Decathexis: When YOU are No Longer Useful (Psychopath’s, Narcissist's Transactional Relationships)
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- Опубликовано: 16 апр 2024
- The behavioral variability in narcissism and psychopathy is only apparent. Actually, their behaviors are very consistent and predictable.
RULES
Optimizes allocation of resources, resents when forced to act wastefully and becomes aggressive, rejecting, frustrating, and sadistic.
Do you care about me? Narcissist: I do. You are useful to me. But, don’t you have emotions for me? N: I don’t do emotions. I do relationship maintenance. I do business: give and take. So, why stay in touch? N: I owe you. I repay my debts. Plus, you could still be useful.
Example:
If s/he wants to have sex, s/he will turn on superficial charm, flirt, lovebomb (idealize).
But with the same subject, when s/he cannot have sex (even though s/he may fervently wish it) s/he will be indifferent, dismissive, bored, and impatient.
So, motivated strictly by opportunities (opportunists), not by people, emotions, cognition, or social mores. Loses all interest when no opportunity presents itself.
Similarly, will disengage physically and mentally and move on once task accomplished. Will not linger or engage in social niceties or small talk.
Is utterly uninterested in other people only in their functions and possible contributions. They cease to exist once their utility is over, when no longer useful, and are dropped abruptly. Everyone without exception is instrumentalized and objectified.
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So they're beyond hypocrites, they can screw up all the time, but you can't screw up once. They are a huge waste of time.
This honestly says it all.
I swear they like to come back from time to time, much like a serial killer revisits the scene of the crime .
When I have any inkling that my ex Isn’t a Covert Narcissist I listen to Sam and it destroys my cognitive dissonance. I also go back and re read the last text from my ex that says ‘I am happier not having to deal with your emotions and issues any longer-we are not compatible.’
I was discarded 48 hours after he met his new supply after telling me I was his rock, best friend and life partner. Two years of my life and tossed away like trash.
I’m 6 months out-and have some days where my mind plays tricks on me but Sam always sets me straight. 😅
You haven’t given any indication that your ex was a narcissist - from your comment here it only looks like he changed his mind, found someone else, and you were dumped. This is normal behaviour whether you like it or not.
I had to take a Vaknin break: the truth lessons are a lot to handle! Happy to return to this video reiterating reality as it truly is.
I feel this, I'm very grateful for all the lessons learned from Sam but sadly it has opened my eyes to a world that is much worse than I initially thought and taught me to give up on my parents. Both good things to know objectively but far harder to manage in real life.
i feel u on this .. the truth is so hard too digest
Absolutely! Narcissist's don't do emotions, they do business! Sam Vaknin, the best source of information to dig really deep into the psychological horror world of the narcissist! ❤
Absolute fact. One minute you're the besty, next minute you're gone in exactly that moment they've gotten their benefit from you. Mission completed. It can happen that they tell you the truth afterwards If you ask for their change at 180 degree. I Had been told "Well, I don't need you for the time being."
We’re all props in their tragicomedy 😂
Crazy people. Crazy men, i know
Just a Pawn in their game!
Yes. It was shockingly abrupt and extremely painful to me. He went from charming to completely dismissive - looks right through me when he sees me, and refuses to even acknowledge me - a woman he's known 10 + years. It's pretty disgusting.
It makes you feel so disoriented. As if he had a switch and he flipped it. The most cold hearted, dismissive behavior that he became unrecognizable to me. I remember thinking who is this as if someone took over his body.
Dr. Vaknin you perfectly described his treatment towards me. Not because of anything I did or did not do but because he found new supply. 19 years I had his back yet none it mattered to him. No contact for 4 years. His loss!
This is so interesting!
As soon as I forced the maintenance fee up, he told me he didn’t have the motivation to put the energy in our relationship anymore and I was only wasting his precious time. Haha
Before this, he already dropped some things about how he thought about certain things in life:
He told me he doesn’t know what love is (I understand, if it’s only transactional you don’t have a clue of course)
He told me everything in life is a game of winning or losing to him (like a business man trying to make a deal).
He told me multiple times he wanted to marry within 6 months, otherwise I would be wasting his time.
He wasn’t interested at all in visiting and meeting my family.
All signs of a transactional way of thinking, it’s very interesting when you question them about their beliefs and values in life. My experience is that they give really weird and awkward, practical and transactional answers.
Lots of love and strength those who are being dropped recently ❤️
Exactly what I needed to hear today. My narcissist best friend devalued and discarded me overnight because he arbitrarily decided to move across the country. I'm not useful to him there. If I simply express that I'll miss him, I'm "being selfish" or "holding him back". Really painful experience.
In other words, to a narcissist or psychopath a person has zero intrinsic value.
spot on - and in most cases, if you look back there were little signs in past behaviour. He is right that the pattern is easy to spot. Problem is this -- often we are not looking....or don't want to see it.
This topic is fascinating in a very sick and disturbing way. It is kind of like our draw to observing car accidents only to discover that YOU yourself were IN the wreck. I was married 30 years to my covert narcissist. Just recently divorced as of December as he discarded me then immediately jumped to a new supply he met on a dating app (said he went on it to "make new friends" - just how they twist things and justify their actions). 3 boys with him. . . I'm mostly sorry that I failed them by choosing such a cunning father and how it will now affect their futures.😢
Correct, you failed yourself and your children. Hopefully your boys aren't narcissists. To be raised by a narcissist keeps children in fear terror and decades of deep painful relationships and therapy.
I’m not seeing any indication from your comment that your husband was a narcissist. It sounded like he didn’t want to be with you anymore and left. That alone isn’t enough to diagnose him. It’s fairly normal behaviour for men to leave their wives when they are unhappy.
@audreyandrea460 I didn't realize I was supposed to create for you a list of his abuse toward me. There is no box that he has left unchecked. What a cruel comment to leave for someone who has endured narcissistic abuse.
New Years 2024 was the final straw for me to end contact with my narcissistic mother. I laid out the claim, that she had perpetrated years of narcissistic abuse patterns, and that I could point out as many specific situations as she wanted. To this day she refuses to accept any responsibility. Full denial. Cya.
Like my dad. He still wonder why i was angry at him for years. And when i tried to explain to him what he did to me he dismiss it, try to justify himself or simply don't remember. I just avoid him as much as possible but we live in the same town so sometimes I can't avoid him. My stepmother was another one but she died recently. When i got out of their home at 18 i was having lots of narcissistic behaviours. It's only now after 20 years that i realize it. So yeah. I understand and sympathize.
🤣🤣🤣After 7 months, I asked my narc boyfriend for an explanation/ update of our relationship. His comment was “I enjoy your company and when I no longer do I will let you know.” 🤣🤣🤣 He still doesn’t understand why I said, BYE! He is a Marine. Not the first time I saw this type of attitude from a military person. They are no longer individuals they are MARINES! Seems a great cover for a narcissist since no one is home, the Marine completely takes over.
I’m so happy to hear someone else who has experienced a military narcissist. I will never again have an experience with someone who has military background
Cults can do that
Yep, raised by a narc marine. Was trained at a tender age to say “SIR, YES SIR!!! VERY GOOD SIR!!! FINE FIGURE OF A MAN SIR!!!” 😂 All jokes aside, it was pretty rough to navigate my childhood. After burying it for 60 years, Professor Vaknin has helped me sort through all the happenings I didn’t understand.
When the person has no inner moral guiding system, one will be placed there either in the form of an external organization such as the Marines, or the devil will step in and take over to achieve its sinister means.
When my husband left he looked through me like I wasn’t even there. This his hands down the most clear video at explaining how my husband and partner of 19 years has discarded me when I stood up to him about his emotional abuse. Thank you.
everything I learned about Narcissism I learned from Sam Vaknin.Its so eye opening.He is 1000% right with everything
👍🏻 My mother and I are in the process of ending our relationship because her behavior is not tolerable anymore. She certainly has psychopathic traits (my therapist used the phrase "the most extremely pronounced structures she has ever witnessed"). But if there is no real emotional bond, there won't be a lot of sad or angry feelings ...
Agreed, you never tell the Narc’s your plans/intent
Nobody understands unless they've been through it. I've gone no contact for many years to save my soul
I had the same with my father.. big relief to have no contact anymore
Yes, be swift and safe and silent, - don’t bother with reason or explanation, certainly wish I hadn’t. Wishing you good luck and happy heart and soul .
Yes, you are the biggest victim of the world. Victim Nr 1.
Incredible show. This helped me a lot. Thank you
I was just dating a man who pursued me for months only to drop me like a hot potato for his "female friend" who is an ultra skinny, unattractive vegan alcoholic chainsmoker. He'd give up our history and all we had built for THAT. Literally overnight, erased me. Tossed my things and blocked me. I never considered him a narcissist. He told me their friendship was non-negotiable. I merely mentioned setting boundaries to their late night texting and not having them spend one on one time together as often
It really fukks someone up to be dropped hard like that! I couldn't eat or sleep for 3 days.
Hugs.
I had a similar experience. As soon as I set a singular boundary, I was instantly erased from their life. This has happened more than once. It's pretty mad behavior.
@pupper5580 Now I just need advice for moving forward. How do I possibly trust again when this man gave me zero red flags and earned my trust over 5 months before we even dated? It's sickening
People like him are emotionally & ethically built like 2nd graders with shiny new object syndrome.
Not everyone is like that--but...it takes more than a few months to properly vet them.
Same. Set a boundary and was told to never come back to his place again. Dropped HOT after 3 years. Didn’t eat for 8 days after that. Now it’s been 6 months no contact. Last night I cried “missing” him. Healing isn’t linear. And you will get through this. 💜
Why did he pursue me for three years?
Call me his “dream girl”? His “swan”?
Ask me 100 times to “come and see his country side house”
I’m still confused, almost 4 months after final discard.
i don't care ❤
@@3jesus3christ3thanks for letting me know 😅
It's their game don't ask WHY🙏☀️ THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS 🌊 JUST LIES THAT u like to ear 😜😂
Sadly everything you said is so true 😢
So what about the ones that need to stay married but have affairs? Do they need to stay married for how they look to society and things like that?
Search the shared fantasy playlist.
I would say they’re getting service and safety/security from the wife, maybe sex - and sex, supply, maybe services, from the mistress.
Thank you for this information. Absolutely applies to the last person I wasted my time with. Utility was one of his favorite words, literally. Now I know how to get rid of him or the next one who tries.
This explains the sudden disgard. But if they are gone, done, why you they hoover? But in my case, the hoovers are just a day of texting.
Search the shared fantasy playlist.
Lord have mercy I needed to hear this
A narcissist literally said to me "I always repay my debts."
Extremely useful insight on this instant switching when people in narcissists life are of no use anymore. I've always wondered why and how i would always "lose" best friends and groups of people and not have any regret or even memory of being happy together. I'm not sure what benefit i was willing to get from them other than just fun time together but at some point I'd always switch and cut them off my life as if we've never met each other. (Although from some people I wanted to get financial or career benefits but at some point I was able to recognise that urge and I acted mostly "psychopatically" in those cases with total fakeness).
I was 'helping' my ex for a long time financially and as an emotional support and you could say full 'life support service'. I used to question if they really loved me and knew that question would only be known when I wasn't giving anymore. I stopped eventually when the abuse got terrible and I realised my ex was a covert narc! How quickly then I saw her true colours! When you're not of use they have no reason for you in their life.
Thank you, this explains a lot. My ex doesn't even keep contact with his 2 sons, even when they were babies, they are grown now, Thank goodness they turned out OK. I t was just me alone raising our boys. He gave me no financial help as they were growing, he had a high paying job. It was very painful at the time. How could anyone treat their own flesh and blood that way. This makes it clear. He married a couple more times, but that failed to. Now he is in the Philippians, and still trying to find what he wants. Good luck, so sad.
Dear Sam Vaknin-thank you for this amazing information.I have been questioning some aspects of an involvement with a guy and you have awakened me to his “meanness” .Now realise it is because the return on the investment is being equated what an eye opener.G
You are spot on 😁
Dr Vaknin the best explain ever .
Thank you!!
Thank u, Sam❤
Great video.
Thank you.
This is so accurate!
My mother 83 now is a malignant narcissist my father was a covert narcissist he died last year of dementia but I witnessed it more like his narcissistic dementia he took his clothes off in the old age home, and was aggressive towards the staff. He was trapped in his head. I went no contact from 2013 to 2020. My older sister who raised two kids with them after her husband died was living with them. My mother was making my father drive her places yelling at him turn right turn left. He was already ill. I took his license away and his car and told my sister I would sue her if she didn’t smarten up. I also had him vaccinated for Covid since my bible thumping sister and the cult she is in don’t believe in vaccines? My mother refused to be vaccinated and got Covid she survived but she was an asshole to the nurses. When my father ended up in an old age home she never went to see him. She bad mouthing him he spent his life being used and abused by her and so on. I went no contact with my mother and sister in January because I couldn’t take their grudges, and silent treatment when I had logical thinking and boundaries. They will destroy every fiber of your being. Now I know why my brother in law died the way he did.
God, youre so accurate😳
This is so spot on! To the t
Eye opening !
I told me narc housemate to take the bus. Uh oh!
You are unique , Mr Sam Vaknin !! Thanks for all!!!❤
Thank you very much
Yes this is very true.
The dialog metod between honest narcissist and other person used by you Professor in this video give a different angle and is a nice art form. Should use it further on :)
Search the channel for additional examples.
I know your channel pretty well :) Just want to emphasize this form as very helpful.
Haha. Sam I am 56 years old female but I wish I had had you as a Father figure to explain this cold behavior to me when I was in my teens and early 20s..HUGS
Haha wonderfull video
Do you think since the narcissist/psychopath is able to go from absolutely desiring someone one minute and wanting something serious with them, to acting as if they don't exist the next second granted that something comes in the way of the narcissist/psychopath for him/her to not get what they want, is a key factor as to why most victims of narcissistic/psychopathic abuse are never believed? Or why when victims speak out, regular healthy people would say something along the lines of "he/she just never liked you", even though the narcissist/psychopath pretty much did at a point in time... Do you think being disbelieved also adds to the victim developing even deeper trust issues, since as you mentioned they begin to doubt their sense of judgement after this "behavioural gaslighting"? Also is this some form of reaction formation? I'd like to know.
Watch the Narcissistic Abuse Healing playlist.
U r brave 🎉
PERFECTLY DESCRIBES MY MOTHER
I like when u laugh 😂it is very funny❤
Growth orientated. Interesting.
Why, then Dr. V do they get married? My ex was married 2 times. 1st wife left with 3 kids. 14 years later he remarried. He left that one. But is now begging her back. Why have a hard time letting go of the wife. So not to pay her? Why are they at church every Sunday and can sleep with three women in the same week including their estranged wife.
Search the playlists.
Any opinions on Daniel Mackler?
I wanna see a collab so bad, it would be like a Nickelodeon and Disney channel crossover
100%
When my ex-husband became indifferent, I asked him : did you just take me off like a coat?
Very ancient 🧬 survival
People for profit
🤺💐
Thank you Sam.
My narc seperated was asking me to live single till our kids grow and end marriage and keep it hidden till kids grow from everyone while get treated horrible and was offfering me sex when i refused he became enemy indifferent left and seperated now trying to ask me to be his gf while our only offical divorce paper is due...stay with me as gf than wife and raise kids.later kids will takecare of you.i hve my kids from him with me.
I refused ...now hes so angry and threating me to take kids custody and offer no child support.
Hes asking me to move to canda frm country im in...now.hes afraid i msy comppaint and raise case at him.
Why he cant be married and why hes forcing me i told him what he wanted go live seperate free be happy dnt drag me.
Still hes forcing me to leave country.
When you dnt offer sex access control of narc ex husband he will threat and blackmail you .he says he wana do business mean live with me for public image his family reputation n kids mothering setvices...while he told me he doesnt love me says its@only for kids plz accept it. I refused .😢😢
Im studying the subject. AI assumes we have someone in our life like this because we listen to this...dumb ai...just sayin
I am still wondering why he is begging his ex wife back. What she offered him other than sex. She was a drug addict during the marriage. He left for 7 years finally divorced then the very second minute the divorce was final -> he asked her to remarry. Maybe b/c he did not want to give her 350 grand. Or he says he just wants or likes her body no one else’s. I just can’t figure why he would want her - begging this also narc exwife
It's hilarious that the professor is educating us about the behavior of narcissists and almost every ad is for Trump.
I guess im a psycho. Im also American
The narc sought services of an escort instead. Much easier to just pay for the deed. No work involved. Easy transaction. No emotional connection. The minute I questioned and critized his indifference towards me and then finding out about the escorts it was all over. He walked away saying I don't want to be told how to live my life anymore. 33 years of marriage.
Such great explanation! Thank you.