Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Fighting for acceptance from my mother has ruined my life. Your videos helped me get into therapy. My mother asks me so many questions to get my business just so she can invalidate and put me down. Now I share nothing with her I validate myself! So freeing
Wow, this sounds just like my Nmom. Giving no information is sooo important. I call my mom "the trojan horse". She should work for the CIA. She uses compliments as currency, in order to get information and invalidate. It's an invisible poison.
I expect something different because she tells me she wants to be there, and because she is my mom!! I want my mom to love me the way other moms love their kids. But you're right; she isn't capable of stepping outside of her mindset. It has been very difficult to accept that she isn't ever going to celebrate me in an honest and loving way. She *wants* others to interact with her as if she were emotionally available/emotionally safe...but when push comes to shove, it's all about her own immediate comfort.
@pageashleypage - you describe it so well especially the part about not being celebrated, as I go through the same thing with my mom. A lot of narc parents want the benefits of a emotionally-intimate relationship without them having been emotionally-intimate with us. So they expect a lot of things that they actually haven't earned. So much of these relationships are about having to reparent ourselves and teach ourselves the gift of emotional availability (the gift of celebrating ourselves in other words). Only when we feel like we can solidify in this way, can we then maintain some semblance of a relationship with a narcissistic parent. But for that, we have to work on ourselves first. I've had to initiate going No Contact (from Low Contact/gray rocking) with my parents because my mom was being far too clingy and demanding with my time and availability (not to mention, she would treat me like we are closer than we actually are and start giving unwarranted personal advice). I figured going no contact was the best thing I could do (for my own sanity and sanity of the people I deal with here on a daily basis), and eventually I may reinstate contact.
It's important to always remember the (DIFFERENCE) between a reactive "cut-off"...& a mature well thought out decision to go no-contact with a toxic/unhealthy individual.In my opinion a mature no-contact decision is oftentimes 1 of the pillars of our self-differentiation process because we're not able to grow & ultimately bloom and live our best healthiest life with really unhealthy/toxic people in our personal lives🌞👍.
That story about sharing your new job with a narcissistic mother.... It happened to me a few years ago, before i got into therapy!!! Spooky how accurate this was!!!!!
I have a family gathering every Wednesday. I have programmed a cellphone alarm at 8.30 p.m. to remid me, not to wait for validation, share as little information as posible and not to be reactive, so that I do not make them happy with the frustration and pain feelings, that their envy, lack of love and cruelty produce in me
Yes - “keep going back to an empty well expecting to get water” is your choice and is on you. Hard truth I learned over the years with my folks. Don’t waste your time. Face they have a disorder just like some people have visible symptoms or diseases that our crying about it won’t change them. Life is short to waste our own power on these people.
Yeah. If my mom found out if I got something new she would ask how much it would cost. Then she would say something like, I hope you can keep it. In reality she wasn't hoping for the best for me and wanted things to fail in my life. So she could have something negative to say whether it be in my face or behind my back.
You will be more powerful and peaceful if you learn to be fully emotionally available to yourself. Then whatever another person can provide is a lovely bonus. No one can be emotionally available to you all the time, everyone has to take care of themselves as well.
Or when they give you that adoration, then rip it away once you do/say something you don't like. Their acceptance is always based on a condition of whether they like you at the moment or not. Of course, when you point this out, they give you the "I'm your family member, I'll always love you, but that doesn't mean I have to like everything you do" excuse, that they KNOW is reactionary abuse.
I’m eight years out since going no contact and it’s been pretty rough trying to navigate my healing journey with so much information out there. So thankful for your content Jerry I feel like I’ve found the right guidance that is specific to my situation at this stage of my life. Keep these coming!
Hello, Jerry. Thank you so much!!! I find this clarification very useful!!! Now I an aware I did not fully understand it. This term is crucial for healing dysfunctional patterns.🤔🤔🤔
I’m glad the video was helpful in making the term more clear. It really is crucial for recovering and separating unhealthy dynamics and patterns. Thank you for watching
Thank you for this lesson. This is vital / fundamental / crucial / indispensable / pivotal / central / primary / ultimate ...and all the similar terms I can find in the dictionary as I am a non-native English speaker. You also made a real life example (of the narcissist mother) so validating for me. I was 100% in that horrible situation because I was trained since childhood to report everything (and I mean everything) to my mother - otherwise she accused me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't open enough to my mom, etc. Actually she wanted the highest control on me as well as on everyone I met. Then, sometimes, most probably when the info I told her was not important for her gaining control... She told me I was talking too much, I was annoying, I was repeating useless things, etc. This behaviour caused me much chaos. As an adult I found myself many times with my habit to tell her so many information... As if I needed to do it. As if it was my own need. Some time ago, I discovered what narcissism is. I stopped telling her many information. It's not my need at all. In this way, sometimes she insists to know a minimal and apparently irrelevant detail about my life... But at this point I recognize the pattern and I know very well that the detail will become a dangerous weapon if I hand it over to her (and I also know why). So I find a way not to reveal it. So, she gets angry and she accuses me of everything. I usually tell her, "It's such a small detail that I forgot it. Why do you want to know it so badly? Why is it important to you?" Then she changes her tactics and replies "oh! it's absolutely not important for me!. It's just a curiosity of mine". My reply, "if it's not that important, then you can understand why I forgot." She continues, "No! you know it but you don't want to tell me!" . Me, "I don't understand why you keep insisting on these things." And I keep on not telling her. Jerry, my conversation still surely have many weaknesses... but I'm trying to learn... And above all my goal is my inner calm when these things happen. Working on this
Thank you for this video…. It just reinforces everything that I have to deal with… my Mother is bi-polar and I also think she is narcissistic. Or, the bi-polar brings out narcissist like behaviors. I stopped sharing my personal life with her a long time ago….thank you for this😢
Such a beautiful message. It gives me hope that I can find a resolution with my father. The metaphor of a dry well helps. I learned that my mother was this way when I was a child and had to learn how to stop going to her. It was a hard lesson then, but now I have to learn it for several other family members too. Not sure how to have self integrity but prayer seems to help.
I knew everyone in my family was unsafe when I was adopted as a baby. Then we seemed to have become healthier once us kids grew up and became adults. Then I found out that three of them (mother included), had been smearing me behind my back my entire adult life too --- and telling lies about me as well.
Jerry, I love your videos, especially the ones on self-differentiation. They have helped me so much. What I struggled with in this video is not the content that was there but what was missing. Never once did you say that it's a normal and natural thing for a child to want to have the acceptance of a parent. I get that you're saying we're adults now and that we're not going to get that need fulfilled by the parent, but where is the tenderness towards us that we need to grieve this very huge loss that has completely dysregulated our nervous systems into adulthood?
This video is such a game changer 🤯 wow. I think I finally get it 🎉 also, I keep spacing at all the most interesting and beneficial points bc I was raised to blank out anything that contrasted the NPD cult narrative…the good news is now I’m at least able to catch myself doing it and the ability to rewind is also liberating because I grew up in a remote stricken environment. I feel like after I master self regulation, I might be just a regular functioning human. Bless you 💕
No contact can be a powerful tool for many. If you’re looking for more strategies or support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Thanks, Jerry. This is helpful. I like seeing what healthy looks like. It's good to be reminded not to go to those dry wells for water, but if I do, I need to see the situation clearly and take responsibility for my own actions that brought on more pain. The new job scenario reminds me of this song: 🎶When you complain and criticize I feel I'm nothing in your eyes It makes me feel like giving up Because my best just ain't good enough Oh! Oh no, don't bring me down 🎶 (Gerry Goffin & Carole King)
When I woke up today (the day after I watched this video) I realized that the wells around me weren't dry but they were poisoned and I didn't know it. I also just remembered that before I watched this video I had just watched one at Sergio and Rhoda in Israels's channel which showed them finding the WELL that the Jewish Patriarch Abraham had dug in the Negev desert. The King of the Philistines sent his soldiers to take the WELL from Abraham, so he negotiated with the king and was allowed to keep the WELL for his people. They named the town that was built around the WELL Be'ersheba, which means 7 WELLS in Hebrew, but 'sheba' also means 'oath' so 'Be'ersheba' can also mean 7 Oaths because Abraham gave 7 goats and rams to the king in exchange for being allowed to keep the WELL. Abraham was following God's commandment to sacrifice his son when suddenly a ram appeared and he was told by God to sacrifice the ram instead. Alot of us feel like scapegoats and sacrificial rams in our families of origin.
57 years since I was a kid . Was the youngest and scapegoat with two of the worst narcissist parents and two older sisters . Was put down , gaslit , told I was as crazy when told the truth . As I got older and spoke up my father ignored me . Long story short they put my aunts and kids against each other . Ten years ago left everyone and moved 1000 Miles away
wow you said a lot... i was having a difficult time understanding.. my guess is that my inner family or false self or conditioned self was actually blocking me from hearing what you were talking about.. i did get the part about me taking responsibility for my behavior..
I learned to tell them fairy tales for their faity tell thinking, once apon a time .....there was a great king that looks just like u _ he was gandsome and beautiful and everyone worshiped him. Nitey nite.
The "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is false. Words can be used as verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect. Words alone can cause Complex PTSD for a child. We can tell ourselves "they're just calling me a coca-cola", but over time we can introject that we *are* a "coca-cola" and it takes real work to undo introjection. If someone keeps calling us a coca-cola, we need to set boundaries up to and including no contact.
Stay myself while staying connected is maturity. That’s good. How do we know when cut off or at least a very limited contact is appropriate. My father explodes on me in a demeaning way in his own reactivity. Do I leave when those specific events happen, he’s never been a father in anyway and has always been angry abusive and demeaning but at times he’s pleasant enough. What’s healthier, setting calm boundaries when he rages or just drift away to focus on my own family and life?
Really great question. Going no contact or low contact does not equal to cutting off. You can stay connected with someone (for example by non reactively seeing their limitations) and still choose out of self love to keep distance that is appropriate for you. This can be a great topic for a separate video. I recommend looking through this playlist, I have a few videos where I discuss this: ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W3NwueDfL2n7nDetlOQOSRP
Thanks for the video links and your response! This is the very crux of your work. I feel like I’ve been doing this work my entire adult life. I will continue forward.
Yah. For me it’s more about noticing how tired and otherwise feeling like I’m being drained or sucked dry. Difficulty with boundaries etc. And that’s why I think the simple step of moving further away will help me better focus on my own needs and just living my own life. In my case I’m also surrounded by the wonky fam biz where the whole hood is full of addictive personalities, users, greedy leeches and adult toddlers…who see me as a “parent” for some reason. So in that regard I have to wonder about just the fact that I’m so surrounded by it and outnumbered. Even if I’m not the best boundary holder, there is def something to say about reducing the sheer number of people coming after you all the time like the rabid paparazzi. Plus like you start over in a new town, it’s a very good thing to not have that sort of pre imposed “caretaker” reputation. In the process of moving and I’m quite excited. Lol. It used to be worse with both the abuse and my reactivity, but nowadays this pervasive leeching sort of atmosphere is my biggest complaint. How I’m so often pulled on and interrupted with their constant immature “needs” to the point I wonder when I’m ever gonna get to do MY own thing for once. Which is why moving makes me having my own life far more likely than staying around here.
Enabling... yulck... I have a better understanding of this Word now. Reacting to the system... started to understand... am I an adult, ?, doesn't seem like it.
Hello dear Jerry. I’d be delighted to interview you on my podcast. I serve homeschool moms helping them to nurture the nurturer. I have written on self-differentiation and it brings up a lot of conversation when I do. I’d love to have you join me on the podcast.
What if your Dad caused your Mom’s death and has not allowed you to know enough to break free. He has tried to have my neurologist kill me or lock me up. He has sabotaged and kept me sick. My whole family is narcissistic. My parents followed me through grade school, did not let me out of the house until age 18. They also put me on medication and kept me so isolated I did not know anything about the world when they dropped me off at college. MyDad is still a sadistic pedophile, I have a generation skipping trust yet to terrified to learn about it. My Mo m was very clear about wishing me harm. I have not known how to reach out for help as they would become best friends or give money to any therapist I saw. I’m trying to learn what I missed growing up.
I don’t entirely agree with having to adjust your reactions in order to remain within the “system.” Why stay in the system if it’s toxic? I had to do so for my kids but once they were adults I pretty much removed myself from that system. My brothers would ask, “why don’t you visit mom?” I would just make excuses. They didn’t know what I dealt with growing up so Jerry was wrong about that point as well. I never told them, or my kids, bc I didn’t want my feelings about her to poison anyone else’s. When my kids were older and she had passed away, I did share some of the drama I had to live with. Removing one’s self from “the system” is self-preservation, imo
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Fighting for acceptance from my mother has ruined my life. Your videos helped me get into therapy. My mother asks me so many questions to get my business just so she can invalidate and put me down. Now I share nothing with her I validate myself! So freeing
That's exactly my experience as well. Interrogation followed by criticism. I wish I could share, but I can't.
Yes! Npd sister does same….🤐🤐
I have been through the same thing! Keep your life private and be proud of yourself, it's life changing. The narcissist doesn't approve of anything.
Sorry you went through that. I pray your strength in the Lord IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN.
Wow, this sounds just like my Nmom. Giving no information is sooo important. I call my mom "the trojan horse". She should work for the CIA. She uses compliments as currency, in order to get information and invalidate. It's an invisible poison.
I expect something different because she tells me she wants to be there, and because she is my mom!! I want my mom to love me the way other moms love their kids. But you're right; she isn't capable of stepping outside of her mindset.
It has been very difficult to accept that she isn't ever going to celebrate me in an honest and loving way. She *wants* others to interact with her as if she were emotionally available/emotionally safe...but when push comes to shove, it's all about her own immediate comfort.
@pageashleypage - you describe it so well especially the part about not being celebrated, as I go through the same thing with my mom. A lot of narc parents want the benefits of a emotionally-intimate relationship without them having been emotionally-intimate with us. So they expect a lot of things that they actually haven't earned.
So much of these relationships are about having to reparent ourselves and teach ourselves the gift of emotional availability (the gift of celebrating ourselves in other words). Only when we feel like we can solidify in this way, can we then maintain some semblance of a relationship with a narcissistic parent. But for that, we have to work on ourselves first. I've had to initiate going No Contact (from Low Contact/gray rocking) with my parents because my mom was being far too clingy and demanding with my time and availability (not to mention, she would treat me like we are closer than we actually are and start giving unwarranted personal advice). I figured going no contact was the best thing I could do (for my own sanity and sanity of the people I deal with here on a daily basis), and eventually I may reinstate contact.
💯
It's important to always remember the (DIFFERENCE) between a reactive "cut-off"...& a mature well thought out decision to go no-contact with a toxic/unhealthy individual.In my opinion a mature no-contact decision is oftentimes 1 of the pillars of our self-differentiation process because we're not able to grow & ultimately bloom and live our best healthiest life with really unhealthy/toxic people in our personal lives🌞👍.
This needed to be brought up in the video. Well said.
That story about sharing your new job with a narcissistic mother.... It happened to me a few years ago, before i got into therapy!!! Spooky how accurate this was!!!!!
I have a family gathering every Wednesday. I have programmed a cellphone alarm at 8.30 p.m. to remid me, not to wait for validation, share as little information as posible and not to be reactive, so that I do not make them happy with the frustration and pain feelings, that their envy, lack of love and cruelty produce in me
Can you stop going or only go bi-monthly?
I’ve been isolated from both sides of my family yet they have definitely parentified their children.
Yes - “keep going back to an empty well expecting to get water” is your choice and is on you. Hard truth I learned over the years with my folks. Don’t waste your time. Face they have a disorder just like some people have visible symptoms or diseases that our crying about it won’t change them. Life is short to waste our own power on these people.
Yeah. If my mom found out if I got something new she would ask how much it would cost. Then she would say something like, I hope you can keep it. In reality she wasn't hoping for the best for me and wanted things to fail in my life. So she could have something negative to say whether it be in my face or behind my back.
We desperately need someone to be emotionally available to us. It's so painful when the one person who occasionally does so, refuses.
Lets be that someone to ourselves ❤
You will be more powerful and peaceful if you learn to be fully emotionally available to yourself. Then whatever another person can provide is a lovely bonus. No one can be emotionally available to you all the time, everyone has to take care of themselves as well.
@@truerosie first, yes.
Or when they give you that adoration, then rip it away once you do/say something you don't like. Their acceptance is always based on a condition of whether they like you at the moment or not.
Of course, when you point this out, they give you the "I'm your family member, I'll always love you, but that doesn't mean I have to like everything you do" excuse, that they KNOW is reactionary abuse.
I love the “empty dry well” metaphor so much. It brought so much clarity.
I'm so glad it resonated :)
I’m eight years out since going no contact and it’s been pretty rough trying to navigate my healing journey with so much information out there. So thankful for your content Jerry I feel like I’ve found the right guidance that is specific to my situation at this stage of my life. Keep these coming!
Hello, Jerry. Thank you so much!!! I find this clarification very useful!!! Now I an aware I did not fully understand it. This term is crucial for healing dysfunctional patterns.🤔🤔🤔
I’m glad the video was helpful in making the term more clear. It really is crucial for recovering and separating unhealthy dynamics and patterns. Thank you for watching
Sad realities accepted becomes wisdom ! Much gratitude to your insightful work that you share generously Jerry
Narcissists are “controllers”. I am NOT a ‘controller”. I share my thoughts, but i expect nothing back.
The timing of this video is impeccable, Mr. Wise. Thank you!
Self-differentiation is:
- Salvation 🙌
Thank you for this lesson. This is vital / fundamental / crucial / indispensable / pivotal / central / primary / ultimate ...and all the similar terms I can find in the dictionary as I am a non-native English speaker.
You also made a real life example (of the narcissist mother) so validating for me.
I was 100% in that horrible situation because I was trained since childhood to report everything (and I mean everything) to my mother - otherwise she accused me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't open enough to my mom, etc.
Actually she wanted the highest control on me as well as on everyone I met. Then, sometimes, most probably when the info I told her was not important for her gaining control... She told me I was talking too much, I was annoying, I was repeating useless things, etc. This behaviour caused me much chaos.
As an adult I found myself many times with my habit to tell her so many information... As if I needed to do it. As if it was my own need.
Some time ago, I discovered what narcissism is. I stopped telling her many information. It's not my need at all.
In this way, sometimes she insists to know a minimal and apparently irrelevant detail about my life...
But at this point I recognize the pattern and I know very well that the detail will become a dangerous weapon if I hand it over to her (and I also know why). So I find a way not to reveal it. So, she gets angry and she accuses me of everything. I usually tell her, "It's such a small detail that I forgot it. Why do you want to know it so badly? Why is it important to you?" Then she changes her tactics and replies "oh! it's absolutely not important for me!. It's just a curiosity of mine". My reply, "if it's not that important, then you can understand why I forgot."
She continues, "No! you know it but you don't want to tell me!" .
Me, "I don't understand why you keep insisting on these things." And I keep on not telling her.
Jerry, my conversation still surely have many weaknesses... but I'm trying to learn... And above all my goal is my inner calm when these things happen. Working on this
My Mom became my supporter and my brothers became the abusers. I never saw that one coming.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, I hope my videos can help you on your healing and self differentiation journey
Excellent video. Thanks for the clarity and refreshing insights Jerry. Self responsibility feels like such a healthy and eempowering goal.
Great mentor Jerry. Stay blessed ❤
Thank you 🙌
Thanks Jerry! It's taken me a long time but finally I'm not going to that dry, empty well anymore!
Thank you for this video…. It just reinforces everything that I have to deal with… my Mother is bi-polar and I also think she is narcissistic. Or, the bi-polar brings out narcissist like behaviors. I stopped sharing my personal life with her a long time ago….thank you for this😢
Thank you Jerry.
You are absolutely correct. Thanks for sharing this info as well. Because it is very much so needed. Thank you SO much. God bless. ❤❤❤
Jerry, this video is just what I needed!! Thanks again!! I didn't know What i in this. It has information much needed.
Such a beautiful message. It gives me hope that I can find a resolution with my father. The metaphor of a dry well helps. I learned that my mother was this way when I was a child and had to learn how to stop going to her. It was a hard lesson then, but now I have to learn it for several other family members too. Not sure how to have self integrity but prayer seems to help.
I knew everyone in my family was unsafe when I was adopted as a baby.
Then we seemed to have become healthier once us kids grew up and became adults.
Then I found out that three of them (mother included), had been smearing me behind my back my entire adult life too --- and telling lies about me as well.
@@websurfer5772Sorry you went through that. I pray your strength in the Lord in Jesus' name. AMEN.
@@ladennayoung2939 Thank you very much for your prayer. It means a lot tom me.
Thank you so much, Jerry
Your wisdom is a gift to this world, thank you for everything you do
Jerry, I love your videos, especially the ones on self-differentiation. They have helped me so much. What I struggled with in this video is not the content that was there but what was missing. Never once did you say that it's a normal and natural thing for a child to want to have the acceptance of a parent. I get that you're saying we're adults now and that we're not going to get that need fulfilled by the parent, but where is the tenderness towards us that we need to grieve this very huge loss that has completely dysregulated our nervous systems into adulthood?
Thank you Jerry. You have helped me so much. I have made so much progress thanks to your videos ❤
Bless your work Jerry. Ireland
Thank you very much Grace. Greetings to Ireland
Thank you Jerry!☘️💚🍀
Damn, this was a hard truth to accept
This video is such a game changer 🤯 wow. I think I finally get it 🎉 also, I keep spacing at all the most interesting and beneficial points bc I was raised to blank out anything that contrasted the NPD cult narrative…the good news is now I’m at least able to catch myself doing it and the ability to rewind is also liberating because I grew up in a remote stricken environment. I feel like after I master self regulation, I might be just a regular functioning human. Bless you 💕
Exactly. Stop telling, stop asking. It is what it is and move on. And no contact works great for me. 😊👍
No contact can be a powerful tool for many. If you’re looking for more strategies or support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Thanks, Jerry. This is helpful. I like seeing what healthy looks like.
It's good to be reminded not to go to those dry wells for water, but if I do, I need to see the situation clearly and take responsibility for my own actions that brought on more pain.
The new job scenario reminds me of this song:
🎶When you complain and criticize
I feel I'm nothing in your eyes
It makes me feel like giving up
Because my best just ain't good enough
Oh! Oh no, don't bring me down 🎶 (Gerry Goffin & Carole King)
When I woke up today (the day after I watched this video) I realized that the wells around me weren't dry but they were poisoned and I didn't know it.
I also just remembered that before I watched this video I had just watched one at Sergio and Rhoda in Israels's channel which showed them finding the WELL that the Jewish Patriarch Abraham had dug in the Negev desert. The King of the Philistines sent his soldiers to take the WELL from Abraham, so he negotiated with the king and was allowed to keep the WELL for his people. They named the town that was built around the WELL Be'ersheba, which means 7 WELLS in Hebrew, but 'sheba' also means 'oath' so 'Be'ersheba' can also mean 7 Oaths because Abraham gave 7 goats and rams to the king in exchange for being allowed to keep the WELL.
Abraham was following God's commandment to sacrifice his son when suddenly a ram appeared and he was told by God to sacrifice the ram instead.
Alot of us feel like scapegoats and sacrificial rams in our families of origin.
Dont go to a dry well for water _ got it _ so simlple
amazing insight Jerry. resonate, much appreciated as always.
57 years since I was a kid .
Was the youngest and scapegoat with two of the worst narcissist parents and two older sisters .
Was put down , gaslit , told I was as crazy when told the truth . As I got older and spoke up my father ignored me . Long story short they put my aunts and kids against each other . Ten years ago left everyone and moved 1000 Miles away
Thank you! Excellent video, and I gained so much clarity from it.
I’m glad it was helpful Christine, thank you for watching :)
Thank you! Loved the content.
Jerry, another excellent and extremely helpful video. God Bless you. Eileen
This was really good. I really i fées roof everything using your example. And thank you for not putting music in the background.
Thank you for another great video Jerry!
Glad you enjoyed it
Good to know--I can be very reactive
wow you said a lot... i was having a difficult time understanding.. my guess is that my inner family or false self or conditioned self was actually blocking me from hearing what you were talking about.. i did get the part about me taking responsibility for my behavior..
good video! I wish this resource was available 20 yrs ago!
I learned to tell them fairy tales for their faity tell thinking, once apon a time .....there was a great king that looks just like u _ he was gandsome and beautiful and everyone worshiped him. Nitey nite.
Very interesting
healing. thank you
So perfect! I wish your mom was different. Exactly. We do. But she’s not
So true. Thank you!
Thanks for watching!
I differentiate from systems that keep me blind. I live in my house, but I am not my house.
your video is really very helpful
This guy gets it
The "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is false. Words can be used as verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect. Words alone can cause Complex PTSD for a child. We can tell ourselves "they're just calling me a coca-cola", but over time we can introject that we *are* a "coca-cola" and it takes real work to undo introjection. If someone keeps calling us a coca-cola, we need to set boundaries up to and including no contact.
Stay myself while staying connected is maturity. That’s good. How do we know when cut off or at least a very limited contact is appropriate. My father explodes on me in a demeaning way in his own reactivity. Do I leave when those specific events happen, he’s never been a father in anyway and has always been angry abusive and demeaning but at times he’s pleasant enough. What’s healthier, setting calm boundaries when he rages or just drift away to focus on my own family and life?
Really great question. Going no contact or low contact does not equal to cutting off. You can stay connected with someone (for example by non reactively seeing their limitations) and still choose out of self love to keep distance that is appropriate for you.
This can be a great topic for a separate video.
I recommend looking through this playlist, I have a few videos where I discuss this:
ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W3NwueDfL2n7nDetlOQOSRP
Thanks for the video links and your response! This is the very crux of your work. I feel like I’ve been doing this work my entire adult life. I will continue forward.
great content, wishing for beauty in your background screen
Yah. For me it’s more about noticing how tired and otherwise feeling like I’m being drained or sucked dry. Difficulty with boundaries etc. And that’s why I think the simple step of moving further away will help me better focus on my own needs and just living my own life. In my case I’m also surrounded by the wonky fam biz where the whole hood is full of addictive personalities, users, greedy leeches and adult toddlers…who see me as a “parent” for some reason. So in that regard I have to wonder about just the fact that I’m so surrounded by it and outnumbered. Even if I’m not the best boundary holder, there is def something to say about reducing the sheer number of people coming after you all the time like the rabid paparazzi. Plus like you start over in a new town, it’s a very good thing to not have that sort of pre imposed “caretaker” reputation. In the process of moving and I’m quite excited. Lol. It used to be worse with both the abuse and my reactivity, but nowadays this pervasive leeching sort of atmosphere is my biggest complaint. How I’m so often pulled on and interrupted with their constant immature “needs” to the point I wonder when I’m ever gonna get to do MY own thing for once. Which is why moving makes me having my own life far more likely than staying around here.
7:00
Enabling... yulck... I have a better understanding of this Word now. Reacting to the system... started to understand... am I an adult, ?, doesn't seem like it.
Sharing your work phone number with a narcissistic mom? Uh, no. Never.
❤❤❤
I dont wantnto be connected tho
Hello dear Jerry. I’d be delighted to interview you on my podcast. I serve homeschool moms helping them to nurture the nurturer. I have written on self-differentiation and it brings up a lot of conversation when I do. I’d love to have you join me on the podcast.
Please contact me at jerrywise5@gmail.com. thank you for the invite
What if your Dad caused your Mom’s death and has not allowed you to know enough to break free. He has tried to have my neurologist kill me or lock me up. He has sabotaged and kept me sick. My whole family is narcissistic. My parents followed me through grade school, did not let me out of the house until age 18. They also put me on medication and kept me so isolated I did not know anything about the world when they dropped me off at college. MyDad is still a sadistic pedophile, I have a generation skipping trust yet to terrified to learn about it. My Mo m was very clear about wishing me harm. I have not known how to reach out for help as they would become best friends or give money to any therapist I saw. I’m trying to learn what I missed growing up.
I hope you are healing and doing well. I wish you all good.
Im still confused
Write me with your questions. jerrywise5@gmail.com
You have to leave and start over like you were an orphan .
I don’t entirely agree with having to adjust your reactions in order to remain within the “system.” Why stay in the system if it’s toxic? I had to do so for my kids but once they were adults I pretty much removed myself from that system. My brothers would ask, “why don’t you visit mom?”
I would just make excuses. They didn’t know what I dealt with growing up so Jerry was wrong about that point as well. I never told them, or my kids, bc I didn’t want my feelings about her to poison anyone else’s.
When my kids were older and she had passed away, I did share some of the drama I had to live with. Removing one’s self from “the system” is self-preservation, imo