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A people pleaser sounds similar to someone with a social phobia. In pathological shame, fear of rejection, no boundaries, no inner strength of personality, lack of authenticity.
A people pleaser is a result, not the underlying problem. Deep in the unconscious is a frightened child, and people pleasing is a defensive act, to protect that child.
@@doyourbestleavetherestabsolutely, its exhausting now that I know myself. Trying to do better and end relationships that I know I have been taken advantage of.
You are. Shutting down and repressing emotions disconnects you from yourself and prevents you from connecting with others. The part where Oliver talks about living behind a pane of glass is incredibly accurate, and the worst part is you don't even know it's there until you manage to get rid of it. Cannot recommend this book enough, and would definitely recommend finding a men's support group to help you with this. You can fix it, you can live the life you deserve, you just have to be brave enough to let go of the tools that got you through childhood and are no longer serving you.
I am a people pleaser that raised a people-pleasing son. Now he is getting married to a narcissist woman and I am devastated. She controls everything he does and is not allowed to come to visit me alone.
My uncle married a narc woman, she puts her venom in him. Only after I had an opportunity to move to the USA she started hating me, because I had this opportunity she didn’t have. So she worked to put my uncle against me, to taunt me. Now I’m no contact with the whole family. There are several narcs in my family. I hope your son will see through her. If you are a believer, pray for him to see the real truth.
Is he happy? Narcissistic partners are no joke. The woman my grandfather remarried (as a widower) was like that. Thankfully he eventually divorced her. If you can reach out to your son and be there for him in a nonjudgmental and supportive way it will probably help him be able to appreciate the safety of more healthy relationships/people
I relate to this so much, and I'm a woman. I have repressed rage from always putting other peoples' needs (especially emotional needs) first at the expense of my wellbeing
Yesssss-the anger. I get so mad and I know it is my control being nice that leads to unmet needs. I now have to take a breath to realize I am really angry at myself for giving too much and then feeling mad when no one gives back!
Most of us people pleasers come from our childhoods, its the way we had to be to please our parents...it happened to me. Found it tough getting through life, but we have to learn to say no to others and live our own lives...
I'm a woman and resonate a lot with this. It originated from childhood with a father who had severe anger issues. I would walk on egg shells and people please out of fear of getting hurt. Now as an adult I continue people pleasing to avoid getting hurt or offending others. However I still end up hurt since my kindness is taken advantage of. It took several years to step back and ask myself why do I allow this to continue? I am on the road of setting boundaries and "being the villain" when saying no to people and accepting their reaction. I have betrayed myself for too long and no one is going to safe you.
Can relate to always feeling the need to smile and the crows feet that comes from that lol. I would notice that after a social situation that I would leave feeling empty yet my face muscles would be sore.
Try being the person who NEVER smiles. When I FINALLY learned why I never smiled and connected the dots (the usual childhood stuff, abuse and neglect) I started smiling. People don't like people who never smile as they feel like that person is angry as F, which I was.... I've learned a lot. seek and ye shall indeed find....
Wow, you just described me. I am a retired woman and everything you described was how I was from the time I was a young child. I got some therapy in my 40s and that helped I can see where I still have people pleasing tendencies. Thanks for your video. Keep on going.
Same here. I was early trained to people please to survive or at least try to keep the boat from capsizing. Funny enough it was an auto accident that put me in a state of needing to use my own energy for myself and not chronically serving others. This has been a slow but welcomed experience of gaining my own life and having a say instead of acquiescing to the neediest or boldest in the room.
I am definitly a people pleaser and I feel like I almost unconsciously protected/reinforced those patterns by working as a server in a restaurant for my whole life. Those traits helped me being good at my job but now it just feels like I ve never really done anything for myself. I appreciated your video, thank you for sharing your experience!
I felt the same way when I became a flight attendant, where you're expected to be nice to everybody 24/7. I was like, wtf have I done to myself. But after time, observing hundreds of people reacting different ways to the same pleasing technics, it actually helped me become more assertive and understand that pleasing doesn't work for anybody. Some things are just a NO on the airplane, some things are just a NO in your personal life, and you have to spit it out, no matter how hard it is to say at first.
Thank you … you have pleased me, an old lady … including not saying ‘like’ every other word or even at all! Well done for your clear presentation and honesty. X
This is very interesting because I’m not a guy, but I’ve also been a people pleasing person myself. You did a wonderful job in telling your story. Very good points
Me neither-but it is the same problem. They say nice women are often attacked because we don't listen to our gut and leave situations because we are polite-OOf-that one hit me hard.
That you acknowledged that you had a part in the end of the relationship and that you sought to change your behavior and your way of thinking is one of the most rare insights people have. I plan to share this video with my husband who is a 100% people pleaser.
I have been taking some time to isolate myself-just being alone with me. It is not fun at first but I find that I am learning to enjoy getting energy back from my dependence on others to make me feel good.
I know that I and many women have the pleaser sindrome… I didn’t realise that men ALSO can suffer from this. God bless you for sharing this and working on yourself 🤗💚💚💚💚⭐️👍🏼
@@OliverCowlishaw Toxic shame is the worst. THe guilt and self-loathing. Intellectually I know why it is there but it is hard to push through it. I am trying to enjoy life, but find myself pleasing with work and doing for others and then exhausted and resentful!
I disliked the book because it felt like reading advice from someone hating themselves when I went through an already brutal time. You can view yourself and the way you interact with the world detached and figure out why certain things don't work how you want it. While it took some years, I figured out that being nice is not the worst thing you can do. Be a gentleman. People love it. Avoid toxic people like the pleague. Be honest but not cruel. In romantic relationships be prepared to fight every now and then instead of ducking away until you've actually solved your issues and you'll be fine.
^ recommend the book How To Win Friends and Influence People. Felt less self deprecating than other books I read and more instructive on what makes people like who and why. It’s kind of an old book but most of what I read from it so far I agree with and find the traits in people I ACTUALLY look up to and respect in my day to day life.
@@xdlr22 Thank you for that recommendation!👍 I have that book but just hadn't gotten around to reading it yet. I have other books that I'm reading but I will move it up my list so I will read that one next.
My whole life, I've been a people pleaser because of my upbringing. In my marriage, long-term relationships, and even friendships, I'm always accommodating. This always leads to a point where I'm being taken advantage of, but when I start being openly disrespected, I just bail. This seems out of the blue, cold, and sometimes brutal to those who were so close to me, sometimes for years, who were so suddenly shut out of my life so utterly. At 55, I've learned to be happy and content being alone, and I avoid almost any kind of friendship or relationship. Oh - and big surprise: I was raised by a man-hating single mother with my manipulative older sister.
That's exactly what people-pleasing is. It's all driven by guilt, shame and the underlying belief that we aren't okay (and need to be something else in order to be liked). It's amazing that you're aware of it, though.
@@OliverCowlishaw Exactly-I started out by making up reasons and overexplaining my "no"-this is also exhausting. I recall being 3 and feeling like I needed no one. Then my parents made us feel shame, like we were not okay, stupid, or just beat us up for no reason. I always felt afraid and was bullied in school, no matter how nice I was. I feared becoming my narc parents but unfortunately went to other way-over pleasing which was also toxic.
I say No a lot -- alot a lot. The love of self is paramount for every person. With that, you will never let someone manipulate you, much less disrespect you much.
Thank you for a wonderful and extremely helpful talk. As you spoke of about this, I felt like you were “ stalking” me. I just purchased the book. It’s never too late to learn something even at age of 60.
I have this unnatural feeling of rejection whenever a friend d shows any sense of annoyance or disagreeable with me. No matter how hard I try I feel empty. No matter how hard I try, I feel like no one wants to be in my life. It’s depressing and I know that there is something in my life that needs to change.
As @2020Token mentioned, attachment issues are tied into nice guy syndrome pretty intricately. Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style in which you're hyper aware of other's reactions and take them incredibly personally. You can fix this and become secure, and Dr. Glover's book will help. Once you start putting yourself first and enforcing boundaries, you will start to feel more secure. The book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller will help you identify and address underlying attachment issues.
I STUPIDLY crashed a motorcycle on a beautifully sunny day on a gorgeous mountain road BECAUSE I let rage of a bitter past breakup almost kill me… & tear up my bike. I emerged relatively unscathed… amazingly, with some passing motorists stopping to aid me. The GOOD thing about this ‘mishap’ [100% MY FAULT] was the resounding ‘wake-up call’ it was, bringing a flurry of things into focus about myself that were dreamily idiotic… … like ill advised romances. My life got a lot better after that motorcycle crash, & I consciously chose to be a different person… & would check myself if slipping… … & this carried over into my career as well.
Step 1: What are my needs? What are my preferences? Ask yourself that. Step 2: Embrace your masculine energies. Step 3: Recognise and watch the hidden toxic shame in you that makes feel you are broken or bad. And that your needs are broken or bad. Step 4: Make a list of, What we are tolerating? from other people. Step 5: Fulfill your needs unhesitantly Directly head on.
Thank you so much. I'm happy to see a true example of someone who get out of the people pleaser syndrome. I'm on the journey of getting free and this gives me hope.
People usually confuse being genuine with being rude. You don’t need to tarnish your message with offending words, just to show your stamina, sir. Keep up in the journey of discovering YOURSELF.
Good stuff. You took responsibility and did the work. Watching this is like looking in a bloody mirror - I also had a string feeling of shame since I was a kid and thought 'masculine' stuff was ... repellent? One thing I did for suppressed rage was to sit with that rage when I felt it. I sat with it and observed it for 20 minutes. Just looking at that feeling of rage without all the associated thoughts. Voila!! That one session had a huge impact on dissipating rage and anxiety. Do this with your regret. It works. (I just wanted to share this technique with people because it really worked for me).
You know, even if you can't sign up for a course sign up for Olivers emails .... they may hit a nerve ..but it's a step towards healing ....many thanks !😊
Hello Oliver, so much of your content relates to me so I just wanted to say a big thank you for making these videos. Your content has been really helpful in diagnosing my main problems and understanding how to move forward, which Im just starting to do, so once again thank you very much and I really hope your channel gets the attention it deserves.
I read that book a year ago. I am recovered from codependency now. It took 12 months of intense research and reflection into codependency, cptsd, abandonment trauma, narcissism psychopathy and more topics besides.
Pleased to see a relatively smaller [or just not massive, I guess] channel getting pushed to my feed, and well done! Keep it up! I liked the info and your demeanor, and I'mma check out that book.
You inspired me to buy this book, and let me tell you, it has had a profound impact on me, even in just the last two weeks after reading it. I feel like I have hope again, and that I’m actually connecting with who I am.
Wow. Different circumstances, but the same root issue(s) and eventual recovery (ongoing). "Toxic shame", and the others...have you been stalking me outside my house, Oliver? lol I am buying the book this week. Thanks. Subscribed.
I thought I am a people pleaser, but watching this video I realised that on my own I managed to start stepping in the right direction. I've recently started hanging out with men more, very recently for the first time I admitted to someone I'm not okay, and I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with myself. Interesting seeing this video now
Even from watching the video for 18 seconds I feel you are a good presenter! I actually made a video on peoplepleasing as well, feel free to watch if you want. I go in depth where people pleasing comes from (Childhood)
You aren’t telling the whole truth here : women cannot feel safe with a man they don’t respect. It’s not something they can control. It’s hardwired and for good reason.
I was lucky having mostly male teachers in an old fashioned grammar school. So many organisations are now female dominated and women keep on presenting themselves as being hard done by. Women can also be very good at manipulating nice guys - my ex-wife was brilliant at it. I felt guilty all the time and I was always apologising.
Your face is the most obvious thing you wear; your smile the best way to improve your magnetism. It makes you feel better as soon as you do it, try it. It makes others perceive confidence and an internal achievement - far more important than being a rat in a race. This is not nice guy syndrome, but needs to be said. It is physiological and prompts an improved mood. I am in sales, work with highly pressured people, and glide above many of my co-workers in success. I am asked to do public speaking to represent the business which helps my career, asked to do training,...they want a happy person to show the company is a place you can be happy and it is true. If you are insecure, it does help you feel a little better and will help you be confident - sorry, its a fact, but is not nice guy syndrome discussed here. Do count your blessings and be grateful - you are alive and able to do things. It creates social magnetism in all of western society. In nations with much oppression, or police states, people will see you as a fool or crazy - do not do this where people rarely smile. I always have a slight smile when greeting, volunteering, and helping others - it can makes them feel better as well and we live in a society where interconnection, generosity, and gratefulness only help you. Or be a loner, do not care about the others and keep them away. Your life.
This is a very relatable video, you described my scenario almost perfectly and i really appreciate this video. I'm defintely going to the book a read and take the steps to change who i am as a man.
To be called a people pleaser has always been a subtle putdown. Women like someone to lead and take responsibility. I remember being called a pleasant wimp. I didn't like that. It was true. Made me think! We can't lead if we don't have a cause. It's not enough to become a dominant ego. As Oliver says, it's not about going from wimp to jerk. We need to find and be strong in a noble cause and inspiring cause in the service of others. Jesus gives us a good example of strength, leadership and purpose in the service of others with gentleness and humility. Follow him. The Bible is a good book too, to inspire courage and real manliness.
I found an easy way to enable myself to say No. Since I tend to overthink, I turn that into a strength by saying "I'm gonna think it through before I give you a definite answer." By the time I have thought it through, people give up. 🤣
That's actually brilliant. Most of the time, people pleasers agree to things without thinking. Taking the space to think before responding is super important. You also gave me an idea for a video. Thankyou very much, brother.
I suspect you learned your people pleasing from all of the women you grew up around, I think we women probably do a lot of people pleasing ( well those over 50 anyway, thankfully the women of a younger generation have woken up and have a society now where you don’t have to cow-tow to get anywhere ) great video for men and women thanks ❤
The light went on for me as a people pleaser when someone I’ve always been kind to decided to stop speaking to me. I used to turn myself inside out dealing with this bullshit, always blaming myself. I didn’t realize two things. A. That person is the asshole. B. No one is that special. Really wish that would’ve dawned on me a lot sooner.
11:02 when you said "I started asking for these needs directly" My first response was "No, you dont do that" with a shocked reaction as if you had broken into someone's house 😮
Honestly, you just described me and I am a 47 y old woman😊 I came to the realization of who I really am and how to handle it a few years ago. I wish I had this book in my 20s.
How great! Thank you! I've been working through this a long time ,and your perspective is fresh! Something funny to tell you. I'm a longtime acupuncture client, a poetically beautiful view of the body, that links emotions & spirit, in a way that western medicine trivializes. It's urinary bladder that is the organ of courage, as evidenced in the animal kingdom by urine marking territory. As well that courage is a unisex quality. Some brokenness is as absolute as an amputation. Affirmations weren't enough. A different strategy called for
Watched my father live and die like this, treated like a dog by my mom. Here is the amazing part: Externally my father was an HIGHLY successful and high status man. 6f3. good looking. blue eyes. good shape. very high status job. socially not just popular but downright glamerous. And with women he was George Mc Fly from Back to the Future. I inherited about 50% of this conditioning. it's an extra mind-bend when your parents get lot of 'social validation.' Fuck this. If you ever watched the movie "mother dearest," that was my mom with my dad (and us kids). My dad became a very emotionally shut down man. A great man who died alone and humiliated.
So the book is an insightful read. Also pick up something that relates to personal responsibility. The idea is start relying on just yourself if others fall flat on their agreements. Finally a definite help in handling situations that leave you unprepared to handle is to like he said write down what happened, what should have happened, what was said, wha should have been said and a written story for your self as to how you want things to go in the future. It does not help to just think it through. It is the writing process that is required to hard wired thinking for your mind to make timely decisions in the future. The writing process focuses the mind in a good way. It really makes you better.
Humans are so complex, yet we try to find the easiest explanation to our problems. I am not sure there is even a path that will work for everyone. Everybody I know is so different that I'm sure the advises from this book wouldn't work for them. Nice video anyway. Nice voice and good storyteller. I finally learned the origin of p*ssy :).
Would one recommend this book for work-related people pleasing? I don't really suffer this issue in romance but the workplace is where its truly most detrimental to my health, well-being and career.
life is full with ego 😢 its very hard to satisfy women everyday its only make there ego higher and higher they will never say i love you so stop wasting yourtime and accept the reality and become gay
I don't entirely agree, but i find your argument and delivery compelling. Honestly, we don't have enough "nice guys". Most men can't communicate their "niceness", their compassion or their intelligence. And can come over as dull, cynical and locked in a version of themselves that has more to do with societal expectations of masculinity and their own insecurities around what a man should be. Certainly, men shouldn't be push overs in their relationships. Take a woman to dinner, study how she treats the waiters and low key workers, you will get an insight into how she might one day be treating you. Best advice from me: charm is hugely under rated, be charming, widen your intellectual scope and just aim to be the best version of you.
I have 95% female friends since I became 30, they are less touchy to tease and the tone never gets lurid, I can always end the drinking on a night out as male friends just go on and on and if they do find a partner you will still see them, a male friend that finds a partner can be gone forever.
Journalling is the most powerful personal growth tool you have at your disposal. Click to download my free 31-day fillable PDF. It gives you a single high impact prompt every single day. Download here: bit.ly/3ZQ54cx
This was me exactly. Sacrificed 60yrs for an ungrateful family. Woke up on my 60th birthday, and started learning how to recognize narcissism.
A people pleaser sounds similar to someone with a social phobia. In pathological shame, fear of rejection, no boundaries, no inner strength of personality, lack of authenticity.
Not sure I agree with that. It might be two different things. Also the characteristics listed could probably fit anyone.
@@Rick40years I don't think he was saying they are the same thing, just that they have similar characteristics!
Its a result of familial narcissism.
A people pleaser is a result, not the underlying problem. Deep in the unconscious is a frightened child, and people pleasing is a defensive act, to protect that child.
Bingo!
🎯
And people sense that like mice smelling cheese and bully you to control you.
@@doyourbestleavetherestabsolutely, its exhausting now that I know myself. Trying to do better and end relationships that I know I have been taken advantage of.
Well yeah, Oliver said that.
The book is “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover
Thank You he talks tok much for me lol
No more Mr. clean
Thanks! It’s horrible when people keep babbling endlessly instead of giving the information promised in the title…
@@GhostRider-uk3xvVincent!
Ah. Thx.
Read it about 10 years ago. Decent book.
Constantly pleasing others is ACTIVE BETRAYAL TO YOURSELF.
- It’s also very manipulative.
@@Victoria-c4n Agreed, what felt like the only way to get others to like me feels so off now, even if unintended.
@@lulumoon6942 - At least we grow!
@@Victoria-c4n Always! 🙏
yes!
People pleasing just ruin my life,I never think of my self,most times I feel I disconnected from my self.
Awareness is a great first step in overcoming the problem 🔥
You are. Shutting down and repressing emotions disconnects you from yourself and prevents you from connecting with others. The part where Oliver talks about living behind a pane of glass is incredibly accurate, and the worst part is you don't even know it's there until you manage to get rid of it. Cannot recommend this book enough, and would definitely recommend finding a men's support group to help you with this. You can fix it, you can live the life you deserve, you just have to be brave enough to let go of the tools that got you through childhood and are no longer serving you.
Emotional dysregulation from familial narcissism - scapegoating.
Maybe complex PTSD
Say no to everything you don't want in your life. Stand up for yourself and be assertive.
I am a people pleaser that raised a people-pleasing son. Now he is getting married to a narcissist woman and I am devastated. She controls everything he does and is not allowed to come to visit me alone.
Ouch
My uncle married a narc woman, she puts her venom in him. Only after I had an opportunity to move to the USA she started hating me, because I had this opportunity she didn’t have. So she worked to put my uncle against me, to taunt me. Now I’m no contact with the whole family. There are several narcs in my family. I hope your son will see through her. If you are a believer, pray for him to see the real truth.
Heal yourself and heal him before he has kids and repeats the cycle
Find a way to explain this to him. So he can at least not grow people pleaser himself. Cheer.
Is he happy? Narcissistic partners are no joke. The woman my grandfather remarried (as a widower) was like that. Thankfully he eventually divorced her. If you can reach out to your son and be there for him in a nonjudgmental and supportive way it will probably help him be able to appreciate the safety of more healthy relationships/people
I relate to this so much, and I'm a woman. I have repressed rage from always putting other peoples' needs (especially emotional needs) first at the expense of my wellbeing
Yesssss-the anger. I get so mad and I know it is my control being nice that leads to unmet needs. I now have to take a breath to realize I am really angry at myself for giving too much and then feeling mad when no one gives back!
Most of us people pleasers come from our childhoods, its the way we had to be to please our parents...it happened to me. Found it tough getting through life, but we have to learn to say no to others and live our own lives...
Familial narcissism, scapegoat, know it well.
And abuse from parents-how do we please them to not get beaten or verbally abused?
I'm a woman and resonate a lot with this. It originated from childhood with a father who had severe anger issues. I would walk on egg shells and people please out of fear of getting hurt. Now as an adult I continue people pleasing to avoid getting hurt or offending others. However I still end up hurt since my kindness is taken advantage of. It took several years to step back and ask myself why do I allow this to continue? I am on the road of setting boundaries and "being the villain" when saying no to people and accepting their reaction. I have betrayed myself for too long and no one is going to safe you.
SAME!!!!
- Being a people pleaser is exhausting.
Decide who you’re likely to piss off and just live with the consequences. Because you’re going to piss off somebody.
My wife and I notices when living in Canada that everyone loved you when you said yes. But when we started saying no……!
Can relate to always feeling the need to smile and the crows feet that comes from that lol. I would notice that after a social situation that I would leave feeling empty yet my face muscles would be sore.
Try being the person who NEVER smiles. When I FINALLY learned why I never smiled and connected the dots (the usual childhood stuff, abuse and neglect) I started smiling. People don't like people who never smile as they feel like that person is angry as F, which I was.... I've learned a lot. seek and ye shall indeed find....
Highly underrated video. Well worth the watch! Thank you for making it.
Wow, you just described me. I am a retired woman and everything you described was how I was from the time I was a young child. I got some therapy in my 40s and that helped I can see where I still have people pleasing tendencies.
Thanks for your video. Keep on going.
Same here. I was early trained to people please to survive or at least try to keep the boat from capsizing. Funny enough it was an auto accident that put me in a state of needing to use my own energy for myself and not chronically serving others. This has been a slow but welcomed experience of gaining my own life and having a say instead of acquiescing to the neediest or boldest in the room.
I am definitly a people pleaser and I feel like I almost unconsciously protected/reinforced those patterns by working as a server in a restaurant for my whole life. Those traits helped me being good at my job but now it just feels like I ve never really done anything for myself. I appreciated your video, thank you for sharing your experience!
I felt the same way when I became a flight attendant, where you're expected to be nice to everybody 24/7. I was like, wtf have I done to myself. But after time, observing hundreds of people reacting different ways to the same pleasing technics, it actually helped me become more assertive and understand that pleasing doesn't work for anybody. Some things are just a NO on the airplane, some things are just a NO in your personal life, and you have to spit it out, no matter how hard it is to say at first.
Thank you … you have pleased me, an old lady … including not saying ‘like’ every other word or even at all! Well done for your clear presentation and honesty. X
This is very interesting because I’m not a guy, but I’ve also been a people pleasing person myself. You did a wonderful job in telling your story. Very good points
Me neither-but it is the same problem. They say nice women are often attacked because we don't listen to our gut and leave situations because we are polite-OOf-that one hit me hard.
We were pleasing our parents to avoid conflicts or to upset them. Because we were blamed for their emotions or nervousness.
That you acknowledged that you had a part in the end of the relationship and that you sought to change your behavior and your way of thinking is one of the most rare insights people have. I plan to share this video with my husband who is a 100% people pleaser.
I don’t strive to please everyone, but I do strive to live in peace with everyone. If it is up to me anyway.
🙏
Bro that is just twistedly saying of pleasing everybody.
I have been taking some time to isolate myself-just being alone with me. It is not fun at first but I find that I am learning to enjoy getting energy back from my dependence on others to make me feel good.
I know that I and many women have the pleaser sindrome… I didn’t realise that men ALSO can suffer from this. God bless you for sharing this and working on yourself 🤗💚💚💚💚⭐️👍🏼
Thank you for making this.
Step 1: Neediness 4:43
Step 2: Masculinity 6:14
Step 3: Shame 7:40
Step 4: Boundaries 8:40
Step 5: Ask 9:52
This is me!!! Started in childhood. I am breaking free ty for this video!
ha, never knew the expression came from that pusillanimous word.
Fact that he defines pussy is absolutely incredibly hilarious
That was awesome.
and still people pleaser since he is afraid to say out loud pussy
So really its pussi
I typed that into Google to doublecheck the definition … that was a mistake 😂
Fr
Shame is a tough one... where it originated hurts.
Absolutely.
@@OliverCowlishaw Toxic shame is the worst. THe guilt and self-loathing. Intellectually I know why it is there but it is hard to push through it. I am trying to enjoy life, but find myself pleasing with work and doing for others and then exhausted and resentful!
I disliked the book because it felt like reading advice from someone hating themselves when I went through an already brutal time. You can view yourself and the way you interact with the world detached and figure out why certain things don't work how you want it. While it took some years, I figured out that being nice is not the worst thing you can do. Be a gentleman. People love it. Avoid toxic people like the pleague. Be honest but not cruel. In romantic relationships be prepared to fight every now and then instead of ducking away until you've actually solved your issues and you'll be fine.
"Avoid toxic people like the plague " I totally agree!
@@Guy-tq1wrIs there a surefire way to identify a toxic person?
^ recommend the book How To Win Friends and Influence People. Felt less self deprecating than other books I read and more instructive on what makes people like who and why. It’s kind of an old book but most of what I read from it so far I agree with and find the traits in people I ACTUALLY look up to and respect in my day to day life.
@@Jules-740
Dr Ramani is an expert on narcissism and identifying toxicity in others and ourselves if we have the desire to learn.
She is on RUclips.
@@xdlr22 Thank you for that recommendation!👍 I have that book but just hadn't gotten around to reading it yet. I have other books that I'm reading but I will move it up my list so I will read that one next.
My whole life, I've been a people pleaser because of my upbringing. In my marriage, long-term relationships, and even friendships, I'm always accommodating. This always leads to a point where I'm being taken advantage of, but when I start being openly disrespected, I just bail. This seems out of the blue, cold, and sometimes brutal to those who were so close to me, sometimes for years, who were so suddenly shut out of my life so utterly. At 55, I've learned to be happy and content being alone, and I avoid almost any kind of friendship or relationship. Oh - and big surprise: I was raised by a man-hating single mother with my manipulative older sister.
We are twins.❤
I was raised by narcs. All of us kids are a mess.
Those people will get their karma trust
In the first min, you words really got me straight into my heart. Yes, we the pleasers tend to be lonely at heart
It feels like if I don't act kind to them I will became a bad person.... And the problem is I cant say no to anyone it's really a bad thing
That's exactly what people-pleasing is. It's all driven by guilt, shame and the underlying belief that we aren't okay (and need to be something else in order to be liked). It's amazing that you're aware of it, though.
And being kind doesn't mean you can't say no.
@@OliverCowlishaw Exactly-I started out by making up reasons and overexplaining my "no"-this is also exhausting. I recall being 3 and feeling like I needed no one. Then my parents made us feel shame, like we were not okay, stupid, or just beat us up for no reason. I always felt afraid and was bullied in school, no matter how nice I was. I feared becoming my narc parents but unfortunately went to other way-over pleasing which was also toxic.
I say No a lot -- alot a lot. The love of self is paramount for every person. With that, you will never let someone manipulate you, much less disrespect you much.
🎯… 100%
Thank you for a wonderful and extremely helpful talk. As you spoke of about this, I felt like you were “ stalking” me. I just purchased the book. It’s never too late to learn something even at age of 60.
thanks Moss,
Great to hear someone older not giving up,
I’m 50 and struggling like heck with relationships and work.
@@Michael-it7nx Also in my fifties-but there are still a lot of years left and a chance to be happy.
I have this unnatural feeling of rejection whenever a friend d shows any sense of annoyance or disagreeable with me. No matter how hard I try I feel empty. No matter how hard I try, I feel like no one wants to be in my life. It’s depressing and I know that there is something in my life that needs to change.
Have you looked into some type of attachment issues in your childhood?
As @2020Token mentioned, attachment issues are tied into nice guy syndrome pretty intricately. Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style in which you're hyper aware of other's reactions and take them incredibly personally. You can fix this and become secure, and Dr. Glover's book will help. Once you start putting yourself first and enforcing boundaries, you will start to feel more secure. The book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller will help you identify and address underlying attachment issues.
Eft wil help you a lot my friend its 100% works Emotional freedom technique
I STUPIDLY crashed a motorcycle on a beautifully sunny day on a gorgeous mountain road BECAUSE I let rage of a bitter past breakup almost kill me… & tear up my bike.
I emerged relatively unscathed… amazingly, with some passing motorists stopping to aid me.
The GOOD thing about this ‘mishap’ [100% MY FAULT] was the resounding ‘wake-up call’ it was, bringing a flurry of things into focus about myself that were dreamily idiotic…
… like ill advised romances.
My life got a lot better after that motorcycle crash, & I consciously chose to be a different person… & would check myself if slipping…
… & this carried over into my career as well.
Step 1: What are my needs? What are my preferences? Ask yourself that.
Step 2: Embrace your masculine energies.
Step 3: Recognise and watch the hidden toxic shame in you that makes feel you are broken or bad. And that your needs are broken or bad.
Step 4: Make a list of, What we are tolerating? from other people.
Step 5: Fulfill your needs unhesitantly Directly head on.
Thank you so much. I'm happy to see a true example of someone who get out of the people pleaser syndrome. I'm on the journey of getting free and this gives me hope.
People usually confuse being genuine with being rude. You don’t need to tarnish your message with offending words, just to show your stamina, sir. Keep up in the journey of discovering YOURSELF.
You have upgraded my vocabulary, thank you.
Good stuff. You took responsibility and did the work. Watching this is like looking in a bloody mirror - I also had a string feeling of shame since I was a kid and thought 'masculine' stuff was ... repellent?
One thing I did for suppressed rage was to sit with that rage when I felt it. I sat with it and observed it for 20 minutes. Just looking at that feeling of rage without all the associated thoughts. Voila!! That one session had a huge impact on dissipating rage and anxiety. Do this with your regret. It works.
(I just wanted to share this technique with people because it really worked for me).
That's amazing. Thankyou for sharing.
If you have to pause a video a few times, it might indicate it is important enough to let it sink in deeper. This is such a video.
This book is literally a gem. It has helped me a lot
Bro this is so raw, thank you so much for sharing your journey Oliver! Made me feel less alone.
Glad you enjoyed it!
You know, even if you can't sign up for a course sign up for Olivers emails .... they may hit a nerve ..but it's a step towards healing ....many thanks !😊
Hello Oliver, so much of your content relates to me so I just wanted to say a big thank you for making these videos. Your content has been really helpful in diagnosing my main problems and understanding how to move forward, which Im just starting to do, so once again thank you very much and I really hope your channel gets the attention it deserves.
Thankyou for taking the time to write this comment. I appreciate you sharing this. Hope to continue making content you find valuable ✌🏻
Not being the guy that loses is not the same as being the guy that wins .
I read that book a year ago. I am recovered from codependency now. It took 12 months of intense research and reflection into codependency, cptsd, abandonment trauma, narcissism psychopathy and more topics besides.
Hi Oliver, this is an excellent video. Thank you for your courage and honesty in exploring this topic.
Pleased to see a relatively smaller [or just not massive, I guess] channel getting pushed to my feed, and well done! Keep it up! I liked the info and your demeanor, and I'mma check out that book.
Thankyou, mate. I appreciate it.
You inspired me to buy this book, and let me tell you, it has had a profound impact on me, even in just the last two weeks after reading it. I feel like I have hope again, and that I’m actually connecting with who I am.
That's amazing to hear, mate.
Wow. Different circumstances, but the same root issue(s) and eventual recovery (ongoing). "Toxic shame", and the others...have you been stalking me outside my house, Oliver? lol I am buying the book this week. Thanks. Subscribed.
I thought I am a people pleaser, but watching this video I realised that on my own I managed to start stepping in the right direction. I've recently started hanging out with men more, very recently for the first time I admitted to someone I'm not okay, and I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with myself.
Interesting seeing this video now
Really powerful thanks for sharing. I used to be a people pleaser too
This is fascinating…and explains my toxic shame.
I too used this book to drastically change my life. It opened my eyes too so much
Even from watching the video for 18 seconds I feel you are a good presenter! I actually made a video on peoplepleasing as well, feel free to watch if you want. I go in depth where people pleasing comes from (Childhood)
Don’t chase women - most will disrespect you for giving your power away. Much better to just be friendly and let them come to you….
This is the forbidden knowledge.
You aren’t telling the whole truth here : women cannot feel safe with a man they don’t respect. It’s not something they can control. It’s hardwired and for good reason.
Good video- wish you well- awareness- I’m a woman and I can relate… good to hear a man speak so frankly. It will help other men.
I was lucky having mostly male teachers in an old fashioned grammar school. So many organisations are now female dominated and women keep on presenting themselves as being hard done by. Women can also be very good at manipulating nice guys - my ex-wife was brilliant at it. I felt guilty all the time and I was always apologising.
We have and are been hard done by, dear.
This video scares me because it's so relatable.
Your face is the most obvious thing you wear; your smile the best way to improve your magnetism. It makes you feel better as soon as you do it, try it. It makes others perceive confidence and an internal achievement - far more important than being a rat in a race. This is not nice guy syndrome, but needs to be said. It is physiological and prompts an improved mood. I am in sales, work with highly pressured people, and glide above many of my co-workers in success. I am asked to do public speaking to represent the business which helps my career, asked to do training,...they want a happy person to show the company is a place you can be happy and it is true. If you are insecure, it does help you feel a little better and will help you be confident - sorry, its a fact, but is not nice guy syndrome discussed here. Do count your blessings and be grateful - you are alive and able to do things. It creates social magnetism in all of western society. In nations with much oppression, or police states, people will see you as a fool or crazy - do not do this where people rarely smile. I always have a slight smile when greeting, volunteering, and helping others - it can makes them feel better as well and we live in a society where interconnection, generosity, and gratefulness only help you. Or be a loner, do not care about the others and keep them away. Your life.
I Have Been a People Pleaser From Age 15 to 29 Now ...
I Hope To Change it From Watching This Video
I for one am pleased that you are attempting to better yourself.
This is a very relatable video, you described my scenario almost perfectly and i really appreciate this video. I'm defintely going to the book a read and take the steps to change who i am as a man.
Biggest problem in my life, great to see other people being able overcome it
You can do it too !
Bro this dude has a very intresting vibe to him i like him ❤
I relate to your story. Just want you to know others out there know how brutal it is and it's a good thing you can stand here today and talk about it.
To be called a people pleaser has always been a subtle putdown. Women like someone to lead and take responsibility. I remember being called a pleasant wimp. I didn't like that. It was true. Made me think! We can't lead if we don't have a cause. It's not enough to become a dominant ego. As Oliver says, it's not about going from wimp to jerk. We need to find and be strong in a noble cause and inspiring cause in the service of others. Jesus gives us a good example of strength, leadership and purpose in the service of others with gentleness and humility. Follow him. The Bible is a good book too, to inspire courage and real manliness.
Man you are amazing ..can't believe that you had hard time with girls ..thanks for the information..👍👏
BOOM! Just blew my F***ing Mind! So on Point made me face some sh*t real quick. Thank You I will be subscribing and keeping up w you
I found an easy way to enable myself to say No. Since I tend to overthink, I turn that into a strength by saying "I'm gonna think it through before I give you a definite answer." By the time I have thought it through, people give up. 🤣
That's actually brilliant.
Most of the time, people pleasers agree to things without thinking. Taking the space to think before responding is super important.
You also gave me an idea for a video.
Thankyou very much, brother.
You just described my entire adult life and feelings.
I suspect you learned your people pleasing from all of the women you grew up around, I think we women probably do a lot of people pleasing ( well those over 50 anyway, thankfully the women of a younger generation have woken up and have a society now where you don’t have to cow-tow to get anywhere ) great video for men and women thanks ❤
Thanks for sharing that bro, makes me feel less alone
I've been really getting into your videos these last few weeks. A heartfelt thank you.
I too was a people pleaser until I started years of therapy. Thank God, things are different now.
The light went on for me as a people pleaser when someone I’ve always been kind to decided to stop speaking to me. I used to turn myself inside out dealing with this bullshit, always blaming myself. I didn’t realize two things. A. That person is the asshole. B. No one is that special. Really wish that would’ve dawned on me a lot sooner.
I needed this i want to heal the issues that came between me and my persons I can now have a balanced and healthy relationship
You're only 30. Getting a start now is great. Don't worry about it!
Bootiful.. Thank You...
11:02 when you said "I started asking for these needs directly"
My first response was "No, you dont do that" with a shocked reaction as if you had broken into someone's house 😮
Honestly, you just described me and I am a 47 y old woman😊 I came to the realization of who I really am and how to handle it a few years ago. I wish I had this book in my 20s.
Wow, a great story of personal growth.
How great! Thank you! I've been working through this a long time ,and your perspective is fresh!
Something funny to tell you. I'm a longtime acupuncture client, a poetically beautiful view of the body, that links emotions & spirit, in a way that western medicine trivializes. It's urinary bladder that is the organ of courage, as evidenced in the animal kingdom by urine marking territory. As well that courage is a unisex quality.
Some brokenness is as absolute as an amputation. Affirmations weren't enough. A different strategy called for
Read the book 15 years ago-it helped with getting through divorce. The book has many flaws but is a good place to start for so called 'nice guys'.
Great information! 💜🙏🏻💜 Men need men! Yes!
Watched my father live and die like this, treated like a dog by my mom. Here is the amazing part: Externally my father was an HIGHLY successful and high status man. 6f3. good looking. blue eyes. good shape. very high status job. socially not just popular but downright glamerous. And with women he was George Mc Fly from Back to the Future. I inherited about 50% of this conditioning. it's an extra mind-bend when your parents get lot of 'social validation.' Fuck this. If you ever watched the movie "mother dearest," that was my mom with my dad (and us kids). My dad became a very emotionally shut down man. A great man who died alone and humiliated.
Crikey succinct...and deep .....and I'm just gonna put a blanket over that mirror ....thanks for the honesty .....😢😢😢
Stay with it, mate. Truth is a medicine that stings when first applied.
@@OliverCowlishaw...thankyou 👍 .bit delayed...didn't know I could reply to replies! !....me and tech ! 🤪
So the book is an insightful read. Also pick up something that relates to personal responsibility. The idea is start relying on just yourself if others fall flat on their agreements. Finally a definite help in handling situations that leave you unprepared to handle is to like he said write down what happened, what should have happened, what was said, wha should have been said and a written story for your self as to how you want things to go in the future. It does not help to just think it through. It is the writing process that is required to hard wired thinking for your mind to make timely decisions in the future. The writing process focuses the mind in a good way. It really makes you better.
thank you it was very pleasing to hang out with you :):
Humans are so complex, yet we try to find the easiest explanation to our problems. I am not sure there is even a path that will work for everyone. Everybody I know is so different that I'm sure the advises from this book wouldn't work for them. Nice video anyway. Nice voice and good storyteller. I finally learned the origin of p*ssy :).
Thanks for sharing Oliver,
this was fantastic. It was relatable.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Would one recommend this book for work-related people pleasing? I don't really suffer this issue in romance but the workplace is where its truly most detrimental to my health, well-being and career.
Dam I'm blessed because I have never been a ppl please n I bravely call them out on their bullshit too.
“Nice guys feel shame expressing their needs openly, because they feel broken or bad…”
TIL the antique etymology of the slang use of the word "pussy." Thank you, Oliver. _Kick ass out there._
life is full with ego 😢 its very hard to satisfy women everyday its only make there ego higher and higher they will never say i love you so stop wasting yourtime and accept the reality and become
gay
I don't entirely agree, but i find your argument and delivery compelling.
Honestly, we don't have enough "nice guys".
Most men can't communicate their "niceness", their compassion or their intelligence. And can come over as dull, cynical and locked in a version of themselves that has more to do with societal expectations of masculinity and their own insecurities around what a man should be.
Certainly, men shouldn't be push overs in their relationships. Take a woman to dinner, study how she treats the waiters and low key workers, you will get an insight into how she might one day be treating you.
Best advice from me: charm is hugely under rated, be charming, widen your intellectual scope and just aim to be the best version of you.
Great and smart video ! Very interesting ! Congratulations from France …
Thank you! Just downloaded the audiobook 😊❤
I have 95% female friends since I became 30, they are less touchy to tease and the tone never gets lurid, I can always end the drinking on a night out as male friends just go on and on and if they do find a partner you will still see them, a male friend that finds a partner can be gone forever.