You have to be a doormat, slave, provider, and insult taker, intimate free, for the rest of your life. For absolutely nothing positive in return. Then and only then will you keep the narcissist.
Now immagine a narcisist, passive agressive most of the time, sometimes escallating in outbursts like tearing an expensive shirt you bought him so that all the buttons fly on top of the Christmass tree on his and yours daugther's birthday just before you are all due to Christmas dinner at his sister's, because you told him you don't have presents ready for his family, as you do not work since your knee operation. And he is adament you must have something for them, ending in sugestion to wrap up the presents you gave him on several intimate occasions and family time, because it is just stuff! He wants to apear unselfish, but only to his sister and her family, and upon rare occassions. Because he also has an Edip syndrome focused on his 10 years older sister, who used that to pool out the weekend house off of him, expensive family graveyards, their parents money and wanted even to make him sign the apartment to her name, so that I would not get anything in our divorce. She already divorced us in her mind, ways before I gave into that suggestion, since the torture was emotional, economical, phisical, spiritual - you name it! I am wondering WHAT kind of a devilish family (though BOASTING as if they'd invented the Bible!!) have I got myself into!?? Having a dog period made it a little bit more durable, now that he is gonne, it is as if all hell broke loose again!! Afraid he is sinking into alcohol abuse on his own back at the weekend house (seams lately to go there much too often and stay longer, working "from house" long distance... He got really fat lately, although was nice and normal, rather slim and lovely boy/man, whome I took a great care of, buying him nice and expensive clothes, matching shirts with the color of his blue eyes, taking care of his skin care and healthy vitamine intake, being always ready for sex and very gentle in the bedroom. What is to be donne? He tells me one day I am so pretty and he mooves between my legs, and the next day he says he could't care less where I will end up! Should I leave? HOW should I do that, Sam? Anyone???
@zeljkameznaric6047 You must live. You must decide what are the reasons for staying for so long with that kind of partner. What are your benefits in the end. It's not easy at all. Been there done that twice. First one 12 years, second one 5 years. 17 years of misery and sadness. What for. I have always been a source of genuine fun, full of empathy and compassion. I have been. Why. Too sad. So sorry.
The first 2-3 months of your relationship with a narcissist will be heaven on earth. Almost immediately after that it’ll take a nose dive and you will never… listen to me… NEVER be able to get it back to the way it was during the loveboming phase. I have tried repeatedly with my narcissist ex. I twisted myself into knots and let myself be a proverbial punching bag all in an effort to “hang in there” and get it back to good somehow. NOPE. You’ll never get it back. Cut your losses and RUN. If you need help I’m here. I’ll help you.
They lovebomb til they know they got you. Once they know u adore and love him and are special to him, he retracts and is repulsed by it. Only he can have access to himself. The deepest parts... There is a video Sam made about how narcissist and borderline mesh and flip diagnoses.
Happy for you. I was 21 when we got married. I had no idea. Don’t think many people were aware then. By the time I realize the hell I was in we had 2 children. We have a grandchild now and I cannot think of 1 good month in all these years. A lot of sulking, silence, spitefulness, bread crumbing and promises to change followed by accusations of “ you want to change me.” He usually states he is leaving, avoids me for months, recently 11 months, then have a sudden realization that he wants to work things out expressed with some weird apology and tears of being hurt by me, his parents etc. The “pain” I inflict on him is basically my common sense reaction to his behavior. For e.g. about a year ago he said he is moving out but not to worry because he will come by a couple times each month to do the yard and whatever else I need done. I told him those things I can do myself or pay to get done. “The things I need from you, you refused to do and is why you are leaving.” I told him when he leaves I will change the locks. He did not leave. He later expressed with tears how I hurt him and made him feel unneeded. It’s utter nonsense!! An endless circle of Craziness. Run and don’t look back. As with everything else in life, you will get over him/her. Be intentional and within a few months/years it will be a blur. Do not let the admiration others have for him/her suck you in. They are not intimately involved with him/her. You are. Its a total different dynamic and its almost hell up close.
you were lucky and i am happy for you. Some people only find out about it late in their life when most of things they might have they never will because it is too late. Don't take this blessing for granted.
1. This is the saddest message. 2. These are the same strategies I have used with every boss I ever worked with. 3. So treat the narcissist like he/she is your benevolent tyrant boss. 😕 4. This is also the most important insight into the narcissistic mind. 5. Thank you so much, Sam.
Really, so true, it's like he's describing some bosses I've worked for, and most of the guys I've known in the past. The immaturity, this explains it all!! Sam: "they have arrested development." They are looking for their 2nd mom, someone to take care of them and all of their needs. Sounds very familiar!!!🙎♂️
My last boss asked me (challenging me) what my IQ was and straight after went and told me his. 😂 this is the same boss that have done more mistakes than any boss before.
My mother did all of this for 40 plus years and she is deceased now. She was especially emotionally and financially dependent on the narcissist. My father is still alive. I went no contact a long time ago, I couldn't stand it.
Yes, cowards they are, can't even have a normal conversation. They walk away, no explanation, discard you like nothing, use you, abuse you, and the silent treatment, it's insane. To them it's just a game, they play with people until they're tired or till you get rid of them first! They're childish but very destructive!!
Just remember it IS NOT one size fits all. Narcissists come in as many shades as there are people. Many are just as helpless as a 4 year old, clueless of their inner workings...and just as loving in their own childish ways!
yes, they can be as loving as their own childish ways, but they still have such vicious aggressiveness that can be way beyond you can handle. So their killing instinct or negativity override their love and they are so hopeless!
I got out after 18 months. It might be mainly men but women do this too. To the letter. This video is helping restore my sanity after the soul destroying experience.
With all the years of reading and listening to different and reputable sources…in two of your videos(this being second) I have understood so much more and come to terms with what is necessary for me. This video shows what a sacrifice my life has been and would be if I ever decided to go back..I am 8 months in to my restraining order, I understand who he is and I choose me. With each day I care less and less about what he does to get reactions and cause chaos. It doesn’t surprise me and it hurts less and less. I feel free in my home with our kids, they express feeling more comfortable at home. They are the ones who I actually stuck to my guns for with leaving and getting this far this time around. They drive me to reach for all of us to have better lives, real lives where we don’t walk on eggshells. I could never do what’s required to keep him after watching this ..and I have been patient and relatively non reactive in the recent years as I have learned about him…in our case it made him step up his game and cross to physical violence..so manipulating around what I knew of his behavior was bound to dead end due to that.
It’s a shame they don’t change, bc I was his biggest supporter. But it’s time to focus on me as opposed to someone who won’t ever be willing to see past his fraudulent image of himself
Not soon after we married, I became pregnant. I went from being a trophy wife (I had a high-profile and highly coveted position with an international brewary), to being completely ignored. For over twenty years. After he was terrified of me outing his sex addiction, he systematically destroyed all I have ever known, and here I am. Ya'll run if there is a sense of any abusive narcissistic agenda in your person.
I watched this just to know what to do to drive away and repel a narcissist. There's no doubt I did a couple of those things in the past (like agreeing on everything they say & do and avoiding conflicts). Never again, though.
In all situations is so important to see what is the role that we are playing in a victim/abuser relationship. “It takes two for Tango”. We should always ask ourselves, “Yes, this is such a bad relationship, why is it then that I can’t let go?” If we are there it’s because we are getting something out of that dynamics, even subconsciously. It’s called the “benefit of the disease”. What is the gain I get out of this relationship, in spite of the pain? Which of my neglected needs is this relationship fulfilling? Can I take control of my life and fulfill them in any other way?
Best video! It actually made me laugh and that’s something since I left my narcissist husband yesterday. He was my puppet master. I don’t even think he wanted to be like that he just doesn’t know any other way than to dominate and force. I hope this helps him in its own way. I hope he doesn’t get vindictive. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you! 🙏 It helps me a lot to deal with my father in his language. He is an old narcisist and he is doing his best not to be left alone so i will do what I keep our relationship.
I've noticed a pattern with narcissists I've seen that although all narcissists have the idealize, devalue, and discard phases, it is within their own unique time limit. For example my ex who broke up with me after a year of being together also broke up with his next girlfriend after roughly a year and I had a feeling this would happen and there are some narcissists that go through the phases much more quickly with all of their victims, like for a few months. I wonder why this is so, a set time frame for each narcissist before discarding. A certain number of months or years but it would be almost exactly the same with all of their victims. What outside elements in the narcissists upbringing would contribute to their timeframe of discarding victims later on in life?
Yes, it's a true and they know that their relationships have a certain life span. I've been with two who knew that their relationships usually last for 3-5 months. They seemed okay with that fact and when asked about the reason for this, they just said something along the lines of "it just fell apart after a while." They didn't seem to have any self-awareness nor accountability for this falling apart thing. lol
I'm laughing because I did exactly the opposite, to my ex-narc, didn't realize until recently I was crushing him to the bone with my words and education, and pointing out his gaslighting, lies, nonsense education, nonsensical statement. I had even brought up that maybe he has abandonment issues and was a looney with his delusions. Flipped his mind. He finally realized he couldn't enslave me and I ditched him. Since then he's been telling everyone - anyone of exaggerated defaults of mine. 4-5 yo Child psychology techniques? 😂😂😂😂 Funny.
I did for 26 years but the damage was seriously effecting my health .. it’s been 7 years and I will always love him but I can’t be controlled or abused any more .. I wish you were right .. we now are 51 and 53 and have grandchildren and we do see each other , and that is so hard ..
I am going on 38 years now my dear brother you alone and the first person who understood what I went and going through thank you so much you gave it language every words you said absolutely correct I went on as if some years back you tought me ,naturally by God 's Grace I was cooperative marriage is saved I have two children 34,32 I had to protect them they wouldn't another copy of Father thank God they are not
Nothing like living the life of a ROCK! Can't speak, Move or act like a human in any way until the narcisist allows it. No thank you, I am better then that and would never lower my expectations as to the way I should be treated by anybody.
This was helpful. i am currently on workers compensation and have a partner that suffers narcissism. I cant leave as he remembers and recalls differently and im afraid of what he might say. So i have to keep it going as well as keep myself mentally safe. Its true its best some people stay. At least short term. While im in it im watching all your videos and learning so much. I learnt some info on internalised self image in my BA in sociology, but did cover any of this social psychology in depth. So these info sessions are really help full and interesting.
Sadly just as l have loved him since high school,then again for five years,l will always love the shared fantasy version of the narcissist.l keep that make believe version that loved me in a compartment in my mind l visit occasionally but the real one l had to abandon.
Woow!!! That’s why I’be never feel like I’m home before,I’s mimic my firsts experiences of narcissistic behavior supplier, later now, thanks this relationship I’m fully awareness and I see the pain behind the behaviors. Awesome, thank you so much 🙌🏼✨
I had to laugh at a great deal of this. It’s beyond sad. But this video is the most interesting piece of information I’ve ever been taught from anywhere.
It is as though as he was in my mind. All things were And are true. But, what my ex has done is that he made it possible to loose ALL my friends and many of my family members
Best best vedio so far on this topic .... outstanding 👏👏👏👌👌👌🙏🙏🙏 Praise constantly Agree with everything Make him dependent in something u cn offer which others cannot Be patient Use child psychology Be endlessly giving Be emotionally and financially independent Keep money aside from him Silent treatment ,walk away when abusive
Now immagine a narcisist, passive agressive most of the time, sometimes escallating in outbursts like tearing an expensive shirt you bought him so that all the buttons fly on top of the Christmass tree on his and yours daugther's birthday just before you are all due to Christmas dinner at his sister's, because you told him you don't have presents ready for his family, as you do not work since your knee operation. And he is adament you must have something for them, ending in sugestion to wrap up the presents you gave him on several intimate occasions and family time, because it is just stuff! He wants to apear unselfish, but only to his sister and her family, and upon rare occassions. Because he also has an Edip syndrome focused on his 10 years older sister, who used that to pool out the weekend house off of him, expensive family graveyards, their parents money and wanted even to make him sign the apartment to her name, so that I would not get anything in our divorce. She already divorced us in her mind, ways before I gave into that suggestion, since the torture was emotional, economical, phisical, spiritual - you name it! I am wondering WHAT kind of a devilish family (though BOASTING as if they'd invented the Bible!!) have I got myself into!?? Having a dog period made it a little bit more durable, now that he is gonne, it is as if all hell broke loose again!! Afraid he is sinking into alcohol abuse on his own back at the weekend house (seams lately to go there much too often and stay longer, working "from house" long distance... He got really fat lately, although was nice and normal, rather slim and lovely boy/man, whome I took a great care of, buying him nice and expensive clothes, matching shirts with the color of his blue eyes, taking care of his skin care and healthy vitamine intake, being always ready for sex and very gentle in the bedroom. What is to be donne? He tells me one day I am so pretty and he mooves between my legs, and the next day he says he could't care less where I will end up! Should I leave? HOW should I do that, Sam? Anyone???
My ex would just lay there during sex and it made me feel so bad. I think I'm finally understanding why now. She had hsv2 and I was still so desperate for her anyways despite me being clean. My whole shtick was trying to please her in any way but never actually getting any praise, thanks or crumbs. By the end of the relationship I was pleading with her not to leave me and telling her she could do whatever she wanted sexual partners, clubbing, etc. I'm a codependent.
After watching Prof. Sam Vaknin's videos a few years ago I got a few cues on how to spot one and how to avoid being one... It helped me leave as soon as possible almost not being harmed a covert wealthy carrier narcissist (who wanted me to follow him while I'm a student) and trust me if I hand't know the knowledge given by professor Sam Vaknim I'd be suffering today... Try to find what you need and what triggers, you go to a therapist do whatever you have to... Take care of yourselves and go no contact as professor Sam Vaknim says the quicker you do it the less pain you have if not even any pain because you're taking care of yourself
that's right! I could have been in a mental instution because of the Narc, it is not exaggeration. I honestly thought the narc could be there too and I am not surprised if the narc was there.
You know, this is what the narcissist wants... but they can become bored with you no matter what you do. And its so tiring to prop them up constantly... so much better to leave!
@@victoriacampbell5877 female narcs will do it. narc personality is to want what they don't have an if they have it they don't want it. It's like a game of cat an mouse. They can play that game for years until they find new supply.
@@chriscorbart basically a relationship with a narc is a superficial relationship. The narc sells a image. They either want a doormat or a partner in crime.
This is so funny AND so sad. Looking at it from the outside, it’s hard to see how we’ve let a little child trapped in the body of a grown person drive us into such a state. Reminding ourselves that they are kids and they’re living in an imaginary world, made possible only because of us (supply), allows us to take back our power. Please choose yourself!! Don’t stay in this unhealthy relationship.
@@Earthether whatever your situation is that’s causing you to feel stuck, I pray that you can see yourself in a better place, so that you can create that energy and reality. You are worthy and deserving. I know all situations are different and people stay for different reasons- I definitely respect and understand that. You can and you will overcome this. Love and light. 💞
This video is helpful bc it explains why I acted the way I did when I was with a narc. I mirrored his behavior as a defense mechanism. After I left him I spent a lot of time analyzing my past behavior to confirm with myself that I actually wasn’t a narc also. I had to mirror him while I was with him to be able to survive.
While you're with them, it's like being in an alternate reality. They aren't like "normal" people and the cognitive dissonance it creates in your mind keeps you trying to fix it. It took me almost 6 years to wake up. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but ... damn!
Sam Vaknin: You have to leave your narcissist. You: I dunno... I dont wanna. Sam Vaknin: Ok then, this is what you have to do if you want to stay. You: 'boards a space shuttle and leaves the planet narcissist lives on'
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. How to treat a narcissist like a god and keep a straight face. It is a farce. U have to be dumb or unconscious. Thank u Sam.
Same!! It's the concise manner in which he articulates and delivers this otherwise fuckry tips that has me rolling. 😁😂 😭 😂 he said "be nothing less than thunderstruck by the narc, be in awe of them" 😂😂 I- cannot.
It is incredibly difficult to heal from the narcissistic abuse. But please believe me, once you leave your self esteem will return. It took me 3 years. It is a long hard road, but you will never heal if you stay with him/her
A negative mindset literally pulls everything inward towards them. At a subatomic level, energy ripples towards the nucleus of atoms instead of away... This is why narcissists are soooooooo drainingggg
Well looks like you didnt actually watch this video. That is the message here if course; this man is the original "no contact with the narcissist" doctor.
Dr. Sam, your work is incredible. You are a blessing to many. I laughed so hard in this video, bc I understood that your shocking advices on “how to stay” were just the blunt realities on why NOT to stay. 😊 you are appreciated, please continue your good works. 🙏🏻 many blessings.
When I was married I LITERALLY did all the things that Sam said to do to "keep" one.... It killed my soul. I've been divorced for 3yrs and I've never been better. I'm a single mom with 5 kids and I am doing better than when I was married to him, which just seems bizarre.. I do have to co-parent. My kids already can tell something is wrong with him, they were aware before the divorce, it's hard because they love their Dad but they don't even want to be with him as much as they have to be... The weirdest thing he ever said, but makes perfect sense now, is when I was reading and changing my daughter he said.. "I wish you treated me and loved me like that." Really creep. But now I understand.... BUUUUTTT!!! NEVER GO BACK! DON'T STAY! If you do you gotta realize there's something really wrong with you too.
I'm so happy you were able to break free with your babies! I can scarcely imagine the absolute strength and resolve to be able to achieve that. I hope you and your family are all safe and happy and thriving. I have 3 (1 adult and 2 under 10) and I'm so scared of my next move. I'm in the stage now where I'm on the verge of losing health of body and mind if I don't leave. It's so sad and tiring. I educate myself and it helps a lot but I literally fear a life without his mirage and that really makes me doubt my inner resolve
I wish I knew this guy and his channel in the early 90's! He should be in every high school educating our young ones before they get into a relationship!
When put this way, absolutely I do not want to stay with my ex-narc. It took hearing it a different way to really understand that my marriage would never have lasted.
This video really highlighted the lengths and depths (especially the depths) that we can sink to. A different approach in this teaching, that P Sam described the behaviors, the role one must play as/if they choose to continue the relationship with a narc. Woe.
Her father was Mossad (Israeli intelligence). If anything, she was more powerful than Epstein as her father controlled all of it. Side note, she has a submarine license. Hmmm 🤔 I wonder why.
The ending was so empowering I have written it down to read and re read and keep as a promise to myself which I will stand strong and apply . Thankyou Dr. Sam Vaknin 31:33- My resolutions: Victims of abuse cannot afford a cavalier attitude Our mental and physical health depend on strictly observing the following promises to yourself - 1 - I will treat myself with dignity I will demand respect from others I will not allow anyone to disrespect me 2 - I will set clear boundaries and I will let other people know what is permissible and acceptable Behavior and what is off limits and out of bounds 3 - I will not tolerate abuse I will not tolerate abhorrition in any shape or form or co-disguise I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally and if i cant i walk away 4 I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs wishes and expectations I will not be arrogant but I will be confident i will be assertive I will not be self-effacing i will not be Meek I will not be selfish I will not be grandiose i will not be narcissistic I will not be haughty but I willI love myself I will care for myself I come first in the best sense of the word For me to love others I must love myself For me to take care of others i must first take care of myself 5 I will get to know myself better I will study myself I will make myself a topic of study I will render myself my project 6 I will treat other people as I want them to treat me I will try to lead by way of example 7 If I am habitually disrespected , If I am regularly abused or if my boundaries are constantly ignored and breeched i will go no contact I will break up I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith . zero Tolerance! zero tolerance ! first strike and you’re out And no second chance. Good luck.
I relate very well to this video. My husband is very wealthy and we lived an amazing lifestyle. All on his terms of course. To give him up and his bad behaviour, I had to also give up the lifestyle, my home and my financial security. At the time I was just working it out that he was a covert narcissist. I did not have the knowledge I have now and always wondered if I could of stayed. Well it's over 2 years since I left him. The bad narcissism behaviour was 10 fold since leaving. Many court appearances and three months now until a property settlement trial, that he can't possibly win. After listening to this video by Sam I realized that staying would of been a lifetime of abuse. He would of been a full time job x 2. Keeping myself sane would of been beyond challenging. I have surprised myself with my strength and courage. Moved states. I have a job. Bought my own home and brought him to court. He told me 'I was nothing' the day I left. Well I guess he was wrong. Too all the people out there, fighting the fight against being abused by a narcissist, soldier on. Be steadfast, unwavering and bull headed. No contact is your best weapon.
Amen! My story precisely…just now going through the separation. I haven’t worked in years. I’m scared to death but I just can’t live like this anymore. I have the lifestyle and EVERYTHING a woman could want, except the “man” himself” , and I feel as if I’ve literally died of starvation inside. It’s time!
@@ashleyh5101 😢 my heart goes out to you. You CAN do this!!! In 53 and worked my whole life. I grew up poor and lived on a shoestring until I married him at 42..,I can’t take it anymore. And even though I make more than him.. pay the mortgage - that I’m not even on!!! I’m STILL scared to be in my own. I have to give up the big house, all the stupid Narc gifts. I can do it too! Slowly but each day I inch closer! You can too!!
Thank you for this. Being detached and unaffected by the narcissist’s unwanted behavior is key. My ex was like a dog that could sense fear or a shark that could smell blood in the water from miles away. He knew when I wasn’t feeling good about him...regardless of how hard I tried to conceal it. I’m far too sensitive and transparent (not to mention self-respecting) for these strategies. No contact it is, and shall remain.
I am the exact same way. Its like people can smell it on me. Not just my narc ex but other people as well. I am currently trying to go no contact (also with a restraining order) but he is still finding ways to get to me. I am honestly fearful for my life! I have done as much healing and moving on as I can but I feel his behavior is escalating for sure. It has been so many years and I am still being used as supply, even his gf is helping him. I hope things change soon but I am fearful it will end badly. I hope someone can save this comment incase something happens to me. I feel its only a matter of time. He has abused me and threatened my life with a loaded gun in the past and I am afraid that won't be the worst thing he does to me. I hope someone remembers me
Heather McDowell please find a safe place with safe people to look after you. There are so many resources out there. Wishing you health and wellness and praying for your safety. 🙏🏾✨
@@meaganharris9785 thank you so much! I wish I could feel safe at home with my husband and children but unfortunately as of late this has been the very place he decides to try to intimidate and stalk me. He's refused to meet in public places and is insisting on coming to my home and me going to his. Ro has only been in effect for a few weeks but he is using other people to get around it.
@@heathermichelle7261 Hi there, just saw this and wanted to check in on you. It has been a year now, and your narc sounds quite scary. Mine has some pretty bad behaviors, too, so I understand where you are coming from. I hope you are doing okay, and even more, I hope you are out and safe! ❤
I didn’t know that you originated the no contact method and mirroring techniques.You are so insightful and honest about the narcissist dynamic.Thank you for highlighting the intricacies of the situation.
I did it too in 1997 , I knew that only way to keep my sanity is to cut all contact with her. She broke through some open holes of communication couple of times in the next 20 years, but I healed and moved on.
This makes me sick to my stomach to hear. I lived with my narc for 18 years conditioned to behave in this way. I lost all of myself and became everything for him. I thought this was the only way to survive. My children and I suffered greatly and still do from his behavior.
@@dawnevans0602 we were married before he walked out on me and our children. I only said lived because we are in a 2 year long divorce that he is dragging me and our children through it all. Going on 3 years and so much money wasted on attorney fees from ridiculous pleadings.
Forget about yourself and adulate them every day. Drain yourselves and lose yourself and also let them cheat because they are cheaters and liars. Let them get away with it 😂😅
I'm at the point in my life where I do not want a relationship. So a narcissist who has great sexual talents is very welcome. I'll never trust them so we have to meet at a hotel not allowed in my house 😂
I've seen so many videos on narcissists, etc. but this one is the best by far! It tells you straight as it is. Do's and don'ts. "If you wish to stay, go ahead, but don't tell me I didn't tell you so." I am trully thankful for this video, it helped me see a bigger/clearer picture. I've been struggling with leaving, but becoming a robot is smth I simply will not allow myself. Thank you for this!
Laura C A person who cheats on their spouse is despicable and their lover isn’t much better. I’m not about to worry for a person who doesn’t have the morals to stop themselves from having an affair with a married person and doesn’t consider the feelings of that person’s spouse. Cheaters can’t be trusted. They made the choice to ignore the fact that it’s typical for cheaters to tell lies about the state of their marriage and to ignore the lack of morals in the object of their affection. They’ve first hand knowledge that they’re with or have married a person that will cheat on their spouse. If misfortune falls upon them, it’s karma. They behaved immorally.
Laura C I’m sorry I confused you. I know what you said so I could have worded my comment better. My intent was to show how my view is different than yours and more like Cathie who you were replying to. No criticism on you, nobody right or wrong here. Although taking the high road as you have can easily be argued as having more merit. I did feel as you do until I realized their relationship started while I was still married to him. I don’t think she deserves trauma nor do I wish it for her. But it’s what one risks when making poor choices so I don’t have a lot of empathy for her either.
@@laura42321 when I found out about her, I tried to talk to her, woman to woman. I told her that I did not know about her, I was not ok with their arrangement, and there was another woman as well. She accused me of lying to her to "upset her" and that I was manipulative. From then on, there was no talking to her and she deserves everything she gets. She's been with him now for 5 years. She's a good supply.
...and then, after you do all of this, for say, oh, your entire life, he starts getting old, and his body and mind are not as sharp as they once were, which makes him angry.
That makes me very sad...No Hope they can feel real Love ...have a Heart liké us ...No Hope they reciprocate our unconditionnel love ...it breaks m'y Heart ....
I totally resonate with this comment. I thought I could heal the narc without knowing that this was incurable. I never wanted to give up any hope that people can be healed completely.
This was a masterclass in using the reactance of co-dependants who, like narcissists, are also arrested in their development and often exhibit behaviors of a young child, thus the effectiveness of the reverse-psychology. Bravo Sam!
Yes Amen Dr! The behaviors that affect me, I can modify to set me Free. Thank You for your words and love to help us all. I will Treat myself with dignity. Set boundaries. No tolerating abuse. I will not be arrogant be humble. I must take care of myself. I am my own Project. Zero tolerance. Amen.
They are way too much work. Worth it at the beginning but less and less as time goes by. Getting predictable and not that interesting. The only fun will be to observe them like you would a lab rat with pathetic patterns. Hard to be thunderstruck when you get so unfulfilled that you get bored out of your mind. They will give you less and less and require more from you, stepping on each boundary you will set for yourself. They will trample your self confidence but try to find just enough self-respect to get away. They are like an addiction. Break the cycle. The earlier the better. They will never get better, only worse. You will never go back to the thrill of the beginning, they will groom you to be satisfied with less and less crumbs. Save yourself.
Mine i lost through i could not send anymore money i was with him nearly 6 years he promised to send me back the money i lent him it was my repair money for my house i am devestated i trusted him but got betrayed instead
My narc starved me of simple gestures of affection and consideration. He acted haughty and dismissive. He said “ no talking, no touching”. My body reacted to his unfairness: my hair fell out in clumps. My mind fell into despair while my aching heart cried to hold onto him. Divided self is a recipe for mental illness. Dating a shitty person is an unmitigated disaster.
@Eun Chung you found yourself a heartless robot. Did you know that sex robots can show you better affection? Not saying that you should get one with the fact that one can get affection from a robot says something about this human narc.
sorry to hear that you had to go through. In my experience, there was a distance physically so it was same as 'no talking, no touching' but it was necessary because I am pretty sure that if it was close in phyical distance, the narc could have been physically abusive towards me. It was almost guaranteed as I observed our communications online so I was assured that the distances were meant to protect me from the Narc.
My narcissist gets so excited when he talks about making food in his job. He's the one who "makes the dressing the best." No one makes it like him. I'll praise it from now on lmaoooo
Yes!! And tell him that nobody could ever do what he does and that he should sell it so the whole world can see how truly intelligent and successful he is lol
I wanted to be his long lost mother but I also wanted to be his Wife. My conflict; nurturing a boy yet wanting to love a man. We disagreed. I had to discard him. Tragedy.
The narcissist is only great in the beginning....its all downhill after that. They suck after the first 3 months.
wrong perhaps you got fat and lame? 2 way street
@@moimoi4725 fat and lame in 3 months. Charlie Brown are you self reflecting 😂
@@face-in-the-crowd 😂😂😂
3 months is correct
The three months are in fact correct 👍🏻 Three - four months.
You have to be a doormat, slave, provider, and insult taker, intimate free, for the rest of your life. For absolutely nothing positive in return. Then and only then will you keep the narcissist.
Exactly , it is hell on earth! My mom was or is one as well and I ended up with one! How could I not see it????!!!!!
Correct !
Now immagine a narcisist, passive agressive most of the time, sometimes escallating in outbursts like tearing an expensive shirt you bought him so that all the buttons fly on top of the Christmass tree on his and yours daugther's birthday just before you are all due to Christmas dinner at his sister's, because you told him you don't have presents ready for his family, as you do not work since your knee operation. And he is adament you must have something for them, ending in sugestion to wrap up the presents you gave him on several intimate occasions and family time, because it is just stuff! He wants to apear unselfish, but only to his sister and her family, and upon rare occassions. Because he also has an Edip syndrome focused on his 10 years older sister, who used that to pool out the weekend house off of him, expensive family graveyards, their parents money and wanted even to make him sign the apartment to her name, so that I would not get anything in our divorce. She already divorced us in her mind, ways before I gave into that suggestion, since the torture was emotional, economical, phisical, spiritual - you name it! I am wondering WHAT kind of a devilish family (though BOASTING as if they'd invented the Bible!!) have I got myself into!?? Having a dog period made it a little bit more durable, now that he is gonne, it is as if all hell broke loose again!! Afraid he is sinking into alcohol abuse on his own back at the weekend house (seams lately to go there much too often and stay longer, working "from house" long distance...
He got really fat lately, although was nice and normal, rather slim and lovely boy/man, whome I took a great care of, buying him nice and expensive clothes, matching shirts with the color of his blue eyes, taking care of his skin care and healthy vitamine intake, being always ready for sex and very gentle in the bedroom. What is to be donne? He tells me one day I am so pretty and he mooves between my legs, and the next day he says he could't care less where I will end up! Should I leave? HOW should I do that, Sam? Anyone???
@@obeyheart3667indeed..they ll discard you neverthless
@zeljkameznaric6047 You must live. You must decide what are the reasons for staying for so long with that kind of partner. What are your benefits in the end. It's not easy at all. Been there done that twice. First one 12 years, second one 5 years. 17 years of misery and sadness. What for. I have always been a source of genuine fun, full of empathy and compassion. I have been. Why. Too sad. So sorry.
The first 2-3 months of your relationship with a narcissist will be heaven on earth. Almost immediately after that it’ll take a nose dive and you will never… listen to me… NEVER be able to get it back to the way it was during the loveboming phase. I have tried repeatedly with my narcissist ex. I twisted myself into knots and let myself be a proverbial punching bag all in an effort to “hang in there” and get it back to good somehow. NOPE. You’ll never get it back. Cut your losses and RUN. If you need help I’m here. I’ll help you.
They lovebomb til they know they got you. Once they know u adore and love him and are special to him, he retracts and is repulsed by it. Only he can have access to himself. The deepest parts...
There is a video Sam made about how narcissist and borderline mesh and flip diagnoses.
This is so mf insane. I’m watching this often to remind myself to stay away and keep no contact
It’s just as he describes..
Come to me. Baby I'll love you
@@elaynemcalister4383 yep. Tried and lost my life myself n power still got abused. Come away with nothing Lost years , the other is the winner
😂
Who u telling 😮 Insane 💯🔥
I am 21. You just saved years of my life studying your vids and wondering what is happening within my relationship.
So young. I pray you are in a better place 💞
smart girl... too many women out here with sad stories of spending decades with narcs...
Happy for you. I was 21 when we got married. I had no idea. Don’t think many people were aware then. By the time I realize the hell I was in we had 2 children. We have a grandchild now and I cannot think of 1 good month in all these years. A lot of sulking, silence, spitefulness, bread crumbing and promises to change followed by accusations of “ you want to change me.” He usually states he is leaving, avoids me for months, recently 11 months, then have a sudden realization that he wants to work things out expressed with some weird apology and tears of being hurt by me, his parents etc. The “pain” I inflict on him is basically my common sense reaction to his behavior. For e.g. about a year ago he said he is moving out but not to worry because he will come by a couple times each month to do the yard and whatever else I need done. I told him those things I can do myself or pay to get done. “The things I need from you, you refused to do and is why you are leaving.” I told him when he leaves I will change the locks. He did not leave. He later expressed with tears how I hurt him and made him feel unneeded. It’s utter nonsense!! An endless circle of Craziness. Run and don’t look back. As with everything else in life, you will get over him/her. Be intentional and within a few months/years it will be a blur. Do not let the admiration others have for him/her suck you in. They are not intimately involved with him/her. You are. Its a total different dynamic and its almost hell up close.
you were lucky and i am happy for you. Some people only find out about it late in their life when most of things they might have they never will because it is too late. Don't take this blessing for granted.
So lucky!!! ❤
Don't ride on that bus.....it is destined for hell!
Guaranteed 💯
Easier said than done…
1. This is the saddest message.
2. These are the same strategies I have used with every boss I ever worked with.
3. So treat the narcissist like he/she is your benevolent tyrant boss.
😕
4. This is also the most important insight into the narcissistic mind.
5. Thank you so much, Sam.
Narcs are a straight off losing game
Really, so true, it's like he's describing some bosses I've worked for, and most of the guys I've known in the past. The immaturity, this explains it all!!
Sam: "they have arrested development."
They are looking for their 2nd mom, someone to take care of them and all of their needs. Sounds very familiar!!!🙎♂️
@@gennyzentella4692 absolutely well they do what they want and give nothing back and go out and cheat
My last boss asked me (challenging me) what my IQ was and straight after went and told me his. 😂 this is the same boss that have done more mistakes than any boss before.
This is how my marriage survived for almost 30 years but now that I can no longer do this ,our marriage is starting to disintegrate.
I love to listen your guides, talks , explanations of human psychic conditions. You are brilliant !!!
I definitely agree....I wanted to hear more so I hit the subscribe button.🙌🏼
Sam you never disappoint. I laughed so hard. You are a genius.
Lp
I am really enjoying the rich vocab. So refreshing.🤩
I'm not laughing though :/
My mother did all of this for 40 plus years and she is deceased now. She was especially emotionally and financially dependent on the narcissist. My father is still alive. I went no contact a long time ago, I couldn't stand it.
They’re cowards when confronted they Run because you remind them how small they’re !
Yes, cowards they are, can't even have a normal conversation. They walk away, no explanation, discard you like nothing, use you, abuse you, and the silent treatment, it's insane. To them it's just a game, they play with people until they're tired or till you get rid of them first! They're childish but very destructive!!
Just remember it IS NOT one size fits all. Narcissists come in as many shades as there are people. Many are just as helpless as a 4 year old, clueless of their inner workings...and just as loving in their own childish ways!
Narcissists fit into personality type A group with BPD, Histrionic personality disorder, and Antisocial personality disorder.
yes, they can be as loving as their own childish ways, but they still have such vicious aggressiveness that can be way beyond you can handle. So their killing instinct or negativity override their love and they are so hopeless!
I got out after 18 months. It might be mainly men but women do this too. To the letter. This video is helping restore my sanity after the soul destroying experience.
They sure do!
With all the years of reading and listening to different and reputable sources…in two of your videos(this being second) I have understood so much more and come to terms with what is necessary for me. This video shows what a sacrifice my life has been and would be if I ever decided to go back..I am 8 months in to my restraining order, I understand who he is and I choose me. With each day I care less and less about what he does to get reactions and cause chaos. It doesn’t surprise me and it hurts less and less. I feel free in my home with our kids, they express feeling more comfortable at home. They are the ones who I actually stuck to my guns for with leaving and getting this far this time around. They drive me to reach for all of us to have better lives, real lives where we don’t walk on eggshells. I could never do what’s required to keep him after watching this ..and I have been patient and relatively non reactive in the recent years as I have learned about him…in our case it made him step up his game and cross to physical violence..so manipulating around what I knew of his behavior was bound to dead end due to that.
It’s a shame they don’t change, bc I was his biggest supporter. But it’s time to focus on me as opposed to someone who won’t ever be willing to see past his fraudulent image of himself
It's really treasure to find such a morally well equipped specialist in Narcissism. I really thank God for finding him!
Not soon after we married, I became pregnant. I went from being a trophy wife (I had a high-profile and highly coveted position with an international brewary), to being completely ignored. For over twenty years. After he was terrified of me outing his sex addiction, he systematically destroyed all I have ever known, and here I am. Ya'll run if there is a sense of any abusive narcissistic agenda in your person.
I watched this just to know what to do to drive away and repel a narcissist.
There's no doubt I did a couple of those things in the past (like agreeing on everything they say & do and avoiding conflicts). Never again, though.
In all situations is so important to see what is the role that we are playing in a victim/abuser relationship. “It takes two for Tango”. We should always ask ourselves, “Yes, this is such a bad relationship, why is it then that I can’t let go?” If we are there it’s because we are getting something out of that dynamics, even subconsciously. It’s called the “benefit of the disease”. What is the gain I get out of this relationship, in spite of the pain? Which of my neglected needs is this relationship fulfilling? Can I take control of my life and fulfill them in any other way?
So true
I'm exhausted ...I'm setting a trap for him ..I'm pulling the mat straight from underneath him ..thanks Sam just saved my life😅
You always are so clear about the truth. This is priceless and true . you have validated my experience .
unfiltered truth
Best video! It actually made me laugh and that’s something since I left my narcissist husband yesterday. He was my puppet master. I don’t even think he wanted to be like that he just doesn’t know any other way than to dominate and force. I hope this helps him in its own way. I hope he doesn’t get vindictive. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you! 🙏 It helps me a lot to deal with my father in his language. He is an old narcisist and he is doing his best not to be left alone so i will do what I keep our relationship.
I've noticed a pattern with narcissists I've seen that although all narcissists have the idealize, devalue, and discard phases, it is within their own unique time limit. For example my ex who broke up with me after a year of being together also broke up with his next girlfriend after roughly a year and I had a feeling this would happen and there are some narcissists that go through the phases much more quickly with all of their victims, like for a few months. I wonder why this is so, a set time frame for each narcissist before discarding. A certain number of months or years but it would be almost exactly the same with all of their victims. What outside elements in the narcissists upbringing would contribute to their timeframe of discarding victims later on in life?
Yes, it's a true and they know that their relationships have a certain life span. I've been with two who knew that their relationships usually last for 3-5 months. They seemed okay with that fact and when asked about the reason for this, they just said something along the lines of "it just fell apart after a while." They didn't seem to have any self-awareness nor accountability for this falling apart thing. lol
Brilliant video Sam. I love your vocabulary. The last part of this video is such good advice.
I agree 🙆
Good that i found strenght to stay no contact and move on, it is so well explained, compliments Professor!
I'm laughing because I did exactly the opposite, to my ex-narc, didn't realize until recently I was crushing him to the bone with my words and education, and pointing out his gaslighting, lies, nonsense education, nonsensical statement.
I had even brought up that maybe he has abandonment issues and was a looney with his delusions. Flipped his mind. He finally realized he couldn't enslave me and I ditched him. Since then he's been telling everyone - anyone of exaggerated defaults of mine.
4-5 yo Child psychology techniques? 😂😂😂😂 Funny.
I did for 26 years but the damage was seriously effecting my health .. it’s been 7 years and I will always love him but I can’t be controlled or abused any more ..
I wish you were right .. we now are 51 and 53 and have grandchildren and we do see each other , and that is so hard ..
I am going on 38 years now my dear brother you alone and the first person who understood what I went and going through thank you so much you gave it language every words you said absolutely correct I went on as if some years back you tought me ,naturally by God 's Grace I was cooperative marriage is saved I have two children 34,32 I had to protect them they wouldn't another copy of Father thank God they are not
Thank you Professor… your words are so powerful and realistic
Love how you turned this around a great perspective for me I want no part of going back
Nothing like living the life of a ROCK! Can't speak, Move or act like a human in any way until the narcisist allows it. No thank you, I am better then that and would never lower my expectations as to the way I should be treated by anybody.
This was helpful. i am currently on workers compensation and have a partner that suffers narcissism. I cant leave as he remembers and recalls differently and im afraid of what he might say. So i have to keep it going as well as keep myself mentally safe. Its true its best some people stay. At least short term.
While im in it im watching all your videos and learning so much. I learnt some info on internalised self image in my BA in sociology, but did cover any of this social psychology in depth. So these info sessions are really help full and interesting.
This is actually very funny. No one can act like this. 😂
omg you have analyzed the root causes of a narcisist from having a motherly complex and they love and hate the mother
Sadly just as l have loved him since high school,then again for five years,l will always love the shared fantasy version of the narcissist.l keep that make believe version that loved me in a compartment in my mind l visit occasionally but the real one l had to abandon.
Woow!!! That’s why I’be never feel like I’m home before,I’s mimic my firsts experiences of narcissistic behavior supplier, later now, thanks this relationship I’m fully awareness and I see the pain behind the behaviors. Awesome, thank you so much 🙌🏼✨
I had to laugh at a great deal of this. It’s beyond sad. But this video is the most interesting piece of information I’ve ever been taught from anywhere.
Uderstand everything you are saying thank you Sir.
It is as though as he was in my mind. All things were And are true. But, what my ex has done is that he made it possible to loose ALL my friends and many of my family members
We are two narcissists. We are destroying eachother.
Best best vedio so far on this topic .... outstanding 👏👏👏👌👌👌🙏🙏🙏
Praise constantly
Agree with everything
Make him dependent in something u cn offer which others cannot
Be patient
Use child psychology
Be endlessly giving
Be emotionally and financially independent
Keep money aside from him
Silent treatment ,walk away when abusive
Thank you
I really like your videos !God bless you
Now immagine a narcisist, passive agressive most of the time, sometimes escallating in outbursts like tearing an expensive shirt you bought him so that all the buttons fly on top of the Christmass tree on his and yours daugther's birthday just before you are all due to Christmas dinner at his sister's, because you told him you don't have presents ready for his family, as you do not work since your knee operation. And he is adament you must have something for them, ending in sugestion to wrap up the presents you gave him on several intimate occasions and family time, because it is just stuff! He wants to apear unselfish, but only to his sister and her family, and upon rare occassions. Because he also has an Edip syndrome focused on his 10 years older sister, who used that to pool out the weekend house off of him, expensive family graveyards, their parents money and wanted even to make him sign the apartment to her name, so that I would not get anything in our divorce. She already divorced us in her mind, ways before I gave into that suggestion, since the torture was emotional, economical, phisical, spiritual - you name it! I am wondering WHAT kind of a devilish family (though BOASTING as if they'd invented the Bible!!) have I got myself into!?? Having a dog period made it a little bit more durable, now that he is gonne, it is as if all hell broke loose again!! Afraid he is sinking into alcohol abuse on his own back at the weekend house (seams lately to go there much too often and stay longer, working "from house" long distance...
He got really fat lately, although was nice and normal, rather slim and lovely boy/man, whome I took a great care of, buying him nice and expensive clothes, matching shirts with the color of his blue eyes, taking care of his skin care and healthy vitamine intake, being always ready for sex and very gentle in the bedroom. What is to be donne? He tells me one day I am so pretty and he mooves between my legs, and the next day he says he could't care less where I will end up! Should I leave? HOW should I do that, Sam? Anyone???
My ex would just lay there during sex and it made me feel so bad. I think I'm finally understanding why now. She had hsv2 and I was still so desperate for her anyways despite me being clean. My whole shtick was trying to please her in any way but never actually getting any praise, thanks or crumbs.
By the end of the relationship I was pleading with her not to leave me and telling her she could do whatever she wanted sexual partners, clubbing, etc.
I'm a codependent.
Join the cult of the narcissist! Be the best follower and they might not leave you! No thank you!
Muy útil la exposición para entender en qué lado del espectro se está, la película completa de quien no se es.
oh my god! narcissist is a red flag for sure
Love this video!!🥰👍🏾💯
After watching Prof. Sam Vaknin's videos a few years ago I got a few cues on how to spot one and how to avoid being one... It helped me leave as soon as possible almost not being harmed a covert wealthy carrier narcissist (who wanted me to follow him while I'm a student) and trust me if I hand't know the knowledge given by professor Sam Vaknim I'd be suffering today... Try to find what you need and what triggers, you go to a therapist do whatever you have to... Take care of yourselves and go no contact as professor Sam Vaknim says the quicker you do it the less pain you have if not even any pain because you're taking care of yourself
Nice the way you give the info..
Wow!!!
It's a miracle i am still alive, not in jail or in a mental institution.
TRUE,.. to those who have not been through narc abuse,....that sounds like exaggeration,....it is not,.. ...
that's right! I could have been in a mental instution because of the Narc, it is not exaggeration. I honestly thought the narc could be there too and I am not surprised if the narc was there.
Mood af
"The average mental age of MOST narcissists is between 4 & 6."
Wow...🤔
That blew me away too. People are in love with mental six year olds. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
clever ones about 14 and dangerous
@@manyoptions5313 I know...😔🤔
Jen K Exactly. 100% nailed it. It is so hard to be around an adult that acts like that.
i feel like a pedophile 🤯🤯🤯🤯
You know, this is what the narcissist wants... but they can become bored with you no matter what you do. And its so tiring to prop them up constantly... so much better to leave!
💯💯👍
Witness here. Battle tested. Divorcing.
In sum, be a psychopath to handle a narcissist :-)
Exactly... exactly this 👆🏾
I love this, exactly xD
Lol and they still discard u!
I'm thinking it take less effort than this to train a dog 🐕
It's not my greatest aspiration to become a psychopath together with a narcissist, how nice it is to be alone
What kind of life would that be..fluffing the narc all day all night..depressing!
Many women like it
@@wothin women?
@@victoriacampbell5877 female narcs will do it. narc personality is to want what they don't have an if they have it they don't want it. It's like a game of cat an mouse. They can play that game for years until they find new supply.
@@victoriacampbell5877 yes
@@chriscorbart basically a relationship with a narc is a superficial relationship. The narc sells a image. They either want a doormat or a partner in crime.
This is so funny AND so sad. Looking at it from the outside, it’s hard to see how we’ve let a little child trapped in the body of a grown person drive us into such a state. Reminding ourselves that they are kids and they’re living in an imaginary world, made possible only because of us (supply), allows us to take back our power.
Please choose yourself!! Don’t stay in this unhealthy relationship.
ThNk you for bringing this clarity
@@Earthether whatever your situation is that’s causing you to feel stuck, I pray that you can see yourself in a better place, so that you can create that energy and reality. You are worthy and deserving. I know all situations are different and people stay for different reasons- I definitely respect and understand that. You can and you will overcome this. Love and light. 💞
@@AlwaysHope2019 💜💞
It sick
Well said!
He wants your body, not your soul!
he wants to kill your soul
Beautifully said. They want what you can do for them. Your soul does nothing for their gain. Your opinions are not welcome, even if you agree.
O he wants your soul just not in the nice ways 🤣
He wants your soul b/c he doesnt hv one. He'll suck it in like a vampire!
What are they going to do with both as they are empty child like beings 😢
This video is helpful bc it explains why I acted the way I did when I was with a narc. I mirrored his behavior as a defense mechanism. After I left him I spent a lot of time analyzing my past behavior to confirm with myself that I actually wasn’t a narc also. I had to mirror him while I was with him to be able to survive.
While you're with them, it's like being in an alternate reality. They aren't like "normal" people and the cognitive dissonance it creates in your mind keeps you trying to fix it. It took me almost 6 years to wake up. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but ... damn!
Yes it really help me alot
I'm going to get through this with 🙏
@@KiKi-te9yd 😂😂😂 same
@@mensatic yes ELily the Cognitive Dissonance..even that at first caused me to doubt myself at first..but it's undeniable at some point. Good Luck
Sam Vaknin: You have to leave your narcissist.
You: I dunno... I dont wanna.
Sam Vaknin: Ok then, this is what you have to do if you want to stay.
You: 'boards a space shuttle and leaves the planet narcissist lives on'
😭😭😭 not a space shuttle.
Exactly my thought..
yes! so great
@@karriesaunders8597 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅 I had to laugh. Oh God help us !
Basically, you suggested to eliminate the meaning of your existence to be with him. How sad!
What is the point of keeping him when the essence of you no long exist.
I agree. How sad!
@@aniakolobius2186 for monety for example or because of fear.
Blue Snow, people who are willing to do this, obviously have no meaning in their existence, so sadly, they have nothing to loose
I know two women that did that ! One will direct or indirect kill her the other is a life of confusion and torture ! Stupid much comes to mind !!
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. How to treat a narcissist like a god and keep a straight face. It is a farce. U have to be dumb or unconscious. Thank u Sam.
@@sibbebladh8661 Got sense of humor? Nah.
Me too!!!
My favorite line was "You do not have administrator rights, you are just a user".
Made me spit my coffee clean across the bedroom. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Same!! It's the concise manner in which he articulates and delivers this otherwise fuckry tips that has me rolling. 😁😂 😭 😂 he said "be nothing less than thunderstruck by the narc, be in awe of them" 😂😂 I- cannot.
Lolol😂😂😂😂
Very good advice. You are very wise.Thank you.
It's like completing forgetting you exist and living in a complete false world.
very accurate! holy shit
Yep ....I am out
It is incredibly difficult to heal from the narcissistic abuse. But please believe me, once you leave your self esteem will return. It took me 3 years. It is a long hard road, but you will never heal if you stay with him/her
FACTS!
A negative mindset literally pulls everything inward towards them. At a subatomic level, energy ripples towards the nucleus of atoms instead of away...
This is why narcissists are soooooooo drainingggg
yes! thank you for reminder. I come watch those videos when I start thinking of the narc, especially the good sides. I know it is the trap.
Screw that! Just walk away.
True! I just divorced my narcissist husband today.
Well looks like you didnt actually watch this video. That is the message here if course; this man is the original "no contact with the narcissist" doctor.
@@shaznieffahzakaria7881right behind you
Dr. Sam, your work is incredible. You are a blessing to many. I laughed so hard in this video, bc I understood that your shocking advices on “how to stay” were just the blunt realities on why NOT to stay. 😊 you are appreciated, please continue your good works. 🙏🏻 many blessings.
When I was married I LITERALLY did all the things that Sam said to do to "keep" one.... It killed my soul. I've been divorced for 3yrs and I've never been better. I'm a single mom with 5 kids and I am doing better than when I was married to him, which just seems bizarre.. I do have to co-parent. My kids already can tell something is wrong with him, they were aware before the divorce, it's hard because they love their Dad but they don't even want to be with him as much as they have to be... The weirdest thing he ever said, but makes perfect sense now, is when I was reading and changing my daughter he said.. "I wish you treated me and loved me like that."
Really creep. But now I understand.... BUUUUTTT!!! NEVER GO BACK! DON'T STAY!
If you do you gotta realize there's something really wrong with you too.
Omg my narc was jelous of my cuddling with my cat or particularly enjoying a treat!
I'm so happy you were able to break free with your babies! I can scarcely imagine the absolute strength and resolve to be able to achieve that. I hope you and your family are all safe and happy and thriving. I have 3 (1 adult and 2 under 10) and I'm so scared of my next move. I'm in the stage now where I'm on the verge of losing health of body and mind if I don't leave. It's so sad and tiring. I educate myself and it helps a lot but I literally fear a life without his mirage and that really makes me doubt my inner resolve
Glad to know I did everything wrong to keep the narc happy 😆
0
😅😅 same
Ha ha
hahah thanks for this laugh!!! true true true, joke is on him
I wish I knew this guy and his channel in the early 90's! He should be in every high school educating our young ones before they get into a relationship!
Rightly said... I literally want this knowledge to be imparted through school education, it's that important
When put this way, absolutely I do not want to stay with my ex-narc. It took hearing it a different way to really understand that my marriage would never have lasted.
Right?! Absolute perfection!!!
This video really highlighted the lengths and depths (especially the depths) that we can sink to. A different approach in this teaching, that P Sam described the behaviors, the role one must play as/if they choose to continue the relationship with a narc. Woe.
So basically I must kill everything about me to be with him. Make him happy and be miserable until my death.
Add to that they will never give you credit for doing it for them....and if they do it will be because you are weak 😵😵💫
@@gwenwood6136 They will tell you I never told you to do it
I will be sure to do the complete opposite of what you suggested 😜
Hahaha" look Thunderstrucked" cracked me up.
genius!!! 😁
It is hilarious but absolutely true.
Dear Monica .Only laughing ..Now.Wasn't so funny then.
Hahahahah I lol at that part too!
That part tickled me for the longest😂😂
I foolishly did ALL of this for my ex narc. He still discarded me and never returned.
Good for you!!!
I did as well but I finally got enough!! I just couldn't do it anymore. I was broken!
Thank God!
Well I was wrong! my ex came back last week knocking at my door ! I didnt answer it !
@@krystlelewis1489 how long did it take for him to return?
Looks like you just described Ghislaine Maxwell's strategy for dealing with Epstein. Seems it was mutually beneficial for both.
She is a narcissist too.
So true
@@loopy4laughs ĺĺllllll
Her father was Mossad (Israeli intelligence). If anything, she was more powerful than Epstein as her father controlled all of it. Side note, she has a submarine license. Hmmm 🤔 I wonder why.
Yes, this is strongly inadvisable. You would lose yourself completely and become an utter nutcase trying to maintain this.
He's obviously using humor to get folks to leave narcissist
facts
The ending was so empowering I have written it down to read and re read and keep as a promise to myself which I will stand strong and apply . Thankyou Dr. Sam Vaknin
31:33- My resolutions:
Victims of abuse cannot afford a cavalier attitude
Our mental and physical health depend on strictly observing the following promises to yourself -
1 - I will treat myself with dignity I will demand respect from others I will not allow anyone to disrespect me
2 - I will set clear boundaries and I will let other people know what is permissible and acceptable Behavior and what is off limits and out of bounds
3 - I will not tolerate abuse I will not tolerate abhorrition in any shape or form or co-disguise I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally and if i cant i walk away
4 I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs wishes and expectations
I will not be arrogant but I will be confident
i will be assertive I will not be
self-effacing i will not be Meek
I will not be selfish
I will not be grandiose
i will not be narcissistic
I will not be haughty
but I willI love myself I will care for myself
I come first in the best sense of the word
For me to love others I must love myself
For me to take care of others i must first take care of myself
5 I will get to know myself better I will study myself I will make myself a topic of study I will render myself my project
6 I will treat other people as I want them to treat me I will try to lead by way of example
7 If I am habitually disrespected , If I am regularly abused or if my boundaries are constantly ignored and breeched i will go no contact I will break up I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith . zero Tolerance! zero tolerance ! first strike and you’re out And no second chance. Good luck.
How’s this going? It’s easy to say, but can be hard to do.
Thank you!
Thanks ❤
I relate very well to this video. My husband is very wealthy and we lived an amazing lifestyle. All on his terms of course. To give him up and his bad behaviour, I had to also give up the lifestyle, my home and my financial security.
At the time I was just working it out that he was a covert narcissist. I did not have the knowledge I have now and always wondered if I could of stayed.
Well it's over 2 years since I left him. The bad narcissism behaviour was 10 fold since leaving.
Many court appearances and three months now until a property settlement trial, that he can't possibly win.
After listening to this video by Sam I realized that staying would of been a lifetime of abuse. He would of been a full time job x 2. Keeping myself sane would of been beyond challenging.
I have surprised myself with my strength and courage. Moved states. I have a job. Bought my own home and brought him to court.
He told me 'I was nothing' the day I left.
Well I guess he was wrong.
Too all the people out there, fighting the fight against being abused by a narcissist, soldier on. Be steadfast, unwavering and bull headed.
No contact is your best weapon.
Amen! My story precisely…just now going through the separation. I haven’t worked in years. I’m scared to death but I just can’t live like this anymore. I have the lifestyle and EVERYTHING a woman could want, except the “man” himself” , and I feel as if I’ve literally died of starvation inside. It’s time!
@@ashleyh5101 😢 my heart goes out to you. You CAN do this!!! In 53 and worked my whole life. I grew up poor and lived on a shoestring until I married him at 42..,I can’t take it anymore. And even though I make more than him.. pay the mortgage - that I’m not even on!!! I’m STILL scared to be in my own. I have to give up the big house, all the stupid Narc gifts. I can do it too! Slowly but each day I inch closer!
You can too!!
We might be nothing, but the narcissist is even less than nothing
@ashleyh5101 me too1 married less than a year, DV divorcing
Denise, hope you still doing weĺl!🙏🏻🤗
Thank you for this. Being detached and unaffected by the narcissist’s unwanted behavior is key. My ex was like a dog that could sense fear or a shark that could smell blood in the water from miles away. He knew when I wasn’t feeling good about him...regardless of how hard I tried to conceal it. I’m far too sensitive and transparent (not to mention self-respecting) for these strategies. No contact it is, and shall remain.
I am the exact same way. Its like people can smell it on me. Not just my narc ex but other people as well. I am currently trying to go no contact (also with a restraining order) but he is still finding ways to get to me. I am honestly fearful for my life! I have done as much healing and moving on as I can but I feel his behavior is escalating for sure. It has been so many years and I am still being used as supply, even his gf is helping him. I hope things change soon but I am fearful it will end badly. I hope someone can save this comment incase something happens to me. I feel its only a matter of time. He has abused me and threatened my life with a loaded gun in the past and I am afraid that won't be the worst thing he does to me. I hope someone remembers me
Heather McDowell please find a safe place with safe people to look after you. There are so many resources out there. Wishing you health and wellness and praying for your safety. 🙏🏾✨
@@meaganharris9785 thank you so much! I wish I could feel safe at home with my husband and children but unfortunately as of late this has been the very place he decides to try to intimidate and stalk me. He's refused to meet in public places and is insisting on coming to my home and me going to his. Ro has only been in effect for a few weeks but he is using other people to get around it.
@@heathermichelle7261 Feed a poor family every week, and God will protect you. Like 15 dollars in food.
@@heathermichelle7261 Hi there, just saw this and wanted to check in on you. It has been a year now, and your narc sounds quite scary. Mine has some pretty bad behaviors, too, so I understand where you are coming from. I hope you are doing okay, and even more, I hope you are out and safe! ❤
I didn’t know that you originated the no contact method and mirroring techniques.You are so insightful and honest about the narcissist dynamic.Thank you for highlighting the intricacies of the situation.
I did it too in 1997 , I knew that only way to keep my sanity is to cut all contact with her. She broke through some open holes of communication couple of times in the next 20 years, but I healed and moved on.
This makes me sick to my stomach to hear. I lived with my narc for 18 years conditioned to behave in this way. I lost all of myself and became everything for him. I thought this was the only way to survive. My children and I suffered greatly and still do from his behavior.
Luckily you didn't get married to him, like I did!! 11 years of fake marriage
@@dawnevans0602 we were married before he walked out on me and our children. I only said lived because we are in a 2 year long divorce that he is dragging me and our children through it all. Going on 3 years and so much money wasted on attorney fees from ridiculous pleadings.
@@jaimehuffman298 I understand! I'm on that one too! Good Luck with everything!
@@dawnevans0602 Thank you and you as well 👍🏽
i wish i knew this about him.. blaaahhhhhhh
Forget about yourself and adulate them every day. Drain yourselves and lose yourself and also let them cheat because they are cheaters and liars. Let them get away with it 😂😅
Mine fancies himself the next Jim Jone's, wants people to follow and worship him.
You live in the White House?
I'm at the point in my life where I do not want a relationship. So a narcissist who has great sexual talents is very welcome. I'll never trust them so we have to meet at a hotel not allowed in my house 😂
🤣
You know!!!!!
😂😂😂😂😂
I've seen so many videos on narcissists, etc. but this one is the best by far! It tells you straight as it is. Do's and don'ts. "If you wish to stay, go ahead, but don't tell me I didn't tell you so." I am trully thankful for this video, it helped me see a bigger/clearer picture. I've been struggling with leaving, but becoming a robot is smth I simply will not allow myself. Thank you for this!
Mine has pointed out I speak to him like a robot...lol
I was talking like robot too 🤖
This was my 20 year relationship with my ex. How embarrassing! Now, someone else has this fine position. I'm so happy for her! 😄
Are you actually?
I'm terrified for my narcs next "realationship" I wouldn't wish him upon anyone.
Laura C A person who cheats on their spouse is despicable and their lover isn’t much better. I’m not about to worry for a person who doesn’t have the morals to stop themselves from having an affair with a married person and doesn’t consider the feelings of that person’s spouse. Cheaters can’t be trusted. They made the choice to ignore the fact that it’s typical for cheaters to tell lies about the state of their marriage and to ignore the lack of morals in the object of their affection. They’ve first hand knowledge that they’re with or have married a person that will cheat on their spouse. If misfortune falls upon them, it’s karma. They behaved immorally.
@@RoxyAnny..8b what you talking about? Who's talking about cheaters and morals. I'm saying I wouldn't wish my narc ex on anyone
Laura C I’m sorry I confused you. I know what you said so I could have worded my comment better. My intent was to show how my view is different than yours and more like Cathie who you were replying to. No criticism on you, nobody right or wrong here. Although taking the high road as you have can easily be argued as having more merit. I did feel as you do until I realized their relationship started while I was still married to him. I don’t think she deserves trauma nor do I wish it for her. But it’s what one risks when making poor choices so I don’t have a lot of empathy for her either.
@@laura42321 when I found out about her, I tried to talk to her, woman to woman. I told her that I did not know about her, I was not ok with their arrangement, and there was another woman as well. She accused me of lying to her to "upset her" and that I was manipulative. From then on, there was no talking to her and she deserves everything she gets. She's been with him now for 5 years. She's a good supply.
...and then, after you do all of this, for say, oh, your entire life, he starts getting old, and his body and mind are not as sharp as they once were, which makes him angry.
That makes me very sad...No Hope they can feel real Love ...have a Heart liké us ...No Hope they reciprocate our unconditionnel love ...it breaks m'y Heart ....
I wish i could be the one to heal his inner child. But only he or God can...
I totally resonate with this comment. I thought I could heal the narc without knowing that this was incurable. I never wanted to give up any hope that people can be healed completely.
This was a masterclass in using the reactance of co-dependants who, like narcissists, are also arrested in their development and often exhibit behaviors of a young child, thus the effectiveness of the reverse-psychology. Bravo Sam!
Yes Amen Dr! The behaviors that affect me, I can modify to set me Free. Thank You for your words and love to help us all. I will Treat myself with dignity. Set boundaries. No tolerating abuse. I will not be arrogant be humble. I must take care of myself. I am my own Project. Zero tolerance. Amen.
Thanks Sam🇺🇸🛐
They are way too much work. Worth it at the beginning but less and less as time goes by. Getting predictable and not that interesting. The only fun will be to observe them like you would a lab rat with pathetic patterns. Hard to be thunderstruck when you get so unfulfilled that you get bored out of your mind. They will give you less and less and require more from you, stepping on each boundary you will set for yourself. They will trample your self confidence but try to find just enough self-respect to get away. They are like an addiction. Break the cycle. The earlier the better. They will never get better, only worse. You will never go back to the thrill of the beginning, they will groom you to be satisfied with less and less crumbs. Save yourself.
100% true.
How to keep the narcissist : become the linoleum under the doormat
Facts 🎯💯
Mine i lost through i could not send anymore money i was with him nearly 6 years he promised to send me back the money i lent him it was my repair money for my house i am devestated i trusted him but got betrayed instead
So to stay with a narsissist is to allow him to cheat and lie and show empathy without asking question.. I’d better stay single 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ahaha you are right 😂
likely you'll be alone anyway
Over my dead body
XD “you can be overtly manipulative with your compliments and they will not notice”
Truth
LMAO, true
😅🤣🤣🤣
My narc starved me of simple gestures of affection and consideration. He acted haughty and dismissive. He said “ no talking, no touching”. My body reacted to his unfairness: my hair fell out in clumps. My mind fell into despair while my aching heart cried to hold onto him. Divided self is a recipe for mental illness. Dating a shitty person is an unmitigated disaster.
@Eun Chung you found yourself a heartless robot. Did you know that sex robots can show you better affection? Not saying that you should get one with the fact that one can get affection from a robot says something about this human narc.
"Dating a shitty person is an unmitigated disaster"...truer words were never spoken.
That one's gonna stay with me for a while...thank you. 👌
Ugh -- I feel that risk! Thanks for sharing.
Sorry .
sorry to hear that you had to go through. In my experience, there was a distance physically so it was same as 'no talking, no touching' but it was necessary because I am pretty sure that if it was close in phyical distance, the narc could have been physically abusive towards me. It was almost guaranteed as I observed our communications online so I was assured that the distances were meant to protect me from the Narc.
Absolutely brilliant. I had to leave the narcissist, he was abusive but Sam Vaknin hits all nails on the head.
My narcissist gets so excited when he talks about making food in his job. He's the one who "makes the dressing the best." No one makes it like him. I'll praise it from now on lmaoooo
Write an email to his boss like you’re the customer and tell him how good the dressing is 😂😂😂
@@MinnieTyko genius lol
Yes!! And tell him that nobody could ever do what he does and that he should sell it so the whole world can see how truly intelligent and successful he is lol
Lol im screaming but yesssss
My ex narc always was the best on his job, he even said the CEO didn't know what he was doing 🤣
I wanted to be his long lost mother but I also wanted to be his Wife. My conflict; nurturing a boy yet wanting to love a man. We disagreed. I had to discard him. Tragedy.