For anyone out there who has faith in God, I find it helpful to pray for them during no contact. It’s therapeutic somehow and helps me handle no contact better.
This is what happens you keep having hope your ex, let alone DA ex, will return. You keep watching these videos and wasting your time on someone who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship.
Letting go can be so challenging, especially when hope lingers. Redirecting that energy toward your own healing often brings the clarity and peace you're seeking.
The dismissive avoidant comes back when they want attention, validation, and distraction.😂 It's not healthy to give that as it's not helping the situation any. ❤
It’s true that giving in to unhealthy dynamics doesn’t help anyone grow. Focusing on boundaries can be so empowering for both parties. Thank you for sharing your perspective. 💜
“Heyyy…I can see that ur pulling back and shutting down a lil. I totally respect your need your space…when ur ready we can have a healthy conversation and sort w/e isn’t wrkn out bc pulling apart, avoiding and not talking doesn’t do anything for the relationship So when ur ready I’ll be ready to have a healthy conversation and I look forward to doing that…(to clear the air)”
It's like The Butterfly Effect. Anyone see that movie? You keep starting over again hoping for a better outcome because letting go seems more painful, but some love stories aren't meant to end with us together. On a different note, I'm currently playing Demon's Souls on PS5. When you die, you have to go all the way back to the beginning. Some rounds you make it far, some you barely make it from the start. Last night I actually ran straight into the fire going up in flames in one round. Lol My point is that it gets exhausting to keep trying at the same relationship with multiple rounds and unless you're up for the challenge, you're just going to beat yourself down and exhaust yourself. It's a new year. Love and respect yourself. Don't get so mad and bitter at someone who is not avoidant by choice. Just leave with grace if you feel that you're trying to win at a losing battle.
I like the regulation part - I love how you really emphasize this on this part. I took up breath work and it's been a game changer this time. this time my no contact will be real ❤and helpful for me regardless of the outcome ❤
Thais, I love you and the work you do. It is really helpful. Having said and finally giving up on my avoidant partner six months ago I am left with the following feelings and emotions. All the descriptions of their habits, fears, and visions of relationships I would see in her. Before this person entered my life eight years ago,I had never heard of such behavior nor witnessed it in any other relationship in my life. But there was one burning emotion that I couldn't deal with with with her. I never could tell if the person really loved me after two years of seeing each after several years of being casual friends. Every time I would walk away they would ask me to come back. At one time in the relationship I believed they would change because it was a great relationship. But in the end after I really got to know her was that she was incapable of loving. She didn't even love herself. All this no contact stuff does in my opinion is prolong the frustration of the fear of intimacy that they have. I will even go to the point that it makes matters worse for both individuals. I don't regret knowing her but I do regret not addressing the issues early on and just dealing with the cold truth that if all avoidants are like her you just have to remember that time waits for no one.
Not mine. Asked if I’d be willing to talk, “No pressure.” I agreed. Said they would “make it happen sometime next [this] week.” The week ends tomorrow. I think it was some kind of power play. If they do not reach out, neither will I. Ever again. I feel hated. Like I disgust them. Too fat. Too dumb. Too everything.
I think I have a disorganized attachment style and yep that sounds about right. Definitely agree don’t try to manipulate them. This will only hurt you and them more. Set out clear boundaries and if they don’t respect those leave. Be with someone who has a secure attachment style. I did no contact with my last avoidant ex. It’s been three months. Not a word from him cause I blocked him on everything including his number. I think if someone really wants you back they’ll show up at your door with flowers.
He broke up 3 month ago. After 8 weeks still in no contact. We were 12 years together, he broke up 4 years ago and came back after 3 month of no contact. He is an avoidant and has depression. I cant take it anymore and blocked his number and deleted him from social media around christmas. After this he deleted or blocked me too. We invested in a new flat to start a family this year. He started to distance himself, he was working all the time. Everyone said, that blocking him will prevent him from reaching out. But I agree with you. I cant put a red carpet infront of him to come back. If he wants to reach out he has to find a way. And for now I dont want to be with him again. But I would like to hear and understand what is going on in his mind.
I suspect my ex watches me from his brothers FB, a few weeks ago I may have tripped his defenses because I was trying to help him get a job and was connecting him with a guy I met that said he would help him. I asked him what he thought of the guy after they spoke. My ex literally declined to answer me for days. It’s like the hundredth time he has left me on read. He thinks it’s normal behavior because nobody ever calls him on it so he says. I find it so disrespectful so I text him that his way of communicating is still very triggering, suggested he contact HR about the other job to follow up and that I miss the guy that used to text me daily, if he should ever want to talk let me know. No reply, which is further insulting. I hate that I met this guy, the guy I met is NOT the guy he is now. I know he has stressors but he always said I made his day better, but he shuts me out because of his ego and pride. I’m contemplating blocking his brother’s profile. I feel like I have to post private only, and have made all of my socials private. I would like to talk to him to get an understanding of why he shuts me out like this when he is the one that wanted to be friends. It’s bizarre. Just a month ago he posted saying meeting you is the best thing to happen to me and I think about you all the time. ( I peeked anonymously 😂) it’s like he keeps me at arms distance so as to not be tempted or something.. I’ve always been good to him and super patient, no big fights..
Don’t get caught up in time limits and windows. Get to a point where the thoughts of “getting back” at them through various methods no longer is interesting to you. The brass tacks is that they rejected you, think about that every time your mind starts racing.
My ex (dismissive avoidant) broke up with me over 2 months ago ..said it's too hard and he can't be the man I need him to be ... he texted me Merry Christmas and also said he hopes all is well and pointed out a new movie that my most favorite singer is in ... I just texted back Merry Christmas... not sure what to do . I miss him but moving on ... no New Year's Message ...oh well
Yup same here, he briefly reached out at Christmas, nothing at New Years. I have determined not to reach out in the New Year. I sleep a lot, probably depressed and grieving
It sounds like you’re taking healthy steps forward while still navigating your feelings. It’s okay to miss someone and still prioritize your own growth.
I dont see myself being friends (at least not yet..i loved him) and i am also calm and feel good moving forward .. feeling healthy and knowning who i am and what i want .. i will definitely check in if he reaches out again (i am pretty certain he will for my bday) and see whats new with him @lopa-u9f
Bc it happens sooo abruptly…and you actually have strong feelings for the person…no human can just turn that on and off…u naturally want closure…or another chance…not knowing it’s a cycle of pain until it happens to you consistently. These heads up video help prepare AND/OR avoid
@@curiousscott1377 I don’t mean right at the break up. I’m talking about when you tell them “I’m going no contact.” Why should the non-avoidant who got broken up with reach out? It really makes no sense. If the avoidant hasn’t reached out then that tells you everything you need to know. Just stay in no contact and move on with your life.
As a DA I can confirm that what Thais said is so true. If I break it off, don’t expect me to return to the same dynamic. Change needs to happen during the break to justify us trying again.
Id like to ask you a question so im an FA dealing with a DA and as you know us FAs can be very avoidant as well but in extreme, so my question is what if your partner is the one who broke it off and pulled away how does that make you feel and what do you tend to do about it?
@@Twighlight333 when someone breaks off with me, I assume they had a reason and it’s for the best. I leave it up to them to try again or not. Closure isn’t something I worry about.
My DA ex left and came back two times. Both within a month or so. I’m so mad at myself for still letting him come back into my life for the third time bcuz YEP U GUESSED IT…he left again 😂 it’s sad because it’s hard not to anticipate and even hope for him to come back again? I hope to get to a place where he won’t be able come back into my life even if he tries. Its been almost 5 months no contacts It’s not fair to go through the pain of abrupt abandonment & rejection just because the avoidant feels overwhelmed one day and wants to run away from you and give up on you again. The coldness feels unbearable to recieve at times. And how they act during a breakup shows so much about how they will act if they ever come back one day. Don’t let them! Me talking to me 🙃
10 weeks nc & she isnt missing anything. Iam not reaching out, Iam moving on as much as I still love her. Too much previous Trauma & whatever else she has accumulated over the years unfortunately.😔
I’m so confused! He broke up with me and then three weeks later gave me $10K in cash and a heartfelt loving card. But the card also seems to be saying goodbye. He is on dating apps now. But I’m just confused why he would do this! And I didn’t get him a Christmas present. Should I? If so, what’s appropriate? This hurts so bad because he tells me he’s broken and I should be with someone that deserves me and that he is disappointed in himself. He loves me but is pushing me away because he says he is emotionally tapped out. What is going on?
Why do they seem so uninterested and to not give me any respect but watch every stories that I post ? Still following me on social media? ( like if they where watching me from afar) Idk if they are going to reach out, I have not contacted them since we broke up (1month and an half) , they seem really defeated when I did broke up but idk . I really have no idea what they are thinking about me because they are such a contradiction…😅 I wish I could just let go but I know I want to take my stuffs back to their place, so for now I am just in this uncertain place because I can’t totally move on! 😅
yeah, the non-closure part is super-hard, for me, I'm focused on other things and recognize closure or further contact could never come and it's a process over time to have that yearning for closure to dissipate give it 4 months ? then if the stuff is that important to you, figure it out from there prioritized desire can be hard to sort
Geez! Can't they just grow up and figure it out? It's exhausting to have a partner who acts like a child during conflict or the thought of conflict, not to mention sexually off-putting.
My ex blocked me 1 month ago then 2 weeks after unblocked me then 3 days later blocked me again and then on Christmas she unblocked me. She has been posting excessively and working long hours. She was even crying on her story and sad about something work related and posted a story post about feeling better alone. And that’s it. I feel like she wants me to reach out. We broke up around the middle of November.
So, what about a scenario where two exes have reconnected and the old problems are no longer present and the reconnection is going extremely well, but the avoidant(or FA) still pulls away? Only sporadic contact for nearly a month.
They're still triggered. When things go well and feelings are happening, they're triggered. When things are going south and it's tumultuous, they're triggered. I'm a FA and the only way I'm not triggered is with a very secure person. If there's any type of anxious or avoidant leaning, chances are something about us will trigger me.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I get that. Up until about 8 months ago, I was also FA. I am much more secure now(granted, not completely, but I'm on my way), and my old protest behaviors are either no longer present or I can channel them differently when they do come up. Edit: Am I frustrated ? Yes. Am I angry at her? No, because I do understand what it's like. Doesn't change the fact that it's still confusing as hell. I appreciate your reply😁.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidantwhy are you lying? You literally have never had it work with a secure person and only date severe avoidant. The gaslighting is effing insane.
@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g lol bulldog ❤️ Obviously it didn't work with the secure I dated. I'm with a DA. You know this. You follow my life enough you can probably write a book about it. There's no lying. I was with a secure guy for a year and he didn't trigger me. Now please excuse us. Adults are talking here. 😘
Blocking them is meant to help you move on!! It hurts and it’ll play on you for a bit.. but I’m telling you, when you can breathe knowing they can’t contact you.. it’s in that space you heal!!
Only if you are done with them for good. If not, you will eventually want to unblock them and that will make you seem emotionally unstable. So unless you’re doing it for your own mental health, I wouldn’t block them anywhere. Just don’t do anything and you’re good.
My DA bf have broken up and got back together a few times. The longest between break ups was 3 months, but now it’s been 4 months with no contact. Is it possible he will still come back?
Yes. What are you doing to heal your attachment style in the meantime? If you keep heading back in hoping for better results without shifting something within yourselves, it's going to be neverending cycles of excitement and pain.
@@SusandPhd I love PDS. ❤️ I think he'll be back because this seems to be the trend with you guys. I have a very similar situation with my DA. I'm the one who always leaves when I'm triggered and overwhelmed and we've both initiated the comeback. Our last separation was for an entire year. I left because I was super overwhelmed with life and needed to break it off and join PDS to start healing and get my nervous system under control. My only recommendation is to think long and hard if this is a good fit for you. Love is important, but sometimes even I second guess our compatibility with our growth and goals.
@ Very good points! Did you go no contact during your separations? And good for you to take the time to work on yourself & your triggers! Love is important but so is being able to acknowledge our core wounds AND work on them! I totally agree with you about if he is a good fit- the answer to that will be 1. If he comes back (because he has always initiated those) and 2. If he has done and/or is willing to do the work! Where is your relationship now?
While I agree with Thais and the premise behind her scripts, I don't think they're going to work for everyone. I think if we show up like this to a new relationship with this type of communication it's one thing, but if we usually communicate one way and then show up with this entirely different way of speaking and a new demeanor, it might look inauthentic. This would be a good time to reevaluate your relationship. I understand why avoidants feel like others are trying to control them and get defensive, but if that's how they respond and aren't willing to have a conversation about it to resolve the issue, that's going to leave you feeling depleted. They still have a lot of healing to do..
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I ended the relationship, he doesn’t take any accountability. He literally told me that he hasn’t done anything wrong in the relationship and all the problems is my fault and he keeps telling me that I disrespect him while he is very disrespectful to me and my family. Whenever I say that I feel disrespected he says he doesn’t disrespect me and whatever he says is facts
Hey Ms. Gibson... I took your test, I purchased your book...but I realised... you have met thousands of people over your decade of work in this field. I have news for you. This woman is probably thesis worthy.
What if the FA since the break up, she’s been watching all my story’s and still has me on her close friends it was a sisuationship she also liked my photo on my birthday :/
@ yeah I have been it’s been 4 months no contact pushing 5 and I just also got off social media felt like I was doing what you said looking for something
Yeah my FA asked for space, I said of course and I’m not going to chase you or go where I’m not wanted. Cue 5 weeks of intermittent story stalking. I sent him a happy birthday message and he responded quite warmly with an I hope you are well and a smiley face. I just liked the message and let it be. But then he started intensely watching all my stories sometimes twice in a day. For someone with 3000+ followers that cannot be an accident. I was getting so activated by it I finally deactivated my instagram just to remove the possibility of seeing his attention. it’s weird because he doesn’t ever like anything, just watches. Like he thinks I don’t know? I’ll probably lose him because he’ll think I’ve blocked him in deactivating but I’m honestly so fried from the push pull I need him to do the work to figure out what he wants (he won’t so this is probably over.) but yeah trying to figure out SM behaviour is not productive. He kept all his exes on socials and I just don’t think this is a good idea because it is like being able to keep people close and distant at the same time and enables the discard so you don’t ever have to commit. I’m hoping that him losing access to me will be a wake up call for him.
Trying to figure out what social media stuff is is a nightmare. Story viewing in particular is so frustrating. My FA asked for space to sort himself out two months ago. I said of course, I’m not going to chase you or go where I’m not wanted and to take care. Cue six weeks of intermittent story stalking. It was so frustrating. Finally his birthday rolled around and I sent him a happy birthday message. He replied with a thank you and “I hope you are well too! :)”. I left the message alone and eventually just liked it. AND THEN he story stalked me for an intense five days, sometimes twice a day. For someone with over 3000k followers that cannot be an accident. It was so frustrating that I ended up deactivating my instagram because I didn’t want to be activated by his bullshit anymore. I may lose him for this, but hopefully the fact that he has lost access to me entirely will mean he finally does some work. Unlikely, but I’m done being an option. I want him to feel safe and loved, but it is so frustrating for him to have one standard for me and another for himself. he’s kept all his exes on socials and I’m realizing this is how he keeps them close and yet distant so he doesn’t have to do the work.
Maybe some people aren't capable of self reflection or self inquiry. Its just not activated within them it appears Hopefully, they pick it up along the human journey once more of us call it out. Everyone is responsible for their healing no matter the trauna they grew up with. No excuses.
Avoidants are not going to suddenly change because you "call them out". They do a lot of self-reflecting. They aren't screaming their pain from the rooftop like Anxious Preoccupied's do. They will heal from their trauma on their own time, not yours.
generalizations are bad, people are still individuals and behaviors and motivations can vary a whoooole bunch some people lack awareness and need 'called out' in varying ways, it's not an easy thing to do to someone you care about, but sometimes it's the only way for 1.) you to also heal and 2.) them to start to get a clue that they aren't self-aware it's called penetrating numness or planting a seed (breaking through stubborn hardened soil)
When you use the link to the 7 day free trial for all courses below, you'll automatically keep the Relationship Needs Course for Life!
For anyone out there who has faith in God, I find it helpful to pray for them during no contact. It’s therapeutic somehow and helps me handle no contact better.
This is what happens you keep having hope your ex, let alone DA ex, will return. You keep watching these videos and wasting your time on someone who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship.
hope is bad energy, have desire based in real potential and be open to truth/reality
the expectation assumption hope is imaginary energy space
Letting go can be so challenging, especially when hope lingers. Redirecting that energy toward your own healing often brings the clarity and peace you're seeking.
The dismissive avoidant comes back when they want attention, validation, and distraction.😂 It's not healthy to give that as it's not helping the situation any. ❤
Accurate. Almost every DA has tried to come back. No thanks 😆
It’s true that giving in to unhealthy dynamics doesn’t help anyone grow. Focusing on boundaries can be so empowering for both parties. Thank you for sharing your perspective. 💜
“Heyyy…I can see that ur pulling back and shutting down a lil. I totally respect your need your space…when ur ready we can have a healthy conversation and sort w/e isn’t wrkn out bc pulling apart, avoiding and not talking doesn’t do anything for the relationship So when ur ready I’ll be ready to have a healthy conversation and I look forward to doing that…(to clear the air)”
This approach is kind and understanding. Sometimes expressing openness while respecting their space can foster healthier communication.
I went 7 weeks of no contact before the da reached out to me, Like nothing ever happened. Definitely not worth my time
Seven weeks of no contact is a long time. It’s frustrating when someone acts as if nothing happened, but recognizing your worth is so powerful.
It's like The Butterfly Effect. Anyone see that movie? You keep starting over again hoping for a better outcome because letting go seems more painful, but some love stories aren't meant to end with us together.
On a different note, I'm currently playing Demon's Souls on PS5. When you die, you have to go all the way back to the beginning. Some rounds you make it far, some you barely make it from the start. Last night I actually ran straight into the fire going up in flames in one round. Lol My point is that it gets exhausting to keep trying at the same relationship with multiple rounds and unless you're up for the challenge, you're just going to beat yourself down and exhaust yourself. It's a new year. Love and respect yourself. Don't get so mad and bitter at someone who is not avoidant by choice. Just leave with grace if you feel that you're trying to win at a losing battle.
Thank you! Great insight for me!
@@fonz112goss4 I'm glad because I wasn't sure if this made sense to anyone else but me. 😂❤
Honestly…well said!!!
EXCELLENT analogy! Happy New Year!
I like the regulation part - I love how you really emphasize this on this part. I took up breath work and it's been a game changer this time. this time my no contact will be real ❤and helpful for me regardless of the outcome ❤
Thais, I love you and the work you do. It is really helpful. Having said and finally giving up on my avoidant partner six months ago I am left with the following feelings and emotions. All the descriptions of their habits, fears, and visions of relationships I would see in her. Before this person entered my life eight years ago,I had never heard of such behavior nor witnessed it in any other relationship in my life. But there was one burning emotion that I couldn't deal with with with her. I never could tell if the person really loved me after two years of seeing each after several years of being casual friends. Every time I would walk away they would ask me to come back. At one time in the relationship I believed they would change because it was a great relationship. But in the end after I really got to know her was that she was incapable of loving. She didn't even love herself. All this no contact stuff does in my opinion is prolong the frustration of the fear of intimacy that they have. I will even go to the point that it makes matters worse for both individuals. I don't regret knowing her but I do regret not addressing the issues early on and just dealing with the cold truth that if all avoidants are like her you just have to remember that time waits for no one.
I broke the no contact rule several times. He came back after i cut him off completely. I couldn't believe it
Not mine. Asked if I’d be willing to talk, “No pressure.” I agreed. Said they would “make it happen sometime next [this] week.” The week ends tomorrow. I think it was some kind of power play. If they do not reach out, neither will I. Ever again. I feel hated. Like I disgust them. Too fat. Too dumb. Too everything.
I think I have a disorganized attachment style and yep that sounds about right. Definitely agree don’t try to manipulate them. This will only hurt you and them more. Set out clear boundaries and if they don’t respect those leave. Be with someone who has a secure attachment style. I did no contact with my last avoidant ex. It’s been three months. Not a word from him cause I blocked him on everything including his number. I think if someone really wants you back they’ll show up at your door with flowers.
He broke up 3 month ago. After 8 weeks still in no contact. We were 12 years together, he broke up 4 years ago and came back after 3 month of no contact. He is an avoidant and has depression. I cant take it anymore and blocked his number and deleted him from social media around christmas. After this he deleted or blocked me too. We invested in a new flat to start a family this year. He started to distance himself, he was working all the time. Everyone said, that blocking him will prevent him from reaching out. But I agree with you. I cant put a red carpet infront of him to come back. If he wants to reach out he has to find a way. And for now I dont want to be with him again. But I would like to hear and understand what is going on in his mind.
I suspect my ex watches me from his brothers FB, a few weeks ago I may have tripped his defenses because I was trying to help him get a job and was connecting him with a guy I met that said he would help him. I asked him what he thought of the guy after they spoke. My ex literally declined to answer me for days. It’s like the hundredth time he has left me on read. He thinks it’s normal behavior because nobody ever calls him on it so he says. I find it so disrespectful so I text him that his way of communicating is still very triggering, suggested he contact HR about the other job to follow up and that I miss the guy that used to text me daily, if he should ever want to talk let me know. No reply, which is further insulting. I hate that I met this guy, the guy I met is NOT the guy he is now. I know he has stressors but he always said I made his day better, but he shuts me out because of his ego and pride. I’m contemplating blocking his brother’s profile. I feel like I have to post private only, and have made all of my socials private. I would like to talk to him to get an understanding of why he shuts me out like this when he is the one that wanted to be friends. It’s bizarre. Just a month ago he posted saying meeting you is the best thing to happen to me and I think about you all the time. ( I peeked anonymously 😂) it’s like he keeps me at arms distance so as to not be tempted or something.. I’ve always been good to him and super patient, no big fights..
yes!!!! loving the accountability piece great work thais🎉
Don’t get caught up in time limits and windows. Get to a point where the thoughts of “getting back” at them through various methods no longer is interesting to you. The brass tacks is that they rejected you, think about that every time your mind starts racing.
My ex (dismissive avoidant) broke up with me over 2 months ago ..said it's too hard and he can't be the man I need him to be ... he texted me Merry Christmas and also said he hopes all is well and pointed out a new movie that my most favorite singer is in ... I just texted back Merry Christmas... not sure what to do . I miss him but moving on ... no New Year's Message ...oh well
friendship can be a good thing to cultivate, but, give it time and wait again for him to reach out and then broach the subject
Yup same here, he briefly reached out at Christmas, nothing at New Years. I have determined not to reach out in the New Year. I sleep a lot, probably depressed and grieving
It sounds like you’re taking healthy steps forward while still navigating your feelings. It’s okay to miss someone and still prioritize your own growth.
I dont see myself being friends (at least not yet..i loved him) and i am also calm and feel good moving forward .. feeling healthy and knowning who i am and what i want .. i will definitely check in if he reaches out again (i am pretty certain he will for my bday) and see whats new with him @lopa-u9f
@@socol76sleeping and grieving is such a good thing.. healthy ❤
Thanks. Im in so much pain and he just gets on with his life as if nothing happened.
Unfortunately.. nothing did happen for them.. they’re actors.. and do & say to get validation from YOU!!
@@erichminkle1167 you're talking about a narcissist, not a dismissive avoidant.
Avoidants are great at covering up their pain, but we feel it deeply.
They're just pretending. In the long run they feel nothing but pain.
@hg3895 wrong. We feel intense feelings of love. We associate that love with pain if we're unhealed, but believe me, we feel love.
Why would you reach out to an avoidant who broke up with you?
Bc it happens sooo abruptly…and you actually have strong feelings for the person…no human can just turn that on and off…u naturally want closure…or another chance…not knowing it’s a cycle of pain until it happens to you consistently. These heads up video help prepare AND/OR avoid
@@curiousscott1377 I don’t mean right at the break up. I’m talking about when you tell them “I’m going no contact.” Why should the non-avoidant who got broken up with reach out? It really makes no sense. If the avoidant hasn’t reached out then that tells you everything you need to know. Just stay in no contact and move on with your life.
As a DA I can confirm that what Thais said is so true. If I break it off, don’t expect me to return to the same dynamic. Change needs to happen during the break to justify us trying again.
Id like to ask you a question so im an FA dealing with a DA and as you know us FAs can be very avoidant as well but in extreme, so my question is what if your partner is the one who broke it off and pulled away how does that make you feel and what do you tend to do about it?
"change needs to happen" with EVERYONE but yourself. You're the problem.
@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7gya, the comment sounds dismissive at its core
Look in the mirror. You'll see the problem.
@@Twighlight333 when someone breaks off with me, I assume they had a reason and it’s for the best. I leave it up to them to try again or not. Closure isn’t something I worry about.
All egos have at least some avoidence mechanism. It is the nature of separation.
My DA ex left and came back two times. Both within a month or so. I’m so mad at myself for still letting him come back into my life for the third time
bcuz YEP U GUESSED IT…he left again 😂 it’s sad because it’s hard not to anticipate and even hope for him to come back again? I hope to get to a place where he won’t be able come back into my life even if he tries. Its been almost 5 months no contacts It’s not fair to go through the pain of abrupt abandonment & rejection just because the avoidant feels overwhelmed one day and wants to run away from you and give up on you again. The coldness feels unbearable to recieve at times. And how they act during a breakup shows so much about how they will act if they ever come back one day. Don’t let them! Me talking to me 🙃
Your self-awareness here is inspiring. It’s tough to break the cycle, but acknowledging your worth and setting boundaries is a powerful step.
10 weeks nc & she isnt missing anything. Iam not reaching out, Iam moving on as much as I still love her. Too much previous Trauma & whatever else she has accumulated over the years unfortunately.😔
Love yourself more...
I’m so confused! He broke up with me and then three weeks later gave me $10K in cash and a heartfelt loving card. But the card also seems to be saying goodbye. He is on dating apps now. But I’m just confused why he would do this! And I didn’t get him a Christmas present. Should I? If so, what’s appropriate? This hurts so bad because he tells me he’s broken and I should be with someone that deserves me and that he is disappointed in himself. He loves me but is pushing me away because he says he is emotionally tapped out. What is going on?
What about for the fearful avoident ?
I think they’re more likely to come back because they have an anxious side
Why do they seem so uninterested and to not give me any respect but watch every stories that I post ? Still following me on social media? ( like if they where watching me from afar)
Idk if they are going to reach out, I have not contacted them since we broke up (1month and an half) , they seem really defeated when I did broke up but idk . I really have no idea what they are thinking about me because they are such a contradiction…😅
I wish I could just let go but I know I want to take my stuffs back to their place, so for now I am just in this uncertain place because I can’t totally move on! 😅
yeah, the non-closure part is super-hard, for me, I'm focused on other things and recognize closure or further contact could never come and it's a process over time to have that yearning for closure to dissipate
give it 4 months ? then if the stuff is that important to you, figure it out from there
prioritized desire can be hard to sort
1,8 years of nc. A few weird pings, but no real reach out…
Geez! Can't they just grow up and figure it out? It's exhausting to have a partner who acts like a child during conflict or the thought of conflict, not to mention sexually off-putting.
This is a very hurtful comment.
@WrittenMysteries HURTFUL?! Hurt is the state of being in which the partner of a DA remains.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Now that I know they exist, don't worry. They're out as soon as their toxicity rears its ugly head. HEAL YOURSELVES!
You're not responsible for what happens to you in childhood, but you are responsible for yourself and how you treat others as an adult, i.e. grownup.
@@JETTSTACHI and yet the flippancy of your comment remains unhelpful.
The only reason why you are not hearing from them is because they are trying to replace you.
My ex blocked me 1 month ago then 2 weeks after unblocked me then 3 days later blocked me again and then on Christmas she unblocked me. She has been posting excessively and working long hours. She was even crying on her story and sad about something work related and posted a story post about feeling better alone. And that’s it. I feel like she wants me to reach out. We broke up around the middle of November.
So, what about a scenario where two exes have reconnected and the old problems are no longer present and the reconnection is going extremely well, but the avoidant(or FA) still pulls away? Only sporadic contact for nearly a month.
They're still triggered. When things go well and feelings are happening, they're triggered. When things are going south and it's tumultuous, they're triggered. I'm a FA and the only way I'm not triggered is with a very secure person. If there's any type of anxious or avoidant leaning, chances are something about us will trigger me.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I get that. Up until about 8 months ago, I was also FA. I am much more secure now(granted, not completely, but I'm on my way), and my old protest behaviors are either no longer present or I can channel them differently when they do come up.
Edit: Am I frustrated ? Yes. Am I angry at her? No, because I do understand what it's like. Doesn't change the fact that it's still confusing as hell.
I appreciate your reply😁.
Exes for a reason...digest that. Takes 2 clap, tango, and everything in between.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidantwhy are you lying? You literally have never had it work with a secure person and only date severe avoidant. The gaslighting is effing insane.
@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g lol bulldog ❤️ Obviously it didn't work with the secure I dated. I'm with a DA. You know this. You follow my life enough you can probably write a book about it. There's no lying. I was with a secure guy for a year and he didn't trigger me. Now please excuse us. Adults are talking here. 😘
I’m trying to get the needs course and I keep getting the screen to sign my name and it doesn’t go further than that. Not sure what I’m doing wrong.
Hey Thais, I don't see the link to the courses you mentioned. Any help?
Do we state this? Like sit down and agree to the 6-12 week?
I’m a little confused about the nervous system core wounds aspect. What other of things can aim to calm down the reactions to freight and fears?
Should you block them everywhere?
Blocking them is meant to help you move on!! It hurts and it’ll play on you for a bit.. but I’m telling you, when you can breathe knowing they can’t contact you.. it’s in that space you heal!!
Only if you are done with them for good. If not, you will eventually want to unblock them and that will make you seem emotionally unstable. So unless you’re doing it for your own mental health, I wouldn’t block them anywhere. Just don’t do anything and you’re good.
I have financial ties to my DA and can't go completely no contact. What do I do about the timeline?
My DA bf have broken up and got back together a few times. The longest between break ups was 3 months, but now it’s been 4 months with no contact. Is it possible he will still come back?
Yes. What are you doing to heal your attachment style in the meantime? If you keep heading back in hoping for better results without shifting something within yourselves, it's going to be neverending cycles of excitement and pain.
@ yes!! I have been working with PDS on my FA!
@ what makes you so sure he’ll come back?
@@SusandPhd I love PDS. ❤️ I think he'll be back because this seems to be the trend with you guys. I have a very similar situation with my DA. I'm the one who always leaves when I'm triggered and overwhelmed and we've both initiated the comeback. Our last separation was for an entire year. I left because I was super overwhelmed with life and needed to break it off and join PDS to start healing and get my nervous system under control. My only recommendation is to think long and hard if this is a good fit for you. Love is important, but sometimes even I second guess our compatibility with our growth and goals.
@ Very good points! Did you go no contact during your separations? And good for you to take the time to work on yourself & your triggers! Love is important but so is being able to acknowledge our core wounds AND work on them! I totally agree with you about if he is a good fit- the answer to that will be 1. If he comes back (because he has always initiated those) and 2. If he has done and/or is willing to do the work! Where is your relationship now?
I tried to use this script but he told me you’re not allowed to tell me what to do and what not to do.😅
So he doesn't give a f about your feelings?
@ He says he cares but he acts otherwise. He is blind to his actions, he exactly does the opposite of who he think he is
While I agree with Thais and the premise behind her scripts, I don't think they're going to work for everyone. I think if we show up like this to a new relationship with this type of communication it's one thing, but if we usually communicate one way and then show up with this entirely different way of speaking and a new demeanor, it might look inauthentic. This would be a good time to reevaluate your relationship. I understand why avoidants feel like others are trying to control them and get defensive, but if that's how they respond and aren't willing to have a conversation about it to resolve the issue, that's going to leave you feeling depleted. They still have a lot of healing to do..
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I ended the relationship, he doesn’t take any accountability. He literally told me that he hasn’t done anything wrong in the relationship and all the problems is my fault and he keeps telling me that I disrespect him while he is very disrespectful to me and my family. Whenever I say that I feel disrespected he says he doesn’t disrespect me and whatever he says is facts
@@Myrakian I just read one of your past comments. He sounds awful. Do you think he's a narcissist? I'm definitely getting those vibes. Glad you left.
Hey Ms. Gibson...
I took your test, I purchased your book...but I realised... you have met thousands of people over your decade of work in this field.
I have news for you.
This woman is probably thesis worthy.
What if the FA since the break up, she’s been watching all my story’s and still has me on her close friends it was a sisuationship she also liked my photo on my birthday :/
I'm a FA. Ignore any hints until something real comes from her. Social media is nonsense.
@ yeah I have been it’s been 4 months no contact pushing 5 and I just also got off social media felt like I was doing what you said looking for something
Yeah my FA asked for space, I said of course and I’m not going to chase you or go where I’m not wanted. Cue 5 weeks of intermittent story stalking. I sent him a happy birthday message and he responded quite warmly with an I hope you are well and a smiley face. I just liked the message and let it be. But then he started intensely watching all my stories sometimes twice in a day. For someone with 3000+ followers that cannot be an accident. I was getting so activated by it I finally deactivated my instagram just to remove the possibility of seeing his attention. it’s weird because he doesn’t ever like anything, just watches. Like he thinks I don’t know? I’ll probably lose him because he’ll think I’ve blocked him in deactivating but I’m honestly so fried from the push pull I need him to do the work to figure out what he wants (he won’t so this is probably over.) but yeah trying to figure out SM behaviour is not productive. He kept all his exes on socials and I just don’t think this is a good idea because it is like being able to keep people close and distant at the same time and enables the discard so you don’t ever have to commit. I’m hoping that him losing access to me will be a wake up call for him.
Trying to figure out what social media stuff is is a nightmare. Story viewing in particular is so frustrating. My FA asked for space to sort himself out two months ago. I said of course, I’m not going to chase you or go where I’m not wanted and to take care. Cue six weeks of intermittent story stalking. It was so frustrating. Finally his birthday rolled around and I sent him a happy birthday message. He replied with a thank you and “I hope you are well too! :)”. I left the message alone and eventually just liked it. AND THEN he story stalked me for an intense five days, sometimes twice a day. For someone with over 3000k followers that cannot be an accident. It was so frustrating that I ended up deactivating my instagram because I didn’t want to be activated by his bullshit anymore. I may lose him for this, but hopefully the fact that he has lost access to me entirely will mean he finally does some work. Unlikely, but I’m done being an option. I want him to feel safe and loved, but it is so frustrating for him to have one standard for me and another for himself. he’s kept all his exes on socials and I’m realizing this is how he keeps them close and yet distant so he doesn’t have to do the work.
I think an avoider can't listen to the truth of his heart ruclips.net/user/shortsKtUzXEDQlQY
Maybe some people aren't capable of self reflection or self inquiry. Its just not activated within them it appears
Hopefully, they pick it up along the human journey once more of us call it out. Everyone is responsible for their healing no matter the trauna they grew up with. No excuses.
Avoidants are not going to suddenly change because you "call them out". They do a lot of self-reflecting. They aren't screaming their pain from the rooftop like Anxious Preoccupied's do. They will heal from their trauma on their own time, not yours.
They can heal on their own terms absolutely. I'm not partaking in enabling them though
generalizations are bad, people are still individuals and behaviors and motivations can vary a whoooole bunch
some people lack awareness and need 'called out' in varying ways, it's not an easy thing to do to someone you care about, but sometimes it's the only way for 1.) you to also heal and 2.) them to start to get a clue that they aren't self-aware
it's called penetrating numness or planting a seed (breaking through stubborn hardened soil)
@lopa-u9f yes, planting seeds. They can bear self awareness when the time is right. In the meantime, we keep doing our own inner work.
But i love manipulation.
I ❤ U, Marry me
⚪🧠🤍
What if he calls before 6 wks?