The way you phrased it was so perfect. “I don’t want to risk doing a thing she doesn’t prioritize” perfectly stated. Personally I just talked with my girlfriend and we have a list much like you but for some time that was an issue.
Had a convo with my partner about this recently! I told him that once I’d already identified what needed to be done and started doing it, most of the “mental load” of taking on that task had already been done, so jumping in at the last minute to help didn’t actually feel helpful to me even though I know he meant well. We agreed on basically looking around and identifying things that need to be done then doing them, and the more we do it the more we also learn how each others list of cleaning priorities work
This is why i teach my kids to look around and tell me whats out of place or needs attention. So they can have a trained eye for this. I ask them questions like, do you see any garbage? Toss it. Do You see cloths? Etc
The most important thing is that you’re learning and trying to improve. My ex didn’t. I offered every opportunity for him to learn and grow as a person and in the relationship and he refused.
Yoooo i hate this so much but i never knew why. It always bugged me that he would just offer to do what im doing. Like obviously im doing this, you're then going to ask me what ive already vacuumed and what needs to be vacuumed next. 🥴
Thanks for explaining. This makes sense. Will talk with my husband. He wants to do the dishes when he sees me doing them. 😂 Dishes are the bane of our existence...
So this isn't for everybody and I hate to speak on anyone's behalf because everyone has different reasons, but with adhd and autism, it can be struggle to make myself do things i know need to be done, (even eating, or going to the bathroom, or grabbing a blanket when I'm cold instead of sitting cold for hours within arm's reach of a blanket, unable to task switch). But when someone else starts doing something, it's a trigger for me to be able to do something too. It's called body-doubling, if you do it on purpose. Someone else starts cleaning, i get triggered to clean too. Someone is fixing something, I immediately need to help in some way. Just having a person be in the room when I know I need to do a thing can sometimes be enough to keep me on track (although sometimes the stress of being watched actually makes it worse). This isn't to say that guys should all be excused for acting like kids (lot's of guys are seeing their peers struggle to thrive and use their disabilities as a cover for their own selfishness and laziness), but there are a lot of undiagnosed people out there who also don't know why they're like this and therefore aren't trying to get better or work around their needs in a way that will actually work for them. With adhd, willpower will not get you through it. I burnt myself out trying to just **be** normal until I accepted that I just have certain needs and can only thrive if I respect them. Sometimes diagnosis is just the first step to understanding and being able to actually effect a change instead of constantly promising to do better and constantly failing yourself and everyone around you. If someone really, truly, cannot figure out **how** to change, no matter how much they want to be the person they imagine themselves capable of, they can't ever get there. Conversations and promises can't help when you physically cannot follow them through. It's not just medication or therapy, it's recognizing the different ways you need to interact with yourself and the world to live well. Some guys are just being lazy and selfish but there's a lot of people, of any gender, struggling with this same thing who can't figure out why they can't do better even just for their own selves. It's no one else responsibility to hold our hands and walk us through being functional adults, or to take over being the adults for us. It's our responsibility to get a professional or self-diagnosis and start learning about how our own brains work, why they work that way, and how to use them to their best potential. That way we can take care of our own selves and be better partners and parents as well.
When we expect guests, it’s usually his friends and family, so he doesn’t deem it necessary to tidy up and clean the house because “they don’t mind”. So when I naturally want to have a clean and tidy house for the guests, he legit gets angry with me and I have to reassure him that I will do all the cleaning and he won’t have to do absolutely nothing… Unfortunately, me begging him to let me clean completely by myself is the only way I can have a decent home when there are guests…
I have pulmonary issues and can no longer tolerate mowing the back yard (push mower) during hot days, yet every single week I have to ask him to do it instead of him just doing it…AND he gets offended no matter how carefully I bring it up to ask him to. It’s as though he won’t do a task unless I have performed perfectly and made the house just right and cooked suppers all that week prior, so why should he do something for me or something I want done? Nevermind the tall grass.
Imo, if you’ve already talked about it so frequently and he still doesn’t care, then it’s time to let the grass get tall til he decides to notice it himself. Try not to let it bother you. If he never does it, oh well, it’s his own fault. Show him what it would be like if you never reminded him, and what his negligence causes. Let his discomfort with the uncut grass build to the same level as yours. It will be freeing once you can care as little as he does because, until then, he’s relying on the fact that your care means he doesn’t have to care. I’m sorry about your health issues, it’s not fair.
When I have someone less experienced/in the know at work I Like when they do this. Yes, take over the thing I am doing, which I by that show is a priority, if I say we need to get stuff done before the the weekend/end of day. Otherwise I'd say another specific thing. Great not to assume your partner knows what you mean and see, and what you feel is obvious. To communicate clearly and talk over before, outside of when it is a Now situation so they can be on board with your vision, or share a new one with input from both of you. Otherwise you might get those "The guests are comin in 15 and he's in the attic scrubbing the walls." situations where he wants to help but don't know what you are too angry to specify. "He should understand and see!" is usually something that goes for all of us, and all of us have things we don't automatically get that is obvious for the other one; you too. We're all morons in our own way. ❤
@@FMJIRISHdepends on the job but as a janitor I can agree to an extent. Especially when going above and beyond raises expectations that we simply aren’t contracted for. We’re paid to be their for X long to do A B and C. You can do D occasionally to fill time but we simply aren’t contracted or paid to do so. Spending 15 minutes over each place doing extra becomes a problem. But the key word is extra.
Idk man i feel like it's even worse when they just sit there and can't even be bothered to lift their feet when you vaccuum. I'm a lesbian, thank god, but I live with my dad and my brother and neither of them seem to ever be inspired to clean, it all ends up being me, and the worst is that when people do come over I get comments about dirt, because even to them it's my responsability to keep my dads house clean...
I think you missed the point. I don’t want my husband barging in while I’m in the middle of cleaning something that he should’ve already done. I’m not asking him to do anything. He just should’ve already done it. I shouldn’t be thinking about all the things that need to happen around the house.
Lack of Communication... and then you wonder why shit doesn't get done. Every person has a different Idea of what clean is, every person has a different Idea on how things are done... You, on the other hand, clearly want things to be done YOUR way without realizing that YOUR way is just YOUR way and clearly not his... So, let me put it clearly down for you... GET THAT FUCKING STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS AND USE THE MOUTH FOR MORE THAN JUST FUCKING COMPLAINING.
He didn't miss the point, he was explaining the reasoning behind it just before going into **solutions** at which point he got cut off and probably continues in the next video. So he was getting there.
It's also called " common sense" in some places. Some things genuinely should never have to be explained. House messy= clean up before guests. Idc what kind of upbringing you've had, If you need this explained or need to be told how to prioritize as an adult you're failing. Again, common sense. Glad this dude came around but it's embarrassing people actually think like this.
I'll keep saying it, if men had the experience to live alone and not helped by mommy, not with roommates, they could have a better sense of house chores and what needs to be done for upkeep.
@@oOLareOo *facepalm* Most of us know how to do chores. It's a question of what particular chores your partner wants done at that particular moment. As I've said elsewhere, considering the person who will lose their shit if something isn't done right is the person who ought to be giving out the tasks, the person who isn't invested on that level really shouldn't have to guess and risk the wrath that will come with guessing incorrectly.
@@FMJIRISH The issue pointed out in the video is the fact that in this example, the partner is too lazy/straight up incompetent/does not want to bother to figure out on their own if something else very basic needs to get done and want to take the one already in action from the partner. Thus, he starts on a task that was already half done, while he could have started a new one, shortening the time that it takes for the whole place to get done all together. If you really know what it means to upkeep a house/an apartment, you know you can help with, straight up. See your spouse vacuuming? Cool, let me check if the toilet, kitchen or general trash (or anything else you may have) needs attention. You don't go to the spouse "lemme vacuum, cuz I dunno what else needs to be done." When it comes to the fear that you are not doing something right, don't just do the task half-assed. That's what majority have a problem with. If the task is done fine and spouse still has a problem with it, then it can be discussed and figure out what is acceptable to both parties to compromise on.
Or, controversial I know, be a grown a$$ adult who knows how to live in a home without being a disgusting slob. Wild, I know. But if you also have eyes and a working brain, you can try using it for yourself to figure things out. It's actually your job, as an adult, to take on the duty of keeping your own environment clean and healthy. Even a child should learn that. Once you leave your childhood, it's no one else's responsibility to clean up after you, wipe your butt, change your diapers, or teach you how to be a grown up.
@pvp6077 when the house is completely clean and no issues and they are still freaking out expecting you to read their minds. As to why I say after I work 12 hours, let me know what it is to be done so I can complete it the way you want it done so I can help.
@@nathansmith7645If she's also working 12 hours and it's also your house and your friends, maybe get an agreement on a "standard" for company coming over (not when you're already expecting them) and then work off the list? Usually it's the rooms they will be in plus the guest bathroom. Also, it's not "helping" when it's also your house.
@@pvp6077 What a ridiculous response. Just because someone doesn't do something when YOU want it done and in the way YOU want it to be done, that doesn't make them a slob.
The way you phrased it was so perfect. “I don’t want to risk doing a thing she doesn’t prioritize” perfectly stated. Personally I just talked with my girlfriend and we have a list much like you but for some time that was an issue.
Had a convo with my partner about this recently! I told him that once I’d already identified what needed to be done and started doing it, most of the “mental load” of taking on that task had already been done, so jumping in at the last minute to help didn’t actually feel helpful to me even though I know he meant well. We agreed on basically looking around and identifying things that need to be done then doing them, and the more we do it the more we also learn how each others list of cleaning priorities work
This is why i teach my kids to look around and tell me whats out of place or needs attention. So they can have a trained eye for this. I ask them questions like, do you see any garbage? Toss it. Do You see cloths? Etc
Wow! Teaching them this wisdom at an early age 🙏🥰
The most important thing is that you’re learning and trying to improve. My ex didn’t. I offered every opportunity for him to learn and grow as a person and in the relationship and he refused.
Yoooo i hate this so much but i never knew why. It always bugged me that he would just offer to do what im doing. Like obviously im doing this, you're then going to ask me what ive already vacuumed and what needs to be vacuumed next. 🥴
Thanks for explaining. This makes sense. Will talk with my husband. He wants to do the dishes when he sees me doing them. 😂 Dishes are the bane of our existence...
So this isn't for everybody and I hate to speak on anyone's behalf because everyone has different reasons, but with adhd and autism, it can be struggle to make myself do things i know need to be done, (even eating, or going to the bathroom, or grabbing a blanket when I'm cold instead of sitting cold for hours within arm's reach of a blanket, unable to task switch).
But when someone else starts doing something, it's a trigger for me to be able to do something too. It's called body-doubling, if you do it on purpose.
Someone else starts cleaning, i get triggered to clean too. Someone is fixing something, I immediately need to help in some way. Just having a person be in the room when I know I need to do a thing can sometimes be enough to keep me on track (although sometimes the stress of being watched actually makes it worse).
This isn't to say that guys should all be excused for acting like kids (lot's of guys are seeing their peers struggle to thrive and use their disabilities as a cover for their own selfishness and laziness), but there are a lot of undiagnosed people out there who also don't know why they're like this and therefore aren't trying to get better or work around their needs in a way that will actually work for them.
With adhd, willpower will not get you through it. I burnt myself out trying to just **be** normal until I accepted that I just have certain needs and can only thrive if I respect them. Sometimes diagnosis is just the first step to understanding and being able to actually effect a change instead of constantly promising to do better and constantly failing yourself and everyone around you.
If someone really, truly, cannot figure out **how** to change, no matter how much they want to be the person they imagine themselves capable of, they can't ever get there. Conversations and promises can't help when you physically cannot follow them through. It's not just medication or therapy, it's recognizing the different ways you need to interact with yourself and the world to live well.
Some guys are just being lazy and selfish but there's a lot of people, of any gender, struggling with this same thing who can't figure out why they can't do better even just for their own selves.
It's no one else responsibility to hold our hands and walk us through being functional adults, or to take over being the adults for us. It's our responsibility to get a professional or self-diagnosis and start learning about how our own brains work, why they work that way, and how to use them to their best potential. That way we can take care of our own selves and be better partners and parents as well.
Great plan
When we expect guests, it’s usually his friends and family, so he doesn’t deem it necessary to tidy up and clean the house because “they don’t mind”. So when I naturally want to have a clean and tidy house for the guests, he legit gets angry with me and I have to reassure him that I will do all the cleaning and he won’t have to do absolutely nothing… Unfortunately, me begging him to let me clean completely by myself is the only way I can have a decent home when there are guests…
I have pulmonary issues and can no longer tolerate mowing the back yard (push mower) during hot days, yet every single week I have to ask him to do it instead of him just doing it…AND he gets offended no matter how carefully I bring it up to ask him to. It’s as though he won’t do a task unless I have performed perfectly and made the house just right and cooked suppers all that week prior, so why should he do something for me or something I want done? Nevermind the tall grass.
Imo, if you’ve already talked about it so frequently and he still doesn’t care, then it’s time to let the grass get tall til he decides to notice it himself. Try not to let it bother you. If he never does it, oh well, it’s his own fault. Show him what it would be like if you never reminded him, and what his negligence causes. Let his discomfort with the uncut grass build to the same level as yours.
It will be freeing once you can care as little as he does because, until then, he’s relying on the fact that your care means he doesn’t have to care.
I’m sorry about your health issues, it’s not fair.
Can I ask some clarifying questions?
If you can afford it, perhaps you could pay to have this done and discuss and agree which other chores he would best be able to complete?
When I have someone less experienced/in the know at work I Like when they do this. Yes, take over the thing I am doing, which I by that show is a priority, if I say we need to get stuff done before the the weekend/end of day. Otherwise I'd say another specific thing. Great not to assume your partner knows what you mean and see, and what you feel is obvious. To communicate clearly and talk over before, outside of when it is a Now situation so they can be on board with your vision, or share a new one with input from both of you. Otherwise you might get those "The guests are comin in 15 and he's in the attic scrubbing the walls." situations where he wants to help but don't know what you are too angry to specify. "He should understand and see!" is usually something that goes for all of us, and all of us have things we don't automatically get that is obvious for the other one; you too. We're all morons in our own way. ❤
This is actually so useful.
Knowing why it happens helps a lot in solving it.
Thank you.
I’ve noticed this with a lot of male coworkers as well. They don’t look around and see what can be done, they just stand around doing nothing.
Sounds like you're pissed they don't want to do extra work
@@FMJIRISHdepends on the job but as a janitor I can agree to an extent.
Especially when going above and beyond raises expectations that we simply aren’t contracted for. We’re paid to be their for X long to do A B and C. You can do D occasionally to fill time but we simply aren’t contracted or paid to do so. Spending 15 minutes over each place doing extra becomes a problem.
But the key word is extra.
That's literally the opposite of picking up what you're doing so you can do something else
Idk man i feel like it's even worse when they just sit there and can't even be bothered to lift their feet when you vaccuum. I'm a lesbian, thank god, but I live with my dad and my brother and neither of them seem to ever be inspired to clean, it all ends up being me, and the worst is that when people do come over I get comments about dirt, because even to them it's my responsability to keep my dads house clean...
I think you missed the point. I don’t want my husband barging in while I’m in the middle of cleaning something that he should’ve already done. I’m not asking him to do anything. He just should’ve already done it. I shouldn’t be thinking about all the things that need to happen around the house.
😂 that's why I only did ONE sit-down conversation and said that I'd leave him forever if he ever asks me again. BEST peace of mind ever
Lack of Communication... and then you wonder why shit doesn't get done.
Every person has a different Idea of what clean is, every person has a different Idea on how things are done... You, on the other hand, clearly want things to be done YOUR way without realizing that YOUR way is just YOUR way and clearly not his... So, let me put it clearly down for you... GET THAT FUCKING STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS AND USE THE MOUTH FOR MORE THAN JUST FUCKING COMPLAINING.
He didn't miss the point, he was explaining the reasoning behind it just before going into **solutions** at which point he got cut off and probably continues in the next video. So he was getting there.
@@tatiblack6087 too bad he didn't come to his senses and leave. Holy crap you sound like a nightmare.
@@tatiblack6087Wow you sound psycho
It's also called " common sense" in some places.
Some things genuinely should never have to be explained.
House messy= clean up before guests.
Idc what kind of upbringing you've had, If you need this explained or need to be told how to prioritize as an adult you're failing.
Again, common sense.
Glad this dude came around but it's embarrassing people actually think like this.
I'll keep saying it, if men had the experience to live alone and not helped by mommy, not with roommates, they could have a better sense of house chores and what needs to be done for upkeep.
Na, sorry, this is bullshit. Most of us have lived alone.
Untrue AF.
@@FMJIRISH then what's your excuse for not understanding basic life skills and chores?
@@oOLareOo *facepalm*
Most of us know how to do chores. It's a question of what particular chores your partner wants done at that particular moment.
As I've said elsewhere, considering the person who will lose their shit if something isn't done right is the person who ought to be giving out the tasks, the person who isn't invested on that level really shouldn't have to guess and risk the wrath that will come with guessing incorrectly.
@@FMJIRISH The issue pointed out in the video is the fact that in this example, the partner is too lazy/straight up incompetent/does not want to bother to figure out on their own if something else very basic needs to get done and want to take the one already in action from the partner. Thus, he starts on a task that was already half done, while he could have started a new one, shortening the time that it takes for the whole place to get done all together.
If you really know what it means to upkeep a house/an apartment, you know you can help with, straight up. See your spouse vacuuming? Cool, let me check if the toilet, kitchen or general trash (or anything else you may have) needs attention. You don't go to the spouse "lemme vacuum, cuz I dunno what else needs to be done."
When it comes to the fear that you are not doing something right, don't just do the task half-assed. That's what majority have a problem with. If the task is done fine and spouse still has a problem with it, then it can be discussed and figure out what is acceptable to both parties to compromise on.
Or this might be a controversial thought, maybe tell them exactly what needs to be fucking done so we dont have to read their mind 🤔 🤷
Or, controversial I know, be a grown a$$ adult who knows how to live in a home without being a disgusting slob. Wild, I know. But if you also have eyes and a working brain, you can try using it for yourself to figure things out. It's actually your job, as an adult, to take on the duty of keeping your own environment clean and healthy. Even a child should learn that. Once you leave your childhood, it's no one else's responsibility to clean up after you, wipe your butt, change your diapers, or teach you how to be a grown up.
@pvp6077 when the house is completely clean and no issues and they are still freaking out expecting you to read their minds. As to why I say after I work 12 hours, let me know what it is to be done so I can complete it the way you want it done so I can help.
@@nathansmith7645If she's also working 12 hours and it's also your house and your friends, maybe get an agreement on a "standard" for company coming over (not when you're already expecting them) and then work off the list? Usually it's the rooms they will be in plus the guest bathroom. Also, it's not "helping" when it's also your house.
@@pvp6077 What a ridiculous response. Just because someone doesn't do something when YOU want it done and in the way YOU want it to be done, that doesn't make them a slob.
@@yuppers1 I work my wife stays home, we don't invite people over
You sound like a child