22:50 I agree with you on this. As a feminist, I feel it's a woman's inviolable right to choose, but by that extension, a man should be given the option to sign away all rights. Reproductive coercion is evil, no matter which side it's coming from, and no one should be forced to parent a child they do not want.
Please stop saying accidentally pregnant what do people think the point of sex is ????? Even if steps are taken it’s ALWAYS possible!!!! Plus little kids absolutely pick up on your attitude
the earlier story with the 2 year old lashing out made me think of this exactly. they can sense when they're not wanted, even if the parents try to not show it, there are slips. one of several reasons i never had kids. I grew up kinda messed up and have my own issues...one wrong word one wrong action; one thing said out of anger and it could damage the child for life. I have mental health issues and didn't want to lash out and regret the rest of my life and potentially make them into a broken adult like me. people say its selfish not to have kids, but I think it was a selfless act for many of us. I loved whoever that possible child was enough not to ruin their life by being in mine.
My mom used to say stuff like that when she was drunk and I felt it. It caused me to kinda rebel and sink into a deep depression. But I know she still loved us. She has me at 16/17 and I know that in itself was hard on her bc she was still in school.
As a person that was a preschool teacher for years and someone who currently works with children with autism, it is very evident to others when you don't want your children. Something that was so frustrating is I worked with a set of parents to help minimize their child's bad behavior and the dad was literally never there; he'd hide in his office playing videogames. When we would play board games he'd do anything to not be there; he even "joked" that he'd rather be picking up his dog's shit than play Candyland with his faughter. In fact he hit her IN FRONT of me and somehow thought I'd be okay with it. Like what the actual fuck. Please do not have children if aren't 100% sure. Your mistakes will fuck up some one else's life. Not only that, but you won't like who you become when you resent someone for simply being alive.
with the recession hitting us hard in my country, we've seen a surge of parents "handing in the bill" to their adult children so much so that "you'll force your child to buy you an apartment in X commie block" has become a meme. I know someone who is personally affected by this and I get the sense that these people probably just had kids because it was the norm and never really wanted them. I'm sure my parents never wanted me, I was likely just a way for my mother to force my father to marry her but I've been no contact for seven years
Oh god oh god oh god this is terrifying... I cant imagine being you then. I was treated kind of the same way by my father. He just, he wasnt there, and when he was he used to do jokes about sexual stuff. Today I am an avoidant woman and childless. I've never experience a functional relationship in my life. I'd go so far to say, that I dont know what love is.
Please tell me you reported him to CPS or whatever agency handles child abuse as you were a mandated a reporter. Please tell me you went to bat for that kid. What a hellish life they had to live with him.
@Jokerkat yeah I did. I didn't get to hear what happened since the mom left the dad and she and the daughter moved away. She was such a funny, sweet kid and it enraged me to no end how he treated her
This is why I get so irritated at people when I explain to them I don't want children and they usually go "YOU WILL" because they don't even consider that some people dont want children because they know they wouldnt be proper parents. I would be a horrible mother, and when I say this I get told how I'd be great as though I don't know myself. They don't consider the life of a child who has parents who never wanted them because they need to push their expectations onto others
Every christmas, my family gets together and my aunt *always* asks when I'm going to add my own child to the family. Every year I've responded some soft form of "oh, I don't want kids" etc and she always gives me that you will bs. This last year I looked her dead in the face and said "I hate children. The idea of being pregnant and walking around like some kind of bio incubator horrifies me. I'm glad you enjoyed having both of your sons and I'm happy to know them as adults, but I. Don't. Want. That." She left me alone the rest of the night and, hopefully, the rest of forever about that shit.
Yes 100 percent. I have always known that I never wanted kids. And while I did some dumb stuff as a teen, I am so happy I never ended up getting pregnant. I was always extremely careful. The thought of being pregnant and going through childbirth always scared the ever loving shit out of me. I’ve had like a legit pregnancy phobia. And yes, I have the awareness to know that I most likely would be one of those parents too. I always got the ‘you will’ comments too, and I still feel the same as I Always have.
I swear the only way to get it into some peoples' heads is to tell them "I would rather kill myself than get pregnant," and if I ever got pregnant (outside of SA) I have no option other than to carry it to term, which would genuinely traumatize me. Giving a kid up for adoption is also horrible because the foster care system is broken and full of predators, and I don't want a child to grow up not knowing who their biological parents are. It's sad because it's not a bluff, I've dealt with suicidal thoughts before and I'd never want to get to a breaking point, because I know how it affects a family, since that's happened within my family before. Roe v Wade being overturned massively ruined my outlook on life, but boy am I glad I don't live in a no-exceptions state.
@@SN-pr2xc My parents weren't equipped and had more interest in drinking, which then resulted in abuse for me. Both violent alcoholics and I got fed up with the lies to cover-up for a mother that tried ending my life with her hands around my throat many times. Only reason I survived is because she's immensely incompetent at everything in her life. Haven't seen any family since 2010 aat age 41. Now at 54 I've finally had 12 years of peace. Mother was diagnosed as bipolar psychopath in 2009 and Xmas that year was the last time she got opportunity to have her hands around my throat. I've had to punch both parents in the face to get them away from me and stop the abuse. Mother blamed me for screwing up her life, including events I never had anything to do with because I was years away from being born. Those people I'm supposed to call family, are already dead to me.
You're 100% correct! A person who regrets not having kids can volunteer to work with kids, mentor someone, or just be the World's Best Auntie/Uncle to friends'/familys' kids. A person who regrets having kids... well, that's a situation too sad to even contemplate
they’re both terrible. just because you feel like one is worse than the other doesn’t mean people shouldn’t have kids if they’re just not sure. y’all child free weirdos are obsessed with ending family lines
I agree. I occasionally think about how fun kids for holidays would be. But that’s just it. JUST for holidays. Not every day. I like the freedom I have and I only think about myself, Not another human and that’s such a weight off my shoulder.
I agree. I occasionally think about how fun kids for holidays would be. But that’s just it. JUST for holidays. Not every day. I like the freedom I have and I only think about myself, Not another human and that’s such a weight off my shoulder.
As a child whose dad never wanted kids, I wanna say something: The child can tell that you don't love them and that you didn't want them. If you really hate your kids, leave. Leave the family. If you stay, you will end up emotionally [and possibly physically] abusing that kid. Your relationship with your significant other will deteriorate and you will hate yourself and your family. So, your best bet is to leave. If you can't leave, work towards being able to. You arent going to do any good raising a child that you hate.
agreed but a lot of people, especially women, don't leave because they are dependent on their partner either financially or mentally. My own mother purposely got pregnant by two different men to get a man to take care of her but neither emotionally worked out which led to cycles of her moving out with my half brother only to beg to come back because she has daddy issues and needs a man to put up with her My brother got messed up by this and went down hill and has lost contact for over 20 years I don't even know if he is still living, I think I made it out "okay" because my dad actually wanted me
Hear hear. My mum was forced to have me, I was basically a rape baby. I didn't know or understand this until I was an adult but oh man in the 20 years that she tried to love me, I could tell that she didn't. I don't blame her or hate her, at least not for that, but oh man, we can tell.
Not being harsh, but in the the cases where the parent(s) despise their children, they seriously need to look into family lawyers and the laws regarding relinquishing parental rights in their area. Yes “I chose to put my kid up for adoption” is a hard thing to deal with socially, and it can be tricky to do if the kid is older and there isn’t an adult lined up to adopt them, but kids deserve to have a chance at finding parents that genuinely care about them. They don’t deserve to be loved because you’re afraid you’ll look bad If you only take care of your kid just enough to prevent social/legal backlash, that kid is going to suffer eventually imo
Everyone I know who has considered adoption was more worried about child trafficking than looking bad. It is one thing despising being a parent or even despising a child, it's another thing altogether imagining your child being put into a much worse situation than the one you're trying to protect them from.
@@maebloome this is really valid i know some adoptees and they talk about how awful the system can be i think if you're seriously considering this try and find a close relative a friend anyone you trust instead of immediately putting them in the system
yeah it's one thing to regret having kids and wish you had more freedom that you didn't have but it's another thing to actually despise the kid that you willingly brought into the world and then to blame them for why your life is not fulfilling or happy.
@@abbie_joan there is usually some form of trauma involved with parents who struggle to bond, willing birth or not. And unfortunately we are just as likely to despise a person we love as we are a stranger, in some cases maybe more so if "crimes of passion" are any indication. Also, giving birth or being blood related to someone is no guarantee that you will like that person and the personality they are born with. It can be difficult when the nature strongly rebels against the nurture, especially from a younger age. We think that we have to like the things we love all of the time, but parenthood challenges those beliefs in a way most are simply not prepared for and find difficult to comprehend.
I agree with the sentiment, but the reality is that kids are in so much danger of abuse and neglect in the system than they would be with a responsible parent, even if that parent fails to bond. I think therapy and a support network are probably the first steps toward making things better, though of course those are out of reach for many too. It's a sad state of affairs in this late capitalist world :(
honestly, i feel like subs like this are important because we should be normalizing discussions about how parenting is a massive undertaking that shouldn't be undertaken lightly. it shouldn't be blindly idealized. i'm still in college, but the expectation that i'll have children "someday" when i "come around" looms over me, even though i've expressed for years that i don't really like kids. i know i don't have the emotional stability to deal with taking care of a fully dependent human being, i'm likely at risk for ppd, and pregnancy is *terrifying*. kids deserve parents who want them.
I was just thinking about how I wish this sort of community had existed for my mother's sake when I was a child. Her guilt and shame just turned into resentment and she eventually found reasons to blame me. I was not the child she wanted but if I had just been different she could have loved me and I grew up with that in my head. But after so many years of hating who I was and trying to be the person she wanted I slowly realized it really wasn't me. There was nothing I could do or change and she was always going to feel like she never should have had me. I just wish someone could have told her that she wasn't alone so she could have owned it instead of deciding that if no one else feels this way then it must be my fault in some way.
I have severe bipolar disorder and am a nonbinary AFAB and gay. I do eventually want kids but if my wife ends up wanting them biologically, it'll have to be her and one of her eggs. I don't want to risk giving a child severe mental illness that has, in just two years, forced me to rebuild myself and my life after a four and a half day stay in hospital for a depressive episode that came after something around six to eight months of mania. Ideally, I want to adopt a child, especially one with autism as I have autism too, after I'm married and in my thirties, as I do love kids. But I could never handle pregnancy and just the thought of it happening to me makes me sick. Again, apart from that, I don't want to risk giving a child bipolar, because, while it's not something I'd want removed from me completely, it is something I have to actively work with/take strong medication for. I turn twenty two this year, and have plenty of friends who are just a bit older than me and have multiple kids and are happy/have active social and professional lives. But I know I need to find a stable and supportive girlfriend and then wife before taking on the responsibility of a child. It's not fair to put the potential for a disorder that has, alongside various traumatic events, caused me to hit rock bottom more than once on an innocent child, and it makes me angry every time people say that it's unnatural to not want biological children. But I suppose that's living in the south for you. I'm very lucky to have supportive and loving parents and friends, and they all agree with me on how to handle it. It's just terrifying to think about all of the people who feel they can't/shouldn't either have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, whether that's for their own health or the health of the kid.
As a parent who truly loves my kids, I absolutely encourage people to view having and/or raising children as a huge life changing event that is basically forever. Don't have kids if you aren't sure. And everyone should remember that birth control is incredibly helpful to society.
I'm adopted. My birth parents realized about a year after having my sister that they weren't ready and couldn't raise three kids. My brother was severely disabled (may he rest in peace) and I have ADHD and depression. My sister is fine, though. Without being adopted, which my adoptive parents are white and I'm black, i don't think I'd ever know the love a parent could give their children. When i was younger, I hated that they gave us up. I always knew they did it for us, but i just wanted to be like the kids at school. I wanted to be able to ask my parents about my family. But i couldn't because I was adopted. When at school, my friends wouldn't know that white man was my dad because...well, look at us. Not to mention we'd get weird looks. Like a white man or woman holding a little black girls hand while she calls them mom and dad was a sin. I'm 21 now and I couldn't be more grateful that they gave us up. That they realized they couldn't raise us in a way children deserved. My adoptive parents have been mom and dad since day one and they're amazing. Probably better than my birth parents. A part of me wants to try and find them, but I've been so happy with my parents that I'm willing to wait. I'm sure my mother and father have even regretted adopting us, but every day I never doubt the love they have for us. For children that aren't genetically yours. I wish adoption was more normalized, and less of a 'oh you're a terrible person' kind of thing. So many kids in danger or suffering from the lack of parental love can be solved by letting those who realized they messed up, give up their kids to someone who will love them. I know it's not easy...it wasn't easy for my parents, but I'm beyond grateful that they made the hard choice. My birth parents weren't the best. I don't know the whole story but I know it involved drugs and alcohol. I'm so, so happy they realized they had to do what was best for us. I just wish more parents could be like my birth mother and father.
I think the stigma is less now than it was. I put my son up for adoption, and I’ve only had two or three people get weird on me about it. Our situation is a little different, I was seventeen, he was a baby, and we did an open adoption. But yeah, most people seem to agree that I did the right thing.
@@haileybalmer9722 I'm Russian, in Russia, adoption system and orphanages (yes, we don't have foster families) are pretty fucked up and adopted children are still highly stigmatized and bullied. Many people believe that orphans should be isolated from "normal society" and families must bear their own children, not to adopt, because "adopted children cannot be controlled and will become drug addicters, criminals or prostitutes". The thing is the most of children in orphanages (we call them "child houses") DO have alive parents but parents gave up them to the government or were forcibly taken away because their parents were abusers, criminals, alcohol/drug addicted or just irresponsible. The government wants to solve these problems but unfortunately, the system just ignores the shit and everyone suffers from this. Idk what is it like in your country but Russians don't have priviledges in adoption system and adoptive parents are pressured everywhere. In USSR, there were not that many problems, because children from child houses had an opportunity to make their lives better: they could receive a good education, be socialized, adoption system was much more organized and structured. But after USSR collapsed, everything was fucked up and even today, we still have a lot things to manage.
It's insane to me how many idiot couples don't actually seriously consider adoption. They mention it as a passing thought, not to be taken seriously because they wouldn't be 'real' parents because a female in the relationship or a surrogate didn't **** out a baby. The process of being a parent is not having the baby, it's raising it. Even if you are a rich celebrity power couple, your genetics suck and you are famous because of luck. Nobody is passing any success on to a baby just because of genetics.
Something tells me as sympathetic as some of these stories are, a lot of these people are extremely abusive to their kids whether they realize it or not.
@@teenylittlecat blaming her failing marriage on the poor kid like she didn't admit a few paragraphs ago that the father just wasn't as committed to raising the kid as she thought 😐 hearing her post made me so mad
I can guarantee you these people are pieces of shit. To even write this about your own children is damn disgusting and the people who are sympathetic to them have no idea how narcissist they may potentially be.
Yup. How many adults today grew up as the child in that situation and now have deep-seated issues and trauma? At the end of the day the kid suffers the most despite being completely blameless.
I'm an unwanted child and this video made me cry a lot. Some of the words in these stories mirror things my mother has confessed to me when I was small. She didn't so much make a bad decision, but was manipulated into it then abandoned, similar to the last story. Just throw me being an autistic and difficult child on top of that too. I grew up watching her in despair, raising a child she never wanted whilst struggling with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I don't remember a single day that she was happy. At one point her depression was so bad she could no longer walk and just laid there. I was 10 then, and I knew it was my fault. If I hadn't been born, my mum would be happy. I can't really explain just how much that kind of knowledge fucks with you as a kid. I'm honestly really glad this subreddit exists because it's the kind of thing that could save people from going through what she and I did. I think anyone even considering becoming a parent should see it.
I hope she stuck with you. The stories about the father's resentment sticks out to me because at 3, my dad basically said he "Didn't think it would be like this" and walked out, then made a huge stink about custody and visitation to get back at her through me. I was only the vector to make her feel.. however he wanted to. I had to cut off my biological family I'm sorry your mother got pressured, but at the same time, I'm sure she's glad she got a child out of it that understands her feelings and situation. Even if it wasn't her exact choice I'm sure she loves you.
I'm so sorry, shame on your mom! No child deserves that. Every single child deserves love. Even if she was abandoned, she still took part in brining you into this world. There are tons of women, unfortunately, who are single moms because the dad's walked out. And they STILL are amazing mothers and show their kids the love they deserve. It's no excuse. You're loved beyond measure, I really hope you know that, 🙏✝️
Dude, you didn’t do shit to her. Her happiness is NOT your responsibility. She sounds like a horrible person to do that to you - cut your loss. You’re not her mistake. You’re your own person and your mother should’ve been the better person to deal with it.
I feel like this is probably a result of the pressure society puts on people to reproduce, even if they don't want to. A lot of thought needs to go into a huge undertaking like having children.
It's usually the opposite lately. We are pressured to stop having kids, especially as white people. Women are pressured to finish college and start having kids only after they're like 30. As a mom of 5, I highly recommend not waiting that long. It's much harder after 30.
100%! It's bizarre to me that such pressure exists. I know there are some people out there who regret not having kids when it's too late, but I can't see that regret being worse than the regret from having kids then realising it was the wrong decision.
@@TheInternetInvestigator , strongest regret is when 1 of your children die, no matter what happened, a parent 😢 💔 always feels responsible and grieves heavily
It's also gotten much harder to be a parent especially in the states. Both parents have to work and most can't afford childcare and if u can't afford childcare u prolly don't have insurance that is usable
Knowing the rate in which disabled kids are killed by their parents, (especially those with autism), this video is horrifying. Like fellow comments @bri6064 said, these parents who despise their kids need to look into family lawyers and giving their parental rights. The kids deserve to have a family that genuinely care about them, not folks who put up with them. I'm the grown son (Technically disabled due to EDS but with accommodations it's alright.), of a father who clearly despises me being my own person. I could tell when he started to hate me, started to abuse both me/mother because we weren't constantly under his thumb. That has basically left me on a waiting list for getting diagnosed for CPTSD because of the fact I believe he felt societally pressured by his catholic background to stay around once he got my mother pregnant.
I heavily agree, children shouldn't be tolerated or just put up with. They can tell when they are not loved and nobody should ever have to go through that.
yeah the dad with the daughter who has a speech delay telling her he wishes she was never born is so deeply disturbing to me because issues with speech do not always mean issues with comprehension and there is a chance she knew everything he was saying to her
@@clareshepherd1593 exactly my thoughts. I wouldn’t be surprised if the dad wasn’t actively involved in his daughter’s treatment; what’s so devastating is that sooner or later, the girl will notice (if she hasn’t yet) the hostility hidden in her father’s actions for something she didn’t choose to have. I feel more for the children than the parents tbh :/
@Clare Shepherd Yes, my god, that irritated the hell out of me! I took a while to speak and have selective mutism, so when I don't speak, people think I'm not comprehending what they're saying. It's so abelist and disgusting.
As much as it sucks that all these parents regret having kids I feel way more upset for the kids as being unwanted and unloved especially by someone who should be there for you is a awful feeling for any child to feel.
This! I taught kids today for the first time and one was taking it out on himself for making mistakes in sewing and it broke me. He kept saying how stupid he was and I had to reinforce that he isn't,I felt so sad that he felt that way and made sure to hi5 him and teach him extra slowly so he could learn more,I can't imagine what he's had said to him (even if not by his parents),if people aren't going to be the best parents they can be they don't deserve kids anyway.kids deserve to be shown love and care,not to take it out on themselves.
yeah. kids need that connection, and they instinctively adapt themselves until they get it. it has a profound and long term neurological impact on a person to not have a real parent/child relationship.
I feel pity only for the kids because I'm that unwanted and, sadly, abused kid. I tried to connect with my mother countless times, but failed, in the end, i became the quiet kid who never got out of their room and didn't ask for anything, but still got reminded with mother's actions and words how i ruined her and father's lives. Most of those regretful parents become sadists as the time passes even if they wouldn't admit it. I almost died a few times because she neglected my health. Now she says that my birth is her gift for me and I don't appreciate it enough. And even when there were moments when she didn't physically abuse me, I always felt her hatred as a kid, it made me so miserable. I tried to get good grades, clean my room and etc just to "deserve" her love". I'm an adult now, and it's still so hard to be that unwanted and unloved kid, it's an awful feeling.
I think you should be equally empathetic to both the parent and the child. Everybody lies to you about what having a child will be like. Especially to have a child with issues. None of these parents said they act unhappy around the child. Actually they all said they made a considerable effort to not let the child know how stressed out they were.
The woman with the ADHD kid made me feel so ill. I don't know her, but my guess is that the kid knows her mom hates her and this is contributing to her behavior. Also, the kid is six? A lot of the behavior she's upset about is something a lot of six-year-olds do?
Tantrums are usually grown out of by the age of 4-5. A 6 year old usually learns how to control themselves. Autism, ADHD and ADD can delay this development.
@@BuckBlaziken Yeah and it probably did, but I mean, she was able to put up with tantrums for five years, but not the extra one or two because of her ADHD? I mean ADHD and misbehaving isn't even the hardest thing parents can deal with
yeah, so many of these kinds of stories baffle me because the things they complain about are like "kids are too noisy! kids are too messy! kids are too annoying!" like...yeah? that's just how pretty much all kids are?? did you expect it'd just be like taking care of a doll or something? i try to be sympathetic but at a certain point i really do just wonder what the hell they expected bc it seems like they just want a doll they can pick up and put down when it suits them. also with this one in particular it feels really ableist because she's acting like the adhd is just "being a brat" or "being a little shit," as someone w autism who was constantly treated like an awful brat as a kid when i didn't want to be that way, it's so frustrating.
This is absolutely terrifying. I'm 21 female, and my whole family is pushing me to get married and have children. I come from a culture where majority of people get married and have at least one child by the age of 25. I don't want kids, and I doubt I will ever change my mind, but my family members keep saying "you'll change your mind", "it's different when it's yours", "you'll regret it when you're older" and the scariest thing is that they almost convinced me. I know I would be a terrible mother, I'm lazy, I like spending money on me, I like playing video games all night long, I love spending time alone and I would never in a million years sacrifice it for a child.
its a matter of would you rather satisfy your family and devote a huge amount of time stress and money to a child that you didnt exactly want or would you rather continue to be pressured to have kids and worst case scenario get villianised by your family
You know what you want, stick to that unless you become 100% sure that you want them. You can find that love that they describe you missing out on in nieces and nephews or your friends children. And definitely don’t have one until you’re at least 29+
@@sergpie What a groundbreaking revelation - everything is women's fault. If only we'd all just stop getting raped, stealthed or let down by failed birth control.
By "reproductive rights," you don't actually mean reproductive rights. You just mean abortion. I don't mind abortion but your argument is silly. People should think of this before having unprotected sex or they can be abstinent. Nobody is being forced to have these kids. They're CHOOSING to have casual, and many times unprotected, sex. There are consequences. Abortion should be a last resort, IMO.
@@loubloom1941 Also, respectfully, shouldn't bringing an unwanted child into the world be the last resort, not abortion? Surely this video proves that forcing unwanted pregnancies only leads to unwanted and resented children. Nobody wins.
I've heard this from both people who have kids (and do love them) but don't like other people's kids, and people who don't like kids but want kids of their own anyway. I do want kids, but it's a horrible thing to hear because What? That is never a risk I could take. If I didn't like other people's kids, I would never for a second consider having kids of my own, because I'd be terrified that it wouldn't "be different" when they're "my kids"
The mom talking about her kid with ADHD and how much she despises her hurts me so much. I have ADHD and thinking about how much self hatred I would have if she was my mom is astronomical. She explains so much about how other people view her parenting rather than how her kid is feeling and being. I can tell you from experience, that kid is struggling too, and can almost 100% feel the hatred from her mother, no matter how much the mom may try to hide it. The amount of guilt, shame and hatred the kid will feel towards herself is huge. My heart hurts for the daughter and hurts thinking about if my mom were like that towards me
Yeap same, the mom honestly sounds awful, she thinks her kid can't feel her hatred but she can, she envisioned a future with a perfect neurotypical child and now is pissed that she didn't get it, feel so sorry for the daughter
I have ADHD and personally I'm on the moms side. She's right. Children with ADHD that extreme are an absolute nightmare. The mom has to consider how her daughter feels 99.9% of the time. The only place she can vent about herself is that subreddit. That mother NEVER gets to consider herself, ever. She's allowed to vent about herself in one fucking post. I was a little shit as a kid too and I feel bad for the stuff I put my mom through. That doesn't mean I have to hate myself either. Two things can exist at the same time. Considering the mom has tried every possible solution to make the child's behavior better, what do you think she's supposed to do? She can't just spontaneously love her kid. Most kids with disabilities don't get anywhere near the help that that child is getting. The mom is literally in debt trying to get that kid help. What more do you want to happen?
@@eskykitty Yeah, but one cannot stress it enough, that child didn't ask to be born, to have ADHD or a mom who doesn't want her and would get rid of her with a thanos snap if she could. At that point, these parents are talking about their kids like their pets and not living beings.
This subreddit is a perfect example as of why people trying to 'convince' child-free people to have kids need to stop, and face the reality that not everyone is meant to be a parent.
The fact that that father told his child that he doesn’t want to be a dad and wished that she never was born. has to be one of the most disgusting and abusive things that I have ever heard in my life. It’s one thing to feel that way, but another to verbalize it, especially to your child who can do absolutely nothing about it. This video made me so grateful to have been raised by people who actually loved me and wanted me to exist in this world. I pray that any future parent does a great deal of soul-searching before making the decision to have children
@@ok..7616 doesn't make it any less abusive. and if the dad feels so strongly he tells a 2 year old child this, he is never going to change his mind. the kid will pick up on that and carry that for the rest of her life
@@ok..7616if he was so pissed at a 2yo that he'd say this to her, do you really think he won't keep saying this once she's older and can actually understand him? Dumbass 💀
One of my employees is this wonderful older lady, late 60's and basically my stores grandma. Like she literally bakes any delicious treat you can imagine regularly. Over the years she's told me how as much as she loves her children she often wonders how life would've been had she not had them. We've talked about it quite a few times and she's even mentioned regretting it. It's almost a bit sad watching the look in her face as she talked about what could've been had she not had them, and how she had so many plans that had to halt.
I'm 35 and have hears many parents say similar things. They talk about what they did when they were younger, how Friday night was "drink your own weight" night, foreign holidays whenever they wanted, all sorts. "BuT ThAt WaS BeFoRe wE hAd ChiLdReN" You do not ever say that in front of your children. The older ones will resent you for it, the younger ones will be scarred and develop trust issues. Their children didn't ask to be born and the parents really should have put ore thought into it. All the parents I know of my age are run ragged, can't do a single damned thing for themselves, it's all kids kids kids. Kid-friendly activities, kid-friendly holidays, up early every morning, no spare time at the weekends.
I have been a natural "mother hen" since birth. I love caring for others and helping whenever I can. I also come from an area/family where it's expected to get married and have many children ASAP. So much so that teen pregnancy is seen as a blessing. (Not a religious/fundie thing, just a place that has not evolved with the rest of the world) I chose to work in child care full time directly out of high school and it was a huge eye opener. Kids are amazing. Watching them learn and grow and knowing you helped mold them into the person they will become is an incredible feeling. Their innocence is hands down the most beautiful thing you will ever see or experience. I especially loved caring for the ones with special needs. There's no way to explain it, they are just on an entirely different level of incredible. I also learned how difficult, emotionally taxing, time consuming and costly children are. Not can be. Are. It does not matter what age, kids will consume your life. I am 37, childfree and plan to stay childfree. I learned very fast that I will never be able to handle having my own children mentally/emotionally. Kids need strong parents and I cannot imagine the hurt, anger and hate that comes from having parent/s that are not stable enough to be guardians. And to know that you, the parent, are the reason for those horrible emotions... I'd feel so shitty for ruining my life, my partners life and the life of my hypothetical child. If you have even the tiniest doubt about being a parent then don't, or at the least wait and truly make sure that is something you are prepared for. I empathize with your co-worker 1000% as well as the parents from this subreddit. Being an unprepared parent is a horrible situation for everyone involved and not worth it.
@@halfbakedproductions7887 What I want us to do as a society is to move away from thinking that parenthood will ever be easy in the current infrastructure we have built. If we keep going the way we are, no one will want to procreate and out society will collapse. (Although, considering how much humanity has fucked over the planet and continues to be absolutely cruel, maybe that's a good thing.) My point is that, I don't think the solution is for none of us to have kids. For people that do want to have children, it shouldn't upend their lives like this. A lot of regretful parenting is because there's no economic infrastructure or emotional support for parents. Childcare cost an arm-and-a-leg and this builds resentment. I think once we change the capitalist mindset that runs our economies and societies, parents can focus on actually being there for their kids emotionally and keeping their own identities. And we shouldn't force anyone who truly doesn't want kids to be a parent because that's cruel.
@@halfbakedproductions7887 this annoys me to no end. My best friend as a teen was born when her mum was 15. Her mum eventually married someone else and her third sibling was born when my friend was 18/19 (they're each 6 years apart). Her parents immediately started demanding that she give up her job so she could be his nanny because it "wasn't fair" that they didn't get to do anything that they wanted to do in their 30s (on top of having spent their 20s raising kids too). But they chose to have this kid, knowing that they were signing up for an additional 18+ years of child rearing. And then started guilting my friend for not dropping everything to help raise her little brother
What's really sad is that these kids will all FOR SURE pick up on the fact that their parents resent them so much. It's going to mess those kids up forever. The kids can always tell.
Every parent has made their kids feel like this many times in their life. I think they'll be OK. I just don't think shaming the parents for venting -on a page specifically for that is necessary.
@@hcope28 Nah bro, never have my parents made me feel unloved. They punished me when I misbehaved and even had moments of near mental collapse, yet never did I not feel their love for my sister and me. Kids can always tell and will always be affected by their parents emotions.
@@hcope28 Parent shaming needs to be encouraged, judging by the state of things. Everyone enables parents and encourages it. Shame is a powerful motivator for change.
It’s their own fault not yours or any kids. Remember their decisions led them to that and they unfortunately dragged another person who is helpless into that environment. I’m sorry for you and all these kids, infuriated actually:(
I mean it might sound ridiculous but to say the added stress of a kid doesn't have the ability to break people would just be a lie . It is what it is. Sadly
That was so creepy! I understand he needed to voice his feelings. I don't understand why he felt he had to voice his feelings to his daughter. It's not her fault. Yea it sucks he grew up in a church that brainwashed him into marrying and breeding. But life isn't always fair and sometimes you got to suck it up and get on with it. This guy and a lot of the posters sound so focused on their own self pity they lose site these kids didn't ask to be born. No one truly knows how hard it's going to be, but that's not on the child.
You watch videos like this, and others about some of the worst experiences a human being can ever go through, for the sake of your own morbid entertainment. Yet, someone telling the truth of how they feel to their 2 year old who has no concept of language nor the ability to ever remember what was said, that's creepy? You must often find yourself feeling superior to all of those stories you hear as you slurp down your slop for lunch. People like you are the real creeps. @@legoqueen2445
@@legoqueen2445imagine hearing someone's darkest and awful feelings that they themselves don't even want to have over such an issue, and your whole response is "well.. that's just life!!! Life is just unfair deal with it" Like... Lmao, you're so ignorant and condescending, with absolutely 0 empathy nor wisdom. It's unhelpful, vile, annoying, and worst above all a total waste of energy to even say. I bet you're really helpful at funerals.
@Gamebadmegreat9770 Usually I can let internet comments go but you're personal attack really angered me. You said I'm ignorant and condescending, so I thought I'd give you some context on how I became a parent. I was 26, my personal life was a mess as I had mental health issues after several trauma experiences from childhood into early adulthood, and I used drugs to self medicate as a way of coping. I met a man who swept me off my feet with promises of romance, a future together and marriage. We were intimate and a few weeks later I found out he was married. Two weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. Was that a fair situation? Definitely not. Did he stick around to help raise our son? Of course not. Did I sit around feeling sorry for myself, blaming my son for being born? No way! I stopped using drugs the day I found out I was pregnant and later, after I had my son, I got help for my trauma issues and medication to help stabilze me from the life long depression I had struggled with. So when I say life isn't always fair, I'm not talking out of ignorance, I know first hand how unfair life can be. As for condescending, what part of my original post is condescening? Is it condescending to tell a grown man who got married and made a child with his wife to stop feeling sorry for himself and get on with raising his disabled child? That's called taking responsibility and being a parent. I acknowledged it sucked he grew up Mormon and that it sucked he no longer believes in the church that taught him marriage and family is the only thing to aspire to in life, but that not his disabled child's fault. I even said I understood he needed to vent his feelings- just that it's not appropriate to shout those feelings over his daughter. Where am I being condescending? Why is it such an affront to you that in this situation, as unfair as his circumstances are, he needs to get on with the job of raising his child, because the bigger injustice in this situation is there's a two year old with a father with his head so far up his own ass he thinks yelling at his daughter and telling her 'I wish you'd never been born' is somehow appropriate. As for my supposed lack of wisdom and compassion, after returning to university and completing my first university degree, I eventually got a job based on my life experiences with mental health issues (my drug addiction history was also relevant), I worked in a psychiatric ward for 4 years as a Peer Support Worker specifically because my personal struggles and compassion for those going through similar difficulties enabled me to journey with people going through hard times. If I went into detail over the things I've been through as a kid and young adult, you'd see nothing about my life has ever been fair. But I've pushed myself to get on with it so I could raise my son (on my own) and where possible help those who have gone through similar things that I have experienced. What are you doing with your life mate? You don't know me from a bar of soap yet chose to vomit up harsh, cruel words and judge me as a callous, hard hearted monster because I called out a grown man who verbally abused his two year old, disabled daughter and blames her existence for his life choices. I don't make any claims on wisdom but maybe you can use a little wisdom and stfu before judging and personally attacking strangers online. As much as you thought my original posts wasn't worth anything, 94 other people felt it held some merit. Maybe you should look at yourself and your own conduct before judging me. *just wanted to add- you said 'awful feelings that they themselves don't even want to have over such an issue', I agree with you on that in relation to that guy. It was obvious from what he shared that he felt terrible about not 'loving' his baby and not enjoying fatherhood. My comments were specific to his situation and his attitude, and as harsh as it sounds, life isn't always fair but once you've brought a kid into this world, it's not about you anymore, you need to get on with it and take care of the kid. Him yelling all his emotional frustrations at the kid is a form of abuse, even if the kid doesn't understand it. But if I recall correctly he also says he'll be talking to his therapist about it, so at least he's getting help.
As a disabled person myself some of these are breaking my heart. If you can’t love your child when it’s disabled, you don’t deserve to have a child at all.
I’d say a solid 50% of women have children with an unsupportive partners. I was shocked by the things I read in online mom groups. Raising a child can be hard, but many are also burdened with raising their partner too.
(Wall of text sorry) I will say you’re right about that, 100%. The story of the ADHD 6 year old resonated so much with me because I have a 4 year old who’s that kid. She’s great like 75% of the time, but I can’t take her out to eat or to movies or museums because she has tantrums if she gets tired or gets upset or someone looks at her funny when they walk by. She hits her 16 year old sister for no reason. She’ll lay down in the floor and scream bloody murder if told no. My in laws live 10 minutes away and refuse to even watch her for a few hours so my husband and I can go see a movie together or get any type of alone time, because she’s “too hard to watch.” And her dad, lovely and amazing human that he is, is also about 4 years old maturity wise. He argues with her about *everything*. He will not give her even the smallest victory and will intentionally cause her to meltdown and I’m the one who gets to navigate the mess and fix it. He’s also soooo selfish. I had *no idea* how selfish this man was until we had this child. I’m just hoping we can get through her childhood with our marriage intact, at this point. The only thing we argue about is the kid and I’m like “but couldn’t you try not yelling or…” but he just doesn’t get it because he’s the same maturity level as she is and I’m so damned frustrated with it. I wish we had never had this kid, not because I don’t like her. I love my kid even when she’s an asshole. (I’m an asshole too, it’s cool) I wish we hadn’t had her because everything else in my family life went to shit after she was born, and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to make it better, because I’ve tried.
@Tiffany Alexander Studio respectfully, I’m not so sure your husband is all that great. It seems like having your daughter didn’t cause everything else in your family to get worse, it just exposed a very nasty side your husband already had that you didn’t know about. I can’t imagine causing a 4 year old child with a learning disability to melt down on purpose, yell at her, argue with her, and then force someone else to clean up afterwards. I’m just an internet stranger, obviously, so I don’t know him, but if this was the way my husband behaved we wouldn’t be married for much longer.
This one kicked me in the heart. Always treated like a burden and told to just "go outside" whenever I was awake. At 17 I finally broke and said I didn't ask to be here and I hate life. Moved out and to another State. Started to get better then
you deserved better and i hope you surround yourself with people who make you feel wanted, because you most definitely are. sending you love through your journey! ❤️
imo this is probably due to the high social stigma of putting a kid up for adoption, or not loving a kid "correctly". Children and parents could be happier if adoption/ adopted kids weren't seen in a negative light
as an adopted kid, yes, a thousand times yes. My parents are incredible and they went through piles of paperwork to get me. Definitely a lot more work than the traditional method
@@bjorkirl adoption doesn’t require fostering friend. Yes, the foster system is entirely broken and my heart breaks for aging children stuck in it. But where was that ever mentioned?
To be fair, adoption has a stigma because a lot of foster and adoptive parents are abusers. I understand a parent who doesnt want their kids, choosing to not put them up for adoption. At least if you dont, there should be a 100% chance they wont be s*xually abused in foster care.
tbh i do feel compassion for those who were forced to have children or coerced, but zero at all for those who decided to have children for funsies without thinking deep and hard about it. i feel sorry for the kids, specially the ones with disabilities. they deserved so much better
thats one of the reasons why im very supportive of childfree people bc congrats for knowing youself and not wanting to bring a person into this world just to harm them.
I wish that socially it was okay for parents to talk about the parts of parenthood they hate. Like I've read so many stories from women who hated being pregnant and had no idea how awful it could be, because talking about it makes you a "bad mom", and maybe having a non-judgmental support system would make all the difference. I think having a community like this is super important tbh but I do worry about it feeding into the problems more than offering support. Idk, it's just so sad all around
I wish it was socially acceptable for parents to speak about these issues as well. It is sad all around but parents deserve a platform to discuss their feelings. Therapy is the best resource though.
Whenever a family member asks me when I'm giving them grandchildren, I turn to my bf and loudly ask "HEY BABE, MA WANTS TO KNOW WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CAME IN ME?" They don't ask me anymore. Especially not when we're out in public 😁
Honestly, this worked for me too. "When are you gonna have a baby?" "Why are you so interested in how often [boyfriend] fucks me?" They all gasp and tell me I'm disgusting but after I quickly point out that's what they're asking of me, it wraps up nicely. (One time I answered that I preferred to swallow, lmfao)
I remember this one but phrased in another way. Still, it is quite funny that when it comes to parenthood they do not like to discuss the act and the planning because its taboo
I think it's easy to indict these parents and I'm not saying they're blameless because they're not, but the societal pressure to have children, unplanned pregnancies especially in places without abortion rights, and unpredictable partners are all outside their control. I hope their kids never find out how their parents feel/felt about them. There's just no winners here.
As a disabled person, I have to play a sad song on the world's smallest violin for parents who resent their disabled children. You chose to be a parent - you don't get to pick and choose the child's ability status. Disabled children are among the most heavily abused populations in the world, and they deserve so much better.
Exactly. It really is sad, that many, if not most grown adults still don’t understand that actions have consequences. And they don’t stop and think before making decisions.
I remember learning about a skeletal remains of a young woman unearthed around Yemen. Her legs had been deformed since birth, and interestingly, she had really bad teeth. Given her age and poor dental health, archeologists surmise she was well taken care of and spoiled with sweets, like dates, pomegranates, and other sugary fruits. Even far back in human history, when the world was cruel, and we like to think a coughing baby was thrown over a cliff. There were many who loved and cared for their own
I think this is the subreddit that solidified the fact that I never want children. I can see myself becoming one of these parents, and I never want that to happen. For both the kids sake and my own.
The regret of not having kids > having kids and regretting it. At least if you regret not having kids, there’s no child who will suffer because their parent resents them.
@@makemesomecoffee7821 I still don’t want them. I’d hate taking care of a child regardless of where they came from. I just feel disgust and pity when I look at a kid.
@@Layla-gh5ij And that's OK. I think people recognizing that they probably wouldn't be the best to take care of a child is quite commendable in my eyes. It's better than stringing an innocent child along.
my favorite thing is how uncomfortable people get when i tell them i don't want kids, they tell me I'll change my mind, and i get to tell them i can't have kids biologically. i make sure to look and sound really hurt and sad when i say it, even though i truly have never wanted kids. they get so awkward and flustered it's so funny 😂
I have a multifaceted relationship with this subject, as an autistic, child free by choice, abuse survivor. I'll say up front, if you have major regrets about having children and think it is changing you for the worse, you need to seek adoption/fostering for your baby/child. Even better if it's to someone you know and trust and close enough by that you can still spend time with the child if you're so inclined. Nothing hurts a child quite like knowing their parent hates them, even if said parent is silent on the matter. I cringed when the father said he told his daughter that he regrets having her in "bigger words" so she wouldn't understand it, but that he thinks she knew it wasn't something very nice by his energy. Fucking yikes. My mother told me she was going to go to school to become a lawyer if she didn't have me, and when I cried because I understood that meant she regretted having me? She coldly told me to stop crying. I understand that society traps you in this idea of sunshine and rainbows when it comes to parenthood, they don't properly tell you how hard it is... well we're hearing a lot about it NOW. But you need to take responsibility, do what's best. If you can no longer emotionally care for your children, find someone who can
To answer the "should a man be held responsible for a child he didn't consent to" debate; no. He should have some hard discussions with his girlfriend, say... frankly, at this point, I love you like I'd love a sister and I don't want any more children hard stop. It's made easier if he doesn't want contact with his daughter later on in life either. He could have his parental rights signed away and he could leave I feel sympathy for those who didn't consent to having children most of all. It's the people who planned children and resent them once they're here I have more of an issue with
I also feel complex about this situation. I have ADHD + autism and my dad's physically disabled so my mum is legally his carer. That in itself isn't the issue, it's that he's also extremely immature and he's a piece of shit to put it lightly. I've never met an adult so immature. Constantly picking fights with his autistic child cause he thought it was funny how angry I'd get and always needing to be the centre of attention. Nobody's problems were ever allowed to be worse than his. I can't count how many events or nice things he's ruined. So basically my mum has had to take care of 4 kids instead of having a husband to help take care of 3 kids. While I quite like being alive, I feel so bad for my mum in particular that things went this way. She didn't even plan on living in this country but she got pregnant with my brother and got stuck here with our dad. She doesn't even have hobbies and she's never going to be able to be her own person until he dies. But she's expected to somehow *enjoy* being stuck like this? She always feels so guilty when she complains about him but I want her to know that it doesn't make her a bad person for being so fatigued. At the same time, I can't help but feel some resentment about them never getting divorced when they clearly don't like eachother (I know divorce isn't as easy as that, but it's still a feeling I have) and instead deciding to subject us to an entire childhood of having to walk eggshells around parents who are constantly arguing and a dad who will bully you for no reason. Maybe I wouldn't be needing so much therapy if I hadn't grown up feeling unsafe in my own home. I was clearly an accidental baby (youngest of 3 born significantly later than my siblings) and he still tells me shit like how he got sterilised because I was apparently such a horrible child. I know my mum loves us but I also know she mourns a life she could have had. She regrets not being able to have a career or hobbies. Even I mourn that for her, she deserves so much better than what she has. I can see how it's left an impact on her and her behaviours, and it's sad to think about how easily things could be different. And then everyone seems to wonder why I want to move out so bad.
I have a hard time when folks just declare “adoption/foster care!” As if there is a 100% guarantee you won’t actually worsen the child’s quality of life sending them there. We unfortunately know that foster children face high rates of abuse, especially s*xual. I have close friends who were foster children and now need intensive therapy to recover from their childhoods in foster care.
@@steff6146that’s the big issue with these situations because adoption is often a bad option for the child just like staying with parents who don’t want them is bad for them. the only moral way to deal with an unwanted child other than having a family member want to adopt them which is often not an option is to not get to that point in the first place. there are genuinely people who use all the precautions possible to prevent having a child however it seems that most cases are people being careless. this is why i strongly stand behind schools reaching sex ed when more conservative people think we should get rid of it. we need to deal with this issue before it occurs bc it doesn’t end well for an innocent child who didn’t ask to be here. there will always be teens and young adults who want to have sex despite being taught not to so it’s best to provide the knowledge to avoid pregnancy rather than for the topic of sex to be completely forbidden. i also think that more people need to be taught about the trauma that foster and adopted children face bc too many people only see the “good side” of it which isn’t as common unfortunately. there is a huge lack of knowledge in the topic of pregnancy as a whole as well as unwanted pregnancies, abortions, contraceptives and adoption.
I was searching for this comment. Why would you traumatize a child by saying that? She literally has no fault in you being indoctrinated in a religion that pressured you into having children. I hope their kid goes no contact and he is one of those lonely people in a retirement home.
Then they want you to feel bad for them. YOU chose to abuse your kid. YOU chose to ruin them. They took no part in whatever happened to you. I do not feel bad for you, I feel bad for your kids
Too many people should not be parents because some of us are just not fit for it. Abortion needs to be avalible for everyone, adoption too. I will be 35 in March & have decided to never have children. Never. Just the thought of going through pregnancy scares me beyond words. Having another living creature growing inside of me beyond my control, moving around while I'm trying to sleep & then having to deal with the trauma of going through surgery to finally have it taken out would kill me. I literally would rather die than become pregnant. I don't need a baby to validate my existance or to be happy and neither do you, my friends. I have a kitty, Sophie, & she is all I need. She is my whole world & I'm thankful for her.
i would love to have a baby but i know i will probably never be a mother by choice because i can barely take care of myself, let alone a whole other human. also the concept of teaching someone how to go to the bathroom blows my mind
So happy to find another person who feels the same way I do. I’m 32 and similarly have never wanted a child and the thought of being pregnant is probably the scariest most disgusting thing I can think of for myself. I have nothing against kids and people who want them, but I’ll pass, thanks.
Honestly, we need to really be stressing the fact that the world doesn't even have the carrying capacity for every human to be a parent right now. Maybe hundreds of thousands of years ago it did. Leave the parenting to people who want it beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's ok that not every person will be able or willing to replace themselves. I work with disabled and vulnerable adults and youth and it breaks my heart to see what being unwanted can do to someone's psyche. I don't judge or dislike people for not wanting kids, but I reserve my right to not think very kindly of people who thought it would be like owning a pet hamster, like they really think that they wouldn't be dedicating the rest of their lives to their children? They thought that an infant child would be a few hiccups here and there? Have they never babysat before? I just don't get how you couldnt spend at least 5 or 10 years of your life planning and seriously considering it, and taking classes or joining support groups or watching a friend's kids to get a feel for it before making the biggest decision of not only your life, but your child's life. Literally. Now for the woman who was manipulated et cetera... To me that reflects how crappy our mental and physical health care system is, and how little support there is for domestic @buse cases. She probably didn't know she could ask for help out of that relationship... Probably didn't even know the resources in her own neighborhood. Probably made to feel guilty for thinking about abortion or giving the child up for adoption.
@@MermaidMakes I was an accident. My parents didn't love each other and were married because Daddy wanted to be responsible. They only lasted 5 years. Every single day, I think about him screaming in my face when I was 5 about how Mommy left & ruined everything. This year will be the 30th anniversary of the divorce & he still hates her. Everyone has moved on, but him. Breaks my heart that he can't let it go. Dad is only hurting himself.
Thankfully, ‘kid-free’ has gained acceptance in the past 30 yrs or so, when i 1st recognized it as MY path. Of course i caught all the usual bs: “you’ll change your mind,” “but i want grandkids (i’m an only child),” etc.. & now, a much smaller % of ppl jump to the conclusion that i’m “barren (wtf!?);” i’m withOUT due to some tragic condition. LOL 🙄 FYI I do not live some grand fantasy. I do not travel the globe, hobnobbing with the rich & famous. I don’t have a fantastic career; i’m not well-off. Hell, i don’t even have a toned, tanned, baby weight & stretchmark- free body!! (damnit). I wasn’t ’forced to choose’ or anything dramatic like that. I lead a very simple existence. But damn near every day, for whatever reason, i’m reminded how happy i am for the choice i made, & how worthwhile the precautions were. Even as i look into the angelic face of my beautiful, perfect goddaughter, i have never felt one ounce of regret! There is NOTHING “selfish” about knowing what is right for U, living your own life, &/or finding meaning in this world beyond plopping another person onto it. & meanwhile?.. To be able to read a book in peace, go back to bed when you’re sick.. or pour all your ❤ into litters of feral kittens like i do lol.. That sh!# is PRICELESS!!
The fact that some people don’t even think about potentially having a child with disabilities is mind blowing. Aside from my exposure to kids as a pre school teacher (it really solidified my opinion on having kids) the primary reason I realized I didn’t want kids is BECAUSE I knew I wouldn’t be able to care for a disabled child. People who don’t think they could have a disabled child are selfish imo
They are more stupid rather than selfish i'd say, in cases when the possibily of their kid being born disabled or retarded doesn't even cross their mind. Not wanting to be burdened with a child like is completely understandable tho
@@sekiro_the_one-armed_wolfno, but I also am not surprised Pikachu shocked when I do broski. Also, people need to drive their cars. You don't *need* to have a child.
Me and my little brother have ADHD and learning disabilities and I know for a fact (because she told us) that our mother regrets having us. I sympathize with these parents (and my own) because no doubt it is difficult to raise special needs children, but growing up in a household that doesn't accommodate/support or even like you means that the child gets the worse end of the stick. I am furious at people who want to have a child but do not prepare themselves for that baby becoming anything other than a perfect, able bodied, mentally healthy, behaviorally sound, socially skilled, straight, and cis human being. My mother once warned me against having kids; "it is much harder than you think" but I don't think it is easy at all. My brother and I aren't even that bad. We were empathetic kids who got along with others okay but we had serious troubles in school and my my parents could not handle it. I can't imagine what childhood would have been like if one of us was born non-verbal or with an intellectual disability.
Almost the same for me here, though i have been going for a long part of my life undiagnosed, only last year did i get my GAD diagnosis. But anytime i display any sign of neurodivergence, my mom or my dad tell me that "my brother is copying from me" or viceversa. It's tiring, specially cuz sometimes they get angry at stuff neither of us understand why they're angry for. Neither of my parents say that they regret having us, but i'm sure as hell they regret having a nd transmasc anxious older child and a nd hyperactive younger one, specially in comparison to our middle sibling who's neurotypical. the comparisons are unavoidable at this point, and every therapist ive told this just tries to rationalize it but i can't seem to get it out of my head. I wish they didn't regret us
Yes honestly I think that if you aren’t prepared for the fact you might have a disabled child you probably shouldn’t have children at all. bc even if they are born fine, or prenatal checkups are clear, they can become disabled at any point for a million different reasons, and like I said, even if ultrasounds and other prenatal procedures are fine there are a whole lot of disorders that can’t be detected before they are born
I feel like in a lot of these cases, there’s a deeper underlying issue. In my line of work I talk to a lot of people about very personal aspects of their life; some people ALWAYS need to have a scapegoat for their feelings of dissatisfaction with themself. Before kids, it was work. Before work, it was college. Before college, it was their parents. Especially the cases where people start to project their resentment onto their partners as well. The same personality type will buy a new car, a new house, get a younger partner, switch careers, move to a new city, then a new state, maybe collect degrees, maybe collect classic cars or something similar… It’s all to fill the void of self-acceptance that they never really worked to fix. I’m not saying g this applies to everyone who doesn’t want kids, but I feel like a decent handful of the people who post on subs like this are stuck in the habit of blaming external factors for their uncomfortable emotions.
I think this is the truth for a lot of them. It's very easy to think to yourself "I would have went to college and become a top lawyer" if they did not get kids (saw someone comment their mom told them that) but it is hard to admit to yourself you just didn't go for it hard enough . I went through law school and a lot of my womenly "colleagues" chose that period to get pregnant because of the flexible schedule compared to a lawyers/jurist schedule - they all handled it fine btw.
My mom definitely resented me and was very neglectful though my entire childhood. It only got worse when I was a teenager, arguably when i needed her the most. I wish people would stop lying about how "amazing" parenthood is - there are a lot or people who just shouldn't be parents.
Such an awful situation for everyone involved. Parents have less support now than at any other time in human history-many don’t have extended family nearby to assist with childcare, and it’s impossible for most families to survive off of one income, which means both parents work outside the home and have to shell out a good portion of their income to pay for childcare, at least here in the US. If these parents were able to access the resources they desperately need at a low cost and without judgement, their burden would be made so much lighter. Children aren’t stupid. They can absolutely tell when they’re resented and it causes immense damage that lasts a lifetime.
My sister whose only 20 just had a child a few months ago by mistake. My family is extremely pro life and years of brainwashing forced my sister into thinking she had no options. She tends to hide what she's really feeling, but I had been made aware of the fact that she cried in sadness when finding out she was pregnant and throughout the pregnancy. My family had a shot gun wedding about 2 months after finding out about the pregnancy. Her kid is now a couple months old and my family adores her and i do as well even if im just her aunt. My sister has grown attached, but apart of me can't shake the feeling that all these posts warn about. She never had a choice. That's just the facts, and one day they may come back to haunt her if they haven't already.
Some of these made me feel sympathy, but the one about the 6 yr old ADHD child boiled my blood. So often parents only think of how things affect them- but imagine how that child feels, with no friends, neurological issues and a mother who literally admits to wishing she would no longer exists? 6 is old enough for sure to sense that type of shit.
There's all sorts of stories from these 'parents' about how they're sooooooo upset because they had a neurodivergent child. Seriously, shit like this makes me sick.
It's so terrifying to me how flippantly a lot of people treat the decision to bring kids into the world. I have been on the fence about it before and nowadays I'm pretty positive I never want kids and I'm so thankful to past-me for not having them "just because." Very glad forums exist like this because people need to make fully informed decisions and know what could happen. That one OP is totally right that parents need to stop blowing smoke up others' rear ends about how wonderful parenthood is. Those types always give me join-my-MLM, misery-loves-company vibes. No thanks.
I love being a parent. I have zero regrets. I fully believe in choices and being self-aware though. Kids are not an on-the-fence type of subject. If you're on the fence, you shouldn't have kids imo. Kids are also not bandaids for fixing your life or relationship. Your life will change. A lot of these hateful parents whining about their life seem to have thought they'd live exactly the same as before just with a kid. Kids aren't dolls, so that's not gonna happen. People have kids for bad reasons then blame the kids and that's not okay no matter how much reddit sympathy they get. Good on you for knowing yourself and not becoming an ah parent.
As someone from the US: I've ALWAYS had a literal phobia of pregnancy and never wanted kids. From the time I WAS a kid, I've been afraid of having kids. I want to teach, and I do like kids, I just know I'm not the person to be solely responsible for them (really bad mental health squad ha). Luckily, I'm also a lesbian, but I constantly get harassed by men, like I'm not that pretty I just have a flashing target on my back that tells creeps to hit on me or something. I was with a male friend in a public place and had a guy feel me up in front of him, that's how bad it is. The way the government is taking away our abortion rights TERRIFIES me. I have such bad hormonal issues that I know I'd probably be one of the girls who doesn't know they're pregnant until it's too late to abort (if that's even still an option) and have multiple illnesses that would make pregnancy severely detrimental to my health. It's such a stupid irrational fear but I've always said I would sooner kill myself than have a child. Like if abortion is illegal I'm throwing myself down the stairs.
Eh, it sucks but if you ever get pregnant (hope you won't), at least you can give up the kid for adoption. Imagine if they banned giving children up tho :/ that would a shit hit the fan moment
I wouldn’t say it’s irrational at all. Pregnancy is disgusting and it’s horrifying how many creeps are okay with forcing it on people. It shows how little empathy they have for people who can get pregnant. I’m lucky enough to have a super effective birth control implant but unfortunately it doesn’t work for everyone (it can make periods worse).
@@_stillborn giving up for adoption does not turn back the permanent damage pregnancy can do to a body nor the danger of possible injury/permanent illness/death from the process. --another pregnancy-phobic lesbian, but thankfully i'll probably make it out of this life barren, gods willing
My mom waited until she was 34 to have me, and she has said that it was the best decision she ever made. She is, however, having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she'll only ever be a doggy grandma. As someone with a lot of chronic health conditions, I don't think it's fair to have children and then rely on my mom to help me raise them. And I have enough trouble taking care of myself, so how am I supposed to care for another human? She doesn't really see how that's not fair for both her and the hypothetical child, but she's a little blinded by dreams of grandmahood. It's funny, because growing up, not being able to have children was my worst fear. Weird how that worked out.
I had my first child at 32 and my last (now age 4) at 38. I also have some chronic pain issues and a lot of times, I feel really guilty because I just can’t do a lot of the things that the younger parents of their friends can do. I love my girls, I rally really do, but if I could do it all over, i don’t know that I’d make the same choices.
@@TheDutchessOfCornville32 seems like a good age for a kid, 38 does seem a little late, I guess it depends how many kids you had known you wanted, definitely need more time for a bigger family, but my BF's sister had two kids by her early 30s and she is actually physically great and able to keep up well, but she stopped at around 35 ish
"I wish you were never born" Jesus christ!! That poor kid didn't ask for you to have her when you weren't ready. Now you're gonna turn around and say that to her?! Outrageous
I think it's good to have subreddits like this. It allows people to vent their unfiltered frustrations and also serves as a warning for others that parenting is not just a rite of passage that EVERYONE should do. It requires time, effort and a lot of patience, and if you don't have these or are unprepared, then you will end up in an awful situation
hot take, but you are right, kinda. some things should NEVER even be thought of but most of these are fair, but fr dont resent a kid over your hornyness 💀
While I feel a lot of sympathy for some of these people who are clearly struggling, I feel like the fact that children are PEOPLE who didn’t ask to be born is being lost in their discussions. Nobody asks to be born, and these people will grow up knowing they are actively resented and disliked by their parents. Knowing my parent quite literally regrets my existence and views me as a burden on them would be absolutely soul crushing. 2:10
I feel the same. while I do feel some sympathy for these people (especially so for those who were coerced by partners) the real victim here is the children. they’re all I can think about listening to these.
One of my parents told me this to my face. Yes. It's pretty disturbing. Gladly, I was adult by the time, but it still hurt. I don't wish to not be born. I just wish my parent would've worked out their issues before wanting kids. Cause the kid isn't the problem usually. Parenthood just brings out the worst (and best) in anyone. So imo this goes as far as: if you're a mentally stable and mature adult human, you'll be able to handle a kid. Having kids is a very normal and natural thing. We're just biologically made to have them and we're made to be resilient too. We're born to do hard things all life long. But if someone just doesn't want kids and / or doesn't have it in them to raise a kid, then I just don't get why they would. And feeding into that thought, I hate this concept of blindness, this whole "oh, you only find out once you become a parent" thing... As if there's zero common sense, no signs, no nothing. But there is. I knew I'd be an okay parent. And I am. You can definitely find that out for yourself. People just don't do it. And then they're like "Oh shit. How did I become this?" So, if you have doubts, you HAVE TO figure them out first. And then either don't become a parent or work it out and get help. So many issues can be resolved by introspection and knowledge here, but the issue of parental emotional incompetence is never touched on. Instead, society is blamed for "making them" become parents... Uhm, no. 🙄
@@UndineAlmani exactly. I knew my parents regretted having me when I was 5 years old and onwards, my own mother would threaten to put me up for adoption whenever I forgot to do something or to put on mittens when it was cold outside, etc. It screws up children, I unfortunately know from first hand experiences. I still doubt whether my parents are lying or not when they say they love me, even though I’m already 18 and am considered an adult, and am far from “useless” in terms of household work. People NEED to actually sit down and consider if they want children or not. If they’re not ready for a child 110%, then they shouldn’t have one. Because it’s always harder to parent a child than many people think - they also need to be ready for the likely possibility of the child having a mental, developmental, or a physical disability - and even them developing it later in life. They need to understand that parents will take away from your free time to a very big degree. This shouldn’t be a half hearted decision they make, just because “that’s what they have to do”. No one *has* to have children, people need to know that it’s ok if they won’t have them. If someone’s partner tries to wear them down I’m regards to having children, when the second partner doesn’t want to - it’s best to just leave, than to have either of the parents have resentment their entire lives. Children aren’t negotiable, children aren’t compromise-able, you need to leave in that case.
@Pixelated Human Person So sorry that happened to you. Dysaffectionate parents and narcissist parents are the worst for a kid, I think. For me it was just the no touch, no love statements thing. I make it my thing to hug my kid all the time, not explode over minor shit and tell her I love her every day. I wasn't able to do that with any other person and she really changed my life. My main reason for having a kid was actually that I saw a mom shouting at her kid and I thought "Wait? Can I do this better?" And it sounds completely dumb but I mean it in a way as: when you actually feel less fear because you see others suck at something and that makes it more "humanly possible". If that makes sense 🙈. And my other big goal was to suck less than my parents, which was pretty low 😭🤣🙄 I think, the topic is a bit uhm... bloated? Blown up? Sry not a native English speaker here. Like people obsess over this, even the ones that don't want kids (I was the same. I was so on everyone's face that I find kids boring AF and don't want any). It's a decision that impacts 3+ lives. It's important. But it's something you gotta figure out by yourself. Like everything in life that's important. Like your profession or identity or which country you want to live in or what you're willing to die for. All of these are the same level to me almost...
@@UndineAlmani Thank you, I'm doing much better now that I was able to have a talk with my parents about it. I don't blame them entirely, they had a lot of extreme problems when I was growing up, and I even realized this as I was growing up myself. Still, they grew as people, and they realized how wrong they were to act that way. I'm glad! You sound like a wonderful parent! I'm glad you're learning from your own parents and the people around you on how not to act. Your reasoning sounds really great, I don't think it's stupid at all! It's a great motivation, especially compared to some parents' motivation of having children "because that's what they need to do" or because "they want someone to take care of them when they're old". Yeah, this topic is pretty overblown. I think it's because it became acceptable to not have children a short while ago, and even still - many people are pressured into it, even to this day. It's a very important choice to make, and people need to consider it heavily! You're right to point out how it's as big of a commitement as a career or moving to another country, having children will literally impact your entire life. Some people may think about it, and decide to not have children for any reason. I think that's very healthy, and is the best decision not just for them, but for any future potential non-existant children, as well. It's best that children grow up in an enviorment where they feel needed, since every child deserves a loving parent.
This subreddit is-- a sore spot for me. I don't really know how to think about it. I'm autistic, and I was that sort of difficult kid-- I got kicked out of the Scouts for telling the other kids there that Santa wasn't real, I bit my sister on a few occasions, to this day I have a scar on the side of my head where I spun into the sharp edge of a table at two years old because I liked twirling. Luckily, I had a patient mom that adapted well to my brain because she knew what she was getting into and recognized some of the traits in me. So, I guess on some level I do _relate_ to these kids. But their parents' feelings are-- strange. On some level they're valid, but at the same time I just want to shake them and scream "THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR KID MUST BE FEELING!" like that lady with the daughter with severe ADHD, my lord, how self-centered do you have to be. You don't have "mommy friends", aww that's so sadddddd, you keep forcing your kid into situations where she's not happy, is probably _very_ overstimulated, and then get mad at her when she can't behave or has "meltdowns like a two-year-old". btw _That's_ a sign of autism, which is often comorbid with/mistaken for ADHD, which would explain why she's not responding to medication and why she acts like this. But you don't care to look into that because you're too busy self-pitying and whining about how you have no life. You're the little shit here, not her. But still. There's a thread throughout these stories of people having kids young, and people having kids with disabilities. It's "I have no social life", "I have no life", "I'm tired", "I'm done", which is fine. They are valid feelings, especially with the feeling like you've wasted your life somehow. That dad who was in his twenties and was sort of forced into it. The lady with the shitty ex that just abandoned her at the hospital after forcing a child. If it's by force, I have more sympathy. That guy that caved and told his daughter just broke my heart, because of how much suffering he was inflicting on himself _and_ her. But it's still rather self-centered, and doesn't really think about the child's feelings. Ultimately, there's another person's feelings in the matter, and now you have to consider what's best for everyone here. I think that's the main issue here, what's best in the long term for everyone's emotional health. I do understand if you're frustrated abt having to care for a child, especially one with an unexpected disability. But honestly, if you're severely depressed about your kid's existence, to the point where you think about ending your own life, you need to look into adoption. It's probably what's best for you and them, especially an impressionable kid. I wish adoption and foster care were less underfunded and stigmatized, and kids could go to homes that are equipped for them. Until then...I guess the statistics of parents killing neurodivergent kids will just...exist. sorry for the essay in the comments but-- idk this is a bit of a touchy subject for me, since I know I'd-- be like these parents if I was ever forced to have a kid, while wondering the horrors that I would've gone through if I had a parent-- like me if that made any sense. idk. either way it's a hard subject.
Y'know this is the only comment essay here I really understood, something about it really hit me. Reading some other comments here, I feel like people here are kinda forgetting about how the kids would feel during this. As another autistic brotha, I really got pissed off with some of these "I hate my mentally disabled child" posts, but at the same time I do understand and sympathize with the other parents, so I can't wholly discredit the stance many people here take. I wholeheartedly agree with your stance that adoption should be a more common option in these situation, sometimes people just aren't ready to be parents, sometimes people just shouldn't ever be parents. Sorry about this being a bit all over the place, I was just sorta moved by your comment and wanted to give you the kudos you're owed for that.
Same I was a difficult kid for my single mom but even if we didn’t get on she is my best friend today and her patience is on a god level and I feel horrible for these kids.
I’ll never understand parents hating their disabled children since I and my little brother have parents who understand we’re autistic and need accommodations. I have to simplify something for my little brother to understand while he’s willing to partake in job training. My parents still go to events with family friends and such.
I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum so I have no problem saying this: if you can’t manage your resentment & learn how to properly nurture your child, please for the love of god hand them over to someone who can. They don’t deserve a lifetime of trauma just because you couldn’t handle being their parent. I’m a mom but I’m also no stranger to the abortion clinic so i get it. I’m not coming from a place a judgement & actually hold a lot of empathy for people who felt pressured into this life but at the end of the day, it’s up to you to do the right thing & place those kids where they’re wanted.
My husband and I knew 100% we wanted a kid, and went through a lot to adopt our son. We absolutely love him, but his emotional problems can be really draining. Sometimes I definitely have thoughts like this. But my husband and I have a great relationship and can support each other and we have a strong support network. We have weekly social worker visits to make sure we're holding up and weekly family therapy. I can't imagine how parents without those advantages manage. I hope these parents get the support they need.
something that bothers me when it comes to parents who merely regret having an *autistic* child rather than children in general feels that 9/10 times just stems from them being poor parents. They didn't get a child they could just do whatever they pleased with, instead they got a child with boundaries and needs. So they need to be a better, more understanding and loving parent than they *think* theyd need to be to a neurotypical child. I'm autistic, and i can pretty clearly remember how a lot of my issues stemmed more from poor parenting than from being autistic. Being autistic just often made it so i expressed it differently, like being overstimulated and having meltdowns. Most of these were caused because i was afraid, for example. It's not that your child is, generally speaking, oh so much more difficult. You just didnt get a doll to play with. You actually have to parent. Because of this as well, they raise god awful children. They either dont parent them properly, and theyre nightmares to deal with as a result (because they didnt expect to actually need to *parent*) Or the kid gets neglected/abused.
Yes, far too many parent not only expect an NT child, they expect that NT child to have wants and desires that the parents share. You make me think off all those jock dads who are pissed that they have a child who doesn't want to be playing sportsball.
You're right, and oh my god, the amount of people who have argued with me about this. Everyone acts like it's the child's fault and the parent deserves more sympathy than the child; it's ableism, plain and simple. I wasn't a particularly difficult child, but I am autistic, and this mindset really hits a nerve for me. I just find it incredibly sad, especially since I COULD'VE been a difficult child if my autism happened to affect me differently than it does.
@vinny1883 Exactly. Don't get me wrong, I had some difficulties. But those honestly stemmed more from poor, stubborn parenting. For a while I was really scared of the dark due to being told a horror story, so I'd freak out every night because my mother refused to leave the hall lights on. No reason other than "I don't wanna". Those nightly freak outs for 2 hours quite literally wouldn't have happened if she just...left the light on till I was asleep. And now she leaves the hall light on every night for herself 🙃 It's smal things but these parents literally seem to CREATE these situations
Like stated a lot of people have an idealized version of it parenthood and having a kid is a reality check, I feel like a lot of these people think that and when they have a kid they blame on the autism.
The mom with the adhd daughter honestly pissed me off, the way she talked about how she envisioned her child to be just told me she was never ready to have a kid, neurotypical or not, kids aren't little props you can mold to your liking, the poor girl probably senses that her mom hates her and that worsens her behavior, she cleary feels unloved. This is obviously not just the mom's fault, the dad is very shitty too but since he's not the one going on reddit calling his daughter terrible things its a lot harder to judge him 😶 I'd advise therapy for the whole family tbh ✋ That poor kid :/
Also just a rule of thumb, don't have kids if you aren't at all prepared to deal with a disabled kid, anyone can become disabled at any point in time, just because they might be born physically healthy and neurotypical NOTHING can assure you they will stay that way for the rest of their lives
@@J233-4 Its just so terrible, one of the symptoms of ADHD is rejection sensitive dysphoria, we're very very aware of every single word someone says that might imply they don't like us, that child KNOWS how much her mom hates her
A lot of these parents scream "i never knew i had to actually *parent* and *teach* my kid!!" and its just amplified by having a disabled child. They can usually kinda skate on by unnocitced with a neurotypical child. But with a neurodivergent child, damn right you'll notice whos actually parenting them and who isnt.
Heavy. I think it is unfortunate that so many either chose to have kids or made some choices that led them to but didn't want to. I sometimes feel a sense of family would be nice, but I'm barely outside the grips of constant substance abuse and my life is not suited to introducing an attachment an responsibility to an adult, let alone to a child dependant upon my care. I'm almost completely emotionally unavailable. Any kid deserves more than I could give. Shit that's long.
As a disabled kid belonging to one of those many parents that never expected to have one, my parents were very clearly neglectful to me because I was disabled, and therefore not someone they could see with a future or someone who could make a profit. There's many times where I wish they could be in the circumstances where they could have handed me off to someone who cared about me despite my disabilities, and in my more suicidal thoughts, I wished they had aborted me. It's a complicated situation to have, both from a child's perspective and a parent's. Compared to my siblings, I am rarely looked at as an entire human being, someone capable of doing what is expected of a parent's child, both in adolescence and adulthood. I cannot forgive them for their lack of care, even if they didn't intend to have a disabled child, because I know my birth was intentional and consenting. I know for many children in general, that may not be the case. I sympathize with my parents, but unlike some of the parents you highlighted in this video, my guadians weren't willing to do the bare minimum. Even if they did, I know I wouldn't be accepted, and that hurts a lot.
I'm really sorry to hear that. Disabled people are still that, people. If taken care of they will be seen as a person and not just a burden or someone to look away from. I genuinely wish I could be there for you and all the other afflicted people in this comment section because it hurts to see so many people going through things no one should ever have to go through.
Things like this are important to talk about, kids suffer because they aren’t wanted, adults suffer because they have to care for kids they didn’t want or don’t love, having a kid should never, ever be taken lightly.
One of the many reasons I never want children is this; apart from having conditions I could pass on, I just don’t want to create a being who will suffer for their entire life.
i disagree, i have a critical disablillity that made it near-impossable for me to walk, but, lowk i would do it again if i had the choice to be normal, because, being disabled=you see doctors=free lollypop+medical knowledge. also it made me stronger and the time i couldnt run around, was used to learn and developed into learning multible new skills! i am still working (i had a recent sugery and recovering) but after this one i SHOULD be ok :) life is more fun then not(i was 9 at the first signs of symptoms, now 13!) ((p.s. this comment is one i sent to someone else so if it sound weird, it is outta context))
My daughter is so much like me, but she's made of all the GOOD parts of me. She doesn't have the abuse and trauma I grew and lived with. She was the result of a single violent rape by a "friend" who drugged me. My fear as a parent is the shit she's going to go through. My biggest mistake was a mix of being too trusting and never knowing how to actually love myself growing up. How do I even begin to prepare her for the cruelty in this world? I'm worried that while I might raise her avoid the abuse I endured, there's an entirely different line of abuse I have no way of defending her from. I don't blame people for not having kids. I wouldn't have had any had I not been raped. I regret the rape, but lucky for her and I, I do not regret her. Not even a little bit. But my situation was different. I was immediately struck into both a crime and an unwanted pregnancy. I viewed her as a parasite, as a medical condition the entire pregnancy. I felt NOTHING when I saw her 4D ultrasound and heard her heartbeat. I took perfect care of her and myself out of nothing more than obligated duty. But when they put her on my chest, every feeling I've never felt hit me like a semi truck and I cried so hard my eyes swelled shut and I didn't even know what her face looked like. I loved her more in that moment than I had and will ever love anything else. It's why I will never have another child. I only have enough love in my heart to give one person my world. I am lucky in that she is fiercly intelligent, brave, loving, and independent beyond her age. She's 9. But not everyone has that experience of intense bonding. God I hurt for both the children and the parents in these situations. Parenthood is the hardest and most thankless job in the world, and I really wish we would STOP forcing people to think having kids is a normal part of life.
As a survivor of SA myself, this story is powerful. Thank you for doing your best, for loving that child, and for not shaming anyone who would not have had your same strength. All of the blessings to your family.
Often when childfree are asked why they are childfree "Just never wanted kids" is the most common reason. Many people fall for the trap that people choose not to have children because their are huge into their career, or they are hardcore environmentalists.
As someone with ADHD and autism listening to these stories, especially the ones with kids with disabilities, I realize how lucky I am that my parents didn't end up like the parents on the sub. It makes me so sad that kids are in situations like this.
Whenever I hear about this subreddit all i can think of are those poor kids. Though they never said it and seemed like good parents on the surface, my parents *hated* me and its fucked me up beyond comprehension. When I was a child I slept with a knife between my mattress and box spring because my dad hated me & drank so much that I was genuinely scared of what he might do. It's gotten better now that I'm an adult. I have better control over the autism that caused so many of the personality traits they hated and im no longer dependent on them, so we can all ignore each other for weeks with no issue. But the damage is done. Im 27 and I've never been in a romantic relationship or even had a real crush because my "love map" is so fucked that I can't imagine anyone actually, truly loving me. I dont deserve love. I cannot be loved. I can only be regretted. People tell me thats not true. Intellectually I'm sure they're right - there's nothing about me that's inherently different from any other schmuck - but no matter how hard i try, no matter how much therapy I go to, how matter how much personal work I do, I cannot fix the things my r/regretfulparents broke in me. I'm a broken doll glued back together. You can display me, but im far too fragile to play with. I just stand on the shelf collecting dust so I dont get broken again. After all, if your own parents don't care about you, why would anyone else?
More people need to realize therapy is no guaranteed cure. For a significant number of people it actually makes them worse. For others, I guess it is the equivalent of putting duct tape on damaged goods, and calling it "Good as new."
Your parents were garbage, real human trash. You are not. They had no right to treat you that way, you are a good, innocent person who was a victim of intense abuse. Picture a child who went through the same pain as you. I know you’d want to be kind to that child and to help them. That’s the treatment you deserve, love and support.
"After all, if your own parents don't care about you, why would anyone else?" Darling, so many people would. Your parents only hold that title until one of them forgets.
I have ADHD and I recently graduated with my MS. The story about the parents with an ADHD child really pisses me off. I never asked to be born. Any struggles my parents had raising me were 10x worse living them as an ADHDer. If you aren't ready to have a child with a disability, don't have kids. It's simple as that.
Sorry but as a disabled person I have minimal sympathy for parents who resent their disabled children, if you don’t consider that your child can be born or acquire a disability you’re irresponsible. Literally everyone who lives long enough will at some point in their life become more or less disabled.
it must have been hard for you to hear that part of the video with the disabled daughter, but you're right, people jump into having kids as if they're furniture and not people. Even freak accidents could make a healthy person disabled, what then, they just don't think ahead much. But nonetheless, I hate those who pressure others knowing they will have no consequences themselves.
Yeah I agree. I hate seeing parents talk about how hard it is taking care of disabled kids, like right in front of them too. I also have to wonder, when these kids act out is it because their disabled, or maybe because they have parents who obviously dislike them, and take every moment to remind them of their burden, without even a thought to what it might be like for people like us. I'm so lucky my mom was an angel to me, and was calm and kind when I had problems.
@@oanaenache991I have adhd and autism, it often makes me feel lucky that my mum doesn’t resent me first I she got me from her dead ab*dive partner (I never met him but he hit mum when I was in the stomach) she left when the police threatened to take her 3 special needs kids including me we weren’t privileged my mum had to beg for me to get my diagnosis they said “she’ll catch on” I never did and the fact she can still love me with all these problems I have idk. The amount of times I’ve had a sensory overload and hit people and her to still sit on the floor with me and handle me is amazing I know I never want kids because I know I’d be a bad mum. But she isn’t
As someone who has life altering problems that will never go away, I would not be able to handle a disabled child. Do I want children? Yes. But am I terrified they’re gonna end up like me? Yes. Is that making it hard for me to make decisions? Yes
I married my highschool boyfriend very young and didn't realize how abusive the situation was until way too late. Among other things, he sexually assaulted me regularly and left me with intimacy issues I'll likely be working on for the rest of my life. The scariest part, in hindsight, was how hard he tried to force me to get pregnant - and how he almost wore me down enough to give in. I'm finally out of that situation and getting sterilized next week (I'm 24). I'm not doing it because I've sworn off parenthood forever -- I'm doing it because I feel I no longer have the luxury of being safe in my fertility. I'm not even sexually active, but between societal expectations, classism, and the widespread abortion bans in my country, I've been constantly terrified that I could be raped, impregnated, and forced to keep the child for years now and I won't be able to breathe until that possibility is erased. It might sound like a paranoid delusion, but if you look at the stories of people on this subreddit and others in similar positions, is it really that far fetched?
If my mom had Reddit, I’m sure my story would’ve made its way on here. I was always told she had no friends and it was my fault because she had to take care of us. She had me at 17 and I don’t have a bond with her despite her being my biological mom, and it hurts. All I want is the only biological parent I have to not cause me to react and act like I don’t exist and are just happy with my siblings. I’m 21 and when I get really upset I cry and beg that I want a mother I never really even had. I don’t know why I’m so sensitive and cry and hit myself when I get upset, but it made my mom hate me and the butt of why she’s renting or why she has nothing. Why my family has nothing. It hurts. I just want my mom.
And so many people feel sympathy for the PARENTS on this thread or say the problem is not having access to reproductive rights. Fuck all of that - no child deserves to feel that way. Parents who do that to them are pieces of shit
the choice to remain child free is one i make over and over again, every day. scary to think the decision to become a parent is one you only need to make once.
I feel like there should be some rigorous process to go through to make sure you really want to bring another child into this world, but nope, it can happen on a whim. Honestly insane if you ask me, but hey, it is what it is.
It's really hard to feel bad for some of those people. Not for people like the first OP, who love their kids but acknowledge they missed out on a lot, and would do things differently if they had another shot a life, or the people like the two OPs whose partners basically forced them to have kids. No, I'm talking about people like the mom of the ADHD kid who kept calling her kid a little shit. I'm sure if that little girl was in a household that loved her, she'd thrive. And as a rule of thumb - don't write anything on the internet about your kid that you wouldn't want your kid to read. Even if there's next to no chance they'd ever find it, don't take that risk. The internet is forever and kids raised with it know their way around better than you'd think. Society's expectations do play a big part in this discussion, that's true. My cousin didn't want kids, but she thought she was getting too old and should have them before it was "too late." Now she's pregnant with twins. Last time I saw her she didn't look happy about it at all. And the other day my aunt was complaining that her 30yo son's girlfriend, aged 35, had an "expiration date" (her exact words) because she was almost too old to have kids. That's one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard. Anyway, I highly recommend the webcomic "How baby" to anyone considering being a parent - it's an autobiographical comic by a person who didn't want kids but decided to have one, and it depicts all the highs and especially all the lows. Imo it should be required reading for anyone wanting to be a parent or expecting an unexpected child.
Research shows that ODD and defiant behavior in general is more than likely at least 50 percent environmental, especially if the kid already has ADHD. Dr. Berkley, a now retired, but leading researcher into the field, mentioned the study and the fact that 'they're already 50 percent there' and suggests parenting to accommodate the needs with love and support would definitely alter any negative trajectories that other influences in life might have in store
My daughter was born when I was 20, due to her mothers health I am now a single dad at 23. I used to be a party animal and very social but I’m much more reserved nowadays, I’m actually glad that I don’t live that life anymore. Don’t get me wrong there are days where I could scream, feel done in, even feel like giving up but this life of sacrifice has been the most fulfilling part of my life. The benefit of being a young dad is that I will still be youngish when she grows up and I do plan on going travelling when she is older!
This is why it should be mandatory for potential parents to undergo parenting classes and what happens to a woman's body and mind before, during, and after pregnancy. I never wanted children even as a child myself, but researching all of this including the financial strain I decided that I do not want any children, even adoption is out of the question.
My mom expressed before that she regrets having us, because our father is abusive (so we're all different kinds of traumatized from a childhood full of shouting) and because she never had enough money on her own to provide us with a good life. She loves us, but she hates the world and circumstances she brought us into, if that makes any sense. In the very least, my mom totally understands the fact that none of us want our own kids.
I've known I didn't want to have kids for most of my life. I'm absurdly independent, need a lot of time to myself, and can't stand the high pitched, sudden screams children make. I'm so glad nobody is trying to pressure me into having one because I could see myself being one of these parents in an alternate universe.
Though I get to know my cousins son, I know I won’t have kids anytime soon since I lack the full responsibilities for parenthood. Glad nobody not even in my own family tell me to marry a guy and have kids (I’m a lesbian).
as a kid who grew up knowing they were unwanted, it's interesting to see the other side of these broken relationships. I always told myself that if I became a dad I would be the best dad in the world to my kid and love them like nothing else. I also know that I would make the exact same mistakes as my parents did with me, and no child deserves that pain
I feel for these parents, society has pushed the idea of parenthood and pregnancy with out any proper education about it being pushed. That being said these types of communities are a potential breeding ground for ablism and child abuse, because as much as these parents are people, so are their kids, and they will pick up on your disinterest. I was emotionally neglected as a child and as bad as I feel for these parents I can’t help but think of their kids who probably can tell their parents are regretful of them. When do support groups become echo chambers for depressing thoughts? These problems aren’t unsolvable, therapy would probably do wonders for most of these people. I just wonder if the support this group gives is enough to balance out the negative effects it will undoubtably have on thousands of children of these parents.
I don't believe society 'pushed' the idea as it's biologically ingrained in us. But I 100% agree with the rest of your comment. These groups enable and validate feelings that are not normal and should be discussed with a mental health professional
@@NvmThemHereIAm I don't know if it is socially pushed on men but as a woman at 21 yrs old and getting married soon, I've been asked multiple times if I'm having kids. My fiancé and I live in my parents' basement with stable jobs but nowhere near enough money saved to move out and raise a child, and the people asking know this. And the questions aren't "Oh will you eventually consider having kids?" It's "When are you having kids?"
Yes also "influencers" are to blame for this fake idea fmof what life is like . My daughter made my life worth living , she saved me from myself . I couldn't and wouldn't want to think about life without her.
i don't know if anyone was thinking "what would these kids think if they read these?" but genuinely, as someone whose father was neglectful and seemed to regret having kids, it'd be a relief just to hear him admit it. as many comments have said, the children can always tell... it'd give me more emotional closure to read something like this. it's a better explanation than apathy, i guess.
I feel sorry for some of these people, but some of them are just blatantly nasty people who victimize themselves. The dad who told his daughter that in big words, so he made it so she might understand it that he hated her? Vile people, spineless to blame it on the kid who didn't choose to be born and then go on to say they're the victims, like holy shit these people are vile.
Oh the sub is so much worse in real time. They get super defensive if you call them out. Most of them weren't even forced into parenthood. They're just bitter that kids are taking up more of their me-time than they thought would happen. It's self-centered and childish.
@@legitzwiz15 yup. So far my favorite was the man who knew a serious genetic disease ran in his family but decided to have bio kids anyways and is now mad at the kid for being disabled 🤦♀️ Truth is a lot of adults are more selfish and dumb than the toddlers they hate and will never take responsibilty for decisions that they as a fully grown person chose to make.
I went to that subreddit yesterday, first thing I saw was a mother complaining that she couldn’t be on her phone anymore cuz of her 18 months old kid, and also a post saying “fuck autism” over her kid being autistic and the comments were all horribly bigoted towards autistic people, like I saw someone say autism was a “disease of the devil”, I’m genuinely trying to be empathetic but some of those parents genuinely deserve cps called on them, especially the ones who are abusive towards their disabled children I have ZERO empathy for as a neurodivergent person
I don’t feel sorry for any of them. You get my point exactly though. These people are all so SELFISH! I sort of understand the feeling of missing out on your life, but outright resenting your children because of them being BORN? This sort of resentment should be directed to their stupid decisions, not their innocent children! Man I feel terrible for those kids. They really deserve better parents.
I don’t care if this makes me a bad person: I don’t feel bad for you that you made the choice to abuse your children. I am so sick of being expected to feel bad for these people. I have autism and I'm so tired of the dehumanization of disabled kids, which only makes their behavior worse. I am so tired. So sick and tired.
I feel bad for both the parents and the children. The parents said specifically that they try their best to hide the fact they hate the children and act like they love them, but as the children get older they will most likely notice that the parents are unhappy around them.
The reality is everyone is different. Marriage and kids will provide some people some degree of fulfillment but it doesn't for everyone. Most offspring are born out of a desire for sex not a desire to be a parent, and it's something that most animals just learn as they go along.
That one saying "I wish I knew there were other choices" boggles my mind. You needed to be TOLD to not have a kid? That's so weird to me. Having a child is a conscious decision... how brainwashed do you have to be to not realise decisions can just... not be made?
I'm guessing, since you're a man, you really don't understand how much pressure women were and are under to reproduce, especially 30+ years ago when, while being a career woman was an option, it was barely a generation-old option and for many women, per the way they were raised, it still really wasn't something they would consider. So, yes, a lot of women in the 70s, 80s, and even 90s, especially early 90s, were more likely to have kids because "that's just what you do" without really having the option to just have a life as a free woman promoted to them. Freedom for women is a really, really recent thing.
The brainwashing is everywhere in media. I was constantly being pressured into the whole marriage and kids BS. Literally everywhere. Friends, family, coworkers.....people didn't understand why I got upset. It's just a THING every women is expected to do. It's SO fulfilling. And a lot of women have been taught to not make waves. I was making waves and swimming against the current. My sister got her tubes tied. She hasn't told her father because she knows he's expecting grandchildren, even though she's never wanted kids.
I've known a person who was threatened to be disowned if she did not lead a traditional life (getting married, no divorce, having many children), my own mother and aunts were told from age zero till whenever they could leave the church that their main purpose on earth was to raise children and to also raise them to follow the faith. I can totally see a person who never got another perspective, just not knowing "disobedience" was an actual option. Some people are unfortunately told they will burn in damnation if they dont follow "god's plan" they really are brainwashed. Not saying its the case for this one, but some people really do not know they have a choice 🤷♀️
I wonder how many parents on that subreddit are like my mom, who imo exhibits a fascinating dichotomy of regretting one of her kids but not the other. My mom wanted me, she was so happy to have me. But her mom pressured her to have my little sister and they just never really bonded like we did. Even now as my sister and I are adults, she enjoys spending time with me engaging in our shared interests, but finds my sister annoying and exhausting to be around. It's not even a case of liking a "normal" kid over a disabled one - I have autism, schizophrenia, a connective tissue disorder, and a sleep disorder that keep me from working; my sister has anxiety and a full-time job. It's like a lot of those parents expressed: She loves my sister, but she doesn't like her. But she does like me. And I think that's another thing more parents need to talk about. Everyone insists they "don't have a favourite", but I know for a fact at least some parents do. My mom likes me better because our personalities are similar, and my dad likes my sister better because their personalities are similar. Parents have favourites and that's just a fact of life and I bet a lot of parents harbour enormous guilt over it that leads to them regretting having kids at all.
That story about the daughter with adhd is honestly so sad. I was very similar to that daughter, I had stomach issues and would scream through the night, once school started I would have meltdowns every morning before my parents went to work. I refused to eat vegetables and clean up after myself. But my parents NEVER resented me. I have autism and ADHD and although they didn’t know that for a long time, they understood that it wasn’t my fault. They never hated me even though they were not prepared for a disabled child.
At least ppl on this subreddit generally try to offer some advice to regretful parents and aren't spiteful losers like r/childfree. Unfortunately this attitude isn't exactly uncommon, I can't tell you how many ppl admitted to me how much they wanted their old lives back, this site just gave them a place to vent. Way too many ppl are pressured by family, friends, parents, society etc into having kids simply because it's something you're supposed to do when you're married but many fail to seriously consider all aspects of raising children. I feel like MORE ppl should discuss matters like this more often then hide it away, otherwise you only end up with more bitter ppl in the world with fractured relationships :(
Yeah I feel like there's two extremes that people take of either "having a child is the best thing in the world and if you're struggling you're a bad parent" or "having a child is the worst thing imaginable and if you're struggling you should have just not had kids" and I'm glad some middle ground exists now of showing there's highs/lows to having kids
When I was 5 I told my mom she was mean. She packed up my shit and kicked me out of the house. I sat on the sidewalk crying for 2 hours til my dad came home and took me back inside. Then my mom wouldn't talk to me for a week after
insane that she heard that, and immediately proved your point. she was that upset because you were right btw, parents like that hate being seen for the terrible people they are. you said that in a bid to connect, right? to try and help her understand how she was making you feel. that's so cool for a five year old. especially one with such a poor example for communicating.
@@skylinefever sometimes it's the only option, they do it either out of laziness to protection or they want their kid to grow up and make enough money to get them out of their situation
@@warriorjason2763I would say that's a bit unfair. It's not really laziness to get protection. Most of those countries have either no birth control or very unsafe methods of birth control that can ultimately be ineffective anyway. Also so many have few abortion access and a lot of children are born from rape which in some of those countries is common pratice. I'm not trying to diss those countries but those are the real issues they face and a leading reason why espically poorer populations in those countries have like 10 kids. Only the rich people can acess stuff.
i love kids and loved working at a daycare but i remember multiple pick up times where i had the thought “i love these kids but i can’t imagine going home and still taking care of them”
that's why its so infuriating when happy parents insisnt you'll eventually want kids or "its different when it's your own". even if thats possible, why on earth would i take that chance
The biggest problem is: it takes a village to raise a child. Our current society though has distanced itself from each other and therefore it's not like it was back then, when this saying was made.
I'm so glad you covered this subreddit. I chose to never have kids and have always been really blunt about it, saying I just know I couldn't love them. I know how I feel, I'm pretty selfish and want to live my life my own way. People try to argue and tell me how I'm missing out and how if I tried it I would change my mind, but that's just not true. For some people maybe, but not for everyone. Now if it comes up in conversation I always tell young people not to worry about what others say and to do what THEY feel is right. Because no one should be pressured into parenthood. It's not fair for the parents, but it's especially cruel to do that to the innocent children born to people who didn't even want them in the first place. How sad for them, what kind of life is that? I hope someday this weird pressure to become parents fully fades away.
Damn, hearing the story about the mom with the kid that has adhd really made me cry because im currently a child with adhd and now I wonder what my mom thinks about me and what other parents feel about her. I love my mom but now i wonder how it wouldve been if she didnt have me.
Please don't think like that! Parents who regret their children to this extent are in the minority, and while some say it was harder because their child had ADHD, I think they would have regretted the decision regardless. Chances are your mum loves you as much as you love her. I'm sorry this video upset you though 🖤
@@TheInternetInvestigator Thank you! I know she does love me but seeing how stressed these parents say they are i see it in my mom. shes constantly tired and i try my best to be quiet and do what she wants to keep her happy but then she has my little brother who is big trouble.
@@brattyz yeah but seeing everything in my mom what the mother in the video explained made me cry because i wasnt the best kid but i was as calm as i could be. I love my mom very much and if i had the money and time to i would spoil her with what she wanted for all these years shes taken care of me(currently 16)
@Erik I’m sure your mother really loves and appreciates you if you’ve turned out this sweet! You’re just about the best sort of kid a parent could ask for
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I heard your parents are in that subreddit once they heard the voice you were born with
@@dennycrane4507 Jesus, are you okay? Girlfriend dumped you?
Do it! Super worth it! Also @Denny Crane sorry about your girlfriend, bro. Plenty of sea in the fish and all that.
22:50 I agree with you on this. As a feminist, I feel it's a woman's inviolable right to choose, but by that extension, a man should be given the option to sign away all rights. Reproductive coercion is evil, no matter which side it's coming from, and no one should be forced to parent a child they do not want.
Please stop saying accidentally pregnant what do people think the point of sex is ????? Even if steps are taken it’s ALWAYS possible!!!! Plus little kids absolutely pick up on your attitude
The sad thing is a lot of these kids probably can sense they are unwanted and it influences their behavior/ acting out
Exactly what I was thinking with the parent calling their kid a little shit over and over
that's all i can think about
the earlier story with the 2 year old lashing out made me think of this exactly. they can sense when they're not wanted, even if the parents try to not show it, there are slips. one of several reasons i never had kids. I grew up kinda messed up and have my own issues...one wrong word one wrong action; one thing said out of anger and it could damage the child for life. I have mental health issues and didn't want to lash out and regret the rest of my life and potentially make them into a broken adult like me. people say its selfish not to have kids, but I think it was a selfless act for many of us. I loved whoever that possible child was enough not to ruin their life by being in mine.
My mom used to say stuff like that when she was drunk and I felt it. It caused me to kinda rebel and sink into a deep depression. But I know she still loved us. She has me at 16/17 and I know that in itself was hard on her bc she was still in school.
I feel astronomically more sympathy for the kids than the regretful parents.
As a person that was a preschool teacher for years and someone who currently works with children with autism, it is very evident to others when you don't want your children. Something that was so frustrating is I worked with a set of parents to help minimize their child's bad behavior and the dad was literally never there; he'd hide in his office playing videogames. When we would play board games he'd do anything to not be there; he even "joked" that he'd rather be picking up his dog's shit than play Candyland with his faughter. In fact he hit her IN FRONT of me and somehow thought I'd be okay with it. Like what the actual fuck. Please do not have children if aren't 100% sure. Your mistakes will fuck up some one else's life. Not only that, but you won't like who you become when you resent someone for simply being alive.
with the recession hitting us hard in my country, we've seen a surge of parents "handing in the bill" to their adult children so much so that "you'll force your child to buy you an apartment in X commie block" has become a meme. I know someone who is personally affected by this and I get the sense that these people probably just had kids because it was the norm and never really wanted them. I'm sure my parents never wanted me, I was likely just a way for my mother to force my father to marry her but I've been no contact for seven years
Teacher here too. It truly shows and it's sad for everyone. From the way the child dresses to the way they talk about themselves. It's so sad.
Oh god oh god oh god this is terrifying... I cant imagine being you then. I was treated kind of the same way by my father. He just, he wasnt there, and when he was he used to do jokes about sexual stuff.
Today I am an avoidant woman and childless. I've never experience a functional relationship in my life. I'd go so far to say, that I dont know what love is.
Please tell me you reported him to CPS or whatever agency handles child abuse as you were a mandated a reporter. Please tell me you went to bat for that kid. What a hellish life they had to live with him.
@Jokerkat yeah I did. I didn't get to hear what happened since the mom left the dad and she and the daughter moved away. She was such a funny, sweet kid and it enraged me to no end how he treated her
This is why I get so irritated at people when I explain to them I don't want children and they usually go "YOU WILL" because they don't even consider that some people dont want children because they know they wouldnt be proper parents. I would be a horrible mother, and when I say this I get told how I'd be great as though I don't know myself. They don't consider the life of a child who has parents who never wanted them because they need to push their expectations onto others
Every christmas, my family gets together and my aunt *always* asks when I'm going to add my own child to the family. Every year I've responded some soft form of "oh, I don't want kids" etc and she always gives me that you will bs. This last year I looked her dead in the face and said "I hate children. The idea of being pregnant and walking around like some kind of bio incubator horrifies me. I'm glad you enjoyed having both of your sons and I'm happy to know them as adults, but I. Don't. Want. That." She left me alone the rest of the night and, hopefully, the rest of forever about that shit.
Yes 100 percent. I have always known that I never wanted kids. And while I did some dumb stuff as a teen, I am so happy I never ended up getting pregnant. I was always extremely careful. The thought of being pregnant and going through childbirth always scared the ever loving shit out of me. I’ve had like a legit pregnancy phobia. And yes, I have the awareness to know that I most likely would be one of those parents too. I always got the ‘you will’ comments too, and I still feel the same as I Always have.
I swear the only way to get it into some peoples' heads is to tell them "I would rather kill myself than get pregnant," and if I ever got pregnant (outside of SA) I have no option other than to carry it to term, which would genuinely traumatize me. Giving a kid up for adoption is also horrible because the foster care system is broken and full of predators, and I don't want a child to grow up not knowing who their biological parents are. It's sad because it's not a bluff, I've dealt with suicidal thoughts before and I'd never want to get to a breaking point, because I know how it affects a family, since that's happened within my family before. Roe v Wade being overturned massively ruined my outlook on life, but boy am I glad I don't live in a no-exceptions state.
the majority of people aren't equipped to be good parents
@@SN-pr2xc My parents weren't equipped and had more interest in drinking, which then resulted in abuse for me.
Both violent alcoholics and I got fed up with the lies to cover-up for a mother that tried ending my life with her hands around my throat many times.
Only reason I survived is because she's immensely incompetent at everything in her life.
Haven't seen any family since 2010 aat age 41. Now at 54 I've finally had 12 years of peace.
Mother was diagnosed as bipolar psychopath in 2009 and Xmas that year was the last time she got opportunity to have her hands around my throat.
I've had to punch both parents in the face to get them away from me and stop the abuse.
Mother blamed me for screwing up her life, including events I never had anything to do with because I was years away from being born.
Those people I'm supposed to call family, are already dead to me.
Childfree people are often told they will regret not having kids but I think it's much better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
You're 100% correct! A person who regrets not having kids can volunteer to work with kids, mentor someone, or just be the World's Best Auntie/Uncle to friends'/familys' kids. A person who regrets having kids... well, that's a situation too sad to even contemplate
they’re both terrible. just because you feel like one is worse than the other doesn’t mean people shouldn’t have kids if they’re just not sure. y’all child free weirdos are obsessed with ending family lines
I agree.
I occasionally think about how fun kids for holidays would be.
But that’s just it.
JUST for holidays. Not every day. I like the freedom I have and I only think about myself, Not another human and that’s such a weight off my shoulder.
I agree.
I occasionally think about how fun kids for holidays would be.
But that’s just it.
JUST for holidays. Not every day. I like the freedom I have and I only think about myself, Not another human and that’s such a weight off my shoulder.
Louderr
As a child whose dad never wanted kids, I wanna say something:
The child can tell that you don't love them and that you didn't want them. If you really hate your kids, leave. Leave the family. If you stay, you will end up emotionally [and possibly physically] abusing that kid. Your relationship with your significant other will deteriorate and you will hate yourself and your family. So, your best bet is to leave.
If you can't leave, work towards being able to. You arent going to do any good raising a child that you hate.
agreed but a lot of people, especially women, don't leave because they are dependent on their partner either financially or mentally. My own mother purposely got pregnant by two different men to get a man to take care of her but neither emotionally worked out which led to cycles of her moving out with my half brother only to beg to come back because she has daddy issues and needs a man to put up with her
My brother got messed up by this and went down hill and has lost contact for over 20 years I don't even know if he is still living, I think I made it out "okay" because my dad actually wanted me
Well said
Hell no you choice sex now man up and stay with the mother and raise your kid! Fake it till you make it! That's what a real man do.
Hear hear. My mum was forced to have me, I was basically a rape baby. I didn't know or understand this until I was an adult but oh man in the 20 years that she tried to love me, I could tell that she didn't. I don't blame her or hate her, at least not for that, but oh man, we can tell.
Speaking also as a child of parents who never wanted children, I agree 100,000%.
Not being harsh, but in the the cases where the parent(s) despise their children, they seriously need to look into family lawyers and the laws regarding relinquishing parental rights in their area. Yes “I chose to put my kid up for adoption” is a hard thing to deal with socially, and it can be tricky to do if the kid is older and there isn’t an adult lined up to adopt them, but kids deserve to have a chance at finding parents that genuinely care about them. They don’t deserve to be loved because you’re afraid you’ll look bad
If you only take care of your kid just enough to prevent social/legal backlash, that kid is going to suffer eventually imo
Everyone I know who has considered adoption was more worried about child trafficking than looking bad. It is one thing despising being a parent or even despising a child, it's another thing altogether imagining your child being put into a much worse situation than the one you're trying to protect them from.
@@maebloome this is really valid i know some adoptees and they talk about how awful the system can be i think if you're seriously considering this try and find a close relative a friend anyone you trust instead of immediately putting them in the system
yeah it's one thing to regret having kids and wish you had more freedom that you didn't have but it's another thing to actually despise the kid that you willingly brought into the world and then to blame them for why your life is not fulfilling or happy.
@@abbie_joan there is usually some form of trauma involved with parents who struggle to bond, willing birth or not. And unfortunately we are just as likely to despise a person we love as we are a stranger, in some cases maybe more so if "crimes of passion" are any indication.
Also, giving birth or being blood related to someone is no guarantee that you will like that person and the personality they are born with. It can be difficult when the nature strongly rebels against the nurture, especially from a younger age. We think that we have to like the things we love all of the time, but parenthood challenges those beliefs in a way most are simply not prepared for and find difficult to comprehend.
I agree with the sentiment, but the reality is that kids are in so much danger of abuse and neglect in the system than they would be with a responsible parent, even if that parent fails to bond. I think therapy and a support network are probably the first steps toward making things better, though of course those are out of reach for many too. It's a sad state of affairs in this late capitalist world :(
honestly, i feel like subs like this are important because we should be normalizing discussions about how parenting is a massive undertaking that shouldn't be undertaken lightly. it shouldn't be blindly idealized. i'm still in college, but the expectation that i'll have children "someday" when i "come around" looms over me, even though i've expressed for years that i don't really like kids. i know i don't have the emotional stability to deal with taking care of a fully dependent human being, i'm likely at risk for ppd, and pregnancy is *terrifying*. kids deserve parents who want them.
Very well said
I was just thinking about how I wish this sort of community had existed for my mother's sake when I was a child. Her guilt and shame just turned into resentment and she eventually found reasons to blame me. I was not the child she wanted but if I had just been different she could have loved me and I grew up with that in my head. But after so many years of hating who I was and trying to be the person she wanted I slowly realized it really wasn't me. There was nothing I could do or change and she was always going to feel like she never should have had me. I just wish someone could have told her that she wasn't alone so she could have owned it instead of deciding that if no one else feels this way then it must be my fault in some way.
I have severe bipolar disorder and am a nonbinary AFAB and gay. I do eventually want kids but if my wife ends up wanting them biologically, it'll have to be her and one of her eggs. I don't want to risk giving a child severe mental illness that has, in just two years, forced me to rebuild myself and my life after a four and a half day stay in hospital for a depressive episode that came after something around six to eight months of mania. Ideally, I want to adopt a child, especially one with autism as I have autism too, after I'm married and in my thirties, as I do love kids. But I could never handle pregnancy and just the thought of it happening to me makes me sick. Again, apart from that, I don't want to risk giving a child bipolar, because, while it's not something I'd want removed from me completely, it is something I have to actively work with/take strong medication for. I turn twenty two this year, and have plenty of friends who are just a bit older than me and have multiple kids and are happy/have active social and professional lives. But I know I need to find a stable and supportive girlfriend and then wife before taking on the responsibility of a child. It's not fair to put the potential for a disorder that has, alongside various traumatic events, caused me to hit rock bottom more than once on an innocent child, and it makes me angry every time people say that it's unnatural to not want biological children. But I suppose that's living in the south for you. I'm very lucky to have supportive and loving parents and friends, and they all agree with me on how to handle it. It's just terrifying to think about all of the people who feel they can't/shouldn't either have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, whether that's for their own health or the health of the kid.
As a parent who truly loves my kids, I absolutely encourage people to view having and/or raising children as a huge life changing event that is basically forever. Don't have kids if you aren't sure. And everyone should remember that birth control is incredibly helpful to society.
Agreed. Even though some of this stuff is really bad, people with these thoughts still deserve a place to vent about it.
I'm adopted. My birth parents realized about a year after having my sister that they weren't ready and couldn't raise three kids. My brother was severely disabled (may he rest in peace) and I have ADHD and depression. My sister is fine, though. Without being adopted, which my adoptive parents are white and I'm black, i don't think I'd ever know the love a parent could give their children. When i was younger, I hated that they gave us up. I always knew they did it for us, but i just wanted to be like the kids at school. I wanted to be able to ask my parents about my family. But i couldn't because I was adopted. When at school, my friends wouldn't know that white man was my dad because...well, look at us. Not to mention we'd get weird looks. Like a white man or woman holding a little black girls hand while she calls them mom and dad was a sin.
I'm 21 now and I couldn't be more grateful that they gave us up. That they realized they couldn't raise us in a way children deserved. My adoptive parents have been mom and dad since day one and they're amazing. Probably better than my birth parents. A part of me wants to try and find them, but I've been so happy with my parents that I'm willing to wait. I'm sure my mother and father have even regretted adopting us, but every day I never doubt the love they have for us. For children that aren't genetically yours.
I wish adoption was more normalized, and less of a 'oh you're a terrible person' kind of thing. So many kids in danger or suffering from the lack of parental love can be solved by letting those who realized they messed up, give up their kids to someone who will love them. I know it's not easy...it wasn't easy for my parents, but I'm beyond grateful that they made the hard choice. My birth parents weren't the best. I don't know the whole story but I know it involved drugs and alcohol. I'm so, so happy they realized they had to do what was best for us. I just wish more parents could be like my birth mother and father.
I’m glad your situation turned out well in the end. Adoption should definitely be more normalized
I think the stigma is less now than it was. I put my son up for adoption, and I’ve only had two or three people get weird on me about it. Our situation is a little different, I was seventeen, he was a baby, and we did an open adoption. But yeah, most people seem to agree that I did the right thing.
Love your story
@@haileybalmer9722 I'm Russian, in Russia, adoption system and orphanages (yes, we don't have foster families) are pretty fucked up and adopted children are still highly stigmatized and bullied. Many people believe that orphans should be isolated from "normal society" and families must bear their own children, not to adopt, because "adopted children cannot be controlled and will become drug addicters, criminals or prostitutes". The thing is the most of children in orphanages (we call them "child houses") DO have alive parents but parents gave up them to the government or were forcibly taken away because their parents were abusers, criminals, alcohol/drug addicted or just irresponsible. The government wants to solve these problems but unfortunately, the system just ignores the shit and everyone suffers from this. Idk what is it like in your country but Russians don't have priviledges in adoption system and adoptive parents are pressured everywhere.
In USSR, there were not that many problems, because children from child houses had an opportunity to make their lives better: they could receive a good education, be socialized, adoption system was much more organized and structured. But after USSR collapsed, everything was fucked up and even today, we still have a lot things to manage.
It's insane to me how many idiot couples don't actually seriously consider adoption. They mention it as a passing thought, not to be taken seriously because they wouldn't be 'real' parents because a female in the relationship or a surrogate didn't **** out a baby. The process of being a parent is not having the baby, it's raising it.
Even if you are a rich celebrity power couple, your genetics suck and you are famous because of luck. Nobody is passing any success on to a baby just because of genetics.
Something tells me as sympathetic as some of these stories are, a lot of these people are extremely abusive to their kids whether they realize it or not.
Doubt they’re even saying the full story,or the truth
the mom of the girl with adhd 😐 maybe she’d have better luck making friends w other moms if she stopped referring to a child as a “little shit”
@@teenylittlecat blaming her failing marriage on the poor kid like she didn't admit a few paragraphs ago that the father just wasn't as committed to raising the kid as she thought 😐 hearing her post made me so mad
I can guarantee you these people are pieces of shit. To even write this about your own children is damn disgusting and the people who are sympathetic to them have no idea how narcissist they may potentially be.
Yup. How many adults today grew up as the child in that situation and now have deep-seated issues and trauma? At the end of the day the kid suffers the most despite being completely blameless.
I'm an unwanted child and this video made me cry a lot. Some of the words in these stories mirror things my mother has confessed to me when I was small. She didn't so much make a bad decision, but was manipulated into it then abandoned, similar to the last story. Just throw me being an autistic and difficult child on top of that too.
I grew up watching her in despair, raising a child she never wanted whilst struggling with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I don't remember a single day that she was happy. At one point her depression was so bad she could no longer walk and just laid there. I was 10 then, and I knew it was my fault. If I hadn't been born, my mum would be happy. I can't really explain just how much that kind of knowledge fucks with you as a kid.
I'm honestly really glad this subreddit exists because it's the kind of thing that could save people from going through what she and I did. I think anyone even considering becoming a parent should see it.
I hope she stuck with you. The stories about the father's resentment sticks out to me because at 3, my dad basically said he "Didn't think it would be like this" and walked out, then made a huge stink about custody and visitation to get back at her through me. I was only the vector to make her feel.. however he wanted to. I had to cut off my biological family
I'm sorry your mother got pressured, but at the same time, I'm sure she's glad she got a child out of it that understands her feelings and situation. Even if it wasn't her exact choice I'm sure she loves you.
Don’t worry dude, I want you here ❤️
I'm so sorry, shame on your mom! No child deserves that. Every single child deserves love. Even if she was abandoned, she still took part in brining you into this world. There are tons of women, unfortunately, who are single moms because the dad's walked out. And they STILL are amazing mothers and show their kids the love they deserve. It's no excuse. You're loved beyond measure, I really hope you know that, 🙏✝️
Dude, you didn’t do shit to her. Her happiness is NOT your responsibility. She sounds like a horrible person to do that to you - cut your loss. You’re not her mistake. You’re your own person and your mother should’ve been the better person to deal with it.
I’m so sorry. While your mom deserved a better partner, you deserved a better parent. I hope you are surrounded by love now.
I feel like this is probably a result of the pressure society puts on people to reproduce, even if they don't want to. A lot of thought needs to go into a huge undertaking like having children.
It's usually the opposite lately. We are pressured to stop having kids, especially as white people. Women are pressured to finish college and start having kids only after they're like 30. As a mom of 5, I highly recommend not waiting that long. It's much harder after 30.
100%! It's bizarre to me that such pressure exists. I know there are some people out there who regret not having kids when it's too late, but I can't see that regret being worse than the regret from having kids then realising it was the wrong decision.
@@TheInternetInvestigator , strongest regret is when 1 of your children die, no matter what happened, a parent 😢 💔 always feels responsible and grieves heavily
Choosing to have kids in today's world is madness
It's also gotten much harder to be a parent especially in the states. Both parents have to work and most can't afford childcare and if u can't afford childcare u prolly don't have insurance that is usable
Knowing the rate in which disabled kids are killed by their parents, (especially those with autism), this video is horrifying. Like fellow comments @bri6064 said, these parents who despise their kids need to look into family lawyers and giving their parental rights. The kids deserve to have a family that genuinely care about them, not folks who put up with them.
I'm the grown son (Technically disabled due to EDS but with accommodations it's alright.), of a father who clearly despises me being my own person. I could tell when he started to hate me, started to abuse both me/mother because we weren't constantly under his thumb. That has basically left me on a waiting list for getting diagnosed for CPTSD because of the fact I believe he felt societally pressured by his catholic background to stay around once he got my mother pregnant.
I heavily agree, children shouldn't be tolerated or just put up with. They can tell when they are not loved and nobody should ever have to go through that.
yeah the dad with the daughter who has a speech delay telling her he wishes she was never born is so deeply disturbing to me because issues with speech do not always mean issues with comprehension and there is a chance she knew everything he was saying to her
@@clareshepherd1593 exactly my thoughts. I wouldn’t be surprised if the dad wasn’t actively involved in his daughter’s treatment; what’s so devastating is that sooner or later, the girl will notice (if she hasn’t yet) the hostility hidden in her father’s actions for something she didn’t choose to have. I feel more for the children than the parents tbh :/
Foster system is pretty horrific too right
@Clare Shepherd Yes, my god, that irritated the hell out of me! I took a while to speak and have selective mutism, so when I don't speak, people think I'm not comprehending what they're saying. It's so abelist and disgusting.
As much as it sucks that all these parents regret having kids
I feel way more upset for the kids as being unwanted and unloved especially by someone who should be there for you is a awful feeling for any child to feel.
This!
I taught kids today for the first time and one was taking it out on himself for making mistakes in sewing and it broke me. He kept saying how stupid he was and I had to reinforce that he isn't,I felt so sad that he felt that way and made sure to hi5 him and teach him extra slowly so he could learn more,I can't imagine what he's had said to him (even if not by his parents),if people aren't going to be the best parents they can be they don't deserve kids anyway.kids deserve to be shown love and care,not to take it out on themselves.
yeah. kids need that connection, and they instinctively adapt themselves until they get it. it has a profound and long term neurological impact on a person to not have a real parent/child relationship.
It's a horrible feeling that will never go away. You feel like an orphan for the rest of your life.
I feel pity only for the kids because I'm that unwanted and, sadly, abused kid. I tried to connect with my mother countless times, but failed, in the end, i became the quiet kid who never got out of their room and didn't ask for anything, but still got reminded with mother's actions and words how i ruined her and father's lives. Most of those regretful parents become sadists as the time passes even if they wouldn't admit it. I almost died a few times because she neglected my health. Now she says that my birth is her gift for me and I don't appreciate it enough.
And even when there were moments when she didn't physically abuse me, I always felt her hatred as a kid, it made me so miserable. I tried to get good grades, clean my room and etc just to "deserve" her love".
I'm an adult now, and it's still so hard to be that unwanted and unloved kid, it's an awful feeling.
I think you should be equally empathetic to both the parent and the child. Everybody lies to you about what having a child will be like. Especially to have a child with issues. None of these parents said they act unhappy around the child. Actually they all said they made a considerable effort to not let the child know how stressed out they were.
The woman with the ADHD kid made me feel so ill. I don't know her, but my guess is that the kid knows her mom hates her and this is contributing to her behavior. Also, the kid is six? A lot of the behavior she's upset about is something a lot of six-year-olds do?
6 yr olds don’t bite or throw tantrums like the girl in the ADHD story does
Tantrums are usually grown out of by the age of 4-5. A 6 year old usually learns how to control themselves. Autism, ADHD and ADD can delay this development.
@@BuckBlaziken Yeah and it probably did, but I mean, she was able to put up with tantrums for five years, but not the extra one or two because of her ADHD? I mean ADHD and misbehaving isn't even the hardest thing parents can deal with
“The six year old who bites and is obnoxious and is obsessed with attention” is all fucking six year olds. Horrible witch
yeah, so many of these kinds of stories baffle me because the things they complain about are like "kids are too noisy! kids are too messy! kids are too annoying!" like...yeah? that's just how pretty much all kids are?? did you expect it'd just be like taking care of a doll or something? i try to be sympathetic but at a certain point i really do just wonder what the hell they expected bc it seems like they just want a doll they can pick up and put down when it suits them. also with this one in particular it feels really ableist because she's acting like the adhd is just "being a brat" or "being a little shit," as someone w autism who was constantly treated like an awful brat as a kid when i didn't want to be that way, it's so frustrating.
This is absolutely terrifying. I'm 21 female, and my whole family is pushing me to get married and have children. I come from a culture where majority of people get married and have at least one child by the age of 25. I don't want kids, and I doubt I will ever change my mind, but my family members keep saying "you'll change your mind", "it's different when it's yours", "you'll regret it when you're older" and the scariest thing is that they almost convinced me. I know I would be a terrible mother, I'm lazy, I like spending money on me, I like playing video games all night long, I love spending time alone and I would never in a million years sacrifice it for a child.
My parents told me the same but i know i would end up on this subreddit
DON’T do it!! I’m a mom of three. All I did with my life is raise kids. I’m 44 and want my 20s back! Don’t do it!
@@sheilagorney5909
what did you want to do in your 20s that you can't do now?
its a matter of would you rather satisfy your family and devote a huge amount of time stress and money to a child that you didnt exactly want or would you rather continue to be pressured to have kids and worst case scenario get villianised by your family
You know what you want, stick to that unless you become 100% sure that you want them. You can find that love that they describe you missing out on in nieces and nephews or your friends children. And definitely don’t have one until you’re at least 29+
And this is why reproductive rights are so important. Forcing people to have children when they don't want to isn't fair on anybody.
Keeping legs closed does a good job.
@@sergpie What a groundbreaking revelation - everything is women's fault. If only we'd all just stop getting raped, stealthed or let down by failed birth control.
By "reproductive rights," you don't actually mean reproductive rights. You just mean abortion.
I don't mind abortion but your argument is silly. People should think of this before having unprotected sex or they can be abstinent. Nobody is being forced to have these kids. They're CHOOSING to have casual, and many times unprotected, sex. There are consequences. Abortion should be a last resort, IMO.
@@loubloom1941 You're entitled to your views and opinions but they should have no impact on my body, just as mine have no relevance to yours.
@@loubloom1941 Also, respectfully, shouldn't bringing an unwanted child into the world be the last resort, not abortion? Surely this video proves that forcing unwanted pregnancies only leads to unwanted and resented children. Nobody wins.
This is why people need to respect the decision to be childfree and not say things like “it’s different when it’s your own.” No it’s not.
It’s “different” alright 😂😂😂 it sucks because you’re stuck with them and your decline in a healthy mental and physical health 😂
I've heard this from both people who have kids (and do love them) but don't like other people's kids, and people who don't like kids but want kids of their own anyway.
I do want kids, but it's a horrible thing to hear because What? That is never a risk I could take. If I didn't like other people's kids, I would never for a second consider having kids of my own, because I'd be terrified that it wouldn't "be different" when they're "my kids"
No one is forcing anyone to have children.
@@TheKnoxvicious I live in America, where they are.
Empty egg carton
The mom talking about her kid with ADHD and how much she despises her hurts me so much. I have ADHD and thinking about how much self hatred I would have if she was my mom is astronomical. She explains so much about how other people view her parenting rather than how her kid is feeling and being. I can tell you from experience, that kid is struggling too, and can almost 100% feel the hatred from her mother, no matter how much the mom may try to hide it. The amount of guilt, shame and hatred the kid will feel towards herself is huge. My heart hurts for the daughter and hurts thinking about if my mom were like that towards me
Yeap same, the mom honestly sounds awful, she thinks her kid can't feel her hatred but she can, she envisioned a future with a perfect neurotypical child and now is pissed that she didn't get it, feel so sorry for the daughter
It just dawned on me how preoccupied she was with how other people would percieve her instead of being worried about her daughter's needs, disturbing
@@glitteryfaery Ableism is so ingrained into society. If someone doesn't want a neurodivergent kid, they shouldn't have kids, period
I have ADHD and personally I'm on the moms side. She's right. Children with ADHD that extreme are an absolute nightmare. The mom has to consider how her daughter feels 99.9% of the time. The only place she can vent about herself is that subreddit. That mother NEVER gets to consider herself, ever. She's allowed to vent about herself in one fucking post. I was a little shit as a kid too and I feel bad for the stuff I put my mom through. That doesn't mean I have to hate myself either. Two things can exist at the same time. Considering the mom has tried every possible solution to make the child's behavior better, what do you think she's supposed to do? She can't just spontaneously love her kid. Most kids with disabilities don't get anywhere near the help that that child is getting. The mom is literally in debt trying to get that kid help. What more do you want to happen?
@@eskykitty Yeah, but one cannot stress it enough, that child didn't ask to be born, to have ADHD or a mom who doesn't want her and would get rid of her with a thanos snap if she could. At that point, these parents are talking about their kids like their pets and not living beings.
This subreddit is a perfect example as of why people trying to 'convince' child-free people to have kids need to stop, and face the reality that not everyone is meant to be a parent.
It's an example of people hating disabled children. If the children were normal I doubt they would hate them so much
@@malloryknox6802 sadly....
The fact that that father told his child that he doesn’t want to be a dad and wished that she never was born. has to be one of the most disgusting and abusive things that I have ever heard in my life. It’s one thing to feel that way, but another to verbalize it, especially to your child who can do absolutely nothing about it. This video made me so grateful to have been raised by people who actually loved me and wanted me to exist in this world. I pray that any future parent does a great deal of soul-searching before making the decision to have children
im sure the 2 year old doesnt understand him💀
@@ok..7616 doesn't make it any less abusive. and if the dad feels so strongly he tells a 2 year old child this, he is never going to change his mind. the kid will pick up on that and carry that for the rest of her life
@@ok..7616if he was so pissed at a 2yo that he'd say this to her, do you really think he won't keep saying this once she's older and can actually understand him? Dumbass 💀
@@ok..7616Why are you sure? Not being able to speak doesn't mean not being able to understand.
One of my employees is this wonderful older lady, late 60's and basically my stores grandma. Like she literally bakes any delicious treat you can imagine regularly. Over the years she's told me how as much as she loves her children she often wonders how life would've been had she not had them. We've talked about it quite a few times and she's even mentioned regretting it. It's almost a bit sad watching the look in her face as she talked about what could've been had she not had them, and how she had so many plans that had to halt.
I'm 35 and have hears many parents say similar things. They talk about what they did when they were younger, how Friday night was "drink your own weight" night, foreign holidays whenever they wanted, all sorts.
"BuT ThAt WaS BeFoRe wE hAd ChiLdReN"
You do not ever say that in front of your children. The older ones will resent you for it, the younger ones will be scarred and develop trust issues.
Their children didn't ask to be born and the parents really should have put ore thought into it. All the parents I know of my age are run ragged, can't do a single damned thing for themselves, it's all kids kids kids. Kid-friendly activities, kid-friendly holidays, up early every morning, no spare time at the weekends.
I have been a natural "mother hen" since birth. I love caring for others and helping whenever I can. I also come from an area/family where it's expected to get married and have many children ASAP. So much so that teen pregnancy is seen as a blessing. (Not a religious/fundie thing, just a place that has not evolved with the rest of the world) I chose to work in child care full time directly out of high school and it was a huge eye opener. Kids are amazing. Watching them learn and grow and knowing you helped mold them into the person they will become is an incredible feeling. Their innocence is hands down the most beautiful thing you will ever see or experience. I especially loved caring for the ones with special needs. There's no way to explain it, they are just on an entirely different level of incredible. I also learned how difficult, emotionally taxing, time consuming and costly children are. Not can be. Are. It does not matter what age, kids will consume your life. I am 37, childfree and plan to stay childfree. I learned very fast that I will never be able to handle having my own children mentally/emotionally. Kids need strong parents and I cannot imagine the hurt, anger and hate that comes from having parent/s that are not stable enough to be guardians. And to know that you, the parent, are the reason for those horrible emotions... I'd feel so shitty for ruining my life, my partners life and the life of my hypothetical child. If you have even the tiniest doubt about being a parent then don't, or at the least wait and truly make sure that is something you are prepared for. I empathize with your co-worker 1000% as well as the parents from this subreddit. Being an unprepared parent is a horrible situation for everyone involved and not worth it.
@@halfbakedproductions7887 What I want us to do as a society is to move away from thinking that parenthood will ever be easy in the current infrastructure we have built. If we keep going the way we are, no one will want to procreate and out society will collapse. (Although, considering how much humanity has fucked over the planet and continues to be absolutely cruel, maybe that's a good thing.) My point is that, I don't think the solution is for none of us to have kids. For people that do want to have children, it shouldn't upend their lives like this. A lot of regretful parenting is because there's no economic infrastructure or emotional support for parents. Childcare cost an arm-and-a-leg and this builds resentment. I think once we change the capitalist mindset that runs our economies and societies, parents can focus on actually being there for their kids emotionally and keeping their own identities. And we shouldn't force anyone who truly doesn't want kids to be a parent because that's cruel.
@@steff6146 nobody here ever said that "no one should have kids"
@@halfbakedproductions7887 this annoys me to no end. My best friend as a teen was born when her mum was 15. Her mum eventually married someone else and her third sibling was born when my friend was 18/19 (they're each 6 years apart). Her parents immediately started demanding that she give up her job so she could be his nanny because it "wasn't fair" that they didn't get to do anything that they wanted to do in their 30s (on top of having spent their 20s raising kids too). But they chose to have this kid, knowing that they were signing up for an additional 18+ years of child rearing. And then started guilting my friend for not dropping everything to help raise her little brother
What's really sad is that these kids will all FOR SURE pick up on the fact that their parents resent them so much. It's going to mess those kids up forever. The kids can always tell.
yep there's a video on here from a French study showing infants who were emotionally neglected vs loved and their behavior was night and day
Every parent has made their kids feel like this many times in their life. I think they'll be OK. I just don't think shaming the parents for venting -on a page specifically for that is necessary.
@@hcope28 Nah bro, never have my parents made me feel unloved. They punished me when I misbehaved and even had moments of near mental collapse, yet never did I not feel their love for my sister and me. Kids can always tell and will always be affected by their parents emotions.
And these disgusting parents want us to feel sorry for THEM.
@@hcope28 Parent shaming needs to be encouraged, judging by the state of things. Everyone enables parents and encourages it. Shame is a powerful motivator for change.
hearing parents blaming their children for their divorce is so disgusting as a child of divorce
Ikr? Why didn't you use contraception? It's your fault!
It’s their own fault not yours or any kids. Remember their decisions led them to that and they unfortunately dragged another person who is helpless into that environment. I’m sorry for you and all these kids, infuriated actually:(
People who have children.
I mean it might sound ridiculous but to say the added stress of a kid doesn't have the ability to break people would just be a lie . It is what it is. Sadly
frr
Wow, it's vile to tell your child that you wish they were never born. Then he says "I'll never stop being your dad, though." As if it makes it better.
I know right. This poor child deserves a happy life...
That was so creepy! I understand he needed to voice his feelings. I don't understand why he felt he had to voice his feelings to his daughter. It's not her fault. Yea it sucks he grew up in a church that brainwashed him into marrying and breeding. But life isn't always fair and sometimes you got to suck it up and get on with it. This guy and a lot of the posters sound so focused on their own self pity they lose site these kids didn't ask to be born. No one truly knows how hard it's going to be, but that's not on the child.
You watch videos like this, and others about some of the worst experiences a human being can ever go through, for the sake of your own morbid entertainment. Yet, someone telling the truth of how they feel to their 2 year old who has no concept of language nor the ability to ever remember what was said, that's creepy? You must often find yourself feeling superior to all of those stories you hear as you slurp down your slop for lunch. People like you are the real creeps. @@legoqueen2445
@@legoqueen2445imagine hearing someone's darkest and awful feelings that they themselves don't even want to have over such an issue, and your whole response is "well.. that's just life!!! Life is just unfair deal with it" Like... Lmao, you're so ignorant and condescending, with absolutely 0 empathy nor wisdom. It's unhelpful, vile, annoying, and worst above all a total waste of energy to even say. I bet you're really helpful at funerals.
@Gamebadmegreat9770 Usually I can let internet comments go but you're personal attack really angered me. You said I'm ignorant and condescending, so I thought I'd give you some context on how I became a parent. I was 26, my personal life was a mess as I had mental health issues after several trauma experiences from childhood into early adulthood, and I used drugs to self medicate as a way of coping. I met a man who swept me off my feet with promises of romance, a future together and marriage. We were intimate and a few weeks later I found out he was married. Two weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. Was that a fair situation? Definitely not. Did he stick around to help raise our son? Of course not. Did I sit around feeling sorry for myself, blaming my son for being born? No way! I stopped using drugs the day I found out I was pregnant and later, after I had my son, I got help for my trauma issues and medication to help stabilze me from the life long depression I had struggled with. So when I say life isn't always fair, I'm not talking out of ignorance, I know first hand how unfair life can be. As for condescending, what part of my original post is condescening? Is it condescending to tell a grown man who got married and made a child with his wife to stop feeling sorry for himself and get on with raising his disabled child? That's called taking responsibility and being a parent. I acknowledged it sucked he grew up Mormon and that it sucked he no longer believes in the church that taught him marriage and family is the only thing to aspire to in life, but that not his disabled child's fault. I even said I understood he needed to vent his feelings- just that it's not appropriate to shout those feelings over his daughter. Where am I being condescending? Why is it such an affront to you that in this situation, as unfair as his circumstances are, he needs to get on with the job of raising his child, because the bigger injustice in this situation is there's a two year old with a father with his head so far up his own ass he thinks yelling at his daughter and telling her 'I wish you'd never been born' is somehow appropriate. As for my supposed lack of wisdom and compassion, after returning to university and completing my first university degree, I eventually got a job based on my life experiences with mental health issues (my drug addiction history was also relevant), I worked in a psychiatric ward for 4 years as a Peer Support Worker specifically because my personal struggles and compassion for those going through similar difficulties enabled me to journey with people going through hard times. If I went into detail over the things I've been through as a kid and young adult, you'd see nothing about my life has ever been fair. But I've pushed myself to get on with it so I could raise my son (on my own) and where possible help those who have gone through similar things that I have experienced. What are you doing with your life mate? You don't know me from a bar of soap yet chose to vomit up harsh, cruel words and judge me as a callous, hard hearted monster because I called out a grown man who verbally abused his two year old, disabled daughter and blames her existence for his life choices. I don't make any claims on wisdom but maybe you can use a little wisdom and stfu before judging and personally attacking strangers online. As much as you thought my original posts wasn't worth anything, 94 other people felt it held some merit. Maybe you should look at yourself and your own conduct before judging me.
*just wanted to add- you said 'awful feelings that they themselves don't even want to have over such an issue', I agree with you on that in relation to that guy. It was obvious from what he shared that he felt terrible about not 'loving' his baby and not enjoying fatherhood. My comments were specific to his situation and his attitude, and as harsh as it sounds, life isn't always fair but once you've brought a kid into this world, it's not about you anymore, you need to get on with it and take care of the kid. Him yelling all his emotional frustrations at the kid is a form of abuse, even if the kid doesn't understand it. But if I recall correctly he also says he'll be talking to his therapist about it, so at least he's getting help.
As a disabled person myself some of these are breaking my heart. If you can’t love your child when it’s disabled, you don’t deserve to have a child at all.
You said it all
not true.
@@cheesecake4648 it's true.
People only tend to "love" something or someone that has a use for them the disabled rarely are able to provide such a thing, hence the distain.
It is unfair and cruel to bring a disabled child into this ugly world. And I’m disabled as well.
I’d say a solid 50% of women have children with an unsupportive partners. I was shocked by the things I read in online mom groups. Raising a child can be hard, but many are also burdened with raising their partner too.
prolly more than 50 tbh
(Wall of text sorry) I will say you’re right about that, 100%. The story of the ADHD 6 year old resonated so much with me because I have a 4 year old who’s that kid. She’s great like 75% of the time, but I can’t take her out to eat or to movies or museums because she has tantrums if she gets tired or gets upset or someone looks at her funny when they walk by. She hits her 16 year old sister for no reason. She’ll lay down in the floor and scream bloody murder if told no. My in laws live 10 minutes away and refuse to even watch her for a few hours so my husband and I can go see a movie together or get any type of alone time, because she’s “too hard to watch.” And her dad, lovely and amazing human that he is, is also about 4 years old maturity wise. He argues with her about *everything*. He will not give her even the smallest victory and will intentionally cause her to meltdown and I’m the one who gets to navigate the mess and fix it. He’s also soooo selfish. I had *no idea* how selfish this man was until we had this child. I’m just hoping we can get through her childhood with our marriage intact, at this point. The only thing we argue about is the kid and I’m like “but couldn’t you try not yelling or…” but he just doesn’t get it because he’s the same maturity level as she is and I’m so damned frustrated with it. I wish we had never had this kid, not because I don’t like her. I love my kid even when she’s an asshole. (I’m an asshole too, it’s cool) I wish we hadn’t had her because everything else in my family life went to shit after she was born, and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to make it better, because I’ve tried.
Sadly, women don't know their own worth and end up settling for losers.
@@tiffanysjustcoloring what the fuck. I'm so sorry your partner is like that.
@Tiffany Alexander Studio respectfully, I’m not so sure your husband is all that great. It seems like having your daughter didn’t cause everything else in your family to get worse, it just exposed a very nasty side your husband already had that you didn’t know about. I can’t imagine causing a 4 year old child with a learning disability to melt down on purpose, yell at her, argue with her, and then force someone else to clean up afterwards. I’m just an internet stranger, obviously, so I don’t know him, but if this was the way my husband behaved we wouldn’t be married for much longer.
This one kicked me in the heart. Always treated like a burden and told to just "go outside" whenever I was awake. At 17 I finally broke and said I didn't ask to be here and I hate life. Moved out and to another State. Started to get better then
I’m glad you’re doing better! You deserve better and I hope you continue to see nicer days
@lulusmith780 thank you for your kind words, truly. I hope the best for you also
you deserved better and i hope you surround yourself with people who make you feel wanted, because you most definitely are. sending you love through your journey! ❤️
could you explain the lore, this seems popcorn worthy (not to be insensitive)
imo this is probably due to the high social stigma of putting a kid up for adoption, or not loving a kid "correctly". Children and parents could be happier if adoption/ adopted kids weren't seen in a negative light
except the foster system is practically broken most of those kids are never going to be adopted and are going to have life long traumas.
as an adopted kid, yes, a thousand times yes. My parents are incredible and they went through piles of paperwork to get me. Definitely a lot more work than the traditional method
@@bjorkirl adoption doesn’t require fostering friend. Yes, the foster system is entirely broken and my heart breaks for aging children stuck in it. But where was that ever mentioned?
Adoption is traumatic in itself, coming from an adoptee and adoptee rights advocate.
To be fair, adoption has a stigma because a lot of foster and adoptive parents are abusers. I understand a parent who doesnt want their kids, choosing to not put them up for adoption. At least if you dont, there should be a 100% chance they wont be s*xually abused in foster care.
tbh i do feel compassion for those who were forced to have children or coerced, but zero at all for those who decided to have children for funsies without thinking deep and hard about it. i feel sorry for the kids, specially the ones with disabilities. they deserved so much better
thats one of the reasons why im very supportive of childfree people bc congrats for knowing youself and not wanting to bring a person into this world just to harm them.
These are my sentiments exactly.
people should understand that having kids isnt always "aww my pretty baby angel" and they'll have multiple more tasks to do for their kids
I wish that socially it was okay for parents to talk about the parts of parenthood they hate. Like I've read so many stories from women who hated being pregnant and had no idea how awful it could be, because talking about it makes you a "bad mom", and maybe having a non-judgmental support system would make all the difference. I think having a community like this is super important tbh but I do worry about it feeding into the problems more than offering support. Idk, it's just so sad all around
I wish it was socially acceptable for parents to speak about these issues as well. It is sad all around but parents deserve a platform to discuss their feelings. Therapy is the best resource though.
lol THERAPY. Stop talking crap about your child online. Get. Over. Yourself.
Whenever a family member asks me when I'm giving them grandchildren, I turn to my bf and loudly ask "HEY BABE, MA WANTS TO KNOW WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CAME IN ME?"
They don't ask me anymore. Especially not when we're out in public 😁
💀
Honestly, this worked for me too. "When are you gonna have a baby?"
"Why are you so interested in how often [boyfriend] fucks me?"
They all gasp and tell me I'm disgusting but after I quickly point out that's what they're asking of me, it wraps up nicely. (One time I answered that I preferred to swallow, lmfao)
@@litleangelbrook
Damn, go off lmao
I always love shutting people up with a really harsh honest reply.
I remember this one but phrased in another way.
Still, it is quite funny that when it comes to parenthood they do not like to discuss the act and the planning because its taboo
I think it's easy to indict these parents and I'm not saying they're blameless because they're not, but the societal pressure to have children, unplanned pregnancies especially in places without abortion rights, and unpredictable partners are all outside their control. I hope their kids never find out how their parents feel/felt about them. There's just no winners here.
Boohoo give them up for adoption then
@@bruh-bh3kk hilariously bad take!
100%. It's a devastating subreddit to browse, I really feel for everyone involved
cuhRINGE take
@meeks don't care didn't ask drink antifreeze
As a disabled person, I have to play a sad song on the world's smallest violin for parents who resent their disabled children. You chose to be a parent - you don't get to pick and choose the child's ability status. Disabled children are among the most heavily abused populations in the world, and they deserve so much better.
Exactly. It really is sad, that many, if not most grown adults still don’t understand that actions have consequences. And they don’t stop and think before making decisions.
I remember learning about a skeletal remains of a young woman unearthed around Yemen. Her legs had been deformed since birth, and interestingly, she had really bad teeth. Given her age and poor dental health, archeologists surmise she was well taken care of and spoiled with sweets, like dates, pomegranates, and other sugary fruits.
Even far back in human history, when the world was cruel, and we like to think a coughing baby was thrown over a cliff. There were many who loved and cared for their own
I think this is the subreddit that solidified the fact that I never want children. I can see myself becoming one of these parents, and I never want that to happen. For both the kids sake and my own.
The regret of not having kids > having kids and regretting it.
At least if you regret not having kids, there’s no child who will suffer because their parent resents them.
You could possibly adopt. It most likely won't be the same but you'll be giving a child a home to be loved in.
@@makemesomecoffee7821 I still don’t want them. I’d hate taking care of a child regardless of where they came from. I just feel disgust and pity when I look at a kid.
@@Layla-gh5ij And that's OK. I think people recognizing that they probably wouldn't be the best to take care of a child is quite commendable in my eyes. It's better than stringing an innocent child along.
my favorite thing is how uncomfortable people get when i tell them i don't want kids, they tell me I'll change my mind, and i get to tell them i can't have kids biologically. i make sure to look and sound really hurt and sad when i say it, even though i truly have never wanted kids. they get so awkward and flustered it's so funny 😂
Damn I gotta try this. 😂
"I can't bear children".
Wait for them to figure out that has more than one meaning.
"damn have fun in the nursing home, ttyl"
The creativity around a serious situation is such a nice touch🤌🏻
I have a multifaceted relationship with this subject, as an autistic, child free by choice, abuse survivor. I'll say up front, if you have major regrets about having children and think it is changing you for the worse, you need to seek adoption/fostering for your baby/child. Even better if it's to someone you know and trust and close enough by that you can still spend time with the child if you're so inclined.
Nothing hurts a child quite like knowing their parent hates them, even if said parent is silent on the matter. I cringed when the father said he told his daughter that he regrets having her in "bigger words" so she wouldn't understand it, but that he thinks she knew it wasn't something very nice by his energy. Fucking yikes. My mother told me she was going to go to school to become a lawyer if she didn't have me, and when I cried because I understood that meant she regretted having me? She coldly told me to stop crying.
I understand that society traps you in this idea of sunshine and rainbows when it comes to parenthood, they don't properly tell you how hard it is... well we're hearing a lot about it NOW. But you need to take responsibility, do what's best. If you can no longer emotionally care for your children, find someone who can
To answer the "should a man be held responsible for a child he didn't consent to" debate; no. He should have some hard discussions with his girlfriend, say... frankly, at this point, I love you like I'd love a sister and I don't want any more children hard stop.
It's made easier if he doesn't want contact with his daughter later on in life either. He could have his parental rights signed away and he could leave
I feel sympathy for those who didn't consent to having children most of all. It's the people who planned children and resent them once they're here I have more of an issue with
I also feel complex about this situation. I have ADHD + autism and my dad's physically disabled so my mum is legally his carer. That in itself isn't the issue, it's that he's also extremely immature and he's a piece of shit to put it lightly. I've never met an adult so immature. Constantly picking fights with his autistic child cause he thought it was funny how angry I'd get and always needing to be the centre of attention. Nobody's problems were ever allowed to be worse than his. I can't count how many events or nice things he's ruined. So basically my mum has had to take care of 4 kids instead of having a husband to help take care of 3 kids.
While I quite like being alive, I feel so bad for my mum in particular that things went this way. She didn't even plan on living in this country but she got pregnant with my brother and got stuck here with our dad. She doesn't even have hobbies and she's never going to be able to be her own person until he dies. But she's expected to somehow *enjoy* being stuck like this? She always feels so guilty when she complains about him but I want her to know that it doesn't make her a bad person for being so fatigued. At the same time, I can't help but feel some resentment about them never getting divorced when they clearly don't like eachother (I know divorce isn't as easy as that, but it's still a feeling I have) and instead deciding to subject us to an entire childhood of having to walk eggshells around parents who are constantly arguing and a dad who will bully you for no reason. Maybe I wouldn't be needing so much therapy if I hadn't grown up feeling unsafe in my own home. I was clearly an accidental baby (youngest of 3 born significantly later than my siblings) and he still tells me shit like how he got sterilised because I was apparently such a horrible child. I know my mum loves us but I also know she mourns a life she could have had. She regrets not being able to have a career or hobbies. Even I mourn that for her, she deserves so much better than what she has. I can see how it's left an impact on her and her behaviours, and it's sad to think about how easily things could be different.
And then everyone seems to wonder why I want to move out so bad.
So send them to get abused in the foster system which has an incredibly high rate of abuse compared to ppls families of origin
I have a hard time when folks just declare “adoption/foster care!” As if there is a 100% guarantee you won’t actually worsen the child’s quality of life sending them there. We unfortunately know that foster children face high rates of abuse, especially s*xual. I have close friends who were foster children and now need intensive therapy to recover from their childhoods in foster care.
@@steff6146that’s the big issue with these situations because adoption is often a bad option for the child just like staying with parents who don’t want them is bad for them. the only moral way to deal with an unwanted child other than having a family member want to adopt them which is often not an option is to not get to that point in the first place. there are genuinely people who use all the precautions possible to prevent having a child however it seems that most cases are people being careless. this is why i strongly stand behind schools reaching sex ed when more conservative people think we should get rid of it. we need to deal with this issue before it occurs bc it doesn’t end well for an innocent child who didn’t ask to be here. there will always be teens and young adults who want to have sex despite being taught not to so it’s best to provide the knowledge to avoid pregnancy rather than for the topic of sex to be completely forbidden. i also think that more people need to be taught about the trauma that foster and adopted children face bc too many people only see the “good side” of it which isn’t as common unfortunately. there is a huge lack of knowledge in the topic of pregnancy as a whole as well as unwanted pregnancies, abortions, contraceptives and adoption.
Telling your little kid that you hate them and wish they were never born is a certified reddit moment.
And he had the nerve to paint himself as a victim to what a pos
I was searching for this comment.
Why would you traumatize a child by saying that? She literally has no fault in you being indoctrinated in a religion that pressured you into having children.
I hope their kid goes no contact and he is one of those lonely people in a retirement home.
Then they want you to feel bad for them. YOU chose to abuse your kid. YOU chose to ruin them. They took no part in whatever happened to you. I do not feel bad for you, I feel bad for your kids
So your telling me when you neglect your kid/baby and want to kill it, it acts out like every kid/baby does? Shocker🤯
💀💀💀
Too many people should not be parents because some of us are just not fit for it. Abortion needs to be avalible for everyone, adoption too. I will be 35 in March & have decided to never have children. Never. Just the thought of going through pregnancy scares me beyond words. Having another living creature growing inside of me beyond my control, moving around while I'm trying to sleep & then having to deal with the trauma of going through surgery to finally have it taken out would kill me. I literally would rather die than become pregnant. I don't need a baby to validate my existance or to be happy and neither do you, my friends. I have a kitty, Sophie, & she is all I need. She is my whole world & I'm thankful for her.
i would love to have a baby but i know i will probably never be a mother by choice because i can barely take care of myself, let alone a whole other human. also the concept of teaching someone how to go to the bathroom blows my mind
So happy to find another person who feels the same way I do. I’m 32 and similarly have never wanted a child and the thought of being pregnant is probably the scariest most disgusting thing I can think of for myself. I have nothing against kids and people who want them, but I’ll pass, thanks.
Honestly, we need to really be stressing the fact that the world doesn't even have the carrying capacity for every human to be a parent right now. Maybe hundreds of thousands of years ago it did. Leave the parenting to people who want it beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's ok that not every person will be able or willing to replace themselves.
I work with disabled and vulnerable adults and youth and it breaks my heart to see what being unwanted can do to someone's psyche.
I don't judge or dislike people for not wanting kids, but I reserve my right to not think very kindly of people who thought it would be like owning a pet hamster, like they really think that they wouldn't be dedicating the rest of their lives to their children? They thought that an infant child would be a few hiccups here and there? Have they never babysat before? I just don't get how you couldnt spend at least 5 or 10 years of your life planning and seriously considering it, and taking classes or joining support groups or watching a friend's kids to get a feel for it before making the biggest decision of not only your life, but your child's life. Literally.
Now for the woman who was manipulated et cetera... To me that reflects how crappy our mental and physical health care system is, and how little support there is for domestic @buse cases. She probably didn't know she could ask for help out of that relationship... Probably didn't even know the resources in her own neighborhood. Probably made to feel guilty for thinking about abortion or giving the child up for adoption.
@@MermaidMakes I was an accident. My parents didn't love each other and were married because Daddy wanted to be responsible. They only lasted 5 years. Every single day, I think about him screaming in my face when I was 5 about how Mommy left & ruined everything. This year will be the 30th anniversary of the divorce & he still hates her. Everyone has moved on, but him. Breaks my heart that he can't let it go. Dad is only hurting himself.
Thankfully, ‘kid-free’ has gained acceptance in the past 30 yrs or so, when i 1st recognized it as MY path. Of course i caught all the usual bs: “you’ll change your mind,” “but i want grandkids (i’m an only child),” etc.. & now, a much smaller % of ppl jump to the conclusion that i’m “barren (wtf!?);” i’m withOUT due to some tragic condition. LOL 🙄
FYI I do not live some grand fantasy. I do not travel the globe, hobnobbing with the rich & famous. I don’t have a fantastic career; i’m not well-off. Hell, i don’t even have a toned, tanned, baby weight & stretchmark- free body!! (damnit). I wasn’t ’forced to choose’ or anything dramatic like that.
I lead a very simple existence. But damn near every day, for whatever reason, i’m reminded how happy i am for the choice i made, & how worthwhile the precautions were. Even as i look into the angelic face of my beautiful, perfect goddaughter, i have never felt one ounce of regret!
There is NOTHING “selfish” about knowing what is right for U, living your own life, &/or finding meaning in this world beyond plopping another person onto it.
& meanwhile?.. To be able to read a book in peace, go back to bed when you’re sick.. or pour all your ❤ into litters of feral kittens like i do lol.. That sh!# is PRICELESS!!
The fact that some people don’t even think about potentially having a child with disabilities is mind blowing. Aside from my exposure to kids as a pre school teacher (it really solidified my opinion on having kids) the primary reason I realized I didn’t want kids is BECAUSE I knew I wouldn’t be able to care for a disabled child. People who don’t think they could have a disabled child are selfish imo
i could take care of a disabled child, one with missing limbs, unable to speak but it's the intellectual disabilities i couldn't
They are more stupid rather than selfish i'd say, in cases when the possibily of their kid being born disabled or retarded doesn't even cross their mind. Not wanting to be burdened with a child like is completely understandable tho
I mean when you go to drive to the store, do you think “but what if I get in a crash?” and walk instead?
@@sekiro_the_one-armed_wolf As an anxious person yeah lol. I wish I lived in a walkable city.
@@sekiro_the_one-armed_wolfno, but I also am not surprised Pikachu shocked when I do broski. Also, people need to drive their cars. You don't *need* to have a child.
Me and my little brother have ADHD and learning disabilities and I know for a fact (because she told us) that our mother regrets having us. I sympathize with these parents (and my own) because no doubt it is difficult to raise special needs children, but growing up in a household that doesn't accommodate/support or even like you means that the child gets the worse end of the stick. I am furious at people who want to have a child but do not prepare themselves for that baby becoming anything other than a perfect, able bodied, mentally healthy, behaviorally sound, socially skilled, straight, and cis human being. My mother once warned me against having kids; "it is much harder than you think" but I don't think it is easy at all. My brother and I aren't even that bad. We were empathetic kids who got along with others okay but we had serious troubles in school and my my parents could not handle it. I can't imagine what childhood would have been like if one of us was born non-verbal or with an intellectual disability.
Almost the same for me here, though i have been going for a long part of my life undiagnosed, only last year did i get my GAD diagnosis. But anytime i display any sign of neurodivergence, my mom or my dad tell me that "my brother is copying from me" or viceversa. It's tiring, specially cuz sometimes they get angry at stuff neither of us understand why they're angry for. Neither of my parents say that they regret having us, but i'm sure as hell they regret having a nd transmasc anxious older child and a nd hyperactive younger one, specially in comparison to our middle sibling who's neurotypical. the comparisons are unavoidable at this point, and every therapist ive told this just tries to rationalize it but i can't seem to get it out of my head. I wish they didn't regret us
Yes honestly I think that if you aren’t prepared for the fact you might have a disabled child you probably shouldn’t have children at all. bc even if they are born fine, or prenatal checkups are clear, they can become disabled at any point for a million different reasons, and like I said, even if ultrasounds and other prenatal procedures are fine there are a whole lot of disorders that can’t be detected before they are born
every child deserves parents but not all parents deserve children.
Amen.
the only time i agree with that statement
It all depends.
@@doggoandyeet1608 frfrfr
I feel like in a lot of these cases, there’s a deeper underlying issue. In my line of work I talk to a lot of people about very personal aspects of their life; some people ALWAYS need to have a scapegoat for their feelings of dissatisfaction with themself. Before kids, it was work. Before work, it was college. Before college, it was their parents. Especially the cases where people start to project their resentment onto their partners as well. The same personality type will buy a new car, a new house, get a younger partner, switch careers, move to a new city, then a new state, maybe collect degrees, maybe collect classic cars or something similar… It’s all to fill the void of self-acceptance that they never really worked to fix. I’m not saying g this applies to everyone who doesn’t want kids, but I feel like a decent handful of the people who post on subs like this are stuck in the habit of blaming external factors for their uncomfortable emotions.
i was thinking the same thing.
I think this is the truth for a lot of them. It's very easy to think to yourself "I would have went to college and become a top lawyer" if they did not get kids (saw someone comment their mom told them that) but it is hard to admit to yourself you just didn't go for it hard enough . I went through law school and a lot of my womenly "colleagues" chose that period to get pregnant because of the flexible schedule compared to a lawyers/jurist schedule - they all handled it fine btw.
My mom definitely resented me and was very neglectful though my entire childhood. It only got worse when I was a teenager, arguably when i needed her the most. I wish people would stop lying about how "amazing" parenthood is - there are a lot or people who just shouldn't be parents.
Such an awful situation for everyone involved. Parents have less support now than at any other time in human history-many don’t have extended family nearby to assist with childcare, and it’s impossible for most families to survive off of one income, which means both parents work outside the home and have to shell out a good portion of their income to pay for childcare, at least here in the US.
If these parents were able to access the resources they desperately need at a low cost and without judgement, their burden would be made so much lighter.
Children aren’t stupid. They can absolutely tell when they’re resented and it causes immense damage that lasts a lifetime.
It always has been like that, but, unfortunately nowadays there is no extended family to help you
My sister whose only 20 just had a child a few months ago by mistake. My family is extremely pro life and years of brainwashing forced my sister into thinking she had no options. She tends to hide what she's really feeling, but I had been made aware of the fact that she cried in sadness when finding out she was pregnant and throughout the pregnancy. My family had a shot gun wedding about 2 months after finding out about the pregnancy. Her kid is now a couple months old and my family adores her and i do as well even if im just her aunt. My sister has grown attached, but apart of me can't shake the feeling that all these posts warn about. She never had a choice. That's just the facts, and one day they may come back to haunt her if they haven't already.
Some of these made me feel sympathy, but the one about the 6 yr old ADHD child boiled my blood. So often parents only think of how things affect them- but imagine how that child feels, with no friends, neurological issues and a mother who literally admits to wishing she would no longer exists? 6 is old enough for sure to sense that type of shit.
Same. At that age they aren’t little blobs of useless flesh anymore, and can tell when stuff is off.
There's all sorts of stories from these 'parents' about how they're sooooooo upset because they had a neurodivergent child. Seriously, shit like this makes me sick.
@@Littlemeast12Animations "little blobs of flesh" is crazy, bruh
It's so terrifying to me how flippantly a lot of people treat the decision to bring kids into the world. I have been on the fence about it before and nowadays I'm pretty positive I never want kids and I'm so thankful to past-me for not having them "just because." Very glad forums exist like this because people need to make fully informed decisions and know what could happen. That one OP is totally right that parents need to stop blowing smoke up others' rear ends about how wonderful parenthood is. Those types always give me join-my-MLM, misery-loves-company vibes. No thanks.
Those could also just be parents who geniunely love being parents though.
I love being a parent. I have zero regrets. I fully believe in choices and being self-aware though. Kids are not an on-the-fence type of subject. If you're on the fence, you shouldn't have kids imo. Kids are also not bandaids for fixing your life or relationship. Your life will change. A lot of these hateful parents whining about their life seem to have thought they'd live exactly the same as before just with a kid. Kids aren't dolls, so that's not gonna happen.
People have kids for bad reasons then blame the kids and that's not okay no matter how much reddit sympathy they get.
Good on you for knowing yourself and not becoming an ah parent.
As someone from the US: I've ALWAYS had a literal phobia of pregnancy and never wanted kids. From the time I WAS a kid, I've been afraid of having kids. I want to teach, and I do like kids, I just know I'm not the person to be solely responsible for them (really bad mental health squad ha). Luckily, I'm also a lesbian, but I constantly get harassed by men, like I'm not that pretty I just have a flashing target on my back that tells creeps to hit on me or something. I was with a male friend in a public place and had a guy feel me up in front of him, that's how bad it is. The way the government is taking away our abortion rights TERRIFIES me. I have such bad hormonal issues that I know I'd probably be one of the girls who doesn't know they're pregnant until it's too late to abort (if that's even still an option) and have multiple illnesses that would make pregnancy severely detrimental to my health. It's such a stupid irrational fear but I've always said I would sooner kill myself than have a child. Like if abortion is illegal I'm throwing myself down the stairs.
I'm sorry, this sounds horrible :/ I hope you'll have a dignified and unpregnanted remainder of your existence, cheers.
this is why they should let young people get sterilized if they want to, I'm sick of the "but they might change their mind" attitude of physicians
Eh, it sucks but if you ever get pregnant (hope you won't), at least you can give up the kid for adoption. Imagine if they banned giving children up tho :/ that would a shit hit the fan moment
I wouldn’t say it’s irrational at all. Pregnancy is disgusting and it’s horrifying how many creeps are okay with forcing it on people. It shows how little empathy they have for people who can get pregnant.
I’m lucky enough to have a super effective birth control implant but unfortunately it doesn’t work for everyone (it can make periods worse).
@@_stillborn giving up for adoption does not turn back the permanent damage pregnancy can do to a body nor the danger of possible injury/permanent illness/death from the process. --another pregnancy-phobic lesbian, but thankfully i'll probably make it out of this life barren, gods willing
My mom waited until she was 34 to have me, and she has said that it was the best decision she ever made. She is, however, having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she'll only ever be a doggy grandma. As someone with a lot of chronic health conditions, I don't think it's fair to have children and then rely on my mom to help me raise them. And I have enough trouble taking care of myself, so how am I supposed to care for another human? She doesn't really see how that's not fair for both her and the hypothetical child, but she's a little blinded by dreams of grandmahood. It's funny, because growing up, not being able to have children was my worst fear. Weird how that worked out.
I had my first child at 32 and my last (now age 4) at 38. I also have some chronic pain issues and a lot of times, I feel really guilty because I just can’t do a lot of the things that the younger parents of their friends can do. I love my girls, I rally really do, but if I could do it all over, i don’t know that I’d make the same choices.
@@TheDutchessOfCornville32 seems like a good age for a kid, 38 does seem a little late, I guess it depends how many kids you had known you wanted, definitely need more time for a bigger family, but my BF's sister had two kids by her early 30s and she is actually physically great and able to keep up well, but she stopped at around 35 ish
i think i was bron when my mom was in her late 20's, id say that's a little early but look who came out, me :)
"I wish you were never born"
Jesus christ!! That poor kid didn't ask for you to have her when you weren't ready. Now you're gonna turn around and say that to her?! Outrageous
w comments
I think it's good to have subreddits like this. It allows people to vent their unfiltered frustrations and also serves as a warning for others that parenting is not just a rite of passage that EVERYONE should do. It requires time, effort and a lot of patience, and if you don't have these or are unprepared, then you will end up in an awful situation
hot take, but you are right, kinda.
some things should NEVER even be thought of but most of these are fair, but fr dont resent a kid over your hornyness 💀
It's also good that bad people can out themselves as bad people
While I feel a lot of sympathy for some of these people who are clearly struggling, I feel like the fact that children are PEOPLE who didn’t ask to be born is being lost in their discussions. Nobody asks to be born, and these people will grow up knowing they are actively resented and disliked by their parents. Knowing my parent quite literally regrets my existence and views me as a burden on them would be absolutely soul crushing. 2:10
I feel the same. while I do feel some sympathy for these people (especially so for those who were coerced by partners) the real victim here is the children. they’re all I can think about listening to these.
One of my parents told me this to my face. Yes. It's pretty disturbing. Gladly, I was adult by the time, but it still hurt.
I don't wish to not be born. I just wish my parent would've worked out their issues before wanting kids. Cause the kid isn't the problem usually. Parenthood just brings out the worst (and best) in anyone. So imo this goes as far as: if you're a mentally stable and mature adult human, you'll be able to handle a kid.
Having kids is a very normal and natural thing. We're just biologically made to have them and we're made to be resilient too. We're born to do hard things all life long. But if someone just doesn't want kids and / or doesn't have it in them to raise a kid, then I just don't get why they would. And feeding into that thought, I hate this concept of blindness, this whole "oh, you only find out once you become a parent" thing... As if there's zero common sense, no signs, no nothing. But there is. I knew I'd be an okay parent. And I am. You can definitely find that out for yourself. People just don't do it. And then they're like "Oh shit. How did I become this?" So, if you have doubts, you HAVE TO figure them out first. And then either don't become a parent or work it out and get help.
So many issues can be resolved by introspection and knowledge here, but the issue of parental emotional incompetence is never touched on. Instead, society is blamed for "making them" become parents... Uhm, no. 🙄
@@UndineAlmani exactly. I knew my parents regretted having me when I was 5 years old and onwards, my own mother would threaten to put me up for adoption whenever I forgot to do something or to put on mittens when it was cold outside, etc. It screws up children, I unfortunately know from first hand experiences. I still doubt whether my parents are lying or not when they say they love me, even though I’m already 18 and am considered an adult, and am far from “useless” in terms of household work.
People NEED to actually sit down and consider if they want children or not. If they’re not ready for a child 110%, then they shouldn’t have one. Because it’s always harder to parent a child than many people think - they also need to be ready for the likely possibility of the child having a mental, developmental, or a physical disability - and even them developing it later in life. They need to understand that parents will take away from your free time to a very big degree. This shouldn’t be a half hearted decision they make, just because “that’s what they have to do”. No one *has* to have children, people need to know that it’s ok if they won’t have them.
If someone’s partner tries to wear them down I’m regards to having children, when the second partner doesn’t want to - it’s best to just leave, than to have either of the parents have resentment their entire lives. Children aren’t negotiable, children aren’t compromise-able, you need to leave in that case.
@Pixelated Human Person So sorry that happened to you. Dysaffectionate parents and narcissist parents are the worst for a kid, I think. For me it was just the no touch, no love statements thing. I make it my thing to hug my kid all the time, not explode over minor shit and tell her I love her every day. I wasn't able to do that with any other person and she really changed my life. My main reason for having a kid was actually that I saw a mom shouting at her kid and I thought "Wait? Can I do this better?" And it sounds completely dumb but I mean it in a way as: when you actually feel less fear because you see others suck at something and that makes it more "humanly possible". If that makes sense 🙈. And my other big goal was to suck less than my parents, which was pretty low 😭🤣🙄
I think, the topic is a bit uhm... bloated? Blown up? Sry not a native English speaker here. Like people obsess over this, even the ones that don't want kids (I was the same. I was so on everyone's face that I find kids boring AF and don't want any). It's a decision that impacts 3+ lives. It's important. But it's something you gotta figure out by yourself. Like everything in life that's important. Like your profession or identity or which country you want to live in or what you're willing to die for. All of these are the same level to me almost...
@@UndineAlmani Thank you, I'm doing much better now that I was able to have a talk with my parents about it. I don't blame them entirely, they had a lot of extreme problems when I was growing up, and I even realized this as I was growing up myself. Still, they grew as people, and they realized how wrong they were to act that way. I'm glad!
You sound like a wonderful parent! I'm glad you're learning from your own parents and the people around you on how not to act.
Your reasoning sounds really great, I don't think it's stupid at all! It's a great motivation, especially compared to some parents' motivation of having children "because that's what they need to do" or because "they want someone to take care of them when they're old".
Yeah, this topic is pretty overblown. I think it's because it became acceptable to not have children a short while ago, and even still - many people are pressured into it, even to this day. It's a very important choice to make, and people need to consider it heavily! You're right to point out how it's as big of a commitement as a career or moving to another country, having children will literally impact your entire life.
Some people may think about it, and decide to not have children for any reason. I think that's very healthy, and is the best decision not just for them, but for any future potential non-existant children, as well. It's best that children grow up in an enviorment where they feel needed, since every child deserves a loving parent.
This subreddit is-- a sore spot for me. I don't really know how to think about it. I'm autistic, and I was that sort of difficult kid-- I got kicked out of the Scouts for telling the other kids there that Santa wasn't real, I bit my sister on a few occasions, to this day I have a scar on the side of my head where I spun into the sharp edge of a table at two years old because I liked twirling. Luckily, I had a patient mom that adapted well to my brain because she knew what she was getting into and recognized some of the traits in me. So, I guess on some level I do _relate_ to these kids. But their parents' feelings are-- strange. On some level they're valid, but at the same time I just want to shake them and scream "THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR KID MUST BE FEELING!" like that lady with the daughter with severe ADHD, my lord, how self-centered do you have to be. You don't have "mommy friends", aww that's so sadddddd, you keep forcing your kid into situations where she's not happy, is probably _very_ overstimulated, and then get mad at her when she can't behave or has "meltdowns like a two-year-old". btw _That's_ a sign of autism, which is often comorbid with/mistaken for ADHD, which would explain why she's not responding to medication and why she acts like this. But you don't care to look into that because you're too busy self-pitying and whining about how you have no life. You're the little shit here, not her.
But still. There's a thread throughout these stories of people having kids young, and people having kids with disabilities. It's "I have no social life", "I have no life", "I'm tired", "I'm done", which is fine. They are valid feelings, especially with the feeling like you've wasted your life somehow. That dad who was in his twenties and was sort of forced into it. The lady with the shitty ex that just abandoned her at the hospital after forcing a child. If it's by force, I have more sympathy. That guy that caved and told his daughter just broke my heart, because of how much suffering he was inflicting on himself _and_ her. But it's still rather self-centered, and doesn't really think about the child's feelings. Ultimately, there's another person's feelings in the matter, and now you have to consider what's best for everyone here.
I think that's the main issue here, what's best in the long term for everyone's emotional health. I do understand if you're frustrated abt having to care for a child, especially one with an unexpected disability. But honestly, if you're severely depressed about your kid's existence, to the point where you think about ending your own life, you need to look into adoption. It's probably what's best for you and them, especially an impressionable kid. I wish adoption and foster care were less underfunded and stigmatized, and kids could go to homes that are equipped for them. Until then...I guess the statistics of parents killing neurodivergent kids will just...exist.
sorry for the essay in the comments but-- idk this is a bit of a touchy subject for me, since I know I'd-- be like these parents if I was ever forced to have a kid, while wondering the horrors that I would've gone through if I had a parent-- like me if that made any sense. idk. either way it's a hard subject.
Y'know this is the only comment essay here I really understood, something about it really hit me. Reading some other comments here, I feel like people here are kinda forgetting about how the kids would feel during this. As another autistic brotha, I really got pissed off with some of these "I hate my mentally disabled child" posts, but at the same time I do understand and sympathize with the other parents, so I can't wholly discredit the stance many people here take. I wholeheartedly agree with your stance that adoption should be a more common option in these situation, sometimes people just aren't ready to be parents, sometimes people just shouldn't ever be parents. Sorry about this being a bit all over the place, I was just sorta moved by your comment and wanted to give you the kudos you're owed for that.
This comment is very underrated. You summarized it perfectly
Same I was a difficult kid for my single mom but even if we didn’t get on she is my best friend today and her patience is on a god level and I feel horrible for these kids.
Well👏Fucking👏Said
This hits really hard
I’ll never understand parents hating their disabled children since I and my little brother have parents who understand we’re autistic and need accommodations. I have to simplify something for my little brother to understand while he’s willing to partake in job training. My parents still go to events with family friends and such.
I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum so I have no problem saying this: if you can’t manage your resentment & learn how to properly nurture your child, please for the love of god hand them over to someone who can. They don’t deserve a lifetime of trauma just because you couldn’t handle being their parent.
I’m a mom but I’m also no stranger to the abortion clinic so i get it. I’m not coming from a place a judgement & actually hold a lot of empathy for people who felt pressured into this life but at the end of the day, it’s up to you to do the right thing & place those kids where they’re wanted.
My husband and I knew 100% we wanted a kid, and went through a lot to adopt our son. We absolutely love him, but his emotional problems can be really draining. Sometimes I definitely have thoughts like this. But my husband and I have a great relationship and can support each other and we have a strong support network. We have weekly social worker visits to make sure we're holding up and weekly family therapy. I can't imagine how parents without those advantages manage. I hope these parents get the support they need.
something that bothers me when it comes to parents who merely regret having an *autistic* child rather than children in general feels that 9/10 times just stems from them being poor parents. They didn't get a child they could just do whatever they pleased with, instead they got a child with boundaries and needs. So they need to be a better, more understanding and loving parent than they *think* theyd need to be to a neurotypical child. I'm autistic, and i can pretty clearly remember how a lot of my issues stemmed more from poor parenting than from being autistic. Being autistic just often made it so i expressed it differently, like being overstimulated and having meltdowns. Most of these were caused because i was afraid, for example. It's not that your child is, generally speaking, oh so much more difficult. You just didnt get a doll to play with. You actually have to parent.
Because of this as well, they raise god awful children. They either dont parent them properly, and theyre nightmares to deal with as a result (because they didnt expect to actually need to *parent*) Or the kid gets neglected/abused.
Yes, far too many parent not only expect an NT child, they expect that NT child to have wants and desires that the parents share. You make me think off all those jock dads who are pissed that they have a child who doesn't want to be playing sportsball.
@@skylinefeveroh the "family dynasty"
You're right, and oh my god, the amount of people who have argued with me about this. Everyone acts like it's the child's fault and the parent deserves more sympathy than the child; it's ableism, plain and simple. I wasn't a particularly difficult child, but I am autistic, and this mindset really hits a nerve for me. I just find it incredibly sad, especially since I COULD'VE been a difficult child if my autism happened to affect me differently than it does.
@vinny1883 Exactly. Don't get me wrong, I had some difficulties. But those honestly stemmed more from poor, stubborn parenting. For a while I was really scared of the dark due to being told a horror story, so I'd freak out every night because my mother refused to leave the hall lights on. No reason other than "I don't wanna". Those nightly freak outs for 2 hours quite literally wouldn't have happened if she just...left the light on till I was asleep.
And now she leaves the hall light on every night for herself 🙃
It's smal things but these parents literally seem to CREATE these situations
Like stated a lot of people have an idealized version of it parenthood and having a kid is a reality check, I feel like a lot of these people think that and when they have a kid they blame on the autism.
The mom with the adhd daughter honestly pissed me off, the way she talked about how she envisioned her child to be just told me she was never ready to have a kid, neurotypical or not, kids aren't little props you can mold to your liking, the poor girl probably senses that her mom hates her and that worsens her behavior, she cleary feels unloved.
This is obviously not just the mom's fault, the dad is very shitty too but since he's not the one going on reddit calling his daughter terrible things its a lot harder to judge him 😶
I'd advise therapy for the whole family tbh ✋ That poor kid :/
Also just a rule of thumb, don't have kids if you aren't at all prepared to deal with a disabled kid, anyone can become disabled at any point in time, just because they might be born physically healthy and neurotypical NOTHING can assure you they will stay that way for the rest of their lives
Yea, I don't exactly have the most sympathy for that person.
@@J233-4 Its just so terrible, one of the symptoms of ADHD is rejection sensitive dysphoria, we're very very aware of every single word someone says that might imply they don't like us, that child KNOWS how much her mom hates her
A lot of these parents scream "i never knew i had to actually *parent* and *teach* my kid!!" and its just amplified by having a disabled child. They can usually kinda skate on by unnocitced with a neurotypical child. But with a neurodivergent child, damn right you'll notice whos actually parenting them and who isnt.
@@glitteryfaery that's the whole point, they didn't realize what could happen until it did.
Heavy. I think it is unfortunate that so many either chose to have kids or made some choices that led them to but didn't want to. I sometimes feel a sense of family would be nice, but I'm barely outside the grips of constant substance abuse and my life is not suited to introducing an attachment an responsibility to an adult, let alone to a child dependant upon my care. I'm almost completely emotionally unavailable. Any kid deserves more than I could give. Shit that's long.
As a disabled kid belonging to one of those many parents that never expected to have one, my parents were very clearly neglectful to me because I was disabled, and therefore not someone they could see with a future or someone who could make a profit. There's many times where I wish they could be in the circumstances where they could have handed me off to someone who cared about me despite my disabilities, and in my more suicidal thoughts, I wished they had aborted me.
It's a complicated situation to have, both from a child's perspective and a parent's. Compared to my siblings, I am rarely looked at as an entire human being, someone capable of doing what is expected of a parent's child, both in adolescence and adulthood. I cannot forgive them for their lack of care, even if they didn't intend to have a disabled child, because I know my birth was intentional and consenting. I know for many children in general, that may not be the case. I sympathize with my parents, but unlike some of the parents you highlighted in this video, my guadians weren't willing to do the bare minimum. Even if they did, I know I wouldn't be accepted, and that hurts a lot.
I'm really sorry to hear that. Disabled people are still that, people. If taken care of they will be seen as a person and not just a burden or someone to look away from. I genuinely wish I could be there for you and all the other afflicted people in this comment section because it hurts to see so many people going through things no one should ever have to go through.
Man. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
Things like this are important to talk about, kids suffer because they aren’t wanted, adults suffer because they have to care for kids they didn’t want or don’t love, having a kid should never, ever be taken lightly.
One of the many reasons I never want children is this; apart from having conditions I could pass on, I just don’t want to create a being who will suffer for their entire life.
I see another fellow antinatalist. Hello
i disagree, i have a critical disablillity that made it near-impossable for me to walk, but, lowk i would do it again if i had the choice to be normal, because, being disabled=you see doctors=free lollypop+medical knowledge. also it made me stronger and the time i couldnt run around, was used to learn and developed into learning multible new skills! i am still working (i had a recent sugery and recovering) but after this one i SHOULD be ok :) life is more fun then not(i was 9 at the first signs of symptoms, now 13!) ((p.s. this comment is one i sent to someone else so if it sound weird, it is outta context))
My daughter is so much like me, but she's made of all the GOOD parts of me. She doesn't have the abuse and trauma I grew and lived with. She was the result of a single violent rape by a "friend" who drugged me.
My fear as a parent is the shit she's going to go through. My biggest mistake was a mix of being too trusting and never knowing how to actually love myself growing up. How do I even begin to prepare her for the cruelty in this world? I'm worried that while I might raise her avoid the abuse I endured, there's an entirely different line of abuse I have no way of defending her from.
I don't blame people for not having kids. I wouldn't have had any had I not been raped. I regret the rape, but lucky for her and I, I do not regret her. Not even a little bit.
But my situation was different. I was immediately struck into both a crime and an unwanted pregnancy. I viewed her as a parasite, as a medical condition the entire pregnancy. I felt NOTHING when I saw her 4D ultrasound and heard her heartbeat. I took perfect care of her and myself out of nothing more than obligated duty.
But when they put her on my chest, every feeling I've never felt hit me like a semi truck and I cried so hard my eyes swelled shut and I didn't even know what her face looked like. I loved her more in that moment than I had and will ever love anything else. It's why I will never have another child. I only have enough love in my heart to give one person my world. I am lucky in that she is fiercly intelligent, brave, loving, and independent beyond her age. She's 9. But not everyone has that experience of intense bonding.
God I hurt for both the children and the parents in these situations. Parenthood is the hardest and most thankless job in the world, and I really wish we would STOP forcing people to think having kids is a normal part of life.
It was NOT your fault❤️
As a survivor of SA myself, this story is powerful. Thank you for doing your best, for loving that child, and for not shaming anyone who would not have had your same strength. All of the blessings to your family.
wait why weren't you offered the morning after pill?
@@fawn2911 doesnt always work
No one should be pushed into parenthood, woman or man.
i feel extraordinarily sorry for these people. i plan to be childfree forever. known it since i was 14 that motherhood is not for me
Often when childfree are asked why they are childfree "Just never wanted kids" is the most common reason.
Many people fall for the trap that people choose not to have children because their are huge into their career, or they are hardcore environmentalists.
Wow it is disturbing so many parents might honeslty think epilepsy is a mental health issue. As someone with it, that is terrifying.
it is but it isnt in the way ppl think, it doesnt really effect the person like depression would, and to call it that seems wrong for me
As someone with ADHD and autism listening to these stories, especially the ones with kids with disabilities, I realize how lucky I am that my parents didn't end up like the parents on the sub. It makes me so sad that kids are in situations like this.
Same
Whenever I hear about this subreddit all i can think of are those poor kids. Though they never said it and seemed like good parents on the surface, my parents *hated* me and its fucked me up beyond comprehension. When I was a child I slept with a knife between my mattress and box spring because my dad hated me & drank so much that I was genuinely scared of what he might do.
It's gotten better now that I'm an adult. I have better control over the autism that caused so many of the personality traits they hated and im no longer dependent on them, so we can all ignore each other for weeks with no issue. But the damage is done. Im 27 and I've never been in a romantic relationship or even had a real crush because my "love map" is so fucked that I can't imagine anyone actually, truly loving me. I dont deserve love. I cannot be loved. I can only be regretted.
People tell me thats not true. Intellectually I'm sure they're right - there's nothing about me that's inherently different from any other schmuck - but no matter how hard i try, no matter how much therapy I go to, how matter how much personal work I do, I cannot fix the things my r/regretfulparents broke in me. I'm a broken doll glued back together. You can display me, but im far too fragile to play with. I just stand on the shelf collecting dust so I dont get broken again. After all, if your own parents don't care about you, why would anyone else?
More people need to realize therapy is no guaranteed cure. For a significant number of people it actually makes them worse. For others, I guess it is the equivalent of putting duct tape on damaged goods, and calling it "Good as new."
Your parents were garbage, real human trash. You are not. They had no right to treat you that way, you are a good, innocent person who was a victim of intense abuse. Picture a child who went through the same pain as you. I know you’d want to be kind to that child and to help them. That’s the treatment you deserve, love and support.
"After all, if your own parents don't care about you, why would anyone else?" Darling, so many people would. Your parents only hold that title until one of them forgets.
I have ADHD and I recently graduated with my MS. The story about the parents with an ADHD child really pisses me off. I never asked to be born. Any struggles my parents had raising me were 10x worse living them as an ADHDer. If you aren't ready to have a child with a disability, don't have kids. It's simple as that.
EXACTLY, I have ADHD and I'm also autistic, that story broke my heart, what a terrible person
Sorry but as a disabled person I have minimal sympathy for parents who resent their disabled children, if you don’t consider that your child can be born or acquire a disability you’re irresponsible. Literally everyone who lives long enough will at some point in their life become more or less disabled.
it must have been hard for you to hear that part of the video with the disabled daughter, but you're right, people jump into having kids as if they're furniture and not people. Even freak accidents could make a healthy person disabled, what then, they just don't think ahead much. But nonetheless, I hate those who pressure others knowing they will have no consequences themselves.
Or they need to give them to a family who will love them. I work with this population, and the lengths the families have gone to melts my heart
Yeah I agree. I hate seeing parents talk about how hard it is taking care of disabled kids, like right in front of them too. I also have to wonder, when these kids act out is it because their disabled, or maybe because they have parents who obviously dislike them, and take every moment to remind them of their burden, without even a thought to what it might be like for people like us. I'm so lucky my mom was an angel to me, and was calm and kind when I had problems.
@@oanaenache991I have adhd and autism, it often makes me feel lucky that my mum doesn’t resent me first I she got me from her dead ab*dive partner (I never met him but he hit mum when I was in the stomach) she left when the police threatened to take her 3 special needs kids including me we weren’t privileged my mum had to beg for me to get my diagnosis they said “she’ll catch on” I never did and the fact she can still love me with all these problems I have idk. The amount of times I’ve had a sensory overload and hit people and her to still sit on the floor with me and handle me is amazing I know I never want kids because I know I’d be a bad mum. But she isn’t
As someone who has life altering problems that will never go away, I would not be able to handle a disabled child. Do I want children? Yes. But am I terrified they’re gonna end up like me? Yes. Is that making it hard for me to make decisions? Yes
I married my highschool boyfriend very young and didn't realize how abusive the situation was until way too late. Among other things, he sexually assaulted me regularly and left me with intimacy issues I'll likely be working on for the rest of my life. The scariest part, in hindsight, was how hard he tried to force me to get pregnant - and how he almost wore me down enough to give in. I'm finally out of that situation and getting sterilized next week (I'm 24). I'm not doing it because I've sworn off parenthood forever -- I'm doing it because I feel I no longer have the luxury of being safe in my fertility. I'm not even sexually active, but between societal expectations, classism, and the widespread abortion bans in my country, I've been constantly terrified that I could be raped, impregnated, and forced to keep the child for years now and I won't be able to breathe until that possibility is erased. It might sound like a paranoid delusion, but if you look at the stories of people on this subreddit and others in similar positions, is it really that far fetched?
If my mom had Reddit, I’m sure my story would’ve made its way on here. I was always told she had no friends and it was my fault because she had to take care of us. She had me at 17 and I don’t have a bond with her despite her being my biological mom, and it hurts. All I want is the only biological parent I have to not cause me to react and act like I don’t exist and are just happy with my siblings. I’m 21 and when I get really upset I cry and beg that I want a mother I never really even had. I don’t know why I’m so sensitive and cry and hit myself when I get upset, but it made my mom hate me and the butt of why she’s renting or why she has nothing. Why my family has nothing. It hurts. I just want my mom.
Same man same
And so many people feel sympathy for the PARENTS on this thread or say the problem is not having access to reproductive rights. Fuck all of that - no child deserves to feel that way. Parents who do that to them are pieces of shit
You deserve to be loved and cared for, I’m sorry.
the choice to remain child free is one i make over and over again, every day. scary to think the decision to become a parent is one you only need to make once.
I feel like there should be some rigorous process to go through to make sure you really want to bring another child into this world, but nope, it can happen on a whim. Honestly insane if you ask me, but hey, it is what it is.
fr, ill probelly adopt, there are many children that need a parent, why make more?
It's really hard to feel bad for some of those people. Not for people like the first OP, who love their kids but acknowledge they missed out on a lot, and would do things differently if they had another shot a life, or the people like the two OPs whose partners basically forced them to have kids. No, I'm talking about people like the mom of the ADHD kid who kept calling her kid a little shit. I'm sure if that little girl was in a household that loved her, she'd thrive. And as a rule of thumb - don't write anything on the internet about your kid that you wouldn't want your kid to read. Even if there's next to no chance they'd ever find it, don't take that risk. The internet is forever and kids raised with it know their way around better than you'd think.
Society's expectations do play a big part in this discussion, that's true. My cousin didn't want kids, but she thought she was getting too old and should have them before it was "too late." Now she's pregnant with twins. Last time I saw her she didn't look happy about it at all. And the other day my aunt was complaining that her 30yo son's girlfriend, aged 35, had an "expiration date" (her exact words) because she was almost too old to have kids. That's one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard.
Anyway, I highly recommend the webcomic "How baby" to anyone considering being a parent - it's an autobiographical comic by a person who didn't want kids but decided to have one, and it depicts all the highs and especially all the lows. Imo it should be required reading for anyone wanting to be a parent or expecting an unexpected child.
Research shows that ODD and defiant behavior in general is more than likely at least 50 percent environmental, especially if the kid already has ADHD. Dr. Berkley, a now retired, but leading researcher into the field, mentioned the study and the fact that 'they're already 50 percent there' and suggests parenting to accommodate the needs with love and support would definitely alter any negative trajectories that other influences in life might have in store
My daughter was born when I was 20, due to her mothers health I am now a single dad at 23. I used to be a party animal and very social but I’m much more reserved nowadays, I’m actually glad that I don’t live that life anymore. Don’t get me wrong there are days where I could scream, feel done in, even feel like giving up but this life of sacrifice has been the most fulfilling part of my life. The benefit of being a young dad is that I will still be youngish when she grows up and I do plan on going travelling when she is older!
This is why it should be mandatory for potential parents to undergo parenting classes and what happens to a woman's body and mind before, during, and after pregnancy. I never wanted children even as a child myself, but researching all of this including the financial strain I decided that I do not want any children, even adoption is out of the question.
My mom expressed before that she regrets having us, because our father is abusive (so we're all different kinds of traumatized from a childhood full of shouting) and because she never had enough money on her own to provide us with a good life. She loves us, but she hates the world and circumstances she brought us into, if that makes any sense.
In the very least, my mom totally understands the fact that none of us want our own kids.
I've known I didn't want to have kids for most of my life. I'm absurdly independent, need a lot of time to myself, and can't stand the high pitched, sudden screams children make. I'm so glad nobody is trying to pressure me into having one because I could see myself being one of these parents in an alternate universe.
YUP! the requirement of alone time is huge, and the sensory overload kids can bring (i was that kid sometimes) is just too much.
Though I get to know my cousins son, I know I won’t have kids anytime soon since I lack the full responsibilities for parenthood. Glad nobody not even in my own family tell me to marry a guy and have kids (I’m a lesbian).
as a kid who grew up knowing they were unwanted, it's interesting to see the other side of these broken relationships. I always told myself that if I became a dad I would be the best dad in the world to my kid and love them like nothing else. I also know that I would make the exact same mistakes as my parents did with me, and no child deserves that pain
I feel for these parents, society has pushed the idea of parenthood and pregnancy with out any proper education about it being pushed. That being said these types of communities are a potential breeding ground for ablism and child abuse, because as much as these parents are people, so are their kids, and they will pick up on your disinterest. I was emotionally neglected as a child and as bad as I feel for these parents I can’t help but think of their kids who probably can tell their parents are regretful of them. When do support groups become echo chambers for depressing thoughts? These problems aren’t unsolvable, therapy would probably do wonders for most of these people. I just wonder if the support this group gives is enough to balance out the negative effects it will undoubtably have on thousands of children of these parents.
I don't believe society 'pushed' the idea as it's biologically ingrained in us. But I 100% agree with the rest of your comment. These groups enable and validate feelings that are not normal and should be discussed with a mental health professional
@@NvmThemHereIAm I don't know if it is socially pushed on men but as a woman at 21 yrs old and getting married soon, I've been asked multiple times if I'm having kids. My fiancé and I live in my parents' basement with stable jobs but nowhere near enough money saved to move out and raise a child, and the people asking know this. And the questions aren't "Oh will you eventually consider having kids?" It's "When are you having kids?"
Yes also "influencers" are to blame for this fake idea fmof what life is like . My daughter made my life worth living , she saved me from myself . I couldn't and wouldn't want to think about life without her.
Yes, therapy is wonderful for people, and absolute bullshit for others.
therapy does not automatically make people love their kids fym??
i don't know if anyone was thinking "what would these kids think if they read these?" but genuinely, as someone whose father was neglectful and seemed to regret having kids, it'd be a relief just to hear him admit it. as many comments have said, the children can always tell... it'd give me more emotional closure to read something like this. it's a better explanation than apathy, i guess.
I feel sorry for some of these people, but some of them are just blatantly nasty people who victimize themselves. The dad who told his daughter that in big words, so he made it so she might understand it that he hated her? Vile people, spineless to blame it on the kid who didn't choose to be born and then go on to say they're the victims, like holy shit these people are vile.
Oh the sub is so much worse in real time. They get super defensive if you call them out. Most of them weren't even forced into parenthood. They're just bitter that kids are taking up more of their me-time than they thought would happen. It's self-centered and childish.
@@legitzwiz15 yup. So far my favorite was the man who knew a serious genetic disease ran in his family but decided to have bio kids anyways and is now mad at the kid for being disabled 🤦♀️
Truth is a lot of adults are more selfish and dumb than the toddlers they hate and will never take responsibilty for decisions that they as a fully grown person chose to make.
I went to that subreddit yesterday, first thing I saw was a mother complaining that she couldn’t be on her phone anymore cuz of her 18 months old kid, and also a post saying “fuck autism” over her kid being autistic and the comments were all horribly bigoted towards autistic people, like I saw someone say autism was a “disease of the devil”, I’m genuinely trying to be empathetic but some of those parents genuinely deserve cps called on them, especially the ones who are abusive towards their disabled children I have ZERO empathy for as a neurodivergent person
I don’t feel sorry for any of them. You get my point exactly though. These people are all so SELFISH! I sort of understand the feeling of missing out on your life, but outright resenting your children because of them being BORN? This sort of resentment should be directed to their stupid decisions, not their innocent children! Man I feel terrible for those kids. They really deserve better parents.
I don’t care if this makes me a bad person: I don’t feel bad for you that you made the choice to abuse your children. I am so sick of being expected to feel bad for these people. I have autism and I'm so tired of the dehumanization of disabled kids, which only makes their behavior worse. I am so tired. So sick and tired.
I feel bad for both the parents and the children. The parents said specifically that they try their best to hide the fact they hate the children and act like they love them, but as the children get older they will most likely notice that the parents are unhappy around them.
The reality is everyone is different. Marriage and kids will provide some people some degree of fulfillment but it doesn't for everyone. Most offspring are born out of a desire for sex not a desire to be a parent, and it's something that most animals just learn as they go along.
Yes, some pro-life types do not get that sex drive does not equal reproductive drive.
@@skylinefever what? like i legit cant tell what you said with that grammar
That one saying "I wish I knew there were other choices" boggles my mind. You needed to be TOLD to not have a kid? That's so weird to me. Having a child is a conscious decision... how brainwashed do you have to be to not realise decisions can just... not be made?
I'm guessing, since you're a man, you really don't understand how much pressure women were and are under to reproduce, especially 30+ years ago when, while being a career woman was an option, it was barely a generation-old option and for many women, per the way they were raised, it still really wasn't something they would consider. So, yes, a lot of women in the 70s, 80s, and even 90s, especially early 90s, were more likely to have kids because "that's just what you do" without really having the option to just have a life as a free woman promoted to them. Freedom for women is a really, really recent thing.
The brainwashing is everywhere in media. I was constantly being pressured into the whole marriage and kids BS. Literally everywhere. Friends, family, coworkers.....people didn't understand why I got upset.
It's just a THING every women is expected to do. It's SO fulfilling.
And a lot of women have been taught to not make waves.
I was making waves and swimming against the current.
My sister got her tubes tied. She hasn't told her father because she knows he's expecting grandchildren, even though she's never wanted kids.
I've known a person who was threatened to be disowned if she did not lead a traditional life (getting married, no divorce, having many children), my own mother and aunts were told from age zero till whenever they could leave the church that their main purpose on earth was to raise children and to also raise them to follow the faith.
I can totally see a person who never got another perspective, just not knowing "disobedience" was an actual option. Some people are unfortunately told they will burn in damnation if they dont follow "god's plan" they really are brainwashed. Not saying its the case for this one, but some people really do not know they have a choice 🤷♀️
I wonder how many parents on that subreddit are like my mom, who imo exhibits a fascinating dichotomy of regretting one of her kids but not the other. My mom wanted me, she was so happy to have me. But her mom pressured her to have my little sister and they just never really bonded like we did. Even now as my sister and I are adults, she enjoys spending time with me engaging in our shared interests, but finds my sister annoying and exhausting to be around. It's not even a case of liking a "normal" kid over a disabled one - I have autism, schizophrenia, a connective tissue disorder, and a sleep disorder that keep me from working; my sister has anxiety and a full-time job. It's like a lot of those parents expressed: She loves my sister, but she doesn't like her. But she does like me. And I think that's another thing more parents need to talk about. Everyone insists they "don't have a favourite", but I know for a fact at least some parents do. My mom likes me better because our personalities are similar, and my dad likes my sister better because their personalities are similar. Parents have favourites and that's just a fact of life and I bet a lot of parents harbour enormous guilt over it that leads to them regretting having kids at all.
Wow having kids requires a lot of responsibility and isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, big fuckin surprise
That story about the daughter with adhd is honestly so sad. I was very similar to that daughter, I had stomach issues and would scream through the night, once school started I would have meltdowns every morning before my parents went to work. I refused to eat vegetables and clean up after myself. But my parents NEVER resented me. I have autism and ADHD and although they didn’t know that for a long time, they understood that it wasn’t my fault. They never hated me even though they were not prepared for a disabled child.
At least ppl on this subreddit generally try to offer some advice to regretful parents and aren't spiteful losers like r/childfree. Unfortunately this attitude isn't exactly uncommon, I can't tell you how many ppl admitted to me how much they wanted their old lives back, this site just gave them a place to vent.
Way too many ppl are pressured by family, friends, parents, society etc into having kids simply because it's something you're supposed to do when you're married but many fail to seriously consider all aspects of raising children.
I feel like MORE ppl should discuss matters like this more often then hide it away, otherwise you only end up with more bitter ppl in the world with fractured relationships :(
I think the corporate oligarchs have decided they want a higher population, even if that means it is mostly a higher population of screwed up people.
Yeah I feel like there's two extremes that people take of either "having a child is the best thing in the world and if you're struggling you're a bad parent" or "having a child is the worst thing imaginable and if you're struggling you should have just not had kids" and I'm glad some middle ground exists now of showing there's highs/lows to having kids
When I was 5 I told my mom she was mean. She packed up my shit and kicked me out of the house. I sat on the sidewalk crying for 2 hours til my dad came home and took me back inside. Then my mom wouldn't talk to me for a week after
insane that she heard that, and immediately proved your point. she was that upset because you were right btw, parents like that hate being seen for the terrible people they are.
you said that in a bid to connect, right? to try and help her understand how she was making you feel. that's so cool for a five year old. especially one with such a poor example for communicating.
It’s crazy that your mom took that in and just decided to prove you right
THATS HORRIBLE D:
I'm 29 and can barely afford to live myself, there's no way in hell I could afford children even if I wanted them.
This is why birth rates drop when people have the ability to follow their dreams.
In some countries, some people can't afford to eat, but they still have numerous kids.
@@skylinefever sometimes it's the only option, they do it either out of laziness to protection or they want their kid to grow up and make enough money to get them out of their situation
@@warriorjason2763I would say that's a bit unfair. It's not really laziness to get protection. Most of those countries have either no birth control or very unsafe methods of birth control that can ultimately be ineffective anyway. Also so many have few abortion access and a lot of children are born from rape which in some of those countries is common pratice. I'm not trying to diss those countries but those are the real issues they face and a leading reason why espically poorer populations in those countries have like 10 kids. Only the rich people can acess stuff.
i love kids and loved working at a daycare but i remember multiple pick up times where i had the thought “i love these kids but i can’t imagine going home and still taking care of them”
fr, as a teen that has had to look over someone i agree
that's why its so infuriating when happy parents insisnt you'll eventually want kids or "its different when it's your own". even if thats possible, why on earth would i take that chance
The biggest problem is: it takes a village to raise a child. Our current society though has distanced itself from each other and therefore it's not like it was back then, when this saying was made.
I'm so glad you covered this subreddit. I chose to never have kids and have always been really blunt about it, saying I just know I couldn't love them. I know how I feel, I'm pretty selfish and want to live my life my own way. People try to argue and tell me how I'm missing out and how if I tried it I would change my mind, but that's just not true. For some people maybe, but not for everyone.
Now if it comes up in conversation I always tell young people not to worry about what others say and to do what THEY feel is right. Because no one should be pressured into parenthood. It's not fair for the parents, but it's especially cruel to do that to the innocent children born to people who didn't even want them in the first place. How sad for them, what kind of life is that?
I hope someday this weird pressure to become parents fully fades away.
Damn, hearing the story about the mom with the kid that has adhd really made me cry because im currently a child with adhd and now I wonder what my mom thinks about me and what other parents feel about her. I love my mom but now i wonder how it wouldve been if she didnt have me.
kid, your mom loves you, dont worry. the mother in this video really isnt a good person
Please don't think like that! Parents who regret their children to this extent are in the minority, and while some say it was harder because their child had ADHD, I think they would have regretted the decision regardless. Chances are your mum loves you as much as you love her. I'm sorry this video upset you though 🖤
@@TheInternetInvestigator Thank you! I know she does love me but seeing how stressed these parents say they are i see it in my mom. shes constantly tired and i try my best to be quiet and do what she wants to keep her happy but then she has my little brother who is big trouble.
@@brattyz yeah but seeing everything in my mom what the mother in the video explained made me cry because i wasnt the best kid but i was as calm as i could be. I love my mom very much and if i had the money and time to i would spoil her with what she wanted for all these years shes taken care of me(currently 16)
@Erik I’m sure your mother really loves and appreciates you if you’ve turned out this sweet! You’re just about the best sort of kid a parent could ask for
honestly these subreddits - while upsetting and harsh - are necessary