Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
My take away when this video came to an end is this: it is not loving to want the other person to change. That’s control. The loving thing to do is radically accept the other person and set them free.
Wow - The last part of the video hit home. I ended a long relationship with a man because he could not connect emotionally in any way I could feel. I have been thinking maybe I didn't try enough, maybe I didn't say the right thing, maybe he would finally be open to working on himself. Then you said MISMATCH and I was relieved. the more healing work I did the less I could tolerate being with a man always in neutral.
This info is so valuable! I did exactly what you said. I was in 2 long-term relationships, where when I pushed for us to get closer, the other person would always reject or fight me in some way or disappear. Finally I held up the mirror to myself and said something is wrong. I am much better at emotional attunement now, and when it doesn't happen I no longer throw all energy into the relationship. I let it go
You have just saved me hundreds of $ of therapy. This is the kind of info that should be explained in counseling, but isn't. Your explanation of different kinds of attachments is so clear and if were more main stream, could save lots of relationships. I will put what you said here in practice because that is exactly what I needed to hear. THANK YOU!
Bingo. I have been in and out of relationship with the same individual for 11 years. Your videos, and this one in particular, have been very helpful to me as I try to both sort out the push / pull and reconcile myself to the fundamental differences that make it impossible for us to sustain a relationship that meets both of our needs. I can not thank you enough for making this material available in a form that I have been able to understand and integrate. I finally feel able to let go, not only of the person, but of the anger, hurt and frustration. You are doing important work and I thank you for it.
Alan, your channel has the best content I have ever come across on RUclips on relationships. Unlike most of the relationship guru nonsense that RUclips is full of. Very grateful for these videos
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work and glad to hear it's helpful for you. If you like this content then you may also like the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. Topics include all types of relationships, not just partner relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for your clarity. I spotted this issue ages ago in my relationship, but didn't have the knowledge to start working on myself until I got to your videos. I've learned that I have a preoccupied- anxious attachment style, and am dating a man with a dismissive avoidant style. It was a terribly frustrating and lonely place to be as I tried to explain to him several times why it's not working for me. He admitted he didn't understand what I was on about, but wanted reassurance our relationship was OK, even suggesting I should stop thinking and just be happy. On coming across your videos on Attachment Theory I've realised he's not going to ever be able to understand where I'm coming from, and I'm not as frustrated about it now I realise he is not being deliberately selfish and hurtful. I'm busy putting in the work on myself now so I can finally get unstuck from the ongoing anxiety and probably the relationship too, and move on with a new phase of my life.
I spent years trying to get my husband to understand that I needed more closeness. He would respond by saying "you're never happy". I finally got in therapy because there must be something wrong with me and I found out there WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!! I've been happily divorced from him for many years 🙂
I'm the preoccupied person, wife has switched to dismissive, fear type. We are doing the porcupine dance. Can we heal our attachment trauma and change the relationship patterns and come to emotionally reconnect as there is still love and support in our marriage? Am I deluded?
@@joincoffee9383 That was the question of a lost scared man who at the time did not recognize that the other had become a complete narssicist to the point now she doesn't get her supply for her 2 youngest children and only a little from her overachieving first son, so you are correct it has to be both... Both that recognize there own issues and want to change. Unfortunately it took 2 motorcycle wrecks, broken collarbone, 4 broken ribs (1 twice) bruised lung lots of road rash and facing major surgery to rebuild or remove a finger for me to realize this, my poor kids. I only hope you didn't have as difficult a time finding this out 🤣🤣🤣 thank you
Hi Dina. Thanks for watching this video. I'm glad you got a concluding message out of it. If you want to talk to other like-minded folks who value improving relationships, then please join us in the membership community. We'd love to have you as a member. I'll include a link below to learn more. If you value my videos and the content offered here, then you'll get continued value in the community. Join us and jump into the conversation with others today. Here's the link to learn more about the 8-week program and to register: www.alanrobarge.com/community/ If you have any questions, please ask. Best, Alan
Oh my gosh Alan you are brilliant! You are speaking to me and my self. Please keep up the excellent work you are doing in these video's. It is a challenge for me to watch and absorb so it will take me time to get through them all. Thank you again for all your hard work.
Oh my gosh your comment is super kind! Thank you for the endorsement. I'm thankful that you watch the videos and that they speak to you. More videos to come soon.
The crushing thing is that the avoidantly attached present as available and interested in the beginning. It goes so quick and is exhilarating. I thought I found my girl. Then she started distancing and only came back when I decided to go. Now she’s back in the dating market again. It just keeps repeating. As an anxious preoccupied male it was crushing to see that. Everyone ghosts her but she said no one ever treated her as well as I did. That’s exactly why I got rejected. The grief and heartbreak is real.
This cuts deep... Having a disorganized attachment style I never understood what is "wrong with me"... Pull - Push... It is the single biggest obstacle in my life. At this point I feel like I will never have a secure relationship beacues it is almost impossible to explain people what is the feeling of this... I was on a brink of nervous brakedown in my last relationship and lost the relationship with a woman that I still love. 2 years later I am still trying to get over myself and that relationship. But I'm not giving up! Thank you Mr. Robarge.
Man I am so messed up 😭 I hate/love this channel. I feel so small, but with a understanding of what is going on, and it is explained so well, you know he knows what he is talking about and has a level of understanding that doesn't make me feel bad about my attachment disfunction. Love the porcupine analogy, hilarious and sad because it's true
Thanks David. This content can create and bring out a range of feelings. You're not alone. Since you like this video, you might also like learning about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I created a quiz. You are invited to check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks for valuing my work and videos.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thanks again for all your help. Haven't been able to stop watching. You are so awesome I really appreciate your replies it is nice to see you care about the work and people who you are helping. Keep it up you are making a difference in people's lives. Thanks 😊
My understanding of insecure attachment styles naming is as follows: 1. Anxious / Ambivalent / Resistant (in children) = Preoccupied (in adults) 2. Avoidant (in children) = Dismissing Avoidant / Dismissive Avoidant (in adults) 3. Disorganized / Disoriented (in children) = Fearful Avoidant (in adults)
This information was never available to me. If someone had of told me this instead of constantly trying to “work on it” ….. the time saved …. Thank you thank you thank you for your wisdom and liberation to anyone who needs this.
Glad my work speaks to you. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics and share them with others. Glad it brings value. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This man has helped me so much to understand a lot of issues i have struggled with for the last 10 yrs plus that I have endured during my 35 year marriage. I watch and have watched for a couple of years. Most I have watched more than twice 😊 He is a wonderful teacher and obviously a great person blessings to this man!!
Alan , I am grateful for the calm clarity that you share your wisdom of some crucial life changing truths in such a kind and compassionate way, Thanks for raising awareness and consciousness in me and so many others , God bless !
Good point. Yes, we explore the shared range in relating that is available. We talk more on this topic in the Community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, this video dovetails right into a course I recently created. To learn more take The Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship distress, which can be a gauge for when there isn't enough of shared range: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You are the bomb and are exactly what I needed at this very moment, because I’m ready!!!! I love your idea if agency. So profound and necessary for me, and so very timely. Thank you, thank you m, thank you! Your work is a true blessing and mind opening, bringing in a level of awareness that I’m finally ready for and am able to see.
This is wonderful news. Good for you. Thanks for valuing my videos. Glad you are benefiting. I created the membership community as a way for us to dialogue about our self-directed healing work and map out focus. We are a kind, supportive bunch of like-minded learners. Please consider joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much! Myself, and my lover, both have a form of this and I'm working on myself. I didn't know I had this! As you stated with people behaving in a manner. And I know e hasn't a clue that he has this. Just that he is in the Masculine energy and keeps to himself when under stress to deal with it inside his head. This video made so much sense to me and I'll need to watch and listen several times! Thank you so very much! You done a great service and I have subscribed now! 😊
A really concise video, thank you for sharing, ive watched and liked a lot of your videos now, and this was the most 'pleasantly worded' .. consideration to leave a miss matched attachment style ive heard to date! My life awakening past relationship was with a hypo somatic covert narcasist, and after lots of couples counselling attempts at the end of that, and months on end of watching grannon and vaknin videos, predominantly, ive been on my empath self healing work mostly with you. Recently i became involved with a friend of appox 6 months, and it was amazing to be opening up to a fellow empath, and both wanting to take it slow. she joking likes to call it being wierdly thoughtful, but after only a few weeks some strong push,-pull messages started to come across. ive been trying to figure these out and listen to all the advise on not ignoring other bad behaviours or making excuses for people, to not over compensat.so, im trying to figure out if im ment to walk away, or what the issue is so k can think of a resolve. From watching this, i believe her to be ambiviant or dis-organised, (ive been a little ambivilant myself).The dis-organised sounds very possible with knowing her childhood trauma, and i just wanted to ask you to share slme more on the 'not yet incorporated trauma' comment. Maybe if you or someone could point me towards further info on this, and if this is possible as an attachment type as well as being preoccupied anxious?:-)
Not in your head at all! Many of us have experienced this same fear, but you're not alone in this. We explore these ideas and learn more about them in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Your videos are so so so so insightful and interesting. I am able to pursue my healing work with a bit more clearance thanks to your videos. Plus let me say that your voice is very soothing and great to listen to
Fabienne, thank you for the supportive comment. I am glad to hear that you receive benefit from my videos and that you are finding clarity. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Wow. Just came across you and already watched a bunch of your videos and it did way more for me than any other person or therapy session. Thank you so so much. You’re work is incredible. Do you have any written work or know of anyone else you could suggest to delve deeper into attachment style, healing yourself and anything covering emotional abuse in childhood and adult relationships and how to heal from that? My mother and spouse both ignore my emotional needs and have a wonderful friendship with each other. My spouse likes to back talk people, is generally negative, name calls, has made financial threats, has called me ugly (I’m not), has said unfair and demeaning things about me to my children, is dismissive and minimizing, lacks compassion and empathy, will not allow for healthy communication and doesn’t seem to have any remorse for hurting me or others. I’d love to have some conversation on this. I know many others who do too I can refer to you. Thank you. ❤️
I appreciate the feedback. I'm glad you see the value. Thank you for letting me know my work is impactful for you. If this content is beneficial then you may also benefit from taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. It dovetails from this video and goes deeper into attachment behavior. Thanks again for your comment. Here's the link. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I love all the information in these videos, but the end of this one hurts. If the only answer is to leave the relationship, then how does a distancer learn to come close? ... If they leave the relationship, they will just find another person to distance from. How does a distancer heal their attachment trauma so they can learn to connect with a partner? I know, “it depends”. I watched that video too. ;). I just want the quick fix. :)
Thanks for your support! I'm glad you found this video to be helpful. If you're interested in learning more, I invite you to take the quiz, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Here's the link: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
James, you're welcome. Glad you this one resonated. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Ruchika, you're welcome and thank you for valuing my work. If you would like to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out these links: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
I have a question, I have a secure style, I got involved with a younger man, as soon we got intimate he starts to show some sign of insecurity that in the time I did not realize was serious.In the time I suffer myself from insecurity as moving to the new country, new language, worry about work and money. This young man started with me with his ex-involved, then he will speak about other women, then one night he told me a guy kissed him. I realize whatever he was trying to do was affecting my insecurity. My attachment changed than to anxious style, I was breaking up and makeup, this on and off started. Now that manage to balance my personal life I going back to secure style again. My question is< it seem the advice for an anxious and avoidant is to date a secure partner but it seems you can work with an anxious person but how do you work as a secure person with an avoidant person. In my experience with my fearful avoidant ex, he was shutting me down, he didn't invite me to his place or present me to his friends, he will distance me from his life, he refuses or makes excuses to celebrate birthdays, well my birthday or do anything meaningful with me. he will come to my apartment but I am never invited to his. I understand there is fear but how anyone secure or not can build a relationship with such person?
@@Alphacentauri819 bthe change said it right. I was in the exact same scenario. First the relationship was great then same thing I was never to come to his house, he even told me don't come without calling first. This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you. He may even be seeing someone else. Love yourself no matter how painful. Get a good therapist and in time you'll be strong enough to figure out the truth, whatever that is. Please take care of yourself
This happened to me. The individual in question damaged my mental and emotional well-being! I stayed too long with a dismissive avoidant partner. Wish I had this knowledge then! Leave these types if they refuse to consider how their behaviour effects you and can’t collaborate or co-regulate!
Abigail Parker actually I think it's the difference between having a parent(s) who enmeshes and doesn't have boundaries and having parents who adnadon and ignore.
Great content. Thanks for the video! What kind of attachment style would it be when you are anxious about getting a person and feeling very scared, trapped and somewhat out of love when you get that person or that person finally falls for you? Is that disorganized or fearful-avoidant?
Thank you Alan, This is very good information, not too much for me, great job! I was able to walked away from an anxious/ambivelant/avoidant after 9 months because of the in-depth information such as yours, validating my experience with him, I made the decision based on what was best for me. Your video just reinforced my decision was correct. You spoke of the necessity of a "shared emotional state" to have a balanced relationship. How does one gauge anothers actual emotional status for emotional warmth, mirroring, verbal exchange, attunement etc. in a new relationship when the chemistry and excitement cause us to projecting in our thrill to have found someone we want to be with? I have a guy pursuing me who is 64, (I'm 65) who has never been married. What questions should I be asking him? I fear he maybe avoidant too. Thank you, Kit
@@katrinat.3032 Why? I've never been married. Not a red flag? Being married does not make you better people. Just people who wanted a wedding, or to please "god" or maybe just didn't need legal contracts to have partners. You're comment is stone-aged
Julie they’re correct it could be a red flag. It makes sense why you would feel triggered by that statement since you’ve never been married. But in fact, dismissive avoidance have a tendency to decide not to marry or commit due to the dismissive avoidant belief system that they “aren’t for relationships” or “don’t need other people,” or along those lines. It could also speak to someone who has not done sufficient emotional work. Sure, someone could choose their own self in a lifetime for healthy reasons, but when dating we must consider the underlying factors behind people’s motivations if we are to find ourselves in a happy long term situation.
Hi, this is a great breakdown. Can you launch a video (or, do you already have one) on two people who are finding that they can overlap and be within a range, and are trying to work on that. What should be their ongoing work as individuals and as a couple?
Marisa, thanks for the interesting questions. That is a great exploration of shared range in relationships. While I cannot always answer questions directly due to the range of conditions and history unique to each situation, I do value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions. I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you for watching! Due to the nature of this video, you might be interested in my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. I talk about each of these in my course. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
🙃
My take away when this video came to an end is this: it is not loving to want the other person to change. That’s control. The loving thing to do is radically accept the other person and set them free.
Wow ya
Hell no. If the person is hurting you & hurting themselves you are going to want them to change PERIOD.
Yeah, set them free alright.
Wow - The last part of the video hit home. I ended a long relationship with a man because he could not connect emotionally in any way I could feel. I have been thinking maybe I didn't try enough, maybe I didn't say the right thing, maybe he would finally be open to working on himself. Then you said MISMATCH and I was relieved. the more healing work I did the less I could tolerate being with a man always in neutral.
Annie O yeah I feel like the mismatch word is rly what makes it click
This info is so valuable! I did exactly what you said. I was in 2 long-term relationships, where when I pushed for us to get closer, the other person would always reject or fight me in some way or disappear. Finally I held up the mirror to myself and said something is wrong. I am much better at emotional attunement now, and when it doesn't happen I no longer throw all energy into the relationship. I let it go
You have just saved me hundreds of $ of therapy. This is the kind of info that should be explained in counseling, but isn't. Your explanation of different kinds of attachments is so clear and if were more main stream, could save lots of relationships. I will put what you said here in practice because that is exactly what I needed to hear. THANK YOU!
m moore b
Do you mean could “terminate” lots of relationships
Aye!
Bingo. I have been in and out of relationship with the same individual for 11 years. Your videos, and this one in particular, have been very helpful to me as I try to both sort out the push / pull and reconcile myself to the fundamental differences that make it impossible for us to sustain a relationship that meets both of our needs.
I can not thank you enough for making this material available in a form that I have been able to understand and integrate. I finally feel able to let go, not only of the person, but of the anger, hurt and frustration.
You are doing important work and I thank you for it.
Alan, your channel has the best content I have ever come across on RUclips on relationships. Unlike most of the relationship guru nonsense that RUclips is full of. Very grateful for these videos
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work and glad to hear it's helpful for you.
If you like this content then you may also like the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. Topics include all types of relationships, not just partner relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You are amazing. You are making a difference in this world. Thank you for your kind gift of sharing this information with the world. :)
Thank you for your clarity. I spotted this issue ages ago in my relationship, but didn't have the knowledge to start working on myself until I got to your videos. I've learned that I have a preoccupied- anxious attachment style, and am dating a man with a dismissive avoidant style. It was a terribly frustrating and lonely place to be as I tried to explain to him several times why it's not working for me. He admitted he didn't understand what I was on about, but wanted reassurance our relationship was OK, even suggesting I should stop thinking and just be happy. On coming across your videos on Attachment Theory I've realised he's not going to ever be able to understand where I'm coming from, and I'm not as frustrated about it now I realise he is not being deliberately selfish and hurtful. I'm busy putting in the work on myself now so I can finally get unstuck from the ongoing anxiety and probably the relationship too, and move on with a new phase of my life.
I spent years trying to get my husband to understand that I needed more closeness. He would respond by saying "you're never happy". I finally got in therapy because there must be something wrong with me and I found out there WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!! I've been happily divorced from him for many years 🙂
I'm the preoccupied person, wife has switched to dismissive, fear type. We are doing the porcupine dance. Can we heal our attachment trauma and change the relationship patterns and come to emotionally reconnect as there is still love and support in our marriage? Am I deluded?
@@davidzirbel5190 it will have to be both of you willing to change the self. You can’t decide for her
@@joincoffee9383 That was the question of a lost scared man who at the time did not recognize that the other had become a complete narssicist to the point now she doesn't get her supply for her 2 youngest children and only a little from her overachieving first son, so you are correct it has to be both... Both that recognize there own issues and want to change. Unfortunately it took 2 motorcycle wrecks, broken collarbone, 4 broken ribs (1 twice) bruised lung lots of road rash and facing major surgery to rebuild or remove a finger for me to realize this, my poor kids. I only hope you didn't have as difficult a time finding this out 🤣🤣🤣 thank you
you are a totally doing what you were brought into this world to do! i'm glad you are here and helping so many.
The end tied it altogether ! I get it. No match. Accept misery or move on to potentially better.
Hi Dina. Thanks for watching this video. I'm glad you got a concluding message out of it. If you want to talk to other like-minded folks who value improving relationships, then please join us in the membership community. We'd love to have you as a member. I'll include a link below to learn more.
If you value my videos and the content offered here, then you'll get continued value in the community. Join us and jump into the conversation with others today.
Here's the link to learn more about the 8-week program and to register: www.alanrobarge.com/community/
If you have any questions, please ask. Best, Alan
Oh my gosh Alan you are brilliant! You are speaking to me and my self. Please keep up the excellent work you are doing in these video's. It is a challenge for me to watch and absorb so it will take me time to get through them all. Thank you again for all your hard work.
Oh my gosh your comment is super kind! Thank you for the endorsement. I'm thankful that you watch the videos and that they speak to you. More videos to come soon.
The crushing thing is that the avoidantly attached present as available and interested in the beginning. It goes so quick and is exhilarating. I thought I found my girl. Then she started distancing and only came back when I decided to go. Now she’s back in the dating market again. It just keeps repeating. As an anxious preoccupied male it was crushing to see that. Everyone ghosts her but she said no one ever treated her as well as I did. That’s exactly why I got rejected. The grief and heartbreak is real.
Empathy to you. These can be challenging dynamics. Many of us have also been there.
wow, just amazing and life changing. Thank you for this video!
This cuts deep... Having a disorganized attachment style I never understood what is "wrong with me"... Pull - Push... It is the single biggest obstacle in my life. At this point I feel like I will never have a secure relationship beacues it is almost impossible to explain people what is the feeling of this... I was on a brink of nervous brakedown in my last relationship and lost the relationship with a woman that I still love. 2 years later I am still trying to get over myself and that relationship.
But I'm not giving up!
Thank you Mr. Robarge.
Man I am so messed up 😭 I hate/love this channel. I feel so small, but with a understanding of what is going on, and it is explained so well, you know he knows what he is talking about and has a level of understanding that doesn't make me feel bad about my attachment disfunction. Love the porcupine analogy, hilarious and sad because it's true
Thanks David. This content can create and bring out a range of feelings. You're not alone. Since you like this video, you might also like learning about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I created a quiz. You are invited to check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks for valuing my work and videos.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thanks again for all your help. Haven't been able to stop watching. You are so awesome I really appreciate your replies it is nice to see you care about the work and people who you are helping. Keep it up you are making a difference in people's lives. Thanks 😊
My understanding of insecure attachment styles naming is as follows:
1. Anxious / Ambivalent / Resistant (in children) = Preoccupied (in adults)
2. Avoidant (in children) = Dismissing Avoidant / Dismissive Avoidant (in adults)
3. Disorganized / Disoriented (in children) = Fearful Avoidant (in adults)
This information was never available to me. If someone had of told me this instead of constantly trying to “work on it” ….. the time saved …. Thank you thank you thank you for your wisdom and liberation to anyone who needs this.
Glad my work speaks to you. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics and share them with others. Glad it brings value.
If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This man has helped me so much to understand a lot of issues i have struggled with for the last 10 yrs plus that I have endured during my 35 year marriage. I watch and have watched for a couple of years. Most I have watched more than twice 😊 He is a wonderful teacher and obviously a great person blessings to this man!!
I appreciate the feedback. Glad this content is helpful for you.
Alan , I am grateful for the calm clarity that you share your wisdom of some crucial life changing truths in such a kind and compassionate way, Thanks for raising awareness and consciousness in me and so many others , God bless !
The fact is you can’t change your partner but you can find someone that matches better with your needs if you stay open minded
Good point. Yes, we explore the shared range in relating that is available. We talk more on this topic in the Community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, this video dovetails right into a course I recently created. To learn more take The Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship distress, which can be a gauge for when there isn't enough of shared range: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You are the bomb and are exactly what I needed at this very moment, because I’m ready!!!! I love your idea if agency. So profound and necessary for me, and so very timely. Thank you, thank you m, thank you! Your work is a true blessing and mind opening, bringing in a level of awareness that I’m finally ready for and am able to see.
This is wonderful news. Good for you. Thanks for valuing my videos. Glad you are benefiting. I created the membership community as a way for us to dialogue about our self-directed healing work and map out focus. We are a kind, supportive bunch of like-minded learners. Please consider joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much! Myself, and my lover, both have a form of this and I'm working on myself. I didn't know I had this! As you stated with people behaving in a manner. And I know e hasn't a clue that he has this. Just that he is in the Masculine energy and keeps to himself when under stress to deal with it inside his head.
This video made so much sense to me and I'll need to watch and listen several times! Thank you so very much! You done a great service and I have subscribed now! 😊
Very awesome video. Thanks it explains the "whys".
A really concise video, thank you for sharing, ive watched and liked a lot of your videos now, and this was the most 'pleasantly worded' .. consideration to leave a miss matched attachment style ive heard to date! My life awakening past relationship was with a hypo somatic covert narcasist, and after lots of couples counselling attempts at the end of that, and months on end of watching grannon and vaknin videos, predominantly, ive been on my empath self healing work mostly with you. Recently i became involved with a friend of appox 6 months, and it was amazing to be opening up to a fellow empath, and both wanting to take it slow. she joking likes to call it being wierdly thoughtful, but after only a few weeks some strong push,-pull messages started to come across. ive been trying to figure these out and listen to all the advise on not ignoring other bad behaviours or making excuses for people, to not over compensat.so, im trying to figure out if im ment to walk away, or what the issue is so k can think of a resolve. From watching this, i believe her to be ambiviant or dis-organised, (ive been a little ambivilant myself).The dis-organised sounds very possible with knowing her childhood trauma, and i just wanted to ask you to share slme more on the 'not yet incorporated trauma' comment. Maybe if you or someone could point me towards further info on this, and if this is possible as an attachment type as well as being preoccupied anxious?:-)
Two feelings cross my radar. Frightened and relieved. Need I say more?
Thank you! I see that pulling away from my 6 month crush was necessary no matter how much I care for him. I just don't get my needs met.
great clarity. You're welcome. Glad this resonated for you.
Thank you for providing this information. I had no idea what I feel so often actually has a term.
Very very helpful!!! Thank you!! You confirmed it’s not just in my head!!!
Not in your head at all! Many of us have experienced this same fear, but you're not alone in this.
We explore these ideas and learn more about them in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Your videos are so so so so insightful and interesting. I am able to pursue my healing work with a bit more clearance thanks to your videos. Plus let me say that your voice is very soothing and great to listen to
Fabienne, thank you for the supportive comment. I am glad to hear that you receive benefit from my videos and that you are finding clarity. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Wow. Just came across you and already watched a bunch of your videos and it did way more for me than any other person or therapy session. Thank you so so much. You’re work is incredible. Do you have any written work or know of anyone else you could suggest to delve deeper into attachment style, healing yourself and anything covering emotional abuse in childhood and adult relationships and how to heal from that? My mother and spouse both ignore my emotional needs and have a wonderful friendship with each other. My spouse likes to back talk people, is generally negative, name calls, has made financial threats, has called me ugly (I’m not), has said unfair and demeaning things about me to my children, is dismissive and minimizing, lacks compassion and empathy, will not allow for healthy communication and doesn’t seem to have any remorse for hurting me or others. I’d love to have some conversation on this. I know many others who do too I can refer to you. Thank you. ❤️
I appreciate the feedback. I'm glad you see the value. Thank you for letting me know my work is impactful for you. If this content is beneficial then you may also benefit from taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. It dovetails from this video and goes deeper into attachment behavior. Thanks again for your comment.
Here's the link.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You are simply the best 😘😘😘
I love all the information in these videos, but the end of this one hurts. If the only answer is to leave the relationship, then how does a distancer learn to come close? ... If they leave the relationship, they will just find another person to distance from. How does a distancer heal their attachment trauma so they can learn to connect with a partner? I know, “it depends”. I watched that video too. ;). I just want the quick fix. :)
Such an interesting video, thank you. Question: Do preoccupied rel styles tend to be attracted to avoidant or dismissive rel styles?
sooooooooooooo helpful - thank you!
Thanks for your support! I'm glad you found this video to be helpful. If you're interested in learning more, I invite you to take the quiz, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Here's the link: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This was great! Thanks
James, you're welcome. Glad you this one resonated. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
brilliant
thanks
Excellent video!!
Thanks April.
Amazing
WOW!!!!! 🤯🤯🤯 Thank you!
Thank you!
Many thanks for this video
Ruchika, you're welcome and thank you for valuing my work. If you would like to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out these links:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
I have a question, I have a secure style, I got involved with a younger man, as soon we got intimate he starts to show some sign of insecurity that in the time I did not realize was serious.In the time I suffer myself from insecurity as moving to the new country, new language, worry about work and money. This young man started with me with his ex-involved, then he will speak about other women, then one night he told me a guy kissed him. I realize whatever he was trying to do was affecting my insecurity. My attachment changed than to anxious style, I was breaking up and makeup, this on and off started. Now that manage to balance my personal life I going back to secure style again. My question is< it seem the advice for an anxious and avoidant is to date a secure partner but it seems you can work with an anxious person but how do you work as a secure person with an avoidant person. In my experience with my fearful avoidant ex, he was shutting me down, he didn't invite me to his place or present me to his friends, he will distance me from his life, he refuses or makes excuses to celebrate birthdays, well my birthday or do anything meaningful with me. he will come to my apartment but I am never invited to his. I understand there is fear but how anyone secure or not can build a relationship with such person?
@@Alphacentauri819 bthe change said it right. I was in the exact same scenario. First the relationship was great then same thing I was never to come to his house, he even told me don't come without calling first. This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you. He may even be seeing someone else. Love yourself no matter how painful. Get a good therapist and in time you'll be strong enough to figure out the truth, whatever that is. Please take care of yourself
The evidence points to him being with another person/s/. Find a healthier person.
This happened to me. The individual in question damaged my mental and emotional well-being! I stayed too long with a dismissive avoidant partner. Wish I had this knowledge then! Leave these types if they refuse to consider how their behaviour effects you and can’t collaborate or co-regulate!
Thank you so helping !!!
Why does the same attachment trauma lead to different attachment styles?
How long is a piece of string?
Namaste.
Abigail Parker actually I think it's the difference between having a parent(s) who enmeshes and doesn't have boundaries and having parents who adnadon and ignore.
Super awesome to get gas lighted in a "relationship" while starting a medical transition. The last four years have made my stomach hurt around people.
American Scapegoat wow, that sucks. I’m sorry you experienced this.
I have definitely been Pre-Occupied Anxious in every relat. I ever cared about - working on it now. But, damn this is hard...
残酷な天使のように
,
少年よ 神話になれ
Like an angel with no sense of mercy.
Rise young boy, to the heavens like a legend.
Great content. Thanks for the video! What kind of attachment style would it be when you are anxious about getting a person and feeling very scared, trapped and somewhat out of love when you get that person or that person finally falls for you? Is that disorganized or fearful-avoidant?
Thank you Alan,
This is very good information, not too much for me, great job!
I was able to walked away from an anxious/ambivelant/avoidant after 9 months because of the in-depth information such as yours, validating my experience with him, I made the decision based on what was best for me. Your video just reinforced my decision was correct.
You spoke of the necessity of a "shared emotional state" to have a balanced relationship. How does one gauge anothers actual emotional status for emotional warmth, mirroring, verbal exchange, attunement etc. in a new relationship when the chemistry and excitement cause us to projecting in our thrill to have found someone we want to be with?
I have a guy pursuing me who is 64, (I'm 65) who has never been married. What questions should I be asking him? I fear he maybe avoidant too.
Thank you,
Kit
Never been married, could be a red flag
@@katrinat.3032 Why? I've never been married. Not a red flag? Being married does not make you better people. Just people who wanted a wedding, or to please "god" or maybe just didn't need legal contracts to have partners. You're comment is stone-aged
Julie they’re correct it could be a red flag. It makes sense why you would feel triggered by that statement since you’ve never been married. But in fact, dismissive avoidance have a tendency to decide not to marry or commit due to the dismissive avoidant belief system that they “aren’t for relationships” or “don’t need other people,” or along those lines. It could also speak to someone who has not done sufficient emotional work. Sure, someone could choose their own self in a lifetime for healthy reasons, but when dating we must consider the underlying factors behind people’s motivations if we are to find ourselves in a happy long term situation.
THIS. 💕🙌💯
Hi, this is a great breakdown. Can you launch a video (or, do you already have one) on two people who are finding that they can overlap and be within a range, and are trying to work on that. What should be their ongoing work as individuals and as a couple?
Marisa, thanks for the interesting questions. That is a great exploration of shared range in relationships. While I cannot always answer questions directly due to the range of conditions and history unique to each situation, I do value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions.
I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you
Thank you for watching!
Due to the nature of this video, you might be interested in my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. I talk about each of these in my course. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I want to become securely attached so badly.....
Waaw?