If you can learn to do it in a calm healthy way rather than a rash u turn in behavior people are more accepting. Often we stop giving in a passive aggressive way that triggers people more. Personal development school Thais G has great resources that helped me on this
This describes my wife perfectly. She does anything i want to the point where its unhealthy for her. So to help her i made her my main priority. If she asks if i want anything i say i want her to go relax. She deserves it. Shes a wonderful wife and a great mother. She always tries to please everyone.
Recognizing that in your wife is superb, and I am very proud of you. I too, have a husband that makes sure that I take that break for myself. It was not easy at first, but after 14 years, we have it good and have found ways to create that balance for each other, as he is a giver too, both of us coming from long relationships that didn't have that.
You are a good man. Thank you for doing this for her, and for making her your priority. I've never been in a relationship with this kind of treatment before, so it's good to know that it does exist out there.
Never mind marriage, it is the same with friendship. I have stopped putting up with selfish people. And No. I make No Excuses for Anyone ! After the first few times, & I have said something about it, & no consistent change is made, I'm Done. I won't blame myself for your selfishness, carelessness, or disrespect. I deserve the best life has to offer, & Ibwill hold you accountable& still remain s Giver. I will just givebto someone who is worthy & can match me. We won't even be friends after that, bc you have shown me who you truly are & I can't Trust You in any way ever again.
Just went through this with a long time former friend. She became former when I realized she couldn't be happy for good things in my life and only wanted me as a friend for as much as she could squeeze out of me while constantly disrespecting my boundaries. That's not a friend. It's a narcissistic user. I'm a giver and I'm choosing to give elsewhere.
💯 % 👏 👏 👏 going through that right now as are many others. YOU are worth it and blood or not, family members are their own people and responsible for themselves, so they are accountable too. Our peace ✌️ is something we hold on tight to, don’t give that away to anyone. ❤
This is why live alone. I can't help myself pleasing and caring for a partner, but I've never received half of what I gave them. Now, I just buy myself flowers.
The world is full of you and me. You're not alone. Quite simply, you'll attract the ONE for yourself once you find love for yourself first. It will come easy as your Journey seems to repeat the same pattern with the strangers you meet to the friendships you develop naturally as kindred-spirits. Only then, will being or "living alone" will feel like a thing of the past. Being SINGLE is different than Being ALONE. You'll see... ;-)
@Mike-hr6jz This guy is saying you should be wary of always receiving & not neglecting your partner. No need to blow it to extremes lest you paint yourself as the offender here
I am about to marry a giver. I listen to you daily to try and keep me honest about how I treat her. She is the greatest gift that I've been graced with.
@stellaallbright4750 "and keep us fed" has me smiling so much. I have 11 years of work history in restaurants. Her and I spend so much time in the kitchen together ❤️. Open communication with anything is what I strive for with her. She's my best friend.
I am happy for you. In my relationship I am the people pleaser (due to coming from an abusive home) and my partner is also trying to respect me and cherish my opinions etc. I really notice how much he appreciates me and it makes me really happy. And I think we might not always give the same amount but that is fine as long as I am appreciated and seen.
In layman’s terms, screw over the one who loves you unconditionally but don’t expect them to be foolish enough to stick by your side. Don’t mistaken kindness for naivety
I appreciate that you said THAT relationship. There is still energy left for other relationships but it does take a minute to replenish the tank for yourself
Beautifully put. This was my approach for so long, and perhaps in my youthful ignorance I believed it would eventually work. I truly believed if I was kind and thoughtful enough that surely I would attract the same in retern. It was a tragic misjudgement on my behalf and it took more than half my life to even recognise and start to break the patterns I had taught my self and which I had been taught. My mother would often joke I would befriend Jack the ripper if he smiled at me, and then I would try to save him from him self, she probably wasn't entirely wrong. The younger me was a sweet, childishly innocent and clueless young person, with no judgement and an abundanceof loving hope. I feel quite bad for everything she experienced when I was her if that makes sense... but I am also very greatful to the younger me, her people pleasing was a journey and it brought me here, to a place where I am more aware, more realistic and more capable of looking after myself and seeing myself as the most important one that I need to look after. I could not be me now with out her then. I am not fully broken of my people pleasing but I am far better now, and growing every day. Sorry for the long reply, your words spoke to my experience 😊
Communication. You have to use words because your partner may believe, "well this is what I deserve.” Without realizing that you want reciprocity. My ex just took me for granted, until boom, it reached even my limit, and out the door I went. I want to call it my new phrase to the internet, she had, “malignant entitlement."
I disagree. This happened with me and my husband and he definitely earned the trust back. He went above and beyond to do so and what he did wasn’t normal by any stretch, but I appreciate it so much. ❤
Usually someone who loses our trust and respect is fundamentally unable to see what is fair reciprocity. They are entitled to everything and they owe nothing. Usually they are raised this way and also have the narcissist gene. They fly under the radar because this way of thinking and being is impossible for a giver to understand by nature.
@@unnerving1081 yes, d general rule seems d scenario where d taker denies or partly apologizes, but never fully takes accountability. This is also because it takes a special kind of selfishness to just keep taking for years without giving much back. Such selfish ppl are so lost beyond hope that they lack d emotional bandwidth n introspection required to redeem themselves. But if there was someone who was able to redeem themselves, it wud mean they weren't so lost in d first place or that their life was shaken enough for them to be forced to introspect n change themselves. It's nice to know there are exceptions to d rule.
Totally agree, all or nothing. ride or die, it's sad because no one measures up to our level of love and care, it's lonely but it was also lonely with the heartless too
This is so true. And not only tangible things but intangible things like emotional abuse. My father was a giver, a provider for almost 40 years to my mother and she walked all over him and one day he just woke up and gave her everything (the cars, houses, etc) and he walked away with his peace and he’s never looked back. My mom has to live with this regret of losing the best thing that ever happened to her. It’s really a sad story but I’ve never seen my father happier.
That’s how I left my husband. I knew ahead of time. I started packing some clothes toiletries. When I left, I left. Left all the furniture behind. Didn’t care. Started my life over. It was a financial strain. But I was free from him and I was free to build my own life.
My cousin did the same! He left everything, even a good job at the hospital. He works now, driving delivery food in a huge truck 🚚 all over America. He is so happy now!
I hate takers. Takers suck. I will remember takers are bottomless pits. I need to take care of me and my cat. Most adults can take care of themselves. I sometimes forget that!
@@user-wg6id1gn9g Most of them do, that's why I said givers know your limits. Know when to be strong. Say I do what I can. Let them know that you have limits.
I think it's Sad that we tolerate their BS for so long. It makes me realize the time wasted in my life. Lives is short .. We need to realize THAT & move on, make up for lost time. Life is a learning curve. Keep the faith and do positive affirmations.
@@antheredhen And vice versa, at least for me. If it gives me joy to give, then of course, I need to find someone to give it to, someone who needs what I have to give, AND who appreciates it!
As a reformed people pleaser, I have learned that the same joy I get from giving to others, I need to allow others to experience with me. So when I accept from others, I'm still giving in a sense.
Oh, this is very good. I've never thought of it this way, but it sound & feels right. I've got to try to incorporate your explanation into my daily psyche. I hope it helps me find a better balance. Thanks!
That's spot on. Giving can only be genuine and heartfelt once you learn to receive also. There's nothing wrong with giving more than you receive, but if you refuse to receive at all, then the giving is either an investment or a reflection of a lack of self worth. Don't prevent someone else from feeling the joy of giving by refusing their gifts...
"When you showed me I was worth losing or that I wasn't enough... I believed you... so I left." I give grace. Many ppl don't realize the first chance comes when I invite someone into my life. The second, third, fourth, etc are found in those attempts to communicate & set boundaries. When someone shows that effort is consistently not reciprocated? I see the same patterns? If I'm invalidated, dismissed one too many times? I'm out & I will blame myself for wasting time. Being used to emotional abandonment means I've become adept at walking away. Ppl always act shocked when they realize I'm truly not scared of losing ppl because I've been forced to go through it so many times.
I have even had them break stuff, took my water pipes apart etc etc etc to show me i needed them....wrong! The only one i need is GOD !! When we leave it is for good, you are 100% correct sir :)
Its not as bothersome when you leave earlier so you never run the risk of getting attached in the slightest, I hate that I have had these issues of being dismissed but at the very least its made me extremely keen on picking up bad behaviors from much early on so I cant complain too much on the experiences its taught a decent lesson.
"When someone shows that effort is consistently not reciprocated" - Exactly - even when you tell them what you need, or what you would appreciate. Like stopping to see you when they drive through town on some other pleasure trip. "Not enough time" doesn't cut it as an excuse if they stop to see an aunt, but never you. Or if they drive all sorts of distances to eat out and see other people - but never you. If you care about someone, you make time. What you said about not being scared of losing people because you've been through it so many times....again, so very true.,
This has me crying. When that ship has sailed I don’t go back. I was breadcrumbed my whole life by a narcissistic parent and never ask for much. But when someone can’t even give me my bare minimum, my heart shuts down.
“They will take your breadcrumbs and see it as a whole loaf” OH MY GOSH!! That’s exactly how I am. I’m so used to never being genuinely seen, the moment a person is kind to me I feel amazed.
its so true, we even get into people that treat us bad but politely. Like she did'n insulted me, she just told me she don¿t want me to lose my time investing in her. for sure she'll love me if I try harder.
People need to listen here! He's not putting down people pleasers. He is warning that no one should take advantage of someone who gives a lot because one day- they Will leave.
I left. Narcissist people it is always about them. Twisters big time. When I left him or fled he was in chocked. Within days he had someone else. Same type of supply. They go through so many until they find another people pleaser. I am single and haven't dated. Like my freedom:)
My first husband used to love to make me cry and then get angry at me because I did. I told him he better hope I don't stop crying because if I do, it will mean I don't care anymore. One day I stopped crying and he begged me to stay, but it was too late.
My ex husband told me every day for months what a disappointment I was and how much he hated me. One day that switch flipped, and I started gaining strength to leave with every insult. 8 years after I left, he pleaded to come back, and when I reminded him of the heartbreaking words he said, he brushed them off as just being angry. We never reconciled. What a waste of 13 years. The real gift was our son.
One thing I've learned is that nothing is ever wasted. You lived those 13 and either bad or good, you got something out of them. Examples; your son and probably many learning lessons about yourself, life, etc.
"You know I don't mean what I say when i'm angry." - I've heard this soo many times and asking him to apologise for what he said invalidates the apology, So yeah, I hear you.
@@gail9566 the gift to my mind is the gift you gave your Son in your leaving…watching someone you love take that kind of abuse on some level is abuse too…
Givers leave huge voids behind for takers who spent years refusing to learn self-awareness and empathy. When the Universe allows a Giver to cross paths with another Giver, the abundance of love they create together is pure Magic🎉 I call it Unconditional Love, The Fountain that never runs dry.
These people are so easy to take advantage of. It gets to be expected, and any resistance is met with gaslighting. I've seen it so many times. This guy's insight is such a gift. It feels so good to be seen, understood, and matter.
And givers or people pleasers get so much victim blaming too! Like I'm sorry I'm a kind and giving person? If I love someone I want to support them, and yes I know I can neglect myself sometimes in turn, but that doesn't mean others get to take advantage of me.
Yeah...one of those people here. But I learned to watch for red flags of narcissism before this channel...and his shorts have made it that much easier for me to understand that I'm approaching things correctly, and highlight more behaviors for me to be wary of - having grown up with a narcissist abuser, you almost get accustomed to that kind of behavior, and it can be hard to spot it at first...it's a sad norm for you, but once you learn the signs, and to be vigilant for them? None of the abusers stand a chance.
The problem is we don't know where the line is. Different people, different lines. But when that line is crossed, it's over. It does not mean I don't forgive them; it just means there will be no need of forgiveness in the future, b/c the person who crosses the line one too many times, will not be allowed to cross it again.
@@dltay4263 exactly. It's not that I'm angry. I've just lost all interest and desire to interact, and they would need to become a completely changed person for me to ever consider rekindling. Meanwhile, I literally just wanna move on peacefully with my life ✌️
Yep, be done with the BS, and never turn back. You will undoubtedly be reminded again why you chose to be done if you do turn back. Lessons Learned. 😎✌️
I almost burst into tears when you were done explaining. I have never in my life heard such a clear and true explanation of a part of me that's honestly confusing to understand myself. Thank you!
I’m a recovering people pleaser. I realized I am being dishonest when I people please. I wait for “my turn” and it does not come unless I speak up. Now I’m working on not abandoning myself. I think it’s true that takers put no limits on what they take.
You are so right. I was emotionally neglected as a kid so I became desensitised to neglect. That how I came to marry the first guy who asked me, even though I didn't love him.
Thank you for helping me understand what's happening to me. After years of asking for marriage counseling and he finally says ok, I'm not interested in putting anymore work into it. I'm tired and done.
Same happened to me, and then the marriage counselor seemed to be siding with him and I just couldn't anymore. I have been the happiest in years after I left him 8 months ago (after 29 years of marriage - 10 of which I wanted out).
Same here. He finally agreed but I have to do all the work such as finding one that takes our insurance, make the appointment to fit both our schedules, childcare. If I want to do something together, I have come up with the idea and ask him. He’s okay with just staying home and doing nothing.
And a note to people pleasers: neglecting your needs doesn't please good people. If someone cares about you, they have to pull double duty in communication by guessing what you need and guessing where your boundaries are. If someone doesn't, they have carte blanche to take whatever they want.
I definitely agree that someone who loves me shouldn't be happy if I'm constantly sacrificing my needs to meet theirs. I can't speak for all people pleasers. I've absolutely struggled with voicing my needs in the past, but my partner has never had to "guess" or "be a mind reader" because, like he says, I'm happy with bread crumbs. I don't require much. I don't need help with much. Simply put, as long as you show me the bare minimum of respect, our relationship can easily work out. It's when you take advantage of my kindness for long periods of time that we have a problem; when you invalidate my concerns and disrespect me repeatedly, we have a problem.
@@ShelbiLyn953 A people pleaser should learn that it is actually not healthy to ignore their own feelings. So if you have a partner that cares for your health, this person has to guess at least twice as much what your needs are.
This hit home very deeply over here. It's true in all relationships as well, the amount of "friends" that I simply stop caring about is high, for them was out of the blue but they neglected my feelings for so long that they wasn't even noticing anymore.
This makes so much sense. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a people pleaser. My friends used to say I was savage because I could go from an all in long term relationship where I was deeply in love to ending it - clean break, blocking their number, overnight. I give literally everything I have so when I make up my mind that I’m done, I’m really truly done.
Wow, this. When the deep and accepting love switch snaps off, never to switch on again. Then they spend the next few years horrified they'll never find love like mine again. And I feel nothing. Consistent kindness is everything.
I've never heard anyone mention the switch flip. It's not a metaphor; I can almost literally hear it. Once, I could almost feel it fall right out of my body. We stretch ourselves beyond what we're really OK with, often even letting the people we're stretching for know that's what's going on. And you know what happens to a rubber band that is overstretched too often.
My Dad did this to my mother Off like a light switch. You know your toxic right as a people pleaser. You have a failure to communicate and a lack of self regulated boundaries . You slowly build resentment towards someone for not being a mind reader and for not doing what you imagine they should be doing. That shit is crazy. God dammit learn to communicate. Learn boundaries.
I am a recovering people pleaser and this made me cry, my husband who really loves me has help me alot with it over the years. He has showed me that he is a safe place to share my feelings and that I don't have to bottle it up. That it is ok to have needs and wants. That the word no isn't a dirty word and that I'm allowed to set boundaries. He has helped me build up my confidence and helped me learn to stand up for myself. He love me for who I am and not my past people pleasing tendencies. Not for what I can do for him but what we can accomplish together. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my ride or die. God bless him.
Wow. I didn't realize I needed to hear this. I put up with a lot of crap from my partner over the course of eight years, and I finally called it quits this year because it essentially became like taking care of a child. I was working, doing all the housework, making all the meals, and taking care of our kids all throughout while they just slept and read all day. I kept making excuses for them like they were just depressed or going through a hard time, and I talked to them about it often. I asked for just the smallest little things, like changing our kid's diaper while I was working (I worked from home), and they would get mad at me for asking. So I stopped asking them for anything. Then I mentally checked out of the relationship about a year ago, but I didn't want to hurt them by telling them I wanted to be done. Then it finally came out around Christmas of last year. Great timing, right? But I couldn't hold it in anymore. Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thank you for the video. This helped me understand myself a little more.
When I began reading your comment I double checked to see if it was one that I wrote because I have the exact same story only mine went on for 22-year marriage and then after that eight more years with the same kind of relationships. After healing and after researching and learning about narcissistic abuse I have healed and found a wonderful man who has been through some of the same situations that I have so I just want to encourage you that your person is out there. Until then focus on those babies because that is the most important thing you'll ever do
Not only for couples! But for the givers of family members, friends! I've stepped back from relatives who just take, take, take and never give! I'm done after 40 years of the BS!
I know my longtime friend cares about me but I’m hurt, feeling like I’m a backup option to her bf/baby daddy (who sucks). I’ve lent her money 11 years ago, never bothered her about it cause I’m comfortable financially and she’s not, I’ve treated her to nice gifts, concerts- because I want to treat a friend. But I’m just feeling abandoned and she gave me a pretty thoughtless birthday gift recently (like random kids stickers and gummies from her work- I don’t eat gelatin gummies she knows that) recently and it set me off. It’s not even the money it’s just feeling I put more thought into things and I’m just sad 😞 I feel so alone right now. I wish I’d worked on building other relationships but I seem to attract users and with my trauma history (and I suspect maybe I’m mildly autistic) it’s just hard for me.
@@milliem8051It's hard for most people especially the older you get. For awhile I decided I shouldn't just walk away without telling the person why and giving them a chance. This was very hard for me but I felt it was fair. Sometimes it worked and the person became more thoughtful. Mostly they just denied. But both ways I found out who I was important to and who I wasn't. You've been a good friend for a long time, sounds like. So tell her you feel she doesn't value your friendship anymore, and tell her thanks and good wishes for the future. Send her a card if you want. See how she responds.
I... didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. I'm absolutely the giver, and he's right. Once I checked out.. I was gone. I didn't even care when his attention went somewhere else. Not mad, not sad, or betrayed. Just nothing.
@SilverLaBelle Same here, I ended up telling my husband at the time that I just don't care anymore about his love affairs but I did ask him not to bring it around the kids and that he better use protection and not give me a std.
@lorireed8046 You are exactly right! I'm coming out of a year long relationship with a man who took so much from me. I gave of myself, time, attention, emotional and financial support, and now I've been called money hungry, selfish, controlling, and some very, very, awful names. This man became mentally abusive towards me. I feel like a shell of myself. I feel like he drained all the goodness from me. I took all the abuse I could for months and one day it hit me like a ton of brick and I realized he was an abusive taker and I knew he would never change. No matter what I did for him it was never enough. I then knew he would never change. I left most of my worldly possessions and I grabbed my little 14 year old dog and a hastily packed overnight bag, and left. I didn't look in the rear view mirror when I left. I went to a friend's house and told them I had left him. They said it was about time. They had seen the abuse and they told me I wasn't the first woman he had done this to. I think the bad ones can spot a true giver a mile away. I'm going to take my time, heal from this and find myself a place of my own and regain my joy for life.
@@billpetersen298 LoL Out here giving advice like you know people on here personally? How toxic are you billpetersen type toxic? Damn. It's just a warning and does get worse . MOST doesn't even come from a S.O. but from siblings, children or even your neighbors.
Do those people not have a chance to grown. Yes some may never but we all have the right to not be right or have it all figured out at any point in our life. Just try not to be so harsh on others for not knowing.
Who do you think needs to hear it? Do you not recognize people pleasing is a trauma response? Or are you making the assumption that people pleasing is healthy?
Actually both sides need to hear it. This is also about us being aware what we set our relationships up for, when we allow trampling of boundaries and bleeding out of resources instead of stepping up our boundary skills and self-worth! We're right here. Saying it indirectly doesn't mean you shouldn't listen. It being about us is just a way to ease us into that truth!
I think I understand what you are trying to say, but you are slightly misguided in your understanding of true givers. Yes, it CAN be a dysfunction if it is coupled with or caused by trauma. However, there are TRUE givers out there in the world who only give because their hearts are full of love and it makes them happy. Does that make sense? The man in the video was talking about TRUE givers, not those who give everything out of desperation and a dyer need to be loved, at all costs
So true….💔…..not only in marriage, but it happens in friendships….you’re everybody’s friend, cheerleader, confidant, until you have a need, just to talk about a problem that has come up, and try as you might, your friends always make it about themselves………so I shut down after years of being a friend to them, and I stopped bothering, started taking care of myself…..it hurt at first to find out I was their friend, but they weren’t mine. I have peace now, and I moved to the south, people are so sweet here I almost can’t believe the kindness I receive here , it’s lovely✨
I'm right there with you. I THOUGHT I had friends. I found out they were not there for me. I lost my friend-circle nearly 13 years ago. Trying to make new friend connections, now, takes more work, effort, and energy than my disabled body has. I have simply accept that I have acquaintances scattered about, and I stuff the need for friends and confidants. Work (elementary teacher) and church have not provided replacements. So I just bury myself in books, movies, and RUclips.
I’m a giver, not a people pleaser. There’s a difference. My people reciprocate, even if they don’t I still do it from the ❤not for things in return. With that said, I don’t let people walk all over me. I’ll speak up and say something. Don’t be scared to lose people. They should be scared of losing a pure heart ❤️
Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes. Am I the only person whose threshold for being just done with people who take advantage of me got lower and lower over time until it's actually below my desire to give? Where trust has been broken and abused so many times that you can't find the strength to trust anyone else? Am I the only one?
Agree 100%. When you no longer feel safe to communicate with the person you need communicate with, there can sometimes be a vicious cycle of " I have a need. I want to communicate that need. I feel I cannot bring up that need safely, but I will do my best and if there should be any conflict, I can take it upon myself to fix that as well, because I don't want to not put in the work..." and then comes further disrespect of boundaries, not feeling like you can bring that up etc...
Well said! Ironically, he was the one feeling like he wasn’t being heard. I wasn’t validating his feelings either even though I was the one that needed the validation more. Now that I realize how controlling and invalidating I’ve been, thanks to these videos, I’m finally learning to validate his feelings, but he’s already decided that I don’t know how and he’s not able to hear when I do. We both have to change the narrative we hold for each other, and it is not easy. Even with a Therapist, we are struggling, but neither one of us are giving up on it. These comments in this video, give me strength to keep trying🙏🏻🙏🏻✨
@@inspired2rv661 I think you’re right in the sense that you should change the narrative you hold for each other, that’s good insight! It shows you see that it takes two to put in the work. Something we’ve found very useful is to remember that no matter what, it’s important to keep communication open ended. To keep the goal of connection there as opposed to CORrection. While some correction may be there, its connection that we strive for more than anything.
I married a sweetheart of a giver. Not being as natural of a nurturer myself, it often occurs to me that I must intentionally find ways to show him how much I care that convey the feeling _to him._ Never want to take him for granted or make him feel that way.
This has always been me. I’ve been betrayed and taken advantage of by almost everyone in my life, 100% by those closest to me and who supposedly loved me. On top of a lot of physical/mental/emotional abuse, it’s been the hardest thing to not completely shut down and run away and live life as a hermit recluse in the woods or something. My son is the only good person in my life. He’s keeping me holding on.
I feel the same, I’m glad you have your son. I feel very alone. With my longtime friend, I’m questioning things right now. I know she cares about me but things feel too one sided I feel I’ve given too much and I’m hurting. I feel incapable of healthy relationships, like I should try to put myself out there but I don’t have it in me. I think I learned to be a people pleaser as a trauma response to keep the peace, I grew up in an abusive home first 6 years of my life.
As a recovering people pleaser, what's helping me is calling my people pleasing manipulative. Because in many ways it is, regardless of the reasons WHY I developed this habit. I am manipulating people by denying my needs and I won't be manipulative anymore. My boundaries and needs matter. And I am trying to speak up for myself more because of this.
Yeah this. There’s an important difference between being a giver and being a people pleaser. Being a giver comes from a good place, it’s about enjoying giving, it’s a form of love language, but it doesn’t interfere with one’s boundaries. Being a people pleaser comes from a place of trauma, it’s harmful for everyone involved, it’s not about enjoying the giving, but about having learned that as a survival strategy.
Yeah I think oftentimes there is a failure to recognize how manipulative it can be. I dated a self-described people pleaser for a while, and every time I tried to talk to him about any issue, he'd tell whatever "truth" he thought I wanted to hear. It was immensely painful and I felt like I was going increasingly insane because nothing seemed to be adding up, yet I knew that there was no way that there was any malicious intent involved. Towards the end any attempts to set the record straight led to him shutting me down by calling me creepy for remembering what he'd said in the past, or telling me that I was pressuring him. So I did my best to shut up and accomodate him. In his journey to be better at "self care" he didn't adress the core fuckin issue of his incessant lying to avoid conflict, and developed fun new strats like making me feel deeply ashamed for not knowing what to do.
@@Roman_zBP By neglecting your own needs and not saying what you want/need, you put pressure on the other person to read your mind to know how to treat you well. And if that´s how you want to be treated then you want people to neglect their own needs in order to please you. I don´t like the word "manipulative" for reasons so please don´t get stuck on that word. But what I wrote is my honest criticism of people pleasing behavior.
I was a people pleaser for most of my life. When I matured, I stopped and it was so freeing. People pleasers attract the worst kind of human: narcissists.
You’re so fortunate to have broken free from that pattern. I’ve been trying for years and I’ve succeeded with all my relationships except for my husband. Please share how you broke free from that pattern? I realize it’s different for everyone, but your comment gives me hope.
@@ChristyBagasaoI guess knowing who deserves it? Having firm boundaries. Not doing anything for someone just because you can. Don't give more than asked. Don't give more than your energy is telling to. And don't tie your self worth to what you're doing for someone. You can't force someone to love you by doing everything they want. If they love you healthily, you should be able to say no ❤ That's what I've been learning about this so far. Also pouring my love to art, myself, studying, my kid, plants, my house, never a guy, unless he treats me equally nice
@@ChristyBagasao I think learning to recognize why you are wanting to please people is also really helpful. Are you doing it because it brings you joy? That's healthy as long as it's not being taken advantage of. Are you doing it because you want someone to like you and you're afraid they won't otherwise? That's unhealthy and could be considered manipulation too. Basically are you trying to buy people with your love or are you doing it because it makes you feel good?
As a people pleaser, I've discovered the double edged sword. If you are good at many things and show love through deeds, your partner will be overpowered and feel like they have very little to contribute to the relationship. Give them the opportunity to add value before it's too late.
This made me cry. I was in this relationship as a giver for years and when I finally flipped that switch, I felt ashamed for realizing I had no more left to give. My wounds felt like proof of my own failing, instead of the failings of the other. There is a lot of suffering between the "kept taking the hits" phase, and the "I deserve better" phase.
Similar story for me. I gave and gave within a relationship. When I could give no more and considered leaving, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I felt I had no choice except to stay and care for him. When he passed I felt a sense of relief and then guilty for not being sadder. I realize now that I should have spoken up and asked for more equality the first year, rather than enduring years, until I hit a saturation point.
Yep. As my ex-husband and my oldest daughter found out. Take, take, take. Until I said, "I'm done." I wasn't a total people pleaser but I am an empath. I don't advise really, really pissing off an empath. They will be with you through everything until you lose their respect and trust. Then they will step right over you and move on in a blink and they won't look back.
I literally just ended an 18 year relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life for this exact reason. Her mother suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my ex was diagnosed three years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was not until I heard the quote "Givers have to set limits because takers never will" that I finally started setting boundaries and pushing for the respect I deserve. It was at this point when I realized how little love and respect my partner had for me, so I ended the relationship putting my needs first. It was the best thing I ever did and I am truly happy for the first time in years. Know your value and don't allow others to feed off of your kindness.
I'm 44 and still learning how to set boundaries. I truly enjoy helping the people I love, but sometimes I'm just so tired, and I don't know how to say no I need to take care of me today.
Are you saying that they are guilty of having a mental disorder? Who would also explain their behaviour? This is such a wrong example!! at the end of the day being happy is the most important thing. Just, I wouldn’t blame others in this situation
@@amandareed4689as someone who also has bpd, I am the same way. However my mother who also has it on the other hand is the opposite or will make you feel guilty later on for the things she gives you. So it all really depends on the person in what ways their bpd manifests since it’s a complex disorder. I don’t think this comment was exactly insinuating that everyone with bpd is selfish but I do think that parts of the disorder do make you selfish without realizing so it’s important to be self aware abt it in order to improve
O my gosh!! This is so true. I used to be a huge giver, and serve others, I’m getting back to it now, but the reason I stopped giving for years is because no one appreciated it, I was called weak, or told To do more. There are people I will never give to again.
This is so true. After 50 years, i am finally developing the capacity to have healthy boundaries, and the people who use to take take take my niceness were quick to accuse and misjudge and name call when they couldnt exploit me anymore.
@@jackiepowell7513 Yes!! Due to being so kind, they think I am naive and it has always drove me crazy!! Although I take comfort in the fact that I know I am not at all. If I was as naive as everyone thinks I am, I would have been dead long ago!
Thank you for sharing this, I'm happy you got to that point. I'm 35 now and I'm trying to push through in developing my boundaries. This motivates me today to keep on going
This sounds like my typical relationships and some friendships. Once I have had enough, I can just switch off, and I feel so liberated and happy once I cut them off. Once I'm done, I'm done.
Yeah. In a way it upsets me that deep down Jimmy is right. I can see the parallels in my own personal relationships. Spending time with that person and committing energy to them is so draining.
I'm exactly that description of a people's pleaser. I like that you added that that's what we love to do, most people portray this as people who want to get something out of it, or that do it out of insecurities or stuff like that... But I genuinely get joy out of helping others, even if it's sometimes at my expense. Just wanted to write that ❤
Remember he is only doing this video from the perspective of someone who thinks it’s okay to cheat on their partner at one point and has no professional expertise. He is just setting up his next spring board to cheat on his wife
@@lizardltd ❤️❤️❤️ thank you for this. I feel the same way. But when I'm done, I'm colder than Antarctica. I'm checked out. I have nothing else to give.
My experience dating people pleasers is the contrary, they get so happy and overwhelmed with all the love and affection and attention and I'm like "omg, I'm giving you the bare minimum, get your standards higher king". I just have to be careful to never pressure them, because I know they have a hard time saying no and knowing what they really want, so it takes time to learn they body language and kinda "read their minds" to know what they like and what they do just to please you. And be a mirror for their actions and teach them life will not end if they say no or disappoint you one time, you can just do a different fun thing.
It’s sad that I’ve just discovered that my need to see others do well and be happy took over my life to the point that it is unhealthy. I’ve realized the people I’ve surrounded myself with are takers leaving a huge void in my needs. I even felt guilty just now writing “my needs.” Not sure how to create a more balanced life.. but these videos have inspired me to respect the fact that I’ve set little to no expectations for others to give to me in my life. I’d like to try, being cared for and openly loved sounds nice.
I'm an extreme people pleaser, but since going to college. I've learned a lot from friends and my classes (I'm studying to be a social worker), and realized I can't put others above myself so much all the time. I'm still a huge people pleaser, but I've started to push back a little bit on when people are derogatory or negative to me. It's honestly been really hard, because now I'm genuinely reacting to jokes my family makes all the time that really bother me, and constantly being told "You used to be able to take a joke". I love them so much, but it really hurts to be told I'm being too sensitive now, and that I shouldn't react the same way they do when they're teased about things that they're sensitive or insecure about.
Straight up truth. When Threshold reached, new life is planned. The neglected will then be the neglector and that person will be asking why while that caring individual is on their way out.
This resonates deeply with me. You've clarified the people pleaser and those who do more for others on a daily basis. But when the tank is empty, you're absolutely right. The switch is flipped and there's nothing left for that person anymore. That's when you're finally able to walk away, even if you're an anxious person. There's just nothing left to give. People will suck your soul right out of you if you let them.
This is so friggen true. Be careful if you are a selfish person who constantly takes, because its a two way street and takers just do not give a crap, and then one day you've just taken too much and nothing is left.
I was that people pleaser.... and it's amazing how many people are incredibly upset and mortified when you no longer associate with them.. because they gave you nothing anyway and you have nothing to be sad about.. there is really no "loss" but because they're so used to you giving for so long, they feel an incredible emptiness when you're gone😊
@MiguelGarcia-fn1er yes! I only have a very small group of people I really hold dear. Others are acquaintances. I was never being used, but I was doing way too much to make sure everyone around me was doing okay at the cost of my own financial, mental, and physical well-being. When I stop associating with them, they are usually very sad and upset about it.. and my close friend told me it was because I gave them too much, and now they have a giant empty hole, whereas they never gave anything, so there is no empty hole for me. It resonated with me..
@@beestar that could be true, also. As long as you're with people who don't expect all these things from you while they do nothing for you and as long as you're safe and happy, that's really all that matters.
I know one of these. They have trouble with standing up for themselves. They even neglect themselves by thinking for you. So we're working on them showing their own desires, wishes and needs, without the filter of what's good for the other.
“… a switch gets flipped and trust is gone.” Made me think of many past, toxic relationships - family, partners, colleagues, friends - and the various turning points that began the relationship’s end. Thank you for shining a spotlight on this dynamic.
It's the expectation of reciprocation and a lack of clear communication of their own needs. I can't deal with someone like that, you never know what's expected of you.
The bare minimum requirements for people is to be nice. We dont expect you to reciprocate every actions that we give. We just want you to be nice to us.
@@stefanklass6763 that’s not entirely true . I was clear about what I needed out of friendships and relationships and it fell on deaf ears. It’s ironic because once i felt I wasn’t getting what I needed out of the relationship I fell back and didn’t do all the legwork. I either got judged for not doing “my part” or the person would crawl back to me and suddenly be more interested. But I do agree some people don’t communicate about what they want in a relationship. There’s a saying I learned. Stop overplaying yourself role . Deal with people how they deal with you. Hardly, barely and accordingly. Once I did that I became so much at peace.
Fellow givers: please do not give all without asking for what you need to replenish. It is so easy to think it's obvious what you need in return bc that is what comes naturally to us. Just communicate when you're feeling unrequited. Ppl who are worth it will listen.
Only the selfish toxic narcissistic ones. In a way people pleasing is a surefire way to uncover takers and abusers. The trick is becoming aware of this and learning how to break the chain.
@@roberttruman8444it's not easy to undo it all, there are still takers that abuse it , yep happening at work to me and I fighting it whit all my power
Except that this is the inverse of what it actually means: It's called "The Golden Rule (treating others the way that you want to be treated)"--Why does no one seem to grasp that?!
@@bobinaleigh Actually that has always made perfect sense to me. If you have an unhealthy or unnatural perception of yourself and others then this might not be the philosophy for you. But it's the most logical motivation for behaviour I can think of. I often get drawn into debates about respect, giving it and receiving it, by saying "People who respect themselves, respect others". I don't even have to argue it, it's just true. Look at the way anyone shows respect or disrespect to others, and you will always be able to find that cannot disrespect anyone more than they can disrespect themselves. Their displays are as much a self reflection as they are a criticism of others, sometimes more!
As a people pleaser.. this resonates deep. I would walk away after enough neglect, but then feel guilty like I'm being cold and heartless. Obviously, that's not the case, but the takers will definitely make you feel that way
@rsamom Yes, I am single now, and ironically some people think it is because I do not care about love, but it is because I am tired of mistreatment. When I was a naive teenager, I pictured myself married with kids and a camper, a dog and a cat. I have the dog, but no husband or kids.
As someone who resonates with this… thank you for not pathologizing or making me wrong for giving a tremendous amount of love. I feel validated by your words. The fact that I just saw this video feels like an omen from god, telling me, “you are seen and there are people out there who will advocate for you and back you the way you have always done for others.” I feel like a bottomless well of nurturing care. When I love somebody I cannot help but pour pour pour that love into them. It is healing and gratifying for me even if it’s not 100% reciprocated. Of course I long for reciprocity but I am happy regardless. I lose nothing but gain so much being able to care for others. The reward is their comfort, peace, happiness, ease. I have always been this way. And there are so many narratives out there that have made me doubt and be ashamed of being how I am, instead of loving me and trying to protect me. So this just means so much. And yes, a little has always gone a long way with me.
I get what you're saying about people-pleasing. It can sometimes feel like there's an underlying need for validation, which might come across as a bit needy or insincere. Personally, I believe in helping others because it's the right thing to do, not because I'm looking for recognition. I even prefer to stay anonymous when I can, just to keep the focus on the act itself rather than any acknowledgment. Everyone's different, though, and I guess some people just seek that validation as part of their own journey.
life long people pleaser, only in the past years have i started being firm with boundaries and advocating for myself. About a year ago i met the absolute love of my life, i would genuinely do anything for him. I will stop at nothing to make him smile, and the thing he genuinely wants the most is for me to take care of myself. I’ve felt that neglect switch be flipped many times in relationships/friendships, but it’s almost overwhelming how loved this man makes me feel.
Not just in marriage- friendships also. I've dropped several friends over the years who have taken me for granted. The shock they display is always the same but I never return- push me too far and you deserve everything you get. I am learning to be more cautious and less of a people pleaser. I'm very self sufficient and resilient so there is no need for me to make even the minimum effort let alone bend over backwards like I had the tendency to do. It takes work to find the correct balance and I still fall into the trap of over giving. The last taker I dropped exploded with rage 😂 I laugh about it now but hope she has learned her lesson.
Same! All the friends I used to have when I was in my teens and twenties are now gone, either because I cut them off or because I started saying no in words and deeds and they didn't like that. I'm in my 30s now and the people I associate now actually communicate with me and we like being around each other while also giving each other space. I never ask why we haven't talked in two or three weeks and vice versa, because the relationship doesn't change. They never really take, but we mutually give - our time, our energy, our interest in one another. It's so relieving.
I needed to hear this. I'm trembling on the threshold of leaving a neglectful emotionally abusive marriage of 40 years. I've been looking for a place to live for the past 6 weeks but it's not going fast enough. My anger has started to cool and I was starting to wonder if I would just cave and stay as usual because it's easier but after hearing this I remembered why I have to go. The line in the sand was crossed and I respect myself more than continuing this way. ❤
THIS IS CORRECT. and narcissists know this. They prey on people pleasers and use them up. I reached my limit exactly 2 years ago today when I found out that “Michael” in his phone was actually “Marie. I blew and blew big…high and to the right” I AM SO HAPPY I AM NOT WITH HIM TODAY. what a loser.
As one of these people, I will add what I learned from therapy. When as a child no one cares about your needs, you eventually stop even voicing what you want or what you need, why would you keep trying to be met with rejection. The thing is in a relationship, you have to voice your needs and wants, you have to have a voice, your partner is not a mind reader. You have give them a chance first. Hard thing to learn.
Thanks for typing this out. Gotta treat that inner child with love and tenderness for the old associations it's hanging on to. Learning this and hoping to become more communicative about my needs.
OMG!!😱😱😱 Called out. Nailed. No one has EVER identified my whole bleeding dynamic! Or even considered it. Everyone has always told me I am too giving, too tolerant, too accepting of others' hurt or neglect -- except when it comes to them! I can't believe you have identified this. How do YOU know this??
@@grovermartin6874The person who keeps pouring endlessly into others becomes empty. People pleasers need to learn to pour into themselves first and take care of themselves. People pleasing is an unhealthy coping mechanism. Learn to love, value and respect yourself.
@@meera2531 That may be true for some people, but not for all. I feel full and fulfilled by giving and sharing, as long as it flows naturally. But don't try to take from me! I am filled by giving, not by being taken from. Then I fight.
this is so so so very accurate. as people pleasers, we have lived in the love desert all our lives. as a result, we do whatever is necessary to see that smile, feel that love.. we will do somersaults for you. we enjoy your joy, we enjoy our ability to BE happy and the tolerance for nonsense is unreal, but, you keep going so so far in that no appreciation, disrespectful direction, until you run out of road. now you understand what I'm done means. no turning back. we're done and I am good.
This is so dangerously spot on! Thank you so much for validating how I feel about my marriage. A beautiful flower can only thrive when it’s not growing in toxic soil!
I so needed to hear this as I have now totally shut down in my marriage of 30 years, staying because he is a good person but just doesn't see me, and I have nowhere to go.
Sorry to hear that, well do things that make you happy. Go out & get a hobby, learn something. Don't be in that house when he comes home. Cuz you have things to do. Then he'll wonder where you are & maybe "see" you cuz your not there . Don't stay there waiting for him, go & do things that interest you. Well I know what your going thru, left after 20 yrs. & had enough not being seen. And not even being last on his list- I wasn't even on his list. Take care
Each and every word he spoke resonated with me. 😔😔 I'm a giver. And I am proud of who I am. I believe God will prepare someone who will validate and appreciate me.
Where did you dig this information up and HOW have I been here 60 years without this revelation into half of my troubles with relationships. It is just sad but so grateful that you have put it out there for us who suffer this lack of insight.
I listen to this over and over again. I am a giver/caretaker. Everything is fine until I am seen as a person. Everything is fine until I need anything for myself.
Holy sh*t. You worded it out perfectly. I'm currently in this exact situation. 7 years of relationship, and after few fights recently the "switch" flipped for me. Years of giving and years of not receiving the same affection back. Years of bending my own boundaries for benefit of my partner. Just recently i have started to regain ALL of the poorly negotiated boundaries back and setting my own, causing even more conflicts. I haven't still made the final decision, as i am pondering whether i am delusional and arrogant for asking more, or is my inner voice correct, because currently i am anxious just for her being in the same room as i am. I have became stone cold, emotionally, to her. What makes it hard is the fact that there has been good times also, times when she was there for me in her own way. But i think i just need more, and i'm not wrong for demanding it. At this point she could give me everything i have asked for all these years, and i still would be bitter to her. Thank you Jimmy for articulating this so well. You have given me clarity on my behavioural pattern.
@@cassondrad2280 Wild that you think so little of them to never bother saying anything and putting effort into boundaries. You lie constantly and make people think you’re ok with things you aren’t, allow them to make you feel taken advantage of while saying it’s fine, put absolutely 0 effort into working through conflicts and rob others of resolution, and remove the onus of responsibility for knowing what you are ok with onto others but SECRETLY. Then ultimately you end up hating them and discarding them. Because you don’t care about other people at all and are super selfish and lazy and manipulative. You’re literally still blaming them for everything you yourself CHOSE to do and told them was fine. That’s on you. You drained you. It’s such an immature outlook.
So important to pour back into that person in return. Most who are takers do t even realize the gift they have been given in someone who pours into them.
The person who keeps pouring endlessly into others becomes empty. People pleasers need to learn to pour into themselves first and take care of themselves. People pleasing is an unhealthy coping mechanism.
And its a huge shock when they FINALLY understand that every emotion you ever truly & deeply felt for them or entrusted them with was either totally taken for granted , willingly ignored or used against you and there is nothing they can do to repair the damage, get that trust or bond back again and now if there is any connection/communication between you it comes from a cold, transactional and purely necessary reason, they all of a sudden SEE THE LOVE AND DEDICATION and will totally change🙄 To have someone that would willingly die to see you happy, be slowly eaten away at, ignored and passed over until their spirit is broken and then wonder why they have turned distant and apathetic towards the very person that chose to willfully ignore or be completely ungrateful for all that sincerity and love is unbelievably painful and uncomfortable.
I recommend you the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I Can relate to your comment, I was raised by christian parents who taught me to be a people pleaser.
Giving and people pleasing are two very different things, the might be similar but the root intention is different, people pleasers are manipulating you to get something they want in return for their generosity and they have a low threshold like you said, and they get hurt a lot in the process but it's not fair even for them. while givers do not expect something in return, but they won't tolerate a relationship that is not balanced, they will give without expecting anything in return but they will leave when they feel abandoned and they talked about it to their partners and didn't get any positive results. I am a recovering people pleaser and I'm saying this out of love. Thanks Jimmy
Thank you, I had to scroll a lot to find this comment! I had the feeling from the video that he equates people pleasing with giving and somehow presents the former as something good, but it's really unhealthy. Also, my experience is that it can continue forever in a relationship dynamic, I've seen that with my parents. Nobody talks about this but when you were raised seeing your mother being a people pleaser her whole life, it take tremendous work to be able to have a healthy relationship, and I'm still not there.
@@andreac647 I feel honored that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me, im glad you find my comment relevant, and i wish you the smoothest and most loving journey towards healing ❤️
This hit so hard. I've come to realise I'm a people pleaser and I'm actually in the process of ending a 10 year relationship because like you said....I've just realised I deserve more than the bare minimum.
You are spot on! I give and make excuses for bad behaviour for years…until I am done. When that happens I am done, and no amount of pleading works. I realize I was complicit in over giving, so that is why I am done with relationships…I don’t have boundaries, so I am done finally.
This hit me hard. I will pour myself out for others, with a smile on my face, until I have nothing left. I've quite literally made myself ill doing it. Until I am so hurt and lonely, that I just turn off. I have actually withdrawn so much that I've become a bit of a recluse. Real questions. How do you find someone who will reciprocate, so I don't end up feeling so abandoned that I don't trust anymore? And how do you trust enough to let someone into your life again? And how do you stop yourself from giving so much that you have nothing left?
You tell yourself never again. You stop looking for someone to fill a part of you that feels like is missing, and instead you work on yourself and living a beautiful life alone, any way you can. Then you become the person who repels these vampires instead of attracting them 😊
@@IndiBex86 I'm sorry. I wish I had some helpful advice, butI'm going on 5+ years. The only people I see, other than my son, are my doctors and their staff, and the waiters when we go to a restaurant after my doctor's appointments. I don't work, so I don't even have those interactions. About the most conversation I have, other than my son, is comments sections on RUclips videos and lost delivery drivers. 🥴 The worst part, for me, is that when I broke, and couldn't do it anymore, when I was getting 4 hours sleep, and running all over the place, giving ungrateful people rides to and from work, helping people financially to my own loss, starting my day at 6am, ending my day at 1am or later, taking naps in my car because I was so exhausted, sewing Halloween costumes for them by hand, and babysitting a toddler for free, all the people I had been breaking my back for, disappeared. I realized they weren't friends (stupid me thought we were family), I was a convenience. I made their lives easier. And I misunderstood their reliance on me, and them trusting me to help them as affection. That we shared meaningless conversation as friendship. Even my ex husband, who if I'm honest, was the worst of them all, bailed when I needed to be taken care of. I had two surgeries and he couldn't be bothered to visit me, or even pick me up from the hospital. Yet I can't tell you how many times I stayed for hours with him in the ER, because of his stupid kidney stones, because he was in pain and scared. Sorry. I shouldn't be unloading all this on you, but if you've been there, then you know where I'm coming from. I just don't know how to get back to a place where I have friends (who are actual friends), much less anything more. How do you tell who is good for you and how do you not repeat the same patterns? At my age, I don't even know where to start. Sorry again for unloading. I appreciate you chiming in to say you get it, and are struggling too. I wish you well.
when a giver steps back, they're suddenly called " selfish"..by all the takers
Too accurate.
Before: "You need to learn to say no."
After: "You are so selfish."
This! 1000%. Takers do not like boundaries. Even adult children. Very painful and I will survive! (Cue Gloria Gainer)
@@blauespony1013 on point
You say no once and it’s like you’ve never done anything for them ever. When you’ve in fact done EVERYTHING for them!!
If you can learn to do it in a calm healthy way rather than a rash u turn in behavior people are more accepting. Often we stop giving in a passive aggressive way that triggers people more. Personal development school Thais G has great resources that helped me on this
This describes my wife perfectly. She does anything i want to the point where its unhealthy for her. So to help her i made her my main priority. If she asks if i want anything i say i want her to go relax. She deserves it. Shes a wonderful wife and a great mother. She always tries to please everyone.
Lucky you and even more lucky for her to find you!
You are so sweet and lucky both to have each other.
Recognizing that in your wife is superb, and I am very proud of you. I too, have a husband that makes sure that I take that break for myself. It was not easy at first, but after 14 years, we have it good and have found ways to create that balance for each other, as he is a giver too, both of us coming from long relationships that didn't have that.
She is lucky.
You are a good man. Thank you for doing this for her, and for making her your priority. I've never been in a relationship with this kind of treatment before, so it's good to know that it does exist out there.
This honestly applies to friendships and family relationships too.
Never mind marriage, it is the same with friendship. I have stopped putting up with selfish people. And No. I make No Excuses for Anyone ! After the first few times, & I have said something about it, & no consistent change is made, I'm Done. I won't blame myself for your selfishness, carelessness, or disrespect. I deserve the best life has to offer, & Ibwill hold you accountable& still remain s Giver. I will just givebto someone who is worthy & can match me. We won't even be friends after that, bc you have shown me who you truly are & I can't Trust You in any way ever again.
it sure does!
Very true
Just went through this with a long time former friend. She became former when I realized she couldn't be happy for good things in my life and only wanted me as a friend for as much as she could squeeze out of me while constantly disrespecting my boundaries.
That's not a friend. It's a narcissistic user. I'm a giver and I'm choosing to give elsewhere.
And co-workers 🙁
Yes, and this applies not only to romantic relationships. This applies to Family and Friends as well.
Even to people whom you don’t know or even don’t like.
💯 % 👏 👏 👏 going through that right now as are many others. YOU are worth it and blood or not, family members are their own people and responsible for themselves, so they are accountable too. Our peace ✌️ is something we hold on tight to, don’t give that away to anyone. ❤
This is why live alone. I can't help myself pleasing and caring for a partner, but I've never received half of what I gave them. Now, I just buy myself flowers.
This made my smile! 💐🌺🌻🌷🪷🪻 here you go! 💜 Blessings!
❤❤❤
Same here ❤❤❤
Same Girl 🎉❤
The world is full of you and me. You're not alone. Quite simply, you'll attract the ONE for yourself once you find love for yourself first. It will come easy as your Journey seems to repeat the same pattern with the strangers you meet to the friendships you develop naturally as kindred-spirits. Only then, will being or "living alone" will feel like a thing of the past. Being SINGLE is different than Being ALONE. You'll see... ;-)
When they're done with you, they are absolutely done. Period.
Exactly. Once it over it's over. In other relationships maybe they will get a chance, but with a pp they will never come back
So this guy is saying you should date narcissists, who love only themselves that is neurotic as well as stupid
@Mike-hr6jz This guy is saying you should be wary of always receiving & not neglecting your partner. No need to blow it to extremes lest you paint yourself as the offender here
@@gavina4921 no need in worrying about how I’m painting myself. I don’t care what part of that do you not get?
@@Mike-hr6jz you took this completely wrong
I am about to marry a giver. I listen to you daily to try and keep me honest about how I treat her. She is the greatest gift that I've been graced with.
We are really AWESOME partners so long as you maintain a healthy balance of give/take, good communication, and keep us fed!! 💜
@stellaallbright4750 "and keep us fed" has me smiling so much. I have 11 years of work history in restaurants. Her and I spend so much time in the kitchen together ❤️. Open communication with anything is what I strive for with her. She's my best friend.
I am happy for you. In my relationship I am the people pleaser (due to coming from an abusive home) and my partner is also trying to respect me and cherish my opinions etc.
I really notice how much he appreciates me and it makes me really happy. And I think we might not always give the same amount but that is fine as long as I am appreciated and seen.
Congratulations.🎉 Keep up the work of trying to understand your partner and even when life gets tough you'll have support.
Love your commitment and care for your future wife. Wish you both so much happiness. ❤
In layman’s terms, screw over the one who loves you unconditionally but don’t expect them to be foolish enough to stick by your side. Don’t mistaken kindness for naivety
Bingo
Because what I give is unconditional love, not unconditional tolerance.
@@southernpearl amen
Yes, I got that message from him too. 🙄
So much truth here ❤️
This is absolutely correct. When a “people pleaser’s” tank becomes empty, there is no more energy or “fuel” left for that relationship.
Yeah and since we were the only ones with gas money...😂
try nit being a taker like this cheating narcissist that is flipping the script and gaslighting
Then the 'takers' look for a new sucker.
@@snidecommenter7117 I love your screen name!
I appreciate that you said THAT relationship. There is still energy left for other relationships but it does take a minute to replenish the tank for yourself
A people pleaser shows someone how they want to be treated by example instead of words and demands.
OMG PERFECTLY STATED! ❤ Thank you for giving me the words to clearly define this in my life!!!
Yes!!! 🙌 beautifully said 💚
Beautifully put.
This was my approach for so long, and perhaps in my youthful ignorance I believed it would eventually work.
I truly believed if I was kind and thoughtful enough that surely I would attract the same in retern.
It was a tragic misjudgement on my behalf and it took more than half my life to even recognise and start to break the patterns I had taught my self and which I had been taught.
My mother would often joke I would befriend Jack the ripper if he smiled at me, and then I would try to save him from him self, she probably wasn't entirely wrong.
The younger me was a sweet, childishly innocent and clueless young person, with no judgement and an abundanceof loving hope. I feel quite bad for everything she experienced when I was her if that makes sense... but I am also very greatful to the younger me, her people pleasing was a journey and it brought me here, to a place where I am more aware, more realistic and more capable of looking after myself and seeing myself as the most important one that I need to look after.
I could not be me now with out her then.
I am not fully broken of my people pleasing but I am far better now, and growing every day.
Sorry for the long reply, your words spoke to my experience 😊
And yet people still fail us.
Communication. You have to use words because your partner may believe, "well this is what I deserve.” Without realizing that you want reciprocity. My ex just took me for granted, until boom, it reached even my limit, and out the door I went. I want to call it my new phrase to the internet, she had, “malignant entitlement."
And you'll never ever EVER get that trust and level of care back. Once it's gone, it's gone.
I disagree. This happened with me and my husband and he definitely earned the trust back. He went above and beyond to do so and what he did wasn’t normal by any stretch, but I appreciate it so much. ❤
Usually someone who loses our trust and respect is fundamentally unable to see what is fair reciprocity. They are entitled to everything and they owe nothing. Usually they are raised this way and also have the narcissist gene.
They fly under the radar because this way of thinking and being is impossible for a giver to understand by nature.
Well, you are definitely an anomaly. Good for you, but that is absolutely NOT the norm.
@@unnerving1081 yes, d general rule seems d scenario where d taker denies or partly apologizes, but never fully takes accountability. This is also because it takes a special kind of selfishness to just keep taking for years without giving much back. Such selfish ppl are so lost beyond hope that they lack d emotional bandwidth n introspection required to redeem themselves. But if there was someone who was able to redeem themselves, it wud mean they weren't so lost in d first place or that their life was shaken enough for them to be forced to introspect n change themselves. It's nice to know there are exceptions to d rule.
Totally agree, all or nothing. ride or die, it's sad because no one measures up to our level of love and care, it's lonely but it was also lonely with the heartless too
This is so true. And not only tangible things but intangible things like emotional abuse. My father was a giver, a provider for almost 40 years to my mother and she walked all over him and one day he just woke up and gave her everything (the cars, houses, etc) and he walked away with his peace and he’s never looked back. My mom has to live with this regret of losing the best thing that ever happened to her. It’s really a sad story but I’ve never seen my father happier.
Good for him. Love that.
That’s how I left my husband. I knew ahead of time. I started packing some clothes toiletries. When I left, I left. Left all the furniture behind. Didn’t care. Started my life over. It was a financial strain. But I was free from him and I was free to build my own life.
My cousin did the same! He left everything, even a good job at the hospital. He works now, driving delivery food in a huge truck 🚚 all over America. He is so happy now!
And THAT folks is how it's done!!!!
@@kathleendavis2008 👏
Well said
Givers be careful, know your limits, because takers have no limits.
Exactly too many takers out there and not enough givers. You give and give and then enough is enough
Whoo child.....say it to the people in the back❤
I hate takers. Takers suck. I will remember takers are bottomless pits. I need to take care of me and my cat. Most adults can take care of themselves. I sometimes forget that!
Great insight. And those takers lay a guilt trip on the givers.
@@user-wg6id1gn9g
Most of them do, that's why I said givers know your limits. Know when to be strong. Say I do what I can. Let them know that you have limits.
This is me.. Narcs are drawn to people pleasers because it takes a loooonnnggg time for us to stop tolerating the crap..
...and I wanted to *help* these guys and show them all the love. Ugh.
It sucks.
I think it's Sad that we tolerate their BS for so long.
It makes me realize the time wasted in my life. Lives is short .. We need to realize THAT & move on, make up for lost time. Life is a learning curve. Keep the faith and do positive affirmations.
@@DesertlizzyThe it IS sad.
@@antheredhen And vice versa, at least for me. If it gives me joy to give, then of course, I need to find someone to give it to, someone who needs what I have to give, AND who appreciates it!
As a reformed people pleaser, I have learned that the same joy I get from giving to others, I need to allow others to experience with me. So when I accept from others, I'm still giving in a sense.
yes!
Exactly!
Give the gift of appreciation!!!
Oh, this is very good. I've never thought of it this way, but it sound & feels right. I've got to try to incorporate your explanation into my daily psyche. I hope it helps me find a better balance. Thanks!
That's spot on. Giving can only be genuine and heartfelt once you learn to receive also. There's nothing wrong with giving more than you receive, but if you refuse to receive at all, then the giving is either an investment or a reflection of a lack of self worth.
Don't prevent someone else from feeling the joy of giving by refusing their gifts...
"When you showed me I was worth losing or that I wasn't enough... I believed you... so I left."
I give grace. Many ppl don't realize the first chance comes when I invite someone into my life. The second, third, fourth, etc are found in those attempts to communicate & set boundaries. When someone shows that effort is consistently not reciprocated? I see the same patterns? If I'm invalidated, dismissed one too many times? I'm out & I will blame myself for wasting time. Being used to emotional abandonment means I've become adept at walking away. Ppl always act shocked when they realize I'm truly not scared of losing ppl because I've been forced to go through it so many times.
I have even had them break stuff, took my water pipes apart etc etc etc to show me i needed them....wrong! The only one i need is GOD !! When we leave it is for good, you are 100% correct sir :)
Its not as bothersome when you leave earlier so you never run the risk of getting attached in the slightest, I hate that I have had these issues of being dismissed but at the very least its made me extremely keen on picking up bad behaviors from much early on so I cant complain too much on the experiences its taught a decent lesson.
@@justacoginthefkery yup same
This is one of the most intelligent comments I’ve ever read on any platform. I applaud you, my fellow human being
"When someone shows that effort is consistently not reciprocated" - Exactly - even when you tell them what you need, or what you would appreciate. Like stopping to see you when they drive through town on some other pleasure trip. "Not enough time" doesn't cut it as an excuse if they stop to see an aunt, but never you. Or if they drive all sorts of distances to eat out and see other people - but never you. If you care about someone, you make time. What you said about not being scared of losing people because you've been through it so many times....again, so very true.,
This has me crying. When that ship has sailed I don’t go back. I was breadcrumbed my whole life by a narcissistic parent and never ask for much. But when someone can’t even give me my bare minimum, my heart shuts down.
I hope your heart heals
@@fathima6539 thank you
Ditto
I don’t blame you! At that point they don’t deserve you.
Me too.😢
“They will take your breadcrumbs and see it as a whole loaf” OH MY GOSH!! That’s exactly how I am. I’m so used to never being genuinely seen, the moment a person is kind to me I feel amazed.
I see you 👀
Yup, that's me too. He described me perfectly!
Me too
yeah :/
its so true, we even get into people that treat us bad but politely.
Like she did'n insulted me, she just told me she don¿t want me to lose my time investing in her. for sure she'll love me if I try harder.
Nothing has ever resonated with me more in my entire life.
Wow! That's good!
Agreed!
Woa SAME. Blew me away.
Same
SAME
Woe to the giver that expresses a need to a narcissist.
People need to listen here! He's not putting down people pleasers. He is warning that no one should take advantage of someone who gives a lot because one day- they Will leave.
I left. Narcissist people it is always about them. Twisters big time. When I left him or fled he was in chocked. Within days he had someone else. Same type of supply. They go through so many until they find another people pleaser. I am single and haven't dated. Like my freedom:)
My first husband used to love to make me cry and then get angry at me because I did. I told him he better hope I don't stop crying because if I do, it will mean I don't care anymore. One day I stopped crying and he begged me to stay, but it was too late.
@@lmg4914 same here. I shut down completely and then left
This comment needs to be highlighted!
Thanks for explaining and highlighting this 🙏🙏
My ex husband told me every day for months what a disappointment I was and how much he hated me. One day that switch flipped, and I started gaining strength to leave with every insult. 8 years after I left, he pleaded to come back, and when I reminded him of the heartbreaking words he said, he brushed them off as just being angry. We never reconciled. What a waste of 13 years. The real gift was our son.
One thing I've learned is that nothing is ever wasted. You lived those 13 and either bad or good, you got something out of them. Examples; your son and probably many learning lessons about yourself, life, etc.
"You know I don't mean what I say when i'm angry." - I've heard this soo many times and asking him to apologise for what he said invalidates the apology,
So yeah, I hear you.
If it took him 8 years to come back after you left then...well
My ex used to say “don’t count on me” - when i finally learned to not count on him, I was free…
@@gail9566 the gift to my mind is the gift you gave your Son in your leaving…watching someone you love take that kind of abuse on some level is abuse too…
Very true. I now set limits.
I'm not a people' pleaser. I'm a giver because I enjoy sharing.
Givers leave huge voids behind for takers who spent years refusing to learn self-awareness and empathy. When the Universe allows a Giver to cross paths with another Giver, the abundance of love they create together is pure Magic🎉 I call it Unconditional Love, The Fountain that never runs dry.
These people are so easy to take advantage of. It gets to be expected, and any resistance is met with gaslighting. I've seen it so many times. This guy's insight is such a gift. It feels so good to be seen, understood, and matter.
Loser
And givers or people pleasers get so much victim blaming too! Like I'm sorry I'm a kind and giving person? If I love someone I want to support them, and yes I know I can neglect myself sometimes in turn, but that doesn't mean others get to take advantage of me.
And then you start to laugh at every gaslit remark and they become confused. They look at you like,” how DARE you not LET me manipulate you!”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yeah...one of those people here. But I learned to watch for red flags of narcissism before this channel...and his shorts have made it that much easier for me to understand that I'm approaching things correctly, and highlight more behaviors for me to be wary of - having grown up with a narcissist abuser, you almost get accustomed to that kind of behavior, and it can be hard to spot it at first...it's a sad norm for you, but once you learn the signs, and to be vigilant for them? None of the abusers stand a chance.
Ive been with these assholes all my life. Its crazy how every one of them are Narcs. Lov@christabelle__
Wow, so true....no more talking, shut off and walk away and never turning back
The problem is we don't know where the line is. Different people, different lines. But when that line is crossed, it's over. It does not mean I don't forgive them; it just means there will be no need of forgiveness in the future, b/c the person who crosses the line one too many times, will not be allowed to cross it again.
@@dltay4263 exactly. It's not that I'm angry. I've just lost all interest and desire to interact, and they would need to become a completely changed person for me to ever consider rekindling. Meanwhile, I literally just wanna move on peacefully with my life ✌️
💯
@dltay4263 Facts
Yep, be done with the BS, and never turn back. You will undoubtedly be reminded again why you chose to be done if you do turn back. Lessons Learned. 😎✌️
I almost burst into tears when you were done explaining. I have never in my life heard such a clear and true explanation of a part of me that's honestly confusing to understand myself. Thank you!
Agreed
Me too 🥺
Amen!❤
100%!!!
Me too
I’m a recovering people pleaser. I realized I am being dishonest when I people please. I wait for “my turn” and it does not come unless I speak up. Now I’m working on not abandoning myself. I think it’s true that takers put no limits on what they take.
I love how you put this… that a people pleaser has a high threshold for neglect. More true words have never been spoken about this! Well said!
You are so right. I was emotionally neglected as a kid so I became desensitised to neglect. That how I came to marry the first guy who asked me, even though I didn't love him.
@@1234carolynbDr Jay Reid has good videos about the Scapegoat child.
JazzyT.
@@user-jo9bt4gu5r
Yes!!! He’s Absolutely Wonderful & Right On!!
Thank you for helping me understand what's happening to me. After years of asking for marriage counseling and he finally says ok, I'm not interested in putting anymore work into it. I'm tired and done.
😢😢😢 me too 😢😢😢
Same happened to me, and then the marriage counselor seemed to be siding with him and I just couldn't anymore. I have been the happiest in years after I left him 8 months ago (after 29 years of marriage - 10 of which I wanted out).
I am sorry to read this... whats the reason that he suddenly agreed? Maybe he too arrived at a switch point.
Anyways i wish you the best!
Me too.
Same here. He finally agreed but I have to do all the work such as finding one that takes our insurance, make the appointment to fit both our schedules, childcare. If I want to do something together, I have come up with the idea and ask him. He’s okay with just staying home and doing nothing.
And a note to people pleasers: neglecting your needs doesn't please good people.
If someone cares about you, they have to pull double duty in communication by guessing what you need and guessing where your boundaries are. If someone doesn't, they have carte blanche to take whatever they want.
Thanks for the comment. Helped me.
I definitely agree that someone who loves me shouldn't be happy if I'm constantly sacrificing my needs to meet theirs. I can't speak for all people pleasers. I've absolutely struggled with voicing my needs in the past, but my partner has never had to "guess" or "be a mind reader" because, like he says, I'm happy with bread crumbs. I don't require much. I don't need help with much. Simply put, as long as you show me the bare minimum of respect, our relationship can easily work out. It's when you take advantage of my kindness for long periods of time that we have a problem; when you invalidate my concerns and disrespect me repeatedly, we have a problem.
@@ShelbiLyn953
A people pleaser should learn that it is actually not healthy to ignore their own feelings. So if you have a partner that cares for your health, this person has to guess at least twice as much what your needs are.
@soorian6493 -- Your comment is incredibly judgemental and places the onus of dysfunction on the caring person, labeling them as damaged. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
If someone cares about you they should be asking, not guessing.
This hit home very deeply over here. It's true in all relationships as well, the amount of "friends" that I simply stop caring about is high, for them was out of the blue but they neglected my feelings for so long that they wasn't even noticing anymore.
This makes so much sense. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a people pleaser. My friends used to say I was savage because I could go from an all in long term relationship where I was deeply in love to ending it - clean break, blocking their number, overnight. I give literally everything I have so when I make up my mind that I’m done, I’m really truly done.
Me to, like he said, a switch gets flipped.
Wow, this. When the deep and accepting love switch snaps off, never to switch on again. Then they spend the next few years horrified they'll never find love like mine again. And I feel nothing. Consistent kindness is everything.
I've never heard anyone mention the switch flip. It's not a metaphor; I can almost literally hear it. Once, I could almost feel it fall right out of my body.
We stretch ourselves beyond what we're really OK with, often even letting the people we're stretching for know that's what's going on. And you know what happens to a rubber band that is overstretched too often.
@MsDianagentaToYou yes, this is crazy like you feel the feelings for them literally washing off, leaving etc.
My Dad did this to my mother
Off like a light switch. You know your toxic right as a people pleaser. You have a failure to communicate and a lack of self regulated boundaries . You slowly build resentment towards someone for not being a mind reader and for not doing what you imagine they should be doing. That shit is crazy. God dammit learn to communicate. Learn boundaries.
I am a recovering people pleaser and this made me cry, my husband who really loves me has help me alot with it over the years. He has showed me that he is a safe place to share my feelings and that I don't have to bottle it up. That it is ok to have needs and wants. That the word no isn't a dirty word and that I'm allowed to set boundaries. He has helped me build up my confidence and helped me learn to stand up for myself. He love me for who I am and not my past people pleasing tendencies. Not for what I can do for him but what we can accomplish together. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my ride or die. God bless him.
Wow. I didn't realize I needed to hear this. I put up with a lot of crap from my partner over the course of eight years, and I finally called it quits this year because it essentially became like taking care of a child. I was working, doing all the housework, making all the meals, and taking care of our kids all throughout while they just slept and read all day. I kept making excuses for them like they were just depressed or going through a hard time, and I talked to them about it often. I asked for just the smallest little things, like changing our kid's diaper while I was working (I worked from home), and they would get mad at me for asking. So I stopped asking them for anything. Then I mentally checked out of the relationship about a year ago, but I didn't want to hurt them by telling them I wanted to be done. Then it finally came out around Christmas of last year. Great timing, right? But I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thank you for the video. This helped me understand myself a little more.
Very relatable! Hugs to you! 😊
When I began reading your comment I double checked to see if it was one that I wrote because I have the exact same story only mine went on for 22-year marriage and then after that eight more years with the same kind of relationships.
After healing and after researching and learning about narcissistic abuse I have healed and found a wonderful man who has been through some of the same situations that I have so I just want to encourage you that your person is out there.
Until then focus on those babies because that is the most important thing you'll ever do
I completely get you. Same!
How many of "them" there were? (Why not use a singular pronoun if you talk about a single person?)
Damn she fumbled the ball. You’re a good person that she will regret letting go
Not only for couples! But for the givers of family members, friends! I've stepped back from relatives who just take, take, take and never give! I'm done after 40 years of the BS!
I know my longtime friend cares about me but I’m hurt, feeling like I’m a backup option to her bf/baby daddy (who sucks). I’ve lent her money 11 years ago, never bothered her about it cause I’m comfortable financially and she’s not, I’ve treated her to nice gifts, concerts- because I want to treat a friend. But I’m just feeling abandoned and she gave me a pretty thoughtless birthday gift recently (like random kids stickers and gummies from her work- I don’t eat gelatin gummies she knows that) recently and it set me off. It’s not even the money it’s just feeling I put more thought into things and I’m just sad 😞 I feel so alone right now. I wish I’d worked on building other relationships but I seem to attract users and with my trauma history (and I suspect maybe I’m mildly autistic) it’s just hard for me.
@@milliem8051It's hard for most people especially the older you get. For awhile I decided I shouldn't just walk away without telling the person why and giving them a chance. This was very hard for me but I felt it was fair. Sometimes it worked and the person became more thoughtful. Mostly they just denied. But both ways I found out who I was important to and who I wasn't.
You've been a good friend for a long time, sounds like. So tell her you feel she doesn't value your friendship anymore, and tell her thanks and good wishes for the future. Send her a card if you want. See how she responds.
I... didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. I'm absolutely the giver, and he's right. Once I checked out.. I was gone. I didn't even care when his attention went somewhere else. Not mad, not sad, or betrayed. Just nothing.
@SilverLaBelle Same here, I ended up telling my husband at the time that I just don't care anymore about his love affairs but I did ask him not to bring it around the kids and that he better use protection and not give me a std.
When giving goes from making you feel refreshed, & appreciated, every time you give, to feeling exhausted and bitter, it's all over.
Ohh it can even be worse ... Accused of every act you did was out of selfish-ness and ONLY doing anything to be controlling.
@lorireed8046 You are exactly right! I'm coming out of a year long relationship with a man who took so much from me. I gave of myself, time, attention, emotional and financial support, and now I've been called money hungry, selfish, controlling, and some very, very, awful names. This man became mentally abusive towards me. I feel like a shell of myself. I feel like he drained all the goodness from me. I took all the abuse I could for months and one day it hit me like a ton of brick and I realized he was an abusive taker and I knew he would never change. No matter what I did for him it was never enough. I then knew he would never change. I left most of my worldly possessions and I grabbed my little 14 year old dog and a hastily packed overnight bag, and left. I didn't look in the rear view mirror when I left. I went to a friend's house and told them I had left him. They said it was about time. They had seen the abuse and they told me I wasn't the first woman he had done this to. I think the bad ones can spot a true giver a mile away. I'm going to take my time, heal from this and find myself a place of my own and regain my joy for life.
@@lorireed8046 It sounds like, time to sit back and observe, listen to your partner. In a relaxed, non critical way.
@@billpetersen298 LoL Out here giving advice like you know people on here personally? How toxic are you billpetersen type toxic? Damn. It's just a warning and does get worse . MOST doesn't even come from a S.O. but from siblings, children or even your neighbors.
@@lorireed8046 I hope you find love and peace. Those other people, will change in response.
Great message. Unfortunately, the people who need to hear this most are the ones who will ignore it.
That was us wasn't it? A few years back at least.
So true. Or won't even listen to this.
Do those people not have a chance to grown. Yes some may never but we all have the right to not be right or have it all figured out at any point in our life. Just try not to be so harsh on others for not knowing.
Who do you think needs to hear it? Do you not recognize people pleasing is a trauma response? Or are you making the assumption that people pleasing is healthy?
Actually both sides need to hear it. This is also about us being aware what we set our relationships up for, when we allow trampling of boundaries and bleeding out of resources instead of stepping up our boundary skills and self-worth! We're right here. Saying it indirectly doesn't mean you shouldn't listen. It being about us is just a way to ease us into that truth!
I also think, however, that it’s important to not be a people pleaser. That isn’t some sainted trait. It is also dysfunctional in its own way.
you're not a giver, are you? great advice from a taker, i will admit
May as well tell people not to be funny.
I think I understand what you are trying to say, but you are slightly misguided in your understanding of true givers.
Yes, it CAN be a dysfunction if it is coupled with or caused by trauma.
However, there are TRUE givers out there in the world who only give because their hearts are full of love and it makes them happy.
Does that make sense?
The man in the video was talking about TRUE givers, not those who give everything out of desperation and a dyer need to be loved, at all costs
So true….💔…..not only in marriage, but it happens in friendships….you’re everybody’s friend, cheerleader, confidant, until you have a need, just to talk about a problem that has come up, and try as you might, your friends always make it about themselves………so I shut down after years of being a friend to them, and I stopped bothering, started taking care of myself…..it hurt at first to find out I was their friend, but they weren’t mine. I have peace now, and I moved to the south, people are so sweet here I almost can’t believe the kindness I receive here , it’s lovely✨
I'm right there with you.
I THOUGHT I had friends. I found out they were not there for me. I lost my friend-circle nearly 13 years ago.
Trying to make new friend connections, now, takes more work, effort, and energy than my disabled body has. I have simply accept that I have acquaintances scattered about, and I stuff the need for friends and confidants. Work (elementary teacher) and church have not provided replacements. So I just bury myself in books, movies, and RUclips.
I’m a giver, not a people pleaser. There’s a difference. My people reciprocate, even if they don’t I still do it from the ❤not for things in return. With that said, I don’t let people walk all over me. I’ll speak up and say something.
Don’t be scared to lose people. They should be scared of losing a pure heart ❤️
Families, too. 🥲
Yes yea yes. I have a friend who has your experience. So sad.
Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes.
Am I the only person whose threshold for being just done with people who take advantage of me got lower and lower over time until it's actually below my desire to give? Where trust has been broken and abused so many times that you can't find the strength to trust anyone else? Am I the only one?
Agree 100%. When you no longer feel safe to communicate with the person you need communicate with, there can sometimes be a vicious cycle of " I have a need. I want to communicate that need. I feel I cannot bring up that need safely, but I will do my best and if there should be any conflict, I can take it upon myself to fix that as well, because I don't want to not put in the work..." and then comes further disrespect of boundaries, not feeling like you can bring that up etc...
Well said! Ironically, he was the one feeling like he wasn’t being heard. I wasn’t validating his feelings either even though I was the one that needed the validation more. Now that I realize how controlling and invalidating I’ve been, thanks to these videos, I’m finally learning to validate his feelings, but he’s already decided that I don’t know how and he’s not able to hear when I do. We both have to change the narrative we hold for each other, and it is not easy. Even with a Therapist, we are struggling, but neither one of us are giving up on it. These comments in this video, give me strength to keep trying🙏🏻🙏🏻✨
@@inspired2rv661 I think you’re right in the sense that you should change the narrative you hold for each other, that’s good insight! It shows you see that it takes two to put in the work. Something we’ve found very useful is to remember that no matter what, it’s important to keep communication open ended. To keep the goal of connection there as opposed to CORrection. While some correction may be there, its connection that we strive for more than anything.
I married a sweetheart of a giver. Not being as natural of a nurturer myself, it often occurs to me that I must intentionally find ways to show him how much I care that convey the feeling _to him._
Never want to take him for granted or make him feel that way.
This has always been me. I’ve been betrayed and taken advantage of by almost everyone in my life, 100% by those closest to me and who supposedly loved me. On top of a lot of physical/mental/emotional abuse, it’s been the hardest thing to not completely shut down and run away and live life as a hermit recluse in the woods or something. My son is the only good person in my life. He’s keeping me holding on.
I feel the same, I’m glad you have your son. I feel very alone. With my longtime friend, I’m questioning things right now. I know she cares about me but things feel too one sided I feel I’ve given too much and I’m hurting. I feel incapable of healthy relationships, like I should try to put myself out there but I don’t have it in me. I think I learned to be a people pleaser as a trauma response to keep the peace, I grew up in an abusive home first 6 years of my life.
As a recovering people pleaser, what's helping me is calling my people pleasing manipulative. Because in many ways it is, regardless of the reasons WHY I developed this habit. I am manipulating people by denying my needs and I won't be manipulative anymore. My boundaries and needs matter. And I am trying to speak up for myself more because of this.
Yeah this. There’s an important difference between being a giver and being a people pleaser. Being a giver comes from a good place, it’s about enjoying giving, it’s a form of love language, but it doesn’t interfere with one’s boundaries. Being a people pleaser comes from a place of trauma, it’s harmful for everyone involved, it’s not about enjoying the giving, but about having learned that as a survival strategy.
How is it manipulative?(genuine question)
You just treat others how you want to be treated
Yeah I think oftentimes there is a failure to recognize how manipulative it can be. I dated a self-described people pleaser for a while, and every time I tried to talk to him about any issue, he'd tell whatever "truth" he thought I wanted to hear. It was immensely painful and I felt like I was going increasingly insane because nothing seemed to be adding up, yet I knew that there was no way that there was any malicious intent involved.
Towards the end any attempts to set the record straight led to him shutting me down by calling me creepy for remembering what he'd said in the past, or telling me that I was pressuring him. So I did my best to shut up and accomodate him. In his journey to be better at "self care" he didn't adress the core fuckin issue of his incessant lying to avoid conflict, and developed fun new strats like making me feel deeply ashamed for not knowing what to do.
@@Roman_zBP By neglecting your own needs and not saying what you want/need, you put pressure on the other person to read your mind to know how to treat you well. And if that´s how you want to be treated then you want people to neglect their own needs in order to please you.
I don´t like the word "manipulative" for reasons so please don´t get stuck on that word. But what I wrote is my honest criticism of people pleasing behavior.
@@Roman_zBPit is an attempt to control others reactions and emotions
I was a people pleaser for most of my life. When I matured, I stopped and it was so freeing. People pleasers attract the worst kind of human: narcissists.
You’re so fortunate to have broken free from that pattern. I’ve been trying for years and I’ve succeeded with all my relationships except for my husband. Please share how you broke free from that pattern? I realize it’s different for everyone, but your comment gives me hope.
How do you break free from being a people pleaser without losing the desire to love on and serve others?
@@ChristyBagasaoI guess knowing who deserves it? Having firm boundaries. Not doing anything for someone just because you can. Don't give more than asked. Don't give more than your energy is telling to. And don't tie your self worth to what you're doing for someone. You can't force someone to love you by doing everything they want. If they love you healthily, you should be able to say no ❤
That's what I've been learning about this so far. Also pouring my love to art, myself, studying, my kid, plants, my house, never a guy, unless he treats me equally nice
@@ChristyBagasao I think learning to recognize why you are wanting to please people is also really helpful. Are you doing it because it brings you joy? That's healthy as long as it's not being taken advantage of. Are you doing it because you want someone to like you and you're afraid they won't otherwise? That's unhealthy and could be considered manipulation too. Basically are you trying to buy people with your love or are you doing it because it makes you feel good?
@@purrrrrrrpleYess got it!!
My husband took everything I had to give. After 4 decades my body shut down and he walked. Thank God. I wasn't strong enough to leave.
that sounds horrid
i'm so sorry that you had to go through something like that for 4 decades, that's an unimaginable amount of pain..
As a people pleaser, I've discovered the double edged sword. If you are good at many things and show love through deeds, your partner will be overpowered and feel like they have very little to contribute to the relationship. Give them the opportunity to add value before it's too late.
This made me cry. I was in this relationship as a giver for years and when I finally flipped that switch, I felt ashamed for realizing I had no more left to give. My wounds felt like proof of my own failing, instead of the failings of the other. There is a lot of suffering between the "kept taking the hits" phase, and the "I deserve better" phase.
Don't feel guilty, every plant produces air for others throughout its life but every plant also needs some water in return to keep giving that air.
Similar story for me. I gave and gave within a relationship. When I could give no more and considered leaving, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I felt I had no choice except to stay and care for him. When he passed I felt a sense of relief and then guilty for not being sadder. I realize now that I should have spoken up and asked for more equality the first year, rather than enduring years, until I hit a saturation point.
Yep. As my ex-husband and my oldest daughter found out. Take, take, take. Until I said, "I'm done." I wasn't a total people pleaser but I am an empath. I don't advise really, really pissing off an empath. They will be with you through everything until you lose their respect and trust. Then they will step right over you and move on in a blink and they won't look back.
This. Once the trust is gone, there's no recovering it, so when they softly tell you their concerns you better listen.
I literally just ended an 18 year relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life for this exact reason. Her mother suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my ex was diagnosed three years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was not until I heard the quote "Givers have to set limits because takers never will" that I finally started setting boundaries and pushing for the respect I deserve. It was at this point when I realized how little love and respect my partner had for me, so I ended the relationship putting my needs first. It was the best thing I ever did and I am truly happy for the first time in years. Know your value and don't allow others to feed off of your kindness.
this is hell...i am talking from experience
I'm 44 and still learning how to set boundaries. I truly enjoy helping the people I love, but sometimes I'm just so tired, and I don't know how to say no I need to take care of me today.
Are you saying that they are guilty of having a mental disorder? Who would also explain their behaviour? This is such a wrong example!! at the end of the day being happy is the most important thing. Just, I wouldn’t blame others in this situation
Ummm I have BPD and am extremely giving to a fault…sooo 😐 dont think it’s fair for you to insinuate that all of us are selfish
@@amandareed4689as someone who also has bpd, I am the same way. However my mother who also has it on the other hand is the opposite or will make you feel guilty later on for the things she gives you. So it all really depends on the person in what ways their bpd manifests since it’s a complex disorder. I don’t think this comment was exactly insinuating that everyone with bpd is selfish but I do think that parts of the disorder do make you selfish without realizing so it’s important to be self aware abt it in order to improve
O my gosh!! This is so true. I used to be a huge giver, and serve others, I’m getting back to it now, but the reason I stopped giving for years is because no one appreciated it, I was called weak, or told To do more. There are people I will never give to again.
This is so true. After 50 years, i am finally developing the capacity to have healthy boundaries, and the people who use to take take take my niceness were quick to accuse and misjudge and name call when they couldnt exploit me anymore.
Yah and sadly it's been 2 out of 3 kids
I divorced my husband by 2005
They ( ppl) mistake your kindness for weakness.
@@jackiepowell7513 Yes!! Due to being so kind, they think I am naive and it has always drove me crazy!! Although I take comfort in the fact that I know I am not at all. If I was as naive as everyone thinks I am, I would have been dead long ago!
Thank you for sharing this, I'm happy you got to that point. I'm 35 now and I'm trying to push through in developing my boundaries. This motivates me today to keep on going
This sounds like my typical relationships and some friendships. Once I have had enough, I can just switch off, and I feel so liberated and happy once I cut them off. Once I'm done, I'm done.
There will always be those who will take advantage and very few who appreciate your giving heart and kindness
Yeah. In a way it upsets me that deep down Jimmy is right. I can see the parallels in my own personal relationships. Spending time with that person and committing energy to them is so draining.
As a giver I had to learn to ask for what I needed, if it falls on deaf ears, game over. He is so dead on. ❤
I need this on a T-shirt as a constant reminder.😢
@@SylviaSolis-ue3cw wish I had your strength. I was stupid to try harder and it still fell on deaf ears.
Exactly right. When a women gets quiet, it means so much more than you can ever imagine.. she's had enough and no more going back!!
I'm exactly that description of a people's pleaser. I like that you added that that's what we love to do, most people portray this as people who want to get something out of it, or that do it out of insecurities or stuff like that... But I genuinely get joy out of helping others, even if it's sometimes at my expense.
Just wanted to write that ❤
This resonates❤
🙌😊
Remember he is only doing this video from the perspective of someone who thinks it’s okay to cheat on their partner at one point and has no professional expertise. He is just setting up his next spring board to cheat on his wife
@@ofallnames how tf did you get to that conclusion
@@lizardltd ❤️❤️❤️ thank you for this. I feel the same way. But when I'm done, I'm colder than Antarctica. I'm checked out. I have nothing else to give.
My experience dating people pleasers is the contrary, they get so happy and overwhelmed with all the love and affection and attention and I'm like "omg, I'm giving you the bare minimum, get your standards higher king".
I just have to be careful to never pressure them, because I know they have a hard time saying no and knowing what they really want, so it takes time to learn they body language and kinda "read their minds" to know what they like and what they do just to please you. And be a mirror for their actions and teach them life will not end if they say no or disappoint you one time, you can just do a different fun thing.
That’s exactly what he is saying. You have to be careful not to take them for granted Give them more than the bare minimum
that's so pathetic, you see it and still don't give them what they deserve? you are the problem
@@ivor000 did you read at all?
It’s sad that I’ve just discovered that my need to see others do well and be happy took over my life to the point that it is unhealthy. I’ve realized the people I’ve surrounded myself with are takers leaving a huge void in my needs. I even felt guilty just now writing “my needs.”
Not sure how to create a more balanced life.. but these videos have inspired me to respect the fact that I’ve set little to no expectations for others to give to me in my life. I’d like to try, being cared for and openly loved sounds nice.
I'm an extreme people pleaser, but since going to college. I've learned a lot from friends and my classes (I'm studying to be a social worker), and realized I can't put others above myself so much all the time. I'm still a huge people pleaser, but I've started to push back a little bit on when people are derogatory or negative to me. It's honestly been really hard, because now I'm genuinely reacting to jokes my family makes all the time that really bother me, and constantly being told "You used to be able to take a joke". I love them so much, but it really hurts to be told I'm being too sensitive now, and that I shouldn't react the same way they do when they're teased about things that they're sensitive or insecure about.
Straight up truth. When Threshold reached, new life is planned. The neglected will then be the neglector and that person will be asking why while that caring individual is on their way out.
Yep just listen to my footsteps while I'm walking out the door - slam!😊
This resonates deeply with me. You've clarified the people pleaser and those who do more for others on a daily basis. But when the tank is empty, you're absolutely right. The switch is flipped and there's nothing left for that person anymore. That's when you're finally able to walk away, even if you're an anxious person. There's just nothing left to give. People will suck your soul right out of you if you let them.
That last sentence would make a great song! 😂
Yes I'm 😟 anxious attached I'm done Tank is empty I can even walk I'm so empty
This is so friggen true. Be careful if you are a selfish person who constantly takes, because its a two way street and takers just do not give a crap, and then one day you've just taken too much and nothing is left.
I was that people pleaser.... and it's amazing how many people are incredibly upset and mortified when you no longer associate with them.. because they gave you nothing anyway and you have nothing to be sad about.. there is really no "loss" but because they're so used to you giving for so long, they feel an incredible emptiness when you're gone😊
is that really true? i feel that for us we missed them but we in a better place, but for them it doesn't matter - i never mattered...
I bet you have only a couple of real friends. It took me years to figure out I was being used.
@MiguelGarcia-fn1er yes! I only have a very small group of people I really hold dear. Others are acquaintances. I was never being used, but I was doing way too much to make sure everyone around me was doing okay at the cost of my own financial, mental, and physical well-being. When I stop associating with them, they are usually very sad and upset about it.. and my close friend told me it was because I gave them too much, and now they have a giant empty hole, whereas they never gave anything, so there is no empty hole for me. It resonated with me..
@@beestar that could be true, also. As long as you're with people who don't expect all these things from you while they do nothing for you and as long as you're safe and happy, that's really all that matters.
@@SAIVSS May God bless you always
I know one of these. They have trouble with standing up for themselves. They even neglect themselves by thinking for you. So we're working on them showing their own desires, wishes and needs, without the filter of what's good for the other.
Suggest having them subscribe to this channel...a wealth of information for them 🙂
@@amilani5768 I show them videos regularly. But watching shorts isn't their preferred method of relaxing. Thanks for the tip though! 🥰
Jimmy doesn’t just do shorts, check out his actual channel and you will see he does regular long videos as well.
@@realestatehelps I know. Maybe phrased it weird. But they are more a Facebook scroll person than a RUclips person.
"They even neglect themselves by thinking for you."
“… a switch gets flipped and trust is gone.” Made me think of many past, toxic relationships - family, partners, colleagues, friends - and the various turning points that began the relationship’s end.
Thank you for shining a spotlight on this dynamic.
It's the expectation of reciprocation and a lack of clear communication of their own needs. I can't deal with someone like that, you never know what's expected of you.
The bare minimum requirements for people is to be nice. We dont expect you to reciprocate every actions that we give. We just want you to be nice to us.
@@stefanklass6763 that’s not entirely true . I was clear about what I needed out of friendships and relationships and it fell on deaf ears. It’s ironic because once i felt I wasn’t getting what I needed out of the relationship I fell back and didn’t do all the legwork. I either got judged for not doing “my part” or the person would crawl back to me and suddenly be more interested. But I do agree some people don’t communicate about what they want in a relationship. There’s a saying I learned. Stop overplaying yourself role . Deal with people how they deal with you. Hardly, barely and accordingly. Once I did that I became so much at peace.
Fellow givers: please do not give all without asking for what you need to replenish. It is so easy to think it's obvious what you need in return bc that is what comes naturally to us. Just communicate when you're feeling unrequited. Ppl who are worth it will listen.
The problem with putting everyone else first is that you teach them that you come last. ❤
Only the selfish toxic narcissistic ones. In a way people pleasing is a surefire way to uncover takers and abusers. The trick is becoming aware of this and learning how to break the chain.
@@roberttruman8444it's not easy to undo it all, there are still takers that abuse it , yep happening at work to me and I fighting it whit all my power
Except that this is the inverse of what it actually means: It's called "The Golden Rule (treating others the way that you want to be treated)"--Why does no one seem to grasp that?!
@@bobinaleigh still if you are a giver at the end of the day we have limits to and it is ok to say no
@@bobinaleigh Actually that has always made perfect sense to me. If you have an unhealthy or unnatural perception of yourself and others then this might not be the philosophy for you. But it's the most logical motivation for behaviour I can think of. I often get drawn into debates about respect, giving it and receiving it, by saying "People who respect themselves, respect others". I don't even have to argue it, it's just true. Look at the way anyone shows respect or disrespect to others, and you will always be able to find that cannot disrespect anyone more than they can disrespect themselves. Their displays are as much a self reflection as they are a criticism of others, sometimes more!
As a people pleaser.. this resonates deep. I would walk away after enough neglect, but then feel guilty like I'm being cold and heartless. Obviously, that's not the case, but the takers will definitely make you feel that way
I hope you read this. I sent this to my husband. He treats me so much better after watching this. You make a difference. Thank you!!!
I’M GUILTY OF BEING PEOPLE PLEASER & GIVER… BUT NOW I’M VIGILANT.
@@4GiftedHands GOOD 👍
Yes I flipped, now not giving a lot to anyone, just here and there, and stop myself when I feel I am.being taken advantage of.
@rsamom Yes, I am single now, and ironically some people think it is because I do not care about love, but it is because I am tired of mistreatment. When I was a naive teenager, I pictured myself married with kids and a camper, a dog and a cat. I have the dog, but no husband or kids.
This is literally me 😭
@@rsamom same
As someone who resonates with this… thank you for not pathologizing or making me wrong for giving a tremendous amount of love. I feel validated by your words. The fact that I just saw this video feels like an omen from god, telling me, “you are seen and there are people out there who will advocate for you and back you the way you have always done for others.” I feel like a bottomless well of nurturing care. When I love somebody I cannot help but pour pour pour that love into them. It is healing and gratifying for me even if it’s not 100% reciprocated. Of course I long for reciprocity but I am happy regardless. I lose nothing but gain so much being able to care for others. The reward is their comfort, peace, happiness, ease. I have always been this way. And there are so many narratives out there that have made me doubt and be ashamed of being how I am, instead of loving me and trying to protect me. So this just means so much. And yes, a little has always gone a long way with me.
I get what you're saying about people-pleasing. It can sometimes feel like there's an underlying need for validation, which might come across as a bit needy or insincere. Personally, I believe in helping others because it's the right thing to do, not because I'm looking for recognition. I even prefer to stay anonymous when I can, just to keep the focus on the act itself rather than any acknowledgment. Everyone's different, though, and I guess some people just seek that validation as part of their own journey.
@@truthseeker2248 I feel the same 1000%!
Learn boundaries... People pleasing is an unhealthy coping mechanism
life long people pleaser, only in the past years have i started being firm with boundaries and advocating for myself. About a year ago i met the absolute love of my life, i would genuinely do anything for him. I will stop at nothing to make him smile, and the thing he genuinely wants the most is for me to take care of myself. I’ve felt that neglect switch be flipped many times in relationships/friendships, but it’s almost overwhelming how loved this man makes me feel.
I'm so happy for you❤
Very, very well put and said! You've explained me in my past relationships in a nutshell. Now, enjoying the single life with total peace of mind! 💯
This guy is why I'm that one person in the friend group with amazing dating advice, despite complete lack of experience. Thanks.
OMG SAME 😂
Not just in marriage- friendships also.
I've dropped several friends over the years who have taken me for granted.
The shock they display is always the same but I never return- push me too far and you deserve everything you get.
I am learning to be more cautious and less of a people pleaser. I'm very self sufficient and resilient so there is no need for me to make even the minimum effort let alone bend over backwards like I had the tendency to do.
It takes work to find the correct balance and I still fall into the trap of over giving.
The last taker I dropped exploded with rage 😂 I laugh about it now but hope she has learned her lesson.
Same! All the friends I used to have when I was in my teens and twenties are now gone, either because I cut them off or because I started saying no in words and deeds and they didn't like that.
I'm in my 30s now and the people I associate now actually communicate with me and we like being around each other while also giving each other space. I never ask why we haven't talked in two or three weeks and vice versa, because the relationship doesn't change. They never really take, but we mutually give - our time, our energy, our interest in one another. It's so relieving.
It is nice to be seen. Yes, I agree with this description, completely. When I am done, there is no going back. You already had all your chances.
I needed to hear this. I'm trembling on the threshold of leaving a neglectful emotionally abusive marriage of 40 years. I've been looking for a place to live for the past 6 weeks but it's not going fast enough. My anger has started to cool and I was starting to wonder if I would just cave and stay as usual because it's easier but after hearing this I remembered why I have to go. The line in the sand was crossed and I respect myself more than continuing this way. ❤
THIS IS CORRECT. and narcissists know this. They prey on people pleasers and use them up. I reached my limit exactly 2 years ago today when I found out that “Michael” in his phone was actually “Marie. I blew and blew big…high and to the right”
I AM SO HAPPY I AM NOT WITH HIM TODAY. what a loser.
As one of these people, I will add what I learned from therapy. When as a child no one cares about your needs, you eventually stop even voicing what you want or what you need, why would you keep trying to be met with rejection. The thing is in a relationship, you have to voice your needs and wants, you have to have a voice, your partner is not a mind reader. You have give them a chance first. Hard thing to learn.
Thanks for typing this out. Gotta treat that inner child with love and tenderness for the old associations it's hanging on to. Learning this and hoping to become more communicative about my needs.
Problem is I don't know what my wants or needs are anymore
OMG!!😱😱😱 Called out. Nailed. No one has EVER identified my whole bleeding dynamic! Or even considered it. Everyone has always told me I am too giving, too tolerant, too accepting of others' hurt or neglect -- except when it comes to them!
I can't believe you have identified this. How do YOU know this??
You deserve the same consideration and respect that you give out to others :)
@@JimmyonRelationships I wouldn't know how to act. I writhe when someone just tries to compliment me.🤯
@@grovermartin6874The person who keeps pouring endlessly into others becomes empty. People pleasers need to learn to pour into themselves first and take care of themselves. People pleasing is an unhealthy coping mechanism. Learn to love, value and respect yourself.
@@meera2531 That may be true for some people, but not for all. I feel full and fulfilled by giving and sharing, as long as it flows naturally. But don't try to take from me! I am filled by giving, not by being taken from. Then I fight.
@@meera2531 You misunderstand. That is NOT people pleasing. That is fulfilling MY love, not someone else's desire.
this is so so so very accurate. as people pleasers, we have lived in the love desert all our lives. as a result, we do whatever is necessary to see that smile, feel that love.. we will do somersaults for you. we enjoy your joy, we enjoy our ability to BE happy and the tolerance for nonsense is unreal, but, you keep going so so far in that no appreciation, disrespectful direction, until you run out of road. now you understand what I'm done means. no turning back. we're done and I am good.
This is so dangerously spot on! Thank you so much for validating how I feel about my marriage.
A beautiful flower can only thrive when it’s not growing in toxic soil!
I so needed to hear this as I have now totally shut down in my marriage of 30 years, staying because he is a good person but just doesn't see me, and I have nowhere to go.
Sorry to hear that, well do things that make you happy. Go out & get a hobby, learn something. Don't be in that house when he comes home. Cuz you have things to do. Then he'll wonder where you are & maybe "see" you cuz your not there . Don't stay there waiting for him, go & do things that interest you. Well I know what your going thru, left after 20 yrs. & had enough not being seen. And not even being last on his list- I wasn't even on his list. Take care
Each and every word he spoke resonated with me. 😔😔
I'm a giver. And I am proud of who I am. I believe God will prepare someone who will validate and appreciate me.
Yes he will!!!!
Appreciate yes but pls don't need someone to validate you.Know in your heart you are a good person worthy of good things❤
Ouch, settling yourself up for pain, and disappointment.
You sound wide open, for a professional charmer and taker.
Me too & sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me…
Indeed and agreed!
Thank you Sir. This is so...🎯 It's heartwarming being understood, and heartbreaking hearing someone know how you feel inside.
That’s exactly how it happens. My feelings will shut off like a light switch and there’s no going back
Where did you dig this information up and HOW have I been here 60 years without this revelation into half of my troubles with relationships. It is just sad but so grateful that you have put it out there for us who suffer this lack of insight.
I listen to this over and over again. I am a giver/caretaker. Everything is fine until I am seen as a person. Everything is fine until I need anything for myself.
Holy sh*t. You worded it out perfectly. I'm currently in this exact situation. 7 years of relationship, and after few fights recently the "switch" flipped for me. Years of giving and years of not receiving the same affection back. Years of bending my own boundaries for benefit of my partner. Just recently i have started to regain ALL of the poorly negotiated boundaries back and setting my own, causing even more conflicts.
I haven't still made the final decision, as i am pondering whether i am delusional and arrogant for asking more, or is my inner voice correct, because currently i am anxious just for her being in the same room as i am. I have became stone cold, emotionally, to her.
What makes it hard is the fact that there has been good times also, times when she was there for me in her own way. But i think i just need more, and i'm not wrong for demanding it. At this point she could give me everything i have asked for all these years, and i still would be bitter to her.
Thank you Jimmy for articulating this so well. You have given me clarity on my behavioural pattern.
So true. I was a People Pleaser. These folks will drain you.
@@cassondrad2280 Wild that you think so little of them to never bother saying anything and putting effort into boundaries. You lie constantly and make people think you’re ok with things you aren’t, allow them to make you feel taken advantage of while saying it’s fine, put absolutely 0 effort into working through conflicts and rob others of resolution, and remove the onus of responsibility for knowing what you are ok with onto others but SECRETLY. Then ultimately you end up hating them and discarding them. Because you don’t care about other people at all and are super selfish and lazy and manipulative.
You’re literally still blaming them for everything you yourself CHOSE to do and told them was fine. That’s on you. You drained you. It’s such an immature outlook.
Where was this message 7 years ago when i needed it!!😢
Man speaking truth, folks! PAY ATTENTION!! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
So important to pour back into that person in return. Most who are takers do t even realize the gift they have been given in someone who pours into them.
The person who keeps pouring endlessly into others becomes empty. People pleasers need to learn to pour into themselves first and take care of themselves. People pleasing is an unhealthy coping mechanism.
And its a huge shock when they FINALLY understand that every emotion you ever truly & deeply felt for them or entrusted them with was either totally taken for granted , willingly ignored or used against you and there is nothing they can do to repair the damage, get that trust or bond back again and now if there is any connection/communication between you it comes from a cold, transactional and purely necessary reason, they all of a sudden SEE THE LOVE AND DEDICATION and will totally change🙄 To have someone that would willingly die to see you happy, be slowly eaten away at, ignored and passed over until their spirit is broken and then wonder why they have turned distant and apathetic towards the very person that chose to willfully ignore or be completely ungrateful for all that sincerity and love is unbelievably painful and uncomfortable.
raised in dysfunctional " christian" home, taught to be a Pez dispenser, no healthy boundaries. This is so true...
😂 PEZ DISPENSER 😆😕
It's not Jesus's fault nor is it God's, please remember that
@@Nerine98 I know its not Gods fault, just need prayer, I need to learn healthy boundaries in church.
@@sh6460 of course, church itself is also sometimes misleading
I recommend you the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I Can relate to your comment, I was raised by christian parents who taught me to be a people pleaser.
Giving and people pleasing are two very different things, the might be similar but the root intention is different, people pleasers are manipulating you to get something they want in return for their generosity and they have a low threshold like you said, and they get hurt a lot in the process but it's not fair even for them.
while givers do not expect something in return, but they won't tolerate a relationship that is not balanced, they will give without expecting anything in return but they will leave when they feel abandoned and they talked about it to their partners and didn't get any positive results.
I am a recovering people pleaser and I'm saying this out of love.
Thanks Jimmy
Thank you, I had to scroll a lot to find this comment! I had the feeling from the video that he equates people pleasing with giving and somehow presents the former as something good, but it's really unhealthy.
Also, my experience is that it can continue forever in a relationship dynamic, I've seen that with my parents. Nobody talks about this but when you were raised seeing your mother being a people pleaser her whole life, it take tremendous work to be able to have a healthy relationship, and I'm still not there.
@@andreac647
I feel honored that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me, im glad you find my comment relevant, and i wish you the smoothest and most loving journey towards healing ❤️
You are spot on
This hit so hard. I've come to realise I'm a people pleaser and I'm actually in the process of ending a 10 year relationship because like you said....I've just realised I deserve more than the bare minimum.
You are spot on! I give and make excuses for bad behaviour for years…until I am done. When that happens I am done, and no amount of pleading works. I realize I was complicit in over giving, so that is why I am done with relationships…I don’t have boundaries, so I am done finally.
This hit me hard. I will pour myself out for others, with a smile on my face, until I have nothing left. I've quite literally made myself ill doing it. Until I am so hurt and lonely, that I just turn off. I have actually withdrawn so much that I've become a bit of a recluse.
Real questions. How do you find someone who will reciprocate, so I don't end up feeling so abandoned that I don't trust anymore? And how do you trust enough to let someone into your life again? And how do you stop yourself from giving so much that you have nothing left?
You tell yourself never again. You stop looking for someone to fill a part of you that feels like is missing, and instead you work on yourself and living a beautiful life alone, any way you can.
Then you become the person who repels these vampires instead of attracting them 😊
Same thing pretty much to a T has happened to me in the last two years.
@@IndiBex86 I'm sorry. I wish I had some helpful advice, butI'm going on 5+ years. The only people I see, other than my son, are my doctors and their staff, and the waiters when we go to a restaurant after my doctor's appointments. I don't work, so I don't even have those interactions. About the most conversation I have, other than my son, is comments sections on RUclips videos and lost delivery drivers. 🥴
The worst part, for me, is that when I broke, and couldn't do it anymore, when I was getting 4 hours sleep, and running all over the place, giving ungrateful people rides to and from work, helping people financially to my own loss, starting my day at 6am, ending my day at 1am or later, taking naps in my car because I was so exhausted, sewing Halloween costumes for them by hand, and babysitting a toddler for free, all the people I had been breaking my back for, disappeared. I realized they weren't friends (stupid me thought we were family), I was a convenience. I made their lives easier. And I misunderstood their reliance on me, and them trusting me to help them as affection. That we shared meaningless conversation as friendship. Even my ex husband, who if I'm honest, was the worst of them all, bailed when I needed to be taken care of. I had two surgeries and he couldn't be bothered to visit me, or even pick me up from the hospital. Yet I can't tell you how many times I stayed for hours with him in the ER, because of his stupid kidney stones, because he was in pain and scared.
Sorry. I shouldn't be unloading all this on you, but if you've been there, then you know where I'm coming from.
I just don't know how to get back to a place where I have friends (who are actual friends), much less anything more. How do you tell who is good for you and how do you not repeat the same patterns? At my age, I don't even know where to start.
Sorry again for unloading. I appreciate you chiming in to say you get it, and are struggling too. I wish you well.