Birthdays and Seizures - Mariko's Midnight Musings #12

Filmed 9 July 2024 just after midnight. I couldn't sleep and needed to get some thoughts out of my head. Unfortunately(?) I'm even more rambly than usual, but eventually I get to the point...
Sorry about the sound on this one for anyone who notices that, I filmed on my phone and wasn't talking directly at it, I think that took out the top end and made things less clear.
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[@DestroyerMariko]

I was a little tempted not to post this one coz it probably comes across as a little petty especially if anyone doesn't know much about my life or my mental illness. But eh it's a real snapshot of my state of mind at the time... This is why I need to post videos asap though, because once I get a bit of distance between now-me and past-me, I start to disconnect and my brain starts to disown its own thoughts and mental state. It's really frustrating and confusing not having a stable sense of self. Speaking of, I made a video about it haha ruclips.net/video/Nv_B_cYbXJs/видео.html might as well promote! As for what's changed in the past few days since I filmed this video, honestly I think trolling the trolls perked me up a lot! Not the first time either. Is it normal to find haters kinda hilarious? Hmm! Something else to self-psychoanalyse!! :D

[@hmskld238]

This makes me think back at my own childhood and trying to remember birthdays, .. I've never had a birthday party. My Mom would bake a cake and it would be desert with supper, that's my memory of birthdays. I come from a very Scandinavian, old fashioned background and that might contribute to the distancing of our household, I had wonderful parents, both teachers in public schools, and active in community, but affection in our home was kind of assumed. The word "love" was never mentioned in my childhood, ever, I was never hugged .. not once, as far back as I can recall .. my memory goes back probably to about age four. No hugs! but parents who were good providers, caring, good people .. but it must have just been assumed affection. I wonder if this lack of affection has contributed to my own distancing as an adult in regards to relationships. It probably has.

[@DestroyerMariko]

Oh man, sounds like they kinda treated you as if you were a student rather than their actual child. Good teachers can be great, but they're not supposed to be all affectionate to kids coz that's creepy and weird. Is it Scandinavian to not have a party though? Even a teacher trying to keep their distance would surely let their kid have a party??
On that topic, lol even in high school, I was the last kid insisting my parties would still involve games like pass the parcel, rather than the boring stand around talking or dancing to bad music parties that my friends had. "Your parties are so fun!" Yeah guys, coz I don't do boring nonsense. Duh. I assume they thought they had to have boring parties coz of peer pressure or TV shows they watched lol idk.

[@adamjeremycapps]

I was always told I only had $100 to spend on my birthday and Christmas, and nevermind inflation, while my brother would get things like brand new gaming consoles, even as an adult.

[@DestroyerMariko]

Wow. Bad gifts are one thing, but blatant favouritism is cruel on another level.

[@adamjeremycapps]

@@DestroyerMariko I am emotionally well off though. I enjoy life and all I do.

[@lucabertok]

I don't know if you care about your birthday, in my case I don't care much about birthdays and other celebrations... anyway happy birthday, I really hope you are at least a little better

[@DestroyerMariko]

I think when I was younger, I was excited because that's what society made these things out to be. But after these bad experiences and just becoming numb in general, I stopped caring and I think annoyed a lot of people by saying it's just another circle around the sun. Me not caring doesn't stop social obligations though, or what people think it should mean to me. Tl;dr - it's complicated? My birthday isn't til next month but thanks.

[@lucabertok]

@@DestroyerMariko I think that I understand what you mean, Me too when I was younger I was excited about birthdays, christmas..etc.. but with adolescence I started to feel unmotivated in maintaining social contacts with my peers, I started to feel like a fish out of water. I began to find many of the social conventions oppressive and senseless. That's not to say that I didn't follow them, but it all became more and more difficult to bear. It was and still is a mix of numbness regarding emotions, depression and a sense of not being made for this kind of world. I dont know if it is clear what I mean 😅

[@MadSimple]

Live stream your therapy and we’ll all go with you

[@DestroyerMariko]

I do not have that much data (yet)