems so impossible. But I'm glad to have found your comment, that you've meet some like minded women, and I hope you keep having good luck
That seems like it puts a lot of pressure on both people involved, to meet through what is ostensibly a dating app, and then to test out a one-on-one friendship connection... seems destined for lots of disappointment. Maybe try Meetup instead. I've had a lot of luck with it over the years, meeting people in different cities, based around common interests (hiking, museums, food, movies, books, karaoke, anything). These connections can definitely turn into actual friendships over time, because the initial contact is based on some activity you both enjoy. Regardless, just going into it without high expectations, seeking a fun day or night out, can be enough to lift spirits. Wishing you luck
Ugh so relate. Also in my early 30s and have always kept a small social circle. In my 20s I definitely did feel lonely at certain points due to moving across country for jobs which was so hard. However it’s been as hard if not harder to transit my 30s as my few friends that I fought for undergo their own life changes and that changes our friend dynamic (breakups, family changes, babies, etc). I feel selfish for wishing things were the same, and trying to meet them at their new normal. However this means I need more friends now to fill that void and as pointed in the video - harder than ever.
I was very lonely in my 20’s, I didn’t vibe with my classmates or people I worked with, and I lived in a small town where most people my age moved away or had families. I moved away and once I started volunteering in community theater that’s when I started to make friends. Add in that I’m also neurodivergent (that’s why it was harder). I have a small circle of close friends and I’m okay with that. Not everyone I’ve met wants to be friends with me and that sucks, but it’s their loss, not mine. They’ll never get to learn about parrots or in depth analysis of Sailor Moon lol.
One of my very best friends in the world, I met as a 25 year old on bumble bff. She was the first and only girl I met on there, I swear we both attracted the kind of girl friendship we needed in each other. BUT- it takes effort. You have to be a little vulnerable with your feelings, your time, your life. Since I met her my life has blossomed, finding love in her has strengthened my existing friendships and made me believe in myself. Get out there!!!!
“I’m not even looking for love, I’m just, I just need a friend” that hit me so hard….gosh.
Something that my closest friends and I have noticed is that usually people tend to need an activity or an event to go to to be together. The reason they have “friends” is simply an excuse to go do said activity (excuse is probably a strong word). Sports, games, drinking etc. takes priority over genuine conversation if that makes sense? We’ve noticed that it takes us longer to complete an activity because of the fact that we talk so much. Real friendship is a very beautiful thing. An “aesthetic” can never be worth more then authentic human connection.
i'm gen X and i feel this. everyone my age is married with children and i'm not, therefore i'm not included in their circles. i'm always the one texting people and inviting them out, but when i stopped, nobody texts me. i'm the one that has to "beg" for friendship. i have zero friends and bc i work from home and i'm self-employed, i literally don't have a way to meet people. (bc clients are not friends) it's killing my soul.
I’m an older millennial and your comment really resonated with me. I work from home, child free and I’m incredibly lonely. My company mandated WFH and I was literally crying my last day on site because that would be my last good chance of making any friends IRL. And I thought I had a friend in a former supervisor but she literally ghosted me once she left the company.
I had a friend in high school that I was very close with, even when he got into a relationship. Once they had kids, I was pretty much forgotten about. People that have kids don’t have friends without kids.
I do have online friends but I’ve been told they don’t count. And even then I’m always the first to message.
My only hobby is the gym and everyone keeps to themselves. I have nothing in common with any of the other women as they all have kids or are in other parts of the gym, where we’d have nothing in common anyway.
I love what I do but it’s so hard being this lonely.
42 year old, no kids, wfh. We should all go bowling. 😂
43, single, no kids, few coworkers. And same. I do make new friends from time to time but if they have kids it doesn’t work. (For obvious reasons.)
If I try to make friends with people whose lifestyle is more like mine (childless, travel, concerts, etc) they are significantly younger than me. When I was 35 the oldest people without kids I could find were 30. When I was 40 (and those 30 year olds now have kids) the oldest I could find were…30. Which bothers me less, (age is just a number to me 🤷♀️) but bothers them more (a preference to be young and stay young as long as possible in our culture so younger people don’t really want to hang out with older people).
And then once in a great while you meet someone else your age also no kids and…nothing. You can be kind and polite but you have nothing else in common and conversations are boring for both of you. Being the same age is not a friendship guarantee. 🤷♀️
It’s really tough out there. ❤️ You are not alone.
@@siobhanmairiitry a new hobby? Instead of going to the gym, can you take a fitness class or yoga or a dance class? Or join a special interest club. That’s how I meet people. And yes, it’s hard, but it’s not impossible.
Same… When i stopped texting them, they completely stop reaching out to me
The problem with one of my most recent jobs was moving to an environment where everyone already had friends and they didn't care to make more. As an adult, that's really the biggest struggle if you're "the new kid". Whereas when I went to volunteer overseas, nobody knew anyone and we were all stuck together for weeks to months, so we actually made friends with each other.
true, in the same vein.. I chose a career field with much older people, i work in an archive and everyone is 20+ years older than me and its so isolating, i love my job and its what I want to do but jesus christ i think the number 1 advice about making friends is through work and im like ,,,, im their kids age 🥲
I often hear young adults talking about how they didn’t stay in contact with anyone from high school in a way that implies that since they’ve moved on from that time in their life and have grown, so they’ve outgrown those people too. My ride-or-die, super low maintenance bestie is from high school. We’ve both grown and changed, but we spent our formative years together. We might not talk for ages, but then we’ll go to a festival or something and pick right back up where we started. I’m saddened to hear that more people don’t have that.
I wish I had that. 😢
i find it weird when i’m graduating college age and my high school peers do not hang out with ANYONE new. (from what i see on their social media anyway) My roommate would spend all her time on her high school friend groups discord when we were in the dorm together for 1.5 school years. Feels like some people operate in a “i have a friend group so i don’t need to make any new friends” way. I have high school AND new college and work friends.
@@aalmondmilk not sure if you’re implying that I’m the type of person that only hangs out with people from high school (bc I’m definitely not lol), but yeah, it’s also weird when people don’t open themselves up to make new connections.
My best friend since I was 13 is still in contact with me and I’m still in contact with her and it’s either everyday messages that take hours to respond to or 1-3 days before we respond again. We haven’t seen eachother since I was 14 and moved to Texas but she’s the only best friend I managed to keep after moving states again
This is me with 2 of my High school besties. We only meet max twice a year but it's some of the best I have. My college friends on the other hand, after the panini happened, we try to meet every holidays or when there are special occasions and I'm happy with that arrangement. And to think we are 13 in our college friend group and they still blow up our chatbox lol. I'm happy with how low maintenance my friends are and that I've found them before the panini and the big boom of social media influence happened.
I’m a millennial and I feel this way. Friends are always either busy or they don’t feel like going out, people will say “yeah we have to hang out” but do nothing about it. Don’t even get me started on trying to have a relationship nowadays.
@@Youtubbyface14 yup! It’s the “omg I miss you let’s hang out” then whenever you try to make plans there’s a million excuses as to why they’re too busy so it never actually happens
The most hurtful thing I experience lately is calling a friend about a problem and the first thing they say is “that sucks you should call a therapist” instead of actually just being a friend and listening. People are so quick to delegate things.
I remember I made a friend at work and I felt less lonely. This was during the pandemic. He was so nice and we talked a lot but then one day out of the blue, he stopped talking to me. Just casual small talk. He started to talking to other people which is fine but I was wondering what I did wrong. I remember hearing him tell another coworker about how lonely he felt and it made me feel bad bc I was right there. I didn’t do anything for this person to randomly lose interest in me as a friend. And I realized how there are people that complain about feeling lonely but still care about stupid stuff like popularity and what other people think bc he stopped talking to me to hang out with more well liked outgoing people that are “popular” and I say popular bc working with that group felt like I was back in high school with cliques and stuff.
Ugh I know this feeling
So true. They view healthy non-popular people as a lesser kind of human that is only there to fill the gap for when they don't have "popular" friends. These people are insecure af
one time, i heard someone i considered one of my best friends tell one of their family members over the phone how she had made no friends where she had moved to when i was literally sitting like 2 feet away from her. i was like k guess im not important enough to be mentioned or considered as a friend. that hurt really bad and then when i told her that it hurt my feelings, she called me too sensitive. i didn’t stay friends with her for very long after that
I love the friendships where we can just sit in silence doing our own things, but we’re in the same room. Don’t have to feel like we have to talk 24/7, we are comfortable enough with each other to sit and just chill.
Sameee
Man this is so true. I also feel like the pandemic stunted people's social skills severely. I used to have big friend groups and just hang out and chat, play video games. It was great! But now I'm struggling to make friends because I'm trying to make a genuine effort to connect to them and they are hitting me with a "k" or other super short answers. I try to ask questions, get them engaged, and show how I relate but I don't think people remember how to respond back and forth anymore :(
Very true
I’m an introvert so I genuinely love being alone. I can’t connect with people easily because I don’t enjoy shallow conversations, and most people already have established friend groups that you can’t just squeeze into. I’ve become comfortable in my solitude, and I choose to be kind when I do have to speak with someone, but I don’t go out of my way because in my solitude I only know peace. Trying to be in a crowd can make you end up around very unhealthy personalities. If you do want friends, choose wisely.
Needed this !!! I never knew why i felt so uncomfortable being in the 'self care' and how i pushed people away from me when they tried to be close to me. It makes sense now
I feel there’s a definitely a fear of being perceived that affects how we interact with others too. Especially with the amount we share online, i know I personally get really anxious trying to talk to someone in public because i worry they’re going to just be really mean or make some tiktok about me or sumn if i don’t look or act absolutely perfectly.
You read my mind. That’s the reason we are in the ‘friendless’ era or loneliness epidemic, people in their 20s and even 30s making videos about not having friends which is sad. Humans are hard wired to be in community and this Western individualistic society doesn’t help. The flip side is people oversharing and trauma dumping which can be exhausting. Everything in moderation.
Spending time with my friends is my self-care, I love being with them no matter what we do. I decided to fight my anxiety this year and I met them. I have no regrets and I have never been happier. 🦆
Same here
it’s gotten to the point where i don’t even want to try and make friends anymore, im just not willing to feel that disappointment anymore.
after the past 4 years of putting so much energy and effort into friendships and getting nothing in return, im just done.
Same here, things for me just kept ending up in disappointment It’s so hard to keep friendships these days
same. i’m very lonely, but i’m so exhausted from trying and having nothing to show for it
I was like that. But it helped me to not think about others as potential friends. But just treat them like familiar people I can spend time with. I hope you would find a way out
Your whole life people are going to make you disappointed and I know it's sucks, but don't stop having hope that it's going to be better. You need to try and try and try.
These last 2 years have been really transforming my view and acts on friendship. I ended 3 major friendship that I had for at least 10 years ago and it was really difficult. I felt really betrayed because I thought that we were still going to be friends by the time we will be 80. And it was really hard to decide to put an end to these relationship even though they made me unhappy. I didn't know what my friendship's future was going to look like. And now I make an effort to communicate clearly to my friends what I need and want from them. Because before I just expected my friends to know what I want from knowing me for so long. It is really hard to see that today so little people care to send a message to see how you are doing. It is really hard... But this video is great and I feel less alone knowing this is also a global problem...
I think something that people aren't discussing enough is how the expectations around friendship are contributing to loneliness, so I appreciated that you talked about this. Like so many people I know, myself included, I have a few deep, fulfilling friendships and then some causal friendships but still feel the need to have the iconic high-maintenance "friend group" we saw in media growing up. Low-maintenance friendships are so underrated; they are honestly the answer to balancing work and self-care/self-growth and socializing.
Plus I think people want really deep connections with a few people but at least in my experience that’s not realistic. I have a few super close friends, but most of my friends are casual friends. We go out for coffee, gossip, do random things together etc and it’s also very fulfilling! And sometimes you do get closer with these people but you need to make it through the casual friend phase too.
exactly this but with romantic relationships
A part of this is people wanting every relationship to be just like the ones they see in the movies or social media. Even though in reality, no two friendships are perfectly identical. And even if they do get that movie relationship, it doesn't truly fulfill their emotional needs
Knowing what's going on locally is the best way to make friends. Not just showing up and expecting to make a bestie, but for all those times you say "oh, we should really hang out sometime". Make plans instead of just saying you want to make plans. So many people struggle with moving from just acquaintances. But if you know there's a craft fair/board game night/karaoke night/new brunch place/new movie happening, ask if they want to meet you there. Date/time/location already figured out.
Unfortunately in my experience people will always bail or say they can’t. So I’ve stopped trying.
I sent this video to my long-distance, low-maintenance bestie. We need to prioritize our “girls trip” which will just be her chilling at my house… and I couldn’t miss that more than I do right now.
Thx for the content, Salem! 🦆 ❤
I destroyed my own social life and have rebuilt it. Had to learn it wasn’t all about me, it’s uncomfy but we need to face it 😅
I lost all of my friendships due to depression and this video made me cry…
I have a friend who struggles with depression. She was cancelling on me constantly. Finally she told me what was going on. We talked and she told me that if she tries to cancel and gives me some lame excuse that it means she’s depressed and I need to call her on it and make her follow through because she always feels better when we just hang out and talk (that’s all we do, we don’t lead exciting lives). She felt she destroyed our friendship , but it really helped our relationship grow that she trusted me enough to openly communicate and support her through in a way that worked for her. Everything else was water under the bridge.
Any friendship worth having can be repaired with honest communication. I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone.
This.. it's a struggle to even leave the house 😭😭
i think a lot of the loneliness is because of our inability to connect in a moderate way. gen z makes best friends or partners immediately, spends all their time w one person, puts all their emotional needs in the hands of that one person, then that causes problems , that friendship ends and they have nobody. i see this cycle with everyone. we dont understand that relationships are a balance, that we cant expect to be everyones #1
Yeah I definitely feel this. It’d be nice to have a reasonably close relationship where we’re not spilling our guts to each other all the time. It’s even worse when they drop all their trauma on you and immediately expect you to reciprocate.
The biggest problem is distance. American cities are so sprawled out you can’t even drop by to see your friend in less than 20 mins (which I feel is a reasonable travel time), you gotta plan those like a war offensive.
I totally agree! I used to live in the Portland area and the transit in that area was not that good at all. It would literally take me over an hour to get anywhere to hang with friends but now, I live by Seattle and the transportation is FAR better (I took the train to Capital Hill to get ramen with my roommate, bomb-ass ramen btw).
When your method of transportation doesn’t solely rely on having a car, it does make the effort to see each other worth it 😊
it really is the worst! i used to live down the block from one close friend of mine and about a mile and a half from another and that was the happiest time of my life so far
yes!!! it’s like an hour of driving just to have a quick visit with someone. plus everything is so expensive now, it’s so hard to find things to do with people that don’t cost money besides sitting around at home or going to a park
my self-care era is taking care of myself and being happy and that comes from music, food, skin care, working out and most importantly being around ppl i love especially family n friends. self isolation n loneliness is when im depressed which is the exact opposite
I love my friends. I dont have many. Its wild to me how big some peoples egos are.
“Rejection is not rejection it’s just redirection towards where you truly belong.”
This is amazing. This gave me a whole new perspective on rejection. Thank you Salem. ❤
🦆
There's such thing as rejection trauma, you know, I'm sure most people have suffered from rejection trauma, it's a real thing
Thank you so much for this video. I always joke around with my sister that I have “friend crushes” on people because I just want to be their friends so bad lol😂. I’m gonna put my self out there. Life too short ya know?
The panini destroyed mi university social life. It was never the same after that. And my childhood friends, we almost drift apart. I think people don't realize how much impact it had in our lives
Same, also imagine being in a foreign country in foreign culture additionally 😭 I pray for us that it will get somehow better🙏
@@nectarofdevotion108 pandemic lol
@@nectarofdevotion108 😂😂
Volunteering at my local food bank has allowed me to feel connected to people even when friendships feel like they are few and far in between. I don't think I would meet the other volunteers in any other circumstances, and it is nice having this consistent group who worry about me if I miss a week. We need community ❤️
You called me out so hard with this video... I'm currently 3 years into uni and I feel like I've become gradually more and more isolated overtime. Mostly in terms of my study group. I'm a quite closed off person and I can't make friends and even acquaintances easily. I certainly don't seem friendly and/or approachable... Therefore in the group I've been mostly by myself and never had a real friend there. And I guess a lot of my isolation comes from me being this way and the lack of social skills perhaps. I've never been good with people. Actually I struggle with this feeling for 3 years already and almost gave up. My current group is already third in three years and I still don't fit in. Actually there are few people who seemed to be actually intrested in me, but I guess I gave them a cold shoulder with my demeanor... This seems to be so resolvable by being more open to people but it is so hard to change myself in this way... It almost feels ingrained on me and it's so stupid... I want connection so bad but struggle with showing it and reaching out to people in fear of being seen "inferior" and being rejected. It is so much easier to be "a loner" who don't need anyone. And it sucks, a lot of this comes from our society and media promoting this take on life. Actually I do have 2 friends outside of study environment who are very close to me and I'm so thankful to have them, I certainly will hold onto them for the rest of my life, they are great and we are so lucky to have found each other❤ I don't know how I would do without them
I was watching someones "what I eat in a day video" and thought to myself "wow, self care effort must make people really lonely.." and you made this video! lol! I'm like omg how can you eat sooo healthy and consistently if you have a social life or even family get togethers?! It's like those people just don't? I think self care has been made to be too isolating. Self care is also hanging out with friends and family and indulging. We need those moments in life to keep us going.
I think a lot of people treat themselves as a project that needs to be constantly worked on when that's not the case. You may have problems you need to work on or goals to work towards to but you yourself are not the project and are allowed grace.
This year I've made the conscious decision to overcome my social anxiety and got a job as a private personal trainer. I've only just started and it has already been life-changing. People are genuinely so nice! I even already received gifts and invitations to go to concerts with clients. I realized that thinking people won't like me or that I left a bad impression on them after I leave, is actually a narcissistic trait. People don't think about you all the time. They are just as focused on themselves as you are. A client even reached out apologizing for a bit of an awkward first meeting, even though I didn't experience it that way. I deluded myself into thinking that self-isolating helped me focus on my goals. What I actually needed was to get out of my damn room and talk to people in real life! If you have dreams that involve other people, meeting strangers or making new friends, don't be afraid to lean into that anxiety and just go for it. I promise that reality is rarely as scary as your own thoughts. Have an awesome day ♡
Can you please talk about the trend of mocking children? It really scares me how they are being framed as some annoying subhuman species by many TTers!
I don't know specifically what you're referring to, but I agree that mocking children and treating them as not human is so bad. I don't understand it, because they are just us when we were younger. All adults were once children.
She's touched on this topic before in her earlier videos. I think the one about 'sephora kids' was really good !
Not really new. Watch juvenoia by Vsauce (I know it isn't exactly what you mean but when you watch it you'll notice this is a constant pattern).
wtf no
Tiktok pretty much exists to mock others. Gen Z loves to mock Millennials but really we have more in common than they think…
Thank you for making this video, I have been trying to find a way to articulate this phenomenon! People have gotten very used to being alone most of the time without realizing that being 'used' to something doesn't make it a good or healthy thing. So many people feel lonely while simultaneously neglecting friendships or never putting themselves in situations where new friendships can blossom. And this becomes a downward spiral of social anxiety, lack of effort and self-isolation as a coping mechanism. And listen, we all need to self-isolate at times, and that is ok! But self-isolation is a 'sometimes food' as Cookie Monster puts it.
Thats why I always took my friendships seriously because I know how rare you find good people nowadays. So if you do keep em and put effort a little and please communicate dont let things go bottled within that what destroys most relationships the key is communication + Part of self care is that you accept and allow others to care for you as well :) otherwise its slowly moving to narcissism, full ego self hate and the fact that you are being delulu .
it's just so sad for me because i actually WANT to have friends. like, i have friends at school and i don't feel very lonely there. but then i'll ask if anyone wants to do anything during the weekend or break, like just chill at each other's house or something. and nobody wants to do anything :(
In the past I felt like I was the only one making an effort in friendships but the past year the way I have been making friends is so much more relaxed. Instead of focusing on 1 or 2 individuals to meet all my needs and trying to make plans with them that never happen because of scheduling issues, I’ve been focusing on a community more. I found 1 friend that I talk to like every day and we started a social club to get more social interaction. Now we hold events and are excited when we get to see certain people but if 1 person doesn’t show it’s not as much of a loss. If your area has regular events go to them and you might meet people
Late to the video but this is great advice! I’m much more involved in knowing lots of people from my community and it makes me feel like I have lots of low-pressure friendships. I quite enjoy it!
All my friends were the ones who would consistently forget my birthday. Got a surgery? Would not visit me at the hospital, nor at home.
But for sure they would call me when their top tier friends or significant other were not available.
I made some friends in my 30's now. And still got scars from the shitty zero effort friends I had before. Always feel a burden. It's not easy to recover. 💔
People need to also be more self-aware in how they are in friendships. Like how can we become better people and in turn become better people in different types of relationship? I know alot of people who just don't know how to be a good friend.
17:38 the old butterfly era loona clip is crazy
Girl thank you so much because I've been feeling so fckn lonely for a while now, and I thought I was the only one. It's really comforting to know I'm not, and also that it's not my fault (I'm literally so proactive, I reach out to friends, I try making plans all the time, but still, I feel like I have like 3 friends, and everyone else is just acquaintances who would never reach out to me)
I was the only one in my class back in 2022 who picked this topic of "self care" and I remember it being SOOO hard to find sources for it. But I'm so glad that people are waking up on this !!
this is a great video and is something i constantly have to remind myself about. i have a cluster-b personality disorder, some would consider it functional sociopathy, this kind of thinking really exacerbates my maladaptive traits and keeps me from healing. isolating feels natural but i know its only going to hurt me as i get older, its a struggle to get myself to care enough about others to want to have human connection but i know its good for me. thank you for making this, i really needed to hear this.
People can surprise you! That's the best piece of advice I ever received. We can start to believe that we know how people will interact so its pointless to go through the motions but give people a chance to surprise you!
Agree, but I also just feel exhausted all the time. I know friendships need to be maintained but I can't seem to have the energy for it all. Feel overwhelmed by constantly having to be 'on' (answer texts, calls, emails) yet it all still feels lonely in the end.
14:30-16:30 you put my feelings into words PERFECTLY. i have a former friend who cut me off completely for coming forward about a mental breakdown i was having and this same "friend" later went on to break up with his partner of one year by i kid you not GHOSTING her, unblocking her just to send a list of everything she'd ever done wrong, and then instantly blocking her before she could offer any sort of rebuttal which absolutely scarred said friend (oh yeah, and they were both at the grown age of 22 when this happened so he had no excuse to be so anti-communication). the saddest part is i absoluely know he's the type of person to consider cutting people off as self care and he refuses to look deeper into himself because he blames all of his issues on his bpd, which is so unserious because his ex (fellow bpd haver) made the choice to actively better herself and fix her own problems even after he wronged her.
This is so fucked up and I’m sorry that happened to you and your friend but so glad you both have each other 🫶🏼
Loneliness is so exhausting to deal with honestly it’s just energy draining it drains the fun and life out of u it’s crazy ( from experience)
Bro at this point TikTok need to be banned it may not solve a lot of problems but it’s getting worse I’m 13 and I don’t even have social media but it’s literally so hard to get away from cause it just spreads on everything 😣
Agree, TikTok can be very toxic
Hard agree, nothing good seems to come from tiktok
@@elvalight2135if I ever go on tik tok it’s literally only for fanarts or funny tmnt videos and that’s it lol, I stayed far away from the main drama and trends on that app before I deleted it
I wish tiktok, instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and pinterest were all permanently banned
I have some relationships in my life that you described as low maintainance friendships and I only took it as no one of them wants to be my friend, I feel a BIT better now... But I still wish I had more frequent meet ups and outings with them 🥺
I've never been lucky in the friendship department. I invest more in the friendship than what I get in return. So for me I've found the concept of friendship very overrated. Luckily I've got a good relationship with my parents which makes me feel very loved and i don't really feel lonely
There's a reel in insta on low maintenance friendships and how this one person appreciates low maintenance friendships the most and lemme tell you the comments went insane. Soooo much angers, projection, and protests and miscontruing it with low effort even though ppl have elaborated what low maintenance was meant by the OP.... as a gen z, I'm so baffled with this mindset 😮💨 ppl have idealised the intense ride or die best friend concept when in reality a friendship like that takes a long time to nurture.
As someone who was homeschooled and didn't make my first friend till I was 19, it is never too late to make friends! Granted it will be very difficult for a while, I had to learn how to read a person I wasn't used to, to know how to show comfort when they were sad or when to give them space, but it's absolutely worth it. You WILL get better at it in time
I’m also neurodivergent with ADD and on the spectrum with ASD. Friendships have been my struggle bus for pretty much most of my life. However, I have definitely gained alot of self awareness over the years in regards to how I come across to people and make them feel. It’s such a cool thing to have as well as respect for boundaries. Once I started working on myself in this way, I became more low maintenance and more self confident too.
🦆🦆🦆THANK YOU for this! My daughter found you and this is so good for her. She has been struggling with this all through high school and as a parent I've been truly at a loss. So thankyou for helping understand and also for providing some sound advice!
I think it's super interesting that Gen Z is so hesitant to ask their friends to hang out or to text them first. That's so odd to me. I will literally think about a friend and text them, "I miss you, let's hang out soon" and think nothing of it. Why would I feel weird about texting a friend first or asking them to hang out? It's not like they're going to judge me for wanting to spend time with them because that would be weird. Idk. Maybe feeling that way points to a larger issue of not feeling psychologically safe in your friendship with someone.
You bring up a great perspective that's never crossed my mind. I'm usually the person that initiates a hang out via text and at some point it gets frustrating being the initiator, it makes me bitter thinking this might be a one-sided friendship, even tho my friends actually do appreciate my presence. The insight you pointed out is that ppl can feel desperate or a loser for wanting to reach out to others, and so they don't. I'm gonna bring this up the next time I see my friends to get a better understanding of where they are at and how I can help ease this possible anxiety. I appreciate your videos, you bring such nuance to subject s that make me reflect on my own thoughts, intentions, behaviors, beliefs, and actions. Once again, keep doing you girl!
The girl at 0:29..... It's a feeling many of us will have to go trhough at some point. Learning how to cope with being left out or a last resort choice: aka Lastie or Leftover Friend/Bad weather friend. Some people resent it and others learn to embrace it.
Salem…. This might be the first time I commented on a yt vid in years…. But ur makeup literally ATE today…
My algorithm is ON POINT because these were absolutely the words and ideas I needed today. Just one video helps me see the entire picture differently. Thankyou for this essay. QUALITY CONTENT!
I love how you say to “relax” before every video bc its very hard for me to relax, so it helps put me in the moment.
This is such good timing for a topic like this, I literally had a breakdown a couple weeks ago over how lonely I feel at school. I realized how surface-level the relationships I have and the friendships I do have are non-fulfilling for me (I always feel like that ant begging to go somewhere new). Idk it’s like my eyes have been opened and I’ve been wanting that best friend next to me. I don’t 100 or even 10 friends, I just need one *best* friend, yknow. Been craving that lately (wow what a rant sesh)