Artist With Alzheimer's Disease Draws Himself as Condition Progresses
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- Опубликовано: 3 окт 2024
- William Utermohlen, an artist who suffered with Alzheimer's, has provided the world with perhaps its clearest visual representation of the effects of the disease - one that is both fascinating and chilling.
"William Utermohlen was born in south Philadelphia in 1933. He studied art at the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts from 1951 to 1957 and on the G.I. bill at the Ruskin School of Art in Oxford in 1957-58. In 1962 he settled in London, where he met and married the art historian Patricia Redmond. In 1967 he received his first important London show at the Marlborough gallery. London life and London characters have most particularly marked his numerous portraits which constitute one of the richest aspects of his work. In the 1980s he painted two major murals for two great North-London institutions, the Liberal Jewish Synagogue at Saint John’s Wood and the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead.
Apart from portraits, still lives and drawings from the model Bill's art can be arranged in six clear thematic cycles: The "Mythological" paintings of 1962-63, the "Cantos" of 1965-1966 inspired by Dante's Inferno, the "Mummers" cycle of 1969-1970 depicting characters from South Philadelphia's New Year’s Day parade, the "War" series of 1972 alluding to the Vietnam war, the "Nudes" of 1973-74 and finally the "Conversation Pieces", the great decorative interiors with figures, of 1989-1991.
In 1995 Bill Utermohlen was diagnosed as suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Signs of his illness are retrospectively apparent in the work of the early 90s notably in the “Conversation Pieces”. These works, which can be seen as a celebration of Patricia and William’s life together, describe the warmth and happiness of their apartment and the joy they took in the companionship of friends. However, signs of the disease that is about to strike William are also apparent in the shifting perceptions of space, objects, and people. They are premonitions of a new world of silence and sensory deprivation about to close in on the artist. Clearly the artist’s most openly biographical pictures, this cycle centers on his wife, his friends, and his immediate environment: the objects, books, and paintings that have made his life meaningful and towards which he feels the greatest attachment.
In his last works, the self-portraits of 1995-2000 William's style changes dramatically. Terror, sadness, anger and resignation are expressed as the artist fights to preserve his artistic consciousness against the gradual progress of dementia.
In Blue Skies 1995, his last large painting, William paints his reaction to his diagnosis: a devastated figure holding on to a table as on to a raft in the blue bleakness of an empty studio. The artist was admitted to the national hospital for neurology and neurosurgery at Queen Square and supervised by a team led by Dr. Martin Rossor and nurse Ron Isaacs. While at the hospital, William was encouraged to continue drawing and to portray himself. These drawings became the subject of a notable article published in June 2001 in the British medical journal The Lancet.
Patricia Utermohlen comments on this time: “as each small self-portrait was completed, William showed it to his nurse, Ron Isaacs. Ron visited the studio, photographing every new work. Ron’s conviction that William’s efforts were helping to increase the understanding of the deeply psychological and traumatic aspects of the disease undoubtedly encouraged William to continue.”
The last self-portraits, painted between 1995 and 2001, are indeed unique artistic, medical, and psychological documents. They portray a man doomed yet fighting to preserve his identity and his place in the world in the face of an implacable disease encroaching on his mind and senses. With courage and perseverance, the artist adapts at each point his style and technique to the growing limitations of his perception and motor skills to produce images that communicate with clarity and economy from within his predicament. To the very end, color, brushwork, and line retain their artistic and expressive vocation, the result of a lifetime dedicated to visual and psychological observation and the faithful rendering of facts.
William Utermohlen made his last drawings in pencil from 2000 to 2002. He was taken care of by his wife, friends, and caregivers at home until his deterioration made his admission to the Princess Louise nursing home necessary in 2004. He died in Hammersmith hospital in London on March 21, 2007."
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Dead dog
Yummy
Did you use everywhere at the end of time for the soundtrack?
Cliff young ultramarathon runner would make a great tale from the bottle
Why don't you make more content? All your stories are awesome.
BTW, "Takes from the Bottle" is an awesome name!
The worst part at points it feels like he reclaimed a small bit of himself before losing it again.
yeah, there were times his arts were almost uninteligible until you could make out a face again, unfortunately that didnt happen with the last few drawings
@@user-df4zw7yb4v well i could kinda make out a head with the last one but maybe its just me
@@amethyst4578 I assume that is from one the moments where he could actually think. He made maybe half or so of an actual head, and then forgot again. If you look close enough, you can make out nicely drawn eyes.
I work at a nursing home and have have this one guy with this disease and man it sucks. His wife comes to see him less and less. Every time she leaves she looks like she's going to vomit. He doesn't remember her at all. Everybody suffers.
@@isaacm5339 aww i feel bad for him dose she want to vomit out of disgust or sadness? It's over all an unfortunate thing to have your loved one forget you, your slowly watching them pass away..
That is the worst thing for an artist, "forgetting how to draw" artist spend a life time to study how to draw
For any of us really. What are we without memories?
@@ifrit35 Nothing.
@@grav8455 precisely
Nothing
Your talents are sand in the wind, but the art you produce at least adds to the temple of humanity. It makes you immortal, especially nowadays.
The worst thing is that in 2001 he just lost his soul completely, he was practically dead... but he died 6 years later. Imagine how his desease was in 2007...
Yeah thats what i thought. 2001 he couldnt identify a single facial feature of his own face, and he continued to live for 6 more years. Scary stuff.
I can’t even imagine what it must feels like to live like that...
@@notxon300 Like I saw in a comment in eateot, "alzheimer is like a bad joke from the devil".
@@7waterdrops_7 sadly, I think he slowly forgot he's alive as well before he died. Might sound like I'm mocking him now, but it could actually be a fact.
@@al3x_ter
Oh my god that’s so sad... imagine just forgetting that you’re alive because your brain is dying... that’s so horrible...
Scary part is, that last drawing was in 2001.
*He didnt die until 2007.*
That’s is not just scary but tragic as well
He wasn’t drawing that by skill
He was physically drawing himself
Amagine a drawing of what thinks he looks like at 2007
@@dem7205 probably just like some hair lines on a piece of paper
Even at the point where "Erased Head" was created (The last self-portrait shown here), he still managed to do an interview.
What he said on the creation of his self-portraits was:
"[Dementia] makes me anxious because I like to produce good work and I know good work, but it's just so sad when you feel you cannot do it... It was in sense of opportunity to have something so interesting to happen to you... You have to approach something like this positively and throw yourself into it... It's not fighting back, you can't fight it. But I wanted to understand what was happening to me in the only way I can."
This was in 2001.
@@triggerfish4744 more like, a paper torn apart by the person who has forgotten how to grab something
The last two portraits are absolutely chilling... and then you realize he lived for SEVEN years after that, you have to wonder what he experienced in those years, how completely un-perceivable. The final portrait reminds me of “Giygas” for those of you who have played earthbound, it’s fucking horrifying.
Omfg ur so right. If this man played mother 2 he would get fucked up
The man was on his way to transcending humanity.
there were a few where the portraits where looking directly at the viewer and they are chilling to the core, the last few you can tell he's already gone
@@richpryor9650 pretty fucked thing to say tbh
@@thefirstbushman How so?
Alzheimer's is by far the worst fate I could imagine being condemned to
also cancer
@@nikolay-avokadunskiy you still can have a life with your loved ones while having cancer also a lot of cancer is being able to be treated well.
Any degenerative disease - whether it is of the body (like Cancer) or brain (like Alzheimer's), is a horrible thing. It is literally a slow and painful death. And I hate and fear it.
The concept of my entire life fading away and not being able to do anything about it is terrifying. I’d rather just be put down at that point.
@@yupyup8305 no it isn’t, you have not heard of cancer.
Stage 1: usually curable, uncommon to be discovered at this stage
Stage 2: like flipping a coin, you could get worse, most of the time they find you at this rate but many times it is too late.
Stage 3: they can find you here but you have to get therapy as quick as possible
Stage 4: no return, a lot of people are found here in this stage
Cancer isn’t easy and in many cancers while you don’t lose your brain functions you slowly watch your life become more miserable until you finally give up and death lets you go
Those last few drawings genuinely filled me with a kind of raw terror that I can't quite put into words.
Its the terror of lose, each piece loses more and more detail becoming rough blocky losing more and more characteristics of him until even details such as eyes nose and his mouth is gone until it's just a sketch of a head. No hair, no face, nothing but a shape. It's terrifying visualizing the worsening of Alzheimers. He makes the video creepier with the background music beginning joyful and happy with the young art ( minus Korean War painting) and the music gets distorted. Like the musician doesn't know how to play. Till there just static noise. Truly horrifying. More terrifying then any horror movie or scary story
Almost exactly what I was going to say. Horrible way to go :(
Its a strange horror that I believe is linked with the same impending doom that death has. It isnt exactly death for your body, but its the knowledge that you, your personality and all the experiences will disappear. Maybe you will notice it happening, yet the very concept of knowing you have an illness could disappear. Its a creature that ceaselessly hunts you down and you cannot comprehend its existence. The unknown is the most terrifying to man, and becoming one with the unknown is death beyond death.
Horrifying
The last two, they are so distant from what we would perceive visually as a person. But there is enough semblance, just enough rhyme and reason. Albeit only a little. It makes a person look and ask themselves "is somebody there?".
Art can be beautiful because of the love and passion put into it. But last one was different, it had sadness and despair too
Alzheimer’s is one of the worst diseases that exists since this not only affects the bearer but the ones around them. And not in the same way as cancer does since when you have cancer you can still fade away knowing it’s your daughter and son sitting beside you.
I hate that my aunt has this. She used to be so loving. Now...ugh...
ruclips.net/video/n0deILAcmkk/видео.html
Wdym it's one of the few that affects the people around them? My dad has cancer and severe anemia (around a month ago, he had to go to the ER and receive 5 units of blood; the human body has around 10 units). Idk I'd say seeing him get weaker and weaker, to the point where 1.5 years ago, he was able to move objects weighing 200lbs. Now, he's barely able to walk.
Sorry I just haven't been able to express how scared I am with others very well
@@ghostrighter6530 stop this is extremely serious
Terminal Lucidity
@@Jay-fn2wz dont be crazy bro. Do what you gotta do
When you started showing his drawings as his conditioned worsened it felt like a psychological horror game to insanity
it's sad 💔
It's scary, but at the same time it's sad
It’s sad and the music is pretty creepy tbh
“The caretakers: everywhere at the end of time” isn’t a game but if you don’t know what its is id say its worth a search
I know I felt it too
Honestly, this is one of the worst ways to go.
I would rather kill myself than go like this
I think paralysis is worse because you cant move either
@@iona5439 I agree but imagine knowing that slowly and surely, you will deteriorate and you’ll will be none the wiser.
Yeah, bro, just drop a yertior on my head, anxiety is not fun
@@nikonordman7624 I agree, I'd rather die knowing who I am and what I've done than slowly degrade like this.
My grandma died two weeks ago from Alzheimer’s. She was on life support for the last 4-5 years. She always had her mouth open, her teeth were pretty much gone. Her body was so skinny, she was practically a skeleton. There was no hope for her, and yet my aunts and uncles insisted in keeping her alive. When she stopped being able to eat they put a feeding tube in her. Sometimes they thought they saw a glimmer of remembrance in her face. All I know is that in those last few months, she always looked like she was silently screaming for the end. She died “naturally”.
Is it wrong that I’m happy she’s finally gone? Surely she’s at peace now?
Edit: It’s been a bit more than a year now. I’m so thankful for all the support I’ve seen. When I wrote this comment, I was angry at the situation, and I still greatly dislike how my family handled it.
But that ache of loss has long waned and turned into acceptance. She didn’t deserve the end she got. No one does.
My only hope is that one day, Alzheimer’s can be managed and treated. No one deserves to suffer such a fate, and no one should have to watch.
You might be happy she is gone because deep down you know how much pain she was going through. She is in a better place now and she is out of her pain
No, I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. You’re clearly an empathetic person; it’s difficult to see a loved one in pain. Illnesses, especially Alzheimer’s, are extremely tragic, and I genuinely wish you and your family the best.
Its totally fine. My granpa died two months ago aswell and he had respiratory failure, doctor said that the only way he could stay alive is by having a tube that supported him oxygen. We had him on the tube for awhile but aside from the fact that we had financial problems, my mom and uncles decided to just let him go so that he wouldn't suffer any longer because he was already having a hard time before coming to the hospital, and his heart already stopped once and was just revived. As you said, your grandma has been on life support for some years, she probably would've wanted to finally be in peace instead, same with my grandpa, as how I know him, he would've probably also agreed with his children's decision. I hope you and your family the best during these times ❤️
I sympathize with this. My grandfather died last year, and he spent his last couple years with dementia. I could tell he was barely there anymore, always listless and lifeless, only coming alive to express terror or confusion or suffering. He was a navy seal in life, who would have chosen death if he could have, to die with strength and honor intact. It’s a difficult moral question. I know there was a part of me that wished he had died sooner. But regardless, it’s over now. Our loved ones aren’t suffering anymore, wherever they are - I believe even a pessimistic nothingness is better than that bullshit. Despite that, I try to tell myself that life is worth living, even the last fleeting moments of it, because once it’s over it might be over forever. But I might change my tune when I meet the same fate. We’ll never know until we are there, and then it’s a one way glass cage.
Whatever’s happened to her, it’s better than what she was going through at the end, I promise.
Like many people here, I lost my grandma to Alzheimer’s. From what the caretakers described, she was always so frustrated when she couldn’t remember things, which really makes sense. However, she still tried to make everyone happy and was always singing when she was at the nursing home. When grandma was alive, she just loved to sing and laugh. She was also a potter that owned a pottery studio with a really cool apartment above it! She was probably the most cheerful and positive person I’ve ever known.
When she was on her deathbed, it was like her entire personality was gone. She was just... There. Not moving, but awake. No expression on her face. Practically looked like a skeleton. The smell in the room also seemed like she was already dead.
She never stopped looking towards me though. I later found out from my mom that even before my grandma was sent to a nursing home, she had pictures of me everywhere. I would go up to her house occasionally and I could see some on the fridge, but I didn’t think much of it. As it turns out, she also had loads more in rooms I didn’t go in to.
Grandma had known the deterioration was beginning to start at some point way back before we even noticed it. Sometime when I was just a little kid I think. Even though she had other grandchildren, she was absolutely hellbent on remembering me until she died. It’s probably because I was the youngest of them, but the fact that she pulled out all the stops still makes me cry. In fact, I’m actually starting to now.
The reason grandma was looking towards me was because she remembered me. She might not have been able to make me out completely, but she managed to get me so deep into her mind that not even this horrible disease could erase me from her mind. Grandma could see my face and know that while everyone else looked kind of familiar, she knew I was family. She didn’t even look at anyone else except for me, which made me feel really guilty. Everyone loved her so much, but I didn’t want to take away their last moments with her.
I actually left the room because I didn’t want to make everyone else upset since grandma was looking at me. I also couldn’t handle the sight and just cried uncontrollably. I managed to settle down after my mom comforted me, and I went back in to say my goodbyes. She looked at me again and I was talking to her for a good ten minutes. I don’t think she understood me, but I just didn’t want to leave her.
Finally, I felt the tears pop back up again and I left after one final ‘I love you’. Later that day, she passed.
I’m sorry that this turned into a long essay. Whenever I remember grandma and this topic pops up, I want to share my own experience and I can get carried away. If you read it all, thanks for tolerating it all!
@ThatOneThing Thank you. You won’t believe how much your reply means to me knowing that you read my experience. My grandma managed to flip the disease the bird by pounding me into her memory so much that it couldn’t get rid of me. Even though it happened almost a decade ago, I still think what she did was absolutely amazing. What I learned from her was that if you spend years and years of dedication to keep something in your mind to remember, it’ll remain even though Alzheimer’s or dementia tries to make it impossible. It might be just a tiny fragment of familiarity in the end that’s like seeing someone you saw one time passing by the sidewalk, but you’ll know that you know them. And that’s probably the most important thing anyone could ever want in their last moments from mind deterioration
my grandma probably is aware of her memory loss and is trying its hardest to stay in contact with me so she could remember me.
im not the most important kid in my family tree, but she just loved me. idk how to explain it but she just did.
right now i am trying to talk to her more, so that when she eventually passes away, she will remember me even by just a tiny bit.
this comment honestly is something that reminded me of her, and thats just nice. dont worry about it turning into a long essay, i dont mind it man
This is so heart breaking I wish you the best of wishes
Thank you for sharing. It's profound to see even against a ruthless disease, she keep fighting without even remembering. Love can find a way through the biggest hardships.
This really breaks my heart to read... I'm so sorry for your loss
My Meemaw had Alzheimer's. she was less than 80 pounds when she died at the age of 96. She didn't seem too bothered by it though. She had a daily regimen of a glass of wine and a pack of cigarettes to keep her spirits up. As a Scottish born woman, she emigrated to the USA... Twice. Even with her mental state, she remembered who I was. She was a wonderful, kind and strong woman and I miss her terribly.
I don't even know her and I miss her...
You know it’s bad when you cry for someone else...
That some incredible sheer will, her mind refusing to forget you, in fact, refusing to stop perceiving or acknowledging you. That's amazing though unfortunate, she loved you more than the Alzheimer took away.
Cap 🧢
@@dragonslayerornstein387 or maybe the plaques did not form in the part of the brain that remembered them
My grandmother was an artist as well, she's in late stage Alzheimer's now. She almost completely stopped making art a year ago, except from children's coloring pages. whenever I would color with her, she would just use one color. her favorite use was this diluted pink of the 64 crayon pack, and she would try to shade with it, make highlights, do whatever she could. The only way to communicate with her was in short, chopped sentences. "I love you", "there are leaves outside", "do you want this?" were some of her most used phrases. She forgot almost everything, but she never forgot how much she loves her grandchildren. Alzheimer's is an awful disease, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
You making me cry😭😭😭😭
"I love you"
Jesus fucking christ that mustve been so hard to deal with
IM CRYING NOW SKWKSKWKWMS
but I’m so sorry she got Alzheimer’s it’s terrible :((
@@wingedsn8670 Yeah, it hurt a lot in her late stages. But she loves visitors and never seems very down on herself, even if she doesn't know what's going on.
I feel so lucky that I’m not in your situation
Everywhere at the end of time
Alzhimers scares the shit out of me
Exactly
And the fsct that you gan just get it. You dont know how pr when you get it, until you start noticing it
Damn good album. If you have the patience to sit through the full 6 and a half hours, I recommend 10/10
Don’t remind me of that godforsaken album.
The album is about dementia
The fact that he lived 6 MORE YEARS after losing the ability to draw to that extent really shows how horrifying Alzheimer’s is. It doesn’t kill you quickly, it just makes you drift away until you’re too far gone to keep going.
Imagine living in a state of perpetual torment while you forget everything about everyone and begin to hallucinate and distort reality to further reflect the horrors which your mind is subconsciously creating while decaying into a malfunctioning mess at the same time.
If I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, immediate euthanasia is my formal request. Don’t make me live through that.
Agreed. Horrible horrible disease.
It might not be as bad as you think.
@@dadisman6731 what do you mean?
@@benjaminmontenegro3423 I assume that while it is bad from an outside perspective, the patient may not be able to perceive how bad things are since their perception degrades along with their condition.
@@dadisman6731 - It's a deeper hell than you know. After an accident I had terrible short term memory. Constantly asking where I was because I kept forgetting. Yet after my full recovery It's just too difficult to describe what it's like living with that state of mind. Imagine being you within, being lost in your own consciousness, but unable to properly express yourself with the world around you.
Imagine the pain of going into the room of your loved one with Alzheimer’s whom you spent your whole life with, growing up, going out, having fun, and now they just start off with “Who are you?” As if everything you did together with that person is lost forever.
Ughhh that’s so painful to think aboutt
I see your point, but honestly they are still quite good if they can ask a lucid question. The last few years what they say is either nonsensical if they are not all together non verbal by then.
@@debm8470 true but now when going to meet someone who has Alzheimer’s, it’s like you’re meeting a completely new person in the same body. Which is really saddening since the person you know isn’t there no more.
@@stynnguyen6085 yeah I know. Lost a parent to it....
@@debm8470 Omg!! Im so sorry for your lost. May your parent rest in peace. 🙏🏼❤️ I also hope you are doing well. 🤍
Alzheimer's scares the heck out of me, it's such a horrible existential monster that makes you go back time as time around you goes forward. It makes 'you' not 'you' anymore, slowly and gradually over time. It not only kills you, it kills your consciousness in the most gruesome of ways.
Same I just hope they have a cure to it by the time I'm around 70...
C'mon scientists you have 50 years!
@@yu-gi-lo2425 Ikr I don’t wanna deal with forgetting how to draw I’ve worked so hard...
@@yu-gi-lo2425 that wont happen since conditions like alzhiemers or dememtia make brain cells die and basically make you die overtime
@@3F1VE hmm that sucks, well at least I just checked and noone in my family over the last multiple generations had alzheimer's so thats good I guess (eventhough it doesnt run in the family aperantly)
@@yu-gi-lo2425 I learned in nursing school that many Alzheimer’s develop much earlier, some people in their late twenties. It progresses over time, sadly.
The fact he lived 6 years after he stopped painting kinda scares me, how long was he just... gone?
Definitely one of the worst fates you could have. You just have to sit there while you slowly deteriorate.
An eternity
@@popp1040 and everyone thinks that this is not gonna happen to them... When in fact mostly everyone ends up with at least some kind of dementia....that's why eutanasia it's so vital and should be legal and common practice everywhere in the fucking world... I know i sure as hell will not wait to become an old zombie with open mouth saliva dripping staring at a wall 24/7 picking my asshole with my hands and smearing my shit all over my surroundings before ending myself...
@@akaededeval374 I used to be against euthanasia but after being exposed to the horrible reality of neurodegenerative diseases my position is no longer sustainable. It is too terrible to let pass
@@akaededeval374 nah, let's all make a secret society so that when we are diagnosed we make a little war against each other and die like men. Lol, can't tell me it is the boring way out.
I'm an EMT. By far, Alzheimer's is the disease that's the most disturbing for me. At one point, I had a patient that I took back from dialysis on a somewhat frequent basis, who had Alzheimer's. Every time I transported her, another piece of herself was gone, the last time, she was only capable of screaming. I haven't had a call for her in a while. If she's passed, may she rest in peace.
Like body part? It sounds horrible
@@shiorimizuki7460 No a piece of her mind.
Ived worked in elder care a while and my moms an executive director at a different facility. Brothers a cna bla bla. Ive seen so many people go from remembering your name to forgetting theirs
Force her to get on the mic, at a death metal concert.
@@shiorimizuki7460 it’s a serious topic but I can’t “yeah man, each time that lady had to get medical attention, another one of her toes was gone. I don’t really know what was going on but it was mad weird”
Artist here. From the portraits, it looks almost like he'd forgotten how to draw, and was trying to re-learm from square one. With each piece he was gradually attempting to apply his skills and styles but wasn't able to effectively piece them together into a coherent piece. Like he forgot how to draw but his muscle memory still remembers
Musician here. If theyd use music he heard when he was in college his drawings couldve probably been way better. I use this to remember events in my life with a clear picture. I dont know if they did but it wouldve been interesting to see the results of the magical perspective shifting abilities of organized frequencies lol
Another artist here, this is exactly what I thought.
@@changoelchango interesting you say that. My grandmother has Alzheimer's unfortunately, she forgot almost everyone in her family and she doesn't have a sense of self anymore. All she does is sit and smile in confusion. Recently we brought her to our new house and she let us know that she wanted to listen to this particular band and we were shocked when we heard her singing the words and notes perfectly and it brought us to tears. She had forgotten everything but her favorite song
@@kimeen4494 Oh that's so sad, I hope the best for you and your family.
Terrence here. How ya doin', ehh?
Alzheimer's is a terrible way to go.
" As late as the year before, his biographer Edmund Morris reported, Reagan was still strong enough to rake leaves from the family pool, but even that basic household chore had become tinged with sadness.
"He will rake leaves for hours, not realizing that they are being surreptitiously replenished by his Secret Service men," Morris wrote."
Oh god
Secret service men? What?
That must be so incredibly sad to witness. But in a weird way supplying more leaves for him to rake adds a little bit of wholesomenes. People with Alzheimer can get very angry when they are not allowed to do what they want and can get very happy when they're allowed. I read a story about someone's Granddad once for example. He would go out to the store almost everyday to buy some fishing gear. Everytime the same things. His Wife had a whole room arranged to store all the gear he bought. And he was happy doing that so she was too. I think he/she wrote that after he died his wife sold all the gear and divided the money along with the inheritance.
@@BobbyLewis If I recall presidents after they're presidents always have secret service security people for the rest of their lives
@@chupacabra_bites7201 They used to. Clinton will be the last one. Bush onwards only have secret service for 10 years
an absolute departure from "normal" Qxir video's but well done kid, this is very heavy and touching as I, myself, am on the long slow decline of dementia, I am only 52 but age doesn't care and it is early. I am hoping for a decade or more before it becomes so bad that need help. It is frustrating as even trying to write this, the words escape me.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Never give up the fight!
I am so sorry. I am truly so sorry. If I could take your helplessness away, I would break it into little pieces for the world to bear in a manner so insignificant nobody would feel a thing. Just know that someone out here genuinely hurts for you. Someone you’ve never met cares. I hope there is some solace to be had in that. If there isn’t, I wish there was. I hope relief is frequent and life fulfilling everyday you have left.
@@jessered8391 that was beautiful
Thank you for sharing
I wish you the best.
as an artist, this video makes my stomach heavy. I cannot imagine the thing i love doing, the thing I spend years polishing being taken away from me slowly. I honestly had tears in my eyes when I saw the guidelines at the near end of the video and the way he drew an oval to represt the face in the last potrait. as a an artist, one of the first things you ever learn is to draw those guidelines to make it easier for you, it really broke my heart. its not just art, it's literally anything. I saw so many comments here and read what many skills this disease snatched from their loved ones. it's really amazing how muscle memory works and that he still shaded so well and even gave two dots at the end as eyes. it's so disheartening that he continued to live 6 more years after his last potrait, completely lifeless and probably forgot he once used to draw. may he rest in peace and hopefully we will find a cure in the near future.
My grandmother turns 90 in 2 months. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2012. She seems to be perfectly functional and lucid, but if you spend more than 5 minutes with her, it becomes clear that she can't really remember anything past 1970 and can't retain new memories. We asked her a few days ago if she knows how old she was. Her answer was 39 years old.
Alzheimer is very traitorous disease
dude thats actually fucking scary what the hell
Jesus
Damn... god bless her
The ironic thing is that she is happy. Her sense of humor is still there and she can keep up with shorter conversations. She can't remember places, people or events but lives in a single moment instead. Thankfully my grandfather is still in perfect health and remembers things for her.
His last one was in 2000, maybe 2002?
*the poor guy didn’t die until 2007. Imagine the pain of that.*
When you're already die but your body refused to do the same thing...
@@syawalhamidi Undertale determination in real life. Must be like this
@@alextheconfuddled8983like the amalgams? Yea.. that's sad. Being alive but 'you' are no longer there
@@Lyrical14369 I was envisioning more of the Undyne neutral route killing her
@@alextheconfuddled8983 i don't remember what happens to her in neutral, unless you mean her deteriorating in genocide
The last 3 are terrifying, they don't resemble a human, and it just shows how far his mind had went by then
You can see in the 2nd to last one that he was trying to make a human face, but he forgot how to do it.
the 1997 one his face just slid off his face,
1998 doesn't even look like a face, if I could see a face it looks like its screaming
1999 just makes me cry, he was trying so hard to try to make a decent human face
2000 just looks like a distorted normal face without eyes, the nose is where the eyes should be,
2001 not even human like, why is there a 8 by its head, remember these are SELF portraits he was trying to draw himself
@@cheeseburgerconsumer There are multiple 1997,1998, and 1999 paintings, timestamps or order?
And the thing is, he lived 6 years longer, but he was really already dead by the time he drew his last painting
My grandma (also known as the coolest person ever) has alzhimers, and i am so deeply sad about this. We can't go visit her because of Covid-19. Everthing sucks.
I'm in tears. He even looks like my grandfather. I'm sorry grandpa..
@sagx2010isded My god you are bad at interpreting. It's reflecting back to how people before you must have suffered. You can feel bad for what people have gone through without being the cause of it..
It seems as he felt his brain was lost, his identity was no more, that’s why his last drawings were faceless.
@Ansu Dante You cannot know that. Maybe Soul is still there but it‘s bounded to the body. Once the body dies Soul is finaly set free.
@Ansu Dante i am not russian. But i am from slavic country.
@@jakubzov cool man
@Ansu Dante I sadly came to that same conclusion.
I still have nightmares where I have tremendous existential crisis experiences.
His mind was gone, but his soul was set free.
I like how he doesn't even try to make light of this or make any jokes, let's you know how serious this is
And he has a depressing tone to it as well
Why would he?
@@hep_fulla_pep i dunno usually on scary/creepy stuff there is a time for comic relief
@@mateololero4091 bababooey ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᕦ( ᐛ )ᕡᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᕦ( ᐛ )ᕡᕦ( ᐛ )ᕡᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᕦ( ᐛ )ᕡᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟ٩( ᐛ )وᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟᕦ( ᐛ )ᕡᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗᕦ( ᐛ )ᕡ😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😉😂😉😂😉😂😉😂🙃😂😉😂😉😂😉😂😉😂😉😂😉😂😉😂😂😂😉😂😉😂😉😂😂😂😅😂😅😂😅😂😅😂😅😂😅😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😅😂😂😂😂😂😉😂😂😉😂😂😂😂😂😂😉
@@manuelpineiro6864 Imposter Sussy 𓆏𓆏𓆏𓆏𓆏𓆏ඞඞඞඞඞඞඞඞඞඞඞ
This video feels different than his other videos
i really enjoyed it tho
It misses the typical ending with conclusion and all. It just goes throu the artists life and ends with his death.
It lacks his sarcasm.
the static just like un nerved me
@@adamsandles8103 yeah. And I’m listening to this through my beats solo pros which have a defect where I can hear radio static through them. Probably a problem with the Bluetooth or something but regardless it doesn’t help listening to radio silence just out in the background of this video. Not usually that noticeable but still there with me. Every now and then I get a pop or some interference just to let me know that it’s still there...
My grandma had alzheimer's.... It is the most painful disease. To be helpless, absolutely helpless as the person you love fades away. She lived in Poland and so I could only visit every couple of years. Each time I visited I could see the drastic changes happening. Every time was a shock.
For the most part she couldn't recognize me. But it comforted me to know she loved me, because she would always be walking around the farm looking for little me, back from when I was 3. I'm happy that I remained someway in her heart. At one point she believed there were two of me, the adult and the toddler, but she didn't understand that I was her granddaughter.
The last time she recognized me broke my heart. I was in the kitchen with her and my aunt. Grandma started looking for little me again, and asked where I was. My aunt, who took care of her and was so so patient with her said that I'm right here. And it's like the fog lifted for her for a moment. Her eyes locked onto mine and grew wide. And she started crying. She just reached out to me and asked "Oh God, what's happening to me that I can't recognize my own granddaughter." What could I do but hug her so tightly and say it's okay? That I love her? I tried so hard to hold it in but I started bawling. Five minutes later it was as if it never happened, and I became once more the "nice young lady" who was visiting.
I was planning on visiting Poland again in 2020, and so was my mom who hadn't seen her parents in a decade. But covid hit, and the flight was cancelled. On February 14, 2021 I woke up and got the news. She was gone. God I wish I could've seen her one last time. To let her know that I love her. I hope she knew I love her. What I wouldn't give to see her sunshine smile again and hear her beautiful laugh. I wish I could hug her again. And I wish that she could've seen the person I grew up to be. I hope that I can be even a fraction of the brave and beautiful woman she was.
It hurts so much. I cry every time I stop to dwell on what happened. But I'm happy she's at peace now. She's not suffering, she's not lost. She's resting and happy. And that brings me peace of heart. To anyone going through the ordeal of a loved one suffering from alzheimer's, I send my love. Cherish every moment, because life is such a fragile thing.
Literally so sorry to hear all of that… i hope you’re doing well🙏🏻🙏🏻
I am so, so sorry for what happened to you. God bless, and stay strong. Sorry for being late, but just needed to let you know that there's someone who cares about your situation.
Don't worry, death is a part of life
“One of the worst things you could have to do is grieve somebody who is already alive”
Dang that hits
My granddad has severe Alzheimer's disease now and I cry for him almost everyday....this hits
That would have been a solid quote if it was a bit clearer
@@kurookami2762 honestly it was said pretty clearly to me “The worst thing possible is grieve for someone who is still breathing” is that better?
I miss my grandmother so much, and she is still alive and lives right down the street. That is exactly how it feels.
As an artist, and as a fellow human; seeing his drawings from when he got diagnosed until he couldn't draw anymore, made me cry for him
As an beginner artist, Yeah same. I would be sad too, forgetting how to draw but most importantly forgetting my past, my families, my friend, my thoughts, myself. It’s scary.
I'm honestly wondering if I shouldn't watch this.
[Edit:] Yup. As an artist, I want it to be known, if I get Alzheimer's and there's still no cure, just shoot me. It's a tragedy to watch this man slowly lose his grip on himself and his reality. It's cruel to be expected to stay when you are becoming less and less yourself every day.
That's the whole point of the video duh
You can be a human being with no compassion but thank you for stating you are a human being 🤣
I think his art became even more beautiful
God damn, the sketches around the 2000s are horrifying.
It feel a like a Nightmare Image...
He couldn’t recognise any facial features... it’s almost like to him nothing that makes him human exists anymore, and that he’s just an empty shell, shown by the last picture where there’s nothing. Just his head, missing every feature, just like his brain from that point onward.....
sad
It was scary, nonetheless. Slowly losing the ability to remember his own reflection. Nightmare fuel, and a great way to make you cry. I wish there was a cure.
Only because the stupid music manipulated you into feeling tthat way. Get shit on lemming.
The bible says do not say the lords name in vain
This gives an eerie, cold, suffocating silent aura to the paintings. You are actively watching someone die. You are watching William Utermohlen fade as his art reflects it.
It really dawned on me how terrifying this disease is when I saw the last few pictures. This is an artist trying his absolute hardest to produce an image that resembles himself. And he can’t. He physically can’t.
It did resemble himself. 😭
@@vg6761 Jesus Christ...
@@vg6761 Holy
@@vg6761 huh?
@@belieall9974 He's saying that it did resemble him as it was just a blank face and that he isn't really that person anymore, just a blank face
One sad thing i realised: the event that popularized him the most in art was the one that doomed the rest of his life and erased everything he knew about art
A profound sad truth not many people mentioned. Thanks for acknowledging that
Wait what i dont get it
@@TheLostArchives1 The reason his art became popular was because he had alzheimers which led to him losing his art skills and eventually his death, if that makes sense
@@dhans9662 ah okay maybe the original comment was just hard to understand. Thanks for clearing jt up and making sense of it for me.
@@TheLostArchives1 Happy to help
This hurts, my grandfather died to it last week. He could barely remember his family. He'd constantly beg for water, even if he just drank. It was like torture.
I'm really sorry to hear that dude. It's a horrible process to go through having to watch someone you love just degrade like that. I understand the pain of all that. It sounds cheesy but seriously: Stay strong okay? My thoughts go out to you.
@@kdelta1987 thanks man, that means allot
@@kaboost1528 It's no problem dude. Seriously, I wish there was someway to like, REALLY prepare for all of that. Like, you think you're able to handle seeing family like that and the you realize you're not. Someone's gotta make like the Alzheimer's/dementia equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous so people can lean on each other and sort of learn how to move on and how to handle everything.
hope ur doing ok R.I.P ur grandpa
I hope life is treating you better nowadays, much love
When someone with Alzheimer’s is showing symptoms, it is already to late to stop it. Knowing that makes my heart break.
Thanks for actually using William's earlier art instead of just focusing on the post 1995 work. He really was a brilliant artist.
I thought the same.
Checkout the video “Toasters” made on it. Way more informative and more pleasing to look at.
this is true
this is my worst fear, watching a family member die before their death has to be the worst thing on this planet.
i agree i don't want this to happen any person i respect
It’s scary....
I'm so scared of this happening to me or anyone around me. Death of a loved one is already scary enough
It runs in my family. I’ve watched every old person in my family develop Alzheimer’s. It’s sad knowing it’ll happen to my parents and siblings and eventually myself...
@@omgnoi were in the same boat. Sadly we will forget each other.
I lost a familiar to Alzheimer so I have an early experience with it. It fucking sucks, its such a cruel illness. The word is cruel.
This crap did'nt let me know my grandmother i wish to never see this in my future life
this honestly terrifies me, how common it is, and how you just become a husk. i’m sorry for your loss
I feel you bro... My mother has it :( hopefully they'll find a cure soon
The world is cruel my friend but you gotta make your part in the world shine anyway you want
@@christiaansjouw5680 as horrible as it sounds they will not. The most common reason is already known: aluminium. Particles are in the air, in the food, in anything that is Packaged in aluminium. When you ingest it, it plugs up the brain and sets in degeneration. There are few things that can help the body get rid of heavy metals and stuff like curcuma also helps the brain a bit as well as memory, but Im not sure what REALLY can be a working quick and easy solution for the common man. Im sure for the rich there already is something around. But its a multibillion dollar industry, they will not allow to lose it. Money is todays societies God. Dont forget that
As terrifying as this seems from the outside, I am not sure that this disease is necessarily so horrible for the person with Alzheimer's themselves. I have a grandmother with Alzheimers who laughs a lot, has 0 pain and really seems overall very happy. She forgets everything right away, but she enjoys herself in the moment. She is completely unaware of her condition. Being trapped in the present also means that you can't be scared by things that happened in the past as much, and she probably isn't able to reflect upon her inevitable death. The condition may look worse from the outside than it is for the person who suffers from it. If the person is experiencing human love and care, they may have a good time.
I hope you are right.
thats your experience,
I also have a grandmother with dementia, not (Alzheimer's) however the diseases are similar.
I sometimes walk the hallways with her, and I see other people with some other form of dementia, while not all dementia or Alzheimer's patients are panicked or confused, many of them are.
One lady in the nursing home is constantly scared and confused, she has no idea where she is and is terrified, she has not had a moment of peace in a long time.
Another lady also can't talk, and she always looks agitated or scared, but she can't voice it, the list goes on really..
I would imagine it's like turning into a zombie but very slowly .It is horrific for the person going through it but after a certain point they're all lost and have no consciousness left but the long process of experiencing losing yourself slowly is not easy by any means on anyone I think its the most horrific thing to go through that.Its just terror
His art portrays more raw, human struggle than anything else i've seen.......if souls exist beyond death, I cling onto the hope that somehow he knows his final creative breaths conveyed something so impactful.
i wish i could get my hands on one of his works, i think theyre amazing
@ Jack Corman: Nicely said. Soul *does* exist and he *does* know.
Yes Punk, and you have proof to support that. People are so dumb.
@@thomast7748 what are you going on about
@@thomast7748 Uhhhh....yes Thomas, yes I do have the proof to support that. Depending on, of course, your definition of proof. But you are correct...there are some people that are quite *ignorant*.
The saddest part is that even in the last drawing you can see his desperate attempts at trying to shade and use the techniques he learned previously, but to no avail. That must've been so frustrating.
On another note, I have face blindness. My brain doesn't process faces correctly and this also combines with retrograde amnesia. The way I remember faces look exactly like his last drawings... God that's freaky. To think that everyone's face might eventually look like either three dots or a blur ALL the time instead of just in my memory is definitely a cause for concern.
I pray you get cured and are able to live peacefully without worry
@@hassantalpur6792 people trying to 'cure' people who are non-nurotypical only make themselves a pain in the ass. you find workarounds. i cant remember my mothers face but one word and i can tell who is who, subtle color variations are good if folk don't dye their hair or use makeup, height, general build. i still remember one teacher who was a real pain in the ass who constantly harassed me saying 'whats my name', still cant remember the name and i spent three years as a student there. almost makes me as mad as the
anti-vaxcers who refuse to vaccinate their kid because autisim. you would rather have your kid be dead than be imperfect? nurotypical is way overated. you need the creative people as well as the folk who do hard calculus. way i see it so long as folk are high functioning your lot has no right to make a fuss.
Is it bad that I actually cant recall faces in my head at all?
That sounds frustrating af. I think I might be on the autism spectrum, so I have this habit of not intuitively looking people in the face, so when I have to find someone I've only recently met again, it can be a bit embarrassing that I don't 100% know what they look like. Because I've barely seen their face. But literally not being able to remember a face? Yeesh.
@@TheMagicPinecone facial blindness when you look at two different people and you cant see difference in their faces
This is probably among the eeriest things I have ever observed. You don't just see it, you can almost feel them worsening. You feel it almost as though you were feeling it physically. A slow, gradual but noticeable deterioration until there is almost nothing left but unintelligible scribbles. A sad, sad fate...
Look up everywhere at the end of time, it's a musical representation of that
If you're interested with painters did after their condition worsened try Affandi. He start losing his sight and you can see his paintings change as his vision got worse.
@Couch stfu
@Couch are you like lost or something?
@Couch this ain't the place for that, alright?
Thank you for this. My father at the age of 57 died from Alzheimer's on Dec 31st 2015. He had a brilliant mind and even though watching this brought me to tears, it is nice to get somewhat of a glimpse into what he might have felt or experienced while going through it. All I can say is that it changed my life forever and little insights like this video are very much appreciated.
Wow your father was so young 🙏
I'm 57
Only 57? Was it early onset?
Both my grandparents on my dad’s side had Alzheimer’s. They were dead to me years before their bodies died. It’s a sad state to be in. I’d never wish it on my worst enemy.
same
My neighbor has Alzheimer i lived in the house for 13 years now and she doesn't remember anything I remember her asking me who I was turning away and then asking again it is a sad condition and one I am highly scared of.
@@yupyup8305 i wish this disease upon nobody
Exactly what happened to my grandparents too.
And since my dad passed away due to Parkinson's disease years ago, I believe the depressing end is waiting me in the not-so-far future.😢😢
@Psyche That’s fucked up, even if you’re just being edgy.
The static in the background is a haunting touch.
Agreed, Qxir really knew what to do when making this vid.
And then when it cuts suddenly
* video stops *
Back to reality...
@Ur Mom Caretaker is a nice touch on such a video.
Someone listened to the caretaker
It’s like the piano slowly fades, you are forgetting how the piano sounds, only the the vague concept of sound.
I am terrified of this disease. To know it runs in my family that I have lost family members to it is even scarier. Just to know I have a pretty high chance of getting it myself. One of the worst ways to go.
Is it really genetic?
I thought it was a prion isn't this similar to a virus?
@@yupyup8305 it can be acquired but genetically it’s much more common. Also unfortunately it’s more common in specific ethnic groups. Alzheimer’s/dementia is horrific and I hope it is eradicated
I’m in the same boat. Everyone in my family ends up getting it if they live long enough and I love my brain and what it can do. I make jokes about my future now, but I know that once I get there, it won’t be funny anymore. It seems like childhood memories last the longest with Alzheimer’s so hopefully those memories are happy enough to get me through it.
Quick question. If you write all your memories down on a book, then get Alzheimers, and then read all the things you wrote, does that help a bit? Or at least so that you know that you had those memories? Because I’m a very, very forgetful person who would forget things unless I keep repeating it to myself, and writing down things and reading them again helps. Sorry if it’s a dumb question, I’m just really curious.
@@Ar-yp6nh The thing with Alzheimer's is that it isn't just a memory affliction, it afflicts rational thought as well. At end stage Alzheimer's, you might read that book and be completely confident that whatever was in it wasn't written by you, and no-one would be able to convince you otherwise.
I met Dennis 5yrs after he lost his wife Sue. He told me “I love my Sue” and I loved him for it. He had a brain seizure but mostly recovered when I met him and so drove and lived in a unit. He would visit often as he did others and we would play “Upwords” a game of skill with words. At first I would ignore his occasional mistaken words to give him a handicap. But in time his skills improved whereby he would beat me fair and square. During these days he told me of his English apprenticeship as a marine engineer. Training on building massive stainless steel steam boilers then his sea service as fourth engineer with Cunard. The larks he got up to were hilarious as was his single journey into arctic waters breaking the ice and ships rails solid with spray ice. Then he had another seizure and could no longer drive nor care for himself. The last five years of his life I would pick him up from the nursing home with his car and would visit friends or cafes for coffee. He would always say grace before his fish and chip lunch saying “Thankyou Jehovah I love you”. Not “we” but “I” so I guessed he was accustomed to prayer on his own in the home. I was so grateful for his marine stories because I could repeat them and they were so familiar to him plus of course funny due to his larks we would both roll around laughing. A wonderful man who allowed me to treat him as I would have treated my father had he allowed it. I take no credit for those years with Dennis for he gave me loyal friendship very rare these days. I learned not to contradict him. When he asked to not be returned to the home I would tell him “no problem, I’ll take you to your flat, but you’ll have to peel your own potatoes and beans, vacuum the floors, wash your shirts” to which he would reply “maybe next time, let’s just go here. RIP dear Dennis until the new world.
There is a reason why I’d rather die from an accident than die “from old age”. Usually in an accident you have a fully functioning body and mind until you die. When you die of old age however, you can have endless health issues, both with the mind and the body. I don’t want to feel myself dying.
Also I feel bad for my step-grandparents. They are 72 and 74, my grandma has a deteriorating body (arthritis, idk what it’s medically called but she has a hunchback also) and my grandpa’s mind is deteriorating with dementia. However my grandma’s mind is as clear as day and my grandpa will still play any sport he can, like Basketball or Golf. They’re the yin and yang of becoming old.
One of my grandparents has a hunched back and it's from her osteoporosis, is that what you're referring to?
That is very sad but kind of wholesome
No matter how healthy you are, you still die from nothing. they have to have better cures or treatments in the future I don’t wish any type of this on any of my worst enemies
This stuff makes me wanna cry!
That's how I feel to, I want to die before I'm old, but not in a oh I'm suicidal way, like if I could choose how I die I don't want to be old and sick. Idk man the topic kind of depresses me tbh.
I have a great great grandfather who has Alzehimers, and he's 99. He was born on May 1st, 1922. He's forgotten almost everything, except for me, and his dog. He can also play guitar, since he has since he was around 7. He lives a few hours down the road, and the only things he can currently say is "I love you" and "Rodney" - Rodney is his dog.
Thats super sad and sweet the fact he can still remember his dogs name 😭😭😭I hope everything is ok
He must be super sweet if he can still say, "I love you"
aww
How's he now? He's about to turn 100 in about 2 days
I hope he had a good 100th birthday.
You’re lucky if your mind dies with your body.
well thats kind of interesting to me, because where´s the line between mind and body. is there even a line, because technically the brain is a part of the body. what are your thoughts on this?
My brain is just decaying confetti paper.
Yep for sure
@@koenskills6796 i think it depends on what you believe about sentience, (souls and stuff). if you believe the soul is using the body as a shell and the mind as a place to live, the line is pretty clear. if you think that souls aren’t real and there’s just a mind and body, then i think the line between your own self and your mind and body starts to get blurred
@@hotmojoe2483 i guess what my belief is is that a person is like a very smart computer program. A shitton of small dicisions leading to a very complicayed thing. It may feel like you are really in control, but if you think about it. You dont actually have a say in anything. Im not talking about like fait and shit, im talking about stuff like typing on a keyboard. Its not really you doing those things, its muscle memory. Thats not really you. If you keep thinking about it like that, you start to feel more like a spectator. It makes me feel comfortable for some reason
My great-grandmother has Alzheimer's. She's somehow still alive even after catching covid, and she has been deteriorating for almost 10 years now. Everyone in the family has already mourned for her, even though she's alive. Most of us wish she would just pass away, it would be better for her husband, and for herself.
I was the last person she forgot. That day I'll never forget. My dad was breaking down trying to explain who I was, and she didn't know who he was. It's a tough experience.
Wishing death on someone is pure evil.
@@Anonymous-df8it But sadly that's how it is when someone has a terrible disease, they are truly suffering and sometimes you just wish it would end for them. I even remembered a story where a dementia patient literally unalived himself in a very small moment of lucidity. Truly shows how ruthless dementia is
@@Anonymous-df8it depends on who they are and for what reason.
@@Anonymous-df8it my guy they're already dead at that point, they're nothing more than a living body the mind is gone
@@polygonalfortress ???
My grandfather died from Alzheimer's few months ago.
It's hard to see a 6.4" man that was still stronger than me, bright minded with great sense of humor, just went off in couple of years...like a candle.
Miss him.
That's awful, I'm so sorry that happend to you and your family
@@soggy_ramen3362 Thank you!
@@markobozovic all good!
In 2016 my grandma died from Alzheimer’s in a nursing home. My condolences to your loss
@@Owen-ey2gh sad she died in a nursing home
My mother was a nurse dealing with patients who had Alzheimer's, said to me years ago:-
"If I ever get this illness, shoot me."
She has had the disease for a decade and no longer recognizes me.
She has become a living ghost, who lives in an eternal past. What a terrible tragedy.
Damn
@@길-g9c I wish it was a joke. When my father died, my mother went to the
funeral unaware of his death. It doesn't get much bleaker than that.
@@robjones2408 I hope you get better man. Actually my grandma is suffering as well. Watching a mind wither away is never a good experience.
@@길-g9c Thanks for your kind thoughts. Mum is going very gently into eternal darkness. She isn't suffering, as she has no awareness of what is happening to her.
One day, she will go to sleep forever.
Hey man I know what it’s like
Stay strong one day your mom will be in peace with your father don’t give up for that day
Alzheimer’s is like-
My biggest fear ever
I can’t imagine forgetting everyone and how awful it is to forget everything
Hey it’s alright, god is with you, whenever I think of him when I’m worried, sad angry, my mood lightens up and I get happy 😀
@@user-fu8rg4ov5o if a god won't cure a horrible disease like Alzheimer's, even allowing/creating the deteriorating condition in the first place, then why should I be happy about them?
Just forget about Alzheimer’s lmao
I once had to do a work for class, it was about mental diseases. Me and my group decided to make Alzheimer's. We got the best results we could, but I'd rather haven't done it, because now, I can't stop remembering the sympthoms and everytime I have a single sympthom for a single time, I have an intense panic inside my mind. I'm one of that people who worry too much about their health. The only reason why I don't completely collapse it's because I know I'm only 12 years old. Which is very stupid of me because I don't even need to be 12 years old to prove that I don't have Alzheimer's, because in the first place, I wouldn't remember the symphtoms.
@ stfu disrespectful
I think his work just just to do these portraits makes him one of the the most important artists of all time.
Excellent 🙏🏼
My grandpa died with Alzheimer's...
It was terrible. He often wasn't able to give more than a short response near the end... there were moments where it was like he was in a trance, then he'd sometimes have a brief moment of lucidity, say a few things, then slip into a confusion... The worst ones were when he would have a forlorn look... It was like he had an idea of what was happening, and wanted to respond, but couldn't; like he was trapped in his own body.
Why am I sad..
:(
That means you will have it when you're older.
That means you will have it when you're older.
@@ryy1704 it really doesn’t and don’t say crap like that
I watched my grandmother go this way. If it ever happened to me I'd take a nice stroll off a tall building.
"To a dear person. To a dear dear dear" This were the last words (translated into english) my grandma wrote before she forgot how to. She still had been able to read, however, but i don't know how much she really understood. She continued to live for several years. To the last day we made that she was able to live in her house, because she always expressed her fear from nursing homes.
@Will Brown Jesus, no food and water plus Alzheimers, that sounds like a terrible idea,
I hope you all stay safe and stay strong, I'll be praying for ye all.
@Will Brown maybe. Allow, like a little, then do it just don’t forget?
My great grandad actually did that and he had alzeihmers sadly
I appreciate how seriously you took this topic. It's heartbreaking
My grandpa died last year. He had dementia. As i was young and practically only remember him after his illness overcame him, i didnt pay that much attention at the time. I never thought of how it affected him mentally.... I hope u r doing well grandpa.
That was like watching a horror movie.
Scarier then any horror movie too
GAGAGAGAGAGA! I will now count to 3 and then I am still the unprettiest RUclipsr of all time. 1...2...3. GAGAGAGAGAGA!!! Btw I have TWO very HOT GIRLfriends who I show off in my v*deos. Thank you for your attention, dear qeis
@@AxxLAfriku You have no shame do you
You should go Listen to Everywhere at the end of time by the Caretaker
@@AxxLAfriku Shut the hell up you dumbass, this is a serious topic and nobody gives a shit about your fake ass actor girlfriends.
I’ve just found out my mum is in the first stages of this terrible condition , I will never leave her and be her best friend to the very end . God takes everyone home in the end💐
That is horrible. Best wishes for your mother and you. Can't imagine how you feel now...😔
...fuck.
If my mom/dad had Alzheimer's, I would fall in the worst depression you could think of...
😭
I'll pray for you
It’s crazy how he remembered how to draw to the very end. His abstract art style remained for a long time too (the eyes were always different sizes, not straight, etc). In the last drawing you could still feel his talent in the drawing with the accurate head shape, attempt at shading, base lines, etc. He was deteriorating so much but the talent never went
I've noticed that too. The third-to-last especially is so haunting, but it's not at all poorly drawn. It's not that he couldn't draw himself, it's that he had become that haunted face. And he had the ability to express his torment in that drawing.
@@bovineking8927 it's really interesting. Even in his very last drawing listed here, you can kinda see the sorrow. Nothing there's recognizable as a face, but you can feel the pain he was feeling.
I mean, he technically didn't because he stopped drawing for 6 years before he died. But yeah it's telling how powerful muscle memory is that he was still able to construct something recognizable years into his dementia
just got more avant garde tbh
I heard someone describe it as his mind forgetting butch is muscle memory staying
Slowly losing yourself is absolutely terrifying.
This is scarier than any horror movie ever could be
Yes 😨
Got chills
Because it’s real
@@yourbiologicalmother7569 I was about to say that
It's worse to say goodbye to someone who is still alive.
I don’t think he forgot how to draw (judging by the fact that the forms he drew are somewhat correct in the later stages) he just forgot the concept of “self”
yep
Which is fucking terrifying
No, he didn't forget, his body still remembers it, but his mind forgets how to draw, it's like, forgetting something, but still have the ability to do that thing, you don't know how but you can, then sooner or later, it's all gone
Taking care of and watching my mom go through this was the most painful thing in my life.
Hope you’re doing fine now fam
@@cryingchihuahua487
Thank you. Mom is now in heaven and happy.
The last one is terrifying. It’s just a silhouette of some figure, completely empty and withdrawn, just existing.
I lost my dad to dementia on Christmas day 2020: he had been a brilliant geneticist and a supremely competent man who could quite literally turn his hand to anything. The drawings in this video are absolutely horrifying, all the more so because it gives me some insight into what my dad went through.
I’m sorry this happened to you
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really felt that
May he rest in peace
There's an album called "Everywhere at the End of Time" by The Caretaker simulated the experience of Dementia. If you want to know more about it you can look it up on RUclips. Sorry for your loss.
My father has dementia and has lived with me for the last 2 years...he's 84. I cherish every day with him....I'm sorry for your loss.
Qxir Fun Friday’s is always the best
holy fuck it’s already friday
""fun""
Nothing better to start my weekend than observing someones descent into helplessness and death.
Qxir Saddy Sundays let's go
Right! I love getting home from work on a friday and checking out a new video
nursing homes are some of the most depressing places i've had the displeasure to visit
Me as an artist, I feel so sad for him😞. This disease is literally my new phobia
the fear of getting Alzheimer's is rational - phobias are not
i'd say it's actually less rational to not be terrified of it
@@ryanradish761 yeah
@@ryanradish761 Fair, but whenever I forget something or maybe misspell something simple, I always get scared and be like "oh god, my brain is worsening I would've never done this a year ago oh no" even though I literally cannot drink alcohol legally yet. Definitely irrational, atleast for me
@@IDontReallyWantARUclipsHandle oh my god same
That's not a phobia, it's a fear
There’s noting scarier in life then life itself
I can’t wait until Elon Musk makes the neurolink for people with Dementia.
Forgetting that life seems scarier.
Life nor death is scary, it's pain. It's feeling an injury of something once felt great but now just feels awful and not right. Pain is more scarier than death.
THAN
One of my worst fears is forgetting and being forgotten
The fact that they seem more and “lazy” or tired is sad bruh. Like he doesn’t have then energy sometimes
It could very well be attention issues and confusion instead. My grandma with alzheimers wrote things a certain way and couldn't tell if it was right or wrong, so she repeated it several times. The more marks they make, the more energy they are desperately putting into it.
They look like Picasso’s some of them
It's just cognitive decline. As an alcoholic i can sympathize.
My grandmother had Alzheimer’s she didn’t forget anyone but she wasn’t saying anything, my mom always talks about how my grandmother hadn’t seen her in a while but my mom went to her hospital room and as my mother walked in my grandmothers face lit up, she had remembered her and she was speaking and saying how much she loved her, we’re thankful she passed when she did.
The video: *gets to the scary part*
Qxir: *stops talking*
Me: "f*ck"
Oh heck no why quick sir gotta scare sponsored binge like that
aw hell now Spong pob is scare!!111
@@ptube7061 Quisir
*DISTORTED PIANO STARTS PLAYING*
@@f16fightingfalcon15 *screaming*
My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s after he came back from hospital due to his kidney starting to fail, the last time I talked to him he said “ I’m gonna go out on my own terms but before I do I want you to have this” and he handed me an antique revolver from 1945, 2 days later he died from kidney failure in his sleep. I was 14 when he died and believe that he was intentionally holding out to see me grow but once he learned that he was going to loose everything he knew he decided it was better for him to go while he still recognized me
I hope your grandfather rests in peace. I heard that kidney failure doesn’t hurt a lot so just know that your grandfather went out peacefully and is in a better place. I hope he’s enjoying what the afterlife has to offer. My biggest condolences.
i hope you still have the revolver, if you do, you can share your story also on your channel
@@beetal3850 And kidney failure is a much better way to go out then a decade of losing yourself to time and your brain
@@hajimehinata5854 I mean either way your dying, difference is you get to die knowing who you are or you die knowing nothing at all, I would taken the same choice has him.
@@Fourtytwo4242 you basically die before you are physically dead
The last “self portraits” were nothing short of haunting, to say the least. The way they progressively get more abstract and alien - really shows the mental deterioration of Alzheimers.
Seeing a family member or friend go through this until they eventually die must be something indescribable. How their memories slowly fade away until they are a literal husk of their former selves.
But there is still hope, hope that with the dramatically increasing developments in science and whatnot, doctors can someday be able to fix or prevent it.
@ Ayo, edgelord check
I witnessed both my grandparents succumb to cognitive decline. I was a young teenager and in retrospect I think it traumatised me a bit.
@@parisyturner My great grandmother had Alzheimer’s. She never truly knew me, as I was around… 10 the first and last time I met her. I didn’t know why she wouldn’t know me, and would forget me by the next day. My mother wasn’t her granddaughter to her, she was a nurse. I was someone wanting to see the elderly. She was… *demented*.She wasn’t acting like… I thought she would. I thought of my grandma. They were opposite people. Even at that state of Mind, though she lived a long while after that. My grandmother died of cancer before my great grandmother died. 2 years ago, my great grandmother died. Mom remembers her in ways I wish I could. I met her almost 10 years ago, and never again. I’m sorry, I know it hurts.
@@ziggynutscmgoofy you try to say your profile picture is just “a piece of cardboard”
*we both know very well that is NOT a normal cardboard*
@@solarean Yes, its a blank canvas
I love that you told his story instead of just showing his drawings. It’s respectful ♥️.
The "If you have alzheimer's then just forget it" joke...
*is not funny anymore after this*
Me has alzheimers *forgets I have alzheimers*, I remember everything
@@Dog-wp5oj If that would be so easy to cure Alzheimer’s :/
What if you forget you don't have alzheimer
@@vinikk77 Then you forget that you forget that you forget you have alzheimers.
It is still funny. But Im going to need a night before then
Just before Christmas last year a very close friend of the family was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in her mid 40s. She’s got 3 kids, 2 of which are still in their first half of high school, 1 of which is already having seizures. It’s a miserable sight to watch the progression of the disease in someone so young, but what’s worse is imagining what those kids are going through. Not only is their mother being torn away from them, but now they have to worry about being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s themselves. Makes you realize how lucky you are to not be in a situation like that, at least.
I've never encountered this b4, does genetics have to do with Alzheimer's?
@@wylsonagustino7947 I’m no expert myself, but I believe genetics plays a big role in it. The friend who was diagnosed had a father who was also diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, but he was in his 60s if I remember correctly.
@@wylsonagustino7947 yes it does. If a parent or grandparent has this disease you are way more at risk of developing it. I believe you can get it without history of it but I know for a fact if you have a genetic history for it you are at a way higher risk.
People who make joke about it usually dont understand what it mean
Alzheimers is a scary disease.
One of my grandmas had Alzheimer and whenever we could (me and the grandma i lived with), we would visit her, she had initial dementia symptoms and would take years to develop. At the time i thought to myself this was lucky to not have to lose everything fast, but as i grew up i felt more how much pain she was going through.
After she passed, i still find some comfort remembering that even when she was already partly gone, i would play or joke with her since its one of the things she liked most around me, even when she was confused i tried to make her laugh.
The last time she was not making sense i tried to "not make sense" as well, saying something about a shark that was coming and would eventually jump on us at home, she would say "where? where?" and when she looked away i would surprise her a simple "Booh!" then we laugh a lot together.
Sadly she would come to a point where she couldn't say a word, but i'll still remember the good times we had before and during the disease.
Also sorry for any mistypings, my english is not that good.
She was blessed to have you 💕💝
It's ok if your English is bad, not everyone's first language is English.. 😉
What is your original language? The new RUclips update has a translator so you can write in your native language and it will translate it for other people.
Bro your English is better than mine even though it's my birth language
A lot of people I noticed are looking at it as though his technique is diminishing. I don't see that.
At some points, his technique becomes more simplified, or abstract, but I don't think it ever hits a point of being bad technique. As his disease progresses, he uses different levels of simplicity & abstractness to help represent how he feels, and how he sees himself.
Whether that's an incomplete drawing representing his now incomplete mind, abstract colors to show confusion, an incomplete anguished man, or in the last case, when the illness entered it latest stages, all he saw in his mind was a swirling pit of despair, sucking away everything he knew.
For as long as he remembered he was supposed to draw self portraits, he did what he wanted to do, and he did it incredibly well. Truly a talented artist, & brilliant mind.
That’s so haunting. Sometimes the scariest things come from inside of us. Imagine knowing that you would forget yourself, your loved ones, everything
This disease terrifies me. It runs in my family, but realistically speaking I know I won't get it yet because I'm so young, but it still scares me. I'm already forgetful, I'll forget things seconds after hearing them sometimes, and I have to write things down a lot. It's improved, but at one point I couldn't remember how many times I refilled my cup (it holds 4 cups of water so I don't even need to refill it often) and would panic because I couldn't remember what number I was on, so I eventually started tallying every refill. I cannot imagine having this terrifying disease which is so, so much worse. If there is still no cure by the time I age enough to get it, I don't want to survive until I die from it. I don't want my last years to be me forgetting everything and everyone.
Your forgetfulness is may be just because of your fear .Stay positive and everything will be alright 🙂
I hope you find some peace with this - stress is really detrimental to your brain and can actually increase the risk of Alzheimer’s over time. “Living in the moment,” as well as journaling, has actually been shown in studies to delay the onset of Alzheimer’s significantly. But I understand your fear, it is a really terrifying disease.
Maybe because you are so busy with NOT forgetting things, you accidentally forget things, which only fuels your fear. I don’t know how old you are, but I am sure you are fine!!
We'll have a cure by then anyways
Take omega 3 and magnesium. And Lion's mane. To strengthen your nervous system.
watching the pictures become more distorted was disturbing ngl
This is scary, drawing yourself day by day with Alzheimer's is like seeing yourself deteriorating. The last picture gave me chills
By the end he forgot who and why he was drawing. It was just few lines and everything is gone and he'd continue sporadically and eventually he'd forget to even try
It’s interesting though, you can still see basic rules of composition being followed, and it looks like legitimate attempts at beginning a painting, only for it to never finish.
@@dantecaputo2629 the last one seems like he forgot what a human face is and how to draw and even what he's drawing. For all we know he could've seen only a shape in the mirror and not himself anymore
@@CrazyMagicHomelesGuy No, he just started again
@@CrazyMagicHomelesGuy Patients with this disease often walk around shadows on the floor, acting as if they are afraid to fall into them, like they're holes. I think he might have seen just shapes or maybe he was seeing things normally but couldn't make his hands recreate what he saw in his head or the mirror.
@@dantecaputo2629
I think his muscle memory worked to some extent
Before my great grandmother died she had alzheimer's. I remember seeing her last about 2 years before she died, and it was in 2017 or 18 I think. I don't remember the exact date. I only remember seeing her, taking her to Olive Garden for her birthday about two years after having spoken to her last. She didn't even remember who I was. It was awkward, I couldn't connect. It was like talking to an empty vessel that was once her, so void of the person I knew and all the same, disturbing. I didn't talk to her after, never saw her again. I was told she went into hospice soon after Halloween, died late November/early December that year. I remember telling my mom I didn't want to see her. I just couldn't. I told her it didn't feel right, and that last time we met, she didn't even know me. In a twisted way, I'm glad I chose not to see her again, to let her true self be preserved in my memory as much as it could be. At the time I felt it was a horrible decision, and some part of me still does, but there was this gut feeling that I wouldn't like what I saw and it'd just make things harder. Then she died. Funeral came around, and I went. The memory of that awkward night at Olive Garden is one I don't want to forget, it's the last time I've ever seen her, but the true memories in my mind and heart will always be her kindness and her cozy little apartment, those Christmas eves we spent together, and old-timey TV movies on Hallmark, and her many, many cuckoo clocks.
Now that I'm older, I wish I could talk to her and my other grandparents who passed away, those who I knew and those who I never met. I remember sitting on her couch, hearing too-long stories that I can't even remember now, and I wish I could hear them once again.
To any of you who either struggle with yourself, or have a relative who struggles with alzheimer's, my deepest sympathies go out to you. It's not an easy thing, watching people deteriorate slowly over time. It's a fate worse than death. But there's light at the end of the tunnel. For every decline there has to be an incline to level it all out.
this was incredibly sad, and terrifying at the same time. i completely understand where you came from when you did not want to meet her, and there's nothing i can do to remove it, because if i were to be in your place, i would have done the same, and felt the same. though i can say one thing, she's at peace now.
This makes me tear up...
Damn... I almost teared up reading that
I'm so sorry you had to go through that
If I get diegnoced me with Alzheimer's and can't remember my surroundings I hope my family end my suffering. When I go out I'm going out on my terms
Totally agree. I feel the same way. I had no choice being brought into this world, the least I can do is have a say in when and how I leave it.
Same here
Yes I wouldn't leave it to anyone but myself. No paper work, bullshit or circumstance would stop me from my own choice
I can understand your point
A very thoughtful and compassionate presentation. The evolution of his self portraits really brings home the reality.
He is litterally painting in a way where its somehow connected to his situation and mood. Its like his slowly falling apart and the painting shows it. Poor artist.
roblox pfp 🤮
@@foogles7986 20 year old guy is against a game that has bad moderation.
Admirable 👏
@@foogles7986 you just ignored the entire comment
@@Uxydex I sure did
@Mob Master bro your whole channel is based off minecraft mods you can't talk
I have a great grandfather who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s right after his wife died. I’d only met him once that I can recall which was when my family went to the funeral, the other time I was an infant. Since he got it, he’s forgotten his wife, children, and pretty much everyone in the family. From what I’ve heard I’m the only person who he talks about and remembers, but because we live so far away and due to COVID, I’m not allowed to visit him
That's so sad...
At least he can still remember you even with Alzheimers
Just go.
@@krzywozeby3791 Would if I could
From personal experience, he might not recognise the adult you. He would be expecting to see you as a child.
so my relationship with my ex best friend ended around the time after her grandma with alzheimer’s died. She just became really toxic so i tried to distance myself from her. seeing this i now see how painful it must have been for her to see a loved one become like this, and i think i’m gonna try to start fresh with her
how did that go?
she already had moved on from me, but she seems happy so it’s fine
@@cliped2146 at least there is that
@@cliped2146 You should never have returned
@@victoriannecastle Why not? The behaviour was sudden, so there had to be a reason for it. I think it is honestly better to try to smoothen past bad relationships. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. At least it will give them a piece of mind.
I watched this really stoned and faded and I was paranoid for the rest of the night but now re watching this again this is honestly sad.